0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language and some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.
0:00:08 > 0:00:12What happens to our cute kids? One minute they're adorable, then they morph into moody teenagers,
0:00:12 > 0:00:16- struggling with the challenges of adolescence...- Get out of my fucking room.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19..leaving their parents wondering exactly where did they go wrong.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22I just want you to piss off.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24THEY SHOUT
0:00:24 > 0:00:27- Sit down. Can't keep your knickers on.- Shut up!
0:00:27 > 0:00:31These three families are suffering serious Teen Trouble.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36The situation is bad enough.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38You just said you weren't hungry.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41What do you mean, you didn't know? You know exactly what you're doing.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Hey, hey, hey! Rachel!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Desperate for change, they've signed up for a week-long retreat
0:00:47 > 0:00:51away from their usual routines and home comforts
0:00:51 > 0:00:54in a bid to turn their lives around.
0:00:54 > 0:00:59The location, Greenhill YMCA in Newcastle, County Down.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02An expert team will put the families through a tough programme
0:01:02 > 0:01:05of psychotherapy and physical activities.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08They're here to deal with their teens' behaviour,
0:01:08 > 0:01:13but will it turn out that the parents had as much to blame as their kids?
0:01:13 > 0:01:17The group will be pushed to their limits and taken way beyond their comfort zones...
0:01:17 > 0:01:19My God, I'm going to punch you in the face.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23- ..in an attempt to rebuild their confidence...- Fucking bitch!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26..and their relationships.
0:01:26 > 0:01:31But can they step up to the challenge and grasp this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?
0:01:31 > 0:01:35THEY YELL
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Cathy, her partner Beano and daughter Chloe...
0:02:10 > 0:02:13mum Siobhan and daughter Ciara...
0:02:13 > 0:02:17and Andrea and her three teens, Josh, Rachel and Naomi,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20have just taken the first big step to the new life
0:02:20 > 0:02:24by admitting to the outside world that they have problems.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I've been really stressed out and moody and angry
0:02:27 > 0:02:30and stuff, like, all week.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Half the time I don't even know why.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37No hitting. No hitting this time.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39But before they can fix their issues,
0:02:39 > 0:02:43they need to focus on what they want to change.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Listen up, everybody. Listen to what Mammy has to read.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Take your earphones out.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52By the time you reach the destination,
0:02:52 > 0:02:55we would like you to have thought of one sentence...
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Which describes what you would want to achieve this week.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59What is your goal?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- Do you get that?- Yeah.
0:03:07 > 0:03:14Tell them that me and my family need help with me, about my behavioural problems and my tantrums.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17And it's not my fault if I throw a tantrum.
0:03:20 > 0:03:26I'm hoping that's there will be some solutions to issues and problems
0:03:26 > 0:03:30and it would be really good to
0:03:30 > 0:03:35see it from a different perspective for a change than my own.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Mum Cathy and stepdad Bernard, usually known as Beano,
0:03:47 > 0:03:51are here to tackle 13-year-old Chloe's behaviour problems.
0:03:51 > 0:03:56Younger brother and sister, Orla and Rhys, are along for the ride.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Chloe has ADHD
0:04:00 > 0:04:04and severe behavioural problems and learning difficulties.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08It's hard going at the best of times with her.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10There's a lot of arguments that are caused
0:04:10 > 0:04:12between myself, her and Bernard.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16There are times, even, if there is an argument
0:04:16 > 0:04:21there are times I would have to take away and go to my own place,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24just to air things out and give them a break or something.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27It hits me hard, like.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33When he's here, I keep thinking about my own daddy.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39I just tell him to get to hell and go up to my room.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41If I'm in a bad mood, I go up, slam my door
0:04:41 > 0:04:44and whack my head off the wall and then start booting myself.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Start booting the walls and jumping on my bed and trying to break it.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50She has tried to self-harm a few times, like.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55"I want to kill myself, I don't like this life, I don't want this life any more."
0:04:55 > 0:04:59To me, like, that's my child.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02You know, it's sad, like.
0:05:02 > 0:05:08You try your best to try to do...
0:05:08 > 0:05:12I wouldn't be without my three weans.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15It's just, it's hard.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18It's hard on me because I am piggy in the middle.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Single mum Andrea and her three teenagers
0:05:23 > 0:05:26have also reached breaking point.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30There's nothing particularly unusual about sisters not getting on,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33but it's the extreme and sometimes violent nature
0:05:33 > 0:05:35of Naomi and Rachel's daily arguments
0:05:35 > 0:05:39that's tearing the family apart.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Brother Joshua finds himself stuck in the middle with their mum.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45They were just normal kids.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49It changed really in the teenage years.
0:05:49 > 0:05:56I just noticed that between Rachel and Naomi there was an animosity grew
0:05:56 > 0:06:00until they couldn't stand to be even in the same room.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02It always falls on the same pattern.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Naomi would take something of mine,
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I would scream and shout and try and take it off her,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11but then she goes, "That's not fair cos she took my make-up."
0:06:11 > 0:06:14No hitting. Hey, hey, hey! That's enough.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19It's hard to not react.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21One person has to win.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25We could end up hitting each other and stuff like that, physical fighting.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28And then mum can get involved and she'll do the same
0:06:28 > 0:06:32and there's a whole fight between the three of us.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Then my brother is just stuck in the middle.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36It's never directly affected me.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40It's what they do to mum that mostly affects me.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42She would get angry and that would be her for the day.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45And she's just not the same as what she would be
0:06:45 > 0:06:49if they weren't fighting that day, which is rare.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52You just put out fires all the time.
0:06:52 > 0:06:57Small ones, big ones... All the time.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Single mum Siobhan and 14-year-old Ciara
0:07:04 > 0:07:07have grown further and further apart in recent years.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10They're going to find being alone together for a week
0:07:10 > 0:07:14away from Ciara's two sisters a real test.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18- Have you got everything you need and you'll unpack later?- Yeah.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- Make your bed up later?- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Do you want to change your shoes or anything? Are you happy enough?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- No.- You're happy enough with what you have on.- Yeah.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33- Just get a couple photos together. - I don't want to.- Why?
0:07:33 > 0:07:38- Because I don't like you. - Look here. You don't like me?- No.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Have been having problems steadily for the last few years with her.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45But it's just things have really come to a head
0:07:45 > 0:07:48over the last three or four months with her behaviour,
0:07:48 > 0:07:54her violent outbursts, and she's been drinking a few times in the evenings.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57You know, things have sort of spiralled out of control really more.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02From she was very small, she's been very headstrong.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I've tried not to react to her at times.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11And it does help, and she doesn't like it.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14So obviously the whole problem is not with Ciara, it's with me as well
0:08:14 > 0:08:16and how I react to Ciara
0:08:16 > 0:08:20and how I deal with the things that she does.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I just couldn't imagine it.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- Couldn't imagine being able to talk to me?- No, I just don't want to.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31I could talk to you if I wanted to, but I don't.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37She's just a teenager.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40She's doing what they all do.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45But for Siobhan, like the other parents,
0:08:45 > 0:08:49her teenager's behaviour is no longer acceptable.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51They need help, and it's finally arrived.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Welcome, everybody. Thanks again for being brave enough to come and do this.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I know it's not always the easiest thing to do,
0:09:00 > 0:09:05and you've probably all felt a little but alone with your problems and your families.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Trust me, there's lots of other families out there like yourselves.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11The most important people this week, apart from yourselves of course,
0:09:11 > 0:09:15are the experts who are really going to be helping you every day.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19For me, this week is all about you reconnecting with each other
0:09:19 > 0:09:22and whether that's about parents reconnecting with your children
0:09:22 > 0:09:24or brothers and sisters reconnecting,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27and I want you to have time to just reflect
0:09:27 > 0:09:30and then hopefully strengthen those bonds.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I'll be working with the adults, the parents.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35The most important thing is that you speak your mind.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Do your best to say what you feel and think.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Now, my style is a quiet style.
0:09:41 > 0:09:46So I'll be waiting for you to put words to what's, as I say,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48on your mind, and I'll do my best to work with you to understand
0:09:48 > 0:09:53what's going on to get you to a better place.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56So, basically, we're here to help you make the changes
0:09:56 > 0:09:58that you really want to happen.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01This truly is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, to have
0:10:01 > 0:10:05this team together really focused on your needs, listening,
0:10:05 > 0:10:08helping, in this gorgeous place, so let's make the most of it
0:10:08 > 0:10:11and I suggest it's time to get started.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14And remind me the ages because you all look very similar...
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Finally meeting the expert team
0:10:16 > 0:10:20means the reality of what they're here to do is really sinking in.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Just doesn't want to talk. This is the way she behaves all the time.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28And when she's not like that there, there's an argument or a fight.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33Yeah. Well, then I'm impressed that Chloe's got in the car and come up.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Go away. Go away.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47- I don't even want to be here. - CATHY:- I'm sorry.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Cathy's attempts to reassure daughter Chloe aren't well-received
0:10:50 > 0:10:53and suddenly it's become too much.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56AMANDA: It's all right. It's a lot of pressure.
0:10:56 > 0:11:01- RACHEL:- It's really a big deal. You might need a minute. - BEANO:- You're all right.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Realising she's upset her mum, Chloe also leaves.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Go away. Leave me alone.
0:11:10 > 0:11:15Chloe's Chloe. When she's on good form, the house is good form.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19That's just the way it is. When Chloe's good, we're all good.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Family life in Derry revolves around Chloe,
0:11:23 > 0:11:27who was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder when she was six.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31It means she finds it hard to concentrate or sit still and is very impulsive.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Her behaviour has got steadily worse over the years
0:11:34 > 0:11:37and, although medication helps control her symptoms,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40her mood can change in an instant.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43She's got about three or four stages through her tantrum.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46First it's she rejects me saying no to her.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- I went down last night with it. - All right, all right.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Oh, jeez...
0:11:53 > 0:11:54What's wrong?
0:11:54 > 0:11:58'The next stage is banging her head off the wall,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00maybe breaking the bed, which she's done,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02and we're at the crying stage then.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07And once the crying stage is finished then it's back to normal.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Life just goes on and stuff, nothing happens and then it's
0:12:10 > 0:12:13"Mammy, can I go out again?" So the whole argument starts again.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16What are you laughing for?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18CHLOE GIGGLES
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Chloe, I'm stressed out here, like.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24GIRLS LAUGH
0:12:26 > 0:12:29If she grounds me, I throw the biggest wobbler of my life.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33I broke me bed one time, and I broke that door, but it didn't
0:12:33 > 0:12:37come off, like, but then I started bouncing about me bed then.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Cathy and Beano met when Chloe was seven.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43With Orla and Rhys added to the family, step-dad Beano has
0:12:43 > 0:12:47tried hard not to treat Chloe any differently from his own kids.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49For Chloe, it's not that simple.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Chloe rebels on me and if I was to get onto her, she'd say,
0:12:52 > 0:12:54"You shouldn't be getting onto me, you're not my..."
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- and such, you know what I mean? - "You're not my daddy," and...
0:12:57 > 0:13:00And I say to Cathy, "Look, Cathy, I'm fed up saying this"
0:13:00 > 0:13:02because it just...it puts me in a bad mood then
0:13:02 > 0:13:05because of the things she keeps saying to me all the time.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08See all the fighting that they do, see if there's anything wrong,
0:13:08 > 0:13:09she runs to him.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13I can't take it, but.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Them two have their daddy here and I don't know where mine is.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21I don't care any more about him, but, have to admit it.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24He said he would keep in contact.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26He doesn't keep in contact, like, so...
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Chloe's daddy, myself and Bernard had met him in the town
0:13:34 > 0:13:38and he'd asked us, "Could we see her?" And...
0:13:40 > 0:13:42..I feel terrible saying this here,
0:13:42 > 0:13:44but I handed her to him at the town
0:13:44 > 0:13:46and she thought it was the greatest thing ever.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50It was "Daddy this, Daddy that, me daddy, me daddy."
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Bernard's standing there. My heart was breaking, and I hitted her.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I actually hitted my own daughter that day, cos I turned round,
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I says, "I have given you everything."
0:13:59 > 0:14:01And I'm not being selfish,
0:14:01 > 0:14:03but at that moment in time that's the way I felt.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10D'you want to tell me a little bit about what you're finding stressful?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12It's the first chance for psychologist Rachel
0:14:12 > 0:14:15to start to understand what's going on in Chloe's head.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Just don't want to do it today, it's just too much things going on.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28And what helps when you're feeling like this?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Walking out of me house or something.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- OK, just having that space. - Aye.- Yeah.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38So far, a dramatic start to the week.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Those initial meetings are always really emotional
0:14:42 > 0:14:45and I think for Chloe that it all just bubbled over,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48all of the things that she'd been thinking about and feeling,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50perhaps in the run-up to coming here.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54What seems to happen is that Chloe will very quickly get
0:14:54 > 0:14:59overwhelmed by feeling frustrated or nervous and then,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02when Mum comes in to try to comfort her in some way around that,
0:15:02 > 0:15:06that's too much for Chloe and so she will back off away from that,
0:15:06 > 0:15:10and Mum will interpret that then as a rejection of her
0:15:10 > 0:15:13and end up feeling very upset herself.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14I don't know what else to do.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19She just took me for six there now when she pushed me away.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21She took me for six. It hurt.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25It really, really hurt. Really hurt.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27We'll just see what the week brings.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32That's it, that's all I can say. It's a good start anyway.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46It's a familiar pattern of tears and hugs,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49which leaves Cathy feeling sad and confused.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52OK, I'll be in me room.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56- That's what happens all the time. - Yeah, it's her time for a cuddle...
0:15:56 > 0:16:00..and then I end up crying or if I have a row where...
0:16:00 > 0:16:04it gets out of hand or whatever...you know,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07I might say wrong things to her and she's saying back to me.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12But he'll tell you, I just go into the kitchen and cry.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18It's really, really sad, because she's a beautiful wee girl,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21you know what I mean, and I'm the one she hurts.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24I'm the one she hurts.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30It's lunchtime,
0:16:30 > 0:16:34and Amanda takes the opportunity to get to know the new arrivals.
0:16:34 > 0:16:39- Do you all sit and eat together as a family or...?- Me and my mum do.
0:16:39 > 0:16:44- So you two eat together?- Yes.- And then...why won't you two join in?
0:16:44 > 0:16:49- I'll be in the living room. - I'll be in my room.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I just recently, to try and improve things in the house,
0:16:52 > 0:16:56I made one day, a Tuesday, what's called "family night,"
0:16:56 > 0:16:59but really what it means is we all sit at the table together
0:16:59 > 0:17:05and have our dinner, and we try and then watch TV or do something,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- all of the four of us together. - And does that work, or...?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- No, it never happens. - It does happen.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15No it doesn't, Shauna always goes out. She's allowed to leave.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I don't know if it's improved anything, but it has happened.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23After lunch, Amanda gathers everyone together
0:17:23 > 0:17:25for the first session of the week.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28OK, so this is where we're going to start having some fun.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30This session, we've asked you to bring an object
0:17:30 > 0:17:33that represents you, and it's really just to help us all
0:17:33 > 0:17:35get to know one another in a nice, relaxed way.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39I thought I'd start, just so you know what I'm kind of talking about,
0:17:39 > 0:17:41here's my object.
0:17:41 > 0:17:46Bit strange, glue, the idea being that my role here this week is
0:17:46 > 0:17:48to try and stick you all together.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52Not literally, although I might if you're naughty.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56It's a simple idea, but one which can yield surprisingly good results.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59So it depends on whether they've taken it seriously or not,
0:17:59 > 0:18:01but actually it's incredible how insightful
0:18:01 > 0:18:03just that little thing can be.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06What you often find is either there's humour or there's quite a bit
0:18:06 > 0:18:10of emotion that comes along with it, so it's a great opener to the week.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14It was hard for me to pick one, but what I brought is my computer mouse.
0:18:15 > 0:18:20It's a bit like me because it's very logical, helpful
0:18:20 > 0:18:22and always there when you need it,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25which I think represents myself very well.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I brought along this little baby band,
0:18:27 > 0:18:33basically because that's when my life changed and I changed.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36And it represents a journey
0:18:36 > 0:18:40from being totally selfish
0:18:40 > 0:18:44and just thinking about myself to the first time I think
0:18:44 > 0:18:47I ever had to think really and truly about anyone.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Is it strange to hear your mum say that she was selfish
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- and all those things? - Yeah, it is strange.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55I didn't know she was like that before,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58so it's quite surprising to hear.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01But it's very nice to hear at the same time.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02I brought my phone,
0:19:02 > 0:19:06because I'm a typical teenager that loves to socialise
0:19:06 > 0:19:09and talk to different people, make new friends
0:19:09 > 0:19:14and it just shows that I'm a sociable person.
0:19:14 > 0:19:19I've brought my microphone because it resembles being loud,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22being loud and noticed, in the spotlight most of the time.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25I will admit, I do like the attention, but...
0:19:26 > 0:19:28All right, who's next?
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Mine's is me "Dad" ring,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32because it was Chloe and Orla and Rhys that bought it me.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35They bought it me for Father's Day
0:19:35 > 0:19:37and I just have it on me all the time.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- So you never take it off?- No, no, no.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I've brought my bottle of Flash.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Right! OK... AMANDA LAUGHS
0:19:44 > 0:19:50This symbolises me because I clean when I'm stressed,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I clean if things go wrong at home.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55I was going to bring my Hoover.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I actually was going to bring my Hoover,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01but I thought this was more handy to go in the suitcase.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06If Chloe's having a bad day and I'm getting the brunt of it, I take
0:20:06 > 0:20:11the Hoover out and for that five, ten minutes, everything's gone.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13It's just me and the Hoover.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Is it strange to hear your mum say she's going to miss her Hoover
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- and her mop?- She cleans 24/7.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- Does she really? - Aye.- What's your object?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- My phone.- A phone as well? There we are.
0:20:27 > 0:20:32Since we're on the subject of phones, I might as well tell you now,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35erm, you're going to give me all your phones.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37You're allowed them at the end of the day,
0:20:37 > 0:20:41but you're going to hand them in.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44I know it's hard but it's going to help.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Like your mum's not got her Hoover, you're not going to have your phone.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Surprisingly, the teens show no resistance to Amanda's request,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54and give up their phones without a fight.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57There you go, they've already surprised you.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- They sure have.- You two.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02I just have...
0:21:02 > 0:21:06my Ed Sheeran ticket and my granny's rings
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- that I never take off. - Oh, really? Let's see the rings.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10That one and then that one.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Oh, so they're quite fancy rings.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15She knows that Ciara really likes them
0:21:15 > 0:21:19and they mean something special to her, so...
0:21:19 > 0:21:20That's a lot of trust.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- What's your object? - My object is a book,
0:21:23 > 0:21:27and it's actually just to represent Rathlin Island
0:21:27 > 0:21:34because in November 2010 I went to Rathlin Island for the first time
0:21:34 > 0:21:36for a big long walk
0:21:36 > 0:21:40and it was the start of me walking
0:21:40 > 0:21:44and it's a real escapism for me.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Sorry.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52It's time for me without the kids.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56It just means a lot.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58But it's something I need.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Working mum Siobhan has three daughters.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Middle sister Ciara is causing her mum increasing worry,
0:22:14 > 0:22:18and Siobhan is desperate to try and improve things between them.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24It can be very difficult at times, but I love her.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Sometimes we don't have the best relationship.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Communication can be very poor at times.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Me and my mum are like two completely different people.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40It's like we're running two different frequencies all together.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I'm not going to be back by six.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45I want you to come back for dinner,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- and then you can go back out with the dog.- Why?
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- Because that's what I want you to do.- I never come home for dinner!
0:22:52 > 0:22:55You should be coming home for dinner.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58We're just, like, always on a very fine line,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01and you're about to go one way or another.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03And then sometimes we'll have real bad days,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05and sometimes they'll be really good,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07but very rarely it'll be very good.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10D'you know where you're going later yet?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- They're going to come and get me now?- Who's coming to get you now?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Shannon and Nicole.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16And where are you going?
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- Don't know. I'll ask them when they get here.- Right.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24So you're going to eat a brownie and you're going to eat an ice pop
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- but you won't eat your dinner. - I'll eat it then!
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Basically a lot of the problem I have with Ciara is the trust issue.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34She doesn't go to the places she says she's going to go to,
0:23:34 > 0:23:38and there was an incident where she was going to sleep over with
0:23:38 > 0:23:41two girls, and I phoned one of her friends to make sure
0:23:41 > 0:23:44she was going to this place, and I spoke to the girl, I didn't speak to
0:23:44 > 0:23:46the mother, I spoke to the girl and she said,
0:23:46 > 0:23:50"Oh, yes, Ciara's coming and so and so's going to be here,"
0:23:50 > 0:23:52but they actually went to a party instead.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55And what time d'you think you're going to be home?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01- Ten, quarter past ten.- I would like you in at quarter to ten.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04No, you normally let me out till ten.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07I know, but tonight I want you in at quarter to ten. Quarter to ten.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Right!
0:24:09 > 0:24:12There's been a couple of inatances where things have got really
0:24:12 > 0:24:13out of control in the house,
0:24:13 > 0:24:17and they nearly always involve the mobile phone.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19No, the phone, I need it, cos I literally go mental
0:24:19 > 0:24:21if I don't, I go a bit mad.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25But isn't punishment about doing something that'll affect you?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Yeah, but not going mental, cos that doesn't affect me,
0:24:27 > 0:24:29it affects everyone else.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31No, I'm not eating them.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- It's just pasta and vegetables. - I don't want it.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- Well, that's what your dinner is. - I'll try it and let you know.
0:24:38 > 0:24:43You just said you weren't hungry. And you're going to eat a brownie?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Sometimes you just have to let her walk away
0:24:45 > 0:24:49if she decides that she's in that sort of violent outburst
0:24:49 > 0:24:50and she wants to leave,
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I have occasionally just let her leave, because I think maybe
0:24:53 > 0:24:57it's better than her doing damage here or to someone else.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00She cools down and then she'll come back again.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02It disrupts everyone.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05My elder daughter, she doesn't want to be here, you know,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08a lot of the time because it's not a happy place to be.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13So what we thought we'd do now, now that we've gotten to know each other
0:25:13 > 0:25:16a little bit better, and we're kind of officially starting the process
0:25:16 > 0:25:18is agree some ground rules.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20This can't just come from myself or from Rachel,
0:25:20 > 0:25:22it's got to include everyone, OK.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25So we've all got to agree and sign up to these rules.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26I'm going to start,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29because I've already taken your phones away from you,
0:25:29 > 0:25:31so, my rule,
0:25:31 > 0:25:38"No mobile phones during the day."
