0:00:02 > 0:00:04I've spent a lifetime asking awkward questions,
0:00:04 > 0:00:06the ones we all want to know the answers to but, apart from me,
0:00:06 > 0:00:09are probably too polite to ask.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Why are you still a virgin at 32?
0:00:11 > 0:00:13- You don't have to answer it.- OK.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15What about the bits below, do you shave them?
0:00:15 > 0:00:18- Yes, I have shaved.- That's a really below-the-belt question.
0:00:18 > 0:00:19Of course it is.
0:00:19 > 0:00:20I've been up and down Britain,
0:00:20 > 0:00:25putting people on the spot about things that really matter to them,
0:00:25 > 0:00:26but they'd rather not reveal.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Are you in a relationship?
0:00:28 > 0:00:30It's complicated.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Tonight, I'm shaking and rattling relationships.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Oh, my God! This is crazy.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36No, no, I'm freaking out!
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Are you happily married, or do you just look as if you are?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I thought we had a fairy tale marriage...
0:00:44 > 0:00:45..and we haven't.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47What's the key to marital bliss?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49I flex the pecs.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Is it money and status?
0:00:51 > 0:00:54I'm going to live part-time in this beautiful house
0:00:54 > 0:00:55and I've got a title...
0:00:55 > 0:00:59And do successful couples need to agree on everything?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Who made me into a nag?
0:01:01 > 0:01:02You did.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06I'm also going to give two volunteers the chance to pry
0:01:06 > 0:01:08into each other's lives.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09I thought he was maybe a cross-dresser,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11- and you guys have to share clothes...- Really?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13What I want to find out is...
0:01:13 > 0:01:16how happy is your relationship?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24# Ooh, you make me live, now, honey
0:01:24 > 0:01:26# Ooh... #
0:01:26 > 0:01:29There are 18 million couples in Britain.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Almost three quarters of those are married.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35How does that work?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- Are you happily married? - Oh, God, yeah. He's my best friend.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- Really? How long have you been married?- 20 years.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42What makes a good partner?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45You need to fancy the other person, constantly.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Is sex important?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- Yeah. Absolutely. - How many times a week?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Reasonably frequently, actually. It's good.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52- Well, I'm separated.- Why?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Differences in lifestyle.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57OK. What's your lifestyle?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I'm probably relatively boring.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Have you tried being less boring?
0:02:01 > 0:02:06# L is for the way you look at me... #
0:02:06 > 0:02:08What's the thing you like best about your partner?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10There's a lot of things really, but she can't tell a lie.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I quite respect that. I'm quite good at lying.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15She's funny. She's clever.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16She's just...
0:02:16 > 0:02:17she's just great.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19# V is very, very extraordinary
0:02:19 > 0:02:25# E is even more than anyone that you adore... #
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Cards on the table, I've had two lovely husbands
0:02:30 > 0:02:33and divorced them both, so I'm permanently intrigued
0:02:33 > 0:02:38how other people can get the hang of marriage and I never could.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Is it enough to be in love?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Well, probably not.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46What else do successful couples have to have to keep them together?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Research shows, not unsurprisingly,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52that couples who play together are more likely to stay together.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59I'm at a St George's Day celebration in Hertfordshire.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Medieval re-enactment is Malcolm's hobby.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06A wife would surely have to be besotted
0:03:06 > 0:03:08to play his damsel on a day like today.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I'm sorry it is so cold.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15What are you doing here on a freezing cold day?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- Don't ask.- Enjoying ourselves.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- Are you?- This is our big hobby.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22We do this rain, snow, sun, shine, whatever.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26And the re-enactors' motto is we're all here because we're not all here.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Malcolm is semi-retired.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37The couple have been married 31 years.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Oh!
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Oh, he's...! Oh, no.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Hooray!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47CHEERING
0:03:47 > 0:03:50That's an awful lot of palaver on a very cold day
0:03:50 > 0:03:52so that Malcolm can enjoy himself.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53You're quite right, it is.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56But I think it's something that's really important
0:03:56 > 0:03:59because it's something we enjoy doing together.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Is that part of the secret of a happy marriage?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Well, I think it is.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07It's...it's tolerance, isn't it?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Everybody has to give and take,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11and this is what we do. We give and take.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Are you happily married?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- Yes, we are. - On a scale of one to ten?
0:04:16 > 0:04:17I suppose we're about nine and a half.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19- Really?- Yeah, absolutely.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- But it hasn't always been like that. - Oh, God, no.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23No, it hasn't.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24What happened?
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Well, Malcolm had an affair.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Wow!
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- So...- How long before you found out?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Apparently it was six years, which is ridiculous in hindsight.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- Six years.- Six years!
0:04:37 > 0:04:41And when you confronted him, what was his excuse?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43He didn't really have an excuse,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45but he did say,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48"I thought we had a fairy tale marriage,
0:04:48 > 0:04:49"and we haven't."
0:04:51 > 0:04:52So, to soothe his disappointment,
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Malcolm decided to make matters worse by cheating on Janet.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Astonishingly, getting away with it for six years.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Alas, he's in the majority.
0:05:02 > 0:05:07A whopping 60% of men will play away at some point in their relationship,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10while only 45% of women will.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12But here they are together, ten years on.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16And according to Janet, the marriage is blissful again.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20I just wonder how they managed to revive the relationship
0:05:20 > 0:05:22after trust had gone out of the window.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- What would you like to drink? - A cup of tea, if you're making one.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Yeah. Absolutely.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Because I'm very, very nosy,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I saw it being opened earlier.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Two irons...
0:05:37 > 0:05:38..and two ironing boards.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43- Why?- Well, because the theory was, when we were both working full-time,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46on a Sunday, we'd put a film on and we'd do the ironing each,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48and we could whistle through it.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Is this an example of things you do together?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54It's not an exciting thing we do together, is it?
0:05:54 > 0:05:55I think it's quite endearing.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01Indeed, Malcolm says he now behaves like a good husband.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03So, what led him astray?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06How did the affair begin?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Um...
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Janet and I weren't going through a very good period at the time.
0:06:12 > 0:06:18And this woman made it very, very obvious that she was interested.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Every time I saw her, she made it absolutely plain.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22And, after two years,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I thought, what the hell?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28What do you think it is about you that women are drawn to?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I'm told women find me dangerous...
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- Do you?- Yeah.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I'm not sure if I'm dangerous sexually,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38or if I'm dangerous physically,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40- or...- Have you always had a good body?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Yes. I flex the pecs.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Wow!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Do you think it was her fault, this other woman?
0:06:48 > 0:06:49- What, the affair?- Yeah.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52It was my choice to join in,
0:06:52 > 0:06:56but she absolutely made a total beeline for me.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Did you imagine...
0:06:58 > 0:07:00..Janet's feelings should she find out?
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Janet had always said, if I have an affair,
0:07:04 > 0:07:05that's the end.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09I had a woman that was just great in bed and all the rest of it, so,
0:07:09 > 0:07:13the thing uppermost in my mind was to make sure she didn't find out.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14For six years...
0:07:16 > 0:07:17..you had been unfaithful to Janet.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Where was your shame, Malcolm?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I didn't have any.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24And that appals me.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28And Janet found out.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31She said to me, tell me you haven't had an affair with that woman.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33And I said, I can't.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Please don't leave me.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35He burst into tears.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- I burst into tears. - And I cuddled him.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- Did you?- Yes!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Did you feel sorry for him?
0:07:43 > 0:07:47I felt relief that I wasn't the stupid one,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50that my suspicions were actually real.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53And then I thought we could deal with it.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57You never forget. Women are like elephants.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58They never forget.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00But, in order to forgive,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03you have to make a conscious effort.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Why on earth did Janet stick by Malcolm
0:08:10 > 0:08:14after such a record of blatant infidelity?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Anyone hearing your story...
0:08:16 > 0:08:20- Mm.- ..would think how astonishing of you...
0:08:21 > 0:08:26..to be so generous of spirit, and to forgive.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Generous of spirit to Malcolm, yes.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31To forgive. To forgive her?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Never. If I saw her now, I'd claw her eyes out.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37And it's taken a REAL effort, I can tell you.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Far more than perhaps he realises.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41It was SO difficult.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46For a good few years afterwards, you know, if we were making love,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49all I would think of is her and him together.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52And you have to make a conscious effort
0:08:52 > 0:08:54to close your mind off to that.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Janet, why did you forgive him?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Because I wanted the marriage to continue,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01and because I think he deserved another chance.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03People are just far too ready to give up on things.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07"Oh, he doesn't work. Throw him away and get somebody else."
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Life's not black and white like that.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14When you look back over 31 years...
0:09:15 > 0:09:19..the happiness and the relationship you have now,
0:09:19 > 0:09:21has it all been worth it?
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Yes.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Do you love him?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I suppose I do!
0:09:34 > 0:09:38For my money, Malcolm is a very lucky so-and-so.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Most women would have told Janet to kick him out.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45But, hang on a second.
0:09:45 > 0:09:51Because Janet showed compassion and worked through his betrayal...
0:09:52 > 0:09:55..she's gained another ten years of happiness with him.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57So, forgiveness can work.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02From the outside, it's almost impossible to pinpoint
0:10:02 > 0:10:04what keeps a couple together.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07To help us explore, I've asked two very different couples
0:10:07 > 0:10:09to live in each other's pockets for a while,
0:10:09 > 0:10:11to see what they can find out.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Meet the Burkes - Claire, 49, and a full-time mother,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19husband, David, 43,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22and their seven-year-old son, Jay,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24who has Down's syndrome.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Claire and Jay live in this house in Bradford
0:10:29 > 0:10:31with Claire's three other sons from a previous marriage.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37David, who's a firefighter, doesn't live here, ever.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38We've been together 15 years,
0:10:38 > 0:10:42and we have never lived together in the same house.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47David and Claire's living arrangement is
0:10:47 > 0:10:52part of a growing trend known as LAT, or living apart together.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55It now accounts for 10% of us.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58The fact that I've got my own house makes our life
0:10:58 > 0:11:00a little bit more flexible.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02We both get to keep our separate identities,
0:11:02 > 0:11:04so we're both essentially the same person
0:11:04 > 0:11:06when we both met 15 years ago.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11For me, it still feels like dating.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14My tummy still jumps when I see him.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19David's shifts mean that the time they spend together
0:11:19 > 0:11:20is during the day,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22but, at night, they're in separate houses.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Other people do want the cuddles on a night.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I love David, but I don't want him here.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I get to watch what I want to watch on TV.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40There are no mucky boxers lying around.
0:11:41 > 0:11:46I don't think there's any cons of living apart.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51What will Claire make of a very different kind of relationship?
0:11:51 > 0:11:55She's had no warning what sort of couple she's about to pry on.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58It seems really strange trying to pick clothes.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00You could be meeting a vicar's wife.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03I could be mixing with swingers,
0:12:03 > 0:12:07not that I know what they wear, but I still want to fit in.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Right!
0:12:13 > 0:12:17200 miles later, Claire arrives in the Royal Borough of Windsor.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I can't believe these people actually live so close to the Queen.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23The couple she's visiting are out for the morning.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Claire is free to snoop as she pleases.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30This feels really weird, going into somebody else's house.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Feels like I'm invading their privacy.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39What a beautiful house!
0:12:41 > 0:12:46I'm not seeing much of a man's touch in here.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52This room oozes an awful lot of love,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55a very, very close couple.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07More initials, bless 'em.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12It's very intense, the amount of mementos and little love signs.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19I'd be like... just back off a little bit.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I know you love me.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24To help her in her quest, the couple have left a handbook,
0:13:24 > 0:13:28detailing what they think makes their relationship work.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Welcome to our home.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33We believe that in each other we both found our soul mates,
0:13:33 > 0:13:35the other half of ourselves.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I don't want to be another half of somebody else.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39I want to be me,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41and that's why me and David work.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43We don't have personal boundaries with each other.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45We never lock the bathroom door.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49The one time my partner did, I used a coat hanger to break in.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53I don't get that.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55I don't get that at all.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02OK. So, first big tip, no lock on the bathroom door.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Between the handbook and a good rummage,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09has Claire cracked the sort of couple she's about to meet?
0:14:11 > 0:14:12- Hello.- Hi!
0:14:14 > 0:14:15How lovely to meet you!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- I'm Megan.- Hi. I'm Claire.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Hello, I'm Whitney.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- Hiya.- Lovely to meet you. - You as well.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- Are you married then?- We've got a civil partnership.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28So, we're looking to convert it to a marriage now that it's legal.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Over here, we've got Wegan.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Where does that come from?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Whitney and Megan...
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Wegan!
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- It's like a joint... - It's a mashup name.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39We're very like needy, from a...
0:14:39 > 0:14:42I wouldn't say needy, but very co-dependent
0:14:42 > 0:14:43from the start of things.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45She was like, Wegan.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46- You're as one.- Oh, lovely!
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Claire will spend two days with these soul mates,
0:14:52 > 0:14:53observing their life,
0:14:53 > 0:14:57before Whitney has a chance to snoop on Claire.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Do you two actually share make-up?
0:14:59 > 0:15:03We share the same foundation, powder, eye shadow,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- blush, bronzer, everything.- We're buying clothes together as well.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07We could be sharing things,
0:15:07 > 0:15:09but there's not much that's really mine or hers.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- We share clothes and...- Merge.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18If these two share make-up and dress in the same clothes,
0:15:18 > 0:15:20what about the outfits for their big day?
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Oh, my goodness!
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Oh, my goodness!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Yeah, let's do the love heart.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38She gave us the veils as well.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Oh, my God, this is crazy.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42No. No, I'm freaking out.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51For someone who lives under a different roof to her husband,
0:15:51 > 0:15:54a couple who share everything must seem very scary.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Do you have any social life apart?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- No.- We kind of join.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02A lot of people say we're over the top,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04we're a bit co-dependent, and they're right.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05But we're happy.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Go vomit now.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14The closeness that they've got, their affection for each other,
0:16:14 > 0:16:17is not for me at all.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I would feel totally claustrophobic.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20I need my space.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Mm. When someone says they need their space,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26that space is often the exact shape of their partner.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Men will be thrilled to know that research shows the one thing
0:16:32 > 0:16:34vital to a happy relationship is sex.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Indeed, the more the better.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Does our prudish British outlook allow us to agree?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Is sex important in your marriage?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Oh, my God. He's going to kill me.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Well, yeah, yes.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50If my mum sees this, I'm screwed.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52- Why are you laughing?- I don't know.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Am I going red?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- Is sex very important?- Yes.- Yes.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I guess so, but it's not the be-all and end-all.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03How often a week would you have sex?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- Two or three times.- Really?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- Sometimes more.- Really?!- Yeah.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Do you think that'll go on for the next 40 years?
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Yes, it definitely will.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Is sex important in your marriage?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17It's certainly was, love, yeah.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- What do you mean it was? - Well, for God's sake...
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Listen, I'm 85, nearly, Anne.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Oh, so no sex, now?
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Why, are you free tonight?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27No, no, no!
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Look at that.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Hot on the heels of plenty of sex is sexual fidelity.
0:17:33 > 0:17:39A hopeful 92% of us expect our partner to sleep only with us.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43What about the other 8% who think differently?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I'm in Leeds to meet Rich and Emily,
0:17:46 > 0:17:48you don't just have sex with each other...
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Hello. Come in.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53..even though they've been married for the last four years.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56What's the glue that binds you two together?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Our love. Is that too corny to say?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03We just get along so well, we never get sick of each other's company.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05If that is so good,
0:18:05 > 0:18:10why extend it to multiple relationships?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Is it just an excuse for having loads of sex?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15It's definitely not an excuse.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Sex is important in all of my relationships
0:18:17 > 0:18:19but it's not about sex exclusively.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22There's a real emotional intimacy
0:18:22 > 0:18:24that goes along with those relationships.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27This might look like having your cake and eating it.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29I am having my cake and eating it,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31but I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Rich and Emily call themselves polyamorous,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37a movement that believes it's desirable to love
0:18:37 > 0:18:40more than one partner at the same time.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42A good analogy is children.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Someone has their first child, and it's great,
0:18:44 > 0:18:46and they have such a close bond with that child.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48You could ask the same question,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Why would you want to have a second child?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52A lot of people, I think it's just because they feel like
0:18:52 > 0:18:53they HAVE to stop at one relationship.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57I just don't feel that, because I'm with partners who agree with me.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01In this small flat, who does what, where?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- That's our guest room. - That's the guest room.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07- This is the guest room. - So, that might be you and Dan,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10or it might be Rich and Philippa?
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Yep. Or, it could be me and Sam.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- I've got another boyfriend called Sam, who lives in...- Have you?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Yeah, he lives in Germany, so we don't see each other all that often.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21So, when Emily's in here with Dan, do you wonder what's going on?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Now that I'm used to it, I don't even...
0:19:24 > 0:19:26It doesn't even cross my mind.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29How do you work out your diary?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33We have a shared Google calendar, which is...
0:19:33 > 0:19:34on my tablet. I can show you.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36OK.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Essentially, these colours are different people.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42- So...- What colour's Philippa?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Philippa's the dark blue,
0:19:44 > 0:19:46and Emily is green.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I used to... Once upon a time I used to assume that because Emily and I
0:19:50 > 0:19:52live together,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55that if there was nothing on either of our calendars for that night,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58we would be spending time together and that made it really difficult
0:19:58 > 0:20:00for one of us to then arrange a date on one of those nights
0:20:00 > 0:20:03because we'd have to ask each other for permission.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Whereas now, if we want to spend time together,
0:20:05 > 0:20:06we put that on the calendar as well.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Big breakthrough.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09A big breakthrough, yeah.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Practicalities aside,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14how do Rich and Emily emotionally accommodate being married
0:20:14 > 0:20:16while sleeping with lots of other people?
0:20:16 > 0:20:17We wrote our own vows.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20When we wrote them, we wanted to be really careful not to include
0:20:20 > 0:20:22anything that wouldn't be polyamory-friendly.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24So, we didn't want to say we were going to forsake all others.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25We knew that wouldn't be true.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28We talk about valuing each other's independence.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29I'm not responsible for his happiness,
0:20:29 > 0:20:32he's not responsible for my happiness.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34I can't argue with the sentiment of that,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36but delivered here it seems very icy.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Even though Philippa doesn't live here,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42I like to have little things around the house that remind me
0:20:42 > 0:20:44of my relationship with Philippa.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- Yeah.- This is something that Philippa spent months making for me.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50It's Kate Bush in various incarnations.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52I get to look across at the vows there,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54and I get to look across at the Kate Bush.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58You've got jam on both sides of your toast really, haven't you?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Yeah. Well, I like to think my toast might have more than two sides
0:21:00 > 0:21:02one day but, right now, yes.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08How many sides of jammy toast can one man manage?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10There's something of student philosophy about all of this.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13The kind of thinking and extravagant choices you make
0:21:13 > 0:21:15when there's no children involved.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Here's some of the other participants.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Emily's boyfriends, Dan, and Al.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Al being the live-in boyfriend of Rich's girlfriend.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Tricky to get your head around, this lot.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Very trendy here in Leeds.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- Yes.- We try.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- We try.- Philippa's not here.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- She's not very well.- OK.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39So, I need to get it clear who's with who.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41So, Emily, can you come and sit... Yeah.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Dan, where do you fit in?
0:21:46 > 0:21:47I'll say the sensible answer.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I'm in a relationship with Emily.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51OK, well, you'd better go and sit next to Emily.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Is it something I said?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57So, Al, your relationship is with...
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- Philippa.- Well, let's make this Philippa.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Does Philippa go here?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03She's best in between Al and Rich.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05So, put her on the table.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09So, Dan, you're in a relationship with Emily.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- Mm-hm.- And who else are you in a relationship with?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14At the moment I'm just in a relationship with Emily.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Oh! Well, that...
0:22:15 > 0:22:19You sort of don't get as many benefits as everyone else.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22It's really interesting you say that
0:22:22 > 0:22:24because I haven't had any other partners since meeting Philippa.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29And there were a few months when I felt like, a little bit angry
0:22:29 > 0:22:32about that. I felt that I was effectively monogamous,
0:22:32 > 0:22:35and she was getting all the benefits of non-monogamy,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38and it took a while to talk through the boundaries and stuff
0:22:38 > 0:22:41that I was feeling uncertain about.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Once we'd had the chance to do that,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46I felt fine about it, and actually I don't kind of feel any need
0:22:46 > 0:22:48to have another partner,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51but I know if I make a connection with someone,
0:22:51 > 0:22:55I can go with it. That's not wrong in the context of my relationship,
0:22:55 > 0:22:57and that's incredibly liberating.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Dan, have you fancied going and finding another partner?
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Yes.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06So... I mean...
0:23:07 > 0:23:09This is my first real relationship.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Is it your first sexual relationship?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- Yes.- How old are you?
0:23:13 > 0:23:1532.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Is that unusual, do you think, to be 32...?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20It's probably perceived that way.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22In sort of cultural dialogue...
0:23:22 > 0:23:25You're not on Newsnight. Come on, tell me.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Why are you still a virgin at 32?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Because I'd not met anyone who was willing to.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- Why do you think that is? - I don't know. I think I'm adorable.
0:23:33 > 0:23:38Rich. When Dan came on the scene, were you initially jealous?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39I've come to terms with the fact
0:23:39 > 0:23:41that jealousy is just another emotion
0:23:41 > 0:23:43that needs to be talked through and worked through.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45It's not jealousy that tears relationships part,
0:23:45 > 0:23:47it's how people handle it.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Dan, do feel the same?
0:23:48 > 0:23:51How jealous are you of...Rich?
0:23:51 > 0:23:55To start with, I was jealous because I have a lot of fun
0:23:55 > 0:23:57when I'm with Emily.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59And if I could have that all the time,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01that would be great.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04But I also know that Emily has a lot of fun when she's with Rich,
0:24:04 > 0:24:06or when she's meeting other people.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10And that's fine.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Are you in love with Emily?
0:24:13 > 0:24:14I think she's amazing.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- No, no. I didn't ask you that.- OK.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Are you in love with Emily?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20That's a very "on the spot" question.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- You don't have to answer it.- OK.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31# It's not unusual to be loved by anyone... #
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Well, polyamory's not my generation's idea of free love,
0:24:34 > 0:24:36it's a bit earnest,
0:24:36 > 0:24:37a bit joyless, in fact.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42And jealousy, just as much jealousy.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44You can't argue with their mission statement,
0:24:44 > 0:24:48which is that you're responsible for your own happiness.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52That's OK if you're Emily and Rich,
0:24:52 > 0:24:54who have multiple partners,
0:24:54 > 0:24:56but what if you only have one partner
0:24:56 > 0:24:59and you have to share her?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01That's a lonely place to be.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Frankly, if I was Dan's mum,
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I'd tell him to pitch his tent elsewhere.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Returning to the relationship swap,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17independent Claire, remember, is spending two days
0:25:17 > 0:25:19with the co-dependent Whitney and Megan,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23and is still trying to unearth the knack of their happiness.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Do you ever feel that you just need that little bit of alone time?
0:25:27 > 0:25:28To be honest, no.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Even though we're in each other's company, we still miss each other.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35- Yeah.- And on the occasion that we're doing something separately,
0:25:35 > 0:25:37I'll Facetime her.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40I know that sounds crazy, because we're in the same house.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42- From the bedroom.- From the bedroom because I miss her,
0:25:42 > 0:25:44even though we're in the same house.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Cheers, ladies. It's been lovely meeting you.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53- Likewise.- It really has.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Valentine's Day is quite big in this house.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Oh, yes. It literally looks like Cupid just threw up
0:25:58 > 0:26:00in the whole, entire house.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Their matching dressing gowns are ever so sweet.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13And brushing teeth in unison as well.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Come here, you.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22PHONE RINGS
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Hiya.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Hi.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Oh, my goodness!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28This couple...
0:26:28 > 0:26:32They are so dependent on each other you wouldn't believe it.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35They miss each other if they're in separate rooms.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36They Facetime each other.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38That sounds a bit weird.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41It is poles apart from us two.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Who are we to judge? I bet you had an interesting day, then.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47I've had a really interesting day.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59I didn't get much sleep at all.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Megan and Whitney's relationship did make me stop and question
0:27:02 > 0:27:05my relationship with David.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08That might be nice to snuggle up at the end of the day.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11And then I stopped because I thought, no,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14that's just me questioning
0:27:14 > 0:27:18that maybe that's what a relationship should be like.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22An exhausted Claire continues her digging of these two.
0:27:24 > 0:27:29Have you had to make any compromises that have been really difficult for
0:27:29 > 0:27:32you, that you've kind of had a fight with yourself?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34One of the biggest compromises that I did have to make,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37it still sits really heavy in my heart, is leaving the family.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40I just feel like I'm missing out on this big chunk of my life
0:27:40 > 0:27:44that I'll never get back, so it really kind of like pangs the heart.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48But she really is special and she is the one.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49That's what it's all about.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Claire, of course, doesn't do compromise. Oh, no!
0:27:52 > 0:27:56Claire won't even watch the same TV show as her husband.
0:27:56 > 0:28:01I strongly feel that people should have their own independence,
0:28:01 > 0:28:03their own life,
0:28:03 > 0:28:06to be themselves.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08I don't think because you compromise you change who you are
0:28:08 > 0:28:11but I think you do grow together as individuals.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13If you've been together for nearly a decade,
0:28:13 > 0:28:16then how do you not change just by being with that person anyway?
0:28:16 > 0:28:18In a way, that really does scare me.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20I would feel I'd lose...
0:28:20 > 0:28:22I'd lose me.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Hardly romantic, but in choosing our partner, more than three quarters
0:28:28 > 0:28:32of couples admit financial status is a factor.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37In other words, money matters.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Therefore, if you're clever enough to bag yourself a title
0:28:40 > 0:28:45and a stately home, isn't marital bliss guaranteed?
0:28:49 > 0:28:53This is Carlton Towers, a Gothic country house in North Yorkshire.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Ancestral home to Lord Fitzalan-Howard
0:28:56 > 0:28:58and his wife, Emma.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Oh, how cute! It's a doorbell.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03I didn't think places like this had a doorbell.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06- Hello.- Hello.
0:29:06 > 0:29:07Nice to meet you both.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Welcome, Emma, please.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12- You're Gerald.- Gerald, please, please, please.
0:29:12 > 0:29:13For God's sake. Welcome to Carlton.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16- It's a beautiful building. - Lovely to meet you.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18There's been a house here since Domesday.
0:29:20 > 0:29:24Emma married into a family steeped in history and prestige.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27- That's my father. - The Duke of Norfolk?
0:29:27 > 0:29:29- Correct.- Your grandfather?
0:29:29 > 0:29:31- Lord Howard of Glossop. - That's your mother?
0:29:31 > 0:29:34That's my mother meeting Prince Charles and Lady Diana.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36They were quite close. They really...
0:29:36 > 0:29:39- They were very close. - Your mother adored her.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41- There's the Pope.- John Paul II.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44Who do have to be to say hello to the Pope?
0:29:44 > 0:29:45The Duke of Norfolk.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47Wow! Is that you getting married?
0:29:47 > 0:29:49That's us getting married.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51A horrible photograph. We both look like dwarves.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53- No, we don't.- We do.
0:29:53 > 0:29:57What kind of life did the young Emma dream she was entering into?
0:29:57 > 0:30:02Emma, coming here as a bride, did it daunt you?
0:30:02 > 0:30:03Oh, yeah, it really did.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06What sort of home had you been brought up in?
0:30:06 > 0:30:09My father was a doctor and we were brought up in a nice,
0:30:09 > 0:30:12medium-size village home.
0:30:13 > 0:30:17But what looks on the surface to be a story of middle-class girl getting
0:30:17 > 0:30:20lucky and moving to grandeur and riches is an illusion.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24This is our dining room. It's in a right mess at the moment.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27I'm just selling stuff on eBay.
0:30:27 > 0:30:32I didn't know the aristocracy sold stuff on eBay.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34Have you sold stuff from the house?
0:30:34 > 0:30:37Oh, yes, we have. We raised money for the roof.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40Truly we needed to do, because we were leaking.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44What do roofs cost in houses like this?
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Hundreds of thousands. It's the classic thing of
0:30:46 > 0:30:48being sort of cash-poor but asset-rich.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51The bridal bedroom.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53It was bare, sort of crackly white walls.
0:30:53 > 0:30:54I kid you not.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56Bare floorboards with wall and rug.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58Truly, you can't exaggerate.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00- Was there any heating?- No.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03What made the decision to move full-time to here?
0:31:03 > 0:31:05- Money.- Money, yeah.
0:31:05 > 0:31:06- We... I...- It's always money.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08I closed something down south and we came up here.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10- Quite a shock. - So, it was a bit of a shock.
0:31:10 > 0:31:16So, that's when the sort of absolute, argh, set in.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20And it got worse. The couple were left almost penniless when a risky
0:31:20 > 0:31:24business venture of Gerald's to do with his passion for motor cars
0:31:24 > 0:31:26went belly up.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29We were really at rock bottom then because we didn't have any money.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31What did you want in a husband?
0:31:31 > 0:31:34I wanted someone who would really nurture and take care of me.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36Of course you want a comfortable life.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40I genuinely thought, gosh, I love this wonderful man,
0:31:40 > 0:31:44and I'm going to live part-time in this beautiful house,
0:31:44 > 0:31:45and I've got a title.
0:31:45 > 0:31:49And then the reality was an absolutely bare floor,
0:31:49 > 0:31:54naked light bulb, threadbare-curtained mausoleum.
0:31:54 > 0:31:58What were your thoughts about sticking with the deal?
0:31:58 > 0:32:00I wasn't thinking, "Oh, God, I'm packing my suitcase and going."
0:32:00 > 0:32:04I wouldn't have dreamt of that but I did think there's got to be
0:32:04 > 0:32:05a better life.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07When there's a knock to a marriage,
0:32:07 > 0:32:11what happens then to put it back on track?
0:32:11 > 0:32:14No-one must continue being bitter because, if you're bitter about it,
0:32:14 > 0:32:16that person becomes bitter because you're bitter
0:32:16 > 0:32:19and that really can rot anything.
0:32:19 > 0:32:20So, you just think, "Oh, to hell with it!"
0:32:20 > 0:32:24Gerald is a fantastic husband and a fantastic dad.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27I had to be a big old grown-up about it.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29Whatever the circumstances,
0:32:29 > 0:32:3462% cite money as one of the biggest strains on a relationship.
0:32:34 > 0:32:38Yet, for the Fitzalan-Howards, and with Emma's remarkable resilience,
0:32:38 > 0:32:41financial hardship actually cemented their marriage.
0:32:41 > 0:32:46What would you say was vital to you in that marriage?
0:32:46 > 0:32:48To stay in love.
0:32:48 > 0:32:49You know...
0:32:49 > 0:32:51And...
0:32:51 > 0:32:53But nobody stays in love.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55No, just to stay liking each other.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57Is sex important in your marriage?
0:32:57 > 0:33:00It's not important really but it sort of, you know,
0:33:00 > 0:33:04I think that intimacy's sometimes required.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06What does that mean, Emma?
0:33:06 > 0:33:08You know? Having a bit...
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Having a quick little bonk every now and again.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17What do you think makes a good marriage?
0:33:18 > 0:33:21I think we agree on humour
0:33:21 > 0:33:23and just clicking.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26- Humour, respect.- Respect.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28Honesty.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30Gerald, what annoys you about Emma?
0:33:30 > 0:33:35Well, she can sometimes be just a teeny bit ratty.
0:33:36 > 0:33:37Are you happily married?
0:33:37 > 0:33:39- Yes.- Very.- Very much so.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41On a scale of one to ten?
0:33:41 > 0:33:43- Oh, ten.- Yeah.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46- I mean... Is anyone a ten?- Nine.
0:33:46 > 0:33:47I'd don't think you were a nine.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49I mean, good eight.
0:33:49 > 0:33:50A good eight.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52A pretty even seven.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54- It's a bit slippy steps, a bit slippy.- Bye!
0:34:02 > 0:34:05It all looks very fairy-tale grand
0:34:05 > 0:34:09but what keeps this couple together is a common purpose
0:34:09 > 0:34:13and that involves the very things you'd expect to push them apart -
0:34:13 > 0:34:16debt, and a crumbling mansion.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21I'm halfway through my journey peeling off the layers
0:34:21 > 0:34:23to find out what makes a happy marriage,
0:34:23 > 0:34:25what knits a couple together.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27Importantly, so far,
0:34:27 > 0:34:31all the marriages I've looked at have had roughly the same start,
0:34:31 > 0:34:35two people met, fell in love and tied the knot.
0:34:35 > 0:34:40But what if the marriage comes first and falling in love comes later?
0:34:41 > 0:34:44I followed my heart when I was choosing both my husbands,
0:34:44 > 0:34:46without, of course, any lasting success.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51But what if I'd left it to my mother?
0:34:51 > 0:34:55Perhaps if I'd had an arranged marriage, I would have cracked it.
0:34:56 > 0:35:00I'm in East London, at an Asian beauty salon owned by Naveeda.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02- Hi.- Hi.
0:35:02 > 0:35:07All these girls are brides-to-be preparing for the big day,
0:35:07 > 0:35:09including 22-year-old Fiza.
0:35:09 > 0:35:14Would you say that your introduction to your husband was traditional?
0:35:14 > 0:35:16Yes, it was quite traditional, yes.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19I was actually introduced to my husband through a picture,
0:35:19 > 0:35:21by my auntie.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24And the first time you met, how long did you have together?
0:35:24 > 0:35:27We had maybe 20 minutes.
0:35:28 > 0:35:29And then I got engaged.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32Like, after two, three weeks, I got engaged.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34But you could pull out at that stage?
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Yes, yes. It was all up to me.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39Like, my mum didn't put any pressure on me. It was all up to me.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41So I said yes, I'm willing to go ahead with it.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44Then I was engaged for three or four months and then I knew that,
0:35:44 > 0:35:46yeah, like, this is going to work.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48How long have you been married now?
0:35:48 > 0:35:50It's going to be a year in July.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53- Going OK?- Yes, everything's going very well so far.
0:35:53 > 0:35:57Because we grow up in such a family-orientated sort of environment,
0:35:57 > 0:36:00I think that helps with the whole marriage.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02I think there's a lot of single girls out there
0:36:02 > 0:36:05in the Western world, they would actually love an introduction.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09They would love their parents to bring someone that they think was,
0:36:09 > 0:36:11you know, good enough for their daughter
0:36:11 > 0:36:14and know that their daughter would actually work with them.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16Well, there's much logic here.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18But Sahida is older than the other girls,
0:36:18 > 0:36:21and she's learnt that the best made plans can collapse.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23Is this your first marriage?
0:36:23 > 0:36:26- It's my second marriage.- Your second marriage. Is that unusual?
0:36:26 > 0:36:29Um...when I got divorced, it actually was.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31It's really hard for families to sort of accept you
0:36:31 > 0:36:33after you've been divorced.
0:36:33 > 0:36:37Do you think you sort of knew fairly quickly it wasn't working?
0:36:37 > 0:36:40Yes, I think when we were engaged, if I was being very honest
0:36:40 > 0:36:43with myself, I knew that we weren't getting on
0:36:43 > 0:36:45and we were sort of quite different.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47I think it's about suitability.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50I don't think we were given enough time to get to know one another.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52And within Asian culture it's just, like,
0:36:52 > 0:36:55not known to live with someone beforehand.
0:36:55 > 0:36:59So it's a chance and it's a gamble that you have to take.
0:36:59 > 0:37:00How many times had you actually met?
0:37:02 > 0:37:03Twice.
0:37:03 > 0:37:07- Yeah.- You made a choice that didn't work out.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10- Yeah.- Is that because you felt pressured, by then?
0:37:10 > 0:37:14Yes, I think by the time... I mean, I was 27 at that point,
0:37:14 > 0:37:17and you start hearing the whispers.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19You get put in a corner and you've got to do what's right
0:37:19 > 0:37:20at that point.
0:37:23 > 0:37:28Second time around, Sahida will look like a traditional Asian bride,
0:37:28 > 0:37:31except now SHE'S chosen her husband.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35There is a little bit of jealousy when your friends are meeting people
0:37:35 > 0:37:38at clubs and going out and it's exciting for them.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41And then you've got this sort of very regimental way
0:37:41 > 0:37:43of meeting someone.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45There is that girliness that you...
0:37:45 > 0:37:47- You miss that butterfly feeling. - In your stomach, yeah.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50Have you got butterflies about your husband-to-be?
0:37:50 > 0:37:52Yes, now... I do now.
0:37:59 > 0:38:03Naveeda's business allows her family to live very comfortably.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05She's been married to her husband for 26 years.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08He was chosen by her weary mother.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10In an arranged marriage, the family match is as vital
0:38:10 > 0:38:13as the match of the couple.
0:38:13 > 0:38:17My mum's mission in life, at that point, was to get me married off.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19And had she suggested anybody else?
0:38:19 > 0:38:22Oh, God, yes. I had seen many guys.
0:38:22 > 0:38:2430, 40, how many?
0:38:24 > 0:38:27Oh, my God. It must have been about 20, at least.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29Same here, if not more.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31- Really?- You were fussy, then, weren't you?
0:38:31 > 0:38:35- Yeah, I know.- So you were actually quite cynical at this point?
0:38:35 > 0:38:36- I was.- Yes.- No doubt.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39I think we both were. That's why we said no on the first
0:38:39 > 0:38:41- day, on Friday, we said... - So you said no on the Friday.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43What day did you say yes?
0:38:43 > 0:38:44- On the Monday.- Yes.
0:38:44 > 0:38:48And how much do you think you knew about each other
0:38:48 > 0:38:50by the end of that weekend?
0:38:50 > 0:38:52I don't think it's about how much we knew.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54- It wasn't about that. - It's about we just clicked.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56That seems extraordinary.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01And how long before love made its way in?
0:39:01 > 0:39:03Six weeks after the marriage.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05How many weeks for you?
0:39:05 > 0:39:07Most probably about a week and a half.
0:39:07 > 0:39:08It wouldn't be more than that.
0:39:08 > 0:39:12I think she was the missing person that I was looking for, I felt.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15- Was she the cream in your coffee? - Definitely!
0:39:17 > 0:39:21Were there any times during those first few years
0:39:21 > 0:39:24that disappointment crept in?
0:39:24 > 0:39:29There was nothing that serious that I didn't think we could adapt to.
0:39:29 > 0:39:34I think it was just our state of mind that we had to compromise
0:39:34 > 0:39:37and we had to know that we both are going to have faults
0:39:37 > 0:39:40and that we both are going to have to work at it.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Do you think that's the difference in cultures
0:39:42 > 0:39:44and the approach to marriage?
0:39:44 > 0:39:46No. I think it just depends on people.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50No magic wand hovering here.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52Unlike many couples who marry for love,
0:39:52 > 0:39:55these two accepted they had to work at it.
0:39:55 > 0:39:59And if I asked you, are you happily married, what would you say?
0:39:59 > 0:40:00I am, of course.
0:40:00 > 0:40:04You know, sometimes he gets on my nerves. I mean, that's normal.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06But then you see, Anne, this comes to the whole thing.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08- Yeah?- You know men say we nag?
0:40:08 > 0:40:11- Yes.- Now, we bought curtains,
0:40:11 > 0:40:14and all he had to do was put these on
0:40:14 > 0:40:17so I could put the hooks up on there.
0:40:17 > 0:40:18- Yes.- He didn't do it.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20- No? Why...?- Five years.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23It's taken you coming round our house to get them up.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26- Any time, any time. Just give me a call...- Thank you so much.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29- ..and I'll be here.- If I say it more than twice, I'm nagging.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31You imagine how many times I've said it in five years!
0:40:31 > 0:40:34Of course I'm going to be a nag! But who made me into a nag?
0:40:34 > 0:40:36- BOTH:- You did.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38Me? Oh, my God, did you see that?
0:40:38 > 0:40:39Don't be fooled.
0:40:39 > 0:40:43That relationship radiates happiness.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45I'm so impressed by those two.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48How comfortable they were with each other.
0:40:48 > 0:40:50No jagged edges.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53And remember, that didn't start as a love match.
0:40:53 > 0:40:57They approach marriage with very realistic expectations
0:40:57 > 0:41:00but a willingness to make it work.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03And, actually, that's been the secret to their happiness.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09In Bradford, it's changeover time for our guinea pigs.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13- Have a look around our house. - Awesome.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15I'll leave you to it.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18Independent Claire is handing over her house to Whitney,
0:41:18 > 0:41:21one half of the gay co-dependent couple.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25This must be Claire and David's room, for sure.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27I would say this room's a bit feminine.
0:41:27 > 0:41:31You really wouldn't know that it has a man's presence.
0:41:31 > 0:41:35No, because up until now Claire hasn't mentioned that David,
0:41:35 > 0:41:38her husband, doesn't actually live with her.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41This must be...Claire's.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44Oh, interesting.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46There's not that many men's clothes.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49Perhaps David likes to wear women's clothes every now and then.
0:41:49 > 0:41:53Claire's left Whitney the handbook explaining why she thinks her way of
0:41:53 > 0:41:56organising her relationship works.
0:41:56 > 0:41:59My partner and I have sex about five times a week.
0:41:59 > 0:42:01That's...that's quite a lot, actually.
0:42:04 > 0:42:07The average British couple has sex once a week.
0:42:08 > 0:42:10Do you want a second or two to take that in?
0:42:13 > 0:42:17Claire and David have arrived back with Jay.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20- Hello.- Hello.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23Who is it?
0:42:23 > 0:42:27- Are you going to say hello to Whitney?- What's your name?
0:42:27 > 0:42:30- Jay.- Jay, nice to meet you.
0:42:30 > 0:42:31- Hiya.- Oh, you're so cute.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35Hi.
0:42:35 > 0:42:39So what has Whitney find out about Claire's life?
0:42:39 > 0:42:41So, I had a snoop.
0:42:41 > 0:42:43I think you have a lovely home.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45- Oh, no. I don't live here. - You don't live here?
0:42:45 > 0:42:47We don't.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49That would just be ridiculous.
0:42:49 > 0:42:50No, no.
0:42:50 > 0:42:51Interesting.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53- I have my own house.- You do?
0:42:53 > 0:42:55Yeah. OK. And you guys are...
0:42:55 > 0:42:57You're married, but you just live separately?
0:42:57 > 0:42:59- Yeah, yeah.- Yeah.- OK.
0:42:59 > 0:43:00Although they live separately,
0:43:00 > 0:43:03Claire and David do share the parenting.
0:43:03 > 0:43:05Jay stays at both his mum and his dad's home.
0:43:05 > 0:43:08I did not see that coming, I've got to say.
0:43:08 > 0:43:10I had many theories but that, that wasn't one of them.
0:43:10 > 0:43:12I thought he was maybe a cross-dresser and you guys like
0:43:12 > 0:43:15to share clothes.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18Megan and I, that would be a real struggle because
0:43:18 > 0:43:22I miss Megan when she just, you know, goes to the toilet, sometimes,
0:43:22 > 0:43:24let alone living in a separate house!
0:43:24 > 0:43:28Whitney wants to know how they decided on this unconventional arrangement.
0:43:28 > 0:43:31I think Claire and I are lucky that we found each other when we did,
0:43:31 > 0:43:35because we were both coming out of previous relationships.
0:43:35 > 0:43:37So you think it's based on past relationships?
0:43:37 > 0:43:40For me, I think it is.
0:43:40 > 0:43:44In my last relationship I sat back and let everything be done for me,
0:43:44 > 0:43:48finances, you know, both wages got paid into a bank account.
0:43:48 > 0:43:51I let him, quite happily, run my life.
0:43:51 > 0:43:54- Did he like that you were dependent on him?- Yes, yes.
0:43:54 > 0:43:58And then did you just hit this point in your life where this isn't the
0:43:58 > 0:43:59Claire I want to be?
0:43:59 > 0:44:04Yes, yes. I did find myself, probably, as corny as it sounds,
0:44:04 > 0:44:07- and I just thought, no, I do need more than this.- It's amazing.
0:44:07 > 0:44:10It's almost like you two have empowered each other and given
0:44:10 > 0:44:12the other this new lease on life.
0:44:13 > 0:44:15# Everybody, everybody
0:44:15 > 0:44:16# Wants to love
0:44:16 > 0:44:17# Everybody, everybody
0:44:17 > 0:44:19# Wants to be loved... #
0:44:19 > 0:44:22All the teddies have got into bed, ready to go to sleep.
0:44:22 > 0:44:24And then he got on his back and he went...
0:44:24 > 0:44:26- Twoo.- Twit-twoo.
0:44:26 > 0:44:27# Everybody, everybody
0:44:27 > 0:44:29# Wants to be loved... #
0:44:31 > 0:44:33- See yous later.- Bye.
0:44:33 > 0:44:35Bye.
0:44:35 > 0:44:38You'll know what it's like when you have children.
0:44:38 > 0:44:42It'll come to bedtime, and they all go off to bed and it's like...
0:44:42 > 0:44:43Oh...
0:44:43 > 0:44:45That was an exhausting day!
0:44:45 > 0:44:47Well, it's like that when I see David go out of the door.
0:44:47 > 0:44:50Really? Do you get an instant sense of relief?
0:44:50 > 0:44:53It is, like deflating a balloon.
0:44:53 > 0:44:58I miss him, but not enough to want him around on an evening.
0:44:58 > 0:45:00But then just as nice to see him back in the morning.
0:45:03 > 0:45:04PHONE RINGS
0:45:04 > 0:45:06Baby!
0:45:06 > 0:45:08Hello. Miss you!
0:45:08 > 0:45:10Oh, my gosh, yes - miss you so much.
0:45:10 > 0:45:12We were both completely wrong in our theories.
0:45:12 > 0:45:15Turns out they live in separate houses and they have their whole
0:45:15 > 0:45:17relationship, for the past 15 years.
0:45:17 > 0:45:19Oh, my God, really?
0:45:19 > 0:45:21They seem really happy and in love,
0:45:21 > 0:45:23but it's just a different kind of love than, you know,
0:45:23 > 0:45:25what you and I have, when they greeted each other.
0:45:25 > 0:45:26They had a kiss, of course,
0:45:26 > 0:45:28but they didn't miss each other
0:45:28 > 0:45:30and have that reunion like the one you and I are going to have.
0:45:30 > 0:45:32But that's just because, I think,
0:45:32 > 0:45:34they're so used to being apart anyway.
0:45:34 > 0:45:37So do they ever share a bed?
0:45:37 > 0:45:39They have sex five times a week, so...
0:45:39 > 0:45:40Five?!
0:45:40 > 0:45:43So I'll find out more tomorrow about the ins and outs of it.
0:45:48 > 0:45:51The next morning, Whitney joins the couple on one of their regular
0:45:51 > 0:45:55daytime dates and sees that after a decade-and-a-half
0:45:55 > 0:45:57they're still playing at being newlywed.
0:45:59 > 0:46:02It may be a case of, say, I'm doing the school run
0:46:02 > 0:46:05and I sort of text David and say see you down at yours.
0:46:05 > 0:46:07- Oh... - And I know what that means.
0:46:08 > 0:46:10She's not coming down to watch Jeremy Kyle.
0:46:10 > 0:46:12Oh, that is very interesting.
0:46:12 > 0:46:16Yeah, or if David's done the school run he'll come in,
0:46:16 > 0:46:18and he knows if it's all quiet downstairs...
0:46:18 > 0:46:20- Yeah, if the door's locked.- Then he'll know where to find me.
0:46:20 > 0:46:23It's not quickly and quietly.
0:46:23 > 0:46:24Yeah, it's uninhibited.
0:46:24 > 0:46:26Yeah.
0:46:26 > 0:46:27And it does keep it...
0:46:28 > 0:46:31- There's more...- It keeps it fresh and exciting.- Yeah.
0:46:31 > 0:46:34While the time apart is key for Claire and David,
0:46:34 > 0:46:37Whitney would find this unthinkable.
0:46:37 > 0:46:42I don't think we'll lose any of that, whereas I think my concern
0:46:42 > 0:46:47for couples that are as intense as yourself and Megan,
0:46:47 > 0:46:51it would be my fear that it would burn out a little bit.
0:46:52 > 0:46:57I can honestly say, my heart literally just explodes, basically,
0:46:57 > 0:47:01when I'm around her, and I don't think that feeling will ever go.
0:47:01 > 0:47:03# Love is forever
0:47:03 > 0:47:06# Love is forever... #
0:47:11 > 0:47:14Now, when I was young, which is a very long time ago,
0:47:14 > 0:47:16there were several easy ways to get a boyfriend.
0:47:16 > 0:47:21Go to supper parties, cocktail parties, 21st birthday parties,
0:47:21 > 0:47:26your brother's school, or ballroom dancing classes.
0:47:26 > 0:47:29Online dating is the way nine million people now look
0:47:29 > 0:47:31for lasting love.
0:47:31 > 0:47:33An oddity for my generation, but here goes.
0:47:33 > 0:47:36I'm going to dip my toe into computer matchmaking.
0:47:36 > 0:47:40Oh, no, I don't drink, so no to him.
0:47:40 > 0:47:43This is Gary, who's a freelance actor.
0:47:43 > 0:47:46Don't feel that would bring in a big income.
0:47:46 > 0:47:47Oh, electrician.
0:47:47 > 0:47:51Well, he can do some of the switches upstairs.
0:47:51 > 0:47:52What's not to like?
0:47:52 > 0:47:55Oh! You and Stephen have liked each other.
0:47:55 > 0:47:57The electrician.
0:47:57 > 0:47:59And Tommy is a drainage engineer,
0:47:59 > 0:48:01and his friend is with him and neither of their teeth
0:48:01 > 0:48:03are very nice.
0:48:03 > 0:48:05Oh, look!
0:48:05 > 0:48:07Well, well, that's much nicer!
0:48:07 > 0:48:09Oh, quick, quick!
0:48:11 > 0:48:15No, I want to go back to the 60-year-old who's got a job in banking.
0:48:15 > 0:48:19I just really want a Tinder that's CEOs and upwards.
0:48:29 > 0:48:33I'm far from convinced you can find love with one swipe or even 100.
0:48:33 > 0:48:35Yet, a third of all marriages start this way.
0:48:38 > 0:48:42Lastly, Kent, with a couple whose paths would never have crossed
0:48:42 > 0:48:44without the internet.
0:48:44 > 0:48:46Now they are engaged and house-hunting.
0:48:46 > 0:48:48Sharon, Ben, hi.
0:48:48 > 0:48:50- Hey, nice to meet you. - Hello, nice to meet you.- Hi.
0:48:50 > 0:48:53Sharon, an actress and singer, has agreed to move to a sleepy
0:48:53 > 0:48:57village near to where Ben, a firefighter, grew up.
0:48:57 > 0:49:00And, please note, closer to his work.
0:49:00 > 0:49:04OK, so this is pretty much the centre of Marden.
0:49:04 > 0:49:09I need to point out to you two that everyone we've passed, walking,
0:49:09 > 0:49:10appears to be very elderly.
0:49:11 > 0:49:13How does that feel, Sharon?
0:49:13 > 0:49:15I mean, it is a little bit daunting, I'm not going to lie.
0:49:15 > 0:49:17Oh, look, there's a young person!
0:49:17 > 0:49:19That's the first young person I've seen.
0:49:19 > 0:49:22Shall we go and introduce ourselves?
0:49:22 > 0:49:27You met each other on the internet dating, yeah?
0:49:27 > 0:49:32Well, yeah. Basically, I'd said to my girlfriends, look,
0:49:32 > 0:49:36I'm not going to date any single fathers because, clearly,
0:49:36 > 0:49:38he's already messed up one relationship.
0:49:38 > 0:49:41And so my girlfriend said, "Sharon, stop being ridiculous,
0:49:41 > 0:49:43"and at least date one."
0:49:43 > 0:49:45You never know, cos, you know,
0:49:45 > 0:49:47somebody might say that about your situation.
0:49:47 > 0:49:51I went on to Tinder and he was the first single father that came up.
0:49:51 > 0:49:53There was a picture of him and his son on his profile picture.
0:49:53 > 0:49:57And I thought, "Oh, he's quite handsome and he's a fireman.
0:49:57 > 0:49:58"All right, yeah, give that a go."
0:49:58 > 0:50:02What struck you about Sharon's details?
0:50:02 > 0:50:05I remember it coming up, flashing up, that we had a match,
0:50:05 > 0:50:09and I thought she'd made a mistake cos she's obviously really attractive.
0:50:09 > 0:50:12And as I started reading her sort of details I thought, well,
0:50:12 > 0:50:15she's obviously very different to anyone
0:50:15 > 0:50:18that I would have ever met, certainly, sort of, round here.
0:50:18 > 0:50:20You could be the youngest person in the village.
0:50:20 > 0:50:23I could, yeah. I'd be like the only black in the village as well.
0:50:23 > 0:50:26- You could be the only black in the... We haven't seen any black people yet.- No.
0:50:26 > 0:50:29I tell you something I will actually make you stop the car
0:50:29 > 0:50:31and I will go and say hello to them.
0:50:31 > 0:50:33There you go, they do a quiz night at the Unicorn.
0:50:33 > 0:50:35What more do you want?
0:50:35 > 0:50:38I'd be useless at a quiz night.
0:50:38 > 0:50:40I'll come and do quiz night.
0:50:40 > 0:50:41- Are you good?- I love a quiz night.
0:50:41 > 0:50:43I'm not bad at quizzes, actually.
0:50:43 > 0:50:45Of course you're good at quizzes!
0:50:45 > 0:50:46Of course you are! Of course!
0:50:47 > 0:50:50Sharon, star of screen and theatre,
0:50:50 > 0:50:52is now on the brink of becoming a country mouse.
0:50:52 > 0:50:54Not the only challenge -
0:50:54 > 0:50:57both come with children from their first marriage.
0:50:58 > 0:51:02Our relationship is very different to my relationship before.
0:51:02 > 0:51:05We got married, I think I was 25,
0:51:05 > 0:51:07and I think we were together from when I was about 21,
0:51:07 > 0:51:10so looking back on it, you're still a kid, really.
0:51:10 > 0:51:12So it's massively different.
0:51:12 > 0:51:15Second marriages do have a better chance of succeeding.
0:51:18 > 0:51:21Have these two got what it takes this time?
0:51:21 > 0:51:24How different is Ben from your first husband?
0:51:24 > 0:51:27Completely different, because my ex was actually probably a lot more
0:51:27 > 0:51:30like me, in the sense that we were both striving,
0:51:30 > 0:51:33we were both looking for the next big thing, which is very difficult,
0:51:33 > 0:51:36then, to sit down and enjoy the little things together, you know?
0:51:36 > 0:51:38Whereas, I find this relationship,
0:51:38 > 0:51:42we sit down and we play Scrabble together and I don't get bored.
0:51:42 > 0:51:49Is there ever a danger that what begins as nice might turn into dull?
0:51:49 > 0:51:50Nice is good.
0:51:50 > 0:51:52It is, nice is good.
0:51:52 > 0:51:55You know, people always look down and they want a bad boy or exciting,
0:51:55 > 0:51:57and I just didn't want that,
0:51:57 > 0:52:00I just wanted somebody who was genuinely a lovely person
0:52:00 > 0:52:01and a lovely soul.
0:52:01 > 0:52:03And what were you looking for, Ben?
0:52:03 > 0:52:05I didn't really have anything in mind, particularly.
0:52:05 > 0:52:07Certainly not Sharon.
0:52:07 > 0:52:09Tell Anne what your mum said. It really made me laugh.
0:52:09 > 0:52:11Yeah, did you advertise for her?
0:52:11 > 0:52:12- Yeah.- Yeah, I was like...
0:52:12 > 0:52:15So, how does it work? Did you put an advert out for her? Yeah.
0:52:15 > 0:52:17Wanted - crazy, black, single mother.
0:52:17 > 0:52:19But, yeah...
0:52:19 > 0:52:22What makes you feel that this time round...
0:52:24 > 0:52:25..the marriage has got a better chance?
0:52:25 > 0:52:27I don't know. I just feel like I'm...
0:52:27 > 0:52:29Not a different person, I'm not a different person,
0:52:29 > 0:52:32but I know myself a lot better and I know what I want.
0:52:32 > 0:52:34We do tend to look at other couples and go,
0:52:34 > 0:52:36you can tell that they're second-time-rounders.
0:52:36 > 0:52:39Why? What is it about second-time-rounders?
0:52:39 > 0:52:42I think maybe just a lot more relaxed with each other.
0:52:42 > 0:52:45You've gone through a set of problems, or whatever, with somebody else.
0:52:45 > 0:52:49You come out of it and you're therefore going to find somebody that you
0:52:49 > 0:52:52really, really, really want to be with.
0:52:52 > 0:52:54You know what you want and what you need, the second time round.
0:52:54 > 0:52:58So, on a scale of one to ten, how happy are you two?
0:52:58 > 0:53:00Ten.
0:53:01 > 0:53:03- Eight?- Oh, really? What's...?
0:53:03 > 0:53:05I'm joking.
0:53:07 > 0:53:09Ah, will it remain a ten or an eight?
0:53:12 > 0:53:16Ben's seven-year-old son, Harry, has two half-siblings.
0:53:16 > 0:53:19Sharon's four-year-old, Mali, unlike Harry,
0:53:19 > 0:53:21has never lived with other children.
0:53:21 > 0:53:23Hmm...
0:53:23 > 0:53:25I'm painting my hand.
0:53:26 > 0:53:29The blended family now accounts for a third of all marriages.
0:53:31 > 0:53:33It was definitely daunting at the beginning.
0:53:33 > 0:53:35Massively, yeah.
0:53:35 > 0:53:40Suddenly you're faced heads-on with another sort of form of parenting,
0:53:40 > 0:53:42and you've kind of got to, yeah...
0:53:42 > 0:53:45I still find it difficult to discipline Harry.
0:53:45 > 0:53:47I feel like I'm still kind of treading on eggshells,
0:53:47 > 0:53:51cos it's difficult to know your place as a stepparent.
0:53:51 > 0:53:53It is tricky, isn't it, with someone else's child?
0:53:53 > 0:53:57I mean, how do you react if Ben tells Mali off?
0:53:57 > 0:53:59If she deserves it...
0:53:59 > 0:54:02But, of course, the problem is whether what you think she deserves
0:54:02 > 0:54:05- and what Ben thinks she deserves are different.- Yeah, absolutely.
0:54:05 > 0:54:08Because you're quite strict, aren't you?
0:54:08 > 0:54:10- Stricter than Sharon, yeah. - Is she a bit spoiled?
0:54:10 > 0:54:13Show me an only child who isn't spoilt.
0:54:14 > 0:54:16Oh, very good.
0:54:16 > 0:54:19- Who's in it?- That's me, that's my dad...
0:54:19 > 0:54:21- Yeah.- That's Sharon and that's Mali.
0:54:21 > 0:54:23That's very good.
0:54:23 > 0:54:25Nice to meet you. Take care.
0:54:25 > 0:54:28Ben and Sharon are a very good example of what can
0:54:28 > 0:54:31happen if you ignore the differences and take a risk.
0:54:31 > 0:54:34Of course it's early days for them.
0:54:34 > 0:54:37I mean, they've yet to live under the same roof, and
0:54:37 > 0:54:41in a few years' time they're going to have the challenge of dealing
0:54:41 > 0:54:43with each other's teenager.
0:54:43 > 0:54:49They say second time around they've learned the value of compromise.
0:54:49 > 0:54:51I think they're going to need it.
0:54:59 > 0:55:03In Bradford, Whitney's time with Claire and David is nearly over.
0:55:03 > 0:55:05- See the cows.- Do you want to see the cows?
0:55:05 > 0:55:08Before she leaves, she's joining them for a family outing.
0:55:11 > 0:55:15Quite the opposite to the lazy weekends Whitney and Megan prefer.
0:55:16 > 0:55:19Seeing you with Jay definitely, you know,
0:55:19 > 0:55:21makes me really excited to have kids one day.
0:55:21 > 0:55:23They're absolutely amazing.
0:55:23 > 0:55:27But they totally change the dynamics of your relationship.
0:55:27 > 0:55:31You won't have as much time for each other, like you do now.
0:55:31 > 0:55:34You know, your relationship is so intense.
0:55:34 > 0:55:37You will lose some of that closeness.
0:55:37 > 0:55:39I mean, I'm sure we'll be fine and adapt,
0:55:39 > 0:55:42but initially it does make me a little bit apprehensive.
0:55:42 > 0:55:47Yeah. You will be blown away at just how much love you both do have left.
0:55:47 > 0:55:50You will just adapt your relationship in other ways.
0:55:50 > 0:55:53But it is massive, having a child.
0:55:56 > 0:55:58After four days of scrutiny,
0:55:58 > 0:56:01what have the couples learnt from the experience?
0:56:02 > 0:56:07Meeting Megan and Whitney has been an amazing eye-opener.
0:56:07 > 0:56:11It's made me question a few bits of my relationship,
0:56:11 > 0:56:16but to the point of it's made me appreciate my relationship more.
0:56:16 > 0:56:21It's made me realise that our relationship is absolutely perfect
0:56:21 > 0:56:25for us, and Megan and Whitney's relationship
0:56:25 > 0:56:27is absolutely perfect for them.
0:56:27 > 0:56:31It's opened up my eyes to see a completely different dynamic of a
0:56:31 > 0:56:34relationship be equally as successful
0:56:34 > 0:56:36but in a completely different way.
0:56:36 > 0:56:40There is actually no recipe that makes a happy relationship.
0:56:40 > 0:56:42You can have many different ingredients,
0:56:42 > 0:56:45but as long as the endgame is love,
0:56:45 > 0:56:47it doesn't matter.
0:56:57 > 0:57:01Have I learnt what it takes to have a lasting relationship?
0:57:01 > 0:57:04Well, we've seen forgiveness, compromise,
0:57:04 > 0:57:07realistic expectations.
0:57:07 > 0:57:09But probably most important of all
0:57:09 > 0:57:12is the need for some sort of glue,
0:57:12 > 0:57:16a shared passion, whether it's battle re-enactments,
0:57:16 > 0:57:20a crumbling mansion, or even an enthusiasm for taking lovers.
0:57:22 > 0:57:25I might even possess some of those qualities myself.
0:57:25 > 0:57:27Would I do it all again?
0:57:27 > 0:57:28I don't think so.