0:00:06 > 0:00:10'Rio Ferdinand scores for Manchester United.'
0:00:10 > 0:00:13'Britain's first £30 million player,
0:00:13 > 0:00:15'and the world's most expensive defender.'
0:00:17 > 0:00:20'All my life I've tried to set high standards in whatever I do.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22'When I was young I wanted to be a footballer.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24'I wanted to be the best footballer I could be.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27'I wanted to play in big stadiums, win trophies.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29'And then when I made it as a footballer,
0:00:29 > 0:00:32'every year I'd set new goals.'
0:00:32 > 0:00:35It was a fantastic honour to be named as England captain.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37As a kid, you grow up
0:00:37 > 0:00:39wanting to play for England and lead your country out.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43'I think it's difficult to switch that off, even in your personal life.'
0:00:44 > 0:00:47All you think about is, "What can I do to make the best life,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50"the best environment for my kids and my wife?"
0:00:50 > 0:00:52That's all I used to think.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- I, Rebecca... - I, Rebecca...
0:00:55 > 0:00:57- ..take you, Rio... - ..take you, Rio...
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- ..as my friend and love. - ..as my friend and love.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I had an unbelievable life.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07An amazing wife, great kids, and then...bang.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10The moment Rebecca was diagnosed with cancer, that all changed.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17'The wife of the former England footballer Rio Ferdinand has died
0:01:17 > 0:01:20'in hospital in London...'
0:01:20 > 0:01:24'At just 34, Rebecca Ellison has lost her life to cancer.'
0:01:25 > 0:01:27'Ferdinand said she'd been his soul mate,
0:01:27 > 0:01:30'and a wonderful mother to their three children.'
0:01:48 > 0:01:51This is one of the only things in life that we're going to go through
0:01:51 > 0:01:54together, where I haven't got the answers for them.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57And that's quite a worrying, daunting thing.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00When they don't speak, it's kind of difficult sometimes.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02You're just sitting there, going, like, "What are they thinking?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04"Where are they? Are they worried?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06"Are they happy? Are they sad?"
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I'm desperate to know, but I don't want to scare them.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13I want the best-case end scenario for my kids,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15and so the only way I see that happening
0:02:15 > 0:02:17is for me to ask questions.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20I need help. I do need help. I know that.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Morning, Tate.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Your teacher's been sending me all this stuff,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43saying how brilliant you're being at school. Mummy's so proud of you,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46and you're making me really, really happy, and get better and everything.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I'm moving to a new room today.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49I know you're going to come and see me tomorrow,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52so that means you get TWO days off school!
0:02:52 > 0:02:53I love you loads and loads and loads.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Sleep in my bed if you want.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Do whatever you want. Run the house.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Just be a good boy, and use your best, best manners, all right?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Love you, darling, see you soon. - SHE KISSES
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I think in the case of Rio and Rebecca,
0:03:15 > 0:03:20what has made this so much harder for Rio is the speed
0:03:20 > 0:03:21at which it all happened.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Because she passed away within less than ten weeks,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28there was no time to process that.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31It's more like a sudden bereavement from a terrible accident,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34and that often puts a block on being able to move on
0:03:34 > 0:03:38as fast as you might do if you've had time to prepare.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Those three months in hospital, before Rebecca passed away,
0:03:43 > 0:03:45were incredibly difficult.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I need to kind of speak to...
0:03:49 > 0:03:52somebody who I can trust, and somebody who kind of
0:03:52 > 0:03:54knows the detail around that time.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56And Professor Johnston's that man.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58And before I speak to anybody else...
0:03:59 > 0:04:02..I'd feel so much more comfortable speaking to him.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- Hi.- How you doing? Good to see you. - How are you?
0:04:10 > 0:04:15Part of the reason I wanted to see you was to ask questions like, what was it?
0:04:15 > 0:04:16It became a bit of a blur.
0:04:16 > 0:04:21So if anyone asks me now, I can't actually explain what happened.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Sure. It was a very aggressive type of breast cancer.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28And that carries higher risk of the cancer coming back.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Even despite the best treatments that we've got.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Then the cancer just took on another gear, and started to speed up
0:04:35 > 0:04:40and grow faster. And by that time, it was causing big problems
0:04:40 > 0:04:44in her liver. Which is why, towards the end,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46she became as sick as she did.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48It happened all too fast.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I just feel, almost like you're just betrayed by...
0:04:53 > 0:04:55..the diagnosis, betrayed by the...
0:04:55 > 0:04:58the illness, because you think, "Oh, it's going to come once,
0:04:58 > 0:04:59"you're not going to get it again, surely."
0:04:59 > 0:05:01You just feel, like,
0:05:01 > 0:05:04that's just... How can you have that type of luck?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Do you know what I mean?
0:05:06 > 0:05:10You just don't believe that the worst scenario can happen.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14The last time she was at home she tried to kind of talk about it.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15But...
0:05:17 > 0:05:18I...
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I just blocked it out. I wouldn't talk.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23"You'll be all right, what are you talking about?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25"Why are you talking about negative stuff like that?"
0:05:25 > 0:05:28She'd say stuff, but then I wouldn't really engage.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29I'd just close up.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Did you ever feel angry?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Yeah, you start to question loads of things.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36You're sitting in the restaurant, when it's quiet in a restaurant,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39and your little girl goes - looking at another family on a table -
0:05:39 > 0:05:41and says, "Why haven't I got a mummy?", and stuff like that.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44And you sit there and think to yourself...
0:05:53 > 0:05:54That's when I get angry.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03In time, has that...
0:06:04 > 0:06:09..frustration of being now on your own
0:06:09 > 0:06:10got a little easier?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Up until now, I kind of just...
0:06:13 > 0:06:15put it in a box and just kind of leave it over there.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Because it's painful to open the box?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Yeah. I don't like sitting in my house for days.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22You start thinking crazy things.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I think, I've always sat and read papers and stuff,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28and seen articles about people, "Oh, he's committed suicide."
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I used to think, like, "You selfish so-and-so.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34"How can you do something like that?" But...
0:06:35 > 0:06:38..there's times at the beginning where you think...
0:06:42 > 0:06:44You kind of know how they feel.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Yeah.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52But...
0:06:55 > 0:06:58When I look at my three kids, I couldn't do that to them.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Yeah.- I'm not saying I ever sat there and thought I was going
0:07:01 > 0:07:04to do it, but I sat there and thought, I understand.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07I can see how you can sink into a mad place, where you just think,
0:07:07 > 0:07:09"You know what, forget this."
0:07:09 > 0:07:11But I've been lucky.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- Because of the family and friends that you've...?- Yeah,
0:07:14 > 0:07:18I've had so much people around me, who are tight around me.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21It's a bit of... Not a relief,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24but it's a little bit like when you go to the cemetery.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26You get a bit emotional,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29but then when you leave, you're like...
0:07:29 > 0:07:32You feel a bit rejuvenated.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33So, yeah.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38And do you feel like that's been, perhaps, a long time coming?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40That sort of conversation with someone?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Yeah, but I don't think I was really ready.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44If you'd told me six months ago to at least have that conversation,
0:07:44 > 0:07:48I wasn't... I would have just said no.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51But I just felt there was coming a time where...
0:07:52 > 0:07:55..I was running away more.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58To stay away from having a conversation where you speak about Rebecca.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04SPLASHING
0:08:04 > 0:08:05- Whoa!- What was that?
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Seven!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- That was nice.- What was that?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11- Ten.- What?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Ten. You looked like a salmon.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Go on, then. What are you doing, Tate?
