0:00:15 > 0:00:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?
0:00:27 > 0:00:30The show where honesty is never the best policy.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33On Lee Mack's team tonight, a comedian who studied
0:00:33 > 0:00:37quasi-zero dimensional and mesoscopic electrical systems at university.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Just to explain that to Lee.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42University, it's like a school for grown-ups.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Ben Miller!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:46 > 0:00:52And a comedian who used to work in a German sausage factory.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55He said the "wurst" part was delicious.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57LAUGHTER
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Henning Wehn!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:05And on David Mitchell's team tonight, an actress
0:01:05 > 0:01:08currently starring in the sitcom Plebs, set in ancient Rome,
0:01:08 > 0:01:13where she enjoys being attended to by slaves and taking part in orgies.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16I'm afraid tonight it's just a box of Twiglets.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Doon Mackichan.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:20 > 0:01:24And a man who has a degree in sports journalism. It's a 2-2.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28It would have been a 2-1 but they equalised in the last minute.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30From The Last Leg, Alex Brooker.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:34 > 0:01:37And so to Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists each
0:01:37 > 0:01:40read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48And it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Ben is first up tonight. Please reveal all.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Aside from my friend Mark Park, I have...
0:01:56 > 0:01:58LAUGHTER
0:01:58 > 0:02:00- HENNING:- I think we can end it there.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02LAUGHTER
0:02:04 > 0:02:09..I have three other good friends whose names rhyme.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Let's not rush any questions, David. Just, never mind rushing about.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20- I'm sorry, Ben, I'm going to have to ask for the names of the friends. - Very quickly. Right now.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- You take your time, you take your time.- Uh...
0:02:23 > 0:02:25LAUGHTER
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Richard Pritchard.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:28 > 0:02:30That rhymes, to be fair, that is one.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- That was a good one.- Mark Park.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39No, we've had Mark Park. There's three, three other friends on top of Mark Park.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Richard Pritchard.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43You need two more.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Dave Clave.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Dave Clave.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Yeah.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Angie Ranji.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59LAUGHTER
0:02:59 > 0:03:02APPLAUSE
0:03:05 > 0:03:08And what's Richard Pritchard's job? How do you know him?
0:03:08 > 0:03:12He's... Oh, I know him from school, and he's a quantity surveyor.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15How do you know Angie Ranji? Where'd you meet her?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17LAUGHTER
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Well, funnily enough, she was in an acting class with me
0:03:20 > 0:03:22on the Isle of Wight.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Where did you run into Dave Clave?
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Please say at a rave.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I was in a band with him, he played drums.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42So, all of these people have lived their lives with matching
0:03:42 > 0:03:45forenames, surnames. Have none of them ever, like, said,
0:03:45 > 0:03:49"Do you know what, I think this sounds ridiculous, I might change it"?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Well, Richard hasn't because, you know, it's a common Welsh name.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55It is particularly common to have the first...same first name as your surname.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- Yes. Hugh Hughes.- Evan Evans, Thomas Thomas.- Yeah.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Bet you're wishing you thought of them earlier.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03LAUGHTER
0:04:06 > 0:04:09These friends of yours, are they in a small social circle?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12For example, has Richard Pritchard ever met Angie Ranji?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Dave Clave has met Richard Pritchard.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19LAUGHTER
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- Under what circumstances? - My 40th birthday party.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- DOON:- Why didn't Angie Ranji go?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I was in a production of Twelfth Night with
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Angie Ranji on the Isle of Wight
0:04:28 > 0:04:33and we only knew each other for the period of one summer in about 1991.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35She was a friend of mine,
0:04:35 > 0:04:39but she wasn't at my 40th birthday. Whereas Dave and Richard were.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42And why did Mark Park not make the birthday party, then?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45We're just not that close a friend.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48So why do you think you and Mark have never really...?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50LAUGHTER
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Well, Mark, quantity survey... You know, I guess...
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- So Mark's a quantity surveyor? - Yeah.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I thought Richard Pritchard was a quantity surveyor.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02What's Richard Pritchard again?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05He's a chartered surveyor.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Chartered surveyor, yeah. - Which one? Are they both?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Are they in a practice, Park and Pritchard?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13LAUGHTER
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Does this have the ring of truth?
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Do you know, it did before the quantity surveyor. I think...
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I think he said Richard Pritchard was the quantity...
0:05:20 > 0:05:22was the something surveyor.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24He said chartered surveyor for Richard Pritchard.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Now we've got a quantity surveyor.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29For Mark Park. But if the surveyors thing is...
0:05:29 > 0:05:32If Ben has planted that surveyor doubt in our minds,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35then that's so brilliant it deserves a point.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- I agree.- So I think... - So you're going to say?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Shall we say lie?- Lie, lie. - Lie. Saying it's a lie.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Ben. Truth or lie.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45It is...a...
0:05:45 > 0:05:46lie.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48APPLAUSE
0:05:50 > 0:05:54It's a lie. Ben doesn't have four good friends whose names rhyme.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56And, Henning, you're next.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01I was once arrested by border guards for illegally entering
0:06:01 > 0:06:03another country.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05LAUGHTER
0:06:05 > 0:06:07David's team, what do you think?
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Which, which country?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12LAUGHTER
0:06:12 > 0:06:15It was in the mid '90s.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16That's not a country.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18LAUGHTER
0:06:18 > 0:06:21And it was in Eastern Europe, so they changed names very quickly.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23So I'm not sure,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26it was either Czech Republic or Czechoslovakia, I don't know which.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- You don't know what stage of its... - Yeah, exactly.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32..dissolution it was at. Yeah. And what was the problem?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- I didn't have my passport. - Right.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Where had you left your passport?
0:06:37 > 0:06:38At home.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40LAUGHTER
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Who were you with, by the way? Were you on your own or...?
0:06:42 > 0:06:46No, I was with a friend from back home. Pit.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48A friend from the pit?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50No, with a person called Pit.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Is that his real name, or is that a nickname?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- Pete.- Oh, Pete?- No P... P-I-T.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- Oh, Pit. - He's called, he's called Pit.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Like, like Brad Pitt, but Pit as his first name.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- Otherwise I would say Pete. - DOON:- Yeah.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06LAUGHTER
0:07:06 > 0:07:08APPLAUSE
0:07:09 > 0:07:12We were travelling on something that was called
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Schnes-Wochenende-Ticket and...
0:07:16 > 0:07:18That's German for National Express.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19LAUGHTER
0:07:19 > 0:07:21No, it is German for
0:07:21 > 0:07:26"You can use any train you like...as long as it's a slow train."
0:07:26 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:29 > 0:07:32We have that system with all of our trains.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34LAUGHTER
0:07:34 > 0:07:37APPLAUSE
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- OK, so you get off the train at the border.- You do.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- Is it at that moment that you realise you don't have your passport?- Yes.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47So we wanted to go into Czech...Czechoslovakia. So I didn't
0:07:47 > 0:07:53have my passport, so the obvious thing to do is don't go across where
0:07:53 > 0:07:55the border guards are...
0:07:55 > 0:07:58but go a mile off into the fields...
0:07:58 > 0:07:59LAUGHTER
0:07:59 > 0:08:02..and cross there. If then someone wants to see your passport, you say,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"Oh, I must have lost it."
0:08:04 > 0:08:06LAUGHTER
0:08:06 > 0:08:11Roughly how far into Czechoslovakia, in whatever form it was, were you?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14I was about, give or take, a mile.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19I see in the distance, I see like two lights, two white lights,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22they're getting bigger and bigger and bigger.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26And then I realised it's a Jeep, and then they're driving towards us.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Oh, I'm quite gripped by this story.
0:08:29 > 0:08:36The Jeep then just stopped, and then there is four people jumping out
0:08:36 > 0:08:39with automatic rifles and dogs.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Automatic dogs?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:45What sort of dogs were they?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I didn't ask for their names.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Neither did Alex.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52LAUGHTER
0:08:52 > 0:08:55They were terrifying dogs, probably Alsatians or something.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57What happened, they're all around you? So what did they say?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00They all jump out with their rifles, don't they? And then saying,
0:09:00 > 0:09:04"Oh, ve, ve, ve, ve" of whatever their language is, so...
0:09:04 > 0:09:07LAUGHTER
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Yeah, and then we had to get in the Jeep and...and we were
0:09:11 > 0:09:16driving off into Czechoslovakia and then we ended up in some woods.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19One of them jumps out, opens a gate that
0:09:19 > 0:09:24I didn't even see was there. Then there is some little wooden hut.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27And there was someone in there that spoke German.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30We got on well with that fella, and our excuse was, let me say,
0:09:30 > 0:09:34"We had no idea that we'd crossed the border."
0:09:34 > 0:09:38So then they didn't fully buy it,
0:09:38 > 0:09:42but they knew there was little point executing us.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44LAUGHTER
0:09:46 > 0:09:47What happens then?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50And now the funny story begins.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52LAUGHTER
0:09:53 > 0:09:55They said,
0:09:55 > 0:09:58"You'll have to pay a penalty."
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- Oh, the Germans and penalties. Not again.- That penalty...
0:10:01 > 0:10:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Never again, please.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Then the Czechs drove us back
0:10:12 > 0:10:14to the German border, handed us
0:10:14 > 0:10:17over to the German border guards,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20and then they congratulated us on
0:10:20 > 0:10:25being the first illegal immigrants from Germany into Czechoslovakia.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26LAUGHTER
0:10:26 > 0:10:27APPLAUSE
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Well, there we are.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32David, what are you and your team thinking?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34It's the travel card thing.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36LAUGHTER
0:10:36 > 0:10:38It's just, it just seems right.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40I think, on an emotional level,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43having spent so long hearing that story...
0:10:43 > 0:10:46LAUGHTER
0:10:46 > 0:10:49..we need it to be true, we need something.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50We need it to be true
0:10:50 > 0:10:53because a lot of our life went into that.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- So you're going to say true. - On that emotional level, I think we have to say true.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59You're saying it's true. Henning, truth or lie?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Well, that story is actually...
0:11:02 > 0:11:04true.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06APPLAUSE
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Yes, that was true,
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Henning did get arrested for illegally entering another country.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
0:11:18 > 0:11:21who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:11:23 > 0:11:26that has the genuine connection to the guest,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32So, please welcome this week's special guest, Nicola.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34APPLAUSE
0:11:37 > 0:11:41So, Ben, first of all, what is Nicola to you?
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Ah, this is Nicola and she taught me how to talk to crows.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Henning, how do you know Nicola?
0:11:50 > 0:11:54This is Nicola, and I told my parents to sack her as my baby-sitter
0:11:54 > 0:11:59because she failed to read my bedtime stories with enough emotion.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04And finally, Lee, your relationship with Nicola.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05This is Nicola.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09I once chased her for 40 miles down the M3
0:12:09 > 0:12:12because I thought she'd stolen my phone.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15David's team, where to begin?
0:12:15 > 0:12:19So, Ben, why did you need to talk to crows?
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Um, because... Well, I'm writing a book...
0:12:23 > 0:12:25and...
0:12:25 > 0:12:26And my publisher is a crow!
0:12:26 > 0:12:28LAUGHTER
0:12:28 > 0:12:33And it's a book about aliens, so I got interested
0:12:33 > 0:12:37in the idea of communicating with other intelligences.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Then I thought, "Are there any animals on Earth that we can already,
0:12:41 > 0:12:46"that we can...can communicate with?" And I found out that Nicola
0:12:46 > 0:12:50was an expert on crows and had discovered they're very intelligent.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54So what sort of thing have you learnt to say to crows?
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Um, well, we're only really at the basic sort of introductory...
0:12:59 > 0:13:03What, like greetings, like, "Hello, how are you?"
0:13:03 > 0:13:04"Take me to your leader."
0:13:04 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER
0:13:06 > 0:13:09How to present yourself to a crow.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12How do you present yourself to a crow?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14So you go...
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: - .."Hello, crow. Hello, crow.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21"How are you, crow? Hello, hello."
0:13:21 > 0:13:23That's what Nicola has been teaching you?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25LAUGHTER
0:13:27 > 0:13:30That's... That's how you talk to crows?
0:13:30 > 0:13:35You do that with your head and you go, "Hello, crow, how are you?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37"Hello."
0:13:37 > 0:13:40When's your next lesson?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43When you'll be learning how to say goodbye to a crow.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45LAUGHTER
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I've got a hunch about what it might be.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50LAUGHTER
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Right, David, who would you like to move on to?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Henning, what was wrong with the bedtime story?
0:13:59 > 0:14:03I didn't enjoy the way she read the bedside story to me.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06What sort of stories? Give us an example.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10She was reading Hansel And Gretel to me, and then the witch ends
0:14:10 > 0:14:15up in the oven. And she read that in a very compassionate way.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16- Towards the witch?- Yeah.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21And the good thing at that point is all about the witch got what
0:14:21 > 0:14:25she had coming, and that's how I liked the story read to me.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27LAUGHTER
0:14:27 > 0:14:30You didn't like any complexity in the character...
0:14:30 > 0:14:33No, I like the complexity but I don't like the compassion towards
0:14:33 > 0:14:35the witch because she's a witch.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36LAUGHTER
0:14:36 > 0:14:39OK, so Hansel and Gretel shove the witch in the oven,
0:14:39 > 0:14:43slam the door, turn it up to... gas mark six.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46No, no, always, always preheat the oven before cooking in it.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48LAUGHTER
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- Let's assume it's preheated.- OK.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Slam the door, turn it up, and then walk out into the forest.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- Mm.- How did she mis-deliver that line?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Well, it was in German so it was like...
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Is she German?
0:15:02 > 0:15:03- Nicola? Yeah, yeah, yeah.- Ah.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- You mean, ja, ja, ja.- Yeah.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06LAUGHTER
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Nicola's a classic German name, innit?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Nicola. Nicola Schmidt.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13LAUGHTER
0:15:14 > 0:15:16So she was... What, she was just,
0:15:16 > 0:15:18she was what, weeping for the witch or what?
0:15:18 > 0:15:19LEE LAUGHS
0:15:19 > 0:15:20What's...
0:15:20 > 0:15:22LAUGHTER
0:15:22 > 0:15:25I don't want to have to say this now but I just didn't overly like her.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27LAUGHTER
0:15:27 > 0:15:31That's obviously not how I told it to my parents, innit?
0:15:31 > 0:15:32I said to my parents, I said,
0:15:32 > 0:15:35"Yeah, she didn't put any butter on the bread and all that business,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38"and didn't give me anything to drink," so I mean, ah...
0:15:38 > 0:15:39LAUGHTER
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I stuck her in the oven.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42LAUGHTER
0:15:44 > 0:15:45OK. What about Lee?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Oh, Lee's is not true.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48LAUGHTER
0:15:51 > 0:15:52So...
0:15:52 > 0:15:55how did you come to the mistaken belief that she'd stolen your phone?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Well, it's an interesting story.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59LAUGHTER
0:15:59 > 0:16:01I was on the border of Czechoslovakia.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03LAUGHTER
0:16:03 > 0:16:08I was... I was in a restaurant with my wife and children
0:16:08 > 0:16:11and we left the restaurant and we got back to the house
0:16:11 > 0:16:14and I suddenly realised my mobile phone was missing.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17So I thought... We came to the conclusion that my two-year-old
0:16:17 > 0:16:19who's always picking things up and running round tables
0:16:19 > 0:16:21cos, you know, I'm not a good parent
0:16:21 > 0:16:23and they can run around in restaurants,
0:16:23 > 0:16:25had picked it up and done something with it
0:16:25 > 0:16:29and so I looked at my iPad
0:16:29 > 0:16:31which has a thing on it where it tells you
0:16:31 > 0:16:32where your phone is.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34An app if you've lost your phone, so I pressed that.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37You looked at your tablet, didn't you, as opposed to a specific...?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Oh, as opposed to a specific one?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Sorry, I looked at my "tablet",
0:16:41 > 0:16:44which I'd previously bought from Currys.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45LAUGHTER
0:16:47 > 0:16:50So I decided... I've got one of these hand-held devices,
0:16:50 > 0:16:51let's call it a tablet,
0:16:51 > 0:16:55and on this tablet it tells you where your phone is.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56- Like, like an iPad?- Can I...?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58LAUGHTER
0:17:02 > 0:17:05So I checked the app and, sure enough,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07my phone was doing the little blinky thing
0:17:07 > 0:17:11and it was in a street not too far from the restaurant.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13So I thought, "Oh, well, maybe my child hasn't taken the phone at all,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16"maybe it's been stolen."
0:17:16 > 0:17:17So I rung my mate up straight away
0:17:17 > 0:17:19because I'm a coward, I didn't want to go on my own.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21So he held the iPad.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23We drove off, we followed the little dot
0:17:23 > 0:17:26but then when we got close, the dot started moving,
0:17:26 > 0:17:28so we have to follow the dot,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31the dot gets on the M3 and we're following the dot on the M3
0:17:31 > 0:17:33and we travel for about 40 miles.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36But Nicola could have noticed you in the rear-view mirror saying,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38"I'm being followed by two weird men."
0:17:38 > 0:17:40I think you'll find on motorways,
0:17:40 > 0:17:42you're often followed by the same car for quite a while.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44How paranoid are you?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46"He's been behind us for the last five minutes."
0:17:46 > 0:17:50"We're on a motorway, David." "I know, but something's not right.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52"There's one beside me now!"
0:17:52 > 0:17:54LAUGHTER
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- I wasn't right behind it because the dot was moving.- You were...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59And I was chasing the dot for a long time.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02When we were probably about five miles away from the dot,
0:18:02 > 0:18:05because the dot was racing off ahead, we raced after.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Stopped, and we sussed out that it was a service station on the M3.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10So we pulled into the service station
0:18:10 > 0:18:13and that's when the next thing happened.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Give me a minute.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17LAUGHTER
0:18:17 > 0:18:20How could you tell which of the many cars parked in the service station?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- That's a very good question. - Thank you.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24I wish I had a very good answer.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- I phoned the phone.- Ah. - Good, eh?- Very clever.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31And it's at that point we see a woman getting out of a car
0:18:31 > 0:18:35looking confused and then looking inside a bag, a shopping bag,
0:18:35 > 0:18:36takes the phone out,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39and at this point I think, that's my phone,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41and she looks innocent cos she's looking all confused.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43To which I go over, I say, "That's my phone,"
0:18:43 > 0:18:46and she said, "I honest to God have no idea how it got in there."
0:18:46 > 0:18:48And then I start thinking, the two-year-old did pick it up
0:18:48 > 0:18:51and put it in a bag and so ends the case for the defence.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Thank you. Thank you.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Right, we need an answer.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05So, David's team, is Nicola Ben's bird botherer,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Henning's boring baby-sitter,
0:19:07 > 0:19:11or Lee's phone pincher? What do you think?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I've got a funny feeling about the crows.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Yeah, I love the idea that you're spending your free time wiggling
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- your head in front of a crow. - LAUGHTER
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Talking in a high-pitched voice.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23So, sorry, you two are leaning towards believing the crow story?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25LAUGHTER
0:19:25 > 0:19:27I'm finding the crow story the least convincing.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- OK.- At the moment. I'm not saying it's impossible.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Do you believe Lee?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33As a matter of principle, no.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35LAUGHTER
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I think it's probably Henning.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39I think Henning's the sort of...
0:19:39 > 0:19:42could have been the sort of vicious little child...
0:19:42 > 0:19:43LAUGHTER
0:19:43 > 0:19:46..who would have a baby-sitter summarily dismissed
0:19:46 > 0:19:48for no good reason at all.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Which way are you going, Alex?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Do you know what, I'm going to stick my neck on the line.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- I think Lee.- Am I even getting a look-in?- You think it's Lee?- Yeah.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Doon?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Er...I initially thought it was Lee.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Completely from the very beginning
0:20:00 > 0:20:02when I heard the three things, I went, "It's definitely Lee."
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I'm not going to overrule.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I wouldn't be surprised if it was Henning.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- We'll go for Lee, we think it's Lee. - You're saying it's Lee,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11with a little suspicion that it's Henning. OK.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Nicola, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:20:14 > 0:20:15My name is Nicola,
0:20:15 > 0:20:18and I taught Ben how to talk to crows!
0:20:18 > 0:20:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Brilliant.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- Thank you very much, Nicola. - Yes, whooo!
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies, and we start with...
0:20:39 > 0:20:40It's David.
0:20:43 > 0:20:48I recently shooed a fox out of the garden by squirting it with water.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Five minutes later,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I watched in horror as it returned with its brother
0:20:52 > 0:20:54and ate my plimsoll.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55LAUGHTER
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Lee's team, what do you think?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03I've never heard anything so middle-class in all my life.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05LAUGHTER
0:21:05 > 0:21:06I want to picture it,
0:21:06 > 0:21:10so you're in your house, and you see the fox in the garden.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Now you don't, with the greatest respect,
0:21:13 > 0:21:16you don't strike me as overly nimble.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18LAUGHTER
0:21:18 > 0:21:20No, I'm not overly nimble,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22but I'm just nimble enough.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Between 1 and 10, how quickly were you in the garden?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I went out in the garden at top speed for me,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30which I'm afraid is now 6.7.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32LAUGHTER
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Anyway, you come out into the garden, you've got the hose, you see the fox.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39And he sort of moves away a bit, shows some,
0:21:39 > 0:21:43a certain degree of fear of the alpha predator.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48He sees me and thinks, "Do you know, I think I'm safe with this guy",
0:21:48 > 0:21:50and I thought, "Well, I can't have this,
0:21:50 > 0:21:51"I can't have the fox thinking it's won.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55"If I lose my power to frighten off foxes, what am I?"
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Can I answer that?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58LAUGHTER
0:21:58 > 0:22:01So I, you know, I grabbed, I grabbed my hose,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04and I, you know, swizzle some water at them.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I don't want to soak the poor creature.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Did you put your thumb on the end?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10So I did put my thumb on the end and I directed some water,
0:22:10 > 0:22:14sort of towards the lawn just kind of between him and me,
0:22:14 > 0:22:15and that's enough.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16He's off.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19I bet he went, after the fox went off, I bet he went...
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Yeah, yeah.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- And forgot he hadn't turned it off. - LAUGHTER
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Look round sheepishly and thought, "I better get those plimsolls."
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Are you in your pyjamas?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33I was wearing normal clothes.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Well, David, we have a different opinion of what normal clothes are.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37LAUGHTER
0:22:37 > 0:22:39It was black tie, not white tie.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41LAUGHTER
0:22:41 > 0:22:44So in a nutshell, you had a fox in your garden, you come out,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46water the thing out the garden,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49then a little while later it comes back.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- Two of them come back.- Two of them.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- Now, where are you at this point? - I'm in the kitchen.- Right.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Noticing they've come back in the garden, thinking, "Dear, oh, dear."
0:22:57 > 0:22:59There was deer there as well?
0:22:59 > 0:23:00LAUGHTER
0:23:01 > 0:23:03And then the fox...
0:23:03 > 0:23:06And then one of the foxes goes and grabs this plimsoll
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- that I keep by the shed.- Why?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11- For walking around the garden.- What? - One plimsoll?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- LAUGHTER - There's two!
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Tiny suggestion. Why don't you keep the plimsolls near the back door
0:23:16 > 0:23:18so you don't have to get your feet wet if it's raining?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19You're full of...
0:23:19 > 0:23:22home improvement ideas!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24And I don't, I don't know, cos I'm a moron.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- LAUGHTER - What happens to the plimsoll?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- One of them savages this shoe. - What's the other one doing?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I don't know. I don't speak fox.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32LAUGHTER
0:23:32 > 0:23:34If you wanted to do a proper impression of a fox,
0:23:34 > 0:23:38I know a woman, who, providing you're a tad gullible,
0:23:38 > 0:23:39will show you exactly...
0:23:39 > 0:23:41LAUGHTER
0:23:41 > 0:23:42- So go on, so...?- So I said...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- HIGH-PITCHED:- .."Hello, Mr Fox!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46LAUGHTER
0:23:46 > 0:23:48"I'm trying to communicate with you.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51"Perhaps you could stop pooing on my lawn."
0:23:51 > 0:23:53LAUGHTER
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Right, Lee, what are you thinking?
0:23:55 > 0:24:00Fundamentally, no Englishman leaves a pair of plimsolls
0:24:00 > 0:24:03as his garden footwear and keeps them by a shed.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- So, you're saying it's... - It's a lie.- It's a lie.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07- HENNING:- Yeah, I think it's a lie.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Well, I'll go with my team, even though I think it's true.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Saying it's a lie. OK, David. Squirting foxes in the garden.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Truth or lie?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15It is...
0:24:15 > 0:24:16a lie.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- APPLAUSE - I thought so.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20LAUGHTER
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Thought it was a lie.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Yes, it's a lie. David didn't squirt water at a fox
0:24:26 > 0:24:28only for it to return and eat his plimsoll.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Next...
0:24:31 > 0:24:32It's Doon.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36On the advice of an optician,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39I often walk with one eye open
0:24:39 > 0:24:40and one eye shut.
0:24:41 > 0:24:46That way one of my eyes is always having a rest.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47LAUGHTER
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Lee?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Well, it's sensible.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- Is it?- Even if she isn't doing it, she should.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54I will from now on.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55LAUGHTER
0:24:57 > 0:24:59When you say a rest,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02you mean just to give your eye a rest
0:25:02 > 0:25:04or because you're having problems with your eyes?
0:25:04 > 0:25:07No, just to rest the eyes, so, because I don't wear glasses
0:25:07 > 0:25:11and I don't want to wear glasses, so to exercise the eyes,
0:25:11 > 0:25:13it's good to just cover one eye.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Now I have worn a patch,
0:25:14 > 0:25:16and just thought I look ridiculous.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19But that doesn't make sense. A doctor wouldn't say to me,
0:25:19 > 0:25:22"I don't want to end up in a wheelchair." "Oh, in that case, hop on different legs."
0:25:22 > 0:25:24LAUGHTER
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Don't you feel you strain your one eye that's still open?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Well, apparently not, if you've got a slight stigmatism,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34so I didn't... Yes, I have got a slight stigmatism in my left...
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- Which eye is your stigmatism? - In my left eye.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38I thought it was called an astigmatism.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Oh, well, then I heard it wrong.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Yeah, but you call it "a sausage," the thing isn't "asausage," is it?
0:25:43 > 0:25:47There's sausage, a sausage. Stigmatism, a stigmatism.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- Is it, have I got an astigmatism? - It's astigmatism.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51You've got astigmatism.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52You've got asausage.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53LAUGHTER
0:25:53 > 0:25:56No, no, no, Ben is right, Ben went to Cambridge, it's an astigmatism.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58It's an astigmatism.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- What I'm saying is... - I went to Cambridge once!
0:26:00 > 0:26:02LAUGHTER
0:26:02 > 0:26:04So what?
0:26:04 > 0:26:05We all know where Cambridge is.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07LAUGHTER
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Can I ask a question? How long do you do each eye for?
0:26:10 > 0:26:14If I'm walking out, probably only about two or three minutes
0:26:14 > 0:26:18whereas if I'm inside, do it like that, when you're working.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Oh, do you cover? You actually walk along like that down the street?
0:26:21 > 0:26:22- LAUGHTER - I have walked along like that.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25As I said, I did wear a patch at one point and felt stupid.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28People must think you've forgotten something, when you're...
0:26:29 > 0:26:30LAUGHTER
0:26:31 > 0:26:34When did the optician give you this advice?
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Probably about eight years ago, when I started to get headaches.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Maybe he was busy. Was it like 4.55 and he was locking up?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43LAUGHTER
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Just put your hand over zis and go away.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47- Was it like that? - LAUGHTER
0:26:47 > 0:26:49He's one of the leading, you know...
0:26:49 > 0:26:50He's one of the leading...?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Eye specialists on Harley Street.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54OK, what do you think, Lee?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56I think she should have gone to Specsavers.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58LAUGHTER
0:26:58 > 0:27:00APPLAUSE
0:27:01 > 0:27:02What's it going to be, then?
0:27:02 > 0:27:06Well, I think that's the sort of thing people might do.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09I want to know what you mean. Do you mean the optician might say that?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11No, they have got a reputation to lose.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13If you don't believe that, then it's got to be a lie.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Cos she's saying he said that.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- No, he wouldn't have said that. - Then it's a lie!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18LAUGHTER
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- It's a lie, then. - LAUGHTER
0:27:20 > 0:27:23- And, Ben, you think it's a lie, don't you?- It's not true.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25I mean, apart from anything, you go to Harley Street,
0:27:25 > 0:27:26you're paying a lot of money,
0:27:26 > 0:27:28the man's going to sell you some glasses, isn't he?
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- LAUGHTER - He's not going to say, just walk down the street...
0:27:31 > 0:27:33LAUGHTER
0:27:33 > 0:27:34You're saying it's a lie?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Saying it's a lie. OK. So, Doon.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39The eyes, the optician, Harley Street.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Truth or lie?
0:27:41 > 0:27:42It is...
0:27:43 > 0:27:44..lie.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:46 > 0:27:51Yes, it's a lie. Doon doesn't walk with one eye open and one eye shut.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52BUZZER BLARES
0:27:52 > 0:27:54And that noise signals time is up,
0:27:54 > 0:27:55it's the end of the show,
0:27:55 > 0:27:59and I can reveal that Lee's team have won by three points to two.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01APPLAUSE
0:28:05 > 0:28:08But, of course, it's not just a team game
0:28:08 > 0:28:12and my individual liar of the week this week is...
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Ben Miller.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Really? Oh. How lovely.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Yes, Ben Miller.
0:28:18 > 0:28:19When it comes to lying,
0:28:19 > 0:28:23I'm ashamed to say he's so shameless it's shameful, which is a shame.
0:28:23 > 0:28:24LAUGHTER Goodnight.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE