0:00:11 > 0:00:17This is a story of love and loss that spans a lifetime.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20As a young single woman,
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Carol King Eckersley gave birth to a boy
0:00:23 > 0:00:25and gave him for adoption.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36She's longed to know how his life turned out.
0:00:36 > 0:00:41In April 2013, she decided to find out.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45And so began an extraordinary journey -
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Carol's search for her lost son.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53I typed his name in
0:00:53 > 0:00:56and it brought me to a website.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58And I looked and I said, "My God, it's him."
0:00:58 > 0:01:01It was his birth date.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02And I looked in the mirror and I said,
0:01:02 > 0:01:04"He looks like me."
0:01:05 > 0:01:08"But why are they only showing a part of his life?"
0:01:10 > 0:01:15And it finally dawned on me that it was right
0:01:15 > 0:01:20and I just said, "My God, my baby's dead."
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Ken Bissett was one of 35 Syracuse University students
0:01:37 > 0:01:40who died on the flight home from a term in London.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- BBC NEWS:- As relatives of those killed in the Lockerbie bombing
0:01:43 > 0:01:45prepare to mark the 25th anniversary of the attack,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48the anguish of one mother has only just begun.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51We love you, sweetheart.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55As relatives gathered to remember, 25 years on,
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Carol was attending for the very first time,
0:01:58 > 0:02:00having only just learned of her loss.
0:02:00 > 0:02:06Even though I didn't have him with me physically
0:02:06 > 0:02:09he was always in my heart.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Having covered Carol's story at the time,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I've kept in touch with her
0:02:13 > 0:02:16and as the months have passed, I've wondered how she's coping.
0:02:16 > 0:02:21So, I've come to see her at home in Portland, Oregon, to find out.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- Hi, Carol.- Glenn!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- It's so good to see you. - Great to see you, too.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27'Since we last met,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30'Carol's learned a lot about her son.'
0:02:30 > 0:02:32'She has a folder on his life,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35'which has been filling up as some of those who knew Ken
0:02:35 > 0:02:37'have got in touch.'
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Not only have I met one of his best friends from high school,
0:02:40 > 0:02:47I've, via e-mail, met a girl who lived next door to him
0:02:47 > 0:02:50and knew him while he was a toddler.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52And she sent me pictures.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- That's a cracking picture. - Isn't that wonderful?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Ken died two days after his 21st birthday.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13His parents, John and Flo Bissett, lost their only child.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17It was so devastating for his parents.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19He was their life.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- They were good parents. - Very good, very good.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Everything I wanted for him...
0:03:27 > 0:03:29came through.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31That's what I wanted.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I wanted him to have a mum and a dad who loved each other
0:03:34 > 0:03:36and loved him.
0:03:36 > 0:03:41And could allow him to be the best he could be,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44and be unconditional in their love.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45And that's what he got.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Carol's album gives her a glimpse into the life Ken led.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56But she wants more.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59And she doesn't have to travel far to find it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Mike Nicholas is one of Ken's best friends from school in New York
0:04:03 > 0:04:07and by coincidence he now lives near Carol in Portland.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11He can tell her what Ken was like as a teenager.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14So we went to a lot of jazz clubs in Manhattan.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16And kind of hung out a lot,
0:04:16 > 0:04:20all throughout senior year and on into college.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24We would stay up all night talking, you know, about why.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28You know?! Whether it was music, or Springsteen at the time,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31or jazz...or, you know, God
0:04:31 > 0:04:32or lack thereof.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35But we would, you know, talk all night long.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38I mean, I don't know if any of us needed sleep.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Ken is so important to Mike
0:04:42 > 0:04:46that he gave the name Bissett to one of his children.
0:04:46 > 0:04:51My middle child, her name is Ava Bissett Nicholas.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54She is Ava Bissett Nicholas because of Ken.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Ken meant a lot to me.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I picked the name cos that's how I use middle names,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03is to honour people before me.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I think I've learned more from Mike than anybody
0:05:09 > 0:05:11about the kind of person he was.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14It makes him real for me.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18It makes him a real person.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22And when you have a real person
0:05:22 > 0:05:25you can really grieve.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32And that's the gift I've been given.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34You know?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42I think it'll be the Saturday after we get back...
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Carol's older sister Sandi has been by her side
0:05:46 > 0:05:48ever since she brought Ken into the world.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50They are best friends.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53And Carol needs that support now more than ever,
0:05:53 > 0:05:57as she takes the next steps on her journey.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58At their favourite restaurant,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Carol and Sandi are planning to visit the United Kingdom,
0:06:01 > 0:06:05where Ken spent the last months of his life.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07As far as I know we're leaving at 3:30,
0:06:07 > 0:06:10going up through Vancouver
0:06:10 > 0:06:15and we'll arrive in London at 11:40am.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18In London, they'll meet the man who taught Ken photography.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20They're also steeling themselves
0:06:20 > 0:06:25to visit the town where Ken was one of 270 people who died.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27When we go to Lockerbie
0:06:27 > 0:06:34I know they can show me where they found Ken.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I've thought about it a lot.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I didn't know if I could do that
0:06:38 > 0:06:41but I want to.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43(I want to.)
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I want to go the whole trip.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- That's going to be rough. - It's going to be very rough.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53When Carol and Sandi were young,
0:06:53 > 0:06:57children born outside marriage were not talked about.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01For decades, Carol's baby was their secret.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03It wasn't until I was in Syracuse
0:07:03 > 0:07:06that the stigma of being an unmarried mother...
0:07:06 > 0:07:11I realised I had been carrying that for 46 years.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17And I was finally able to let it go because I did belong.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19I WAS his mother.
0:07:21 > 0:07:26Carol's lightened her emotional burden by confronting her past.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28She was advised to so by a grief counsellor
0:07:28 > 0:07:30after her husband died.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34She hopes the painful journey ahead will heal her further
0:07:34 > 0:07:37and serve a wider purpose.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I just feel like...
0:07:40 > 0:07:43If I can help anybody,
0:07:43 > 0:07:47like the mums who were in the same position I was,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50back in the '60s,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53if I can be of any help to them...
0:07:53 > 0:07:57to let them know that they're OK.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Carol and Sandi are crossing the Atlantic Ocean,
0:08:09 > 0:08:12just as Ken did a generation ago.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16It was a journey from which he did not return.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Now Carol wants to walk where Ken walked
0:08:19 > 0:08:22in the hope that it will bring her closer to her son.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Oh, heavenly days, is that Westminster?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50- It has to be.- Oh, my gosh.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Wow, there's Big Ben.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59As well as sightseeing in London,
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Carol and Sandi want to retrace Ken's steps
0:09:03 > 0:09:06with help from his photography professor, Ian Hessenberg.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10As you know, it was 25 years ago
0:09:10 > 0:09:14and I still have very strong memories of those kids, you know,
0:09:14 > 0:09:15and especially Ken.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Ian's a link to the precious last days of Ken's life.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23He can show Carol the flat where Ken lived
0:09:23 > 0:09:26and the places he explored here in London.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30More than that, he can show her a little of who Ken really was.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Oh, I love that.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37OK, so with the comparison there...
0:09:37 > 0:09:39He was a lovely, cheeky boy.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41He was very sweet.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- He had a good sense of humour, didn't he?- Amazing!
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Very dry sense of humour and he was very cheeky.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48This cheeky young man
0:09:48 > 0:09:51was one of five promising students taught by Ian
0:09:51 > 0:09:55who boarded Pan Am's ill-fated Flight 103.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57It was a kind of paradox that those five
0:09:57 > 0:10:00that I lost on that Lockerbie flight
0:10:00 > 0:10:03were one of the best groups I'd ever had.
0:10:03 > 0:10:08And it's not just sentimental, they really were amazing.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13It was devastating to lose them...
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- So...- Oh, my.
0:10:16 > 0:10:22But in a way the celebration is that I learnt from them,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25as fresh as their lives were...
0:10:25 > 0:10:26And...
0:10:31 > 0:10:34They just should have gone on a lot longer.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38Still, after all these years, I still think of them.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- You know? It's crazy, absolutely crazy.- Oh...
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- CRYING: I definitely understand that. - Yeah.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50The building Ken studied in
0:10:50 > 0:10:55is included in Ian's tour of what was, in 1988, Syracuse London.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00That's the campus, here.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04We would have come out of my classroom here
0:11:04 > 0:11:07and that basement, little steps up,
0:11:07 > 0:11:11that's where my class would have come out our exit.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14They would have all night access to the building.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17OK, hon.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19If we want to go across the road, now...
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- CAROL SOBS - Oh, honey.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50ORGAN MUSIC
0:11:58 > 0:12:03It's been a little...gut-wrenching.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I felt like he was right there with me.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12And I was walking with him,
0:12:12 > 0:12:15not just where he had walked.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- And we'd have great fun down there. - Was the gate there?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20This is the gate where he would have walked in, yeah.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24'I felt him so strongly at one point'
0:12:24 > 0:12:26I thought I might pass out.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30I'm sorry, Ian, I didn't expect it to hit me quite that hard.
0:12:30 > 0:12:36- Are you glad you came? - Oh, I am so glad I came.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Never apologise for your tears.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39That's what it's all about.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42'I don't care if I lose all of my mascara.'
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I wouldn't have missed this for anything.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH
0:13:20 > 0:13:24The next stop on Carol's journey is the Scottish capital.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35She's discovered that in his last few months
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Ken visited Edinburgh and its imposing castle with friends.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41In it goes...
0:13:41 > 0:13:42- Oh!- Uh-oh!
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Oh!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- The sun is out!- The sun is out.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03I believe that you have an enquiry you would like some help with.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Yes, I do.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09This is a picture that was taken of my son,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12who was on Pan Am 103.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- I'd like to find where this is. - Where the picture was taken?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17We don't have to look too far...
0:14:17 > 0:14:21- OK.- ..because this doorway here
0:14:21 > 0:14:23is actually this doorway here.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27- Oh, my word!- Oh, for heaven's sake. It is.- Yeah.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Look at the boys. I mean, they are having a wonderful time.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- Beautiful.- Oh, my.- Oh, my.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36So, we're standing right at the location
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- where the photograph was taken. - Oh, my!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41# We keep this love in a photograph
0:14:43 > 0:14:47# We made these memories for ourselves
0:14:47 > 0:14:49# Where our eyes are never closing
0:14:49 > 0:14:51# Hearts are never broken
0:14:51 > 0:14:54# And time's for ever frozen still... #
0:14:54 > 0:14:59Every snapshot is of huge importance to Carol.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01That's all I have.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05I can never touch him,
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I can never hear his voice.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13The things that mothers always take for granted.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21This is Carol's first visit to Scotland
0:15:21 > 0:15:23but she has already made a friend here.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Marion McMillan has been a huge source of strength to her.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30But until now, they've only exchanged online hugs.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32There she is.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Hi!
0:15:33 > 0:15:36At last, they have the chance to meet.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40- A real tartan hug! - A real tartan hug.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Not only do Carol and Marion share friendship,
0:15:43 > 0:15:45they also share the experience
0:15:45 > 0:15:48of being separated from a child by adoption.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51With Marion, Carol knows she's talking with someone
0:15:51 > 0:15:54who really understands.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- See, you're building him... - A picture.- I am!
0:15:57 > 0:15:58- I'm building him up.- Yeah.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01When I talked to his friend Mike,
0:16:01 > 0:16:06Mike said it was never a secret that he was adopted,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08- that that was well known. - Mm-hm, yeah.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13You really do weep with those that weep
0:16:13 > 0:16:15because you understand their journey.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19And I knew that she had a big bit of journey to go.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22And if she felt that there was others there
0:16:22 > 0:16:23walking that walk with her,
0:16:23 > 0:16:25she wasn't alone.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30As unmarried mums in the 1960s,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Carol and Marion were frowned upon by society.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Many thousands of women have silently suffered that stigma.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46That's my Anthony.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49But attitudes have changed and the film Philomena,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52about another mother's search for her lost son,
0:16:52 > 0:16:54has opened up this difficult subject.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56He's dead, isn't he?
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Yes, I'm sorry.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02SHE SOBS
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I just...
0:17:14 > 0:17:15It's OK.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25She found her son, just like you.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27'Even though...'
0:17:29 > 0:17:35..the treatment of the person can be different,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38the emotions are the same.
0:17:40 > 0:17:47The deep longing for your child...
0:17:47 > 0:17:49is the same.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Oh, my God. - It's like your journey, isn't it?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Oh, it's so close in so many ways.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Your children that you're separated from
0:18:00 > 0:18:03don't believe that you think about them every day.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05There's an umbilical link that never severs.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09There's a psychological link that's there.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12You're mentally attached to them but they're physically gone,
0:18:12 > 0:18:14and they're there the whole time.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Carol has travelled far from home to get closer to her son.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22In New York, London and Edinburgh
0:18:22 > 0:18:25she's pieced together the life Ken had.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28But the hardest leg of her journey is still ahead -
0:18:28 > 0:18:32to learn exactly how his life ended in Lockerbie.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Here's Tundergarth.- That's it.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38That was where the nose cone went
0:18:38 > 0:18:42and the people that were in the front of the plane were found.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44We need to go out there.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51'I have knots in my stomach.'
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Why am I doing this?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56He had a short life.
0:18:56 > 0:19:01I want to find out as much about those 21 years as I can.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05So how can I not do this?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17In Lockerbie, they're meeting a local police officer
0:19:17 > 0:19:19who was on duty on the night of the crash.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Colin Dorrance has offered to be their guide.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26At 18, Colin was the youngest police officer
0:19:26 > 0:19:28to deal with the devastation.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31He's been reluctant to talk about it in the past.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33But he wants to help Carol understand
0:19:33 > 0:19:35the enormity of what happened.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41A few days before Christmas 1988,
0:19:41 > 0:19:44the world woke to these unforgettable images
0:19:44 > 0:19:48of what remains the deadliest terrorist attack in the UK.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55Colin's taking Carol and Sandi to where the nose cone came down.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58It was approximately this spot, here.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Almost exactly here. That's south, there...- OK.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11..and that's the general direction
0:20:11 > 0:20:14that international air traffic from Heathrow,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17bound for the USA, would travel.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20So the aircraft would come from that way.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25- You just can't...- The scope. It's hard to visualise, you know?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Even though I've seen the picture of the cockpit.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38There were bodies scattered across this hillside.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Local doctors, called out to check for signs of life,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43found no survivors.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46At least one of these medics still lives in the town.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51Dr Ken McQueen certified the deaths of many passengers.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Carol's come to ask him how much her son would have suffered.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I've been told
0:20:57 > 0:21:03that probably they were pretty much instantly gone.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Is that true?
0:21:05 > 0:21:06I think there's uncertainty
0:21:06 > 0:21:08but to the best of my knowledge and belief
0:21:08 > 0:21:10it's probable that they'd be unconscious
0:21:10 > 0:21:13from immediately after that.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16There'd be an explosion within the aeroplane
0:21:16 > 0:21:20and there'd be oxygen-free air
0:21:20 > 0:21:23so that consciousness would at least be clouded.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Yes.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28And I think if that could be any comfort to you...
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- It was a comfort to me, you know? - It was.- It is.- Yes.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Yes, thank you very much.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35You're more than welcome, my dear, you're more than welcome.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I know that your son was adopted, we know the story.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41And I'd like you to think that he's been adopted twice, Carol,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- cos we've adopted him too. - Thank you.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46As we have with all the rest of the people
0:21:46 > 0:21:48that we never met and will never know.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52But I think the town has taken them all to their hearts.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08SIRENS
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Wreckage fell across Lockerbie,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24leaving a huge crater where homes had been
0:22:24 > 0:22:25in one corner of town.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Today Colin is taking Carol to another quiet neighbourhood
0:22:32 > 0:22:36where part of the plane and dozens of passengers came down.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Every step of Carol's journey so far
0:22:39 > 0:22:42has been a preparation for this moment.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46The miracle of this area here
0:22:46 > 0:22:51- is that no resident was killed or badly hurt.- It's amazing.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54It's just totally amazing.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58But this was however an area where many of the passengers,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01including Kenneth, fell.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Was it down in the yard here, Colin?
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Yes.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34(It's so damned far to fall.)
0:23:52 > 0:23:57- Oh, look at the tree.- Oh, you can see the train going by.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Not many of those who lived in these streets at the time of the crash
0:24:15 > 0:24:16live here now.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20But Carol's heard that this house has not changed hands
0:24:20 > 0:24:21and that the owner, Peter Giesecke,
0:24:21 > 0:24:25will share his experiences of that awful night.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27I seen this red glow in the sky,
0:24:27 > 0:24:30coming right across, right over the top, there,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33and then this huge explosion.
0:24:43 > 0:24:48Peter took photographs of the scene on the morning after the crash.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51There were bodies all over, all over here, you know?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Absolutely. That's one of them.
0:24:54 > 0:25:00Well, here we have here, we're standing just over there.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01Oh, my gosh.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Oh, my little boy might be in that.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12The wreckage may be long gone
0:25:12 > 0:25:15but the emotional impact of the Lockerbie bombing
0:25:15 > 0:25:18remains extremely powerful.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Especially for Carol,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23who is probably the last person in the world
0:25:23 > 0:25:26to have learned of a loved one lost here.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31SHE SIGHS There's Kenny.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42CRYING: It shouldn't have happened.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45(It just shouldn't have happened.)
0:26:02 > 0:26:04You shouldn't be there.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13'He was so...'
0:26:16 > 0:26:19..ready to be a grown-up
0:26:19 > 0:26:24and live a good life
0:26:24 > 0:26:26and be a good person
0:26:26 > 0:26:30and he never had the chance.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Here you are.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39These are for you.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47No, I'm not OK.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- I hurt.- Oh, honey.- I hurt.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02SHE SOBS
0:27:10 > 0:27:16All the horror and the sorrow just kind of all came together
0:27:16 > 0:27:19and at one point I thought,
0:27:19 > 0:27:23"I just want to wail and wail and not stop."
0:27:23 > 0:27:26But I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Yes.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32OK.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- OK?- I'm OK, I'm OK...
0:27:45 > 0:27:46All right...
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- Do you want to sit down?- Yeah.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51'I've learned that'
0:27:51 > 0:27:54the adoption process
0:27:54 > 0:27:57is something that is not understood enough.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59I know I didn't.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01I didn't.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03I gave Ken in adoption
0:28:03 > 0:28:07for what I thought were all the best reasons -
0:28:07 > 0:28:08so he would have a home
0:28:08 > 0:28:10with a mother and a father who loved each other
0:28:10 > 0:28:12and could love him.
0:28:13 > 0:28:18But I didn't know what it was going to do to me...
0:28:18 > 0:28:21and how it would affect me for the rest of my life.