0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains very strong language.
0:00:07 > 0:00:12'Preparation usually is clean shirts, clean trousers, sort out some balloons.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15'check my balloon pump, make sure that's all right.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17'Lucky aftershave.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19'Bit of lipstick.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23'False glasses. Clean hat. Clean wig. Polish my horn.'
0:00:23 > 0:00:25- HE TOOTS HORN - Afternoon.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28You got £2 you can spare?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32This is the ultimate insurance.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35- What is it?- It's a cricket box.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39The one thing that young boys think funny is to go up and punch someone in the nuts.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43It's a universal humour that I used to find funny at that age as well.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44But when your balls drop...
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Nothing's gonna get through this. Let's give it a test.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Ah, that's better. Afternoon.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53What's the baseball bat for?
0:00:53 > 0:00:56It's better to have one than not, isn't it?!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Who do you think I am, some sort of clown?!
0:01:10 > 0:01:14- After three. One, two, three... - THE KIDS ALL SHOUT OUT
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- You've got a bald head.- What?
0:01:16 > 0:01:24- It's not real! It's not real! - Keep yourselves sitting down, boys and girls.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Argh ha-ha! Aaahh!
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Now sit down, cos I want to tell you something.
0:01:28 > 0:01:34Tommy Tickle. Tommy Tickle. Tommy Tickle.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38I'm Tommy Tickle. I bought this round off a guy called Timmy Tickle.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40He moved to Essex to become Silly Billy Blue Hat.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- One, two, three... - ALL:- Abracadabra!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I never planned to be a clown.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Just fell into it.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50And I was supposed to become a landlord of a pub.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53I used to stop fare evaders on the Underground. And I fell into this.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55You little terrors!
0:01:55 > 0:01:58KIDS LAUGH
0:01:58 > 0:02:00It's very stressful.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02It's a very stressful job.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05And I don't think I could be doing it for 30 years.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07But I keep sticking at it.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I've got reasons to stick at it.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Absolute poverty, otherwise.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Amazing what you do to keep off the breadline.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18HE SINGS
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Why are pirates called pirates?
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Because they aaa-are!
0:02:27 > 0:02:31# We're going this way, that way, forwards, backwards
0:02:31 > 0:02:33# Over the Irish Sea
0:02:33 > 0:02:36# A bottle of rum to fill my tum That's the life for me. #
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- That one?- Yeah. - That's one of my favourite songs.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43When I'm performing, I'm Potty the Pirate and I don't like parents to use my real name
0:02:43 > 0:02:46because I think it destroys the illusion a little bit.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49So I do insist the parents always call me Potty.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Do you like children, then?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Oh, I love kids. They're great fun.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57When you entertain, you give out positive energy and get lots back.
0:02:57 > 0:03:03And they love pirates. Pirates are so big at the moment, so I have quite a lot of real fans.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Better than starving.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11You're not married then, Potty?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14No. Well, basically, I'm a bit shy about all that stuff,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17so I'm not very good at chatting up women.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21A lot of people say, what about all those single mothers? Well, of course...
0:03:21 > 0:03:25I'm working. I'm a professional. What can I do at the end of a party?
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Say, "Ooh, I rather like you, young lady, any chance you'd like to come out with me?"
0:03:29 > 0:03:30You can't do that.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Depending on where people have gone, for a deluxe or standard party,
0:03:34 > 0:03:39I can make anything from sort of £500 up to £1,000 at the weekend.
0:03:39 > 0:03:44The most important thing for me is that I thoroughly enjoy what I do.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- MUSIC PLAYS - What's next, huh?
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- MUSIC:- # Kiss! # - Eurghh!
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- # Comb your hair... # - OK.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56# Wave your hands...
0:03:56 > 0:03:59# Round... #
0:04:01 > 0:04:05OK. Ah! Ah! Arrghh!
0:04:05 > 0:04:08It's a snake! Help! Help!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Where's my magic whistle?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- I want Mummy...- OK. Go and get your mummy.
0:04:13 > 0:04:18She's near your counsellor. There you go. There's always one.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Seven parties a week, on average.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25And, like, on a Saturday, three.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26And then on a Sunday, three.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29And one, midweek.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Vodka, gin and Prozac.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- Who wants a laser gun?- Me!- Me!
0:04:35 > 0:04:39I'm on the go. I'm running. See, you can't keep up with me, can you?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Lots of falling down, up and down, I'm doing lots of that.
0:04:42 > 0:04:48I thought, it's jolly, Mr Pumpkin. It could have been Mr Carrothead, or Mr Blackberry.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I've got Sandy. I've got Billy Badger.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I've got Mr Crocodile. Harry Hedgehog.
0:04:52 > 0:04:58I've also got my magic garden for the little ones who like to feed and give the daisies some water.
0:04:58 > 0:05:03The other thing is, you've probably noticed that I'm not OTT, I'm not really sort of...
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Some people get dressed up as clowns and have the make-up.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10But because of the age group that I do, I tend to find that
0:05:10 > 0:05:13I don't do clowns because they get a bit nervous, some of them.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16The birthday girl, you see.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- Mr Pumpkin. - How did you think of your name?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Mrs Pumpkin. She thought of the name.
0:05:22 > 0:05:28I don't find it difficult to actually do Mr Pumpkin, because it's all in me, anyway.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32That's me anyway, so, it's not just like a job, I enjoy what I do.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33I love it.
0:05:33 > 0:05:39I was either going to be a children's entertainer, or I wanted to be an air steward.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40It's very much go, go, go.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42CHILDREN SQUEAL EXCITEDLY
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I like ice cream. Do you like ice cream?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- ALL:- Yes!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Who likes strawberry ice cream? Put your hand up. Ah-ha-ha!
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- Now, boys and girls, do I look silly in these?- No!
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- He earns every penny.- He does.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Right. Everybody sit up.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05All shuffle back a little bit. Say, "Shuffle, shuffle."
0:06:05 > 0:06:06- ALL:- Shuffle, shuffle.
0:06:06 > 0:06:13That's it. Could you tell Mr Pumpkin what is in his cave today?
0:06:13 > 0:06:14- Nothing.- Nothing?
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Nothing!
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Oh no! Who's got hold of me big sack of whoopee cushions?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Don't jump up and down on 'em cos they'll burst.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28So, what about your wife? What does she think?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- She's a psychiatric nurse. - A good thing too!
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Yeah. Tell me about it. It's how we met.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- < Bye-bye Tommy Tickles! - Bye-bye. Take care.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43So, can she help you, then, when you get home?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45No. She doesn't.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50When I get in, I just smoke and drink for the evening and that's it.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- This is wonderful.- Is it?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55This is absolutely wonderful, yeah.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Oh, man.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02You see, there's not a lot of clowns out there. There's not a lot of clowns.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06My humble abode.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Oh, they've left the batteries.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15How am I supposed to recycle my batteries if they won't take them?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Yeah, I look like a ballet dancer now.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- You've got a few holes in your tights.- Well, yes.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I'm a pirate, I'm allowed to.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Luckily. Now, it's a question of, do I wear pink or orange?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Think I'm going to wear pink cos they're not as holey.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37So that's the main part of my costume that's a bit eccentric.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40The rest of it's all pretty normal clothes, really.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Got a rather scary hole in the crotch because...
0:07:42 > 0:07:46I don't know what women do who are my size or bigger when they want tights,
0:07:46 > 0:07:50because you don't seem to be able to get tights made for people my size.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52I've not found them yet.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56I've just found it's easier to tear the crotch like this.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59And then my pirate britches.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03The main bit of my costume, of course, is my jacket.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05And I did have that custom made.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09And I specifically gave a lot of directions for what I wanted
0:08:09 > 0:08:12for that, cos it's got lots of pockets on the outside and stuff.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16- It's very tidy in here. - HE LAUGHS
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Ah, well, it's not the pirate in me.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23It's the magician in me that's obsessively tidy,
0:08:23 > 0:08:29because...you really can't be a magician and be an untidy person.
0:08:29 > 0:08:36It just doesn't work cos you have to have a clear, clear mind.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Housework. Ah, I love it.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40It's very therapeutic. I love washing up.
0:08:40 > 0:08:46I used to work on cruise ships for ten years so I suppose I got used to being in a pretty clean environment.
0:08:46 > 0:08:52I like to think my cleaning standards are at least as high as anything I saw on the cruise ships.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02This is not a look I tend to sport at home.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04As soon as I get home,
0:09:04 > 0:09:06the clowning day's behind me,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09and you know, I've been dealing with kids all day,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11the last thing I want to do is come home to me own.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Don't bite my shoes, noodle! No.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Look at his face.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- Louey, what's this?- They've never been so perfect circles.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24No, they've never been so perfect circles.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Louey, what's the matter?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Louey, Louey, come here.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Is there something wrong with Daddy?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Louey. I just want to be loved.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Love me! Love me, son, for who I am!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- LOUEY CRIES - < I told you.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Louey. Look. It's Daddy.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Me and my son.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Oh, we get a smile. Hello.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53What kind of Dad are you?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Uptight. Aggressive. Moody.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Lying. Sanctimonious. Wrong. Male.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02I'm sure you've forgotten some!
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Aggressive. Have I done that? - Yeah, you've done that.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Moody? What about sanctimonious?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- Selfish. You've done that.- Selfish.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Take some advice from Mr Pumpkin.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Don't do this. It's a killer.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Three, two... add some more tension.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25I've even got Mrs Pumpkin doing it. She's over there.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Look at Mrs P.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Got a big smile on her face.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31And right, a little bit.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40Breathe in. Feel it up your arms. Give yourselves a clap.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Well done, you worked really hard(!)
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Where did you two meet?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48We were doing the tug of war with the bishop.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50The Cardinal Hume, actually.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- It wasn't Cardinal Hume.- No, it wasn't. It was Bishop Cormack.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Bishop Cormack, as he was.
0:10:54 > 0:11:01Nick was in front of me, and he was doing tug of war, and I just thought ooh, look at those muscley arms.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Honestly.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04And then I thought, cor, he's all right.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07So I flirted outrageously with him.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09That's how we met, isn't it?
0:11:09 > 0:11:10- And I was 17.- 17.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13And next year it'll be 25 years that we've known each other.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- Ah.- Ah.- Get that on camera. Ah.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18No, she's lovely.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20We get on well, don't we? Both of us.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Because Nick used to sing in a band and he used to do some cabaret
0:11:24 > 0:11:26and he used to dress up, and we had a bit of a joke
0:11:26 > 0:11:30that when he came home we'd both sit in bed and take our make-up off.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34I think I learnt a lot by being in the band as well, didn't I?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37How to wear skirts.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38And how to put on suspenders.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Nicholas! His feminine side.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43We've all got a feminine side, haven't we?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46< Well, I have.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- Do you like having Mr Pumpkin in your life?- Yes.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Nick used to work for a printing company and he hated it.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56And he did that for 13 years.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00I had 13 years of him saying how much he hated his job.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05And he now is a different person because he's happy in what he's doing. And he's successful.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07What are we going to do today?
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- Today?- Yeah.- We'll go home and we're gonna blow some balloons up.- Right.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21'I've a feeling that some of the ladies where I live,'
0:12:21 > 0:12:27generally speaking I would say, they're a bit kind of patronising, slightly patronising...
0:12:29 > 0:12:32..about his work.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Actually, I feel very tired.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- I expect you do. - I feel really, really tired.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41But it's fine cos this show I've got to do now is going to be like falling off a log.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Right, I'm going to have to go and get myself together.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48- All right. I'll see you there soon. It starts at one.- Yeah.
0:12:48 > 0:12:54I wish he would settle down, you know.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Have children of his own, cos he's so good with children.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Why do you think he doesn't?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07He hasn't met the right one yet.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Hey! Hello, everybody.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Hello, everybody!
0:13:12 > 0:13:15THEY ALL SHOUT BACK That's it.
0:13:15 > 0:13:20When I say, just wave it up and down like a toy... Oowww!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Do you think he will find the right girl?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24I don't know. I wish he would.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26But you see...
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Well, as he said to me not so long ago, he said,
0:13:30 > 0:13:37women these days, they seem all they want is to go out and drink, go to a pub, and that's true.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39This is my little friend.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Can you say hello to the boys and girls?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Yeah. Hello to the boys and girls.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46PUPPET LAUGHS
0:13:46 > 0:13:48No, don't repeat what I say.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53'Now, where is he the best? We know now that he's the best in Brighton.'
0:13:53 > 0:13:58The next thing we hear is, he's the best in the county, then the best in the country.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03And then, I said I expect he's best in the whole world by now.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05'And in his opinion, he is.'
0:14:05 > 0:14:12# Jingle all the way. Oh, what fun It is to ride in a one horse...
0:14:12 > 0:14:16# Open...
0:14:16 > 0:14:19# One-horse open sleigh! #
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Thank you, thank you, thank you.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Merry Christmas, everybody!
0:14:24 > 0:14:27APPLAUSE
0:14:27 > 0:14:30He's certainly not lacking in confidence, is he?
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Yes, it was fine.
0:14:31 > 0:14:37A bit quiet, but it is a hospital, and quite a lot of the kids are sick that were here today.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39I was pleased with it, really.
0:14:39 > 0:14:44If I am honest, and I'm pretty sure I've told Douglas this,
0:14:44 > 0:14:49maybe not in so many words, but I'm not really interested in magic.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51They're no good for you?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- Yeah, they're cool. - Is that all right?- Yeah.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Oh, good. And I've seen some more.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- More?- More.- Near the door.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Near the door at number four.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03I got lucky with the clown trousers. I bought them at a charity shop for £3.50.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04I've done every party with them.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07They've come apart, but my mum's done them all up.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11They've got through about four hula hoops, but now she's worked out
0:15:11 > 0:15:14how to make the clown trousers out of a template.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Come on, dear.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Hello. Got to come and see your nan.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23If you give him something to eat, like a biscuit or something, he'd love it.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25He's not having nothing.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28So what do you think of his new career?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Well, I admire whatever he does.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33He's amazing. It does worry me a little bit at times, you know,
0:15:33 > 0:15:37in case he gets sort of let down, but he fights back.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40This afternoon, we're at Horsham,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42and my eldest daughter lives at Horsham.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45She's just about to be kicked out the school.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48She's just had her third suspension in a row.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51If she sees me there, it's gonna be swearing, the whole lot.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53She'll just kick off. It won't be good.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56So maybe she's not going to be there.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58He's a good lad. You know,
0:15:58 > 0:16:03I do admire him, cos he has taken some knocks.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05But he's picked himself up, as they say.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09# Brushed himself down And started all over again! #
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Pumpkin one.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Pumpkin two. And pumpkin three.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Oliver. Sebastian. And Miles.
0:16:18 > 0:16:23- This is my mum. This was taken when she was 18.- Wow.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Lovely lady, isn't she? Beautiful.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Yeah.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I've got a video upstairs of my mum when she didn't have the illness.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34It's her in the kitchen having a laugh, and it's just really nice.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36She was the socialiser.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39She was the one that organised all the parties and things.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Dad was more sort of...
0:16:44 > 0:16:48He was happy with his own company, you know.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Here he comes! Ready?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- Everybody go, "Shake, shake, shake." - ALL: Shake, shake, shake.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58Now, Billy, don't eat the cake. If he tries to eat the cake, tell me.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02- He's eaten it!- What? Right! Billy, that's very, very...
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Arghhh!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Right. I want something cheap and bright.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- Cheap and bright.- Yeah.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- This one?- More clown.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- I need clown red.- This one?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Got a bit lighter?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21That's spot on. How much are they?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Would you like a balloon for the little girl?
0:17:39 > 0:17:43- Could I have one for me? - Fair enough. - HE LAUGHS
0:17:44 > 0:17:46'Children today are very different.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49'Children today are different to how they were 15 years ago.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52'No moral boundaries. No nothing.'
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- Are you too old for a balloon?- Yeah.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56You're too old. Do you want a PlayStation 4?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- Yeah.- How about an Xbox 420?- Yeah.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01I've got some in the van. I'll go and get 'em in a minute.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Do-do-do, doodley-do.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04'I mean, look at my eldest.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06'She's an absolute...
0:18:06 > 0:18:08'You know, she's vile.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11'She's... I love her to bits, but she is...'
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Hi, Dad.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- My daughter. - This is actually my dad.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18< Can you make me a sword?
0:18:19 > 0:18:23- I'm on my break, but I'll make you one as soon as I get back. - OK, thanks.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- Owww. I don't wanna be on camera! - Hi, Mummy.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29See, that's exactly what my dad doesn't like. >
0:18:29 > 0:18:31This like really disappoints him. >
0:18:31 > 0:18:33But sometimes it's hard because, like,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I feel like whilst I'm still young I should be allowed to make mistakes.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39What a turn up for the books. I didn't realise that.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42If you look at the...
0:18:42 > 0:18:44This is what she sent just the other day.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48"You can be a right cunt at times, I don't owe you anything.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51"I haven't done anything wrong. Care about your other kids."
0:18:51 > 0:18:56I said the "c" word while dressed as a clown. That's terrible. Right.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00My dad gives too many rules and my mum doesn't give enough,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02so I don't get met anywhere in the middle.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04She won't listen to anybody.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06She won't do as she's told, won't do the right thing.
0:19:06 > 0:19:11I know that some people think I moved to my mum's so I can get away with everything, but I didn't.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I moved cos it was bad between me and my dad.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I have to switch off.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16How do you do that?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I don't know. I really don't know.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24But she's been a major problem for some time. A major worry.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26So I've just learnt to live with it.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32Another minute, all I've got to do is be a clown for 45 minutes, this hour.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34And then I'm done. Obligation up.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39It's been an emotional afternoon, but I can't be emotional any more.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41I've got to be happy.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43That's it. That's assault.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45What's your name?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Jellyfish McSpasatron!
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Jellyfish McSpasatron?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52I'm going to name my kid that.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53What one?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- The one that's going to be born next week.- Good.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- There you go. Get your council house.- Yeah.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04- And I don't quite know who the dad is yet, but I'm going to find out soon.- Right.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08I've narrowed it down to three people so far.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10One of them could be female.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Oh, my God, I can speak gibberish. Listen.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- SHE SPEAKS IN PIG LATIN - That's brilliant.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Now all you've got to do is pass your O-levels.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- I know.- Right. Sorry about that.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Hello. And what's your name?
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- What's your name?- I'm Jamie.- Jamie.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Jamie. Would you like a golden swan?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- Bye-bye.- Bye. Been emotional.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Right. Do-do-do.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Do-do doodley do.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45There's your doggy.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47And you'd like a pirate sword?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49This fucking town.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Every time I come to Horsham or Crawley, things fuck up big time.
0:20:52 > 0:20:57For fuck's sake. Right. "Do you want a fucking balloon?" I'll give you a fucking balloon.
0:20:57 > 0:21:02I've fucking had it up to here with fucking balloons!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04That was Tommy Tickle.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08He'll be back in 15 minutes after his short break.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Oh, man.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14I saw Mum today down at the care home in Horsham.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Took my dad over there.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18So that was all right.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- How was she?- She was all right.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23She could be better, actually.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26But, she had some food.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27She had some jelly babies.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31She likes jelly babies now, so we've taken her some jelly babies.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34When you go and see her, what do you talk about?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37We don't talk much. We just sort of laugh and smile.
0:21:37 > 0:21:42Cos she can't communicate greatly, cos of the illness that she's got.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47But she sort of smiles. She just likes to cuddle, you know, which is brilliant, isn't it?
0:21:47 > 0:21:52I don't know. I don't know what the future holds for Mum really, to be honest.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57She's comfortable, but it's just a terrible illness, isn't it?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01It would be quite nice if you could come in and see her, actually.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12How loud can you scream?
0:22:12 > 0:22:16THE KIDS ALL SCREAM
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Quite loud.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18This skull...!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20It isn't actually scary. >
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- Not scary?- No. Not scary.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Who's not scared?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Well, anyway, then...
0:22:30 > 0:22:31SOUND EFFECT
0:22:31 > 0:22:34So I put pixie dust on the captain.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36He and his men were having a ball!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39They were shouting and screaming. The carpet started to float about.
0:22:39 > 0:22:45It flew past the enchanted mountains where the waggly birds and the...
0:22:47 > 0:22:51THE CHILDREN CLAP AND MUSIC STARTS
0:23:19 > 0:23:21# For it's hard, you will find
0:23:21 > 0:23:25# To be narrow of mind
0:23:25 > 0:23:29# If you're young at heart... #
0:23:31 > 0:23:33When I was about 16, I thought, oh, dear.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37I knew I just wasn't like other people. My childhood was hell.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I didn't like my childhood, cos I went to 14 schools.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42My father was a raging alcoholic.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44My mother was a complete Jesus freak.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49He was actually the worst alcoholic I have ever encountered.
0:23:49 > 0:23:54You see the guys on the streets drinking White Lightning at nine in the morning.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56My father would put that to shame.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58When I was seven, the whole family just went...
0:23:58 > 0:24:02HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY It wasn't a family any more.
0:24:02 > 0:24:07I just thought, well, I don't want to ever be in a relationship which is going to end that way.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11I'd rather not be in a relationship at all than with somebody I'm not in love with.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15I guess I'm the ultimate romantic, and it's hard to find your romantic girl these days.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Most girls don't give me enough time to get to know them.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23One thing that girls should look out for - if you want to find a romantic man,
0:24:23 > 0:24:27you've got to know him before he's going to make love to you.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Otherwise...It's a joke.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Yeah, these are superfast rollerblades.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48There you go. Robert Mugabe.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52This is the box of magic tricks. But you didn't hear that, Maxi.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54What's your first name? Austin?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57- No, it's Maisie.- Oh, it's Maxi. OK.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Tommy Tickle is the very person I'm looking for.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02You've got a big fat bum.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06KIDS LAUGH
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Who can sit down quietly?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Right. Leo Sayer, can you just sit over there for me, please?
0:25:12 > 0:25:16I'm warning you, I've got some ASBO gift vouchers I'll give you.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Which one of you brave individuals would like to come up to
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- the fat, sweaty man and draw a nice, big, round circle there.- Me!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- KIDS YELL:- Me!
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Do the nose, but don't go over the lines.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Oh, it went up my nose!
0:25:31 > 0:25:36If you've got a fat man dressed as a clown in front of them, there's no rules.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39I mean, if that's the teacher,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41it's all off. The rules are off.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45The thing is, whatever party you do, you don't really know
0:25:45 > 0:25:49what you're going to find. Each party's different. Very, very different.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Until you get there, you don't know what the children will be like.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57The majority of threes, fours and five-year-olds, they're pretty good.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00When they reach six, they change.
0:26:00 > 0:26:06They're not so forgiving, if you get the tricks wrong.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07I'm always getting it wrong.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09KIDS YELL
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Don't interrupt me!
0:26:13 > 0:26:17'When you put kids in a room, they change because they get courage.'
0:26:17 > 0:26:22You have really good children all of a sudden become the ringleader
0:26:22 > 0:26:25of a gang of savage thugs. Average age, five.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28You can see them change and if you haven't got parents around...
0:26:28 > 0:26:31I'm not a childminder, I'm a children's entertainer.
0:26:31 > 0:26:36But the amount of times I turn up at parties and all the parents are in the kitchen, Pimm's...
0:26:36 > 0:26:39You know people say that children grow up too quickly?
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Well, why do they think children grow up too quickly?
0:26:43 > 0:26:47It's because they have pressure put on them to grow up quickly.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Who is this man?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Leader of Zimbabwe.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53It's Robert Mugabe!
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Robert Mugabe backwards, is it? Ebagum Trebor. Ebagum Trebor!
0:26:57 > 0:27:02Ebagum Trebor. Mr Straightface! Mr Straightface is saying. yes...
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Hm-hm. No. Cheaper car insurance?
0:27:05 > 0:27:06You're sponsored by Admiral.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10We'll spend the last ten minutes, I'll make you all a magic balloon.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13And then I've got to go back to my nice, padded room.
0:27:31 > 0:27:37'Usually, at the end of the day, there's nothing better that I like to do than obliviate myself
0:27:37 > 0:27:39'in front of a large amount of alcohol and fags.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43'Cos I'm just so knackered. Really drained.'
0:27:43 > 0:27:45How long do you think you'll keep this up for?
0:27:45 > 0:27:49For about another three years, I reckon.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Three or four years. I said five years.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53So, yeah, another four years.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02- 300 quid.- 300 quid?!
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Cheers. All right.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07I'll send someone round to put it on the mortgage. Bye, bye, Marlon.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09I have the number of a good therapist if you need it.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10He'll need it after this!
0:28:17 > 0:28:21- Anybody got a light?- No, sorry. - You don't smoke?- No, course not.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25- What kind of kids are you nowadays? - Not good enough!- You freaks!
0:28:25 > 0:28:27LAUGHTER
0:28:27 > 0:28:28Oh! Right.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31- Say. "Silly Billy!" - KIDS: Silly Billy!
0:28:31 > 0:28:34- Say, "Get the cream!" - Get the cream!
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Shattered.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41I tell you, my throat is just starting to go a little bit now.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45I don't know if I can take any more custard pies in the face this year.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47I've had about a thousand of them!
0:28:47 > 0:28:51And the lips start to go a bit dry, you know. Right.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Pack these bits away now.
0:28:57 > 0:29:01I'm quite a quiet person outside of this industry.
0:29:01 > 0:29:07I'm not as hyper as I am here, but I probably let it all go when I'm doing my shows.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10So there is that other side to Mr Pumpkin.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12# I love to dig all the day
0:29:12 > 0:29:16# And finding treasure is a joy I can't express... #
0:29:16 > 0:29:17'The kids have to like you.
0:29:17 > 0:29:21'If the kids don't like you, you're in big, big, big trouble.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23# When I see That treasure chest... #
0:29:23 > 0:29:25CHILDREN MAKE NOISES TO INTERRUPT
0:29:25 > 0:29:28Are you going to stop blowing on your blowers?
0:29:28 > 0:29:32No? OK. We'll put music on, cos you've had enough singing now.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41I finished the songs early, cos they were blowing those blower things.
0:29:41 > 0:29:42It's kind of pointless.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45Cos I can't concentrate and the kids can't really hear
0:29:45 > 0:29:48what I'm singing anyway, with all that noise going on.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52'In this game, you can see how, if your attitude to performing changes,'
0:29:52 > 0:29:55that can be very dangerous. It's a question of burn-out.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58If you feel yourself burning out, there's things you must do -
0:29:58 > 0:30:03get together with other entertainers and talk, take a break, read a book, learn a new routine.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07There's things you can do. But if you're getting to burn-out stage,
0:30:07 > 0:30:09it's important to do something about it.
0:30:09 > 0:30:14I've done a party before where a child stood right...two foot away
0:30:14 > 0:30:17and called me Mr Poohead for 40 minutes.
0:30:17 > 0:30:21Loud. Didn't stop. "Mr Poohead! Mr Poohead! Mr Poohead! Mr Poohead!"
0:30:21 > 0:30:24The rest of the kids didn't care.
0:30:26 > 0:30:30And it's very tempting that you could lose it. But you can't.
0:30:30 > 0:30:31You can't lose it.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34But, I'm not saying that everybody's lost their temper,
0:30:34 > 0:30:38but with this job, if you lose your temper, it's high profile.
0:30:38 > 0:30:42You'd be surprised at people who don't ask whether you're police-vetted.
0:30:42 > 0:30:47I've probably been asked three times, in five years.
0:30:47 > 0:30:51- It can happen to pretty much anybody. - I did hear of one incident.
0:30:51 > 0:30:55I imagine he just snapped, was pushed too far and had had a bad week. I don't know.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57The Great Velcro.
0:30:57 > 0:31:02Erm... Obviously, I've read about him in the papers.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05My father-in-law pointed him out to me in the Evening Argus.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08And then he made the Mail or whatever it is, as well.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11KNOCK AT THE DOOR
0:31:13 > 0:31:15- Yeah? Hello.- Hello.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17- What a surprise.- The Great Velcro?
0:31:17 > 0:31:20Not any more. I've lost that name.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22- Have you?- Mm. It had to go.
0:31:22 > 0:31:26- Is it OK if I come in? - Yes, yes. Yes, madame.
0:31:26 > 0:31:32Well, this is my front room, which is also known as The Tip, and also known as a magic room.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34How many rabbits have you had?
0:31:34 > 0:31:37Over... Since about '78, four.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39Let me think. Rosita.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41Georgina.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43Albert...and Millie.
0:31:43 > 0:31:47I work with a rabbit when I know it's suitable to work with a rabbit.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50The climate, as such, has changed.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53People are not always um....
0:31:53 > 0:31:57so sympathetic to a magician with a rabbit any more.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00It's got certain connotations.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02But... So...
0:32:02 > 0:32:08I probably am one of the last generation of magicians that'll use rabbits.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Feather dusters?!
0:32:11 > 0:32:13They are my magic flowers.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15HE LAUGHS
0:32:15 > 0:32:21I came out the Navy, left school at 15, what could I do?
0:32:21 > 0:32:23A bit of juggling. A bit of chat.
0:32:23 > 0:32:27Yeah, I sometimes think that I'm not suitable for this line of work,
0:32:27 > 0:32:29because I have got a terrible temper.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31I've got a raging temper.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34Even if you did lose it, you might sort of think, "Oh, God."
0:32:34 > 0:32:36But at the end of the day, you've got to remember
0:32:36 > 0:32:40you're an entertainer, you're there to make everybody happy.
0:32:40 > 0:32:45You know, there are laws, there are public laws, and there's your own law
0:32:45 > 0:32:49of what you think's right, and what you think's wrong, you know,
0:32:49 > 0:32:53and they don't always tie up together, do they?
0:32:53 > 0:32:59Anything physically abusive or mentally abusive to children is obviously not acceptable.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02Go back home, you know,
0:33:02 > 0:33:05or go up on the Downs and scream away, you know.
0:33:05 > 0:33:10The deification of kids has happened in the last 40, 50 years.
0:33:10 > 0:33:16I think the Greeks or the Romans had any sort of thing about kids, they'd crucify them.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18You know, little sods, you know.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21Deep down, I punish my kids.
0:33:21 > 0:33:26But do some kids deserve it? Are they a pain in the backside?
0:33:26 > 0:33:29I did a show in a park and this kid came,
0:33:29 > 0:33:30started behaving really badly.
0:33:30 > 0:33:38He didn't relate to me at all. He started throwing my stuff away, and then he started being weird.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42He started looking at my balls, going... HE MAKES A KISSING NOISE
0:33:42 > 0:33:45And I thought, this kid's taking me for a big ride here.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48I thought, sod it, I'm not having this.
0:33:48 > 0:33:51I thought, Lynn, you've done it now.
0:33:51 > 0:33:55I thought, you have done it. I thought, God, Lynn.
0:33:55 > 0:33:5830 years up the creek.
0:33:58 > 0:34:03Look how many parties he's done - thousands of them. Everyone's allowed to make one mistake.
0:34:03 > 0:34:04It only takes one time.
0:34:04 > 0:34:08Just one slip. And it could theoretically ruin your career.
0:34:08 > 0:34:12Big disaster, really, cos they called the police and I got a caution.
0:34:12 > 0:34:16The kids were shouting, "Are you going to get arrested? Are you going to prison?"
0:34:16 > 0:34:21I think he just was pretty tired and he just made the mistake of picking the wrong person.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25We've been able to get an excellent magician.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27Now, I love magicians and I hope you do too.
0:34:27 > 0:34:33Abracadabra. Simsalabim. Hocus pocus, fish bones choke us.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35Hat back on the head. Abracadabra.
0:34:35 > 0:34:36Da-dah!
0:34:36 > 0:34:37LAUGHTER You may clap.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40APPLAUSE
0:34:40 > 0:34:43The police officer said, "We're going to caution you.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45"You can't hit a child."
0:34:45 > 0:34:48It's not called "clipping round the ear" any more.
0:34:48 > 0:34:53When I was in the car, I felt quite emotional and upset.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56And the policewoman, obviously the sensitive one,
0:34:56 > 0:35:01you know, touchy-feely, said - cos I was a bit, "Oh God," - she said,
0:35:01 > 0:35:04"How do you feel about it?" I said, "I feel sorry.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07"I feel sorry for myself, actually."
0:35:07 > 0:35:09- What's inside, Colin? - An Easter egg.- Take it out.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13Chocolate egg for you, for being a good boy.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:18 > 0:35:21God. I mean, I shouldn't have done it, you know, but...
0:35:23 > 0:35:25- I did.- 'Lynn's old school.'
0:35:25 > 0:35:29You have to be really on the ball nowadays just to keep ahead.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32MUSIC PLAYS # Go Johnny go, go!
0:35:32 > 0:35:34# Johnny, be good. #
0:35:35 > 0:35:38INAUDIBLE
0:35:41 > 0:35:47'This kid had just pushed the boundary of a 63-year-old man
0:35:47 > 0:35:54'who's lived a bit, lived through Thatcher and Tony Blair.
0:35:54 > 0:35:59'I'm not a bad person. I may have been a bad person on that day.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02'That's one day in 63 years.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06'Well, I'm not dancing round a handbag singing I Will Survive.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09'I just had to get on and do it, you know.'
0:36:14 > 0:36:17Do you think you'll never do a kid's party again?
0:36:17 > 0:36:20Oh, I will do them on special request.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23If they want a particularly violent magician, I'll be there.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28This is a little bit sad. Put your hands up, everybody.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30- Say, "How sad. " - KIDS:- How sad.
0:36:30 > 0:36:36It's a little bit sad, cos this is a story about a man called Mr Pumpkin.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38- Who's Mr Pumpkin?- Me!- You!
0:36:38 > 0:36:45- Do you know what, I'm afraid Mr Pumpkin's getting a little bit old. Everybody go, "Ahhh."- Ahhh.
0:36:45 > 0:36:46That's lovely, thanks.
0:36:48 > 0:36:50Have you been a bit low, then?
0:36:51 > 0:36:54When I go and visit my mum - at the moment she's very poorly.
0:36:54 > 0:37:00And so, to see somebody deteriorate in such a quick time.
0:37:00 > 0:37:04Although she's still alive, you're grieving now.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07It's a form of grief, cos she's not that person.
0:37:07 > 0:37:11She's there, but she's not the mum that I used to know,
0:37:11 > 0:37:15who was a very happy, lively mum and full of life.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18And...
0:37:18 > 0:37:25she's just that shell now. And there's no answer for it.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28You know, she's not going to get better.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31She's just going to be on the decline.
0:37:31 > 0:37:35Then I'm going from that to a party where everybody's happy and they expect you
0:37:35 > 0:37:41to suddenly put on this lovely mask, that Mr Pumpkin mask, that lovely face everybody loves, very happy.
0:37:41 > 0:37:45So you have to change. You have to go into like auto drive and turn into Mr Pumpkin.
0:37:45 > 0:37:49When that door opens, bang, you're Mr Pumpkin and you have to perform.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52< Right, children, what are we going to say to Mr Pumpkin?
0:37:52 > 0:37:54- KIDS:- Thank you!
0:37:54 > 0:37:56You're very welcome.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59- Thank you very much.- Can we do hip hip hooray for Mr Pumpkin?
0:37:59 > 0:38:02- Hip hip...- Hooray!
0:38:02 > 0:38:04- Hip hip...- Hooray!
0:38:04 > 0:38:07- Hip hip...- Hooray!
0:38:09 > 0:38:12Brilliant. I don't normally eat this, to be honest.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14- Do you guys have healthy food, then? - Yeah, muesli.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16A grapefruit.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18Not a whole one. Half a grapefruit.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21- Sparkling water. - INTERVIEWER GIGGLES
0:38:21 > 0:38:24No coffee. No coffee. No tea.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26Don't drink any alcohol whatsoever.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31Mr Pumpkin's body is a temple, as they say.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36Cor, that's good coffee.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38How does a pirate retire?
0:38:38 > 0:38:42Well, you can never quite get away from being a pirate, you know.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45I mean, basically, once a pirate, always a pirate, yeah.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47So I'll always keep doing stuff till the day I drop.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50What I don't do enough of is go out to meet people, you know.
0:38:50 > 0:38:56That's my problem. Also, at my age, I think, well I don't really want to be going out too much.
0:38:56 > 0:38:59I'd far rather have a family at home and spend time with them.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01So, the problem is, where do you meet people
0:39:01 > 0:39:05in a country like England where it's freezing cold most of the time?
0:39:05 > 0:39:07See, my choice would be on the beach.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10Why are people scared of clowns?
0:39:10 > 0:39:12Why are people scared of the Russians?
0:39:12 > 0:39:15Why are people scared of chavs?
0:39:15 > 0:39:17You know, it's the Daily Mail again.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19When you walk into a show,
0:39:19 > 0:39:23they don't know you. You could be anybody, couldn't you?
0:39:23 > 0:39:29I normally say to them, look, I've got three boys, and that immediately puts them at ease.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31If they know you've got children,
0:39:31 > 0:39:34it just, you know...
0:39:34 > 0:39:38it makes them feel a bit more at ease with you.
0:39:38 > 0:39:42I've had people at parties... I've come out of a party and you're getting changed
0:39:42 > 0:39:45and they're just saying, "You dirty old clown paedo."
0:39:45 > 0:39:47You know.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50"Had a good time feeling the kids?"
0:39:50 > 0:39:55To be quite frank, if I wasn't a clown, it's probably the kind of thing I'd say.
0:39:55 > 0:39:58It's, um... it's what people say, really.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01I just feel as if I want to kick their fucking teeth in.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04I'd love to kick their fucking teeth in.
0:40:04 > 0:40:07I march in, get myself sorted out, there is no chance.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10Not even the merest hint of getting a child on their own.
0:40:10 > 0:40:13It's not as if you get a child up on stage and say,
0:40:13 > 0:40:17"I'm going to pull this cover over them and make things disappear for 15 minutes."
0:40:17 > 0:40:20It just wouldn't happen.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23If you're going shopping, if you go alone, you can see the children,
0:40:23 > 0:40:25you look at them and give them a smile.
0:40:25 > 0:40:29Now parents can take that. If they don't know you, they're going to think,
0:40:29 > 0:40:33"What's he looking at my child for? Why is he smiling at the child?"
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Some people would take that the wrong way.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46- So you really haven't been in here before?- No, no, never.
0:40:46 > 0:40:49- Not even in the old days?- No.
0:40:51 > 0:40:52BURLESQUE MUSIC PLAYS
0:41:02 > 0:41:06But the great news is, I've got my new routine going at last.
0:41:06 > 0:41:10Well, it's not new. It's two years old now. I've been working on it for two years.
0:41:10 > 0:41:15Well, I suppose it's because I take what I do quite seriously.
0:41:15 > 0:41:19Any kind of artistic thing, you've got to focus a bit.
0:41:19 > 0:41:24The trouble is, you end up with tunnel vision, and that's all you do.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26The onslaught starts tomorrow.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29So I don't want to stay out too late either, really.
0:41:30 > 0:41:33AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:41:33 > 0:41:36APPLAUSE
0:41:40 > 0:41:44You can't do a kid's party with a hangover.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47The kids will know there's something wrong - they'll pick up on it,
0:41:47 > 0:41:51and they'll get at every little nick in your armour, every chink
0:41:51 > 0:41:57in your armour, and they'll get you and get you, and they'll pull you down and it'll be awful.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00What do you think of Doug's job then, Erica?
0:42:00 > 0:42:03Well, I think it's very funny,
0:42:03 > 0:42:09in a sort of a quite heart-warming way. He's a very warm person.
0:42:09 > 0:42:11So, it's good.
0:42:11 > 0:42:19But, I just sometimes feel that he can't really divorce himself from the role.
0:42:19 > 0:42:21You know?
0:42:21 > 0:42:25And he comes out with sort of making pirate noises
0:42:25 > 0:42:30- in sometimes very inappropriate places.- What noises?
0:42:30 > 0:42:32Those sort of quite throaty noises.
0:42:32 > 0:42:36- Aarrhh, that'd be because I be a pirate, see?- Well...
0:42:36 > 0:42:41Potty the Pirate is a distillation of various parts of my own character.
0:42:41 > 0:42:43So, really, Potty the Pirate is already me.
0:42:43 > 0:42:46So, I'm never going to be any different to Potty the Pirate.
0:42:46 > 0:42:52It's just that there's possibly a little bit more to discover in the real person.
0:42:52 > 0:42:56You know, I have to accept him as he is.
0:42:56 > 0:43:00- Just go with it, I think. - DOUG LAUGHS
0:43:00 > 0:43:05This one is of me, my mum, my dad
0:43:05 > 0:43:08and Fiona, on our wedding day.
0:43:08 > 0:43:10Let's see if I've got any more here.
0:43:10 > 0:43:12Oh, this is a good one. You'll like this.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14That's me as Julian Clary when I was in my band.
0:43:14 > 0:43:17- Wow!- Yeah. Very camp.
0:43:17 > 0:43:20Choke collar, for that extra gay look.
0:43:22 > 0:43:25- And the cycling pants, look. - Did men come on to you?- Pardon?
0:43:25 > 0:43:28Did men come on to you while you were dressed like that?
0:43:31 > 0:43:33Might have done.
0:43:33 > 0:43:37When I was in the band, Mum used to come and watch and she'd put all my make-up on.
0:43:37 > 0:43:39If it wasn't on properly, she'd tell me.
0:43:39 > 0:43:42Or, "That wasn't such a good gig," "This was a good gig,"
0:43:42 > 0:43:44or "Your choke collar's not on properly."
0:43:44 > 0:43:50I used to do a bit of Elton John, a bit of Phil Collins, a bit of Queen.
0:43:50 > 0:43:53And she liked to sing as well. She'd whistle.
0:43:53 > 0:43:56Mum liked Nat King Cole. There we are.
0:43:56 > 0:43:59MUSIC: "Unforgettable"
0:43:59 > 0:44:03It's not a brilliant video, but it's memories, isn't it?
0:44:03 > 0:44:05I want to sort of keep it.
0:44:08 > 0:44:12# Unforgettable
0:44:12 > 0:44:16# That's what you are... #
0:44:16 > 0:44:19That's a lovely picture of Mum, isn't it?
0:44:19 > 0:44:23# Unforgettable
0:44:23 > 0:44:28# Though near or far...
0:44:30 > 0:44:36# Like a song of love That clings to me
0:44:36 > 0:44:42# How the thought of you Does things to me
0:44:42 > 0:44:45# Never before
0:44:45 > 0:44:51# Has someone been more... #
0:44:51 > 0:44:54With Alzheimer's, yeah,
0:44:54 > 0:44:57you are, you go back to being like a child, really.
0:44:57 > 0:45:00She had some tests done and everything.
0:45:00 > 0:45:05I think things just deteriorated over the last...
0:45:05 > 0:45:07I'd say, the last year-and-a-half.
0:45:07 > 0:45:11- It was very quick, then?- Yeah. It happened in about a year-and-a-half.
0:45:11 > 0:45:12Very, very quickly.
0:45:12 > 0:45:15# That's why, darling
0:45:15 > 0:45:18# It's incredible
0:45:18 > 0:45:23# That someone so unforgettable
0:45:23 > 0:45:30# Thinks that I am unforgettable too. #
0:45:32 > 0:45:34What do you miss?
0:45:34 > 0:45:35Um...
0:45:40 > 0:45:42Um...
0:45:42 > 0:45:46I just miss being able to go up and talk to her.
0:45:46 > 0:45:49You know, and have cuddles and things.
0:45:49 > 0:45:52If I had any problems, I could go and talk to Mum.
0:45:52 > 0:45:55I sometimes find it a bit difficult to go and talk to Dad, whereas Mum
0:45:55 > 0:46:00I could just talk to, and she would say, just come and have a cuddle, which was nice.
0:46:02 > 0:46:06I haven't... really got that any more.
0:46:06 > 0:46:11I can give the cuddles, you know, but you don't get the same response as you would when
0:46:11 > 0:46:16she was well, which I miss, which I would like back again,
0:46:16 > 0:46:19and it's not going to happen, is it?
0:46:19 > 0:46:25I try and always be that sort of happy person.
0:46:25 > 0:46:29- But you put that on for your mum as well, don't you?- Yeah.
0:46:29 > 0:46:32Have you always been your mum's entertainer?
0:46:32 > 0:46:34Yeah, yeah.
0:46:35 > 0:46:37MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:46:37 > 0:46:41Hello, Robbie!
0:46:41 > 0:46:44I'm all right. It's Robbie the magician.
0:46:44 > 0:46:45Are you?
0:46:45 > 0:46:50# Swing low
0:46:50 > 0:46:56# Sweet chariot
0:46:56 > 0:47:03# Comin' for to carry me home
0:47:03 > 0:47:07# Swing low
0:47:07 > 0:47:12# Sweet chariot
0:47:15 > 0:47:22# Comin' for to carry me-e-e
0:47:22 > 0:47:29# Ho-o-ome. #
0:47:32 > 0:47:35Tell me about Erica. She seemed so lovely.
0:47:35 > 0:47:37What does she mean to you?
0:47:37 > 0:47:43Ah, well, I don't know, really. It's a strange relationship we have because...
0:47:45 > 0:47:51..one of the very first things she said to me was, "Well, we have absolutely nothing in common."
0:47:51 > 0:47:59I don't think she takes the relationship seriously at all, so I'm not about to either.
0:47:59 > 0:48:01You see, I am...
0:48:01 > 0:48:06The fundamental thing about me is I believe in God, pretty fervently.
0:48:06 > 0:48:09I don't subscribe to religion,
0:48:09 > 0:48:12but I know that God's real, because God's demonstrated
0:48:12 > 0:48:17to me in my life that he exists.
0:48:17 > 0:48:23Call it universal intelligence, greater power, whatever you want to call it, but it is real.
0:48:23 > 0:48:25That's the fundamental thing in my life,
0:48:25 > 0:48:29so the thing about relationships is it comes secondary to that.
0:48:29 > 0:48:34Do you relate your job to your beliefs?
0:48:34 > 0:48:40Put it like this, my whole life is a product of my faith, yeah.
0:48:40 > 0:48:42Everything that happens to me in life,
0:48:42 > 0:48:44I believe, is a product of what I believe.
0:48:44 > 0:48:49So, yes, it's related.
0:48:49 > 0:48:51It's not directly related,
0:48:51 > 0:48:56and I would never start talking to children about God in such terms.
0:48:56 > 0:48:58I prefer for children to talk about magic,
0:48:58 > 0:49:04because as far as I'm concerned, God and magic are pretty much equivalent.
0:49:11 > 0:49:14Magic wand and a red ball and a hat.
0:49:14 > 0:49:16That's a hat trick. Only did it once.
0:49:16 > 0:49:18Off the top of my head.
0:49:18 > 0:49:21What you do is, you take the ball off the wand,
0:49:21 > 0:49:25throw it in the air where it's invisible. Wait for it to come down.
0:49:25 > 0:49:29Over the top. And there it is.
0:49:33 > 0:49:36I had to change my life a bit. Um...
0:49:36 > 0:49:38So, what do you do now?
0:49:38 > 0:49:40What have you had to do?
0:49:40 > 0:49:45I just thought, of all the people that like magic, other than kids...
0:49:46 > 0:49:52it isn't teenagers, it isn't the stand-up comedy crowd...
0:49:54 > 0:49:57It's people of an older, more civilised generation.
0:49:57 > 0:50:02- What are they like as an audience, then?- Quiet.
0:50:02 > 0:50:04No, they're fine. But they watch.
0:50:04 > 0:50:06They're not stupid, you know. They watch.
0:50:06 > 0:50:08And it's a magician, a magician.
0:50:08 > 0:50:13They've been brought up on '40s and '50s and '60s sort of variety shows.
0:50:13 > 0:50:14Yeah.
0:50:14 > 0:50:17They're not Xbox.
0:50:17 > 0:50:20They are still doing jigsaw puzzles.
0:50:21 > 0:50:23This hasn't been heard for years.
0:50:23 > 0:50:27MUSIC PLAYS
0:50:27 > 0:50:31MUSIC: "Harley Davidson" by Serge Gainsbourg
0:50:35 > 0:50:38# Je n'ai besoin de personne...
0:50:38 > 0:50:40# En Harley Davidson
0:50:40 > 0:50:43HE REVS A MOTORBIKE
0:50:43 > 0:50:45# Je ne reconnais plus personne
0:50:45 > 0:50:47# En Harley Davidson
0:50:51 > 0:50:54# J'appui sur le starter... #
0:50:54 > 0:50:57- Brigitte! - # Et voici que je quitte la terre
0:50:57 > 0:51:03# J'irai peutetre au paradis Mais dans un train d'enfer... #
0:51:03 > 0:51:05Ah, Brigitte!
0:51:06 > 0:51:08Thank you very much.
0:51:08 > 0:51:10HE LAUGHS
0:51:10 > 0:51:14HE WHISTLES
0:51:23 > 0:51:26The teddies are both gifts, and they're just there
0:51:26 > 0:51:30because they're quite cute really, and this one is actually a puppet.
0:51:30 > 0:51:36I tell you what. Would you like a nice big bowl of porridge?
0:51:36 > 0:51:38Bowl of porridge?
0:51:38 > 0:51:42Oh, no, he doesn't eat porridge, cos he's a puppet. I forgot.
0:51:42 > 0:51:43What? You don't like that word.
0:51:43 > 0:51:47He doesn't like that word. What word do you like?
0:51:47 > 0:51:50Friend. He likes that word. Are you my friend?
0:51:50 > 0:51:52No, you're not, you're a puppet, you stupid thing.
0:51:52 > 0:51:54Look, me hand's stuck up you.
0:51:55 > 0:51:59You have to be careful that you don't go completely insane,
0:51:59 > 0:52:04and start having a relationship with your puppet that's beyond the norm.
0:52:04 > 0:52:05Cos it could happen.
0:52:05 > 0:52:07Could so easily happen.
0:52:07 > 0:52:10I was seeing Nathan, because Nathan was really upset.
0:52:10 > 0:52:16- About what?- About what happened with Ricky, there was a load of people trying to jump him.
0:52:16 > 0:52:19Well, stick away from all of them. They're all bad news
0:52:19 > 0:52:21and your behaviour is criminal.
0:52:22 > 0:52:24I got a call from the school.
0:52:28 > 0:52:29So what happened?
0:52:29 > 0:52:33Well, I was having this argument.
0:52:33 > 0:52:37I was having this argument with this teacher because he wouldn't let me move a chair
0:52:37 > 0:52:40and he was excluding me from the rest of the girls in my class.
0:52:40 > 0:52:46Then he went to pick on me on my own and I got in a mood about it. And then...
0:52:46 > 0:52:50he's really small, so I called him a flid, which I know that was quite out of order,
0:52:50 > 0:52:52but he does look like one. And then
0:52:52 > 0:52:57I just got really angry, and I swore a lot and I punched a lot
0:52:57 > 0:53:00and went completely off the handle.
0:53:00 > 0:53:02And then I got in a bit of a fight with the policeman.
0:53:02 > 0:53:06This is a difficult subject to talk about.
0:53:06 > 0:53:09I don't even know what it is.
0:53:09 > 0:53:12Sometimes I just kick off.
0:53:12 > 0:53:15In the grand scheme of things,
0:53:15 > 0:53:19I couldn't really give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.
0:53:19 > 0:53:22It's not the worse thing ever to happen in the world.
0:53:22 > 0:53:27It's just a bit of a pain cos it just means that, as a marker of long life so far,
0:53:27 > 0:53:32it just makes me feel as if I haven't done as good a job as I should have done.
0:53:32 > 0:53:35And I think this has been a shock for you as well,
0:53:35 > 0:53:38cos I don't think you thought you were going to get expelled.
0:53:43 > 0:53:46And I should expect it's not a very nice experience.
0:53:53 > 0:53:56I feel really small.
0:54:02 > 0:54:04Hmm.
0:54:04 > 0:54:06Yeah. Just wish I had the...
0:54:09 > 0:54:12The wisdom to get you through it.
0:54:12 > 0:54:15I ain't going to be a single mum living in a council house
0:54:15 > 0:54:19on some dead-end estate, working in McDonald's, with about seven kids.
0:54:19 > 0:54:21You should become a clown.
0:54:24 > 0:54:26It's the only way I can give you a head start,
0:54:26 > 0:54:28cos you'll be able to do a job for £100 an hour.
0:54:28 > 0:54:34That means I could dye my hair blue and pink and green and all them amazing colours.
0:54:34 > 0:54:36And have a reason to do it.
0:54:36 > 0:54:40I think it would be quite a good job. The thing is, she's got a...
0:54:40 > 0:54:44To be a good clown or a children's entertainer, you've got to go through
0:54:44 > 0:54:49a massive amount of personal upheaval so to be in a room of screaming kids, all they want to do
0:54:49 > 0:54:52is punch you in the butt, it seems like an all right night.
0:54:52 > 0:54:55You have the ability to do it cos you've helped me out in the past.
0:54:55 > 0:54:57And then blow into it.
0:54:58 > 0:55:03Get the air in your cheeks, but then push it from your cheeks into the balloon, not from your lungs
0:55:03 > 0:55:06into the balloon because you'll never do it.
0:55:06 > 0:55:08Keep stretching it.
0:55:08 > 0:55:10No, Mondays you put it up.
0:55:10 > 0:55:13ELDERLY RESIDENTS MURMUR
0:55:18 > 0:55:20This is slightly different, isn't it?
0:55:23 > 0:55:25'But, yeah...'
0:55:25 > 0:55:29it's always warm, it's always warm.
0:55:29 > 0:55:32Always warm. My audience are there.
0:55:32 > 0:55:34I'm just gearing up.
0:55:34 > 0:55:37Pity there's no green room.
0:55:37 > 0:55:39Whatever that may mean.
0:55:43 > 0:55:46But, an audience. An audience.
0:55:46 > 0:55:48That's what it boils down to.
0:55:49 > 0:55:51It's tough at the top, you know.
0:55:52 > 0:55:56I started off with nothing and I've got most of it left.
0:56:02 > 0:56:05Put that in. That's quite good.
0:56:26 > 0:56:28£10.01.
0:56:28 > 0:56:29That's a pain!
0:56:31 > 0:56:33Cos we've got to get to Eastbourne, quick.
0:56:33 > 0:56:35£10.01, please.
0:56:35 > 0:56:38I haven't got the penny.
0:56:38 > 0:56:41Can I have a receipt as well, please? Thank you.
0:56:41 > 0:56:43- See you.- Yeah. Ta-ta.
0:56:43 > 0:56:46Right. Let's go. Eastbourne, Eastbourne, Eastbourne.
0:56:46 > 0:56:49Got to get there real quick. 30 in a 40.
0:56:49 > 0:56:52Come on. Fuck's sake.
0:56:52 > 0:56:53INTERVIEWER GIGGLES
0:56:53 > 0:56:57Do you find this funny? 16:58, three minutes in.
0:56:57 > 0:57:00For fuck's sake. And the ambulance ain't turned off.
0:57:00 > 0:57:02There's some fuckin' old...
0:57:02 > 0:57:07There's a pensioner crossing the road on all fours, rolling a cabbage with their nut. Here we go.
0:57:07 > 0:57:10Eyes down for a full house. Party number four today.
0:57:10 > 0:57:12Party number eight in two days.
0:57:12 > 0:57:14Saturday today. Yesterday was Friday.
0:57:14 > 0:57:17MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:57:17 > 0:57:18Hello?
0:57:18 > 0:57:21What time does the party finish?
0:57:24 > 0:57:28Yeah. I'm just going to floor it and I'll see you as soon as I can, all right?
0:57:28 > 0:57:32Right. We've got 40 minutes until the party finishes.
0:57:32 > 0:57:34Come on! That's right.
0:57:34 > 0:57:35Fuck rack, wank cupboard!
0:57:35 > 0:57:39It's a life of parish halls and community centres
0:57:39 > 0:57:43and well-meaning, well-to-do people's houses,
0:57:43 > 0:57:46and I wreak havoc going from nice place to nice place,
0:57:46 > 0:57:49cos I've often not got enough time.
0:57:49 > 0:57:50Gemma!
0:57:50 > 0:57:52I've got me balloons.
0:57:52 > 0:57:54Looking for a party.
0:57:54 > 0:57:56Has anybody seen a party?
0:57:56 > 0:58:00- Who's the clown? - KIDS:- You!
0:58:18 > 0:58:22Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:22 > 0:58:26E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk