0:00:02 > 0:00:05Here in Northern Ireland, we're always on the road.
0:00:05 > 0:00:06And we drive each other mad.
0:00:06 > 0:00:07SHE LAUGHS
0:00:07 > 0:00:09That man just stuck his tongue out at you.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12We love nothing better than a good rant about politics.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Children wouldn't get on the way they get on some days.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Let's have a competition to see who doesn't speak.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Sit back, buckle up... Holy kabunga!
0:00:19 > 0:00:20..it's The Commute.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22MAUREEN LAUGHS
0:00:23 > 0:00:26ON RADIO: 'Good morning, everyone, it is Wednesday morning...'
0:00:26 > 0:00:29'..and the weather, showers mainly across the south and west today,
0:00:29 > 0:00:30'merging into longer spells of rain.'
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Good morning. Good morning, how are you today?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37I'm fine. Fine, fine, fine. God, how bad is the weather?
0:00:37 > 0:00:38SHE SIGHS
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Anyway, sure... It'll brighten up again, it'll water the plants.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44It's definitely hard sometimes in the morning.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Yep. Especially when you have a wee glass of wine or two in you
0:00:50 > 0:00:51from the night before.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Ah, you weren't drinking AGAIN? I had a few, like.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57What was the celebrations? The cat had five kittens.
0:00:57 > 0:01:02This programme contains strong language.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03It's the same every morning,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06you're lying on and lying on and stressing everybody out.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Mummy, do you think the people of Newry want coffee
0:01:09 > 0:01:12served by someone with no make-up on?
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Yes, I know. Be a horrible sight. This face, Mum.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Well... My beautiful face! I know you're beautiful, Laura.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22LAURA LAUGHS
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Every mummy thinks their daughter's beautiful. Yeah, OK(!)
0:01:27 > 0:01:30# You and I
0:01:30 > 0:01:32# Just you and I... #
0:01:32 > 0:01:35ON RADIO: 'Good morning, the Northern Ireland Assembly
0:01:35 > 0:01:36'returns after its summer break today.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38'The secretary of state Theresa Villiers said that
0:01:38 > 0:01:40'if there is no agreement on welfare reform...'
0:01:40 > 0:01:42You all right? SIGHING: Aye.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45'..the government will take back the power to legislate
0:01:45 > 0:01:46'on the issue from Westminster.'
0:01:46 > 0:01:49OK left. Politics is a dirty game,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52but they've got to have a bit of respect for one another.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Sure, all they want to do is fight and argue with each other.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55They're like children.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Children wouldn't get on the way they get on some days.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00That's what it's like, a school playground.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Oh, I know. I know.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06# And I don't think we can solve them
0:02:06 > 0:02:08# You made a really deep cut
0:02:08 > 0:02:11# And, baby, now we got bad blood... #
0:02:11 > 0:02:13As far as I'm concerned,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16no matter what happens in Stormont, Northern Ireland's broke.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22And just has no money. So I don't know what's going to happen to us.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27They couldn't decide on the colour of dung up at Stormont, like.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29ADAM LAUGHS So they couldn't.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Wild.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33All I know is that I'm fed up at listening to them
0:02:33 > 0:02:35arguing with one another,
0:02:35 > 0:02:41and I do hope and pray that some day they would agree to differ
0:02:41 > 0:02:44and meet and that Northern Ireland would be a better place.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46The social budget,
0:02:46 > 0:02:49I know there are lots of people who genuinely need help and I have
0:02:49 > 0:02:51no problem with that,
0:02:51 > 0:02:55but there are also lots of people who are swinging the lead.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Not saying there's a whole lot, but there are a few.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04But sure, they'll never change it now. No, it's too easy.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08They need to grow a set of balls, know what I mean?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11When Maggie Thatcher died, she was a donor,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13she was carrying a donor card,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16and she left Cameron her bollocks.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Cos that's what they need. That's not nice. No, but they do.
0:03:20 > 0:03:26I don't know, there's too much orange-green stuff, to be honest.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Aye. And in fairness, the likes of that welfare bill,
0:03:30 > 0:03:34it doesn't matter what you are or what religion or colour.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37..milking the system. Yeah, flippin' right it is.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40He looks awfully cross in the morning. Awfully rude.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Awfully cross in the morning. I hate an old busted bake like that.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Well, I suppose we don't know what's going on in the wee man's life. No.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Maybe his marmalade wasn't ready this morning.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55You know, I often think I would make a very good politician.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57I think I would make a good politician.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Let's be honest here,
0:03:58 > 0:04:02if I was running the country the place would be better.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04No. Yes. No.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Keep her in the fast lane. Oh, fuck. Where the fuck are you going?!
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Clamp it.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Look at that there.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20All the MLAs, they need to do...
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Do you know what they need us to do? A drama workshop.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25They need us to do a drama workshop, some role-playing...
0:04:25 > 0:04:28No, but you see... No, no... But they wouldn't do that.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30This is a fantastic idea! No, listen!
0:04:30 > 0:04:32But they wouldn't do that because musical theatre
0:04:32 > 0:04:35and everything's like...gay.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Now we're sucking diesel. Just stop, Connor, just stop.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Look - what are you smiling for? Just drive.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Now they're not looking, absolute useless... Muppets. Women drivers!
0:04:50 > 0:04:56Ooh, feck. Mum... Well, he's coming up there a bit fast, isn't he?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I hate this road. You'd know it was a man anyway.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Meh.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Women are better drivers.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Do you think? Absolutely. We multitask better.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Which means we can organise the family in the car
0:05:14 > 0:05:16AND drive carefully.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Hi-ya!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Woo!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Wee wave and all.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Is it the way my hair is? Must be.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Ahh.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Were you a bad-tempered woman, Martha? No, I wasn't.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Were you calm and composed? Yes.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Collected, yes.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Yes, you strike me as a wee calm and composed person.
0:05:43 > 0:05:48I know, but my husband wasn't a bit calm. Was he not?! No.
0:05:49 > 0:05:55I never let on I heard him. So I didn't. And he had to shut up.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59..could actually write an e-mail now, as I'm thinking.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02If I had some sort of brainwave I could...
0:06:02 > 0:06:07You could write it now. Do you want me write it? Yes, do.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11I honestly think that I should suggest that
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I do performing arts workshops at Stormont.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Where...
0:06:15 > 0:06:21We'll do the introduction thing, we could do the "Hello, my name is...
0:06:21 > 0:06:25"Peter Robinson." And then get Peter Robinson to make a noise.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26HE LAUGHS
0:06:26 > 0:06:28"My name is Peter Robinson - quack, quack!" You know?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31They have to introduce themselves by name and then we do that,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34and then we do some...
0:06:34 > 0:06:37noise. Some drama face things and stuff.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40And then we teach them song Over the Rainbow.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44What do you think? You're actually doing this, aren't you?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47What are you actually writing down, darling?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50"My name is Peter Robinson - quack, quack. Over the Rainbow."
0:06:50 > 0:06:51SHE LAUGHS
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Any more, no? There's two more, you're all right, sit there.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56All right.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Take it easy.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05ON RADIO: 'It's eight o'clock.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07'First up, the DUP is set to meet the Secretary of State today to
0:07:07 > 0:07:10'discuss the political crisis at Stormont.'
0:07:10 > 0:07:12IN IRISH:
0:07:20 > 0:07:22SHE LAUGHS THEN STOPS SUDDENLY
0:07:24 > 0:07:28# Cos everything is changing, and I know... #
0:07:31 > 0:07:36Tell you what, if I become an MP one day... You SHOULD be an MP.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Aye, I'd have the wee man as my sidekick, and yourself.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41We'd be running, eh...
0:07:41 > 0:07:43I tell you what, there's one thing I'll be getting
0:07:43 > 0:07:47straight into this fucking country, and that'll be equality.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49You'll never get equality into this country. You won't.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Too many people live in the past.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53We need to get into the 21st century,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56we need to get a referendum for the gay rights, without a doubt.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Definitely. And if they want, they can even invite...
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I'll even do the Pride, we'll walk the Pride, the three of us,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06we'll lead it. Not a problem.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Yep, MPs, they should be sitting down round a table now,
0:08:09 > 0:08:10following the south.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Oh, easy, easy. Go down this way. Oh, GO this way?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17This way, this way, indicate.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22I sometime have amazing, genius ideas
0:08:22 > 0:08:26and that is probably one of the best ones I have ever had.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29To be honest, your internal monologue probably thinks
0:08:29 > 0:08:31everything is a genius idea.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Let's be honest here. It's like making vanilla cupcakes.
0:08:35 > 0:08:41Did you think that was genius? Yeah. Yeah. Did that work? No. No.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45# Ohh, I remember when this world was my own... #
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I'm definitely more chirpy on a Friday.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Those boys with the bakery. Ashers?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Aye. What do you think? Och, it's...
0:09:01 > 0:09:04They'll get some publicity out of that.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07It'll sell cakes. Oh, it won't sell cakes. Oh, it will.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11It will, their sales will go through the roof cos of that.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13High-profile case.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16It's so absolutely stupid that those two went to try and...
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Digso!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Don't think he could hear you!
0:09:21 > 0:09:24..ask that company Ashers, they wouldn't make the cake.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I'd make the man a cake!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I'm good at chocolate gateaux.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35I think it's their decision if they want to do it or not.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Yes.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Everybody should live together and get on together and live in harmony,
0:09:41 > 0:09:45and respect...respect people, that's the word.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Respect people's views.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51And in this case, it didn't happen.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52If that's their beliefs,
0:09:52 > 0:09:56and if someone goes for an interview who's part of that community...
0:09:56 > 0:09:59They wouldn't let them in. See, that's illegal. That is illegal.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00So that's a much bigger thing.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03And surely there's something to look at there to see
0:10:03 > 0:10:08if they are employing LBGT people.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I hate the LGBT thing. Gosh, it's actually labelling people now.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13It is! Like a jam jar.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Everyone has to have a label nowadays. Uh-huh.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17ALL: Morning!
0:10:19 > 0:10:20WOMAN YAWNS
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I'm not getting any better at parking. Where did you park?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I've just abandoned it again. No, it's fine.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31I think parking spaces are getting thinner. They are! Definitely.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Saying that, I'm putting weight on! And cars are getting heavier.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37ON RADIO: 'It's the row which will not go away -
0:10:37 > 0:10:40'should gay marriage be made legal in Northern Ireland?'
0:10:40 > 0:10:42This whole issue about people...
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I know it says in the Bible that marriage should be between a man
0:10:45 > 0:10:49and a woman, it says a lot of other things in the Bible that
0:10:49 > 0:10:51probably won't ring true today.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54But the Bible is the truth, the Bible does tell the truth.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56But when you into the Bible, sure,
0:10:56 > 0:10:58there's another can of worms you can open.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59We'll not go down that...
0:10:59 > 0:11:01But, sure, it's a book. I know. Know what I mean?
0:11:01 > 0:11:04It's a record, it's not a book, it's a record.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Of what happened. But...
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Well, why do them things claimed that happened in it,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11why does things like that not happen today?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Why there's people starving, why can somebody not go and feed them
0:11:13 > 0:11:15with a loaf and two fish?
0:11:16 > 0:11:20No, that's not... When we go to Scotland, we have to get a boat.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Moses could have walked!
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Sure, it's never recorded in history,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25science is more advanced now.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Look at the other side of the coin, you're just flipping about. No.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Yeah, correct, a debate.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35I think there'll be woman priests soon. Aye.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Well, there should be women, cos women are marrying women
0:11:37 > 0:11:39and men are marrying...
0:11:39 > 0:11:42The world's changing and the church has to change with it.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Of course, it's the 21st century.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48This would heal Northern Ireland with performing arts.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I like the way I dress right now.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56In 60 years' time, people will not believe this all went on. No.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58We'll all be equal. Everybody will be equal.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02They'll have found something else, something else will be formed,
0:12:02 > 0:12:04half-dog, half-man.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08To moan about. Uh-huh. Well, it needs to keep Stormont in business.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Because really, what else do they do?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13The biggest clowns, up there.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15That's just a pantomime, don't even talk about it, cos it's so bad,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18and you know the big salaries they're getting? Uh-huh.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Who's paying for them?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Us. And I think you hit the nail on the head
0:12:22 > 0:12:25saying it's the biggest pantomime, I mean, look at the ugly sisters.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27There's not one of them good-looking. No.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Not one of them you would want to turn the volume up.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33And there's not a good shoe in the place. LAUGHING: No.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36# Cos I got so down I held the world for ransom... #
0:12:36 > 0:12:38HE BLOWS HORN
0:12:38 > 0:12:41# Lonely, bored and bad, thank God I'm handsome
0:12:41 > 0:12:44# So handsome... #
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Did you see that craic about your fella Jenner changed
0:12:48 > 0:12:50himself from a man to a woman?
0:12:50 > 0:12:54The Kardashians' dad or something. What?!
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Have you seen Bruce? Have YOU seen Bruce?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00No, Caitlin watched that stuff... Caitlyn's his name!
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Caitlyn's his name!
0:13:02 > 0:13:06What? Her name is Caitlyn. What are you on about?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Bruce Jenner has become Caitlyn Jenner.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14And a picture on the front of Vogue. No way!
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Wearing a Jean Paul Gaultier style corset.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21And they are so glam, and really, I don't know. Him and the wife?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24No, they're separated. Oh, they're separated?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26They're separated a while, a good while.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30He was married to the Kardashians' mother. Right.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35Who's now a woman, a full-on... Caitlyn Jenner woman.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Well, each to their own. And he would be popping into a court shoe.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Yeah. Although he was on the cover of Vanity Fair,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44and I have to say, he looked fantastic.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Well, maybe he always really was a woman.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I think he always was, he always had a plucked eyebrow.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Has he not got the lad cut off and all, like?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54He hasn't got it cut off already, has he?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Do they even cut it off? They do something with it, like.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01It's not like you'd take a month to think about it.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06I don't know. I don't think they even cut it off.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I don't know whether they split the lad
0:14:09 > 0:14:12and then just roll it up inside you.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14NATHAN LAUGHS
0:14:14 > 0:14:18I don't actually know. What way do you...? What way do you pee?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I think you pee like a girl. It'd be like a garden hose.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24HE SNORTS
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Spin...! Spin out! Oh, dear.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Do his kids still call him "Daddy"?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Cos he's a girl?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Telling you though, it's all a load of lies. It's all...?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42He's done it because they were losing ratings, and he goes,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44"I'll take one for the team."
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Not realising that he can't really switch back.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59The worst thing is women drivers.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Huh? Women drivers.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I don't like slagging women cos I quite like women,
0:15:05 > 0:15:07but by fuck, they can't drive.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Well, I could never, when I was learning to drive, I would always go
0:15:13 > 0:15:16right round Portrush so I would be heading home, cos I couldn't reverse.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18THEY LAUGH
0:15:19 > 0:15:22I shouldn't have been on the roads at all.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Ha, he's picking his nose and eating it. Ohh-ho-ho!
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Where are you going? I thought we were going this way - no? No?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35That man there's just stuck his tongue out at you. Who?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38That one there in that silver car.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40He should have cleaned it first.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43With his teeth? It was like a carpet. Oh, dear.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Why are we sitting here?
0:15:47 > 0:15:51TYRES SCREECH Whoa, what's that all about!? Hey!
0:15:52 > 0:15:57What is...? What the...? Whoa, whoa!
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Holy kabunga!
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Slow down there.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Oh, you're all right, just being on these...,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07know what I mean, mate?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Listen, if you want to keep this up,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13you'll be swiftly getting dropped off.
0:16:14 > 0:16:20You can get the bus. Public transport in Northern Ireland?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22No problem, sir.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25You clearly haven't been on public transport in Northern Ireland then.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27No, not in about...
0:16:27 > 0:16:28HE EXHALES
0:16:28 > 0:16:32..11 years. There you go.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34ON RADIO: 'A South Belfast MLA has criticised
0:16:34 > 0:16:37'the city centre bus lane scheme that's left motorists
0:16:37 > 0:16:40'confused and on the receiving end of fines.'
0:16:40 > 0:16:44In some cases you're going to be in a bus lane for a few seconds. Yeah.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46But they're going to prosecute you.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Surely there can't be cameras covering every inch of the bus lane?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52It can only be fixed cameras in certain areas,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55like a speed camera, surely? No, they have mobile ones as well.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59They're going to have a van and it'll sit in places where...
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Probably peak times where people are breaking the rules.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04That's going to make money, right enough. Oh, aye.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06It's a money-making exercise.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07It's not about traffic flow.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Somebody sitting in an office, thinking these great ideas up,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14"This is how we make money."
0:17:14 > 0:17:19Do you get a ticket if you go in a bus lane? Yeah, I think so.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Oh, dear. To be honest, I'm never in the centre of Belfast, so I don't...
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I'll just go and if I get stopped, "No English."
0:17:27 > 0:17:29"Go back to your country!"
0:17:29 > 0:17:33And I'm like, "I know English, you just said... That's racist!"
0:17:42 > 0:17:47Sure, the council have a private security firm contracted
0:17:47 > 0:17:49for a man to walk the tide bank.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51To watch for people's dogs shiteing.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56Instead of getting somebody to lift it, he walks the tide bank
0:17:56 > 0:17:59dressed like anybody else and if he sees a dog shiteing, he fines you.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Oh.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Do you know what they're starting to do,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07in Dagenham and Barking or somewhere, DNA testing dog poo. Brilliant.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Shut up. No, I swear, it's true.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12And it's called "Poo Profiles", is the company.
0:18:12 > 0:18:19And they take the dog's DNA when they get microchipped or whatever.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22And then if there's poo lying, they're going to test it.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25So what, does Mr Officer come to your door - "Excuse me..."
0:18:25 > 0:18:27"Excuse me, I have some poo here."
0:18:27 > 0:18:31In a sample bag. Yeah. Exhibit A.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34There's William. Give him a wee toot. Too-too-toot.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Give him a toot.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36HE BEEPS HORN
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Ah! He's got his dog poo bag with him. Oh, dear.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44But people have to do that now, they have to lift it.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46I know you have to lift it, but you don't swing it in the air
0:18:46 > 0:18:48when you're waving.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52You know, I thought that last budget, they were going to
0:18:52 > 0:18:55take off the passes for the over-70s,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58or whatever the age is.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01I thought they were going to take those free bus passes off us,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04but they haven't done that, which is good.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Oh. Because an awful lot of people I know use them.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Oh, for sure, I think they're a wonderful thing.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15They allow older people to get out and about,
0:19:15 > 0:19:17which not only is good for their physical health,
0:19:17 > 0:19:22it's good for their mental health, it's just good every way I think.
0:19:22 > 0:19:27They've got all those old people on the flaming trains taking our seats.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Regis! But you know, they're just out for...
0:19:30 > 0:19:35No, you hear people, they get to 65, what do they do?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37They go to Dublin for the day. At 60, you get your free...
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Yeah, my mum and dad have just got theirs
0:19:40 > 0:19:43and the other day they were away a wee trip.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Aye, well... I think it's lovely.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Well, if they've worked all their lives and paid...
0:19:48 > 0:19:51They're going on like a Wednesday morning,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53they're not really taking up any space.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57You see, Saturday, that's your only day. My mum and dad wouldn't do...
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Well, they shouldn't be allowed to go on a Saturday, then. Why not?
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Because it's our turn, and we're paying. Regis, you're awful.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06ON RADIO: 'Well, the waiting list scandal
0:20:06 > 0:20:07'in our hospitals is something
0:20:07 > 0:20:11'we've promised you we're going to look at, and we're doing so...'
0:20:11 > 0:20:13# What will we do when we get old?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15# Will we walk down the same road?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17# Will you be there...? #
0:20:17 > 0:20:19ON RADIO: 'A County Antrim man who's been told he
0:20:19 > 0:20:22'must wait 19 months before seeing a consultant
0:20:22 > 0:20:25'at Musgrave Park Hospital says he fears he'll die before then.'
0:20:25 > 0:20:29We should have the best health service in Europe.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31We're a small part of the United Kingdom.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34We're not that many a population.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Sure, the waiting times and everything,
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I went to the doctor's the other week,
0:20:41 > 0:20:44an appointment for 10 past 3,
0:20:44 > 0:20:47went up for 3 o'clock, checked myself in,
0:20:47 > 0:20:52blah blah blah, sits down waiting, 20 past 3, half three...
0:20:52 > 0:20:5320 to 4.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55It was half an hour past my waiting time,
0:20:55 > 0:20:59I got up and I said to the girl, "I have an appointment here
0:20:59 > 0:21:02"for 10 past 3, I want you to put in my records that I was here."
0:21:02 > 0:21:04She said, "Did you check in?"
0:21:04 > 0:21:08I said, "It's you that looks stupid, not me, of course I checked in."
0:21:08 > 0:21:10"Well, what's your name?" Onto the computer.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12"Oh," she says, "you're next."
0:21:12 > 0:21:15I said, "As far as I'm concerned, dear, I was next at 10 past 3.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18"A doctor earns more than I do a year,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21"so that means my half an hour of my day that I've just wasted
0:21:21 > 0:21:24"is more valuable to me than it is to them."
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I says, "I'm away", I walked out.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Oh, that's ridiculous. Half an hour past your waiting time.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33It's people getting free prescriptions.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Yes, some people do need it, but do they need ALL of it?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Cos all of a sudden they think, "Och, I'll just get another box."
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Yeah. Yeah. Just in case.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44I would rather pay a nominal amount... Like a pound.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46A pound for a prescription,
0:21:46 > 0:21:50and I think that would add so much to the health budget.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53But the last time I was there, my appointment was early,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55and it was 20 past 9.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Right? I wasn't took in till half nine.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Now, if her surgery only started at 9 o'clock, at half nine,
0:22:03 > 0:22:05she's running ten minutes late.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09So she's losing half an hour per hour,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11so that's nine hours in her working day
0:22:11 > 0:22:14and she's losing half an hour every hour, so if you have
0:22:14 > 0:22:17an appointment at five she's not going to see you till half nine!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Was it a female doctor then? It was, aye. Well...
0:22:25 > 0:22:26SIREN WAILS
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Remember your eye, Laura? What?
0:22:30 > 0:22:35Remember we had to go private because the waiting time was...
0:22:35 > 0:22:39I pulled a dressing gown down off a door and then...
0:22:39 > 0:22:40The belt came down and hit you.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43You know the wee bit that sticks up on the belt?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Came down and hit me in the eye and, like, punctured it.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48There was loads of blood lying in the bottom of my eye
0:22:48 > 0:22:49and I couldn't see or anything.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51But you didn't believe me for like a month.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54It wasn't a month, Laura, it was about three days.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57No, Mummy, it was a month. I was like, "Urgh, I can't see."
0:22:57 > 0:22:59But you were always gurning when you were wee, there was
0:22:59 > 0:23:01always something wrong with you. Still is.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I was blind. "Still is."
0:23:04 > 0:23:06SHE LAUGHS
0:23:15 > 0:23:21I have gained so much from the National Health that really,
0:23:21 > 0:23:25if I was to have paid for all the treatment I've had over the years,
0:23:25 > 0:23:29I would be bankrupt, if I was in any other country.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34So I am very grateful for it and always ready to defend them.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Our National Health, because it's free,
0:23:37 > 0:23:39there's no value in anything that's free, I don't think.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Yeah, fair enough.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46But I do think that the NHS is under major pressure
0:23:46 > 0:23:47because it's been abused.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Right, just drop me here, will you? It's been over-used.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52INDICATOR CLICKS
0:23:57 > 0:24:00SHE PRESSES BUTTON REPEATEDLY
0:24:00 > 0:24:02LAUGHING: The seat belt! Got it.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Goodbye! Bye.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15What time did she come in at last night? Did you hear her coming in?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17No, I was sleeping.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Well, I never went to bed to quarter to 12
0:24:19 > 0:24:20and there was still no sign of her.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24She was hardly out partying, like.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28No, she was in her wee friend's house, but that's not the point.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35# I want you to know that it's our time
0:24:35 > 0:24:38# You and me bleed the same light
0:24:38 > 0:24:42# I want you to know that I'm all yours
0:24:42 > 0:24:45# You and me, we're the same force... #
0:24:45 > 0:24:47I say a prayer for myself,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49cos your driving is absolutely atrocious.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Haven't crashed yet. It doesn't matter, it's atrocious.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I don't mean I haven't crashed on this journey,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58I haven't crashed in ten years' driving...
0:24:58 > 0:25:02You have been up more slip roads than Damon Hill...
0:25:02 > 0:25:04has been on Formula 1 slip roads.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Have a lovely day. Yes, you too, well, give us a text later on. OK.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14See you later, big fella. Take it easy, mate.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18MUSIC: I Want You To Know by Zedd blasts from stereo
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Cos sometimes English doesn't work for me.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Oh, can you stop talking now?
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Can YOU stop talking? I've stopped. OK. Shh!
0:25:30 > 0:25:34And...shh. Let's have a competition to see who doesn't speak.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37I'm going to lose that one.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40SHE CHUCKLES
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Always the same thing.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Ring for an appointment for the doctor, "What's wrong with you?"
0:25:46 > 0:25:48What does the receptionist need to know? Oh, yes.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50See the last day, I says to her...
0:25:50 > 0:25:52"Oh, what's wrong with you, Mr O'Neill?"
0:25:52 > 0:25:56I says, "It's my third testicle, it's bigger than the other two."
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Oh, silence on the end of the phone.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Tell her something like that there, aye.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03"My third testicle's bigger than the other two."
0:26:06 > 0:26:11All right. OK? Yes. All right, sweetie, bye. Bye. Love you.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Bye. Don't slam...
0:26:12 > 0:26:14BANG ..the door.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17You buy contraceptives out of... How do you know I buy them?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Cos you told me you buy them from a German company
0:26:19 > 0:26:20cos they're cheaper,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22but them's the one you told me three months ago...
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I want to get back to this story at Christmas
0:26:24 > 0:26:25when you said it ripped on you.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28You told me you made love to a girl and it ripped on you,
0:26:28 > 0:26:30and it was cheap shit.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Well, I don't, I can't...
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Well, if you're going to be a liar, be a good liar.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I remember what you told me,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41you told me the whole thing ripped up the side.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45You told me that! You said to me...
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Maybe size is a factor in that, I'm not boasting.
0:26:48 > 0:26:54I have seen it, I've seen it at work, yes, it is well there, but...
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Well, why do you stare?
0:26:56 > 0:26:59It's natural for any boy, if you go into a men's toilet,
0:26:59 > 0:27:01if you're in a pub, it's natural,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04cos when you're standing there, you do look down, don't you?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07You don't go in and say, "Oh, I must stand and hold this here."
0:27:07 > 0:27:11# Cos I'm a man, woman
0:27:13 > 0:27:17# Don't always think before I do
0:27:19 > 0:27:23# Cos I'm a man, woman... #
0:27:23 > 0:27:27You're telling me... You're telling me by the sounds of it.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29You're telling me...
0:27:29 > 0:27:32that when you go to a public toilet... Right, right, yes.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35..that you would not, you just open your fly and stand there
0:27:35 > 0:27:37and have a...
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I put my head up, aye. Your head up?
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Why would I be interested in some man's...?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44But why did you go to the Christmas do
0:27:44 > 0:27:46and come out with your shoes soaking?
0:27:46 > 0:27:51And the end of your belt was absolutely... In urine.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Cos I was slightly pissed. No, because you looked up!
0:27:54 > 0:27:59You never look down. Wee man's just speechless.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01I can't tell him.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03INDISTINCT
0:28:03 > 0:28:07I tell you now, I tell you...
0:28:07 > 0:28:10You need to remember what you're saying to me, telling you now.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14I don't forget nothing.
0:28:16 > 0:28:21# Cos I'm a man, woman
0:28:23 > 0:28:27# I'll never be as strong as you
0:28:29 > 0:28:33# I'm a human, human
0:28:36 > 0:28:40# A greater force I answer to. #
0:28:45 > 0:28:49He's in an exotic land. In the far reaches of northern Europe.
0:28:49 > 0:28:53A place of unbelievable history, myth and legend.
0:28:53 > 0:28:54I'm in Ireland.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Join Simon Reeve...
0:28:56 > 0:28:58This is incredible.
0:28:58 > 0:29:02..as he discovers a different kind of Ireland.
0:29:02 > 0:29:03Why barefoot?
0:29:03 > 0:29:04This is the proper way to do it.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07We just want to live in the present and look towards the future.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09It's an Ireland that I really didn't know.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11A two-part series...