0:00:02 > 0:00:04Ladies and gentlemen, when I tell you who our next guest star is,
0:00:04 > 0:00:06you'll know why she's one of the most
0:00:06 > 0:00:08popular actresses on television today.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Here she is, that star of television, your friend and mine -
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Miss Penelope Keith. APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Penelope, I must say, it's really great to have you on the show.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29We're thrilled, aren't we, Eric? It really is marvellous.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31- LAUGHTER - Thank you very much, Kermit.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33LAUGHTER
0:00:33 > 0:00:35APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:38It's like being on the puppet show.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Muppet.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44No, dear, puppet.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Eric Morecambe...
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Ernie Wise...
0:01:21 > 0:01:23..and those curtains.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27LAUGHTER
0:01:30 > 0:01:32They were more than just a prop,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35they were almost a character in their own right.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Anything could emerge from behind them.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Let's give a big, warm welcome to Rosie Morecambe.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:54And then you've got to learn...
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Ladies and gentlemen!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Ladies and gentlemen, it can't be!
0:01:58 > 0:02:02- Try that.- Try that? - Yeah, go on, try that.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Just once more, that's all, son! Just once more!
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Don't hurt him! Don't hurt him!
0:02:06 > 0:02:08What's this?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- It's a gimmick.- Is this a gimmick?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- (A sensation.)- Is it really?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14(Oh, this must be good.)
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- I've got to see this.- You watch this. Have you got a drum roll?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- You want me to give you one? - A small one.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- HE IMITATES DRUM - Not too much, I might like it.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23(Right.)
0:02:23 > 0:02:25HE GRUNTS
0:02:25 > 0:02:27LAUGHTER
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- Amazing.- Eh?- I'm amazed.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36That is sensational.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Welcome to tonight's show, which looks at Morecambe and Wise
0:02:40 > 0:02:44and those pieces of cloth that hung down behind them.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49In the 1970s, those tan drapes were synonymous with great comedy
0:02:49 > 0:02:51and, as a bonus, they meant Eric and Ernie
0:02:51 > 0:02:54could use their old variety material.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57They were entirely superfluous, really. Think about it.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02You don't need curtains and a stage in a television studio,
0:03:02 > 0:03:05but Eric and Ernie had insisted on them and it worked.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10The ladies and gentlemen have come here to be entertained.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- Here?- Yeah.- What for?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- Tell them all about the show.- Have we got a show for you tonight, folks.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- Have we got a show for you tonight. - HE LAUGHS
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- Hey?- What? - Have we got a show for them tonight?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Of course we have!
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Suddenly, we weren't in a vast, soulless studio,
0:03:28 > 0:03:32we were in a variety theatre, a music hall, front row stalls,
0:03:32 > 0:03:36and through the curtains walked two of the funniest men we'd ever seen.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Hey, Eric.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- Yes.- Eric, listen... - Why didn't we come through together?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- We were stood there. - I've got a great idea.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45- Eh?- I've got a great idea.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48This is an idea that's going to make this the top show on television.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- Are you leaving then? - LAUGHTER
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to my major play
0:03:53 > 0:03:56and I can't tell you what a great pleasure it gives me.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57And he's not the only one.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Ladies and gentlemen...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Get off!
0:04:03 > 0:04:08The front cloth, as it's known, was part of their life for decades.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Eric Bartholomew and Ernest Wiseman
0:04:10 > 0:04:14first met in front of it in 1939, aged 13,
0:04:14 > 0:04:18when Eric was auditioning for the great impresario, Jack Hylton.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Ernie was already being billed as Britain's Mickey Rooney.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28Eric, less experienced, younger and shorter - yes, shorter -
0:04:28 > 0:04:30was wary of him and thought him big-headed.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35We have Eric's mother Sadie to thank for their partnership.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38She saw the potential, encouraged their friendship
0:04:38 > 0:04:42and made comedy history in the process.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Bartholomew became Morecambe, Wiseman became Wise.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Within a few years, they were appearing all over the country
0:04:49 > 0:04:52and always in front of the curtain, or front cloth.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Years later, when Eric and Ernie were TV stars, it seemed
0:04:57 > 0:05:01the most natural thing in the world to use that cloth as a backdrop.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04The first of their guests to join them there was
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Peter Cushing in 1969.
0:05:07 > 0:05:12He'd already appeared with another well-known double act in 1940.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16So, naturally, Eric and Ern treated him with the respect he was due.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Still at the old margarine, eh?
0:05:19 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER
0:05:20 > 0:05:24"Still at the old margarine!" How does he think of them?
0:05:24 > 0:05:25APPLAUSE
0:05:27 > 0:05:29(This is Mr Peter Cushing.)
0:05:30 > 0:05:32(What are you talking like that for?)
0:05:32 > 0:05:34(He's giving you the aye-aye.)
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Oh, good evening. That's a good line for a start.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Do you write all your own stuff?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Does he write all his own...?
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Half a crown.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Does he write all his own stuff?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Mr Cushing, I can't tell you what a pleasure it is
0:05:49 > 0:05:50to have you on the show.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Why can't you tell me?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Another gem in the can!
0:05:58 > 0:05:59We like stuff like that.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Anything subtle. We like anything subtle, don't we? Anything.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06I, uh...I wonder if I might ask you a question.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08You said that without moving your lips!
0:06:09 > 0:06:14No, excuse me, that was me. I wonder if I might ask you a question.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16No, well, we never lend money to anybody.
0:06:16 > 0:06:21- Especially to actors.- Why are you...?- Can I get one in?- Yeah.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Nine out of ten for effort.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- Why are you wearing that ridiculous costume?!- Exactly!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Why are you wearing that ridiculous costume?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- Not him, you!- Not you, him!
0:06:31 > 0:06:35That mockery was to become a hallmark of the shows.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38You stepped through that cloth at your peril,
0:06:38 > 0:06:42but the real joy of the curtain was that it put the boys back
0:06:42 > 0:06:45where they were happiest - on the variety stage.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50The medium may have changed, but the material was still sparkling fresh.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53This is ridiculous. We've seen ventriloquists before.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56You're wasting your time. Unless there's something different...
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- What do you think? - LAUGHTER
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Well...I think you've got something there.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- It's different?- Yes, it's different.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05I mean, it's quite...
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- Let's be honest...- It's original.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Yes.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11I thought what I might do, yeah...
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- I'll tell you something.- What?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16He'll be a big lad when he grows up.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- Can you get him up?- Eh? - Can you get him up?
0:07:19 > 0:07:20- Nothing to do with you.- All right.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- What do you call him? - Pardon?- What do you call him?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- Poggy.- Oh.- Poggy, and he's solid oak.- Solid oak?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- Yeah, I made him myself. - Did you, really?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31You know that big clearing in Epping Forest?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32- It's him.- No!
0:07:32 > 0:07:36- About that... - 600 squirrels without homes now.- No!
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- And his pockets are full of nuts. - No!
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- Can you work it?- Pardon?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- I said, "Can you work it?" - How do you mean?- Make it talk.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- Hah, well, I don't know because when he's up straight, you see...- Yeah.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- When he's up straight...- Yeah. - I can't get my hand on his thing.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54LAUGHTER
0:07:54 > 0:07:57That giant dummy is a brilliant example of one of Eric's
0:07:57 > 0:08:01favourite curtain gags, what's known in the trade as a reveal.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04You know that little pocket radio transistor do-it-yourself thing
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- you gave me as a present? - Yes, I remember...- I made it.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I've done it. I had a lot of fun doing it.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11I didn't think you were clever enough to do that.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- Do you want to see it?- I'd love to see it.- I'll go and get it.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- All right.- Have I got a key? Oh!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18That's amazing! He made this little pocket transistor radio.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20That's fabulous. I can't wait to see it.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22LAUGHTER
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- What do you think of that? - I've never seen one that big.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- Not many people have. - LAUGHTER
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- I am engaged.- You're what?!
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- I am engaged!- Well, I never did.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Oh, we all know that.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- I don't believe one word...- Are you sure now?- Of course I'm sure.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50- I don't believe one word that you're engaged.- I'll prove something to you.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Have you got the zip?
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- What do you think of that? - LAUGHTER
0:08:56 > 0:08:57What's that?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Have you never seen an engagement ring before?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01THAT'S an engagement ring?!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03It's the last time Richard Burton'll play cards with me,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- I promise you that! - LAUGHTER
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- Hold it. Hold it.- What is it?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- A Christmas tree. - A Christmas tree?- Yes.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15- Yeah, I know, but what for? - I got it for the flat, you see.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19- We could put it next to the television, you see.- It's...!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- The size of it!- Yes.- Where did you get it?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- Angus Munro.- What? Where did he get it?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- Trafalgar Square. - What?! Trafalgar Square!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29We were very lucky. There was only one left.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30APPLAUSE
0:09:30 > 0:09:32We're going to take a trip down memory lane...
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Have you seen my dog?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36You've got a dog?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- Yeah.- What sort is it?
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Siberian puddle-maker.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41LAUGHTER
0:09:41 > 0:09:42- Have you seen him?- No.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- I'll go and get him for you. - No, don't bother.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Ladies and gentlemen, we'd now like to take a trip down...
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- Let's have him. - LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- What's that?! - Come on, let's have it.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53That's not a dog!
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Come on.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- Crikey! Don't bring him on here! - Oh! Oh, oh...!
0:10:00 > 0:10:01LAUGHTER
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- Slipped his lead. - Slipped his lead?!
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- Come out of his collar. - His collar?- Yeah.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Well...what do you call him?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- Brutus.- Brutus? Well, he must be enormous!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Knocked six lamp posts over last night.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17LAUGHTER
0:10:17 > 0:10:19He might...kill somebody!
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- He bit the wife this morning.- Yeah?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- Up like a balloon.- Poor woman.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25No, no, the dog. She's all right.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27LAUGHTER
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- Come on and see, I might get him for you.- No, don't...!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Come on here! Eh?
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Oh, look at that!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- He's run off.- Run off?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- Thank goodness he's run off.- Oh, we'll soon get him back.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Roll up your trouser legs and shout din-dins.- I can't do that!
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- He's coming back. - No, no, don't bring him back here.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45You'll love him, I know it. Come here, come here.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Look, I'm not interested.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49What we were going to do was take a stroll down memory lane.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- Eh?- Well, you certainly fooled me!
0:10:53 > 0:10:56When you were doing all that pulling backwards and forwards and I saw this
0:10:56 > 0:11:00big lead and everything, I expected this sort of big, "Grrr!"
0:11:00 > 0:11:03would come bounding on. Really!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05And then I see this little thing that you've got!
0:11:07 > 0:11:08I did, I thought!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10LAUGHTER
0:11:11 > 0:11:13You...
0:11:14 > 0:11:16LAUGHTER
0:11:23 > 0:11:27You worry me at times, do you know that?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I've got a wet hand now.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32APPLAUSE
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Eric's withering look at Ernie there is wonderful.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Eddie Braben is justly famous as Eric and Ernie's writer,
0:11:41 > 0:11:46but less well known is their producer and director, John Ammonds.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50John was initially against the idea of using a stage and curtains -
0:11:50 > 0:11:54this was television after all and nothing to be ashamed of.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58But Eric and Ernie stuck to their guns and, eventually,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00John realised they were right.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03It meant moments of magic, like this.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06LAUGHTER
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Thank you very much.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the show.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Could I have a close-up, please?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14This is the cover, ladies and gentlemen...
0:12:14 > 0:12:15CRASHING BEHIND CURTAIN
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- What was that?- I'm sorry about that.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- That's all right.- It's very simple.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Somebody's left a coil of rope back here and I've got my foot
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- caught in it.- You have?- I'm terribly sorry about that.- Yes, well...
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- Can you manage on your own? - I'll carry on all right.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28I'll try and get it fixed at the back.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- I'll do my dance?- Yes.- All right.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32No, that'll get laughs. You don't want that.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- Do my song then?- No, don't do your song either.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- I'll tell you what...- What?- Forget it. Just give me a hand with this.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Is there anything you can do?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- I think I can do something. - Can you manage on your own?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- I can manage.- A lovely audience.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Yes, I saw them arriving on the buses.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48They look like it's over their heads. They're very good.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- I like them like that, they're more friendly.- Yes.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52It's the guns that make them laugh, you know.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54As I was saying, ladies and gentlemen...
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Are you telling them about the LP? - I'm telling them about my new LP,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- by public demand.- Lovely. What's it called?
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Mr Wonderful.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- Mr Wonderful?- Yes. - A modest little title.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04LAUGHTER
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- It's not my fault!- I know, I know. It makes it very difficult for me.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- I'm trying to plug my new LP. - I do understand that,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- but the point is he's picked the wrong rope to pull.- Oh, has he?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- Look...- Oh, I'm nearer to the sun than you, now.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- Will you slacken off, please?- Eh? - Slacken off the rope.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- Oh, you're talking to him. - Yes.- You had me worried there.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- He's lowering you gently.- That's good of you. There's nothing I can do
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- about it.- I don't want anything to happen to you.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I got my foot caught.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- I'm sorry about this.- Yeah. It makes it very difficult.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Of course it does. Oh!
0:13:38 > 0:13:40There's nothing I can do about it, Ern.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42It's difficult for me, I'm trying to plug my record.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I know. I'll tell you what. Who's done the backing on the record?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- Uh, Mrs Mills.- You took a chance.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Oh, yes, and one of the...
0:13:49 > 0:13:51LAUGHTER
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- There's nothing I can do! - It's impossible!
0:13:54 > 0:13:55You can't see the dandruff.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- You can see nothing.- Hold it! - Hold it, hold it!
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Hold it, hold, hold!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Be careful now, Mr Wise is annoyed!
0:14:04 > 0:14:05LAUGHTER
0:14:05 > 0:14:08And when half a star gets annoyed, watch out.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- I don't want anything to happen to you.- No, why?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Have you got some joke coming up?
0:14:14 > 0:14:15LAUGHTER
0:14:15 > 0:14:17You got something in mind when you say things like...
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Hey, you can't see the join from here!
0:14:19 > 0:14:20LAUGHTER
0:14:21 > 0:14:23I'm sorry about all this.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24- Now, listen!- What?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- Up there.- (Yes.)- Listen very carefully, slacken off number three.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- Number three, rope. - Not number two, number three.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- Number three or number two?- Take it easy. Drop him slowly.- That's good.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- That's fine.- That's very good. I much appreciate this, Ern.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37One of the best things you've done for me.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I'll tell you what I'll do. I will go round the back there
0:14:40 > 0:14:42- and I will untangle your legs from the rope.- What a good idea.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- Excuse me a moment.- I'm sorry about all this, I really am.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48If I come out, can you...? Can you make it?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- It's all right, I'm getting there. - Hey! Cheeky!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52LAUGHTER I'm getting you loose now.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I hope that was you, because I know you better than anybody else.
0:14:55 > 0:15:00- Oh, lovely. Are you all right? - Yes.- Up with him, boys.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:03I'll tell you what...
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Could I have a close-up, please?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06APPLAUSE
0:15:06 > 0:15:09# Hey, good-looking... #
0:15:09 > 0:15:14John Ammonds had started out in 1941 as a special effects operator.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17He first worked with Eric and Ernie in 1954
0:15:17 > 0:15:21as producer of the radio show, You're Only Young Once.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23They stayed friends as well as colleagues
0:15:23 > 0:15:26for the rest of their careers.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30When Eric and Ernie returned to the BBC from ATV in 1968,
0:15:30 > 0:15:34John Ammonds was in like a shot.
0:15:34 > 0:15:41He became the first BBC producer in history to cancel a holiday,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43a record he holds to this day.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45How long is this going to run? Do you know?
0:15:45 > 0:15:49The way we're working now, that new format we seem to be working to,
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- that's about right.- What format?!
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- As he laughingly said, "A format!" - No, the laughing line, that is new.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59LAUGHTER
0:15:59 > 0:16:02It was Eric who insisted on the theatrical setting for the show.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05He simply felt more at home with it.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08He even asked John to keep the camera on a simple,
0:16:08 > 0:16:12full-length shot of them both, but there John drew the line.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16He knew Eric's face was made for close-ups.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- Well, this is a genuine award. - Ern...
0:16:19 > 0:16:22you have my word as a gentleman.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23That's good enough for me.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24This boy is a fool.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27LAUGHTER
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Do you want...?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Would you like me to sing a verse, you know, to start it off,
0:16:33 > 0:16:35of Robin Hood, Robin Hood, Riding Through The Glen?
0:16:37 > 0:16:38LAUGHTER
0:16:38 > 0:16:40It's the theme tune, you know, the...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Well, if it turns you on.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Thank you.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46You know what the trouble with you is? You're so conceited.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48You're so full of yourself.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Why don't you show a little humility once in a while?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Now, get off.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54LAUGHTER
0:16:56 > 0:16:59There's no business like big business.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- In this, I play the part of a very big business executive.- Oh, yes.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Now, ladies and gentlemen, let's meet a man who through his meteoric...
0:17:08 > 0:17:10LAUGHTER
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Ladies and gentlemen, let's meet a man...
0:17:13 > 0:17:15LAUGHTER
0:17:15 > 0:17:17..who's had a meteoric rise...
0:17:17 > 0:17:19into international stardom...
0:17:19 > 0:17:22LAUGHTER
0:17:22 > 0:17:26..meteoric rise into international stardom...
0:17:26 > 0:17:29That's three meteoric rises this fella's had
0:17:29 > 0:17:31into international stardom. Is that all?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Then you can find nothing wrong with my play.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Perfection as always.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Do you really mean that?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41You have my word as a gentleman.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Well, that's good enough for me.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44This boy is a fool.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46LAUGHTER
0:17:51 > 0:17:53LAUGHTER
0:17:53 > 0:17:56The plays that Ernie wrote would attract the biggest names
0:17:56 > 0:18:00as co-stars, but before the curtain went up
0:18:00 > 0:18:04they'd be dragged in front of it for their ritual humiliation.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Not even a damehood could help you now.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to my dramatic masterpiece,
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Queen Elizabeth I Of England.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13LAUGHTER
0:18:13 > 0:18:18Unfortunately, I'm not in it. I've only got a small part.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19- There's no answer to that.- No.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21LAUGHTER
0:18:21 > 0:18:24May I, please...I'd like to introduce you to our star guest now.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29In person, Dame Flora Robson.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32APPLAUSE
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- She's chickened out.- What do you mean, "chickened out?"
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- She's chickened out. - She agreed to do the play.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43I'm telling you, she's gone.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Where does she live? - Down at Brighton.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49- She's going right through Croydon at this minute.- Nah.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I can't understand, I gave her strict instructions.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I said, "Dame Flora, studio six. Don't forget, see me in studio six."
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Where?
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Studio six.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02This is studio six.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Right.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Well, I'll be off now. I'll put the sausages on.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09It could be an early dinner tonight.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Where did you tell Dame Flora to come to?
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Studio three.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17LAUGHTER
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Do you realise what she's doing now?
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Sports Night with Coleman.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- That's terrible. - No, it's a fair little show.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- I don't mean that. - He sings now in the action replay.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I'm sorry I'm late, I went to studio three.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33APPLAUSE
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Do you know, a very charming young man kept asking me
0:19:40 > 0:19:42if I'd be fit for Saturday.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44LAUGHTER
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Don't you remember me?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- No. Now, about the play...- Yes?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- We should try and... - Approach it with a certain...
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Just do me one little favour. Cast your mind back to Manchester, 1952.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Were you in a play in Manchester in 1952?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- Yes, I was in a play in Manchester in 1952.- Well, there you are.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05And a very fine play, if I remember, sir.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09A play written by a personal friend of mine, W Somerset Morgan.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10LAUGHTER
0:20:10 > 0:20:14As a matter of fact, it was written by my wife, Mary Hayley Bell.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- You weren't sure then for a minute. - LAUGHTER
0:20:16 > 0:20:20And I'm terribly sorry, but I really don't remember you.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- He doesn't remember you.- My wife wouldn't remember you either, so...
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I'm sorry about that. Look, hop it. Get off.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- I'm terribly sorry, it's very unnerving.- I know.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29One little moment, please.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31A little greengrocer's shop next to the stage door.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34You came in one day, I asked for your autograph,
0:20:34 > 0:20:35you signed it for me...
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- on a banana. - LAUGHTER
0:20:38 > 0:20:39On a banana?!
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- On a banana. - Yes, I do remember that.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47- He wouldn't forget signing a banana! - Eric, I'm sorry. How are you?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Wahey! Nice to see you. - Awfully sorry.- That's all right.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51On the banana you put,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54"To Eric, yours very sincerely,
0:20:54 > 0:20:55"John Fyffe Mills."
0:20:55 > 0:20:57LAUGHTER
0:20:57 > 0:20:58That's a few years ago now, isn't it?
0:20:58 > 0:21:02- Oh, yes, it is. But I've still got that banana.- After all these years?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Well, I've eaten the banana, but I kept the skin.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05LAUGHTER
0:21:05 > 0:21:07It's all shrivelled up now, you know.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Yes, I suppose it would be, I suppose.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11It happens to us all, eventually.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14LAUGHTER
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- Look, will you go and get changed?- Eh?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Go and get changed for the part.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Well, you can't call a score past that, let's be honest!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Excuse me, just a moment.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I saw that. Just watch it, that's all.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27You're not queen here, you know.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30And don't forget, if the play starts to dip in the middle,
0:21:30 > 0:21:32go straight into the song.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33- Song?- Yes.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Old Man River.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36LAUGHTER
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I saw you sing it in a film.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Stood on a bale of cotton, you were...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- ..the rain pouring down...- No!
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Please, that's enough.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- I remember it very well.- She doesn't like reminding of that.- Oh.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- Will you get changed?- I'll get changed for the part.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- That's right. - And I suggest you do the same.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54LAUGHTER
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Have you got a key?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- I'm terribly sorry, Dame... - You forgot your award.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Well, John, if you'd, eh...
0:22:06 > 0:22:08If you'd get changed for the big production number.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Yes, yes, of course. What have I got to sing?
0:22:10 > 0:22:11- Sing?- Yes.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15A number from New Moon - Stout-Hearted Men.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- That's a fine song.- Yes, it is.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20The only trouble is, I do need a large chorus to back that, you know.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22LAUGHTER
0:22:22 > 0:22:26- You'll have a large chorus, sunbeam. - LAUGHTER
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- A LARGE chorus, I promise you. - Oh, well, as long as you understand.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I just must have a large chorus...
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Of course you'll have a flaming large chorus. What's the matter?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- You frightened to sing on your own? - LAUGHTER
0:22:36 > 0:22:38- Well, gentlemen, it'll be my pleasure.- Of course.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40If you go and get changed.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42# My desert is waiting... #
0:22:42 > 0:22:43Get off. We don't want that rubbish.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46LAUGHTER
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Wonderful to have you on the show.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Yes, I know. I can't tell you what a thrill it is for me
0:22:52 > 0:22:54to be playing the star part in your new film.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- Wonderful.- Oh, think nothing of it, Pete.- Marvellous.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00If I was asked to sum up your many qualities in one word...
0:23:00 > 0:23:02LAUGHTER
0:23:02 > 0:23:04If I was asked to sum up your many qualities in one word,
0:23:04 > 0:23:05that word would be...
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- Pathetic.- Path...
0:23:07 > 0:23:09LAUGHTER
0:23:09 > 0:23:12The star of Casanova, Mr Frank Finlay!
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Mr Finlay, you are indeed a special guest.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24My pleasure.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I know, I saw every episode.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28LAUGHTER
0:23:28 > 0:23:29- Now, don't you start.- I'm sorry.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- I had enough with the other fool. - Yes.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Tell me, Mr Finlay,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37what was it that made you want to appear in my version of Casanova?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- Well, there were three factors that decided it for me.- Really?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- Your reputation as a writer... - Of course.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45..your modern approach to drama and production, but
0:23:45 > 0:23:48most of all, and I say this with full sincerity,
0:23:48 > 0:23:49I needed the money.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51LAUGHTER
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- Money?- Yes.- I like the outfit. - Oh, yes.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58This is an exact replica of the actual clobber that Casanova wore.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- Really? Yes.- Yes.- Very natty.- Yes.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- I'll tell you something else, Ernie.- What?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05I've got the book here with the addresses of the girls...
0:24:05 > 0:24:07- HE COUGHS - How'd you do?- Evening.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I've got the address book here...
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Yes...
0:24:12 > 0:24:13The meter is under the stairs.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15LAUGHTER
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Why do they come at this peculiar hour?
0:24:18 > 0:24:19- This is Mr...- Eh?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- This is Mr Frank Finlay, our special guest.- I've done it again.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23You've put your foot in it.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Terribly sorry, it's the glasses. I'm sorry about that.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- I'm sorry, Frank, I really am. - Don't let it worry you.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Oh, no, Frank Finlay, alias, Bossa-nova.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER
0:24:34 > 0:24:35No!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- Up-and-ova?- No!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- Roll-me-ova?- No!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- Casanova.- Ah.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Well, I was closest with Roll-me-ova, wouldn't you think?
0:24:45 > 0:24:46- Roll-me-ova? - HE WHOOPS
0:24:46 > 0:24:47- Sir?- Yes?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- No, not you, your brother.- Oh.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51LAUGHTER
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- My older brother.- Yes. Sir, you have written a play for me?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Yes, I've written this play for you.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58In this you will play the part of Casanova the great lover.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02- Fine, I'll go and get changed immediately.- Not you!
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- Frank Finlay's going to play the part.- Why him?
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Well, I did play the part on television.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Oh, yes, you did PLAY the part on television.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13That's the operative word, PLAY, isn't it? You only acted it.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14I do it for real, matey.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16There's some girls' addresses in here that'd make you
0:25:16 > 0:25:18grow grey immediately.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- LAUGHTER - Listen to this.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Ada Bailey.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- 36 Terryassin Street.- Eh?
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Oh.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Ida Noble.
0:25:28 > 0:25:2922 Oldham Terrace.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30LAUGHTER
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Helen Gartell.
0:25:34 > 0:25:364 Edgemore Road.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Sybil Gaylor.
0:25:42 > 0:25:4417 Bentham Place.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:49 > 0:25:53A masterclass in control from Frank Finlay.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57There really was nowhere to hide in front of that unforgiving curtain.
0:25:57 > 0:26:02But the curtain was, at its best, the perfect backdrop for Eric
0:26:02 > 0:26:04and Ernie themselves.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07In their early variety days, low down the bill,
0:26:07 > 0:26:09audiences would barely notice them.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12So, Eric would run on the stage
0:26:12 > 0:26:14and slap Ernie around the face, hard.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16That got their attention!
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Eric would follow that with, "How dare you have the kind of face
0:26:20 > 0:26:24"I dislike!" and get a big laugh. And that, of course, eventually,
0:26:24 > 0:26:26evolved into this.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30LAUGHTER
0:26:32 > 0:26:34People often ask me, when Eric slaps me across the face,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37whether it really hurts me. Well, I can honestly say...
0:26:37 > 0:26:38it does.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Oh!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47All right?
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Yes.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Thank you.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Leave this to me, you're too upset.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04- Yeah, it's him.- It's you. Who is he?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06- Who is he?- Yes.- He's my new partner.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08- Ah!- Will you get out of the way? - Certainly.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- New partner?- New partner, yes.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11- You do something...- Yeah?
0:27:11 > 0:27:13..and I'll go...
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- Yeah! Great, great.- Very good.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Not quite right.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21- Not quite right. - LAUGHTER
0:27:21 > 0:27:25- Eh?- What?- You know what I mean. I'll do it again, you know.- He's working.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28You know, we're on an even foot. We're all right.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32The idea is, you see, you've got to go like that and like that.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Hit him hard and, if you can draw blood, you get more money.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38There'll always be one thing I'll always be able to do
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- better than him.- And what's that? HE LAUGHS
0:27:40 > 0:27:42APPLAUSE
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Another of the boys' best-loved lines
0:27:44 > 0:27:47also came from their theatre days.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49It was inspired by an American acrobat
0:27:49 > 0:27:52they shared digs with called Paul Kafka.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58If you look very carefully, you may be able to detect something
0:27:58 > 0:28:01not 100% natural about Mr Kafka's hair.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06The hairpiece became a thing of wonder to the boys
0:28:06 > 0:28:10and eventually migrated to Ernie's head where it's implied presence
0:28:10 > 0:28:13became a regular part of their act
0:28:13 > 0:28:15and inspired Eric's famous catch phrase.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20- Not my hair.- Well, you can't see the join, you're all right.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22LAUGHTER
0:28:23 > 0:28:25My little fat friend.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Can't see the join. That's one of the best you've ever had.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29That is a beauty!
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Arrived this morning all the way from Axminster.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33- LAUGHTER - Can't get lovelier than that.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35What a charming lady.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37She is. You think you're in there, don't you?
0:28:37 > 0:28:39- Oh, I'm well in there. She likes me.- Get off!
0:28:39 > 0:28:40You know she smokes a clay pipe as a hobby.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42LAUGHTER
0:28:42 > 0:28:45- I like clay pipes.- Have you told her about the head doily?
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Shut up!
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Every time you bow your head like that, it goes before your eyes
0:28:50 > 0:28:52- and you think it's gone dark. - Oh, shut up.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54I've insulted Ern...
0:28:54 > 0:28:56but, at long last, I've learned...
0:28:57 > 0:28:58..that he is a chum,
0:28:58 > 0:29:00good and true.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03So, don't take a rise because of his size...
0:29:03 > 0:29:04LAUGHTER
0:29:04 > 0:29:06..and the fact that his hair's stuck with glue.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09LAUGHTER
0:29:13 > 0:29:16Thanks, Mr Kafka, and sorry!
0:29:16 > 0:29:21Now, here's something Hollywood legend Jimmy Cagney never said.
0:29:21 > 0:29:25Say, anyways, you dirty rat,
0:29:25 > 0:29:30one peep out of you and I'm going to fill you full of lead,
0:29:30 > 0:29:33you dirty rat!
0:29:33 > 0:29:34But in front of that curtain,
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Eric and Ernie must have said it dozens of times while doing
0:29:37 > 0:29:42possibly the worst Jimmy Cagney impressions ever broadcast.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44BOTH IN SINGSONG: You listen here,
0:29:44 > 0:29:47you dirty rat.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50One peep out of you
0:29:50 > 0:29:53and I'll fill you
0:29:53 > 0:29:55full of lead.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57Get me...
0:29:57 > 0:30:00the DA on the phone.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03LAUGHTER
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Get off!
0:30:09 > 0:30:11LAUGHTER
0:30:12 > 0:30:17I'm...a Yankee doodle...dandy!
0:30:17 > 0:30:20Yankee doodle, do or die.
0:30:20 > 0:30:24A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27- Just get off!- Hold on.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29LAUGHTER
0:30:31 > 0:30:36For some reason, doing Cagney badly became a running joke
0:30:36 > 0:30:38and if it wasn't Cagney...
0:30:38 > 0:30:41- AS CARY GRANT:- Ladies and gentlemen, very nice to be here.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44- Absolutely marvellous... - APPLAUSE
0:30:46 > 0:30:49Cary Grant was, in fact, a good friend of Eric's.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53They'd met in Bristol in 1964.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56Sadly, we never got to see Mr Grant's impression of Eric.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58Then, after that, you'll do your Jimmy Stewart.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00- AS JIMMY STEWART:- "Ladies and gentlemen, I must say,
0:31:00 > 0:31:04"it's absolutely fabulous to be here."
0:31:04 > 0:31:05APPLAUSE
0:31:05 > 0:31:07Then you'll do your Humphrey Bogart.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10- AS HUMPHREY BOGART:- "That's the way it's got to be, sweetheart."
0:31:10 > 0:31:12You've just done my act!
0:31:12 > 0:31:15I've got nothing left now. Those were all my best impressions.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18- I tried to get away with it, that's all.- You ought to be ashamed.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20You've ruined my act and you've spoiled it!
0:31:20 > 0:31:21Really, I'm disgusted with you.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23That's the best Bette Davis you've ever done.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26- I'm not doing Bette Davis! - Do Shirley Temple.- Ooh!
0:31:26 > 0:31:29- # On the good ship Lollipop... # - He loves it. He loves it.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31# I'm a Yankee doodle... #
0:31:31 > 0:31:33# And dream away
0:31:33 > 0:31:35- # On the good ship Lollipop... # - # Do or die. #
0:31:37 > 0:31:41'But impressions - good, bad or mediocre - became part of the
0:31:41 > 0:31:45'Morecambe and Wise furniture as much as those curtains themselves.'
0:31:46 > 0:31:50And some of the guests revealed themselves to be surprisingly good.
0:31:50 > 0:31:55Watch out for Peter Cushing's Tommy Cooper. Yes, you heard that right.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58- He knows who you are.- Of course I do. I recognised you immediately.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00- You're Cary Grant. - LAUGHTER
0:32:00 > 0:32:02Do you know, it's funny you should say that...
0:32:02 > 0:32:04- He wanted me to do this.- Pardon?
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Guess who he does an impression of.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08I do a good impression. Would you like me to do Cary Grant?
0:32:08 > 0:32:10- Oh, it's great.- I'll do it. - Rubbish, rubbish.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13- LAUGHTER - I'd make the tea now if I were you.
0:32:13 > 0:32:18- Shall I start?- Do your impression of Cary Grant.- Yeah, you listen to this.
0:32:18 > 0:32:19He's terrible.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21- AS CARY GRANT: - Mary had a little lamb...
0:32:21 > 0:32:24- (Mary had a little lamb.) - It's fleece was white as snow
0:32:24 > 0:32:28and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30- Very good.- Thank you.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33Very good. APPLAUSE
0:32:36 > 0:32:38- AS CARY GRANT: - Mary had a little lamb...
0:32:39 > 0:32:41- ..whose fleece was white as snow... - He's quite good, isn't he?
0:32:41 > 0:32:46And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49AS JIMMY CAGNEY: Here, here, you dirty rat, you!
0:32:49 > 0:32:51APPLAUSE You dirty rat!
0:32:51 > 0:32:54- You...- Who is that man, Francis?
0:32:54 > 0:32:56I think it's Tony Curtis.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58I know one thing - it's not Jimmy Cagney.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00It is Jimmy Cagney!
0:33:00 > 0:33:03I'm sorry to be so insistent, but I'm not moving from here
0:33:03 > 0:33:05until I get my money.
0:33:05 > 0:33:06Yes, I do understand, but the point is,
0:33:06 > 0:33:08we'll have to have a little conference about it all.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Yes, we'll think about it.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13Erm, do your tap dance while we're off. Do your tap dance.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Excuse me?
0:33:15 > 0:33:18- Yes?- I can't tap dance.- You can't? Can you do anything?
0:33:18 > 0:33:20I mean, bite somebody's neck, anything.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22LAUGHTER
0:33:22 > 0:33:24Could I do my impersonation?
0:33:24 > 0:33:26- Yes.- Yes.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28If you want? Is that it?
0:33:28 > 0:33:29No.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31- Ready?- Yes.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33- AS TOMMY COOPER:- Just like that.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:38 > 0:33:40- Very good.- Oh, very.- Excellent.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42Yes, have you got a shorter one than that?
0:33:43 > 0:33:45- That is the...- That is the whole...
0:33:45 > 0:33:47Would you do it again?
0:33:47 > 0:33:48It'll cost you more.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50- It's all right.- It's all right.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52- AS TOMMY COOPER:- Not like that. Like that.
0:33:54 > 0:33:55Great. Great. Wonderful.
0:33:55 > 0:33:56Who was it?
0:33:56 > 0:33:57Des O'Connor.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59LAUGHTER
0:34:02 > 0:34:06But it didn't matter how good your Tommy Cooper was.
0:34:06 > 0:34:10If you were a guest on the show, you were in for a hard time.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13Eric and Ernie's disrespect for their famous co-stars
0:34:13 > 0:34:18was as inventive as it was scornful and you would never,
0:34:18 > 0:34:20ever be called by your proper name.
0:34:20 > 0:34:25- Eric, say hello to Mr Preview. - Ah, Mr Preview! How are you?
0:34:25 > 0:34:27It's all coming back to me now! I remember! Yes!
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Er, Peter Custard.
0:34:29 > 0:34:30Cushing.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33Miss Hang-glider. LAUGHTER
0:34:33 > 0:34:35- What did you say your name was? - Uh, Matthews. Two Ts.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38That's fine. No sugar in mine.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Michael, how are you?
0:34:44 > 0:34:47How nice to see you?
0:34:47 > 0:34:49Are you dressed for the show or an operation?
0:34:50 > 0:34:53I should have recognised you right away, Miss Wiltshire.
0:34:53 > 0:34:54LAUGHTER
0:34:54 > 0:34:56Hampshire!
0:34:56 > 0:34:58Well, it's close.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00I don't seem to remember you at all, Mr Crushing.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02LAUGHTER
0:35:02 > 0:35:04- Cushing.- Oh, yes.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06Treating Miss Hamstrung like that.
0:35:06 > 0:35:07- Uh...- No, Hamshank.- Hamper.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11Hampshire. We'll settle with Hampshire.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13I didn't know you were a fan, Eric.
0:35:14 > 0:35:15(Excuse me.)
0:35:15 > 0:35:17I'll tell you something, Hand-grenade...
0:35:17 > 0:35:20LAUGHTER
0:35:20 > 0:35:23- Eric.- Yes?- Miss Redgrave.
0:35:23 > 0:35:24Vanilla, how are you?
0:35:25 > 0:35:27- Vanessa.- Oh.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29Tastes like vanilla.
0:35:29 > 0:35:34But the more scorn they poured, the more ridiculous the boys looked.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36The joke, of course, was on them
0:35:36 > 0:35:39and when you have guests of this calibre, it's hardly surprising.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41APPLAUSE
0:35:41 > 0:35:43And now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:35:43 > 0:35:46it's your privilege to see a preview of my latest film.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49My version of Dr Jekyll And Mr Hyde,
0:35:49 > 0:35:51which I have "adopted" from the paperback by
0:35:51 > 0:35:54Robert Louis Stevenson, just before he invented the railway train.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57LAUGHTER
0:35:57 > 0:35:59And for my leading lady I have the charming, delightful,
0:35:59 > 0:36:04unforgettable...um, um...
0:36:04 > 0:36:06Miss Judi Dench.
0:36:06 > 0:36:07APPLAUSE
0:36:12 > 0:36:14Miss Dench.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16APPLAUSE
0:36:17 > 0:36:20- Miss Dench, it's a great pleasure. - It's a great pleasure for me.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22Well, that's what I meant.
0:36:22 > 0:36:23LAUGHTER
0:36:23 > 0:36:26I've been a fan of yours ever since I was so high.
0:36:26 > 0:36:27LAUGHTER
0:36:27 > 0:36:29I'll never forget you in Jamaica Inn.
0:36:29 > 0:36:33What do you mean? That was a film that was made over 30 years ago.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Yeah, I don't look 30, do I?
0:36:35 > 0:36:37No, but I bet you did when you were.
0:36:37 > 0:36:38LAUGHTER
0:36:41 > 0:36:42By the way, where's Eric?
0:36:42 > 0:36:43Oh, he's concentrating.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45- What on?- Standing up.
0:36:45 > 0:36:46LAUGHTER
0:36:48 > 0:36:50- Tell me, Jenny...- Judi.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52..Judi...what have you been doing recently?
0:36:52 > 0:36:55Well, I've just had a season with the Royal Shakespeare Company.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57I had a very nice role in The Comedy Of Errors.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59LAUGHTER
0:36:59 > 0:37:01Especially written?
0:37:01 > 0:37:04By Shakespeare.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06Erm, did you find him difficult to work with?
0:37:07 > 0:37:09He's dead.
0:37:09 > 0:37:13Oh. Then you would find him difficult to work with.
0:37:13 > 0:37:14You won't find me difficult.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16No, but you could be difficult to find.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18LAUGHTER
0:37:18 > 0:37:23Ernie swatted away with consummate ease there by Julie. I mean, Judi.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26If you were a woman, you'd also be treated to
0:37:26 > 0:37:28the Eric and Ernie charm offensive.
0:37:28 > 0:37:33It was like a saucy seaside postcard in a suit,
0:37:33 > 0:37:36but because they were so inept they got away with it.
0:37:36 > 0:37:37Just.
0:37:37 > 0:37:38Ernie's play...
0:37:39 > 0:37:41..will shock. Yes.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43It is a shocking play.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45It's what they call avant-garter.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49As a matter of fact, it's a copy of a film I saw,
0:37:49 > 0:37:52a rather naughty French film called Enamel.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55- It's got a lot of polish.- Yes.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57- You mean, Emmanuel.- Emmanuel?
0:37:57 > 0:38:01Ah, that's it - Emmanuel. I hated it the first time I saw it,
0:38:01 > 0:38:03hated it even more the second time.
0:38:05 > 0:38:09Are you...? Are you...Michael, are you quite willing to...
0:38:09 > 0:38:13divest yourself of certain garments?
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Including nether garments?
0:38:16 > 0:38:17Are you quite willing to...?
0:38:17 > 0:38:20You know what I mean by... Are you quite willing to...?
0:38:20 > 0:38:22I have no objection if it's within the context of the play.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24It's got nothing to do with the play.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26I'm asking you a straightforward question.
0:38:26 > 0:38:27LAUGHTER
0:38:27 > 0:38:29Would you say hello to Eric? Have you met Eric?
0:38:29 > 0:38:32- I've always wanted to meet you, Eric.- That is true.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34- I have heard that. - LAUGHTER
0:38:34 > 0:38:37I'm afraid you can't stay long because we have a film star
0:38:37 > 0:38:40coming on of the highest magnitude possible.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43So, if you leave your name and address...
0:38:43 > 0:38:45- LAUGHTER - ..with little Ern here...
0:38:45 > 0:38:47if anything pops up, you'll be lucky.
0:38:48 > 0:38:50- Where is he?- Where is who?
0:38:50 > 0:38:53- It!- It?- Thingy?- That? - What's his name?
0:38:53 > 0:38:55- Eric?- Hmm.- Don't worry about him. I fixed him.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58- What I've done is, I've sewn up the curtains up the middle.- Oh, good.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00So, when he comes on, he won't be able to get through,
0:39:00 > 0:39:03- so it's just you and I.- Good! Now, we can talk about your play.- Exactly.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06Well, it's an historical play and it takes part in the past.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08ERIC WHISTLES BEHIND CURTAIN
0:39:08 > 0:39:10It's no good you trying to get through there, Eric,
0:39:10 > 0:39:13- because I've sewn up the centre of the curtains.- Hey, Ern?- What?
0:39:13 > 0:39:16I don't think it's any good me trying to get through here.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18Someone's sewn up the centre of the curtains.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20You'd be correct. That was me, Eric.
0:39:20 > 0:39:21- That was you?- Yes.- Why?
0:39:21 > 0:39:23You can save your breath cos you can't get through.
0:39:23 > 0:39:27- I'll tell you what.- What?- I'll save my breath. I can't get through.
0:39:27 > 0:39:31Now, Diana, how do you fancy playing the part of Nell Gwyn?
0:39:31 > 0:39:32Well, all I can say is...
0:39:32 > 0:39:33ARGH!
0:39:33 > 0:39:35LAUGHTER
0:39:35 > 0:39:36Sorry about that.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40- How dare you?!- The cheek!
0:39:40 > 0:39:41I noticed, yes.
0:39:41 > 0:39:42LAUGHTER
0:39:44 > 0:39:46Do you know Miss Rigg?
0:39:46 > 0:39:47Better than you.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52Looking forward to appearing in Eric's play, Hannah?
0:39:52 > 0:39:54Well, I would be if I knew what it was about.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57- You mean, you haven't got a script yet?- No.
0:39:57 > 0:39:59HE SIGHS
0:39:59 > 0:40:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:01 > 0:40:04Right! Action, camera... A-hem! Pardon me. Roll 'em.
0:40:04 > 0:40:05Nothing personal.
0:40:05 > 0:40:06LAUGHTER
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Just a moment.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10Where's the play?
0:40:10 > 0:40:13- Don't worry about the details. - Just a moment.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15It's because you haven't written one, isn't it?
0:40:18 > 0:40:20(Excuse me.)
0:40:21 > 0:40:22There's your part.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25- What...?- That's yours, yes. Your part in the play.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28- Do you think you can call?- Do I...? - That's what you do.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34"Hannah grabs Eric and pulls him into the bedroom."
0:40:36 > 0:40:38LAUGHTER
0:40:38 > 0:40:42"There is a long struggle, during which Eric is heard to say...
0:40:42 > 0:40:44" 'No, you mustn't. I'm only a lad.' "
0:40:44 > 0:40:46LAUGHTER
0:40:47 > 0:40:50"This is followed by an occasional giggle
0:40:50 > 0:40:52"and a silence lasting two hours."
0:40:52 > 0:40:54LAUGHTER
0:40:55 > 0:40:58Best I've ever heard you do that. Right, strip off. Action.
0:40:58 > 0:40:59Get them off.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01That's a play?!
0:41:01 > 0:41:02It's the way I play, yes.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06Extra kudos to Hannah Gordon there,
0:41:06 > 0:41:11who stepped in when Sarah Miles pulled out after rehearsals.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13We don't know why Sarah pulled out,
0:41:13 > 0:41:16but she was, at the time, married to a playwright.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21Michele Dotrice, then famous for Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em,
0:41:21 > 0:41:25really held her own against a full-on offensive from the boys
0:41:25 > 0:41:28and her exit here is wonderfully strange.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30Let me tell you about the plot of my play.
0:41:30 > 0:41:34It concerns a rich, titled young lady...
0:41:34 > 0:41:36- Yes.- ..who is, erm...
0:41:36 > 0:41:38LAUGHTER
0:41:38 > 0:41:40..deprived of love -
0:41:40 > 0:41:43caused by her husband falling into a combine harvester...
0:41:43 > 0:41:45LAUGHTER
0:41:45 > 0:41:48..which, unfortunately, makes him "impudent."
0:41:48 > 0:41:50LAUGHTER
0:41:54 > 0:41:56I play that part.
0:41:56 > 0:42:00Along comes this young fellow - young, hot-blooded handyman -
0:42:00 > 0:42:02who does things...
0:42:02 > 0:42:04about the estates.
0:42:04 > 0:42:06I play that part.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09- I play that part. - LAUGHTER
0:42:09 > 0:42:12Well, I think I'm beginning to understand what it's all about now.
0:42:12 > 0:42:14- Yes.- "Dr Lust's Go-Go Tablets?"
0:42:14 > 0:42:15LAUGHTER
0:42:15 > 0:42:17"To be taken just before."
0:42:17 > 0:42:19I'll take two or three.
0:42:19 > 0:42:22- Eric's the handyman...- I will be, when these pills start working.
0:42:22 > 0:42:24- LAUGHTER - I promise you that.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27Look at that.
0:42:27 > 0:42:32Well, I've given it some thought and I've decided not to play this part.
0:42:32 > 0:42:34What?! Not to play the part?
0:42:34 > 0:42:36Well, I've taken the tablets.
0:42:36 > 0:42:37LAUGHTER
0:42:37 > 0:42:40- He's doing about 80 miles an hour now.- 100 inside.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42I mean, will it do anything for my career?
0:42:42 > 0:42:47- Your career? Look what an Ernie Wise play did for Glenda Jackson.- Yes.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49What did it do for Glenda Jackson?
0:42:49 > 0:42:51- Who?- Glenda Jackson.
0:42:51 > 0:42:56- (The actress.)- Only...only the butler in Upstairs, Downstairs, that's all!
0:42:56 > 0:42:58LAUGHTER
0:42:58 > 0:43:02- Hudson.- Yes. Glenda Hudson.- Yes. - That's who it was.
0:43:02 > 0:43:07- Now, let me tell you about my play. I do assure you, it's provocative.- Yes.
0:43:07 > 0:43:11- I'll go and get ready.- Yes. - I'll go and take all my clothes off.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14That doesn't take long because they haven't got far to drop.
0:43:14 > 0:43:16LAUGHTER
0:43:19 > 0:43:21LAUGHTER
0:43:25 > 0:43:26Psst!
0:43:28 > 0:43:30Come off.
0:43:32 > 0:43:34LAUGHTER
0:43:37 > 0:43:38(Come off!)
0:43:39 > 0:43:41SHE WHISPERS
0:43:41 > 0:43:42- Pardon?- Come off.
0:43:44 > 0:43:46LAUGHTER
0:43:46 > 0:43:49I'm sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. I do apologise.
0:43:51 > 0:43:53LAUGHTER
0:43:53 > 0:43:55(Come off. Hey!)
0:43:55 > 0:43:56Come off!
0:43:56 > 0:43:59- She did it. - I know and it's boring, isn't it?
0:44:00 > 0:44:03Like Amateur Night! Come off!
0:44:03 > 0:44:04LAUGHTER
0:44:07 > 0:44:09No-one escaped the front cloth treatment,
0:44:09 > 0:44:12no matter how famous, successful,
0:44:12 > 0:44:16talented, beautiful, or tall you were,
0:44:16 > 0:44:20but some of us managed to emerge with our dignity intact.
0:44:20 > 0:44:22There was only one way to deal with those two
0:44:22 > 0:44:25and that was to come out fighting.
0:44:25 > 0:44:27Penelope, I must say, it is a unique honour...
0:44:27 > 0:44:30Well, I'd rather you didn't kiss my hand, it's frightfully unhygienic.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32LAUGHTER
0:44:34 > 0:44:37Well, that's put the blocks on what I had in mind.
0:44:39 > 0:44:41If...if you do this show, you would end up,
0:44:41 > 0:44:44- if you do his play, you would end up in the series.- Yes.
0:44:44 > 0:44:45But I'm already in the series.
0:44:45 > 0:44:47There you are, you've been here two minutes
0:44:47 > 0:44:49and you've got a series of your own.
0:44:49 > 0:44:52- Can I introduce you to this? - Oh, I know who he is.- Yes.
0:44:52 > 0:44:53How are you, Derek?
0:44:53 > 0:44:55LAUGHTER
0:44:58 > 0:45:00Now, about your play, Mr Wise?
0:45:00 > 0:45:02Oh, yes, yes. My play's a sad, romantic play, actually.
0:45:02 > 0:45:04It's about the beautiful Roxanne
0:45:04 > 0:45:07and this great poet who is madly in love with her.
0:45:07 > 0:45:09- It's about a fellow with a big hooter.- I see.
0:45:09 > 0:45:12And that part's going to be played by Derek?
0:45:15 > 0:45:17- She keeps calling me Derek. - Yes, silly!
0:45:17 > 0:45:20It will be a great honour to work with you, Derek.
0:45:20 > 0:45:22- And Penelope, I must say... - She keeps calling me Derek.- Yes.
0:45:22 > 0:45:24It's a great pleasure and a great honour
0:45:24 > 0:45:25to be working with you, Penelope.
0:45:25 > 0:45:28Have you seen any of my plays on television?
0:45:28 > 0:45:32- Well, I did once catch just a tiny glimpse of one of your plays...- Yes?
0:45:32 > 0:45:35..and, um, I'm afraid I found it rather violent.
0:45:37 > 0:45:39Violent?! What do you mean? What are you saying?
0:45:39 > 0:45:42Well, as I said, it was just a tiny glimpse, you see,
0:45:42 > 0:45:44and all I saw was this.
0:45:47 > 0:45:51- He does that to me. - Oh, yes.- Oh, I see, then perhaps...
0:45:51 > 0:45:53it had some meaning, Derek.
0:45:53 > 0:45:57- She's hitting me and calling me Derek now.- I know.
0:45:58 > 0:46:02You see, I couldn't understand what slapping Derek's face had to do
0:46:02 > 0:46:05- with the play.- No, no, no, no.- My name is not Derek. My name is Eric.
0:46:05 > 0:46:08Oh, I am sorry, Mr Moron, you see, all I said was...
0:46:12 > 0:46:17- Don't!- No, no.- You be nice to the lady.- I didn't...- Please.
0:46:17 > 0:46:20- Be nice and charming, she's a lady. - Yes, I will, I will.
0:46:20 > 0:46:22- Now, about my play, Penelope... - Yes, well, I'm...
0:46:22 > 0:46:24- Could we go ahead with it and...? - I don't want to do it.
0:46:29 > 0:46:32- You don't...?- No, you see, I want to do what the other lady stars did,
0:46:32 > 0:46:35like Vanessa Redgrave and Glenda Jackson and Diana Rigg.
0:46:35 > 0:46:37Well, we're past that age, we can't do it now.
0:46:37 > 0:46:40- No, besides, my legs have gone. - His legs have gone.
0:46:40 > 0:46:43- Yes, no, what I mean... - Well, one of them has.
0:46:43 > 0:46:45No, what I mean is I want to walk down a scare...
0:46:45 > 0:46:47- a staircase very glamorously. - Staircase?- Ah!- Ah.
0:46:47 > 0:46:48- Well, that could be...- No.
0:46:48 > 0:46:50Have we got a care-stase or a staircase?
0:46:50 > 0:46:53We could get you a staircase later on but a care-stase is difficult.
0:46:53 > 0:46:56- Yes.- What do you think? - Well, no, I think it's...
0:46:56 > 0:46:57- I think it can be arranged, yes. - Oh, yes.
0:46:57 > 0:47:02If you will do my play, Cyrano De Bergerac, then you can walk
0:47:02 > 0:47:04down the stairs like the big Hollywood star, OK?
0:47:04 > 0:47:07- Oh, well, if I do your play, it's going to cost you extra money.- Ah.
0:47:07 > 0:47:09Ah. It's a bit difficult for me, isn't it?
0:47:09 > 0:47:11- Have we got him up there? - No.- We haven't.
0:47:11 > 0:47:15- Extra money, well, you see this fiver?- Fiver.- Yes.
0:47:15 > 0:47:17After you've done my play, I'll show it to you again, OK.
0:47:17 > 0:47:20- Thanks.- You can't be fairer than that.- And then I can walk down...
0:47:20 > 0:47:23- Then you can walk down the staircase. - Ready when you are, pally.
0:47:23 > 0:47:25If you just come through this large opening.
0:47:25 > 0:47:26Thank you very much indeed, thank you.
0:47:26 > 0:47:28Come along, Derek.
0:47:30 > 0:47:34I did finally get to walk down a beautiful scare-case,
0:47:34 > 0:47:38well, half of one, but that's another story.
0:47:39 > 0:47:41In fairness, the men didn't do much better.
0:47:41 > 0:47:47Suave, urbane, charming - Eric and Ernie were none of these things.
0:47:47 > 0:47:50Thankfully, Ian Carmichael was.
0:47:50 > 0:47:53- Give him a big build-up, because it is a big star.- Don't I always?
0:47:53 > 0:47:55- None of your usual rubbish. No, you don't.- Oh!
0:47:55 > 0:47:59- Embellish it a bit for him. Ian Carmichael.- Great.
0:48:09 > 0:48:13- Ian?- Yes.- Carmichael.- Yes. - Lovely to see you again.
0:48:13 > 0:48:16- And very nice to see you, Ernest.- You remember Eric?
0:48:16 > 0:48:19- I shall never forget Eric. - Hello, Ian.- How do you do?
0:48:19 > 0:48:21- Nice to see you again. - Excuse me one second.- Yes?
0:48:21 > 0:48:23Look, there's not going to be any, um, like last time?
0:48:23 > 0:48:26- What, the insults and everything?- No, no, no, no, no, I promise you that.
0:48:26 > 0:48:28I give you my word as a gentleman.
0:48:28 > 0:48:31Well, Eric, that's good enough for me.
0:48:31 > 0:48:33We have another fool here, folks.
0:48:33 > 0:48:34Another one. I never do.
0:48:34 > 0:48:36Ian, I'm looking forward... ERIC SQUAWKS
0:48:36 > 0:48:38I'm looking forward to having you on the show very much.
0:48:38 > 0:48:40- Well, it's very nice to be back. - Don't worry.
0:48:40 > 0:48:43- There'll be no insults, no insults. - I'm delighted to hear that.
0:48:43 > 0:48:46- He'll be delighted with this. - Oh, yes.
0:48:46 > 0:48:47Delighted with what?
0:48:47 > 0:48:51Ian, unbeknown to my partner here,
0:48:51 > 0:48:55I have been conducting a survey to find out who's been the most
0:48:55 > 0:48:59popular guest star ever to appear on one of our shows.
0:48:59 > 0:49:00I knew nothing about this, Ian.
0:49:00 > 0:49:03- It's a complete surprise to me. - Well, you don't mean that I...
0:49:05 > 0:49:08Oh, I say! Well, I...
0:49:08 > 0:49:16Ian Rupert Farquhar Carmichael, the British public has made
0:49:16 > 0:49:21its choice and I must say I agree with their choice wholeheartedly.
0:49:21 > 0:49:24They couldn't have given it to a better or nicer gentleman.
0:49:24 > 0:49:26Well, Eric, I don't know what to say.
0:49:26 > 0:49:28I mean, when I came here this evening,
0:49:28 > 0:49:33- I never thought for a moment that I was going...- Ian, please...
0:49:33 > 0:49:35No, no, I'm sorry, it's just that I'm...
0:49:35 > 0:49:39- Well, I'm a little bit moved, actually.- I'm very thrilled for you.
0:49:39 > 0:49:41Thank you, Ernest. It's quite unexpected, you know.
0:49:41 > 0:49:44- It's must be very exciting.- Well, it is a little exciting. Thank you.
0:49:44 > 0:49:47Oh, you're doing a grand job. Look at him, look at him.
0:49:47 > 0:49:50- Oh, marvellous, I'm proud of you, Eric.- Thank you, thank you.
0:49:50 > 0:49:52- Ian Carmichael... - HE BLOWS
0:49:53 > 0:49:59- Are you all right?- I'm sorry, sorry, yes, it's... Do carry on.
0:49:59 > 0:50:01Ian Carmichael, as I've said before,
0:50:01 > 0:50:03the great British public has made their choice.
0:50:03 > 0:50:04Will you take this award?
0:50:04 > 0:50:07Oh, wonderful, wonderful, it's marvellous.
0:50:12 > 0:50:14Well, thank you very much indeed.
0:50:14 > 0:50:17I mean, what does one say on an occasion like this?
0:50:17 > 0:50:20- I really am quite lost for words. - You don't have to say anything, Ian.
0:50:20 > 0:50:22Not a dickybird. Just take that award
0:50:22 > 0:50:25and on your way home drop it in at Peter Cushing's house.
0:50:28 > 0:50:33Glenda Jackson's second appearance on the show on Christmas Day 1972
0:50:33 > 0:50:35was a front-cloth classic.
0:50:35 > 0:50:37The best performers on the show
0:50:37 > 0:50:39were the ones who seemed to be enjoying themselves -
0:50:39 > 0:50:40relaxed, confident
0:50:40 > 0:50:43and able to take whatever Eric and Ern threw at them.
0:50:43 > 0:50:46I think Glenda does that brilliantly.
0:50:46 > 0:50:47And now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:50:47 > 0:50:49we come to the best part of the programme - me.
0:50:54 > 0:50:58But, seriously, folks, I'd now like to introduce to you the greatest star
0:50:58 > 0:51:02we've ever had on the show, the one and only Sir Laurence...
0:51:02 > 0:51:03He can't come.
0:51:07 > 0:51:10- What do you mean, he can't come. - He can't come.- What's he doing?
0:51:10 > 0:51:12Pantomime, Alhambra, Bradford.
0:51:12 > 0:51:15- Aladdin.- Aladdin.- Abanazar.
0:51:15 > 0:51:17Abanazar.
0:51:17 > 0:51:20- Well, what am I going to do?- Get off.
0:51:22 > 0:51:26- I can't do that, I've got to keep these people happy.- Exactly, get off.
0:51:26 > 0:51:29- I'm going now.- No, no, no, don't leave me. I've got to do something.
0:51:29 > 0:51:30Think of something.
0:51:30 > 0:51:33- They're all staring at me. - Stare back, they haven't paid.
0:51:33 > 0:51:36- I'm staring at them, it doesn't make any difference.- I tell you what.
0:51:36 > 0:51:39What? Do your Jimmy Cagney. Oh, that's a good idea.
0:51:39 > 0:51:42- That's a good idea, I'll do my Jimmy Cagney.- Do it now, do it now.
0:51:42 > 0:51:44AS JIMMY CAGNEY: You dirty rat, you.
0:51:50 > 0:51:51- Was that it?- Yeah.
0:51:51 > 0:51:53He didn't do any more than that,
0:51:53 > 0:51:55he got shot.
0:52:00 > 0:52:02Do your Eddie Cantor.
0:52:02 > 0:52:04Oh, that's a good idea.
0:52:04 > 0:52:09# If you knew Susie like I knew Susie. #
0:52:09 > 0:52:12LAUGHTER
0:52:12 > 0:52:15- Did he get shot after that? - I think so.
0:52:16 > 0:52:17- It hurts my voice.- Oh, yeah!
0:52:17 > 0:52:19Well, don't do anything that hurts your voice.
0:52:19 > 0:52:24Hey! I know something I haven't done for a long time.
0:52:24 > 0:52:25Oh, we all know that!
0:52:25 > 0:52:28LAUGHTER
0:52:30 > 0:52:32Keep going, son.
0:52:33 > 0:52:36A real superstar... Oh, never mind.
0:52:36 > 0:52:39I'll do my...
0:52:39 > 0:52:42I'll do my farmyard impressions.
0:52:42 > 0:52:44- What can I say?- What can you say?
0:52:44 > 0:52:47- You're not, are you?- Yes.- Great.
0:52:47 > 0:52:51- A stroll down memory lane. - Exactly.- Haven't done that for years.- A day on the farm.
0:52:51 > 0:52:54- A day on the farm. You're going to do it now?- Yeah.- I'm off then, I'll see you.- No!
0:52:54 > 0:52:57- Just stay and watch it, it's good. - I've seen you do it before...
0:52:57 > 0:53:00The other morning, I was walking through the countryside,
0:53:00 > 0:53:04but who should I see coming towards me but Rover the dog, "Woof, woof!" he went.
0:53:04 > 0:53:05LAUGHTER
0:53:07 > 0:53:10I said, "Down, Rover!
0:53:10 > 0:53:11"Down!"
0:53:13 > 0:53:17As Rover scurried away,
0:53:17 > 0:53:18I came to the farmyard gate.
0:53:18 > 0:53:22So I opened the farmyard gate ever so slowly.
0:53:22 > 0:53:25Aagggrrrr...
0:53:27 > 0:53:29Getting to the other side of the farmyard gate,
0:53:29 > 0:53:32I realised the code of the country, so I closed the gate after me.
0:53:32 > 0:53:34Eeehhhhhh...
0:53:34 > 0:53:36On the other side of the gate
0:53:36 > 0:53:40was a flock of sheep and they were all going, "Baaa, baaa!"
0:53:40 > 0:53:43APPLAUSE
0:53:43 > 0:53:46Thank you! They liked it!
0:53:46 > 0:53:49Thank you very much!
0:53:50 > 0:53:52You see!
0:53:53 > 0:53:55- There's something wrong with them! - What?
0:53:55 > 0:53:57- They usually boo when you get to the sheep.- No!
0:53:57 > 0:54:00They do, they go, "Boo, boo!" after your "Baa, baa!" "Boo, boo!"
0:54:00 > 0:54:02- I haven't finished yet.- You haven't?
0:54:02 > 0:54:04I haven't finished my impressions yet.
0:54:04 > 0:54:07- Coming across the farmyard was the farmer's wife.- Farmer's wife, yeah.
0:54:07 > 0:54:11- And she said...- Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt.
0:54:11 > 0:54:12Ooooh!
0:54:16 > 0:54:18That was a knockout!
0:54:20 > 0:54:23That was your best yet!
0:54:23 > 0:54:25- It was me!- It was me!
0:54:28 > 0:54:30- It was me!- It was you!
0:54:35 > 0:54:37There's a drunk just come on from the audience!
0:54:37 > 0:54:40Leave her to me. I'll get rid of her.
0:54:41 > 0:54:45Excuse me, miss, or madam, as the case may be.
0:54:45 > 0:54:47I'm afraid you can't stop here.
0:54:47 > 0:54:49Only professional artists are allowed up here
0:54:49 > 0:54:50in front of the cameras.
0:54:50 > 0:54:53Go back to your seat, this isn't The Generation Game, please.
0:54:57 > 0:54:59I am Glenda Jackson.
0:54:59 > 0:55:01HE LAUGHS
0:55:01 > 0:55:04They all say that!
0:55:04 > 0:55:08I was with Robert Morley last week, he said he was Glenda Jackson.
0:55:08 > 0:55:11The way he's walking, I think he is Glenda Jackson.
0:55:11 > 0:55:13I am not a member of the audience.
0:55:14 > 0:55:16- She could be right.- Yes.
0:55:16 > 0:55:18- She's sober.- Oh!
0:55:18 > 0:55:21Don't you remember me? Glenda!
0:55:23 > 0:55:25Glenda!
0:55:30 > 0:55:32Glenda!
0:55:32 > 0:55:34- Glenda...Jacklin!- No!
0:55:34 > 0:55:36The golfer!
0:55:36 > 0:55:38Great! Show us your putter.
0:55:38 > 0:55:42Glenda! It's so wonderful to see you again.
0:55:42 > 0:55:45What are you doing here, darling?
0:55:45 > 0:55:49- Well, I'm here to appear on your show.- On our show?
0:55:49 > 0:55:51Really, darling, there must be some mistake.
0:55:51 > 0:55:54I mean, you're not on our show this Christmas, really, you're not.
0:55:54 > 0:55:56But I'm in the Radio Times.
0:55:56 > 0:56:00Oh, you don't want to take any notice of what you see in there.
0:56:00 > 0:56:03Good Lord! They advertise garden sheds, but they're not in the show!
0:56:06 > 0:56:08- They're not in the show, are they? - I think so, in the finale.
0:56:08 > 0:56:12In the finale! They come down and open their own doors? In the finale!
0:56:12 > 0:56:15I'm very disappointed. I mean, yes, terribly.
0:56:15 > 0:56:18Couldn't we do one of your plays tonight?
0:56:18 > 0:56:21- Well, there is a possibility.- Don't fall for it. She's over the hill.
0:56:21 > 0:56:23- Over the hill? - This kid's over the hill.
0:56:23 > 0:56:25She hasn't won an Oscar for four weeks.
0:56:25 > 0:56:26I don't know what to say.
0:56:26 > 0:56:30Of course you flaming don't, cos he's written nothing for you, that's why.
0:56:30 > 0:56:33- I mean, all you actors are the same. - No, you're no good without the script.
0:56:33 > 0:56:34No, and he's no good with one!
0:56:34 > 0:56:38LAUGHTER
0:56:41 > 0:56:44The way everyone responds to Eric going off script there
0:56:44 > 0:56:47sums up the spirit of the show beautifully.
0:56:47 > 0:56:49Sadly, that's where the curtain has to fall
0:56:49 > 0:56:52on our look at the curtain that never rose.
0:56:52 > 0:56:56It was just a bit of tan coloured cloth, really. A backdrop.
0:56:56 > 0:57:01A blank canvas. But it was a great deal more than that.
0:57:01 > 0:57:03It was a link between past and present.
0:57:03 > 0:57:08It was where Eric and Ernie came from, where they were most at home.
0:57:08 > 0:57:12In front of that curtain, they were still Eric Bartholomew
0:57:12 > 0:57:17and Ernest Wiseman, at the Liverpool Empire or the Blackpool ABC.
0:57:17 > 0:57:21It kept the spirit of variety with all its energy and graft
0:57:21 > 0:57:25and sheer silliness alive right into the '80s,
0:57:25 > 0:57:29but it never felt like that to the audience.
0:57:29 > 0:57:32The shows weren't stuck in the past, they were fresh and contemporary.
0:57:32 > 0:57:35It just felt natural.
0:57:35 > 0:57:39As natural as Eric's ad-libbing and Ernie's fawning.
0:57:39 > 0:57:44And after all, you really couldn't see the join. Good night!
0:57:44 > 0:57:48# When no-one else can understand me
0:57:49 > 0:57:53# When everything I do is wrong
0:57:54 > 0:57:58# You give me hope and consolation
0:57:59 > 0:58:03# You give me strength to carry on
0:58:03 > 0:58:09# And you're always there to lend a hand
0:58:09 > 0:58:14# In everything I do
0:58:14 > 0:58:19# That's the wonder
0:58:19 > 0:58:23# The wonder of you
0:58:23 > 0:58:26# The wonder of you
0:58:26 > 0:58:31# And when you smile the world is brighter
0:58:31 > 0:58:35# You touch my hand and I'm a king
0:58:37 > 0:58:41# Your kiss to me is worth a fortune
0:58:43 > 0:58:47# Your love for me is everything
0:58:47 > 0:58:52# I guess I'll never know the reason why
0:58:52 > 0:58:58# You love me like you do
0:58:58 > 0:59:02# That's the wonder
0:59:02 > 0:59:09# The wonder of you. #