0:00:03 > 0:00:07Stephen Fry is one of Britain's most-recognised public figures.
0:00:07 > 0:00:11He's enormously popular and successful.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14I know it's been...a very tough year for many of you.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17What with the shock of both George Clooney and me
0:00:17 > 0:00:19being removed from the matrimonial market.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21LAUGHTER
0:00:21 > 0:00:24He also has a mental illness that four-million other people
0:00:24 > 0:00:26in Britain struggle with.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Looking back on it, can you think about what started it for you?
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Where did it start to go wrong?
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Just some feeling came over me that this was...this was the end.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41This was the time to bring the curtain down, to finish.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44There was nothing on Earth to live for.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Ten years ago, Stephen made a groundbreaking series
0:00:48 > 0:00:51that explored this condition.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55'There's no doubt that I do have...extremes of mood
0:00:55 > 0:00:58'that are greater than just about anybody else I know.'
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I'm fully aware I'm a very awful person to be with.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I find it difficult to meet people's eyes.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I find it very difficult to connect with people. I find it very, um...
0:01:06 > 0:01:08I just want to be alone, frankly.
0:01:08 > 0:01:14Speaking openly for the first time, he encouraged others to do the same.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17My father actually killed himself just over there, actually.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20So, er...it's not...it's not the best place.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22The programme's had a huge impact
0:01:22 > 0:01:24and helped start a more open conversation
0:01:24 > 0:01:27about living with manic depression,
0:01:27 > 0:01:30or bipolar, as it's now called.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34I so very much bitterly resent having manic depression.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I wish I could say otherwise, but that's how I feel.
0:01:39 > 0:01:45The series also urged that, as a society, we do more to help.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48So, ten years on, have we?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50And do we understand bipolar better?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56HE SINGS
0:01:59 > 0:02:02The entire world is looking at you
0:02:02 > 0:02:06predominantly, 70%, like, "You're a fool".
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Alien. Wow!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Is treatment for bipolar better?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12He went to the doctors
0:02:12 > 0:02:17and he was prescribed some antidepressants of some sort.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19One sent him worse than ever
0:02:19 > 0:02:22and the other, he just was like a zombie.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26I had a week where I had no feelings and no emotions and, you know,
0:02:26 > 0:02:28that was a concern for me.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Is it any easier for young people now to admit they have bipolar?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39'Shared it on Facebook. The response I had was just amazing.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41'I never expected that.'
0:02:41 > 0:02:46And it would just say positive comments and messages and emails.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50And how is Stephen coping a decade later?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53You will have this for the rest of your life, in my view.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55What you're not talking about is curing me.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59I do think the medication will reduce the severity.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02So, ten years on,
0:03:02 > 0:03:04is there a brighter future for those with bipolar?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16HUBBUB
0:03:18 > 0:03:23Four years ago, Stephen's bipolar life reached a critical point
0:03:23 > 0:03:25whilst he was filming in Africa.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28'I can recall interviewing an Ugandan minister
0:03:28 > 0:03:32'who was a foaming, frothing homophobe of the worst kind
0:03:32 > 0:03:34'behind the bill in Uganda
0:03:34 > 0:03:37'that was supposed to make homosexuality a capital offence.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40'In other words, a death sentence.'
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- How do you do? - Thank you. My name is Stephen.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46It was a very passionate interview and I was very...
0:03:46 > 0:03:50strong in my opinions and he was very strong in his opinions.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I will arrest you. I will arrest you!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Don't promote, don't recruit,
0:03:55 > 0:03:59don't encourage others to come into your...
0:03:59 > 0:04:00I hope, um...
0:04:00 > 0:04:03'There was nothing else to do, so I could go back to the hotel.'
0:04:03 > 0:04:05- OK, thank you.- Thank you.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06I knew I had a bottle of vodka in my room
0:04:06 > 0:04:10and I knew I had a whole sponge bagful of pills.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12And I paced around,
0:04:12 > 0:04:17trying to analyse what it was that had disappeared from me.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21And it seemed as though the whole essence of me had disappeared.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Everything that was me was no longer there.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28Just some feeling came over me that this was...this was the end.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30And I just carefully lined up
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I don't know how many of those damn pills
0:04:33 > 0:04:37and drank all the vodka that there was there with the pills.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41The next thing I remember was I'm on the floor,
0:04:41 > 0:04:43an embarrassed member of the hotel
0:04:43 > 0:04:46is looking down at the carpet in the doorway.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49"You've just got to get into a hospital."
0:04:53 > 0:04:56It took two days to get Stephen back to the UK.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59He'd never been as low before.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01He decided he had to see a psychiatrist.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08It's easy to think that his slightly manic presentation
0:05:08 > 0:05:11is part of his personality.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14And therefore, that when he says he's down, it's fake.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16That somehow, it's an act.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20But that Uganda depression was clearly very deep.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I have a dim memory of arriving here and...
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Well, you arrived, let me remind you,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- sorry that you were still alive. - Yes, I was.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32And wanting to die and feeling that you should have died.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35From two years ago when we first met,
0:05:35 > 0:05:36just like being very depressed,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39you were also extremely manic in your speech.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41You talked and talked and talked about
0:05:41 > 0:05:45the purposelessness of your life, how your skills meant nothing.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Your talents seemed meaningless
0:05:47 > 0:05:49- and your future seemed hopeless. - Yeah.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53So it was valuable to...put you on the anti-manic medication
0:05:53 > 0:05:55and to get rid of the alcohol at that point
0:05:55 > 0:05:57and look at your mood state.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01And I can remember that, that I was in pain, but I can't recreate it.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04But I remember thinking it and I meant it.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Stephen's psychiatrist immediately admitted him to hospital.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Had he not expressed willingness to accept treatment,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I would have applied for a section
0:06:14 > 0:06:16under the Mental Health Act at that point.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Because I was worried enough about him
0:06:18 > 0:06:21to believe that he might actually kill himself.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25We had somebody outside his door for most of the first day and night.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27There were two very bad days and then suddenly,
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- you began to see a chink of light again.- Yeah, that's right.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33And brightened up very quickly.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36At the age of 56,
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Stephen got a formal mental health diagnosis of cyclothymia.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Mood swings that lead to disturbed behaviour.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48But with the diagnosis came the medication.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51And that immediately made him feel much better.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56It's often said that early diagnosis is crucial
0:06:56 > 0:07:00to helping people live a happier, safer life.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- How do you do?- Hi! - How nice to meet you. I'm Stephen.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Lovely to meet you!- Hello! Come in. I mean, that's what you say.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11In the first series, Stephen met Cordelia,
0:07:11 > 0:07:13who was diagnosed at 22,
0:07:13 > 0:07:17after a distressing time at Oxford University.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18I'm not going to be a lawyer
0:07:18 > 0:07:21or a doctor or something with my illness...
0:07:21 > 0:07:26Cordelia, then 26, but struggling even with medication,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28to manage her mood swings.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Eight: Inflated self-esteem, rapid thoughts and speech,
0:07:31 > 0:07:34counterproductive simultaneous tasks. Yes, I recognise that one.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37That's about where I was when I was in hospital, about eight.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- No, I think you were at nine. - I was not!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I had not lost touch with reality!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- You... - I was not paranoid and vindictive!
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Stephen watched Cordelia tell her therapist
0:07:46 > 0:07:50how destructive bipolarity was to her dreams of becoming a writer.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54What I...had thought is that when I was depressed,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58I would be able to write about being depressed, but I actually can't.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01I can't even write about being depressed when I'm depressed.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02I can't really write about anything.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04I'm never going to be able to write again.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I'm never going to be able to, you know, go out and socialise again.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I'm never going to be able to do anything again.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I mean, what does it say about you if you can't write?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17She looks as though she wants to walk out now.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20The writing is something that I'm good at and...
0:08:20 > 0:08:23So, if you can't do that...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- that's the final straw?- Yeah.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34First impressions ten years on seem positive.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Cordelia has written a novel and a daily blog charts her mood cycles.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41'June 9th, 2014.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44'What you should be doing is resting, regrouping, sleeping,
0:08:44 > 0:08:48'but you're buzzing and you can't sleep, can't sleep, can't sleep.'
0:08:48 > 0:08:52When she's low, she even gives a name to her depression.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55She calls it, the Panther.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58'November 6th, 2014.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02'Waking up, late, there's a heavy weight on my chest.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04'Opening my eyes, I see the Panther next to me,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07'one huge paw draped over me.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10'"I've been expecting you," I say.'
0:09:11 > 0:09:16I was 26 years old and I had this optimism that I would overcome
0:09:16 > 0:09:20my mental disorder and go on and live some much more productive life.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22And, of course, I haven't.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I'm still dealing with my mental disorder every day of my life,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27as is everyone else I know who has one.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30'May 1st, 2015.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33'There's a wren flying around the house,
0:09:33 > 0:09:35'trying to get out, and she can't.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38'And you're chasing after her, trying to coax her towards the door
0:09:38 > 0:09:41'and you've got to, got to, got to chase her out.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44'The wren flies into your mouth and down your oesophagus
0:09:44 > 0:09:47'and the flapping wings of the tiny, terrified bird
0:09:47 > 0:09:48'are beating in your head now
0:09:48 > 0:09:50'and in your throat and in your heart.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53'And your heart beats too fast and your chest is tight.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54'It doesn't stop.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56'This is anxiety.'
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- READS:- It happens when my mood is too high, or too low,
0:09:59 > 0:10:02or sometimes it just comes out of nowhere.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I can be in a safe place and suddenly the bird is flapping
0:10:04 > 0:10:08around inside my head and my stomach and I have to leave wherever I am.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14When she's depressed, she's so totally negative about everything.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17She thinks that she's worthless, her life is worthless.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22She keeps saying, um... "Why can't I just die?"
0:10:22 > 0:10:29And she has tried to, um...commit suicide four times.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Ten years ago, Cordelia could still lead a social life,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35going to London with her friend, Naomi.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Now, Naomi's life has moved on.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43She is happily married and has a baby.
0:10:43 > 0:10:48They still meet up, but Naomi sees just how much being bipolar
0:10:48 > 0:10:50still shapes Cordelia's life.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55To me, it seems like you're doing loads.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59You're managing your blog every day and it's great. Yeah?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- And you're working.- Yes.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- You are...- A whole two days a week.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- And you're maintaining a relationship.- Yeah. Well,
0:11:07 > 0:11:11I am maintaining a relationship, that's probably the main thing I'm doing.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- Do you still feel that you have as many highs, as well?- Yeah.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- And as extreme?- Yeah.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Really?- Well, yeah. My highs are a bit worse now.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I think it's because of adding all these new drugs in. And it's like...
0:11:23 > 0:11:25You know, if it was sort of,
0:11:25 > 0:11:28"Here's something that will make you happy and thin"...
0:11:30 > 0:11:32..then that would be one thing.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34But it's, like, "Here is something that will make you fat
0:11:34 > 0:11:36"and make you sweaty and not be able to sleep,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38"but you've got to have it".
0:11:38 > 0:11:41And that's just not a very nice choice. Or not choice.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- There isn't a choice.- Yeah.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45LOW CHATTER
0:11:45 > 0:11:47'She's extremely hard on herself.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50'I can't stress that enough, really.'
0:11:50 > 0:11:52She's achieving so much in her life
0:11:52 > 0:11:55with all these difficult things going on for her
0:11:55 > 0:11:57and the way that she feels and it's...
0:11:57 > 0:11:59You know, it's just never enough for her.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01And she's brave and courageous
0:12:01 > 0:12:04and all these things that she doesn't see at all.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12It's ruined any chance she could have had
0:12:12 > 0:12:15of having the sort of life that her friends have.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20When she's depressed, she won't speak to them.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24She won't return their phone calls. She doesn't want to see anyone.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27She just wants to be left alone
0:12:27 > 0:12:31and it's not a very good basis for a friendship really.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36So, she lives a very restricted sort of life, really,
0:12:36 > 0:12:38for somebody of her age.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Two years ago,
0:12:41 > 0:12:45that restricted life suddenly got much worse.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Cordelia discovered she developed a major physical illness too.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51This is a CT scan
0:12:51 > 0:12:53and we're going to be scanning through your chest
0:12:53 > 0:12:55and your abdomen and pelvis.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58A rash on her breast Cordelia had ignored
0:12:58 > 0:13:00was diagnosed as breast cancer,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03which has now spread to her skin and lungs.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Breathe.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13'Here we are at the hospital of death and cancer.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16'Going to turn it into a scan to see if my cancer
0:13:16 > 0:13:18'in my lungs is better or worse.'
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Ten years ago, I had everything to look forward to
0:13:21 > 0:13:25and now, basically, whether they slow it down a bit or not,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I'm terminally ill
0:13:27 > 0:13:29and I'm basically dying.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33They don't know how long, they don't know if it will or it won't.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36But...
0:13:36 > 0:13:40every time we thought there might be some hope,
0:13:40 > 0:13:44it always turned out worse than we expected, didn't it?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47I think we've just given up hoping for things now
0:13:47 > 0:13:50and we're just trying to have as much fun as we can.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Almost every week,
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Cordelia visits London Zoo with her mother.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Normally, it calms her.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Oh, he's coming over to see us.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- He's coming over to see us. Hello, hello, JJ.- JJ.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Do you see any of the cubs?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20But today her mood is changing.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Her normal pattern is five months high, three months low
0:14:23 > 0:14:26and she's starting to feel low again.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32I just feel really tired now.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33I expect you do.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Just feel quite sad, haven't got much energy,
0:14:41 > 0:14:44finding it very difficult to do my basic things,
0:14:44 > 0:14:48like going to the gym and I really just want to sort of
0:14:48 > 0:14:49be with my mum and...
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Yeah, like now, I just really want to sit down.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I just feel really, really, really exhausted.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00It's just as if a light has gone out, isn't it?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I can always tell.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07I can't really explain it now because I'm actually just too tired.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Well, I think you'll just have to try and believe me
0:15:10 > 0:15:14when I say that in two months' time, you will be feeling much better.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- Let's hope so.- Yes.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18I'm hoping I'm still alive by then.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Breast cancer doesn't annoy me all the time.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27It's not like every day I think about it
0:15:27 > 0:15:30in the way that I think about my mental disorder every day.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33It's weird. It's really quite, quite different.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Depression is just worse than anything
0:15:39 > 0:15:42because it's, you know,
0:15:42 > 0:15:44mental anguish and mental agony.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50With her early diagnosis,
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Cordelia knew why she had severe mood swings.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56But clearly it's not helped her to live with them.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05For Stephen though, his diagnosis of cyclothymia
0:16:05 > 0:16:07brought treatment that seemed to help,
0:16:07 > 0:16:11but recently his behaviour has been causing concern.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Despite being on medication, he's becoming increasingly manic
0:16:18 > 0:16:22and his psychiatrist is considering a new diagnosis.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26When I had that very manic episode earlier this year,
0:16:26 > 0:16:28when I was hyper,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I was changing the colour shades of the trousers
0:16:31 > 0:16:35hanging in the wardrobe, so that they went in one proper gradation
0:16:35 > 0:16:39and I was being, I suppose, some people call it OCD.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43- Forgive me, but you talk rapidly and you always have.- Yeah.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47When you go a bit high, do you notice that speeds up?