0:25:38 > 0:25:42- Trying your best not to swear or something?- Mm-hm.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- No running in and out. - No running in and out.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49No judging people about their issues and problems.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53Really listening to people's point of views.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58I think my children think I'm very guilty of not listening to them.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02No, you do. You add bits, though, and change it.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Parents often give up on rules for an easy life,
0:26:05 > 0:26:07but despite all indications to the contrary,
0:26:07 > 0:26:10most teens prefer to know where they stand, so negotiating
0:26:10 > 0:26:14boundaries and sticking to them benefits the whole family.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18What we'll do is we'll have a rule that, in the evenings,
0:26:18 > 0:26:22evening dinners, some nights the teens are going to do the clearing up
0:26:22 > 0:26:24and help with the washing
0:26:24 > 0:26:26and some nights the adults are going to do the clearing up
0:26:26 > 0:26:29and help with the washing. And tonight,
0:26:29 > 0:26:33the teenagers are going to be doing the clearing up after dinner.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Ohhh!
0:26:38 > 0:26:42So with the rules in place, it's time for the mind work to begin.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Getting to the root of these families' problems
0:26:44 > 0:26:49and starting to make a difference in just one week is a huge challenge,
0:26:49 > 0:26:52and Dr Rachel Andrew is going to be bringing all her
0:26:52 > 0:26:55skills into play to try and do just that.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Within my sessions,
0:26:57 > 0:27:01I draw on a number of different psychological approaches,
0:27:01 > 0:27:05and I think it helps me tailor a certain intervention,
0:27:05 > 0:27:10specifically for individual teenagers and their families.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Come on up and sit on the blanket with me.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17Are you exhausted, Chloe?
0:27:17 > 0:27:23What I wanted us to think about and talk about first was, erm,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26the idea of a perfect parent.
0:27:26 > 0:27:31What I wanted us to come up with is an advert for a perfect parent.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34What qualities or strengths or things you'd be looking for
0:27:34 > 0:27:40if you wanted someone to come forward to be your mum or dad.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41With young people,
0:27:41 > 0:27:45they'll often have conversations where they're the problem.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Other people will tell them they're the problem,
0:27:48 > 0:27:52so by externalising the difficulty into something else that wants
0:27:52 > 0:27:55something different for them, then it just frees them up
0:27:55 > 0:27:58to talk about it in a completely different way.
0:27:58 > 0:28:03So caring, you think that's an important thing for a parent to be?
0:28:03 > 0:28:07That would be something that would be important to you, Chloe?
0:28:07 > 0:28:09- That they would care for you? - Understanding.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Yeah, that is a good one.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Like, of your problems and stuff, they would understand what
0:28:14 > 0:28:16you're going through and try to help you with that.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17Cos that's quite important to me
0:28:17 > 0:28:20that someone understands what I'm going through.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25They would need to be honest. Like, not to keep lies from you
0:28:25 > 0:28:29and to tell you like it is instead of keeping things,
0:28:29 > 0:28:34instead of them not thinking that you can handle it, like honest.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Wow, yes.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40Ciara, I was thinking about honesty and thinking, is that
0:28:40 > 0:28:45something that, d'you feel your mum is honest with you about things?
0:28:45 > 0:28:48No, I don't really talk to her...
0:28:48 > 0:28:51- Like, at all? - Not about everything, like...
0:28:53 > 0:28:56- ..other than general stuff.- Hmm.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Is there anything you think your mum could do differently
0:29:02 > 0:29:06that would encourage you to talk to her more?
0:29:07 > 0:29:09- I don't know. - It's a tough one, isn't it?
0:29:13 > 0:29:17'When we created the perfect parent ad,
0:29:17 > 0:29:22'I was interested in what teenagers today want from their parents.
0:29:22 > 0:29:27'So first of all, I was just interested in the sorts of qualities
0:29:27 > 0:29:31'that they might come out with that they want from their parents.'
0:29:31 > 0:29:35And what I also wanted them to do is then think about how difficult it
0:29:35 > 0:29:41might be for a parent to consistently show those qualities all of the time.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44You know, if this was an advert for a perfect parent,
0:29:44 > 0:29:46and we put that out there, who would apply?
0:29:46 > 0:29:52I don't think anybody could keep up with all that, every day for ever.
0:29:52 > 0:29:56Well, that's it, I guess. There's never a day off with it, is there?
0:29:57 > 0:29:59- D'you think you could do it?- No.
0:29:59 > 0:30:03I think we could all do them, but just not all the time,
0:30:03 > 0:30:09like, not everybody could do it every day, 24/7.
0:30:09 > 0:30:14There'll be at least one or two or three that you wouldn't do.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Even by accident.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19So if this is what you would want from a parent,
0:30:19 > 0:30:24- what do you think they're looking for from you?- Good behaviour.- Right.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26Probably the same.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28- Right.- Like, respect.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30Then again, they're like, humans as well,
0:30:30 > 0:30:34who deserve the same respect back.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37Rachel and Naomi may talk about respect,
0:30:37 > 0:30:39but it's something they struggle to give each other.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45On the surface, the Crilly household appears happy and harmonious,
0:30:45 > 0:30:49but beneath the calm exterior, all is not as it seems.
0:30:50 > 0:30:54For the past few years, it's been a constant war zone.
0:30:54 > 0:30:58Petty arguments between sisters Naomi and Rachel escalate quickly,
0:30:58 > 0:31:02sometimes resulting in physical injury.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04Just ten months older than Rachel,
0:31:04 > 0:31:06Josh watches quietly as the fights develop.
0:31:08 > 0:31:09It's very predictable.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12Like, there's nothing new, it's... they know what they're doing,
0:31:12 > 0:31:15it's just that they don't know how to control themselves.
0:31:15 > 0:31:19- Why?! Why?- You took this out on me, I mean, I only sat down...
0:31:19 > 0:31:22- You came in!- So?!
0:31:22 > 0:31:25Why d'you have to walk in on problems?!
0:31:25 > 0:31:30Why d'you have to walk in on my problems?!
0:31:30 > 0:31:33There's really not a day that would go by
0:31:33 > 0:31:36where me and Rachel wouldn't have an outbreak,
0:31:36 > 0:31:39a lot of hitting and punching
0:31:39 > 0:31:42and a lot of tears, and one time,
0:31:42 > 0:31:47cos we were so angry that I broke the Hoover
0:31:47 > 0:31:49and started smacking her with it.
0:31:50 > 0:31:58They got on so well as children, but the issues arose for each of them
0:31:58 > 0:32:01in varying degrees when they became teenagers.
0:32:01 > 0:32:05- Rachel, she's very stressed. - Oh, my gosh.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08I'm sticking to my story, I didn't do anything...
0:32:08 > 0:32:13- Then get out! - Just by being here, you annoy her.
0:32:16 > 0:32:20Last summer, the girls were sharing a room,
0:32:20 > 0:32:24the biggest bedroom in the house, but it got so bad that I was
0:32:24 > 0:32:27genuinely afraid, because by the time it took me to get up
0:32:27 > 0:32:33the stairs to separate them, they could do each other serious damage.
0:32:33 > 0:32:38This has always been my room, me and Naomi's room but it's been changed.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41This used to be my mum's bed, now it's my bed. Naomi's room.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43Mum sleeps downstairs.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45It's only a three-bedroom house,
0:32:45 > 0:32:49so I sleep down here on the sofa for about a year now.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51And it's just to...
0:32:52 > 0:32:54..ease pressure.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56And then she's always complaining about it,
0:32:56 > 0:32:59like, it's uncomfortable and stuff, but it keeps me
0:32:59 > 0:33:03and Rachel from fighting, so it does, most nights, even though
0:33:03 > 0:33:06we still fight, even though we've got different rooms.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09We still find a way to argue.
0:33:09 > 0:33:13I don't have any emotions any more, I can't afford to...
0:33:14 > 0:33:17..because if they're emotional, I'm emotional.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20Family life would collapse, so...
0:33:21 > 0:33:25..I don't do emotions any more.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28I haven't for a long time.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33Andrea's so busy handling the conflicts at home,
0:33:33 > 0:33:36she gives little thought to her own needs.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39Not only does Amanda want her to take this opportunity
0:33:39 > 0:33:42to think about herself, she also wants to turn the tables
0:33:42 > 0:33:45and get the teens to consider their mum's life for a change.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48You should ask your kids what they think you should do,
0:33:48 > 0:33:49cos they know you more than anyone else.
0:33:49 > 0:33:53Come here, I've got a question to ask you.
0:33:53 > 0:33:57So, we're just chatting to your mum about what she would do
0:33:57 > 0:34:00once you're all grown up, and she's got no idea.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02Go on a dating site or something.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06- You could let them write your dating profile.- Ohhh!
0:34:06 > 0:34:09What, like, 25-year-old Brazilian you're probably going to write.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11My mum started dating when we were younger
0:34:11 > 0:34:13but we were upset about that cos we were still young.
0:34:13 > 0:34:17Yeah, I remember Mum wanted to talk about it and I always said,
0:34:17 > 0:34:19"I don't want another man in the house."
0:34:19 > 0:34:22I didn't want Mum to have a boyfriend.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25I would rather wait until I leave
0:34:25 > 0:34:27and then my mum could do what she wanted,
0:34:27 > 0:34:29but I'm just not comfortable.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32We can't keep waiting until we're comfortable for Mum to go
0:34:32 > 0:34:33and have a life or it might never start,
0:34:33 > 0:34:38so I think...if she wants to go and meet someone, she should.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41- How does that make you feel? - Really uncomfortable.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44I think it's lovely, actually.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46I think it's really nice that they're thinking about you
0:34:46 > 0:34:50over and above just them, cos they're wanting you to be happy,
0:34:50 > 0:34:53not just to be their parent, so I think that's amazing.
0:34:53 > 0:34:57I'm going to go and lie in a dark room now!
0:34:58 > 0:35:00Evening all, how are we?
0:35:00 > 0:35:03- Are we all happy?- Yeah, we are. - Isn't it wonderful?
0:35:08 > 0:35:09As they settle down for dinner,
0:35:09 > 0:35:13Siobhan's already taking comfort in the discovery that actually
0:35:13 > 0:35:15she's no different from lots of other parents.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18It's really nice because it's not just me,
0:35:18 > 0:35:21it happens all over the place with lots of people.
0:35:21 > 0:35:25Yeah, and they're very alike, kids, in the way they react at home
0:35:25 > 0:35:29and the things that we have to deal with are virtually the same.
0:35:31 > 0:35:35And after a day focusing on Chloe, Cathy and Beano have had to face the
0:35:35 > 0:35:38reality of having their two younger kids back for the evening meal.
0:35:38 > 0:35:42It was more stressful because Orla and Rhys was there.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44I felt stressful, it's like I am at home anyway.
0:35:46 > 0:35:47I can't sit down to eat anything
0:35:47 > 0:35:52because I'm too worried what they're doing,
0:35:52 > 0:35:54but it's more embarrassing than anything
0:35:54 > 0:35:57because there's other people around the tables.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59(He went up by himself!)
0:36:03 > 0:36:06But Chloe was amazing, I just couldn't believe it,
0:36:06 > 0:36:09the way that she sat and she ate, and I kept reassuring her,
0:36:09 > 0:36:12"Taste it, taste it." She did and she ate it.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16After just one day away from home,
0:36:16 > 0:36:20that's not the only positive thing Cathy's noticed about Chloe.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23Her joining in with the other kids is brilliant.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26They're total strangers and she's just put herself right in there.
0:36:26 > 0:36:30Before she could never associate with people her own age,
0:36:30 > 0:36:33it was always adults, but she is gradually,
0:36:33 > 0:36:36and the medication's helping as well.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38I'm going to sit and talk to her the night,
0:36:38 > 0:36:40going to try and mark my time, you know,
0:36:40 > 0:36:43maybe 15-20 minutes before she goes to bed, speak to her
0:36:43 > 0:36:47about how the day went, how does she feel about everybody else here.
0:36:47 > 0:36:51I'm going to try anyway. If she doesn't, I'll not push her.
0:36:51 > 0:36:56But hopefully, that's what I'm here for, to see if she will open up.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00With the washing up still to be done, Siobhan's not sure
0:37:00 > 0:37:04that the teens' earlier agreement to the rules will be honoured.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06At home they don't stick by anything they agree to,
0:37:06 > 0:37:08so we'll see does it work here.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13If we can get them back, of course.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17The dishwashing team has been rounded up,
0:37:17 > 0:37:19but Siobhan can't quite trust them
0:37:19 > 0:37:22to do it properly without instruction.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25Dishes first. Scrape everything in there.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33Haven't a clue what they're doing!
0:37:33 > 0:37:35Haven't a clue!
0:37:35 > 0:37:37"Is this water?!"
0:37:37 > 0:37:39Would you not like to get the dishes?
0:37:41 > 0:37:42Yes.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Josh usually doesn't even like getting his hands wet!
0:37:50 > 0:37:52Ciara, get closer to the bin.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55Get closer to the bin and stuff won't go on the floor.
0:37:57 > 0:37:58Don't criticise!
0:38:00 > 0:38:03It's nice to find that common ground, you know,
0:38:03 > 0:38:08that you're not the only one who has difficulties with teenagers.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11Cos sometimes when you're alone, you can think,
0:38:11 > 0:38:14"Boy, I must be a really bad mother,
0:38:14 > 0:38:17"for my children to behave like this!"
0:38:19 > 0:38:21It's common enough.
0:38:21 > 0:38:24Next time, can the families work as teams?
0:38:24 > 0:38:26There's no point getting cross with people!
0:38:26 > 0:38:28No, you're rubbish! That's enough!
0:38:28 > 0:38:30Tempers start to flare.
0:38:30 > 0:38:31It seems to be all about you!
0:38:31 > 0:38:33Wouldn't be me, it's nothing to do with us...
0:38:33 > 0:38:35we're not on no diets, are we?!
0:38:35 > 0:38:38There are tears, triumphs...
0:38:38 > 0:38:40- Save me! - ..and total resignation.
0:38:40 > 0:38:41(Ohh, teenagers!)
0:38:44 > 0:38:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd