0:00:02 > 0:00:07What happens to our cute kids? One minute they're sweet and adorable...
0:00:07 > 0:00:10and before you know it they have morphed into moody teenagers...
0:00:10 > 0:00:14- It's useless.- ..struggling with the challenges of adolescence...
0:00:14 > 0:00:16INDISTINCT ARGUING
0:00:16 > 0:00:19..leaving their parents wondering exactly where did they go wrong?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21SHOUTING
0:00:22 > 0:00:24The situation is bad enough.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28You just said you weren't hungry! What do you mean you don't know?
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- You know exactly what you're doing, Chloe.- Hey, hey!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Rachel...
0:00:33 > 0:00:36These three families are suffering serious teen trouble.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Desperate for change, they've signed up for a week-long retreat
0:00:41 > 0:00:43away from their usual routines and home comforts
0:00:43 > 0:00:46in a bid to turn their lives around.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50The location, Newcastle, County Down, where an expert team awaits.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Together they will push them to their limits...
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- We're supposed to be doing this together.- I don't care.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00..in an attempt to rebuild their confidence
0:01:00 > 0:01:02and their relationships.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04But can they step up to the challenge
0:01:04 > 0:01:08- and grasp this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity? - SHOUTING
0:01:42 > 0:01:46So far on the retreat, work has been intense...
0:01:46 > 0:01:50- I don't want to be treated like this. - I just feel as if it's all my fault now.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I can't do all of it at once.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56- ..sometimes rewarding...- I wanted to do that, get the aggro out of you.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00- ..and rarely dull. - There we go, we got it.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Mum Cathy and stepdad Beano
0:02:02 > 0:02:05are here to tackle Chloe's ever-worsening behaviour.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- I showed it to you yesterday. - You did not show it to me yesterday.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Did you sign the daybook?
0:02:09 > 0:02:13With younger brother and sister Rhys and Orla around
0:02:13 > 0:02:16and the fact that Chloe and stepdad Beano often don't get on,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19home life is hectic.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I can't take it.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24They have their daddy here and I don't know where mine is.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27But already this week there are big signs of progress between the two of them.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30THEY LAUGH
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Between Siobhan and middle daughter Ciara
0:02:34 > 0:02:36there is little or no communication.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- What are you doing now? - Washing my hands!
0:02:38 > 0:02:41And things here haven't been a whole lot better.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45- Come with me and do this. - Shut up.- Ciara!
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Shocked to find out what Ciara really thinks of her...
0:02:48 > 0:02:51I didn't realise how fake she thought I could be.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52..Siobhan is facing up to the fact
0:02:52 > 0:02:55that she is a big part of the problem.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Constant fighting between sisters Naomi and Rachel
0:02:57 > 0:03:01forced mum Andrea to give up her bedroom to keep them apart.
0:03:01 > 0:03:06It's only a three-bedroom house, so I sleep down here on the sofa,
0:03:06 > 0:03:07for about a year now.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11She's always complaining about it, like it's uncomfortable and stuff,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13but it keeps me and Rachel from fighting.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Joshua has a ringside view of his sisters' extreme behaviour.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20They know what they're doing,
0:03:20 > 0:03:22it's just that they don't know how to control themselves.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26- And this week has not been without its issues.- What is the big deal?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Last night, halfway through the week, there was a surprising
0:03:31 > 0:03:34change of mood which caught everyone a bit off guard.
0:03:34 > 0:03:40I just want to be, like, nicer to everyone.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42So it'll be easier for everyone else.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Past the midway point in the week now,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55and the mood in the cabins is reflective.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Siobhan and Ciara have had something of a breakthrough.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Around the campfire last night was very good.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07She just said she wanted to be happy,
0:04:07 > 0:04:14so it's up to herself and me and the whole family to try and get there.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Feeling settled into life here, the Crillys would happily stay.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23- You were good this morning.- Kind of sad it's coming to an end, though.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26We've kind of developed like a neighbourhood here
0:04:26 > 0:04:29and this has become a daily routine
0:04:29 > 0:04:31and it's going to be just as hard to leave here
0:04:31 > 0:04:34as it was to come here in the beginning.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38And Cathy feel surprised at how different things feel already.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39We come here a few days,
0:04:39 > 0:04:43and for the work myself and Beano and Chloe has put in,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46the results... We're not fixed,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49but from last Friday we're a changed family.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53The three of us have changed. As people.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55And it's that change that these families need
0:04:55 > 0:04:58to improve their relationships.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01It's become very clear that it's not simply down to the teens
0:05:01 > 0:05:04to change their behaviour, it's the adults too.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Today's sessions are an opportunity for the parents
0:05:07 > 0:05:09to expand on the positive mood.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16As parents, sometimes most valuable advice is the most practical advice.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18So for that we've brought in another expert,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Pip Jaffa, who runs Parenting NI,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22and what she's going to do is really work with the families
0:05:22 > 0:05:25to give them those practical parenting strategies
0:05:25 > 0:05:27that I think they really need.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- The generation seems to have changed so much.- Yes.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33From our generation to our children's generation.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- We would never, never have disrespected our parents.- Right.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39And one of the interesting things about respect
0:05:39 > 0:05:42is that if you want it - and we all want to be respected -
0:05:42 > 0:05:44is that we have to give it.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46And teenagers look for that.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Most of the time, it's just rows. Nobody is respecting anybody else.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52People are saying horrible things to each other most of the time.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Yes, I can see exactly what you're saying there,
0:05:55 > 0:06:00because if we're all constantly at each other's throats, you know...
0:06:00 > 0:06:04I'm not giving them respect either. And they're not giving it back.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06And when there are a lot of rows,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08it's very difficult to break that cycle.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12It's trying to get a little chink where we can say
0:06:12 > 0:06:16they've done something nice or something good.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20If I said to you, Cathy, what have you noticed recently
0:06:20 > 0:06:25that Chloe has done that is good or you were pleased with?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28We've come here. Definitely. There's a change.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32She still has her wee moments, like, but I'm not pushing.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35And that sounds as if YOU'VE made a change.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39- Yeah.- Which is so good. And if you make a change,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42then the child or the teenager begins to change too.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47It's simple, reassuring advice. Parenting teens is tough,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50but taking a firm lead is the first step to harmony at home.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56And channelling the teenagers' energy into something fun
0:06:56 > 0:06:58and constructive is a great way of relieving tensions.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01This week's activities aim to build self-confidence,
0:07:01 > 0:07:05which is essential for these teens who have come here
0:07:05 > 0:07:09believing that they are the cause of their families' problems.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Waterproofs, check.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Lifejackets, check.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18It's time to hit the water.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19SQUEALING
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Leading this canoeing mission
0:07:24 > 0:07:27is outdoors activities expert Ian Bailey.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30We've got to turn left, we've got to turn left. Look at that!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Very nice, very nice.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Keep going, keep going, keep going!
0:07:34 > 0:07:35SQUEALING
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Stop!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Back a bit, back a bit, back a bit.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42We'll head for the steps.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Pulling together as a team like this is a relief
0:07:45 > 0:07:47from the problems and pressures of home life.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Do you think this week's making any kind of difference for you?
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Yeah, we are actually getting on better here than we would at home.
0:07:54 > 0:07:59- So it's different.- Class! How about yourself, Chloe?- I don't know.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- I notice you get on better with your mum and Beano.- Yeah. It's true.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06There's not as much tension between everyone.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Reverse, reverse!
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Away from the watchful eyes of their parents,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15the teenagers are able to be themselves
0:08:15 > 0:08:17and behave as any self-respecting teen would,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20given a lake and a paddle.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22LAUGHTER AND SQUEALING
0:08:25 > 0:08:27It's a far cry from the conflicts at home.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Since becoming a teenager,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Ciara has found it increasingly difficult to relate to her mum.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35We don't have the best relationship.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Communication can be very poor at times.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Ciara? - I'm going to bed before I go out.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- You're going to bed?! - Before I go out, yeah!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48You couldn't imagine being able to talk to me?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I could talk to you if I wanted to, but I don't.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Clearly, Ciara doesn't respond well to Siobhan's current approach.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Perhaps parenting expert Pip will be able to help.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Obviously my children actually do think
0:09:02 > 0:09:05that I don't really have that much interest
0:09:05 > 0:09:09in what they're doing, which isn't true, of course.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12But I mustn't give them that feeling
0:09:12 > 0:09:15that they CAN come to me with just everything.
0:09:15 > 0:09:21- So that sounds like something that you could maybe work on a bit.- Yeah.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24"I don't think I'm supporting you in the right way.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26"What way would you like that support?"
0:09:26 > 0:09:29So they come back to tell you
0:09:29 > 0:09:33what it is you could do in the way that suits them.
0:09:33 > 0:09:38I thought about giving the girls individual time with me
0:09:38 > 0:09:40on their own.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Because really because of all the difficulties with Ciara,
0:09:43 > 0:09:48she has been getting most of my attention.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51And everything's been revolving around what's going on with her,
0:09:51 > 0:09:55and it's affecting the other two girls, you know.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00And that way they would all have sort of time with me on their own.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Already Siobhan has identified practical steps she can take
0:10:03 > 0:10:04to bring her family together.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07And it will be the same kind of practical steps
0:10:07 > 0:10:10which could benefit Cathy and Beano.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Chloe has said she often feels unfairly blamed
0:10:13 > 0:10:15and would like less shouting in the house.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17SHOUTING
0:10:19 > 0:10:21No! That's enough! Enough is enough!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24And then look at the whole ruckus, Chloe.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26You know exactly what you're doing, Chloe.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Though Cathy and Beano are often at a loss
0:10:29 > 0:10:31as to how to handle Chloe, short of shouting.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Straight-talking Pip will tackle this head-on.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39The one issue we're going to try and sort out is stopping shooting.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45- This is a big ask.- It's the only way that we can get through to Chloe.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- But you're not getting through, Cathy, it's not working.- I know.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53Now I know, because through the week, I'm realising that.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Could you say something to her like,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58"Do you want to take yourself up to your room for five minutes,
0:10:58 > 0:10:59"and when you are calmer, come down?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01"I see you're angry. I hear you're angry.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04"When you come down," you know, "I'm not talking to you
0:11:04 > 0:11:05"when you're shooting."
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I would usually do that, but she gets worse.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11And at that point, Cathy, if you can say...nothing.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15A very strong message - "I'm not talking to you when you're shouting.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18"Take yourself off, and when you calm down, I'll talk to you."
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Cos this shouting is the thing
0:11:20 > 0:11:24that seems to be creating a lot of upset in the house.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26It is.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29So it's a bit about giving yourself the badge to say "I am in charge."
0:11:29 > 0:11:34"I am a parent and I am in charge." One last sort of thought.
0:11:34 > 0:11:39What do you do together that's fun? Can we be thinking maybe of that?
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- We'll go to bingo or something. - There you go! There you go!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46It's a familiar message -
0:11:46 > 0:11:48life should be fun, at least some of the time.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50And Amanda's got something planned for the parents
0:11:50 > 0:11:52as a reward for their morning's work.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56One of the activities we've got here at Greenhill is a zip wire.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01A very zip wire. So I'm going to let all the adults have a shot.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03It might work, it might fall flat on its face, I don't know,
0:12:03 > 0:12:04but it's going to be good to see.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Embracing everything that's been throughout this week,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- Cathy is looking invincible. - I'm going first.- You're going first?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16It's going to be brilliant.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Clip this metal thing to your chest.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Deep breaths, Cathy, bend your knees. Step forward and away you go.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24That's it. Excellent.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Yee-ha!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37I'm coming back.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Magic!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- What's your name?- Andrea.- Andrea, OK.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Pretty easy. This is just to stop you leaving the platform.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Fourth-best thing that could have happened to me.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Apart from the three children.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Just step. You just bend your knees slightly.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55He taps you on the head and just... away you go.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08I know you're afraid of heights, Beano, you know what I mean?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10See once you get to the top...?
0:13:10 > 0:13:15I'm not even thinking of it, I'll be thinking about the ground.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- What was it like?- Terrible.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23I've have done this a load of times before, it's not a problem.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- All right?- Not to be outdone by the women, he's off.
0:13:35 > 0:13:40- Everybody's afraid of something. - They are. That really scared me.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45I am so brave, aren't I, standing down there watching them, laughing.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- You're fine. Just take your time. - Last up is Siobhan.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54And she's loving it!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56SQUEALING
0:13:56 > 0:13:57LAUGHTER
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Back at base, it's time for the team's group session
0:14:05 > 0:14:07with clinical psychologist Dr Rachel Andrew.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Six different colours of sand represent six different emotions.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Rachel wants the teams to think about how they actually feel
0:14:14 > 0:14:16when they're having a serious argument,
0:14:16 > 0:14:18that they're not simply angry,
0:14:18 > 0:14:21and show that potentially complex mixture of emotions
0:14:21 > 0:14:24by layering the sand in jars.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27So we've got some jars of emotions there.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Who wants to just talk me through theirs...
0:14:31 > 0:14:33first of all?
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Mine's, I tried to level the sadness with anger,
0:14:37 > 0:14:43then it, like, leads to frustration and annoyed as well.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46And so, when your emotions are like that,
0:14:46 > 0:14:49what sort of things are you likely to do?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52If it's between me and Rachel, like, lash out and hit,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55because I'm frustrated and angry.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Because Naomi and Rachel's endless arguments
0:14:57 > 0:14:59take up so much of their mum's time,
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Josh often feels there's little time left for him.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Naomi takes up a lot of time with Mum
0:15:06 > 0:15:08and Rachel would take...
0:15:10 > 0:15:14..other things and, obviously I would take what's left of it,
0:15:14 > 0:15:16but Mum has, which is still a fair bit, but then,
0:15:16 > 0:15:21- I still feel like I get the remains of what's left of everything.- Ah.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Rachel used to go round the house,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26saying Mum loved Josh more than she loved us
0:15:26 > 0:15:29and he gets more attention than anybody.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- I used to say it.- Yes, you just... - Not any more, for a long time.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Oh, whatever.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36SHE SIGHS
0:15:36 > 0:15:40When you argue at home, does it sound like this?
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Louder.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Louder, OK.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Because I was going to say I think you're doing a great job
0:15:45 > 0:15:47of just discussing this.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I can see all of these emotions coming up
0:15:50 > 0:15:52whilst you're talking about something
0:15:52 > 0:15:55that's a really sensitive issue for all of you.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Tell me about your jar, then.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Um, I get frustrated with fights.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04But then I get, like, really annoyed.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Sometimes I think the fights are not needed,
0:16:07 > 0:16:12or some of the crying's not needed, or... But people are saying
0:16:12 > 0:16:16I'm just stupid and then I'm getting really angry with that.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Right.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22So in your jar, you've got only a little bit of sadness in there.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26I'm more, like angry and annoyed than I would say sad,
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- in an argument. - And when your jar's full like that,
0:16:30 > 0:16:34then what types of things would we see you do?
0:16:34 > 0:16:39Sometimes I'd just crack up and go mental and start throwing things...
0:16:39 > 0:16:43And for you, Chloe, were there things that Josh and Naomi
0:16:43 > 0:16:46and Rachel and even Ciara have said that you think,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48well, that's a bit like me?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Well, it could be that way, but me too, because I do,
0:16:52 > 0:16:56for a while... throw things off walls and...
0:16:57 > 0:17:00..kick things and punch them.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01And in terms of your jar...
0:17:03 > 0:17:08..it's just a whole lot of confusion, you just feel confused?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11When you do it, but then you calm down and you don't even remember it.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Right.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16'For Chloe, her jar says it all.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19'It's just a load of confusion.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22'What I'm wondering with Chloe is if it just will take, really'
0:17:22 > 0:17:27a bit more work for her to try to understand the situation she's in.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Now 13, Chloe was diagnosed
0:17:30 > 0:17:32with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
0:17:32 > 0:17:34when she was six.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Rachel wants to help Chloe feel more in control of her own behaviour.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44I suppose when I've met young people who've got ADHD,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46sometimes they find it hard to concentrate
0:17:46 > 0:17:49and they're a bit impulsive,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51so they might think of doing something
0:17:51 > 0:17:53and just do it straight away.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- And talking about different things and all?- Yes.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59I was wondering about this as an idea.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Some traffic lights.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Right.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Because what I think sometimes happens is you go straight away
0:18:08 > 0:18:10from wanting to do something to doing it.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13So the traffic lights stand for different things.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16The red one being...
0:18:17 > 0:18:20..stop. This one is for...
0:18:20 > 0:18:22thinking.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25So, say when you next feel angry,
0:18:25 > 0:18:27this would pop into your head,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30just stop for a minute.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Have a think about what it is that you're going to do next.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39And then make a choice about what you're going to do.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44Say your mum said something to you and she wound you up,
0:18:44 > 0:18:46you might be thinking, right, stop.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50What am I going to do about it?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53And what would be your choices, do you think?
0:18:54 > 0:18:58- Be cheeky because she's cheeky back to me.- Mm-hm.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01I guess there'd be some other choices in there.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03You could ignore...
