0:00:03 > 0:00:07This is the image of the new father,
0:00:07 > 0:00:08used by the advertising industry in the '90s
0:00:08 > 0:00:11to sell the modern family lifestyle.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14It reflects a major shift in men's attitude towards
0:00:14 > 0:00:18their children in the last 50 years, and a sea change in the kind of dad
0:00:18 > 0:00:20they aspire to be.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24The physical and emotional intimacy
0:00:24 > 0:00:28between father and child has never been more intense.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Suddenly you're in there right in the middle with
0:00:31 > 0:00:35someone that you just love to bits.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39We just had a huge amount of fun together - this little, this little
0:00:39 > 0:00:43person who was just evolving before my eyes.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47And I was with her sort of all day long, every day.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Never had expectations
0:00:51 > 0:00:55of the good father been so high, but at the same time, never had dads
0:00:55 > 0:01:00felt so vulnerable, so powerless and so excluded from family life.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06As divorce spiralled, the legal system marginalised fathers,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09making it difficult for them to stay close to their children.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13They became lost in a labyrinth of bureaucracy and court orders.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Some took to the streets, bewildered by changes that seemed to be
0:01:17 > 0:01:19making them redundant.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21What sort of person
0:01:21 > 0:01:25is going to say, "Actually you know what, we don't need fathers"?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28What sort of person is going to say,
0:01:28 > 0:01:30"Well, we're going to put you through eight years,
0:01:30 > 0:01:32"or ten years of going through the family justice system"?
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Two parents are better than one, surely to God that's what we
0:01:36 > 0:01:40believe in as a country, surely that's what's best for children.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46But when families split up, it was still the mother rather than
0:01:46 > 0:01:49the father who was assumed to be the natural and best parent.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Fatherhood is not really looked upon
0:01:52 > 0:01:56with the same sort of strength as motherhood.
0:01:56 > 0:02:01This weird concept that somehow mothers are closer to their children,
0:02:01 > 0:02:05it's something that I think has become a self-fulfilling prophecy,
0:02:05 > 0:02:09where we've said it so often that we not only believe it, we now enact it
0:02:09 > 0:02:12and we now have a society where it's the norm.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19In almost every home in Britain, the relationship between the modern
0:02:19 > 0:02:22father and his children was being redefined.
0:02:22 > 0:02:2850 years of sexual liberation and feminism had changed the rules.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31The hands-on modern dad was very different to the traditional
0:02:31 > 0:02:37father figure of the past. He was more intimate, yet more insecure.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41This is the story of the difficult birth of the new father.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49This is how it used to be.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- Keep your eyes shut. - I am darling, tight shut.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58In the '50s dream of married life, the husband had a clear role
0:02:58 > 0:03:02- as provider and protector in his new home.- Now open them.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- Oh, is this ours?- Like it?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Oh, put me down, I want to look.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09But this dream of suburban family life
0:03:09 > 0:03:13had far less appeal to the young generation of the '60s.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Oh, darling, it's heavenly.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I can't believe it's all true.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Some who'd grown up in solidly middle class homes
0:03:24 > 0:03:29saw suburbia as a trap and wanted to break free from all convention
0:03:29 > 0:03:32to discover who they really were.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37One of them was public school boy Rashid.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42I always felt very clearly the ridiculousness
0:03:42 > 0:03:48of the moral code by which we lived. It was stultifying, it was rigid.
0:03:48 > 0:03:54I perceived myself at the age of 20 as a stuffed shirt.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I didn't...
0:03:56 > 0:04:02I couldn't say or think anything that hadn't been put into me by
0:04:02 > 0:04:06school, my parents, my family, you know that I...
0:04:06 > 0:04:10I felt myself as an automaton in some way.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14The young men who would become the next generation of fathers
0:04:14 > 0:04:17were embracing the values of the '60s sexual revolution,
0:04:17 > 0:04:21with its explosion of hedonistic music and fashion.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25First to go were the taboos on sex before marriage, once regarded
0:04:25 > 0:04:29as essential in encouraging couples to marry and stay together for life.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33I ended up jumping into bed with the first woman who would have me,
0:04:33 > 0:04:37really, who was herself
0:04:37 > 0:04:40a product of that same society.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45So already you know it's a totally unsustainable relationship.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53To begin with, the sexual freedom was liberating.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57It was made possible by the invention and widespread use
0:04:57 > 0:04:59of the contraceptive pill.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02But there were still many unplanned pregnancies.
0:05:02 > 0:05:07Young rebels like Rashid soon became young husbands and fathers.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11For a while, actually, it was wonderful, maximum sexual temptation
0:05:11 > 0:05:14with maximum opportunity to
0:05:14 > 0:05:17express it.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Very soon she got pregnant and I was very excited cos I've always
0:05:21 > 0:05:26loved kids, I've always, always been able to relate easily to kids.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31The swinging sixties is a decade that's become legendary
0:05:31 > 0:05:33for its sexual daring and extra-marital affairs.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Of course there was nothing new
0:05:36 > 0:05:39about adultery, but the permissive atmosphere encouraged young people
0:05:39 > 0:05:43to take a more open and honest attitude to sexual adventures.
0:05:43 > 0:05:48When the secret came out, however, the feelings of anger, jealousy and
0:05:48 > 0:05:52rejection that were unleashed could destroy any relationship.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Would you come inside now, please.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58What was once a lifetime commitment was ending in divorce
0:05:58 > 0:06:02and the trickle of divorce cases became a flood after the 1969
0:06:02 > 0:06:07Divorce Reform Act made it much easier for a couple to split up.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10And marriage according to the law of
0:06:10 > 0:06:14this country is the union of one man with one woman.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16But the new divorce laws
0:06:16 > 0:06:21also helped turn the marriage break-up into a battleground.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25One glamorous '60s marriage which ended in a bitter divorce battle
0:06:25 > 0:06:28was that of playwright Terence Frisby.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31She went to see a divorce lawyer.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33I said, "Don't go, we don't want a lawyer, let's just try and sort
0:06:33 > 0:06:37"this out between us. You've been unfaithful, I've been unfaithful.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42"What's it matter, the lives we've been living,
0:06:42 > 0:06:44"what big surprise is that?"
0:06:44 > 0:06:51And she sort of concurred with that, but, this man, I'm pretty sure now in
0:06:51 > 0:06:55retrospect he fancied her and he was determined to get her into
0:06:55 > 0:06:59bed if he could, and he made sure that no reconciliation occurred.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Terence was one of the '60s fathers who discovered how the
0:07:05 > 0:07:08new divorce laws put men in a vulnerable position when it came
0:07:08 > 0:07:10to access to their children.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15He had to fight hard to see his young son, Dominic.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19I turned up at my mother-in-law's house and knocked on the door
0:07:19 > 0:07:21to see Dominic.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23And no-one was at home.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27And I just stood on the doorstep on this summer's afternoon,
0:07:27 > 0:07:31I thought I was going to see my son for the first time for months
0:07:31 > 0:07:36and, then afterwards an apology was made, "Oh, she wasn't well, sorry."
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Well, if she wasn't well, where was she?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40She wasn't at home,
0:07:40 > 0:07:46and so even then every little trick and nuance was used
0:07:46 > 0:07:51to try and twist the knife and I can remember well, I can remember
0:07:51 > 0:07:56the pain of it, of course I can, but I remember the rage I felt about it.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I thought it was disgusting that the courts
0:07:58 > 0:08:01should even let it happen and my own lawyers just shrugged and said,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03"Oh, well, that's what the courts do."
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Meanwhile, the big influx of fathers
0:08:07 > 0:08:10who came to Britain as economic migrants from New Commonwealth
0:08:10 > 0:08:14countries like India and Pakistan, also felt the pain of separation
0:08:14 > 0:08:18from their children but for very different reasons.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23Laeeq Khan arrived in Bradford from Pakistan in 1967.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25His aim was to work hard
0:08:25 > 0:08:29to help create a new and better life for the family he'd left behind.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32It was a very big decision, I didn't want to do that,
0:08:32 > 0:08:37because that would mean leaving Farhat and two boys.
0:08:37 > 0:08:42But I had to take it because I was so ashamed of my earnings
0:08:42 > 0:08:48in Pakistan, not to be able to afford what they want and, in future,
0:08:48 > 0:08:52what they will expect from me.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Laeeq was a proud breadwinner whose mission, like many other
0:08:56 > 0:09:00post-war immigrants, was to provide for his wife and children.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04By saving hard, he hoped one day to be able to afford to bring them over
0:09:04 > 0:09:08to Britain so they could all live together again.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Though this meant he had to live
0:09:10 > 0:09:13apart from his wife, Farhat, and his children for years,
0:09:13 > 0:09:17there was no question about his loyalty and devotion.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21There was no way that I could send them a lot of money which
0:09:21 > 0:09:23I didn't have, so the only
0:09:23 > 0:09:29thing which I thought I should do is to keep writing to Farhat,
0:09:29 > 0:09:35and, so that she at least have link with me every day,
0:09:35 > 0:09:37or almost every day.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39So I wrote...
0:09:39 > 0:09:45Before I used to go to sleep, I always had a letter
0:09:45 > 0:09:47beside me,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49in the envelope.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Stamped, so that when I get up in the morning, on my way
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I'd post that letter to Farhat.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03But a very different dream was capturing the imagination
0:10:03 > 0:10:06of the sex, drugs and rock'n'roll generation in Britain.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07This was the hippy ideal
0:10:07 > 0:10:11of escaping the rat race and living a more simple life on the land.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Amongst the men inspired by this dream was Rashid.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17He split up with his first wife
0:10:17 > 0:10:22and, in 1970, moved to Wales with his new family.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26I've always felt myself as a country person and so we just
0:10:26 > 0:10:31decided, Nicky and I, to go and leave London, buy a little farm.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Suddenly we were in this totally new life, we had to learn everything
0:10:35 > 0:10:39and it was wonderful being
0:10:39 > 0:10:44close to nature, growing our own food, shepherding our own sheep,
0:10:44 > 0:10:49taking care of them, lambing time, and in amongst that,
0:10:49 > 0:10:53having our own second son. Joseph was born upstairs
0:10:53 > 0:10:54in the bedroom with this
0:10:54 > 0:10:59wonderful view that overlooked the mountains of Wales,
0:10:59 > 0:11:02the Brecon Beacons, the Black Mountains,
0:11:02 > 0:11:03all the way up to Shropshire.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Beautiful, beautiful place we lived in, we were in paradise.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Paradise for Terence Frisby
0:11:10 > 0:11:14was simply being able to see his son, Dominic.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18His legal battle with his ex-wife to get access to him continued.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21This made the time they were able to spend together
0:11:21 > 0:11:23all the more precious.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27One of the best things that happened when he was a kid was swimming.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I took him swimming twice a week.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33That was when I got to see him, twice a week when he was five or something.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38And then I taught him to swim at a very young age and he really,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41he embraced the water as only kids can.
0:11:41 > 0:11:46But these joyful moments were always cut short by painful handovers
0:11:46 > 0:11:50that, for Terence, still evoke images of the Cold War.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Coming and picking him up was ghastly and taking him back was worse.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59And I used to call it the Berlin Wall handover.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02You remember in those days, in the Cold War, the spies and things
0:12:02 > 0:12:05that were handed over at Checkpoint Charlie or somewhere in Berlin?
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Anyway, I always called it the Berlin Wall handover and I used to turn up.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Sometimes Dominic would be running up and down outside the house,
0:12:12 > 0:12:15when he was a bit older, with his swimming togs under his arm,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18waiting and so on. And coming round the corner...
0:12:18 > 0:12:23And you see it gets me even now, seeing him there was quite a sight.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31The fathers who'd left their families
0:12:31 > 0:12:35in New Commonwealth countries to make a new home for them in Britain,
0:12:35 > 0:12:39knew the agony of being apart from their loved ones all too well.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40In 1974,
0:12:40 > 0:12:45after seven years of separation, Laeeq Khan's wife and three children
0:12:45 > 0:12:49set out from their home town in Pakistan to join him in Bradford.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Their extraordinary journey and reunion were filmed by Panorama.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01Waiting for them to arrive at Heathrow Airport was Laeeq.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04The prohibitive cost of long distance air travel had meant that
0:13:04 > 0:13:08he had not been able to afford to visit his wife and children.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Now they were about to be reunited forever.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I went to Heathrow airport.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18And she...
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Here she comes with the children
0:13:22 > 0:13:27and they're very, very nice children,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29very, very nice.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30They came running...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34..and...
0:13:34 > 0:13:36cling to me.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40And...
0:13:40 > 0:13:43they were very excited.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47And I was very excited when I saw Farhat and the children.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53I had to hold my emotions.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57I wanted to kiss her, but I couldn't.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01But she, she knew that I loved her
0:14:01 > 0:14:05and the boys came round to me and I hugged them.
0:14:05 > 0:14:10Laeeq's Muslim cultural background forbade any public display of
0:14:10 > 0:14:12the deep emotions he felt.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15He couldn't wait to take his family back to Bradford to
0:14:15 > 0:14:18the new home he'd bought for them.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Then I brought them home.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23I was very proud...
0:14:23 > 0:14:27to bring them in my house.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35They waited seven years
0:14:37 > 0:14:39..and I was very proud to be Dad then.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Laeeq trained to be a television engineer so he could earn good money
0:14:46 > 0:14:49and provide for the needs of his family in a way that had
0:14:49 > 0:14:51been impossible in Pakistan.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54He embodied the best values of the traditional father.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01The boys were waiting eagerly for me to come home,
0:15:01 > 0:15:08and when I opened the door they were behind the door.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12THEY SHOUT EXCITEDLY
0:15:15 > 0:15:20You know, and they, they all round me,
0:15:20 > 0:15:26and they loved me, you know, as if there is nothing...
0:15:26 > 0:15:28..nobody is more important in their life...
0:15:30 > 0:15:32..then their dad.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38However, some British families were giving up on traditional notions
0:15:38 > 0:15:40of dad altogether.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43In an extraordinary piece of reverse migration,
0:15:43 > 0:15:46they rejected the materialistic world of the west
0:15:46 > 0:15:49and travelled east looking for spiritual and sexual enlightenment.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54In 1977, Rashid and his family gave up their small farm to start afresh
0:15:54 > 0:15:56in an ashram in Poona.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00They joined the Orange People becoming disciples of the Indian
0:16:00 > 0:16:06mystic Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh who christened them all with new names.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10This is where Rashid, formerly called Patrick, got his new name.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13For me, a lot
0:16:13 > 0:16:16of that time in Poona
0:16:16 > 0:16:23was to do with letting go of a lot of our conditionings to do with mine.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27So we didn't have any possessions, we didn't want any possessions,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29we didn't need it. OK, I've got a record player.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Bhagwan's followers tried
0:16:31 > 0:16:35to free their minds from all ideas of western convention.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Open and loving relationships
0:16:36 > 0:16:39were regarded as the key to enlightenment.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43But they soon found it wasn't that easy.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48In a sense I was sort of letting go of my wife, my son,
0:16:48 > 0:16:55and, by that reverse logic I was in a way expecting that...
0:16:57 > 0:17:01..I could be with my girlfriend, with a girlfriend,
0:17:01 > 0:17:06with my son there, and it wasn't
0:17:06 > 0:17:12a big issue for him that she wasn't my mummy.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14In fact, it didn't work like that.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22But I didn't really recognise clearly
0:17:22 > 0:17:25how deep the old thing is, you know.
0:17:25 > 0:17:31that this is my wife and my son and my mother.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34How deep these are or even,
0:17:34 > 0:17:39that they are hardwired into us and that we'll always have that.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44The emotional importance of family ties proved stronger
0:17:44 > 0:17:46than Rashid had imagined.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Although he remained a loyal disciple of Bhagwan,
0:17:49 > 0:17:52his wife soon left him and returned to England with the children.
0:17:54 > 0:18:00At some level, I always felt that the relationship
0:18:00 > 0:18:06with Nicky was ongoing, that we were still together although
0:18:06 > 0:18:09we had to go different ways to do it.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16And, yeah, I lived celibately for...
0:18:16 > 0:18:20..really until I got a dear John letter from her
0:18:20 > 0:18:24saying, actually, she's now with Johnny and...
0:18:28 > 0:18:32..it's all, it's all over between us.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36And for me that was painful, it was very painful.
0:18:37 > 0:18:44But yet living in that commune, which is incredibly emotionally supportive,
0:18:44 > 0:18:46I was sort of OK.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I went through my stuff.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Rashid's personal quest would result in a painful
0:18:51 > 0:18:55separation from his children that would last for many years.
0:18:55 > 0:19:00However for Terence Frisby, the separation from his son Dominic was
0:19:00 > 0:19:04so devastating, in 1974 he helped set up the group Families Need
0:19:04 > 0:19:09Fathers, which campaigned for equal parenting rights in divorce cases.
0:19:10 > 0:19:15He and Dominic, seen here playing in the back garden, were featured
0:19:15 > 0:19:18in this BBC Open Door programme.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Families Need Fathers is concerned with equal parenting.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Every year an increasing number of marriages collapse.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30The chances of you being in a divorce as either parent
0:19:30 > 0:19:32or child is now nearly 2 to 1 on.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34It's a sobering thought, isn't it?
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Suddenly we had an epidemic of men deprived of their children
0:19:38 > 0:19:42because of divorce and I don't think that has ever happened before.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Divorce before the '60s was very much a middle
0:19:46 > 0:19:48and upper middle class affair, wasn't it?
0:19:48 > 0:19:51And chaps were much more buttoned up then, and the boys might have
0:19:51 > 0:19:53gone to public schools anyway.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56But suddenly, there was a whole generation of men
0:19:56 > 0:19:59who were being deprived of their children, and for the first time
0:19:59 > 0:20:03we heard this murmur coming up from underneath somewhere, that,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06it's not fair, which it wasn't.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Sorry to say something so banal, but there you are.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15And, I think Families Need Fathers gave a voice to that, very much so,
0:20:15 > 0:20:21and I heard so many stories in their walk-in talk-ins of ghastlinesses.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24It was very good that people could come and hear it was happening
0:20:24 > 0:20:27to other people because, as always in these things,
0:20:27 > 0:20:30it's like Alcoholics Anonymous and all of that, isn't it?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32it's jolly good to find that you're
0:20:32 > 0:20:36not alone in the world in this thing and you're, you're not some madman.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41In the 1970s and '80s, the influence of feminism put further pressure on
0:20:41 > 0:20:44the traditional family based on marriage for life
0:20:44 > 0:20:48in which the mother stayed at home and the father went out to work.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51It was hugely influential in persuading the younger generation
0:20:51 > 0:20:53that housework was demeaning
0:20:53 > 0:20:57and there should be a more equal relationship between men and women.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Women now wanted a career as well as a family, just like their husbands.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10The ideals of feminism were embraced by many men too, who
0:21:10 > 0:21:13believed that becoming more involved in bringing up their children would
0:21:13 > 0:21:15also enrich their lives.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Nevertheless, the new responsibilities that
0:21:18 > 0:21:22they knew they would have to take on made some young men more uncertain
0:21:22 > 0:21:24about becoming a father.
0:21:25 > 0:21:30Charlie Rice became a dad in 1975, when he was 24.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34Julia kept on saying, she wanted to become a mum, she wanted to,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37and I just all the time thought, oh, no, I'm too young
0:21:37 > 0:21:38for this, I'm still a kid myself.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Anyway, she came home one day, said I've been to the doctor,
0:21:41 > 0:21:45the doctor said I'm pregnant. My first thought was where can I run to?
0:21:45 > 0:21:49It was, I really thought, no way can I do this, I am not old
0:21:49 > 0:21:52enough to look after myself properly, let alone look after another child.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Can I have one more push for the rest of the baby.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59The new fathers of the seventies were encouraged to be present
0:21:59 > 0:22:02at the birth of their baby as a way of bonding them together
0:22:02 > 0:22:07from the very beginning. For Charlie it was a life changing moment.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10The making of me really,
0:22:10 > 0:22:13was to see the birth of my daughter, it really was. It changed me
0:22:13 > 0:22:17and I know people talk about bonding and all this kind of stuff.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I suddenly grew up, I did.
0:22:19 > 0:22:25To see this vulnerable little being coming out, her little head and then
0:22:25 > 0:22:28slowly and slowly and then her body just slithered out.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32It changed me completely.
0:22:32 > 0:22:38There was this being who was just so needy of me, she did, she needed me,
0:22:38 > 0:22:43and I knew that I was there to give and provide and nurture
0:22:43 > 0:22:45for this baby.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Charlie took to being a new father with great passion.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52It was more difficult than he ever imagined, but worth it.
0:22:52 > 0:22:58I was busy, sterilising bottles, washing nappies, feeding, because
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Bronnie went onto the bottle when she was three months old
0:23:02 > 0:23:06because her mum went off to a women's conference up in Manchester for
0:23:06 > 0:23:13International Women's Day and so I had her for the weekend, completely,
0:23:13 > 0:23:16you know, dependent upon me.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19With more women resisting the role of full-time housewives,
0:23:19 > 0:23:23'70s and '80s fathers became more involved in housework
0:23:23 > 0:23:25and childcare than ever before.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Dads from all social classes began
0:23:28 > 0:23:31to play a more important role in looking after their children.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38The life partner that women were
0:23:38 > 0:23:40looking for was no longer necessarily the man with
0:23:40 > 0:23:44good career prospects that their father would want them to marry.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47The old stereotypes were breaking down.
0:23:47 > 0:23:52Linda Shanson chose Balou, a blind Indian sitar player
0:23:52 > 0:23:55and street musician she met in 1982.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00When I was in Paris I fell madly in love
0:24:00 > 0:24:02with Balou,
0:24:02 > 0:24:07and I'd only known him a month and I was completely besotted with him,
0:24:07 > 0:24:11and I thought that my father would be equally besotted with him
0:24:11 > 0:24:13and the idea that we were going to get married.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17And so, I brought Balou to London
0:24:17 > 0:24:21to meet him and the list of attributes that my father
0:24:21 > 0:24:28would have wanted for his daughter, I sort of crossed them all out. So, A,
0:24:28 > 0:24:32my would-be husband wasn't Jewish.
0:24:32 > 0:24:40B, my would-be husband wasn't white, C, my would-be husband wasn't rich
0:24:40 > 0:24:44and D, my would-be husband was completely blind.
0:24:44 > 0:24:50And to me this was something to celebrate, but my poor father
0:24:50 > 0:24:51was in a state of shock really.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57By the eighties, some of the stereotypical ideas of masculinity
0:24:57 > 0:25:00were fast becoming the stuff of parody.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02But some of the old ideas
0:25:02 > 0:25:06of what it meant to be a real man remained deeply embedded.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11One of them was virility and to be able to father your own children.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16So to discover you were infertile could still undermine any man.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Walter and Olivia Merricks desperately wanted a baby.
0:25:20 > 0:25:25After all tests on Olivia and then tests on me,
0:25:25 > 0:25:29it was discovered that I'm infertile.
0:25:29 > 0:25:34Of course, being told that something that you expected to be able to do,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37as a man, and that you
0:25:37 > 0:25:40now just can't do,
0:25:40 > 0:25:48is, there's a heavy sense of something that you're gonna
0:25:48 > 0:25:50have to grieve about.
0:25:51 > 0:25:59It's like a bereavement, something really that's part of you has died
0:25:59 > 0:26:03and, I guess I felt like that.
0:26:03 > 0:26:08However, the grief turned to joy when his son was born.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10He was the first of two children
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Walter and his wife had using donor insemination.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Though Walter wasn't the birth father, the love he felt for his
0:26:18 > 0:26:20children couldn't have been greater.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24The first thing that happens, you know,
0:26:24 > 0:26:26people come round, look at the baby,
0:26:27 > 0:26:29"Doesn't he look like you?"
0:26:31 > 0:26:35And that's what people say when they look at babies.
0:26:39 > 0:26:45Actually people we'd told still went on about this sort of thing.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47They knew perfectly well it could not
0:26:47 > 0:26:49look like me, and I sort of had to joke about it.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54I loved being a dad, I loved it,
0:26:54 > 0:26:57you don't have time to mope or think about any of these other things.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01You're taken over by the, by just
0:27:01 > 0:27:06the natural human love for a baby.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12And I was good with babies, I still am good with babies.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Yet in '80s Britain there were still men who embraced
0:27:16 > 0:27:18the centuries old values of fatherhood,
0:27:18 > 0:27:21none more so than the coal miner.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24He was the male breadwinner who for generations had risked his life
0:27:24 > 0:27:26to feed and clothe his family.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30It was a heroic role still taken seriously by the miners here
0:27:30 > 0:27:32in Mardy Deep Pit in South Wales.
0:27:32 > 0:27:39But even here the men also aspired to be a new kind of hands-on father.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Brynn Davies was dedicated to looking after his four children,
0:27:42 > 0:27:46two of his own and two from his wife's first marriage.
0:27:46 > 0:27:51And I've seen the two of the boys here getting born and labour,
0:27:51 > 0:27:56she had a bit of a bad time on one of them and, when you hear her
0:27:56 > 0:27:59and you see her like that it's emotional,
0:27:59 > 0:28:01to see the baby come out then.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03And, what they all say is it,
0:28:03 > 0:28:08all babies are beautiful. God, I didn't think that at all!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10God, they was ugly,
0:28:10 > 0:28:12with all the muck and stuff like
0:28:12 > 0:28:17that around them, but yeah they was, to put the baby in your arms then is,
0:28:17 > 0:28:19God, it's life.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21You think you can fly, I think.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25is you feel so light on your feet and so, God, so proud.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28When they was a couple of months older, it was a bit difficult to
0:28:28 > 0:28:32get into first as they're so small you're afraid you're gonna drop them.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36But yeah, I fed them
0:28:36 > 0:28:39and took them to bed, got up in the mornings to them when they cried,
0:28:39 > 0:28:41done my little bit with that.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Getting up then, you're getting up six o'clock, 5.30 for work,
0:28:50 > 0:28:53God, you're head is in the shed.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56But yeah, that's something that you've gotta do for them.
0:28:59 > 0:29:04But the traditional working class family was changing fast,
0:29:04 > 0:29:07a change closely tied to the decline of the manufacturing industries that
0:29:07 > 0:29:10had supported the male breadwinner.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15In place of the old nuclear family came the rise
0:29:15 > 0:29:17of the single parent family.
0:29:17 > 0:29:21There were over a million of them, some headed by lone fathers.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24This new reality was often ignored or frowned upon.
0:29:27 > 0:29:31When Charlie Rice's wife, Julia, died, he became a single parent
0:29:31 > 0:29:36bringing up his daughter, Bronnie, and his adopted daughter, Ellie.
0:29:36 > 0:29:41Bronnie had an accident. She had to have some surgery on her ankle.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44This was immediately after Julia had died.
0:29:44 > 0:29:49There was I with the consultant in a little hospital room,
0:29:49 > 0:29:52so there was him, my daughter and me.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55And he was doing some plastic surgery on her ankle.
0:29:55 > 0:29:59She had short hair, but she had earrings in either side,
0:29:59 > 0:30:01she was wearing a track suit cos that was much
0:30:01 > 0:30:05more practical given the fact that she had a big bandage on her ankle.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07He said to her, you can go home and tell
0:30:07 > 0:30:11your mum what a brave boy you are.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13How could he, how could he?
0:30:13 > 0:30:21How could that person do that, act so ignorantly to that poor child,
0:30:21 > 0:30:22who'd just been brave?
0:30:22 > 0:30:29He didn't know whether she was a boy or a girl, and I did not exist.
0:30:29 > 0:30:33How could he do it and her mother had just died?
0:30:33 > 0:30:37I said to him very calmly, just what I said to you.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39Her mum died three weeks ago.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43I said in future you only deal with the adult and the
0:30:43 > 0:30:46child that you have in front of you.
0:30:46 > 0:30:50The new families displayed a refreshing openness and honesty.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53There were to be no family secrets, however painful,
0:30:53 > 0:30:54for Walter Merricks.
0:30:56 > 0:30:59Gradually, when they were really quite young, we told them,
0:30:59 > 0:31:01how they were conceived.
0:31:01 > 0:31:05It's really only when they get to about seven or eight that
0:31:05 > 0:31:10they begin to, they can begin to put
0:31:10 > 0:31:14this information in some kind of context and begin to say,
0:31:14 > 0:31:19ah, so does that mean that...? Oh, I see yes, yeah, yeah.
0:31:21 > 0:31:26But by that time the knowledge has been part of their life
0:31:26 > 0:31:29and part of what they, what they know
0:31:29 > 0:31:32and, if you ask my kids now,
0:31:32 > 0:31:37when they were first told, they just can't remember.
0:31:37 > 0:31:41It has just been always part of their life, there was never a moment when
0:31:41 > 0:31:46we sat down with them as it were and there was some kind of bolt from the
0:31:46 > 0:31:50blue to say, we've got something, some awful news to tell you.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56The rise of the gay liberation movement from the seventies onwards
0:31:56 > 0:32:00continued to question conventional ideas about men and women,
0:32:00 > 0:32:03just as the feminist movement had done before it.
0:32:03 > 0:32:07The idea of a gay man being a father still aroused much suspicion
0:32:07 > 0:32:11and hostility, made even greater by the new homophobia that arose from
0:32:11 > 0:32:14the AIDS crisis in the eighties.
0:32:14 > 0:32:18One of those who became aware of the true nature of his sexuality at this
0:32:18 > 0:32:21time was single parent Charlie Rice.
0:32:21 > 0:32:26He came out, but was careful to only reveal his gay identity
0:32:26 > 0:32:29to his close friends and family.
0:32:29 > 0:32:33One of the fears I've had about being a gay dad was that people would take
0:32:33 > 0:32:39my children from me, because I was gay, purely for that reason.
0:32:39 > 0:32:43And so I always made it a big thing that I was not going to
0:32:43 > 0:32:45be out there that much.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48They knew that I was gay
0:32:48 > 0:32:51and their friends would know I was gay if they wanted them to know.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53They used it as a cache when
0:32:53 > 0:32:56they were at secondary school. They did, they loved it.
0:32:56 > 0:33:02But I was never overly demonstrative sexually in front of them, because
0:33:02 > 0:33:04it wasn't quite right it didn't seem.
0:33:04 > 0:33:08But one night I was with this other chap and I was having a snog
0:33:08 > 0:33:13on the front doorstep and Ellie came home with her boyfriend and I
0:33:13 > 0:33:17just fell through the door laughing in the end because it's not something
0:33:17 > 0:33:19I wanted to happen at all, at all.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23Under the Thatcher government of the '80s,
0:33:23 > 0:33:25the industrial landscape of Britain
0:33:25 > 0:33:27was transformed out of all recognition.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Traditional industries like coal,
0:33:29 > 0:33:32steel and shipbuilding were decimated
0:33:32 > 0:33:36and whole working class communities vanished in just a few years.
0:33:36 > 0:33:42The proud working class father now faced mass unemployment.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45The most symbolic defeat of all was that of the miners.
0:33:45 > 0:33:50In 1985, the men of Mardy Pit in the Rhondda returned to work after
0:33:50 > 0:33:53holding out for 12 months on strike.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56One of them was Brynn Davies.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59I think going back a lot of people said they was proud to walk
0:33:59 > 0:34:01back to work.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04I didn't think I was proud to walk back to work because
0:34:04 > 0:34:06we was defeated without a doubt.
0:34:06 > 0:34:10A lot of people said, no we wasn't defeated. We was.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12We'd lost the strike and we knew,
0:34:12 > 0:34:17it wouldn't be so long the pits would go, the unions would be smashed,
0:34:17 > 0:34:19and which it was.
0:34:19 > 0:34:23Five years after the end of the miner's strike it was announced
0:34:23 > 0:34:26that Mardy Deep Pit was to close.
0:34:26 > 0:34:31For Brynn, filmed here in 1990, the future looked very uncertain.
0:34:31 > 0:34:35- Is it beginning to sink in now? - Yeah, especially you can't get a job,
0:34:35 > 0:34:38I don't think I've got the stick in the house all day or walk the streets
0:34:38 > 0:34:42or something like that. I think I'll have to get work somewhere.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45Can you imagine your wife being the breadwinner?
0:34:45 > 0:34:47No, I don't think I'd like that, no.
0:34:51 > 0:34:56For Brynn and miners at Mardy, there were jobs to be had but
0:34:56 > 0:34:58they were low paid and short term,
0:34:58 > 0:35:00not the kind of thing to support a family on.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04I always remember coming up the last day in the pit,
0:35:04 > 0:35:06a lot of the boys were just talking,
0:35:06 > 0:35:09what are we gonna do and what d'you think we're gonna do?
0:35:15 > 0:35:17I got to,
0:35:17 > 0:35:21into the baths then, getting ready to strip off
0:35:22 > 0:35:25and, I think I just can remember just putting my head
0:35:25 > 0:35:27in my hands and thinking,
0:35:29 > 0:35:31what's now, what's next?
0:35:31 > 0:35:35You're thinking, you've got nothing,
0:35:35 > 0:35:38and I think it just drains you,
0:35:38 > 0:35:43to think that you're not gonna get up tomorrow and work and,
0:35:43 > 0:35:46what you're gonna do is...
0:35:46 > 0:35:49Like, I'm the man who's supposed to be bringing the money in
0:35:49 > 0:35:51and that's what I should be doing.
0:36:03 > 0:36:08In the Welsh valleys and in mining communities all over Britain,
0:36:08 > 0:36:11a centuries old way of life that revolved around the male breadwinner
0:36:11 > 0:36:13was facing extinction.
0:36:13 > 0:36:15It was the end of an era.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23Brynn and his wife became joint managers of a local bar.
0:36:23 > 0:36:27The work meant he was still helping to provide for his children
0:36:27 > 0:36:29but in a different way.
0:36:29 > 0:36:33The first couple of weeks broke my heart.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36It's something I've never done before
0:36:36 > 0:36:41and thinking have I done the right thing, have I done the wrong thing?
0:36:41 > 0:36:45And it took me I think really about three months really to get into it.
0:36:45 > 0:36:49I was used to drinking the beer, not serving it, and, to see some of my
0:36:49 > 0:36:53friends on that side and I'd be pulling pints for those and...
0:36:54 > 0:36:57..it was a different ball game, yeah.
0:36:58 > 0:37:03But despite all the social changes, traditional family ties could still
0:37:03 > 0:37:05exert huge emotional power.
0:37:05 > 0:37:09Linda Shanson overcame her father's objections to marry Balou,
0:37:09 > 0:37:13and like many mixed marriages, it turned out very well.
0:37:13 > 0:37:17They have two grown up children and both Linda and Balou became
0:37:17 > 0:37:20successful musicians in their own right.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24As she grew older, Linda wanted to re-build
0:37:24 > 0:37:28the relationship with her father and one of her most precious memories
0:37:28 > 0:37:31is singing to him on his death bed.
0:37:31 > 0:37:36I chose a song that my mother used to sing and I sang it because
0:37:36 > 0:37:41if I sing it in a certain style I sound like my mother.
0:37:41 > 0:37:46And I sang this song and I hadn't sung it for years and
0:37:46 > 0:37:52I sang it to him and suddenly his face lit up and he lifted himself off
0:37:52 > 0:37:56the bed as though with a look of recognition in his face, as though,
0:37:56 > 0:38:00my mother was there.
0:38:00 > 0:38:06# Down Yehuda Street in Tel Aviv
0:38:06 > 0:38:11# In a wonderful morning in May
0:38:11 > 0:38:16# It is heaven on Earth you'll agree
0:38:16 > 0:38:22# Only a Yiddishe maidlach to see
0:38:22 > 0:38:27# Da, da, dada, da, da dada
0:38:27 > 0:38:30# Da da dada, da da dada... #
0:38:30 > 0:38:35I think of him with me all the time actually, and whenever I perform,
0:38:35 > 0:38:38because he always had very strong opinions, you know.
0:38:38 > 0:38:42You must have a clear beginning and a clear middle and a clear end to your
0:38:42 > 0:38:48performance, and he always had his ideas of how to do things.
0:38:48 > 0:38:55And now when I sing, in public, on the stage, I think that he's
0:38:55 > 0:39:01there and I have to give it my all for him or he'll be criticising me.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06The relationships formed between the new generation of fathers
0:39:06 > 0:39:10and their children as they grew older were much more open and equal.
0:39:10 > 0:39:11Some fathers and daughters
0:39:11 > 0:39:15were becoming like best friends, sharing their social life together.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18In the 1990s, gay father Charlie Rice enjoyed
0:39:18 > 0:39:24introducing his grown-up daughters to a new world he was discovering.
0:39:24 > 0:39:29After they'd sort of both left home I suppose I had my second adolescence,
0:39:29 > 0:39:33really. I did go a bit wild and I used to go to Ibiza a lot.
0:39:33 > 0:39:37And anyway I'd book this holiday to Ibiza and Bronnie'd just come
0:39:37 > 0:39:40back from the States having gone over there to see if she was going to live
0:39:40 > 0:39:43there. and things didn't quite work out so she was feeling a bit blue.
0:39:43 > 0:39:47So I took her with me to Ibiza, bit the wrong thing to do actually,
0:39:47 > 0:39:51cos she cornered into my bit of world again and, she just loved it.
0:39:51 > 0:39:56I took her clubbing and so on. It was a changing point for her.
0:39:56 > 0:40:01I led her into what was safe to say a youthful culture because I was living
0:40:01 > 0:40:05my life again, because it is a huge responsibility having children,
0:40:05 > 0:40:09whether you're single or whether two parent family or whatever.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12And I think I didn't really have a proper adolescence when I was in
0:40:12 > 0:40:16my teens. And then maybe being a dad but slightly younger I had
0:40:16 > 0:40:20my adolescence when I was older and I had a great time and they joined in
0:40:20 > 0:40:23and we still, and we always have partied together, we always have.
0:40:26 > 0:40:30By the 1990s, the new father had become an everyday phenomenon.
0:40:30 > 0:40:34No longer the macho man of the past, he was more home based, he spent
0:40:34 > 0:40:38quality time with his children, and he began to appear as an
0:40:38 > 0:40:42affectionate comic character in adverts like this one.
0:40:46 > 0:40:51Dan Gardiner was emblematic of this ideal of the new father.
0:40:51 > 0:40:52He was happy to put his career
0:40:52 > 0:40:55as a structural engineer on hold to become the full-time carer of
0:40:55 > 0:41:00his young children whilst his wife pursued her career as a barrister.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06For Dan it was important to forge a deep and lasting
0:41:06 > 0:41:08bond with his children.
0:41:10 > 0:41:15I decided this is a good opportunity for me to spend time with the kids
0:41:15 > 0:41:19while Carrie established herself professionally in
0:41:19 > 0:41:23a set of chambers in Bristol. And it seemed like really good timing
0:41:23 > 0:41:25for both of those, I could shoulder
0:41:25 > 0:41:30the lion's share of looking after the household and looking after the
0:41:30 > 0:41:34kids and looking after an ill child while she established herself.
0:41:34 > 0:41:39Dan's son suffered from a rare form of immune deficiency.
0:41:41 > 0:41:45At least once he came quite close to death,
0:41:45 > 0:41:47you know, he sort of flat lined.
0:41:47 > 0:41:49We were told by the, by the...
0:41:49 > 0:41:54doctors that he'd had sort of temporary organ failure.
0:41:54 > 0:41:59I'm not quite sure how that works but, he'd been very, very ill.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02And I think it made him very insecure.
0:42:02 > 0:42:06He would struggle to get to sleep, he really would struggle to get to
0:42:06 > 0:42:10sleep and he would wake up in the middle of the night a lot sort of
0:42:10 > 0:42:13with, congested and coughing and whatever and I would go and,
0:42:13 > 0:42:16go and lie in his bed with him. And the way he would
0:42:16 > 0:42:18get to sleep would be,
0:42:18 > 0:42:24me lying on my back and him lying on my chest, we'd be chest to chest.
0:42:24 > 0:42:28And that would reassure him and he would go off to sleep.
0:42:28 > 0:42:31But if I tried to move even an inch,
0:42:31 > 0:42:34or just slightly, slowly try to offload him so that I could go
0:42:34 > 0:42:38and get my own sleep he would wake up and he would panic and he would,
0:42:38 > 0:42:43he would get very upset and I think he ruined my sleep, basically.
0:42:43 > 0:42:46My sleep pattern's never, never recovered after that.
0:42:46 > 0:42:48Hands up.
0:42:48 > 0:42:51The new father of the '90s was proving that
0:42:51 > 0:42:56he could be very successful as the principal carer of young children
0:42:56 > 0:42:59but traditional attitudes that mothers were always best meant
0:42:59 > 0:43:02there was an institutional bias against fathers taking on this role.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04In 1995,
0:43:04 > 0:43:08Paul Lawrence became the proud father of his first child, Kareem.
0:43:08 > 0:43:11He was a devoted dad but after he and his
0:43:11 > 0:43:15partner split up Paul found himself powerless to get the kind of contact
0:43:15 > 0:43:18time with his son that he wanted.
0:43:18 > 0:43:23What was peculiar for me was that the entire system
0:43:23 > 0:43:29didn't seem to support the concept and perhaps even myself that a man
0:43:29 > 0:43:30could just parent his child.
0:43:30 > 0:43:33So I did what I thought was the right thing, just you know
0:43:33 > 0:43:38did everything to make sure that she could, you know, look after my son.
0:43:38 > 0:43:44Eventually after a few battles, we had to go to court for access.
0:43:44 > 0:43:45When I went to court, I looked at the
0:43:45 > 0:43:50judge and I realised that I couldn't win, cos I actually applied for full
0:43:50 > 0:43:54custody of my son, I realised I couldn't win because for her,
0:43:54 > 0:43:59first of all, it was a stretch for her to imagine that a man
0:43:59 > 0:44:01would want custody of his child.
0:44:01 > 0:44:04That was the first stretch and, without being racist in the least,
0:44:04 > 0:44:09I suspect a 6 foot 3 black man with a beard just didn't fill her picture
0:44:09 > 0:44:11of what a father looked like
0:44:11 > 0:44:17and our society is more comfortable thinking of children with women.
0:44:17 > 0:44:21After a protracted legal battle, Paul was granted an access order
0:44:21 > 0:44:24that allowed him to see his son every other weekend.
0:44:24 > 0:44:28But the order was sometimes broken by Paul's ex-partner
0:44:28 > 0:44:31and he soon discovered there was little he could do about it.
0:44:33 > 0:44:34You feel angry.
0:44:34 > 0:44:37I felt angry because I was thinking to myself,
0:44:37 > 0:44:40well, hold on a second, I've fulfilled my requirements.
0:44:40 > 0:44:45You know, we had gone to court, the court said that I should have my son.
0:44:45 > 0:44:50All you have to do is bring him to the door at 7 o'clock on a Friday,
0:44:50 > 0:44:52and you choose not to do that.
0:44:52 > 0:44:56You choose not to do that because you know there's nothing I can do.
0:44:56 > 0:45:00Monday morning I will write to a solicitor, ring a solicitor, but
0:45:00 > 0:45:02in reality there's nothing I can do.
0:45:05 > 0:45:08Dan Gardiner's life was also turned upside down
0:45:08 > 0:45:11after his wife had an affair.
0:45:11 > 0:45:14The divorce that followed was part of a new trend
0:45:14 > 0:45:17in which women initiated more marriage break-ups than men.
0:45:17 > 0:45:21Even though Dan was the children's main carer, suddenly his position
0:45:21 > 0:45:23in the family seemed under threat.
0:45:25 > 0:45:29In spite of having done the kind of egalitarian sort of equal
0:45:29 > 0:45:33roles within the partnership and, and family thing, when everything
0:45:33 > 0:45:37was in such turmoil emotionally with me I, I kind of reverted to type.
0:45:37 > 0:45:43I kind of not reverted to type, I reverted to the traditional role,
0:45:43 > 0:45:47the man's traditional role, that somehow the mother
0:45:47 > 0:45:53has a right to the family home in a way that the man doesn't.
0:45:58 > 0:46:01Although he moved out of the family home,
0:46:01 > 0:46:05the risk of losing his children soon focused Dan's mind.
0:46:07 > 0:46:10It was non-negotiable for me that,
0:46:10 > 0:46:14that we should have equal sharing in the lives of our kids.
0:46:14 > 0:46:21Carrie's initial assumption was that she would of course get the kids,
0:46:21 > 0:46:23which I resisted right from the outset.
0:46:23 > 0:46:27I was, I was possibly a bit cruel, actually.
0:46:27 > 0:46:30When she suggested that, my instant reaction was,
0:46:30 > 0:46:33well actually I've been looking after the kids, I think any court
0:46:33 > 0:46:35would let me have the kids.
0:46:35 > 0:46:36And I think that spooked her.
0:46:36 > 0:46:38So that brought her round
0:46:38 > 0:46:43very quickly to the idea of having 50/50 care arrangement.
0:46:45 > 0:46:47A new generation of fathers
0:46:47 > 0:46:52whose marriages split up were now demanding shared parenting rights.
0:46:52 > 0:46:55This was rarely achieved because the courts preferred
0:46:55 > 0:47:00the children to live with one of the parents, usually the mother.
0:47:00 > 0:47:03The change from hands-on father with a day-to-day caring role,
0:47:03 > 0:47:07to weekend dad, was hugely painful.
0:47:10 > 0:47:14Matt O'Connor was a loving dad with two young sons.
0:47:14 > 0:47:18When his marriage broke up he saw how the legal system turned partners
0:47:18 > 0:47:22against each other, aggravating every grievance and denying him
0:47:22 > 0:47:26his role as a loving father.
0:47:26 > 0:47:29I went from seeing my children every day,
0:47:29 > 0:47:34to seeing them in a contact centre, for what a judge described
0:47:34 > 0:47:36as a cooling off period.
0:47:36 > 0:47:41Which was profoundly distressing, not just for me, I think for the kids,
0:47:41 > 0:47:45because you're at home one minute and you're sitting in front of
0:47:45 > 0:47:49the TV and you're, you're watching bloody Jar Jar Binks and Star Wars.
0:47:49 > 0:47:53And the next minute you're in this cold,
0:47:53 > 0:47:58inhospitable landscape of Formica chairs that are broken and toys that
0:47:58 > 0:48:03are broken, being watched by sort of three people sitting at a table.
0:48:03 > 0:48:07And a welfare officer came up to me when I was with the kids, who
0:48:07 > 0:48:11I hadn't seen for a period of time, and he started asking me questions in
0:48:11 > 0:48:14front of the children. I was like, I've not seen my children.
0:48:16 > 0:48:17Yeah.
0:48:29 > 0:48:32So you struggle,
0:48:32 > 0:48:34to get by.
0:48:36 > 0:48:39Matt abandoned the court system and came to a friendly arrangement
0:48:39 > 0:48:43with his ex-wife so he could have regular access to his children.
0:48:45 > 0:48:49Then in 2001, Matt formed Fathers 4 Justice
0:48:49 > 0:48:52to bring the plight of fathers like himself into the public eye.
0:48:52 > 0:48:54They soon made the headlines
0:48:54 > 0:48:57with dramatic protests in which divorced dads
0:48:57 > 0:49:02dressed up as comic book superheroes and scaled famous public buildings.
0:49:05 > 0:49:08Guys, put your super suits on, right,
0:49:08 > 0:49:13down a fancy dress shop, get a ladder, go, and that was it.
0:49:13 > 0:49:17It's when people say why do you do these things, why do you subsequently
0:49:17 > 0:49:22go off and start a campaign? I went off and started a campaign because
0:49:22 > 0:49:25the law wasn't being enforced, the court orders weren't being enforced,
0:49:25 > 0:49:30the law is farcical and grotesque and abusive to all the participants who
0:49:30 > 0:49:35go into the system, including the mums, but most of all children.
0:49:35 > 0:49:38Divorced fathers clung to the smallest rituals that
0:49:38 > 0:49:39bonded them with their children.
0:49:39 > 0:49:43For Paul Lawrence it was the weekend visit to the barber's shop,
0:49:43 > 0:49:48where his son's haircut took on added emotional significance.
0:49:51 > 0:49:53As my son grew up,
0:49:53 > 0:49:56you know, one of the things certainly every dad likes to have
0:49:56 > 0:49:59is the little Saturday, certainly if you're a black guy,
0:49:59 > 0:50:02go down the barber shop, everybody's talking stories,
0:50:02 > 0:50:05not really telling the truth, but it's a father son thing.
0:50:05 > 0:50:09And one Saturday he said, no, don't want my hair cut.
0:50:09 > 0:50:14I had an inkling as to why because I knew that she had gotten together,
0:50:14 > 0:50:17that's my ex-wife, gotten together with a gentleman
0:50:17 > 0:50:18who wore his hair in plaits.
0:50:18 > 0:50:22And, so I had an inkling that that's why, but I didn't want
0:50:22 > 0:50:25to play that game, I didn't want to play the blame game,
0:50:25 > 0:50:27so I said, OK, I can't stop you.
0:50:27 > 0:50:32So he had his hair in plaits for a number of years.
0:50:32 > 0:50:37That was a major defeat, it was a major defeat to see my son
0:50:37 > 0:50:40reflecting somebody else.
0:50:40 > 0:50:43You know, let's take ego out of this, let's take me not liking
0:50:43 > 0:50:47the guy out of this, let's just stick with the basics which is,
0:50:47 > 0:50:48there was my son, my child,
0:50:48 > 0:50:52reflecting the look of somebody else, someone who had just come
0:50:52 > 0:50:56into his life, but obviously was having such an enormous impact
0:50:56 > 0:51:00and that hurt, that hurt because that's not what I wanted,
0:51:00 > 0:51:03you know, what every dad wants is for his son to look like him.
0:51:03 > 0:51:05But Paul didn't give up.
0:51:05 > 0:51:08He joined the 100 Black Men of London.
0:51:08 > 0:51:12Their special mission was to help young Afro-Caribbean boys.
0:51:12 > 0:51:15Through this work, he eventually won back
0:51:15 > 0:51:18the respect from his son that he wanted.
0:51:18 > 0:51:22I got involved with a group called the 100 Black Men at the time,
0:51:22 > 0:51:26whose main mandate was looking after young black kids in the community
0:51:26 > 0:51:28specifically with an eye towards
0:51:28 > 0:51:33the boys and that I think was a great experience for me, because aside from
0:51:33 > 0:51:37just the normal stuff that you get when you say, you know, the man who
0:51:37 > 0:51:40you get when you become a dad, they provided me with more insight
0:51:40 > 0:51:44into stuff like mentoring, into working with young people.
0:51:44 > 0:51:46And I've got to admit I took a lot of that
0:51:46 > 0:51:48on board with working with my son.
0:51:48 > 0:51:52Then came the day when Kareem had his plaits cut off.
0:51:52 > 0:51:56It was great for me because now I saw my son reflecting,
0:51:56 > 0:52:01yes, selfishly, values which I felt were very, very important.
0:52:01 > 0:52:03And now, knowing that you know
0:52:03 > 0:52:07something like I'm back the main man, you know, and that's what it's about,
0:52:07 > 0:52:11I make no apologies for wanting to be the main man in my son's life.
0:52:11 > 0:52:14CHILD WHINES
0:52:14 > 0:52:17No, not till after your dinner, I've told you "no".
0:52:17 > 0:52:20With the divorce rate at an all-time high,
0:52:20 > 0:52:24family break ups were hugely disruptive to children's lives.
0:52:24 > 0:52:25This was further complicated
0:52:25 > 0:52:29when the parents went on to form new relationships and marriages.
0:52:32 > 0:52:37The 1990s heralded a new era of step-parenting.
0:52:37 > 0:52:40By then, one in eight of all children
0:52:40 > 0:52:43were growing up in a step-family.
0:52:43 > 0:52:47There was no more difficult situation for a step-dad
0:52:47 > 0:52:51than to be regarded by the children as Mum's toy boy.
0:52:51 > 0:52:55When Edison Johnson got married, he was seven years younger
0:52:55 > 0:52:58than his wife, Beverley, and he faced the difficult prospect
0:52:58 > 0:53:00of becoming step-dad to her three children.
0:53:02 > 0:53:05There were times when I decided not to come home,
0:53:05 > 0:53:11and to take a second journey round the block.
0:53:11 > 0:53:16Or I just sat in the car when I got home, sometimes before,
0:53:16 > 0:53:19took a, kind of, deep breath and come in the house, you know?
0:53:19 > 0:53:24I found it pretty delicate and so I did spare a thought
0:53:24 > 0:53:28for what might be going through their minds, all the time.
0:53:28 > 0:53:31And I always thought that way, "I wonder if they're OK with that,
0:53:31 > 0:53:34"is that OK?" and I might ask my wife sometimes.
0:53:34 > 0:53:36But I didn't find her very useful on that level.
0:53:36 > 0:53:40I thought, "Right, I'm going to just make a decision."
0:53:40 > 0:53:45And nine times out of 10, if I just settled myself down,
0:53:45 > 0:53:48it wasn't as bad as what I thought it would be.
0:53:48 > 0:53:52Or, all the things I was thinking it might be, it wasn't.
0:53:53 > 0:53:56Edison gradually won the affection and respect
0:53:56 > 0:53:58of his wife's three children,
0:53:58 > 0:54:01but when he and Beverly decided they wanted their own child,
0:54:01 > 0:54:04he wasn't sure how he would cope with becoming a father himself.
0:54:08 > 0:54:11I looked at the baby and it didn't look as bad as I thought,
0:54:11 > 0:54:14cos I think babies don't actually look nice when they're first born.
0:54:14 > 0:54:18But, as anything, I think they're... I think it's...
0:54:18 > 0:54:21Your baby looks nice to you when it's born.
0:54:21 > 0:54:24So it was beautiful, he's beautiful,
0:54:24 > 0:54:27he's absolutely gorgeous,
0:54:27 > 0:54:29absolutely gorgeous.
0:54:34 > 0:54:38I held him in my arms, and he was pretty chilled and relaxed, really,
0:54:38 > 0:54:41he wasn't fussed, or anything like that.
0:54:41 > 0:54:46And then, it was busy, you know, changing diapers,
0:54:46 > 0:54:48what's the big deal?
0:54:48 > 0:54:51Feeding babies, what's the big deal?
0:54:51 > 0:54:54I literally took... I was looking after that baby...
0:54:54 > 0:54:56When she fell asleep I took the baby off the breast,
0:54:56 > 0:55:00looked after the baby for myself and then put the baby to bed,
0:55:00 > 0:55:02made sure the baby was washed, cleaned
0:55:02 > 0:55:05and done all of that stuff easily.
0:55:05 > 0:55:08So by the time he's got his own character,
0:55:08 > 0:55:12and he's literally staring at me as I walk across that room,
0:55:12 > 0:55:16that's when I think to myself, "Nah, is he looking at me?"
0:55:16 > 0:55:19Are you with me? That's when it starts to look good, you know?
0:55:21 > 0:55:23Matt O'Connor re-married,
0:55:23 > 0:55:26had a new son and became step-dad to his second wife's daughter.
0:55:26 > 0:55:29It was a very modern and happy family.
0:55:29 > 0:55:32But his commitment to Fathers4Justice
0:55:32 > 0:55:33remained as strong as ever.
0:55:35 > 0:55:38What sort of person is going to say,
0:55:38 > 0:55:42"Actually, you know what? We don't need fathers."
0:55:42 > 0:55:44What sort of person is going to say,
0:55:44 > 0:55:48"Well, we know we're going to put you through eight years or 10 years
0:55:48 > 0:55:51"of going through the family justice system,
0:55:51 > 0:55:54"bankrupt the family - emotionally and economically,
0:55:54 > 0:55:56"with no resolution."
0:55:56 > 0:55:58It's a fundamentally abusive system.
0:55:58 > 0:56:01What we're saying is, "Right, you can't necessarily go back
0:56:01 > 0:56:05"to the traditional nuclear family, but the most important thing is -
0:56:05 > 0:56:09"the maths is simple, two parents are better than one."
0:56:09 > 0:56:11And that's what I believe in.
0:56:11 > 0:56:14After separation or, yeah, hopefully, if you're together,
0:56:14 > 0:56:19that's even better. But if it has to be after separation,
0:56:19 > 0:56:22retain the love and care of both parents
0:56:22 > 0:56:26and never ever hate your ex more than you love your children.
0:56:28 > 0:56:31Fathers have come a long way in the last hundred years.
0:56:31 > 0:56:33Most modern dads want to enjoy
0:56:33 > 0:56:36an intimate relationship with their children from the beginning.
0:56:36 > 0:56:39And breaking the bond with their children
0:56:39 > 0:56:42is something they are less inclined to accept than before.
0:56:44 > 0:56:47Fathers in history have often been stereotyped as remote,
0:56:47 > 0:56:49distant and uncaring figures.
0:56:49 > 0:56:51But across a hundred years of change,
0:56:51 > 0:56:54encompassing a social and sexual revolution,
0:56:54 > 0:56:57they've enjoyed much closer and more important relationships
0:56:57 > 0:57:00with their children than has previously been thought.
0:57:02 > 0:57:07Those who did, have enriched their own lives. On the way,
0:57:07 > 0:57:11changing attitudes and making new lives possible for their children.
0:57:13 > 0:57:17Laeeq and Farhat Khan are now proud grandparents
0:57:17 > 0:57:21and are happy with the new life they made in Britain.
0:57:21 > 0:57:27Our birthdays come, we look forward to them, and any excuse to celebrate,
0:57:27 > 0:57:30any excuse to kiss. I mean, I still kiss them.
0:57:30 > 0:57:33I still kiss them in front of their wives.
0:57:35 > 0:57:38I don't... It doesn't deter me.
0:57:38 > 0:57:42It's my son and those are my grandchildren.
0:57:44 > 0:57:47So that's my life,
0:57:47 > 0:57:49that's my happiness.
0:57:49 > 0:57:53Rashid re-established close contact with his children
0:57:53 > 0:57:58when he returned to Britain, and now has a large extended family.
0:57:58 > 0:58:03They've given me unconditional love.
0:58:05 > 0:58:07They've given me unconditional love.
0:58:15 > 0:58:17It's beautiful.
0:58:19 > 0:58:22Dan Gardiner and his ex-wife are now on friendly terms,
0:58:22 > 0:58:25and together, they've created new and lasting relationships
0:58:25 > 0:58:27with their children.
0:58:27 > 0:58:30I've always wanted to be really good friends with my kids, you know?
0:58:30 > 0:58:34I'm not sure I had that with my dad, but I had it a bit with my dad,
0:58:34 > 0:58:37but when it came to me having my kids it was...
0:58:37 > 0:58:40They were so funny and they were such nice people
0:58:40 > 0:58:44that I just wanted to be their friends as well as being their dad.
0:58:52 > 0:58:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:55 > 0:58:58E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk