0:00:00 > 0:00:04Britain's bobbies see some bizarre things in the line of duty.
0:00:04 > 0:00:08I think they'll think twice about stealing an owl in future.
0:00:08 > 0:00:13And for this series, with the help of victims, cops and crooks,
0:00:13 > 0:00:16we've unearthed the UK's most audacious...
0:00:16 > 0:00:20- Go faster!- ..deviant...- The guy's completely naked in the chimney.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23..and downright daft acts of criminality.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27Stealing from a CCTV shop is not ironic - it's moronic.
0:00:28 > 0:00:33These odd offences all prove one thing - crime doesn't pay,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37and the police won't rest until they get their man.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38We had him bang to rights.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42So, observe your right to remain silent as we sentence you
0:00:42 > 0:00:46to 30 minutes of guilty pleasure in the weird world of Bizarre Crime.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07# Crime don't pay
0:01:07 > 0:01:08# Crime don't pay. #
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Coming up,
0:01:16 > 0:01:21a day trip to the seaside ends with a very peculiar bit of pilfering.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26We saw a man with a woman with big boobies.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Plus, two women, one tortoise and a tale of how all three were caught up
0:01:32 > 0:01:35in one of Britain's most bizarre burglaries.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37I mean, there was no forensic evidence, no CCTV.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40We hadn't got a clue.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48But for our first case, we're heading to the North Wales coast,
0:01:48 > 0:01:52where brave volunteers at Anglesey Sea Rescue Services willingly
0:01:52 > 0:01:57and regularly give up their time to keep local waters safe.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01What they don't often encounter however are drunk Dubliners
0:02:01 > 0:02:05committing brazen acts of pie-eyed piracy.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Even though we knew that the vessel had been stolen,
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- you've got to search for these people.- Ahoy!
0:02:14 > 0:02:17In July 2006, Dubliner Carl Brennan
0:02:17 > 0:02:21and his friend landed at Holyhead for a bit of a bender.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24We were having a few drinks in the pub,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26having a laugh. Few more drinks.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29But time ran away with the tanked-up twosome,
0:02:29 > 0:02:32and they ended up missing the last ferry home.
0:02:32 > 0:02:37We went to the off licence, got a few bags of cans.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40We were sitting down at the harbour, just drinking the cans away.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42That's when we met the boat.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47In the port, they found a trawler belonging to a local fisherman.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49The keys were in the ignition,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52and the pair joked about stealing it and sailing home to Dublin.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56My mate wanders onto the boat, forced the ignition key, it starts,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59looks back and smiles...
0:03:00 > 0:03:02..and we decided just to go for it.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Full throttle.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12Ahoy! Chasing the ferry, we were, back home to Ballybrack.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Go faster!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16And it ends up getting away from us.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19The loaded land-lovers had never stepped foot on a trawler,
0:03:19 > 0:03:22had absolutely no idea how to navigate the seas,
0:03:22 > 0:03:25and were three sheets to the wind,
0:03:25 > 0:03:27but that didn't seem to bother Carl.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32It was a great feeling, flying through the water on the sea,
0:03:32 > 0:03:35sailing away all happy and laughing and jubilant.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37The best day of my life, it felt like.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Joyriding across the Irish Sea in a £40,000 boat,
0:03:41 > 0:03:45they were convinced they'd soon be home safe and sound,
0:03:45 > 0:03:48but after four hours at sea, the boys hit trouble.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Mayday, mayday. Is anybody out there? Can anyone respond?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00We were heading towards two islands with a gap in it.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04I said, "You can't go near that, cos if we go near that, we'll hit a rock and sink."
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Thinking they were approaching Ireland, they called for rescue.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Mayday, mayday.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15But our paralytic pirates were nowhere near Dublin.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Instead of heading due west, they'd actually chugged north,
0:04:18 > 0:04:22heading towards a couple of small islands off the Welsh coast.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Station calling help, this is Holyhead coastguard.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33The minute she said Holyhead coastguard, my face just dropped.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38For the past four hours, all they'd done was go around in circles.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40There was a fish on the sat nav,
0:04:40 > 0:04:43but we thought that's where he catches his fish from,
0:04:43 > 0:04:47but we were actually the fish on the sat nav,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49so we're chasing ourselves around in circles.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Instead of returning to the safety of the Emerald Isle,
0:04:52 > 0:04:56the daft duo had actually managed to end up further away from Dublin
0:04:56 > 0:04:58than when they had first started.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59It was apparent from the off
0:04:59 > 0:05:02that they had no idea what they were doing.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Is anybody out there, can anyone respond?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07What we needed to do was establish their position.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09We will send units to help you,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12however we need to know your position.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15We were saying, "We don't know where we are."
0:05:16 > 0:05:21It did become apparent that they were intoxicated.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Scared, sozzled and stranded, their crime was about to cause
0:05:25 > 0:05:29the launch of a massive air and sea rescue operation.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Even though we knew that the vessel had been stolen,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35you've got to search for these people.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Within minutes of receiving the call for help,
0:05:40 > 0:05:44land, air and sea volunteers had been scrambled.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Time was of the essence. We knew they were panicking.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53When you panic, you do stupid things.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58At this stage, the rescue teams still had no idea where the mashed-up mariners were.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03We know he's in the area, but what part of 16 miles do you search?
0:06:03 > 0:06:07The team worked with the nautical nincompoops to get a precise fix on their location.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11They were telling us to flash on the lights on and off,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13but we couldn't get the lights to work,
0:06:13 > 0:06:17so my mate's out with a lighter and he was flicking the lighter,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19and he was waving the lighter around in his hand.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Funnily enough, in the vast expanse of the Irish Sea,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26the small flickering flame wasn't helping,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28so the Coastguard tried a new approach.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33Request you count one through to ten slowly.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Julie needed to keep the adult Irishman on the radio long enough
0:06:37 > 0:06:40to trace their position, and assumed that getting them
0:06:40 > 0:06:43to complete the task of counting to ten would do the trick.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47He couldn't count up to ten.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49He couldn't understand counting up to ten.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52And this was going on for about an hour and a half
0:06:52 > 0:06:55while we were still searching for them.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Despite the duo's inability to count to ten,
0:06:58 > 0:07:01the rescue crews finally found them.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Basically, we just hunted them down,
0:07:03 > 0:07:05you know, it was just a bit of a hunt.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11They were sobering up and reality had actually hit home.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14They really didn't want to be there.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Thank God for the RLN... RNLI, is it?
0:07:16 > 0:07:19RLNI, yeah.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21When we established that they were OK now,
0:07:21 > 0:07:26that is when we put the wheels in motion to contact the police.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Once they came back, you know, with a cup of coffee in their hand,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33we exchanged the cup of coffee for a set of handcuffs.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37We were smiling and laughing, and one of the coppers turned round
0:07:37 > 0:07:40and said, "You want to wipe that smile off your face."
0:07:42 > 0:07:45We formally arrested them for the theft of the boat.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48They were released in the afternoon with a caution, and then
0:07:48 > 0:07:52they caught the ferry the second time and made their way home safely.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59The boys had had a lucky escape, not just from the savaged seas,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02but also from a much harsher punishment.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Not only did their rescue cost over £100,000,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07it later came to light
0:08:07 > 0:08:10that they'd damaged the boat to a tune of ten grand -
0:08:10 > 0:08:12something Carl's had time to reflect on.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16I'd like to apologise to the fisherman, you know, like,
0:08:16 > 0:08:18it's his bread and butter, you know.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22I mean, we could've destroyed it just over one stupid, drunken night.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Sorry to him, sorry anyway.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Fortunately, the trawlerman's back on his feet
0:08:27 > 0:08:30but for the safety of Britain's boats and businesses,
0:08:30 > 0:08:32let's hope Carl keeps a ferry timetable
0:08:32 > 0:08:34tucked in his back pocket from now on.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43In Bizarre Crime, we're treating you to some of the most calamitous
0:08:43 > 0:08:46criminal acts caught on CCTV.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50And first is this tipsy young teen, who's been arrested
0:08:50 > 0:08:54and taken down to the cop shop after one too many cheeky Vimtos.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Now, we all do daft things when we're drunk,
0:08:57 > 0:09:00but this guy's attempt at a getaway really is spectacularly stupid.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Let's have a look at that one more time.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14One last replay in case you've missed his lightning-fast escape.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18If the hangover doesn't give him a sore head,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21we're pretty sure running face first into a wall will do the trick.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29For our next case, we're off to Skegness,
0:09:29 > 0:09:33home to all the traditional delights of the great British seaside.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36But in 2008, one visitor's idea of fun didn't involve
0:09:36 > 0:09:38donkeys or dodgems,
0:09:38 > 0:09:40but a kinky crime spree
0:09:40 > 0:09:43that would leave locals and the police perplexed.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49We saw a man with a woman with big boobies running through the street.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58The strange saga began one sunny day in June 2008,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01when, all the way from Wales, a 26-year-old day-tripper
0:10:01 > 0:10:05rolled in to Skegness, not to enjoy the cod or candyfloss,
0:10:05 > 0:10:09but for a day-long diet of pills and pints.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12So when closing time came around,
0:10:12 > 0:10:14sleep was the last thing on his mind.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17But instead of hitting the local night spots,
0:10:17 > 0:10:21the wired Welshman headed for the unlikeliest of locations.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Pulse and Cocktails is a seaside sex-toy superstore
0:10:26 > 0:10:27run by Louise Wenman,
0:10:27 > 0:10:31who's been supplying Skeggy with erotic accessories
0:10:31 > 0:10:33for the best part of five years.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37You get single women, single men, stag dos, hen nights,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39a whole range of people.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43But that night, the store had a very special out-of-hours customer.
0:10:43 > 0:10:49When I saw the CCTV footage, I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53He threw a breezeblock through the front door
0:10:53 > 0:10:57and then just come through, but the breezeblock set the alarms off.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Once inside, the boozed-up burglar didn't
0:11:00 > 0:11:01head for the till or the safe.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Instead, he embarked on a saucy late-night shopping spree.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10He was very selective. He picked up a pink PVC nurse's outfit,
0:11:10 > 0:11:14took that to the back of the shop, picking up other outfits on the way.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16He took his T-shirt off.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19It looked like he was maybe going to try one of the outfits on.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Like a pervy Goldilocks, our cross-dressing criminal
0:11:22 > 0:11:25couldn't find an outfit that was just right,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27until he spotted a certain lady in the shop window.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31# You're beautiful
0:11:31 > 0:11:34# You're beautiful
0:11:35 > 0:11:38# You're beautiful, it's true... #
0:11:38 > 0:11:41But he was only interested in her for one thing -
0:11:41 > 0:11:44her sexy French maid's outfit,
0:11:44 > 0:11:48complete with frilly skirt, fishnet stockings...
0:11:48 > 0:11:49and a wig.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54He took the mannequin, dropped her legs, picked her legs up,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56and off he went.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59As the thief and his dummy date headed off into the night,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Lincolnshire Police were getting on the case,
0:12:02 > 0:12:04overseen by DC Taff Lloyd,
0:12:04 > 0:12:08but initial enquiries only caused confusion.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11When the police initially went there, they found a witness,
0:12:11 > 0:12:12I think it was a Polish chap,
0:12:12 > 0:12:16and he explained that he saw a man with a woman with big boobies
0:12:16 > 0:12:18running through the street.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20While police were left puzzled,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23the randy robber was up to more mischief.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Having nabbed the sexiest French maid's outfit
0:12:26 > 0:12:27this side of Cleethorpes,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30he was on the hunt for some finishing touches.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33He went around the corner to the High Street,
0:12:33 > 0:12:34and he broke into a shoe shop,
0:12:34 > 0:12:38and then he stole a pair of stiletto shoes.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Once our kinky crook had completed his look,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44he headed to the one place any right-thinking individual would go
0:12:44 > 0:12:47to get into something less comfortable -
0:12:47 > 0:12:49the roof of Specsavers.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52# Man, I feel like a woman... #
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Still high on beer and ecstasy, he then took his impromptu drag act
0:12:59 > 0:13:02for a drunken totter across the local cricket pitch.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05We get them in, I suppose, all the time - drunks.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08I'd love to have seen this through the night,
0:13:08 > 0:13:11somebody with stiletto heels on, running across the pitch,
0:13:11 > 0:13:14cos it would have probably been the highlight of the day.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18As a new day was almost dawning, the tipsy tea leaf was feeling sleepy,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21but his one-man crime wave wasn't quite over.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Shamelessly, he broke into yet another property -
0:13:25 > 0:13:28the home of an elderly couple, who were luckily away.
0:13:28 > 0:13:33There he hung up his wig and finally bedded down for the night.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36COCKEREL CROWS
0:13:36 > 0:13:40When he woke up, the thief had only a hazy memory of the night before.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43He was now sober enough to realise that he'd have a problem
0:13:43 > 0:13:47boarding a train home in broad daylight dressed as a French maid.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50He'd left his own clothes back on the roof of Specsavers.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52When we went out onto the roof,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54laying on the steps was a mannequin.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58There were some clothes to one side of it - some trousers and a top.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03You don't expect to find a mannequin first thing in the morning on the roof.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Back at the bungalow,
0:14:04 > 0:14:07the hung-over housebreaker rummaged around for something to wear,
0:14:07 > 0:14:11and his outfit went from the bizarre to the ridiculous.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Although there were plenty of gents' tops and trousers to be had,
0:14:14 > 0:14:18he plumped for the elderly homeowner's pleated skirt and cardie.
0:14:22 > 0:14:27Transformed from a mademoiselle to Mrs Doubtfire, he headed home.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29As well as the CCTV footage,
0:14:29 > 0:14:33the clueless crook had left behind some vital evidence.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36He's cut himself on the way in. He's bled all over the shop,
0:14:36 > 0:14:39on different items of lingerie and on the floor.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43With the clues he left, we got a DNA hit on him, and we got his name
0:14:43 > 0:14:45and we circulated him as wanted.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47And a few months later, our canny cop got a call
0:14:47 > 0:14:49from colleagues in Sheffield,
0:14:49 > 0:14:53where the fugitive had been picked up while out on another bender.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56He was caught urinating in a public place.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01The bungling burglar was brought back to Skegness
0:15:01 > 0:15:04to face the music and some awkward questions.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06He thought I was making fun of him,
0:15:06 > 0:15:08but I had to ask him certain questions like,
0:15:08 > 0:15:13What did you steal the lingerie for? Why did you steal the mannequin?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16And he admitted he had a fetish for women's clothing.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20And he fully admitted the offence. However, he was very embarrassed.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23In court he pleaded guilty and was given a 12-week suspended sentence.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27He had to complete 200 hours of community service
0:15:27 > 0:15:29and pay £400 in compensation.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34My guess is he was just a guy whose fetish had maybe got a little bit too much for him.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39If he'd come to the shop, we could've helped him find the right outfit
0:15:39 > 0:15:41and one that would've fitted him,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43and he could've kept the outfit then!
0:15:52 > 0:15:56The police and perverted have more run-ins than you might think.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59And this week's criminal countdown introduces the frisky felons
0:15:59 > 0:16:02who have committed kinky crimes.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06First up is the boozy Halifax bachelor,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08who at his stag do in 2000,
0:16:08 > 0:16:11got carried away when he spotted the stripogram.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13She wasn't in fact a stripper
0:16:13 > 0:16:18but a genuine WPC, who arrested the gormless groom-to-be,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21ensuring he spent his final night of freedom banged up.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Both baffling and bizarre is the case of the Ohio man
0:16:26 > 0:16:29who was arrested for stalking the streets of Sugar Street township
0:16:29 > 0:16:34in a lady's green swimsuit, asking people if they liked his outfit.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35You like? Mmm.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36SCREAMING
0:16:36 > 0:16:40We're not sure it works in those hiking boots.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44And if you ever wondered why Henry the Hoover had such a big smile on his face,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47you could ask the Polish builder who was caught in a London hospital
0:16:47 > 0:16:51naked on his knees, holding Henry's nozzle.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56He claimed he was vacuuming his underpants. Dirty boy!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Sex on the floor might not seem so risque
0:17:01 > 0:17:04unless it's the case of the alcopop-fuelled adolescent,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07who dropped his pants and made love to the kerb
0:17:07 > 0:17:09on a busy Galashiels' High Street.
0:17:09 > 0:17:14This bizarre brand of floor play paved the way for a 12-month probation order.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21As ingenious as it is illegal, but not quite topping this week's chart,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23is Driffield's porno burger van.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Yes, a bunch of budding entrepreneurs
0:17:25 > 0:17:28have been serving up a meal deal with a difference.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Free porn if you spend over a fiver.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Their hopes of helping men across the UK to go large
0:17:34 > 0:17:37were dashed when authorities closed them down.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41But this week's number one spot goes to the lusty lovers
0:17:41 > 0:17:44who had a right royal rump on the Queen's front lawn.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48The pair went at it for 20 minutes outside Windsor Castle
0:17:48 > 0:17:51before officers stepped in to take down their particulars.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55As tourists gathered to film the spectacle, some were appalled,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58but - who knows? - maybe one or two were cheering them on.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Go on, my son!
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Philip.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Time now for another dim crim caught on camera.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14Here's one criminal mastermind having a spot of bother with his balaclava.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Best get that disguise back on, my friend.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Oh, try again. And again.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27Tell you what, why don't you just take a step back and start over?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31That's more like it. It's just a shame you gave police a perfect mug shot
0:18:31 > 0:18:34before you managed to get your act together.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47For Bizarre Crime, we've turned the spotlight on the cops,
0:18:47 > 0:18:50asking serving and retired officers from across the country
0:18:50 > 0:18:55to recount the funniest and freakiest things they've encountered.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59What you're about to hear might sound far-fetched,
0:18:59 > 0:19:03but it's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05COUGHING
0:19:05 > 0:19:07HE HIS CLEARS THROAT
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Welcome to Bizarre Crime's - Police Confessional.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Exhibit C - the cosmetics.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19I once interviewed a young lady who'd stolen
0:19:19 > 0:19:20some make-up
0:19:20 > 0:19:23and I looked through her bag and there was all sorts of new make-up.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26A lot of it was L'Oreal and I said to her,
0:19:26 > 0:19:32"I need to identify these. Why did you steal these L'Oreal products?"
0:19:32 > 0:19:36And she said, "Because I'm worth it."
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Exhibit D - the phone box.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43A lady colleague of mine, Jenny Ireland, was once put on duty
0:19:43 > 0:19:48in a phone box where a pervert kept phoning trying to speak to
0:19:48 > 0:19:53young girls and the pervert started asking her details of her anatomy.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Jenny had to keep this man talking until they could trace the call,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00so she kept him talking and he asked more and more personal details
0:20:00 > 0:20:04and eventually said to her, "Can you guess what I'm holding in my hand?"
0:20:04 > 0:20:06and she said in her innocent voice,
0:20:06 > 0:20:09"No. What are you holding in your hand?"
0:20:09 > 0:20:11He said, "I'm holding my penis in my hand."
