0:00:02 > 0:00:06'I hope that my new classmates accept me for who and what I am.'
0:00:06 > 0:00:08'I wish I had just been born a boy,
0:00:08 > 0:00:11'it would have made my life so much easier.'
0:00:15 > 0:00:18'I still don't think my mum understands
0:00:18 > 0:00:20'that this isn't a phase, this is who I am.'
0:00:22 > 0:00:28Gay, lesbian or transgender. Coming out can be incredibly tough.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31For teenagers, how you do it can shape the rest of your life.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Here, I have to not be myself and I have to be someone else.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39No, you're Kieran that you've been for 18 years.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41It got me to the point of self harm,
0:00:41 > 0:00:45it got me to the point of even overdosing and it was just horrible.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49It is very much squishing my boobs down right now
0:00:49 > 0:00:51and I've got the boobs of an old lady.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54This is the story of three teenagers,
0:00:54 > 0:00:58three coming out journeys and three life-defining moments.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Told in their own words.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03'She wants me to be Kieran her son, but I am not a boy,
0:01:03 > 0:01:07'I am Natalie and I wish she'd see me as her own daughter.'
0:01:07 > 0:01:0917 year old Natalie was born a boy.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13She only told her mum a few months ago that she wants to be a girl.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16It would be nice if just once you could actually say "Nat" to me.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- No, I've already told you I won't call you Nat.- Exactly.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23You'll always be my eldest son, not eldest daughter.
0:01:23 > 0:01:2617 year old Tori is terrified her classmates
0:01:26 > 0:01:28will shun her for being a lesbian.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30I just want to stop having to lie
0:01:30 > 0:01:33about who I am at college to my friends.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Now I'm really nervous.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37I've been lying to you saying I'm straight
0:01:37 > 0:01:39when actually I'm a lesbian.
0:01:39 > 0:01:44And 19 year old Jamie's mates have no idea he was born a girl.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46What kind of girl do you think is your type?
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Someone that's quite a laugh and I can go out with.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53All three want to be accepted for who they are.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57All three will be coming out to the whole world.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00These are their diaries.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04People might think it's choice, but the only choice
0:02:04 > 0:02:10is to either come out or try and deal with it by yourself.
0:02:10 > 0:02:18This programme contains some strong language.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28My name is Natalie and I am 17
0:02:28 > 0:02:31and this year is the year I came out as transgender.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33To most I'm a boy becoming a girl,
0:02:33 > 0:02:36but the truth is I'm a girl trapped in the wrong body.
0:02:36 > 0:02:41Natalie lives with her family in the Scottish countryside.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43She was born Kieran,
0:02:43 > 0:02:47but six months ago she told her mum that she is a girl not a boy.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Mum, Arlene is finding the situation really difficult,
0:02:51 > 0:02:55she doesn't want to call her Natalie and is uncomfortable with her dressing as a girl.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Arlene is also worried about the effect Natalie's sex change
0:02:59 > 0:03:01might have on her three youngest sons.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05It's very tough knowing that your son of nearly 18 years
0:03:05 > 0:03:07wants to be a girl.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I think he's making a big mistake.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13I don't know if this'll break our relationship,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16make it better, whatever, I don't know.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19This is the only skirt I have at the moment,
0:03:19 > 0:03:23I'm trying to get a red one to go with my boots.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I've only just got one bra at the moment,
0:03:25 > 0:03:29I did have two, but the other one's disappeared.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33It's fairly small, but it still works.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38My mum has never seen me wear any of this at all.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43She doesn't want me "dressing up", as she would say, around the house.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52- How's you this morning?- All right. - What lies ahead then?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Might meet up with Chris later.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58You definitely need to think about doing something with your hair.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03Well, I'll do that whenever it's long enough.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- Can I ask you something?- What?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Is that what everybody's going to call you now, Natalie?
0:04:09 > 0:04:14- Yeah, pretty much. - Cos it's quite a big step.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Yeah, but it's one of the many steps I'm going to have to take.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Natalie and her mum are still wrestling
0:04:24 > 0:04:27with how to handle the situation.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29What are you going to do when you're dressing as a girl
0:04:29 > 0:04:32and you're totally Natalie now.
0:04:32 > 0:04:37Are you going to say, or are we going to say, "Oh, yeah, it's Kieran,"
0:04:37 > 0:04:41or, "this is a new friend of Kieran called Natalie?"
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Or what? Cos the kids are going to be so confused.
0:04:44 > 0:04:49- Yeah, well, that's up to you really. - It's also up to you.
0:04:49 > 0:04:54What would you think would be easier for them to understand?
0:04:54 > 0:04:58I don't know how I'm going to explain it.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00I don't know.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- Bye.- Bye, see you later, have a nice day.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15As often as she can, Natalie travels to Aberdeen
0:05:15 > 0:05:17where she transforms into a girl.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27At home Natalie remains Kieran, a boy wearing boy's clothing.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30In Aberdeen, she uses any toilet she can find
0:05:30 > 0:05:33to change into her girl clothes.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37I prefer being dressed like this.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I just want people to see me as Natalie,
0:05:39 > 0:05:45that's it really, nothing else to it. Just me.
0:05:45 > 0:05:51Away from home, Natalie hangs out with other trans and gay friends.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54But, what she really wants is her mum's approval.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59I'm not really sure how I feel. I have lots of emotions.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03I feel heartbroken that he doesn't want to be Kieran any more.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07I'm hoping it is a phase
0:06:07 > 0:06:11and if it is a phase he's going to go through, I hope he realises very quickly,
0:06:11 > 0:06:16rather than a few years down the line when it's too late.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I do think he's making a mistake.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24I guess you're not looking forward to going home tonight then?
0:06:24 > 0:06:28- Never do.- Well, just think, you'll go home, you'll go to sleep
0:06:28 > 0:06:31and then in the morning you'll be back in sunny Aberdeen.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I still don't think my mum understands
0:06:37 > 0:06:40that this isn't a phase, this is who I am.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44I'm not trying to be someone else, I'm just trying to be myself.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47The one thing I'd really like to come from the next few months
0:06:47 > 0:06:50is for my mum to at least be able to call me Natalie.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Or even just Nat,
0:06:51 > 0:06:55because then she is one step closer to seeing me as her daughter.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09My name's Tori, I'm 17 and I live in Worthing, West Sussex.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10And I'm a lesbian.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I'm in my second year at college
0:07:12 > 0:07:16and very few of my classmates know about my sexuality.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20I'm scared to tell them because I've had some horrible reactions
0:07:20 > 0:07:21from people in the past.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27At beauty college only Tori's closest friends
0:07:27 > 0:07:28know she's a lesbian.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31She would like to come out to the rest of her course mates,
0:07:31 > 0:07:34but her bad experiences at school
0:07:34 > 0:07:37have made her very anxious about how they'll react.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40We're at my old high school, which was an all girl's school.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44The first person that I came out to at school was one of my best friends
0:07:44 > 0:07:47and I was like, "She won't tell anyone.
0:07:47 > 0:07:52"Oh, I'll be fine." And then by break time everyone knew.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Most of my friends didn't speak to me cos everyone was like,
0:07:55 > 0:07:58"That's disgusting, how can you be bi, how can you be a lesbian?"
0:07:58 > 0:08:01It got me to the point of self harm,
0:08:01 > 0:08:06it got me to the point of stuff like even overdosing.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11No-one deserves to go through that. It was horrible...
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Sorry.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16..and I don't wish it upon anyone.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Coming back here makes me think about coming out at college,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24and it's like, what if I have to go through all that again?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Her school wasn't aware of any problems,
0:08:27 > 0:08:32but when Tori left, the difficulties continued at hairdressing college.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Now on a beauty course, Tori is scared that her new friends will react badly for a third time.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Tori lives at home with her mum and two sisters.
0:08:45 > 0:08:51I remember, like, in Year Seven, I knew then that I was, but I was kind of like denying it.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I think when you said you were being teased at school
0:08:54 > 0:08:56for being a lesbian, I wondered then.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00But you were so indignant that you weren't, I thought, "OK, maybe not."
0:09:01 > 0:09:04And then when you told me, I was like, "Yeah, OK."
0:09:04 > 0:09:06I was like, "How can you be so OK with it?!
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- "Kick me out, do something horrible!" - Why would I have kicked you out?
0:09:10 > 0:09:14I don't know, most people do kick their kids out overnight
0:09:14 > 0:09:17and then go, "Oh, I'm sorry!" I was waiting for you to do that.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20No, you're still Tori, we still love you.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21This was Year Ten.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25At that point, I had, like, came out.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30This was the year that I couldn't get changed in the changing rooms,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33because of everyone, like, giving their comments and stuff.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37You were very quiet all through that year. I found that one really hard.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I never knew what the problem was.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Knew there was something wrong, but you would never tell us.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47You were always - not have been, are -
0:09:47 > 0:09:50very good at wearing a confident mask
0:09:50 > 0:09:52and coming across as really blase and happy-go-lucky
0:09:52 > 0:09:55when inside you're shaking in your boots.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57So if it does all go wrong at college this time,
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- will you share with me, please? - I think I will share with you.
0:10:02 > 0:10:07'My major worry about coming out to my college friends is the fact that,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10'last year when I was doing hairdressing,
0:10:10 > 0:10:12'they didn't take it very well.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15'Roughly ten girls were horrible about it,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18'even to the point of threatening to hurt me.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21'It all started with one girl saying how she didn't want me
0:10:21 > 0:10:23'to touch her or do her hair.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27'I hope that my new classmates accept me for who and what I am.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29'But my fears are that they won't,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32'especially now that I'm doing beauty therapy,
0:10:32 > 0:10:35'which is so much more intimate.'
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Tori has told just five people on her course.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Tonight, she's having a girly night in with her closest friends,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43who know she's a lesbian.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47I've got a pepperoni, a chicken and two margaritas.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- Are we having plates, or...?- Nah.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52So, what are you going to do about college, then?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Are you going to say anything to anyone?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I'm worried, cos of last year, the whole hairdressing lot.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- You were there for that. - People are just scared.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05But I think the whole group know you, and they love you!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07What happened last year, then?
0:11:07 > 0:11:11We were talking about who we are, cos it was induction day,
0:11:11 > 0:11:14and Tori kind of said, "Oh, lesbian!"
0:11:15 > 0:11:18In the campest way I've ever seen.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21And then, like, throughout the day, everyone kept on going up to her.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24One of the girls was like, "She's not touching my hair.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- "I don't want her touching me." - "She'll jump on me," wasn't she?
0:11:27 > 0:11:28"She's going to preditate me,
0:11:28 > 0:11:31"she's going to try and fuck me or something!"
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I was like, "You look like a troll, girl!"
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Do you reckon it'll be the same as last year?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Hopefully not, cos I think they're nicer than last year.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40But you'd think beauticians would be the worst.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- Cos you've got to touch them in a lot more intimate places. - Their lady garden!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46That's what I'm worried about.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48It's stupid and ignorant that people think,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51"She's a lesbian, she's doing beauty, she's down there -
0:11:51 > 0:11:52"oh, she's going to jump me."
0:11:52 > 0:11:55"I'm just doing your bikini line - oh, whilst I'm here...!"
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I do think it's part of gay life, and you've got to accept it.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02If you don't accept it, you're just going to be, like,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05a miserable lesbian, at the end of the day!
0:12:12 > 0:12:16'I'm Jamie, I'm 19, and I'm studying at Hull University.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20'At university, I'm one of the guys. We socialise together,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23'drink beer together and do all the things that other guys do.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26'It's a new freedom I've never really had the chance to experience,
0:12:26 > 0:12:29'and I love it.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31'But deep down, I'm terrified of how people might react
0:12:31 > 0:12:33'if they find out my secret.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37'My secret is that I was born a girl,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40'although I have never felt biologically female.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44'I have never been interested in girls' clothes, or being a girl.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46'All I've ever known or wanted is to be a boy.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49'I was christened Aimee Alice, the girliest you can get.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52'But now, I'm Jamie, Jamie Michael, and it's much better.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55'I've known since about three that I need to be a guy.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59'My family have always been so supportive,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02'and I've been dressing in boys' clothes
0:13:02 > 0:13:06- 'since I was about four years old.' - That was the last time you ever wore a dress.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Look at your face, how troubled you were, and how you hated it.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15And I had to force you to wear it, and I felt awful, because by then,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I clearly knew that you didn't want to wear it.
0:13:18 > 0:13:23This was, like, happy, cut off hair, looking like a boy.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- That was in 1998. So in that one, you were six.- Yep.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31That bonnet and that! I had a little girl,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33and I wanted you to be
0:13:33 > 0:13:36the prettiest, frilliest little girl ever,
0:13:36 > 0:13:42and now you look back now and it's abuse, cos that wasn't you.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46You weren't a girl, you were a boy, and there's me, frillying you up!
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Really, in that picture I'm sad,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50I'm screaming, "Get that bonnet off me now!"
0:13:50 > 0:13:55I just feel really bad that I didn't allow Jamie to be Jamie sooner.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59You know when you're pregnant and stuff like that,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01why did my body make you a girl?
0:14:01 > 0:14:05It's not your body. You didn't have some transgender injection.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06It's not the way it works.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I just admire you for being so brave. If it had been me,
0:14:09 > 0:14:13I would have grown my hair and worn a dress and pretended to be a girl.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16But even if I had grown my hair and had worn a dress to pretend,
0:14:16 > 0:14:20then it would be just the same to keep my hair short and be a boy.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25I started to have testosterone injections nearly a year ago now.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29And then, they have made a huge difference to me.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34But then, I feel like I'm not quite complete yet.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Physically, he absolutely hates himself.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Jamie feels like nobody would ever love him,
0:14:41 > 0:14:45because he likes girls, because he sees himself as a boy.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50But he thinks, what girl would ever want to go out with him?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Because he's not physically a boy.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56He's never going to be a complete guy, and he knows that.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58He knows that.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02And sometimes, when the realisation of that is clear in his mind,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04that's when he breaks down,
0:15:04 > 0:15:09and that's when I worry, because he does actually say to me,
0:15:09 > 0:15:10"It's never going to be right, it can't be made right."
0:15:12 > 0:15:15But I just want to make sure we do everything we can
0:15:15 > 0:15:18to make it try and make it as right as it can be.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21In the small village where Jamie lives,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24everybody knows his background.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- Hi, Jamie.- Hiya.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Cos I've lived in the same village pretty much all my life,
0:15:30 > 0:15:33everyone's kind of grown up with me or knows me from school,
0:15:33 > 0:15:36and just knows me from being around, and everyone kind of knows me
0:15:36 > 0:15:41as that transgender kid, that one that was a girl that's now a boy.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Thank you very much.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Sometimes, I think, "Would it be better to tell people?"
0:15:46 > 0:15:49But to me, I think as soon as I tell people, I'm treated differently,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I'm not treated as a guy anymore, I'm not part of that,
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I'm treated as a guy who's not quite a guy.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56See you soon, then. Bye.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Jamie is leading a double life, and he is hugely torn
0:16:00 > 0:16:03about whether to tell his course mates he's biologically female.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06There are only four girls on his computer course,
0:16:06 > 0:16:09and it's a subject that always comes up.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Aren't we supposed to have the 1.6 girl-to-guy ratio?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I dunno where they all hide, honestly!
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I don't think girls are really that into programming.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23- There are actually no girls at all! - I wasn't surprised at all.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I just remember going to an open day
0:16:25 > 0:16:27and seeing one girl. It was a little bit depressing.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30There were loads on my open day, absolutely loads,
0:16:30 > 0:16:32but then obviously none of them came!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34When I turned up, I was like, "No!"
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I haven't told those guys about myself, no.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42I think people pretty much do just accept me as one of them
0:16:42 > 0:16:45and one of the guys, and no questions asked, hopefully.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I still find talking about girls a little bit awkward.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52I just find it a bit hard, cos I feel like...
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I don't know. They probably don't have any expectations
0:16:55 > 0:16:57of what I should or shouldn't have experienced,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00but I worry about what I should say and shouldn't say
0:17:00 > 0:17:02probably more than I should, really.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14'I'm not sure whether to tell people or not at university.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18'I worry that I'm deceiving people, but I know that if people found out,
0:17:18 > 0:17:19'they'd treat me differently.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22'I don't ever want to be treated any less of a man than I am now.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24'I'd like to be more up front with people,
0:17:24 > 0:17:28'but I'm so worried about what could happen.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30'I'd hate to lose people or get myself hurt.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33'If I did tell them, would they treat me like a girl?'
0:17:37 > 0:17:41In Scotland, Natalie is spending more and more time in Aberdeen
0:17:41 > 0:17:44so she can wear her girls' clothes.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47She's finding it really difficult being Kieran at home,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50and is still very much at loggerheads with her mum.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52You've got to learn from your mistakes.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56But this is one hell of a big mistake, if it turns out to be one.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Kieran's always been one for attention seeking.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03He likes the limelight, and this is another little phase,
0:18:03 > 0:18:07that he's now in a group that are different from the norm.
0:18:07 > 0:18:13But if he ends up going through with an operation to change his gender,
0:18:13 > 0:18:16then that's too late, you can't do anything about that.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20That's why I want to make sure that he is actually doing the right thing
0:18:20 > 0:18:21and he's totally positive.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Cos he's still very young. He's only coming up for 18.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28And I think it's a very, very life-changing decision to make
0:18:28 > 0:18:30at such a young age.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36I just wish he wasn't doing it, I still wish he wasn't doing it,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38I still wish he was staying Kieran.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43'There's just too much tension in the house,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45'and it makes me feel so uncomfortable.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48'I'm always expecting it to turn into an argument,
0:18:48 > 0:18:49'because of the atmosphere.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52'My mum isn't comfortable with me being myself, but I can't be happy,
0:18:52 > 0:18:54'being someone I'm not.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59'She wants me to be Kieran, her son, but I am not a boy.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02'I am Natalie, and I wish she'd see me as her own daughter.'
0:19:10 > 0:19:14Steering wheel, please! Steering wheel, please!
0:19:16 > 0:19:20I want to speak to Kieran to explain how I'm feeling,
0:19:20 > 0:19:22basically to tell him how worried I am,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25how scared I am for the future for him.
0:19:28 > 0:19:33So, you're a boy who wants to be a girl.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35No, I'm a girl that's in the wrong body.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39So I'm not changing gender, I'm just changing sex.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41I'm still very worried for you.
0:19:41 > 0:19:47You've changed, you don't want to be part of our family anymore.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52I don't feel right when everyone says "he" and everyone says "Kieran".
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Well, sorry, that's who you are, you're Kieran.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58You're not comfortable being Kieran here, yeah?
0:19:58 > 0:20:02- We're not comfortable you being Natalie here.- Why?
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Because I won't have the other children...
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Somebody's already asked why you're wearing girls' things in your hair.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I find they're far too young...
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Yeah, but why not when they're in bed? What's stopping you there?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- Cos I don't want you being Natalie in my house.- why not?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Because I don't, I know you as Kieran.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25You said you been like this for years. Sorry, you haven't.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Why did you always want your hair short, then?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30You used to moan at your brother about,
0:20:30 > 0:20:34"Oh, you can't wear your hair long, you need your hair short."
0:20:35 > 0:20:37So if you wanted to be a girl,
0:20:37 > 0:20:40why did you always insist on your hair short, then?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Maybe cos I couldn't tell you things,
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- cos the way you react about things.- No...
0:20:44 > 0:20:47We've spoken about loads of things. We spoke about sex,
0:20:47 > 0:20:48we spoke about losing virginity.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51But a lot of the things I've been doing recently,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54you've not reacted well to it, and that's why I've been telling you
0:20:54 > 0:20:57less and less. That's why I've been distancing myself so much.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59You will not be Natalie until you move out,
0:20:59 > 0:21:01so that's plain and simple.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04If you don't like the rules, move out.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08I'm not the one that's being totally weird and alien here.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Cos I'm being weird and alien(!)
0:21:09 > 0:21:12At this moment in time, you're not making yourself feel
0:21:12 > 0:21:13part of this family.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16You're making yourself feel like an alien in this family.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18To put it bluntly, you can't be bothered with anybody else
0:21:18 > 0:21:20and you only think of yourself,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22and it's like, "Me, me, me," all the time.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25"Now, ooh, I suddenly want to be a girl."
0:21:25 > 0:21:28So cos I'm not a goody-two-shoes Christian and straight,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30then that makes me an attention-seeker?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33You've always been attention-seeking, Kieran.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38You've got two choices. Stay here and abide by the rules,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40or move out and do what you like.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43It would be nice if just once you could actually say "Nat" to me.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- No, cos I've already told you, I won't call you Nat.- Exactly.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47- I've already told you I won't.- Exactly.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I will call you Kieran. You will be Kieran,
0:21:49 > 0:21:52you will also be my eldest son.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- Exactly.- Not eldest daughter.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Sorry, I've never had a daughter. I am trying my best.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00If it's not good enough, then really, that's tough.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08So, I'm a little bit upset,
0:22:08 > 0:22:13but I'm a little bit relieved, too, that he now knows how I feel.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15It was to be expected, really.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23If he can't be Natalie here, then he has to move out.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27Basically, you don't stay somewhere that you don't like.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I'm glad he knows now how I feel.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35I don't think she sees this is how I've always been like.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38She always thinks it's just something that's come around.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40But it's not.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45It's just not something you can control, really,
0:22:45 > 0:22:49and people might think it's a choice, but the only choice is
0:22:49 > 0:22:53to either come out or try and deal with it by yourself.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12'Having to keep my sexuality a secret from the other girls on my course
0:23:12 > 0:23:15'kind of makes me feel like I'm lying to them.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19'I think that having to hide who I am from them is a little bit sad,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22'in all honesty, because they can talk about their boyfriends,
0:23:22 > 0:23:24'whereas I have to lie to them.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27'It's not something that I can just choose to be.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30'It just happened, and it's the way I am.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33'If I could choose, would they really think I'd choose this life?'
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Tori has been with girlfriend Courtney for five months.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45She wants to be able to be open about their relationship.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Are you going to tell them at college?
0:23:48 > 0:23:51I think I might tell them next week,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54on Tuesday, cos it's our last day anyway,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57so it'll give them the whole of the Christmas holidays
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- to let it settle a bit.- How do you think you're going to tell them?
0:24:00 > 0:24:05Probably slip it into a conversation, I'll just say,
0:24:05 > 0:24:08"Do you know what? Courtney's actually a girl."
0:24:08 > 0:24:09Did you tell them I'm a boy?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11One of the girls saw my background,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14and it was obviously us two, isn't it,
0:24:14 > 0:24:16and I was like, "No, that's my boyfriend."
0:24:16 > 0:24:19They went, "Oh, it looks like a girl."
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I was like, "Yeah, he gets that a lot."
0:24:22 > 0:24:26So I'm a boy that looks like a girl but is actually a girl.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30I don't want to keep you a secret. I could have told them,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33but I didn't want them to react just yet.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Cos I wanted them to know me first.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38You'd only been there for, like, a week.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Otherwise, I would have told them.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43But you being a lesbian is you.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46I know, but some people don't like it.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59'I'm more nervous than scared to come out at college.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01'Due to the actions I've had in the past.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04'I hope nobody sees me differently.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07'I've taken the time to let them know me for me,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09'and not Tori the lesbian predator.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14'However, part of me is excited to tell them,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17'just to not have to lie to them about who I am anymore.'
0:25:28 > 0:25:30It's the morning of the last day of term.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Tori has decided today's the day she's going to come out to her classmates.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38I'm feeling quite nervous, because of what happened last year.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42But I'm also quite excited, in case they do take it quite well.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45I just want to stop having to lie about who I am at college
0:25:45 > 0:25:47to my friends, and they deserve to know.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Hey, Mama.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- Hey darling, you all right?- Mmm-hmm.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- How you feeling?- All right. - Are you nervous about today?
0:25:59 > 0:26:03More excited, to be honest. I'm not going to tell them, though,
0:26:03 > 0:26:06until the end of the day, rather than at the beginning,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08cos that way they've got the whole of the Christmas holidays
0:26:08 > 0:26:10to let it settle. And if they don't like it,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I'll just be like, "All right, see you after Christmas, bye!"
0:26:13 > 0:26:17All you can do is be yourself. They can like it or lump it,
0:26:17 > 0:26:21but I have got my phone if you need me!
0:26:21 > 0:26:24I'll let you know, definitely. I'll just give you a text.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- OK, make sure you do, or I'll be texting you to find out.- OK.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35In Hull, Jamie is getting ready to leave for university.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Each day he puts on a binder to flatten his breasts
0:26:37 > 0:26:41- and give him a more masculine shape. - I'll show you what it looks like on.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45So, this is the fact it's like a half top,
0:26:45 > 0:26:48but then it is very much squishing my boobs down right now.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53It is quite painful, mainly the front, and the shoulders and back,
0:26:53 > 0:26:55but also under my arms as well,
0:26:55 > 0:26:59sometimes it can really nip in under my arms
0:26:59 > 0:27:02and be really painful and kind of... If anyone ever saw my boobs,
0:27:02 > 0:27:06just in the life, they are, like, the worst boobs you've ever seen,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09just because I've never, ever worn a bra that would hold them properly,
0:27:09 > 0:27:11and they've always been squashed down.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15I have the boobs of an old lady!
0:27:15 > 0:27:19Not good! At university, I could definitely not go without a binder.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22I can barely go out the house to the local shop without a binder on,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25so there's no chance I could go to university without a binder on.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37'I still keep wondering if I'm deceiving people by not telling them.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41'But to me, if I'm telling someone, the difference between me and them is
0:27:41 > 0:27:44'what's under my clothes, and why should that matter?
0:27:44 > 0:27:48'Although I still feel dishonest. But if I told people,
0:27:48 > 0:27:51'I'm convinced they'd treat me differently. I don't want that.'
0:27:51 > 0:27:55Jamie worries most about not telling his closest friends,
0:27:55 > 0:27:56especially Marek.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00Marek's a really nice guy. I've known him since last year.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03He doesn't know, which is a little bit scary. But we get on.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06So at the moment, he's one of the people I think, "Should I tell him,
0:28:06 > 0:28:09"should I not tell him?" But I don't know what I'm going to do yet.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16- All right?- All right? - Do you want a drink?- Yeah, why not?
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Can we have a Carlsberg and a coke, please?
0:28:20 > 0:28:21- Pints of each?- Yeah, please.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Have you had any lectures today at all?
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Er, no. I've got a meeting later
0:28:25 > 0:28:27and then I've got a lecture, so fun times!
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Fun times indeed, man!
0:28:29 > 0:28:33- Cheers.- Cheers.
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Let's go.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43- I'll let you break, because I'm dreadful.- OK, fair enough.
0:28:49 > 0:28:54Boys being boys, as ever, the talk turns to girls.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55- Good game!- Good game!
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Don't you think it's really weird,
0:28:57 > 0:29:00the fact we have so many guys in computer science?
0:29:00 > 0:29:02It's literally 1% girls, if that.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Our chances of meeting someone on our course are seriously low.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09- Yeah, it's pretty stupid, yeah. - It's about three people or something!
0:29:09 > 0:29:10I don't really think the girls
0:29:10 > 0:29:13on our course are my type, anyway, really.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16What kind of girl do you think is your type?
0:29:16 > 0:29:17Nice is important to me.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20I don't want anyone that will treat me like crap, really.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22Not into that. How about you?
0:29:22 > 0:29:25If she's good looking, that's a plus, but it's not necessary.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28As long as they're nice, they're friendly,
0:29:28 > 0:29:29it's what counts in a person.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32They've got a good soul, like, heart, basically.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35So many people are so quick to judge,
0:29:35 > 0:29:37- you've got to get to know a person first.- Obviously, yeah.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40If they're nice, then it doesn't necessarily mean
0:29:40 > 0:29:42they have to be a model or anything. It doesn't matter.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47I have known Jamie for a about a year and half, I'd say.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50He's a really nice guy, he's really friendly.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53He's just, like, easy to talk to. Like, if you have any problems,
0:29:53 > 0:29:55you could easily go up to him and speak to him.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57I don't think Marek's got a clue.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59With Marek, I did find the girl chat awkward
0:29:59 > 0:30:02cos I feel I've got to be careful what I say to people,
0:30:02 > 0:30:04especially what I'm saying to him.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07I don't want to give myself away and accidently come out.
0:30:12 > 0:30:16Jamie just wants to be a regular guy like Marek, without all his worries,
0:30:16 > 0:30:19and he'd love to meet a girlfriend too.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23But he can't get past the fact that he feels like he's deceiving people.
0:30:23 > 0:30:28It's something he spends hours agonising over with his sister Emily.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31- I'd love you to get a girlfriend. I'd absolutely love it!- Why?
0:30:31 > 0:30:34- It would be someone extra to go shopping with!- Oh, OK.
0:30:34 > 0:30:38I dunno, I think it would be nice to see you with someone as well.
0:30:38 > 0:30:43I just worry that if I was with somebody, and then they found out
0:30:43 > 0:30:45and I couldn't give them...
0:30:45 > 0:30:47the sex that they wanted
0:30:47 > 0:30:49then they would either look elsewhere
0:30:49 > 0:30:51or wish they had looked elsewhere.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54You can still have proper sex with somebody,
0:30:54 > 0:30:57male sex with somebody,
0:30:57 > 0:30:59but it might just not be...
0:30:59 > 0:31:02with your own penis. It could be with...
0:31:02 > 0:31:05There are things out there that you can use, there really are.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07You shy away from everything like that.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10Run away! Not even shy away, run away!
