0:00:02 > 0:00:03Now, it's all beginning to make sense.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09You realise what this means, don't you?
0:00:09 > 0:00:10No, what does it mean?
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Well, they'll never get away with it.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Of course, it's a long shot, but it might just work.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Anyway...
0:00:27 > 0:00:30forensic will tell us.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Morecambe and Wise, Britain's leading men of comedy...
0:01:12 > 0:01:18In my opinion, Ern, you could be another George Bernard Priestley.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Shaw.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Positive.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23..Heroes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:28..Villains...
0:01:28 > 0:01:31One of you two is the notorious outlaw, Dick Turpin.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37It's him.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38..Lovers...
0:01:38 > 0:01:41You are so handsome...
0:01:41 > 0:01:44so virile...
0:01:44 > 0:01:46so young.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- Ern?- What?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Am I in the right play?
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Yes!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53..Idiots...
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- How are you, sir? - How nice to see you.
0:01:58 > 0:02:03Good evening and welcome to Morecambe and Wise and their leading men.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06The stars, screen legends and matinee idols
0:02:06 > 0:02:09who were brave enough or perhaps foolish enough
0:02:09 > 0:02:11to play alongside them.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Do my eyes deceive me...
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Oh, yes.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Yes, this is almost an honour.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21This is a man who is having trouble with his eyes.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Charmed.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28- Be honest, what do you think?- Even more beautiful than I had imagined.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Keep your hand on your holiday money tonight.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- It is my duty to serve you, sir. - Thank you very much. You married?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Do you think if I was married my wife would let me
0:02:37 > 0:02:40appear in a rotten play like this?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- No.- Well, I am, and she does.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47What a magnificent suit of armour.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- What is he talking about?!- You are supposed to be wearing armour!
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I haven't got any flaming armour, have I?!
0:02:56 > 0:02:59I wouldn't be able to wear it anyway, it's too dangerous, you can't cough.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Salute!
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Gentlemen, you must realise...
0:03:18 > 0:03:20..that India is growing.
0:03:22 > 0:03:2619,000 babies are born here every day.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27We do our best, sir.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33In a few moments, I shall leave this wretched place
0:03:33 > 0:03:38but you have to stay here for another 13 programmes.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44What attracted such talent was the work of one of Britain's
0:03:44 > 0:03:50greatest playwrights. Not Shakespeare, not Shaw, not Coward.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Wise.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- Hello, Oscar.- Oscar?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Oscar Wilde.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I'm not interested in pop singers.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02I'm an author.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- What have you been doing in the other room?- Perusing my synopsis.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Well, every man needs a hobby.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09This is the story of a man.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13A man respected by his fellow men
0:04:13 > 0:04:16and adored by the ladies for his charm and wit
0:04:16 > 0:04:18and elegant good looks.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20A man of dignity,
0:04:20 > 0:04:24a man of great education like what no other men had got.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Rocky felt a tingle of excitement as his executive jet
0:04:32 > 0:04:33touched down in Amsterdam.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36It was his first visit to Italy.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45The plays what Ernie wrote became the talk of the town, generating the
0:04:45 > 0:04:48kind of critical acclaim that had the biggest names
0:04:48 > 0:04:50clamouring for a role.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55I, sir, am Superintendent...
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Board and Lodgings,
0:04:57 > 0:04:59master of disguise.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- Who is it?- You didn't recognise me there for a moment, did you, sir?
0:05:04 > 0:05:05- No, I did not. - HE SHOUTS
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Painful, those things.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08And who, may I ask, sir, are you?
0:05:08 > 0:05:12I, sir, am the right honourable Sir Hardly Touched.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- I am very sorry I am late but it is my own stupid fault.- Oh, is it?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- Oh, really?- I was enjoying a roundelay at the Blue Boar Inn
0:05:20 > 0:05:23when I slipped and twisted a madrigal.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25He's doing all my lines! I should be saying all that!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Not only that, he's masking me as well.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- What could be worse than a little verse?- This is it.- Yes.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34The King stood on the burning deck, the men all shouted monarchs...
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- Just a minute!- Now, wait.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Your name, your rank and your number.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- BARELY INTELLIGIBLE VENTRILOQUISM: - 242084.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46UNINTELLIGIBLE VENTRILOQUISM
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Very interesting.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Commander, you seem to doubt whether this is Captain Hammond.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- There is one sure way of finding out, sir.- Ah, yes.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Ah!
0:06:01 > 0:06:04It is Captain Hammond. I beg your pardon, Captain.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Mr Holmes, I shall do everything in my power to help solve this
0:06:10 > 0:06:12appalling crime.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Is it true that 12 months ago you were arrested
0:06:16 > 0:06:18and convicted of being...
0:06:18 > 0:06:20the Bermondsey Flasher?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22HE WHISTLES
0:06:22 > 0:06:26How dare you, Mr Holmes, for the accusation is totally untrue
0:06:26 > 0:06:29and a dreadful indictment as to my integrity.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Holmes, what does a flasher get when he's caught?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33I would say, in your case, Watson, a fine
0:06:33 > 0:06:35under the Trades Description Act.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40It was writer Eddie Braben who created this persona for Ernie -
0:06:40 > 0:06:43the pompous, deluded, semi-literate playwright.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Well, Master Peter?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- Most likely.- Good lad.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I'm not kidding you, this is the most difficult play
0:06:49 > 0:06:50- I've ever had to write.- Really?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52It's taken me nearly 20 minutes.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Braben's stroke of genius altered the dynamic between Morecambe
0:06:58 > 0:07:01and Wise and took the comedy to new heights.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06Ernie wrote terrible plays and Eric wouldn't hear a word against them.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- Brilliant, that. - You like it?- As always.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- And you know what you are to me?- No.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14You are the Leonardo da Vinci of the felt tip.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Think so?
0:07:15 > 0:07:21Ordinary folk like myself can only sit and stare in astonishment.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Well, I don't go in for self analysis,
0:07:24 > 0:07:29but I'm just grateful and very humble that I'm a genius.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31True.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I must admit it, the Brothers Grimm were good,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36but by golly, Ernie, you are grimmer.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38LAUGHTER
0:07:38 > 0:07:42He would, however, try everything in his power to ruin them.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44APPLAUSE
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Hello!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- Mr Greene! Mr Greene! Are you there? - What happened?- I don't know!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Something seems to have gone wrong.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I said one word and the curtains closed on me.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04You were very good. Outstanding.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Congratulations. The finest bit of acting I've seen in years.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Short, and straight to the point.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19Another one for the archives, Ern. Who is the guest on next week?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21It's you, isn't it?
0:08:21 > 0:08:25You! You closed those curtains, didn't you?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27You are deliberately trying to ruin my play!
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Ern, of course I am!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Well, get off!
0:08:32 > 0:08:34LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- BOTH:- How come we sighted the French fleet?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Good heavens!
0:08:46 > 0:08:47THEY BOTH COUGH
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- BOTH:- Excuse me.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53By all that's holy, 'tis the beautiful Lady Hamilton.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Hamilton.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57LAUGHTER
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Hold it, hold it.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02That's very difficult when you've only got one arm.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- First line of the play, and it's gone wrong.- Already?- Already.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Who's done it? Who's gone wrong? Is it you, son?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I wouldn't dream of doing anything, darling.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- I haven't even spoken a word. - It's not him.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Why are you dressed as Lord Nelson? - Exactly.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Don't stand there looking demure.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Tell him - why are you dressed as Lord Nelson?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- Well...- Not her! You!
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Ah! Yes! There is a reason.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31And what's that reason?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- You remember this afternoon in the flat?- Yes.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- This lady is too much for you, Ern.- Damn!
0:09:35 > 0:09:36I'm here to help you.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Oh, come on. Hurry up, hurry up.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- I'm waiting to get to the passionate bit.- See what I mean?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44This one's on brewer's yeast. You've got no chance, I'm telling you.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48- You are making me look a right nit! - There you are! You see?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- You're making him look a right nit! - Well?- He's deeply hurt.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Well, it's his truncheon. What do you mean his...
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- What do you mean his truncheon? - He put it down the wrong trouser leg!
0:09:57 > 0:10:02- Get away.- I noticed that when he got off that bike and placated himself.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- In jeopardy.- Have you finished? - Hey?- Have you finished?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Yes. I've ruined it all for you, haven't I?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10You've spoilt the whole thing, and you've ruined it completely.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11HE LAUGHS
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- Lovely, isn't it? Well, he works well. He's lovely. - I'm sorry about this, Edward.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17In some ways, the most important leading man
0:10:17 > 0:10:20in Eric and Ernie's life was Eddie Braben himself.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24He was brought on to the show in 1969 by Bill Cotton,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27head of variety at the BBC.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Eddie had until then been writing for Ken Dodd,
0:10:31 > 0:10:36but he was used to writing gags - one-liners - rather than sketches.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- Are you all enjoying yourselves? - AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Why? What are you doing?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we have a fabulous show for you.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47We've got artists from all the four corners of the Labour Exchange.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50We've got the famous Welsh tenor, Chewed Abutty.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54And we have a wonderful Indian sword-swallower, Ram Disdown.
0:10:54 > 0:10:59Um, we also have a remarkable novelty act, the Three Lumps.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00You'll love her.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05And we also have a man, a man who balances - balances on a 40ft pole.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09One slip and you'll say, "How's that for a lolly ice?" So...
0:11:09 > 0:11:12The Morecambe & Wise Show was a different beast,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15and no-one was sure it would work.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Eddie Braben had much in common with Morecambe and Wise.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Born and raised in Liverpool, Eddie ran a fruit and veg store
0:11:22 > 0:11:24and wrote jokes in his spare time,
0:11:24 > 0:11:27sending them to the acts he saw at the Liverpool Empire.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31The first person to pay him for one was Charlie Chester.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36After that, cabbages began to lose some of their allure.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Eric and Ernie's previous writers, Sid Green and Dick Hills,
0:11:40 > 0:11:42were privately educated schoolmasters,
0:11:42 > 0:11:47and Bill Cotton had a hunch that despite being a gag man,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Eddie Braben would fit the bill.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Eddie himself, however, wasn't convinced,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56telling the boys he didn't think he was the writer for them.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58It could have ended there,
0:11:58 > 0:12:03but they persuaded him to do three shows, just to give it a chance.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Eddie agreed, and the rest is history.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Some have sorrows to hide from.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Some are fugitives from justice.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13They're all trying to forget their troubles, like what I am.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15LAUGHTER
0:12:15 > 0:12:20My dear father murdered. Whomest killest thouest, and whyest?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23LAUGHTER
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I've been searching for my fiancee, Lydia.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33I've searched the four corners of the world, and many, many other places too.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36But she seems to have disappeared without trace.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39I've been searching for her everywhere.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42In my aeroplane, what has just crashed.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44LAUGHTER
0:12:44 > 0:12:49It was Eddie's idea to include the plays what Ernie wrote,
0:12:49 > 0:12:53and producer John Ammonds to invite big-name guests to take part.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Their first show as a team, and Ernie's first play,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00was King Arthur And The Knights Of The Round Table,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03starring Mr Peter Cushing.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Sit down, Peter! Enjoy yourself.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08The old entree in a few minutes.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Sir Eric, what would you like to eat?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- Suckling pig and chips. - Suckling pig and chips?- Yes.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- A goblet!- A goblet?- A goblet.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- Just a reminder.- Sir Eric.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- What a fine actor this boy is. - It's a girl.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- Is it?- Yes. - Could have fooled me from here.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- You must be glad to be back from your travels.- Could have called.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31I must ask you, Sir Eric, tell me about your doings.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33LAUGHTER
0:13:37 > 0:13:42Well, do I tell him, or do I just get up and go?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- CROAKY VOICE:- What did His Majesty ask you?
0:13:45 > 0:13:49IMITATES WISE'S VOICE: He wants to know about me doings!
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- What news of Carlisle?- They won 3-1!
0:13:54 > 0:13:57The second goal was a beauty, I'm told.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59One of the finest ever scored on that ground!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Mr Wise, I am sorry, but I just cannot continue.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- I have my reputation as an actor to consider. - Stay, stay, King Arthur.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- What's all this temperament business? - Stay in character, please.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Do me a favour - tell him we go all the way through a sketch.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12We don't cut it up, you know, like you do in films,
0:14:12 > 0:14:15with those little guitar picks and everything. I've seen it.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- Don't walk too close. He'll bite your neck.- OK.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23It was a shambles, but a success. A success because it was a shambles.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26And crucially, Cushing understood that.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- My career is in ruins anyway. - Yes, I know.- This new business...
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- Now, leave it to me, sire. - Hurry up! Get to the plot!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Now, listen, I have some very deadly poison placed in this ring.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40I will put it in this goblet, which is his drink - Sir Eric's drink.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Yes. He'll be unconscious for two weeks.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Anything, so long as we can get rid of him.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48- Please divert his attention, Your Majesty.- Sir Eric!- Yes!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50What?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52What thinkest thou of my gown?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Can you get it off while I'm in shot?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- Sir Eric, you come and sit down.- Thank you.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- Am I forgiven for that outburst?- Yes. - I'm sorry about that.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Don't worry about it. You're doing quite well for an amateur.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- Carry on.- May I suggest a toast? - Certainly.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I would like to propose a toast to His Majesty, King Arthur.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Hallelujah! ALL: Hallelujah!
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- Right. His Majesty.- His Majesty.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- King Arthur!- King Arthur. - But...- Hey?- Hey?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27I would like to make the first toast to my lady, Queen Guinevere.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- BOTH: Queen Guinevere. - That's a lovely name.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32A nicer woman never drew blood.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- BOTH: Queen Guinevere. - Queen Guinevere.- But! But!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I'D like to make some toast.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- Propose a toast?- Yes.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48To, uh...to that naked lady over there!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- Naked lady? Where?- Over there. - I can't see a naked lady.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- Can you see her?- No. - You've got to be quick.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Just a quick flash every now and again.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- Her Majesty!- I think I'm the only one who sees it.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- Her Majesty, the Queen. - The Queen.- The Queen.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05SHE SCREAMS
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- Got a deep voice, hasn't he? - Excuse me, sire.- Certainly.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Your Majesty, may I propose a toast to your bravest knights?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- To my bravest knights?- Yes.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22- What are we drinking to?- We're drinking to his bravest knights.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- Oh, good idea.- Yes. Here we go.- To the bravest knights.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27To the bravest knights.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- Must take me for a right mug. - Yes, it's true.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37To my bravest knights!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Chablis, isn't it? Chablis?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47HE YELLS
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Well, that's two down, and two to go.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56You thought that I was going to be poisoned, didn't you, lad?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59HE YELPS
0:16:59 > 0:17:01HE GROANS
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Come, Watson.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04HE YELPS
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- Come, Watson. - HE YELPS
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Now! Come, Watson.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13That is the finest disguise you ever wore. Let's go.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19That famous sketch also spawned this long-running gag.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I am Peter Cushing, and I was in your show a few weeks ago.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I'm sorry, no.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- No, because we've never worked Carnarvon, have we?- No, we haven't.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30- I was in your show.- Yes. - And I have not yet been paid.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- Sounds like one of our shows. - Yes, it does.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Very sorry to have to take this attitude,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- but I've come for my money.- Yes.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39You keep fobbing me off with excuses every time
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I ask for payment. I demand to be reimbursed.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- Well, I'm not a medical man, but I do know a fellow in Scotland.- No.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48See, we've never worked together before. We've never seen you before.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51If only I could find Mr Wilkins, the chief accountant,
0:17:51 > 0:17:55- because he's got my money. - Mr Wilkins, the chief accountant? Oh, he's just along there.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- Just along there, yes. - Thanks very much. Goodbye.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Hello. I don't know if you remember me. I'm Peter Cushing.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06- Have you come for your money?- Yes. - No, we don't remember you at all.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11You see, I appeared on one of your shows four years ago,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14and I still haven't been paid.
0:18:14 > 0:18:20Ah, yes. Well, I don't seem to remember you at all, Mr Cushing.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- Edward, so they roped you in too. - Peter, why didn't you warn me?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- I haven't been paid yet. - Nor have I been paid!
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- And I haven't been paid yet either. - And I haven't been paid!
0:18:30 > 0:18:33So I suggest we all go look for Mr Wilkins.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- Have you any idea where he might be? - Through that door!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- Through that door.- Come on, come on.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- Mr Wilkins!- Mr Wilkins! - Mr Wilkins.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41ALL SHOUT
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Mr Wilkins!
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- Do I know you, young sir? - I am Cushing.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Well, that's a nasty habit for a start.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- The one that worked in London?- Yes!
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- Your face looks familiar.- Yes. - Vaguely familiar, yes.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- I've come for my money. - WAILS
0:18:59 > 0:19:01You mustn't say things like that.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- He's got to last me another three months yet.- Just a minute!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- That's the best bit of news I've heard yet.- That man is ours.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- What are you talking about? - You owe us at least 50 guineas each.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Get off, get off. - We've all done shows for these people, and we haven't been paid.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- What do you mean, you haven't been paid?- Take no notice.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18If you work for these two, you are ruined for life.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- They never pay you.- We'll soon see to that. Come on, lads. We'll go and have a clear out.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- They never learn, do they? - No, they never learn.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Eddie Braben's trial period quickly became permanent,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33and Ernie's plays a regular fixture.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37BOTH: Heave! Heave! Heave! Heave! Heave.
0:19:37 > 0:19:43- Good Lord! The tomb of Tutankhamen. - I don't like this place.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- It's horrible!- It is, isn't it?- Yes.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48We played a place like this not so long ago, didn't we?
0:19:48 > 0:19:53- The Egyptian empire.- No, it was the Liverpool Empire, to be exact.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55The greatest testament yet discovered
0:19:55 > 0:19:58to the majesty that was Egypt.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Sir Robert, over here.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Hieroglyphics. I wonder what those symbols mean.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07May I?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11You can translate them for us?
0:20:11 > 0:20:12What?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14LAUGHTER
0:20:14 > 0:20:16What!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- You know what the writing means?- Oh!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23That's a bird.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Percy Edwards.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- Percy Edwards.- Percy Edwards?
0:20:28 > 0:20:34- Beer?- No, no. Bass. Bass with a Y. - Bassey.- Bassey.- What's it all mean?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Shirley Bassey, you see.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38- I thought that's what it means.- Yes.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Percy Edwards. Shirley Bassey.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Percy Thrower.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Show Of The Week.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Weather forecast.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Clothes down.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50LAUGHTER
0:20:52 > 0:20:55You've been looking at the 14th-century BC edition
0:20:55 > 0:20:56of the Radio Times.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00With the same pictures.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- Amazing!- Sir Robert, over here.- Yes.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05This may be the clue for which we are searching.
0:21:05 > 0:21:06That is true.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08CREAKING
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- It can't be.- What are they?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13They're his mementos.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17They've kept well, haven't they?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Well, he can't have got very far. He must be here somewhere.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24He can't have got far without his mementos.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- This is very unusual. - It is. There's three of them.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32Famous guests were delighted to be cast against type.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Here's Edward Woodward,
0:21:34 > 0:21:39at the time famous for his betrayal of the cold-blooded hit man Callan.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42No, I think I'll start with this gentleman over here.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44That's a woman.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Oh, I'm sorry. I've been on nights.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49LAUGHTER
0:21:51 > 0:21:53That's the ticket!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- I thought I'd just put that in there.- Yes, good stunt.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02I'll get me own back. Don't worry. All right!
0:22:02 > 0:22:07- I'll bring you back to life. - Now, sir. Now, sir, if I may make so bold...
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Third door on the left. You can't miss it.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15You haven't got a lot this week. We haven't got a lot to do this week?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Have you? We'll get you a book in a minute.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Could I have your name, sir?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Don't you like your own? Aren't you happy with yours?
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Edward Woodward. Very difficult to say. Edward Woodward...
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- Sir, perhaps I ought to have your fingerprints.- Certainly!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30HE LAUGHS
0:22:30 > 0:22:33He can't move now. He's paralysed all down one side!
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- May I just have a word with you privately?- Yes, sir.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37I know I've only got a little bit.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Yes, well, I mean, we will only take your word for that.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- But Mr Morecambe keeps making me lose my flow.- Yes.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Well, we can still only take your word for that.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48You dropped your thing.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- I do apologise for all this, really, I do.- Oh, stop.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- What's the matter with you? Send him home!- I can't do that.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56We don't need him! Don't forget I can do my impressions, you know.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- We don't really want big actors. - What impressions?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- Well, that, for a start. Look at that!- What impression is that?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Sooty with no clothes on.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- How's our position, Christian?- I'd rather not. I'm just on my tea.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- The entire crew is looking very ugly.- We have a very ugly crew.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- ALL: Boom, boom, boom. - You are trying my patience.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Let me put it this way, sunshine.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- There's going to be trouble.- Trouble?
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- Trouble?- Trouble! Right here in River City. City. City.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25# That rhymes with 'fool' Let's start with 'fool'! #
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Oh, I get it.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Now, look here, Christine.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30No, no, Christian.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34The ship's doctor did a marvellous job.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Except when the boat goes to leeward.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Hence the limp.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Your whole attitude is an insult to our very kind captain.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45- I think it's the hat.- Yes.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48And I think you are trying to turn the men against me,
0:23:48 > 0:23:50whereas it should be your duty to keep them happy.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54I try and keep them happy, sir! Didn't I have them on deck all last night singing sea shanties?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- Yes, I heard them. - What more do you want?
0:23:57 > 0:24:03Christian, "E, I, adio, the captain is a berk"
0:24:03 > 0:24:06never was a sea shanty.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10It was a brave soul who took on Morecambe & Wise comedy,
0:24:10 > 0:24:13and Arthur Lowe was a very brave soul.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Rehearsing his part as Captain Bligh,
0:24:16 > 0:24:21he ignored a written line and threw in a Humphrey Bogart impression.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Eric loved it, and it stayed in.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26There was no place for egos on this show.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29I know my crew, and they are behind me to a man.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Only one thing to do, see.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Just one thing.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40We've got to put it to the test.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- IMITATES BOGART:- That's how it's going to be, sweetheart.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49APPLAUSE
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Very well, sir. Fair enough, that.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Audiences grew and grew as the shows got more confident.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01And even the most distinguished actors
0:25:01 > 0:25:04would cheerfully line up to be ridiculed.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I made a film once...
0:25:06 > 0:25:08About prisoners of war.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- I don't know whether you remember it.- Rubbish.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12It was called The Colditz Story.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- No, I don't remember it. No. - Rubbish.- No?
0:25:14 > 0:25:18- No, I don't.- It was quite a big success.- Oh, was it really?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- Yes.- It was the biggest load of rubbish I've ever seen in my life.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- I played the senior escape artist. - Did you?
0:25:23 > 0:25:27- Well, mine is a completely original story. - Did you get killed in the end?- What?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Did you get killed in the end?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- No.- Well, you will in Ernie's.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Because if the Germans can't get you, the audience do.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Well, Bill, you know the words, so...
0:25:37 > 0:25:39You don't mind if I call you Bill?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- No, not at all. - You can call me Mr Wise.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44- Edward, this is Eric Morecambe. This is Mr Edward Woodward.- How are you?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Very nice to meet you. Very nice.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49You want to get it out and give us a tune?
0:25:49 > 0:25:50LAUGHTER
0:25:50 > 0:25:52- Get what out? - Well, that's up to you.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Very pleased to know you. Of course, I've got all your records.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Oh, really? My LP is out, you know?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00You can get two years for that, you know?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03LAUGHTER
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Peter, Peter, I'm very, very sorry about this.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09This must be very embarrassing for you.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12We shouldn't ridicule you like this. I do apologise.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17- As a matter of fact, you are my favourite star.- You crawler!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22When that telegram came from him this morning begging for work,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25you said to me, "Peter Cushing?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27"Who's Peter Cushing?" you said.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- Hello, Francis.- Hello, Ernie. - It's nice to see you again.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- It's nice to be here. - I'm one of your favourites.- Oh.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Francis Matthews was a regular guest.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40They'd met in the mid-1950s,
0:26:40 > 0:26:44when Francis told Eric he'd seen them on the telly and loved it.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46"It's rubbish," replied Eric.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48"We'll never do television again."
0:26:48 > 0:26:51They were talking about Running Wild,
0:26:51 > 0:26:55the boys' disastrous first stab at television.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59But they did come back, and they remained great friends with Francis.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Which really shines through in this sketch.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07- You know...? - YELPS
0:27:07 > 0:27:13- This is a very strange house. - Really? How do you mean?
0:27:13 > 0:27:18- Last year...- Yes? - Somebody was poisoned here.- What?
0:27:20 > 0:27:25- What happened?- What happened? - Well, the main suspect...- Yes.- Yes.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- ..was the butler.- Ah.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36They suspected the butler? What had he done? What's it all about?
0:27:36 > 0:27:42The butler came in carrying three glasses of whisky and a glass of milk.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Really?
0:27:43 > 0:27:47And which particular drink was the poison in?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49It was the milk.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Or was it the whisky?
0:27:59 > 0:28:03- No, no! It was definitely the milk. - Definitely.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05- Cheers.- Cheers.
0:28:07 > 0:28:14- The hot milk was for the wee lassie. - Hold on, sir.- Hold it.- You drink it.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17- So, you think the milk is poisoned? - I hope so.- So do I.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Could take a week.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27HE LAUGHS
0:28:30 > 0:28:32HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:28:36 > 0:28:38HE GROANS
0:28:41 > 0:28:4611 years later, Nigel Hawthorne was a guest on the show.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48But you can't keep a good leg joke down,
0:28:48 > 0:28:50and if it was funny the first time, well...
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Why don't you let Hawthorne tell you his side of the story?
0:28:53 > 0:28:55- What a good idea. Sit down, Hawthorne.- Sit down.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57- Thank you, gentlemen. - Tell me exactly...- Yes.
0:28:57 > 0:29:01- And in your own words...- Yes. - Exactly what happened this morning.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Well, I brought my master his breakfast at eight o'clock.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11Or was it nine?
0:29:12 > 0:29:13No, it was eight.
0:29:15 > 0:29:16Well, it might have been, um...
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Um..
0:29:18 > 0:29:19Um...
0:29:25 > 0:29:27No, it was nine.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32And what time exactly did your master die?
0:29:32 > 0:29:37Well, I think he died at 10 o'clock.
0:29:42 > 0:29:46Or...it might have been...
0:29:49 > 0:29:51No, it was 10.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54Yes, gentlemen, I think that's it.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07APPLAUSE
0:30:09 > 0:30:16As you know, this is a land of strange customs.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20- And it is my painful duty... - Yes, sir.
0:30:20 > 0:30:27..to inform you that this great country, its customs...
0:30:27 > 0:30:30..and its traditions...
0:30:30 > 0:30:34..are facing a grave danger.
0:30:34 > 0:30:38- You don't mean...?- Oh, yes, I do. Mohamed Khan.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46Eric Porter was one of the best-known actors
0:30:46 > 0:30:50in the country following the huge success of The Forsyte Saga.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53He won a BAFTA award for best actor,
0:30:53 > 0:30:58but being asked onto the 1970 Morecambe & Wise Christmas show
0:30:58 > 0:31:01was, for him, the real prize.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03Oh, it's good to be back home again.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06Welcome home, Father.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09My dear, you grow prettier every day.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11Thank you, Father.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14Did you bring a present back from Liverpool, Father?
0:31:14 > 0:31:17As a matter of fact, I brought something most unusual back from Liverpool.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20Whilst there, I chanced upon this wild gypsy youth
0:31:20 > 0:31:24- without folk of his own nor roof over his head.- A gypsy?
0:31:24 > 0:31:25Father, you don't mean...?
0:31:25 > 0:31:29Yes, I brought him back here to Wuthering Heights to live with us as one of the family.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32- Father, are you out of your mind? - I think I must be.
0:31:32 > 0:31:37- I want to see the gypsy, Father. - And so you shall, Catherine.
0:31:37 > 0:31:38Heathcliff!
0:31:38 > 0:31:41Heathcliff! Come on in, you wild gypsy, you.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:52 > 0:31:54Evening, all.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58I'm sorry I'm a bit late.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01But my caravan was towed away four times by the council this morning.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06And if you want your fortune told, buy some of me pegs.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09- Heathcliff, welcome to Wuthering Heights.- Very kind.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12I'd like you to meet my beautiful daughter, Catherine.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Hello, Catherine. How are you?
0:32:14 > 0:32:17I've heard a lot about you from two sailors in Portsmouth.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20They sent a message. "Keep up the good work".
0:32:20 > 0:32:24- Oh, oh, please, tell my fortune. - Certainly.
0:32:24 > 0:32:28You get it in the end, but we haven't figured out which end yet.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30- What is all this about?- Good Lord!
0:32:30 > 0:32:33Cross my palm with a £5 note.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35You know what it says here, young man?
0:32:35 > 0:32:37I'll tell you.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40It says you're going to be offered to do a television show
0:32:40 > 0:32:43with two of the finest comedians that have ever lived. Don't take it.
0:32:43 > 0:32:44They will ruin your career.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47Father, throw this interloper out of this house!
0:32:47 > 0:32:50- Now, well, I'll have none of that talk.- Hello, Heathcliff.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52You said that without moving your lips.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57- That was my daughter, Catherine. - And you can do it as well.
0:32:57 > 0:32:58Hello, Heathcliff!
0:32:58 > 0:33:01Don't stand out in the yard. Come into the workshop.
0:33:01 > 0:33:07- Oh, Heathcliff! You are all man. - I can't help it.
0:33:07 > 0:33:11- Let me run my fingers through your black gypsy locks.- Certainly!
0:33:11 > 0:33:13Help yourself!
0:33:15 > 0:33:17Keep it as a tea cosy.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20Every time you pour one, think of me - Heathcliff.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23- I want you to be happy here. - I'm sure I will.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25- I shall treat you as my own son. - Of course.
0:33:25 > 0:33:30- Put those spoons back.- Sorry, Dad. - Father, I am your only son.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33And I will not be thwarted of my rightful inheritance
0:33:33 > 0:33:35by that gypsy vagabond there.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37Hold on. I nearly forgot. Hold on.
0:33:37 > 0:33:41- Heathcliff cares nothing for worldly goods.- That's true.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44- Who wants worldly goods? - He's just a simple gypsy youth.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47Nobody more simple than I am. I can tell you that.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50All he wants to do is bring some gypsy sunshine into our lives.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53Gypsy sunshine into our lives. That is all I want to do. Gypsy sunshine.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55Carry that for me, will you?
0:33:57 > 0:34:00LAUGHTER
0:34:03 > 0:34:09Between 1965 and 1967, Morecambe and Wise made three feature films.
0:34:09 > 0:34:14None are now regarded as classics, but they were very popular.
0:34:14 > 0:34:20The first of them, The Intelligence Men, co-starred their next guest, William Franklyn.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22I don't know about you, but I'm off.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25Oh, no you're not. You're both going to keep your eyes on Petrovna.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27On the other side of the stage.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30- Right.- No, not across the stage, go behind the scenery.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34Behind the scenery, not across the stage! Idiot! Idiot!
0:34:35 > 0:34:37The killer is definitely still here.
0:34:37 > 0:34:42- You cover the auditorium, I'll watch in the wings.- Righto.
0:34:42 > 0:34:43At the time of this sketch,
0:34:43 > 0:34:47he was better known as the voice of a tonic water commercial.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49- SHE WHISPERS:- "Sh! You know who."
0:34:49 > 0:34:52You... You got my message?
0:34:54 > 0:34:56No.
0:34:56 > 0:35:00I understand somebody needs the help of the three brave musketeers.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11I think it's acting.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14- You're not sure though, are you?- No.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16We think it's acting, but we're not sure.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19The Queen has had an indiscretion.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24That nine months went very quickly.
0:35:26 > 0:35:27The Queen is here?!
0:35:31 > 0:35:33- What's that?- I think it's tension.
0:35:35 > 0:35:36Do it to me, will you?
0:35:36 > 0:35:41I'm sure you're both anxious to meet Her Majesty.
0:35:41 > 0:35:42No.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45- Good, then follow me.- Certainly!
0:35:45 > 0:35:47Over here!
0:35:47 > 0:35:51Your Majesty, the Three Musketeers at your service.
0:35:51 > 0:35:52- Your Majesty!- Mrs King.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56Please be seated.
0:36:00 > 0:36:05I understand that Your Majesty has a problem what only us Musketeers can solve.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09- I am in love with the Duke of Buckingham.- Sacre bleu! - The Duke of Buckingham?!
0:36:09 > 0:36:12He's a married man with 15 children and a walking stick!
0:36:14 > 0:36:17Does your husband, the King, know about this?
0:36:17 > 0:36:19If the evil Cardinal Richelieu has his way,
0:36:19 > 0:36:23the King will know soon enough, and who's got his hand on my knee?
0:36:26 > 0:36:28Sorry about that.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31- That scoundrel Riche-o-lo! - The problem is this.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34Some time ago the King gave Her Majesty 12 diamonds as a present.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37- Before the Duke of Buckingham left for England...- Yes?
0:36:37 > 0:36:39..I gave him a token of my love.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41I bet he slept well on the boat.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47With the ladies, Eric and Ernie couldn't help but flirt,
0:36:47 > 0:36:52but when it came to their male guests, they went in for a sort of verbal duelling.
0:36:52 > 0:36:57It was all jousting one-upmanship and thrusting double entendres.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00- And there's a bit of a storm brewing up.- I've got a dinghy.
0:37:00 > 0:37:01Haven't we all?
0:37:05 > 0:37:08- Mine will hold three.- Amazing!
0:37:09 > 0:37:13- Your Majesty, how did you get into the castle? - Ah. I entered by the goose gate.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15You took a chance.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17Ah, but I am sorely grieved.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19I'm not surprised.
0:37:19 > 0:37:20Has your equipment arrived?
0:37:20 > 0:37:22My equipment arrived when I was 18.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27Igor, tonight I'm about to fill one of my lifelong ambitions.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29You dirty devil!
0:37:29 > 0:37:33Now, I think you know the position.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35I know them all. I've read the book.
0:37:36 > 0:37:39That wasn't what the Colonel meant!
0:37:39 > 0:37:40Oh.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43It's happened. An uprising.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45Congratulations.
0:37:45 > 0:37:4915 men on a dead man's chest. Yo ho ho and a...
0:37:49 > 0:37:53- See? I knew. His bottle's gone. - Yes.- I knew it. You can tell.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56- I've done all manner of dreadful things.- Oh, I don't know.
0:37:56 > 0:37:57I saw you last series, it was OK.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02- Wha...Wha?- Do you know what I did once?- Only once?
0:38:02 > 0:38:03I'm at that age now.
0:38:05 > 0:38:09- Excuse me Your Majesty.- That's all right.- I didn't mean to interrupt...
0:38:09 > 0:38:11- Not all.- But there's a wee man downstairs with a funny face.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14Well, go and tell him you got one.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17I'm sorry I'm late, I've just been going round the Trossachs.
0:38:20 > 0:38:21In that hat?
0:38:21 > 0:38:24No, no. In these plus fours.
0:38:24 > 0:38:25I didn't come alone.
0:38:25 > 0:38:26I brought my driver with me.
0:38:29 > 0:38:33I see. What's that brass knocker doing in your hand?
0:38:33 > 0:38:36- It's freezing outside. - I asked for that, didn't I?- Yes.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39APPLAUSE
0:38:39 > 0:38:42- Mr Wise.- I don't know that one, but I know "Mr Woo."
0:38:42 > 0:38:44# Oh, Mr Woo What shall...? #
0:38:44 > 0:38:48- Mr Wise, I'm going. - Please, please Mr...- Let him go.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51- Well...- Let him go do another one of those say-goes.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53- Sagas.- Sagas, then.
0:38:53 > 0:38:57I saw the lot. 26 episodes, and not a laugh in it.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59- Who wrote that rubbish!- Galsworthy.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01Just watch it, that's all!
0:39:01 > 0:39:03Getting nominated for a major acting award
0:39:03 > 0:39:07meant you were now worthy of a role in one of Ern's plays.
0:39:07 > 0:39:11And possibly you needed bringing down a peg or two.
0:39:11 > 0:39:16Following his 1973 BAFTA nomination for Dennis Potter's Casanova,
0:39:16 > 0:39:21Frank Finlay took the lead in Ernie's clearly superior version.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24- Order something, will you? - Yes, I will. That's a good idea.
0:39:24 > 0:39:25Serving wench!
0:39:26 > 0:39:30- I would like three tankards of mead. Are you hungry?- Yes.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33Three tankards of mead and a poached swan on toast.
0:39:35 > 0:39:39And be... CHUCKLING: Be careful where you put the feathers.
0:39:39 > 0:39:43- And don't be too long, you exciting woman.- Men!
0:39:43 > 0:39:44ERNIE CHUCKLES
0:39:44 > 0:39:48She didn't appear to be smitten with your technique, Mr Casanova.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51Oh, believe me, underneath that cold exterior,
0:39:51 > 0:39:55her womanliness was boiling and bubbling with a fervour
0:39:55 > 0:39:58that most men would not be able to keep up with.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01- ERIC LAUGHS You mean she's a raver? - Oh, mustard.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04- Mustard, you say?- Yes, mustard.
0:40:04 > 0:40:07- Tell me... Tell me, Mr Casanova...- Call me Giacomo.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10I'd rather call you Casanova, I can't say Giacomo.
0:40:10 > 0:40:12Tell me, Mr Jackanory...
0:40:15 > 0:40:18- Is this your first visit to London? - Oh, it is indeed.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21- What do you think of the British climate?- I found it very close last night.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24You're lucky. I was out - nothing.
0:40:24 > 0:40:28- Mr Jackanory...- Yes? - What brings you to London?
0:40:30 > 0:40:32- I'll be perfectly frank with you. - Yes?
0:40:32 > 0:40:35I have a long felt want.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48There's no answer to that, is there?
0:40:49 > 0:40:53- Sir!- Ah! Has Frankie Vaughan come back for his stick?
0:40:53 > 0:40:56- Yes?- Tell me, when do you intend to perpetrate this lascivious deed
0:40:56 > 0:40:59- upon the sweet and innocent honour? - This very night.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02I would like to draw attention to the fact that she's had a vicarage upbringing.
0:41:02 > 0:41:06- That is true, a vicarage upbringing. - Her father was the vicar of St Bernard's.
0:41:06 > 0:41:07That's true, you can't miss him.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10Always had the collection box hanging around his neck.
0:41:10 > 0:41:12- Are you finished?- Go away, please.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14That woman, get her out.
0:41:16 > 0:41:17Hello.
0:41:17 > 0:41:20- HIGH-PITCHED SOUND EFFECT - Kiss me!
0:41:20 > 0:41:23- Of course, my dear. - Now, wait a minute...
0:41:27 > 0:41:30THEY GIGGLE
0:41:32 > 0:41:35Hey, hey - what do you think of it up to now? "Rubbish!"
0:41:37 > 0:41:41That question would be asked of any inanimate object with a mouth.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44What do you think of it so far? "Rubbish!"
0:41:44 > 0:41:46"Rubbish!"
0:41:46 > 0:41:47"Rubbish!" "Rubbish!"
0:41:47 > 0:41:49"Rubbish!"
0:41:49 > 0:41:51What do you think of it so far? "Rubbish!"
0:41:53 > 0:41:59Dumb insolence is a military term for showing disrespect for authority.
0:41:59 > 0:42:01Eric and Ern were great at it.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04Am I to understand, Sir, that you're calling for two volunteers
0:42:04 > 0:42:07- to go on this very dangerous mission?- That's about the size of it.
0:42:07 > 0:42:09We won't go into that now, sir.
0:42:10 > 0:42:12We'll need plenty of supplies.
0:42:12 > 0:42:15Any minute now I'm expecting a 25-pounder.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17I thought you'd gone a funny colour.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20PHONE RINGS
0:42:20 > 0:42:21Captain here. What?!
0:42:21 > 0:42:25Captain Here-what? That's a strange name.
0:42:25 > 0:42:27Knee trembler.
0:42:27 > 0:42:30That's very kind of you, sir, but can I get my goggles off first?
0:42:35 > 0:42:38Gentleman, I've got some wonderful news for you.
0:42:38 > 0:42:39Des O'Connor has got a sore throat?!
0:42:39 > 0:42:42No.
0:42:43 > 0:42:47The Red Baron has been sighted and is about to attack the airfield.
0:42:47 > 0:42:48Don't panic!
0:42:54 > 0:42:56Right, right! Listen to me!
0:42:56 > 0:42:59- Right.- You check the aircraft ammunition
0:42:59 > 0:43:02and I'll check your figures.
0:43:03 > 0:43:06Sauce-box!
0:43:06 > 0:43:08I'll go and service the camel.
0:43:08 > 0:43:10There's no answer to that.
0:43:10 > 0:43:12Darcy? You're a fool.
0:43:14 > 0:43:18Will you still call me a fool when I tell you about my plan of escape?
0:43:26 > 0:43:28What is your plan of escape?
0:43:37 > 0:43:39Read that.
0:43:41 > 0:43:43Bermont's.
0:43:43 > 0:43:46"To the guard at the gate."
0:43:51 > 0:43:56"The three men what have got this note..."
0:43:56 > 0:43:58It's good, isn't it?
0:43:58 > 0:44:00"..are very good friends of mine
0:44:00 > 0:44:04"and are to be allowed out through the main gate.
0:44:04 > 0:44:07"Signed, Adolf Hitler, boss of Germany."
0:44:13 > 0:44:15Be honest - what do you think? Be honest.
0:44:15 > 0:44:19- You wrote this note?- Who else?
0:44:19 > 0:44:22- Darcy...- Sir?- This note would never fool the Germans.
0:44:22 > 0:44:25Of course not. Hitler would never write a note in pencil.
0:44:27 > 0:44:32And secondly, Darcy, Hitler would never use notepaper headed
0:44:32 > 0:44:35"J Bolshore and Sons, plumbers and decorators, Stockport."
0:44:37 > 0:44:40- He's trying to say something. - ERNIE MUTTERS
0:44:40 > 0:44:42What's he saying?
0:44:42 > 0:44:43He says you're stood on his hand.
0:44:48 > 0:44:50Cut it out! This is my scene!
0:44:52 > 0:44:55ERNIE GROANS
0:44:55 > 0:44:58- He's badly hurt.- Yes. The bullet will have to come out.- Yes.
0:44:58 > 0:45:01- He's seriously wounded. - I'll have to take his trousers off.
0:45:01 > 0:45:04- He's been hit in the shoulder. - We need the laughs.
0:45:08 > 0:45:10ERNIE WHIMPERS
0:45:12 > 0:45:14Aaaaa-ee!
0:45:14 > 0:45:16He's gone!
0:45:16 > 0:45:17Somebody clapped!
0:45:17 > 0:45:20Ignore it. It's your wife.
0:45:20 > 0:45:23Colonel, we are about to be attacked at any moment!
0:45:23 > 0:45:25And 15 of my men are up at the front.
0:45:25 > 0:45:28It's a curry. It affects me the same way, I must be honest.
0:45:28 > 0:45:30God, the heat!
0:45:30 > 0:45:34But surely some Indian soldiers have remained loyal to the Crown?
0:45:34 > 0:45:37- They've got no option. It's the only pub around here, isn't it?- Yes.
0:45:37 > 0:45:40Fourpence ha'penny a pint... Hey!
0:45:40 > 0:45:42We'll be up against it this night.
0:45:42 > 0:45:44I'm all for that! PLAYS GLISSANDO ON UKELELE
0:45:44 > 0:45:47- The situation is fraught. - Dashed tricky.
0:45:50 > 0:45:53How do you fellows see it?
0:45:53 > 0:45:56Very rarely, these days.
0:45:56 > 0:45:59- How about you?- I've never seen it. - He's only little.
0:46:00 > 0:46:04- Now, Darson. Darcy.- You were close.
0:46:04 > 0:46:07- Darcy...- Yes, sir.
0:46:08 > 0:46:11Listen, Darcy, listen to me very carefully.
0:46:11 > 0:46:13I am, I am. Believe me, I am.
0:46:13 > 0:46:16- Captain Hammond.- Sir!
0:46:16 > 0:46:18VC, DSO, MM, DMC and bar.
0:46:20 > 0:46:23- Captain Hammond and I have a plan of escape.- Escape!
0:46:31 > 0:46:34For the past... For the past two weeks
0:46:34 > 0:46:37- we have been... We have been doing...- Yes?
0:46:37 > 0:46:40- ..this.- What?
0:46:48 > 0:46:53Oh, I like it! I like it! I knew a fellow once. He had a nasty habit.
0:46:53 > 0:46:55All day long he'd do that.
0:46:55 > 0:46:58- All day long. Eventually broke his neck.- What...
0:46:58 > 0:47:01What the Major's trying to say is that we have been digging a tunnel.
0:47:01 > 0:47:03- A tunnel!- Shut up, you fool!- Sh!
0:47:03 > 0:47:07Oscar winner Sir John Mills was a coup.
0:47:07 > 0:47:09As was booking these two stars.
0:47:15 > 0:47:18APPLAUSE
0:47:21 > 0:47:24KNOCKING AT DOOR
0:47:24 > 0:47:25Who is it?
0:47:25 > 0:47:27It's me, Guv'nor.
0:47:27 > 0:47:30APPLAUSE
0:47:34 > 0:47:39- Having breakfast?- Nah, I'm not having my breakfast, Sergeant. I'm having my lunch.
0:47:39 > 0:47:41That was my breakfast.
0:47:41 > 0:47:44- You fancy a bite to eat?- Yeah.
0:47:44 > 0:47:47- Help yourself.- Thank you very much, I thought you'd never ask.
0:47:49 > 0:47:52- I'd like to tell you, I've got those two volunteers outside.- Good.
0:47:52 > 0:47:56The success of the whole war depends on this false information getting into enemy hands.
0:47:56 > 0:47:58Do they fit the bill?
0:47:58 > 0:48:02- They're expendable, if that's what you mean. - That's exactly what I mean.
0:48:02 > 0:48:05Do they know they're going behind enemy lines?
0:48:05 > 0:48:08- Well, I haven't actually...- Do they know they won't come back alive?
0:48:08 > 0:48:10Look, Guv'nor , I've got these two volunteers, haven't I?
0:48:10 > 0:48:13Oh, well. They say there's one in every regiment.
0:48:13 > 0:48:15There is two in ours.
0:48:15 > 0:48:18- Let's have them in. - All right, you two. At the double.
0:48:18 > 0:48:23Come on! Left-right, left-right, left-right, left-right, left-right, left!
0:48:25 > 0:48:28APPLAUSE
0:48:32 > 0:48:35- Sir!- Yes, well...
0:48:37 > 0:48:40- You both know why you're here.- Oh, yes.
0:48:40 > 0:48:42There's a job to be done and it isn't much fun.
0:48:42 > 0:48:45DELIVERED AS LIMERICK: As Lord Kitchener said to the sentry
0:48:45 > 0:48:47For tattooed on his chest Through a hole in his vest
0:48:47 > 0:48:50Was a sign saying "Caution, no entry."
0:48:50 > 0:48:53I apologise, Sir. We took the King's shilling and we're ready and willing.
0:48:53 > 0:48:55DELIVERED AS LIMERICK: As Jericho said to the Kaiser
0:48:55 > 0:48:59- It's a dangerous job... - You'll be paid 30 bob... - Some crisps and a bottle of Tizer.
0:49:00 > 0:49:04Sir! I must say it's a great pleasure to be serving under an officer
0:49:04 > 0:49:06who is as brave as what you are, sir.
0:49:06 > 0:49:09And I like you best in The Sweeney, as well.
0:49:09 > 0:49:12- All right, that's enough. - You're OK with me, chum.- All right!
0:49:12 > 0:49:13Now, you know what you got to do.
0:49:13 > 0:49:16Oh, yes. Now, if you tell us where the piano is, we'll move it.
0:49:17 > 0:49:21- Piano?- Piano, sir.- Piano, sir. - We volunteered to move the piano.
0:49:21 > 0:49:23We volunteered to move the piano.
0:49:23 > 0:49:25The piano that these gentlemen have kindly volunteered to move.
0:49:25 > 0:49:28Oh, the piano! Yes.
0:49:28 > 0:49:30- Yes, the piano.- The piano. And what else, as well?
0:49:30 > 0:49:33Well, first they've got to take the communique, haven't they?
0:49:33 > 0:49:37First, you got to take the communique in order to get permission to move the piano.
0:49:37 > 0:49:42- Ah! Take the communique.- Then the piano.- First take the communique. - This is a map.- Are you sure?
0:49:45 > 0:49:48- You will make your way along here. - Doing that on your own?- Yes.
0:49:48 > 0:49:51- Now, listen.- I am. - To this hill here.
0:49:51 > 0:49:55- Circumnavigating it, as the enemy have occupied the summit.- The summit there.
0:49:55 > 0:49:58Then you'll go down through this gully, up here,
0:49:58 > 0:50:00- over this small knoll.- Yeah.
0:50:00 > 0:50:03And your destination is this hillock, here.
0:50:03 > 0:50:06- Ah!- I'm sure, Sir, there must be another way of looking at this.
0:50:06 > 0:50:09- That's true.- I mean, let's face it. What do you think?
0:50:10 > 0:50:12Is it...?
0:50:12 > 0:50:14APPLAUSE
0:50:14 > 0:50:16Who's come on? Is it...?
0:50:16 > 0:50:19Is it possible to volunteer for something dangerous around Harris?
0:50:24 > 0:50:26Mother!
0:50:26 > 0:50:31I can't believe it! May I say, Sir...
0:50:31 > 0:50:33Big Bertha!
0:50:33 > 0:50:36Have I seen you in the back of a car?
0:50:37 > 0:50:39Inside this envelope...
0:50:39 > 0:50:43..Is the nomination for the three best actresses of the year,
0:50:43 > 0:50:45which I will read out in reverse order.
0:50:45 > 0:50:47Porter, Dawn, Nyree!
0:50:49 > 0:50:53- Synchronise your watches.- Right. - Quarter to six.- Quarter to six. - Quarter to six.
0:50:53 > 0:50:56Ten past 11.
0:50:56 > 0:50:59- Ten past 11?- Ten past 11. - Ten past 11.
0:50:59 > 0:51:01Quarter to six.
0:51:01 > 0:51:03- On yer bike! - Certainly, sir.
0:51:03 > 0:51:06Come on! left-right, left-right, left-right, left-right!
0:51:06 > 0:51:09Hold up! Don't be too hard on him. He likes me the best.
0:51:09 > 0:51:12- Likes him the best. - I like him the best in the Sweeney. - Are you still there?
0:51:12 > 0:51:17Well, I'll away then. It's been a great pleasure working with you, I don't care what the others say.
0:51:17 > 0:51:20I've always admired you. Been a nice fella.
0:51:20 > 0:51:22HE CLEARS THROAT
0:51:25 > 0:51:26HE CHUCKLES
0:51:26 > 0:51:28SNAP!
0:51:29 > 0:51:33Got a great gag for you later on. "Rubbish!" You could have waited.
0:51:35 > 0:51:38We shouldn't have done this show, Dennis. Never done it.
0:51:40 > 0:51:43APPLAUSE
0:51:43 > 0:51:46The Sweeney and Morecambe and Wise had a lot in common.
0:51:46 > 0:51:51Rule breakers, mavericks, short, fat, hairy legs.
0:51:51 > 0:51:56After John Thaw and Dennis Waterman got the inevitable call in 1976,
0:51:56 > 0:52:01they asked Eric and Ernie to return the compliment and appear in their show.
0:52:01 > 0:52:03Well, you would, wouldn't you?
0:52:03 > 0:52:04KNOCK AT DOOR
0:52:04 > 0:52:08- Who's there?- Police! - Police who?- "Please come in!"
0:52:08 > 0:52:09THEY CHUCKLE
0:52:09 > 0:52:13Hello, how are you? I'm Eric. Come in and lie down. This is Ernie.
0:52:13 > 0:52:14- He's with Interpol.- Yes, how do you do?
0:52:14 > 0:52:17- I'm Detective Inspector Regan. - Oh, yes.- This is my colleague...
0:52:17 > 0:52:20Colombo, I've seen him. Gets a headache in the films, walks about like that.
0:52:20 > 0:52:23- Detective Sergeant Col... Erm, Carter.- Ah.
0:52:23 > 0:52:27- We're from Scotland Yard. - Oh, yes.- Yes.- I won't...
0:52:27 > 0:52:29I won't take up any more time than is necessary.
0:52:29 > 0:52:31You're leaving, are you? It's been a pleasure!
0:52:31 > 0:52:37When they turned up on set, Eric and Ernie found they had huge Winnebagos,
0:52:37 > 0:52:40which was more than John and Dennis ever did.
0:52:40 > 0:52:42Eric was having none of that.
0:52:42 > 0:52:46"You can't expect us to have a bloody big caravan each," he said,
0:52:46 > 0:52:50"when the two stars are getting made up in a toilet round the back!"
0:52:50 > 0:52:55John and Dennis got their Winnebagos, and we got this.
0:53:36 > 0:53:39- Send zem in! - Trier be fier!
0:53:47 > 0:53:50APPLAUSE
0:53:53 > 0:53:55- Achtung!- Volkswagen!
0:53:58 > 0:53:59Sorry about your arm.
0:54:01 > 0:54:03- Zo...- Oh!
0:54:06 > 0:54:07Zo!
0:54:09 > 0:54:11Ze British pigs!
0:54:11 > 0:54:13- That's not nice!- Quiet!
0:54:13 > 0:54:15That's better.
0:54:15 > 0:54:17Have you got a brother on our side?
0:54:20 > 0:54:23- Oh! I tell you what, Ern.- What? - You'll enjoy this.- Will I?
0:54:23 > 0:54:25It's fun, fun, fun!
0:54:25 > 0:54:27- Quiet!- He is known as Hanz Everywhere.
0:54:29 > 0:54:33Now, my little Englander...
0:54:33 > 0:54:35- Mein Hair! - It's not slipped again, has it?
0:54:36 > 0:54:38BOTH: QUIET!
0:54:38 > 0:54:42- We have some plans for you, gentlemen.- Oh, lovely!
0:54:42 > 0:54:46- We have two methods of extracting information...- Yes?
0:54:46 > 0:54:49Which I shall call "one" und "two".
0:54:49 > 0:54:53Ah, very good, Sir. "One" and "two". I'll try and remember that.
0:54:53 > 0:54:54Have either of you got a coin?
0:54:54 > 0:54:57- Coin?- Have we got a coin? - I'll have a look in my wallet, Sir.
0:54:57 > 0:55:00- You're very privileged to see this. - Jawohl?
0:55:00 > 0:55:02It's usually kept in ja vault, yes.
0:55:05 > 0:55:08DIAL CLICKS
0:55:08 > 0:55:11By the time he gets in, you know, the pound's gone down again.
0:55:12 > 0:55:14CREAKING
0:55:14 > 0:55:16That was just his thumb.
0:55:16 > 0:55:19Just! HE CHUCKLES
0:55:21 > 0:55:23No. No coins, sir. No coins.
0:55:27 > 0:55:30- Zo... Zo...- It's the zo show!
0:55:30 > 0:55:34- You...- Uh-huh, I've got one, two.
0:55:34 > 0:55:37You vill be taken from here.
0:55:37 > 0:55:41- Taken from here.- And have your pound notes pulled out vun by vun.
0:55:43 > 0:55:46Fun! ERNIE WHIMPERS
0:55:46 > 0:55:50Oh, please not that. Please, Mr German. Have mercy on me!
0:55:50 > 0:55:51I'm only little.
0:55:53 > 0:55:54I was always good to my mother.
0:55:54 > 0:55:56I never went home.
0:55:57 > 0:56:00And they were cruel to me at school. That beefy Miller.
0:56:00 > 0:56:02She was vicious with me.
0:56:02 > 0:56:04I'm only little, and I want me mam!
0:56:09 > 0:56:13Hey, you're right, it's good! Oh, boy oh, boy!
0:56:13 > 0:56:15Doesn't half help your loose change.
0:56:17 > 0:56:19Well...
0:56:19 > 0:56:22AS BENNIE THE BALL FROM TOP CAT: "Whatcha gonna do now, TC?"
0:56:25 > 0:56:30- And now, for you.- For me. - Viz you, ve vill try method number two.- Oh!
0:56:30 > 0:56:35You are going to experience ze beautiful Mata Hari.
0:56:35 > 0:56:37- Any of this business?- No.
0:56:37 > 0:56:41- Just the laughs. - Don't go there!- No, I won't.
0:56:41 > 0:56:44I like you best in Ze Sveeney.
0:56:44 > 0:56:45Ze Sveeney.
0:56:51 > 0:56:53SNAP!
0:56:53 > 0:56:55APPLAUSE
0:56:55 > 0:56:56HE SHOUTS GARBLED ORDER
0:56:56 > 0:57:02That's where we have to leave Eric and Ern and their extraordinary line-up of leading men,
0:57:02 > 0:57:05including the most important one of all -
0:57:05 > 0:57:11the third man, who rarely share the limelight. Eddie Braben.
0:57:11 > 0:57:16Eddie knew that to work, Ern's plays had to make the guests look foolish,
0:57:16 > 0:57:20but not as foolish as Eric and Ernie.
0:57:20 > 0:57:22Whether it was their famous stinginess,
0:57:22 > 0:57:28Eric's childish clowning or Ernie's pompous self-regard,
0:57:28 > 0:57:31the joke was on them, and we, the audience, knew it.
0:57:31 > 0:57:36It looked and felt like anarchy, but it was perfectly judged
0:57:36 > 0:57:39and delivered with incredible skill.
0:57:39 > 0:57:43That skill was Eric and Ernie's, honed over years,
0:57:43 > 0:57:48but Eddie Braben was the man who understood how to make it sing.
0:57:48 > 0:57:49Good night.
0:57:49 > 0:57:53SONG: "You May Just Be The One" by The Monkees
0:57:56 > 0:58:02# All men must have someone Have someone
0:58:02 > 0:58:07# Who would never take advantage Of a love bright as the sun... #
0:58:07 > 0:58:08ALL: AY!
0:58:08 > 0:58:11ALL: Hmmmm?
0:58:11 > 0:58:15# Someone to understand them And you just may be the one
0:58:18 > 0:58:26# All men must have someone Have someone
0:58:26 > 0:58:30# Who would never take for granted All the pleasures and the fun
0:58:34 > 0:58:39# Someone to stand beside them And you just may be the one
0:58:42 > 0:58:44# Someone to understand them
0:58:44 > 0:58:47# And you just may be the one. #