0:00:34 > 0:00:39If I had seen someone like me with a similar story,
0:00:39 > 0:00:42telling it in their own words,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44I know it would have helped me,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47and I just think the more of us there are saying this happened
0:00:47 > 0:00:52and it's real, the easier it is for people to rebuild their lives.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53I suppose, as a man,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56you don't ever think that you can be someone that's going to experience
0:00:56 > 0:00:57sexual assault or rape,
0:00:57 > 0:01:01which is something I, kind of, didn't even really consider,
0:01:01 > 0:01:03because I didn't think it would ever happen to me.
0:01:03 > 0:01:08It's a hard thing to come to terms with for anyone.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Why is that happening and no-one talks about it?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Why can't you talk about it?
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- Hey.- Hi, darling. How are you?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- I'm good.- Good to see you.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Sophie is my friend from university -
0:01:41 > 0:01:43one of my, kind of, best friends.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I didn't know you for the first year.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Yeah, it was second year.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Second year was when we met.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- We got in so much trouble! - HE LAUGHS
0:01:51 > 0:01:52And we had so much fun together.
0:01:53 > 0:01:58There was one particular girl who I quite liked,
0:01:58 > 0:02:02and I thought she looked cute, and so I started dancing with her.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05And things, you know...
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I was like, "Oh, she seems nice,
0:02:07 > 0:02:09"and she seems interested.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11"I might be on to a winner. I'll tell Sophie to go home."
0:02:11 > 0:02:14And then she whispers in my ear, "You know I'm gay, right?"
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- And I kind of went...- And just... - HE SIGHS
0:02:17 > 0:02:19"Have you met my friend?"
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Literally, "Have you met my friend?"
0:02:23 > 0:02:28Sophie was, kind of, the one who was there consistently afterwards.
0:02:28 > 0:02:34You know, she saw me, one week, two weeks, five weeks, six months later,
0:02:34 > 0:02:37and so she really knows what that time was like.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I can't remember what my first impressions were.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45We hadn't met before at all.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47We'd, kind of, talked that day.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51I remember there were lots of little life things that we had in common.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56We danced a little bit at the bar,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59and kissed a little bit, I think.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01He was staying with a friend of his,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04and he asked me if I wanted to go back to his friend's house.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08And I was like, "There is absolutely no reason for this to end.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10"I find this person really attractive."
0:03:10 > 0:03:11So we went back.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18At that point, I was totally down to have sex.
0:03:19 > 0:03:25The problem came when he started wanting to have unprotected sex,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28which is not something that I would do with someone
0:03:28 > 0:03:30outside of a relationship,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33and he, kind of,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36really didn't care about that.
0:03:38 > 0:03:44He did this really weird thing of saying that
0:03:44 > 0:03:46what he was doing was fine,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48that, "OK, we're not going to do this,"
0:03:48 > 0:03:51and still doing it.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Almost as if he tried to convince me that, you know,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57what he was doing to me wasn't happening,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59that I would just, kind of,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01not notice it.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06And I kept... And there came a point where I just, kind of, froze.
0:04:10 > 0:04:16I think I just tried to make it all seem like I was fine.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Erm...
0:04:18 > 0:04:22I really remember thinking that if I started making a fuss,
0:04:22 > 0:04:24that he would...
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I just... I really didn't want to do that,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28I just wanted to get out of there.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I wanted it to seem like that hadn't happened.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35And on some level I think I was trying to convince myself
0:04:35 > 0:04:37that I was fine with what had happened
0:04:37 > 0:04:40because then I could just go home and have a shower,
0:04:40 > 0:04:44and write it off as something...
0:04:44 > 0:04:45something that was OK.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48But that only...
0:04:48 > 0:04:51That lasted probably until I got out onto the street,
0:04:51 > 0:04:56and then I more or less just collapsed up against some railings,
0:04:56 > 0:05:01and started trying to call people to come and help me.
0:05:11 > 0:05:16I came to yours and I was just pretty much destroyed inside.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Erm...
0:05:18 > 0:05:23I am, like, 90% sure that if I hadn't had somewhere to go,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I'd have just picked a form of public transportation
0:05:26 > 0:05:28and put myself under it.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35I hear people all the time say, especially men,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38"Oh, if someone tried to do that to me, I would do X, Y, Z,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40"and I would punch them in the whatever."
0:05:40 > 0:05:42And it's like,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45they have no idea what they're talking about because it's not...
0:05:45 > 0:05:48It's not the part of your brain that decides stuff
0:05:48 > 0:05:50that is in the driving seat when that's happening.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15There used to be a pub there, actually, the Bull.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Erm, it's actually where I lost my virginity.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Like, behind the pub, not in the pub.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24She didn't go to my school, she went to another school,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26but there's also a youth club round there,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28and she'd come to the youth club.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30and we got pissed one night,
0:06:30 > 0:06:33and, yeah, the magic happened over a barrel behind the pub.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Proper romantic!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Well, yeah, so, everybody would get pissed in the pub and that,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44and then there'd usually be a house party going on.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45And then, obviously, for me,
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I wanted to go into the gay village and stuff like that,
0:06:47 > 0:06:52but, because I wasn't ready to tell the people that I was
0:06:52 > 0:06:53knocking about with that I was gay,
0:06:53 > 0:06:57it was always kind of sneaking off on my own, do you know what I mean?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02It kind of started off good, like,
0:07:02 > 0:07:07it wasn't like I was going back to somewhere and being like,
0:07:07 > 0:07:09"I don't want to have sex," do you know what I mean?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11I did.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15And we'd, kind of, been kissing a little bit before,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17but then it, kind of, changed.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Like, he started doing more sniff, and I didn't want to do sniff,
0:07:20 > 0:07:21any more sniff.
0:07:21 > 0:07:26And he started to become, like, a little bit, kind of, aggressive.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Cos he was physically bigger than me,
0:07:28 > 0:07:30so he started criticising that I was small,
0:07:30 > 0:07:34calling me a skinny little faggot, and stuff like that.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I just thought he was being a complete dick, like,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38and I just thought, "I'll get my stuff and I'll be gone."
0:07:38 > 0:07:43And that's when, you know, um, it, kind of,
0:07:43 > 0:07:44came out of my control.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51I, kind of, got my T-shirt, went to put it on, went to turn around,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53and he smacked me on the back of the head.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54I said to him, "What the fuck are you doing?"
0:07:54 > 0:07:58And then he, kind of, grabbed my mouth,
0:07:58 > 0:07:59like, against the wall.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04I don't think I tried to fight back at that stage.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05I think...
0:08:07 > 0:08:10I think I was trying to figure out what was happening.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14I think I probably went a little bit into shock.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19And then I was on the bed, and, yeah, he raped me then.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21And I had...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I remember I had my arm up against my back
0:08:23 > 0:08:27and that was, kind of, the pain that I was...
0:08:27 > 0:08:30That's the pain that was going through my head, my arm.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34I just wanted to get my arm back down, do you know what I mean?
0:08:34 > 0:08:35And then, when it was finished,
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I threw up and apologised for throwing up...
0:08:39 > 0:08:42..repeatedly.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Yeah.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51That was the first time I'd had sex with a man,
0:08:51 > 0:08:52if you can call it sex, yeah.
0:09:11 > 0:09:17We're off now to see Lloyd, who...
0:09:17 > 0:09:22We were in a relationship, um, five years ago,
0:09:22 > 0:09:27and the relationship broke down, erm,
0:09:27 > 0:09:31mainly because of me but a little bit because of Lloyd as well.
0:09:31 > 0:09:36I had quite a lot of anger issues at the time so I think that that,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38you know, put a massive strain on our relationship.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41And I think, you know, I needed to deal with it and, until we split up,
0:09:41 > 0:09:46I didn't, and I haven't really dealt with it now, so...
0:09:46 > 0:09:48We're going to his mam's house,
0:09:48 > 0:09:50and, yeah, me and Lloyd have become really good friends
0:09:50 > 0:09:53since we broke up, mainly because we work together.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02HE KNOCKS AT DOOR
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- Hello.- Hiya, Lloyd, are you all right?- How are you doing?
0:10:04 > 0:10:05All right, how are you?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- Yeah, I'm all right. - Hi, Lynn.- Hi, are you OK?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- I'm good. how are you? - Not bad, not bad.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- Do you want a coffee? - Yeah.- Mwah!- Mwah!
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- Nice to see you.- Oh, and you.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24When we were going out, you never told me the story as in, like,
0:10:24 > 0:10:26"This is what happened, A to Z."
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- Yeah.- It was always bits. - Bits of it, yeah.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Because I wasn't ready to talk about it, do you know what I mean?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34But it was enough for me because I, once you told me,
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I kept trying to make you go to therapy.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Yeah, I know. I know you did.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41And you just would not have it at all.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42You were just very unpredictable.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I just... You...
0:10:44 > 0:10:49Some days, I just never knew what your mood was going to be.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51You were very up and down, very erratic.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I think you were very, very ashamed of it at the time
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- cos you couldn't even really speak to me about it.- Yeah.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59And it was only just kind of coming out on the surface then, wasn't it?
0:10:59 > 0:11:00- Yeah.- So, erm...
0:11:00 > 0:11:03I can understand...
0:11:03 > 0:11:06your reactions, how you found it,
0:11:06 > 0:11:12that you needed to block it all out by drinking, by taking drugs,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- by going off the wall, by fighting...- Fighting.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17..by actually getting rid of a lot of your anger,
0:11:17 > 0:11:19and you've said that as well,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21that you had a lot of internalised anger that,
0:11:21 > 0:11:25you know, it was the only way that you could get it out.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31In retrospect, if you'd dealt with it earlier,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- it would have been a lot different, our relationship, probably...- Yeah.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37..because you had a lot of anger when we went out.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41You only felt comfortable to be intimate if, you know,
0:11:41 > 0:11:42there was alcohol involved.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46- Yeah.- But I used to get nervous about alcohol with you.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Because I was an angry drunk.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Exactly, so, it was very, very difficult, and it was... Yeah.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Oh, God.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01It's very, very strong of you to do this because a lot of people just
0:12:01 > 0:12:02won't speak about it.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- Yeah.- Which is why it's such an important subject to be raised
0:12:05 > 0:12:07because, you know, it's a taboo.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14When I met Lloyd, he, kind of,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17he really brought out that kind of creative side in me,
0:12:17 > 0:12:21which I think helped massively in the sense of my brain, kind of,
0:12:21 > 0:12:25shifted into being able to be constructive
0:12:25 > 0:12:28and have something to, kind of, aim towards.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30So, I've dealt a little bit with the anger,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32and I've become more creative,
0:12:32 > 0:12:33and I've started writing.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37I think if I hadn't been able to have that creative outlet,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40then I probably would have either committed suicide
0:12:40 > 0:12:43or been imprisoned,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45one of the two.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53There is such a feeling of being alone.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56One of the things I did when I was writing the play is
0:12:56 > 0:13:01I read about other guys' stories wherever I could find them.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03They felt exactly like I did,
0:13:03 > 0:13:05which is like I was the first guy,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07the only guy this had ever happened to.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- Hello.- Hello, guys.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- Is one of you Alex?- This one.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28- Hi.- Hello.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- I'm Tanaka.- Hello.
0:13:30 > 0:13:36I'm in Canary Wharf to start this walk for Stay Brave UK,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39a charity that are doing this walk for male survivors
0:13:39 > 0:13:40of sexual violence.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42I've brought my friend. This is my friend Sophie.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43- Hi there.- Nice to meet you.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47I think the thing with these events is that there are so
0:13:47 > 0:13:51few times where you actually get to be in a space with
0:13:51 > 0:13:55other survivors, other men who have been through these experiences,
0:13:55 > 0:13:58and just being together,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01being able to talk and support each other, it just doesn't happen.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I think this is probably the first time it's going to really
0:14:04 > 0:14:05happen for me like this.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08So, I feel quite...
0:14:08 > 0:14:12I feel quite lucky. I feel quite apprehensive.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Just in case you don't know who I am, I'm Alex,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23I'm the Chief Executive and founder of Stay Brave.
0:14:23 > 0:14:28It's trying to make sure that the people out there,
0:14:28 > 0:14:32who couldn't really find the help that they needed, find it,
0:14:32 > 0:14:34and find it close to them,
0:14:34 > 0:14:35near them, and first time.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Onward!
0:14:44 > 0:14:46I found a number,
0:14:46 > 0:14:50and I was told over the phone quite bluntly that
0:14:50 > 0:14:52the helpline was for women,
0:14:52 > 0:14:56and I was told that men are the perpetrators
0:14:56 > 0:14:59and women are the victims.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01For me, it was a little bit soul-destroying.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05I had spent months getting into terms with the fact that...
0:15:05 > 0:15:08just realising what happened.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Getting up to that point where you can actually ask for some help.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15Exactly, and finally gathering up that courage and bravery
0:15:15 > 0:15:18to get help and contact things.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19But, erm...
0:15:19 > 0:15:21And then just getting that completely crushed,
0:15:21 > 0:15:22and there was no referral.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26- There was no, "This is... We can't help but this organisation can." - Yeah, no signposts.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28But it's so difficult to get people, I find,
0:15:28 > 0:15:31to have those conversations because there's this, like, awkward thing
0:15:31 > 0:15:36that happens, A, when you talk about sexual violence or domestic abuse,
0:15:36 > 0:15:39kind of, right off the bat, and, B, then, when people are like,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42"Oh, you want to talk about, like, men who experience these things?"
0:15:42 > 0:15:45And people don't really almost have a frame of reference sometimes.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Like, "I mean, you're a guy, so it's not really rape, right?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50"It's just sex you didn't want."
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- Mm-hmm.- I've heard that and I'm like,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- "Think about what you just said." - Exactly.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58A few years ago...
0:15:58 > 0:15:59I didn't do very well at uni.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01I'd failed one of my units
0:16:01 > 0:16:04so, during the summer, I had to resit it.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07I needed to go to London to submit the work.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10And, luckily, my sister and my best friend also wanted to go down
0:16:10 > 0:16:12and see a show.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17It was about 9pm-ish, so dark outside now,
0:16:17 > 0:16:21and, erm, the bar wasn't too packed.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Enough people in there.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26I think I'd finished my third or fourth drink,
0:16:26 > 0:16:28but, as a student, you can always knock back quite a few,
0:16:28 > 0:16:30so I wasn't drunk.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Erm...
0:16:32 > 0:16:36I told the barman to order me another one
0:16:36 > 0:16:39cos my sister was going to be another hour, maybe, and...
0:16:39 > 0:16:42while I just went to the toilet.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46I then went into the toilet and stood at the urinal,
0:16:46 > 0:16:50and didn't realise someone had followed me.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52They had come up, they had grabbed me,
0:16:52 > 0:16:57and I didn't even finish peeing.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59They just grabbed me, pulled me backwards...
0:16:59 > 0:17:00I started peeing all over the floor,
0:17:00 > 0:17:07and they then pushed me towards the wall where the cubicle was,
0:17:07 > 0:17:11and I remember my head hitting the door frame,
0:17:11 > 0:17:15and with my trousers still down to my thighs,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18they were pushing me into the cubicle and locking the door.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Erm...
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I tried shouting, but they very quickly
0:17:24 > 0:17:28put their hand over my mouth,
0:17:28 > 0:17:33and just kept banging my head against the wall, in the cubicle,
0:17:33 > 0:17:34until I shut up.
0:17:36 > 0:17:41And I remember just crying,
0:17:41 > 0:17:43slightly begging through their hand.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I don't remember much after that.
0:17:49 > 0:17:56What I do remember was wanting to get out of that cubicle,
0:17:56 > 0:17:57and, um...
0:18:01 > 0:18:07..I spent about 30 seconds, kind of, washing my face.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10There was a bit of blood from a cut.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14I managed to hide it, and walk out.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17The thing is I didn't know who that person was. I didn't see them.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21I just couldn't even give you a vague description.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25They were taller than me and they were stronger than me -
0:18:25 > 0:18:26that's all I could tell you.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43I've had some really good conversations with people, kind of,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45just here and there.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51It's that old chestnut of, erm, not being alone.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55I can know the statistics and I can know that, you know,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57one in six men will be survivors of sexual violence.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59It doesn't really...
0:18:59 > 0:19:02It can still feel like you're the only person there.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05It can still feel like you're the only person who's ever
0:19:05 > 0:19:06gone through that.
0:19:06 > 0:19:11Until you're in a room or in a city where you're talking
0:19:11 > 0:19:15and walking with people, and having real conversations.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19HE YAWNS
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- Well done, everyone! - Well done, everyone!- Whoo!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26All right, thank you so much...
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Up till now, I've never...
0:19:29 > 0:19:33I've never wanted to meet somebody else, another male survivor,
0:19:33 > 0:19:39because I've not wanted to, like, accept or you know, get past...
0:19:39 > 0:19:41not get past it but I've never wanted to accept it.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44So, I wouldn't be like, "Oh, is there anyone else out there?"
0:19:44 > 0:19:49But now I've got to this point and I'm able to talk about it, erm,
0:19:49 > 0:19:51then, why not go and do something about it now,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53and actually deal with it properly?
0:20:02 > 0:20:07I'm off to a talk today, a guy who's experienced sexual assault,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09and this will be the first time, obviously,
0:20:09 > 0:20:13that I've spoken to anybody else that's experienced, you know,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16a sexual assault, so...
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I think that's what's making me a little bit nervous.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Do you think it would be really inappropriate to put my Grindr on?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34See, I was just being a dick now because I'm nervous.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50He, sort of, pushed me to the ground and he unzipped his trousers,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53pulled his penis out and made me give him oral sex.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55And one of the things I always remember, he had massive thumbs,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58and he pressed his thumbs down into my shoulders and he said,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01"You like my cock."
0:21:01 > 0:21:02And I went, "Stop."
0:21:02 > 0:21:05And eventually, I don't know if there was someone coming round,
0:21:05 > 0:21:09after a few minutes, he picked me up and he kind of launched me towards
0:21:09 > 0:21:11this line of cars that I thought were a taxi rank.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15I turned round and he didn't run but he quickly walked off.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20WHISPERING: God, that was intense, wasn't it?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Yeah, it was intense. What are your thoughts?
0:21:23 > 0:21:28Oh, I don't know. I don't know what to think, like.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I think for the first part I felt like it was,
0:21:30 > 0:21:31you know, it was just...
0:21:31 > 0:21:37Obviously it's his, you know, his experience, but then...
0:21:37 > 0:21:40obviously, I could relate to...
0:21:40 > 0:21:42the, erm...
0:21:42 > 0:21:45the other bit.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47I don't know, I think I just need to think a minute.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50But that was an hour, once every couple of weeks.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Did I feel that anyone understood me?
0:21:52 > 0:21:53No.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59I felt sick, like...
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Talking about what happened to him when he was saying that
0:22:04 > 0:22:06he went on that bridge, then I started thinking about
0:22:06 > 0:22:10the night I went back to the guy's house and then...
0:22:10 > 0:22:15I think I started thinking about it, kind of, more...
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Or, just, I think now that I've come here and I've done this,
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I think I've not really accepted it.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20I think I've just...
0:22:22 > 0:22:24..known all the right things to tell myself that I have,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26do you know what I mean?
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Like...
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- Hi. You all right? How are you doing?- All right?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38- I'm Neil. How are you?- Hi, you all right? I'm Phil.- Hi, Phil.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Yeah, sorry, I...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41HE CLEAR HIS THROAT
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Yeah, that was really brave to do that, like.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Yeah, what was it like for you watching it?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Erm...
0:22:48 > 0:22:49I wanted to throw up.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- Right.- I had to go out towards the end cos I was like,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54I'm going to be sick. Not like...
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Do you know what I mean? Just...
0:22:56 > 0:22:58- Hard to hear?- Yeah, hard to hear.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Yeah, it does stir something, doesn't it?
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Yeah, definitely, like...
0:23:02 > 0:23:05But I'm sorry that happened to you as well, do you know what I mean?
0:23:05 > 0:23:06It's like... You know...
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I didn't want to speak to you at first.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I was like, "I don't want to speak to him."
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- Nothing against you or anything like that.- No, that's all right.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14But then I thought, "You've got to go and speak to him
0:23:14 > 0:23:16"because if you don't, you've come to this point
0:23:16 > 0:23:18"and you feel all these things now anyway,
0:23:18 > 0:23:20"so you might as well go and fucking talk about them,
0:23:20 > 0:23:23"cos if not, it's a waste of time," do you know what I mean?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25And I'll go back rather than go forward, so...
0:23:25 > 0:23:27The thing I often say is this -
0:23:27 > 0:23:30if you man up, it means you shut up.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- Yeah.- If you shut up,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35it means you put up or put them up -
0:23:35 > 0:23:36then you fuck up.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Yeah. I like that. That's good, innit?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40- And actually... - You could put that on a...
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Well, yeah, put it on a T-shirt or something.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44And I often say that because it's really bad.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Actually, what does "man up" mean to you?
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- Yeah, yeah.- Because actually you could actually say that you are...
0:23:50 > 0:23:53You could argue that you're manning up by talking about it,
0:23:53 > 0:23:54cos that's not easy to do.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58- Yeah.- It's easier in the short term to just shut up.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02- Yeah.- And actually doing something that is very difficult,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05you could say, actually shows a real strength of character...
0:24:05 > 0:24:07- Yeah.- ..and is not weak, is a strength.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22TANAKA: It can be really, really frustrating
0:24:22 > 0:24:27because I almost feel resentful that this is still affecting me,
0:24:27 > 0:24:29you know, whenever it crops up,
0:24:29 > 0:24:33so you then get into beating yourself up because, "Oh, well,
0:24:33 > 0:24:36"I should be past this by now. I should be over it.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37"Why am I letting this affect me?"
0:24:43 > 0:24:48I think it's taken until now for me to be able to walk into a room with,
0:24:48 > 0:24:49kind of, other survivors.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I have, like, 1,000 anxieties about today.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Like 1,006 exactly.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- Hi, you must be Catherine. - Nice to meet you. Hi.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- Welcome.- You too. I'm Tanaka.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06So, myself and Jeremy co-facilitate the group together.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10For some people, anonymity is hugely important.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12For other people, actually being able to take a stand
0:25:12 > 0:25:14and to say something publicly is really important.
0:25:20 > 0:25:25I've never really got angry with him,
0:25:25 > 0:25:28because I knew him and I liked him,
0:25:28 > 0:25:32and I think that made the abuse even more, a bit, difficult for me
0:25:32 > 0:25:36because today, at 73, there's so much grief.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39This is why, I think, that I cry,
0:25:39 > 0:25:46because I've got 55 years of repressed, frozen feelings.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48It's still very difficult.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54She decided that she wanted to have sex with me.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58She got on top of me and forced me to have sex with her.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00And I'm saying, "No, really, please, stop.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02"I don't like this. I don't want this."
0:26:02 > 0:26:03And that happened.
0:26:03 > 0:26:09She got astride me and had sex, got off and went to sleep.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10And after that I just thought,
0:26:10 > 0:26:12"That's it, that's the end between us."
0:26:12 > 0:26:14"I'm not going to continue with this."
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Anyway, that was really just the beginning.
0:26:16 > 0:26:21It's just total disbelief that a woman can be domestically violent,
0:26:21 > 0:26:23that a woman can sexually assault you
0:26:23 > 0:26:25and that a woman can stalk you and terrify you,
0:26:25 > 0:26:29but it was true and I was just disbelieved.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31I was 34 years old.
0:26:31 > 0:26:36I was about to become a father for the first time and I was attacked at
0:26:36 > 0:26:42knife-point with a bag on my head by two people, strangers.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44And I was...
0:26:44 > 0:26:45HE EXHALES
0:26:45 > 0:26:49I was, erm, raped and...
0:26:51 > 0:26:59..abused for six hours in woodland near a lay-by.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04I did phone a rape helpline a few months later,
0:27:04 > 0:27:09after the birth of my son, and was told that it didn't happen to men,
0:27:09 > 0:27:12and that was as far as I got.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14There's so much shame.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17There's so much shame that...
0:27:17 > 0:27:19I'm so emasculated by it because I can't...
0:27:19 > 0:27:24It's really hard to tell the woman you love that this has happened,
0:27:24 > 0:27:27so I can only tell her so much without being just
0:27:27 > 0:27:30overwhelmed with shame about it.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31HE EXHALES
0:27:31 > 0:27:34You mentioned this profound sense of shame
0:27:34 > 0:27:39and I imagine that that's a feeling that is shared by others,
0:27:39 > 0:27:43and this sense of feeling responsible about
0:27:43 > 0:27:47events which were other people's responsibility.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52I think for me, I, sort of, erm...
0:27:52 > 0:27:56I end up holding on to...
0:27:56 > 0:27:58these little bits of reasoning which are like,
0:27:58 > 0:28:01"Oh, well, I could have done this so it was really my fault,
0:28:01 > 0:28:03"or I could have done this or I could have not done this."
0:28:03 > 0:28:07And I think part of that, for me anyway, is that it's just easier...
0:28:08 > 0:28:11If I admit that actually it wasn't in my control,
0:28:11 > 0:28:14which up here I know it wasn't,
0:28:14 > 0:28:17that means that people can just hurt you,
0:28:17 > 0:28:20and it's somehow easier to feel ashamed
0:28:20 > 0:28:25- because that means you have a little bit of control, as well.- Yeah.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42I do have a bit of a wall, and I talk about this subject sometimes
0:28:42 > 0:28:47in a pretty theoretical way because it's easier.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51I mean, because, like, I was raped,
0:28:51 > 0:28:56those emotions are pretty intense and they always will be,
0:28:56 > 0:28:59and that's the way I know how to talk about it.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06I can't be vulnerable all of the time.
0:29:06 > 0:29:10It has to be the right time and the right place,
0:29:10 > 0:29:15and for me this turned out to be it,
0:29:15 > 0:29:16which I wasn't expecting.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26It's one of the things I've been asked
0:29:26 > 0:29:29every single time I've opened up about this kind of stuff
0:29:29 > 0:29:33is, why didn't I go to the police?
0:29:33 > 0:29:34Why didn't I report it?
0:29:34 > 0:29:38Why did I sit in an alleyway for a while
0:29:38 > 0:29:41and not ask for help?
0:29:43 > 0:29:46I was too scared that they wouldn't believe me -
0:29:46 > 0:29:53that they would pick apart what had happened to me and somehow
0:29:53 > 0:29:54make it my fault.
0:29:56 > 0:30:01The first officer that I talked to was really great
0:30:01 > 0:30:04and really compassionate and, kind of, treated me with
0:30:04 > 0:30:07a lot of respect.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10The others were kind of patchy.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12Some of them were a little bit indifferent
0:30:12 > 0:30:16and I felt like I was being treated a little bit like a waste of time.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19There was one who was trying...
0:30:19 > 0:30:25In retrospect I can see that she was trying really hard to be respectful
0:30:25 > 0:30:32and to make me feel comfortable, and failing quite spectacularly at it.
0:30:32 > 0:30:36She tried to make some jokes and I understand, you know,
0:30:36 > 0:30:38I can see that she wasn't trying to be malicious
0:30:38 > 0:30:42but it just, kind of, fell completely flat
0:30:42 > 0:30:45and then I carried those things around with me for a long time.
0:30:54 > 0:30:58I feel like I didn't go to the police at the time mainly
0:30:58 > 0:31:01because I'd never really, kind of, trusted the police
0:31:01 > 0:31:05or had much respect for them, so, yeah...
0:31:05 > 0:31:07But I think more so I didn't go to the police
0:31:07 > 0:31:09because I didn't want anyone to find out.
0:31:09 > 0:31:10It's just now I can talk about it,
0:31:10 > 0:31:13which means that I can go and change that and do something about it,
0:31:13 > 0:31:16which I couldn't do five years ago.
0:31:16 > 0:31:17Is it Mike?
0:31:17 > 0:31:20- Hello.- How are you doing, Mike? Are you OK?- Hello. Yes.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22Good to meet you. Welcome to Avon and Somerset.
0:31:22 > 0:31:26So, today we're doing what we call a partner-agency day,
0:31:26 > 0:31:30where we're discussing how we can improve services for male victims of
0:31:30 > 0:31:34rape, sexual assault, domestic violence and domestic abuse.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36So there's a clear lack of engagement by the men
0:31:36 > 0:31:38with the police and the criminal justice system,
0:31:38 > 0:31:39which needs to be looked at.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42Some of the men tried to report but they were laughed away.
0:31:42 > 0:31:46We seem to treat men differently because for decades
0:31:46 > 0:31:49we've had it, kind of, drummed into us that, you know,
0:31:49 > 0:31:52women are the victims and males...men are the perpetrators.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55Then we had Jay, aged 33 - again, intimate partner violence.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57Again it was a female partner.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00I've got to admit, like, coming here today,
0:32:00 > 0:32:03any time I see a police officer,
0:32:03 > 0:32:05I instantly feel like I've done something wrong,
0:32:05 > 0:32:08so I don't know whether that, kind of, you know, stops people.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11I didn't come forward, so I didn't report it to the police.
0:32:11 > 0:32:16If I gave, kind of, one message to any male who has been affected
0:32:16 > 0:32:21by sexual violence, you know, you do not need to come to the police.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24Please, please, please, go to your local SARC,
0:32:24 > 0:32:28the sexual assault referral centre, within 72 hours of the event.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31The forensic recovery will be completed.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34Those forensics will be stored for a lifetime,
0:32:34 > 0:32:37so at any point you can decide,
0:32:37 > 0:32:39"OK, I want to report to the police now,"
0:32:39 > 0:32:40that evidence is there.
0:32:40 > 0:32:45- Mm-hm.- The victim is completely in control of what happens there.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48I can't imagine reporting it now and having to go to court.
0:32:48 > 0:32:52I do accept and I do appreciate it is incredibly difficult for anybody,
0:32:52 > 0:32:57male or female, to come forward and report what's happened to them
0:32:57 > 0:33:00to the police, but a lot of things have changed,
0:33:00 > 0:33:03and have changed to make it easier for the victims.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05Yeah.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07Like, I've always had, kind of, questions whether or not
0:33:07 > 0:33:10I should have gone to the police about it.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12But, yeah, if I was able to, if I would have done
0:33:12 > 0:33:15and I would have known that those services were available,
0:33:15 > 0:33:18then I probably would have definitely been in
0:33:18 > 0:33:20a better place than what I have been.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35It's been seven years since it happened,
0:33:35 > 0:33:39and I feel like I've got myself to the point where I could talk about
0:33:39 > 0:33:42what happened to the police and put my pin on the map.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45And although I've drawn a line under everything,
0:33:45 > 0:33:47I don't feel like someone can ever really get over this kind of stuff.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50What you do is that you come to terms with it,
0:33:50 > 0:33:52and I feel like I've come to terms with it.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56I can take my experience and I can make it into something better,
0:33:56 > 0:34:01which is why I've decided to take my experience and help other people.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03I don't think I'll ever really get over it,
0:34:03 > 0:34:05but at least I've come to terms with it.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19If no-one comes,
0:34:19 > 0:34:22I am going to go on one of those, like,
0:34:22 > 0:34:25really public social media meltdown things.
0:34:26 > 0:34:30So, tonight is the open mike.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34It's really about celebrating the lives of male survivors of
0:34:34 > 0:34:36sexual violence, despite what we've been through,
0:34:36 > 0:34:41and despite, kind of, the lack of support that we sometimes face.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44I came up with this thing where I do facts about me.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47One is that there is a birthmark somewhere on my body
0:34:47 > 0:34:49which may or may not be a third nipple.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52- VOICE-OVER:- And it's been a scary journey -
0:34:52 > 0:34:56like, I've been properly terrified for a lot of it.
0:34:56 > 0:35:00Three is that the first meal that I ate after I was raped
0:35:00 > 0:35:01was a chicken Pot Noodle.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04I think probably the biggest thing I've learned is that people
0:35:04 > 0:35:07will talk about this.
0:35:07 > 0:35:11If we do it in the right way, and if we get over the fact that we're not
0:35:11 > 0:35:14all going to do it, you know, perfect the first time,
0:35:14 > 0:35:17people will, and we can, and it does actually help.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19APPLAUSE
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Scene four, slate 11, take one.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34For me and Lloyd, you know, obviously we didn't work out.
0:35:34 > 0:35:35But, you know, here we are now.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38We work together, we've become really good friends,
0:35:38 > 0:35:39we've got a great friendship and that,
0:35:39 > 0:35:42and, you know, we're making a film together at the moment, so...
0:35:42 > 0:35:44You know when you look round and you're looking at
0:35:44 > 0:35:46all these words and you're starting to panic
0:35:46 > 0:35:47and you're doing your breathing?
0:35:47 > 0:35:49Go to get out of the bed, yeah?
0:35:49 > 0:35:51And then just fall back onto the bed.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:35:53 > 0:35:55No, I don't think I'll ever be able to forget what's happened,
0:35:55 > 0:35:59but I think I can accept what's happened,
0:35:59 > 0:36:01so I'm able to move on from it.
0:36:02 > 0:36:08It has changed me, you know, it's changed my outlook on life,
0:36:08 > 0:36:10but I'm not going to let it define me at all.