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Oh! That was a good one.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Ten.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- What is that?- I can't do it.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Ready? Steady?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28SPLASHING
0:08:29 > 0:08:31'This is our holiday home.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35'This is where we always kind of dreamed of, when I retire from football,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38'we'd be able to come out here for the whole school holidays
0:08:38 > 0:08:39'with the kids.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41'Rebecca kind of set it all up, really.'
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I can't rate you until you do the back dive.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48What is that?! Oh, my gosh.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Yeah, do a back dive. Show Tate how to do it, please. Show him!
0:08:51 > 0:08:54'She was the one who kind of made this house, really.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56'And I think the kids sense that a lot.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59'They know that...
0:08:59 > 0:09:02'everything in it, she kind of put most of the things here,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05'and they feel very comfortable here.'
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Tia.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Are you ready?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- Oh, my God!- You all right, Tate?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Yeah, I've been in here for ages.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Yeah, but Daddy's in now.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Don't you want to play with Daddy?
0:09:27 > 0:09:31'Everything that we'd done and dreamed about together was for this time,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33'now, when I've retired.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36'Because when I played football, I was probably out of the house...
0:09:36 > 0:09:38'probably over 50% of the time.'
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Steady... Go!
0:09:40 > 0:09:43'She had it all in her mind for when I retire.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46'Then we can spend real quality time, as a family.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50'At least the kids know that this is something that she wanted for them,
0:09:50 > 0:09:52'do you know what I mean?'
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Three, two, one...
0:09:54 > 0:09:55CHEERING
0:09:55 > 0:10:00'But it's great all my family get to come out here different parts of the time.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03'So they get to spend time with their cousins, nans and grandads.'
0:10:24 > 0:10:25I worry for him.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I worry. I've seen him cry.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I've sat and held him while we both cried at the hospital.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I saw him when she walked up the aisle and he cried.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43We were all laughing because no-one had ever seen him cry before.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45And the tears were just rolling down his face.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48He couldn't even get his words out.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53She said to me, "The only person I worry about, Mum, is you."
0:10:53 > 0:10:56She said, "Rio will be a perfect mummy and daddy.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59"You don't have to worry. You never have to worry.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01"He will be a perfect mummy and daddy."
0:11:01 > 0:11:03She said, "So don't worry about the children.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05"They'll be fine. I'm not worried about them."
0:11:05 > 0:11:07She said, "They'll be absolutely fine."
0:11:16 > 0:11:18The first...probably ten days
0:11:18 > 0:11:21was probably one of the most stressful times,
0:11:21 > 0:11:25because every turn I made I was seeing her, but getting things wrong
0:11:25 > 0:11:27and having to work it out.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Thinking about lunch. I never thought about lunch before in my life.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I'd never even seen the washing machine and dryer.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39You end up saying to yourself, "Well, I know what you do,
0:11:39 > 0:11:40"but I don't know how you work."
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Finish training, get home, sit on the sofa, have a sleep.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Get the energy back into my system.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50For work. That's how I used to think about it.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53It wasn't my domain.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Go and do your teeth. Yes, just go and do your teeth.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Breakfast, go on, then.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16'I've been very fortunate that I've had a good network around me.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20'Without someone like Sandra, who is here as a constant,
0:12:20 > 0:12:24'she's been with them since they were, like, born.'
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Right, Dad, I've got to take that story in today.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28What story? The one from holiday?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Yeah.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32'And it's definitely made the process for me a lot easier,
0:12:32 > 0:12:34'knowing that comfort's in my house.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38'With the kids. And that they're comfortable with that person.'
0:12:41 > 0:12:45I try and keep the routine as much
0:12:45 > 0:12:48as Rebecca did. The way they were for breakfast,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50polishing their shoes.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Stay still, Tia.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Yeah, it's just a case of keeping things going.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Trying to not remember Rebecca.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01But do the similar things that Rebecca always did.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05So pace-wise, who are you? If he's Ibrahimovic, who would you be?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08I'd be like Ronaldo or Neymar.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10No!
0:13:10 > 0:13:13If that's the way I can help every one of them get through it, I'll do it.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15So, yeah, I'll always be here.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17As long as he needs me, I'll be here.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Dad?
0:13:18 > 0:13:23- Hmm?- My best food in school is Yorkshire puddings.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- Yorkshire puddings? - I like the meatballs.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Ugh, I hate them.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43At this point, I just ain't into seeing a therapist.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Feelings and emotions ain't something that I'm good with
0:13:46 > 0:13:48kind of speaking about. I want to see people
0:13:48 > 0:13:50that have kind of been through this
0:13:50 > 0:13:53situation, experienced what I've experienced,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55and who can give me some knowledge first-hand.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58There might be situations where I sit there and go, "You know what?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01"I thought that was just me. Everyone's getting this."
0:14:02 > 0:14:06'In November 2012, Ben Brooks-Dutton was walking along the pavement with
0:14:06 > 0:14:10'his wife and baby son when a car ran through some traffic lights
0:14:10 > 0:14:11'and sped towards them.'
0:14:13 > 0:14:15'Ben managed to push his son Jackson's
0:14:15 > 0:14:19'pram out of its path, but it struck and killed his wife, Desreen.'
0:14:19 > 0:14:22'Two months after the accident, Ben began a blog where he wrote about
0:14:22 > 0:14:25'how he was dealing with his grief.'
0:14:25 > 0:14:27I think I needed someone that had gone through, or was
0:14:27 > 0:14:30going through the same thing as me, to say, "You know what, mate,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33"it's going to be all right. And I've raised this kid,
0:14:33 > 0:14:34"and he's doing all right."
0:14:34 > 0:14:36So I started my blog,
0:14:36 > 0:14:40the blog turned into a private group for young widowers.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Just kind of called it The Gentleman's Room, on a whim,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45but it's often referred to as Fight Club, as well,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48because the stuff that we talk about in there
0:14:48 > 0:14:50doesn't get spoken about anywhere else.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I was diagnosed with depression about two years in.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I was struggling to get out of bed.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I was struggling to be the dad that my son needed me to be.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06And then I realised that, actually, I was depressed before that,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09I was just depressed in a very
0:15:09 > 0:15:11active way. I got a lot of stuff done.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Like, I was able to run a marathon, write a book, do all of this stuff,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I was productive.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Grief gets you at some point.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30- Hey.- How you doing?- How we doing? - I'm Rio.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- Nice to meet you. David.- How you doing, mate, you all right?
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Hi, how are you?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36- I brought macaroni cheese.- Yes!
0:15:38 > 0:15:40How did yous meet, then?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42All of us, apart from Alistair,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45have been in the group for at least three years.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50My wife, Andrea, she got diagnosed five years ago on Valentine's Day.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53She had 2% chance she'd survive five years,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56and she made five years and a couple of months,
0:15:56 > 0:15:59and it's a bonus that we knew what was coming around the corner,
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- because there was... - You can prepare, right?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Yeah.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05My wife was killed the week before Christmas, 2012.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08So I dropped Jamie off at nursery,
0:16:08 > 0:16:10dropped Helen off at the train station, go to work,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13pelican crossing, two lanes. Red light goes on.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Green man goes on. The old bloke next to her says, "Ladies first."
0:16:16 > 0:16:19So she crossed the road. A guy drove straight through the red light
0:16:19 > 0:16:21and knocked her off the road.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23She hit the car, hit the floor,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26what I know now is she caved the back of her head in,
0:16:26 > 0:16:29and it destroyed her brainstem.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Went to work in the morning, killed in the afternoon.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38This is like the shittest game of Top Trumps ever, though, isn't it?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- THEY LAUGH - It's like, "How bad's your story?"
0:16:41 > 0:16:42"Well, I've done this."
0:16:42 > 0:16:44"Well, I've done that."
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I get myself sometimes going... she'll come into my head,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54and I'll just, like, try and put it in a box there.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56And try and get on with something.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59For the first week, when they went to bed, I'd go, like...
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Really used to drink quite hard, brandy, whisky et cetera.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Because I had people around the house,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08it was almost I didn't have that wake-up and have to deal with the kids on my own.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09That was a bit of a buffer.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11I could get away with it. Obviously,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14everyone goes back to their normal days, and you go, OK,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I've got responsibilities now. I've got to start...
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Put that in the cupboard somewhere, leave it alone for a bit.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I remember going to my wife's funeral
0:17:22 > 0:17:25and everyone said, "Be strong, you're doing so well,
0:17:25 > 0:17:26"you're doing so well."
0:17:26 > 0:17:29And you think... On reflection, I thought, "I'm not.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31"I'm in shock.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33"And this isn't me.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35"This is just something that's kicked in."
0:17:35 > 0:17:37And I thought, "But what if I'm weak tomorrow? Am I a failure then?"
0:17:37 > 0:17:40For me, that was the thing that troubled me.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41How are you supposed to grieve like a man,
0:17:41 > 0:17:43when you don't know even what it is to grieve?
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Archie once said to me, "I don't want to cry, because men don't cry."
0:17:47 > 0:17:50And I have definitely not held back on my emotions with him.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I don't know where he's picked that up from.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54It seems to be all right to cry at football matches,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57but you're not supposed to cry when your wife dies.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59You know, you're meant to be strong. You're meant to man up.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01And how can that be? It's, like, celebrated, really,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03if you think about Gazza...
0:18:03 > 0:18:04I hate to admit this, but sometimes,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I'll put a pair of Andrea's socks on,
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I'll light the candles, get the girlie magazines out,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13stick one of her films on and just think, "Yeah, I miss you,"
0:18:13 > 0:18:14and have a cry.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17And I've got a picture of her up, just above the fireplace,
0:18:17 > 0:18:19and I'll talk to her, and just... yeah, just lay it all out.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22When do you actually come to that point where you say, "I'm not married,"
0:18:22 > 0:18:24or you change your ring finger?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26For me, I didn't do that swapping the hands thing.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30She's passed away, and she's no longer here, I needed to move on,
0:18:30 > 0:18:34so I can use the last line in the vows, that says, "until death do us part".
0:18:34 > 0:18:35We're not married any more.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42But, I mean, I'm three, four years down the line now.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44I am in a relationship now.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Me and Anna got together a while ago now.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53But when I was saying before about having the shittest game of Top Trumps,
0:18:53 > 0:18:54we had a little girl,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57last year, and she died at Christmas.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- Oh, God.- She was in intensive care for five and a half months.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04And on the same day that Helen was killed,
0:19:04 > 0:19:07they told us she wasn't going to make it.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15One of the fellas, he lost his missus,
0:19:15 > 0:19:17then he lost his kid as well.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19I was just thinking, "I don't know how you carry on like that.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21"I just don't know."
0:19:22 > 0:19:25It just kind of brings it back to life again.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28There's a lot of my life where I know I've not moved on.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32And is it because of little things like my wedding ring?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Like, I don't see myself taking off my wedding ring.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37And then they're saying,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40that's the thing that was holding them back from moving on in life.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Do you need to do them things to kind of...
0:19:44 > 0:19:48be able to breathe properly again and...
0:19:48 > 0:19:50move on in your life?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Just normal press on this.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07So 70K.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Let's go.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Dad?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- Hold on a sec.- Dad, Dad, Dad.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Shh!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Great work, 90K.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Have you got your shin pads, and your gloves, and everything...
0:20:37 > 0:20:38and your boots ready?
0:20:38 > 0:20:42- What?- Have you got your shin pads, gloves and boots ready?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Tate, go and get your shin pads and your boots ready, please.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- I have.- No, you haven't, cos your shin pads weren't ready yesterday.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Go and get them ready.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51And brush your teeth, both of you.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- I don't want to.- Go and brush your teeth!
0:20:53 > 0:20:54- I don't want to...- Go and brush your teeth.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- I will.- All right, thank you.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01See, everything's a game. Go and brush your teeth,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04and get your shin pads and everything ready.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09- Thanks, Sandra.- You're welcome.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11See you later, Tia.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Love you. See ya.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18It's not even started.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- It has.- It starts at ten.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21I thought it was 9.45.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23No, you've got to be there for 9.45.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Yeah, to start at 9.45.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Right, you lot get out and go.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Have a good session.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Get out. Good angles. Well done, see?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Well played.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Yes, good boy, go.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Go!
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Good boy.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54When I wake up, I'm knackered.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58That's why I like going to the gym.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I am tired, man. You know what I worked out the other day?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04After meeting them guys?
0:22:04 > 0:22:08All of them guys, to me, on the face of it, just sitting there with them,
0:22:08 > 0:22:10seem like they've grieved.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I don't think I've grieved properly.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Because they all seem so, like, clear.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20They've almost clinically just gone through every single aspect,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22and just sorted it out.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24And they've got it all bang on.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27That's there, that's there, that's there.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29But...
0:22:30 > 0:22:32..I don't feel like I've done that yet.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I don't feel I'm anywhere near.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37I've not given myself that time to sit down, and really just, like...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41..flush everything out, and go through it.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I don't ever sit there and think about,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02right, how am I feeling about this whole situation? I just don't.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05I'm more interested in what I'm going to do next...work.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11I don't sit and dwell.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12And being busy helps that.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15This is me. And I've got to go to work, day in, day out.
0:23:15 > 0:23:20I prepared for probably five or six years for the day I retired.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23So I had things in place that I could walk into.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26My restaurant, my foundation, TV work.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29So I had stuff that was there, that was all prepped.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Where's Nobes?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Listen, none of us knew
0:23:39 > 0:23:42it would coincide with what happened to Rebecca.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47But it did. So I didn't need to really think too much.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49I just had to say, "This is what I want to do.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52"And I want my diary to start filling up."
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Try and get rid of the grey hairs, yeah?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Just the ones that are sticking longer.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57I'm sure they weren't there last year.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59There's more of them. More have come.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03PHONE RINGS
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Hiya, Sandra. It's Rio.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Are you all right?
0:24:08 > 0:24:12It sounds quiet. They can't be home yet.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Have they? Who have they gone with? My mum?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I'm going on air at six o'clock, so if they come back before six o'clock,
0:24:18 > 0:24:20if they can ring me, that would be good.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30First time? You're joking!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32I've been before with, like, work.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- Ibiza's mental. - A bit of respite with the kids.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Yeah. You've got to have that.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38It'll wear you out, quick!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47I feel better when I'm working.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48I feel worse if I'm not.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51That's just my kind of... defence mechanism, I dunno.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I ain't in a position right now where I feel I can sit down and just
0:24:56 > 0:24:59take stock, take a deep breath and just chill.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I don't want certain thoughts running round my head.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Having to think about 'em.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19He's 100mph.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23I think it's the only way he gets through his day.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25He can't just stop.
0:25:26 > 0:25:31And I think it's because when he stops, that's when he has to think
0:25:31 > 0:25:34about, you know, his loss, his children's loss.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35You know.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39And, for me, I think that's his way of coping.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I see him looking out the window at...
0:25:41 > 0:25:44You know, sitting in the chair,
0:25:44 > 0:25:45and just in a daydream.
0:25:47 > 0:25:53That's when I start feeling, you know, what are you thinking about?
0:25:53 > 0:25:54What's going on?
0:25:55 > 0:26:00I sometimes will send him a little text, and just ask him, is he OK?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I think he's scared to relax.
0:26:03 > 0:26:08Because if he relaxes, then all his emotions will come out.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12So, you know, he's kind of sitting strong,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15but he's got to learn to let go.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26I'm just going to jump.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Yes! One-nil. One-nil! Here we go.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Yes! 2-1.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- No, one-all!- 'When I met Dan at the widowed fathers' barbecue,
0:26:37 > 0:26:41'what stood out for me was how he coped with losing his first wife,
0:26:41 > 0:26:45'and then with his new girlfriend, they lost their baby.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50'But this guy managed to remain strong for his son Jamie, still,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52'after all that.'
0:26:52 > 0:26:53No!
0:26:55 > 0:26:58What did you go in the flowers again for?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00'There is no wrong answers.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03'We've just got to make do.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05'Move forward. You can't just stop.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08'You can't just sit and wait and watch it all go by.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12'I know first-hand now, in more than one way, how short life is.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16'Go and grab it by the balls and move forwards.'
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Keep working at being alive, sort of thing.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29All right, how are you doing? Nice to meet you.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- You too.- Come in. Good to see you again.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40Oh!
0:27:40 > 0:27:41See if you can get it.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44'Megs!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I was apprehensive to meet Jamie,
0:27:47 > 0:27:51because I thought, "This poor guy's already lost his mum."
0:27:51 > 0:27:55If it didn't work out with Dan and I then he could have lost another one.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Then, as soon as I met him, he's just...
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Oh, you just can't help but fall in love with him.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01He's amazing.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04I'm knackered. Give me five down there, please.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06- Unlucky!- Too slow!
0:28:06 > 0:28:07Too slow.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12When did you feel, or have you felt, the right time
0:28:12 > 0:28:15with actually speaking openly about his mum and stuff?
0:28:15 > 0:28:17- We talk about his mum quite a lot. - Yeah.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18He does talk about her.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21And I've always been open and honest with Jamie,
0:28:21 > 0:28:24and I've always used the difficult words like "death", "killed",
0:28:24 > 0:28:27that sort of stuff that people try and hide away from.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29So he's always had that in his life.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Not long after I started seeing Dan, oh,
0:28:31 > 0:28:34he could get you at the worst times.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36- It was usually in the car, wasn't it?- Yeah.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40When you're sat forward, and he's behind you, and you can't see him.
0:28:40 > 0:28:41And he'd ask questions.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44So there was, like, a little bit of space between him and the question.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46"My mummy's broken.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48"Do you think she's ever going to be fixed?"
0:28:48 > 0:28:51I was parked up outside the Co-op in tears, really trying not to.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Because he didn't understand.
0:28:53 > 0:28:54And I said, "No, sweetheart."
0:28:54 > 0:28:56I said, "Mummy's not coming back.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59"Mummy can't be fixed."
0:28:59 > 0:29:01"OK." And he'd carry on playing with his Lego.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04I think that's all I ever think about, is it the right time?
0:29:04 > 0:29:06Is it the right time?
0:29:06 > 0:29:07How, when, where?
0:29:07 > 0:29:13In...not doing something, not trying to change what's happening at home,
0:29:13 > 0:29:15by not doing it, is that the right thing for your kids?
0:29:15 > 0:29:19- That's the question, isn't it? - Don't overthink, just do.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22From the day it happened, up to where you are now,
0:29:22 > 0:29:24you all seem like you've all grieved,
0:29:24 > 0:29:26and I don't think I've ever really let myself do that,
0:29:26 > 0:29:28because I've just gone straight into work.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31And thrust myself into trying to be as good a dad as I can be,
0:29:31 > 0:29:33and doing my work.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36And combine that all to kind of keep the grief over there.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39If you're throwing yourself into your work so much,
0:29:39 > 0:29:43you're trying to put off the inevitable.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Which is the grieving.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48I felt a little bit like that at the beginning when Scarlett died.
0:29:48 > 0:29:49I could have gone two ways,
0:29:49 > 0:29:52either just gone straight back to work and thrown myself into that...
0:29:52 > 0:29:54but then...I just couldn't.
0:29:54 > 0:29:57I just could not... I couldn't get my mind off her.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00Even now. I mean, she only passed away at Christmas.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02So it's still quite new...
0:30:03 > 0:30:06..but I just... She consumes my mind 24/7.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Some days I'll still just sit at home and have a good cry,
0:30:09 > 0:30:13look through me photos, watch the videos.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15A good couple of hours, maybe.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17And then, "Right, OK, I need to do the washing.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20"I need to do the cleaning. I need to go and get Jay."
0:30:20 > 0:30:23But I think to focus so much on work
0:30:23 > 0:30:26is probably detrimental in the long run.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28And I worry about that for you.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30Sometimes, I look and I think...
0:30:30 > 0:30:32To look at videos and that is like...
0:30:32 > 0:30:34Because I've got a big cabinet with loads of...
0:30:34 > 0:30:38She was organised. She had loads of stuff, like documenting birthdays,
0:30:38 > 0:30:40poignant moments, and it's like...
0:30:40 > 0:30:43It's so hard. It physically hurts.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45It physically hurts your heart.
0:30:47 > 0:30:51But then, you have a few minutes, and I think, no, come on, let's have a laugh at it.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53And we look at some of the funny videos of Dad,
0:30:53 > 0:30:56like, making her dance and stuff, and...
0:30:56 > 0:31:00and it just makes me smile again. It makes me feel all warm.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03It makes me feel a little bit closer to her again.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08I feel... Sometimes I feel better for facing it.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11I feel like I can get it out of my system a bit.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35I think I'm running around loads, working, working, working,
0:31:35 > 0:31:39and I think it's a little bit of a case of kind of running away from
0:31:39 > 0:31:40confronting a lot of things.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43I've just kind of fully loaded my diary
0:31:43 > 0:31:45so that there ain't a day when I'm sitting in my house,
0:31:45 > 0:31:47when I can just lay on my bed
0:31:47 > 0:31:49and just look at the ceiling and...
0:31:50 > 0:31:52..go over loads of old stuff.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57That's why I suppose I'm running around so much,
0:31:57 > 0:31:58doing so much things.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01I don't like to sit still. I don't like to think.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21I'm going to see Darren Clarke.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Obviously, he's ten years ahead of where I am.
0:32:23 > 0:32:27So, he's got two boys who were similar in age to my kids
0:32:27 > 0:32:29when his wife passed away.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31There's a lot of parallels in what we done
0:32:31 > 0:32:34in terms of our jobs in the public eye.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37His was very public at the time.
0:32:37 > 0:32:38And just seeing him today,
0:32:38 > 0:32:42because he seems like a very happy person from the outside.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44And I'd like to know is that genuine, is that true,
0:32:44 > 0:32:47or is that just for the press?
0:32:47 > 0:32:50- 'Well done, Darren.'- 'This year's tournament will be remembered as
0:32:50 > 0:32:52'Darren Clarke's Ryder Cup.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55'And for yesterday's tears on the 16th green.
0:32:55 > 0:32:59'His wife, Heather, died from cancer just six weeks ago.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01'And his courage earned the admiration of everyone.'
0:33:03 > 0:33:06I was just thinking about, on the way over on the flight, just thinking,
0:33:06 > 0:33:09six weeks after your wife passed away,
0:33:09 > 0:33:13how do you go and play a tournament of that magnitude? It's phenomenal.
0:33:13 > 0:33:18Because three days before she passed away, she said to me,
0:33:18 > 0:33:20"I want you to play in the Ryder Cup if you get picked."
0:33:20 > 0:33:24On Heather's gravestone in Portrush it says,
0:33:24 > 0:33:26"Don't be sad for what you've lost.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28"Smile for what you had."
0:33:28 > 0:33:30- That's on her gravestone. - That's nice.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33You can only really appreciate that as time goes by.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35I guess you're still hurting, Rio.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37That's the way it is, you know.
0:33:37 > 0:33:41Do you think Rebecca's up there looking down at you
0:33:41 > 0:33:42and would want to see you suffering?
0:33:42 > 0:33:44She wouldn't.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46Because if you're not getting on with your life,
0:33:46 > 0:33:49then it's going to be even more difficult for you to help your kids get on with their lives.
0:33:49 > 0:33:55That's my biggest fear, probably. I don't want anything that could destabilise my kids.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58You've got to live your life, because if you don't live your life,
0:33:58 > 0:34:00then you're not going to be right for your kids.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02- It's a Catch-22.- Yeah, and they miss out.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04There is a life out there afterwards.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06There is. There is a life.
0:34:06 > 0:34:07I'm the example of that.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09I didn't think I would ever be this happy again.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11I honestly didn't.
0:34:11 > 0:34:12- You're a young man still.- Yeah.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15Life goes on, Rio. Life has to go on.
0:34:15 > 0:34:16You're here, she's not.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20- I don't mean that in a bad way. - No, I know.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22I totally understand exactly what you're saying.
0:34:22 > 0:34:26The best thing you can do for your kids is to let them see you smile
0:34:26 > 0:34:28now and again. But not smile because you think you've got to smile,
0:34:28 > 0:34:31- smile because you're smiling. - Genuine, yeah.
0:34:31 > 0:34:34And that will transfer to them, like you can't believe.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43He's the first person that said, like, "Listen,
0:34:43 > 0:34:44"there is a life after.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47"You do find happiness at some point," do you know what I mean?
0:34:47 > 0:34:50It's refreshing to hear that, in the way he's so adamant
0:34:50 > 0:34:54that, "Listen, you will get to a place where you're comfortable with everything."
0:34:54 > 0:34:58I think seeing Darren today has made me realise a lot more that you've
0:34:58 > 0:35:01got to start thinking about yourself a little bit as well.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03If I'm happy, then the kids are going to be happy.
0:35:03 > 0:35:07I'll be a better dad, and the house will be a better place.
0:35:07 > 0:35:08Why are you doing half a circle?
0:35:08 > 0:35:11Because when you cut it out, it will be one big circle.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Hi, Dad.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16I hope you're coming home right now.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19I hope you're having a nice flight.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21Are you on the plane yet?
0:35:21 > 0:35:23Hi, Dad.
0:35:23 > 0:35:24I did all my homework.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26And it was easy.
0:35:26 > 0:35:27I love you, bye.
0:35:34 > 0:35:39The Lost Key - "Look at me, Mum," he called.
0:35:40 > 0:35:41Good expression.
0:35:41 > 0:35:46"Kipper wanted to go and look for the key,
0:35:46 > 0:35:50"but Mum would not let him.
0:35:50 > 0:35:55"It had started to rain."
0:35:55 > 0:35:58That's the best you've read for ages!
0:35:58 > 0:36:00Good reading. Well done. Good girl.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02Come on, let's go then.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14When Rebecca passed away,
0:36:14 > 0:36:18almost immediately you're given leaflets for bereavement counselling
0:36:18 > 0:36:21and stuff, but at that moment, it's all a blur.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24The last thing you're thinking about is reaching out to speak to someone
0:36:24 > 0:36:27about what's just happened. You're more concerned about your kids,
0:36:27 > 0:36:29and what you're going to do next.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32And right now I think I'm at a point where I'm ready to kind of listen,
0:36:32 > 0:36:36and see what is out there for families that have had people pass away.
0:36:43 > 0:36:47Jigsaw South East is a charity supporting children and young people
0:36:47 > 0:36:48who have been bereaved.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51We offer a six-week family support group,
0:36:51 > 0:36:54and that's where we invite families to come and meet others in a similar
0:36:54 > 0:36:58situation to give them some creative activities,
0:36:58 > 0:37:01so that they can remember and talk about the person that's died.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Often, adults, when they sign up,
0:37:05 > 0:37:07actually think that they're coming for their children.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10But they're not, they're coming for themselves.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13And actually, when they come to our groups and access support,
0:37:13 > 0:37:16what they find is, it's sometimes the start of, you know,
0:37:16 > 0:37:18their grieving process.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21So we're able to support them with that, and more importantly,
0:37:21 > 0:37:24to help them to support their children.
0:37:30 > 0:37:34Coming to something like this, how do you actually word it to a kid?
0:37:34 > 0:37:37Because obviously I don't want to scare them by saying the word
0:37:37 > 0:37:40therapist, or therapy, or, like...
0:37:40 > 0:37:44Because I think that's a big thing with my two boys, more than anything,
0:37:44 > 0:37:47is that anything that sounds sad they don't want to do.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50The families that come to our groups
0:37:50 > 0:37:53will have been bereaved for at least six months.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56And sometimes up to five years.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59When they come to groups, it's when the family's ready.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02So for some families, it's too soon, you know, 18 months, two years,
0:38:02 > 0:38:05they're not ready, or they're not feeling resilient enough to manage
0:38:05 > 0:38:07some of the activities we're doing.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10I think, very often,
0:38:10 > 0:38:14we have an expectation that you get over grief very quickly.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17And I think all of the families that have come to our groups will say
0:38:17 > 0:38:21that isn't the case. It can take years.
0:38:21 > 0:38:22But I think, as a society,
0:38:22 > 0:38:27we have an expectation that people will...get over it.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30- And move on.- Part of me thinks, as well,
0:38:30 > 0:38:33I think they're ready, but I don't know if I am yet.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36- OK.- Yes, it's both ways.
0:38:36 > 0:38:41Yeah. It's about thinking about how you would feel coming into groups.
0:38:41 > 0:38:45And about how you would feel coming in and sharing.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48I mean, the activities are gentle, therapeutic activities,
0:38:48 > 0:38:49but it's still tough work.
0:38:49 > 0:38:54It's painful. We're asking you to remember and talk about the person
0:38:54 > 0:38:57that's died, so it might be right for your children,
0:38:57 > 0:39:00but you might not be ready to take that step yet.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02It's like, I've had this...
0:39:03 > 0:39:06This filming thing has been almost like a therapy thing for me as well.
0:39:06 > 0:39:10It feels like the kids, they haven't had that yet.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13Do you know what I mean? This is, like, almost my step one.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15I don't know if they've had their step one yet.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17They've had a little bit of...
0:39:17 > 0:39:20of therapy from a lady at the school,
0:39:20 > 0:39:22but I think my first one, he's older,
0:39:22 > 0:39:26he's a difficult one to kind of work out.
0:39:26 > 0:39:29Is he the one you worry most about?
0:39:29 > 0:39:30How it's impacted on him?
0:39:30 > 0:39:32HE SNIFFS
0:39:43 > 0:39:46I worry about all of them, but...
0:39:54 > 0:39:58But I just can't get nothing out of the two boys, especially.
0:39:58 > 0:39:59It's hard.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03I want something to help them to be able to talk, and to be able to...
0:40:05 > 0:40:06Not to give me something,
0:40:06 > 0:40:09but just so I know that they're actually all right.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11- Cos I don't know.- Mm.
0:40:12 > 0:40:16I want to find some other way where they can express themselves
0:40:16 > 0:40:18a bit more.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23Because we sit around tables like this at breakfast every morning.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28- The car journey to school, the school run every morning.- Yeah.
0:40:28 > 0:40:32Taking them to different things that they do after school.
0:40:33 > 0:40:37And people say, "Oh, you'll get... Them type of things, normally,
0:40:37 > 0:40:39"you'll find it," but I just haven't, really, yet.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42- They haven't started talking? - No. They talk about memories.
0:40:44 > 0:40:45I don't hear feelings.
0:40:45 > 0:40:49I think sometimes it's hard not to have all the answers, as well.
0:40:49 > 0:40:50And normally, their mum had the answers.
0:40:50 > 0:40:54- To the problem. Do you know what I mean?- Mm.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56There's a lot to think about, isn't there?
0:40:56 > 0:40:58There's a huge amount to think about, yeah.
0:41:04 > 0:41:08I know it's all right crying, I sit up in my bed sometimes, and I cry, I know that.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11But it's different than talking about them feelings.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13It brings on a different emotion.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16Probably, it's even more of
0:41:16 > 0:41:20a painful kind of feeling when you're doing that.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37It just feels so much smaller now.
0:41:37 > 0:41:39That's because you're bigger, man.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42Can you imagine, your mum used to shout from over there?
0:41:42 > 0:41:44- Yeah.- All the way over to here, to get you in.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46"Rio!
0:41:46 > 0:41:48"Get inside, it's dinner time."
0:41:51 > 0:41:53I lived up there, on the third floor.
0:41:53 > 0:41:55Where the bike is.
0:41:56 > 0:41:59When I come back here, I just feel like,
0:41:59 > 0:42:01there's so much wicked memories here, man.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03- INTERVIEWER:- What was your dad like growing up, Rio?
0:42:04 > 0:42:07- Well...- What do you reckon you was like?
0:42:07 > 0:42:09I was never friendly.
0:42:09 > 0:42:12My mates couldn't come to my front door and just knock the door.
0:42:12 > 0:42:15You want to come in and knock the door, say hello.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17Simple as.
0:42:17 > 0:42:21Things that happened in my life, you know, it was not...
0:42:21 > 0:42:23Nothing... For me, it was my personal thing.
0:42:23 > 0:42:26It was nothing to do with you at all, was it?
0:42:26 > 0:42:29You know, I kept it like that.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31You know...
0:42:31 > 0:42:34Even when you knew you was leaving, you kept it quiet, like,
0:42:34 > 0:42:35"I'm going for a little while.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38"I'll be back." You kept it quite matter-of-fact.
0:42:38 > 0:42:40Yeah.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42That's always been me, I guess.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44Things happen, and I have got to...
0:42:46 > 0:42:49..get used to the idea and everything before I can even talk to
0:42:49 > 0:42:51anybody about it.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53Yeah, you didn't really say much.
0:42:53 > 0:42:55- Nothing, did I?- No.- No.
0:42:55 > 0:42:58You never did. I didn't really expect anything different,
0:42:58 > 0:42:59- because you never did.- No.
0:43:01 > 0:43:03Do you think you're quite similar?
0:43:03 > 0:43:04- Yeah.- In some ways, yeah.
0:43:04 > 0:43:07- Stubborn. - Yeah, so we are the same to a point.
0:43:07 > 0:43:09And being quite, like, closed.
0:43:09 > 0:43:11- Yeah.- Emotionally.
0:43:12 > 0:43:15I think, definitely, that's a similarity.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18Like, I'm a bit of a closed book when it comes to emotions
0:43:18 > 0:43:21and to...to people.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23It wasn't until
0:43:23 > 0:43:25I kind of met Rebecca and had kids and...
0:43:27 > 0:43:30..she was saying, like, "You've got to be more affectionate, because...
0:43:32 > 0:43:36"..you've got to make your kids feel loved in every way you can."
0:43:36 > 0:43:38But then, I was like, "Well, they know I love them."
0:43:38 > 0:43:41And she was like, "Yeah, but even little things, you've got to say,
0:43:41 > 0:43:43"like, 'I love you,' to your kids."
0:43:43 > 0:43:46And that weren't something that I knew from being at home.
0:43:46 > 0:43:48That wasn't the way that it was in my house.
0:43:48 > 0:43:50So that was the way I was living.
0:43:50 > 0:43:54And so I try to do it in every way possible, that my kids,
0:43:54 > 0:43:58from time given to them, taking them to do stuff...
0:44:00 > 0:44:04..and showing them love and affection as clear as day.
0:44:15 > 0:44:18Meeting the ladies from Jigsaw, it's made me realise there are loads of
0:44:18 > 0:44:21things out there for bereaved families.
0:44:21 > 0:44:24Maybe I'm not ready yet, but a part of me thinks my kids are,
0:44:24 > 0:44:29so I'm kind of open to going and seeing what is available for my kids.
0:44:29 > 0:44:32If there's someone who's been through my situation...
0:44:32 > 0:44:34I feel I get a lot more out of it.
0:44:34 > 0:44:36And I think my children will be the same,
0:44:36 > 0:44:38seeing kids who've been through that.
0:44:41 > 0:44:47Has everybody got a football team that they support?
0:44:47 > 0:44:50Think about the first letter of that.
0:44:50 > 0:44:53And organise yourself in alphabetical order.
0:44:53 > 0:44:56Manchester, yeah?
0:44:56 > 0:44:59'I would say that children look at the adults around them,
0:44:59 > 0:45:01'and that they will mirror the existing parent's behaviour.
0:45:01 > 0:45:05'So they will look, perhaps, to a mum or dad'
0:45:05 > 0:45:06and see how they are grieving,
0:45:06 > 0:45:08and then feel that that's the way to do it.
0:45:08 > 0:45:12So that in families where people aren't expressing any emotion,
0:45:12 > 0:45:14children pick up that very quickly,
0:45:14 > 0:45:16and learn not to express the emotion themselves too.
0:45:18 > 0:45:21I feel like I've hit a bit of a brick wall in terms of communication
0:45:21 > 0:45:23with my kids. It's hard for me to really know
0:45:23 > 0:45:25where they're at with it at the moment.
0:45:25 > 0:45:27Like, I don't know
0:45:27 > 0:45:28if they're all right with it.
0:45:28 > 0:45:30A little bit like me, in some ways,
0:45:30 > 0:45:34they'd rather just compartmentalise it over here somewhere, put it there,
0:45:34 > 0:45:37and they'll get to that box when they're ready.
0:45:38 > 0:45:39But, as a parent,
0:45:39 > 0:45:43am I meant to push them a little bit to go into that box or...
0:45:43 > 0:45:45am I meant to leave them, let them just come and get that box open
0:45:45 > 0:45:47when they want to, when it suits them,
0:45:47 > 0:45:49when they feel right?
0:45:56 > 0:46:00Welcome to our YPAG one-off project tonight.
0:46:00 > 0:46:05We're here to work on the project so that you get to hear,
0:46:05 > 0:46:09directly from the young people, what helps and what doesn't help.
0:46:11 > 0:46:14A lot of parents and carers will phone up and say,
0:46:14 > 0:46:20"How do I approach my children in order to be able to get the right
0:46:20 > 0:46:25"time to be able to talk to my children about what's happened,
0:46:25 > 0:46:26"and how I can support them?"
0:46:26 > 0:46:29I think, don't worry if it's in the evening.
0:46:29 > 0:46:33Even if you're up all night, crying, it gets it out.
0:46:33 > 0:46:37And even though I did have, like, hard times, I'm glad I did,
0:46:37 > 0:46:42because now I feel so much... obviously not perfectly OK,
0:46:42 > 0:46:46cos that's never going to happen, but I'm glad I did get it all out.
0:46:46 > 0:46:47When I did. When I was so young.
0:46:47 > 0:46:50I think, don't worry too much about upsetting someone,
0:46:50 > 0:46:52because they need to talk about it,
0:46:52 > 0:46:54even if they don't want to that much.
0:46:54 > 0:46:57It needs to be got out of them.
0:46:57 > 0:46:59You have to talk about the person that's died.
0:46:59 > 0:47:03They may not, like, be here, in, like, this world.
0:47:03 > 0:47:04But they're still...
0:47:04 > 0:47:07- Part of your life.- Yeah, they're still a part of you.
0:47:07 > 0:47:09And that's not going to go away, just by, like,
0:47:09 > 0:47:11pretending they don't exist. Or they never existed.
0:47:11 > 0:47:13- Can I ask you a question, please? - Yeah.
0:47:13 > 0:47:16Is there a right or wrong way to ask?
0:47:16 > 0:47:18For me, definitely, it was time.
0:47:18 > 0:47:21Obviously, it's been seven years now for me.
0:47:21 > 0:47:26And I found that coming here, I gained confidence again,
0:47:26 > 0:47:30and in that confidence I felt I could speak honestly about what I feel.
0:47:30 > 0:47:33Now I can talk to anyone about it.
0:47:33 > 0:47:36I didn't say anything for two years.
0:47:36 > 0:47:40I just was quiet, didn't say a word, said I was fine.
0:47:40 > 0:47:41Whereas you were really emotional,
0:47:41 > 0:47:43and you cried every day for two years.
0:47:43 > 0:47:47I think it should be encouraged to let out emotions, and talk about it,
0:47:47 > 0:47:48and cry.
0:47:48 > 0:47:52We have a memory jar, which we don't really write in any more,
0:47:52 > 0:47:55but we used to write memories, and like, fold them up,
0:47:55 > 0:47:58put them in the jar, and even now, we still go through them.
0:47:58 > 0:48:01And it's a nice thing to have.
0:48:01 > 0:48:04I'm just sitting there thinking, how would my kids be in this situation?
0:48:04 > 0:48:06Bearing in mind I've not seen them open up yet.
0:48:07 > 0:48:10Would they be more comfortable doing it in there than with me?
0:48:10 > 0:48:13And as a parent, it's hard to take that a little bit.
0:48:13 > 0:48:16That your kids would rather speak to someone else.
0:48:16 > 0:48:20A lot of these kids said in there, they spoke to other people before
0:48:20 > 0:48:23speaking to their parents. And I'd rather my kids speak to me.
0:48:30 > 0:48:33This one is from 2008.
0:48:33 > 0:48:38And it's... "I remember when I helped Mummy to set up Po's surprise
0:48:38 > 0:48:43"birthday party," which was my dad's best friend.
0:48:43 > 0:48:46And I was thinking about it the other day, actually.
0:48:50 > 0:48:54"I remember when Mummy and Daddy took me to Watford to buy
0:48:54 > 0:48:58"my witch's dress for Halloween, and then we went trick or treating."
0:48:58 > 0:49:00It's just little moments.
0:49:00 > 0:49:02Yeah. Like, really simple.
0:49:02 > 0:49:04But does that take you back to there straightaway?
0:49:04 > 0:49:05Yeah. I remember the dress.
0:49:05 > 0:49:09I remember everything. I remember I got nails, fake nails for it,
0:49:09 > 0:49:12and then my mum changed her mind, and wouldn't let me wear them because I was too young.
0:49:12 > 0:49:14Like, even though...
0:49:14 > 0:49:19I would forget that, but because of that one sentence, I do remember it.
0:49:19 > 0:49:24I think now, even things like if I remembered a trip to the supermarket
0:49:24 > 0:49:26or something, I wish I'd written that down.
0:49:26 > 0:49:28The basic, simplest things.
0:49:28 > 0:49:32- Yeah.- There's nothing that's too simple or basic to write down.
0:49:32 > 0:49:34- Exactly.- Obviously,
0:49:34 > 0:49:36you're a long way ahead of where my daughter is at the moment.
0:49:36 > 0:49:40She's five years old, and you're... it's, like, 13 years on.
0:49:40 > 0:49:41- Yeah.- And it's like,
0:49:41 > 0:49:44a lot of my questions are, what's coming for Tia?
0:49:44 > 0:49:50I know as I got into my teen years, I didn't go to school for two years.
0:49:50 > 0:49:53What, you just said, "I'm not going"?
0:49:53 > 0:49:55Well, I was a really good kid,
0:49:55 > 0:49:58so I think I just faked being sick for a long time.
0:49:59 > 0:50:01And I had major anxiety anyway.
0:50:01 > 0:50:05So that just drove me to, like, never go back.
0:50:05 > 0:50:06What age was that?
0:50:06 > 0:50:11Erm... Year 10, so it must have been 14.
0:50:11 > 0:50:14Yeah, I think a lot of kids whose parents have passed away,
0:50:14 > 0:50:18or even brothers and sisters that have passed away, do suffer from
0:50:18 > 0:50:19anxiety a lot.
0:50:19 > 0:50:21But they might not know it's anxiety.
0:50:21 > 0:50:25I didn't know it was anxiety until I actually went to the charity,
0:50:25 > 0:50:26CBUK.
0:50:26 > 0:50:29Even though we're really close, the closer you are,
0:50:29 > 0:50:31I think the more problems you have as well.
0:50:31 > 0:50:34So we were having a lot of problems then, when I was,
0:50:34 > 0:50:36like, quite depressed.
0:50:36 > 0:50:40He probably was too, because it takes a toll on the whole family.
0:50:40 > 0:50:43Then I got out of it, obviously, like, I'm happy.
0:50:43 > 0:50:44You seem really, like,
0:50:44 > 0:50:48together and happy with where you are in your life now.
0:50:48 > 0:50:50- It's kind of bittersweet.- Yeah.
0:50:51 > 0:50:53You know, like, when you get to your teenage years,
0:50:53 > 0:50:55and talking to her about what, normally,
0:50:55 > 0:50:57their mum would talk to her about,
0:50:57 > 0:50:58the girlie stuff.
0:50:58 > 0:51:01How awkward, or how easy was that for you to do,
0:51:01 > 0:51:03to get into that and talk about that?
0:51:03 > 0:51:06The thing is, Annette said to me before she died, she said,
0:51:06 > 0:51:08"Make sure you talk to her about this."
0:51:08 > 0:51:10You know, she said, "I want you to talk to her about it."
0:51:12 > 0:51:15She didn't want her to be scared, or anything like that, you know.
0:51:15 > 0:51:17So I didn't talk about sex, or anything like that,
0:51:17 > 0:51:19but I spoke about her body changing.
0:51:19 > 0:51:23You know, I spoke about why it's changing, why things happen,
0:51:23 > 0:51:26not to be scared, and I went out and bought a load of...
0:51:27 > 0:51:30..sanitary towels, different ones. I didn't know what ones to get.
0:51:30 > 0:51:32I went into Boots, I was grabbing loads of them.
0:51:32 > 0:51:34"You got a starter pack, mate?"
0:51:34 > 0:51:37Yeah. This woman actually said to me, "Can I help you?"
0:51:37 > 0:51:39And I said, "I don't know." We spoke about all that.
0:51:39 > 0:51:43And I think I had that pretty well covered.
0:51:43 > 0:51:45So I think, when it did happen, she wasn't scared.
0:51:45 > 0:51:49It wasn't like she didn't know what was going on or anything like that.
0:51:49 > 0:51:52You've done a good job, huh? EMILY GIGGLES
0:51:52 > 0:51:55- You'll have to ask Emily! - I think so.
0:52:11 > 0:52:15"Oh, my gosh, it's a new purse.
0:52:15 > 0:52:17"Thank you so much, Ken!"
0:52:21 > 0:52:23There's a bit of paper for Lorenz.
0:52:23 > 0:52:25Bit of paper for Tate,
0:52:25 > 0:52:27bit of paper for Tia.
0:52:27 > 0:52:31Remember I was saying to you before about this being
0:52:31 > 0:52:34where we put memories for Mummy?
0:52:34 > 0:52:38So you can write messages, and whenever something comes into your
0:52:38 > 0:52:39mind, and you go,
0:52:39 > 0:52:42"Oh, that reminds me of Mummy, that's a funny thing."
0:52:42 > 0:52:45Like, I would say maybe that Mummy used to put funny videos on her
0:52:45 > 0:52:47phone and send them to us.
0:52:47 > 0:52:50Like when she was, like...when she was on the bed and she was, like...
0:52:50 > 0:52:52Yeah, jumping around.
0:52:52 > 0:52:56Any time you want, you can go in there, take out a bit of paper, say,
0:52:56 > 0:52:58"I wonder what's on that one?" And it might give you a nice memory.
0:52:58 > 0:53:02- I'm drawing you and Mummy. - Me and Mummy?- Yes.
0:53:02 > 0:53:04And then you're holding hands.
0:53:06 > 0:53:08Say what you first said to her.
0:53:08 > 0:53:10- My chat-up line?- No!
0:53:10 > 0:53:12I said to her... What did I say?
0:53:12 > 0:53:15I said, "Write your number down then, please."
0:53:15 > 0:53:17And she went, "Pardon?"
0:53:17 > 0:53:19I said, "Go and write your number down."
0:53:19 > 0:53:21And she went, "No, it's all right, thanks."
0:53:21 > 0:53:23And that was it. That was the chat-up line.
0:53:26 > 0:53:29I love my wife. More than anything.
0:53:29 > 0:53:32Me and Rebecca, we had an unbelievable relationship.
0:53:33 > 0:53:36And her personality, she was always messing about,
0:53:36 > 0:53:40laughing at herself, which was a massive part of her personality.
0:53:41 > 0:53:42I love doing this.
0:53:42 > 0:53:45- Do you?- I'm going to start doing this every day.
0:53:49 > 0:53:54You know, this is special for me, to watch him be such a fantastic dad.
0:53:55 > 0:53:59I think it's been a long time coming,
0:53:59 > 0:54:02and I think he's in a better place,
0:54:02 > 0:54:05that he is able to sit and just enjoy
0:54:05 > 0:54:08wonderful memories about Rebecca.
0:54:13 > 0:54:16Lorenz is a bit like Rio.
0:54:16 > 0:54:20They're both quiet, and they don't have very much to say,
0:54:20 > 0:54:23but when they do, it's really lovely.
0:54:24 > 0:54:26Who was her favourite artist?
0:54:26 > 0:54:28She loved Mary J Blige.
0:54:28 > 0:54:31The last person she really loved was Ed Sheeran.
0:54:31 > 0:54:33Thinking Out Loud, it was.
0:54:33 > 0:54:35THEY HUM ALONG
0:54:35 > 0:54:38- No, it isn't!- Yeah, it was.
0:54:38 > 0:54:40Thinking Out Loud.
0:54:40 > 0:54:44Write that song, Lorenz, otherwise you'll forget.
0:54:44 > 0:54:45Memories of Mummy.
0:54:45 > 0:54:47"I love it when Mummy did big hugs.
0:54:47 > 0:54:50"I loved it when she watched the funny films with me."
0:54:51 > 0:54:52Put yours in.
0:54:53 > 0:54:55Good girl. Put Lorenz's one in.
0:54:58 > 0:55:02Even just doing that there, I've got so much out of it.
0:55:02 > 0:55:04It's a way of getting them to speak out a bit more,
0:55:04 > 0:55:09because...even just there, Lorenz was talking about his mum's favourite artist.
0:55:09 > 0:55:12Lorenz don't talk. So to see him talking about that,
0:55:12 > 0:55:14it's just little things that
0:55:14 > 0:55:17I haven't been able to get out of him just through normal conversation.
0:55:17 > 0:55:19So it's been really good in that sense.
0:55:19 > 0:55:22It's just little snippets of their memories.
0:55:22 > 0:55:24Do you know what I mean? Of their mum.
0:55:28 > 0:55:32- Let's have a look. - It's got way much writing on it.
0:55:32 > 0:55:34This one looks very pretty.
0:55:34 > 0:55:38"To Mummy. I wish you came alive, from Tia."
0:55:38 > 0:55:42What you should write there is, "Mummy's favourite colour was green."
0:55:42 > 0:55:43Cos that's why she's got a green dress.
0:55:43 > 0:55:46- Cos otherwise, you might forget. - I'll write it...
0:55:46 > 0:55:47With the green, yeah.
0:55:47 > 0:55:49Because otherwise you might forget.
0:55:51 > 0:55:54Any little memory, it'll be worth it writing down, so you don't forget.
0:56:01 > 0:56:05When I first ever met you I was really, really sceptical against therapy.
0:56:07 > 0:56:11But having met all these great people with great advice and experiences
0:56:11 > 0:56:14that they've shared with me, luckily, along the way...
0:56:14 > 0:56:18it's took me to a place where I'm willing to sit down with a therapist
0:56:18 > 0:56:21and just have that first initial contact.
0:56:21 > 0:56:24And there's a lot more of a clearer picture about going forward, I think.
0:56:24 > 0:56:28Inside, I'm starting to just open up a little bit, I think,
0:56:28 > 0:56:30breathe a little bit.
0:56:30 > 0:56:34I feel myself opening my mind to thinking about little moments that
0:56:34 > 0:56:36we had together. Which is something
0:56:36 > 0:56:39I weren't capable of really doing before.
0:56:41 > 0:56:44And I just feel I'm equipped far better now than I was when
0:56:44 > 0:56:48I started this. I can sit here, honestly, and comfortably
0:56:48 > 0:56:51say that she'll be looking down now and saying,
0:56:51 > 0:56:55"Well done." It's been 100% worthwhile.
0:56:57 > 0:56:59# And you
0:57:01 > 0:57:03# You see it all
0:57:05 > 0:57:07# I have no place to hide
0:57:09 > 0:57:11# Or worries to give
0:57:14 > 0:57:18# And I am sitting over here
0:57:18 > 0:57:20# Looking for the answers
0:57:22 > 0:57:24# Working it out
0:57:26 > 0:57:28# One day at a time
0:57:31 > 0:57:35# And I am sitting over here
0:57:35 > 0:57:37# Looking for the answers
0:57:39 > 0:57:45# Working it out One day at a time. #