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Or, do as you're told?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- I get the point. - LAUGHS
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Next time you feel you're going to lose your temper and be cheeky,
0:19:13 > 0:19:17just to think of this, stop sign.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18I just want you to try
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- to put in a couple of seconds where you have a think about it.- Right.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29Getting to know Chloe over the week, Rachel Andrew has another idea
0:19:29 > 0:19:32which might just help improve Chloe's behaviour.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I'm going to go down now and see Cathy.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36I'm going to give her a chart
0:19:36 > 0:19:39and what I'm hoping that chart will do is put the whole family
0:19:39 > 0:19:43on red-alert for the changes that Chloe wants to make.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46I'm just hoping by them praising Chloe and encouraging her,
0:19:46 > 0:19:50that's really just going... going to help Chloe along
0:19:50 > 0:19:54and really help her achieve the goals that she's set herself.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- Hiya, Cathy.- Hi, Rachel.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- When I talked to Chloe...- Yeah.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03..she'd said that, by the end of the week,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05she wanted to be a bit calmer,
0:20:05 > 0:20:07she wanted to be helpful,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09she wanted to talk nicely to people,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- and she wanted to listen more.- Right.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15And what I wanted to do is really put you, as a family,
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- on red-alert for that...- Right.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20..for any of these four things,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24with the idea that it will encourage Chloe to do it more,
0:20:24 > 0:20:28the more people are noticing and saying, "Oh, I noticed you were calmer."
0:20:28 > 0:20:32- Yeah.- Or, "You've been really helpful there, Chloe."
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Each time you notice Chloe doing one of these things,
0:20:35 > 0:20:40- you let her know, and then just add a star to the sky, here.- Right.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Just there, so that when Chloe comes in,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46she'll be able to notice the amount of stars that's gone on it.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Yeah, I think so. So, I'll leave the stars with you, then,
0:20:50 > 0:20:54- and you can explain it to Chloe, as well.- No bother. Thank you, Rachel.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Chloe's stepdad, Beano, is with clinical psychologist Raman,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00reflecting on his own behaviour
0:21:00 > 0:21:03and making a revelation which Raman believes
0:21:03 > 0:21:07could be having a huge impact on his relationship with Chloe.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10There have been some times, she might have done something wrong,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13and I've roared at her, do what I mean?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16That's how, maybe, Chloe felt distance,
0:21:16 > 0:21:20because she was scared when I roared, or something.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24I did say, "Chloe, I'm only looking out for you, love.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27"Do you know what I mean? I'm not a big, bad wolf, or something.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30"I'm only there to help you."
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I've got my own flat, and at times, I just said,
0:21:33 > 0:21:35"I've had enough," and I've went over to the flat
0:21:35 > 0:21:39and just sat there, drinking, you know what I mean?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- So, your flat, really, is your escape hatch?- Yeah.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47And then I've got my daughter and my granddaughter living in the flat.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Oh, you have a family from other...
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- Past relationships.- Ah. Right.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57So there would be lots of things for Chloe to be jealous about, with you?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01I can't say jealous, because my daughter...
0:22:01 > 0:22:06my older daughter treats Chloe, anyway, as her younger sister,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09things like that,
0:22:09 > 0:22:14and they would come up, anyway, to the house, you know? So...
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Even just, I guess, in terms of helping you manage Chloe
0:22:18 > 0:22:22when you go back home, I think one of the things
0:22:22 > 0:22:27is keeping in mind that Chloe has maybe lots of reasons
0:22:27 > 0:22:31to see you in a completely different light
0:22:31 > 0:22:34to how you're positioning yourself.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37You want to be her father and you want to give her the best,
0:22:37 > 0:22:39but from her point of view,
0:22:39 > 0:22:42she's got to share you with so many people,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45so she's got a lot of stuff going on there
0:22:45 > 0:22:49before she can come out and relate to you properly.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53It will take a while... It might never happen.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55It might never happen.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59But as long as she knows, like, I was there.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05With Beano beginning to understand how Chloe might feel,
0:23:05 > 0:23:10he is one step closer to building a better relationship with her.
0:23:10 > 0:23:15While the adults are being encouraged to face up to their parenting duties,
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Dr Rachel Andrew is keen that sisters Naomi and Rachel
0:23:17 > 0:23:20take responsibility for THEIR behaviour,
0:23:20 > 0:23:23and she's got footage shot by their brother Josh to help.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I wanted to meet with the two of you, together,
0:23:26 > 0:23:30because it seemed like the difficulties with your relationship
0:23:30 > 0:23:34are having a knock-on effect into the whole family,
0:23:34 > 0:23:40and I wanted to start by showing you the two of you arguing,
0:23:40 > 0:23:44and for you to give me your thoughts about it.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50'You see, I have my problems,
0:23:50 > 0:23:53'I'm stressed, and Michael says...
0:23:53 > 0:23:55'Settle down.'
0:23:55 > 0:23:58THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:23:58 > 0:24:00'Rachel, she's very stressed.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01'Oh, my gosh.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03'I'm sticking to my...'
0:24:03 > 0:24:05SHE SOBS
0:24:05 > 0:24:07- Shall we stop?- Yeah.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11It seemed that there was a moment, watching that,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14when you could have made a choice to leave,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17but you were choosing to stay at the table instead.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Because I wanted to talk her out,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23like, to figure out why I wasn't allowed to stay.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Rachel always has to be in... When I'm talking about my problems,
0:24:27 > 0:24:30or being stressed out, Rachel always has to come in
0:24:30 > 0:24:34and sit down and listen to everything I have to say.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37It's just the way you reacted when I sat down.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40All you had to do was say. You didn't have to shout and cry.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Yeah, because every time you do come in, you make faces
0:24:42 > 0:24:46and you make comments and you tell me to wise up,
0:24:46 > 0:24:49and that's exactly why I didn't want you to come in and sit down.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- I wasn't even going to do that.- You DID do it, Rachel.- I didn't do it.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- You did.- I came in and sat down and didn't even speak.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59I said in the video, "Stop pulling faces."
0:24:59 > 0:25:02You would like Naomi to try to calm things down a bit?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Yeah, everything's such a big deal, and it's not.
0:25:04 > 0:25:09I get so upset, I don't know what to do to calm myself down,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12so I end up just screaming or punching stuff,
0:25:12 > 0:25:14or something like that.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18But why does someone get on like that? Over such small things?
0:25:18 > 0:25:23Hmm. I was wondering if that's kind of how it is for you both, in life.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Maybe, over these next days to come, then,
0:25:27 > 0:25:32we look out for Naomi being a bit calmer.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34If you notice Naomi being a bit calmer,
0:25:34 > 0:25:39I think it would be great if you could let her know that you've noticed that.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43And then, I guess, if they are times when you're feeling stressed,
0:25:43 > 0:25:48if you were able to say to Rachel, "I need some time on my own,"
0:25:48 > 0:25:54and if you say that, and you then notice Rachel going along with what you've said,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57you might tell her how much you appreciated that.
0:25:57 > 0:26:03So maybe we just see how those things go along over the next few days.
0:26:06 > 0:26:11- CATHY:- Do you know, this is priceless, what we've had this week, priceless.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14We'll never probably get this opportunity again. Never.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18I've learnt a lot about myself, I've learnt a lot about Beano,
0:26:18 > 0:26:21and I've certainly learned a lot about my daughter.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- But now we are in control. - Yeah, that's the difference.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28You know that's true, we are in control.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33- I'm not going to let Chloe be in control of me.- Mm-hm.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37She has to learn that, when she does wrong,
0:26:37 > 0:26:40there has to be consequences.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44It'll be parenting time when we go back,
0:26:44 > 0:26:48and not rushing into things.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50It'll just be friends so far.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I'm making a bit progress myself, I can feel.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Everything that happens is about me and Ciara,
0:26:57 > 0:27:01and the other two are sort of pushed to the sidelines and left out of it,
0:27:01 > 0:27:07so I need to try and break that cycle between Ciara and I,
0:27:07 > 0:27:11and concentrate more on the family as the four of us,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13instead of just me and Ciara.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20You know, they have to start taking responsibility
0:27:20 > 0:27:24for what they do, how they treat each other.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27THEY CHEER
0:27:27 > 0:27:32'..but they can be together, and they have to manage that.
0:27:32 > 0:27:39'You know, I suppose, for me, it's remembering to use my head more,
0:27:39 > 0:27:43'rather than them leading me round by my emotions.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48'We need to feel a sense of achievement sometimes, too,
0:27:48 > 0:27:52'because teenagers are very good at making you feel like a failure,
0:27:52 > 0:27:56'and where do we get our sense of achievement from?
0:27:56 > 0:27:59'How do WE feel good about ourselves?'
0:28:07 > 0:28:12Next time, it's back to square one for Naomi and Rachel.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14- I'm not trying to be. - But you are trying.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17You're trying your frickin' damnedest to put me down.
0:28:18 > 0:28:24- Chloe scaled new heights... - Come on, Chloe.- Ohhh!- Come on!
0:28:24 > 0:28:26..and Siobhan bares her soul.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30Because I really want it to work. I want things to get better.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd