0:00:08 > 0:00:09In late 2015,
0:00:09 > 0:00:14I started making a documentary with renowned journalist Liam Clarke.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19In his career, Liam broke some of the biggest stories of the Troubles.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Three years ago, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35We were making a film about how people deal with death.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40I seem to get on better with people after the Troubles,
0:00:40 > 0:00:42because obviously I was writing things
0:00:42 > 0:00:45that, maybe, people would be more annoyed at, and I sometimes
0:00:45 > 0:00:48wonder if people are being nicer to me because I'm ill, you know.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52I don't really need to be treated with kid gloves.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53I'm not that far down yet.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01We couldn't have known that our time working together
0:01:01 > 0:01:03would be shorter than we hoped.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Liam's family wanted to help tell this story.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13It has made him want to de-mystify the process,
0:01:13 > 0:01:17for other people as well as himself and the family.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20I thought of sending ashes up in a rocket and so on,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23but I think I'll not bother with that now.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28When you're young, you hear about people dying and you basically think
0:01:28 > 0:01:31that's for somebody else. You don't realise the finality of it.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35As you get older, you do, and I think it changes your prospective.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37I think it's a very valuable thing to recognise.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59The first time I met Liam,
0:01:59 > 0:02:03I was struck by the vast amount of stuff that was packed into his home.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05We used to travel abroad a lot
0:02:05 > 0:02:08before they started weighing it on planes,
0:02:08 > 0:02:11and I brought lots of things back.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14For instance, can you believe that they would let you put that in your
0:02:14 > 0:02:15luggage from the Dominican Republic?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Bringing back solid mahogany.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22His house was full of mementos from holidays,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25exotic Eastern artefacts and mountains of books.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Buddhism gives you an interest in sort of exotic things.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Those are Thai Buddhas there, dancing Buddhas.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Do you do the dusting, Liam?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Well, in Zen you're supposed to be spare
0:02:38 > 0:02:40and have clean lines and all that,
0:02:40 > 0:02:41but I haven't quite mastered that yet!
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Liam was not what I expected, with his mix of Eastern mysticism and
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Northern Ireland politics.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I would do, probably, most of my work on the phones.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56So this is my normal environment, this room.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00It was a tip. His office was the messiest room in the house.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05Books, tapes, research papers, chewing gum stuck to the desk.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07How did he get any work done?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12During the Troubles, security was the main interest,
0:03:12 > 0:03:17exposing abuses by the state or who was behind paramilitary campaigns.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19It was a good opportunity to be a journalist,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21although tragic circumstances.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Liam's 30-year career as a journalist was impressive,
0:03:29 > 0:03:31and pretty intimidating.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34He had personally broken some of the biggest stories of the Troubles.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I don't really go along with the idea that there are several truths
0:03:38 > 0:03:40and everybody has a truth.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Something happens and I think that it is the job of the press
0:03:43 > 0:03:45to tell you what happens.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50He had a reputation for being fearless in pursuit of a story.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I've breached official secrecies, I've annoyed people.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55When we were in the middle of a conflict,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57I wanted to find out what was going on
0:03:57 > 0:03:58and people didn't want you to know.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Liam persisted, even in the face of
0:04:02 > 0:04:05death threats from paramilitaries and
0:04:05 > 0:04:06legal threats from the state.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10There's one from the Sunday Times.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12There was an injunction against me writing about
0:04:12 > 0:04:14material that I discovered, you know,
0:04:14 > 0:04:18I'd been arrested and so on, and then they did this picture of
0:04:18 > 0:04:21my hands stapled to the desks so I can't do my work.
0:04:22 > 0:04:28I've always been fascinated by espionage, official secrecy, how...
0:04:28 > 0:04:30you know, what makes people loyal to each other,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33what makes people betray each other.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I've always been interested in that,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I think it's really essential in human nature.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Kathy, where's the evidence bags?
0:04:44 > 0:04:45In the garage.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Liam wanted to show me evidence
0:04:48 > 0:04:51of one of his most notorious run-ins with authority.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Liam's wife, Kathy, was also a successful journalist.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01They had written a controversial biography of Martin McGuinness.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03It got them into a bit of bother.
0:05:04 > 0:05:09We were both arrested and put into the Serious Crime Suite
0:05:09 > 0:05:11in Antrim Police Station.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15This was over the tapped phone calls of Martin McGuinness,
0:05:15 > 0:05:16which we published in the book.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Once you enter into a course of action like that,
0:05:19 > 0:05:20you have to see it through,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23and if you believe that what you're doing is right,
0:05:23 > 0:05:24you just, you go ahead with it.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27I wondered if Liam still had the strength
0:05:27 > 0:05:28to fight those types of battles.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Has your illness affected your writing?
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Well, I find my energy levels aren't quite as good now.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38I've written about my illness a bit, but not particularly.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I think that it's probably...
0:05:42 > 0:05:44It's probably made me a more compassionate person,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I don't know, or more...
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Less, it makes me less think that I should pursue
0:05:50 > 0:05:55a fight or a vendetta with somebody, that things maybe, you know,
0:05:55 > 0:05:56should be let go a bit more,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59though I can't say that I'm... I never snap at anyone.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02One thing that's impressed me about you
0:06:02 > 0:06:05is the honesty with which you've written about your condition.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I had to tell some people at work and so on,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09and you create a very awkward position
0:06:09 > 0:06:10where you're telling somebody
0:06:10 > 0:06:12and they're having to keep it quiet and so on.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14So I felt it was best just to be open,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17and what's the point of keeping it quiet, anyway?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Liam fought hard for his stories.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29But now he was facing his greatest battle.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32He had terminal stomach cancer.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38I wondered how Liam managed to cope with such a shadow hanging over him.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Liam became a Zen Buddhist when he was 50.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55GONG CHIMES
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Watching him meditate,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00I thought that this was an odd choice for a hard-nosed journalist.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I think I've mellowed as I got older,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07probably Zen has mellowed me a bit.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10It's hard to tell, because I don't know what I would be like
0:07:10 > 0:07:11if I hadn't done it.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Quite often, for a lot of people, it brings about
0:07:15 > 0:07:17a softening of the attitude.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20As a journalist, I have to fight against that,
0:07:20 > 0:07:22cos you can't be too soft as a journalist, but...
0:07:24 > 0:07:26..you have to find a medium in life.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Liam brought me to visit his father.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39He asked me to be careful with what I said.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- What's he called, Liam?- Bill.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46His dad had dementia.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48When it came to his own illness,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Liam decided to protect his father from the facts.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56I didn't want to tell him because I knew that
0:07:56 > 0:07:58he wouldn't remember it properly,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01and he has always had an absolute horror of cancer,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04because I suppose the period when he was growing up,
0:08:04 > 0:08:05nobody ever got cured of it and
0:08:05 > 0:08:07it was an immediate sort of death sentence.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Right, mission accomplished!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I'll give you the vodka and Coke!
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Liam had a religious upbringing.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24His dad was a Presbyterian minister.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I don't know that we discussed religion much.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I went to Sunday school and you told me
0:08:30 > 0:08:33about the Bible and so on and I learnt that.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37- You went to church, too.- I did, I went to communion class and so on.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- That's right, you did. - But then I ended up taking up
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Zen meditation after it. Did that annoy you at all?
0:08:43 > 0:08:44No, I never thought.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I mean, sure you've your life to live and...
0:08:48 > 0:08:50..Christianity is meditation too.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Well, some do both.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Thanks very much, indeed.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58My view in God is, I don't find it useful
0:08:58 > 0:09:01to think of a personality ruling the universe.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02I don't find it helps me,
0:09:02 > 0:09:06but I do believe that there's something uniting everything.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09That it's... You know, reality is of a piece.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Do you find that difficult that I think that?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14No, no, that's an area that you haven't properly got through yet.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20- So you think I'll learn? - I do, because we all do.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Are you not confused with many things...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I'm all over the place.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27I'm all over the place.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I was beginning to see Liam as more than just a journalist.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50There's one you'll like of me!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Oh, yeah!
0:09:53 > 0:09:54LAUGHTER
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Oh, my God.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Kathy, what age were you when you met Liam?
0:10:03 > 0:10:0420.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- Just a child.- Just a child.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- Been together now for 40 years and it doesn't seem a day too long... - That's what you say.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14..you know, if I wasn't so croaky, I'd sing it!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I couldn't say we've never had
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- a cross word, could you? - No, I couldn't.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Some of us huff and some of us don't!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I pretty much knew I was going to stick with you, actually.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28So you were romantic?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30No, but I really liked Kathy.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32I liked the look of her. I liked her personality.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36After all those years together,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Liam's cancer meant that their future could be cut short.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42We always want to know exactly what is going to happen
0:10:42 > 0:10:44and exactly when it's going to happen,
0:10:44 > 0:10:45and uncertainty, I think,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48is one of the most difficult things of all to deal with.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51You want to prepare yourself, and especially the kids,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53for what might lie in front of you.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57It's not something that you can map out,
0:10:57 > 0:10:59but I suppose you do want to know
0:10:59 > 0:11:02what you're prepared for as much as possible.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Liam had been hoping that his cancer was slowing down.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20But now his oncologist had asked to see him.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23It sounded like bad news.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28It is a little alarming when you get something that says,
0:11:28 > 0:11:30"No, you still have got this. It's still moving."
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- TANNOY:- First floor. Doors opening.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56I think it's worse for the relatives of the sufferer
0:11:56 > 0:11:58than the person who's got the disease.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00The relationship to the person changes.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02They maybe feel they're walking on eggshells,
0:12:02 > 0:12:04they shouldn't be saying things.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I think it's difficult for relatives, they can get pushed
0:12:07 > 0:12:11into the role of carer later on if it lingers on too long,
0:12:11 > 0:12:12and, you know,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14it's quite hard to deal with that.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Liam's cancer had spread from his stomach to his lung.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27And is that quite big,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30quite a lot of growth over the period or is it modest growth?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32It's not a large nodule.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34That's visible, all right.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I don't know what quite to make of it. It is getting bigger.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Well, if the abdomen is going to progress further,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44faster, then there is not much point in worrying about this.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45I suppose that's...
0:12:45 > 0:12:47But it is getting bigger.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49I have concerns about it.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Doors closing.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09# Birds will gather at my side
0:13:12 > 0:13:16# Tears will gather in my eyes
0:13:19 > 0:13:22# Throw my head and cry... #
0:13:31 > 0:13:34When you're young, you basically hear about
0:13:34 > 0:13:36people dying and you basically
0:13:36 > 0:13:39think that's for somebody else, that's on most of our minds.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Kids have fantasies, quite often,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44about dying and everybody being sorry and apologising to them.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46They don't realise the finality of it.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50As you get older, you do and I think it changes your perspective.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I think it's a very valuable thing to recognise.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- No matter what? - Well, no matter what.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59You know, it's pointless hiding from it.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Nobody, I wouldn't pretend that
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I want it to come quicker than it needs to,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05but it's pointless hiding from it
0:14:05 > 0:14:07or being in denial or that sort of thing.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Far from being in denial,
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Liam seemed determined to find answers,
0:14:19 > 0:14:21not only to my questions, but to his own.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Even over the Christmas break,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31he was sending me his ideas for who we should talk to,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33and what we should film next.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Just after Boxing Day, I got a call from Liam's phone,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55but it was Kathy's voice on the other end.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00She told me that Liam had died.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01I couldn't believe it.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Kathy asked me to come to the house and keep making the film.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Boxing Day, he felt just terribly weak and sick
0:15:11 > 0:15:14and said his stomach felt heavy.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16He just said he would put up with it.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18He was as cold as ice,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21really as cold as ice, and then about ten to two,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Alice and I were sitting talking, ten to two in the morning.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Alice and I were sitting talking in the kitchen
0:15:27 > 0:15:30and he called for us and we went up
0:15:30 > 0:15:32and by the time we got up there it was too late
0:15:32 > 0:15:35and he was lying, he was lying dead.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Liam spent his last night at home,
0:15:46 > 0:15:51surrounded by his children, Alice, Adam and Daniel.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55There's a picture of him on...
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Christmas Eve or Christmas Day...
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- Christmas Day. - ..night, dressed up as a Jedi!
0:16:04 > 0:16:08We had a really, really nice night in the house.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10He told us one by one how much he loved us
0:16:10 > 0:16:12and what he would want us to know
0:16:12 > 0:16:15if he was to "drop dead in the morning," was his term.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18So it's a real comfort that we had that time.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21You know, a lot of people don't get that time to hear that.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I didn't even know that, that he sat you down individually.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25I think he must have...
0:16:25 > 0:16:27He talked about you. About how much he loved you.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29He talked about different family members.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- Our Auntie Jean.- Auntie Jean.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Certainly over the last, uh...
0:16:34 > 0:16:37month or so he'd been saying he'd never been happier in his life,
0:16:37 > 0:16:41which is a strange thing to have said, but he kept emphasising this.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44When he got into his Buddhism, I think he changed a lot.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Zen was a big influence.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50He used to say quite frequently, "I'm not scared of death."
0:16:50 > 0:16:52And I'm sure he said that to all of you.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53He did.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58He said he wasn't scared of death,
0:16:58 > 0:17:00but the thought that distressed him
0:17:00 > 0:17:03was the thought of separation from us.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09It was strange to be there without Liam,
0:17:09 > 0:17:11but I could still feel his presence in the house.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Liam had started to make plans for a Buddhist funeral.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Although his children aren't Buddhists,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24they wanted to honour their dad's wishes as best they could.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28As far as religions go, it is a pretty good one.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30It's more about your own personal journey
0:17:30 > 0:17:32and about bettering yourself,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35rather than trying to follow a moral code.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Without believing in all the more mystical aspects of it,
0:17:39 > 0:17:41it's a good practice to do.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Did he believe in reincarnation?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45I'm not sure, did he or didn't he?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I don't think he told me he believed in reincarnation,
0:17:48 > 0:17:49I think he did believe in the fact that
0:17:49 > 0:17:51once everything goes back down in the earth,
0:17:51 > 0:17:53everything is reused,
0:17:53 > 0:17:55but I don't necessarily believe that he thought
0:17:55 > 0:17:58that he would come back as another creature or come back again.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Where does wakes come into Buddhism?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- I'm not sure.- I'm not sure.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I think it's just an Irish thing, so we're doing it!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I don't know if they do have wakes in Buddhism.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Kathy was also preparing for Liam's body to come home.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17We're just sorting out his clothes.
0:18:19 > 0:18:24And his rakusu, which he's going to wear if you want to...
0:18:24 > 0:18:26I don't know if you've seen one before,
0:18:26 > 0:18:30but it's got his Zen name on it, Battle-Scarred Tiger.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33In zan ho mon.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37The rakusu is symbolic of Buddhist robes, and you wear it...
0:18:40 > 0:18:42His is too big for me, but the idea is it is like this
0:18:42 > 0:18:43and you fold your arms under it.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47- That goes around his body?- Yeah, and his hands will be folded under it.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10I used to say the worst thing I did in my life
0:19:10 > 0:19:13was tell my mother my father had died. This is worse.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Oh, God.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46He's far too tidy.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49No, seriously, I want him looking like himself,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52and he would have wanted it, too. That's a bit better sticking up.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57His hair was always sticking up, no matter when he'd just got it done.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Thank you so much for what you wrote, Garrett.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Liam would have loved it. You just captured him.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33After Liam returned home, a procession of
0:20:33 > 0:20:37relatives and friends arrived to celebrate his life.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Adam, take Betty and Jean in to see your daddy.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Oh, he can't hear me.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Liam looks so peaceful.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21People do.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26That's him and his dad.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Aw.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- Very early ones. - Where is that, Heather, do you know?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I don't know where that is.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37That's Dundalk as well.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Yeah. Look at... He talked about that car!
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I don't know whether it's a Wolseley or Morris Minor or what.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44That's another little one.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45That's all we had.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- They're nice.- They are so lovely.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00The Good Funeral Guide, he sent away for it.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Everything you need to know, everything you need to do.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07So that's how he had planned it.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Oh.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14"Are funeral directors really like..." "How much do they earn?"
0:22:14 > 0:22:16"Why are they usually men?"
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Oh.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21I don't think there's anything for Zen ceremonies in this.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30It had felt like a traditional wake.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34I had almost forgotten that Liam and Kathy were Buddhists.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Now the Zen rituals that comforted Liam in life
0:22:37 > 0:22:39would also mark his death.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Liam's Buddhist friends gathered in the front room to meditate.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53They were preparing for the transition
0:22:53 > 0:22:56from living with Liam to living without him.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01GONG CHIMES
0:23:10 > 0:23:11Liam Clarke.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15That was kind of sudden.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20But I can't help thinking...
0:23:23 > 0:23:25..it is probably what you wanted.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30You have entered the great crossing over.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Through countless lives, may your practice, your wisdom,
0:23:35 > 0:23:37your love be forever one.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39We say goodbye...
0:23:41 > 0:23:43..to the Liam we knew.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46And we say hello to the new Liam.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49The Liam that we will meet and see...
0:23:50 > 0:23:52..in the trees...
0:23:53 > 0:23:54..in the grass...
0:23:56 > 0:23:57..in the rain...
0:23:58 > 0:23:59..and in the sun.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09GONG CHIMES
0:24:18 > 0:24:20GONG CHIMES
0:24:29 > 0:24:32After the intimacy of the Buddhist ceremony,
0:24:32 > 0:24:33it was time for Liam's family
0:24:33 > 0:24:37to make the journey to what would be a very public funeral.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53As the mourners squeezed into the crematorium,
0:24:53 > 0:24:58it was clear that Liam had made an impact, not just on those he loved,
0:24:58 > 0:25:00but on Northern Ireland as well.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Among the rows of familiar faces,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23the most important person for the family was Liam's dad.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29I know how they wrestled with finally telling him the truth.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33They decided it was right for them all to be together.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Funerals don't only mark an ending.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42For Kathy and the family, it was also a beginning...
0:25:43 > 0:25:44..of a life without Liam.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Do not break into a run here!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10It's been five months since Liam's funeral.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14The family have come to Donegal to scatter his ashes.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17That's perfect.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Aw, wow, look at that.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24I quite like this place, though, I have to say.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I like it, too.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28It's just, it's blowing this way.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Mam, it's a really big practicality.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34We can't do anything about it.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36We can't change what way the wind's blowing.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Boys, Alice, hang on a minute.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Yeah, that's the bit I saw, you could walk across that.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47- What do you think?- That's up quite high, and it's a precipice.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51A precipice. It's like natural steps.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Daniel, you're definitely a glass half-empty.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Watch out for the precipice(!)
0:26:58 > 0:27:00SHE LAUGHS
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Not the most Buddhist of symbols.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07No. I should have brought a wee Buddha out here.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Well, when are we good to go?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- Now.- What way do you do it?
0:27:22 > 0:27:26- The wind is picking up a bit. - Alice, I've never done it before.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28You know what you do, you do the best you can,
0:27:28 > 0:27:31and that's...just do what feels right to you.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Liam Clarke looked death in the eye and did not blink.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I was reminded of a story he told me before he died.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01There is a well-known Zen teacher, I believe it was Kodo Sawaki.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03One lady went up to him and said,
0:28:03 > 0:28:07"Through this, I have been worried about dying, constantly,
0:28:07 > 0:28:09"as I sit in silent meditation."
0:28:09 > 0:28:11And he said, "Don't worry, you will die."
0:28:13 > 0:28:16There's a strange comfort in that, looking things squarely.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18We all will die. We all know we will,
0:28:18 > 0:28:21but it's just a question of when.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Liam's family let me into the heart of their grief,
0:28:30 > 0:28:32something we will all have to face.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41I started this film preparing to see darkness,
0:28:41 > 0:28:43but what I witnessed was light.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47# In a hell beneath the stairs
0:28:50 > 0:28:54# There's someone in that room
0:28:57 > 0:29:02# That frightens you when they go, "Boo!"
0:29:04 > 0:29:07# Boo, boo, boo
0:29:07 > 0:29:11# Boo, boo, boo... #