0:31:10 > 0:31:13I feel I'm being dishonest if I don't tell them straightaway.
0:31:13 > 0:31:17I feel I'm almost deceiving somebody if I wait all that time.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19But you're not lying.
0:31:19 > 0:31:21But in a way I am, because...
0:31:21 > 0:31:24- cos I am, really.- But you're not.
0:31:24 > 0:31:28- You don't walk around going, "I have a penis!" - Walk around with it out.- Exactly!
0:31:28 > 0:31:30So you're not lying.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33I don't know. Mum jokes I should tell people it got shot off in the war.
0:31:33 > 0:31:37I'm like, no, that joke's never, ever going to work! That's a bad joke!
0:31:39 > 0:31:41I was talking to Emily tonight.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43She was giving me the girl talk. I know I'm too shy
0:31:43 > 0:31:48but I find it really hard to take any advice and become more confident.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51I definitely feel like I'm carrying a secret
0:31:51 > 0:31:53and I think me not telling people
0:31:53 > 0:31:57makes me feel like I can't get close to people at university.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59I wish I had just been born a boy.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01It would have made my life so much easier.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08After the argument with her mum,
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Natalie is in Aberdeen seeing friend Simone.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14I don't think my mum understands that it isn't a phase.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16It's not something you choose to do just for a year
0:32:16 > 0:32:18and go, "Well, this year I'm going to be this."
0:32:18 > 0:32:22You know, everyone wants to have their family accept them
0:32:22 > 0:32:24and always be there for them
0:32:24 > 0:32:28and my mum has said she'd always be there for me and support me
0:32:28 > 0:32:30but I can't see how that's going to work out
0:32:30 > 0:32:34if she isn't going to be able to accept me like this at all.
0:32:34 > 0:32:35- Hey.- Hi.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38- How are you?- I'm good.
0:32:38 > 0:32:42- Coming in?- Yeah.
0:32:42 > 0:32:43Where were you today?
0:32:43 > 0:32:44I was in Edinburgh.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47- I bet you were glad to be away from home.- Yeah.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50How's the situation at home just now?
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Not much better, really.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54- Is your mum still the same?- Yeah.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56She basically said I could get surgery,
0:32:56 > 0:33:00I could be on hormones and everything and she'd still see me as her son.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02Ouch.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Do you think it'll ever improve?
0:33:04 > 0:33:07- No, I'm going to have to move out pretty soon, haven't I?- Yeah.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10Cos I just dread going home and...
0:33:10 > 0:33:13It's awful, really.
0:33:13 > 0:33:14- You OK?- Yeah.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16- Need a hug?- Yeah.- OK.
0:33:21 > 0:33:22I couldn't imagine that.
0:33:29 > 0:33:33I think I have to really consider moving out, as home life is getting really stressful.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36but I just can't afford to move anywhere just now.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39On the plus side, I have managed to get some work experience
0:33:39 > 0:33:41where I'm working as Nat.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43So therefore, I can be working as myself.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48Hi there.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56Very much.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00Today's the day Natalie finds out if she'll be offered proper paid work.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03It could mean she's able to move out from home.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05Everyone here knows the situation
0:34:05 > 0:34:08and it's given her the freedom to talk openly
0:34:08 > 0:34:12- about calling herself Natalie. - What do you prefer, Nat or Natalie?
0:34:12 > 0:34:14Both are fine.
0:34:14 > 0:34:15I'm the same with Daniel or Danny.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18- I'd be the same as well. - Yeah, cos of Christopher.
0:34:18 > 0:34:22I always find Christopher makes it sound like I'm being told off by my parents.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24THEY LAUGH
0:34:24 > 0:34:29My mum was worried that I wouldn't get a job because I was trans
0:34:29 > 0:34:32but really, it doesn't cause any problems at all.
0:34:32 > 0:34:36I definitely feel a lot more freer while I'm at work than I do at home.
0:34:36 > 0:34:40I guess because everyone here can accept me as me,
0:34:40 > 0:34:44while at home I'd get told off and have to get changed and things.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47- I'll catch you about half 12, before I leave, yeah?- OK.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49- Have a wee chat with you. OK? - Sure.- Cheers.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54My boss just asked me to have a chat at 12:30
0:34:54 > 0:34:56but I don't know what it's about.
0:34:56 > 0:35:02It would be great if he could offer me a more permanent place here. Yeah.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05- Right, so it's your last day.- Yeah.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08How do you think your three weeks has progressed so far?
0:35:08 > 0:35:10I think it's gone pretty well.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13Well, I've had some good comments from the staff
0:35:13 > 0:35:15who've felt you've been part of our team.
0:35:15 > 0:35:19- We'd like to offer you a Christmas temp job with us.- Sure.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22- How would you feel about that? - I'd be very pleased with that, yeah.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25- You'd be a good asset for us over Christmas time.- OK,
0:35:25 > 0:35:27so I'll be back on Monday, then?
0:35:27 > 0:35:29Yeah. Paid!
0:35:29 > 0:35:33- OK, well done. Thank you.- Ta.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38Yeah, it is brilliant news, yeah, it's really brilliant news.
0:35:38 > 0:35:43All that adds up to me being able to become a little more independent too.
0:35:43 > 0:35:46I could think about moving out.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49Now that I've got some money.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52Nat explained to us at the time what she was going through.
0:35:52 > 0:35:56There was one or two maybe raised eyebrows at the start
0:35:56 > 0:35:58but since then,
0:35:58 > 0:36:02everyone's just adjusted to it
0:36:02 > 0:36:07and started calling her "her" rather than "him".
0:36:15 > 0:36:18Back at home, Arlene has decided
0:36:18 > 0:36:21she wants to try and reconnect with Natalie.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24Basically, he went for a job as Nat
0:36:24 > 0:36:26and got the job as Nat.
0:36:26 > 0:36:30I thought he was playing sillies and just wanted a bit of attention,
0:36:30 > 0:36:35but he's obviously taking this serious, so that's why I'm...
0:36:35 > 0:36:39not softening a bit, but trying to compromise a little bit on him too.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42I'm going to ask him, if he's going to go shopping,
0:36:42 > 0:36:45if he wants help to try and choose clothes,
0:36:45 > 0:36:48just to try and...see if I can help.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Kieran!
0:36:51 > 0:36:55It's a big step because Arlene wants to try shopping for girl's clothes.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Come here a minute, please.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Yeah?
0:37:01 > 0:37:04I'd like for us to get to know each other again.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07We're not the way we used to be.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10It depends on... if you're willing to accept
0:37:10 > 0:37:12that I'm not Kieran.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16But you have to understand, this is all suddenly pounced on me
0:37:16 > 0:37:18that you want to be Nat.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21And I can't suddenly change my feelings
0:37:21 > 0:37:24from loving a son to loving a daughter.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27It would be nice if you could call me Nat at least once or twice
0:37:27 > 0:37:30and not say it as if it's two different people.
0:37:30 > 0:37:33You are two different people.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36Because you don't want to dress as Kieran any more.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38You want to dress as Nat.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Here I have to not be myself
0:37:40 > 0:37:42and I have be someone else.
0:37:42 > 0:37:46No, you're Kieran that you've been for 18 years.
0:37:49 > 0:37:50No.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52No? OK, so who are you then?
0:37:52 > 0:37:55I'm always Natalie, all the time.
0:37:55 > 0:37:59But I'm just a lot more quiet about it while I'm here.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02I want to try and get back some communication between us.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04Cos I love YOU.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07I always will do, whether you're Natalie or Kieran
0:38:07 > 0:38:09- and you know that.- Mm-hmm.
0:38:10 > 0:38:14'I think my mum is trying to work things out between us
0:38:14 > 0:38:16'but I don't know how that's going to go.
0:38:16 > 0:38:20'If one of us says something, we could end up starting a fight.'
0:38:20 > 0:38:24I'm still kind of worried it's going to go really, really wrong.
0:38:33 > 0:38:38Tori has been struggling with telling her beauty college friends that she's gay.
0:38:38 > 0:38:42She's talked to her teachers and they've been really supportive.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Her plan now is to come out after college today,
0:38:44 > 0:38:47starting with classmates Kadie and Holly,
0:38:47 > 0:38:49who have no idea she's a lesbian.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51I find bikini lines quite awkward.
0:38:51 > 0:38:56You have to watch what you say and can't talk about them behind their backs. So unprofessional.
0:38:56 > 0:38:59I never talked to someone, like, say if I had like a client come in
0:38:59 > 0:39:03and they were just completely like a beast...
0:39:03 > 0:39:05A werewolf comes in!
0:39:05 > 0:39:07Exactly, I too, I'd be like,
0:39:07 > 0:39:10"Oh, my God! Did you see that girl? She's a beast."
0:39:10 > 0:39:11I'd be like, "I need help in here!"
0:39:11 > 0:39:14- "I need an extra set of arms!" - Hedge trimmers!
0:39:14 > 0:39:19It's always awkward when the chat turns to boyfriends.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21The person I'm seeing at the moment,
0:39:21 > 0:39:24- I don't think they like that I'm a beauty therapist.- Why?
0:39:24 > 0:39:26Cos like, if I see like his nails...
0:39:26 > 0:39:29- I do that.- Or see his eyebrows, I'm like absolutely, "ew".
0:39:29 > 0:39:31And I have to do his eyebrows.
0:39:31 > 0:39:35I done his nails last night and I done his eyebrows.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37I was saying to mine about doing a back crack and sack
0:39:37 > 0:39:38and he was like, "No!"
0:39:38 > 0:39:42It's so funny, their reactions are like, "What? Are you serious?"
0:39:42 > 0:39:45And I'll be like, "I've booked you in," and they're like, "What?"
0:39:45 > 0:39:49It annoys me sometimes, because they can talk about their boyfriends
0:39:49 > 0:39:51and I can't really talk about Court
0:39:51 > 0:39:52but I'm hoping that when I tell them
0:39:52 > 0:39:55everything will be sorted and I won't have to hide it
0:39:55 > 0:39:58and hopefully I'll feel comfortable talking about it with them.
0:39:58 > 0:40:02I guess the only way I'm going to know is when I tell them.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Huh?
0:40:06 > 0:40:07No.
0:40:09 > 0:40:10Thank you!
0:40:10 > 0:40:12Right, what I want you to do
0:40:12 > 0:40:17is to set up your trolleys to do a mini manicure.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24Tori has to deal with a normal day in class,
0:40:24 > 0:40:27knowing she'll be coming out in a couple of hours.
0:40:27 > 0:40:31I'm also a bit excited but now I'm also really nervous
0:40:31 > 0:40:33which isn't good
0:40:33 > 0:40:34but I'll be fine.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40It's the end of the day
0:40:40 > 0:40:43and finally time for Tori to tell her classmates.
0:40:43 > 0:40:47Tori's friend Rosie, who already knows, is joining her.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50- Cheers.- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
0:40:50 > 0:40:54- What have we been talking about? - Beyonce.- About her little baby bump.
0:40:54 > 0:40:55I've got some news, right.
0:40:55 > 0:40:57I'm not pregnant, but...
0:40:57 > 0:41:00Good!
0:41:00 > 0:41:03Basically, I've been lying to you
0:41:03 > 0:41:06saying I'm straight when actually I'm a lesbian.
0:41:06 > 0:41:07- You really?- Yeah.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10- Are you actually? So Courtney's a girl?- Yeah.
0:41:10 > 0:41:12I kind of had an inkling you were anyway
0:41:12 > 0:41:15cos whenever we would be talking about guys
0:41:15 > 0:41:17you'd be sitting there, just like...
0:41:17 > 0:41:19You'd be like, "What about your boyfriend?"
0:41:19 > 0:41:22- I'd be like, "Yeah, he's great." - Why were you nervous?
0:41:22 > 0:41:24- Cos of how we would react?- Yeah.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26Why wouldn't we be OK with it?
0:41:26 > 0:41:30It's not exactly going to change who you are. You're still you.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32Cos last year, when I was doing hair,
0:41:32 > 0:41:35everyone was like, "What?"
0:41:35 > 0:41:37Did you get labelled as the lesbian?
0:41:37 > 0:41:40It was "Tor the gross lesbian" or something like that.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42I was really paranoid because
0:41:42 > 0:41:44you know we have to do bikini lines and stuff,
0:41:44 > 0:41:47I was worried in case someone found out and then was like,
0:41:47 > 0:41:49"I do not want YOU doing my bikini line."
0:41:49 > 0:41:52I wouldn't really care if a lesbian was doing my bikini line.
0:41:52 > 0:41:56- It's their job to do that.- It's not like anyone's hitting on you, is it?
0:41:56 > 0:41:58It's just, hair needs to be removed.
0:41:58 > 0:42:00It's like, if a man came in
0:42:00 > 0:42:02for a back sack and crack and a woman did it,
0:42:02 > 0:42:04he won't be like, "Oh my God, she'll hit on me!"
0:42:04 > 0:42:07They don't do that. They're just like, "I hope she's fit."
0:42:07 > 0:42:12Knowing that you know makes me feel so much more relieved
0:42:12 > 0:42:15and more like I can be me, if that makes sense.
0:42:22 > 0:42:25Feeling really good, cos they took it so well
0:42:25 > 0:42:26and oh, just happy!
0:42:26 > 0:42:28Cos they know now and I don't have to lie
0:42:28 > 0:42:31and then everyone else is going to know! And then, ooh!
0:42:31 > 0:42:34As soon as she told us, she seemed so relieved.
0:42:34 > 0:42:37I'm so happy she could actually, like, trust us.
0:42:37 > 0:42:41I think, by telling them, I've made us closer together, like as friends.
0:42:41 > 0:42:45Ah, it's just so good. We can chat about anything now.
0:42:45 > 0:42:48And they know Courtney is a girl, which is even better.
0:42:48 > 0:42:51I think the other girls on the course will be fine with it.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53Everyone seems to be really nice on the course.
0:42:53 > 0:42:57Everyone loves Tori already in the class, don't they?
0:42:57 > 0:43:00I'm really looking forward to going back after Christmas now
0:43:00 > 0:43:03cos I just can be like, to anyone else, "Guess what?"
0:43:03 > 0:43:05"I am gay!"
0:43:18 > 0:43:22Back in Hull, Jamie is having his testosterone injection.
0:43:22 > 0:43:24Jamie Walmsley, please.
0:43:24 > 0:43:26Fitting in as one of the guys
0:43:26 > 0:43:28and being as close as he can physically to a boy
0:43:28 > 0:43:31is really important to Jamie.
0:43:31 > 0:43:35It's part of his life that he can't share with his university friends.
0:43:35 > 0:43:37At the moment, I would probably say
0:43:37 > 0:43:40I was kind of 70% a guy.
0:43:40 > 0:43:43You know, the chest surgery is still a massive, massive thing for me.
0:43:43 > 0:43:47That's going to help me get to 85%.
0:43:47 > 0:43:50Since I started the testosterone injections
0:43:50 > 0:43:52I've noticed loads of changes,
0:43:52 > 0:43:54mainly in my voice, my voice has dropped a lot,
0:43:54 > 0:43:58facial hair, body hair, I used to have really big hips and a big bum
0:43:58 > 0:44:00and now I have more of a man shape. I think.
0:44:02 > 0:44:05I do wish quite often that I didn't have to be trans
0:44:05 > 0:44:08and I had just been born naturally as a guy.
0:44:08 > 0:44:10It'd have made everything a lot easier.
0:44:10 > 0:44:13MUSIC: "The Dog" by Slow Club
0:44:13 > 0:44:15Jamie is hoping to have chest surgery
0:44:15 > 0:44:19and both his breasts removed in the next three months.
0:44:19 > 0:44:25# I used to think you were a boy... #
0:44:25 > 0:44:29But despite doing all that he can to become a complete guy,
0:44:29 > 0:44:33Jamie is still worried that he is deceiving his closest friends.
0:44:33 > 0:44:35'I think of myself as a very honest person
0:44:35 > 0:44:37'so feeling like I'm carrying a secret
0:44:37 > 0:44:40'holds me back from getting close to people.
0:44:40 > 0:44:43'I love hanging out with my friend Marek at uni
0:44:43 > 0:44:46'but it's really painful feeling like I'm lying to him.
0:44:46 > 0:44:50'I worry so much that if friends find out, they'll get angry with me
0:44:50 > 0:44:52'or accuse me of deceiving them.
0:44:52 > 0:44:54'I couldn't cope with that if it happened with Marek.'
0:44:56 > 0:44:58Jamie and his sister Emily
0:44:58 > 0:45:01are off to a university Rag fundraising event,
0:45:01 > 0:45:03and Marek is going to be there.
0:45:04 > 0:45:07MUSIC: "Single Ladies" by Beyonce
0:45:12 > 0:45:13Thanks very much.
0:45:20 > 0:45:23- How well do you think the dancers did?- Really good, yeah.
0:45:23 > 0:45:26They were awesome. I thought they were so good.
0:45:26 > 0:45:27If the girls are pretty,
0:45:27 > 0:45:30that's probably why they get a crowd around them.
0:45:30 > 0:45:33- They are all really pretty. - Yes, very.
0:45:33 > 0:45:37Do you think after doing this, you'll get more involved with Rag?
0:45:37 > 0:45:39I do think I should get more involved.
0:45:39 > 0:45:42I just...I don't know. I should.
0:45:42 > 0:45:44I think you should definitely come out more, Jamie.
0:45:47 > 0:45:50It's been another day with Marek not knowing the truth.
0:45:50 > 0:45:54Jamie has to come to a decision about whether to tell him.
0:46:00 > 0:46:05Natalie has struggled for six months with mum Arlene about being a girl.
0:46:05 > 0:46:06But working at Argos as Natalie
0:46:06 > 0:46:09has made Arlene realise how serious she is.
0:46:09 > 0:46:15Arlene has suggested a shopping trip together to rebuild some bridges.
0:46:15 > 0:46:18We seem to have had a good relationship, Kieran and I.
0:46:18 > 0:46:20But lately, it's not been that good,
0:46:20 > 0:46:24and I want to...rekindle that a bit, hopefully.
0:46:24 > 0:46:28So that's the whole thing of going out today,
0:46:28 > 0:46:32to basically try and spend some time and to communicate again,
0:46:32 > 0:46:35because we don't seem to speak any more.
0:46:35 > 0:46:37It would make me feel a lot happier
0:46:37 > 0:46:40if my mum could just call me Natalie.
0:46:40 > 0:46:42We're going on a shopping trip to Aberdeen,
0:46:42 > 0:46:45where I'm most comfortable being myself,
0:46:45 > 0:46:49and where me and my friends hang out, who are all accepting.
0:46:49 > 0:46:51I really hope this goes well.
0:46:51 > 0:46:53She has never seen me as myself before.
0:46:53 > 0:46:55And I hope nothing goes wrong.
0:46:57 > 0:46:59It'll be nice for us to spend some time together,
0:46:59 > 0:47:02whether we get on or not.
0:47:03 > 0:47:04Yeah.
0:47:04 > 0:47:10- I do still love you, you know. - I know. It's just...difficult.
0:47:21 > 0:47:25Are you going to get boots or a T-shirt, or tops and things?
0:47:25 > 0:47:32- I shall see what I find.- OK. Any particular colours?- No.- Oh, well.
0:47:32 > 0:47:34Well, at least, if nothing else,
0:47:34 > 0:47:38we'll be able to spend some time with each other.
0:47:40 > 0:47:41That's nice.
0:47:42 > 0:47:47That's got long sleeves, and it's not too flowery and whatever.
0:47:48 > 0:47:51That one?
0:47:54 > 0:47:56- Are you going to try it on?- Sure.
0:48:03 > 0:48:04How's that?
0:48:06 > 0:48:09- Mm-hmm. That looks all right. - Exactly.
0:48:09 > 0:48:12Yeah, I like that. That's nice.
0:48:12 > 0:48:16So this is the first shopping trip we've done
0:48:16 > 0:48:18where he's bought girly things.
0:48:18 > 0:48:22So it's very strange, but it's...
0:48:24 > 0:48:27It's not as bad and it's not as scary as I thought.
0:48:27 > 0:48:29Ta-da!
0:48:31 > 0:48:35- It's really strange seeing you in a dress.- Because I'm a lesbian?
0:48:35 > 0:48:39Because what you had on before was a T-shirt.
0:48:39 > 0:48:41Boys and girls both wear T-shirts.
0:48:41 > 0:48:44But it's just...
0:48:46 > 0:48:50It's just very... strange.
0:48:51 > 0:48:54That's nice on but I think it looks too tight.
0:48:56 > 0:48:58I think that looks too tight.
0:48:58 > 0:49:01Well, it would double up as a dress.
0:49:01 > 0:49:05It would do, with tights or black leggings,
0:49:05 > 0:49:07and nice boots with a heel.
0:49:07 > 0:49:09Exactly.
0:49:09 > 0:49:11Yeah.
0:49:11 > 0:49:13I know it'll take a while for you to get used to it.
0:49:13 > 0:49:17- I'm getting used to it. I'm coming round to the idea.- Yeah.
0:49:17 > 0:49:20It still doesn't mean I'm totally comfortable with this,
0:49:20 > 0:49:23but I'm at least trying.
0:49:25 > 0:49:26Yeah.
0:49:26 > 0:49:30it's a bit scary seeing him in, like, a nice posh dress.
0:49:30 > 0:49:34So...it's something I'm going to have to get used to,
0:49:34 > 0:49:37but I think today's going really well so far.
0:49:37 > 0:49:41I still don't think I can call Kieran Nat.
0:49:41 > 0:49:45Um...I don't know...
0:49:45 > 0:49:49Just doesn't seem right.
0:49:50 > 0:49:53- Receipts OK in the bag? - Yeah, that's perfect, thanks.
0:49:53 > 0:49:55Lunch!
0:49:55 > 0:49:59- Get the energy back, yeah?- Yes! Thanks a lot.
0:49:59 > 0:50:02- Going out this way?- Sure. - Thanks. Bye.
0:50:09 > 0:50:11So what do you think?
0:50:11 > 0:50:14Tuna melt. I'm going to be boring.
0:50:14 > 0:50:16So how do you think it's going, then?
0:50:16 > 0:50:23- Not too bad. I thought it would be a lot worse.- In what way?- I don't know.
0:50:24 > 0:50:28Like, you might not have liked what I chose to wear.
0:50:28 > 0:50:32You might...call me "he" an awful lot more.
0:50:32 > 0:50:36I am...I am trying not to.
0:50:36 > 0:50:40It's something I'm working on. And I think of what I'm saying.
0:50:40 > 0:50:42- Yeah.- I'm not shocked as I thought I would be.
0:50:42 > 0:50:44Good.
0:50:44 > 0:50:48I thought I would be quite shocked and emotional,
0:50:48 > 0:50:52and I just wouldn't accept seeing you in a girly top.
0:50:52 > 0:50:55Well, it does show you're trying,
0:50:55 > 0:50:59cos you did buy the top for me. And it shows that you are supportive.
0:51:01 > 0:51:04It's better than I thought.
0:51:04 > 0:51:08- It's good you like it too.- I don't like it as much as the other one.
0:51:08 > 0:51:10< SHE LAUGHS
0:51:10 > 0:51:14- Well, tough. - It's nice to see you smiling.
0:51:14 > 0:51:18- Yeah.- Cos it's not often I see you smiling nowadays.- Exactly.
0:51:18 > 0:51:20So, yeah, I'm having a nice time.
0:51:20 > 0:51:23And if we don't get round everything today,
0:51:23 > 0:51:25we can always come back another day.
0:51:34 > 0:51:37The shopping trip with my mum went really well.
0:51:37 > 0:51:40I expected it to get awkward, but nothing bad happened,
0:51:40 > 0:51:41so it's all good.
0:51:41 > 0:51:44My mum also bought me a lovely dress, and didn't call me her son
0:51:44 > 0:51:47to anyone in the shops. Although there's still a lot to go,
0:51:47 > 0:51:50my mum has taken steps in the right direction,
0:51:50 > 0:51:54which is making me feel a lot happier too.
0:52:03 > 0:52:07I've decided to tell Marek, and today is the day.
0:52:07 > 0:52:10I'm so nervous. I really hope he doesn't take it badly.
0:52:10 > 0:52:13He seems a great guy, and I want to be a better friend.
0:52:13 > 0:52:16I need to be honest. Hopefully,
0:52:16 > 0:52:18it just won't matter and nothing will change.
0:52:18 > 0:52:22I really don't want to end up being treated like a girl.
0:52:24 > 0:52:27You're not worrying about it, are you?
0:52:27 > 0:52:28I always worry about it.
0:52:28 > 0:52:31It's a scary thing to do, to just tell somebody.
0:52:31 > 0:52:35If it holds you back, you should tell who you need to tell and do what you need to do.
0:52:35 > 0:52:37But at the same time, if I tell people,
0:52:37 > 0:52:41it's going to hold me back just as much, but in a different way.
0:52:41 > 0:52:45- If I tell people, I'm just going to be treated like a girl.- No.
0:52:45 > 0:52:48I don't think so. You've gone too far along the path
0:52:48 > 0:52:51of testosterone and your voice and appearance and everything.
0:52:51 > 0:52:54Nobody's going to treat you as a girl.
0:52:54 > 0:52:57You think they're going to start opening doors for you
0:52:57 > 0:53:01and being polite and not swearing in front of you and stuff like that?
0:53:01 > 0:53:03You don't think you're brave, but I think you're brave.
0:53:03 > 0:53:07- You are brave.- I don't feel brave. - You are, Jay.
0:53:07 > 0:53:10You should be really proud of yourself. I'm really proud of you.
0:53:10 > 0:53:14I just keep my hair short and wear boys' clothes and stuff.
0:53:18 > 0:53:21Jamie's off to uni, where he's arranged
0:53:21 > 0:53:24to hook up with Marek for a drink at the end of the day.
0:53:32 > 0:53:37I'm about to meet Marek and tell him about the fact that I'm trans,
0:53:37 > 0:53:39and I'm really nervous.
0:53:39 > 0:53:43Worrying that something bad will happen, that he'll be weirded out
0:53:43 > 0:53:47or not want to talk to me or just be awkward. I just want it to go OK.
0:53:47 > 0:53:49I'm really, really scared about telling him,
0:53:49 > 0:53:52so just nervous, really, really nervous.
0:54:00 > 0:54:03Jamie has decided he wants to tell Marek off camera.
0:54:19 > 0:54:22Went much better than I expected! Basically, I told him,
0:54:22 > 0:54:26and he was just like "cool", and then just carried on chatting to me.
0:54:26 > 0:54:30I'm really happy that Jamie's told me, cos I feel
0:54:30 > 0:54:34that he obviously trusts me as a friend, so therefore I can trust him
0:54:34 > 0:54:36with whatever I want to say
0:54:36 > 0:54:38if there's anything I come to him about.
0:54:38 > 0:54:41I just feel so much better about it now. I was so worried.
0:54:41 > 0:54:45I felt awful...not really for nothing,
0:54:45 > 0:54:48but nothing bad happened, so so pleased.
0:54:48 > 0:54:51I would have never guessed it,
0:54:51 > 0:54:55so it's like no-one would know because it's not easy to guess.
0:54:55 > 0:54:58I suppose before I started having injections
0:54:58 > 0:55:00and stuff which give me the hormones,
0:55:00 > 0:55:04I was more girly and I came across as being just a really butch girl.
0:55:04 > 0:55:05You'll still be like one of the lads
0:55:05 > 0:55:09and we'll still go out for drinks and stuff, so it's all good.
0:55:09 > 0:55:13That's cool. Cos that's always the thing I worry about with people.
0:55:13 > 0:55:16There's people I've told before,
0:55:16 > 0:55:20but then immediately, people see me as a girl, and I'm not a girl.
0:55:20 > 0:55:24So sometimes I find that hard, being treated differently.
0:55:24 > 0:55:26But that's really cool that you think that.
0:55:26 > 0:55:28I'm glad that you told me.
0:55:28 > 0:55:31- That's cool. I'm glad I told you too.- Cool.
0:55:34 > 0:55:37Jamie, Natalie and Tori
0:55:37 > 0:55:40have all come out to the world in their own way.
0:55:40 > 0:55:44All the girls on Tori's beauty course now know she's a lesbian,
0:55:44 > 0:55:47and it means she can be open about her girlfriend, Courtney.
0:55:47 > 0:55:51I think my friendship with the girls is going to be stronger now.
0:55:51 > 0:55:53I'm just me, and no secrets.
0:55:53 > 0:55:55Now I feel like I can just go out
0:55:55 > 0:55:57and tell them anything and be who I really am.
0:55:59 > 0:56:03It's been a revelation to Jamie that even though he was born a girl,
0:56:03 > 0:56:06good friends like Marek still consider him a boy.
0:56:06 > 0:56:10When Marek said that he still saw me as one of the lads, I was so happy.
0:56:10 > 0:56:15I think I'll feel much more confident going out and getting more involved
0:56:15 > 0:56:17at university, which I'm delighted about.
0:56:17 > 0:56:21For Natalie, things are still up and down at home,
0:56:21 > 0:56:25but she's about to start family counselling with mum Arlene
0:56:25 > 0:56:27to help them work through things together.
0:56:27 > 0:56:30I'm really proud of who I am,
0:56:30 > 0:56:34and I think my mum is trying hard to accept me as Natalie.
0:56:34 > 0:56:36Hopefully in the future, my mum can be proud of me too.
0:56:56 > 0:56:59Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:56:59 > 0:57:01e-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk