:00:24. > :00:26.This programme contains strong language. Every August in
:00:26. > :00:28.Scotland's permanently sunny capital,local audiences warmly
:00:28. > :00:38.welcome performers from the furthest parts of the globe to
:00:38. > :00:46.celebrate the arts in all their forms. And after celebrating the
:00:46. > :00:48.art, they get drunk and head to Late 'n' Live. About 10 o'clock, 11
:00:48. > :00:53.o'clock at night, locals ask themselves a question,"Shall we go
:00:53. > :01:02.and see a late show?" "Aye." "Am I a bit of BLEEP?" "Aye." "Late 'n'
:01:02. > :01:12.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. Hello.The first ever after-hours
:01:12. > :01:17.comedy club began over 25 years ago at the Gilded Balloon Theatre.
:01:17. > :01:21.How are we, Late 'n' Live? It's sort of a mixture of a golf club
:01:21. > :01:25.and a remand centre. There's a lot of the conviviality of a golf club,
:01:25. > :01:30.but a lot of the relentless menace of a remand centre. The angriest
:01:30. > :01:32.man in the world. "That's right!" Loads of mad, scaldy-looking
:01:32. > :01:39.Scottish people like they're in a boiling pot and going..."What the
:01:39. > :01:42.fuck is that?! "Back, back, back in your seat! No, you're going to miss
:01:42. > :01:50.it, it's fucking brilliant! Back! Back in your seat, it's fucking
:01:50. > :01:53.fantastic, don't go! Don't go! Oh, fuck! If you could have been in
:01:53. > :01:56.standing at the wings, and somebody said to you,"Listen, Fred, actually,
:01:56. > :02:03.you don't need to go on and do this," you would have said 100% of
:02:03. > :02:10.the time, "Thank you! See you!" night after night, three comics, a
:02:10. > :02:17.compere and a band have. Throughout this series, we've relived classic
:02:17. > :02:19.moments with the stars who were there. So in tonight's final peek
:02:19. > :02:28.behind comedy's beer-stained curtain, we ask, "Of all the places
:02:28. > :02:31.in the world a club like this could exist, why Scotland? "The Scottish
:02:31. > :02:34.audience are the best in the world. No-one else likes being brutalised
:02:34. > :02:37.more than you. And using previously unreleased footage, find out what
:02:37. > :02:42.today's international stars of comedy discovered about playing to
:02:42. > :02:45.a Scottish crowd. Who's in from Scotland?
:02:45. > :02:52.CHEERING. Who's not from Scotland?
:02:52. > :02:54.CHEERING. Come on, let's take it back. The
:02:54. > :02:58.punters at Late'n'Live are the comedy aficionados,the guys and
:02:58. > :03:02.girls who go to Edinburgh every year. The Scots who live there and
:03:02. > :03:08.who think they know what funny is, how dare you come on their soil,
:03:08. > :03:10.take their money and their freedom and not make them laugh?! Is
:03:10. > :03:15.anybody in from Edinburgh? CHEERING.
:03:16. > :03:23.You lazy bastards! Right, right, I think I'll go to a fucking festival.
:03:23. > :03:32.Aye, yeah, I think so! There we go. Fucking fantastic, but I'm a bit
:03:32. > :03:36.knackered. Bit knackered. Yeah, I think I'll go home. If one nation
:03:36. > :03:39.knows how to endear itself to the Scottish crowd, it's the Irish.
:03:39. > :03:42.Late-night favourite Jason Byrne has been spinning his Celtic charm
:03:42. > :03:50.in Edinburgh since the late '90s, but he's been Irish a lot longer
:03:50. > :03:53.than that. Go wild for Jason Byrne! CHEERING AND WHISTLING.
:03:53. > :03:58.Is there any Americans in? CHEERING.
:03:58. > :04:01.Oh, fucking brilliant, ya mad bastards. Slagging off the
:04:01. > :04:04.Americans so the Scottish will laugh at me. Here, look, do you
:04:04. > :04:10.want to buy this? Look, some Irish fairy water. Oh, the fairies are in
:04:10. > :04:12.there. Can you hear them having a party?!
:04:12. > :04:17.Oh, they're laughing, they're laughing.
:04:17. > :04:27.# Diddle-di-dee di-dee di-dee. # A-diddle-di-dee-di-dee.
:04:27. > :04:28.
:04:28. > :04:31.# Oh, the fairies! Do you want to buy this for �1
:04:31. > :04:34.million? We are good storytellers, so, see, that's why it's hard to
:04:34. > :04:36.make Irish and Scottish audiences laugh, because they all have funny
:04:36. > :04:39.stories. So they're coming to watch you, and are going,"Well, this
:04:39. > :04:46.better be funnier than my story. "Yanks think in Ireland, they think
:04:46. > :04:49.that all the pubs are fucking mad. # Diddle-ee diddle-ee-dee.
:04:49. > :04:52.# Diddle-ee diddle-ee-dee. #. There's people in Ireland fucking
:04:52. > :04:54.talking about the internet."Oh, did you get a new car?" "How's the
:04:54. > :04:57.family?" Everything's fan-fucking- tastic, next minute a little man
:04:57. > :05:03.will burst in the door and go,"Quick, the Americans are
:05:03. > :05:06.coming! Everybody change!" And everybody in the pub grabs a flat
:05:07. > :05:09.cap, puts on a big red beard, they fuck hay all over the fucking
:05:09. > :05:17.ground, grab instruments from everywhere, the Americans come in
:05:17. > :05:20.and the whole pub goes: # Ah, diddle-ee-dee, diddle-ee-dee.
:05:20. > :05:23.# Diddle-eee diddle-ee-dee. #. Top o' the mornin', we're fucking
:05:23. > :05:26.eejits, give us a hundred pound, thanks very much. And we're all
:05:26. > :05:29.brought up badly. All Scottish and Irish people, we're all brought up
:05:29. > :05:32.really badly, especially my age group where our parents...Actually,
:05:32. > :05:35.my mother once said to me,this is brilliant, this is good background,
:05:35. > :05:38.she said, when I had my first child,she goes, "Now don't ever,
:05:38. > :05:41.everlet your children get in the way of your social life." Which is
:05:41. > :05:44.a great bit of advice! There's no American or English or anybody's
:05:44. > :05:46.going to advise that, you know! "Make sure you manage to
:05:46. > :05:49.getyourself hammered as much as possible, and the kids'll just
:05:49. > :05:51.raise themselves." That's why we're so funny. Irish and Scottish people,
:05:51. > :05:54.we've been entertaining ourselves since we were born. The fucking
:05:54. > :05:58.Americans, Jesus Christ, when they come to Ireland, we can sell them
:05:58. > :06:01.anything we fucking want. And same when they come to this city, you
:06:01. > :06:04.scamming bastards! I'm up to about 50 effs! Oh look, it's Arthur's
:06:04. > :06:07.Seat, yes, it used to be a volcano, yeah. And that Tattoo thing, you
:06:07. > :06:10.Americans have got to stop giving those fuckers money for that Tattoo.
:06:10. > :06:12.Why am I swearing so much?! I couldn't believe it! Out come loads
:06:12. > :06:22.of people. # Look at my uniform.
:06:22. > :06:35.
:06:35. > :06:37.# Look at my uniform. # Oh, look at their uniform.
:06:37. > :06:40.# Look at their uniform.$$NEWLINE # Look at their uniform!
:06:40. > :06:44.# Look at his uniform!$$NEWLINE # Ooh, look at his uniform.
:06:44. > :06:52.# Oh, look at that uniform. # Ooh, cannons! Ooh!
:06:52. > :06:56.That'll be 50 quid, you yanky fuckers! Thanks very much! Fucking
:06:56. > :06:59.nuts, man! Scottish people'don't mind you slagging off them, as long
:06:59. > :07:02.as you're a Celt. So if you're Irish, like I am, or you're
:07:02. > :07:04.Scottish, or you're Welsh, even, you're allowed to slag off
:07:04. > :07:14.everybody, but if you're English and you go,"Eh, what about the
:07:14. > :07:21.
:07:21. > :07:31.Scottish?" "Bastard! Bastard!" Shut your fucking mouth about us!" Right,
:07:31. > :07:49.
:07:49. > :07:53.but if I go out and go,"Ah, ya Scottish wankers!" "Nice one!" I do
:07:53. > :07:56.remember seeing an English comic come up and he was renowned as a
:07:56. > :07:59.very smooth compere. He lost it at a point where he said, "So, is
:07:59. > :08:02.there anyone up here from the north? Manchester, Liverpool?" You
:08:02. > :08:05.could see the crowd and everybody just go, "Ohh, weirdly, we must be
:08:05. > :08:09.more southerly than that." What are we? Have we gone all the way over
:08:09. > :08:12.the top of the planet and back down again?" So, that was the beginning
:08:12. > :08:16.of the end for him. Yeah, most of the really bad deaths I've seen
:08:16. > :08:19.have been English. It's not fair to say the crowd'll go for you just
:08:19. > :08:23.cos you're from south of the border. No, they'll go for you if you're
:08:23. > :08:26.from across the Atlantic as well. Hello! Yes, I was on Sabrina The
:08:26. > :08:29.Teenage Witch. Yes, I was. I've done this for ever. I performed in
:08:29. > :08:32.front of the President. Like, big people. Giant, like at Carnegie
:08:32. > :08:35.Hall, or Radio City Music Hall, in front of 10,000 people. Nothing.
:08:35. > :08:38.Drunk, Scottish boys terrify me. It's OK. Whenever I hear a man
:08:38. > :08:41.heckling, all I really hear is, "I've a tiny, wee penis, I've a
:08:41. > :08:44.tiny, wee penis, I can barely find it. "That noise come off the crowd,
:08:44. > :08:47."Oooooooooh!" They could so do over New World comedians, Americans or
:08:47. > :08:51.Canadians. They don't have that noise. (AMERICAN ACCENT) "Fuck you,
:08:51. > :08:57.buddy!" "Oooh, he said "fuck you!" You feel like they could do it any
:08:57. > :09:00.time. "Right!" They're having none of it. Sometimes, you can go the
:09:00. > :09:04.other way. You can deliberately try and be a bit quieter. Try and draw
:09:04. > :09:09.attention, use stagecraft in that direction. Sometimes that'll work.
:09:09. > :09:19.Sometimes it won't. HE IMITATES HECKLING.
:09:19. > :09:20.
:09:20. > :09:28.The noise from round the edgesjust gets louder and louder! Until
:09:28. > :09:33.whatever you were saying is utterly irrelevant. So, how do you win over
:09:33. > :09:39.a rowdy, drunk Scottish audience? Well, Australian Brendon Burns
:09:39. > :09:43.thinks he has one answer. And it isn't with compliments. I'm not
:09:43. > :09:49.going to suck up to you too much, cos then I know you'll start
:09:49. > :09:53.throwing bottles. I'm fully aware, so...I'll abuse you now! Cos you
:09:53. > :09:56.seem to love it. You have some sort of self-esteem issues going on.
:09:56. > :10:00.Here's something the Scottish audience love. You have to abuse
:10:01. > :10:05.them, but you have to be right. Scottish audience are the best in
:10:05. > :10:10.the world. No-one else likes being brutalised more than you. No-one
:10:10. > :10:16.heckles and wants to fucking lose. But Scotland, they do. "You're the
:10:16. > :10:19.fucking BLEEP, now, lay into me!" A Scottish audience demands presence
:10:19. > :10:24.from their comic. I don't mean "ta- da!". I mean they demand you
:10:24. > :10:27.acknowledge you are in a room full of people. That you are not doing
:10:27. > :10:33.the set you would to a television camera. That this is a live scene,
:10:33. > :10:35.and it's been here for years and there is a tradition.
:10:36. > :10:41.Quite frankly, you people are so bizarre-sounding, I can't even tell
:10:41. > :10:45.what sentiment you're expressing. You men sound like trucks backing
:10:45. > :10:49.over a bucket of whoopee cushions. You women sound like cats trying to
:10:49. > :10:51.bark. No wonder you listen to the bagpipes. It's the only way to
:10:51. > :10:57.drown out the sound of your women at night.
:10:57. > :10:59.HE SQUAWLS. Are you happy, sad? I can't tell! I
:10:59. > :11:06.don't know whether you're celebrating a birthday or you've
:11:06. > :11:08.lost your infant. It's 1am, you're Scottish equally likely!
:11:08. > :11:11.LAUGHTER I think it's gall. Scottish people
:11:11. > :11:16.really appreciate gall. If you nail something, you can be as
:11:16. > :11:20.denigrating as possible, if it's true. And Scottish audiences love
:11:20. > :11:26.having the piss taken out of them, but it has to be accurate. That's
:11:26. > :11:31.your job as a comedian. Accurate, eh? Well, if you're Aussie, Steve
:11:31. > :11:35.Hughes, you're spot on. You and your fucking blood sausage. What
:11:35. > :11:38.the fuck is that shit? What are you up to? Black pudding? I know that
:11:38. > :11:41.British people eat it, English people, Irish people, but you Scots
:11:41. > :11:45.are the only fuckers I've seen have a full one, dipped in batter,
:11:45. > :11:52.wandering round shopping for clothes. "Aye, this is fucking
:11:52. > :11:55.good!" This gig's going all right for Late 'n' Live. "It's fucking
:11:55. > :11:58.tradition!" Fuck tradition! It might've been one 400 years ago,
:11:58. > :12:02.when you lived in a hut, freezing your fucking arse off, fighting the
:12:02. > :12:06.English every day. "I'm a bit run down." Have some blood, mate,
:12:06. > :12:09.that'll sort you out! Not any more! You live in Edinburgh, in a flat
:12:09. > :12:13.with a DVD player and a hot girlfriend. Have some hummus, you
:12:13. > :12:16.fat BLEEP! LAUGHTER.
:12:16. > :12:19.If the visiting comics have done their research and not been
:12:19. > :12:26.lazyabout it, that will give them some Brownie points with the
:12:26. > :12:29.audience. And if it's good, and - I'll say something a bit twee - but
:12:29. > :12:39.if it's honest, I think the Scottish audience will respect the
:12:39. > :12:39.
:12:39. > :12:47.honesty of what they say. You know? And let them have a laugh at our
:12:47. > :12:52.expense. So, not just accuracy. Honesty works too. But what crowd
:12:52. > :13:00.isn't won over by well-observed local references? Case in point,
:13:00. > :13:06.the charming Stephen K Amos. Hey, I love Edin-boro.
:13:06. > :13:09.CHEERING. Edin-boro is fantastic. Why?
:13:09. > :13:13.Because there are cobbled streets. LAUGHTER.
:13:13. > :13:18.The good thing about going to Scotland is, all the guys are in
:13:18. > :13:26.Edinburgh for the whole month. You have to get immersed in Edinburgh,
:13:26. > :13:29.in Scottish life. So, I've been there for 12, 13 years. Stuff has
:13:29. > :13:33.happened to me on a regular basis. I checked into a fucking great flat
:13:33. > :13:39.in Edinburgh when I got here. It was in a place called Terrars Croft.
:13:39. > :13:43.Have you heard of it? No, not lucky me. It was a shithole. I got in
:13:43. > :13:46.there, a flat that I'd rented, I'd paid money for and I go into the
:13:46. > :13:52.living room and above the fireplace was a huge life-size portrait of a
:13:52. > :13:57.gollywog. And I was like, "What?! I'm not staying here!" And stuff
:13:57. > :14:00.like that. It's true! I went to a fish and fish shop -that's true. I
:14:00. > :14:05.said to the lady,"Is that cod or haddock?" She went, "Fush!" And
:14:05. > :14:11.that's the typical Scottish welcome that I've come to enjoy. Aviemore
:14:11. > :14:16.is in the Scottish Highlands. The locals call it the Hollywood of the
:14:16. > :14:22.Highlands. I can assure you, it's not. There are no ethnic minorities
:14:22. > :14:28.there, there are no midgets, there are no women. Well, obviously there
:14:28. > :14:31.are, but you can't quite tell the difference. I asked this creature,
:14:31. > :14:41."Excuse me, are there any black people here?" And she goes "Oh! Oh,
:14:41. > :14:43.
:14:43. > :14:53.aye. Oh, aye. There's Black Tony". I was intrigued. I had to meet
:14:53. > :14:56.
:14:56. > :14:58."Black Tony". I found him. He was Spanish. Wow. Did you hear that
:14:59. > :15:06.accent there? You know, I actually thought he sounded more Scottish
:15:06. > :15:11.than Lulu. How many people here are Scottish? Excellent, thank you, sir.
:15:11. > :15:15."Me! What are you gonna do about it?" I know you're thinking "At
:15:15. > :15:22.least we've got culture". That was the worst Scottish accent I've ever
:15:22. > :15:30.done in my career. Let's do that again. It's just a bit more
:15:30. > :15:35.guttural. The harder they are at Edinburgh, the more fruity the
:15:35. > :15:38.voice gets. "I've got a knife, man. I'm no joking". I've just seen two
:15:38. > :15:42.drunken teenagers sat on a bench, abusing tourists. You don't buy a
:15:43. > :15:45.ticket for a show in Edinburgh. Just watch that shit. It's
:15:45. > :15:51.brilliant. They were shouting abuse at tourists, going "You bastards,
:15:51. > :15:56.fucking bastards, fuck off. And then one of them threw their empty
:15:56. > :16:01.can of cider on the floor. And his pal went "Robert, no! We're binge
:16:01. > :16:09.drinkers, but we're not litterbugs". Because I lived in Scotland for
:16:09. > :16:16.quite a while, I am a chameleon when it comes to accents. So I can
:16:16. > :16:19.pull it out of the bag if I have to. I go "Like me, I'm just like you.
:16:19. > :16:23.Please like me. That's lovely. I'm even wearing a semmit. I think it
:16:23. > :16:26.might be a vest". I used to live in Glasgow. I love the way Glaswegians
:16:26. > :16:29.speak. They have a habit of pointing out the most important
:16:29. > :16:39.words in a sentence before say the sentence. They say "See you, you
:16:39. > :16:44.
:16:44. > :16:47.look BLEEP. See me?" It is like "The following sentence includes
:16:47. > :16:52.these important keywords". From my own point of view, this accent I've
:16:52. > :16:59.been putting on for a number of years seems to have worked. I know,
:16:59. > :17:02.mine's worked for me too. Actually, though, if you want to learn a
:17:02. > :17:12.proper Scottish accent, you really have to listen to Andrew Maxwell.
:17:12. > :17:17.
:17:17. > :17:25.And he's Irish. Edinburgh's shit, isn't it? I don't fucking mean that.
:17:26. > :17:34.My family are from all sorts of places around. BLEEP. Andrew's
:17:34. > :17:38.Leith accent is pinpoint. And I, as a Scot, think it's hilarious. I'm
:17:38. > :17:43.not trying to win them over, I just find it a funny accent. "I'm no
:17:43. > :17:47.joking". But it just makes me laugh. There are various Scottish voices
:17:47. > :17:53.that make me laugh. If you're from south of the border, you probably
:17:53. > :17:59.think he's just doing a Scottish accent. But we know.
:17:59. > :18:06.We know within two or three streets, where he is doing it. We get down
:18:06. > :18:10.there, and we get attacked by a fucking squirrel. A fucking
:18:10. > :18:15.squirrel from Leith. It came out of the rocks like a fucking sea
:18:15. > :18:25.squirrel. We thought it was a rat, but it had a bushy-tailed and was
:18:25. > :18:25.
:18:25. > :18:29.matted and dirty. And it just ran at us. There you are! And it
:18:29. > :18:36.fucking stared us down. I got stared down by a fucking squirrel.
:18:36. > :18:41.I'm not squared off you fuckers, but that squirrels get me. Stared
:18:41. > :18:45.me down and fucked off, and we found it half an hour later. It had
:18:45. > :18:51.probably never been up a tree in its life. Never eaten an acorn. It
:18:51. > :19:00.was eating the remnants of a fucking fish supper. Needs a bit of
:19:00. > :19:07.sauce,. The top of the walk to the bottom of the walk is probably
:19:07. > :19:13.about a mile. And at the bottom, it is all hunched over people, just
:19:13. > :19:19.dodging about. And at the top, you are into the new town, some of the
:19:19. > :19:24.most wealthiest genteel real-estate in the country. There are posh guys
:19:24. > :19:34.with surnames as first names, guys called Campbell, people whose
:19:34. > :19:36.
:19:36. > :19:43.parents locked in. There is Campbell. You know, just big guys,
:19:43. > :19:46.Scottish guy is. You can barely detect an accent"but I wear a kilt
:19:46. > :19:50.at weddings. So not everyone can be the perfect
:19:50. > :19:53.Scottish accent, but if you are as talented as American comic Rich
:19:53. > :19:58.Hall, you don't need it. You can get right under the skin of a
:19:58. > :20:08.Scottish audience and win them over with your encyclopedic intention to
:20:08. > :20:17.
:20:17. > :20:21.detail. Stand by for a masterclass in Scottish crowd-pleasing.
:20:21. > :20:26.You say stupid things intelligently. Or maybe it is intelligent things
:20:26. > :20:29.stupidly. Can't remember. It is not fucking rockets surgery.
:20:29. > :20:33.Once you have established where you are from an something funny about
:20:33. > :20:37.it, it is time to move on. Audiences think, what do you know
:20:37. > :20:42.about us? You are supposed to be the king of observation. What have
:20:42. > :20:50.you noticed about us? One thing I fucking love about Scotland is the
:20:50. > :20:55.money. It is like a treasure map. There is some weird shit going on.
:20:55. > :21:01.Occasionally, you will see research and development. If you ever saw
:21:01. > :21:11.Darwin America, something fucking went wrong. America is like, In God
:21:11. > :21:15.
:21:15. > :21:19.We Trust. Here? Darwin. That is why I love Scottish money. What? Y is
:21:19. > :21:27.Scottish currency not accepted in England? What is this? University
:21:27. > :21:37.Challenge? Well, you are looking at a man fighting for his life. That
:21:37. > :21:38.
:21:38. > :21:43.is what it is. Dodging bullets. HECKLING.
:21:43. > :21:53.Come on, Rich Hall. Why is Scottish money not accepted in England?
:21:53. > :21:56.
:21:56. > :22:01.is! It seems at this point, I could sneak off and no one would notice.
:22:01. > :22:04.I don't know, sir, but I promise I will look into it. Next year, I
:22:04. > :22:13.will do a one-hour show a why Scottish money is not accepted in
:22:13. > :22:17.the South. Everyone will know. think Rich Hall thrives on that. He
:22:17. > :22:23.is very aware of Scottishness. His very in tune with the Scottish. And
:22:23. > :22:33.they sense that. Scottish audiences are very blunt. They have paid
:22:33. > :22:33.
:22:33. > :22:37.their money, and they don't want to see a waste of time. I have learned
:22:37. > :22:41.to might not to spend money south of the border if it has pictures of
:22:41. > :22:46.people you have never heard of before on it. If the Proclaimers
:22:46. > :22:51.are on a �10 note, but is when this country has fucking arrived. That
:22:51. > :22:58.is pretty much Edinburgh. You don't know what is going to happen.
:22:58. > :23:02.Exactly. So I guess only one question remains. How do you end up
:23:02. > :23:06.a series that combines bikes surfing, leg injuries and
:23:06. > :23:12.unspeakable acts towards jumpers? The answer is simple, of course. A
:23:12. > :23:17.song. In high last clip from 2001, to mark the final night of the
:23:17. > :23:22.Edinburgh Fringe, Canadian comic Sean Coen took to the stage to sing
:23:22. > :23:28.Oh, Edinburgh, his lyrical tribute and fond farewell to the city
:23:28. > :23:38.combining accuracy, honesty, local references and the most magnificent
:23:38. > :23:42.attention to detail. Thanks to the amazing audiences who have come out.
:23:42. > :23:47.For in a stage of comics and a VAT and alcohol, and ladies and
:23:47. > :23:51.gentlemen, this is what you get. Every comic in the room, come on
:23:51. > :23:58.down? Where would you ever hear, can we have every comedian on the
:23:58. > :24:05.stage now, please? Every comedian in Edinburgh on stage. Everyone is
:24:05. > :24:11.going up on stage. Look at that. my God, there I am. I was beside
:24:11. > :24:16.myself at this, because this was my first Edinburgh. The song at the
:24:16. > :24:20.end was fantastic. I guess you felt as if you deserved it. You deserved
:24:20. > :24:22.to have an experience on the late stage that was positive after all
:24:22. > :24:26.the shit you had gone through. 19 comedians singing.
:24:26. > :24:36.# Oh, Edinburgh, I love your cobbled street.
:24:36. > :24:43.
:24:43. > :24:47.# From the grandeur of your town to the peaks of Leith. # From the
:24:47. > :24:52.castle on the hill to Wester Hills. # To the places in the sewers where
:24:52. > :24:57.the midgets sleep. # Oh, Edinburgh. # I have come to you again. It's
:24:57. > :25:02.like Live Aid. People in Africa would look at that and say, these
:25:02. > :25:08.people need help. # When I'm feeling lonely, you surround me in
:25:08. > :25:14.your mist. # Your guide me to the nearest pub.
:25:14. > :25:19.# And I get pissed. # Oh, Edinburgh.
:25:19. > :25:28.# Shine your light on me. # From the moment that I saw you, I
:25:28. > :25:34.knew I would never more be free. # Oh, Edinburgh.
:25:34. > :25:40.You diamond of the north. # I want to make love to you on the filthy
:25:40. > :25:50.Firth of Forth. The filthy Firth of Forth is great.
:25:50. > :25:52.
:25:52. > :25:54.# Oh, Edinburgh. # It always makes me smile. # To
:25:54. > :25:57.see a naked, drunken man running down the Royal Mile.
:25:57. > :26:07.Johnny Vegas. It's really sad. I'm looking for myself. I think I'm
:26:07. > :26:13.
:26:13. > :26:22.probably tied to a chair backstage. # I eat a deep-fried Mars bar.
:26:22. > :26:24.There's Dara, with his big shiny head! Dara's huge noggin rising
:26:24. > :26:30.like a giant big potato from the horde.
:26:31. > :26:33.# Oh, Edinburgh. Me, with my hanky. Sweaty man. Oh, God. # As I wander
:26:33. > :26:40.through the grass market, I watched an old man pee.
:26:40. > :26:44.I can't read the lyrics. # I think he is my friend.
:26:44. > :26:54.# He speaks to me in mysteries, then urinates again. # Oh,
:26:54. > :26:56.
:26:56. > :27:04.Edinburgh. Adam and I know this off by heart! # Oh, Edinburgh. That on
:27:04. > :27:14.stage now would probably cost about �1 million sterling. With all the
:27:14. > :27:15.
:27:15. > :27:18.agents holding us. # Oh, Edinburgh. # From the West down to the east. #
:27:18. > :27:26.Your air is always rich with the cloying stench of yeast.
:27:26. > :27:36.# Oh, Edinburgh. # whoa, Edinburgh. # Oh, Edinburgh.
:27:36. > :27:42.
:27:43. > :27:52.# Oh, Edinburgh. Oh, man. # I love... You. Look, none of us
:27:53. > :27:53.
:27:53. > :27:56.have a career. But now we are all on telly, and will want money. We
:27:56. > :27:59.would never do this together unless we all had contracts. We are all