0:20:11 > 0:20:15At that point, the bobby outside the phone box gave her the thumbs-up
0:20:15 > 0:20:17which meant they'd traced the call
0:20:17 > 0:20:20so she said back down the phone, "I tell you something, mate,
0:20:20 > 0:20:23"if you can fit it all in one hand, I'm not interested," and hung up.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36For our final story tonight, we're heading to the West Country
0:20:36 > 0:20:40to the sleepy picturesque Cornish village of Lower Sticker.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Not only is it the ideal home for a peace-loving tortoise,
0:20:45 > 0:20:48but because of these cute, crinkly creatures,
0:20:48 > 0:20:52it's the surprise setting for one of Britain's most bizarre crimes.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55I were too dismayed for words. The upset was horrendous.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57It's like losing one of your children.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Welcome to the Tortoise Garden Sanctuary run by Joy Bloor.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I absolutely love tortoises.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10We've got just under 400 tortoises living here.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I know the character of each tortoise here
0:21:14 > 0:21:17and they have got very different characters.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22Joy's always thought her reptile refuge was a safe, secure haven...
0:21:23 > 0:21:25..but one morning in August 2009,
0:21:25 > 0:21:30she was shell-shocked to discover that something was amiss.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I came through the gate and discovered that the door
0:21:33 > 0:21:37to the big trockle guys' pen was hanging open.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40I realised it was Zeus that was missing.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44I thought, "How could somebody take such a big tortoise?"
0:21:44 > 0:21:45And it wasn't just Zeus that had gone.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50The crooks had kidnapped a host of his little friends too.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54I was just totally gutted. I were too dismayed for words.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56The upset was horrendous.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00I raced up and dialled 999,
0:22:00 > 0:22:03and the police were phenomenal, they were there within half hour.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08The first policeman at the crime scene was Detective Constable Steve White.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12It was a very unusual theft. Having seen the size of these tortoises,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14it's very difficult to pick one up
0:22:14 > 0:22:15and pop it in a bag
0:22:15 > 0:22:18or carry it on your shoulder and then climb over a fence.
0:22:18 > 0:22:23As well as bizarre, the police were well aware that the crime was lucrative.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Tortoise theft is big business.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28The haul from Joy's sanctuary included...
0:22:28 > 0:22:3228 smaller ones vanished. They go for about £150 each.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Zeus - £3,000-£4,000. Two Indian Stars -
0:22:36 > 0:22:41they would've gone for probably £1,000 each.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44That's £10,000 worth of tortoise.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49And it's because of these huge sums that tortoise theft has doubled in the past year
0:22:49 > 0:22:53as John Hayward, co-ordinator of the National Theft Register for Exotic Animals,
0:22:53 > 0:22:55knows all too well.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Certainly in the last 12 months we have had a drastic increase.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02To a thief, obviously it's just a case of jumping a fence or whatever
0:23:02 > 0:23:05picking it up, putting it in a bag and away you go.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09It's a dreadful thing to do. It's like losing one of your children.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13DC White and his team checked out the crime scene.
0:23:13 > 0:23:19The Sanctuary has dogs and CCTV and Zeus weighed a whopping 45kg -
0:23:19 > 0:23:24the same as three microwaves or 22 bottles of water.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26So they expected plenty of clues.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Their enclosure was a little damp and there was nothing there
0:23:30 > 0:23:33to fingerprint or to get DNA from, so we were stuffed.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I mean, there was no forensic evidence, no CCTV.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38We hadn't got a clue.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44The puzzle of the missing tortoises seemed impossible to solve
0:23:44 > 0:23:49until John Hayward hit on the idea of a media campaign.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51When you've got a tortoise of that size, people say,
0:23:51 > 0:23:55"I read about it in the paper. Could this be the stolen tortoise?"
0:23:57 > 0:24:00A week later, we started getting information in.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05Somebody had seen a very large tortoise walking the streets on the Isle of Sheppey.
0:24:07 > 0:24:12But the giant tortoise in Sheppey wasn't called Zeus but gorgeous George.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15He'd been innocently bought by a local pet-shop owner.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18The wholesaler gave him the name, yeah.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22He said, "This is Gorgeous George, do you fancy this?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25"Do you want to give this a go down your neck of the woods?"
0:24:25 > 0:24:30Me thinking that was his original name, I just bought it here.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35George proved so gorgeous that he'd already been sold to Karen Todd for £1,200.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42But the very next day, Karen couldn't believe her eyes
0:24:42 > 0:24:46when she opened the paper and saw that a giant tortoise had been stolen in Cornwall.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51My immediate reaction was, there's no way it could possibly be
0:24:51 > 0:24:55the tortoise I'd bought the day before, so I was really in denial.
0:24:55 > 0:25:00Karen decided she should contact Joy and they swapped tortoise photos.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04And I kept looking and thinking, "Well, I'm no expert.
0:25:04 > 0:25:09"Are those markings on every tortoise or are they all individual?"
0:25:09 > 0:25:12You will never, ever see two identical tortoises.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17If you turn it upside down, the underside, called the plastron,
0:25:17 > 0:25:20is absolutely unique to every single tortoise,
0:25:20 > 0:25:24and it is that unique, we call it the Tortoise Fingerprint system.
0:25:24 > 0:25:30Gorgeous George and Zeus did in fact have identical tortoise fingerprints
0:25:30 > 0:25:32and that could only mean one thing.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Yes, it was her Zeus. And there's nothing I could do about it.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40He had to go back to where he came from.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44The pet shop returned Karen's £1,200.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Zeus went back home to Cornwall while police followed up leads,
0:25:47 > 0:25:50phoned in by the tortoise-loving public.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Several callers had named the same man -
0:25:53 > 0:25:55a reptile dealer in North London.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58When police knocked on his door, he 'fessed up,
0:25:58 > 0:26:01revealing all about how he'd kidnapped the gentle giant.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04He'd come to Cornwall on holiday with his family.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07He'd visited the tortoise garden the day before.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09He then hatched a plan that during the night,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12he'd come to the Sanctuary here and take some tortoises,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15which he planned to sell on in London.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19The thief and his accomplice dodged CCTV,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22kept quiet to avoid disturbing the dogs,
0:26:22 > 0:26:26and then crawled through a mucky mix of wet straw and tortoise turds
0:26:26 > 0:26:29to get their unsuspecting victim.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31It would take two of them to shuffle the hefty tortoise
0:26:31 > 0:26:35out of his sanctuary and then hoist him over the fence.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41The robber then secreted the giant tortoise in a big blue suitcase,
0:26:41 > 0:26:44ready to make his 300-mile getaway to London.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48In court, the tortoise thief pleaded guilty.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51He got a ten-week suspended jail sentence
0:26:51 > 0:26:54and he had to pay my petrol to Kent and back,
0:26:54 > 0:26:56and I was very, very disappointed with that.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I thought justice had not been done.
0:26:59 > 0:27:04As for Zeus, he's put his kidnap ordeal behind him.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07He's forgotten all about it now. He's so glad to be home.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11He's just happy. You can tell a happy tortoise.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14And you certainly don't get any happier than this lot.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Next time on Bizarre Crime -
0:27:28 > 0:27:32crooks get a fright when their victim takes flight.
0:27:32 > 0:27:37I wouldn't want to mix with an owl that was annoyed about being dragged out of bed at 5am.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40A rooftop raider is robbed of his dignity.
0:27:40 > 0:27:45There he was completely covered in soot from head to foot, completely in the nude.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50And a European round trip, plus a bogus Bulgarian formed part
0:27:50 > 0:27:54of the world's most surreal speeding-fine scam.
0:27:54 > 0:27:59The most ludicrous suggestions I've come across in many years of policing.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Subtitling by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:03 > 0:28:08E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk