0:00:02 > 0:00:03Sensation seekers, welcome to the show.
0:00:03 > 0:00:06For God's sake, take it easy. We've got an hour to go.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:08 > 0:00:12I'm back in Scotland, in my home town - Glasgow.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14The comedian.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16- Billy Connolly. - Billy Connolly. Is it?
0:00:16 > 0:00:19- Is it?- Aye.- Bloody hell.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23It's everything to me, it runs through my veins.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24I love it.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27I was brought up in Partick in Glasgow,
0:00:27 > 0:00:31where Partick Thistle originally came from, the football team.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Partick Thistle FC.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35I say that because most Englishmen
0:00:35 > 0:00:39think they're called Partick Thistle Nil.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43I'm turning 75 this year - I know, I cannae believe it either -
0:00:43 > 0:00:46and I've come back for a birthday treat.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48There's my old street.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51'I'll be visiting some places that are very dear to me.'
0:00:51 > 0:00:53That's colossal.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Good old Glasgow.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57'And I'll also be meeting three brilliant artists.'
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Lovely to see you.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02The hugely successful Jack Vettriano...
0:01:02 > 0:01:04You dirty bugger.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06..rising star Rachel Maclean...
0:01:06 > 0:01:09I bet you used to get notes from school,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11"Rachel has a fertile imagination."
0:01:13 > 0:01:15..and my dear old friend John Byrne.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16How great to see you.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18It's wonderful to see you, Billy.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Each of them are going to make a birthday portrait for me.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24I've been very patient so far. I think I'll have an episode.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30I'll be suffering for their art.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Excuse me.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34- What?- You just walloped me in the bollocks there.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39And to top it off, Glasgow will give me
0:01:39 > 0:01:41the biggest birthday present of my life.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46I've never seen myself that size before.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Glasgow belangs to me.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Now, at this point, I'm going to explain my health issues to you.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08It will save you symptom spotting.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:14APPLAUSE
0:02:16 > 0:02:18I've got Parkinson's disease,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20and I wish to fuck he'd kept it to himself,
0:02:20 > 0:02:21but there you go.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I haven't lived in Glasgow for nearly 40 years,
0:02:35 > 0:02:38but it's a place that will always be home.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42In fact, I'm probably more famous for being a Glaswegian
0:02:42 > 0:02:43than anything I've ever done.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Without Glasgow, I wouldn't exist as an entertainer.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51That's all I did, was spoke about Glasgow
0:02:51 > 0:02:54and how it felt to be, to come from Glasgow.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I'm very proud to be Glaswegian.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Big banana feet.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59BILLY CHUCKLES
0:03:02 > 0:03:06The place is almost unrecognisable now to the one I remember,
0:03:06 > 0:03:10a dark old city of soot-covered tenements,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13smoky bars and the bustling shipyards where I started out.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Shipyard toilets are something to behold.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21There was no toilet seat, there was just a bar
0:03:21 > 0:03:24that ran the length of the place.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28You sort of hung your bum over it and swung on it, like that.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30And there was no toilet bowl.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31There was a sort of trough...
0:03:32 > 0:03:36..that ran the length of the place, of constantly running water.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38So if a guy at the end did a wee jobbie, it went...
0:03:43 > 0:03:45While I was still working in the yards,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47I formed a band with a guy called Tam Harvey.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49We were called the Humblebums.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52The Humblebums eventually became
0:03:52 > 0:03:55me and the immensely talented Gerry Rafferty.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59We used to get our album sleeves designed by a mutual friend
0:03:59 > 0:04:03and the coolest man in Scotland, the artist John Byrne.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Gerry even wrote this song for him.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10# Patrick, my primitive
0:04:10 > 0:04:11# Painter of art
0:04:11 > 0:04:16# You will always and ever be near to my heart... #
0:04:16 > 0:04:19John is the first artist who's agreed to paint
0:04:19 > 0:04:20a birthday portrait of me.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Well, I've just arrived in Edinburgh,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26in Dundas Street at the Fine Art Society.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I'm about to meet John Byrne, the great artist.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32He used to be a friend of mine, I hope he still is.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33He should be.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- Hey!- Good God!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46THEY LAUGH
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Billy Connolly. How are you?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51As I live and breathe.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I'm going out for a smoke.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Come to the door with me.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Do you still smoke Gold Flake?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02'John is some man.'
0:05:03 > 0:05:05As well as his extraordinary painting,
0:05:05 > 0:05:09he has written one of Scotland's favourite plays, The Slab Boys,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11and the TV drama Tutti Frutti.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17'He wants to do some sketches to help him with my portrait,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20'and it is brilliant to see him again.'
0:05:22 > 0:05:24The cigarette...
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Hey, Billy! Get your hair cut!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Shut up!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31"Get your hair cut," how dare you, sir!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- I know.- Do you know who I was?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36And who you might be again.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Given half a chance.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41So have you not thought of giving the smoking the elbow?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Oh, God, no! Oh, no.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- Will we go in?- Why not?- Yeah.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00O-o-o-o-oh!
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Look at that.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03How old is this one?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06It was about five or six years ago, I think. As far as I can remember.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- It's beautiful. - And this was the original.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11That's colossal, isn't it, in here?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14The vegetation stuff there is brilliant.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Aye. Yeah.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Oh, I recognise the pose here.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Yeah.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23A very, very, very ugly child.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- Particularly...- There's no such thing as an ugly child.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28No, but that's a strikingly ugly child.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32The ears are modelled on my father's ears.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34He had the biggest ears on a human being I've ever seen.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- Really?- Yeah.- Like clabby dos.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44John has already painted me a few times, back in the '70s.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Including this stunning portrait
0:06:47 > 0:06:50that hangs in the People's Palace in Glasgow.
0:06:51 > 0:06:56And once he even turned me into a walking work of art on live TV.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57I must ask you about that suit.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00I mean, what's a working-class lad like you doing in a suit like that?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Do you like it? It's a sort of substitute for tattoos.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I'm frightened to get a tattoo, you know.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06LAUGHTER
0:07:07 > 0:07:10'My friend John Byrne in Glasgow, he is an artist,
0:07:10 > 0:07:12'he calls himself Patrick.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14'He did it for me by hand.'
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- It's beautiful, isn't it? - Aye.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18'I feel like a star. It's magic.'
0:07:19 > 0:07:21The thing that always killed me about it
0:07:21 > 0:07:23is that the flaps on the pockets,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26if you lifted them up, it was identical underneath.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28You had painted it twice.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29- LAUGHING:- I know.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- It was brilliant. - I'd forgotten that as well.
0:07:32 > 0:07:37'The pattern of the Glasgow streets is quite a very cruel...'
0:07:37 > 0:07:40The media generally didn't employ people with accents like that.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41They do now.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44But then, they wouldn't.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46'My best memory of Glasgow was standing...
0:07:46 > 0:07:49'My childhood, I was with a pal of mine called Gerald McGee.'
0:07:49 > 0:07:52We were doing a great Glasgow game called See Who Can Pee The Highest.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Up in the air.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02And my father caught me.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04And he slapped... I'll never forget.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05He slapped me in the back of the head,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07and my willy shot back into my trousers.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12People say, "Why is he called the Big Yin?" or whatever.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15And I says, "Because onstage he looks ten feet tall."
0:08:15 > 0:08:18You just lit up the stage, everywhere you went.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I used to say that I behaved very tall.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26You were just a phenomenon.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Absolute phenomenon.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30There was no doubt of where you were going to end up.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Look at you.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35And you, too. You were exactly the same.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38No, mine was a lower trajectory.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40But you always had a kind of rock and roll image.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42- Yeah.- Well, to me you did, anyway.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44You created an atmosphere in your appearance
0:08:44 > 0:08:47and your extraordinary talent.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48It was a lovely thing.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52- Yeah.- And you were the only painter I knew, so it was...
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Nobody to compare me with at all.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02So it's time to get to work.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Well, John does the work and I just get to sit here quietly.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Not my strong point, really.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10So, we'll do a couple of wee drawings.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I know what you look like, for God's sake.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I know what your soul looks like.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19So that's halfway there.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20- That is lovely.- Yeah.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24I've never seen you draw before.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30How much time do you spend painting?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Every day, 14 hours.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Never!
0:09:33 > 0:09:36If it's worth doing, it's worth doing until you collapse.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40- I think so.- I'm working harder now than I ever did.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44I've been very patient so far.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I think I'll have an episode.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I think I'm entitled to an episode before the day is over.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56I had a taxi driver once in Los Angeles who said,
0:09:56 > 0:09:57"What do you do?"
0:09:57 > 0:09:58I said, "I'm a comedian."
0:09:58 > 0:10:01And he said, "I tell you what you do," he says,
0:10:01 > 0:10:03"you get one of them Irish joke books,
0:10:03 > 0:10:06"you learn them jokes." He says, "You can't go wrong."
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- There you go. - I said, "Thanks very much.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"You know something, that is why you are sitting at the front."
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Away like the clappers.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23I wonder who the clappers were.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I don't know.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Cynthia and Dolores Clappers.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Well, John, I guess that's it.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I can tell that's it, because I've got cramp in my bum.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Well, thank God, Billy, because I'm...
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Bored shitless.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50"Yeah, I've drawn some boring faces in my life."
0:10:52 > 0:10:55'It is a long time since I've seen him face-to-face.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58'I mean, he is exactly the same but slightly older.'
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Goodbye, my friend.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03God bless you.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05'It was just like yesterday I'd seen him.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07'Enjoyed it hugely.'
0:11:07 > 0:11:10'I was just thinking there, what a job I've got.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13'I mean, fly through to Edinburgh on a lovely day'
0:11:13 > 0:11:14and meet your old pal
0:11:14 > 0:11:17and spend the day talking to him and laughing.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Thanks, John.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23'Does my heart good to spend days like that.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26'He's an absolute genius, I think.'
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I can't wait to see myself done by him.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42It's time for me to meet the next artist
0:11:42 > 0:11:46who's offered to immortalise me in canvas.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Jack Vettriano.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Jack's story is remarkable.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52He used to be a mining engineer,
0:11:52 > 0:11:53but has transformed himself
0:11:53 > 0:11:56into one of Scotland's most successful artists.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01His most popular painting, The Singing Butler,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03is among the bestselling prints in the UK,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05and his work changes hands for huge amounts.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Oh, there he is.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- Billy.- Oh, nice to see you, man.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- You too.- I said, "I don't know what this guy looks like,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18"I couldnae pick him out in a police line-up."
0:12:18 > 0:12:20So it is lovely to meet you eventually.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21You too. You too.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Come on in the kitchen and have a cup of tea.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Oh, what a great idea!
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Come on.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31So, what gave you the idea to paint me?
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Well, I've followed your career since Final,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38and that first time on Parkinson.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40You were so endearing.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43And I think all of Scotland were right behind you,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45you know, in the joke, you know, the bums thing...
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Just, you know, astonishing.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I hope I can get away with this. It's a beauty.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57"How is the wife?" He said, "Oh, she's dead."
0:12:57 > 0:12:58I goes, "What?"
0:12:58 > 0:13:01He says, "Dead. Out the game. Dead.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03"I murdered her. I'll show you if you want."
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I said, "Aye, show me." So we went away up to his tenement building,
0:13:06 > 0:13:10through the close - that's the entrance to the tenement...
0:13:10 > 0:13:14And sure enough there's a big mound of earth.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15But there's a bum sticking out of it.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20I says, "Is that her?"
0:13:20 > 0:13:21He says, "Aye."
0:13:21 > 0:13:24I said, "What did you leave her bum sticking out for?"
0:13:24 > 0:13:26He says, "I need somewhere to park my bike."
0:13:26 > 0:13:27LAUGHTER
0:13:30 > 0:13:31When I finished that show,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33I flew back to Glasgow
0:13:33 > 0:13:35and I was coming through the airport
0:13:35 > 0:13:37and the whole airport started to applaud.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40And I thought, "Well, I think I've done something here."
0:13:40 > 0:13:43I just wish I'd never looked back from that moment.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Yeah.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46I do have an issue to bring up with you, Billy.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- Oh, jeez.- Because...
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Methil Steel Club.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Methil Steelworks Club. Yes, I remember it well.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56When the dog came in and shat in the middle of the floor.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57It had obviously eaten something
0:13:57 > 0:14:01that it wasn't breaking down too readily, you know?
0:14:01 > 0:14:05The likes of maybe a billiard ball or a Coca-Cola bottle or something.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07That's my home town.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11And then, then...
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Then I moved to Kirkcaldy, and you insulted that as well.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- That's right. - The town you smell before you see.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18That's right, what's that smell?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Kirkcaldy? Fabulous town.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22Where they used to make linoleum.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Great place.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Making linoleum is a kind of smelly thing.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28They were going to change the name of Kirkcaldy
0:14:28 > 0:14:30to What's That Fucking Smell?, because...
0:14:30 > 0:14:32LAUGHTER
0:14:36 > 0:14:39That is the first thing people said as they got off the train.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45It's lovely you've come from a working-class background.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48To step into the limelight, it is kind of weird, isn't it?
0:14:48 > 0:14:49It's astonishing, Billy,
0:14:49 > 0:14:53that I still get very sort of nervous
0:14:53 > 0:14:55because I think, "I don't belong here.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56"This isn't my patch."
0:14:56 > 0:14:59You just expect that the foreman's going to come up behind you and say,
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- "Right..."- Yeah. - "..your time is up."
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- Yeah.- "Your tea's oot."- Aye.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Well, I'm very proud to be painted by you.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Well, I'm very flattered to hear that.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12I feel as if I should be standing on a beach with the tide going out.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- And a bowler hat on? - Aye, and a butler and...
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Aye. Yeah.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22So this is your studio?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- Yeah.- I like a floral studio.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Were you a gardener when you were young?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Jack is famous for two contrasting styles.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Some of his stuff is glamorous and romantic
0:15:37 > 0:15:41and some is, well, rather dark and kinky.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I always liked watching women dress.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47You know how all the fantasies are about undressing?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- I used to like watching them dressing.- Me too, Billy, me too.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54I mean, is there anything nicer than watching a woman put her...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- a finely fashioned stocking on her toes?- Yeah.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59And then, on the heel, the heel is reinforced.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Oh, Christ, I know too much about this.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04You're a dirty bugger.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I mean, I don't do that.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10But I was desperate to do it for many years.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11You know, get into that...
0:16:11 > 0:16:16bit of the old tiesy-upsy, the fucking gear on... You know.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19But I don't last long enough to do any of those things.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Jack has promised me I won't have to get tied up
0:16:23 > 0:16:26or wear suspenders for my portrait.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28He works from photographs,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31and he has chosen a shot of me from a TV series I did in the '90s,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34my World Tour Of Scotland.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37We're up quite near John O'Groats here...
0:16:37 > 0:16:40in tropical Scotland.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42This was the first sequence that I saw and I thought,
0:16:42 > 0:16:43"I really do like this."
0:16:45 > 0:16:48And that there, I think, is the image.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Slightly imbalanced, and that is what the painting will look like.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Yeah, that's great.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57And that is corner to corner and it's very pleasing on the eye.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I think it's great. I think there's a sort of great dynamic
0:17:00 > 0:17:01in that shot.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03You look really majestic.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04There is a lot of life in it, isn't there?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07With the water going and the hair and the pointing and the...
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Yeah. In a way, this is a sort of return to the beaches.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I feel very proud about that.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14But this will be a wee bit of a challenge.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18It's trying to let people see that that is actually surf.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19I tell you the biggest challenge
0:17:19 > 0:17:22is finding where to put the man with the umbrella.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Well, it's been great seeing you.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Oh, it's been lovely.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Especially finding out you were a Fifer, I didnae know that.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I think I could say fairly safely
0:17:33 > 0:17:36that that is the highlight of my career to date.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40It's been a real pleasure to meet you, and more than that,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43it's been an inspiration, getting to paint your portrait.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Oh, thank you very much.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46- A pleasure.- Now, get on with it!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- Right.- See you later.- OK.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52'Every dinner party I go to from now until the day I die,'
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I'll say, "Oh, did I ever tell you when I met Billy Connolly?"
0:18:04 > 0:18:06There is one more artist who has agreed to create
0:18:06 > 0:18:09a birthday portrait of me.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I'm off to meet Rachel Maclean,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14and she is a different kettle of fish altogether.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Now is the time.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Rachel is the most exciting new artist in Scotland.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22She is part performer, part film-maker,
0:18:22 > 0:18:26and creates works set in strange fantasy worlds.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28I am well out of my comfort zone on this one.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Well, Rachel, I tried to Google you last night,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36and it came up with a big picture
0:18:36 > 0:18:39with you with screeds of make-up on,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41like it had been laid on by a bricklayer.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42That will be me, yeah.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45And so it gave me no clue as to what you actually do.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48So I make mostly video work,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50but video where I'm the only actor,
0:18:50 > 0:18:55or the only model, so it is quite synthetic sort of worlds.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56RACHEL CHUCKLES
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Sounds OK to me.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I'm completely mystified.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Good, good.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03This is a film I made,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06a bit of a piss-take of various advertising formats.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08And it is called Germs.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Is that you?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Yeah.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14So I am all the characters.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21'I've never seen anything like this before,'
0:19:21 > 0:19:25and I am seriously starting to worry about what I've let myself in for.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Hello!
0:19:27 > 0:19:29RETCHING
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Tastes pretty good, huh?
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Oh, dear.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40That is the last thing on Earth I expected.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- Oh, really?- This is extraordinary.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46I really like it. It's, eh...
0:19:46 > 0:19:48I'm kind of stuck for something to say about it.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I think that this kind of art suffers from that.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55From the inability of the observers to say what they are looking at.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58So what are you going to do with me?
0:19:58 > 0:19:59RACHEL LAUGHS
0:19:59 > 0:20:01So we're going to be taking a photograph,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03and, if you're all right with it,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06we're going to be getting you done up in a kind of...
0:20:06 > 0:20:0918th-century sort of tartan regalia.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I don't have to do blue vomit or anything?
0:20:12 > 0:20:13Only if you want to.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24This is the costume that you are going to be getting into, here.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25So there is...
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- What?- ..a hat.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29So it's kind of...
0:20:29 > 0:20:32I don't know why I was thinking, like, Bonnie Prince Charlie-style...
0:20:32 > 0:20:37- Yeah.- ..tartan regalia, but with loads of references to your jokes.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45There is a wee... a wee beige jobbie in a toilet.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- Oh, I love it. - It's in a tiny toilet.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52'British Rail specialises in that one.'
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Into the toilet, lock the door, turn...
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Oh, for Christ's sake.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03There's a wee jobbie...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08A wee beige jobbie.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13You flush and flush with all your might...
0:21:17 > 0:21:19My God, you've done your homework.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22And this is a sporran, which is hair growing out your ears
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- and your nose when you get old. - Absolutely.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I love it.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30'My nose hair is accelerating, for reasons best known to itself.'
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I used to cut it once every 30 years,
0:21:36 > 0:21:37now it's like twice a month.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Presuming the body knows what it's doing, I'm very baffled.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43I wonder what's going to happen to me that's going to need
0:21:43 > 0:21:45long nasal hair to deal with it.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49And the big slipper, which I don't know if it would have been that big,
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- but I thought... - Oh, is that what that is?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- LAUGHING:- Yeah. - That's wonderful.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Yeah, I was quite pleased with how that turned out.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- If it's that scale. - When I did that big slipper stuff,
0:21:59 > 0:22:01people started to send them to me.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- Really?- Yeah.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08You get these adverts for things that they obviously can't sell.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Have you seen the big slipper?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15But it's one big slipper.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17And you put your two feet in it.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21We've also got... Can I grab the staff?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24So this is the finger up the bum.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26This is the staff.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29'Doctors become obsessively interested in your prostate
0:22:29 > 0:22:30'as soon as you turn 50.'
0:22:30 > 0:22:32There are two ways in.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34One is a camera through the hole in your willy.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Fuck that.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Wonderful. Well done.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45'The other way...'
0:22:45 > 0:22:46finger up the bottom.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Oh, for fuck's sake.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52But he's messing around in there.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59We're in a different game now.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I'm about to be humiliated, and I love it.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06It is ten times better than I thought it was going to be.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09I was living in terror of having make-up splashed onto me.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13I wasn't looking forward to it.
0:23:13 > 0:23:18Rachel has other ideas, of course, and I've only got myself to blame.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21She wants me in make-up because of another old routine.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25So I was looking, just your joke about the pale blue Scotsman.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- Pale blue Scottish person. - I always liked...
0:23:27 > 0:23:28My dad would always reference...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30when we went on summer holidays to the beach.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33I tend to frighten people on the beach, because being Scottish,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I'm pale blue.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38It takes me a week to get white, you know?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- That's really good. - Oh, my God.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46I bet you used to get notes from school,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48"Rachel has a fertile imagination."
0:23:48 > 0:23:52I used to get them, as if it was a failing.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55"Billy has a fertile imagination.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57"We'll knock that out of him."
0:23:59 > 0:24:01GIRLS LAUGH
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Holy Jesus.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05I look like a complete alien.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I think that looks about sporran height.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Sporran height? Sounds like a German word, doesn't it?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Just getting ready to step out for the groceries.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Looking great. So, into the big slipper.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40'I was always going to buy two.'
0:24:41 > 0:24:43I was going to buy a pair.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45And leave them in the fireplace.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51If I'm going out at night, in case a burglar comes in.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57"Who lives here, for Christ's sake?!"
0:24:57 > 0:25:01So I can show you the kind of image that we're going for.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03We're thinking the kind of Bonnie Prince Charlie type of...
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- Oh, right.- So, yeah, that's good.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Yeah, yeah. And maybe the legs a wee bit...
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- Jaunty.- Yeah, a wee bit jaunty.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Yeah, that looks good.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy,
0:25:21 > 0:25:22doesn't try it on.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Excuse me.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- What?- You just walloped me in the bollocks there.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32RACHEL LAUGHS
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Sorry.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39When I came up with the idea of the costume,
0:25:39 > 0:25:43I was thinking about that stereotype of a certain kind of Scottishness.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Then this idea of Billy in a contemporary sense,
0:25:47 > 0:25:49representing Scotland abroad.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52I guess it's kind of come together into something
0:25:52 > 0:25:54that is maybe at a glance traditional,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56but when you look closer,
0:25:56 > 0:25:59all the materials are kind of cheap and plasticky.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01There's a feeling of a culture
0:26:01 > 0:26:03that's inauthentic and is being reconsidered.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06I'd maybe try shocked.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10It's been astonishing.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Absolutely astonishing.
0:26:11 > 0:26:17It was great to take part in one of those post-modernist artworks.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19It's lovely.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21And maybe just very serious, kind of...
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Yeah, that's good, yeah.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26I think we've got it.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Yeah. Thank you so much. That was great.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30- APPLAUSE - Cheers.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33I've never quite done anything remotely like that before.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Aw...
0:26:35 > 0:26:37And the finger fell out of the bum.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42What I'm going to do now is take the photos
0:26:42 > 0:26:45and try and select which one will work best,
0:26:45 > 0:26:47and then start thinking about the backgrounds.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57So while Rachel, John and Jack get on with my portraits,
0:26:57 > 0:27:00I thought I'd check out another artist in town.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03A new kid on the block, as it were.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11I am about to pay a visit to Scotland's greatest living artist...
0:27:12 > 0:27:15..who bears a strange resemblance to me.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18I had never really drawn before,
0:27:18 > 0:27:20but I started doodling a few years ago
0:27:20 > 0:27:22when I was bored in a hotel room,
0:27:22 > 0:27:26and before I knew it, I had enough of them to fill a room.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I haven't seen them in such a long time,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30they go on exhibitions without me.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34I sound pathetic when I say that.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39The first exhibition in Birmingham,
0:27:39 > 0:27:41I thought there would be a lot of people going...
0:27:41 > 0:27:42BILLY SNIGGERS
0:27:42 > 0:27:44But it didn't happen. People liked it.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49And I've been doing it kind of ever since.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I'm very proud of them.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58It's all kind of random.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02Same as the way I draw them, I don't set out to draw anything.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04I didn't know it was Surreal Automatism
0:28:04 > 0:28:07until I read it on the wall over there.
0:28:07 > 0:28:12I feel terribly clever now that I'm a Surreal Automatist.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17It takes ages to do, but it's kind of meditative.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19You get carried away when you're doing it.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27And I especially... I remember him at the time.
0:28:27 > 0:28:28The Glaswegian Icarus.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35It is lovely to see them again. They are like old pals.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39It is especially nice they're in the People's Palace.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41I've always loved this place.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47I've had a long association with this gem of a building.
0:28:49 > 0:28:5340-odd years ago, they asked me to open an exhibition here.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56At the time I donated some bits and pieces for the collection,
0:28:56 > 0:28:58and they have dug them out again.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03It's strange being in a museum at all.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05You feel duty bound to be dead.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09You know? So... I have no intention of being dead.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12So it is a kind of peculiar feeling.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15Especially that guy up there,
0:29:15 > 0:29:18I didn't remember that suit until I saw it today.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21Glam rock was around.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24It had three colours, they fitted much better than they fit him.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27I spent a lot of time thinking about how I should look,
0:29:27 > 0:29:30so I got more and more outrageous.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Ooooh!
0:29:32 > 0:29:35# Our little dog is six years old... #
0:29:35 > 0:29:37'I tried everything on stage,
0:29:37 > 0:29:41'from wearing my pyjamas to dressing like a sparkly sweetie.'
0:29:41 > 0:29:43- Do you like it? AUDIENCE MEMBER:- No!
0:29:43 > 0:29:46Like a liquorice boilie, isn't it?
0:29:46 > 0:29:50But it was these fruity booties that became my trademark.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53That's an actual pair of wellies in there.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56But it took the country by storm, I'm delighted to say.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58They were very, very comfortable.
0:29:58 > 0:29:59The only trouble I had with them,
0:29:59 > 0:30:02I had to wear a leotard and tights with them,
0:30:02 > 0:30:06and pulling the tights on, the hair on my legs all went the wrong way.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09And it was kind of uncomfortable.
0:30:09 > 0:30:10But I refused to shave my legs.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14They made one and sent it up to be tried on,
0:30:14 > 0:30:17and I tried it on, thought it was amazing, you know?
0:30:17 > 0:30:20And I... I said, "Right, carry on with the other one."
0:30:20 > 0:30:24So he phones up and says, "The other one is ready," he said,
0:30:24 > 0:30:26"I must warn you," he said, "They're not identical,
0:30:26 > 0:30:28"but then bananas never are."
0:30:33 > 0:30:36I don't remember ever referencing them at all,
0:30:36 > 0:30:39I just came on like that and carried on with my act.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42I couldn't think of anything of any length to say about them.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45So I just let them speak for themselves.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48'You ever notice about the Glasgow drunk, he walks with one leg?'
0:30:48 > 0:30:50Like that.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52LAUGHTER
0:30:52 > 0:30:54APPLAUSE
0:30:57 > 0:30:59And this is my portrait by John Byrne.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07I was supposed to have this,
0:31:07 > 0:31:10then he phoned me and said, "I've finished it," but he said,
0:31:10 > 0:31:11"But it is too big for your house
0:31:11 > 0:31:14"and the People's Palace want it, what do you think?"
0:31:14 > 0:31:15And I said, "Great."
0:31:17 > 0:31:19It's identical to how I looked then, as well.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22It's an incredible likeness.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26The great thing about being painted by John,
0:31:26 > 0:31:28he paints great clothes on you. They don't exist.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31He just painted them from his head.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35This is astonishing.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38Apparently the postcard sells quite well as well.
0:31:42 > 0:31:46I've always loved this portrait since the first minute I saw it.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49And I will soon have more to enjoy as well.
0:31:58 > 0:32:04I just start, and it will just change or develop as I go along.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Because I want to be surprised at the end,
0:32:06 > 0:32:10as opposed to having a finished image in my head.
0:32:14 > 0:32:15Since he got...
0:32:17 > 0:32:19..the onset of Parkinson's, he's very...
0:32:23 > 0:32:26He sort of moves differently. You know, he was very...
0:32:27 > 0:32:30..as you can imagine him onstage...
0:32:30 > 0:32:32He would roam about the stage,
0:32:32 > 0:32:35which he cannae do now.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38I met Ian Holm, the actor, who suffers from it,
0:32:38 > 0:32:41and he has had it longer than me.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44And he says, "Do you shake much, your hands?"
0:32:44 > 0:32:47And I said, "No, when I'm nervous or when I'm tired, it shakes a bit."
0:32:47 > 0:32:50He said, "Oh, yeah. It probably will, yeah."
0:32:50 > 0:32:52He said, "I'll give you a bit of advice.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55"If it shakes, just stick it in your pocket."
0:32:55 > 0:32:57He forgot to mention jacket pocket.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06It's only a physical impediment.
0:33:06 > 0:33:12He's very clear thinking and just as funny if not funnier than ever.
0:33:12 > 0:33:17He seems slightly more thoughtful about everything,
0:33:17 > 0:33:20as we all get to...
0:33:20 > 0:33:22towards the end of this...
0:33:22 > 0:33:23journey.
0:33:33 > 0:33:34I haven't seen this for years.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40There's a great...
0:33:40 > 0:33:42a great sketch, if you like...
0:33:44 > 0:33:47..called The Crucifixion.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49The way The Last Supper really happened...
0:33:49 > 0:33:51All the apostles were in there,
0:33:51 > 0:33:54drinking wine and tearing lumps off the Mother's Pride.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56Singing, shouting and bawling.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58SHOUTING: We are the Christians!
0:33:58 > 0:34:01Uh-oh, into these Romans!
0:34:01 > 0:34:05Gie's another glass of that wine. Oh!
0:34:05 > 0:34:10And The Crucifixion, I'm sure, was the first sketch that I ever heard,
0:34:10 > 0:34:14you know, and I thought, "That is just amazing," you know?
0:34:14 > 0:34:16So I said, "I think I'll have a kip on this dod of wood here."
0:34:16 > 0:34:18So I lie down like that.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22Woke up an hour later.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25"Wait a minute!
0:34:25 > 0:34:28"Some joker's been up and nailed me to the wood!
0:34:29 > 0:34:32"Lying there in my Y-fronts like a right eejit."
0:34:40 > 0:34:42There's quite a lot to whittle down,
0:34:42 > 0:34:44but these ones are starting to get into something
0:34:44 > 0:34:48a bit more kind of regal, which I quite like.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50RACHEL CHUCKLES
0:34:51 > 0:34:55I think I'm going for something that's serious, serious expression
0:34:55 > 0:34:59to kind of react against the silliness of the costume.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01But I think there is a kind of responsibility
0:35:01 > 0:35:03in representing Billy,
0:35:03 > 0:35:04because he is so well known
0:35:04 > 0:35:08and he's this kind of national treasure within Scotland.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10It is bloody terrifying.
0:35:10 > 0:35:11It really is.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21If you look at what I am copying from,
0:35:21 > 0:35:23you just can't see any detail,
0:35:23 > 0:35:26so I have been working from that and from this.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Just to get where the studs are
0:35:28 > 0:35:32and how the sort of flaps come over, you know?
0:35:32 > 0:35:34Bit of a bonus that he's wearing gloves,
0:35:34 > 0:35:36because I am no' very good at painting hands.
0:35:41 > 0:35:46Billy was wearing a blue shirt with tiny little stars all over it.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49He liked the shirt and I didnae particularly like the shirt,
0:35:49 > 0:35:52so I am going to give him a black shirt.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03This is where I spent my childhood.
0:36:03 > 0:36:07So we're just looking at some archive footage
0:36:07 > 0:36:10and possibly take some of this imagery so that it can be used,
0:36:10 > 0:36:13but then mixed with newer imagery.
0:36:13 > 0:36:15And these are the big badlands of Glasgow.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20To get the images for the backgrounds,
0:36:20 > 0:36:23I am going to go out and just try and take some photographs
0:36:23 > 0:36:24of contemporary Glasgow.
0:36:26 > 0:36:29I kind of want it to also have the feeling
0:36:29 > 0:36:33of maybe the Glasgow of Billy's sort of early career too.
0:36:38 > 0:36:42# I started work up in Partick
0:36:42 > 0:36:46# But my workmates were acting gae queer... #
0:36:46 > 0:36:50When I was a child, it was like a village, Partick.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52As was Govan, Maryhill and the other Glasgow districts.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57And there were always colourful people wandering about the place.
0:36:57 > 0:37:01There are many, many small men in Partick.
0:37:01 > 0:37:05In Partick, we used to call those little men "talking bunnets",
0:37:05 > 0:37:08you know, because you looked down on the top of their head all the time
0:37:08 > 0:37:10when they're talking.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13There are many men in Partick who have the face of a policeman.
0:37:13 > 0:37:18I used to describe it as a city baker's Halloween cake face.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20# As a hulking big 6'2 brickie
0:37:21 > 0:37:24# For heaven's sake, lay them dead quick. #
0:37:31 > 0:37:35So I am now working on a Scottish sky, you know,
0:37:35 > 0:37:39trying to make it quite sort of kind of stormy-looking.
0:37:52 > 0:37:56This is the last step, the whole thing comes down here
0:37:56 > 0:37:58and ends right here.
0:38:12 > 0:38:13Shit.
0:38:16 > 0:38:17Christ.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26JOHN HUMS TUNE
0:38:38 > 0:38:44I was on Billy's old street where he grew up, and took some photographs.
0:38:44 > 0:38:48But then found this chip shop and kind of doorway,
0:38:48 > 0:38:53which seems like quite a banal, quite a boring photograph,
0:38:53 > 0:38:58but I thought it would be fun in the sense of how realistic and grimy
0:38:58 > 0:39:01and banal it is in comparison to the costume,
0:39:01 > 0:39:05so now it is just a case of cutting Billy out
0:39:05 > 0:39:06to try and make the two images
0:39:06 > 0:39:08feel like they're part of the same world.
0:39:30 > 0:39:31Do you think he'll like it?
0:39:35 > 0:39:39So I hear the artists have all been working hard on my portraits,
0:39:39 > 0:39:41but I've been working away as well.
0:39:41 > 0:39:45I'm over in the fair city of Dublin finishing some shows.
0:39:45 > 0:39:48Well, this is the end of the tour.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51I did two nights in Belfast and I've got three nights in Dublin.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55And it's lovely. The High Horse Tour.
0:39:57 > 0:39:59It's the biggest crowds I've ever played to
0:39:59 > 0:40:01since I toured with Elton in the '70s.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04We did Madison Square Garden and things like that.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09It's extraordinary.
0:40:12 > 0:40:14My career has been like that since day one,
0:40:14 > 0:40:17it's been growth all the way.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20Right through, 50 years of growth.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22It is remarkable, isn't it?
0:40:22 > 0:40:24I don't know why.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27Most careers are that shape, you know.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29They just naturally tail off as you get older.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32Mine has gone like that and kind of plateaued
0:40:32 > 0:40:36and then up again like this at the end.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:55 > 0:40:56Hello.
0:40:59 > 0:41:00I am easing towards this.
0:41:00 > 0:41:04You'll find that most of the night I cling to this like a sailor...
0:41:04 > 0:41:07clinging to a raft.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10There's good reason for it, I'll tell you later.
0:41:10 > 0:41:11But we'll get started.
0:41:12 > 0:41:13Donald Trump.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15LAUGHTER
0:41:17 > 0:41:19'I've got a chair now.'
0:41:19 > 0:41:22I don't sit on it, I haven't sat on it yet.
0:41:23 > 0:41:27I've got this battle with this chair, I'm not sitting on you.
0:41:27 > 0:41:28It's right behind me.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31So I have a little personal vendetta with it,
0:41:31 > 0:41:32that I'm not going to sit on it.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36It is just one of those things, you know,
0:41:36 > 0:41:38so I don't know how to handle it.
0:41:38 > 0:41:40I just stand still and do it and people like it.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43The strength's in the material.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45Please, if you ever meet me and you want a selfie,
0:41:45 > 0:41:46have your stuff ready.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50Don't make me stand there as you go through your fucking bag,
0:41:50 > 0:41:52looking for your camera.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55Because it looks as if I asked you to do it, you know?
0:42:03 > 0:42:05It actually helps me at the time.
0:42:05 > 0:42:09I know before it, I tend to feel hellish.
0:42:09 > 0:42:11When I come off, I don't feel all that brilliant,
0:42:11 > 0:42:12but during it I love it.
0:42:13 > 0:42:18I get a real buzz, a real boost of energy.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20It's extraordinary.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23Then I come off, I'm much better than when I went on.
0:42:25 > 0:42:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:27 > 0:42:31MUSIC: Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On by Jerry Lee Lewis
0:42:35 > 0:42:38I don't think it is a good enough reason to stop,
0:42:38 > 0:42:40because you've reached a certain number.
0:42:41 > 0:42:44I think I'll have plenty of reasons to stop as time goes by,
0:42:44 > 0:42:46but until then, I'm OK.
0:42:48 > 0:42:50As long as the stuff's going down well.
0:42:50 > 0:42:52And I'll be able to spot it when it stops.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56You know, with the slightest hint of it dipping,
0:42:56 > 0:42:58I'll come out of there.
0:42:58 > 0:42:59Out of the arena.
0:43:03 > 0:43:05CHEERING
0:43:16 > 0:43:19While I am in Dublin, someone's popped over to see me.
0:43:21 > 0:43:25Rachel's here, and she has brought her finished portrait with her.
0:43:27 > 0:43:29So this is the first time I've seen it framed,
0:43:29 > 0:43:32so, yeah, it's really nice to see the finished piece.
0:43:32 > 0:43:36It looks great, so I'm looking forward to seeing what Billy thinks.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40It's been a good few months since we last met,
0:43:40 > 0:43:45so what on Earth has she been up to since that strange photo shoot?
0:43:45 > 0:43:49- Hello. How are you doing? - Good to see you.
0:43:49 > 0:43:50Nice to see you again.
0:43:50 > 0:43:52- Hi, Rachel, lovely to see you. - How have you been?
0:43:52 > 0:43:53- I can't wait to see the thing. - I know.
0:43:53 > 0:43:55Yeah, looking forward to seeing what you think of it.
0:43:55 > 0:43:57Because I haven't a clue what it's going to be like.
0:43:57 > 0:44:00- Yeah.- Will we go? - Yeah, come through.
0:44:00 > 0:44:02This better be good.
0:44:02 > 0:44:03RACHEL LAUGHS
0:44:03 > 0:44:06Oh, my God!
0:44:06 > 0:44:08It's amazing!
0:44:08 > 0:44:10RACHEL LAUGHS
0:44:18 > 0:44:20This morning I was lying in bed saying,
0:44:20 > 0:44:22"I wonder what it looks like."
0:44:22 > 0:44:25I was trying to get a picture in my mind and I couldn't.
0:44:25 > 0:44:26RACHEL LAUGHS
0:44:26 > 0:44:27Because I'd forgotten what...
0:44:27 > 0:44:29I hadn't forgotten what I looked like,
0:44:29 > 0:44:31I didn't know what I looked like on the day.
0:44:31 > 0:44:32Yeah, of course, of course.
0:44:32 > 0:44:36- You know, there was no mirrors or anything.- Yeah.
0:44:36 > 0:44:38Yeah, we went through a few different expressions,
0:44:38 > 0:44:41but I quite like the kind of serious middle-distance expression,
0:44:41 > 0:44:44- it feels...- I love that.
0:44:44 > 0:44:46I think it's amazing. Well done.
0:44:46 > 0:44:48- Good.- I love my sporran.
0:44:48 > 0:44:51Oh, yeah, the hairy sporran came out quite well.
0:44:51 > 0:44:53THEY LAUGH
0:44:53 > 0:44:57I had it in my mind that it was kind of female-looking, and it isn't.
0:44:57 > 0:45:01No, no. It's got that kind of Bonnie Prince Charlie sort of pose.
0:45:01 > 0:45:03Yeah.
0:45:03 > 0:45:06But I quite wanted the background to be a bit kind of grubby
0:45:06 > 0:45:08- and to feel like...- Yeah.
0:45:08 > 0:45:10- ..Glasgow at night. - Urban, yeah.
0:45:10 > 0:45:12I quite like the way the sausage
0:45:12 > 0:45:15sort of complements the banana horns.
0:45:15 > 0:45:17- FRENCH ACCENT: The "sausage". - Yeah.
0:45:18 > 0:45:22I think they should make the Lord Provost dress like that.
0:45:22 > 0:45:24- LAUGHING:- Yeah, that would be good.
0:45:24 > 0:45:27- Year round.- Yeah. I know.
0:45:27 > 0:45:28A kind of national dress.
0:45:28 > 0:45:31LAUGHTER
0:45:31 > 0:45:32It's lovely.
0:45:36 > 0:45:39What a job Rachel's done on me.
0:45:39 > 0:45:41Despite all the crazy gear I've worn over the years,
0:45:41 > 0:45:44I don't think I've ever seen myself looking quite so absurd.
0:45:46 > 0:45:49I look like a deep-fried Jacobean dandy.
0:45:50 > 0:45:52And I absolutely adore it.
0:46:06 > 0:46:08Oh, it's a great town, Partick.
0:46:09 > 0:46:12And there's the most important building.
0:46:12 > 0:46:13Partick Library.
0:46:13 > 0:46:16Many a happy hour I spent in there.
0:46:18 > 0:46:20I'm back in Glasgow and I'm here to meet up
0:46:20 > 0:46:24with Jack and John and see their finished paintings.
0:46:28 > 0:46:31I would presume he would say he liked it,
0:46:31 > 0:46:34if only out of friendship...and pity.
0:46:34 > 0:46:37HE LAUGHS
0:46:37 > 0:46:40Mine is quite plain, it's obviously like him.
0:46:40 > 0:46:43But I put a little wording around the frame...
0:46:45 > 0:46:46..which might tickle him.
0:46:49 > 0:46:52It is a difficult thing to prepare yourself
0:46:52 > 0:46:55for someone's reaction to your work.
0:46:59 > 0:47:02But it was a privilege, and it will be a privilege,
0:47:02 > 0:47:04to meet Billy and see his reaction.
0:47:04 > 0:47:07So I just hope that he likes it.
0:47:14 > 0:47:16I'm meeting Jack and John
0:47:16 > 0:47:19in what I think is one of the greatest buildings in the world -
0:47:19 > 0:47:22the Kelvingrove Art Gallery and Museum.
0:47:23 > 0:47:26I was brought up just a mile away, and like many a wee boy,
0:47:26 > 0:47:29the park here beside the gallery was a regular haunt.
0:47:31 > 0:47:34There's a song - "Will you go to Kelvingrove, bonnie lassie-o?
0:47:34 > 0:47:37"Through its mazes, let us rove, bonnie lassie."
0:47:37 > 0:47:39I always wondered where the mazes were, you know?
0:47:39 > 0:47:42It was well gone by the time I was a boy.
0:47:42 > 0:47:46# Let us haste to Kelvingrove
0:47:46 > 0:47:50# Bonnie lassie-o
0:47:50 > 0:47:54# Through her mazes let us rove
0:47:54 > 0:47:58# Bonnie lassie-o... #
0:47:58 > 0:48:01I would be about nine, I think.
0:48:01 > 0:48:05That was just about 500 yards away, just on the other side of the river,
0:48:05 > 0:48:07looking this way.
0:48:07 > 0:48:10We'd come here every Sunday, my sister and I and my friends.
0:48:10 > 0:48:12My brother Michael was made to come with me.
0:48:12 > 0:48:15He was only six and I was, like, 12,
0:48:15 > 0:48:19so I would lock him in a telephone box down at the gate,
0:48:19 > 0:48:21and go and play in the park.
0:48:21 > 0:48:26# Though I dare not call thee mine
0:48:26 > 0:48:30# Bonnie lassie-o... #
0:48:30 > 0:48:33There's a fountain across here behind me.
0:48:33 > 0:48:36Vinny Maron threw me in one day.
0:48:37 > 0:48:39So when I look at this park,
0:48:39 > 0:48:41I don't see trees and splendid scenery -
0:48:41 > 0:48:44I see all the places where I was flung into the fountain,
0:48:44 > 0:48:47where I watched the cleansing department
0:48:47 > 0:48:50tipping snow into the Kelvin river, and it's lovely.
0:48:52 > 0:48:54As well as looking forward to seeing my portraits,
0:48:54 > 0:48:59I'm also going to enjoy a wander around the Kelvingrove Gallery.
0:48:59 > 0:49:00I used to come here all the time,
0:49:00 > 0:49:02but I haven't been in about 20 years,
0:49:02 > 0:49:04and there's been a fair few changes.
0:49:05 > 0:49:06Where's all the stuff?
0:49:16 > 0:49:17Oh, my God! That's brilliant!
0:49:18 > 0:49:20Good old Glasgow.
0:49:25 > 0:49:27Oh, that's fantastic!
0:49:29 > 0:49:32It is a great place. It was always a friendly place.
0:49:32 > 0:49:35My sister and I would take our shoes off
0:49:35 > 0:49:37and slide on our stockinged feet,
0:49:37 > 0:49:39just slid down here...
0:49:40 > 0:49:41..going that way.
0:49:42 > 0:49:44God, it's weird being back here.
0:49:47 > 0:49:49I remember that elephant very well.
0:49:49 > 0:49:52They used to have a tiger called Sheila
0:49:52 > 0:49:59and she escaped in Calder Park Zoo and had to be put down
0:49:59 > 0:50:01and they had her stuffed and mounted in here.
0:50:03 > 0:50:04'Like many a Glaswegian,
0:50:04 > 0:50:08'there's one particular painting here that's burned into my memory.'
0:50:09 > 0:50:12Oh, there it is.
0:50:18 > 0:50:20This is Christ Of St John Of The Cross
0:50:20 > 0:50:22by Salvador Dali.
0:50:22 > 0:50:26It was bought by the city in 1952, when I was just ten years old.
0:50:27 > 0:50:28God, I love that.
0:50:30 > 0:50:32I've been looking at that since I was a little boy.
0:50:32 > 0:50:34It's probably one of the most important paintings of my life.
0:50:34 > 0:50:37You know, it was the first painting to instil in me
0:50:37 > 0:50:40that a painting could be enjoyed by me
0:50:40 > 0:50:42and I'm sure there was lots of people like me
0:50:42 > 0:50:45who saw it as children and it instilled in them a love of painting.
0:50:46 > 0:50:51As fond as I am of this painting, it's not the work I'm here to see.
0:50:51 > 0:50:53The real treats are still to come.
0:50:54 > 0:50:57If ever I wanted a cigarette, it's now.
0:51:00 > 0:51:01JACK LAUGHS
0:51:01 > 0:51:03As I live and breathe, Mr Vettriano!
0:51:03 > 0:51:06- Do you remember me? - Of course I do. How are you?
0:51:06 > 0:51:07- Lovely to see you.- You too.
0:51:07 > 0:51:11But enough of the badinage. Show me the work.
0:51:11 > 0:51:12This way.
0:51:13 > 0:51:16'I can't wait to see what Jack has made.
0:51:16 > 0:51:17'It's hard to believe a fleeting moment
0:51:17 > 0:51:21'caught on a stormy day in the north-east has led to this.'
0:51:21 > 0:51:22The whole thing comes down here...
0:51:24 > 0:51:27Oh, my God!
0:51:27 > 0:51:29Oh, it's great.
0:51:35 > 0:51:37Well done. That's superb.
0:51:37 > 0:51:38Thanks, Billy, thanks very much.
0:51:38 > 0:51:40You've got it.
0:51:40 > 0:51:43- Well, you remember that day... - I remember the day so well.
0:51:43 > 0:51:44Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:51:44 > 0:51:47- I remember the cold so well, and the wind.- Yeah.
0:51:47 > 0:51:49You've got the power of that day, there,
0:51:49 > 0:51:52which must have been incredibly difficult to do.
0:51:52 > 0:51:56It's a kind of rare thing, to be in at the beginning of it, you know?
0:51:56 > 0:52:00The planning of it, with Jack explaining what he was going to do
0:52:00 > 0:52:05and then to see it complete is just such a luxury.
0:52:05 > 0:52:07It's an extraordinary piece of work.
0:52:07 > 0:52:09I should tell you the title.
0:52:09 > 0:52:10Oh, yeah?
0:52:10 > 0:52:14The title is Dr Connolly, I Presume?
0:52:14 > 0:52:16BILLY LAUGHS
0:52:16 > 0:52:18Which I thought was all right. Do you...?
0:52:18 > 0:52:21- Are you OK with that? - Oh, that's lovely.
0:52:21 > 0:52:23Yeah, I think it's good, that.
0:52:23 > 0:52:25Oh, that's terrific.
0:52:25 > 0:52:27There's an immense power in it, Jack.
0:52:27 > 0:52:28You know, the power of the sky
0:52:28 > 0:52:30and the power of the weather and the wind
0:52:30 > 0:52:32and the power of this.
0:52:32 > 0:52:33Yeah, yeah.
0:52:33 > 0:52:35So I'm so pleased you like it.
0:52:35 > 0:52:36Oh, I do. I love it.
0:52:37 > 0:52:40Yes, I think you've passed your audition, Mr Vettriano.
0:52:40 > 0:52:43- We'll let you do another painting. - Thank you.
0:52:46 > 0:52:48I'm absolutely over the moon
0:52:48 > 0:52:50with the painting that Jack has done of me
0:52:50 > 0:52:51and now it's time to see
0:52:51 > 0:52:54what my dear friend John Byrne has been up to.
0:52:58 > 0:53:01- How great to see you. - Oh, it's wonderful.
0:53:01 > 0:53:02It's wonderful to see you, Billy.
0:53:04 > 0:53:07You'll not think so when you see your picture!
0:53:07 > 0:53:10THEY LAUGH
0:53:10 > 0:53:12You're looking very well.
0:53:12 > 0:53:14I feel terrible.
0:53:14 > 0:53:15THEY LAUGH
0:53:17 > 0:53:19Shall we go through to see this?
0:53:19 > 0:53:21Let's meander.
0:53:21 > 0:53:23The big reveal...
0:53:23 > 0:53:25Oh, my God!
0:53:25 > 0:53:28It's horrible!
0:53:28 > 0:53:29It's brilliant.
0:53:31 > 0:53:32Thank you.
0:53:34 > 0:53:37If I didn't know it before, I know it now for sure.
0:53:37 > 0:53:38John is a genius.
0:53:38 > 0:53:40This is like looking into a mirror.
0:53:42 > 0:53:43That's fantastic, John.
0:53:43 > 0:53:47- Thank you, Billy. - So you do know my soul right enough.
0:53:47 > 0:53:48You weren't just havering.
0:53:48 > 0:53:50I was havering a bit as well.
0:53:50 > 0:53:51THEY CHUCKLE
0:53:51 > 0:53:54But behind every haver, there's a wee bit of slaiver.
0:53:57 > 0:53:59I love the expression.
0:53:59 > 0:54:01That was your expression that day.
0:54:01 > 0:54:03One of pure contempt.
0:54:03 > 0:54:05- It is, it's contemptuous, isn't it? - I know it is.
0:54:05 > 0:54:08I like the mugshot effect as well.
0:54:08 > 0:54:10I know, I put that in.
0:54:10 > 0:54:12And it's not just the painting.
0:54:12 > 0:54:15John has included a surprise for me in the frame as well.
0:54:15 > 0:54:19"A chucky in the water, see the baggy..."
0:54:19 > 0:54:20Oh, aye.
0:54:20 > 0:54:23That's a song I used to do. I didn't write it.
0:54:23 > 0:54:27# Fling a chucky in the watter
0:54:27 > 0:54:30# See the baggy minnies scattair
0:54:30 > 0:54:34# Fine well they know what we're aftair
0:54:34 > 0:54:38# Wi' wir jeely jaurs and nets in haund... #
0:54:38 > 0:54:44# Ah got a stick o' rock for my Auntie Fanny
0:54:47 > 0:54:52# And a salt dish for my mammy... #
0:54:52 > 0:54:54Tear your heart out, wouldn't it, John?
0:54:54 > 0:54:57I know, it's a heartbreaking song.
0:54:57 > 0:55:00- I love the frame, though. Isn't it brilliant?- Oh, aye.
0:55:00 > 0:55:02It just came to me,
0:55:02 > 0:55:07I had to put a legend on the frame as well as frame a legend.
0:55:07 > 0:55:08Well, John, that's remarkable.
0:55:08 > 0:55:11Oh, thank you, Billy.
0:55:11 > 0:55:13It's remarkable because it's you.
0:55:15 > 0:55:21To be with John and the painting is just fantastic, because John has
0:55:21 > 0:55:24given me some of the happiest moments of my life.
0:55:24 > 0:55:27It's a breathtaking likeness,
0:55:27 > 0:55:29but that's what you would expect from John.
0:55:29 > 0:55:34# Aw, Saltcoats...
0:55:34 > 0:55:39# Goodbye. #
0:55:40 > 0:55:43So that's my three birthday portraits complete
0:55:43 > 0:55:46and what a pleasure it's been having them done.
0:55:48 > 0:55:50And it's great to know they'll be hung together
0:55:50 > 0:55:52at the People's Palace in Glasgow.
0:55:55 > 0:55:56Now, I thought that would be the end of it,
0:55:56 > 0:55:59but it turns out Glasgow has a big surprise in store
0:55:59 > 0:56:00for little old me.
0:56:27 > 0:56:30The paintings have been transformed into giant murals
0:56:30 > 0:56:32right in the centre of Glasgow.
0:56:35 > 0:56:37Oh, my God!
0:56:38 > 0:56:40Jesus, that's amazing.
0:56:42 > 0:56:44I've never seen myself that size before.
0:56:46 > 0:56:48Oh, look at the wee bird.
0:56:48 > 0:56:49There's a wee bird's nest
0:56:49 > 0:56:51in my shoulder.
0:56:52 > 0:56:54Isn't that great?
0:57:02 > 0:57:03Very moving.
0:57:06 > 0:57:08That's set my left arm going.
0:57:09 > 0:57:11I try to stop it shaking but it's away again.
0:57:18 > 0:57:23# Oh, I wish I was in Glasgow
0:57:23 > 0:57:28# With some good old friends of mine
0:57:28 > 0:57:30# Some good old... #
0:57:30 > 0:57:32I'm very proud of that.
0:57:34 > 0:57:37I'm deeply impressed by Glasgow doing this for me.
0:57:37 > 0:57:41Especially when you don't live in your home town any more.
0:57:41 > 0:57:44It's the strangest feeling, you become a kind of tourist
0:57:44 > 0:57:45in your own home town,
0:57:45 > 0:57:49but not any more, not with this.
0:57:49 > 0:57:50Glasgow belangs to me.
0:57:54 > 0:57:57# Oh, I was born in Glasgow... #
0:57:57 > 0:58:01I'm shaking like a leaf, it's just had the most profound effect on me.
0:58:01 > 0:58:05# I would take you there and show you
0:58:05 > 0:58:09# But they've pulled the building down... #
0:58:11 > 0:58:12My God.
0:58:14 > 0:58:16Oh, that's extraordinary.
0:58:19 > 0:58:21She's a clever girl, our Rachel.
0:58:24 > 0:58:27I'm truly amazed at the effect these have had on me.
0:58:27 > 0:58:29They have just completely stunned me.
0:58:30 > 0:58:33They're so big, the effect on me is so profound.
0:58:36 > 0:58:41People going to that length for me, it's just taken my breath away.
0:58:45 > 0:58:48You're doing well, are you?
0:58:48 > 0:58:51- Trying my best. - That's good, that's good.
0:58:51 > 0:58:52Look after yourself.
0:58:52 > 0:58:54Can I shake your hand, Billy?
0:58:54 > 0:58:56- Great to meet you. - Look after yourself.
0:58:56 > 0:58:58Brilliant, Billy, man. You gave us inspiration.
0:58:58 > 0:59:00- All right, mate? - Thank you very much.
0:59:00 > 0:59:02God bless you, mate. All right?
0:59:02 > 0:59:04Nae hassles at all.
0:59:05 > 0:59:06Billy Connolly...
0:59:06 > 0:59:08HE EXHALES
0:59:08 > 0:59:09What can I tell you?
0:59:12 > 0:59:16Thank you very much and... goodnight!
0:59:18 > 0:59:21CHEERING