0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- Are you filming me? - I told you I was.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Well, why didn't you tell me, so that I can look my best?
0:00:14 > 0:00:17HE LAUGHS
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Right, this is Dominic, my grandson,
0:00:19 > 0:00:22and he's starting his new school tomorrow, aren't you, Dominic?
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Yes.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28My relationship with my grandparents has always been unusually close.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34When my parents separated and my dad disappeared, my granddad stepped in.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40He filled the gap that my dad left behind and we became inseparable.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43- You're a good boy. I love you a lot. - I love you, too.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Throughout my childhood,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Nan and Granddad were there for each other, for better or worse.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Not a wrinkle in sight.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54I think you look very nice for your interview.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56It won't make any difference.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00But everything changed three years ago, when a brain scan revealed that
0:01:00 > 0:01:05Granddad was suffering from dementia, and that's when I started filming.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Are you ready?
0:01:07 > 0:01:11'I wanted to capture the strange turn his life was about to make.'
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Do you mind if I go under?
0:01:13 > 0:01:17'And maybe I was trying to hold on to him before he disappeared.'
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Why did we come to this hotel, then? Did they direct us here?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26You're not in a hotel, you're in a hospital.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27As time went on,
0:01:27 > 0:01:31I began to worry if Nan and Granddad's love was strong enough to
0:01:31 > 0:01:32withstand his illness...
0:01:32 > 0:01:36That's bullshit, mate. Why are you so anti-me?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38This is my life here!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40..and if I could bear to watch them fall apart.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- I meant... Are we filming now? - Yeah.- No? Are we?
0:01:59 > 0:02:00What I'm going to do, Granddad,
0:02:00 > 0:02:02is I'm going to ask you a series of questions...
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- Yes.- ..and I want you to answer honestly.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- OK.- You might be sensitive with some of the questions.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- OK, fine. Try it.- All right.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Has anybody ever mentioned the word "dementia" to you?
0:02:14 > 0:02:15- No.- Never?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- No.- Do you accept that you've got dementia?
0:02:18 > 0:02:19No, I don't.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- What would be the point?- Well, you have got dementia.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Well, I don't think I have.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Do you not think if loads and loads of people have said that you've got
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- dementia...- I don't care.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Who are these loads of people that say it?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Doctors, family.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39No. I deny it, and always will do.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52This is Highberries, my grandparents' house.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Ever since I was very young, I spent a lot of time here,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01being looked after by Nan and Granddad while my mum was at work.
0:03:01 > 0:03:06Get out of it! You're putting it on me, you! Get out!
0:03:06 > 0:03:09But now Granddad was here on his own and I was looking after him.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Granddad?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Granddad!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- What are you doing?- Well, I was just seeing if I could unlock that,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21cos I can't find the key.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23The keys have been taken.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- Eh?- The keys have been taken from you.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- Who's got those, then?- The DVLA have took your car keys.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31No, I'm not talking about car keys.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- I've got car keys.- Well, you shouldn't have those.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- Why?- You're not allowed to drive.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37I'm not going to drive.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I don't have an official "You can't drive," I don't think, do I?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Yeah, but the DVLA have told you, they've taken your licence away.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Have they?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Who cares?
0:03:50 > 0:03:51In 2014,
0:03:51 > 0:03:56Granddad was diagnosed with vascular dementia, which is caused when blood
0:03:56 > 0:03:58supply to the brain is restricted.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59In Granddad's case,
0:03:59 > 0:04:04it led to violent mood swings and a dramatic loss of short-term memory.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Do you think they've taken my licence away forever?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10- Yeah.- You do?- Yeah.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- Why?- Cos Nan showed me the letter.
0:04:14 > 0:04:19- What did the letter say?- That your driving licence has been revoked.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22HE BREATHES ERRATICALLY
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Oh.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Stupid thing.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31We've got cars coming out of our ears and can't drive them.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Was there a letter from them? Eh?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- From the DVLA?- Yeah.- Yeah. - And what did it say?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42I can't remember that.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44It's because you've got dementia.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Mm-hmm.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51You look a bit sad.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I am a bit sad.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57I miss my wife.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I don't think I'm ever going to drive again.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08What else can you say about things that are important to you?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Hmm?
0:05:13 > 0:05:17A week earlier, I was with my grandparents in Cyprus,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20where they have a holiday home.
0:05:20 > 0:05:25I've been going there with them ever since I can remember.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29But this year, Granddad was having outbursts of aggression which
0:05:29 > 0:05:33were so bad, I decided that Nan needed some space and that he should
0:05:33 > 0:05:35come home early.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39We were going to meet friends at a taverna.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42I said, "You've been drinking too much, I'm going to drive.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43"You're not safe to drive,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45"I'm not going to go in the car with you."
0:05:45 > 0:05:48He said, "If I don't drive, you're going nowhere."
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I remember being in the bedroom, Granddad was so aggressive.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54He was just shouting and shouting.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58You were in the middle, trying to get between us and save me,
0:05:58 > 0:05:59protect me, really.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I was really worried, actually, about what would happen to you.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05One time I thought you'd have to physically restrain your granddad
0:06:05 > 0:06:07and you didn't want to do that.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10No, I've never seen him like that, actually.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11No, it was... It was awful.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I know you were very, very, very worried.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17It wasn't fair, the responsibility you had, and you said,
0:06:17 > 0:06:20"I'm not leaving you, Nan. I'm not leaving you with Granddad,
0:06:20 > 0:06:25"you're not safe with him any more. I'm going to take him back home."
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I was so shaken by Granddad's behaviour towards Nan that
0:06:30 > 0:06:34separating them seemed like the only option.
0:06:34 > 0:06:40With Nan away in Cyprus, my mum and I were looking after Granddad.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42You're supposed to mellow when you get to your age.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46She's sitting there all on her own.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Well, why?!
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Because she needs a break.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52She's not being stubborn.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55She finds this alien, that's taking
0:06:55 > 0:06:58over your brain sometimes, hard to deal with.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01You forget you've seen people, and when I've gone,
0:07:01 > 0:07:05- you'll forget I even came. - Don't be ridiculous.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Don't be ridiculous.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Granddad, I spent two weeks with you in Cyprus less than a week
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- ago, and you forgot that I came. - Mm-hm.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Granddad was too much of a handful for me to look after by myself,
0:07:21 > 0:07:23so when Mum wasn't around,
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Nan arranged for my Auntie Becky to come and help.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Don't make arrangements with Dominic or anybody like that.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32If you want to go down there and have a rest, have a rest.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I'll have a rest here, but don't make arrangements for me
0:07:35 > 0:07:39and pass it through kids, as if I'm a kid.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- How is he?- Erm, a bit crazy. - What, again?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Well, where are you going to be? Are you going to stay forever?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I'm not going to... Well, I won't go... I'm not going to go anywhere
0:07:49 > 0:07:51unless you tell me what's going on.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I'm not going to be treated like a kid. Got it?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Dad!- What?- Stop it!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59I can't understand why she's there and I'm here.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Because she needs a break from you, because you're a bit intense
0:08:02 > 0:08:03and a bit obsessed with her.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- When's Mum coming home, then? - Don't know.- Oh, OK. - But you'll be with one of us.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11- I thought she said she was coming home on Tuesday. Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday...- Don't know...- ..or
0:08:11 > 0:08:15- something like that.- ..but it's Tuesday tomorrow and she's definitely not coming home tomorrow.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17No. Is she angry with me, then, or something?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- No, she just needs a break.- Oh, right.- Because you're being a bit intense.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24- Eh?- You're being a bit intense. - Why's she being intense?- No, you've been intense.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- It's always me. - Well, it is a bit, yeah.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31She's decided that she would like a few weeks on her own.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- Weeks?!- Because you've been arguing with her a lot,
0:08:34 > 0:08:39shouting at her a lot, and she can't take that. She's 80.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Where are you getting this, that we're having a go all the time?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I listen to it and you believe it.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- Well, ask Dominic.- What?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Well, Dominic was there a couple of
0:08:49 > 0:08:53weeks ago in Cyprus, and witnessed your wrath.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56And...but it's a pity, then, that he's not been there long enough to
0:08:56 > 0:08:59witness hers, and her punching you in the face and all that stuff.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Dad, she hasn't punched you in the face for years, and you've
0:09:02 > 0:09:05pushed her around, and from what I can gather from Dominic, the other
0:09:05 > 0:09:10- day, that, had he not got in between you, you might have hurt her.- No.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20That's one of my favourite pictures.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24That's a lovely picture.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29What were you and Nan like as a couple, when you were younger?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Oh, brilliant.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34I thought, "The eagle has landed."
0:09:34 > 0:09:37When I met Granddad, I was a widow.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41And I didn't quite know where I belonged.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44But I can't explain, I felt safe with him.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49I don't know, it seemed as if once I'd met him, I think I kind of
0:09:49 > 0:09:51knew that would be it.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54The first thing I saw was the legs.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56You want me to tell the truth.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- Yeah.- Super.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Stiletto high shoes on, I thought, "Here, look at that!"
0:10:02 > 0:10:04And then I bought her a drink,
0:10:04 > 0:10:07found out where she lived, I didn't take her home.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10But the next day I washed my car down, I thought,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"I'm going to go and find her."
0:10:13 > 0:10:16And she took over my life from there.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Granddad?
0:10:23 > 0:10:27- Granddad.- What? What?- Why don't we go out and do something nice?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29- What's, like, something nice?- We're going to go and get some lunch,
0:10:29 > 0:10:33get yourself ready, come on. You look scruffy, those trousers need changing. Come on.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38MUSIC: Everyday by Buddy Holly
0:10:42 > 0:10:47# Love like yours will surely come my way
0:10:47 > 0:10:50# Ah-hey, ah-hey-hey. #
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Now, we've got Crystal Palace playing Manchester United,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05and George Best is running down the wing.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08He's just about to score, and the referee blew the whistle.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Foul. So he went up to the referee, and he said, "What would you say,
0:11:12 > 0:11:16"Ref, if I called you a fucking idiot?" He says, "Nothing.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19"I'd book you, and you'd be off the field."
0:11:19 > 0:11:23He said, "What would you do if I thought you were a fucking idiot?"
0:11:23 > 0:11:25He said, "Well, I can't be responsible for your thoughts."
0:11:25 > 0:11:29- He said, "Well, in that case, I think you're a fucking idiot!" - HE LAUGHS
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- Is that a good joke?- That's a good joke.- That's a good joke, isn't it?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Did you hear that?
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- Should you be drinking, Granddad? - Why? Why shouldn't I drink?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- Well, they're not good for your tablets.- They're not memory tablets.
0:11:42 > 0:11:47My memory is not brilliant, but it's OK, now get off that task,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50because it's not going to help me, it just annoys me. OK?
0:11:56 > 0:11:59It was hard to know whether Granddad was simply forgetting he had
0:11:59 > 0:12:04dementia, or just refusing to let it dictate who he was.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I don't know what people expect of me from my memory.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10If you asked me my memory of what happened when I was a kid or
0:12:10 > 0:12:13when I was younger, when I was in the Army, or whatever,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I can remember it exactly.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19I even know my army number - 2335 44 24, Gunner Sivyer.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Nobody ever forgets their Army number.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28But I think sometimes, people, just by the nature of things,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31they're getting older, they have a decline in memory.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33I don't think I've got that.
0:12:33 > 0:12:38I just can't be bothered to retain stuff that doesn't interest me.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Because Granddad's dementia didn't seem to affect his long-term memory,
0:12:46 > 0:12:50we thought he'd enjoy revisiting places from his early life.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53So we decided to take him to see the first house he bought with Nan.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Do you think if we knocked on the door at Tudor Avenue...
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Oh, bugger that, I'm not doing that.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I'll walk up the end of the road before I give myself the
0:13:00 > 0:13:02embarrassment of... "I used to live here 40 years ago." "So what?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04"We're watching EastEnders."
0:13:04 > 0:13:08- Give over.- It might be nice to look back for you.- No, I don't want to do it.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- And I'm not going to do it. - I'll do it, then.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- No, you're not.- I can do it on my own.- What are you going to do?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Knock on the door and say, "Can I have a look around?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- "I used to live here 40 years ago." - Oh, don't be naff!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- It's not naff. - Don't be absolutely naff!
0:13:20 > 0:13:23I can see your mother now, shrivelling up, wherever she is.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- Where is she?- Granddad, whenever you talk about it, you're always really
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- positive, so I'm surprised why you're being grumpy about it.- Yeah.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- We thought it would be nice for you to come back.- I'm not even getting out of the car.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36What are you going to say to them, you dope?! "I used to live here."
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I have no interest in this reminiscing about the past.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44- Are you sure you don't want to come out?- I'm not coming.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Today we have Tom Sivyer. And what is your occupation?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54The boss.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Granddad's working life was pretty successful.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01In the space of five years, he went from driving a truck to owning the
0:14:01 > 0:14:05- whole company.- You can't get better than a Sivyer tipper.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Hooray!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Tell me, how can a boy like you afford a car like this?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I have ways.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16When I was younger, Granddad was the wealthiest person I knew.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18At the height of his career, he was
0:14:18 > 0:14:21successful, confident and easy-going.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27But in the years following retirement, he began to change.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I think it's been for far longer than anybody realises.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I tried, I think, a number of years, I tried to get him diagnosed,
0:14:38 > 0:14:41because I did suspect there was something wrong.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47He'd lose his temper very easily.
0:14:48 > 0:14:54He'd come within an inch of my nose, poking, poking, swearing,
0:14:54 > 0:14:58shouting, just abuse. Ranting.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04And I think that's why I'm deaf now, because Granddad used to shout at me.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08So do you think this is all part of the dementia?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- I hope so. I hope it was. - LAUGHTER
0:15:14 > 0:15:17When are you coming home? You should be on the plane tomorrow.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I am in a state here.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I've got Dominic here helping me.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24And what are you doing, prancing about over there?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Granddad had been apart from Nan for three weeks,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31and was phoning her constantly.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- Are you all right? - Yeah. She makes me fucking sick!
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Stupid!
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- What did she say on the phone? - Nothing, I didn't give her a chance.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56I just wanted her to know how bloody disappointed I am in her.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58What's she doing over there without me?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06He is obsessed about Nan.
0:16:06 > 0:16:14And he can swap between rage and sentimentality within half an hour.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17OK, I won't do that ever again, I promise you.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I won't hold your hand, or do anything.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I'll just treat you as if you were something that passed me by.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25What options does she have?
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Nothing, really. She's not to answer the phone, I guess.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33I'm perfectly... I'm perfectly...
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Then he'll phone her again, because he'll forget that he's phoned her.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I'm your husband. I'm in trouble here.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41I need help. I've got nobody to talk to.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Nothing to live for.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46If you abandon me now, I might as well cut my throat.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Since his diagnosis, Granddad had been taking multiple drugs which
0:16:52 > 0:16:56were meant to stabilise his mood and memory loss.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- Granddad?- Yeah? - I've got your tablets here.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02There's quite a few.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- You all right? - Yeah, fine, thank you.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- Where is she, then?- Where is she?
0:17:10 > 0:17:15- Yeah.- You know where she is.- Is she in Cyprus?- Yeah.- Oh, right.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- You know that, don't you? - No, I didn't.- You did.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Well, not for sure, I didn't.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Granddad's behaviour was becoming increasingly repetitive.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31He'd ring Nan, shout, forget, and then five minutes later,
0:17:31 > 0:17:34he'd do it all over again.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Did we speak to her today?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- Uh, yeah, we did, Granddad. - And who phoned who?
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Uh, I spoke to her, I think you've rung her quite a few times today.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- Can you not remember that? - No, I don't, actually.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48You did.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- Where's Becky?- I'm here.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- Just a quick word with your mum, before she goes.- Granddad, I'm
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- just talking to her for a minute.- I just said when she... Before you're
0:18:00 > 0:18:04- going...- I will, I will.- She's my wife, remember.- Yeah, I know, will you....- Just one second, I want to
0:18:04 > 0:18:08- tell her something.- Fine, OK.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- I do not want you coming back here on your own with him.- 'Yeah...'
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I'm not joking, Mum. This is not a good environment for you.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17'Yes, I'm dreading it.'
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Becky, don't forget I want a quick word!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- Granddad, I heard you!- OK.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25You cannot be here alone with him.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28He is obsessed, he is obsessed with you.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Mum, obsessed.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32'Yes, and the trouble with obsession
0:18:32 > 0:18:36'is that it can turn from love into anger very quickly.'
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Granddad started waking up in the middle of the night, confused,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48raging, and sometimes hallucinating.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55Eventually, things got so bad that we decided he needed medical help.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59There was a knock on the door, and it was two doctors.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05And I will guess that their assessment was that I needed help.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08She said, "You're coming with us."
0:19:08 > 0:19:12I said, "No, I'm not. I'm not coming with you."
0:19:12 > 0:19:14And she said, "You are,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17"and if necessary, I'll call the police."
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Granddad was taken to hospital against his will,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23and was sectioned under the Mental Health Act.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33I was shocked that such drastic action had been taken,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36but Granddad's situation wasn't uncommon.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Half of all those sectioned in the UK have dementia.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45Under the terms of his section, Granddad would have to remain in a
0:19:45 > 0:19:48secure psychiatric unit for a minimum of 28 days.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53I've bought you some bits.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Got you some nuts, some wine gums.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I've got your suit trousers.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02Oh, there are your pants.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- Have these been washed?- Yeah.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I washed them at home.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Really weird.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- What was weird?- When I had that...
0:20:14 > 0:20:16When was it, yesterday or last night?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- I don't know what you're talking about.- When I was, when I...
0:20:20 > 0:20:23When I passed out at the garage.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25You know what I'm talking about?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- You didn't pass out. - What did I do, then?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I don't know.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Well, you must know something,
0:20:33 > 0:20:36cos you're saying, "You didn't do that." Hmm?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39I don't know what... What garage are you talking about?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41A garage where they park cars.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45I came and parked... My car was over the other side of the road, and I
0:20:45 > 0:20:48didn't know where I'd been or anything about it, right?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I think that may have been one of the...
0:20:52 > 0:20:53the...
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- Hallucinations?- Yeah.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57- You think so?- Yeah.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I promise you, cos you've been here, Granddad.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05You've been here for a while. You've not been in a garage.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- How long have I been here? - Just over a week.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Did anybody come and see me while I was unconscious?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15You weren't unconscious.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19How do you know that?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Because it didn't happen.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Because people have been with you the whole time.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Mm-hmm.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30- What did I come here in? - You were brought here.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- By who?- By two psychiatrists.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40I tell you, I'm glad you've come, it would be bloody boring without you.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47How did we get here?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- Get where?- Here, this building.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56I'm trying to get my bearings, if I go home.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- I didn't come by car, did I? - Here?- Eh?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Here, no, you're in hospital, Granddad.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05That in itself is weird.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- Are you fed up? - No, it's just, I feel...
0:22:11 > 0:22:15I just feel sorry for you, because...
0:22:15 > 0:22:16I just...
0:22:16 > 0:22:20What do you feel sorry, because I can't remember it?
0:22:20 > 0:22:24- Mmm.- Well, I remember something, and
0:22:24 > 0:22:28in that, from where I am, it was completely remember...
0:22:28 > 0:22:34I must have been asleep or in some comatose situation.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37I now think I know roughly...
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- What's the matter? - I feel sorry for you, Granddad. DOMINIC WEEPS
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- What?- Sorry, I'm sorry for you.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Why? Hey, come on, why?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Answer me, come on, stop that!
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Yeah, but it must be really horrible.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- You think I'm going to die?- No, I don't think you're going to die.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03- You think I'm going to be an invalid?- No.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13- I'm not allowed to move, is that right?- Yeah.- Why did we come to this
0:23:13 > 0:23:14hotel, then? Did they direct us
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- here?- You're not in a hotel, you're in a hospital.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22True.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29On your marks, get set, go!
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Granddad seemed to be getting more and more confused.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- Has he got it? Has he really? - CHEERING
0:23:39 > 0:23:43I began to worry how much of this was due to his dementia, and how
0:23:43 > 0:23:45much I had aggravated the situation
0:23:45 > 0:23:48by helping to keep him and Nan apart.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50That was really good.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54By protecting her, perhaps I was harming him.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57PHONE LINE RINGING
0:23:57 > 0:23:59'Hello, this is Pam and Tom Sivyer.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02'If you leave your name and your number,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05'we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Bye now.'
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Hi, Nan, it's Dom.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I'm just ringing because I went to see Granddad in hospital today,
0:24:10 > 0:24:13and he's not good. He's really not good.
0:24:14 > 0:24:19And I know I said to you that you needed to stay in Cyprus, but
0:24:19 > 0:24:23I don't think I can do this on my own, so I think we need to have a
0:24:23 > 0:24:25chat about you perhaps coming back.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Give me a ring when you get this. OK, bye.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Three days later, Nan returned to the UK.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43I was glad she was back, but at the same time I wasn't sure if she'd be
0:24:43 > 0:24:45strong enough to cope with Granddad.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Are you happy to be back?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51No.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53No. I didn't want to come back.
0:24:54 > 0:25:00He is expecting me to go there and take him home, and I can't.
0:25:00 > 0:25:07He's been detained because they feel he is a danger to himself, and how
0:25:07 > 0:25:11am I going to explain that to him?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21I've never let Granddad down.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Ever.
0:25:24 > 0:25:30But it's very frustrating to have to deal with a person who is an
0:25:30 > 0:25:33entirely different person from the person you married.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46All right?
0:25:47 > 0:25:51- What?- Cor, you've lost some weight. - I haven't lost any weight.- Eh?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- Have you put me in here? - No.- You sure?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04They sectioned you.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Because you weren't taking care of yourself.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Who says so? Don't I look healthy for a man of 75?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12What are they talking about?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Because you've got dementia.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Oh, so that's it?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19I hate that fucking word!
0:26:19 > 0:26:23I'm... Dementia, eat, sleep here, this, I'm anything but that!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25What's dementia? I forget things?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Well, I haven't forgotten they stuffed me here.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Where am I going to go when I go out here?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Well, in a place where they...
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- A nursing home?- Yes.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- No...- Yes, a nursing home.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39What good's that do?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Well, I don't feel ill at all and I don't feel ill mentally, and that's
0:26:42 > 0:26:46where you're going. What's mental about me?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48I'm fit, I want to get out of this
0:26:48 > 0:26:50place and I don't want to listen to crap!
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I've found your attitude quite strange.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Where did you bugger off to go on holiday, when I'm in the middle of a
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- crisis, didn't you?- No.- Did you miss me when you were over there?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01What do you do when you go over there, do you go out at night,
0:27:01 > 0:27:03do you go out dancing, got a boyfriend?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05What do you do?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08I sit here and think, "Well, she's out in Cyprus doing all this..."
0:27:08 > 0:27:11When have I last gone dancing? I'm 80 years of age.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- It's so sad. - SHE WEEPS
0:27:22 > 0:27:25It was worse than I thought.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29I can't... I don't... I just don't know where to go from here.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33What can I do? Can I live with that?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- That anger.- But this is your life as well, Nan,
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- and you have to just say honestly what you want.- No, I...
0:27:40 > 0:27:45Can I? Can I possibly be happy by turning my back against him?
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Is it possible?
0:27:48 > 0:27:50You have to be really honest with what you want.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54I daren't.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Why?
0:27:56 > 0:27:57Cos it's going to shock everybody,
0:27:57 > 0:27:59and they're going to be cross with me.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Let's go home.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15OK.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24I really don't know what's in his mind any more.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Though he says he adores me, loves me, all the rest of it.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32If you were to really dig deep...
0:28:34 > 0:28:39..you'd find that he's only interested in himself,
0:28:39 > 0:28:42cos that's the nature of the illness.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45It's how it is.
0:28:52 > 0:28:57- PHONE ANSWER SERVICE: - 'Message eight, Saturday 5:59pm.
0:28:57 > 0:29:06- 'Hi, it's me...- Message deleted. Message 14, Saturday 6:31pm.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08'Hi, it's me...
0:29:08 > 0:29:10'Message deleted.
0:29:10 > 0:29:14'Message 19, Saturday 7:41pm.'
0:29:14 > 0:29:18- This is all on Saturday? - Yeah.- 'How nice of you...'
0:29:18 > 0:29:21- One day?- Yeah!- You get all of these messages?- Yeah.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24Yeah, and I speak to him a lot.
0:29:24 > 0:29:25How many more are coming?
0:29:27 > 0:29:29'Hello, Pam...'
0:29:29 > 0:29:32- He just says the same thing. - Yeah.- 'Message 31, Saturday...'
0:29:32 > 0:29:35I have this every day.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54You're not in prison, love, you're in hospital.
0:29:56 > 0:29:57In hospital.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00You are safe.
0:30:00 > 0:30:04It's only these nasty dreams you're having, I've told you before.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07At night-time you seem to get these weird dreams,
0:30:07 > 0:30:09and they're just dreams.
0:30:09 > 0:30:13I know it's the medicine, yeah, you're right, it's the medicine.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15And it's making you better. but it's also giving you...
0:30:15 > 0:30:17It has side effects.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19At 10:30 tomorrow,
0:30:19 > 0:30:23the manager of the convalescent home is coming to see you.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26If she deems that you're not very angry, etc,
0:30:26 > 0:30:30she will accept you into her convalescent home.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33And please be nice and pleasant, like I know you can be,
0:30:33 > 0:30:35because I want you to be able to go there.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39Night-night, sweetheart.
0:30:40 > 0:30:41Bye.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48I've told him it's a convalescent home and he's only going for
0:30:48 > 0:30:52two weeks, and that they won't release him unless he has two weeks'
0:30:52 > 0:30:56convalescence, but that's not the truth.
0:30:56 > 0:31:01The truth is, it's a nursing home and he's going there for good.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14I understood why Nan felt she couldn't tell Granddad the truth,
0:31:14 > 0:31:16but I didn't feel comfortable with it.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20And I don't think she did, either.
0:31:21 > 0:31:25'Nan's really upset, traumatised about all this.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27'She's racked with guilt, no matter what she says,
0:31:27 > 0:31:29'she is racked with guilt.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33'I don't think she knows which way she's blowing, to be honest
0:31:33 > 0:31:37- 'with you.'- Yeah. I know.- 'And as much as we love Granddad, you know,
0:31:37 > 0:31:39'he can be a right nutcase sometimes.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42'It's an odd one, there aren't really any answers, are there?
0:31:42 > 0:31:45'I think that's why everybody's so, so upset. It's because, you
0:31:45 > 0:31:49'know, you just want to solve it, and it's unsolvable.'
0:31:57 > 0:32:01After six weeks in the psychiatric ward,
0:32:01 > 0:32:04Granddad was sent to a care home, 35 miles from Highberries.
0:32:06 > 0:32:10Although he was out of hospital, his movements were still restricted,
0:32:10 > 0:32:14meaning that he was not free to leave the building unaccompanied.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16He hadn't been told this was a permanent move,
0:32:16 > 0:32:20and in his confusion, he was convinced that he was on holiday.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24When did Nan go home, last night?
0:32:24 > 0:32:27- Er, the other day.- The other day?
0:32:27 > 0:32:29- Not yesterday?- No.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Why did she go home early, then?
0:32:32 > 0:32:33Don't know.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38Wasn't arguing with her, was I?
0:32:38 > 0:32:39No.
0:32:41 > 0:32:46Nan was left alone at Highberries, but visited Granddad every few days.
0:32:47 > 0:32:51When I first visited him in the home, I would do everything right.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54I'd make sure he had his clothes and they were clean.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57I did all the things I should do,
0:32:57 > 0:33:02but part of me was still angry at how he treated me.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07And it took a while to get over that.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13You seem a bit on edge.
0:33:16 > 0:33:17I am, really.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22I am. It's a different phase of my life, isn't it?
0:33:22 > 0:33:24You know?
0:33:24 > 0:33:26I'm having to come to terms that...
0:33:29 > 0:33:33..that my life is going to be entirely different.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35I've never been on my own since I was 18.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39Should go.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43After nearly two months of separation,
0:33:43 > 0:33:48visits to the care home were proving stressful for both Nan and Granddad.
0:33:48 > 0:33:53Talking to the experts, it has been gently suggested that,
0:33:53 > 0:33:57after my visit, he becomes very, very agitated.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01I remind him of home, I'm reminding him of his past life,
0:34:01 > 0:34:03which no longer exists.
0:34:06 > 0:34:11And it would be better if I didn't visit so often.
0:34:11 > 0:34:15I kind of disagree, I couldn't live with not seeing Granddad like that.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18- I think it would be horrible. - But you've got to ask yourself,
0:34:18 > 0:34:21is it horrible for you or horrible for Granddad?
0:34:21 > 0:34:25Cos remember, five minutes after you have visited him,
0:34:25 > 0:34:28he's forgotten you've been.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYS
0:35:38 > 0:35:42What do I want to be in a smelly old people's home for,
0:35:42 > 0:35:44for an indefinite period of time?
0:35:45 > 0:35:48You go around and they're sitting there, looking at the wall,
0:35:48 > 0:35:50and looking at each other. The women are sitting there with thick
0:35:50 > 0:35:53lisle stockings on, with their legs apart and all that.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55Go, give me the gun, I'll shoot myself.
0:35:55 > 0:35:57I'm never going to do that.
0:35:57 > 0:35:58Never.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04On the days that Nan wasn't visiting Granddad in the care home,
0:36:04 > 0:36:06I went instead.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10But each time I saw him, there was only one thing on his mind.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13So you're taking me home?
0:36:13 > 0:36:15- Well, not today. - So when we going to go?
0:36:15 > 0:36:17Well, you have to stay here today.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19I'm not staying here today.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21I've been here all week and I want to go home.
0:36:21 > 0:36:25Do you think £95 will get me home?
0:36:25 > 0:36:27I want to go home.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29And tomorrow, one way or the other, I'm going home,
0:36:29 > 0:36:33even if I have to walk. If you say, "I don't want any part of that, I'm scared, I'm scared of
0:36:33 > 0:36:35"this and that," all right, I'll call you a wimp.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37All I'm going to do is get in your car and go.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42If Granddad came out of the care home,
0:36:42 > 0:36:45I wasn't sure who in the family would be able to look after him.
0:36:45 > 0:36:49But being here only seemed to be making things worse.
0:36:50 > 0:36:54He was losing control and felt nobody was listening to him.
0:36:55 > 0:36:56Where are you going?
0:36:56 > 0:36:57I'm going home.
0:37:09 > 0:37:13Two weeks later, Granddad did manage a temporary escape.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18It was agreed that he could spend Christmas at my mum's house.
0:37:29 > 0:37:33HE CHUCKLES
0:37:33 > 0:37:36DOMINIC LAUGHS
0:37:37 > 0:37:40HE KISSES DOMINIC AND LAUGHS
0:37:40 > 0:37:43All right. Granddad, I'll show you, you've got new clothes in here.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46I got you some...your pants and socks there, and you've got a new
0:37:46 > 0:37:49shirt and a blazer for Christmas in there.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52I'm going to go and get you a razor, though, OK?
0:37:52 > 0:37:53Yeah.
0:37:55 > 0:37:56What a lucky boy I am.
0:37:58 > 0:38:02A great daughter, this. A really great daughter.
0:38:03 > 0:38:07- One, two, three.- Wahey! - LAUGHTER
0:38:07 > 0:38:09Again!
0:38:09 > 0:38:13- I used to do that to... What's your name? Donald?- Dominic.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16- Dominic. Donald, his name is. - I'm not Donald.- Donald Duck.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19Less of that bellybutton, thank you. That's mine!
0:38:19 > 0:38:22# I need your love... #
0:38:22 > 0:38:26Once he was out of the care home, Granddad seemed to be transformed.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31Surrounded by familiar people and places,
0:38:31 > 0:38:33it was as if we had the old Granddad back.
0:38:43 > 0:38:47But after Christmas was over, Granddad refused to return to
0:38:47 > 0:38:49the care home, so Nan agreed to have him back.
0:38:51 > 0:38:55And it only took a couple of weeks for her to hit breaking point.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58- Do you not understand?- I understand.
0:38:58 > 0:39:02You are so selfish and I can't do it any more.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04And if I drop down and have a heart attack...
0:39:04 > 0:39:06I don't want to do it any more!
0:39:06 > 0:39:08The doctors have told me I can't keep this up.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10Get your hands off me!
0:39:16 > 0:39:18What, do you just know when he needs to do it?
0:39:18 > 0:39:21Yeah, he's starting getting...
0:39:21 > 0:39:23He starts getting agitated and agitated and agitated.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25You're cross.
0:39:25 > 0:39:30- I'm not cross, you keep accusing me of being cross.- All right, you're not cross. There you are.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33I'm more exasperated that I have to take these.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35- What do they do?- I don't know!
0:39:35 > 0:39:36They're prescribed by the doctor.
0:39:36 > 0:39:39- Calm down.- I'll put the coffee on.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08Have you spoken about him going back to the home?
0:40:08 > 0:40:11Oh, he's said he'll kill himself.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14- He said that?- If I put him in a home, he's going to kill himself.
0:40:18 > 0:40:19That's what he says.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29Two nights later, Nan called the Ambulance Service,
0:40:29 > 0:40:31thinking she was having a stroke.
0:40:33 > 0:40:37But instead of taking her to hospital, they brought in
0:40:37 > 0:40:42social services, who assessed that, at 81 years old, Nan was simply not
0:40:42 > 0:40:44coping with caring for Granddad.
0:40:46 > 0:40:50He was taken back to the same psychiatric unit where he was first
0:40:50 > 0:40:53sectioned, until a permanent solution could be found.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00I hate to say this,
0:41:00 > 0:41:02but...
0:41:02 > 0:41:04I was pleased.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06I really wanted him to go away.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08I wanted him to go away like mad.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11I really, with all my heart,
0:41:11 > 0:41:13I prayed that he would go.
0:41:17 > 0:41:21I felt guilty, because I didn't feel sorry for him,
0:41:21 > 0:41:23as sorry as I should have felt.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26I should have been devastated that he was in hospital.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30And I wasn't.
0:41:32 > 0:41:37Granddad spent another five weeks in hospital before being discharged.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43We knew by then there was no way he could go back to living with Nan.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48So my Aunt Becky agreed to take him in.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53- I'll tell you something, Dad.- Yeah.
0:41:53 > 0:41:56If we can get you calm, so you don't get angry,
0:41:56 > 0:41:57if you could stay calm...
0:41:57 > 0:42:00- If I could stay calm, what? - Then it would be easier for Mum,
0:42:00 > 0:42:03and Mum wouldn't have a problem in looking after you.
0:42:03 > 0:42:05Granddad, what do you want to do today?
0:42:05 > 0:42:09- Like what?- We're going to go out, you need to go and have a shower, because we're going out.
0:42:09 > 0:42:13- Going out where?- We're going out for a walk.- I'm not going out for a walk.- You've got to go out
0:42:13 > 0:42:16- for a walk.- I don't want to go for a walk, and I'm not going for a walk. I'll go have a shower,
0:42:16 > 0:42:19- all right?- All right, well, can you go and have a shower?
0:42:19 > 0:42:22No, I don't want to do it right now, but I promise you I will have a shower.
0:42:22 > 0:42:26- It's your fourth day without a shower.- Hmm?- Fourth day without a shower.- It isn't.- It really is,
0:42:26 > 0:42:30- honestly.- Look, I'll go and have a shower. How many more times do you want me to tell you? All right?
0:42:30 > 0:42:33I'm going to come and put it on. Come on, I'll show you where your stuff are. Come on, Dad.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35No, I'm not! I'm going to have another ten minutes!
0:42:35 > 0:42:38- Dad.- I can't be hassled.- Dad... - I'm going to have a shower!
0:42:38 > 0:42:41- Dad, you smell.- I'm not coming up for five minutes, OK?
0:42:41 > 0:42:44If you want to run the shower for five minutes...
0:42:44 > 0:42:45Well, do it!
0:42:45 > 0:42:48- You all right?- No, I'm not.
0:42:50 > 0:42:51I'm not.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56I feel ill.
0:43:01 > 0:43:03So, this is my room.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07Can you see?
0:43:07 > 0:43:09Why have you got a lock?
0:43:09 > 0:43:12Because Granddad comes in my room every night, and now he can't,
0:43:12 > 0:43:14but...
0:43:18 > 0:43:21The other night I was in the bed, and there was this much space.
0:43:22 > 0:43:26And he actually got on the bed behind me and cuddled me,
0:43:26 > 0:43:28and said...
0:43:28 > 0:43:31I feel mean, because it's not funny, but it is funny.
0:43:31 > 0:43:35And he just said, um, "Cuddle me, I'm really scared."
0:43:37 > 0:43:39So I went downstairs with him,
0:43:39 > 0:43:41and I slept on one sofa and he slept on the other.
0:43:46 > 0:43:49What are Granddad's options?
0:43:49 > 0:43:51His options are that he can stay
0:43:51 > 0:43:54with me, or I guess he'll have to go back in a home.
0:43:55 > 0:43:58- Who says so?- You won't be able to live on your own, Dad.
0:43:58 > 0:44:01Don't be ridiculous.
0:44:01 > 0:44:04- You going to take me down to pick my car up?- Yeah, if you want.
0:44:04 > 0:44:06Well, I've got no other means of getting down there otherwise,
0:44:06 > 0:44:08Becky's got to go to work.
0:44:08 > 0:44:11Well, the trouble is, you won't be able to drive your car.
0:44:11 > 0:44:14- Why?- Because you haven't got a driving licence.
0:44:14 > 0:44:18But I have. Now, that is a state of fact. I have a driving licence.
0:44:19 > 0:44:21- OK?- OK.
0:44:23 > 0:44:26I don't know, Dad. Sometimes I admire you, because I think you're
0:44:26 > 0:44:29just hanging on as much as you can to who you are.
0:44:39 > 0:44:42Granddad was no longer Nan's responsibility,
0:44:42 > 0:44:46but living alone was proving more difficult than she'd imagined.
0:44:48 > 0:44:52Living in Highberries was too much for me. Definitely.
0:44:52 > 0:44:54I lived in a tiny corner of it.
0:44:54 > 0:44:59Unless I was visiting Granddad, I didn't want to get dressed
0:44:59 > 0:45:00or go out.
0:45:01 > 0:45:03I didn't want to ring anybody.
0:45:03 > 0:45:05I didn't really want to talk to anybody.
0:45:07 > 0:45:10I sometimes just sat and didn't go to bed.
0:45:14 > 0:45:15I've never felt so low.
0:45:17 > 0:45:19And I couldn't see a way forward.
0:45:31 > 0:45:34After a month of having Granddad in her house,
0:45:34 > 0:45:36Becky came up with a new plan.
0:45:36 > 0:45:40She decided to renovate a studio in her back garden,
0:45:40 > 0:45:43with the idea that he would live here permanently.
0:45:43 > 0:45:47This is, um...going to be sort of a living area.
0:45:47 > 0:45:50So there's going to be a sink put in over there.
0:45:50 > 0:45:52Um... This is the bathroom.
0:45:52 > 0:45:56This is being completely gutted, actually.
0:45:56 > 0:45:57Hmm.
0:46:00 > 0:46:03- What do you make of it, Granddad? - Pretty good, I think.
0:46:03 > 0:46:07Pretty good. A nice little house for somebody, isn't it?
0:46:07 > 0:46:10- Hmm.- Maybe you.
0:46:34 > 0:46:36A month later, Nan made a big decision.
0:46:38 > 0:46:41She moved out of Highberries and into a retirement village,
0:46:41 > 0:46:43where she could get support when she needed it.
0:46:46 > 0:46:49When I decided to move, I was apprehensive.
0:46:49 > 0:46:53I've lived at the same house for 30 years, and I was doing it alone.
0:46:53 > 0:46:55If I hadn't have moved here,
0:46:55 > 0:46:59I think my health would have seriously deteriorated.
0:46:59 > 0:47:01Are you happy in this new place?
0:47:01 > 0:47:04Yes, I am, actually.
0:47:04 > 0:47:07Yes. Yes, I am.
0:47:11 > 0:47:15- Is that from Granddad? - Yes.- What does he say in it?
0:47:17 > 0:47:21He says, "When we met, I was dancing over the moon with my luck,
0:47:21 > 0:47:26"and I miss you so much, it hurts.
0:47:27 > 0:47:32"I have had you for 50 years", or something.
0:47:32 > 0:47:35I can't read all his writing. It's a little bit of a scrawl.
0:47:36 > 0:47:39- Does Granddad know you've moved in?- No.
0:47:39 > 0:47:41No, he doesn't.
0:47:43 > 0:47:45No, he doesn't.
0:47:52 > 0:47:57Over the next two months, Nan settled into the retirement village,
0:47:57 > 0:48:00and Granddad moved into the newly renovated studio in Becky's garden.
0:48:04 > 0:48:07He was weaned off the mood-stabilising drugs
0:48:07 > 0:48:09and seemed to be doing well.
0:48:10 > 0:48:12- You coming?- Yeah.- Good.
0:48:13 > 0:48:16Are you happy here?
0:48:16 > 0:48:17Yeah.
0:48:17 > 0:48:19I don't like being on my own.
0:48:19 > 0:48:22When Nan turns up, we'll probably have a nice couple of days.
0:48:22 > 0:48:25I need company. I don't like being on my own.
0:48:28 > 0:48:31Nan agreed to start seeing Granddad regularly,
0:48:31 > 0:48:32but the visits were rarely happy.
0:48:34 > 0:48:37We told Granddad that Nan had moved out of Highberries,
0:48:37 > 0:48:40which, predictably, he didn't take very well.
0:48:42 > 0:48:45I presume I'm going to Highberries
0:48:45 > 0:48:47and you're going to stay where you are, right?
0:48:47 > 0:48:52- Pam?- I don't wish to talk about it this afternoon.
0:48:52 > 0:48:54You can't be at Highberries on your own.
0:48:54 > 0:48:55I'm not going to be on my own.
0:48:55 > 0:48:59I'm going tomorrow. And if you don't want to be with me, fine.
0:48:59 > 0:49:03- You can't look after yourself. - Oh, bollocks. Don't be stupid.
0:49:03 > 0:49:06You know, you're not going to control me. You don't want to live with me, fine.
0:49:06 > 0:49:09I don't want to control you, I just want you happy.
0:49:09 > 0:49:11You're not going to do anything to me.
0:49:11 > 0:49:13I'm going to do it myself.
0:49:13 > 0:49:15- All right?- Unfortunately, you can't.
0:49:15 > 0:49:18- Why? Who says I can't? - The doctors.- Bollocks.
0:49:18 > 0:49:21- There's not a doctor said that to me.- Yes, they have, actually.
0:49:21 > 0:49:23Well, they haven't!
0:49:24 > 0:49:26Tom, when you attempted it, they sectioned you twice.
0:49:26 > 0:49:29Well, look, I'm going to do it, OK?
0:49:29 > 0:49:30All right?
0:49:30 > 0:49:32I'm going to do it.
0:49:33 > 0:49:35Now, you get on with your life, if that's what you keep saying to me,
0:49:35 > 0:49:38you do it. All right?
0:49:38 > 0:49:40I'm not going to be tucked up in a corner. I am not.
0:49:49 > 0:49:54Seeing Granddad makes me feel confused.
0:49:55 > 0:49:57Part of me feels...
0:49:59 > 0:50:03Oh, so relieved that I'm...I'm not looking after him any more.
0:50:06 > 0:50:10And that is a feeling that is not a good one to have, cos
0:50:10 > 0:50:15you feel... I feel guilty that I shouldn't want to
0:50:15 > 0:50:17snatch him up and take him home.
0:50:18 > 0:50:22After Nan left, we realised that we had to tell Granddad the truth.
0:50:24 > 0:50:26He would be staying with Becky for good.
0:50:28 > 0:50:31Nan would remain in her new home.
0:50:33 > 0:50:36And Highberries, the house that they had owned together
0:50:36 > 0:50:39for nearly 40 years, was up for sale.
0:50:43 > 0:50:44I just feel so betrayed.
0:50:46 > 0:50:48I feel mentally scarred at the moment.
0:50:53 > 0:50:55I don't know, I just think we've fallen out of love.
0:50:57 > 0:51:00And she's been a big part - 50 years, I've been with her.
0:51:02 > 0:51:04How can I help you? I don't know how to help you.
0:51:04 > 0:51:06Shoot me.
0:51:07 > 0:51:09Is that what you feel like?
0:51:09 > 0:51:11What, really? Like you don't want to live?
0:51:12 > 0:51:15- Not bothered.- Aren't you?
0:51:17 > 0:51:20My world has collapsed.
0:51:25 > 0:51:29MUSIC: 'S Wonderful by Doris Day
0:51:35 > 0:51:40Even after all the rows, the shouting and the ranting,
0:51:40 > 0:51:44I began to wonder whether being apart from each other would always
0:51:44 > 0:51:47be more destructive than Nan and Granddad being back together.
0:51:50 > 0:51:51And I wasn't the only one.
0:51:53 > 0:51:57- PAM:- 'I've been crying a lot, Dom. I don't... It started up...
0:51:57 > 0:51:58'It's hard to describe.
0:51:58 > 0:52:00'I'm a bit fragile this morning.'
0:52:00 > 0:52:03What's making you feel fragile at the moment?
0:52:03 > 0:52:07'I'm just not...in a good place.
0:52:07 > 0:52:10'I know I can't help it. I just feel a bit sad, Dom.
0:52:10 > 0:52:13'I don't know what's going to happen to him.
0:52:13 > 0:52:16'It's so sad. He's my husband.
0:52:17 > 0:52:19'He's my responsibility.'
0:52:26 > 0:52:31I tried to tell myself that I didn't love him or didn't like him,
0:52:31 > 0:52:33I didn't want him there.
0:52:33 > 0:52:37But it wasn't true. I was just kidding myself.
0:52:37 > 0:52:40I think I needed that bit of a break.
0:52:42 > 0:52:45What happened was, he rang me up.
0:52:45 > 0:52:46He was just crying.
0:52:46 > 0:52:48And he said, "It's breaking my heart."
0:52:50 > 0:52:52And I just, I thought,
0:52:52 > 0:52:55"I can't. I can't do this. No matter what,
0:52:55 > 0:52:58"this isn't the end of our story.
0:52:58 > 0:53:00"It can't be."
0:53:02 > 0:53:05And I just said, "You know what?
0:53:05 > 0:53:07"Bring him home. Bring him here now.
0:53:07 > 0:53:08"Bring him straight down now."
0:53:10 > 0:53:15And that's the best remark I've ever made.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17"Bring him now."
0:53:20 > 0:53:24TOM WHISTLES AND BIRD RESPONDS
0:53:24 > 0:53:26There you are.
0:53:26 > 0:53:30HE WHISTLES AND BIRD REPEATS MELODY
0:53:31 > 0:53:34HE LAUGHS
0:53:34 > 0:53:36Didn't know I could do that, did you?
0:53:38 > 0:53:41- Is that pot going in there?- Yes. - It's nowhere near big enough.
0:53:41 > 0:53:44After five months in Becky's studio,
0:53:44 > 0:53:48Granddad moved into the retirement village with Nan.
0:53:48 > 0:53:50Be careful, you're treading on some plants.
0:53:50 > 0:53:52Look at that. There.
0:53:52 > 0:53:54I was treading there.
0:53:54 > 0:53:59- Oh! Mind your foot on that rose! - It's not on the rose.
0:53:59 > 0:54:04Once they were reunited, the change in him seemed instant and dramatic.
0:54:06 > 0:54:08HE CHUCKLES
0:54:11 > 0:54:13Why are you so chirpy?
0:54:14 > 0:54:16Why not?
0:54:18 > 0:54:20Crystal Palace is doing OK.
0:54:20 > 0:54:22Charlton are doing OK.
0:54:22 > 0:54:23And I'm doing OK.
0:54:28 > 0:54:30Look at the difference.
0:54:30 > 0:54:32Now I can cope.
0:54:32 > 0:54:38Now I can love him and enjoy our time together,
0:54:38 > 0:54:40our last few years together.
0:54:43 > 0:54:46HE LAUGHS
0:54:51 > 0:54:53Granddad seems to like it here.
0:54:53 > 0:54:58Yes, he hasn't quite got as far as saying this is home yet.
0:54:58 > 0:55:01But I think he's happy here.
0:55:01 > 0:55:06Well, certainly his behaviour is, oh, 100 times better.
0:55:06 > 0:55:09And in the end, what does it matter?
0:55:09 > 0:55:12What does it matter if he doesn't remember yesterday,
0:55:12 > 0:55:14if today is good?
0:55:15 > 0:55:18I mean, I just expected him... When he was hospitalised,
0:55:18 > 0:55:21I just expected him, really, to get worse.
0:55:21 > 0:55:24Occasionally he does get angry, but it's more petulant.
0:55:24 > 0:55:26It's not really fearsome.
0:55:26 > 0:55:28And that's the biggest change.
0:55:28 > 0:55:31But what... I don't get what it is. I don't get what's changed.
0:55:31 > 0:55:33Or what has made him change.
0:55:33 > 0:55:36- That's what I don't understand... - I really don't know.
0:55:36 > 0:55:39He's got a great deal of strength of character.
0:55:39 > 0:55:41Maybe it's that.
0:55:44 > 0:55:46- What are you talking about? - We're talking about you,
0:55:46 > 0:55:52rejecting that you are not 100% fit and well and in control of your own
0:55:52 > 0:55:55- destiny.- When was I not well?
0:55:55 > 0:55:57For the last two years you haven't been that well.
0:55:57 > 0:56:00- I've been fine in the last two years.- Well, no, you seem great now.
0:56:00 > 0:56:03- That's why I asked her.- Hmm. Yeah.
0:56:03 > 0:56:06You see, that's the one thing that makes Granddad angry,
0:56:06 > 0:56:08if you talk about any illness.
0:56:08 > 0:56:12But in the old days, that would have made him very, very, very cross.
0:56:12 > 0:56:15Now he'll just be a bit angry.
0:56:15 > 0:56:18- Come on, let's go and give him a hug.- No, he won't hug.- Come on.
0:56:18 > 0:56:21- No, he won't hug. Not in a million years.- We can't have a sad ending.
0:56:21 > 0:56:23It's got to be a happy one.
0:56:26 > 0:56:30I started filming this documentary to try and make sense of an illness
0:56:30 > 0:56:34that was taking away the most important man in my life,
0:56:34 > 0:56:36and dismantling 50 years of a marriage.
0:56:38 > 0:56:41But what I found defied all expectation.
0:56:42 > 0:56:46Whilst Granddad still has problems with his short-term memory,
0:56:46 > 0:56:50his moods have improved, and the anger and aggression have subsided.
0:56:52 > 0:56:56But perhaps what's most surprising is that, with all the forces pulling
0:56:56 > 0:57:00him and Nan apart, they've somehow held on to each other.
0:57:02 > 0:57:04So are you happy being back with each other, then?
0:57:04 > 0:57:10What, now? No, I feel that there's a bit of comeuppance coming for me!
0:57:10 > 0:57:12THEY LAUGH
0:57:14 > 0:57:17Do you think you'd ever accept that you had dementia?
0:57:17 > 0:57:19Uh, no. Why should I?
0:57:19 > 0:57:22You think I do?
0:57:22 > 0:57:24The word "dementia" annoys me.
0:57:24 > 0:57:26I'm just not interested in it.
0:57:26 > 0:57:28And the more it comes at me, the more I shall kick it away.
0:57:31 > 0:57:36All I've got to worry about is, I love my wife, your grandmother,
0:57:36 > 0:57:38we've had ups and downs, and this and that,
0:57:38 > 0:57:40but we've been married a long time.
0:57:40 > 0:57:46And she has fought for me and gone beyond any reasonable thing to stand
0:57:46 > 0:57:47shoulder-to-shoulder to me.
0:57:49 > 0:57:52If anything happened to her, then I would be in trouble.
0:57:53 > 0:57:55I definitely would be.
0:57:58 > 0:58:02I would say, beware of what you wish for.
0:58:02 > 0:58:05Cos I got my way when I was on my own.
0:58:08 > 0:58:12And for all its ups and downs, I much prefer it this way.
0:58:15 > 0:58:17I wished he hadn't got this illness, but...
0:58:20 > 0:58:23..that's the way the cookie crumbles, kid.
0:58:26 > 0:58:27Hm?
0:58:31 > 0:58:36GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS