0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:08This programme contains some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting
0:00:08 > 0:00:09I'm Olly Alexander.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13I'm lead singer of the band Years & Years and an out gay man.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15- Back seat, what's up? - Hiya!- Hiya!
0:00:15 > 0:00:20I've also recently come out about my struggles with my mental health.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24I have anxiety and depression, and I'm not alone.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28There's a perception that in 2017,
0:00:28 > 0:00:33for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender people, it's all good.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37We have equal marriage, we're protected in rights.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39But...
0:00:39 > 0:00:43the stats tell us that 40% of LGBT people
0:00:43 > 0:00:45are likely to suffer with mental health issues
0:00:45 > 0:00:47like anxiety and depression,
0:00:47 > 0:00:51compared to 25% of the general population.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53That's outrageous.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57And I feel like it's something we are just ignoring.
0:00:57 > 0:01:02It's something that I come across all the time
0:01:02 > 0:01:04from fans of Years & Years in letters,
0:01:04 > 0:01:06when I talk to them at shows.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08It's something I know about my own personal experience,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11but also my friends who are in the community.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15I, personally, have yet to meet a LGBT person that hasn't...
0:01:17 > 0:01:22..been unscathed by... growing up LGBT.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23I mean, I haven't.
0:01:25 > 0:01:30I want to understand why and what impact growing up gay has had on me.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34MUSIC: Take Shelter by Years & Years
0:01:34 > 0:01:37CHEERING
0:01:45 > 0:01:49PIANO PLAYING, CHUCKLING
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Three, four...
0:01:53 > 0:01:56# What to say about dreams... #
0:01:56 > 0:02:02INDISTINCT LYRICS
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I'm making this film while writing and rehearsing
0:02:08 > 0:02:10the difficult second album.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12No-one can say I don't like a challenge.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14And again.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17# And you're reaching for your brother's arms
0:02:17 > 0:02:20# The two-tone flash of the alarm
0:02:20 > 0:02:22# And I choke
0:02:22 > 0:02:25# It's too close... # THEY CHUCKLE
0:02:25 > 0:02:28# And you're standing on that higher step
0:02:28 > 0:02:30# I think I'll run away from this
0:02:30 > 0:02:33# I go
0:02:33 > 0:02:35# It's to F... # Then G.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39'I've lived with anxiety and depression since my teenage years.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43'I guess I'm lucky because I recognised the problem and got help.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46'But I do still have regular lapses.'
0:02:46 > 0:02:49As a band, we're pretty good at talking about our feelings.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52We've gotten better at it, as well,
0:02:52 > 0:02:56and it's... It's kind of a crazy environment to be in.
0:02:56 > 0:03:01I take my medication. I see a therapist once a week.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03And yeah, I have highs and lows. Um...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08And I get freaked out a lot.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11But it's not as much as I used to,
0:03:11 > 0:03:15and I'm much better at managing stuff, you know.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18It helps that my bandmates, Mikey and Emre, are hugely supportive
0:03:18 > 0:03:22when I do have an anxiety attack, or when I can't get out of bed.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26When you go on stage, you're on stage
0:03:26 > 0:03:28and there's nothing you can do to get out of that situation.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30It's more acute for him cos he's...
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Cos he's right at the centre, front.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35And singing, I think, is a very personal thing to do.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- We can hide a bit behind our... - Yeah!- ..our synths.
0:03:38 > 0:03:44But, yeah, there's been a few times when we've had to...prop him up
0:03:44 > 0:03:45when he didn't want to go on stage
0:03:45 > 0:03:47or didn't want to go back on for the encore
0:03:47 > 0:03:51and just wasn't feeling very confident.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53When we're on tour, I just get into this quite ,like,
0:03:53 > 0:03:55like a robot athlete.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Like, I'm just...you know, like, focus, I go to bed early,
0:03:57 > 0:04:01I, like, have to be good to myself and I have to perform on stage
0:04:01 > 0:04:03and almost not think too much about everything that's going on
0:04:03 > 0:04:07because I've had times when I've, you know, just come off stage
0:04:07 > 0:04:11and had, like, a panic attack and I'm sobbing
0:04:11 > 0:04:12and I have to go back on stage.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14LAUGHS: And it's like... You know, just like...
0:04:14 > 0:04:17You, like, take the microphone, you're on stage smiling,
0:04:17 > 0:04:20and you're just like, "This is a nightmare."
0:04:20 > 0:04:22And that's not a good place to be in.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I've probably been aware of my depression and anxiety
0:04:27 > 0:04:29for about 12 years.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33But I often wonder where it came from and what caused it.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37I've always kept diaries, so they feel like a good place to begin.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40What I started to notice when I was reading back these diaries
0:04:40 > 0:04:43was how...really early on,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46I start to feel really distressed
0:04:46 > 0:04:48and I don't tell anyone about it, I don't think.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51So I'm 14, turning 15.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I think my parents have just split up.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57And I'm starting to really have, like, long periods of feeling low
0:04:57 > 0:04:59and feeling people don't understand me
0:04:59 > 0:05:03and feeling kind of just unhappy and confused by it.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06"2nd of October, 2005.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08"The other night was the worst it's ever been.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"I need to remember this.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12"I remember dancing - that was awesome,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14"feeling consumed by such incredible energy.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16"But I was so hot, so I took my shirt off,
0:05:16 > 0:05:19"just my small black T-shirt left.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23"Dancing, and then Matt came up to me and saw my plaster on my arm.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26"And then came the words I've been waiting for ever since I began.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29"'You haven't been cutting yourself, have you?'"
0:05:29 > 0:05:31HE EXHALES Boy!
0:05:33 > 0:05:36I just wanted to do it because I felt like it was...
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I had all these feelings that I couldn't...deal with,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42so, you know, harming myself was, like...
0:05:43 > 0:05:45..seemed the most obvious way to deal with it.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49It felt, like...simple and...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51you know, it felt good to do it.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56But then it felt awful. And then it was just this cycle.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58And then a year later, I kind of stop doing that,
0:05:58 > 0:06:02and I develop an eating disorder, basically.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07Throwing up food and just constantly...
0:06:07 > 0:06:09constantly thinking about what I'm eating.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Like, I've just written pages of, "I will not eat bread.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16"I will not eat cakes.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18"I will not eat chocolate. I will not eat bread.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20"I will not eat cakes. I will not eat chocolate."
0:06:20 > 0:06:23It's a really hard thing to talk about.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25HE LAUGHS
0:06:25 > 0:06:27That's why I'm trying to talk about it.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31We want to tell people that we're proud and that we're happy and that,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34look, being gay didn't make me sad, it didn't make me...
0:06:34 > 0:06:36It hasn't made things harder for me, it's made them better.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38It's made things great. Look at how...
0:06:38 > 0:06:40You know? And then it can be hard to then go, "Actually,
0:06:40 > 0:06:46I think maybe growing up gay in a straight world, um...
0:06:46 > 0:06:50has really affected me and has made me feel all these things, and I
0:06:50 > 0:06:54think that can be a really hard thing for people to actually say.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58You know, I'm not saying that being gay means you're going to be sad or
0:06:58 > 0:07:01you're going to be depressed. I'm not saying that.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04But...there's a link.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05And I think
0:07:05 > 0:07:07I want to understand it better.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Reading back my diaries,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14it's shocking to see how low I was at that time.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I'm in a better place now, but I'm pretty sure that, for me,
0:07:18 > 0:07:21a big part of my struggles with mental health are down to those
0:07:21 > 0:07:24years of coming to terms with my sexuality.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29During that time, I was living at home with my mum.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Going home can be a difficult experience.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36I feel like I was a different person when I was a teenager growing up.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41On the way here, like, "Why do I feel sick?"
0:07:41 > 0:07:46And it feels a bit like facing up to some painful memories.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47I left school and then moved
0:07:47 > 0:07:50to London, and I have a different life now, and it's like
0:07:50 > 0:07:52now I'm realising that part of me is sort of trying to, like,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54squash down a lot of that and be
0:07:54 > 0:07:56like, "Well, I'm this different person now," you know.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Sleepy Coleford is a far cry from my hectic life in London.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08It's where my lovely mum Vicky still lives.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- Hello?- O-o-o-oh.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- Mwah!- How are you doing?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17I'm good. How are you?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- You look lovely. - Well, you look even lovelier.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22THEY LAUGH
0:08:23 > 0:08:26This is my old room.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30'I moved here with my mum and brother a few years after my parents
0:08:30 > 0:08:32split up and my dad moved away.'
0:08:34 > 0:08:36This is it.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41This is my room from about 16.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47I feel a bit, like, it's like living in a cupboard under the stairs.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I think 16-year-old me was very...
0:08:51 > 0:08:54..very emotional.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56And I felt a bit, like, lonely because I didn't really tell...
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I wasn't really telling anybody about it.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02I always felt, really, like I was maybe a freak.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Like I was really different, because
0:09:04 > 0:09:07people were just telling me that I was different all the time, really.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Part of me really liked being weird, liked being different.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I thought that was...
0:09:12 > 0:09:16that was who I was, but then another part of me thought it was...
0:09:16 > 0:09:18just wished, I wished I was like everyone else,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20I wished I was normal.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24"Normal." My God, I can't believe I said I wished I was normal!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I don't wish I was normal.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Yeah.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I hate that word.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I don't think my mum really knew what was going on for me back then,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43so I've decided it's time we talked about it.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46So I've got something to show you.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48What is it?
0:09:49 > 0:09:53I haven't seen Mum for a few months and she's been going through all our
0:09:53 > 0:09:54old home videos.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Terrifying.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58- Is that me?- Yes.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03'Steps - The Next Step Live, which is so cool, it's got all the songs.'
0:10:03 > 0:10:05HE LAUGHS
0:10:05 > 0:10:10'Well, it's the last Christmas of the 20th century,
0:10:10 > 0:10:12'and I'm so excited.'
0:10:12 > 0:10:13HE LAUGHS IN EMBARRASSMENT
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Oh, my God! I feel sick.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18# I don't want no scrubs
0:10:18 > 0:10:20# A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
0:10:20 > 0:10:24# Hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride
0:10:24 > 0:10:27# Trying to holler at me. #
0:10:27 > 0:10:28I look so uncomfortable.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34I was bullied from when I was nine until I was about 15.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36But I didn't really tell anyone.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I don't know if you knew, but in primary school,
0:10:39 > 0:10:40I started getting bullied.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I looked like a girl. They said I looked like a girl.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- Really?- Yeah. Because I had long hair.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49- And then that became that I was gay.- Oh!
0:10:49 > 0:10:51And then in secondary school, yeah...
0:10:51 > 0:10:55I started to, like, think that I was gay,
0:10:55 > 0:10:56- and then...- Mmm.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58..that became...
0:10:59 > 0:11:02I just wished, I was just like, "I don't want to be gay,"
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- and I kind of... - It was too much.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08I already felt like people picked on me and then I was like,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10"This is going to be even worse," and then...
0:11:12 > 0:11:13I think...I don't know.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16It seems like I was just, like...
0:11:16 > 0:11:18putting jazz hands over everything.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22I think about when you asked me, did I know that you were gay?
0:11:22 > 0:11:27- Yeah.- I said, you know, I had a feeling that you might be.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31But maybe I didn't want to, um...
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- affirm that because of fear...- Mmm.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39..of what your life might become like,
0:11:39 > 0:11:43from all the homophobia that still exists out there.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48- So the bullying...?- When I was, like, 14, 15, it kind of stopped.
0:11:48 > 0:11:53And then you started becoming anorexic, bulimic.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I was bulimic, really, and then having...
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I was restricting food, as well.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00And I would self-harm.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03SHE SIGHS
0:12:03 > 0:12:06I remember thinking, "Why's this happening?"
0:12:06 > 0:12:09I don't think we really had a...
0:12:09 > 0:12:11a full conversation about... Did we?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Yeah.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30HE SOBS
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Yeah, I guess.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39I guess I think I might have been in denial, maybe, or...
0:12:39 > 0:12:43I felt so bad because I couldn't explain to you what was going on,
0:12:43 > 0:12:47and I felt ashamed of myself for, like, being the way I was,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49and I couldn't tell you.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51And, like...
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Could anything have been different if you'd been able to talk to me?
0:12:58 > 0:13:02I can't help but feel guilty as a parent.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04What could I have...? Oh, I don't...
0:13:04 > 0:13:06There was nothing you could have done.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12I couldn't talk about it.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16- No.- I hadn't come to terms with myself at all with anything.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22You're a great mum. You are a great mum.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34I feel like I'm starting to sort of blame myself a little bit less.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38I can see why maybe I did struggle the way I did, because...
0:13:39 > 0:13:42..like, I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44And I was ashamed of myself.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48And part of that was because I was ashamed of being gay.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53And no wonder, really, that it then caused me to...
0:13:55 > 0:13:57..get so low and,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00you know, feel the way I did about things.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07The shame I felt from such a young age must have had a major impact
0:14:07 > 0:14:09on my mental health.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13School was a horrible time for me, and bulimia and self-harm
0:14:13 > 0:14:14were my ways of coping.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18I felt I couldn't talk to anybody, not even my best friend, Georgina.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Hi, George!
0:14:21 > 0:14:22Sometimes I think
0:14:22 > 0:14:25the closer someone is to you, the harder it is to share.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Georgina, we were so close.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30We spent every day together.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34You know, there did come a time when we were aware that the other was
0:14:34 > 0:14:36going through some stuff, but we just... We didn't know how to have a
0:14:36 > 0:14:38conversation about it.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Do you remember when we first laid eyes on each other?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Yeah. THEY LAUGH
0:14:43 > 0:14:47I just remember you having curtains and a choker,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50and following...literally following me around, like this.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Oh, my God!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55You were, like, stalking me everywhere.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57HE LAUGHS Oh, my God!
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- Yeah.- Yeah.- I was obsessed with you from the first moment.- Awww.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06George was someone who helped me survive my traumatic school years.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Oh, my God, like, it's not even here any more!
0:15:08 > 0:15:12This is so weird. It's all gone.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Yeah.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- I find it quite hard to actually remember stuff.- Yeah.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Getting bullied, but it wasn't really ever that bad, physically,
0:15:20 > 0:15:24but it just was being made to feel like I was different and I didn't
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- fit in and stuff.- Yeah, yeah.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30There was a general kind of vocabulary around you being used
0:15:30 > 0:15:33that wasn't...that wasn't positive, I guess.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Yeah. Did you think I was gay, always think I was gay?
0:15:36 > 0:15:41Yeah. But then you started seeing girls and...
0:15:41 > 0:15:45I don't know, I guess, yeah, I was confused, looking, like,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47from a friend point of view, yeah.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Always knowing, but then never...
0:15:50 > 0:15:53maybe never having the courage to bring it up with you or something,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55even though we were really close, but...
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- I don't know how you would have. - Yeah.- Like, "Babe..."
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- THEY LAUGH - Yeah. "Do you know that you're gay?" - "I think you're gay."
0:16:02 > 0:16:06- Yeah.- I think at school, I learned that people around me
0:16:06 > 0:16:08were my enemies.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11You know, like, other kids were going to be mean to me.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13I was always on guard, on the defensive all the time.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16It just creates this, like... Even talking about it now, I'm, like,
0:16:16 > 0:16:18getting anxiety about it and it's...
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Yeah. I never liked spending time with kids my own age because I
0:16:21 > 0:16:24thought they'd be mean to me and that...
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Yeah, I guess I learned that at school, that I didn't fit in with
0:16:26 > 0:16:30them, so I should... I'd have to go find somewhere else to fit in.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Looking back,
0:16:33 > 0:16:37I think that rejection had a huge impact on my mental health.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42George wants to take me back to one of her old haunts.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46We danced together a lot in our teens and we can't help repeat
0:16:46 > 0:16:48old habits whenever we get together.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52And I do not need any excuse to dance.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Put a mirror in front of me and I'm just, like,
0:16:54 > 0:16:58"Sorry, I'm too busy looking at myself."
0:16:58 > 0:16:59And turn.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- We used to make our own dance routines up.- Yeah.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04- BOTH:- Scoop.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- Loop.- Loop.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- Scoop.- Scoop.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11THEY LAUGH
0:17:15 > 0:17:18It feels just like old times.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20But a lot has happened to both of us.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Whilst we've both grown-up queer,
0:17:22 > 0:17:25George has only recently had the courage to come out.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28And she's had her own issues to deal with.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32I started having kind of breakdowns.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Like, at the end of primary school,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36I would just cry and I didn't know why, and...
0:17:37 > 0:17:39..and then that kind of continued
0:17:39 > 0:17:42throughout secondary school, as well.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46There were, like, moments of just real distress.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50I started developing symptoms of an eating disorder
0:17:50 > 0:17:53when I was, like, 11 or 12.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57I knew you had a difficult relationship with eating.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00And then I think I then told you that I thought I was bulimic.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02I remember that conversation.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Cos, for me, kind of being confused about these feelings that I was
0:18:06 > 0:18:10having and trying to suppress them because I wasn't... I didn't know
0:18:10 > 0:18:13what to do with them and where to place them in terms of trying to
0:18:13 > 0:18:16dull it down and not act on it or...
0:18:16 > 0:18:19not even knowing how to act on it, anyway.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22It was really good to hear that stuff and part of me was like,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25"Why didn't we tell each other at the time?" But...
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Well, I wish that the first time I was questioning my sexuality,
0:18:28 > 0:18:32it had felt safe to say, "Oh, I don't know what my sexuality is.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34"Maybe I'm gay." I wish that had
0:18:34 > 0:18:37been something I could have done, you know.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42Because it wasn't. And so that's your first introduction to your
0:18:42 > 0:18:45sexuality, is that it's wrong and that you have to hide it.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50You cannot underestimate shame.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53The moment it kind of creeps into your life from a really young
0:18:53 > 0:18:56age, for LGBT people,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59the moment that you realise that you're different to everyone else,
0:18:59 > 0:19:03that just plants the seed of toxic
0:19:03 > 0:19:07pain, and it just grows and grows and grows, and then it just gets
0:19:07 > 0:19:09larger and larger as you grow older,
0:19:09 > 0:19:13and I think that has a huge impact.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19I left school ten years ago now
0:19:19 > 0:19:22and I doubt the effects will ever leave me.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26I'd hoped things had changed, but a brand-new study by Stonewall shows
0:19:26 > 0:19:29that half of all LGBT teens are bullied at school.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Today I'm meeting a young guy called Connor.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36He's just turned 15.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40He's gay and he was bullied out of his school.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- Hello.- Hello!- Come in.- Thanks.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- Hello, mate, are you all right? - Hi, Connor.- Hi, Olly.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- How are you doing?- Good, thanks.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52How did you get on at school?
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Usual. Just boring.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Near enough?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Well, school's definitely not changed that much, then.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- When did you come out?- At school.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- 13.- Right.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I feel like it's a really brave
0:20:07 > 0:20:10thing to come out as young as you did.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14How bad did the bullying get?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16At one point,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19a group of girls had spread a rumour that I'd done stuff with an older
0:20:19 > 0:20:24boy, and the boy found me the next day, grabbed me by the throat at the
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- top of a set of stairs and pushed me down them.- Wow.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Mum phoned the school,
0:20:29 > 0:20:33had a go at them, and I think the next day or something,
0:20:33 > 0:20:36she had a meeting with the headmistress and told her, I'm...
0:20:36 > 0:20:39She's taking me out of school and she isn't bringing me back.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43You feel like you're alone, you have no want to go to,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46you feel insecure about yourself,
0:20:46 > 0:20:51you feel like there is completely nothing you can do to change it and
0:20:51 > 0:20:55people targeting you for no apparent reason,
0:20:55 > 0:20:59apart from you being you, is just heartbreaking.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04At one point, I was self-harming quite badly and I do still have
0:21:04 > 0:21:07scars from it. I was quite suicidal.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I admit I did try to attempt it,
0:21:10 > 0:21:14because I didn't think I deserved to be here any more, I felt like I was
0:21:14 > 0:21:16a disgrace and I couldn't turn to anyone.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- Did you talk to your mum? - No, I didn't talk to anyone.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I pushed everyone that I was close to away from me.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I think it's really, um...
0:21:27 > 0:21:31It's so hard to talk about, you know, thoughts of suicide.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- Yeah.- Because I think it really scares people.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- It's a scary thing.- It is, yeah. - It really scares people.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39- Yeah.- And it obviously... It's so good to talk about it.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- Yeah.- It is, yeah.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Because it relieves people from stress and thinking they're,
0:21:44 > 0:21:47like, alone in feeling that way, and you can help other people get
0:21:47 > 0:21:48- out of that state...- Yeah.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51..cos you know what it's like, being in there yourself.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Connor isn't alone.
0:21:57 > 0:22:02Stonewall's study shows that two in three LGBT teens will have
0:22:02 > 0:22:06self-harmed, and one in four - including 45% of trans pupils -
0:22:06 > 0:22:08will have attempted to take their own life.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14It's so awful to think that these young people can't imagine their
0:22:14 > 0:22:16bright futures whilst in the midst of being bullied.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22I want to find out how Connor's mum Helen coped with her son being in
0:22:22 > 0:22:27- crisis.- He was very depressed, very suicidal,
0:22:27 > 0:22:29um...
0:22:29 > 0:22:30self-harming...
0:22:31 > 0:22:34How did you know that that was going on?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37He didn't tell me, he's just got very withdrawn and I didn't trust
0:22:37 > 0:22:40him being on his own. I knew something wasn't right.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46And I made...used to make him get in bed with me,
0:22:46 > 0:22:48just so I knew where he was and that
0:22:48 > 0:22:51he was safe, so I could get sleep and...
0:22:51 > 0:22:53You feel like you've failed as a parent.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56You really, really do.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58I just want to say...
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- Sorry.- No, no, don't apologise. It's...
0:23:01 > 0:23:06I just wanted to tell you that I have had a conversation with my mum
0:23:06 > 0:23:08really similar to this, and she said, like,
0:23:08 > 0:23:11really similar things, because she felt she didn't know what was going
0:23:11 > 0:23:13on with me when I was at school.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- Yeah.- And it was really hard for her, I think, as well.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- I'm sorry.- Give me a hug.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- No, I'm sorry, too.- Sorry.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- No.- I'm sorry.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Please don't apologise.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33No, you do, you feel like you've failed as a parent, because your job
0:23:33 > 0:23:37as a parent is to protect your child, and you can't protect them
0:23:37 > 0:23:39from everything because you're not there 24/7.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Of course you can't, of course you can't.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45How people cannot speak to the children just because
0:23:45 > 0:23:49they have come out as transgender, bisexual,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52lesbian, gay...so bloody what?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- They're your child. That's...- Yeah.- Sorry.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02When she was talking about Connor having thoughts of suicide,
0:24:02 > 0:24:03I can't imagine, you know...
0:24:05 > 0:24:08..someone, you know, saying that to my mum,
0:24:08 > 0:24:10even though, you know, like...
0:24:15 > 0:24:17I did have some really dark thoughts at that time...
0:24:19 > 0:24:22..and you don't know... You don't know how to deal with it.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27With his mum's support, Connor is doing so much better.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31She's found him a local LGBT youth group called Blah, where he gets to
0:24:31 > 0:24:33hang out with young people like him.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37- Hi, guys.- Hi!- Hey!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- This is Olly.- Hiya!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42I just think it goes to show, like,
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Connor was going through all this stuff, and then it took him talking
0:24:45 > 0:24:48to his mum, leaving his school, but then finding a youth group for him
0:24:48 > 0:24:50to then start feeling more on top of things.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Having youth groups and having places where
0:24:52 > 0:24:55young queer people can meet each other and share stories and, like,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58find support with each other is just so good.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02It's been so good for Connor. If I'd had an LGBT youth group,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05I feel like that would've been amazing!
0:25:08 > 0:25:09For many of us,
0:25:09 > 0:25:14our introduction to other LGBT people is through going out on the
0:25:14 > 0:25:17gay scene, which is exactly what I did when I was 19.
0:25:17 > 0:25:22I moved to East London and I started going out a lot, and it was kind of
0:25:22 > 0:25:27this awakening in some ways, because I was meeting all these people that
0:25:27 > 0:25:32I was so in awe of, they just seemed so self-possessed and colourful and
0:25:32 > 0:25:35vibrant, and they were always at these clubs,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38every weekend, and I would go every weekend and I would get to know
0:25:38 > 0:25:41everybody and I started going out, I think, too much.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Like, Thursday to Sunday to Monday every week, and now when I think
0:25:45 > 0:25:50back about it, I think for it to be really focused around
0:25:50 > 0:25:53partying, drugs and sex,
0:25:53 > 0:25:56it can really, I don't know, slip in to a really damaging...
0:25:58 > 0:26:01..cycle, and it can... I think it can really, if you're already a
0:26:01 > 0:26:04vulnerable person, it can really just trap you,
0:26:04 > 0:26:05and it's hard to find a way out.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12I'm meeting a guy called Sean -
0:26:12 > 0:26:15he's 25, he's from London
0:26:15 > 0:26:21and he is going through struggles with drug use.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Sean is fresh out of an intensive drugs programme, and I'm nervous to
0:26:25 > 0:26:29meet him as this issue feels close to home for me and many of my
0:26:29 > 0:26:30gay male friends.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36- Ah, hello! Finally get to meet you. - Yeah.- It's nice to meet you.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41I'm keen to break the ice with Sean,
0:26:41 > 0:26:45and dancing is always a good way to do it.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47# This is how we do it. #
0:26:47 > 0:26:49MUSIC: This Is How We Do It by Montell Jordan
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Yeah! Oh, no.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- Switch.- Wait, which leg is that?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Oh, yeah.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00- To the side. You really did it! - LAUGHTER
0:27:03 > 0:27:04- Travel forward.- Slide! Slide!
0:27:06 > 0:27:07Slide!
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Wahey!
0:27:14 > 0:27:19I want to ask Sean what he thinks may have led to his addiction.
0:27:19 > 0:27:25- When did you come out?- I came out officially when I was 17.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- OK.- I got forced out, really.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31My mum asked me one day, "Are you gay?"
0:27:32 > 0:27:37And it took me a good 30 minutes before answering, because it was
0:27:37 > 0:27:39kind of a big decision for me,
0:27:39 > 0:27:43so I told her the truth, it had a backlash.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- Fuck.- She told me to go to my dad's.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47So she, like, basically chucked you out?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Yeah, it was fairly hard.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53I took it very...like, rejection
0:27:53 > 0:27:55from my own mother.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58It wasn't eventually until my mum said,
0:27:58 > 0:28:02"I'm not upset that you're gay, I still love you, you're my son.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08"I'm more scared that if there is a Hell and the Bible says you're
0:28:08 > 0:28:12"going to Hell, you will be there, and if I do go to Heaven, I will be
0:28:12 > 0:28:15"there. How will I live in peace in Heaven?"
0:28:15 > 0:28:19It was hard to be by myself, I had to learn everything by myself.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22- Yeah.- It feels like, yeah, like,
0:28:22 > 0:28:26loneliness and isolation is something that a lot of queer people
0:28:26 > 0:28:28- experience.- Yeah, exactly.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31School was horrible.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33You tell someone, "A faggot?"
0:28:33 > 0:28:36That straightaway is like using the N-word,
0:28:36 > 0:28:38if I'm allowed to say that.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40It's... It's rude.
0:28:40 > 0:28:44That created a lot of friction and a lot of fights broke out,
0:28:44 > 0:28:50a lot of arguments. That's the blessing in the isolation, I guess.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54I can only say, from my experience, it pushed me into dark places.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56The whole culture of cruising...
0:28:57 > 0:28:59It felt so...
0:28:59 > 0:29:04because it was secretive and I was secretive, it went hand-in-hand.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06No-one asked my name, and then
0:29:06 > 0:29:09they didn't have to, I got what I wanted, they got what they wanted,
0:29:09 > 0:29:11we went our separate ways.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15What do you think you were looking for, like, when you went crazy?
0:29:15 > 0:29:18Acceptance. Someone to love me.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23I didn't get it much anywhere else.
0:29:23 > 0:29:29Then as soon as I hit 18, I started sex clubs and saunas, dark rooms.
0:29:29 > 0:29:33Do you feel like it went too far, like, on occasions?
0:29:33 > 0:29:36Yeah. I slipped into typical gay drugs.
0:29:36 > 0:29:40I began with MDMA and then...
0:29:41 > 0:29:43..meeting one person,
0:29:43 > 0:29:49they helped me into what the gay community called "slamming".
0:29:49 > 0:29:51Slamming is when you inject yourself,
0:29:51 > 0:29:53and I was injecting crystal meth.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57I would be around people who would
0:29:57 > 0:30:02give it to me and I would give them my body.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04Unfortunately,
0:30:04 > 0:30:09the hard lesson had to come from it, and unfortunately I was...
0:30:11 > 0:30:13..drugged and raped,
0:30:13 > 0:30:18and through that, I got given hepatitis C.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20Now, I'm still in treatment now for it.
0:30:24 > 0:30:29I fully can't remember the rape, I just remember waking up and
0:30:29 > 0:30:34crawling back home. I'll be honest, after the rape, I didn't stop.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36I craved more, I craved...
0:30:36 > 0:30:40I felt dirty, so I had to be in the dirty area.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43In my head, that darkness was my friend.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49When rejection comes at you from all these different sides, and
0:30:49 > 0:30:53you...all you want is, you're seeking connection and intimacy.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56If you even get a shred of acceptance from anybody, from
0:30:56 > 0:30:59anything, like maybe Sean got when he first went cruising or he got
0:30:59 > 0:31:02when he first went to a party, you know, like, that is all
0:31:02 > 0:31:04you have to cling to.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08So, of course, that's just going to reinforce itself.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11I know that when I was first
0:31:11 > 0:31:15sort of going out in the gay scene in East London,
0:31:15 > 0:31:17it was just a given that you would do drugs.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20You know, it went hand-in-hand with, like, partying,
0:31:20 > 0:31:23celebrating and dancing, and that's kind of, you know, the positive side
0:31:23 > 0:31:26of gay nightlife, but then it so
0:31:26 > 0:31:30easily tipped in...tips into really damaging behaviour.
0:31:33 > 0:31:37The feeling of rejection got worse for Sean when he felt he couldn't be
0:31:37 > 0:31:39accepted by either parent and was left homeless,
0:31:39 > 0:31:41sleeping rough in Soho.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Thank you.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49I was on the streets for a good two weeks.
0:31:49 > 0:31:50How did you survive?
0:31:52 > 0:31:56You do all the bad, rough things that you shouldn't really be doing.
0:31:56 > 0:31:57It was just a bad moment.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03It was the wrong way to go about things, it was the wrong way to
0:32:03 > 0:32:05find who I was.
0:32:07 > 0:32:10I feel like you didn't have a choice, like, just when you're
0:32:10 > 0:32:12saying, like, "Oh, it was the wrong way to do things,"
0:32:12 > 0:32:14just, I don't know.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17It was the lowest point of my life that I ever got to, and...
0:32:18 > 0:32:20I hope I never get back there again.
0:32:20 > 0:32:24- Yeah.- Really. Yeah.- It's hard to hear you talk about it.
0:32:24 > 0:32:25Yeah.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29Sean isn't a one-off.
0:32:29 > 0:32:33Young LGBT people are much more likely to become homeless,
0:32:33 > 0:32:37making up almost a quarter of young homeless people.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39For most of them, like Sean,
0:32:39 > 0:32:41their sexual or gender identity was
0:32:41 > 0:32:43a factor in their rejection from home.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48Hearing Sean's story has really affected me.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50I think Sean is...
0:32:50 > 0:32:53just very close to home and...
0:32:55 > 0:32:56..you know,
0:32:56 > 0:33:00not just my experience but so many people who are close to me and
0:33:00 > 0:33:04people that, you know, aren't here any more because...
0:33:05 > 0:33:09Or for whatever reason, and I just, like...
0:33:11 > 0:33:12I just think it's... Oh, my God.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15I'm not going to cry in my, like...
0:33:19 > 0:33:21..selfie, in my kitchen.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34Addiction is a form of self-harm.
0:33:34 > 0:33:38Bulimia is another, and it disproportionately affects gay men.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40These are usually coping mechanisms,
0:33:40 > 0:33:42and there's often a secrecy around them.
0:33:44 > 0:33:48With my bulimia, no-one really knew, you just can't tell.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52Today I'm in Brighton
0:33:52 > 0:33:56to meet a gay guy called Tom who is still very much in crisis.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00I'm really looking forward to meeting him, also quite nervous.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05I suppose because I've never actually spoken that much about my
0:34:05 > 0:34:07bulimia, and every time I do speak about it,
0:34:07 > 0:34:10I talk about it like it was a long time ago.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12I'm quite apprehensive of
0:34:12 > 0:34:16discussing it with somebody who's going through it.
0:34:17 > 0:34:21Tom is a 21-year-old English student at university.
0:34:21 > 0:34:25He's had to defer his final year because of his poor mental health.
0:34:27 > 0:34:28When I was about 15,
0:34:28 > 0:34:33I started turning to food to sort of cope with various things,
0:34:33 > 0:34:37and that's when I started to start bingeing and then purging
0:34:37 > 0:34:41and making myself sick, and sort of on and off, I have used that over
0:34:41 > 0:34:43the last five years,
0:34:43 > 0:34:47sometimes, like, really intensely, sometimes not so much.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49Yeah, as either a coping mechanism,
0:34:49 > 0:34:53a way of controlling my body, and then in the last few years,
0:34:53 > 0:34:55it's probably got into its most
0:34:55 > 0:34:57intense point while I've been at university.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59At his worst last year,
0:34:59 > 0:35:02Tom was bingeing and purging up to six times a day,
0:35:02 > 0:35:05putting his body under huge amounts of pressure.
0:35:05 > 0:35:09I think it's probably got a lot to do with coming into my own in terms
0:35:09 > 0:35:13of my sexuality, starting to, like, try and dip my toe into, like,
0:35:13 > 0:35:15dating guys and actually sex,
0:35:15 > 0:35:19and I think that's when the pressures of looking a certain way,
0:35:19 > 0:35:22acting a certain way, have really sort of got to me, and then
0:35:22 > 0:35:25alongside just finding university difficult.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Is there a specific
0:35:28 > 0:35:31thing that makes you feel like, that you think, "OK, now I'm...
0:35:31 > 0:35:33"This is making me feel really bad"?
0:35:33 > 0:35:36I've got myself into a pattern now where I weigh myself constantly
0:35:36 > 0:35:39throughout the day. And so that's become a very big sort of fixture,
0:35:39 > 0:35:41is trying to keep that at a certain level, so that I'm always
0:35:41 > 0:35:43comfortable with where that is.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49And so if that, for any reason, is, like, gone up or down a bit,
0:35:49 > 0:35:52then that will often sort of trigger certain behaviours.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54How do you feel about stopping?
0:35:54 > 0:35:55The idea of stopping...
0:35:55 > 0:35:57Yeah, it's an impossibility.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59I have no idea how I would go about stopping.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01I can't really picture a life where I don't do it.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Because I don't know what I'd do instead.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08It's such a difficult...
0:36:08 > 0:36:12I mean, I found it so difficult to even want to stop, and I can see
0:36:12 > 0:36:16that's something that he's grappling with now.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19Something about sharing, sharing that...
0:36:19 > 0:36:21It feels really good, it feels good, actually.
0:36:24 > 0:36:29Speaking to people who you share an experience with can be so powerful.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32Tom and I have arranged to attend an eating-disorder group together.
0:36:32 > 0:36:36I'm still dealing with my issues around eating and feel nervous about
0:36:36 > 0:36:37opening up.
0:36:37 > 0:36:41Yeah, we're going to the UK's only men-only eating disorder group and
0:36:41 > 0:36:46sit in on their session. So that's going to be really interesting.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48- Hi.- Hi.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52The session is being run by Dr Will Devlin from
0:36:52 > 0:36:54Men Get Eating Disorders Too.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57Well, welcome. Lovely to have you here.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59Tom and I are joining members Lawrence and Michael.
0:37:00 > 0:37:06I was diagnosed with bulimia last year, but I started sort of showing
0:37:06 > 0:37:08the symptoms when I was 15, 16.
0:37:08 > 0:37:11I'm 21 now and I'm still struggling with it quite a lot,
0:37:11 > 0:37:13I'd say I'm still in the throes of it.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15I don't feel like bulimia's really part of my life any more but I still
0:37:15 > 0:37:17have this
0:37:17 > 0:37:21difficult relationship with food. I feel like it's like your brain gets
0:37:21 > 0:37:24- rewired at some point along the way. - Yeah.- It sees food or thinks about
0:37:24 > 0:37:27food in a certain way and then once it's wired like that,
0:37:27 > 0:37:30it's so hard to just undo it.
0:37:30 > 0:37:33They seem to say that they all happen at 13, 14, 15, as well.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35Is there, like, a reason for that?
0:37:35 > 0:37:37Does it relate to...
0:37:37 > 0:37:41how we connect with people at that formative age, and if we don't,
0:37:41 > 0:37:43then what do you use?
0:37:43 > 0:37:48Do you go into drugs or do you go on to alcohol abuse or do you go into
0:37:48 > 0:37:52- eating disorders?- I just was so wanting people to take notice,
0:37:52 > 0:37:56in a way. If I just said, "I'm sad," people would be like, "OK, sure."
0:37:56 > 0:37:59But if I'm like, "No, I'm actually sad and ill," then they might take
0:37:59 > 0:38:00it a bit more seriously.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02I ended up going to hospital and, you know,
0:38:02 > 0:38:05I had a really irregular heartbeat and the doctor was like,
0:38:05 > 0:38:09"Are you throwing up?" You know, I kind of was...
0:38:09 > 0:38:12I kind of admitted that that was what I was doing and she was like,
0:38:12 > 0:38:14"Well, I think this is because of that."
0:38:14 > 0:38:16I felt so ashamed that, you know,
0:38:16 > 0:38:19this was what's happened and I'd drawn so much attention to myself,
0:38:19 > 0:38:21and I felt like it was really serious.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25But I still carried on, really - it took me another, like, four,
0:38:25 > 0:38:27five years to sort of stop.
0:38:27 > 0:38:31Tom, I wonder what it's like to hear the other guys, cos in some ways,
0:38:31 > 0:38:35you're at quite a different place in the journey.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37Knowing that there are people who
0:38:37 > 0:38:40are better, it's a nice reassurance.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45But it's still such an unreal concept.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48It's certainly not making me think, "Oh, I'm still in the middle of it,
0:38:48 > 0:38:51"how shit for me," it's just
0:38:51 > 0:38:54- such a foreign concept, I'm still not sure how I'm processing it.- Mmm.
0:38:56 > 0:39:01Just to hear from other people is so much more important than anyone ever
0:39:01 > 0:39:03gives it credit for.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06And there's something so important about knowing that you're not
0:39:06 > 0:39:08- the only one battling something. - Yeah.
0:39:09 > 0:39:12I can't tell you how brave I think Tom is.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15I can't imagine what it must be like to still be in the middle of that
0:39:15 > 0:39:17and be talking about it.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19I think it's an incredible thing that he's doing.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26Tom has just done something I never did -
0:39:26 > 0:39:30open up about his eating disorder while still going through it.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33Hopefully it'll help him recover and overcome the stigma.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37I've decided to take this idea of
0:39:37 > 0:39:41talking about things to a whole new level.
0:39:41 > 0:39:42So I'm in London, I'm in East London,
0:39:42 > 0:39:46and tonight we are putting on a mental-health-themed night at
0:39:46 > 0:39:49The Glory, which is a local gay bar,
0:39:49 > 0:39:52and I'm going to have performances and, yeah, I think it's going to be
0:39:52 > 0:39:54really, really fun. I'm really excited.
0:39:56 > 0:40:01I'm putting on the night with East End drag royalty Jonny Woo.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04- Hi, Jonny!- Hello, how are you?
0:40:04 > 0:40:06- Oh, my God. This is amazing! - I know, this is my honesty box.
0:40:06 > 0:40:09- Let me have a look at it.- Do you like it?- It's beautiful.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12- Did you do it yourself?- Yeah. I'm just going to set up here, then.
0:40:12 > 0:40:16I made this honesty box to allow people to post their true fears and
0:40:16 > 0:40:20anxieties. It's clear none of us are talking enough about mental health
0:40:20 > 0:40:23and I want this event to encourage people to share.
0:40:23 > 0:40:27Some will do this through performances, and I hope for others
0:40:27 > 0:40:30my box will be a start. I think, as queer people,
0:40:30 > 0:40:33once we come out, and I think there's this pressure to, sort of,
0:40:33 > 0:40:37behave like everything's fine and you're happy and proud, and it
0:40:37 > 0:40:40doesn't matter who you are, there's really a stigma around
0:40:40 > 0:40:41talking about mental health.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44It's hard for everybody, but I think there's kind of a...
0:40:46 > 0:40:51It's quite a specific issue in the queer community that I think is...
0:40:51 > 0:40:53makes it a hard thing to address.
0:40:55 > 0:40:59Owning up to there being a problem is a good step forward.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02The next step, throw some glitter at it.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04Ladies and gentlemen, it is the Olly and Jonny Show!
0:41:04 > 0:41:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:07 > 0:41:11Welcome to The Glory's Big Gay Mental Health Night...
0:41:11 > 0:41:14CHEERING
0:41:14 > 0:41:17..celebrating, investigating and getting to the bottom
0:41:17 > 0:41:19of gay mental health.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22Now to enlist some confessions and darkest fears.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25Can you come and write in my mental health box?
0:41:25 > 0:41:27I might. I mean, I've got a story and a half to tell, so...
0:41:27 > 0:41:30Put it in. Your, like, thoughts and feelings, your secrets,
0:41:30 > 0:41:32or whatever, confessions. There's, like, pens and paper
0:41:32 > 0:41:34and stuff over there.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37I'm supposed to steer clear of queer company...
0:41:37 > 0:41:41People with mental health problems, they just need a little respect.
0:41:41 > 0:41:46# One more time, let's do it again. #
0:41:57 > 0:42:00# I left my phone on, and my Grindr kept getting loads of notifications
0:42:00 > 0:42:03# And one of them was from my dad! #
0:42:03 > 0:42:05Ladies and gentlemen, give it up!
0:42:06 > 0:42:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:12 > 0:42:13Oh, my gosh! Um...
0:42:13 > 0:42:15I don't know what to say. It was...
0:42:15 > 0:42:17It was amazing.
0:42:18 > 0:42:19It was so good!
0:42:19 > 0:42:23I asked people to put their confessions in my honesty box.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28OK, this one says, "It was frigging scary, but then one day my teacher
0:42:28 > 0:42:31"pulled me aside after school and told me about their gay friend.
0:42:31 > 0:42:35"It was the first time I'd heard that you could be gay and happy.
0:42:35 > 0:42:37"My depression lifted and I came out soon after."
0:42:37 > 0:42:41That's nice. This one says, "I hate my body,
0:42:41 > 0:42:45"I do not like what I see in the mirror, and I feel I will never find
0:42:45 > 0:42:49"a partner until I look better and fit the gay stereotype,
0:42:49 > 0:42:53"and it makes me really sad and hopeless sometimes."
0:42:55 > 0:43:00"The hate of homosexuality that the world instilled in me as I was
0:43:00 > 0:43:02"growing up stays with me.
0:43:02 > 0:43:05"It is a battle that I attempt to overcome every day."
0:43:06 > 0:43:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:10 > 0:43:13It's quite shocking to read these, because you're like...
0:43:13 > 0:43:16I was there tonight, like everyone was having a good time and it's like
0:43:16 > 0:43:18you can have a good time but, you know,
0:43:18 > 0:43:21people are actually feeling these things and...
0:43:22 > 0:43:25You know, this is, like... you know... That's, like, honest.
0:43:27 > 0:43:31Nothing is going to happen unless we talk about this.
0:43:31 > 0:43:33Like, it's just not. Like...
0:43:34 > 0:43:37We can't pretend like things are going to get better if we don't
0:43:37 > 0:43:39fucking talk about it.
0:43:39 > 0:43:41Sorry.
0:43:41 > 0:43:42Like, it's just not.
0:43:44 > 0:43:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:54 > 0:43:57DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:43:59 > 0:44:02Everyone I've spoken to was either bullied at school for being LGBT or
0:44:02 > 0:44:04it was made clear that it was shameful.
0:44:05 > 0:44:09Imagine the benefits to them if that had been directly challenged.
0:44:10 > 0:44:16Today I'm at a school in Wood Green in London, and I've been asked by an
0:44:16 > 0:44:20organisation called Diversity Role Models to take part of a workshop
0:44:20 > 0:44:22that's all about LGBT issues.
0:44:22 > 0:44:27And my good friend Paris Lees is thankfully doing it with me.
0:44:27 > 0:44:30Hiya. What are you doing at the bike shed?
0:44:30 > 0:44:32Oh, you know me, just hanging around.
0:44:32 > 0:44:36How are you? I'm so nervous.
0:44:36 > 0:44:38- Me too.- It's exciting, as well, though, right?
0:44:38 > 0:44:42- Yeah, it'll be good. It does look like a nice school, actually.- Yeah.
0:44:42 > 0:44:46Gemma Curtis has been mentoring us on how to be good LGBT role
0:44:46 > 0:44:49models, and she'll be holding our hands throughout.
0:44:49 > 0:44:52How are you both feeling about telling your stories?
0:44:53 > 0:44:55- Scared.- Yeah. - HE LAUGHS
0:44:55 > 0:44:58I'm excited, but I'm really worried I'm going to cry.
0:44:58 > 0:45:00Oh, my God, don't. No.
0:45:00 > 0:45:02How many times have you done this, do you think?
0:45:02 > 0:45:06- Oh, wow, in schools? Hundreds. Hundreds and hundreds.- Really?
0:45:06 > 0:45:10I'm not going to lie - both Paris and I are petrified.
0:45:10 > 0:45:13This is the first time I've been inside a school, I think, since I
0:45:13 > 0:45:16left, and I try, like, to not think about, like, young me very much,
0:45:16 > 0:45:18- cos it makes me sad.- Yes.
0:45:18 > 0:45:21And then when you're around just, like, loads of young people,
0:45:21 > 0:45:24reminds me of when I was young.
0:45:24 > 0:45:27- Olly is going to introduce a bit of a game.- Anagram game. So,
0:45:27 > 0:45:30it's going to be some words on this side that are jumbled up, and I want
0:45:30 > 0:45:33you to rearrange them into words they actually are meant to be.
0:45:33 > 0:45:35- Lesbian.- Shout out. Lesbian?
0:45:35 > 0:45:38- CLASS:- Lesbian. Gay. Bisexual. Transgender.- Woo!
0:45:38 > 0:45:42- Very good. That was very quick. Yeah.- We're very impressed.- OK.
0:45:42 > 0:45:46What do we think might be the key issues that somebody who
0:45:46 > 0:45:49identifies as LGBT would be dealing with
0:45:49 > 0:45:52if they were in school with you guys?
0:45:52 > 0:45:53Yeah.
0:45:53 > 0:45:56- Bullying.- What kind of bullying might that be?
0:45:56 > 0:45:58"Stay away from me, I don't want to be friends with you."
0:45:58 > 0:46:01- So, rejection?- Yeah.
0:46:01 > 0:46:04They'll feel bad about themselves, like, for, like,
0:46:04 > 0:46:07- being gay or lesbian.- Low self-esteem?- Low self-esteem, yeah.
0:46:07 > 0:46:10- Would you say ostracised?- Yeah, that's a really good word, yes.
0:46:10 > 0:46:13I think, because, like, sometimes people aren't comfortable coming out
0:46:13 > 0:46:17to their parents and they...their parents might judge them, they think
0:46:17 > 0:46:22other people might be worse and, like, act differently towards them.
0:46:22 > 0:46:25- Excellent.- I don't think this board's big enough, actually.
0:46:25 > 0:46:27Let's give Olly a big round of applause.
0:46:27 > 0:46:29Thank you.
0:46:29 > 0:46:31Yeah, so, my name's Olly.
0:46:31 > 0:46:33Hello, it's very nice to meet all of you.
0:46:33 > 0:46:36I was going to tell you a little bit about my story,
0:46:36 > 0:46:38my time at school. You know,
0:46:38 > 0:46:41people would say to me that the things that I did were gay,
0:46:41 > 0:46:44or the clothes that I wore were gay. And they meant it in a negative way.
0:46:44 > 0:46:46And they told me to stop being gay.
0:46:46 > 0:46:49"Stop behaving gay." That I was a poof or a fag, you know,
0:46:49 > 0:46:52or they'd make fun of me or they'd push me around in the playground.
0:46:52 > 0:46:57And...I was really terrified that I might actually be gay.
0:46:57 > 0:46:59Like, maybe they were right,
0:46:59 > 0:47:02like the things they were saying to me might be true.
0:47:02 > 0:47:04But I didn't want to admit it, like,
0:47:04 > 0:47:05because I thought being gay was a bad thing.
0:47:05 > 0:47:09I felt ashamed. I think the words we use are so important.
0:47:09 > 0:47:11We can't forget that.
0:47:11 > 0:47:13I really hope you've got some questions,
0:47:13 > 0:47:16and you're going to write them down on a post-it note.
0:47:16 > 0:47:18Now it's time to see if we got them thinking.
0:47:24 > 0:47:28"Did you ever use the word gay in a negative way yourself, to fit in?"
0:47:28 > 0:47:31- Olly.- Erm... I think I probably did, you know?
0:47:31 > 0:47:34Yeah. The pressure to fit in is really big, isn't it?
0:47:34 > 0:47:37"Did you get help from your school, Paris?"
0:47:37 > 0:47:39No, and it's a really good question.
0:47:39 > 0:47:41More kids are being supported in schools now,
0:47:41 > 0:47:43and I think that's a really good thing.
0:47:43 > 0:47:46With the support of their school and their family,
0:47:46 > 0:47:49they are much more likely to be happy, healthy
0:47:49 > 0:47:51and not have problems.
0:47:51 > 0:47:54"How can I help my friend with coming out?"
0:47:54 > 0:47:57Supporting your friends...a friend who wants to come out is all about
0:47:57 > 0:47:59just, you know, being respectful of how they feel.
0:47:59 > 0:48:03And if you do see abuse or your friend suffering,
0:48:03 > 0:48:05you're ready to step in and help in some way,
0:48:05 > 0:48:07even if it's just being there for them.
0:48:11 > 0:48:12I wish I went to this school.
0:48:14 > 0:48:16I wish I'd gone to this school, too.
0:48:17 > 0:48:21We've done research which shows that two years, three years down the
0:48:21 > 0:48:24line, they still remember the facts of the stories of the role models
0:48:24 > 0:48:27- that came in.- Yeah.- So your stories kind of will seep in.
0:48:27 > 0:48:30- People remember stories, yeah. - Yeah, they do.
0:48:30 > 0:48:32I mean, I just keep thinking, if this had happened in my school, I
0:48:32 > 0:48:35- just... It blows my mind that it can happen in this environment.- Yeah.
0:48:35 > 0:48:37It works, too.
0:48:37 > 0:48:41On average, in all the schools Diversity Role Models have worked in
0:48:41 > 0:48:43over the last two years,
0:48:43 > 0:48:47over 40% of students said they use homophobic or transphobic language
0:48:47 > 0:48:51before the session, and only 15% would after.
0:48:51 > 0:48:55It's great what they're doing, but why should a charity be doing this?
0:48:55 > 0:48:59Shouldn't schools be addressing this anyway as part of the curriculum?
0:48:59 > 0:49:01Without a shadow of a doubt,
0:49:01 > 0:49:04it would have made such a difference if I'd had LGBT-inclusive
0:49:04 > 0:49:06sex-and-relationship education.
0:49:06 > 0:49:08It would have helped me in so many ways,
0:49:08 > 0:49:10and it would have helped other queer kids,
0:49:10 > 0:49:13but also it would have helped the kids that weren't queer,
0:49:13 > 0:49:16that were straight. Like, everybody benefits from this kind of
0:49:16 > 0:49:18sex-and-relationship education.
0:49:22 > 0:49:26I'm learning more and more the benefits of how good it feels to
0:49:26 > 0:49:29talk about stuff, and also being honest with yourself about how
0:49:29 > 0:49:33you're feeling, something I fear Sean hasn't entirely been doing.
0:49:34 > 0:49:36We were meant to meet up a couple of weeks ago,
0:49:36 > 0:49:40but he had to reschedule because he was having a lot of anxiety and
0:49:40 > 0:49:42panic attacks and things.
0:49:42 > 0:49:46So I think he's going through a really tough time at the moment.
0:49:48 > 0:49:51I'm hoping he feels he can talk to me about what's been going on.
0:49:53 > 0:49:57- How you doing?- Oh, good. - Yeah?- Good. Hanging in there.
0:49:57 > 0:50:01I am what we call in recovery, lapsing, um...
0:50:02 > 0:50:06..and I lapsed into doing drugs again.
0:50:06 > 0:50:10Um... I came home from work, it was a bad day of work,
0:50:10 > 0:50:13I just really wanted to just do nothing.
0:50:14 > 0:50:18And I got a text from someone I previously did drugs with.
0:50:18 > 0:50:21Because I was so down on myself and my self-worth,
0:50:21 > 0:50:26before I knew it the voice in my head wanting to go and do drugs...
0:50:26 > 0:50:30It made my heart really beat out of my chest.
0:50:30 > 0:50:31I was thinking...
0:50:33 > 0:50:35.."Finally I'm going to get some.
0:50:35 > 0:50:37"Finally I'm going to get what I want.
0:50:37 > 0:50:42"Finally I'm going to go back to what I felt was normal."
0:50:42 > 0:50:45It's clear Sean is still in the midst of some very tough times,
0:50:45 > 0:50:47but he seems so together.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51Putting on a brave face is something I do, too.
0:50:51 > 0:50:57- So you know when we met last time... - Yeah?- ..and talking about kind of...
0:50:58 > 0:51:01..glossing over things or making things sound like everything's
0:51:01 > 0:51:03- fine, and you were saying stuff to me like...- Yeah.
0:51:03 > 0:51:07.."I was drugged and raped and this happened and this happened but,
0:51:07 > 0:51:10"you know, it was a real positive experience and here I am now." and,
0:51:10 > 0:51:12like... It just sounded like it was so hard for you.
0:51:12 > 0:51:14And I felt like you weren't acknowledging that.
0:51:14 > 0:51:17Yeah. I don't like the memory of it...
0:51:17 > 0:51:20- Yeah.- ..but at the same time I do think about it.
0:51:20 > 0:51:22I think about it a lot.
0:51:24 > 0:51:26The moments that I talk about
0:51:26 > 0:51:29anything personal,
0:51:29 > 0:51:33I always put on a smile because I don't like anyone thinking that I'm
0:51:33 > 0:51:37- weak...- Yeah.- ..or vulnerable or...
0:51:37 > 0:51:40things that make me look like I'm damaged goods.
0:51:40 > 0:51:45And those moments, especially that moment of
0:51:45 > 0:51:47me getting raped, it was...
0:51:49 > 0:51:52I don't know what to say, it was...
0:51:54 > 0:51:57..a difficult time, because I still blame myself.
0:51:57 > 0:51:59Why? Why do you blame yourself?
0:52:01 > 0:52:04I guess it's the bad habit of beating myself up.
0:52:04 > 0:52:06- Yeah.- Trying to see what- I- did wrong.
0:52:06 > 0:52:10Instead of seeking help to try and go, "OK, you went through this,
0:52:10 > 0:52:13"let's move on from that," I really just pushed it down,
0:52:13 > 0:52:18hence why I'm always smiling and always giving this...
0:52:18 > 0:52:20"I'm fine" persona.
0:52:21 > 0:52:24I don't know, it's like some of the stuff that he was saying, like...
0:52:24 > 0:52:27Hearing it is quite hard because, you know, he was saying, like, he
0:52:27 > 0:52:31still blames himself for being raped. Like, what the fuck?! Like...
0:52:33 > 0:52:35You know, that's really... Oh!
0:52:39 > 0:52:42It's just, people shouldn't have to feel like that. God!
0:52:42 > 0:52:45Oh... HE WEEPS
0:52:46 > 0:52:48Yeah, it's just... It's horrible.
0:52:50 > 0:52:53It does really hit close to home because...
0:52:54 > 0:52:56You know, it's like...
0:52:59 > 0:53:00I feel like it's just something...
0:53:02 > 0:53:07..that me and my friends have had experience with.
0:53:07 > 0:53:10I've had friends that aren't here any more because...
0:53:10 > 0:53:13You know? And it's like...
0:53:13 > 0:53:16If one more person goes that way, it's like...
0:53:16 > 0:53:18I can't...
0:53:19 > 0:53:21Like, it's not right!
0:53:22 > 0:53:25Guys that are maybe doing too much drugs and...
0:53:26 > 0:53:29It's just scary how it can be, like,
0:53:29 > 0:53:31one step away from those people being lost to us, you know?
0:53:31 > 0:53:33I don't want that to happen to Sean!
0:53:33 > 0:53:35I really don't.
0:53:43 > 0:53:46We're losing too many gay men to drugs.
0:53:46 > 0:53:51A recent report by Imperial College claims someone dies every 12 days in
0:53:51 > 0:53:55London, just from the chemsex drug G,
0:53:55 > 0:53:58and drug use generally within the LGBT community is thought to be
0:53:58 > 0:54:01seven times higher than the general population.
0:54:02 > 0:54:04I think lots of this is down to self-worth.
0:54:08 > 0:54:12Following his lapse, I'm so pleased that Sean is seeking further help
0:54:12 > 0:54:14from the drugs programme he was on.
0:54:14 > 0:54:18Antidote is the UK's only LGBT-specific drug and alcohol
0:54:18 > 0:54:21service, and is based at London Friend.
0:54:23 > 0:54:26- All right.- All right.
0:54:28 > 0:54:31I'm just very grateful to Sean for letting me hear about his story.
0:54:33 > 0:54:35All our stories are connected, you know? And it's...
0:54:35 > 0:54:38We can all relate to that, and I...
0:54:39 > 0:54:41I still do it, you know?
0:54:41 > 0:54:43I still put on a...
0:54:43 > 0:54:46put on a smile cos... You know?
0:54:46 > 0:54:49I think being honest with ourselves about the wounds that we've been
0:54:49 > 0:54:53dealt and the scars that we have is part of the process, you know?
0:55:01 > 0:55:03Today my band, Years & Years,
0:55:03 > 0:55:06are headlining the Mighty Hoopla Festival in London.
0:55:06 > 0:55:12Mighty Hoopla is a festival, kind of organised by the Sink the Pink crew,
0:55:12 > 0:55:15who are a queer kind of collective.
0:55:15 > 0:55:17Are you ready for our next act?!
0:55:17 > 0:55:20It should be a really queer event.
0:55:20 > 0:55:22Lots of LGBT people.
0:55:23 > 0:55:27CROWD SINGS
0:55:32 > 0:55:35I don't actually know where I'm going. LAUGHTER
0:55:35 > 0:55:37I think I need to get into a car.
0:55:41 > 0:55:43When I look back at myself ten years ago,
0:55:43 > 0:55:46the main difference is now I know how to take care of my own mental
0:55:46 > 0:55:50health. Like, I have the tools available to me, so if something
0:55:50 > 0:55:53comes up, I can be like, "Pow!" You know?
0:55:53 > 0:55:55- Knock that back. - There's a little gap here.
0:55:55 > 0:55:58- Do you want me to get that? - Yeah.- Yeah? - LAUGHTER
0:55:58 > 0:56:03- Well, this is a first.- Are you wearing a jockstrap?- Yes! LAUGHTER
0:56:03 > 0:56:05- Yes, dear!- Do you like it?
0:56:05 > 0:56:10- Yes.- I had this bright idea that I would like to be
0:56:10 > 0:56:13just in my gold underwear, covered in gold glitter,
0:56:13 > 0:56:16so that's what...that's what's happening right now.
0:56:16 > 0:56:19I'm being covered in gold glitter. Just, I have these ideas and then...
0:56:19 > 0:56:21Getting stuck in.
0:56:21 > 0:56:25Everyone thought I was joking, but I wasn't.
0:56:25 > 0:56:28- How you doing, Mikey? - Yeah, I'm good. I'm good.
0:56:28 > 0:56:31- I'm just wearing normal clothes, looking normal. - LAUGHTER
0:56:31 > 0:56:34- Oh, my God!- Oh, my God! - LAUGHTER
0:56:41 > 0:56:44I think we have a real opportunity here to help
0:56:44 > 0:56:47younger generations and the ones that come after them.
0:56:47 > 0:56:51CHEERING
0:56:51 > 0:56:54If it's a choice between kids having low self-esteem, damaged,
0:56:54 > 0:56:59feeling undeserving of love, ashamed, versus
0:56:59 > 0:57:02encouragement and positivity for them to live their authentic selves
0:57:02 > 0:57:05and be who they are, we have to do
0:57:05 > 0:57:07everything we can to make sure that happens.
0:57:07 > 0:57:10- We just need to reverse. - So, what do you do? - OLLY LAUGHS
0:57:10 > 0:57:14Then it becomes unquestioned and normal that we have inclusive LGBT
0:57:14 > 0:57:17sex-and-relationship education, it becomes normal that parents know how
0:57:17 > 0:57:20to talk to their kids about their sexuality, and then we can try and
0:57:20 > 0:57:22stop what's...the suffering and pain that's happening.
0:57:26 > 0:57:30I think it is really hard not to let how you grew up,
0:57:30 > 0:57:33growing up gay in a straight world,
0:57:33 > 0:57:35affect you.
0:57:35 > 0:57:37My journey has been...
0:57:39 > 0:57:41..really trying to reconcile everything
0:57:41 > 0:57:45that happened to me growing up and, you know,
0:57:45 > 0:57:47now I do things that I never dreamed I would do.
0:57:47 > 0:57:51I've gone on stage in, you know, crazy outfits.
0:57:51 > 0:57:55I'm really out to everybody.
0:57:55 > 0:57:56And I
0:57:56 > 0:58:01get to spread a message in front of thousands of people.
0:58:01 > 0:58:03The queer community inspires me every day.
0:58:03 > 0:58:06We are a very, very diverse community, but I think one thing
0:58:06 > 0:58:11that we can have in common is the love and support for each other.
0:58:11 > 0:58:14So... CHEERING
0:58:14 > 0:58:17And one thing that I've learned recently is, like,
0:58:17 > 0:58:19how hard we all find it to talk -
0:58:19 > 0:58:21like, really, really to talk.
0:58:21 > 0:58:24You need to take some time to actually listen to somebody,
0:58:24 > 0:58:26because it can make such a difference.
0:58:26 > 0:58:30So this tent loves you, like, no matter what sexuality, gender,
0:58:30 > 0:58:33what your body looks like, what you look like, whether you're femme,
0:58:33 > 0:58:35whether you're masc, whether you're young or old.
0:58:35 > 0:58:39Like, we look out for each other! CHEERING
0:58:39 > 0:58:40OK.
0:58:42 > 0:58:47# Don't you remember how I used to like being on the line... #
0:58:48 > 0:58:51You deserve to have a happy life.
0:58:51 > 0:58:56Never think that you shouldn't have love or you shouldn't be entitled to
0:58:56 > 0:58:59a happy family or whatever you want.
0:58:59 > 0:59:00You deserve to have them.
0:59:00 > 0:59:03Young LGBT people are, like, the strongest, bravest,
0:59:03 > 0:59:05most inspiring people I know.
0:59:05 > 0:59:09# All that I compromised to feel another high
0:59:09 > 0:59:13# I've gotta keep it down tonight
0:59:13 > 0:59:19# And oh-oh-oh, I was a king under your control
0:59:22 > 0:59:28# And oh-oh-oh, I want to feel like you've let me go
0:59:28 > 0:59:30# So let me go. #
0:59:47 > 0:59:53Merci beaucoup, goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE