0:00:29 > 0:00:32Go! Time to go, yeah.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54"Dear Mrs Gillespie, may God bless you all.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57"Always, but especially at these sad times. Dublin."
0:01:00 > 0:01:01"Dear Gillespie family,
0:01:01 > 0:01:05"I was greatly saddened and outraged to hear that several people
0:01:05 > 0:01:07"had been killed in a bomb explosion during the night."
0:01:07 > 0:01:10"I was further distressed to hear of the barbaric manner
0:01:10 > 0:01:12"in which Mr Gillespie was murdered.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15"It was a most dreadful and obscene crime
0:01:15 > 0:01:17"and I'm sure that the sorrow that you experienced
0:01:17 > 0:01:19"must be almost unbearable."
0:01:19 > 0:01:22"I have prayed for the repose of Mr Gillespie's soul
0:01:22 > 0:01:24"and for all your intentions.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28"With my sympathy and prayers. John, aged 17."
0:01:29 > 0:01:32"Dear Mrs Gillespie and family,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35"I have never written to anyone before like this,
0:01:35 > 0:01:39"but I wanted to let you know that there are people worldwide
0:01:39 > 0:01:42"who feel for you and focus their love on you."
0:01:42 > 0:01:46"Having seen the horror of what the IRA have done,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49"we wish to send you our condolences and wishes.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52"Mr Gillespie has not died in vain.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55"One day, there will be peace.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57"Our father's family was killed
0:01:57 > 0:02:02"in the Treblinka concentration camp in 1934.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04"A sympathiser. Australia."
0:02:06 > 0:02:07"Dear Kathleen,
0:02:07 > 0:02:11"please accept my heartfelt sympathy at your time of great loss.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14"No words can express how my heart feels for you
0:02:14 > 0:02:16"as my husband was murdered this year
0:02:16 > 0:02:19"in front of our two young sons, aged eight and five.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23"So, like yourself and your three children, my children and myself
0:02:23 > 0:02:26"are totally devastated and don't know how to carry on.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30"I have found that people on both sides of the community really do care
0:02:30 > 0:02:34"and, like you and me, cannot understand why people like Patsy and my husband,
0:02:34 > 0:02:38"who are innocent family men, end up as victims.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41"There's so many questions and no answers."
0:03:42 > 0:03:45OK. Oh, God! I didn't make enough.
0:03:45 > 0:03:51And I know it's hard when you get the first...read-through.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55And anything that doesn't work, we'll change.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57I will work with you till you're totally, totally happy.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00So, we're making progress.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08I'm not that interested in the story of someone's life
0:04:08 > 0:04:11just for the story of someone's life.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14And for me, it's always, what is the medicine in the story?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20What happens is I start meeting with people
0:04:20 > 0:04:25that may be possible performers and I interview them.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28And I ask them often very open-ended questions.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29"Tell me about your childhood.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33"What was it like to be you growing up? What was it like later?"
0:04:33 > 0:04:36I just sort of follow wherever they're going.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39A lot of people, when they haven't seen this work, say,
0:04:39 > 0:04:43"Oh, I know what you're talking about. You're doing drama therapy."
0:04:43 > 0:04:45And it's never that. The point of this
0:04:45 > 0:04:48is to make a full-length theatre production.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53That is not the point of drama therapy.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57"Patsy wasn't involved in anything to do with the Troubles,
0:04:57 > 0:05:01"but he became a target for the paramilitaries because of his work.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05"After his own business running mobile fruit and vegetable vans
0:05:05 > 0:05:08"stopped making money, he took a job as a civilian worker
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"in the kitchen at Fort George.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13"The paramilitaries were putting warnings in the paper,
0:05:13 > 0:05:17"but there weren't any other jobs available to unskilled labour
0:05:17 > 0:05:20"and Patsy was just trying to support his family."
0:05:26 > 0:05:31When Patsy was taken away from here, he was taken across the border.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34He was on the other side of the Coshquin checkpoint
0:05:34 > 0:05:37and he approached the checkpoint.
0:05:42 > 0:05:47He obviously was following instructions as to what he had to do.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Patsy knew that they were armed gunmen
0:05:54 > 0:05:56left in the house here with me and the weans,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59and Patsy would've done anything for us.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I think he would risk his own life
0:06:05 > 0:06:07before he would let anything happen to us.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Patsy was chained to the van
0:06:15 > 0:06:18and obviously knew that he would never get free.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28He drove into the search bay at the checkpoint.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35The van was detonated by remote control.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45He must've only had a few seconds.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49He shouted his warning and then...then the explosion.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55EXPLOSIVE BLAST
0:07:01 > 0:07:04There was five soldiers killed as well as Patsy.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Pure hatred.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20I just couldn't bear the thought...that human beings
0:07:20 > 0:07:25could actually sit down and plan such a horrific thing.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28It was so meticulously planned.
0:07:33 > 0:07:40I was living on hatred and anger and just wanting to do something.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44I didn't want revenge or anything like that.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I mean, I certainly don't believe in forgiveness.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49How do you forgive somebody that does something like that to you?
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Now, let's take our deep breaths. ALL INHALE SHARPLY
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Let's do it twice more.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14I just wanted to just talk a little bit about process.
0:08:14 > 0:08:20Well, it's more or less...what I expected, you know.
0:08:20 > 0:08:25Adding the letters is a wonderful inspiration by you.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29I thought that was... It was nice to have them included.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33There may be some things we want to cut. I don't know. Yeah.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38It's long, but as I was working with it, it was hard to know what to cut,
0:08:38 > 0:08:42because it feels all part of it. It all feels important to me.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Other people, feed back what you want to say. How are you feeling?
0:08:46 > 0:08:50It's just really, really inspirational, the way in which you've dealt with it.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53It feels such an honour to know you and the person.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55And for me being witness to you
0:08:55 > 0:09:01and how you've come through it is a part of my journey, even being in this, you know.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Thank you for the strength and the inspiration... Thank you.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06..that you bring to it.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Although I remember it all being on the news and all,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12through meeting Kathleen and hearing it from Kathleen, I mean you couldn't...
0:09:12 > 0:09:18It was just, "That's terrible! That's terrible!"
0:09:18 > 0:09:22but with meeting Kathleen and hearing all the details...
0:09:22 > 0:09:26As I say, it's sad, but it's beautiful.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30She says that you've told your story a million times.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33You're so brave reading it...
0:09:33 > 0:09:36and you're going to be reading it again and again and again
0:09:36 > 0:09:40and I can't see that it gets any easier at all.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44The way it's written, Teya, everything is in there
0:09:44 > 0:09:49and it's so concise and it's everything... You can see you in it.
0:09:49 > 0:09:55The letters, it's a great touch, because you're in...
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Whatever about the rest of the world, you're in our hearts now as well and we all feel for you.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Can I give you a hug?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Thank you. I'm sorry. Thank you!
0:10:08 > 0:10:12KATHLEEN SOBS
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Thank you.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18And it's great for us to be a part of that as well,
0:10:18 > 0:10:21to get the opportunity to read those letters for you.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24In the beginning part,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27I have people tell their stories to the group,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29usually just one person at a time,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32and I sort of set up the rules for us to just listen.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34"I was an ordinary little girl
0:10:34 > 0:10:37"growing up off the Shankill Road in the 1960s.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40"I dreamed of getting married one day and living in my own house.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43"I decorated that house in my mind for years.
0:10:43 > 0:10:49"Outside, it was going to have an old-fashioned street lamp and pump, painted black with gold trim.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54"Inside, three bedrooms, a real-leather suite and an indoor toilet.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58"It would have a garden out back with slides and swings for the children to play."
0:10:58 > 0:11:02And as you read it, Catherine, can you read it like you're talking?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04This is just a tool, but it's a tool that you want to...
0:11:04 > 0:11:08It's sort of like the raft going across the river,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11you want to get to the other side of the river and then you want to throw away the raft.
0:11:11 > 0:11:17You don't need it any more. Yes. Just as if you're sitting talking here when you say it? Exactly.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Like, just say, just now, just as a joke.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22"I was an ordinary girl growing up off the Shankill Road in the 1960s
0:11:22 > 0:11:26"and I dreamed of getting married one day and living in my own house."
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Just those two things. I was an ordinary girl
0:11:29 > 0:11:32just growing up off the Shankill Road in the 1960s
0:11:32 > 0:11:35and I dreamed of getting married, having my own house.
0:11:35 > 0:11:40Yeah. Keep going. And I could... I decorated that house in my dreams.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42And I'd have a lovely leather suite
0:11:42 > 0:11:46and out the back I would have a garden with slides and swings for the children.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51And what was the most important thing you had? The outside toilet?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Indoor toilet. The indoor! Oh, no! ALL LAUGH
0:11:53 > 0:11:56No, it had an outside toilet. But this was in your dream.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Oh, so I have to... Oh, right.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02I'll work with you for five minutes and we'll work it out.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04ALL LAUGH Well done.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07APPLAUSE
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Otherwise, you'll be the only one I know
0:12:09 > 0:12:12who dreams of an outdoor toilet. ALL LAUGH
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Half the audience is going to be able to relate to that.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17You know what I mean? Especially ones that are our age. Yeah.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Oh, our age? ALL LAUGH
0:12:20 > 0:12:23We had an outdoor toilet, I remember it well.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I was always within my own community.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I was always with the Protestant community.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Went to Protestant school.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38And you just didn't go out of your own area,
0:12:38 > 0:12:41you stuck with your own community.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46I was about 13-and-a-half when the Troubles started.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50We lived between the Falls Road and the Shankill Road
0:12:50 > 0:12:53and there was just the wall of the mills separated the two.
0:12:56 > 0:13:02You knew that the people on the other side of that wall...weren't the same as you, you know?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04This was your feeling.
0:13:08 > 0:13:14I just can remember men in a lorry coming down and just throwing bricks, bottles at the houses.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16They came with petrol bombs one night.
0:13:22 > 0:13:28I don't think I liked Catholics very much at that time, at that age, like, 14 years of age.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31MARCHING BAND PLAYS
0:13:32 > 0:13:36I just loved the 12th of July.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41I just loved all the parades. It was a real carnival atmosphere.
0:13:41 > 0:13:47I just always loved the tradition of bands. I mean, my father was in a band and...I joined a band.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I wanted to be British. I wanted to remain part of Britain.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57Anywhere I could be to demonstrate that, that's where I was.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Three years after I was married, I had my first son.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05When I was pregnant with him,
0:14:05 > 0:14:09I was out on a lunch break from work one day
0:14:09 > 0:14:11and we'd gone to the Wimpy cafe.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16And two girls came in and actually planted a bomb almost at my feet.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18EXPLOSION
0:14:18 > 0:14:20SIRENS BLARE
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I heard the explosion a few minutes after we'd got out of the cafe.
0:14:32 > 0:14:38because with working in the city centre, there were bomb scares all the time.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41And the windows...I remember them being blown in
0:14:41 > 0:14:45and then where I worked they got reinforced glass and stuff in.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49But when people were running frantic when bombs had gone off,
0:14:49 > 0:14:51we would've brought them in
0:14:51 > 0:14:55and I could've made them tea to try and settle them down.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58But after the incident in the Wimpy, I totally...
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I couldn't have done anything like that.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I really went to pieces after that.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13When I remarried, I had two more children.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18But after the birth of my daughter, I took postnatal depression.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23THUNDER RUMBLES
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I didn't know what was happening to me,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I just thought my head was going away.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Everything was a problem to me.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Then I wouldn't go out of the house.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44And then I kept my blinds closed.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48And then when people didn't call to see me, I blamed people. "Nobody cares."
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Even family were saying, "Snap out of it! Snap out of it!"
0:15:54 > 0:15:57But...I just didn't know what to snap out of.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04I want us to stand up. Yeah.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07You carry the bowl and it's usually that...
0:16:07 > 0:16:10'I always need to know how much can people tolerate,
0:16:10 > 0:16:15'with the hope that the audience comes to bear witness,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17'to see the other as self.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20'To recognise themselves in each person,
0:16:20 > 0:16:24'especially in somebody that's telling a story about being a perpetrator.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28'It's easier in some ways to identify with a survivor.'
0:16:30 > 0:16:33"I was 13 when the hunger strikes began
0:16:33 > 0:16:35"and that was all anyone talked about.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38"I could've told you the names and times of death
0:16:38 > 0:16:40"of each of the hunger strikers.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43"When I was 13, I acted and was far older than I should've been.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47"I fancied all the boys running around in balaclavas and throwing petrol bombs.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50"The IRA were our saviours, our heroes, our protectors.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"In my eyes, they could do no wrong."
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Born in Derry, brought up in Derry.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03There was always stuff going on. There was always riots,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06there was always shootings, there was always bombings.
0:17:07 > 0:17:15I was getting police and soldier harassment.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18whether I knew it or not, of things that were going on.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Then in 1972, Bloody Sunday happened.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32GUNSHOTS
0:17:35 > 0:17:40My mother's brother, Michael McDaid, was killed on Bloody Sunday.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44He was one of the ones that was shot at the barricades.
0:17:44 > 0:17:50When he was shot, it went through his cheek, hit off his jawbone and ricocheted down through his heart.
0:17:50 > 0:17:55And then he was thrown into the back of a Land Rover with two other fellas and he wasn't dead.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58He ended up suffocating with the other bodies too.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00GUNSHOT
0:18:06 > 0:18:10I'd been going to marches and demonstrations.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14I had been to numerous funerals over the years.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18I'd known lots of people that were killed in the Troubles.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Two from Cable Street...
0:18:21 > 0:18:24but all those boys used to hang round the bottom of the street.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Erm...and I knew them all.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31It's hard to watch men cry,
0:18:31 > 0:18:35but it was hard to watch all those boys fall apart so badly.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39I remember the sadness. I remember knowing that there was something wrong.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45I just absorbed everything and took it all so serious
0:18:45 > 0:18:48and I lived it day by day.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52I became involved in the IRA at the age of 18.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54I was asked by a friend of mine to join up
0:18:54 > 0:18:57and at the time I didn't know what he was asking me,
0:18:57 > 0:19:00but when I realised that he was actually asking me to join up,
0:19:00 > 0:19:04I knew straightaway that I would say yes.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I didn't think that I would ever end up involved in the IRA,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13cos I didn't think that maybe I was good enough
0:19:13 > 0:19:14or because I was a woman.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16But when that opportunity came,
0:19:16 > 0:19:20I felt that they obviously thought that I was good enough.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27And from that day on, I started going to the usual meetings
0:19:27 > 0:19:31and the swearing-in...and ended up becoming a quartermaster.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42I was a wee bit...anxious about hearing your story.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Wondering how I would react to it, you know.
0:19:45 > 0:19:50And...in a way, I feel...
0:19:52 > 0:19:57..I don't know, feeling sorry for you is not the right way to express it,
0:19:57 > 0:20:01but I just feel that maybe you were misguided a wee bit.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02That's my feeling.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07'Teya told me who to expect to be in the play,
0:20:07 > 0:20:13'but, obviously, I had to meet them before I realised whether I could work with them or not.
0:20:13 > 0:20:20'So we went on a residential and that was like a bonding thing.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I knew who she was and I nodded at her and she nodded back.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26And...I was physically shaking,
0:20:26 > 0:20:30physically shaking and close to tears and thinking,
0:20:30 > 0:20:31"Right, how's this going to go?"
0:20:31 > 0:20:35It was strange sitting there wondering, "Which one's the IRA woman now?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38"Which one's the IRA woman?" SHE LAUGHS
0:20:38 > 0:20:40And then we started telling bits of our stories
0:20:40 > 0:20:42and Anne started saying...
0:20:42 > 0:20:46And she looked straight at me, you know, and I thought, "All right, this is her. This is her."
0:20:46 > 0:20:49So when I was telling my story, I was physically shaking
0:20:49 > 0:20:53and I was conscious of every time I mentioned anything about the Provos,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56that this woman was sitting beside me and I couldn't turn round
0:20:56 > 0:20:59to see how she was reacting or how she was feeling.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04By the end of me telling all these women what I could of my story,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06the tears were running down my cheeks.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07I turned around to Kathleen
0:21:07 > 0:21:10and she just put her arms around me and gave me a big hug.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13And...she cried and I cried
0:21:13 > 0:21:16and I thanked her and she told me it was OK.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18And I couldn't believe it.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Hi, Maria. LAUGHTER
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Wow! LAUGHTER
0:21:32 > 0:21:35'Maria...she's a serving police officer.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38'And being a serving police officer now
0:21:38 > 0:21:41'means that basically you could potentially be a target.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45'There are death threats out on police.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50'And so anywhere she goes, something could happen to her or those around her.'
0:21:51 > 0:21:55What she has said is she's willing to take that risk herself,
0:21:55 > 0:22:00but she's not willing to be in a crowd where something could happen to somebody else.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03And because this is very public and if she was performing live,
0:22:03 > 0:22:08anyone would know where the next performance was going to be and if they wanted to do something,
0:22:08 > 0:22:11she would be a good candidate.
0:22:11 > 0:22:17So she chose...in a gruelling decision for her and for all of us,
0:22:17 > 0:22:19not to perform live.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22How I got involved in Theatre of Witness,
0:22:22 > 0:22:29it all started with Teya's first production of We Carried Your Secrets,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32And I was supportive of him
0:22:32 > 0:22:36and the work that he had to put in that was involved in it.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Teya just told me about her plans for this production.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42The more I knew about it and the more she told me about it
0:22:42 > 0:22:47and how it was going to be structured and just generally chatting to her,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50before I knew it, she had me hooked. SHE LAUGHS
0:22:50 > 0:22:52GENERAL CHATTER
0:22:57 > 0:23:01'It is about Maria Murphy growing up as a child,
0:23:01 > 0:23:06'just my background, significant things compiled to make my story.'
0:23:06 > 0:23:07The whole thing head to toe.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12Action. 'I came from a single-parent family, just growing up with that,
0:23:12 > 0:23:17'just with my mum and my sister, but always in the background just wondering how my dad was,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20'what he was thinking, where he was, was he thinking about me?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22'Was he thinking about us?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28'All the incidents that have taken place over the years in my life
0:23:28 > 0:23:31'have actually been stepping stones
0:23:31 > 0:23:34'to the career that I have chosen now.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38'Being a neighbourhood officer, you have that wee bit of freedom
0:23:38 > 0:23:41'to get involved in the different groups that are in your communities.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44'You do get to know people that wee bit better.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50'So I know their backgrounds. They know me and I know them.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52'You're going to a call and you already know what the history
0:23:52 > 0:23:55'is there and what's making people tick.'
0:23:55 > 0:23:58I remember a call.
0:23:58 > 0:24:04It was a potential suicide and I took this grown man by the hand.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06"What's going on in your head tonight?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09"What's so bad that can't be sorted?
0:24:09 > 0:24:13"Come downstairs with me and we'll talk."
0:24:13 > 0:24:18I noticed he had a Miraculous Medal pinned to his jumper.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21"Ah, your wee Miraculous Medal."
0:24:21 > 0:24:25He said, "You know what that is?"
0:24:25 > 0:24:30"Yes, I do. And your guardian angel is with you tonight."
0:24:30 > 0:24:32And he was.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37You did that really, really well, so you did.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40That all came together just nicely.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Well, Robin Young, he's my rock,
0:24:42 > 0:24:44if you can get him in there in the background.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Oh, and he's modest too.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Robin's my partner and, yeah, he'd been involved in the first...
0:24:50 > 0:24:53in the cast of the first production.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55'I am Robin Young.'
0:24:55 > 0:24:58'The reason why I'm not here with you in person today
0:24:58 > 0:25:00'is because I'm a serving police officer
0:25:00 > 0:25:05'and for some people, my uniform can become the cause for an attack.'
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Teya contacted me and she actually... She used the words,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11"A wonderful thing has happened."
0:25:11 > 0:25:14And when I contacted her, she said,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17"Listen, Patsy Gillespie's widow, Kathleen,
0:25:17 > 0:25:21"was in the audience and she heard what you had to say
0:25:21 > 0:25:23"and she was wondering if she could meet you?"
0:25:26 > 0:25:31'Her husband Patsy's story was named and spoken about in the script,
0:25:31 > 0:25:35'because Robin, who was on the body recovery team,
0:25:35 > 0:25:39'had been called to that case and had spoken about it.'
0:25:39 > 0:25:43'I started from 300 yards away and slowly moved in.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47'We fanned out in a circle, each taking a triangular-shaped wedge
0:25:47 > 0:25:50'in towards the middle of the huge crater.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53'The place was littered with human body parts.'
0:25:59 > 0:26:04I go out to Patsy's grave and I put flowers on the grave and whatever.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06And all these years, I've been thinking to myself,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09"Maybe Patsy's not even there."
0:26:09 > 0:26:15I don't know who's in there, because I feel more affinity at Coshquin than I do at the actual cemetery,
0:26:15 > 0:26:17cos I think, maybe Patsy's still
0:26:17 > 0:26:20lying around here somewhere or bits of him or whatever.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Massive explosions create massive trauma to the body.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35BIRDSONG
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Within an hour or so, we realised that what had happened was...
0:26:39 > 0:26:42It was called a human bomb and that's effectively what it was.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I spoke to this policeman and I said,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50"Can you tell me, is there a possibility
0:26:50 > 0:26:55"that...bits of the soldiers are in Patsy's coffin?"
0:27:03 > 0:27:07'We knew that there'd been an armoured personnel carrier
0:27:07 > 0:27:10'actually sitting static inside the checkpoint.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14'Of course, the whole place was levelled at that stage,
0:27:14 > 0:27:18'but I can remember working my way through the rubble of the building
0:27:18 > 0:27:21'and...I lifted a brick...
0:27:21 > 0:27:24'underneath was a human heart.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28'And that was all that was left of whoever had been unfortunate enough
0:27:28 > 0:27:30'to be standing there when the bomb went off.'
0:27:33 > 0:27:36'The heart could've been Patsy's.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40'Naturally enough, there was six killed that night, but who's to say?
0:27:42 > 0:27:47'Kathie would've had issues with, how could she know who was in the coffin?
0:27:47 > 0:27:51'Bearing in mind that her husband and a lot of other people had been involved in the explosion.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54'And we could at least discuss that and at least be honest
0:27:54 > 0:27:57'and say things weren't as advanced as they are now,
0:27:57 > 0:28:03'but, hand on heart, people would've been... They would've identified him to the best of their ability.'
0:28:10 > 0:28:15'He said "Kathleen, 20 years ago, the DNA wasn't what it is now,
0:28:15 > 0:28:20'"so probably it was just distributed into the six coffins."'
0:28:24 > 0:28:29So that was fine by me, because it confirmed that I wasn't going crazy.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Cos I would stand at the grave, thinking,
0:28:32 > 0:28:34"Am I praying to you, Patsy, or am I praying to all these soldiers?"
0:28:34 > 0:28:40Which I didn't mind. I mean that's fine, I pray for the soldiers anyway
0:28:40 > 0:28:43and I put flowers down at Coshquin for them at the anniversary.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47But I just needed it clear in my head
0:28:47 > 0:28:52that I was praying not for Patsy alone but for the soldiers as well.
0:28:52 > 0:28:57And that's what I got clear that day. And it was like...
0:28:57 > 0:29:01just another thing, another weight getting taken away from me,
0:29:01 > 0:29:04something else that I didn't have to worry about any more.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06So now I know and that's fine.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11Thank you for everything coming together,
0:29:11 > 0:29:15and even though Teya's worried about it, we can see an ending.
0:29:15 > 0:29:19We can see all the good work that she's done and how she's keeping true to all of us.
0:29:19 > 0:29:20Thank you.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23(I'm not worried about it.) THEY LAUGH
0:29:23 > 0:29:32I'm not worried at all, I'm just...watching it. SHE LAUGHS
0:29:32 > 0:29:35And in love. ALL LAUGH
0:29:35 > 0:29:37And so...
0:29:37 > 0:29:39Yes!
0:29:39 > 0:29:46"As it was written, there was a famine in the land of Bethlehem.
0:29:46 > 0:29:50"Naomi and her husband Elimelech journeyed to Moab with their sons."
0:29:50 > 0:29:55'One day, Ruth, after a very tumultuous session, she said,
0:29:55 > 0:29:58'"You know, if I could just tell my story like the story of the Book of Ruth..."'
0:29:58 > 0:30:01And I went, "What did you just say?!
0:30:01 > 0:30:04"Why can't you do that? Let's do that."
0:30:04 > 0:30:05And she went, "Really?!"
0:30:05 > 0:30:08"Naomi who was left bereft..."
0:30:08 > 0:30:12'When I kind of considered the stories of some of the other women that were taking part in the project,
0:30:12 > 0:30:16'it really felt like I didn't have a story.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23'I wasn't really sure what it was that I wanted to give voice to.
0:30:23 > 0:30:27'I think the story of Ruth to me is a story of loyalty.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30'It's where a woman has lost her husband
0:30:30 > 0:30:34'and her mother-in-law has lost her husband because of a famine.
0:30:34 > 0:30:38'And she decides to stick with her mother-in-law and return to her mother-in-law's land.
0:30:38 > 0:30:44'So she leaves her own people...and she journeys into an unknown.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48'But also the story develops into one
0:30:48 > 0:30:52'of enormous kind of kindness that people show to each other
0:30:52 > 0:30:55'and kindness towards a stranger in their midst.'
0:30:57 > 0:31:00Ruth, you're going to have to slow way, way, way down, cos...
0:31:00 > 0:31:03TEYA'S VOICE FADES
0:31:08 > 0:31:19I was called Ruth and I was kind of reflecting on the biblical Ruth.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24I suppose I come from a Christian, evangelical family background
0:31:24 > 0:31:27and that was quite a structured kind of life.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31My dad was an elder in the Free Presbyterian Church.
0:31:35 > 0:31:41Ian Paisley represented them and was a voice for some of their own kind of thoughts and fears.
0:31:41 > 0:31:46And for me, it just seems to present such a challenge for us in Northern Ireland.
0:31:46 > 0:31:51You know, where you grew up and mixed marriages had been so taboo,
0:31:51 > 0:31:54selling land between us and Catholics and vice versa was so taboo.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00I can remember at one point, probably in my 20s,
0:32:00 > 0:32:04really struggling with some attitudes maybe even within my family.
0:32:09 > 0:32:14Our family were also very politically aware, politically engaged.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19Because it was a border area and a border community,
0:32:19 > 0:32:21I became very aware of kind of the divisions
0:32:21 > 0:32:26and I became aware of people around me kind of feeling targeted and under threat.
0:32:27 > 0:32:32The experience was that actually the Protestant community was under attack.
0:32:35 > 0:32:40I kind of had this yearning of wanting to be like the biblical Ruth.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43Whilst we kind of grow up with these stories and understand them,
0:32:43 > 0:32:46it was like, "How do you understand that in your everyday life?
0:32:46 > 0:32:49"In what way can that be a kind of guiding principle?
0:32:51 > 0:32:53"What does it mean? What it does mean for my own life?
0:32:53 > 0:32:56"What does it mean for us in Northern Ireland?
0:32:56 > 0:33:00"What does it mean in terms of the relationships between people and communities here?"
0:33:03 > 0:33:07I can remember the moment when I decided that I wanted to leave Northern Ireland.
0:33:11 > 0:33:15It felt like that there just was no choice and...crammed in.
0:33:15 > 0:33:19I mean, I really did feel like you lived in a box.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22I suppose in some ways, like, my story is a story of escape.
0:33:27 > 0:33:32MARCHING BAND PLAYS Except you can't actually escape.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38I struggled around what I saw as sort of a script
0:33:38 > 0:33:42for a woman growing up within a kind of evangelical community.
0:33:45 > 0:33:49What do you do? Do you deny yourself? Deny your family? Deny those people?
0:34:04 > 0:34:09Take the ciggies. Where do we go for the...smokies?
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Oh, there we go for the smokie.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13Out there and then pull up the...
0:34:13 > 0:34:16Do you know, I meant to bring the script with me but forgot.
0:34:16 > 0:34:20I'm going back to practise. Yeah.
0:34:25 > 0:34:29Like quarter past seven. Anne's rushing for herself then.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31Eh? You're rushing to get your own make-up on.
0:34:31 > 0:34:35You're doing everybody else's make-up and then you have your own to do.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38Now? You could do mine too, cos I don't care.
0:34:38 > 0:34:42We probably won't need any, like, but... Yes, we do.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45Why did you say, "No, you don't"?
0:34:45 > 0:34:51We all do! We all do! Stage make-up? Right. Yeah.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54Smokes out here. All right.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56CHATTER
0:35:00 > 0:35:05When I young, I wanted to be a gymnast, a dancer, a PE teacher,
0:35:05 > 0:35:09but I couldn't read when I went to school and I thought I was stupid.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12But when I danced I felt alive and free.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18Do you want me to go on? Yeah, yeah. THEY LAUGH
0:35:18 > 0:35:23"Do you want me to go on?" I've given you five words, shall I give you ten?
0:35:23 > 0:35:25The Troubles started when I was seven.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27We lived off the Shankill Road.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30Back then Protestants and Catholics would play together.
0:35:30 > 0:35:34We would go to their bonfires and parties and play wee games on the street. OK, OK.
0:35:34 > 0:35:40So let's take it from the first... from where you're going to your grandmother's.
0:35:40 > 0:35:44So we're just going to run the music.
0:35:45 > 0:35:49But I once knew a girl who claimed back her life.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51Who learned to say, "No!" MUSIC PLAYS
0:35:51 > 0:35:54Even when her world was dark, she never stopped imagining,
0:35:54 > 0:35:59who got help and support and found out she wasn't alone.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01I am that girl.
0:36:04 > 0:36:08Therese Parker McCann, a woman of strength.
0:36:10 > 0:36:11Wonderful.
0:36:18 > 0:36:22Well, I thought I was...the invisible one.
0:36:22 > 0:36:26I was always doing things to make my mummy happy.
0:36:26 > 0:36:32I just wanted her to love me.
0:36:32 > 0:36:37and getting them out to school, I was helping her and she'd be happy and love me.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40But she never ever praised me or nothing.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43But I always kept doing this, I did, just to make her happy,
0:36:43 > 0:36:45cos she always looked so sad.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49My mummy's brother always lived with us,
0:36:49 > 0:36:52because we hadn't much money at the time and when he stayed with her,
0:36:52 > 0:36:55he would give her money to keep, to pay for food and stuff.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57So that's the reason she let him stay there.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02She would go to bingo and I would be at the gymnastic club
0:37:02 > 0:37:04and I would come home and he was always there.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07And he was always touching me and kissing me
0:37:07 > 0:37:10and doing things and giving me money.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12I was 11.
0:37:53 > 0:37:55I just went into my own wee world.
0:37:55 > 0:37:59I'd go home and go up the stairs and play with my dolls.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01I would just go into my fantasy world.
0:38:03 > 0:38:07My fantasy world where I was safe, where I knew nobody could hurt me.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12I loved the fairy tales, loved angels.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19My marriage broke down because of it.
0:38:19 > 0:38:23I couldn't have my husband touching me or coming anywhere near me, it just brought back all memories.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26I was having nightmares after nightmares.
0:38:26 > 0:38:31I told him about it, but he didn't understand and...we just drifted apart.
0:38:36 > 0:38:42I met a man, went through domestic violence for seven, eight years with him.
0:38:43 > 0:38:48And I finally got away from him, like, but had a wee girl to him.
0:38:48 > 0:38:50And...it was hell. Real hell.
0:38:55 > 0:39:00I met Therese over at Newpin, which is a community programme
0:39:00 > 0:39:07for women who have really...been abused or have had problems raising their children,
0:39:07 > 0:39:10who really have issues of self-esteem.
0:39:10 > 0:39:14Teya came over and I was...I'm very quiet
0:39:14 > 0:39:17and all the other women were all talking
0:39:17 > 0:39:20and I said, "I'd love to do this."
0:39:20 > 0:39:23But I just sat there and the women were all talking away to Teya
0:39:23 > 0:39:26and I said if, I don't open my mouth I'm not going to..."
0:39:26 > 0:39:31But I looked at Teya and Teya looked at me and, I don't know, I just felt something from her.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34We were sitting at a kitchen table and I said,
0:39:34 > 0:39:38"If anybody would like to meet with me individually before we meet as a group, I'm open to that."
0:39:38 > 0:39:40And Theresa raised her hand.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43And then she told me when we did meet that she never speaks in a group.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45She had never spoken in a group.
0:39:45 > 0:39:48She'd been going ten years, she never spoke in the group
0:39:48 > 0:39:53And something, I don't know, I think she saw in me
0:39:53 > 0:39:55something about her mother.
0:39:55 > 0:39:58Something happened, I don't know what it was, we just clicked.
0:39:58 > 0:40:03I says, "God, if I don't speak up, how am I going to do this?"
0:40:03 > 0:40:06Then, when I spoke to her later on,
0:40:06 > 0:40:09she said to me, "When you asked me to go individual," she says,
0:40:09 > 0:40:11"I wanted you to say that, there.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13"I was hoping that you would speak to me."
0:40:13 > 0:40:15She said, "Because I just seen something in you."
0:40:15 > 0:40:18Then, when I met with all the other women,
0:40:18 > 0:40:22it was an instant bond, but the trust was just there.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25When we met we just opened up to each other
0:40:25 > 0:40:28and I thought I would never, ever do this.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31I spoke in a group for the first time in my life
0:40:31 > 0:40:34and told my story, and they listened to me.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37And nobody interrupted or talked over you
0:40:37 > 0:40:42and I think that's what gave me the confidence to talk.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45Everybody has messed up. No, it's brilliant.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51I never thought my story meant anything, or...
0:40:51 > 0:40:53felt anything to anybody.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55Nobody seemed to care about me.
0:40:55 > 0:40:58And all these people in this one room
0:40:58 > 0:41:00were all showing this love and care
0:41:00 > 0:41:04and I felt...I felt loved for the first time.
0:41:04 > 0:41:05Really loved.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08I like your leggings.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11Yeah, I'm wearing them. Haven't brought my shoes.
0:41:11 > 0:41:12Did you get new leggings, Anne?
0:41:12 > 0:41:15I did, aye. They're good. Oh, aye, those are lovely.
0:41:15 > 0:41:16But I think they might still be dark.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18No, they're not as dark as the other ones.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20Not exactly white, now, are they?!
0:41:20 > 0:41:23I think he says khaki. I was like, "What's khaki?"
0:41:29 > 0:41:31OK, could people go look at your props
0:41:31 > 0:41:33and make sure your litter's in the right place,
0:41:33 > 0:41:35your mops, your brooms, your...
0:41:35 > 0:41:37'I don't have a real clear picture, ever.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40'I don't all of a sudden go, "Oh, this is what it's going to look like
0:41:40 > 0:41:43'"from beginning, middle and end." It's sort of like stitching a quilt,
0:41:43 > 0:41:45'little by little, it kind of reveals itself.
0:41:45 > 0:41:49'But, since doing this since 1986 when I started,
0:41:49 > 0:41:51'I can say I trust the process.'
0:41:51 > 0:41:53So, um, Peter you're all set and ready.
0:41:53 > 0:41:57I don't know where all the cues are so, I mean I, er...
0:41:57 > 0:42:00And if we turn the lights out I won't really be able to see.
0:42:00 > 0:42:01It's too soon, but keep going,
0:42:01 > 0:42:04we'll never get over - we're still in the first page.
0:42:04 > 0:42:07All right, so then we go from the blackout.
0:42:08 > 0:42:10OK, let's stop for a second. MUSIC PLAYS
0:42:10 > 0:42:13Could somebody turn the music off for a minute?
0:42:15 > 0:42:18Um, it's just everybody should've been clearing their own stuff
0:42:18 > 0:42:20off the stage. Their bowls. Er...
0:42:20 > 0:42:24And not putting them behind you, but taking them off, and who...?
0:42:24 > 0:42:25Aye, from "The Four Corners."
0:42:25 > 0:42:28Yeah, OK. So, let's just take it from "The Four Corners."
0:42:30 > 0:42:31MUSIC PLAYS
0:42:31 > 0:42:35The psychiatrist got me talking. Put me on tablets.
0:42:35 > 0:42:37I met regularly with the psychiatric nurse
0:42:37 > 0:42:39and joined a counselling group.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43The burden of untold stories began to lift.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45Right, OK, let's stop.
0:42:45 > 0:42:49Um, I think the music was supposed to cut off a long time ago.
0:42:51 > 0:42:54So, everybody's ready?
0:42:54 > 0:42:55Have fun.
0:43:02 > 0:43:05You did great for a first run through with this.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07We'll meet - what time is it now?
0:43:07 > 0:43:10It's, um... Quarter past seven. It's ten after seven, yeah.
0:43:10 > 0:43:15So, it, um...7:25 - or 7:30, I'll meet you in the green room, OK?
0:43:18 > 0:43:21I couldn't make healing happen if I wanted to make healing happen.
0:43:21 > 0:43:25Healing happens on its own.
0:43:25 > 0:43:28We all heal in different ways and different times.
0:43:28 > 0:43:31I think that the process of doing this work opens people up
0:43:31 > 0:43:34and something naturally happens.
0:43:37 > 0:43:41And also, hopefully be inspired to make whatever changes they want
0:43:41 > 0:43:45in their own lives to get back in touch with what's important,
0:43:45 > 0:43:47who do they could care about? What do they love?
0:43:47 > 0:43:51What do they want to do in their life before they die?
0:44:30 > 0:44:33It's been heartbreaking that we had to put her part on film,
0:44:33 > 0:44:38um, because Maria... Ah, she adds so much to the group.
0:44:41 > 0:44:42Hey!
0:44:42 > 0:44:45Oh, Maria!
0:44:47 > 0:44:49Hello!
0:44:49 > 0:44:50Everything's OK.
0:44:50 > 0:44:53On the question about whether people are ready,
0:44:53 > 0:44:55in a post-conflict society to tell their stories,
0:44:55 > 0:44:59I, first of all, really believe people are always ready
0:44:59 > 0:45:01to tell their stories -
0:45:01 > 0:45:04in the right environment, given the right circumstances.
0:45:04 > 0:45:07People don't reveal more than they want to reveal.
0:45:07 > 0:45:09You know, sometimes people say to me, "Don't you worry
0:45:09 > 0:45:11"that you're going to open up something really awful
0:45:11 > 0:45:13"or really hard?"
0:45:13 > 0:45:17And people don't open up unless, in fact, they want to open it.
0:45:17 > 0:45:20What they do need to know is that you won't be scared
0:45:20 > 0:45:22by what they open up.
0:45:22 > 0:45:24That you are not going to find it unbearable.
0:45:24 > 0:45:28That they can say whatever they need to say, and it will be OK.
0:45:35 > 0:45:37I've had a few projects in my life
0:45:37 > 0:45:40where I've had a group that's as wonderful as this group,
0:45:40 > 0:45:42but very, very few.
0:45:42 > 0:45:44Less than on one hand.
0:45:44 > 0:45:47This group, there's such deep love between them
0:45:47 > 0:45:50and they have so much fun and they're just a riot together,
0:45:50 > 0:45:54and they miss each other on the days they don't see each other.
0:45:56 > 0:45:57Should we go?
0:46:00 > 0:46:05# When I was just a little girl
0:46:05 > 0:46:12# I asked my mother, what will I be?
0:46:12 > 0:46:15# Will I be pretty?
0:46:15 > 0:46:18# Will I be rich?
0:46:18 > 0:46:22# Here's what she said to me
0:46:22 > 0:46:27# Que sera, sera
0:46:27 > 0:46:32# Whatever will be, will be
0:46:32 > 0:46:37# The future's not ours to see
0:46:37 > 0:46:43# Que sera, sera
0:46:43 > 0:46:48# What will be, will be. #
0:46:52 > 0:46:56I look back at the dreams that I had as a little girl growing up.
0:46:56 > 0:47:00I did get married and get my first home.
0:47:00 > 0:47:04But it was a wee two-up, two-down, just like I'd come from.
0:47:04 > 0:47:09No old-fashioned street lamp and pump and no inside toilet.
0:47:10 > 0:47:14But I decorated that outside one with paint and paper
0:47:14 > 0:47:17and I made it look as modern as I could.
0:47:17 > 0:47:19I loved that wee house.
0:47:21 > 0:47:24As a young girl I hadn't yet lived enough to realise
0:47:24 > 0:47:26the power of dreams.
0:47:26 > 0:47:28The dream of letting go of bitterness.
0:47:28 > 0:47:32The dream of raising three children and two grandchildren,
0:47:32 > 0:47:34with none of them involved.
0:47:34 > 0:47:37The dream of being a woman, a mother and a grandmother.
0:47:40 > 0:47:42I'm proud of what I have done with my wee life.
0:47:45 > 0:47:49One particular night I was called to man an explosives device.
0:47:51 > 0:47:56That day I'd had a really sore head and I didn't want to do this -
0:47:56 > 0:47:58not because my head was sore,
0:47:58 > 0:48:00but I had been a quartermaster running guns and explosives.
0:48:00 > 0:48:04I'd never been directly involved in having to kill somebody -
0:48:04 > 0:48:06and that's what they were asking me to do.
0:48:06 > 0:48:08I never said no.
0:48:09 > 0:48:13When I went to meet the fella that was doing the job with me,
0:48:13 > 0:48:14I was glad it was him.
0:48:14 > 0:48:16He was a good comrade, a good friend, treated me all right,
0:48:16 > 0:48:19and while we were waiting for the patrol to pass,
0:48:19 > 0:48:21I really, really had to go to the toilet.
0:48:21 > 0:48:24He says, "Anne, you'd better go. I don't want any accidents here."
0:48:24 > 0:48:26"I'll only be two seconds."
0:48:26 > 0:48:29There was a pub down the road - I went down to the pub.
0:48:29 > 0:48:31Went to the bathroom, back out again.
0:48:31 > 0:48:33There was steps for me to climb up and as I was climbing those steps,
0:48:33 > 0:48:36there was a God-awful pain in my head.
0:48:36 > 0:48:40It was as if somebody had hit me in the head with a hammer.
0:48:40 > 0:48:42I got round to him and he said,
0:48:42 > 0:48:43"Jesus, Anne, what's happened to you?"
0:48:43 > 0:48:45"I don't know, my head's a bit sore."
0:48:45 > 0:48:46"You'd better go home."
0:48:46 > 0:48:49"I'm not going anywhere, I'm staying here with you."
0:48:49 > 0:48:53But within a couple of minutes, I was throwing my guts up.
0:48:53 > 0:48:55"Anne, you have to go.
0:48:55 > 0:48:57"Don't worry about this, I'll look after it.
0:48:57 > 0:49:01"It doesn't look like they're coming anyway." And he made me go.
0:49:01 > 0:49:05It transpired that I had had a brain haemorrhage
0:49:05 > 0:49:08and ended up needing full brain surgery.
0:49:08 > 0:49:11My father spent the whole night in hospital with me
0:49:11 > 0:49:15holding my hand, watching me throwing up blood,
0:49:15 > 0:49:18not knowing whether I was going to live or die.
0:49:18 > 0:49:21And the life that I was leading, I could have ended up dead.
0:49:21 > 0:49:25Bullets, bombs. I could've ended up life imprisonment.
0:49:25 > 0:49:29How hard would it have been for my daddy to hold my hand then?
0:49:29 > 0:49:34And I believe that God works in mysterious ways.
0:49:34 > 0:49:39It was one hell of a mysterious way to get me out of that situation.
0:49:39 > 0:49:41The Brits were never going to come that night,
0:49:41 > 0:49:44because an informer had informed on the whole thing.
0:49:44 > 0:49:46What would have happened
0:49:46 > 0:49:50was that we would've been lifted, shot, arrested.
0:49:50 > 0:49:52They knew we were there.
0:49:52 > 0:49:55The Brits were never going to come that night and I'm glad.
0:49:55 > 0:49:57Because even though I wanted to be part of the cause
0:49:57 > 0:50:00and the justice of setting Ireland free,
0:50:00 > 0:50:02it was never in me to go so far down that road.
0:50:03 > 0:50:06It was never in me to be that type of person.
0:50:06 > 0:50:08Is it really in any of us?
0:50:10 > 0:50:12Each stair...
0:50:13 > 0:50:15..was like for ever.
0:50:18 > 0:50:21Just when I put my hand on the handle of the door,
0:50:21 > 0:50:23that's when he grabbed me.
0:50:23 > 0:50:26I kept closing my eyes, saying, "I want go home.
0:50:26 > 0:50:28"I want to go home."
0:50:29 > 0:50:32Then he said to me I could go home
0:50:35 > 0:50:38Then he told me not to tell anybody.
0:50:38 > 0:50:41Something bad was happening.
0:50:41 > 0:50:44Something dark and so scary.
0:50:44 > 0:50:48That's where I would go into my pretend world, where I was safe.
0:50:48 > 0:50:50Nobody could hurt me.
0:50:50 > 0:50:54The world of fairy tales and angels.
0:50:54 > 0:51:00Where I could be anybody I wanted, like the Little Mermaid, Cinderella.
0:51:00 > 0:51:05I loved beautiful dresses. I loved dolls. Antique furniture.
0:51:05 > 0:51:10The smell of old wood. Fairies and angels.
0:51:10 > 0:51:12I love their wee wings.
0:51:12 > 0:51:17In my dreams, I put out my arms, rise up into the air.
0:51:17 > 0:51:20I'm dancing. I'm flying free.
0:51:26 > 0:51:30I go back to my roots and I take a new look at the Old Testament.
0:51:30 > 0:51:35I'm drawn to an ancient story written between 900 and 500 BC.
0:51:35 > 0:51:39It's one of the few biblical stories written about women.
0:51:39 > 0:51:42It's a story of land, love and loyalty.
0:51:42 > 0:51:45The story of my biblical namesake, Ruth.
0:51:49 > 0:51:54As it was written, there was a famine in the land of Bethlehem.
0:51:54 > 0:51:58Naomi and her husband Elimelech and the two sons journeyed to Moab.
0:51:58 > 0:52:02There Elimelech died and the two sons took on Moabite brides.
0:52:04 > 0:52:08Chilion married Orpah and Mahlon married Ruth.
0:52:08 > 0:52:12They dwelled there for another ten years and the two sons also died.
0:52:12 > 0:52:16Naomi, who was left bereft of her husband and her two sons,
0:52:16 > 0:52:22entreated her daughter-in-laws.
0:52:22 > 0:52:24"Return to your own mothers,
0:52:24 > 0:52:26"and may God grant you that you may find rest,
0:52:26 > 0:52:28"each of you in the house of her husband."
0:52:29 > 0:52:35Orpah agreed, but Ruth cleaved to Naomi and wept.
0:52:35 > 0:52:39"Entreat me not to leave you - or to return from following after you.
0:52:39 > 0:52:46"Wherever you go I will go. Where you lodge I will lodge.
0:52:46 > 0:52:50"Your people shall be my people. And your God, my God.
0:52:51 > 0:52:56"Where you die, I will die. And there will I be buried."
0:53:01 > 0:53:04Now, the hardest thing for me
0:53:04 > 0:53:06was to try and contact my son in England
0:53:06 > 0:53:08before he saw it on the news.
0:53:12 > 0:53:14"Sure, you know I've got me ticket, Ma,
0:53:14 > 0:53:16"I'm coming home in December."
0:53:16 > 0:53:20"Aye, but I need ye to come home now."
0:53:20 > 0:53:22"Why?"
0:53:22 > 0:53:25"I'll tell ye when I get ye home."
0:53:25 > 0:53:29"I'm not coming home until you tell me why."
0:53:29 > 0:53:34That's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life
0:53:34 > 0:53:38was to tell my son on the phone that they'd murdered his daddy.
0:53:40 > 0:53:43I can still hear him screaming,
0:53:43 > 0:53:45"I'll kill those bastards."
0:53:48 > 0:53:51I wanted to identify the body at the mortuary
0:53:51 > 0:53:56but all they said was, "I'm sorry Mrs Gillespie.
0:53:56 > 0:53:58"The coffin's closed."
0:54:03 > 0:54:06"Dear Mrs Gillespie, thank you for talking with us
0:54:06 > 0:54:08"yesterday in your time of grief.
0:54:08 > 0:54:12"As an experienced journalist it was unexpectedly honouring
0:54:12 > 0:54:15"to witness your sorrow.
0:54:15 > 0:54:19"Hopefully someone, somewhere, will have been so touched by your words,
0:54:19 > 0:54:22"that they might turn away from violence.
0:54:22 > 0:54:26"My deepest sympathy is with you and your family.
0:54:26 > 0:54:28"A journalist, Derry."
0:54:34 > 0:54:36Now, 20 years have passed,
0:54:36 > 0:54:39and I continue my work with ex-combatants.
0:54:39 > 0:54:44I'm still fighting my case for justice and I won't give in.
0:54:44 > 0:54:47My family have grown now,
0:54:47 > 0:54:50and I have four beautiful grandchildren.
0:54:50 > 0:54:54My eldest son wears his daddy's wedding ring,
0:54:54 > 0:54:57which he had left on the window sill that night.
0:54:57 > 0:55:02I can feel Patsy on my shoulder, getting special people to me,
0:55:02 > 0:55:05to help and guide me through.
0:55:06 > 0:55:08He's always there giving me strength.
0:55:09 > 0:55:13When I was picking Patsy's headstone,
0:55:13 > 0:55:16I wanted to write on it, "Murdered by the IRA."
0:55:18 > 0:55:22But instead I had them engrave the words,
0:55:22 > 0:55:25"Lord, may he be an instrument of Your peace."
0:55:26 > 0:55:28I pray he did not die in vain.
0:55:54 > 0:55:57APPLAUSE
0:56:17 > 0:56:21You're all right. You're all right.
0:56:21 > 0:56:24I know, it just feels bad.
0:56:24 > 0:56:26Ruth, I left out half of mine.
0:56:26 > 0:56:29You did! LAUGHTER
0:56:30 > 0:56:33Aw, come here. Come here, all of yous.
0:56:37 > 0:56:38Mwah!
0:56:38 > 0:56:40It was fantastic.
0:56:40 > 0:56:42It was fantastic, and you were fantastic.
0:56:42 > 0:56:45And you were fa... All of you. All of you.
0:56:45 > 0:56:46# Que sera, sera... #
0:56:48 > 0:56:52ALL: # Whatever will be, will be
0:56:52 > 0:56:55# The future's not ours to see
0:56:55 > 0:56:58# Que sera, sera
0:56:58 > 0:57:01# What will be, will be. #
0:57:01 > 0:57:04LAUGHTER She sings it better.
0:57:08 > 0:57:11Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd