0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting
0:00:07 > 0:00:09The war in Afghanistan has been raging since 2001.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13Wave after wave of young men and women have been through its horrors.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Any casualties? Any casualties?
0:00:15 > 0:00:20For one platoon, catastrophe struck on 10th July 2009.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24Nearly half of them would be injured or killed.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26It remains the bloodiest day for a British foot patrol
0:00:26 > 0:00:29in the history of the campaign.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34This film is about four men who survived that patrol
0:00:34 > 0:00:37but are still trying to get over the mental scars.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Alex Horsfall was the boss of the platoon.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45He lost a leg in the attack but today he's more worried about
0:00:45 > 0:00:47whether his men can recover from their mental injuries.
0:00:47 > 0:00:52'Post-traumatic stress does arise from a tour in Afghanistan.'
0:00:52 > 0:00:54It's a horrible disease, really.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Peter Sherlock, known as Sherly,
0:00:57 > 0:01:00is haunted by the terrifying memories of what he saw on that day.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04And in these nightmares it's exactly the same as it was
0:01:04 > 0:01:07when we were out there, so...pretty scary.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Matthew Ramdeen was on the patrol
0:01:11 > 0:01:13and thought he'd got through unscathed.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17But for a time, his mother could see he was in trouble.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19I'm in tears. Every day I'm in tears,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21every day I'm waking up, going to work,
0:01:21 > 0:01:25thinking, "Has he walked out into the street and killed someone?"
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Kevin Holt, known as Holty, can't forget the carnage of the ambush,
0:01:30 > 0:01:34and has been living with the consequences ever since.
0:01:34 > 0:01:40'I had mood swings. Anger, anger problems. I smashed up my room.'
0:01:40 > 0:01:45Smashed my TV up, everything.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47And I don't even know why.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50For one of their friends, the memories of that day proved
0:01:50 > 0:01:54impossible to live with and he took his own life.
0:01:54 > 0:02:00The nightmares, the flashbacks, the memories, the loss,
0:02:00 > 0:02:05it was too much in the end for him to cope with.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10I suppose he saw it as his...the only way to get peace.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12It's three years now since these young men
0:02:12 > 0:02:17returned from Afghanistan, and yet the terrors still torment them.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Over the course of a summer, we'll follow them to see
0:02:19 > 0:02:23if they can win the battles they still fight.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37It's the third anniversary of that fateful patrol
0:02:37 > 0:02:38when five men were killed.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46'Today's the 10th July,'
0:02:48 > 0:02:50'which officially makes it third year anniversary
0:02:50 > 0:02:52'of when we all got blown up.'
0:02:57 > 0:03:03'I've decided to go up and see the National Memorial Arboretum in Staffordshire.'
0:03:05 > 0:03:11Alex is an Old Etonian and after uni joined the infantry as an officer.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14He now lives by himself in central London,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17but on 10th July 2009, he was in charge
0:03:17 > 0:03:21of the patrol that was ambushed. It's a date etched on his memory.
0:03:22 > 0:03:27'It's a date that you actually remember more than your birthday.'
0:03:27 > 0:03:31- TANNOY:- Stoke on Trent, Stockport and Manchester Piccadilly.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35'It's sort of three years, "Hey, I'm alive,"
0:03:35 > 0:03:39'and at the same time it does come along with the deaths
0:03:39 > 0:03:41'of five guys in the platoon.'
0:04:04 > 0:04:06LAUGHTER ON VIDEO
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Down here in the middle,
0:04:14 > 0:04:17you've got the names of the five from 9 Platoon. William Aldridge,
0:04:17 > 0:04:22James Backhouse, J Horne, Joe Murphy, Danny Simpson.
0:04:25 > 0:04:30What's quite nice to see as well is the flowers there,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32all dedicated to the five.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I was very, very close to getting my name written up on this wall
0:04:44 > 0:04:48but I had several riflemen looking after me.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53That's why I think you sort of come here to also say thank you.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Because they did a bloody good job
0:04:56 > 0:04:59and it is thanks to them that I'm still here.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Alex still feels responsible for the men who died that day,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11and for those who survived the horror.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15He's made it his mission to get them all back together for a reunion.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20There have definitely been a few cases of things
0:05:20 > 0:05:23like post-traumatic stress and...
0:05:23 > 0:05:27so there's definitely issues and, I suppose,
0:05:27 > 0:05:31getting everyone together is maybe quite a good, soothing way
0:05:31 > 0:05:34to sort of deal with things like post-traumatic stress,
0:05:34 > 0:05:36being able to sort of talk amongst your friends
0:05:36 > 0:05:39who were there, who know what you're talking about.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51One of the lads Alex would like to get along to the reunion is Peter Sherlock.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Peter came back from Afghanistan haunted by the terrors,
0:05:55 > 0:05:59and had to leave the army in 2011 to escape the constant reminders.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Since then, he's relied on drink to drown out the bad memories.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09- Can I please have a pint of Fosters and a...- Kronenbourg, please. - ..Kronenbourg ?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- Want one, Pete? - A Newcastle Brown Ale, please.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14And a Newkie, please.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Peter has a young daughter, Hope, but he's no longer living with
0:06:17 > 0:06:21her mother and he doesn't see his daughter as often as he would like.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26He's moved back with his parents near Salisbury,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29and they're trying to do what they can for him.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34You really only drink out of boredom, then?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Is that what you're saying?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38If I go out when I am down, like really down,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41then I come back in a right state.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45I won't... I wouldn't be able to walk or talk properly.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48All he wanted to do was drink, really, when he came home,
0:06:48 > 0:06:53really sad. And I asked him about it, why he was doing it
0:06:53 > 0:06:56and he said, "Well, for a few minutes,
0:06:56 > 0:07:00"for a short time I can forget and life's normal".
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Another survivor Alex wants to get along to the reunion is
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Matthew Ramdeen.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16He left the army six months after the tour but found he was still
0:07:16 > 0:07:20living with the fear of improvised explosive devices or IEDs.
0:07:22 > 0:07:28It was difficult to adjust to civilian life as it was before.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Walking down the street,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33you think, "Am I going to set of an IED with every step I take?"
0:07:37 > 0:07:41He moved back to live with his mum, Jo, in west London.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Paranoid when he came home. Things like shutting the windows,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48making sure things were locked then look out the window just to
0:07:48 > 0:07:51make sure we weren't being followed.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Walking over a drain that made a noise, you know, that would set you off.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59You hear a loud bang, you jump and you think, "What just happened?"
0:08:03 > 0:08:06The member of the platoon who's going to be hardest to
0:08:06 > 0:08:09get along to the reunion is Kevin Holt, or Holty.
0:08:12 > 0:08:18After the tour, Holty was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23He left the army in January 2011 to try and escape his demons.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25His moods are still very up and down.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Kevin is living with his sister, Jess,
0:08:28 > 0:08:32and that means he gets to catch up with her fiance, Brendan,
0:08:32 > 0:08:34who's an old friend from the same platoon.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40'I had mood swings, anger,'
0:08:40 > 0:08:46anger problems. One stage, I smashed up my room
0:08:46 > 0:08:52in the block back in Ballykinler.
0:08:52 > 0:08:59I smashed my TV up, everything...and I don't even know why.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03- Out of anger? - Yeah. I still have dreams.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Obviously, I still get flashbacks and that.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07To be honest with you, I ain't really been able to sleep.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19For the men involved, life changed for ever on that awful day.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Two months before, Alex and his men
0:09:21 > 0:09:26from 9 Platoon, C Company, 2 Rifles had been posted to one of the most
0:09:26 > 0:09:29dangerous places for British troops in Helmand province.
0:09:36 > 0:09:43This is my old Wishtan patrol map of the area we were operating in.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Their base, Wishtan, was set in the hostile town of Sangin.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50One of Alex's right hand men was Rehan Pasha,
0:09:50 > 0:09:52or Pash to his friends.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57This is Pash. He's to square Scotty away in all situations.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58As well as working in a school,
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Pash is in the territorial army, and in the spring of 2009 he'd
0:10:02 > 0:10:06volunteered to do a tour of duty with 9 platoon as a Lance Corporal.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09CAMERAMAN: Wahey. HE CHUCKLES
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Their mission was to try and bring security to the area, and that
0:10:15 > 0:10:19involved them patrolling the maze of alleyways around the base.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22We're pretty much all kitted out, we've got all our stuff on
0:10:22 > 0:10:25and we're just going to go over to the loading bay.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Their first month in the area was relatively quiet.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34But as the days passed, they started to find
0:10:34 > 0:10:36an increasing number of IEDs.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Ten seconds.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42EXPLOSION
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- That's a personnel mine. - Whoo hoo hoo!
0:10:47 > 0:10:52Wishtan's always been considered as the one place on earth where
0:10:52 > 0:10:55there's no lack of IEDs, shall we say?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58During our time there, that only sort of increased.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04This footage was shot a few weeks before the terrible ambush.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08When they went out on patrol on 10th July, nobody was filming.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11For some of the men the events of that day
0:11:11 > 0:11:13are still too traumatic to describe.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16But their leaders are prepared to relive what happened.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19We started off in a Wishtan here.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21They came out this little exit here.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24They patrolled down the Wishtan bazaar.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Alex was leading the patrol.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Pash was with the reserve force watching on.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34We'd go one way, we'd find an IED, so we'd be slightly pushed,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36slightly channelled.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41Came out towards a clearing at the end of the Wishtan bazaar here.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45And basically ended up just about here against this low wall
0:11:45 > 0:11:47overlooking the entire valley.
0:11:47 > 0:11:52And that's where the first IED blasts went off.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55SERIES OF EXPLOSIONS
0:12:04 > 0:12:08The explosion was not just one bomb, but a daisy-chain of them.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10It ripped through a section of men in the patrol,
0:12:10 > 0:12:14and 18-year-old Rifleman James Backhouse was killed outright.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Alex was also caught by a blast.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23His leg was blown off and most of a hand.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Five other men around him were also injured.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Alex's memory of the day stops at the explosion.
0:12:33 > 0:12:39Sergeant Moncho came in sort of took over the platoon and I was
0:12:39 > 0:12:45well out of it at this point, called for the quick reaction force.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Pash and the reserve force were scrambled,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53and they poured out of the base to help their stricken colleagues.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55When he got to the scene of carnage,
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Pash can remember going over to Holty.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Holty had been a close friend of James Backhouse
0:13:00 > 0:13:02who'd just been killed.
0:13:02 > 0:13:08I approached Holty and said, "Mate, you've got to go grab your stretcher."
0:13:08 > 0:13:11And I couldn't understand what he was saying to me,
0:13:11 > 0:13:15so I shook him and I looked round at him and at first I thought
0:13:15 > 0:13:18he was laughing hysterically, it just looked like that and sounded
0:13:18 > 0:13:21like that, but he was actually in complete tears just sobbing.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Holty and Back-eye had been really, really close friends
0:13:25 > 0:13:30and it had obviously just shaken Holty.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Despite what he'd just witnessed,
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Holty continued clearing routes with his metal detector.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39For his bravery, he would be mentioned in despatches.
0:13:44 > 0:13:51Other people in the platoon deserve it more than me
0:13:51 > 0:13:53or...if not everyone.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Everyone should have got one.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Holty's other friend, Brendan, was lying on the ground with
0:14:03 > 0:14:06terrible injuries to his legs and arms.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Surgeons would later fight to save his limbs.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13They'd had to take tendons as well from in this arm to replace
0:14:13 > 0:14:17onto the back of this hand. That's pretty much cut up different parts
0:14:17 > 0:14:20of all the body they've had to put in for the arm to save that.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22But the legs, which looked initially the worse,
0:14:22 > 0:14:24they had to open all this.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27There's all part of the inside of my leg there,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30they had to bring round to fill in the back where it was all missing.
0:14:30 > 0:14:35The soldiers had to get their injured colleagues back to base as quickly as possible.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38They were now being fired on from several positions.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Pash turned his attention to his injured boss.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46The most severely wounded at that stage was Lieutenant Horsfall
0:14:46 > 0:14:50and so it was a matter of manhandling Alex Horsfall
0:14:50 > 0:14:53onto the quad bike.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59They raced with Alex back to the base.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03He was just spasming really and he was using his stump,
0:15:03 > 0:15:05he was trying to push himself off the trailer.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Just to keep him on the trailer, I had to lie on top of him.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Behind them, the walking wounded were gathered into a group.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19But as they set off, another daisy-chain of IEDs exploded.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25SERIES OF EXPLOSIONS
0:15:31 > 0:15:34There was a lot of dust, you couldn't see anything,
0:15:34 > 0:15:37couldn't hear anything either, really, much.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Three men were killed instantly.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Corporal Jonathan Horne,
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Rifleman Joseph Murphy
0:15:50 > 0:15:53and Rifleman Daniel Simpson.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Rifleman William Aldridge was severely injured
0:15:55 > 0:15:57and died later at Camp Bastion.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01The blasts narrowly missed Matthew Ramdeen
0:16:01 > 0:16:03who saw the immediate aftermath.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08I suppose we don't feel comfortable talking about it,
0:16:08 > 0:16:11because you can take yourself back there very quickly.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14it's something you don't want to do
0:16:14 > 0:16:17and it's a constant battle to forget it.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Meanwhile, Peter Sherlock was back in the base.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25He'd come down with heatstroke the day before
0:16:25 > 0:16:28and so he'd not been allowed out on the patrol.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32But he saw his dead and injured friends brought back in.
0:16:32 > 0:16:37He'd been especially close to one of those killed, Daniel Simpson.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41I've got a memorial tattoo on my back.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I've got Simpson's name in the middle
0:16:44 > 0:16:48and the other lads' names. It's like living memorial for them.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00Those with injuries were flown to Camp Bastion for further treatment.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Because he was in such a bad way,
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Alex was then flown back to Selly Oak Hospital in Birmingham.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09The others remained at the base, and later that day,
0:17:09 > 0:17:13the terrible events they'd witnessed started to hit them.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18It was starting to sink in, really. What had gone on
0:17:18 > 0:17:21and people started to breaking down about it, really.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22getting upset about it.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27'You would find the guys throughout the night, you'd hear sobbing.'
0:17:35 > 0:17:38That was one day in July, but the men's tour didn't end there.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Their patrols continued with the threat of IEDs until they left
0:17:43 > 0:17:48in October. 2009 remains the bloodiest year for British troops
0:17:48 > 0:17:53in Afghanistan with 108 fatalities and over 500 wounded in action.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Three years on, and after months in hospital, Alex has
0:18:06 > 0:18:08completed an army rehabilitation programme.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13He's now able to lead an independent life
0:18:13 > 0:18:16with the help of a prosthetic leg and hand.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23I like my cricket. I used to play a lot at school.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I was a great wicket keeper. I was quite nifty with the gloves, I think.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27- CAMERAMAN:- That was out.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33This is where I keep my prosthetic legs.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37This is a great old leg that they give you at Headley Court.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39It's called the Sea Leg.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Despite horrific physical injuries,
0:18:43 > 0:18:47he doesn't seem to suffer from mental trauma.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51When I left the army, I left in January 2012,
0:18:51 > 0:18:55I've managed to keep working for the Ministry of Defence.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58And life's pretty much back to normal.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02The human body's got a wonderful knack of telling you
0:19:02 > 0:19:06to sort of get a grip and telling you to move on.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09But Alex knows that others from his platoon haven't been able
0:19:09 > 0:19:11to get on with their lives so easily and he hopes
0:19:11 > 0:19:15a reunion in eight weeks' time could provide them with some support.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22What I'm trying to do at the moment, is just make sure I've
0:19:22 > 0:19:26got everyone's contacts from the platoon.
0:19:27 > 0:19:32This was a platoon T-shirt. It's got everyone, everyone there.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33It tells you a story.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36It reminds you of a lot of stories.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Post-traumatic stress, it's a horrible disease, really.
0:19:46 > 0:19:52And I think by having a little reunion
0:19:52 > 0:19:55can be quite a good remedy, just to talk amongst yourselves
0:19:55 > 0:19:57about any problems that you've got.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Alex wants to prevent any more of his men reaching
0:20:01 > 0:20:05the point of despair, experienced by another member of the platoon,
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Rifleman Allan Arnold.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Allan had not been out on the patrol the day his five friends were killed
0:20:12 > 0:20:14but he saw them brought back in.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22He'd spent his teenage years in Cirencester,
0:20:22 > 0:20:26and fulfilled his dream of joining the army at the age of 17.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28As he passed through the Catterick's training centre,
0:20:28 > 0:20:31he was moulded into a soldier.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34His mother, Nickie, was proud of what her son had achieved.
0:20:36 > 0:20:43He had ADD, which is Attention Deficit Disorder.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44He was also severely dyslexic.
0:20:45 > 0:20:52So, you know, for him to do what he did, to be able to get in, yeah.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54He did it.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56A lot of people said he wouldn't, but he did.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07After Catterick, Allan joined Alex's Platoon.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10During the spring of 2009, with the rest of his friends,
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Allan was sent to Wishtan in Sangin.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17That was taken in Afghanistan.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19He just looks so happy in that photo,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23you know, before everything happened.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27It's one of my favourites, cos he does look so happy
0:21:27 > 0:21:29and so young.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Then came the day the five men were killed, including his close friend,
0:21:39 > 0:21:42William Aldridge, or Baby, as he was known.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Allan called his mum from the base shortly afterwards.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54He informed me that his closest friend had died.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Was gone.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06He just said that the Baby had gone.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13That he'd been killed.
0:22:21 > 0:22:30He was crying that he'd lost his friends
0:22:30 > 0:22:36and so many, in one go,
0:22:36 > 0:22:43and there was nothing that I could do to make it easier for him.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48I couldn't cuddle him.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50I would just listen.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09Like the others in the platoon, Allan's mental health after
0:23:09 > 0:23:12the incident was monitored by his senior officers,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15and he was given the chance to talk through what happened.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Once back in the UK, he had some counselling through the army,
0:23:20 > 0:23:26but Nickie remembers the telephone calls he made to her from barracks.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30The majority of the phone calls that I would receive
0:23:30 > 0:23:32would be three, four o'clock in the morning.
0:23:33 > 0:23:38Um, he was usually absolutely wasted.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43You'd say, "Why aren't you asleep?"
0:23:43 > 0:23:45"It's three in the morning, go to sleep."
0:23:45 > 0:23:50And it was, "I can't, I can't sleep."
0:23:50 > 0:23:53He didn't want to sleep because of the nightmares.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57He would tell you in phone calls of hearing the lads
0:23:57 > 0:24:05crying out in the night, screaming in their sleep,
0:24:05 > 0:24:08obviously, having nightmares like he had.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17During his Easter leave from barracks in 2011,
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Allan stayed with his sister, Abbie, at her flat in Cirencester.
0:24:23 > 0:24:29I think he left mine anytime between about three and five,
0:24:29 > 0:24:31and he ended up here.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40On the 2nd May 2011, Rifleman Allan Arnold,
0:24:40 > 0:24:43at the age of 20, took his own life.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49At first, I didn't really want to believe it.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53I couldn't believe that my brother had taken his own life.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58In the weeks after, a lot of people used to come down here
0:24:58 > 0:25:04and place flowers on a nearby bench just to pay their respects.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Allan took his own life...
0:25:16 > 0:25:24because he felt that it was too hard to carry on...any more.
0:25:32 > 0:25:38The nightmares, the flashbacks, the memories, the loss...
0:25:38 > 0:25:46it was too much, in the end, for him to cope with.
0:25:54 > 0:25:59I suppose he saw it as his... the only way to get peace.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Allan's death came as a bitter blow for Alex, who had led
0:26:04 > 0:26:05the platoon on the day
0:26:05 > 0:26:09and still felt a responsibility towards his former colleagues.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13Very sadly, Rifleman Arnold took his own life.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17The last thing you want is for something like that to happen again.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20It's hugely demoralising especially sort of after the tour,
0:26:20 > 0:26:25once you're back, once you think you're safe.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Alex is fearful that others from the platoon might follow Allan's example.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32It's an anxiety shared by Lucy Aldridge.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Lucy is the mother of Allan's close friend, William, who
0:26:34 > 0:26:39was killed on the patrol less than two months after his 18th birthday.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Lucy feels William's friends have become part of the family.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47We stay in touch via Facebook,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50sometimes by telephone a couple of the guys on,
0:26:50 > 0:26:54on Mother's Day will give me a call and say, "Happy Mother's Day, Mum."
0:26:54 > 0:26:58As well as trying to cope with her own grief for the loss of her son,
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Lucy has to deal with some of his friends telling her
0:27:01 > 0:27:03they're on the edge.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08When you start getting messages from the lads that were serving in 9 Platoon
0:27:08 > 0:27:12and they are very specific...
0:27:12 > 0:27:18mentioning the fact that they wished they'd died in Afghan...
0:27:18 > 0:27:23and then they wouldn't be here dealing with what they're having to deal with now, the aftermath.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28That has a very, very deep impact on you.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38One of the lads who's been in contact with Lucy is Holty.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Yeah, you just do it online or something?
0:27:41 > 0:27:44It's now close to a month until the reunion and he's moved out
0:27:44 > 0:27:49of his sister's place to live by himself near to Doncaster.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52He's doing his best to hold down a manual job
0:27:52 > 0:27:55with a local company but he is still haunted by Helmand.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Maria works as an adviser in a drop-in centre round the corner
0:28:01 > 0:28:05from where he lives, and it was with her help that he got his job.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10Holty likes to call round from time to time for a chat.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13How much is that SIA licence?
0:28:15 > 0:28:19I think Kevin's pushing against his demons, his PTSD...
0:28:21 > 0:28:26missing the army life. I think there's a massive hole to fill
0:28:26 > 0:28:28once they do get home.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33It's taken time for Maria to win Holty's trust,
0:28:33 > 0:28:36and as she's got to know him, he's revealed more about what
0:28:36 > 0:28:38he saw on that terrible day in 2009.
0:28:41 > 0:28:47I just don't know how a person can carry on after what he's been through and he does...
0:28:47 > 0:28:50seeing your friends
0:28:50 > 0:28:53and colleagues just blown away like that.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59And for what for?
0:29:00 > 0:29:04Maria tries to help Holty get access to the services available to him.
0:29:04 > 0:29:08Responsibility for the mental health of veterans rests with the NHS,
0:29:08 > 0:29:13but charities also provide much-needed support.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16Combat Stress - the leading charity in the field - is in such
0:29:16 > 0:29:21demand that it handled 1,500 referrals in 2011,
0:29:21 > 0:29:25more than ever before. From initial contact to
0:29:25 > 0:29:29the start of treatment, it takes on average 12-16 weeks.
0:29:29 > 0:29:33Whilst she waits for Holty to fill out the paperwork for Combat Stress,
0:29:33 > 0:29:37Maria's got him treatment through his local GP.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40There is some help out there.
0:29:40 > 0:29:45I wouldn't have thought there was nearly enough and
0:29:45 > 0:29:48accessing the services can be difficult.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51Why put them through weeks of waiting lists
0:29:51 > 0:29:54when they've already been through so much?
0:29:54 > 0:29:58At the moment, Holty is receiving an hour of NHS counselling
0:29:58 > 0:30:00a week and he's on medication.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03But he doesn't think the counselling is working.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06Well, everything I've been to I feel it hasn't really helped.
0:30:06 > 0:30:11I don't really like talking about things. Maria's been a big help.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15'Worry about it? All the time.'
0:30:15 > 0:30:19Um, what they've been through and the memories that are never going to go away and they're
0:30:19 > 0:30:23going to have to battle with them for the rest of their life.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27After the Helmand tour,
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Matthew Ramdeen found it difficult to settle into civvie life
0:30:30 > 0:30:35because of his fear of attack, but over time that has begun to fade.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38He's looking forward to the reunion, now just a few weeks away.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44Everyone kind of went off and did their own thing for a period.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Hello, what's up?
0:30:46 > 0:30:48'We just need to stay in contact,'
0:30:48 > 0:30:53we should stick together, you know, talk to each other a lot more.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57What Matthew would most like to do is become a pilot.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00He's just finished his second year of engineering at college and he's
0:31:00 > 0:31:04come to Farnborough Airshow where he dreams of fulfilling his ambition.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14He thought the post traumatic stress was behind him,
0:31:14 > 0:31:20but out of the blue in the summer of 2011 - nearly two years after Afghanistan - it returned.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25He was back home in west London with his mother,
0:31:25 > 0:31:28Jo, and she saw up close his transformation.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32He was fine as in he was back in one piece,
0:31:32 > 0:31:35he wasn't missing a limb. There was no change...moods,
0:31:35 > 0:31:41there was no outbursts, there was no night sweats that I was aware of,
0:31:41 > 0:31:46there was no waking up screaming But obviously it was, it was there.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48Don't know, what can I say?
0:31:48 > 0:31:52It must have been always there.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54I guess I was trying to fight it myself, you know,
0:31:54 > 0:31:56try and deal with it myself.
0:31:56 > 0:32:01Unchecked, the PTSD threatened to get out of control.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04He suddenly turned into a very army person.
0:32:04 > 0:32:09Wanted to wear his greens the whole time and was saying to us
0:32:09 > 0:32:13"When you've seen your friends die then you'll understand how it feels."
0:32:13 > 0:32:17That's when the anger just came out of nowhere.
0:32:17 > 0:32:21Punched the doors, started fights with his brother, have a
0:32:21 > 0:32:26go at me like he's never done before, and that's when we said, "Jeez, you really need help."
0:32:26 > 0:32:28Very scary.
0:32:29 > 0:32:36When I first got back I guess I tried to deny it and, you know,
0:32:36 > 0:32:40just keep myself busy, keep my mind active, but as I gradually
0:32:40 > 0:32:49got less busier, um, I guess I started thinking about it more.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55Jo and the rest of the family bore the brunt of it.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58I'm in tears, every day I'm waking up, going to work,
0:32:58 > 0:33:00thinking what am I going to come back to?
0:33:00 > 0:33:02Has he killed his brother, has he walked out in the street
0:33:02 > 0:33:04and killed someone?
0:33:04 > 0:33:05Getting the help wasn't easy.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10I rang the Combat Stress line to get help. They said
0:33:10 > 0:33:14unless he does it himself they can't do anything, and that's when I rang
0:33:14 > 0:33:17our local mental health and they said he really needs some help.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19So they gave him anti-anxiety tablets
0:33:19 > 0:33:23and within a week of taking that he, he, he had changed.
0:33:23 > 0:33:28He stopped pacing, started to talk more, the temper, the anger,
0:33:28 > 0:33:31all went and they said that he definitely needs counselling
0:33:31 > 0:33:32to talk about it.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38Matthew's old regiment pulled some strings
0:33:38 > 0:33:42with Combat Stress to fast track him some counselling.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44And today life is returning to normal.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47He's off the treatment and the studies are going well.
0:33:49 > 0:33:55He relaxes by playing war games on his PS3.
0:33:55 > 0:34:00I feel better now. I feel like I'm getting somewhere now.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06One person Matthew expects to see in a few
0:34:06 > 0:34:09weeks at the reunion is his good friend Peter Sherlock.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13I think the idea of us all getting back together,
0:34:13 > 0:34:17the original 9 Platoon boys that were all out there, I just
0:34:17 > 0:34:19reckon it's gonna be amazing to be honest.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23Peter is trying to control the drinking
0:34:23 > 0:34:26and finds that sailing on the Solent provides much needed
0:34:26 > 0:34:29distraction from the horrors of Helmand.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32I go in my own little zone,
0:34:32 > 0:34:35I don't have to think about negative thoughts.
0:34:36 > 0:34:40Sailing also gives him the chance to sort out his priorities.
0:34:41 > 0:34:46Uh, I've got a beautiful baby girl and uh her name's Hope Liberty.
0:34:48 > 0:34:52She was conceived not long after I got back from Afghan and
0:34:52 > 0:34:57coming back from Afghan I decided that I like the name Hope.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59And then I saw a picture of the Statue of Liberty
0:34:59 > 0:35:03and it stands for like freedom and all of that.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06And, uh, Hope Liberty I thought had a nice ring to it.
0:35:06 > 0:35:10Peter and Hope's mother have split up and Hope lives with her,
0:35:10 > 0:35:14so he doesn't get to see his daughter as much as he would like.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16This is the most recent picture I've got of her.
0:35:16 > 0:35:20I like wondering what she's up to what she's doing, how she is,
0:35:20 > 0:35:22how much taller she is, what she's into.
0:35:22 > 0:35:26I'd love to teach her how to sail, that would be a dream.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29Spurred on by his love for his daughter he's slowly
0:35:29 > 0:35:31getting his life back on track.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33He is spending less time down the pub
0:35:33 > 0:35:37and he now lives in his nan's old house near Southampton.
0:35:38 > 0:35:42If you'll pour that in there now, Peter, we'll have one each.
0:35:42 > 0:35:46Together with his dad, Derek, he's doing it up with a view to selling it.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49The two of them work for a local company painting and decorating.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52Derek as a manger and Peter as an apprentice.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56We'll never know what they've gone through.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00He goes quiet, he's on Facebook He had a picture there the other day
0:36:00 > 0:36:04and I said "I haven't seen that one before Pete, who's that
0:36:04 > 0:36:07"and who's this?" I was in tears.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10He was like, "He's dead, he's committed suicide."
0:36:10 > 0:36:13We're blessed that he's home. It's the mental thing that bothers us,
0:36:13 > 0:36:16how is he going to cope with that?
0:36:18 > 0:36:20Thankfully we're here for him.
0:36:21 > 0:36:25Peter is coming to terms with his Helmand experience,
0:36:25 > 0:36:26but it is a constant struggle.
0:36:26 > 0:36:31He can't get a proper night's rest because his sleep is still haunted by nightmares.
0:36:33 > 0:36:39I had a couple while we were still in Afghan. To be honest, after
0:36:39 > 0:36:45the nasty days happened, I had a few then and really it started
0:36:45 > 0:36:48when we got back and it's not stopped.
0:36:52 > 0:36:56I ask him, "How are you sleeping? Are you still having nightmares?"
0:36:56 > 0:37:01And he just says, "Well I've had nightmares every night since,"
0:37:01 > 0:37:03you know and that's three years.
0:37:08 > 0:37:14We personally have encouraged him to get some professional help
0:37:14 > 0:37:16but he's quite a proud young man
0:37:16 > 0:37:19and he thinks he can cope with it on his own.
0:37:22 > 0:37:26You wake up with quite a jump and quite a fright in the,
0:37:26 > 0:37:30a bit of a sweat on sometimes, so sleeping,
0:37:30 > 0:37:32sleeping can be pretty rough, to be honest,
0:37:32 > 0:37:37but a lot of it in a way I feel I'm sort of lucky, cos it happens in
0:37:37 > 0:37:43my sleep more than when I'm awake, whereas for some of the lads I know
0:37:43 > 0:37:47they get it while they are awake as well as when they are asleep.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51Peter's nightmares at the moment are about his mates,
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Holty and Matthew Ramdeen.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58In my nightmare we were in Wishtan and we had gone out
0:37:58 > 0:38:01and we put the ladder up and Holty was first man over,
0:38:01 > 0:38:05but when he went down the ladder, he'd been blown up I've also had
0:38:05 > 0:38:12it with Ramdeen. So it's a... It's like re-living it. You think it's real.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29Back in London, with the reunion just three weeks away,
0:38:29 > 0:38:33Alex is trying to locate as many from the platoon as possible.
0:38:33 > 0:38:37Some people, I think, are on their sort of seventh phone since then.
0:38:37 > 0:38:42I'm still sort of trying to track down half of the platoon
0:38:42 > 0:38:44and figure out where they're all hiding.
0:38:44 > 0:38:50The venue is a Botanical Gardens in Edgbaston,
0:38:50 > 0:38:53just outside of Birmingham.
0:38:53 > 0:38:55He wants to make it more of a special occasion
0:38:55 > 0:38:57and has suggested black tie.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00From the guys I've spoken to, they're all sort of quite keen
0:39:00 > 0:39:04about the black tie option. And, er, you know,
0:39:04 > 0:39:06opportunity to dress up, look cool for a bit.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08It's er always quite good fun.
0:39:10 > 0:39:14Even so, Alex is still worried some will slip through the net
0:39:14 > 0:39:15and miss out on the reunion.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20I'll do my best to sort of try and push people into...into coming,
0:39:20 > 0:39:23maybe sort of twist an arm.
0:39:25 > 0:39:29There's been chatter on Facebook between the lads about the reunion.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32But Holty has sent out a message saying he's feeling down,
0:39:32 > 0:39:35and they're concerned he might not come.
0:39:36 > 0:39:37I'm most worried about Holty.
0:39:37 > 0:39:41Holty is one of the more sensitive fellows who...he's
0:39:41 > 0:39:44a bit of a roller coaster.
0:39:47 > 0:39:51He sent me a message the other day telling me that he's a bit depressed.
0:39:51 > 0:39:54The messages says "To be honest mate, don't think this civvie life
0:39:54 > 0:39:58"is for me and don't really wanna go back in the army.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01"In a low mood at the minute, nothing is exciting me".
0:40:06 > 0:40:09Because the reunion is fast approaching, Peter
0:40:09 > 0:40:12and Matthew decide they must visit Holty to raise his morale
0:40:12 > 0:40:14and make sure he attends.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19We're going to go on down and see Holty in Doncaster.
0:40:19 > 0:40:23Probably end up having a few drinks later on.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25Yeah, going up north.
0:40:37 > 0:40:41When they get there, they're relieved to find he appears to be in a better mood.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44This is dash. Little Dashy.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46- Cute, isn't he? Kevin - Grrrrr!
0:40:46 > 0:40:48- How's your love life going?- Shit.
0:40:48 > 0:40:53Any takers? What about yours, Ramdeen?
0:40:53 > 0:40:56It's been a while for you, though, innit?
0:40:58 > 0:41:01Holty remains a hero in the platoon.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03He was the man with the metal detector at
0:41:03 > 0:41:09the front of the patrols whose job it was to find the deadly IEDs.
0:41:09 > 0:41:13To go out and know that you're going to be pretty much the first
0:41:13 > 0:41:15person to get hit if you do miss one.
0:41:15 > 0:41:19And to be able to go out and do that everyday, especially after seeing
0:41:19 > 0:41:23things kick off as well, I think he's got balls of steel for that.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31The next morning, with the sun shining for once, the lads
0:41:31 > 0:41:36decide to take Holty to Skegness to help him clear his troubled mind.
0:41:39 > 0:41:40I'm going to be sick.
0:41:40 > 0:41:45# I see a bad moon rising
0:41:46 > 0:41:50# I see trouble on the way...#
0:41:53 > 0:41:55You wouldn't think we used to be soldiers.
0:41:57 > 0:42:01# There's a bad moon on the rise. #
0:42:08 > 0:42:10I'm not interested in making new friends.
0:42:10 > 0:42:17I feel more alone now - well, not right this minute,
0:42:17 > 0:42:25but, yeah, I feel more alone since I got out than I did when I was in.
0:42:26 > 0:42:31Not long ago I wanted to be totally by myself, and left alone,
0:42:31 > 0:42:34and it was a pretty down day
0:42:34 > 0:42:38and I phoned Holty and he wanted exactly the same thing.
0:42:38 > 0:42:43I reassured him and if I was there I would have give him a cuddle and that I guess.
0:42:43 > 0:42:46But it's just one of them things, isn't it?
0:42:46 > 0:42:47It's true, though, innit?
0:42:47 > 0:42:49You don't need to say, "Oh, don't worry mate,
0:42:49 > 0:42:50"everything's gonna be all right."
0:42:50 > 0:42:56You just say "Yeah, man up."
0:42:56 > 0:42:59Yeah, that's about it, yeah. Man up, carry on.
0:43:01 > 0:43:05Holty wants to go to the reunion and he can see its importance.
0:43:05 > 0:43:08Because it'll get everyone back together.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14We've been through so much together
0:43:14 > 0:43:19and I think that's what makes us unique and a special platoon.
0:43:24 > 0:43:27But they know that Holty is still up and down,
0:43:27 > 0:43:31and so they can't be certain that he'll attend the reunion.
0:43:31 > 0:43:35When Matthew and Peter return home, he'll be alone again in his flat.
0:43:39 > 0:43:44By contrast, when Matthew started to suffer post traumatic stress, he was
0:43:44 > 0:43:48living with his mother, Jo, and she was able to get help for him.
0:43:48 > 0:43:53Even so, she remains appalled by how difficult it was to get him treatment.
0:43:53 > 0:43:58For me it was disgusting that the way I had to do it.
0:43:58 > 0:44:01It's a long process, and you have to fight for it.
0:44:01 > 0:44:04If you have someone who really, really needs the help there
0:44:04 > 0:44:07and then it's not there, the help isn't there.
0:44:07 > 0:44:08And that's what scared me the most.
0:44:19 > 0:44:21As for Allan Arnold, he was still in the army
0:44:21 > 0:44:24when he took his own life, although he was on leave at the time.
0:44:24 > 0:44:28His mother Nickie doesn't believe her son got the help he needed -
0:44:28 > 0:44:31she thinks he was let down by the military.
0:44:31 > 0:44:33Angry, very angry.
0:44:35 > 0:44:40You can't just look after their physical wellbeing, you know,
0:44:40 > 0:44:44send them to the doctor, send them to the dentist,
0:44:44 > 0:44:50you have to look after their mental health as well.
0:44:50 > 0:44:54They need help to cope with what they've seen and what they've done.
0:44:55 > 0:45:02They have to have the counselling, the professional help
0:45:02 > 0:45:06to learn how to live with it.
0:45:06 > 0:45:09Allan's regiment was 2 Rifles, and its commanding officer
0:45:09 > 0:45:13for the 2009 tour was Brigadier Robert Thomson.
0:45:13 > 0:45:16He will not speak about Allan's case specifically
0:45:16 > 0:45:19but he does accept that some soldiers with mental health issues
0:45:19 > 0:45:22may have slipped through the net.
0:45:22 > 0:45:25I think that it's very difficult to say that I didn't miss people
0:45:25 > 0:45:30because these are difficult issues
0:45:30 > 0:45:33to be able to tackle with absolute fidelity.
0:45:33 > 0:45:36Um, but what I can say is I was confident
0:45:36 > 0:45:40that we had put the right processes in place and as a regiment we take,
0:45:40 > 0:45:44and as an army we take the care of our people absolutely as a priority.
0:45:46 > 0:45:49And he has a message for our lads who've left the regiment.
0:45:49 > 0:45:53Anybody who feels that they haven't been looked after by the regiment
0:45:53 > 0:45:57gets in touch with us now, we are a family regiment.
0:45:57 > 0:45:58There is no sense that we would want
0:45:58 > 0:46:00not to be seen to be looking after our own.
0:46:03 > 0:46:05It's nearing the end of the summer
0:46:05 > 0:46:08and the reunion is virtually upon them.
0:46:08 > 0:46:10Alex has come to London's Jermyn Street
0:46:10 > 0:46:14to take up an offer from Emma Willis, a bespoke shirt-maker.
0:46:14 > 0:46:15- Hello, Emma.- Alex, hi.
0:46:15 > 0:46:17- How are you?- I'm fine. How are you?
0:46:17 > 0:46:19Yeah, very well.
0:46:19 > 0:46:22She's offered to make the men the shirts they'll need for the reunion
0:46:22 > 0:46:23free of charge.
0:46:23 > 0:46:26I thought it's definitely appropriate
0:46:26 > 0:46:30that our great servicemen are looking very smart in black tie.
0:46:33 > 0:46:35After his spell in hospital,
0:46:35 > 0:46:38Emma met Alex at the Headley Court Rehab Centre.
0:46:38 > 0:46:40I started going there three years ago
0:46:40 > 0:46:43having heard a programme on Radio 4 about it.
0:46:43 > 0:46:46I wanted to try and work out a way of doing something
0:46:46 > 0:46:49and then it struck me shortly after I could do the bespoke shirts for them.
0:46:49 > 0:46:53I can make the shirt to fit all their body measurements.
0:46:53 > 0:46:56I've probably put on a little bit of weight around the neck.
0:46:56 > 0:47:00- OK, so a lot of muscle, a lot of time in the gym. OK! - Definitely muscle.
0:47:01 > 0:47:05Very early on he was very, very thin,
0:47:05 > 0:47:07and characteristic chain-smoking.
0:47:07 > 0:47:10Emma has a clothing factory in Gloucester
0:47:10 > 0:47:14and makes shirts for free for disabled servicemen and women.
0:47:14 > 0:47:17So you tell me which one you prefer.
0:47:17 > 0:47:20I've always sort of preferred these ones, rather than the pleated ones.
0:47:20 > 0:47:23'I know the dinner will be amazing.
0:47:23 > 0:47:26'I can guarantee there will be so much laughing.'
0:47:26 > 0:47:27Take care. Thanks, bye.
0:47:27 > 0:47:31It's lovely to see you. Good luck with all your plans.
0:47:31 > 0:47:33Ah, yes, I will - I'll do my best.
0:47:33 > 0:47:35- Thank you very much.- See you soon.
0:47:35 > 0:47:37- All the best.- Bye.
0:47:38 > 0:47:43But at the eleventh hour, just before the reunion, there's a hitch.
0:47:43 > 0:47:45Holty is in a bad way again
0:47:45 > 0:47:47and doesn't think he'll be able to attend.
0:47:47 > 0:47:51Sometimes negative thoughts, like, overwhelm...
0:47:54 > 0:47:56..in me head and that, and it's just...
0:47:57 > 0:48:01I could go for days without talking to anybody or...
0:48:02 > 0:48:04..just seeing anybody.
0:48:05 > 0:48:08Although meeting his old friends may help,
0:48:08 > 0:48:11he's not sure he can face the idea of company.
0:48:12 > 0:48:14I get into a...
0:48:19 > 0:48:21..like a distant mood.
0:48:22 > 0:48:23Like...
0:48:25 > 0:48:28..I don't want to talk to anybody, don't want to see nobody.
0:48:34 > 0:48:38I just...I just want to be alone.
0:48:40 > 0:48:43At the minute I'm just taking things day-to-day.
0:48:49 > 0:48:51I've not really got any plans.
0:48:52 > 0:48:54Em...
0:49:02 > 0:49:05I don't know, really, whatever happens, happens.
0:49:19 > 0:49:21THEY CHATTER
0:49:31 > 0:49:33Finally, it's the 18th August
0:49:33 > 0:49:36and the evening of the reunion in Birmingham.
0:49:40 > 0:49:43I know people's voice mails better than I know them.
0:49:43 > 0:49:45Whilst buck's fizz is served on the terrace,
0:49:45 > 0:49:48Alex is still trying to round up a few stragglers.
0:49:48 > 0:49:51I was just wondering when you're going to turn up...
0:49:51 > 0:49:54I'm just trying to track you down...
0:49:54 > 0:49:57Just turn up and we'll see you when you get here.
0:49:57 > 0:50:02Do turn up at any point. Anyway, take care. Bye-bye.
0:50:04 > 0:50:06I've been on the phone to Boycey all day.
0:50:08 > 0:50:09He promised me he's coming!
0:50:12 > 0:50:13We've finally made it.
0:50:13 > 0:50:16We're still waiting for a few more to turn up,
0:50:16 > 0:50:21but I think the turnout's good.
0:50:23 > 0:50:25For Matthew and Peter, it's a special moment
0:50:25 > 0:50:28to be with their old comrades again.
0:50:28 > 0:50:30It's brilliant. Getting back with all the lads again,
0:50:30 > 0:50:34having a few drinks. Getting all the army banter
0:50:34 > 0:50:36and after not seeing everyone for so long.
0:50:38 > 0:50:41Quite shocking to see everybody scrubbed up all right!
0:50:42 > 0:50:45I could, mate, but I'm worried where it's going!
0:50:45 > 0:50:49'The boss put some money behind the bar.'
0:50:52 > 0:50:54It was really great having a formal dinner together,
0:50:54 > 0:50:56all of us looking smart.
0:50:56 > 0:51:01Haven't seen some of the lads since Afghanistan to be honest.
0:51:01 > 0:51:03Are you still having further ops and things?
0:51:03 > 0:51:05Yeah, on my arm.
0:51:05 > 0:51:07At the very last moment,
0:51:07 > 0:51:11Holty is persuaded by his old mate from the platoon, Brendan,
0:51:11 > 0:51:15to attend, and they travel down from Doncaster together.
0:51:17 > 0:51:19'First time I were in a black tie.
0:51:19 > 0:51:22'I looked smart. Everyone did.'
0:51:25 > 0:51:28I just thought it might be the last chance
0:51:28 > 0:51:31that I'd, like, see everyone together again, so...
0:51:32 > 0:51:35I thought, "Just do it."
0:51:40 > 0:51:42The lads that were lost over there,
0:51:42 > 0:51:45they always come up in conversations.
0:51:46 > 0:51:48It's just all the good memories.
0:51:55 > 0:51:58The reunion has achieved everything that Alex hoped for.
0:52:00 > 0:52:05'It's a wonderful venue, it's a wonderful get-together.'
0:52:05 > 0:52:08THEY CHAT
0:52:08 > 0:52:10'I've never seen 9 Platoon look so smart.'
0:52:11 > 0:52:13< Ohhh!
0:52:15 > 0:52:17On the night, Holty was brilliant.
0:52:17 > 0:52:20He was back to how he was when we were all together
0:52:20 > 0:52:23before we even went out there, and he had a good laugh.
0:52:23 > 0:52:26He got a bit tipsy and started acting like Holty.
0:52:26 > 0:52:29'So it did him a world of good, I think.'
0:52:33 > 0:52:36'It's great to see the guys back together again.
0:52:36 > 0:52:39'A lot to catch up about. It's a good time.'
0:52:51 > 0:52:54It's now September, and one month on.
0:52:56 > 0:53:00For Allan Arnold's sister, Abbie, the grief is still raw.
0:53:02 > 0:53:05I don't think I can put into words how much I miss Alan at all.
0:53:11 > 0:53:15There'll be a song on the radio that will remind me of him,
0:53:15 > 0:53:17or somebody will walk past
0:53:17 > 0:53:21who's wore the same deodorant or aftershave as him,
0:53:21 > 0:53:24and you get that gut-wrenching feeling in your stomach
0:53:24 > 0:53:28like you want to be sick, because you're never going to see him again.
0:53:38 > 0:53:41Our lads are approaching the future with fresh hope.
0:53:41 > 0:53:45Peter is helping to do up the house of his friend, Gemma,
0:53:45 > 0:53:48and she's encouraging him to stay off the drink.
0:53:48 > 0:53:49I'm seeing a lot of Gemma.
0:53:49 > 0:53:52She doesn't like drink and all of that going on.
0:53:52 > 0:53:54I've cut the drink down massively.
0:53:55 > 0:53:57And, er... I'll get...
0:53:57 > 0:54:00- I will get there. - HE LAUGHS
0:54:01 > 0:54:04And even though he's still refusing to get professional help,
0:54:04 > 0:54:07the nightmares are easing up a little.
0:54:09 > 0:54:12You could never forget, er, times like that.
0:54:12 > 0:54:14That's going to be with you for life.
0:54:14 > 0:54:17No matter if you talk to anybody or not.
0:54:17 > 0:54:20I still get bad nightmares,
0:54:20 > 0:54:23but nowhere near as bad as they were.
0:54:24 > 0:54:27It's nice being able to sleep properly now.
0:54:30 > 0:54:32He's determined to become the dad
0:54:32 > 0:54:34he thinks his daughter, Hope, deserves.
0:54:36 > 0:54:39I love her to pieces but I don't get to see her often enough.
0:54:39 > 0:54:42And it's heartbreaking not seeing her. Agony.
0:54:43 > 0:54:45I'll keep writing her letters.
0:54:45 > 0:54:48I've got a half-written letter at home now.
0:54:48 > 0:54:51And I've got to finish writing it and I'll send it off.
0:54:57 > 0:55:01Matthew has started the third year of his engineering course,
0:55:01 > 0:55:05and he sees it as another small step towards his ultimate ambition.
0:55:08 > 0:55:11It's always been a dream for me to fly a plane myself.
0:55:11 > 0:55:14I want to enrol in the RAF and become a fighter pilot.
0:55:14 > 0:55:15'Yeah, let's go, let's go!'
0:55:15 > 0:55:18- PILOT:- 'And the nose is coming up and we are rolling now.'
0:55:18 > 0:55:21'Woo-hoo! Oh, wow!'
0:55:21 > 0:55:22'That was cool!'
0:55:22 > 0:55:24- 'How's that?'- 'Yeah!'
0:55:24 > 0:55:28- The future's bright, you know. - HE LAUGHS
0:55:28 > 0:55:31And yeah, I'm definitely looking forward to it, 100%.
0:55:35 > 0:55:39Holty has moved back in with his parents and life's still tough.
0:55:40 > 0:55:44I'm just fed up of the way that I'm feeling every day.
0:55:44 > 0:55:47I'm just not getting any enjoyment from anything.
0:55:47 > 0:55:51This life that I'm in now is pretty boring.
0:55:52 > 0:55:56He wants to turn his army experience into something more positive -
0:55:56 > 0:56:01he dreams of starting a new life, if possible, far away in America.
0:56:03 > 0:56:06Obviously I've got experience from t'army,
0:56:06 > 0:56:09which might help me to get...
0:56:11 > 0:56:12into the police force in America.
0:56:12 > 0:56:16I'm going to try my hardest to get a visa and that.
0:56:18 > 0:56:22I just want summat new, summat exciting.
0:56:31 > 0:56:33The surviving members of 9 Platoon
0:56:33 > 0:56:36are all trying to move on with their lives,
0:56:36 > 0:56:38each in their own way.
0:56:41 > 0:56:44For some, at least, the demons that have haunted them
0:56:44 > 0:56:48since that fateful day are gradually being left behind.
0:57:09 > 0:57:12Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd