0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains very strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:07I first met Ruth a few months ago.
0:00:07 > 0:00:11Wanker. Shirt wanker.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Shirt wanker!
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Concentrate.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20I've been called some things in my time, but this was something else.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22- But I knew it wasn't personal. - Hello!
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Ruth has Tourette's syndrome.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29A neurological condition that makes her say and do involuntary things.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Shit sticks.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34For a while Ruth's Tourette's took over her life,
0:00:34 > 0:00:38smashed her confidence, and stamped on her musical ambitions.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42But that's all changing now.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45And I was lucky enough to hang out with Ruth
0:00:45 > 0:00:47as she attempted to take control
0:00:47 > 0:00:50and get her singing career back on track.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Petrol bomb! Petrol bomb!
0:01:07 > 0:01:11It's early in the morning and Ruth is heading out for the day.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Petrol petrol bomb! Petrol bomb!
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Condoms. Syphilis. Gonorrhoea.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Chlamydia.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Cat AIDS.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Cat AIDS.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Gobby shite.
0:01:28 > 0:01:34Travelling is everyday stuff for most of us. But with Ruth nothing is mundane.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I know I have the possibility to say anything
0:01:37 > 0:01:42or to make any movement or to make any gesture.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I am and will always be a ticcer.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47I have finally come to terms with it.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Whether or not I deal with it on a day-to-day basis very well
0:01:51 > 0:01:55is different, but that's cool.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59I think that's another thing, it's OK to have days
0:01:59 > 0:02:02where I'm just like, I can't deal with this, it's OK.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05But, yeah, I've come to terms with it.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Wankers.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17That's another issue.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21And there's not enough time to turn back and say you know... Hello!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25There's no cure for Tourette's.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Over 300,000 people in the UK have it in some form or another.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36But only 10% of those are like Ruth, where their Tourette's
0:02:36 > 0:02:40sometimes compels them to swear and act inappropriately.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I go like that as in to say thank you
0:02:42 > 0:02:45but then I end up going like that as well
0:02:45 > 0:02:47and I think maybe that's why sometimes they come faster
0:02:47 > 0:02:51which isn't cool because I don't walk very fast.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Dodgy trolley time. Cankles!
0:03:02 > 0:03:07Oh my God! Cankles!
0:03:09 > 0:03:14Thunder Thundercats. Oh!
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Hanging around with Ruth, I find even though she's aware of what she's doing,
0:03:18 > 0:03:23it's obvious to me that it's very difficult for her to control her Tourette's.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Hairy Mary is a fairy.
0:03:25 > 0:03:31Hello. I do very much look after myself.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Huh! Huh! Nuts!
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Nuts!
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Absolutely nuts!
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Nuts! Nu-u-uts!
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Nu-u-uts! Nuts!
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Nu-u-u-u-uts!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I think there are some nuts over there.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Bomb, mouse.
0:03:58 > 0:04:04Aha. I get weird, funny looks, comments.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Sometimes it's positive.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12You always provoke a reaction, always.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Even simple tasks are, well, a bit different with Ruth.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Knickers!
0:04:18 > 0:04:21And you can never be sure of how people will react.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- Wankers! - I was enjoying the song.- Why?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27You think so?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29You think this is singing?
0:04:29 > 0:04:34It's Tourette's syndrome, a neurological condition which causes involuntary sounds
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- and movements, that's what it is. - Oh, yeah?- Thunder cats.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- And you're fine?- Yeah, have you heard of the syndrome before, no?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- Yes, I have, yes, I have. - Oh really?- I have.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47But you didn't recognise it straight off, did you?
0:04:47 > 0:04:51- No.- No, cos it's so different from person to person.- That's good.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- You'll sleep well tonight. - Whatever.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Plonkers! Wankers.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Paki!
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Ching Ching.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Jihad, Jihad!
0:05:05 > 0:05:09No race, no denomination,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12no gender, no sexuality,
0:05:12 > 0:05:15no religion is safe when I come out.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Chocolate!
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I am not a racist.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I am a Tourettist.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25But I'm not a racist.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Jesus was a nigger. Honestly.
0:05:33 > 0:05:39I would like to think that the more I put myself out there the more that...
0:05:40 > 0:05:43..I don't know about people knowing Tourette's
0:05:43 > 0:05:46but people knowing my Tourette's
0:05:46 > 0:05:49and getting less stares
0:05:49 > 0:05:52and generally life being easier.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56That's the hope. Oh Jesus, don't let me be fat!
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Hello.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Ha ha ha ha!
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Ah! Ah ha!
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Ha ha! Ha.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18Yeah, I can also tic laugh, I can do them all.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26As well as mimicking people she hears,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Ruth also imitates the noises around her.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32SHE MIMICS THE CASH TILL
0:06:34 > 0:06:38And sometimes she blurts things out she doesn't want you to know.
0:06:38 > 0:06:4098234.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44234.
0:06:44 > 0:06:4898795.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50895.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Enter.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Five years ago, at the age of 20,
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Ruth headed off to Middlesex University to study music.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14- Gobshite.- A promising singing career lay ahead.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16This is the first time she's been back.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23I was in my second year when I got diagnosed.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26It was weird because I think
0:07:26 > 0:07:28my tics were starting...
0:07:28 > 0:07:32to surface, I would say. I was suppressing them.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35But they wasn't as obvious and I remember sometimes running
0:07:35 > 0:07:39out of lectures and having panic attacks and stuff
0:07:39 > 0:07:41cos I felt like I didn't know what was going on either.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44My sister mentioned a couple of times maybe I had Tourette's
0:07:44 > 0:07:47cos she'd seen Pete from Big Brother
0:07:47 > 0:07:49but I just didn't equate that to myself.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52All right, wankers.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55And everyone who I'd seen from the books and things like that
0:07:55 > 0:07:59and the internet seemed to be white Europeans
0:07:59 > 0:08:01so I just thought, "No, it's not me."
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Bus wankers.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06I realised I could see people looking at me.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Bus wankers!
0:08:07 > 0:08:11And I know it wasn't just looking at me, it was like looking at me
0:08:11 > 0:08:17like at certain parts of my face were moving too much or maybe my hands.
0:08:17 > 0:08:23Ha! And sort of like noises like that, monosyllabic noises
0:08:23 > 0:08:29that almost could be, you know, construed as like letting out air.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Huh! Ha.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33But they were a bit more than that, so I got looks for that,
0:08:33 > 0:08:36which is understandable.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Wankers.
0:08:37 > 0:08:42I just didn't go out really, I sometimes wouldn't wake up
0:08:42 > 0:08:47and would just sleep, I just had no energy, I couldn't be arsed
0:08:47 > 0:08:49and I didn't want to face
0:08:49 > 0:08:52having to deal with other people's reactions to it,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55it was like I had a bad enough time trying to get it myself
0:08:55 > 0:08:58and understand it and was perplexed by it
0:08:58 > 0:09:02and yet I was meant to answer every single question about it,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05when I didn't even understand a lot about it.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07I was embarrassed by it to be quite honest.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Fat cunts!
0:09:12 > 0:09:16Woah! Going to school, it's for fools!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18You're behind, you're tired,
0:09:18 > 0:09:23your tics are still manifesting themselves as well.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28I think people just took it as skiving and being lazy.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Ruth's Tourette's became unmanageable.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Her blinking and facial tics in private
0:09:39 > 0:09:42became swearing and screaming in lectures.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45In 2008 Ruth had to quit university,
0:09:45 > 0:09:49giving up all ideas of a career in music.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58You miss lectures, you don't hand in work.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02All sorts of excuses.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06If I want to hide something, I'm very good.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Didn't want to talk to anyone about it - how will they help me?
0:10:09 > 0:10:13They didn't have Tourette's. That's how I saw it, so black and white.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Gobshite!
0:10:25 > 0:10:28This is the first time in three years she's been back
0:10:28 > 0:10:32in her university music room. And I really want to hear her play.
0:10:34 > 0:10:40- I'm rubbish now, honestly. - Just try.- No. I'm rubbish.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44- Just try.- No.- A little tinkle.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48- See if you can remember anything. - You put me on the spot here now.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04SHE PLAYS FLUENTLY
0:11:21 > 0:11:23SHE SINGS ALONG
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Oh!
0:11:47 > 0:11:52It's the only things I have really big dreams about...
0:11:52 > 0:11:55flying and music...
0:11:55 > 0:11:59are the two things that I feel are just like no boundaries,
0:11:59 > 0:12:03my body doesn't stop me, my tics don't stop me,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06nothing can stop me, I feel like...
0:12:06 > 0:12:10Ahh, like that, that's how I feel.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I know what I can do.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25I know what I want to do and I suppose that's the drive that I have.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Hello.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33About six months ago I realised that making music
0:12:33 > 0:12:36was almost like a therapy.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40I get release from this and I'm able to just do something
0:12:40 > 0:12:44and know full well that I'll be in control of it at all points.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48I know that at no moment I'm going to drop something or break something
0:12:48 > 0:12:52or walk into something, I'm just going to be totally in control of it
0:12:52 > 0:12:56and I can actually envision what I'm going to do and fulfil it,
0:12:56 > 0:12:57in the way I want to do it.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01SHE SHOUTS
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Observe the soft, smooth inhalation
0:13:11 > 0:13:16and soft smooth exhalation.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Yoga to me is a way for my mind to be finally still.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Shit.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Do some standing postures...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Cankles!
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Wankers!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Cripple!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Cri-i-i-ple! Cripple! Cripple!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Cripple! Cripple! Cripple! Cripple!
0:13:52 > 0:13:57Cripple! Cripple! Cripple! Cripple!
0:13:57 > 0:14:01- Does yoga help?- Cripple. Help!
0:14:01 > 0:14:07It's helped, yeah. I do feel somewhat relaxed.
0:14:07 > 0:14:12- Firmly down.- Tight. - Gary, you're bending your legs.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16When I'm on my own my tics go into overdrive.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Your senses are more heightened...
0:14:20 > 0:14:26Your sense become more heightened and so your tics...
0:14:26 > 0:14:27run wild.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32SHE MAKES A NOISE
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Hello.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Flowers.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Flo-o-o-o-wers.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Flowers.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Letters.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Le-e-e-e-tters.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Letters. In memory of cunts.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58In memory of wankers.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03In memory of squirrels.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08The only way is Scunthorpe.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Denise Van Outen.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Deni-i-i-se!
0:15:16 > 0:15:18The only way is Scunthorpe!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Squirrels!
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Ruth was born in 1986 in London.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Her father returned to Nigeria when she was two,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38leaving her mother to bring up Ruth and her brother and sister.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I was very impulsive as a kid, so I'd just jump and dive
0:15:43 > 0:15:46and tumble off anything.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Inevitably I'd always get hurt or stuck somewhere.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I got my arm stuck in a few things and my head stuck in a few things.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55To infinity and beyond!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Screw a Jew. No, thanks.
0:16:00 > 0:16:05Very impulsive. Very act first, think later.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Fight first, think later.
0:16:08 > 0:16:13Jump off something, dive off something, flip off something,
0:16:13 > 0:16:16and then maybe it'll hurt later.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23When I was young, I was very quiet, very introverted.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I needed order and for things... to know what was coming up.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31And honestly, just cripplingly shy.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37I used to love coming down here with my brother and my sister
0:16:37 > 0:16:38when we were kids.
0:16:38 > 0:16:43It feels smaller now, but we used to, like, run from up there down here.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Recreate all the gladiator events.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48I think I was always last.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Paedo.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Paedo.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Paedo in a Speedo.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09As a child, Ruth showed no sign of having Tourette's.
0:17:09 > 0:17:14Her first small tics didn't appear until she was at secondary school.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16At the time, she had no idea what they were.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23This sounds about right. I was always late for school and the gates were always shut.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28It was here that Ruth first discovered her passion for music
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Oh, you've all grown up!
0:17:38 > 0:17:39LAUGHTER
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Ruth is met by her former teacher, Miss Franklin.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Ah, welcome!
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Nice to see you.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47You too!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49You have to get through the gate now.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Yeah, I was going to say, this is...
0:17:51 > 0:17:54As she walks through her old school gates, it's amazing to see
0:17:54 > 0:17:58how calm Ruth suddenly becomes. Her tics all but disappear.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59I'm all right, yeah.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01No children though.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02LAUGHTER
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Oh, my God! I can't remember where my locker was.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12There you go. Welcome home!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14You look really well.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Thank you!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17You don't even look grown up.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I know! Yes! It's weird cos I get ID'd now
0:18:19 > 0:18:23and I think, are they trying to flatter me or whatever.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Then I'm like, "Shut up", and they're like "ID, love"
0:18:26 > 0:18:29whereas before I was so struggling to get in...
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Of course not, Miss, I never did...
0:18:31 > 0:18:32No-one asks me for ID.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Aw!
0:18:34 > 0:18:35I would.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:37I was still very studious.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I was still very uptight in a way.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Still kind of shy at heart.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44I spent a lot of time up in the music...
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- You did.- Yeah.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50But it's funny cos at the time I was doing a lot of PE as well
0:18:50 > 0:18:53like, netball and things like that and it was almost like
0:18:53 > 0:18:56a real big battle I had within myself
0:18:56 > 0:19:01cos it's like I was good at both but I couldn't do both
0:19:01 > 0:19:04and give us much to both, you know. So...
0:19:04 > 0:19:06You chose well.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Maybe I would've been all right here with... As my Tourette's is now.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11- You would.- Yeah.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Of course you would.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Yeah. I think a lot of people still remember me from secondary school
0:19:16 > 0:19:18as how as how I was, larking about,
0:19:18 > 0:19:22so it would have been just that but with the Tourette's on top of it.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- I knew you would cope.- Yeah.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Cos you would, cos you always had a really quiet determination.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Sometimes we had to help you with the determination...
0:19:31 > 0:19:32LAUGHTER
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- ..but on the whole...- Gobshite.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37You were always going to succeed.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39I started ticcing when I was about 16,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42and so I would've been a sixth form but it wasn't noticeable
0:19:42 > 0:19:45and for some parts, I guess I was pretty much in denial about it.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Also I knew when I went home that I would sit there
0:19:48 > 0:19:50and just be moving constantly but I just...
0:19:50 > 0:19:55It was two different kind of... I didn't associate myself with moving so much,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57it was weird but it, yeah...
0:19:57 > 0:20:02Then coming back here and also a lot of old friends from school,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05who are on Facebook, there was like this whole thing,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08"No, does Ruth have Tourette's?", all of that going on
0:20:08 > 0:20:09and so it's, yeah...
0:20:09 > 0:20:13because I never grew up and developed with it,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16there are some places where I just never had it,
0:20:16 > 0:20:18so, like, this is one of those places
0:20:18 > 0:20:21and so in a way it is kind of nice to just walk back in
0:20:21 > 0:20:25and have you just sort of like say "hi!", and not be like,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27"What's this?", you know.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29So that's really nice because for me that's probably
0:20:29 > 0:20:32one of the most difficult things about having Tourette's
0:20:32 > 0:20:36is maybe like meeting people who didn't know you before
0:20:36 > 0:20:38with all the movements and then seeing them again.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42That for me is quite, you know... I hate that, you know.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45It always fills me with, like you, really nervous...
0:20:45 > 0:20:48You know, like, their reactions.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Gobshite!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Most cases of Tourette's appear in childhood.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03When Ruth's came on in her teens, it took years before anyone worked out what was wrong.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06I started developing, like, motor tics,
0:21:06 > 0:21:11like, rapid eye blinks, then nose twitching
0:21:11 > 0:21:15and it was all sort of on the right-hand side of my face.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20I think at that point, my mum started taking me to my GP at the time.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Bitch!
0:21:21 > 0:21:23And she always just kept saying,
0:21:23 > 0:21:26"Oh, it's nothing, it's just a nervous twitch."
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Shit sticks.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Paedos.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I think we went back several times and then after a while
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I thought, I can't be arsed cos it's just too distressing
0:21:36 > 0:21:39every time to go in there to be made to feel as though you're stupid
0:21:39 > 0:21:42and that you don't know what's going on with yourself.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Being made to feel like you're a liar
0:21:45 > 0:21:49and that you you're doing all of this for attention.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50We all have shit.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53It's what you do with it afterwards.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56You can either clean it up nicely with some wipes
0:21:56 > 0:21:59or you can... You can stew in it.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07# Deck the halls with cunts and wankers... #
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Faster!
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Run, fat boy, run!
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Keeping running, ignore me.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Oh, petrol bomb.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Ruth's older sister, Joy,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30was the first person to guess Ruth might have Tourette's.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Me and my sister...
0:22:38 > 0:22:40I think we look different.
0:22:40 > 0:22:45So, it always alarms me when people say, "Oh, I couldn't tell who's who."
0:22:45 > 0:22:49And it's kind of even funnier now, cos...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51it's like an ongoing thing all throughout our childhood
0:22:51 > 0:22:53that no-one could tell who was who.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56But I felt like I looked more like my brother.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00As we've gotten older - people don't say it -
0:23:00 > 0:23:02but I know how they can tell us apart -
0:23:02 > 0:23:05cos I have Tourette's and she doesn't!
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- Gobshite, paedo. - Look at Simon, look at Simon.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13DUCKS QUACK Quack, quack, quack!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17'Before, I didn't know how to cope with your Tourette's,'
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I know you're the one with Tourette's and I'm your sister,
0:23:20 > 0:23:21- I haven't got Tourette's...- Hello.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24..but I think Tourette's affects people round you as well,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26like friends and family
0:23:26 > 0:23:28because when we used to talk before...
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- Hello!- I didn't know how to carry on...- Yeah.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32..having a conversation with you
0:23:32 > 0:23:35and you'd make a noise and I'd be like, "Are you OK?"
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Like the phone.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39And I'd carry on stopping, like, constantly.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42They hear you coming and they're like, "That's Auntie Ruth,"
0:23:42 > 0:23:43and I'm like, "How d'you...?"
0:23:43 > 0:23:47"Just listen, you can hear her coming round the corner."
0:23:47 > 0:23:49I think sometimes you can spend your time maybe...
0:23:49 > 0:23:51petting someone and going,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54"Yeah, there, there," or "Yeah, you do have a tough time of it,"
0:23:54 > 0:23:58or "Yeah, it is really bad. Oh, yeah, yeah, I do see your struggle,"
0:23:58 > 0:24:00but my sister's not like that.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02None of us are like that in my family.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Ruth has recently returned home to live with her Mum.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11'I know now every time I walk out of the door,'
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I know why she says, "Be careful" and she genuinely means it...
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"What time you coming home tonight? Don't go raving, drink or smoke.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19"Don't do this, don't do that."
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- I'm saying that to her.- "OK then, Mum, I'm just going to sit at home
0:24:22 > 0:24:24"and just whine about having Tourette's."
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Ruth's only real escape from her Tourette's is when she sings.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36And over the weeks I've been with her,
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I've realised just what that must mean.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45RUTH SINGS MUSICAL SCALE
0:24:45 > 0:24:49# La-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
0:24:49 > 0:24:52# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
0:24:52 > 0:25:00# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. #
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Going to end it there cos I know I'll embarrass myself
0:25:02 > 0:25:04when I go up with the arpeggios.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10I suppose I've not done any... practising in a very long time.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13It's been more just like, getting used to singing again
0:25:13 > 0:25:17and so just doing it cos I've found it therapeutic,
0:25:17 > 0:25:20I'm not doing it cos I want to be a singer,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23I'm just doing it cos it does help with my tics
0:25:23 > 0:25:26and so doing this feels more sort of like...
0:25:28 > 0:25:30..putting the theory with the practical
0:25:30 > 0:25:33and I suppose that's what makes someone better or improve.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37ELECTRONIC KEYBOARD NOTES
0:25:37 > 0:25:40RUTH SINGS MUSICAL SCALE
0:25:42 > 0:25:46I love it, it gives me so much joy, so much peace...
0:25:47 > 0:25:50..even though I can sometimes be like, raargh!
0:25:50 > 0:25:54But...at times with my movements and stuff,
0:25:54 > 0:25:58it's the only kind of respite I get, not even when I sleep,
0:25:58 > 0:26:00cos I manage to still crack my teeth
0:26:00 > 0:26:02but that is...
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Fuck!
0:26:28 > 0:26:32In 2009, a year after quitting university,
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Ruth found support meeting up with others affected by Tourette's.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41It was the first time she'd met anyone else with the condition
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Snap!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I needed that Tourette's group,
0:26:47 > 0:26:52it's the only place I was going to go to and tic and just let go.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54'It takes people a long time to come to it
0:26:54 > 0:26:58'so you also have maybe things that prevent you from coming,
0:26:58 > 0:27:01'anxiety-related issues and what not...
0:27:01 > 0:27:04'but everyone who comes has a good time,'
0:27:04 > 0:27:06learns so much from it,
0:27:06 > 0:27:08comes away with wanting more of the group.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Em, these were exactly the same feelings as I had,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14before that, you'd probably have never met anyone else...
0:27:14 > 0:27:16with Tourette's syndrome.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17Hello, everyone!
0:27:17 > 0:27:21- Hello!- SCOTTISH ACCENT: - Have you come from Aberdeen?!
0:27:21 > 0:27:22RUTH LAUGHS
0:27:22 > 0:27:23Two years on,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26and Ruth now coordinates a local Tourette's support group.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30We've all kind of like said hello to each other and stuff
0:27:30 > 0:27:32but nobody's met Elliot yet.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Good afternoon, my name's Elliot, I'm an actor
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- but I'm currently training... - Phone home.- Yeah.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43A young actor has joined the meeting to help him prepare for a role.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46It's an ongoing project of 12 weeks
0:27:46 > 0:27:48and basically, it started with two families
0:27:48 > 0:27:50and my character has Tourette's
0:27:50 > 0:27:51so I've come down here,
0:27:51 > 0:27:53I spoke to Ruth to see if I could meet you guys.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57But it's weird though, cos a lot of it is just physical things
0:27:57 > 0:28:00and a lot of really heavy breathing, which was horrible.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03- Oh, ooh!- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07A lot of like, coughing, so I would sit there...
0:28:07 > 0:28:10- GROUP MEMBERS COUGH - A lot of that.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14And... So, there's a lot of that
0:28:14 > 0:28:16and then, with the Tourette's thing,
0:28:16 > 0:28:18the problem is with acting Tourette's I found,
0:28:18 > 0:28:21is that you don't want to be too stereotypical.
0:28:21 > 0:28:26- No. Gobshite!- When did you finally come to terms with your Tourette's,
0:28:26 > 0:28:29when did that finally, you had a decent understanding of what it was?
0:28:29 > 0:28:31About five minutes ago!
0:28:31 > 0:28:34GROUP MEMBERS LAUGH
0:28:37 > 0:28:40What what what what what?
0:28:41 > 0:28:43What what what what what?
0:28:43 > 0:28:46With friendships and relationships and stuff, how...
0:28:46 > 0:28:49were they, were they quite accepting of it, like how...?
0:28:49 > 0:28:56You suppress, ooh, suppress is the word that...
0:28:58 > 0:29:00..ticcy people do, I think.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06I work in a Mind...charity shop.
0:29:06 > 0:29:10- Hello.- And for Mind they really...
0:29:10 > 0:29:12there's some understanding but you know,
0:29:12 > 0:29:16- you still suppress in front of your managers...- Right.
0:29:16 > 0:29:20..because you know, you want to present as normal.
0:29:20 > 0:29:21When I worked at Fred Perry
0:29:21 > 0:29:25I used to go in the back cupboard in the stock room...
0:29:25 > 0:29:28- RUTH:- Mouse! - ..and ah...just let it all out.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31So no-one could hear cos it was packed with clothes.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34- RUTH LAUGHS RUTH:- Only the mice!
0:29:34 > 0:29:37I just...I just let it all out doing my shoulder movements
0:29:37 > 0:29:39and stuff like that, so it was good.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41- RUTH:- Cables.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43That's the real challenge for me,
0:29:43 > 0:29:45it's not just finding the physical attributes,
0:29:45 > 0:29:49it's trying to find like, what it is within everyone who has Tourette's
0:29:49 > 0:29:52and then why they do it.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55I think that there's more going on under the surface with Tourette's
0:29:55 > 0:29:56than what you see,
0:29:56 > 0:30:00so as much as it seems like a lot out there's more going on.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03I think for a for a lot of people with Tourette's,
0:30:03 > 0:30:04a lot of people here,
0:30:04 > 0:30:07the first thing to do is suppress, that's a natural thing to do
0:30:07 > 0:30:10and so you wouldn't see the full amount of it, to be quite honest.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12Hra!
0:30:12 > 0:30:14And that's just like a society thing, I think.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16It's much more comfortable to...
0:30:16 > 0:30:19You know, you want to relax you want to be part of the group,
0:30:19 > 0:30:22as it were, but you're going to suppress. Hra!
0:30:22 > 0:30:27We get good at suppressing, so what you see is all... Woo!
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Really inside rather than necessarily, erm,
0:30:30 > 0:30:34expressed physically.
0:30:34 > 0:30:39It's all words and words and words and words as well.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48I'm stuck down a well.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50Velociraptor training school. Fu...
0:30:50 > 0:30:53While Ruth is spreading the word about Tourette's,
0:30:53 > 0:30:56her friend and fellow support group member, Jess,
0:30:56 > 0:30:59is taking things that little bit further.
0:30:59 > 0:31:00# Fuck a bear I'm a biscuit bear. #
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Jess has had Tourette's since she was six
0:31:02 > 0:31:06and has created Tourette's Hero, a character she plays in schools
0:31:06 > 0:31:09to help fight the stigma attached to the condition.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14You combine sort of the unpredictable...
0:31:14 > 0:31:15Biscuit! Biscuit! Biscuit!
0:31:15 > 0:31:17..the unpredictability of Tourette's,
0:31:17 > 0:31:20with the unpredictability of people's reaction to it.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22Biscuit!
0:31:22 > 0:31:25And you've got quite a quite an odd way of living. Keys!
0:31:41 > 0:31:43Tonight Jess takes her campaign worldwide,
0:31:43 > 0:31:47with the launch of the Tourette's Hero website.
0:31:47 > 0:31:51And she's asked Ruth to get up on stage to support the cause.
0:31:52 > 0:31:57The first time I met you... Biscuit! ..I remember... Biscuit! Fuck!
0:31:57 > 0:32:00All I wanted to do was stare. Biscuit!
0:32:00 > 0:32:03And I wanted to stare at you because... Fuck!
0:32:03 > 0:32:06..because it was the first time that I'd seen somebody with...
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Cankles!
0:32:08 > 0:32:11And I wanted to know what it looked like, what I looked like. Fuck!
0:32:11 > 0:32:13And not just seeing someone with tics. Biscuit!
0:32:13 > 0:32:16Seeing someone... Biscuit! Fuck! ..with tics that looked like my tics.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18- Fuck! You might disagree with me but...- I do!
0:32:18 > 0:32:21But fuck! Biscuit! I fucked a sheep! Obviously when I need to talk about
0:32:21 > 0:32:25Tourette's in the context... Fuck! ..people is only a very small percentage...
0:32:25 > 0:32:29Biscuit! ..of people with Tourette's that swear. Fuck! Biscuit! Biscuit!
0:32:29 > 0:32:31But for me it is part of my experience...
0:32:31 > 0:32:33Not me, fuckers!
0:32:33 > 0:32:35Biscuit! And I have to acknowledge that.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38Tourette's is a multi-tic spectrum disorder.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40Just because someone sees yourself or sees me
0:32:40 > 0:32:42or sees Pete from Big Brother,
0:32:42 > 0:32:44does not mean that next time they won't get it wrong.
0:32:44 > 0:32:48So it's just about changing, like you say, changing the world
0:32:48 > 0:32:49a tic at a time.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54It's only minutes before Ruth gets on stage
0:32:54 > 0:32:56and I've never seen her so nervous.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05Let me say something... Cankles!
0:33:08 > 0:33:11Err! I've known Jess now for about... Fuck off!
0:33:11 > 0:33:14..for about three years now. I can't see anyone.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17And she's an amazing person, so I'm glad to be here today.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20This is about celebrating the uniqueness...
0:33:20 > 0:33:23Fuck off! ..of Tourette's syndrome,
0:33:23 > 0:33:26which I don't have. Everyone thinks I do, but I don't have it.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29Grab the mic off me or I won't give it back to you.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32Grab it off me, go on, grab it off me!
0:33:32 > 0:33:35Make some noise right now!
0:33:38 > 0:33:41Ruth's really enjoyed herself. I hope this has given her
0:33:41 > 0:33:44the confidence she needs to get back on stage, to perform live,
0:33:44 > 0:33:46and show off her amazing voice.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56It's difficult to believe that three years ago,
0:33:56 > 0:33:58Ruth's Tourette's left her isolated
0:33:58 > 0:34:00and unable to face the outside world.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04Now, for the second time this year,
0:34:04 > 0:34:07Ruth is about to jump out of a perfectly good plane...
0:34:07 > 0:34:10with two friends from her Tourette's support group
0:34:10 > 0:34:13Sorry, it's taking me a while.
0:34:13 > 0:34:17Do one of you guys want to witness Ruth's signature?
0:34:19 > 0:34:22Telephone number?
0:34:22 > 0:34:23999!
0:34:23 > 0:34:25Erm, zero...
0:34:25 > 0:34:27Nine! Two...
0:34:27 > 0:34:29No, sorry, just 0-2-0...
0:34:31 > 0:34:34Ay! 7-2-6-3... Ha hai!
0:34:36 > 0:34:39999! No, 2-7-3... Oh, no...
0:34:39 > 0:34:40I've forgotten it now.
0:34:43 > 0:34:48I'm very nervous because why would you want to throw yourself out of a plane, right?
0:34:48 > 0:34:50But I'm going to fly so that's totally cool.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53It's funny cos I'm not even feeling like a nervousness
0:34:53 > 0:34:56like when I perform it's just... it's excitement, it's excitement.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58I'm going to fly.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02I've always felt like I could fly.
0:35:02 > 0:35:06I feel like that on stage as well, like I can fly and I will fly today.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Ah!
0:36:52 > 0:36:54I loved it! Amazing, oh!
0:36:54 > 0:36:57I loved it, seriously, just like flying...
0:36:57 > 0:36:59The patchwork quilt. Oh, it was just...
0:36:59 > 0:37:03We tumbled as we came out, we spun, I flew it.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Oh!
0:37:05 > 0:37:08Come here, guys. Wasn't it amazing?
0:37:08 > 0:37:09Hey!
0:37:16 > 0:37:21You know what, I had no fear doing that. Like, that's death-defying.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24I'm not going to die from doing a gig but I get so nervous.
0:37:32 > 0:37:36Ruth's passion for performing seems to have been re-ignited.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38She's even decided to sing in front of people
0:37:38 > 0:37:40other than her close friends.
0:37:41 > 0:37:45I want to do about four or five public performances,
0:37:45 > 0:37:49even if they're small, even if they just open mic nights.
0:37:49 > 0:37:53I would like to do them because singing really is the only thing
0:37:53 > 0:37:56I do that I just get like relief from it.
0:37:56 > 0:38:00I'm able to control and produce... Ha! ..produce a sound
0:38:00 > 0:38:04rather than sort of like something else like being in control
0:38:04 > 0:38:06and doing random things as well.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08Whore, wankers! Titty fucks!
0:38:10 > 0:38:13Every morning, Ruth commutes across London,
0:38:13 > 0:38:16as two years ago she got a job at a centre for autistic adults.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22Commuting is a stressful time for Ruth.
0:38:22 > 0:38:27Her Tourette's compels her to fill the silence of the journey.
0:38:27 > 0:38:32Paper wanker, train wanker, bus wanker.
0:38:35 > 0:38:36This is the awkward bit,
0:38:36 > 0:38:39when the train goes by and you're swearing in the window.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42And it's like you're trying to quickly like saying,
0:38:42 > 0:38:46"No, no, no, honestly, you're a lovely person, I'm sure.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48"Didn't mean to."
0:38:48 > 0:38:49Bus wankers.
0:38:49 > 0:38:53That's another one, as well, when you're you like on the bus,
0:38:53 > 0:38:55it pulls up at a stop.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57I always dread that cos you start again and then
0:38:57 > 0:39:00you always get looked at.
0:39:01 > 0:39:06"No, I didn't mean to, I'm sure you're a lovely person again but..."
0:39:06 > 0:39:10And when I'm driving... it's not funny but it is.
0:39:15 > 0:39:19Biscuit! Crackers! Custard creams! Bourbons!
0:39:19 > 0:39:22Rich Tea! Lesbians!
0:39:24 > 0:39:27Bus wanker! Train wanker!
0:39:30 > 0:39:34Yellow cunt, blue cunt, green cunt, red cunt, green cunt, white cunt.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40Beige wanker!
0:39:47 > 0:39:50What about this one? You've still got a bit of sticky glue there.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54We're going to paint this.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Now we'll go for the shoulder.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03Having spent a couple months with Ruth, I'm beginning to understand
0:40:03 > 0:40:05the nature of her Tourette's.
0:40:05 > 0:40:09At times, she seems totally consumed by the condition.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12Whilst at other times, she's able to suppress her tics,
0:40:12 > 0:40:16especially in front of her students and colleague Panos.
0:40:16 > 0:40:21She may have the occasional hand twitch,
0:40:21 > 0:40:24but in terms of the vocal tics, there are none.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27Maybe towards the end of the day, there's a bit of breathing
0:40:27 > 0:40:30and "Huh!" But not once has she sworn,
0:40:30 > 0:40:33not once has she said anything offensive
0:40:33 > 0:40:35while working with clients.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38And I just think that that's absolutely incredible,
0:40:38 > 0:40:40but you can see it takes its toll.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42Do you guys want to stroke the parrot?
0:40:42 > 0:40:43No!
0:40:43 > 0:40:45RUTH LAUGHS
0:40:45 > 0:40:47Perfect.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50'The easiest way to describe it'
0:40:50 > 0:40:52is tensing up your muscles all day
0:40:52 > 0:40:56and your shoulders and your legs, everything completely... Huh!
0:40:56 > 0:40:59Completely tense, but it's not just that.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02Inside of you is completely tense. Your mind is as well
0:41:02 > 0:41:05because you're worried that you might let it slip.
0:41:05 > 0:41:09OK. Just a little bit more here.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13I'm liking this, Karen. You're doing a very good job.
0:41:15 > 0:41:19I can do it, but it's just... it's so strenuous, you know?
0:41:24 > 0:41:29'It's something that you're constantly aware of.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31'You constantly have be
0:41:31 > 0:41:34'maybe on your guard about it.'
0:41:36 > 0:41:39- I like you, Ruth.- Like you too, Tone. High five?
0:41:41 > 0:41:43SHE SINGS ALONG TO MUSIC
0:41:48 > 0:41:51Despite the obvious difficulties,
0:41:51 > 0:41:54work has become a crucial part of Ruth's life.
0:41:54 > 0:41:59'It's been such an eye-opener, working at St Marks.'
0:41:59 > 0:42:02I've learnt empathy, really. A bit more empathy.
0:42:04 > 0:42:07And that is OK to rely on people.
0:42:07 > 0:42:10I've just got to practise that a bit more.
0:42:11 > 0:42:15Be a bit more open to that.
0:42:15 > 0:42:19In less than a week, Ruth will sing at an open mic night,
0:42:19 > 0:42:23putting herself and all her tics in front of a crowded room of people
0:42:23 > 0:42:25she's never met before,
0:42:25 > 0:42:28who know nothing about her or her condition.
0:42:28 > 0:42:32'I wish I would allow myself to make mistakes
0:42:32 > 0:42:35'and that's where you experience new things.'
0:42:37 > 0:42:40I think sometimes I'm a bit afraid to step out of my comfort zone
0:42:40 > 0:42:44and try new things and make mistakes.
0:42:48 > 0:42:52I'm just so afraid, I suppose, of that.
0:42:52 > 0:42:55Hearing voices saying, "I told you so."
0:43:12 > 0:43:14SHE SINGS
0:43:14 > 0:43:16It could work like that, actually.
0:43:16 > 0:43:19Just you improvising over the top of it.
0:43:22 > 0:43:24SHE SINGS
0:43:35 > 0:43:39- Oh, that's it.- I've got it.
0:43:56 > 0:43:59HE PLAYS GUITAR SLOWLY
0:43:59 > 0:44:01Ooh.
0:44:04 > 0:44:05Nice extensions.
0:44:12 > 0:44:14Lovely.
0:44:14 > 0:44:17# Let me tell you a little story
0:44:17 > 0:44:22# About the way things made me feel
0:44:22 > 0:44:25# From the rising of the sun
0:44:25 > 0:44:29# To the moon that is so high
0:44:29 > 0:44:33# And to all the little in betweens
0:44:33 > 0:44:37# That make me feel so scared
0:44:37 > 0:44:41# The moon and all its phases
0:44:41 > 0:44:45# Never faze me at all... #
0:44:45 > 0:44:48'I'm feeling very exhausted and I'm feeling very ticcy,'
0:44:48 > 0:44:51but when I just sing, I just find
0:44:51 > 0:44:53I get this new sense of energy
0:44:53 > 0:44:57and I want to do more and I can do more.
0:44:57 > 0:45:01And the time flies and...
0:45:03 > 0:45:05And no-one else is there.
0:45:09 > 0:45:11I just really enjoy it.
0:45:18 > 0:45:23# My heart is sad and lonely... #
0:45:23 > 0:45:27'I trust my voice now and trust myself,'
0:45:27 > 0:45:31whereas before I didn't. I think I was just so apprehensive of...
0:45:31 > 0:45:33Of what my voice could do
0:45:33 > 0:45:37or what people's reaction would be to me.
0:45:41 > 0:45:48# I'm over you, body and so-o-oul
0:45:48 > 0:45:51# I spend my days... #
0:45:51 > 0:45:55'When I sing, it all makes sense. I can understand anything.'
0:45:57 > 0:45:59I can command
0:45:59 > 0:46:02how I want things to go, how I want the guitar to go,
0:46:02 > 0:46:05what happens next.
0:46:05 > 0:46:07That's why I was going like that,
0:46:07 > 0:46:11signalling at end of the song to just keep going.
0:46:11 > 0:46:15I can do it with my voice and make a room stop, or make a guitar stop,
0:46:15 > 0:46:18or I can make it all happen.
0:46:18 > 0:46:21But with the Tourette's, I can't.
0:46:22 > 0:46:24Never mind.
0:46:26 > 0:46:34# I'm over you, body and soul
0:46:34 > 0:46:38# Ooh. #
0:46:40 > 0:46:42Pritt Stick!
0:46:42 > 0:46:46That's a mood killer, isn't it? Pritt Stick!
0:46:58 > 0:47:00In the few months since I first met Ruth,
0:47:00 > 0:47:02I've watched her confidence grow.
0:47:02 > 0:47:04Have you ever been on one of these?
0:47:04 > 0:47:07But some of the things we all take for granted
0:47:07 > 0:47:10remain far from straightforward,
0:47:10 > 0:47:12and she often needs the support of her mates.
0:47:12 > 0:47:15I noticed a few months ago, as soon as I walked into the shop
0:47:15 > 0:47:19the first thing I shouted out was, "I'm stealing!"
0:47:19 > 0:47:21And it's just stuck.
0:47:21 > 0:47:23Ah!
0:47:23 > 0:47:25I'm stealing!
0:47:25 > 0:47:28It goes everywhere else with me, but in particular
0:47:28 > 0:47:31it always seems to refer back to whenever I enter a shop
0:47:31 > 0:47:34I'm stealing!
0:47:36 > 0:47:38That's spiffing, with the little...
0:47:38 > 0:47:40SHE SINGS
0:47:41 > 0:47:44I think for most people, appearance is important.
0:47:44 > 0:47:46Ooh, I like this.
0:47:46 > 0:47:49'When you've got Tourette's, you have susceptibility'
0:47:49 > 0:47:52to always look a bit like a mad woman.
0:47:52 > 0:47:54Maybe I make a bit more of an effort.
0:47:54 > 0:47:57I wouldn't walk around in jogging bottoms, that's for sure.
0:47:57 > 0:48:02'I do like to dress up anyway. It's fun.
0:48:02 > 0:48:05'I like being at home, putting music on and trying on outfits'
0:48:05 > 0:48:09and combinations and stuff, even when I'm not going anywhere.
0:48:09 > 0:48:11It doesn't necessarily mean I'll wear it like that.
0:48:11 > 0:48:14Wicked, wanker!
0:48:14 > 0:48:16- Thank you. - Thank you very much.
0:48:16 > 0:48:18Fuck off!
0:48:21 > 0:48:22Ah!
0:48:26 > 0:48:31Engaged! Available!
0:48:31 > 0:48:33Engaged! Full of shit!
0:48:33 > 0:48:35SHE LAUGHS
0:48:38 > 0:48:42Does this one actually light up?
0:48:42 > 0:48:45I'm stealing!
0:48:45 > 0:48:46What about that?
0:48:46 > 0:48:50Ah, it goes right over your head.
0:48:50 > 0:48:55After a while of being around Ruth, you almost stop noticing her tics...
0:48:55 > 0:48:57Can I pay with a card?
0:48:59 > 0:49:01Gobshite!
0:49:01 > 0:49:04..even if she still does have a problem with pin numbers.
0:49:04 > 0:49:07Nine! Eight!
0:49:13 > 0:49:16In the week leading up to the open mic night,
0:49:16 > 0:49:19Ruth is tired and tense. I'm worried she's taken too much on.
0:49:19 > 0:49:23'I care so much, it really hurts. I care so much that I don't'
0:49:23 > 0:49:25talk about it with people.
0:49:25 > 0:49:29I'm bothered a lot of the times.
0:49:29 > 0:49:31I care, I'm bothered that people
0:49:31 > 0:49:33never see anything past the Tourette's.
0:49:33 > 0:49:37I do care. I really do care.
0:49:37 > 0:49:41Lord knows how much I try, because I do care.
0:49:44 > 0:49:47'I probably have to try a hell of a lot more than other people do'
0:49:47 > 0:49:50because of my condition. Am I not bothered?
0:49:50 > 0:49:53That bothers me, people saying that,
0:49:53 > 0:49:57because try too hard and I don't think people give me enough credit.
0:49:57 > 0:50:01for the fact that I do try and I've had to come over so much
0:50:01 > 0:50:03to be able to try. So yes, I do care.
0:50:21 > 0:50:23It's the night of Ruth's performance
0:50:23 > 0:50:27and the local talent is out in force.
0:50:27 > 0:50:28# I'm hanging up on you
0:50:28 > 0:50:31# Cos I've had enough of you... #
0:50:34 > 0:50:38# Baa baa black sheep - have you any wool? #
0:50:40 > 0:50:42# You're all going to die soon
0:50:42 > 0:50:44# You're all going to die soon... #
0:50:44 > 0:50:47Petrol bomb.
0:50:47 > 0:50:49SINGING
0:50:50 > 0:50:55It'll be the first time Ruth has performed to a room full of strangers since she was diagnosed.
0:50:55 > 0:50:59APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:50:59 > 0:51:01Her nerves are getting the better of her.
0:51:04 > 0:51:06Hmm. Petrol bomb.
0:51:06 > 0:51:08Do you tic more when you're nervous?
0:51:08 > 0:51:12Eh, you know what, I do think I tic more when I'm nervous.
0:51:12 > 0:51:13I'm beginning to notice that.
0:51:13 > 0:51:17Before I would say that I tic regardless, which in a way I do,
0:51:17 > 0:51:21but I think maybe when I'm nervous then I maybe go into overdrive.
0:51:22 > 0:51:24Petrol bomb.
0:51:26 > 0:51:27How long till you go on?
0:51:27 > 0:51:29Erm...
0:51:32 > 0:51:36I think I've got two and a half hours until I go on.
0:51:36 > 0:51:38# ..Ha-ha-ah. #
0:51:38 > 0:51:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:51:48 > 0:51:50I'm worried about ticcing.
0:51:50 > 0:51:51Haaaa...
0:51:51 > 0:51:56It getting in the way, people being distracted by, ah...
0:51:56 > 0:52:02I don't think everyone as they get ready for a gig or go out is prepared to see someone with Tourette's,
0:52:02 > 0:52:05but I kind of want to make them feel like that,
0:52:05 > 0:52:09not that everything's a possibility but just that we exist.
0:52:11 > 0:52:14- Give me some "Ooooh!"- CROWD: Oooh!
0:52:14 > 0:52:16Keep it going. Keep it going. Oooh!
0:52:16 > 0:52:20Ladies and gentlemen, keep it going. Come on, come on.
0:52:20 > 0:52:22CROWD: Ooh!
0:52:22 > 0:52:25On stage now for her debut performance here... Come on, "Oooh!"
0:52:25 > 0:52:30..at The Stag's Head open mic, will you please welcome, Ruth Ojadi!
0:52:30 > 0:52:33CHEERING
0:52:41 > 0:52:43Petrol bomb!
0:52:43 > 0:52:47It's been an agonising wait, but the time has come.
0:52:47 > 0:52:50Hi, everyone, ah, my name's Ruth as you just heard,
0:52:50 > 0:52:54so I'm going to sing a few songs, em, yeah...
0:52:54 > 0:52:57this is the first time I've done this, so be very nice, please.
0:52:57 > 0:52:59LAUGHTER
0:53:05 > 0:53:08# Let me tell you a little story
0:53:08 > 0:53:12# About the way things make me feel
0:53:12 > 0:53:16# From the rising of the sun
0:53:16 > 0:53:21# To the moon at its full height
0:53:21 > 0:53:23# And to all
0:53:23 > 0:53:26# The little in-betweens... #
0:53:26 > 0:53:33If I'd tried to do this two years ago, I wouldn't have given it...
0:53:33 > 0:53:35Hrr. ..as much performance,
0:53:35 > 0:53:39effort or energy as I do now. I wouldn't have seen it through.
0:53:39 > 0:53:42It would've been a wasted opportunity.
0:53:42 > 0:53:48I wouldn't have appreciated my voice or thought that my voice could do
0:53:48 > 0:53:52the things that it does do...
0:53:52 > 0:53:55SHE SINGS
0:53:55 > 0:53:57It's the only respite I get, erm...
0:54:00 > 0:54:06And I'm truly grateful for that because not many people with Tourette's can have that.
0:54:12 > 0:54:17# In many ways they'll miss the good old days
0:54:17 > 0:54:19# Someday, someday
0:54:19 > 0:54:23# It hurts to say that I want you to stay
0:54:23 > 0:54:26# Someday, someday
0:54:26 > 0:54:30# If you're down
0:54:30 > 0:54:34# Someday, somehow... #
0:54:34 > 0:54:37Ha! And as you walk through the door and...
0:54:37 > 0:54:41I don't have Tourette's for however long I'm up there for.
0:54:41 > 0:54:43SHE SINGS
0:54:47 > 0:54:50Haa! Maybe at the beginning of it as I speak,
0:54:50 > 0:54:53and definitely as I walk off or hobble off,
0:54:53 > 0:54:55but, hey, what the heck.
0:54:55 > 0:55:00That's not a singer with Tourette's who doesn't tic, that's just a singer.
0:55:00 > 0:55:04I suppose so, yeah, I am a singer,
0:55:04 > 0:55:09but then everyone always knows, do you know what I mean?
0:55:09 > 0:55:13I'm a singer with Tourette's who doesn't tic.
0:55:13 > 0:55:16So do keep a look out for a singer by the name of Ruth Ojadi.
0:55:16 > 0:55:20Because trust me, you'll be hearing from her.
0:55:20 > 0:55:23Hi, sexy!
0:55:23 > 0:55:27# ..And fears sometimes, they come to me in threes
0:55:27 > 0:55:30# Somehow, sometimes
0:55:30 > 0:55:33# Say fear, my friend
0:55:33 > 0:55:35# You'll say the strangest things
0:55:35 > 0:55:38# I find sometimes...
0:55:38 > 0:55:42# Oh, my ex says I'm lacking in depth
0:55:42 > 0:55:45# Say I will do my best
0:55:45 > 0:55:47# You say you want to stay by my side
0:55:49 > 0:55:52# Darling, your head's not right
0:55:52 > 0:55:56# See, alone we stand Together we fall apart, yeah
0:55:56 > 0:55:59# I think I'll do just fine
0:55:59 > 0:56:03# I'm working so I won't have to try too hard
0:56:03 > 0:56:07# Tables they turn sometimes
0:56:07 > 0:56:09# Oh, sometimes...
0:56:13 > 0:56:16# I ain't wasting no more time. #
0:56:16 > 0:56:19CHEERING
0:56:23 > 0:56:24Hello!
0:56:46 > 0:56:49Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:56:49 > 0:56:52E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk