0:00:02 > 0:00:03Meet Derek Thornton.
0:00:03 > 0:00:10I'm an international sodbuster. That's what they call a poor farmer down here in County Fermanagh.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13You have to be an eejit to be a farmer, in my opinion.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17Holidays? Where would I get time to go on holidays when I have to feed all them cattle?
0:00:17 > 0:00:21If I'm not feeding the cattle, I'm feeding the sheep.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25- If I'm not feeding sheep, I'm feeding cattle. And it's the same- BLEEP!- every day.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29I should have done more with me life. I'm always dreaming about things I should've done.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Pass the indigestion pills!
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Derek's going on the high seas!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38- HE BURPS Oh,- BLEEP!
0:00:38 > 0:00:41She is going, boys, this time now. Are you directing now?
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Would you have a bit of manners? You'll scare the life out of me!
0:00:45 > 0:00:50- It's a good bit from here to Rossnowlagh and I'm about to fall into the- BLEEP!- loch.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53You'll soon get your arse wet!
0:01:16 > 0:01:19You don't really see fear in his eyes until you take him
0:01:19 > 0:01:22out of somewhere where he doesn't know what's going to happen
0:01:22 > 0:01:25and then you see him just go white in the face
0:01:25 > 0:01:28and then he's wondering what's going to happen, and "Where's Mammy?"
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Derek's home is surrounded by water,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35but he has always been too busy farming to enjoy it.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Look at them boats, boys. Hmm? Peaceful.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43I wonder where I'd ever get the price of one of them.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45You'd want to be a millionaire.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48I lived here all my life and I've never been out on the lake,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51and I'd love to get a go on one of them.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Some day, I will, but I'd rather have a sailing boat.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59She wouldn't take any diesel or power, and she'd just trudge along herself.
0:01:59 > 0:02:05The wind would be down. You'd sit there, and when it'd come up, it'd bring you, as far as I know.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10It would be more relaxed than a motorboat. Never seen any of them about this part of the world,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13but someday, I'll see one some place and I'll get a go on one.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Well, your dream is about to come true, Derek!
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Swapping his wellies for sandals,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32the Sodbuster's enrolled on a sailing course.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36I'm looking for Dave.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- That's me. You must be Derek. - I'm Derek. What's left of me.
0:02:40 > 0:02:46Derek, just stop there for a second. Can you take your shoes off and just walk across the gangplank?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Hi, Derek. Great to meet you.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I'll tell you one thing - you didn't come out to me, I notice.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Derek, this is your home for the next week.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03I'm going to show you around and hopefully you're going to enjoy every second of it.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07Are you going to teach me how to sail this yoke? I call her...
0:03:07 > 0:03:10The yacht? Oh yes, we'll do our best to teach you how to sail.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14- Am I going to be any danger? - No. You're in very safe hands.
0:03:14 > 0:03:19I'll tell you one thing, we're not moving much and yet she's rocking like a duck in thunder.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Tell me this, whereabouts in the world are we now? What sea are we on, like?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26This is the Adriatic. We're off Croatia.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Off Croatia? The Adriatic?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- I never heard tell of it. It's not on the map, is it? - It is, mate. It is.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34It'll be surely on the map when we leave, I assure you that.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Want me to give me your bag and I'll get that below
0:03:37 > 0:03:39and take you below to show you around?
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Would you mind turning round and come down the companionway backwards?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45- What you mean is arse down it? - Yeah. Backwards.
0:03:45 > 0:03:51Backwards. Do you think I wouldn't have walked down that frontways?
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- I don't want you falling over and hitting your head, Derek.- Oh, I see.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59David, there's not an awful lot of room in here, eh?
0:03:59 > 0:04:03It's fine for two people, Derek. Not that big.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06You have got lots of storage down each side in these little lockers,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09and a big locker here to hang your dinner jacket and stuff.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14OK, Derek. As you rightly guessed, that's the toilet. You sit down on it all the time.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17That way we get no mess around the heads and it'll smell sweet.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19It wouldn't take rocket science to know that.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23But even if you're urinating, Derek, I'd ask you to sit down.
0:04:23 > 0:04:30The first thing you've got to do is move this lever on the top of the pump across to the left-hand side
0:04:30 > 0:04:33and then you need to pump on here 12 times.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35You can have a dry run, as they say.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37D'you think my big arse will fit on this?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40It's the aim that's important.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Just aim for the pot?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43That's right.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Flick her over. Pump her up.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47That's it.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49- Flick her back.- Yes.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51And then pump her again.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52And then pump it dry.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56You need to have a good 12 pumps when you're getting rid of the waste material.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01I'll wait until I get on land. I'll be more comfortable. She'll not be rocking.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- That's up to you. That's up to you. - In emergency, she's grand.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- Just keep your mind focused during the day, Derek.- Yes.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09We have a shower, which is just here.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Which comes out so you can shower yourself off.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Remember, Derek, you're going to be doing boat showers.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19It is none of this three hours in the shower.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I wouldn't be two minutes in the shower.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23So here we have two sinks. We have a small sink
0:05:23 > 0:05:28and we have a large sink, which is where we do the washing up.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Here we have the fridge.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33We have yoghurts, we have cheese, we have soft drinks.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Have you got any nice rhubarb pie in there, David, hey?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39No, we haven't. We've got nice, healthy apples
0:05:39 > 0:05:41and you can make me a nice pie in the oven.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43The oven is on what's called a gimbal,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46so she'll rock backwards and forwards as we are sailing along.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Here we have a gas kettle.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53Just sit on there. It's held tight in place with these two...
0:05:53 > 0:05:56and she won't move, even as the boat rocks backwards and forwards.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Does that kettle whistle? - Yes, it does, Derek.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03- And when she stops whistling, she's boiling?- That's right.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Then it's time for you to make the tea. - It's near time we got the tea, hey.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07The chart table.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10This chart shows you where we're going to go.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11We'll have a look at that in a bit.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14We'll talk about the equipment around here,
0:06:14 > 0:06:16how we can call other boats up, make a distress call.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20When we put the sails up and take the sails down, etc,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I'll ask you to go forward and then I'll ask you
0:06:23 > 0:06:28to clip on to this thing here, which is called your jack stay. Treat it like a dog. You walk along.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31We'll go up the bow and look at what's up there.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Like a pup, tied to that.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- This part of the boat's called the pulpit.- The pulpit?
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Yes, the pulpit. Where the vicar stands and gives a sermon on Sunday.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I'll do vicar on Sunday for yous.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44This is called the Kate Winslet seat.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Who is she, tell me?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Kate Winslet? She's an actress. She's in the film, Titanic.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53I heard tell of the Titanic, but I never heard tell of Kate Winslow.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56This'll want to be a hell of a lot safer boat than the Titanic.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59The Titanic only stayed up about 1,500 mile.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06The boat tour out of the way, it's time to cast off.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12Derek's doing a competent crew course designed by sailing experts.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I wonder, does Dave know what he is letting himself in for?
0:07:16 > 0:07:21Soon, they're heading out to sea between Croatia and Italy.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25He may be fearless on solid ground, but Derek's already getting worried.
0:07:27 > 0:07:33- Skipper, she's bumpy enough here. You told me there'd be no waves. - This isn't a wave. This is a ripple.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38I didn't know what the hell you'll call a wave if that's a ripple. That's the truth!
0:07:38 > 0:07:41You'll have bigger things than this in your bathtub.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43If you feel seasick on the boat,
0:07:43 > 0:07:47you've got to know where the wind is coming from. OK?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- Your wind's coming from that way, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:07:49 > 0:07:54- If you're going to vomit, which way are you going to vomit? - Out that side.- Thank you.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- If you're going to break wind, turn and let it go that way, too. - Exactly.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- That way, it all flows off the boat. - Right.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04What's this here for, David? She is going around at 120 and 150.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07That's your compass, telling you which direction you're pointing in.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12We'll go over to yon lighthouse yonder, way up...ten mile away.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- What, this one down here? - See yon one yonder?
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- That's actually a sailboat. - Hey?- This one down here?- Aye.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21That's a sailboat.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25I'll have to go to the optician's when I go home.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I haven't a bloody notion where I am.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I might as well be in Bundoran, hey.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- Is this the Atlantic?- No, sir.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34That's an ocean. This is a sea.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- Oh, this is a sea?- Yeah. We're in the Adriatic.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- Adriatic.- Yeah.- I never heard tell of it. Is that saltwater?- It is.
0:08:41 > 0:08:46When you go swimming, you'll be buoyant because the Mediterranean's a salty sea.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51I'm definitely not getting into the water to swim at 30...at 100 foot. No way.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54That's all right. You'll be buoyant. Come on.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I'll not be buoyant, for I'm not getting in!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03It's not long before the wind gets up,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06and this is what sailing's all about.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Derek's beginning to have second thoughts.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Go on now, boys.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- BLEEP! BLEEP! - Soon get your arse wet!
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- HE BURPS - BLEEP!
0:09:27 > 0:09:31I'm puffing like a horse. I was sure she was going to tumble.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34I thought there was nobody at the wheel when I looked round.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- She's going, boys, this time now! - BLEEP!- I'm not going to get up.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43He's keeping his head down.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Now she's definitely going to tumble this time.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51I thought this was going to be a great experience of a lifetime
0:09:51 > 0:09:52to sail on this yoke.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Here we go.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- I will hold onto you. You'll fall out.- Sorry?
0:10:03 > 0:10:07- Put that rope here. Hold onto that rope.- I'm going nowhere.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Poor Derek!
0:10:13 > 0:10:18We're on our side, don't you know, at 100 degrees? She's damn nearly over.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22If I had the chainsaw, I'd cut that damn thing down and she'd level up,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24or the quick cut, or some damn thing.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27I'm sitting like a duck in thunder. You'd think I was clucking eggs.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29I'm not getting up, either.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31He can drive away to hell himself.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Derek, would you feel happier if you couldn't see what was going on?
0:10:35 > 0:10:39- I'm all right, when she's level, no problem.- Yeah.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- You know what I mean?- Yeah.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I don't like to get me money wet or lose it,
0:10:44 > 0:10:47because I know in there we're going to go.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Derek's stomach's beginning to bubble.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58It's a good job you gave us no dinner.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Are you sure she'd definitely not tumble?
0:11:03 > 0:11:04She won't tumble, Derek.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07I'll tell you what, Derek, if she tumbles and you die,
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I'll pay for your coffin.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- Where the hell will you be? - I'll be dead, too.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Well, how would you pay for it? You clatty eejit, you!
0:11:16 > 0:11:23Now, I was managing her real well and she was going about 3mph, and now you are up to 11mph
0:11:23 > 0:11:27and then you started and you wheeshted her over like this here.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Like what, where?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Ah now, don't be at it. You're acting now.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Well, this is hilarious now. This is Cat Maloney altogether. Ohh.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40It's just 11 miles an hour.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- Get her flat!- I can't, because I want to go that way.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47What way? Do you know the way you're going? You're going that way!
0:11:47 > 0:11:51I'm afraid to let out that. She is going on her side.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53The wind's blowing her on her side, hey.
0:11:53 > 0:11:59There's a 40 mile an hour wind now, and we're out in the middle of the Sateatic Sea,
0:11:59 > 0:12:04or whatever he called her. Now she's up on her arse, or side, or wherever she'll be.
0:12:04 > 0:12:09Come on, Derek. Come and have a go. Just try it like this.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12All I want you to do... I'll be just down here.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- Is your farm on a hill, Derek? - No, it's not on a hill. It's on flat, sure.
0:12:15 > 0:12:20- So you haven't got one leg longer than the other? - Definitely not one leg, no.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29- BLEEP!- Fell in there. Do you see the angle I'm at now?
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Where do you want me to head her for - Brockagh(?)
0:12:33 > 0:12:38I want you to sail as close to the wind as you can, Derek. Something like that.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- Can you feel the boat? - I can feel the pull on her.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45There's a bit of a pull on the wheel, but see how the boat feels now.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Remember, that's the middle of the wheel.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- OK?- Whoa! Did you see that? I slipped down beside you.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Stop getting so intimate. My wife won't like it!
0:12:54 > 0:12:59She's not here! You'd be quite near at that angle, wouldn't you?!
0:12:59 > 0:13:03You are going to keep the middle of the wheel somewhere about...
0:13:03 > 0:13:08- somewhere about here, and... - Don't you fall out now, because I can't do without you.
0:13:08 > 0:13:13Derek, will you excuse me? I just need to go and make an entry in the log.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16OK? You just keep that wheel where she is.
0:13:16 > 0:13:21- OK? So you just... - Now don't you leave. Just you sit where you are.
0:13:21 > 0:13:27- We will put the log in tomorrow. - No. Legally I have to keep a log, Derek.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I'm going to go and make my log entry. I'll be back in a couple of minutes.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33You just keep going like this. You are doing perfect. OK?
0:13:33 > 0:13:37There's nobody else around. There's no rocks to hit. So go on, then.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40This is it, Derek goes solo. All right?
0:13:42 > 0:13:47Well, I'll have nobody to chat to. That's something now, do you see? He is away now.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51He's left me handling the whole situation.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54He is laughing his leg off at me, the clatty eejit.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56It's a clatty eejit I am.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Dave knew Derek could do it.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13If I seen something coming the other way now, I'd put me head between me legs and kiss me arse goodbye.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15That's what I would do - him, boat and all.
0:14:19 > 0:14:25The journey takes them to the Port of Sali, and now Derek's even coping with parking.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- A bit of a stern, Derek, please. - Happy enough?
0:14:30 > 0:14:35- That's the first time I parked a ship of this size, Skipper. - And nicely done too, Derek.
0:14:37 > 0:14:43Time for some shore leave, and a chat with the local fishermen.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53MEN SPEAK IN CROATIAN
0:14:53 > 0:14:58- Good morning again.- Good morning. Morning, Boss. How are you? - Very good. Very good.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- This is Derek. - Yes. Have you been fishing?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Yes, yes, big fish.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Them's like perch.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10The fish is very, very nice.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12He's alive, hey.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Is he more valuable than these ones?
0:15:15 > 0:15:16This one is good for...
0:15:16 > 0:15:21- Soup.- For soup. For risotto.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23- And something else... - Aphrodisiac.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29That boy? I don't think that'd be good for your sex life.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34If you were tickling her with that, she'd give some roars out of her.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36DEREK CHUCKLES
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Next stop on Derek's journey was Croatia's donkey sanctuary.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44And Derek knows a lot about donkeys...
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I see no donkeys yet. I hear donkeys, but I see none.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- Just over your right shoulder, Derek.- But we'll see them now.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I see one yonder in the trees, he is tethered.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Maybe he's not tethered. I see two. That's far better.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01They are affectionate old dolls. They live a long time.
0:16:03 > 0:16:09Other tourists clearly recognise the international Sodbuster and burst into song.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12THEY SING IN FRENCH
0:16:22 > 0:16:26A great welcome. It's a mighty welcome we got, hey!
0:16:26 > 0:16:30They're glad to see Paddy. No matter where he goes, he's welcome, Paddy.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32They must have known I was from Derrylin, hey!
0:16:34 > 0:16:35You have me brothers here(?)
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Little donkeys.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40We have donkeys here, yeah.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44The last eight years, we bring them here in our park.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48We present shelter for donkeys.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Right now, we have about 50 of them.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- 50?- We want to keep genetic base.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58My ranger didn't know... is a male or female.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- Is it a female now or a male? - Female. Female.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Think I'll bring it home with me, lads.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- I think I'll put it in the bag.- OK.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Will you take 100 quid for it?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27How are you, me brother, eh?
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Back on the high seas, Derek's confidence is growing all the time.
0:17:33 > 0:17:38Skipping along. Skipping along. We're washing on the side of her now
0:17:38 > 0:17:42and the other side, we turned the boat over this side now.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Skipping along.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Got the mileage up, 17 miles an hour now.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53- So you got a feel for the boat now? - BLEEP!- She's on a brave slope.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Yeah, she is on a bit of a slope.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Come a bit closer to the wind, if you like.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58That way there?
0:17:58 > 0:18:03Next on the agenda is a night sail.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04OK, there you go, Derek, off you go.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Just keep the boat sailing along how she is now.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11You know how she feels, and you got a slight flappy sail
0:18:11 > 0:18:15so you want to steer away from the wind just a little bit.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23You'd think I was going to rob a bank, I'm blindfolded.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Are we doing all right, Skipper? - You're doing great.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Apart from this fishing boat which has just gone starboard bow.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Where's the fish?
0:18:30 > 0:18:34- BLEEP!- She must be an awful slope on her.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Towards me, Derek. Derek, if you're in doubt, let go of the wheel.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Let go of the wheel. Get confidence. Let go of the wheel. OK?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47What's happening to the boat now?
0:18:47 > 0:18:48There you go.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Just let her keep going round that way. Just trust me.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54If in doubt, let her go.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Now for the real thing.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15I am kind of an old granny in the dark.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16I am afraid of the dark.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19I'd be afraid I could meet the wee fairies, you know?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Got any fairies in this country?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24No fairies. There are a few ferries.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- There are what?- A few ferries.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- I'm talking about wee boys. - No, no, none of those.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I'd hardly think there'd be any out on the loch.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33It's not going to be totally dark tonight.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38If you look up behind you, there is quite a nice moon there,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41which is going to help our job tonight.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Would that be the same moon as we have at home?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46It would be exactly the same moon as you'd have at home.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50If your missus is out looking at the moon, you're looking at the same thing.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55I'd rather be looking at her than looking at that Black Sea tonight, I can assure you!
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Talking of the auld lassie, it's time for a message home.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Hello, Mother, you'd never believe what I'm doing now.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11I'm sailing in the dark, hey. I'm sailing in the dark, so I am.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15And it's nearly half nine at night on the Sunday,
0:20:15 > 0:20:18on the Adriatic Sea.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21I hope yous is getting on all right without me.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25If the weather is as good at home as it has been here, it'll be grand.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Yesterday, it was hairy.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31They tumbled the boat, and me hair got wet and me socks got wet.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33I thought it was the end of me.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37But the weather has been great today. The sailing has went great.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40The skipper is grand. 100%.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43We met a fisherman today, and he was giving me an abrodisiac -
0:20:43 > 0:20:48whatever the hell it was - and he said I'd need it. I don't think I'll need it.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I hope you know what it is, for I don't know much about it.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55But maybe, you know, when I get home I MIGHT need it. Good night, Mother.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- Can you see that fishing boat? - I'm seeing him out there.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03I can't make out his nav light, but I'm pretty sure it's gone red now.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- Is it red now? - Yeah. So he's changed direction.
0:21:06 > 0:21:11- He has changed direction?- Yes. So don't change direction. - We'll follow him?- No, we won't!
0:21:11 > 0:21:13DEREK LAUGHS
0:21:13 > 0:21:14We'll just keep going on.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20I can hardly see me finger.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22What about a song, Derek?
0:21:22 > 0:21:26# Red sails in the sunset
0:21:26 > 0:21:31# The sun is now gone
0:21:31 > 0:21:33# Do do, do do do
0:21:33 > 0:21:37# Sailing sweet home. #
0:21:37 > 0:21:40That's all I know. That's all I can do for you!
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Well, you can't blame him. Poor soul was up all night sailing.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57The pirates might have been here.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01They might have robbed him and sunk him, would they? And drowned him.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05I can't think so, Derek. I think the guy just made a mistake.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Is there any danger we'd hit rock like that or hit her?
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Not at all, Derek.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14We're staying well clear of any obstacles in the ocean.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Now, he didn't stay well clear of them. He ran into them.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22If I were up a bit tighter to her, David, there, you and I could raise her and salvage her
0:22:22 > 0:22:25and maybe we'd be able to buy a bit of land in France.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29I think that's close enough for me. I don't want to go and join her.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Well, neither do I, for I want to get home soon.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Yeah, your cattle must be missing you. So must your missus.
0:22:35 > 0:22:40They'll be there when I get back, wait till you see. They'll think the more of me.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Some coffee, Skipper?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Thanks, Derek.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Strong stuff or weak?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Strong, please, Derek.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50White or brown?
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- Black.- Black.
0:22:56 > 0:23:01I will get this yoke here, the cafetiere, and put some into her.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Oh. She's not this lady.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Two-and-a-half levels. Ohhh!
0:23:12 > 0:23:13He will go mad.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19He'll go stone mad.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30He will not know. What he doesn't know will not do him any harm.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36It never happened.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45There's a bad stroop on this kettle, Davey, Skipper.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Push-a-daisy, he says.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57I never seen that jammy jug in my life. Never even knew that existed.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00I'm always used to taking black tea,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03but the smell of that is not good for you.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09That'll be doing him. That'll be strong enough. It looks bully.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Now, Skipper, taste that.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15See I did make it right for you...
0:24:15 > 0:24:18because you're not that hard to please, I hope, like myself.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Try it, taste it.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23We might keep you on to be our galley slave.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Excuse me now, boys, I want some privacy.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32I'm going to the hedge, or what they call the lavatory, or whatever.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37It's damn small in here now.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45CISTERN GURGLES
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Hey, David!
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I can't get it to work.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51HE CRANKS THE CISTERN
0:24:51 > 0:24:53David, hey! Come down here!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58There's no water coming here, and no dung going out!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Hang on, I think I might have her.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Pull it a bit to port!
0:25:10 > 0:25:14MUSIC: "Viva La Vida" by Coldplay
0:25:33 > 0:25:36# I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
0:25:36 > 0:25:39# Roman cavalry choirs are singing
0:25:39 > 0:25:42# Be my mirror, my sword and shield
0:25:42 > 0:25:46# My missionaries in a foreign field
0:25:46 > 0:25:50# For some reason I can't explain... #
0:25:50 > 0:25:54You see me hat, hey? I got the idea of it off Darryl Grimason
0:25:54 > 0:25:58when I was watching television one night on BBC.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I just took the idea home...with me
0:26:01 > 0:26:04and I bought that and put it on me. It will keep the sun off me.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07It's bully. It'll do me when I'm putting in the hay.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09It'll keep the hay seeds out of me hair.
0:26:09 > 0:26:14Do you think we ought to put in a tack before we stop suddenly on this land in front of us(?)
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Right, we better change direction. Put in an attack.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19- Ready about.- Ready about!
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Ready.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Attack! Helms to lee! Ready!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Derek can't remember what instructions to shout...
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Helms to lee.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33- Go. I said I'm ready. - Ready, helms to lee. - Which way are you turning?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35I'm turning into the wind.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37OK. You are turning that way, aren't you?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39..or where he's heading...
0:26:39 > 0:26:44- BLEEP!- The wind's coming from that way. Helms to lee.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Pull, boss!
0:26:48 > 0:26:52I'll give you "pull, boss" in a minute!
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I have the hang of her now, no bother.
0:26:56 > 0:27:01I could get around the world. I'm telling ya. No bother.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09My dream is fulfilled now. I sailed on this Adriatic Sea.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12It is not too bad considering I'm only an old sodbuster.
0:27:12 > 0:27:21# People wait a lifetime for a moment like this... #
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Derek, I have to say thank you very much.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25It's been an absolutely fantastic week.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28It's been a pleasure to have you on the boat.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Congratulations, Mr Incompetent...Competent Crew!
0:27:31 > 0:27:35Tell me this, would I be able to take that yoke out and sail her myself when I come back?
0:27:35 > 0:27:40- Not yourself, Derek, but you'd be welcome to come back. - Would you have me back?
0:27:40 > 0:27:44- I'd have you on my boat any day. It's been a pleasure.- Not so bad. Bully craic. Good luck to you!
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Just before heading home,
0:27:48 > 0:27:52Derek wants to see the kind of yachts that millionaires own.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02I was hoping to meet the Chelsea owner Romach Avenkovich(!)
0:28:02 > 0:28:05and David Beckham and Bernie Ecclestone.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09They're all big yachting fans, but I didn't see them.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13If we had a yacht like that, we'd never get it through Enniskillen.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17- It'd get stuck on the West Bridge. - Next time on Derek's Dreaming Again...
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Guess what we have here, Derek?
0:28:19 > 0:28:21We have some additional protein.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25And this is protein that you can find very easily.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28It's the common earthworm.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34No. I don't think you could eat him.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Get it down you!
0:28:36 > 0:28:38HE GURGLES
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:54 > 0:28:58E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk