0:00:02 > 0:00:05Alone at last! Get the grapes out and let's get at it!
0:00:06 > 0:00:08LAUGHTER
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Morecambe and Wise.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Suave...
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Debonair...
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Sophisticated...
0:00:50 > 0:00:52The perfect gentlemen.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53I like you a lot.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56A word of advice from a man of the world.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Yes?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Don't fall in love with me. You'll only get hurt.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Why?
0:01:01 > 0:01:02I always leave my boots on.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Sweet-talking their way into women's hearts across the nation.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Are you going?
0:01:12 > 0:01:16The last agent the British sent was putty in my hands.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18I know him well.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20His windows fell out last week.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Kiss me, Hubert.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Kiss your what?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25I'm sorry!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Will I be interfering with His Majesty's...obligations?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30I sincerely hope so!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Just give me five minutes alone with him.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Tell her it's not long enough.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37It takes me 20 minutes to get my wellies off.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Welcome to the show dedicated
0:01:39 > 0:01:43to the partnership of Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46arguably Britain's greatest ever double act.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Tonight's show focuses on their genius for persuading brilliant,
0:01:50 > 0:01:54beautiful women to look daft before an audience of millions.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Where's my daughter Susan? She was with us.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Ah. She's here now.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- I can manage. - You'll have to go back.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07You've dropped the piano.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I knew something like this would happen.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11What does this letter contain that makes you look so distraught?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13It is from Philip of Spain.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Can I have the stamp?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Is your back still bad?
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Sit by me.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32I only wish we had some music.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34That's easily arranged.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39ACCORDION PLAYS
0:02:45 > 0:02:47And the plays what Ernie wrote -
0:02:47 > 0:02:50masterpieces of high culture
0:02:50 > 0:02:54that proved ideal for getting those women out of their comfort zone,
0:02:54 > 0:02:59where their talents would be stretched to the limit and beyond.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Way beyond.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03What a nice place you have here.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Oh, yes, we like it here.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07The only problem is it does get so terribly hot.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09FRANTIC DRUMMING
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- And because of the heat, one gets quite exhausted.- I understand, yes.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21However...
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Flee, my darling, flee.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25You must leave at once.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Much as I love you, you must go now.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Such a love as ours only comes once in a lifetime.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Nay, once in 1,000 lifetimes.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34ERIC SNORES
0:03:34 > 0:03:35But I fear for your life.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Go, my darling, and if I never see you again,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41at least I shall have memories of your wonderful love.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47HE SNORES
0:03:47 > 0:03:49LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:03:50 > 0:03:54- ..money.- Yes. - You're in love with these...
0:03:54 > 0:03:55LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:04:00 > 0:04:01What?
0:04:01 > 0:04:05It can't be true. I don't believe it.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06What's happened?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09The mighty Kong has escaped from the London Zoo and is heading this way.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- Good Lord! - Don't, whatever you do, panic!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Don't worry. Everything is...
0:04:19 > 0:04:21SCREAMING CROWDS
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Quick, Susan.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26LAUGHTER
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Have you got a new window cleaner?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34# Come into the garden, Maud
0:04:34 > 0:04:38# For the black bat, night, has flown
0:04:38 > 0:04:41# Come into the garden, Maud
0:04:41 > 0:04:44# I am here at the gate alone
0:04:44 > 0:04:48# I am here at the gate alone Cha-cha-cha. #
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Yes, we women were vital to the strange,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56complex alchemy between Eric and Ernie.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01No matter how much the boys would flirt, flatter and woo,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03their tactics would inevitably fail,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06leaving them with egg on their faces
0:05:06 > 0:05:09and sharing a bed with no-one but each other...again.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11What would I have to give you for a little kiss?
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Chloroform.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17LAUGHTER
0:05:22 > 0:05:24My queen.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26I search in vain for words adequate enough
0:05:26 > 0:05:28to describe your great beauty.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Try.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36How would you like a romantic interlude with the most
0:05:36 > 0:05:41beautiful, handsome, virile lover in the whole of Cornshire?
0:05:41 > 0:05:45OK, but if he's not here in ten minutes, I'm leaving.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Please.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50There was a young lady from Reading
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Who saw something move in the bedding
0:05:52 > 0:05:55She didn't half jump
0:05:55 > 0:05:56When she saw this big lump...
0:05:56 > 0:06:00- That's it!- Oh, you heard it, eh? I see. I see.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I have never been so humiliated in my life.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- I didn't write this. - I'm sure you didn't.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- It's not my dialogue.- What's the little man done?- What have I done?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11You have ruined the whole play with your filthy poems.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15And you are the worst actor that it has ever been my misfortune
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- to work with. - You're very kind.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Their on-screen relationship with women is remembered as being smart
0:06:22 > 0:06:25and playful, silly yet sophisticated.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Percy, what do you want?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29I'd like you, if you have time, ma'am, to come
0:06:29 > 0:06:31and have a look at my balls.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34LAUGHTER
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Before I press 'em in the warm earth...
0:06:36 > 0:06:38with my dibble.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41But it wasn't always like that.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44In their early, less enlightened days,
0:06:44 > 0:06:48women on their shows were little more than props.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Here they are in the dark ages of 1962.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Zoo Quest. Seven years ago,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59that great explorer, that great zoologist, Captain Eric Morecambe,
0:06:59 > 0:07:02went to the jungles of South America to discover the wildlife there.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Now, he's just returned and we've rushed him straight to the studio.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08He's going to talk about some of the fascinating animals
0:07:08 > 0:07:09he has brought back with him.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Let's have a look at his exhibits.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- Well, welcome home, Captain Morecambe.- Nice to be back.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Sit down, boy. Down, boy. Sit, sit. That's a good boy.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- It must be wonderful to be back in civilisation.- It most certainly is.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26What happened to it?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Down, boy. Get down. There's a good boy.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30But what about this that you have got in here?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- It is most unusual, isn't it? - Well, it needs feeding.- Feeding?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- That is the most important thing. - Oh, is it?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38It lives on bracelets, fur coats and above all, cheque-books.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Cheque-books? - Very fond of cheque-books. Watch it.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43There is a cheque-book. See? Kiss, kiss.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46He is a good boy.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Their first writers, Dick Hills and Sid Green -
0:07:51 > 0:07:53known universally as Sid and Dick -
0:07:53 > 0:07:57gave Eric and Ernie clearly defined roles.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Ernie was the successful suitor, Eric the hapless loser in love.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06The women were simply there as the decorative objects of their desire.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Well, ladies and gentlemen,
0:08:07 > 0:08:11we're now going to present a little French thing that we saw
0:08:11 > 0:08:14in Paris where a girl comes on wearing only a fur coat
0:08:14 > 0:08:16and I come out and rip it off her.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18She's got nothing on.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20LAUGHTER
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Are we? I'm going to do that?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Will we get away with it?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Yvette.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30- FRENCH ACCENT:- Why are you here?
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Who is this man and why are you wearing your fur coat?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37I just slipped it on. That is all.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39In ze middle of July?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41It is 82 degrees in the shade.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43It's 102 in the shade.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Uncle Tom's Cabin!
0:08:46 > 0:08:49It is getting hotter every moment.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- I am quite cool, thank you, Jacques. - Don't be ridiculous.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54The sweat is pouring off you.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56And quite a lot is pouring off me.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01And there's just a little pouring off him.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- Get it off.- That is the last thing that I want to do.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07It is the only thing I want you to do.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- Get it off!- No.- I insist.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12All right, all right. I cannot argue any longer.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14If you must take it off, then take it off.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Now?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Stop!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Well, of course, ladies and gentlemen, in Paris,
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- the fur coat actually came off. - Yes.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33But for £4 a year television licence,
0:09:33 > 0:09:35what can you expect?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36LAUGHTER
0:09:36 > 0:09:41But there was one actress who made it past the status of clothes horse.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44How are we going to get out of here, Mr Solo?
0:09:46 > 0:09:50And she would become their leading lady for the next 12 years.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Ann Hamilton.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54DOORBELL RINGS
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- Thank you.- Oh, yes?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- I am sorry to be a nuisance... - Forget it.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- What do you want?- Salvation Army. - Sorry. I'm a pacifist.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Excuse me.- Certainly.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18- Hello, Doctor.- Good morning, Mr Wise.- Do come in.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20What is wrong with you this time?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23It is the same trouble as before, Doctor.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Not again!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28HE WHISTLES
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Better stop that. The doctor will be here in a minute.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37Oh, who could have done this dreadful thing?
0:10:37 > 0:10:41He was such a sweet, kind, gentle man.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Psst!
0:10:49 > 0:10:52We've lost the moustache. We've lost the moustache.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58You'll have to do it again. Do it again.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00You might have to do the dance with him.
0:11:03 > 0:11:08- Oh, thank you. Thank you! Thank you! - It's all too much for me, this.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10- Nothing.- Thank you! Thank you! - Thank you!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- I say, do you have to do that? - It's perks, yes.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Ann Hamilton was an actress and dancer
0:11:16 > 0:11:18who at the start of her career in 1957
0:11:18 > 0:11:21was a chorus girl at the Windmill Theatre.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26The Windmill was famous for its nude revues.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29But Ann was a classically trained ballet dancer -
0:11:29 > 0:11:32a rung or two up in the theatre's hierarchy.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34She got to keep her clothes on.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Eric and Ernie had bumped into Hamilton on the variety circuit
0:11:39 > 0:11:42but it was writers Sid and Dick who first suggested her
0:11:42 > 0:11:45for their brand new TV series.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49And so began a relationship that would last for years.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- It was a plant. - Was it? I thought it was a pen.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56What's it going to grow into? A biro?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Don't you go, love. I have got enough with him.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06This is one of our secret appliances.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- What-what-what?- Secret appliances.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Funny you should say that.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13I've got a secret appliance.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Do you know that?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20I wrote off for it in a magazine.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Nobody is going to kick sand in my face any more.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Corpsing there convinced Ann she had blown her big chance.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39But Eric knew they had found a genuine talent.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41When she got the call to join them at the BBC,
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Ann vowed never to crack up during a sketch again.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Before filming, she would sit in her dressing room,
0:12:48 > 0:12:53convincing herself that she loathed Eric and Ernie. It worked.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56She kept a straight face for the entire series.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- Sir Eric!- Yes.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00What?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02What thinkest thou of my gown?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Did you get it off Golden Shot?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07LAUGHTER
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- Tell me you bring me news of Robin.- I most certainly do, Marian.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Then I implore you, impart it to me in haste.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Know you not that my uncle,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17the Sheriff of Nottingham, is at hand?
0:13:17 > 0:13:21- I fear for your life. - Tut-tut, tut-tut.
0:13:28 > 0:13:34- My dear chap.- He saved my life!
0:13:34 > 0:13:35SHE COUGHS
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Arsenal!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- I'm going.- Speak to me.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45You try and stop him.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Let me cradle his head in my lap.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- Don't move him!- You mind your own flaming business.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59At the end of the '60s, Eric and Ernie teamed up
0:13:59 > 0:14:01with a new writer who changed
0:14:01 > 0:14:05the duo's relationship with women for ever.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Eddie Braben shifted the balance of power, the chemistry worked,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11and a new era began.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20- I say.- Yes?- What a lovely little thing you are.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21Thank you.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24You are small, but I'll bet you are a beautiful little mover.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I know you're the spy.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32You must be a millionaire with all the secrets you've stolen.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- Not me. Nothing to do with me. - I love millionaires.
0:14:34 > 0:14:39- Get off!- Take me away with you, please!- What are you... Ern! Ern!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I suppose it must be quite overpowering for you...
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Quite overpowering for you to be face to...
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Face-to-face with an island that...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I wish you wouldn't keep doing that.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55You'll blow my socks off.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Braben gave Ernie a new role - the hopelessly deluded playwright
0:14:59 > 0:15:03who was to literature what Des O'Connor was to music.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04- It's a great play.- Do you like it?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07One of the best you have ever written. Full of suspense.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11- Worthy of Hitchcock.- Hitchcock? - Sorry to hear that.
0:15:11 > 0:15:17Here's his first victim - sorry, guest star - Juliet Mills.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- How do you like your tea? - In a cup, please.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23I get so awfully lonely
0:15:23 > 0:15:26when Hubert is away on his tour of duty.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30You have no idea just how lonely a woman like me can get.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32My hat!
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Crumpet?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37LAUGHTER
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- That must be the cue.- What?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49The little... Oh...
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- Yes. You only get those in Batley. - Yes.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53This time of the year.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Sorry about that.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05You were saying, Violet, old thing.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Oh, it's just that I'm left all alone for six months every year
0:16:09 > 0:16:11and I'm just like any other woman.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15You understand what it is I'm trying to say, don't you, Bunty?
0:16:17 > 0:16:23- Yes. And this evening...- Yes?- You must join me in a game of tennis.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- But I'm not a member.- Don't worry. I'll soon get you in the club.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- That must be it.- What?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I don't know what the cue is, you see. I'm waiting for the cue.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38In the club.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Oh, I honestly never thought that appearing on this show
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- would be as bad as this. - Oh, get away. You must have done.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47The format worked - Morecambe
0:16:47 > 0:16:51and Wise had found the perfect vehicle for their irreverence,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54and crucially, the power was back with the women.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57The French!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00The French! They're almost upon us!
0:17:03 > 0:17:06This is no place for a woman!
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Take this. I'm leaving.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- M'lady.- Yes, sir? - M'lady, I implore you to go below.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Are you going below? - Yes, it's his age.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20THUD
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I'm sorry. It's the ship's biscuits.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- M'lord, I fear for your life. - Fear? Fear?- Ho-ho!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- I know not the meaning of the word "fear".- Cowardice.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33He knows the meaning of that, don't you? You watch him, in a minute.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39For love of my country... For this England...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41You messed that one up again.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- For this England... - You can't do two things at once.
0:17:45 > 0:17:50..I will give my all, even if it be life itself. I...
0:17:50 > 0:17:52This isn't rubbish, you know?
0:17:52 > 0:17:53That makes a pleasant change.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- Horatio, show me your quarters. - Oh, she's off again!
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Now, Mr Disraeli, let us continue our discussion about the Suez Canal.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Have you had your treaty ratified?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Not only that, but they've drawn up my stipulations
0:18:08 > 0:18:11and inserted a proviso.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13It's a wonder I can walk at all.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Your Majesty, if you just sign there, please.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Your full name.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Victoria, Queen, Mrs.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- You're already married?- No, I've always been round-shouldered.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Say you will marry me and I'll show you where the pearls are.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Let's seal it with a kiss.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Psst! Psst! Psst!
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Psst! Psst! Psst! Psst!
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Don't panic, but I think you've sprung a leak.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Oh, Rupert! Don't you understand?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49I'm a woman, I need something more.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Those nights at the plantation with you beside me
0:18:52 > 0:18:55and I'm unable to sleep because of the throb of the native drums,
0:18:55 > 0:18:59filling my body with a strange passionate urgency.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03- Don't you understand that feeling? - Of course I understand.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I was the same when I had the mumps.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08I'm a woman, Charlie.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Not an ordinary woman, not a cold, empty woman, but a woman with fire
0:19:12 > 0:19:16in her blood, a fire that burns, a fire that rages,
0:19:16 > 0:19:19rages with a fierce heat of passion that a body can't stand much longer.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21HOWLS
0:19:21 > 0:19:23No longer can I stand the urge, the big urge...
0:19:23 > 0:19:25HOWLS
0:19:25 > 0:19:29..that hangs! Oh, Charlie, I've got the pangs...
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- HIGH PITCHED HOWLS - The urge!
0:19:33 > 0:19:37I've got the nagging nibbles and the gnawing pangs.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Who loves ya, baby?!
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I have never heard so much rubbish in all my life!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Oh, there's more to come.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- Your Majesty, have you taken leave of your senses?- What do you mean?
0:19:50 > 0:19:55- This man, Disraeli, is a fool! - I disagree.- But I am your consort.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- I know that.- He must go!- He stays!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- He goes!- He stays!
0:19:59 > 0:20:03- He goes!- He stays!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- All right, he can stay. - I can stay! I can stay!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- Gentlemen, this audience is finished.- Oh, rubbish.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14They're good for another ten minutes yet.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- Give us a kiss. - LOUD FOOTSTEPS
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- My father is coming. Quickly, you must hide!- Right.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Elizabeth, my dearest...
0:20:33 > 0:20:36How fairest bloom on the tree of life.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Oh, that's good stuff.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40That's not rubbish, you know that. That's good stuff, that.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Elizabeth, my dear,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46you are looking most distraught.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Is it any wonder that I should appear so, Father?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52You know how truly I love Robert and yet you forbid him
0:20:52 > 0:20:54the hospitality of our home.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57That's true, Ern.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59The man is a blaggard!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Him and his poetry!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03But I love him and he loves me!
0:21:03 > 0:21:04See?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Let me see that letter.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10No, never. This is a love poem from my dear Robert.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- I insist that you give me that letter! Give me that letter!- Argh!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- It's no good you screaming like that.- It wasn't her, you fool, it was me!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18You stood on my arm, then!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21At the time of shooting this,
0:21:21 > 0:21:26Diane Cilento was married to Sean Connery, who, legend has it,
0:21:26 > 0:21:31came along and sat quietly at the back of the studio, like a good boy.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33No-one realised he was there.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37And when Diane forgot her lines, the producer, John Ammonds,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40tore her off quite a strip.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Connery just smiled and said nothing.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- Are you Browning?- Yes!
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Because I'm standing too close to the fire!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I insist that you give me that letter!
0:21:58 > 0:22:03Take your hand...off that young lady's communication.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07I want to see what filth you have written to my daughter, sir.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10No, never, Father.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13These words of love are for my eyes alone.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16I'm not ashamed of the rubbish I write.
0:22:16 > 0:22:22I am very proud of my little love poem. As a matter of fact... Ooh.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26- As a matter of fact, I shall read it myself.- Robert, no!- Shut up!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Read it, sir!
0:22:34 > 0:22:38I sit alone and the firelight flickers...
0:22:42 > 0:22:45And I think of you...
0:22:45 > 0:22:47In your navy blue cardigan.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- How dare you, sir! - I said "cardigan"!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- I said "cardigan", didn't I? - Get out of this house!
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Of course, Eric also contributed to Ernie's plays,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01mainly in limerick form.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05Sadly, he hardly ever made it to the end.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07She's known as Nell down in Camberwell
0:23:07 > 0:23:10With a trader she haggles and bickers
0:23:10 > 0:23:12But she doesn't care if she sees me down there
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- Cos I get a flash of her... - Sire.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- And I am Ern.- Little Ern.- A sailor bold. I live on hard tack and rum.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21I've got two gold stripes around my sleeve.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23And two more on his... Hello, how are you?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26There was a young lady from Reading
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Who saw something move in the bedding
0:23:29 > 0:23:32She didn't half jump when she saw this big lump
0:23:32 > 0:23:33- and...- How dare you?! Get out of here.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35You should be ashamed of yourself.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38The Queen and I are just good friends
0:23:38 > 0:23:40You may have heard some rumours
0:23:42 > 0:23:46- I've seen her on a windy day But I've never seen her...- Stop.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Having started their careers in variety, Eric
0:23:50 > 0:23:53and Ernie often asked their fellow acts to appear on their shows.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58The landladies of some of the theatrical digs operated
0:23:58 > 0:24:00a sort of showbiz apartheid.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Variety performers on one side of the house,
0:24:03 > 0:24:05legitimate actors on the other.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08I know. I stayed at Mrs Mackay's.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Legitimate, or proper actor, Dame Flora Robson,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13was having none of this.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17And when she clocked Morecambe and Wise over the bacon and eggs
0:24:17 > 0:24:20one morning, she went straight over to join them.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22They stayed friends for years.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25And the boys eventually repaid the compliment
0:24:25 > 0:24:27by making a complete fool of her on the show.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Your Majesty, we are on the verge of a catastrophic war.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33This is no place for a third class writer of rubbish.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- Ern, it's quite good up to now. - I mean your poetry.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40My dear Sir Walter. I must insist that you control yourself.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43May I defend myself once again by reading you a poem, Your Majesty?
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Of course.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- Have you got the scrolls? - I didn't think you'd notice.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02May I, Your Majesty, take the weight off my sonnets?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Your Majesty, this is no time for poetry.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09- Sir Walter, there is always time for the written word.- That's true, love.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Please, Mr Shakespeare.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15I'm very sorry, Your Majesty.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17It's too late now, Ern, don't worry about it.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Get off my cloak!
0:25:20 > 0:25:25- Just hold the end there, will you? I've written this for you.- Ah!
0:25:25 > 0:25:30- When I consider...everything that grows...- How beautiful.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33A tree, a flower
0:25:33 > 0:25:35The corns on your toes...
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Corns on your toes?
0:25:37 > 0:25:41How dare you say such things in front of high-up people!
0:25:43 > 0:25:47- At least I paid to get in. - What do you mean, paid to get in?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Just because you're Raleigh and invented the bike,
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- you think you know everything. - That's rubbish.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Please, arise, Sir Walter.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00What does she think I am, a midget or something?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02- She's staring at me all the time. - Why not?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Your face looks like a slashed cinema seat.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09It would appear that I was misguided in thinking that
0:26:09 > 0:26:11you would be of help to me in these difficult times.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15- Sorry, Your Majesty.- I'm very sorry, Your Majesty.- Arise, Sir Walter.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19I am risen. What's she going on and on about that for?
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Let us try and deal with the more immediate problem of Spain
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- and in particular the evil Philip. - Yes.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Your Majesty, I have a little poser.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Well, can't fight nature, Ern.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Now that's enough. Shut up!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37What are you going to do about King Philip of Spain?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Oh, King Philip of Spain, let the Spanish fleet take to the sea,
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- I don't care.- But you need men. Have you got the chaps?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Yes, it's the knicker on this inside.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- Sonia's revenge, we call it. - And why not?
0:26:49 > 0:26:53I have decided that if it would prevent war,
0:26:53 > 0:26:57this marriage, much as I dislike it, will take place.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Your Majesty, I am deeply moved...
0:27:06 > 0:27:08that your love...
0:27:08 > 0:27:14of this land and its people should make you make such a sacrifice.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18ERIC SNORES
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- And that goes double for me, Your Majesty.- Yes.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Dame Flora said she was delighted to receive the call
0:27:30 > 0:27:31to appear on the show
0:27:31 > 0:27:36because it reminded her management she was still alive.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38My management got their reminder in 1977.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43At the time, The Good Life was a huge success, but being asked
0:27:43 > 0:27:48to appear in one of Ernie's little plays was every actress's dream.
0:27:48 > 0:27:54Would I play the part of Roxanne in Cyrano De Bergerac? Would I!
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Come in.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57KNOCKING
0:28:01 > 0:28:04- Mademoiselle Roxanne. - How very quaint.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06This one is already on his knees.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10The meter is under the stairs.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12I've not come to read the meter, Mademoiselle,
0:28:12 > 0:28:14remember I was at the theatre last night?
0:28:14 > 0:28:17- Oh, yes, I remember you. - Ah, she remembers me!
0:28:17 > 0:28:22- Mademoiselle, I don't know how to say I love you.- Aha!- Try.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24I love Roxanne.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27- If you love your life...- You won't, I haven't finished with it yet.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29All right, you wouldn't say that
0:28:29 > 0:28:33- if my friend Cyrano de Bergerac was here.- Is he coming here?
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Yes, he's the greatest swordsman in all of Paris and France.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38And he has the biggest hooter.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41- Why's the silly creature coming here?- I don't know,
0:28:41 > 0:28:44but I can hear him. Yes, here he comes now, Cyrano de Bergerac.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Evening, all, sorry I'm late,
0:29:08 > 0:29:11but I've just been to the optician's and he said he couldn't see me.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30Roxanne.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33- As beautiful as ever. - Thank you very much.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35- She's there. - Has this accident been reported?
0:29:37 > 0:29:39Madame, you are beautiful.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46Just how did your nose get so long?
0:29:46 > 0:29:49It was when my nanny used to lift me out of the bath.
0:29:52 > 0:29:53It could have been worse.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01Or better.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Roxanne... I love you.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08Roxanne, I love you.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11I love you, Roxanne. But alas, you are only a child.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15On my last birthday cake, there were 21 candles, weren't there, Cyrano?
0:30:15 > 0:30:17There was on my slice.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20You bounder!
0:30:20 > 0:30:22It's the way he tells them.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25Perhaps you would like to feel the edge of my blade.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27I am ready when you are, Mr Wilkinson.
0:30:29 > 0:30:30You long-nosed fool.
0:30:30 > 0:30:34Nobody calls me a long-nosed fool and gets away with it.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36I wouldn't let him insult your great big conk.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39Nobody insults my...this and gets away with it.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43- No-one makes nasty remarks about his big snitch.- Yes. It's not nice.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45- You must have satisfaction. - You are very kind,
0:30:45 > 0:30:47but let me deal with this fellow first.
0:30:47 > 0:30:51- En garde.- I'll deal with this nancy boy first.- Ha-ha-ha!- Ha-ha-ha!
0:30:51 > 0:30:53It's the way he walks.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57Ha-ha, you coward!
0:30:57 > 0:30:58En garde!
0:31:01 > 0:31:03Thrust, parry. Thrust, parry.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05Laurel, Hardy. Little and Large.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09Oh!
0:31:10 > 0:31:11Oh!
0:31:12 > 0:31:17- Is he dead?- No, he always looks like that.- Oh, excuse me!
0:31:17 > 0:31:19- Certainly, what have you done?- Oh!
0:31:23 > 0:31:27- Mademoiselle, I throw myself at your feet.- I should like that.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29It's not fair, he'll be there before me.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34- Are you looking at my legs? - No, I'm above that.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42Mademoiselle, everything I have is yours.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45Would you like to buy a magnifying glass?
0:31:47 > 0:31:50Where did you get those big, beautiful, brown eyes?
0:31:50 > 0:31:54- They came with the face.- It's a beautiful perfume, what is it?
0:31:54 > 0:31:57- Expensive, £20 an ounce. - Really, smell that.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59- What's that?- Gravy, 20p a gallon.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03Oh!
0:32:05 > 0:32:09I want a man who is as strong as a lion, extremely handsome
0:32:09 > 0:32:12and as wise as Solomon.
0:32:12 > 0:32:13Lucky we met.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19If I married you, what would happen when I reached 40?
0:32:19 > 0:32:21I'd change you for two 20s.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Would you like a little drink?
0:32:23 > 0:32:25That's very kind, I'll help myself to a lager.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30I found it very hard to keep a straight face
0:32:30 > 0:32:33when Eric pretended that I'd goosed him.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36But as you can see, I wasn't his only victim.
0:32:43 > 0:32:44Thank you.
0:32:50 > 0:32:51Come on.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55Hey! They're all at it.
0:32:55 > 0:32:59As the years went on, audiences grew ever larger,
0:32:59 > 0:33:01and the names got bigger.
0:33:01 > 0:33:05Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Vanilla Red-nose.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08The Duke of Wellington at your service, sir.
0:33:08 > 0:33:09Napoleon Bonaparte at your...
0:33:21 > 0:33:24I hope you realise that tent pole is loose.
0:33:24 > 0:33:28How dare you, sir! That tent pole happens to be
0:33:28 > 0:33:29the Empress Josephine.
0:33:31 > 0:33:36- Tell him who you are.- I am indeed the Empress Josephine of France...
0:33:36 > 0:33:39But what are you doing up the front?
0:33:39 > 0:33:42Not that it matters, it suits you.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45The Emperor wishes to discuss the Battle of Waterloo.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48A strange name for a battle, don't you feel?
0:33:48 > 0:33:52- I've had no water and I certainly couldn't find...- How dare you!
0:33:52 > 0:33:55- Boney, my darling.- He's over there, he slipped.- Boney, my darling.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00- Not tonight, Josephine. - What does he mean by that?
0:34:00 > 0:34:02- It is of little consequence. - I'll second that.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06What do you think of it so far?
0:34:06 > 0:34:07Rubbish.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14Come, let us sit down over here.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23Let us sit down over here and talk over the terms of surrender.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27- I will take everything down. - That's good for a few laughs.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33You've been giving him too much millet.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37Have you got the scrolls?
0:34:37 > 0:34:39No, I always walk like this.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48- This meeting is now in session. - Oh, yes.
0:34:48 > 0:34:49Ow!
0:34:51 > 0:34:54- Let's get to the point right away. - I object.- To what?
0:34:54 > 0:34:58- You, you've got your hand on my knee.- A nasty habit.- Silence!
0:34:58 > 0:35:01- Ow!- These terms are a bit one-sided.
0:35:01 > 0:35:02I should say they are.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05Are you prepared to ratify my proposals?
0:35:05 > 0:35:08I certainly am, put them on the table and pass me that mallet.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11- You want everything your own way. - Oh, you've heard.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14Everything your own way. I will have nothing to do with these documents, sir.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17- Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles, sweetheart.- Oh, yes?
0:35:17 > 0:35:20What will happen to Napoleon if he accepts the surrender terms?
0:35:20 > 0:35:23I'll tell you what happens to Napoleon if he accepts the surrender terms.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27He will be dragged out by the dragoons.
0:35:29 > 0:35:30Not a pretty sight.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33I wouldn't look if I were you, it would put you off your dinner.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36- I've never heard anything so terrible.- Oh, you must have done.
0:35:36 > 0:35:40What about Max Bygraves singing Deck Of Cards? That takes some beating.
0:35:42 > 0:35:43During rehearsals,
0:35:43 > 0:35:47Miss Redgrave would stand outside the BBC Television Centre
0:35:47 > 0:35:52selling copies of the Morning Star, the communist newspaper. As you do.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55One morning, she tried to flog Eric and Ernie a copy.
0:35:55 > 0:35:59"No thanks, love," they said. "We're capitalists."
0:35:59 > 0:36:03- I must be leaving now. This is terrible, you know.- Yes.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06- Yes, I'm not feeling myself. - It looks as if you are.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12- I'll see you later at the Regal. - OK. Outside?- Yes.
0:36:12 > 0:36:16- And don't forget your promise.- I say, you'll find me in the anteroom.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19Give her my love.
0:36:19 > 0:36:24- We are alone.- I'm ready when you are, pally.- Poor Napoleon.- Oh, yeah.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26He's been through a very bad time.
0:36:26 > 0:36:29Ever since his retreat from Moscow, he's been very cold towards me.
0:36:29 > 0:36:33Well, with all that deep snow and those short legs, say no more.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40Nudge nudge. Think think.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42Over there. Would, er...
0:36:44 > 0:36:47- Would you care for something to warm you up?- I would very much.
0:36:47 > 0:36:51Well, I think I've got a packet of extra strong mints in my greatcoat.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53- I think not.- Oh, no.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56- Welly?- Yes?- Napoleon has been so engrossed in his battle
0:36:56 > 0:36:58that he's tended to neglect me.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00- Oh.- I am a woman.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02Have you told him?
0:37:03 > 0:37:04I like you.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11Midnight In Paris.
0:37:12 > 0:37:142.15 in Darlington.
0:37:16 > 0:37:21What really lifted Ernie's plays into the realm of great art
0:37:21 > 0:37:23was his gift for dialogue.
0:37:23 > 0:37:27Language was freed from the mundane constraints of grammar
0:37:27 > 0:37:31and set free on wings of nonsense.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33I know that he has it in him to be a great journalist.
0:37:33 > 0:37:38His reports will silence the tongues of them what mock you.
0:37:38 > 0:37:44This country is a democracy and he is the one what was elected.
0:37:44 > 0:37:49How brave they are. They are not afraid, like what I am.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52I am a young woman, I need
0:37:52 > 0:37:56the love of a man who burns within.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58Like what I do.
0:38:00 > 0:38:04In 1976, Michelle Dotrice was a household name as Betty,
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Frank Spencer's long-suffering
0:38:06 > 0:38:09and faithful wife in Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em.
0:38:09 > 0:38:15Here, Eddie Braben and the boys brilliantly cast her against type
0:38:15 > 0:38:17as a predatory Lady Chatterley character
0:38:17 > 0:38:20in The Handyman And Milady.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Ah, Romeo!
0:38:25 > 0:38:29Ah, there you are, Constance, my dear.
0:38:40 > 0:38:46- Has the new handyman arrived yet? - You have a new handyman?- Yes.
0:38:48 > 0:38:52I nearly fell over then. Yes, a chap called Smellors.
0:38:52 > 0:38:58- Oh, I do hope he's handsome, masculine and virile.- Yes.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07Evening, all. I'm sorry I'm late.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09But I was loading the gun dog.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11It went off in my hand.
0:39:13 > 0:39:14Good Lord!
0:39:14 > 0:39:17That bus must have been going at a hell of a lick
0:39:17 > 0:39:19when it ran over your cat, sir.
0:39:20 > 0:39:25- How do you do, sir? How do you do?- How do I do what?
0:39:25 > 0:39:30- What an attractive man. Please. - Yes.- Please, do sit down.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32Certainly I will. Thank you.
0:39:34 > 0:39:38- What did you say your name was? - Smellors.
0:39:39 > 0:39:42I want you.
0:39:44 > 0:39:48I want you to meet me outside the French windows in five minutes.
0:39:48 > 0:39:52- Five minutes by the French windows? - Yes, and bring some transport.- Yes.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54But before you go...
0:39:59 > 0:40:01Well...
0:40:01 > 0:40:02I've just lost a back stud!
0:40:03 > 0:40:07- That's just for starters. - I can't wait for dessert!
0:40:10 > 0:40:14- Which is the way out?- This way. - Never mind, this will do.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23Ahhh...
0:40:23 > 0:40:26Would you like to do what we always like to do after a sherry?
0:40:26 > 0:40:28Oh, what's that?
0:40:28 > 0:40:30Accompany ourselves on the piano.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Psst!
0:40:35 > 0:40:39- Play the long introduction. - Right.
0:40:53 > 0:40:57# ..Yoooo-ooo-oouuu...
0:40:57 > 0:41:02# I will answer tooo-ooo-ooo... #
0:41:02 > 0:41:06Dame Judi Dench was another star who got the inevitable call.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09Her Jekyll and Hyde sketch is a classic,
0:41:09 > 0:41:12but her fondest memory of the recording
0:41:12 > 0:41:15was Eric teaching her to do this.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19BAG SNAPS
0:41:20 > 0:41:24Oh, what a day! What a wonderful day!
0:41:24 > 0:41:28First of all I went to Harrods and sorted out a couple of nightdresses.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31Then I went to Selfridge's and sorted out a couple of hats.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33Then I went to the Army & Navy Stores
0:41:33 > 0:41:35and sorted out a couple of soldiers.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38Then I went to Harvey Nichols.
0:41:38 > 0:41:40I asked the manager if I could try on a dress in a window.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43He said, "Yes, it could be good for business."
0:41:45 > 0:41:47Then I cycled home naked on a penny-farthing.
0:41:47 > 0:41:48That's cheap!
0:41:50 > 0:41:54- What have you been doing today, my dear?- I thought you'd never ask.
0:41:54 > 0:41:59Look, Henry. Look what I bought for our honeymoon.
0:41:59 > 0:42:00- Isn't it beautiful?- Very pretty.
0:42:00 > 0:42:03Did you get one for yourself as well?
0:42:03 > 0:42:07I'm sorry, my dear. I'm sorry, but you must leave immediately.
0:42:07 > 0:42:11You see, what you don't realise is, I'm on the verge of getting it.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14Well, if you're on the verge of getting it, why do you want me to leave?
0:42:14 > 0:42:18Please. Please, you must leave immediately.
0:42:19 > 0:42:20See you at supper.
0:42:26 > 0:42:28Now to put my theory to the test.
0:42:34 > 0:42:36Be brave, Dr Jekyll.
0:42:36 > 0:42:39Who knows ought of honour who only knows ought of...honour
0:42:39 > 0:42:42who...only knows ought of...honour...?
0:42:42 > 0:42:44Cheers!
0:42:53 > 0:42:56Unnngh...
0:42:56 > 0:42:58Nnnnggghh!
0:43:13 > 0:43:16HE SNARLS
0:43:19 > 0:43:21Now, THERE'S a novelty!
0:43:26 > 0:43:29It worked! It worked!
0:43:34 > 0:43:36Who's a pretty boy, then?
0:43:38 > 0:43:41My head is full of horror, my veins are full of villainy.
0:43:41 > 0:43:44And there's badness in the balls of my feet.
0:43:45 > 0:43:47Tonight, I shall go, ladies and gentlemen,
0:43:47 > 0:43:51on an unbridled lust tour.
0:43:53 > 0:43:56I shall probably end up in a Wimpy Bar.
0:43:56 > 0:44:00There must be plenty of haunts in London where I could hide.
0:44:00 > 0:44:02HE GASPS
0:44:02 > 0:44:03Where I can hide...!
0:44:04 > 0:44:06That's what I shall call myself...
0:44:06 > 0:44:08Mr Where I Can.
0:44:15 > 0:44:17Henry?
0:44:18 > 0:44:21- Henry, where are you? - DR JEKYLL: Ohhh!
0:44:22 > 0:44:25Henry, where are you? Sorry.
0:44:26 > 0:44:29Oh, here's my sherry. Cheers.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32Ah!
0:44:32 > 0:44:34I wonder...
0:44:34 > 0:44:37- COCKNEY ACCENT:- ..where 'Enry is.
0:44:37 > 0:44:39MUSIC: "The Stripper"
0:44:47 > 0:44:52Our next leading lady made over 30 appearances with Morecambe and Wise.
0:44:52 > 0:44:55Between 1969 and 1972,
0:44:55 > 0:44:59she was one of the most famous faces in the land.
0:44:59 > 0:45:02But few people then or now know her name.
0:45:02 > 0:45:05Here's one of her early appearances.
0:45:05 > 0:45:08- We've got some birds coming along. - What did you say?
0:45:08 > 0:45:11- We've got some birds coming.- Birds? - Yeah.- Bring them on, then!
0:45:11 > 0:45:12What are you waiting for?
0:45:14 > 0:45:17- Oh, I like yours, Dickie!- Thank you.- Very good.
0:45:17 > 0:45:19You haven't done bad either!
0:45:33 > 0:45:35Could I have a word with the men?
0:45:38 > 0:45:42There's a slight discrepancy in the number of girls.
0:45:42 > 0:45:44- I've got one.- I've got one.
0:45:44 > 0:45:47Yeah, you've got one and you've got one.
0:45:47 > 0:45:48I've got TWO!
0:45:51 > 0:45:54Her name was Janet Webb.
0:45:54 > 0:45:57She'd already had some success as an actress
0:45:57 > 0:46:00and she smartly used her role on the Morecambe and Wise Show
0:46:00 > 0:46:03to get as much attention as she could.
0:46:04 > 0:46:07We recently unearthed this letter from Janet urging
0:46:07 > 0:46:10BBC producer Albert Stevenson to watch her on the show.
0:46:12 > 0:46:15"March 17, 1964.
0:46:15 > 0:46:20"Dear Albert, I hope you don't mind me writing to you again.
0:46:20 > 0:46:21"I have done quite a few
0:46:21 > 0:46:25"Morecambe and Wise shows for the series not yet seen.
0:46:25 > 0:46:27"I'm afraid the producer doesn't know what dates
0:46:27 > 0:46:30"they will be released on, except one.
0:46:30 > 0:46:35"This he is sure of - April 25th at 8.25.
0:46:35 > 0:46:38"Perhaps if you are near a set on this date, you could
0:46:38 > 0:46:40"kindly watch me and maybe,
0:46:40 > 0:46:43"in one of your future shows, you could use me.
0:46:43 > 0:46:47"Yours sincerely, Janet Vorzanger.
0:46:47 > 0:46:50(professional name - Janet Webb)"
0:46:50 > 0:46:53Here's the show she was talking about.
0:46:53 > 0:46:57There are evil thoughts in this room.
0:47:03 > 0:47:04Ninepence!
0:47:05 > 0:47:09We must be very careful when Deidre goes under.
0:47:09 > 0:47:12You're going under, love. I think she's under NOW.
0:47:12 > 0:47:14- She will not be herself.- No.
0:47:14 > 0:47:17She will not be able to control her actions.
0:47:17 > 0:47:18Really?
0:47:19 > 0:47:23- We must not disturb her. - Sorry, I thought you'd finished.
0:47:23 > 0:47:24That's why I...
0:47:27 > 0:47:32- You're doing a good job, love. - Sleep... Sleep...
0:47:32 > 0:47:35Sleep...
0:47:35 > 0:47:38Now tell me... Is there anybody there?
0:47:38 > 0:47:40Yes...
0:47:41 > 0:47:45- Oh, stop it!- No, it is him! He is a contact.
0:47:45 > 0:47:50- He's only pulling your leg, madam. - Tell me, are you in touch?
0:47:52 > 0:47:54Nearly.
0:47:55 > 0:47:58She eventually became known to millions
0:47:58 > 0:48:01simply as the lady who comes on at the end.
0:48:01 > 0:48:04BAND PLAYS: "Bring Me Sunshine"
0:48:13 > 0:48:18To begin with, Janet didn't speak. She just blew kisses and bowed.
0:48:18 > 0:48:21But over the years the joke developed and became
0:48:21 > 0:48:26a speaking role in which she would say the exact same line every time.
0:48:26 > 0:48:28- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Thank you!
0:48:28 > 0:48:30Thank you!
0:48:34 > 0:48:35Thank you, thank you!
0:48:36 > 0:48:38Thank you, everybody! Thank you.
0:48:38 > 0:48:40Thank you.
0:48:41 > 0:48:43I'd like to thank all of you
0:48:43 > 0:48:47for watching me and my little show here tonight.
0:48:47 > 0:48:51If you've enjoyed it, then it's all been worthwhile.
0:48:51 > 0:48:53So until we meet again, good night
0:48:53 > 0:48:55and I love you all!
0:49:00 > 0:49:04Perhaps the most famous of all the plays what Ernie wrote
0:49:04 > 0:49:08was Cleopatra, starring the great Glenda Jackson.
0:49:08 > 0:49:10She was a huge star at the time.
0:49:10 > 0:49:14Glenda was known as a serious actress, very serious.
0:49:14 > 0:49:18Which made casting her all the more fun, naturally.
0:49:18 > 0:49:21Before filming this sketch she asked Eric for tips on performing comedy.
0:49:21 > 0:49:26His advice was simple - speak louder and faster.
0:49:26 > 0:49:28And boy, did it work!
0:49:28 > 0:49:31Tell me, sir, what is your mission here?
0:49:31 > 0:49:34I've been sent from Rome by Julius and Caesar.
0:49:34 > 0:49:36- Julius AND Caesar? - Yes, I'm afraid so.
0:49:36 > 0:49:38He had a terrible accident while polishing his sword.
0:49:40 > 0:49:44Am I right in assuming your sole purpose here is to spy on me?
0:49:44 > 0:49:47- Is there anything to spy on? - Meaning?
0:49:47 > 0:49:49You and the little fella here.
0:49:49 > 0:49:53A touch of the "Hello, folks, and what about the workers?" every now and again.
0:49:53 > 0:49:56How dare you suggest a touch of the "Hello, folks, and what about the workers?"
0:49:56 > 0:49:58- Every now and again. - Every now and again.
0:49:58 > 0:50:02- You should be ashamed of yourself! There's nothing going on.- What are you doing here, then?
0:50:02 > 0:50:06- I came to see if the Queen has got everything.- And has she?- Yes! You've looked?- No!
0:50:06 > 0:50:10- How dare you?! - Well, why are his legs blushing?- Oh!
0:50:10 > 0:50:13- Psst!- Eh? What?
0:50:17 > 0:50:19Don't let him frighten you.
0:50:19 > 0:50:21Yes, but if he tells Julius Caesar about you and I, you know,
0:50:21 > 0:50:24with the "Hello, folks, and what about the workers?"
0:50:24 > 0:50:27I'll lose me pension and me gold watch.
0:50:27 > 0:50:29All men are fools and what makes them so
0:50:29 > 0:50:32is having beauty like what I have got.
0:50:32 > 0:50:34You're right, you're right.
0:50:40 > 0:50:43- You have a plan? - Leave me alone with him.
0:50:49 > 0:50:54- Leave me alone with him for five minutes.- Five minutes?- Five minutes.
0:50:58 > 0:51:03I will incriminate him and then we need fear nothing he may do.
0:51:03 > 0:51:07Please! He is a soldier of Rome. It is impossible to incriminate him.
0:51:07 > 0:51:11- Leave me alone with him! - OK, just as you say, Cleo.
0:51:11 > 0:51:13What do you think of it so far?
0:51:13 > 0:51:14Rubbish!
0:51:21 > 0:51:24- Noble sir...- Thank you.- Can I do something for you?
0:51:24 > 0:51:27- Can I attend to your camel? - Please do, you'll find it outside.
0:51:27 > 0:51:30- You can't miss it, it looks like a horse with an airlock.- Right.
0:51:30 > 0:51:33Put this on the hump in case it freezes tonight.
0:51:33 > 0:51:36Bye-bye, Cleo.
0:51:36 > 0:51:38- A magnificent beast. - The camel?
0:51:38 > 0:51:39No, Ern.
0:51:39 > 0:51:43Eric's advice gave us more than just that sketch.
0:51:43 > 0:51:48Famously, Hollywood producer Melvin Frank saw Glenda on the show
0:51:48 > 0:51:51and, realising she could do comedy,
0:51:51 > 0:51:54offered her the lead in A Touch Of Class.
0:51:54 > 0:51:58Her performance won her the Oscar for Best Actress in 1973.
0:51:58 > 0:52:00Cheers, Eric!
0:52:00 > 0:52:02Yours, I think.
0:52:08 > 0:52:11- How do you like me stroking your hair?- It's marvellous, it really is.
0:52:11 > 0:52:15But don't overdo it. I've only got eight and six of those are Ern's.
0:52:15 > 0:52:17Psst!
0:52:19 > 0:52:23Don't forget to put the sleeking kowder...the sleeking kowder...
0:52:24 > 0:52:27- ..in his kocolate. - I geg your gardon?
0:52:30 > 0:52:33- The sleeking kowder... - The sleeking kowder!
0:52:33 > 0:52:36- In his kocolate!- In his kocolate!
0:52:36 > 0:52:38- Sleeking kowder?- Yes!
0:52:38 > 0:52:40We can sling him in the Nile.
0:52:40 > 0:52:41Ah!
0:52:45 > 0:52:48- Another drink?- A gottle of geer, if you have it!
0:52:55 > 0:52:57Thank you.
0:52:59 > 0:53:01I...
0:53:01 > 0:53:02HE SNORES
0:53:02 > 0:53:06- Very powerful stuff. Very potent. - When did you last see a woman?
0:53:06 > 0:53:08I've forgotten, sir.
0:53:10 > 0:53:12It's no good trying to fight me.
0:53:12 > 0:53:16Your little heart is pounding like a whippet in a bowler hat.
0:53:17 > 0:53:22- But you're in love with...Mark Antony.- Me...and Mark Antony?!
0:53:22 > 0:53:26- YES! - Don't mention that man's name to me!
0:53:26 > 0:53:30- I can't stand the sight of him! - Wait a minute! I heard that!
0:53:30 > 0:53:33I'm Mark Antony. It's time for me to act!
0:53:33 > 0:53:35That'll be the day.
0:53:35 > 0:53:39- You love the Queen. - I loved her once.- Once?
0:53:39 > 0:53:42You told me you were a centurion. You're all talk, you are!
0:53:44 > 0:53:47Mark Antony, you have been and always will be a fool!
0:53:47 > 0:53:51You are treating me as a big prawn! ERIC CHUCKLES
0:53:51 > 0:53:54Well, you can't fight nature!
0:53:54 > 0:53:55- I love you!- Of course you do!
0:53:55 > 0:53:57- I want you to take me with you to Rome.- She lies!
0:53:57 > 0:54:00- She lies!- What an actor! - She thinks all men are fools and what makes them so
0:54:00 > 0:54:03is having beauty like what she has got.
0:54:03 > 0:54:05- My Queen.- What is it, Desdemona?
0:54:05 > 0:54:07Looks more like Des O'Connor.
0:54:08 > 0:54:12- Go on.- My Queen, terrible news from abroad.
0:54:12 > 0:54:14- They want the Oscar back. - They want it back.
0:54:16 > 0:54:18- Speak, Desdemona!- Speak!
0:54:18 > 0:54:22If you go to Rome with that man, you will surely die.
0:54:22 > 0:54:25- Is this true?- As sure as the sun rises above the Co-op in Cairo.
0:54:27 > 0:54:30- Who are you?- Who am I? I'll tell you whom I am.
0:54:30 > 0:54:34I am Octavian Caesar, nephew of Julius Caesar,
0:54:34 > 0:54:37ruler of the world and certain parts of Birkenhead.
0:54:39 > 0:54:42- Julius and Caesar's nephew? - Yes.- I don't believe it.
0:54:42 > 0:54:44Now do you see why he wants you to go with him?
0:54:44 > 0:54:46You said that without moving your lips.
0:54:46 > 0:54:49- As his prisoners! - She can do it as well!
0:54:51 > 0:54:55- To face Julius and Caesar is certain death!- That's true.
0:54:55 > 0:54:58Certain death! No, please!
0:54:58 > 0:55:01- Get off!- Please, please! I don't want to be slewed!
0:55:01 > 0:55:03Please!
0:55:03 > 0:55:06Don't throw me to the lions. They won't like me, I'm all gristle.
0:55:06 > 0:55:09- But you have made love to the Queen! - It was nothing!
0:55:09 > 0:55:10I can believe that.
0:55:12 > 0:55:15Then you intend seeing this through to the bitter end?
0:55:15 > 0:55:19- Well, we might as well, we've all learnt the words, haven't we? - We've learnt the words!
0:55:19 > 0:55:21- How do you feel about it? - Yeah, we'll carry on.
0:55:21 > 0:55:23- See how it goes. - I have one final request.
0:55:23 > 0:55:26- Well, hurry up, cos you are running a bit late.- A final request?
0:55:26 > 0:55:28If I am to die, let it be by my own hand.
0:55:28 > 0:55:30- NO!- A fine actor, that boy.
0:55:32 > 0:55:33Fetch me the asp!
0:55:36 > 0:55:39- That's a poisonous snake! - Is it?- Yes!
0:55:39 > 0:55:41- There's an asp in that! - Yeah, there is!
0:55:41 > 0:55:44Would you hold the basket while I remove the lid?
0:55:44 > 0:55:45Certainly.
0:55:46 > 0:55:50This deadly serpent will put an end to my misery by biting me
0:55:50 > 0:55:52on the breast!
0:56:01 > 0:56:03- Could I have a word with you, please?- Yes.
0:56:04 > 0:56:06- Is that official? - Yes, it's all in the play.
0:56:06 > 0:56:09- The snake comes out of the basket and bites her on the breast.- Fine.
0:56:09 > 0:56:12- End it for me now! - Ready when you are, pally!
0:56:22 > 0:56:25- What are you doing? - I'm warming up the snake!- D'oh!
0:56:25 > 0:56:28- You're disgusting, you are! - Of course I am, you fool!
0:56:28 > 0:56:31- Put me out of my misery!- All right, he's been asleep for three months.
0:56:31 > 0:56:34You've been in a sling, haven't you?
0:56:34 > 0:56:38Don't forget your promise. And look at me when I'm talking to you.
0:56:38 > 0:56:42- Go on, enjoy yourself, it's your birthday. Ready!- Ready!- It missed!
0:56:42 > 0:56:46- Again!- Agh!- She's too quick for me. - Aaagh!- Pardon?- Aaagh!
0:56:46 > 0:56:50- Oh, my God. I'm sorry. - Aaaagh! Ohhh...
0:56:50 > 0:56:52- Is she dead?- Yes, she's dead.
0:56:52 > 0:56:55I'm going to do something now I've never done to a lady on television before.
0:56:55 > 0:56:58- What are you going to do? - I'm going to pinch her Oscar.
0:56:59 > 0:57:02Well, sadly, that's all we have time for.
0:57:02 > 0:57:06Despite his obvious talents as a historical dramatist,
0:57:06 > 0:57:09it's not little Ern's plays
0:57:09 > 0:57:12that have gone down in history, but their stars.
0:57:12 > 0:57:15Nowadays, seeing celebrities treated with that sort of irreverence
0:57:15 > 0:57:20is commonplace, but in the '60s and '70s it was still
0:57:20 > 0:57:24thrillingly new, for the performers as much as the audience.
0:57:24 > 0:57:30A new level of superstardom found its match in a new level of mockery.
0:57:30 > 0:57:33I think I speak on behalf of all Eric and Ernie's leading ladies
0:57:33 > 0:57:38when I say, yes, there was Redford, Newman and McQueen
0:57:38 > 0:57:40but, when it came to leading men,
0:57:40 > 0:57:44no-one did it quite like Eric and Ern.
0:57:44 > 0:57:47Good night, and I love you all!
0:58:07 > 0:58:09HE BREAKS WIND