0:16:47 > 0:16:51I don't notice it as much as those close to me do.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52My sister does very clearly
0:16:52 > 0:16:55and will text me straightaway after we've had
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- a conversation on the phone. - So, friends and family...- Yeah.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00..can sense that you've gone a little high?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Some people think that being high is a rather
0:17:03 > 0:17:06jolly, happy, great place, but I think, at times,
0:17:06 > 0:17:09it makes you quite distressed as well.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Absolutely, this particular time I was saying, I think to you
0:17:12 > 0:17:17and certainly to my close friends and family, I said, "Do you know...
0:17:17 > 0:17:20"Please don't send straightaway for an ambulance, but
0:17:20 > 0:17:23"I think I know how Joan of Arc felt.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28"I think I understand some of this sort of...
0:17:28 > 0:17:32"radiant sense of absolute purpose and...
0:17:32 > 0:17:36"complete confidence and drive
0:17:36 > 0:17:40"and connection to the entire universe."
0:17:40 > 0:17:43It sounded absolute piffle when you think about it.
0:17:43 > 0:17:48So filled with a kind of inner energy of...
0:17:48 > 0:17:50That is so exciting.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53The character I compared myself to is Howard Beale.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57You know, the posthumous Oscar-winning performance
0:17:57 > 0:18:00by Peter Finch in the film Network?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02I want you to get up now.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I want all of you to get up out of your chairs.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I want you to get up right now and go to the window,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13open it and stick your head out and yell,
0:18:13 > 0:18:18"I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more!"
0:18:18 > 0:18:21He talks about being filled and charged
0:18:21 > 0:18:23with an extraordinary energy.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25But he refuses to believe he's man.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27He thinks he is a prophet.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31And fortunately, I didn't go down that line!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Do you think that that was one of the more manic phases
0:18:34 > 0:18:35you've had recently?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Definitely, yes, yes.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Two years ago when you came in, first time,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43we were thinking about a diagnosis then of next a mixed state,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- sort of cyclothymic state. - Yeah, yes.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47And in the intervening period, I think,
0:18:47 > 0:18:51we would have to concede that you've had a manic episode, certainly one.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55- Yes.- And I think that means we need to probably review the diagnosis.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- Yeah.- So that, rather than it being cyclothymic disorder,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I think you have to accept now that it's bipolar type I disorder.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- Right.- I think you do have a true condition...- Yeah.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- ..and we've got to treat that appropriately.- Yes.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I long clung to the idea that I was cyclothymic
0:19:11 > 0:19:13which is a sort of mixed state.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15What marked it out for Billy,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18and I think I'd kind of come to terms with it myself,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21was the increasing periods of mania and sleeplessness
0:19:21 > 0:19:25and restlessness, which are of a different order to
0:19:25 > 0:19:28the bursting energy that I sometimes have.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32The lowering thought is that it is getting worse in me
0:19:32 > 0:19:35and cyclothymia to bipolar I is a bad jump.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I will have to be more careful with myself,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42I will have to be less abandoned about the way I live.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46I need really to know more about...
0:19:46 > 0:19:49what'll happen to me if I'm not careful.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56This new diagnosis will bring new medication to help control
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Stephen's mood swings.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01One aspect of Stevens manic moments
0:20:01 > 0:20:05so far in which he is fortunate, is that they've happened in private.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Many with bipolar aren't so lucky.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Their manic behaviour is in front of us - the public.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18And the reaction can be brutal.
0:20:19 > 0:20:25In June 2012, Alika, a 21-year-old budding musician in London,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28took this train journey from Dollis Hill to Waterloo.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35On board the train he listened to his music as always,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38completely unaware that he was about to be seen by millions.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43# ..tell you
0:20:43 > 0:20:48# You don't care if it's true
0:20:48 > 0:20:54# I know you've been hurt by someone else. #
0:20:57 > 0:21:00The man who secretly filmed Alika from his phone
0:21:00 > 0:21:03uploaded the video that night onto YouTube.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07# If you let me... #
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Within a day, over two million people had watched Alika's moment.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17The entire world is looking at you, predominantly 70%,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19like you're a fool.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22There's a lot of hurtful things.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25"Needs shooting."
0:21:28 > 0:21:31"Black X Factor for these tuneless, talentless,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33"self-absorbed fucks."
0:21:33 > 0:21:36"Alien." Wow.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38"Humans - what a mass of parasites."
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Nice.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43I just remember, basically, that was the beginning of me going,
0:21:43 > 0:21:45"Fuck everything, I want to run away.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Things like this, it's literally destroying me.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50"Let me just lock myself away.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52"That's it."
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Alika's mum saw her son's mood change.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58We hardly see him.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59He hardly slept.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I realise, this boy is not sleeping, he's not eating.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05He's not going to work.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07This was one of the things I was doing in my room
0:22:07 > 0:22:11while I was secluded and this is like a baby picture I've got.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14At the back of it I basically wrote what I thought was my will,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16because I really thought I was going to die.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19The first thing it literally says is,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21"Alika, you are not a bad person."
0:22:21 > 0:22:24This is actually stains of water
0:22:24 > 0:22:27which was from my eyes as I was writing that.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29So, this is literally my dry tears,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32writing it in a dark room.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33I asked him, what is happening?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35He said, "I've taken some few days off."
0:22:35 > 0:22:37That went into a week, into two weeks.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40And I say, "Something is not right here."
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Eventually, Alika decided to take a dangerous step.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Basically climbed out of my room
0:23:01 > 0:23:03and just wanted to get away from everything.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05I was really trying to end it all.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09And then my brother came in and he seen on my laptop
0:23:09 > 0:23:11that I had researched,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13"How to commit suicide."
0:23:13 > 0:23:17And I think he thought I was bluffing and that it was all staged.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20So, I climbed out even more and I was basically kind of like
0:23:20 > 0:23:22right at the top and I was thinking...
0:23:22 > 0:23:26And I was pretty much ready to do it and that's when, I think,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28my brother realised it was real.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30And that's when they called police.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Finally, I'm getting literally picked up
0:23:35 > 0:23:37and carried like a dead body
0:23:37 > 0:23:39down the stairs, handcuffs on my wrist,
0:23:39 > 0:23:43dragging me down in the most weirdest position.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46We carry him. Some on the legs, someone on the hips, someone behind.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48And he's screaming.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50"Don't let them take me, don't let them take me!"
0:23:50 > 0:23:53"Mum, you can't let them do this! You can't...
0:23:53 > 0:23:55"I don't want to go!"
0:23:55 > 0:23:57"I'm not crazy, don't let them take me!"
0:23:57 > 0:23:59I just kept on screaming that out.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02But I was very frightened, very frightened.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Alika was placed under section in a psychiatric hospital
0:24:11 > 0:24:12for four months.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18I've been explained and told that, "You had an episode of psychosis.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21"You're going through one of those times
0:24:21 > 0:24:24"that you don't know the difference between reality and dream."
0:24:24 > 0:24:26And then, all of a sudden on the last day,
0:24:26 > 0:24:28"Oh, yeah, so, we've decided you have bipolar."
0:24:28 > 0:24:30I think they even said type I.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Despite the public humiliation of his breakdown
0:24:33 > 0:24:36and what triggered it, in the three years since,
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Alika hasn't hidden away.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Instead, he's taken his experience of being a target of abuse
0:24:43 > 0:24:46and uses it to confront the stigma surrounding mental illness.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52# You don't care if it's true. #
0:24:52 > 0:24:56- THEY LAUGH - # I know you've been hurt
0:24:56 > 0:24:59# By someone else. #
0:24:59 > 0:25:04Having bipolar is a very hard thing to deal with.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08I think the hardest thing about it is when you know that no one will
0:25:08 > 0:25:11really understand, when you become looked as some sort of freak.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I know it sounds cliched, but there is always light at the end
0:25:14 > 0:25:17of the tunnel and if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19And I'm proof.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21APPLAUSE
0:25:25 > 0:25:28I thought of it as, "Oh, he's just another crazy guy on the train."
0:25:28 > 0:25:30- Yeah.- Because you get a lot of that in London.
0:25:30 > 0:25:35But then after obviously you said it, I was just like, "Oh..." That's where it hit.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37I feel guilty for laughing at you,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40because I don't know what it feels like to be in your shoes.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Some of the comments were extremely racist, or extremely inhumane
0:25:44 > 0:25:47and extremely negative, like, "He should die."
0:25:47 > 0:25:50It's like, wow. Someone was having a breakdown
0:25:50 > 0:25:52and singing out loud on the tube and they should die for that?
0:25:52 > 0:25:56When you're, you know, maybe posting a comment, you don't realise the effect
0:25:56 > 0:25:58- that it will have on the person you're commenting about.- Yeah.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02You think it's banter, but to them it really hurts and it could keep
0:26:02 > 0:26:05them awake at night, what you said. But behind the computer screen,
0:26:05 > 0:26:08you don't realise that. You just think, "Ah, LOL! I'm being funny."
0:26:08 > 0:26:13But for me that's a subject quite close to my heart because one of my friends took their lives.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17When he passed away, it wasn't us that was not trying to talk about,
0:26:17 > 0:26:21it was the adults that tried to keep it, like, hushed
0:26:21 > 0:26:24and nobody wanted to talk about it.
0:26:24 > 0:26:29- So, they were creating stigma, when actually...- We wanted to understand, like, but obviously...
0:26:29 > 0:26:33- No one wanted to tell. - No one wanted to tell that they didn't want to tell us.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36People use bipolar as an insult nowadays. "Oh, you're bipolar.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39You know, "Get your mood together." Stuff like that.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42And so you tend to stay away from people who you think aren't OK.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44If we were educated about all these things,
0:26:44 > 0:26:47we'd know that this is literally an illness.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50The brain can get sick just as much as the body can get sick.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52This isn't a choice.
0:26:52 > 0:26:57People who I've spoken with about this have all been, like, my age group
0:26:57 > 0:27:00and over time they've just naturally become negative,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02which is what I feel like a lot of adults do
0:27:02 > 0:27:05and I hope you guys don't do the same.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Don't judge a book by its cover.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10So, before you judge anyone or before you condemn anyone,
0:27:10 > 0:27:14or, like, take part in mocking and shaming people -
0:27:14 > 0:27:17just remember that that could be you - and that's it.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Thank you.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Alika's decision to fight back against the stigma he faced
0:27:21 > 0:27:24is part of how he forged his recovery.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31With the more serious diagnosis of bipolar I,
0:27:31 > 0:27:36Stephen's psychiatrist wants him to be aware of what might threaten his recovery.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42I remember in the five-month period before you saw me,
0:27:42 > 0:27:46- you visited 20 countries...- Yeah. - ..you'd crossed three time zones...
0:27:46 > 0:27:48- Yeah.- ..and you were burnt out by then.- Yeah.
0:27:48 > 0:27:53And I understand you've now done a lot of travelling...
0:27:53 > 0:27:59Yes, last week I went to San Francisco for a day.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08I literally - I mean, I landed there at five in the evening,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11I had a series of meetings until about 11 at night
0:28:11 > 0:28:14and then got up at 5:30 in the morning San Francisco time
0:28:14 > 0:28:18and then all the way through the day until four o'clock
0:28:18 > 0:28:20when the flight back to London was.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30And then flew to Chennai in India
0:28:30 > 0:28:33and arriving there at 5:30 in the morning.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43And then that filming went on till 10:30 in the evening
0:28:43 > 0:28:46and the next day was another 12 hours.
0:28:46 > 0:28:51In fact, I was up till midnight and then I had an hour to get back to the hotel and pack
0:28:51 > 0:28:57and go to the airport because it was a 3:30 in the morning flight back to England.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05I don't usually think of myself as an anxious person -
0:29:05 > 0:29:07just the act of going out of the house,
0:29:07 > 0:29:10I felt this kind of dead weight of anxiety on me.
0:29:10 > 0:29:15Do remember that with people with bipolar disorder especially -
0:29:15 > 0:29:19crossing borders, jet lag - they're all pressures
0:29:19 > 0:29:24that can actually cause a disruption. I'm not going to say that they'll cause a breakdown...
0:29:24 > 0:29:28- No.- ..they won't necessarily do that, but they are stressor and you need to be particularly careful
0:29:28 > 0:29:31that you manage them properly. Does your sleep get disordered?
0:29:31 > 0:29:35The most important thing for me now is to get a solid eight hours
0:29:35 > 0:29:39and I know I won't unless I have an Ambien, you know -
0:29:39 > 0:29:43diazepam or an Ambien and a Xanax.
0:29:43 > 0:29:47- So, that's you, in a way, creating sleep.- Yes.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51In fact, that and Xanax and a good couple of vodkas -
0:29:51 > 0:29:55I know I will get straight to sleep. And I know I'll wake up without feeling fuzzy
0:29:55 > 0:29:59- or in any way affected. - I want to pull you up on that, because, frankly,
0:29:59 > 0:30:06- that's what I don't think you should do.- Yes.- It's not wise or safe to rely on self-medicating
0:30:06 > 0:30:10- with alcohol. Remember, alcohol is a very powerful drug...- Yes. - ..it's also a depressant,
0:30:10 > 0:30:14you're on an anti-depressant - and, frankly, if you take an antidepressant with one hand
0:30:14 > 0:30:18and a depressant with the other - they'll meet in the middle of your brain and have a bit of a car crash.
0:30:18 > 0:30:23And little bits going everywhere and that will mess up your thinking. So, you will be a little zonked
0:30:23 > 0:30:25in the morning.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28What can make you high - as I mention to Stephen regularly -
0:30:28 > 0:30:31travel, sleeplessness, not taking care of yourself,
0:30:31 > 0:30:35poor exercise and, of course, drugs and drink.
0:30:35 > 0:30:40If you drink a lot, or use cocaine, or use stimulant drugs, you may drive yourself into this condition
0:30:40 > 0:30:43because you're already predisposed towards it.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46So, there's an interplay between what you do with your life
0:30:46 > 0:30:50and the condition you may have inherited, or you may have developed.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54Many people like Stephen self-medicate their condition
0:30:54 > 0:30:57with alcohol and drugs to help them deal with their moods.
0:30:57 > 0:31:01At the same time, they are often very reluctant to take the medication
0:31:01 > 0:31:04their psychiatrists have prescribed for them.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08Music: There Must Be An Angel (Playing With My Heart) by Eurythmics
0:31:08 > 0:31:13They hate the side effects and try to manage their lives without medication.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16That led Stephen to his crisis point in Uganda.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20It's brought Scott Martin, a chef in Lincolnshire,
0:31:20 > 0:31:23to a crossroads in his marriage and his job.
0:31:23 > 0:31:27I had a bit of delusions where, it was like an obsession with Annie Lennox.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31# No one on earth could feel like this... #
0:31:31 > 0:31:37I was listening to her songs and I believed there was hidden messages in the songs just for me.
0:31:37 > 0:31:41Particular lines in the songs that I thought, that's me, you know.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44# Must be talking to an angel
0:31:44 > 0:31:46# Must be talking to an angel
0:31:46 > 0:31:48# Must be talking to an angel... #
0:31:48 > 0:31:53Thursday night he had completely lost touch with reality
0:31:53 > 0:31:55and really frightened me.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57# Must be talking to an angel... #
0:31:57 > 0:32:03And he just thought he had time travelled to now
0:32:03 > 0:32:08and that he was actually the age that he is now, but in the '80s.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11- This weren't all real to him.- OK.
0:32:11 > 0:32:15She's obviously been put on this Earth to write the song for me
0:32:15 > 0:32:19and it all adds up and, you know, this is how I am.
0:32:19 > 0:32:23This is what frightens me, Naomi, because he last lost touch with reality
0:32:23 > 0:32:26and I'm telling him that this isn't true and I'm worried that one day
0:32:26 > 0:32:29he's going to wake up and think that he's some sort of angel.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32If he does believe he's an angel and he could fly, would he actually attempt to fly?
0:32:32 > 0:32:35But this is sort of why I want him sorted now.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38I've said to him - the last time he was in a real bad place -
0:32:38 > 0:32:42I sort of said, if you don't get sorted, you're going to lose everything.
0:32:48 > 0:32:52He could be like a bear on a morning shift
0:32:52 > 0:32:55and then in the evening when he comes in -
0:32:55 > 0:32:58completely different - raring to go.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03For the last five years, Scott's held down a chef's job here,
0:33:03 > 0:33:05but only just.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08And only because his boss is determined to help him.
0:33:09 > 0:33:13The difference in temperament within a 12 hour, six hour span,
0:33:13 > 0:33:16was quite marked really.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20He's one person and then his another person.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23He changes from being happy to then, like,
0:33:23 > 0:33:27being moody and then just snaps back to how he was.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30Just don't chuck away that pan, though.
0:33:30 > 0:33:34He slowly loses all his friends because his sudden outbursts -
0:33:34 > 0:33:37on some people they can have such an impact,
0:33:37 > 0:33:40they'll never speak to him again. So, yes.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43Park bench material is where he could be.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49Scott's family life is no easier.
0:33:49 > 0:33:54His mania is making him so anxious, he simply cannot enjoy going out
0:33:54 > 0:33:56with his wife and children.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00I don't think I can do this. I don't know if I can do this. I just look around and think,
0:34:00 > 0:34:04well, who's that there and do I know them? It doesn't look busy, but to me it just seems like
0:34:04 > 0:34:09loads of people. I can hear everything they're saying, it's just, you know, too much for me.
0:34:09 > 0:34:13I'm nervous and worried and people are staring, I suppose,
0:34:13 > 0:34:16and paranoid and all of it.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18HE CHUCKLES
0:34:22 > 0:34:27This isn't the first time that we've gone anywhere and he's ended up sitting in the car on his own
0:34:27 > 0:34:29while I've gone off and done whatever with the kids.
0:34:29 > 0:34:33Sometimes he thinks, "Yeah, I'm going to try and do this and I am going to do it."
0:34:33 > 0:34:36And then he gets here and he can't. He just can't make himself to it.
0:34:41 > 0:34:45Scott's increasingly disturbed behaviour has driven his wife to breaking point.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51Hayley said, you know, this can't go on no more.
0:34:51 > 0:34:55If you're not willing to help yourself - you've got to go and take something, basically.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58I mean, it's like an ultimatum of -
0:34:58 > 0:35:00it's either this or nothing, really.
0:35:00 > 0:35:04So, Scott now finds himself back at the psychiatric clinic
0:35:04 > 0:35:06he came to over a year ago.
0:35:07 > 0:35:11Then, he was put on medication, but after just a few weeks on the drugs,
0:35:11 > 0:35:13he came off them.
0:35:14 > 0:35:19He was very anti-medicine, because he told me very clearly that
0:35:19 > 0:35:22taking medication from a psychiatrist
0:35:22 > 0:35:26is very stigmatising for him. He didn't believe in it.
0:35:26 > 0:35:31We discussed about a lot of treatment options and I told you to go and read about it.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33Have you gone through that?
0:35:33 > 0:35:37- Yeah, I have sort of picked one what I'm particularly interested in. So...- And that is?
0:35:37 > 0:35:41- Which appeals to me the most. So... - And that is?
0:35:41 > 0:35:42- Lithium, yeah.- Oh, good.
0:35:42 > 0:35:47Lithium is a very strong, very powerful,
0:35:47 > 0:35:52- very well established, very evidence-based mood stabiliser. - Yeah.
0:35:52 > 0:35:57- How it works, even now in 2015, we don't know...- OK.
0:35:57 > 0:36:02..but it works very well. It goes to your brain and alters the mechanism
0:36:02 > 0:36:07- and within a week or two you'll feel that mood gets stabilised. - Yeah.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11But like any other chemical that we use, it also has side effects.
0:36:11 > 0:36:15Some people feel that they have some weight gain.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17I mean, that is an issue for me, so...
0:36:17 > 0:36:22- Yes, so we'll talk about it, yeah? - Yeah. It's sort of known as like a zombie drug, you know,
0:36:22 > 0:36:26and that was my big issue with it. But you've covered...
0:36:26 > 0:36:31- No, I don't think it will cause you that zombie feeling...- Yeah.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35When I looked through all of the drugs available,
0:36:35 > 0:36:37they all had these side effects.
0:36:37 > 0:36:41I think you just have to learn that the side effects are going to be there,
0:36:41 > 0:36:44but you've got to give it the patience to carry on with that.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50But last time Scott didn't have that patience.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53Within a month, he came off his meds because, in his words,
0:36:53 > 0:36:55he felt fat and like a zombie.
0:36:56 > 0:37:00A complaint voiced by many who have been put on antidepressants
0:37:00 > 0:37:02and mood stabilisers.
0:37:02 > 0:37:05The question is, will it be different now?
0:37:05 > 0:37:09He can knock pans and knock things off and catch plates.
0:37:09 > 0:37:14His processes were a little slower than he usually moves about,
0:37:14 > 0:37:18which I thought was the worry of him of taking this particular drug, as well.
0:37:18 > 0:37:22I've had a week where I had no feelings and no emotions
0:37:22 > 0:37:26and, you know, that was a concern for me. Because I was quite an emotional person
0:37:26 > 0:37:30and to suddenly realise what it's like to have no emotion,
0:37:30 > 0:37:32then you think there's something wrong.
0:37:35 > 0:37:40Scott has retreated into his own company and in the second week of his medication,
0:37:40 > 0:37:43discovers another worrying side effect.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47I was sleeping - nightmares -
0:37:47 > 0:37:50and I felt as if I was awake in my sleep.
0:37:50 > 0:37:55It was frightening to think, is this going to be like this for every night I go to sleep?
0:37:57 > 0:38:01Towards the end of that second week, he's staying up till the early hours of the morning
0:38:01 > 0:38:05because I think he was scared that he was going to go into it again,
0:38:05 > 0:38:07so he'd stop himself going to bed.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10I always just wonder about, when he's down on his own at night,
0:38:10 > 0:38:13if he's not well, he didn't ought to be left on his own,
0:38:13 > 0:38:17even though he tells me he wants to be on his own, he doesn't really.
0:38:17 > 0:38:18I know he doesn't really.
0:38:20 > 0:38:23It's now six weeks and Scott is still on the meds.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26His psychiatrist wants to do a follow-up assessment.
0:38:26 > 0:38:30So, let's talk about, what are the good things that have happened to you?
0:38:30 > 0:38:32What are positive things that have happened?
0:38:32 > 0:38:35I think the positive thing is I feel a bit more calmer,
0:38:35 > 0:38:39a bit more able to be in social situations
0:38:39 > 0:38:43and perhaps my mind's clearer, as well.
0:38:43 > 0:38:47That's the big thing, for me. I've not been overthinking things.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50Have you noticed any change in your sleep pattern yet?
0:38:50 > 0:38:54Initially, I was...I felt as if I was staying awake a bit more
0:38:54 > 0:38:58and I had a few...like a nightmare type symptom.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00What sort of nightmares?
0:39:00 > 0:39:02It was a kind of like I was awake in my sleep.
0:39:04 > 0:39:08And it sort of put me off going to sleep, so then I was staying up.
0:39:08 > 0:39:12- But that's passed now. - Passed now? Oh, good.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15Yeah, I think that was about two or three weeks into it.
0:39:15 > 0:39:16So, on a scale of zero to ten,
0:39:16 > 0:39:21if zero was where you started and ten is very well,
0:39:21 > 0:39:24where would you put yourself now?
0:39:24 > 0:39:28- Six, seven.- Six, seven?- Yeah. - That's very impressive.
0:39:28 > 0:39:30They've took to me well, you know.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33Other medications, I didn't have no faith in, but this one just...
0:39:33 > 0:39:36yeah, I feel more myself.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38But there is a sting in the tail for Scott.
0:39:38 > 0:39:42To build on the success of lithium so far,
0:39:42 > 0:39:45Dr Jha wants Scott to double his daily dose.
0:39:45 > 0:39:49- What did he say?- I need to double my dosage.- Right.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51Because my levels aren't quite higher,
0:39:51 > 0:39:54so he wants to stick me onto 800 instead of 400.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57Will they not get worse with it being a double dose?
0:39:57 > 0:40:01He never mentioned, so we've just got to see how it goes.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03Well, I just know when you first started taking them,
0:40:03 > 0:40:06- you felt quite poorly for a start, didn't you?- Yeah. Well...
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Could that happen again?
0:40:08 > 0:40:11Potentially. I'll see.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13- I feel well, so...- Yeah.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16If I have any problems, I can just contact him, can't I? So...
0:40:16 > 0:40:19But, again, you can say this now, because you've been good, just lately.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22When you're not good, will you still be saying the same then?
0:40:22 > 0:40:26Or will you be telling me off because I'm interfering and controlling and...
0:40:26 > 0:40:30- We'll wait and see, won't we? - Yeah.- We'll have to wait and see.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32Oh, well. Hopefully it won't come to that.
0:40:32 > 0:40:34Come on, kids. Jump in.
0:40:34 > 0:40:40Scott then surprises Hayley by agreeing to a trip to town with the family.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43MUSIC: Dog Shelter by Burial
0:40:54 > 0:40:57I mean, I'm pleased, but...
0:40:57 > 0:41:01you're the sweaty! You've got the hot hands.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04Keep following Daddy.
0:41:04 > 0:41:08I think they've definitely noticed that Daddy's calmer and happier
0:41:08 > 0:41:13and, you know, happy to be around us all and have us all together.
0:41:13 > 0:41:14I think he does try to do it.
0:41:14 > 0:41:18I think it's still there eating away at him, you know, the anxiety of it all,
0:41:18 > 0:41:22but he just tries to do it and tries to control it.
0:41:22 > 0:41:28MUSIC: Dog Shelter by Burial
0:41:28 > 0:41:31I do think that he can do this if he really wants to do it,
0:41:31 > 0:41:35but when he's low he's not himself,
0:41:35 > 0:41:40he's not always in control of what he's saying and what he's thinking
0:41:40 > 0:41:44and that's when I'm worried that he'll say, "No, I'm not doing any more."
0:41:44 > 0:41:48I believe lithium works better the longer you've been on it,
0:41:48 > 0:41:52so we're talking, like, years not weeks or days.
0:41:52 > 0:41:58I do think it's the beginning of the journey, but hopefully, he'll get through it.
0:41:58 > 0:42:02When Scott was first diagnosed, Hayley thought this was a breakthrough -
0:42:02 > 0:42:05Scott's behaviour will improve.
0:42:05 > 0:42:10Now she realises it's an illness she and the family will have to cope with the rest of his life.
0:42:13 > 0:42:17And Scott will have to accept taking medication is a vital part of that.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20There is no guarantee of the condition easing.
0:42:23 > 0:42:26MUSIC: BBC NEWS INTRO
0:42:27 > 0:42:30The American actor and comedian Robin Williams has been found dead
0:42:30 > 0:42:32at his home in California.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35Police say they believe he killed himself.
0:42:36 > 0:42:39The worst thing that has happened to me in terms of just reminding me
0:42:39 > 0:42:43of how serious this is was the suicide of Robin Williams.
0:42:43 > 0:42:47A man of such extraordinary grace and kindness.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50There's a myth around that manic people are all very happy people.
0:42:50 > 0:42:54They're often not - and having to be the funny person in the party
0:42:54 > 0:42:59and the one that everyone relies on to be the life and soul is very exhausting for a lot of people.
0:42:59 > 0:43:02And that's why some comedians and some very funny people
0:43:02 > 0:43:06become extremely depressed when they go down and often, of course, suicidal.
0:43:06 > 0:43:09And there are, as you know, many comedians who have actually killed themselves.
0:43:09 > 0:43:13- How many are born of your... I mean, it is...- It's a gene pool.
0:43:13 > 0:43:15- Of your gene pool? - PARKINSON:- You have children?
0:43:15 > 0:43:18When the gene pool's a Jacuzzi, this is what you get.
0:43:18 > 0:43:22- "You've had children?" Yes. "You have spawn?" Yes.- There must be a Robin Land somewhere
0:43:22 > 0:43:27- where there are more of you. Where you can, you know...- There's others who can speak this language.- Yes!
0:43:27 > 0:43:31It reminded me that this is not a condition that is ever going to go away.
0:43:31 > 0:43:35That what you're not talking about is curing me. You're talking about...
0:43:35 > 0:43:39how best I can cope with something that's going to live with me.
0:43:39 > 0:43:41Robin Williams's death just reminded me -
0:43:41 > 0:43:43he was older than me -
0:43:43 > 0:43:47that...these things, these ghosts, don't go away.
0:43:47 > 0:43:51No, but I think we can do lots to reduce the risk of anything...
0:43:51 > 0:43:54- Yeah.- ..awful happening to your thinking,
0:43:54 > 0:43:57so that it drives you towards doing something to yourself.
0:43:57 > 0:44:01- But I think you're right - you will have this for the rest of your life, in my view.- Yeah.
0:44:01 > 0:44:06We will do what we can to reduce the frequency of the attacks,
0:44:06 > 0:44:10but the tendency is for - as people get older,
0:44:10 > 0:44:14- for the interval between episodes tend to shorten slightly.- Yeah.
0:44:14 > 0:44:20But with good treatment we can make that as manageable as possible
0:44:21 > 0:44:26I am more alert now than I've ever been in my life to my own moods,
0:44:26 > 0:44:31but it's never going to get off my back, this monkey - this is always going to be there -
0:44:31 > 0:44:35and no matter how things seem to be going well,
0:44:35 > 0:44:38one day there's always the possibility of...
0:44:39 > 0:44:41..just me getting it wrong.
0:44:45 > 0:44:49Stephen now accepts just how dangerous his mental illness is.
0:44:52 > 0:44:55Managing it going forward is a daunting prospect,
0:44:55 > 0:44:57but Stephen's in his fifties.
0:44:57 > 0:45:02For a teenager discovering they are bipolar means decades of treatment
0:45:02 > 0:45:05and a life change for ever.
0:45:05 > 0:45:11Three months before - literally, no sign of anything -
0:45:11 > 0:45:13I was just...
0:45:13 > 0:45:16No one would have suspected.
0:45:16 > 0:45:20Six years ago, Rachel Edwards lived in this Norfolk village.
0:45:20 > 0:45:24She appeared a happy teenager but she wasn't.
0:45:24 > 0:45:29It would be kind of like at night time when I'm on my own,
0:45:29 > 0:45:35I used to cry and stuff, because I just felt so low, but I didn't know why.
0:45:35 > 0:45:40She had a couple of jobs, she worked at the swimming pool here as a lifeguard
0:45:40 > 0:45:43and she worked also in the old people's home, she did cleaning.
0:45:43 > 0:45:47And she suddenly started getting really tearful and tired
0:45:47 > 0:45:49and I said, "You're overdoing it."
0:45:49 > 0:45:54Looking back, we just thought, "Oh, she's just overworking. She just wants the money."
0:45:54 > 0:45:57I was very, very low for about a week and I couldn't stop crying.
0:45:57 > 0:46:00I didn't know what was wrong with me
0:46:00 > 0:46:05and then suddenly my mood started to elevate
0:46:05 > 0:46:09while I was away on a college trip to Amsterdam.
0:46:09 > 0:46:12MUSIC: Forever Lost by God Is An Astronaut
0:46:14 > 0:46:19When I was in Amsterdam, I went to an art gallery and I was looking at all the paintings
0:46:19 > 0:46:23and the letters he'd written and I had an idea that I was Van Gogh.
0:46:23 > 0:46:27MUSIC: Forever Lost by God Is An Astronaut
0:46:29 > 0:46:32The ferry trip back to England was rough.
0:46:32 > 0:46:35But Rachel decided she could control the weather.
0:46:35 > 0:46:38She was found on deck screaming at the storm.
0:46:41 > 0:46:44Her parents were called to take her home to Norfolk.
0:46:44 > 0:46:47That weekend, worried about leaving her,
0:46:47 > 0:46:51they brought Rachel with them to their London flat.
0:46:51 > 0:46:54I got her into bed and I fell asleep
0:46:54 > 0:46:58and then she had got up while I was asleep
0:46:58 > 0:47:01and that's when it happened.
0:47:01 > 0:47:06I got dressed into a nice outfit, put my bag on, done my make-up
0:47:06 > 0:47:08and went out onto the balcony.
0:47:13 > 0:47:16And there was some helicopters outside
0:47:16 > 0:47:19and I thought that they were there to film me
0:47:19 > 0:47:24coming out on the balcony and that they were going to film me flying.
0:47:24 > 0:47:28Because I felt like I was a really special person.
0:47:32 > 0:47:36And then I got up - because it was like a high ledge -
0:47:36 > 0:47:39and stood on that and jumped.
0:47:42 > 0:47:47I woke up and she wasn't there and it was kind of like, "Where is she?" I thought, "Oh, she'll be in the
0:47:47 > 0:47:52"kitchen, or something. She's gone to get something." And I went, and of course, the door was open -
0:47:52 > 0:47:54the balcony door was open -
0:47:54 > 0:47:59and I went out and she was sort of screaming down the bottom, sort of...
0:47:59 > 0:48:03Mum said I was screaming, "I don't want to die, I don't want to die."
0:48:03 > 0:48:07So no intention was suicidal when I was like this, it was just...
0:48:09 > 0:48:11..I was just very confused.
0:48:14 > 0:48:17The fall of 50 feet broke Rachel's back
0:48:17 > 0:48:20and she spent months in hospital.
0:48:21 > 0:48:25It's weird, because I can move my legs, so you wouldn't think
0:48:25 > 0:48:29I'm paralysed, but I'm actually paralysed from here down.
0:48:29 > 0:48:32When I got told I'd never be to walk again, that was just
0:48:32 > 0:48:36the worst feeling ever. I thought my life was over.
0:48:36 > 0:48:40The hospital diagnosed Rachel's broken body,
0:48:40 > 0:48:42but not immediately her broken mind.
0:48:43 > 0:48:47Perhaps, not surprisingly, because it usually takes between seven
0:48:47 > 0:48:51and eight years of people exhibiting really troubling behaviour
0:48:51 > 0:48:53before a true diagnosis is made.
0:48:54 > 0:48:57So, Rachel left the hospital still manic.
0:48:57 > 0:49:0118 months later, she had a second episode.
0:49:01 > 0:49:04This time, her friends saw it coming.
0:49:06 > 0:49:09Well, Mum found this earlier - this whole folder.
0:49:09 > 0:49:13This is some of the stuff that I did.
0:49:13 > 0:49:18- You remember writing all of this. - I remember just going manic with the colours and the pens.
0:49:18 > 0:49:22It just doesn't make any sense, at all.
0:49:22 > 0:49:26It just shows how random your thoughts were at the time.
0:49:26 > 0:49:29This was my head, if you know what I mean.
0:49:29 > 0:49:31Just all these things, all at once.
0:49:33 > 0:49:34You did go really childlike.
0:49:34 > 0:49:39Yeah. I think that's how we noticed, probably, the second episode was coming. It was...
0:49:39 > 0:49:41- Really excitable.- Yeah.
0:49:41 > 0:49:47When I got ill the second time, did you worry, like, that I was going to have another accident, or something?
0:49:47 > 0:49:49Yeah, I did. I was really worried.
0:49:49 > 0:49:52And you were, like, rolling around on the floor in the supermarket.
0:49:52 > 0:49:56- I can't even remember this.- We just stood there and cried, I think.
0:49:56 > 0:50:01We were just... Because it was such a shock, it was like, what's happened?
0:50:01 > 0:50:04Rachel's behaviour became more and more troubling,
0:50:04 > 0:50:07until one night she decided again to jump.
0:50:09 > 0:50:12I still had these feelings that I'd be able to fly,
0:50:12 > 0:50:15despite everything that happened to me.
0:50:15 > 0:50:19I went upstairs one night and I got dressed up again
0:50:19 > 0:50:24and I thought someone was sitting outside my window
0:50:24 > 0:50:26and that I was going to fly off with them.
0:50:26 > 0:50:29I went to bed and I thought,
0:50:29 > 0:50:33I'll do it later when everyone's asleep.
0:50:33 > 0:50:37I went to bed and luckily didn't wake up until the morning
0:50:37 > 0:50:40and then I had different ideas by the morning.
0:50:42 > 0:50:44I always hate that.
0:50:44 > 0:50:47It took that second attempt to jump before Rachel
0:50:47 > 0:50:51was formally diagnosed bipolar and prescribed medication.
0:50:53 > 0:50:58Despite that, she still has severe mood swings and is judged at risk.
0:50:58 > 0:51:02Her mental health nurse wants her to agree to being sectioned
0:51:02 > 0:51:05if her behaviour becomes extreme again.
0:51:05 > 0:51:08You know, if things got really bad we would actually...
0:51:08 > 0:51:11I don't know what your thoughts are about using the Mental Health Act
0:51:11 > 0:51:14as a last resort, I guess, for you.
0:51:14 > 0:51:18- I don't really know what that is. - The Mental Health Act would be where, if you felt -
0:51:18 > 0:51:22"Pete, I'm not going to go into hospital, I'm feeling too great, things are amazing..."
0:51:22 > 0:51:27- and I was really concerned about knowing where this could lead in terms of your elevated mood...- Yeah.
0:51:27 > 0:51:32..we consider having you in hospital for a little while until we can get you back to stable again.
0:51:32 > 0:51:36I do get low, I do get the low days, like I was saying last time,
0:51:36 > 0:51:40but I try and get myself out of them.
0:51:40 > 0:51:44- We need to watch both ends of the spectrum, do know what I mean? - Mm-hmm.
0:51:44 > 0:51:47- Hopefully, that won't happen, but... - Yeah, no, hopefully not.
0:51:47 > 0:51:52Because we've got all these other stages in between to prevent that, but we have to talk about the...
0:51:52 > 0:51:55- The last resort. - The last resort, yeah.- Yeah.
0:51:55 > 0:51:58We need to take steps to ensure her safety
0:51:58 > 0:52:02and if Rachel's gone beyond the point where she would come in for a voluntary admission
0:52:02 > 0:52:05and has lost capacity due to the mental state,
0:52:05 > 0:52:08then we need to protect her from herself
0:52:08 > 0:52:11and so we need to get her into hospital where we can stabilise it
0:52:11 > 0:52:14and get her back to her normal self as quickly as possible.
0:52:23 > 0:52:25Didn't I plants some blackberries?
0:52:25 > 0:52:27- No.- Blueberries?
0:52:27 > 0:52:30- The blueberries. - Yeah, they died.- Oh.
0:52:30 > 0:52:33- I was telling Dad last night... - Yeah?
0:52:33 > 0:52:36..if I was to get ill again,
0:52:36 > 0:52:40bringing me up here would probably be the best thing.
0:52:40 > 0:52:43Yeah, it's very therapeutic.
0:52:43 > 0:52:48She's very brave and she'd had a lot of pain.
0:52:48 > 0:52:53You do question, why her? You know, what has she done to deserve it?
0:52:53 > 0:52:58But it's not up to us, is it? How these things happen, they just happen.
0:53:00 > 0:53:05Knowing now she's bipolar faces Rachel with a familiar challenge.
0:53:05 > 0:53:09Familiar, that is, to the mentally ill.
0:53:09 > 0:53:14People don't understand mental health, or they don't know about bipolar
0:53:14 > 0:53:20and I thought, if I told people the truth that I'd jumped off the balcony
0:53:20 > 0:53:25because I thought I could fly, then people are just going to think I'm absolutely nuts.
0:53:25 > 0:53:30Which is why when people asked me, I'd just say, "Oh, I fell off a balcony."
0:53:30 > 0:53:35But one day I saw the Mental Health Awareness Day on TV
0:53:35 > 0:53:37and it just got me thinking
0:53:37 > 0:53:43and I just decided to write a blog about it - about my accident
0:53:43 > 0:53:47and about mental health - to raise awareness, really.
0:53:47 > 0:53:52I shared it on Facebook. The response I had was just amazing.
0:53:52 > 0:53:57I'd never expected that and it was just so positive comments
0:53:57 > 0:53:59and messages and e-mails.
0:54:01 > 0:54:05Encouraged by the reaction to going public about being bipolar,
0:54:05 > 0:54:10Rachel is now determined to take her experience to those who most need help.
0:54:10 > 0:54:14She's training in Norwich to be a peer support worker
0:54:14 > 0:54:17for people with mental health problems.
0:54:17 > 0:54:21So, why would that help somebody, do you reckon, hearing how you did it?
0:54:21 > 0:54:23They might feel more open in hearing our story.
0:54:23 > 0:54:28The other week on one of the workshops, I was chatting to a lady afterwards
0:54:28 > 0:54:32and when I left her, she said, "You've actually really inspired me."
0:54:32 > 0:54:35And that was really nice, because...
0:54:35 > 0:54:39that is going to be part of our role, really -
0:54:39 > 0:54:42to inspire.
0:54:46 > 0:54:49Three months later,
0:54:49 > 0:54:53she got what she never imagined would be possible again - a job.
0:54:53 > 0:54:58Actually getting a job, to me, is massive.
0:55:01 > 0:55:05One of my older brothers actually said to me after my accident,
0:55:05 > 0:55:08"One day you'll use what you've been through to help others."
0:55:08 > 0:55:11I didn't really ever think about it, but now I'm doing this,
0:55:11 > 0:55:14it kind of feels like I am meant to be doing it.
0:55:17 > 0:55:20Being open about her mental illness is now central to how Rachel
0:55:20 > 0:55:24lives her life and how she intends to survive with her condition.
0:55:26 > 0:55:32I didn't lose any friends, they gradually brought me back into the world
0:55:32 > 0:55:36and they'd come round and see me, sit with me while I cried...
0:55:39 > 0:55:44They don't feel sorry for me, they just include me in everything.
0:55:44 > 0:55:46Let's get in front of the stage, right.
0:55:46 > 0:55:48ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:55:52 > 0:55:58We've been to festivals, even though it's hard in the mud getting around,
0:55:58 > 0:56:01they always include me in everything.
0:56:01 > 0:56:03Which is what you want really.
0:56:03 > 0:56:06I wouldn't want people feeling sorry for me.
0:56:06 > 0:56:09Because...
0:56:09 > 0:56:12to me, now, I'm just...I'm fine.
0:56:17 > 0:56:22Ten years on, it's still difficult for people who are bipolar.
0:56:22 > 0:56:26They struggle to take medication, to get quicker treatment
0:56:26 > 0:56:29and to live with stigma and the fear of it.
0:56:31 > 0:56:36But as Stephen knows, people like Rachel show a way forward.
0:56:36 > 0:56:40The triumph of spirit over misfortune.
0:56:40 > 0:56:43He hopes we get the message.
0:56:43 > 0:56:47I'm very proud of the fact that as president of Mind,
0:56:47 > 0:56:50it's more talked about, politicians talk about it more.
0:56:50 > 0:56:53You know, it's in the culture more and it's understood more
0:56:53 > 0:56:57and it's extremely pleasing that so many people
0:56:57 > 0:57:00do make a difference and care about it.
0:57:00 > 0:57:04As always, it's the young who are so much more sympathetic now
0:57:04 > 0:57:06than other generations before.
0:57:06 > 0:57:10They're so much better informed and that can only increase.
0:57:10 > 0:57:15Because you have to find a way for us as a society
0:57:15 > 0:57:18to value everyone - including the mentally ill.
0:57:18 > 0:57:21And, in fact, the mentally ill perhaps more than anyone,
0:57:21 > 0:57:26because they are a submerged minority, but a huge one
0:57:26 > 0:57:30and their difficulties make life harder for them to deal with
0:57:30 > 0:57:33and to find the right way through.
0:57:33 > 0:57:34They really do.
0:57:38 > 0:57:42Subtitles by Ericsson