0:00:03 > 0:00:09The glamorous wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana in 1981
0:00:09 > 0:00:12was a powerful symbol of love and marriage,
0:00:12 > 0:00:14yet their subsequent divorce
0:00:14 > 0:00:18showed that in modern Britain it was individual choice, not social convention,
0:00:18 > 0:00:21that determined whether a marriage survived.
0:00:23 > 0:00:29I had huge expectations of what married life was going to be like,
0:00:29 > 0:00:32and it very quickly felt extremely disappointing.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37I had the wedding that I wanted.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41I had the husband that I wanted, but I didn't have the friendship.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48With divorce an everyday reality for one in three,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51remarriage offered new hope for lasting love.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I think the final realization for Lynn was
0:00:55 > 0:00:58when I got down on one knee and presented her with the ring.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Is this guy serious? This guy's not mucking about.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04This guy's committed to this and he wants this.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Cos the answer was no, the relationship was over.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12I got lucky.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15But what if you came to England and met me
0:01:15 > 0:01:17and I was an absolute harridan?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Oh, I learnt that later, dear.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22But no, I mean...
0:01:22 > 0:01:26That, you deal with.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29That's the answer to the question of why a marriage works.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Cos you deal with things.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37This is the story of five couples who struggled to hold on to romance
0:01:37 > 0:01:41in a world where marriages are as easy to end as they are to start.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45All would be pushed to the limit.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Welcome to marriage in the age of divorce.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Couples coming of age in 1980s Britain looked to the future
0:02:06 > 0:02:11in a society with greater individual choice than ever before.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13# Though I live on the edge time is one my side
0:02:13 > 0:02:19# All the doors to my life are open wide... #
0:02:21 > 0:02:25A new generation of young women were now using their education
0:02:25 > 0:02:28to win more opportunities in the jobs market.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Their growing financial independence gave many a very different
0:02:31 > 0:02:33expectation of marriage to their mothers.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Working-class girl Lynn Warne had grown up in the shadow
0:02:45 > 0:02:48of Swan Hunter's shipyard, in Wallsend, Newcastle.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52We used to go up at weekends and chat to fellas.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55And when I was growing up and finding the wrong ones,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I used to think, "Oh, a right wimp.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02"Go away. I don't like you young boys."
0:03:02 > 0:03:04And then I think they must have been frightened of me
0:03:04 > 0:03:08being so independent in my own job and my own money.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13I'm all right by myself. I'm not... I'm just enjoying me life.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I don't want to be tied down.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22In the early 1980s, change was in the air.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25As young women established themselves in careers
0:03:25 > 0:03:28and on the shop floor, there was a shift in some men's attitude
0:03:28 > 0:03:30towards domestic chores and childcare.
0:03:32 > 0:03:38Liberated new men and new fathers began their marriages with high hopes.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Divorce was the last thing on their minds.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46In 1981, David Robertson was a recently married vicar
0:03:46 > 0:03:50at St George's church in Ovenden, north Halifax.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55My wife took a career break to have our first child.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57We then followed up with our second child.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59And as we got into the swing of it,
0:03:59 > 0:04:03we followed up with our third child and as we were now
0:04:03 > 0:04:06pretty good at it, we then finished off with our fourth.
0:04:07 > 0:04:12And I believe very firmly then that it is appropriate for fathers
0:04:12 > 0:04:16to be as involved in the upbringing of the children as mothers.
0:04:16 > 0:04:22Because I was at that time a vicar and able to plan my own day,
0:04:22 > 0:04:27it enabled my wife to return to work and to concentrate on work.
0:04:27 > 0:04:32It enabled me to develop a relationship with the children also.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36We both felt that it was a good way of modelling family.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40MUSIC: "Red Red Wine" by UB40
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Change was also happening within Britain's ethnic communities.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Many second generation
0:04:49 > 0:04:53sons and daughters were forming their own ideas about love,
0:04:53 > 0:04:57in defiance of the arranged marriages expected by their parents.
0:04:59 > 0:05:05At the age of eight, Mo Chaudry's family moved from Pakistan to Luton.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10By 1983, he would be studying sport at the Polytechnic in Stoke.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Between the age of 15 and 18 I started to change a lot.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19I became very much non-cultural. Very much westernized.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21All of my friends were English.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25So it kind of opened my eyes up to the bigger world, really
0:05:25 > 0:05:28and I realized that actually I wanted to do things
0:05:28 > 0:05:30with my life and do my own thing.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36There was kind of talk about marriage
0:05:36 > 0:05:41and of course, generally, the Asian culture is that you marry...
0:05:41 > 0:05:47It's an arranged marriage with somebody in the extended family.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Although I don't recall saying to my mum and dad,
0:05:50 > 0:05:53no. I'm not going to have an arranged marriage, I think
0:05:53 > 0:05:57they could tell from body language that I was a little bit different.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05A night out clubbing was a popular way to find romance
0:06:05 > 0:06:09and more young people were finding love across the racial divide.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Architectural engineer Ann Fishwick grew up in the Potteries.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18After one February night out in 1983, her life would never be
0:06:18 > 0:06:20the same again.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24I met Mo at a nightclub that is no longer in Stoke-on-Trent
0:06:24 > 0:06:25called The Place.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27And he was actually bouncing there.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29He was a bouncer on the door
0:06:29 > 0:06:34and I'd just gone out with a group of friends for the night
0:06:34 > 0:06:39and uh, just... It's quite funny really, cos I'd told my close friend
0:06:39 > 0:06:43that he was quite nice and she went and told him.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I was just doing my job and I was approached by somebody,
0:06:46 > 0:06:50and they said there's a young lady who wants to have a chat with you and meet you.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55I said OK, fine. I went along and I actually went to the wrong lady.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58That was a bit embarrassing, so I'll never live that down, will I?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03It was a nice steady relationship
0:07:03 > 0:07:08and even though with the different backgrounds, it worked well.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11We worked well from day one, really. Got on very well.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Both as friends and as a proper relationship as well.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24By the '80s, the pill and the permissive society
0:07:24 > 0:07:28meant men and women didn't have to marry to have a sexual relationship.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Many loving couples chose to live together -
0:07:32 > 0:07:34cohabitation instead of marriage.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37It carried no stigma and it was easy.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40And by keeping parents at arms' length,
0:07:40 > 0:07:43it helped couples from different racial backgrounds.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47I had a car, an old banger,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50and she helped me transport my belongings from my bedsit,
0:07:50 > 0:07:54and...and I think, you know, she'll disagree with it,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57but she ends up staying, and I'm thinking, "Hang on a minute!"
0:07:57 > 0:08:00And all of a sudden we started living together
0:08:00 > 0:08:03and literally life has just moved on that basis.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05It just seemed so natural.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09My sisters and my brothers all married very early
0:08:09 > 0:08:13and, unfortunately, all their first marriages didn't work
0:08:13 > 0:08:17and I think that probably put me off from settling down too early.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21The couple lived together very happily for four years
0:08:21 > 0:08:23when Ann came to a decision.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27It came to the point where I wanted to start a family and that was
0:08:27 > 0:08:31when we started talking about getting married.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34And that's the way it progressed, really.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37No, I didn't actually have a proposal off him.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40So I decided, impulsively, like I always do.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42I said, "All right, then.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44"If you want to get married, let's go get married in Malta."
0:08:44 > 0:08:48That's how it was. It wasn't a common thing then.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51But it was actually a way for us to be able to do our own thing,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54follow our own convictions, without having to have,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I suppose, the problems
0:08:57 > 0:09:00and baggage of the two different cultures meeting up at that time.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03You know, I didn't want to make it any more difficult for us,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05and our respective families
0:09:05 > 0:09:08and probably more so my family, you know, who are more traditional.
0:09:08 > 0:09:13It was nice for my side of the family because I got the ring on my finger
0:09:13 > 0:09:16and I was married woman in their eyes.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17As far as Mo and I were concerned,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20we'd probably been married four years previously
0:09:20 > 0:09:24as a married couple anyway, so it didn't really change anything.
0:09:24 > 0:09:29It just didn't really make me feel any different to how I felt
0:09:29 > 0:09:31when we were originally living together.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42In the 1980s, choosing when to marry
0:09:42 > 0:09:46became much more a matter of individual preference.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Surveys revealed women wanted greater emotional intimacy
0:09:49 > 0:09:52in the marriage relationship.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56And if it didn't work out, couples got divorced.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58For the first time in British history,
0:09:58 > 0:10:02a third of marriages would fail within 15 years.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Divorce was now an everyday reality.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Clearly a happy marriage that rested solely on love
0:10:09 > 0:10:12was hard to make last a lifetime.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Guitarist Robert Fripp saw many marriages succumb to infidelity
0:10:18 > 0:10:22and excess in the hedonistic world of rock music.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25He enjoyed great success internationally as a solo artist
0:10:25 > 0:10:27and with his group King Crimson.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35In 1984, his views on marriage were very clear.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I had a very fulfilling, creative,
0:10:45 > 0:10:49successful professional and musical life
0:10:49 > 0:10:51and I was very happy as a bachelor.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I had no intention of being married,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56actually rather the reverse.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02For me, marriage wasn't something I had to do.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13In June 1985, Robert arranged to meet Toyah Wilcox,
0:11:13 > 0:11:17herself enjoying phenomenal success as a singer and actor.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21# And somewhere on another star
0:11:21 > 0:11:24# A man holds his breath... #
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Their musical worlds were very different
0:11:28 > 0:11:30and they'd only met once before.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33# And he wonders... #
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I asked Toyah if she would help me make a charity record
0:11:36 > 0:11:41for the charity of which I was then a president in West Virginia,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43for their children's school and she said yes,
0:11:43 > 0:11:47and it was while working on that record together...
0:11:47 > 0:11:49HE GASPS
0:11:53 > 0:11:55..she stole my heart.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04Powerfully resonant events never go away.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09And so I leave it with all of you.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Which came out of the open door?
0:12:16 > 0:12:21The lady or the tiger?
0:12:21 > 0:12:26He was known in New York as the red-hot lover. I mean...
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I think he won't mind me saying,
0:12:29 > 0:12:33but, before he met me, he had as many as seven women a day,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36because they just made themselves available to him.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39And then he met me, this complete mess -
0:12:39 > 0:12:42this utter physical and mental mess
0:12:42 > 0:12:45who had had three boyfriends
0:12:45 > 0:12:49and he accepted who and what I was.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53It's funny, thinking about it now,
0:12:53 > 0:12:57I really was incredibly in love with him quite quickly,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00but it was a very different kind of love
0:13:00 > 0:13:06because we talked so deeply and we talked about spirituality as well,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09which to me is incredibly important.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12The bond between us was inseparable.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15The couple were married in Witchampton, Dorset,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18on 16th May, 1986.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Robert and I, we were shaking like leaves,
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I mean, we were both thinking, "Oh, no, this is it."
0:13:26 > 0:13:30You know, it was hard for me to give up my freedom as it was for him.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35I was terrified,
0:13:35 > 0:13:38terrified, that to make a commitment to this person
0:13:38 > 0:13:41that you know is your wife,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44that you adore, is wonderful, makes you laugh,
0:13:44 > 0:13:48is fabulous company - all the rest.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Nevertheless, to stand in front of this
0:13:52 > 0:13:56and say, "I will spend the rest of my life with this woman,"
0:13:56 > 0:13:59that I really don't know very well
0:13:59 > 0:14:01and I don't even know her hit records.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06If I had known the extent of my wife's celebrity,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09probably I would have been frightened off.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I would have been terrified.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15If I'd had seen all her earlier press photos, oh...!
0:14:17 > 0:14:23# Don't fall in love with a free spirit
0:14:23 > 0:14:26# She'll disregard your heart
0:14:26 > 0:14:29# Make you pay for it... #
0:14:31 > 0:14:34The newlyweds were both recording stars,
0:14:34 > 0:14:37but Robert's career commitments in America meant he returned
0:14:37 > 0:14:39to New York every two weeks.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43The frequent separation put a huge strain on their marriage
0:14:43 > 0:14:44from the start.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47I didn't find that easy at all.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51I mean, firstly, you're madly in love with someone.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56The beginning of the relationship is always a hugely sexual
0:14:56 > 0:15:01relationship and I found it very hard to be without him.
0:15:02 > 0:15:09I kept going away and this was very, very hard.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13To begin with, my little lovely would take me to the airport.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Drop me off, but then there would begin tears.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20As I left, closed the car door.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23So I would leave with my wife in tears
0:15:23 > 0:15:25and my wife would go home without me.
0:15:31 > 0:15:37Robert played gigs across America, and ran guitar craft classes in West Virginia.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Far away from Toyah, there were many opportunities for affairs.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51When Robert went away, I do not believe for one minute he was faithful to me.
0:15:51 > 0:15:57He absolutely swears he was, but no, I don't believe he ever was faithful to me.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01For me, when I proposed to Toyah,
0:16:01 > 0:16:09if I'd had any doubts at all of fidelity, I wouldn't have proposed.
0:16:09 > 0:16:14I think, for my wife, who could probably couldn't see
0:16:14 > 0:16:17the commitment I made on the inside,
0:16:17 > 0:16:21it may be, "Oh my, husband is going off on the road."
0:16:21 > 0:16:25She knows the stories of rock groups on the road, all the rest of it.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28For me, it was never an issue. It was never a matter.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31If I'd had any doubt at all, I would simply not have proposed.
0:16:31 > 0:16:37I could never have said to him, "No, you can't go away, you can't travel."
0:16:37 > 0:16:41He just wouldn't tolerate that. He's a completely free human being.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44So I was unhappy, I was incredibly insecure.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48It was not a happy honeymoon period.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51But I wanted to make it work.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Making a commitment to love one another
0:17:04 > 0:17:07for the rest of their lives was a sobering moment for any couple.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Especially in the '80s.
0:17:11 > 0:17:17There were many marrying whose parents had divorced in the '60s and '70s.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Few then realised the lasting effects this could
0:17:20 > 0:17:23have on some children's personalities.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Now these children, and their partners,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29would face the consequences a generation later.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Guards, present arms.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Kate and Harry Benson, a Navy pilot in the Falklands war,
0:17:41 > 0:17:47chose a traditional white wedding, but there was a problem in their relationship from the start.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53I was very excited about getting married.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55I'd spent my whole life wanting to be married.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57I knew he was he right man for me.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59I was really nervous, too,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02because I knew I had almost everything in Harry.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I just didn't have the friendship.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I had enough, obviously, cos we got together, but I was
0:18:07 > 0:18:12definitely frightened, nervous that I could be a bit lonely.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Really mixed feelings.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16CHURCH BELLS RING
0:18:18 > 0:18:20My parents split when I was three.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22I went to boarding school when I was seven
0:18:22 > 0:18:26and the way I dealt with my whole childhood, I had this incredibly privileged childhood,
0:18:26 > 0:18:30but I found it very difficult to relate to people,
0:18:30 > 0:18:35I had very few friends, and the result was that, when I married Kate,
0:18:35 > 0:18:41I had no real idea how to relate to her beyond normal conversation.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46And so there were the odd moments where Kate got very frustrated with me
0:18:46 > 0:18:48because I seemed to be distant and closed,
0:18:48 > 0:18:52which, of course, I was, but clueless about what was going on.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54And so she'd get very cross.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I'd get very confused, I had no idea what was going on.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59So we had these periodic sort of blow-ups.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Harry Benson left the Navy, and the couple moved to the Far East,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10where he became a partner in a stockbroker firm.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18By 1991, they were in Bangkok and had started a family.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23But the deep-seated problem in their marriage remained.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26On the outside, we had the best time ever.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29He'd joined a company that gave him a wonderful package,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32which meant we had a boat to ride around in.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35We had gyms to gym in.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38We had all sorts of allowances and everything
0:19:38 > 0:19:39so we lived the life of Riley.
0:19:42 > 0:19:48I had a loyal, loving husband, who worked hard, he provided.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I could talk to him if I talked about things he was interested in.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56I didn't often feel that he was particularity interested in me.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59And yet, the way he showed that he was interested in me
0:19:59 > 0:20:01was by doing things for me.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04So he would empty the bins or do the washing up.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Or arrange holidays.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08I really needed him to spend time with me
0:20:08 > 0:20:11and that was the last thing he ever wanted to do.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Not because he didn't love me. It isn't the way he's made.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17He used to say, "Look, I'm here, aren't I?"
0:20:17 > 0:20:21I'd settled into the role of provider, and I thought that was my job in life,
0:20:21 > 0:20:26was to bring in the dosh for the family.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30And Kate's job was homemaker, primary parent.
0:20:33 > 0:20:38We had out second daughter and I was beginning to struggle now because
0:20:38 > 0:20:43the having Harry around, but not engaging, was...
0:20:43 > 0:20:46quite hurtful, actually.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50And I felt that I was, emotionally, doing everything.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53And feeling as though I wasn't having any of my emotional needs met.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57I was feeling lonely at home.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59I was feeling drained as a mother.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01When you're just dealing with little children,
0:21:01 > 0:21:03it's a lot of hard work,
0:21:03 > 0:21:08a lot of physical hard work, and I was pretty lonely, I think.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I just didn't get what she was feeling at any minute.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15She would say something and I would take a very functional approach.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16You know, "I'm tired."
0:21:16 > 0:21:19"I feel tired." "Well, go to bed, then," sort of thing.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Rather then saying, "Poor you, you must have had a hard day." Something like that.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Being aware that there's a feeling behind it.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I would just respond by, you know, some practical suggestion.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30"Well, go to sleep."
0:21:30 > 0:21:33She'd just get hacked off about that because it's obvious, isn't it?
0:21:33 > 0:21:34A three-year-old can figure than one out.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37"So why does she need to be told that by me?"
0:21:37 > 0:21:42And that was the kind of misunderstanding that we had, in spades.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Kate and Harry were drifting apart.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51The problems of poor communication destroying the closeness
0:21:51 > 0:21:53they once shared.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Like so many couples with two small children
0:21:55 > 0:21:58they were at a vulnerable stage in their marriage.
0:21:59 > 0:22:04In 1993, there were 180,000 divorces -
0:22:04 > 0:22:08the highest number ever recorded in British history.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11The following year,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14developments in Harry's job meant the family moved to Hong Kong.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17It was here that Kate became drawn to Christianity
0:22:17 > 0:22:21and started attending disciple-ling classes,
0:22:21 > 0:22:27but her involvement took an unexpected turn.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31I met somebody. He was an extremely dynamic youth minister.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34I was absolutely drawn to him.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37He was showing me things and remembering me
0:22:37 > 0:22:40and saying, "I've just seen this and I thought of you."
0:22:40 > 0:22:43And I just melted. Nobody had ever...
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Well nobody... Harry never done that to me.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Nor could I ever see that ever happening.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50That kind of attention, thought.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56I told Harry I was struggling because I had met somebody.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59He just asked a very simple question,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01which was the most dreadful question.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04He just said, "Are you sleeping with him?" And I said no.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07And he said, "Well, what's the problem, then?"
0:23:08 > 0:23:12My heart was now involved with somebody else
0:23:12 > 0:23:15and my heart was breaking.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Because I felt that this person was going to be able to love me
0:23:18 > 0:23:21in a way that I'd never, ever get from Harry.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23And I really wanted to be loved.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27And I knew it was completely wrong. I had two little girls.
0:23:27 > 0:23:32I just was so stuck, but I knew it was wrong.
0:23:32 > 0:23:37I had to tell him, so I told him face to face that it was over.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41I was just extremely matter of fact about it...
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Biting my lip because it was just hell.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I just said we couldn't see each other again,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51that it was over. It was horrible.
0:23:51 > 0:23:57I was just so gutted about it. I was utterly heartbroken.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00I had to treat this guy as if he'd died.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04I made a decision that I wasn't going to do what I wanted to do
0:24:04 > 0:24:10in order to do what was right, so I had to treat him as if he'd died.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13So I had to grieve, basically.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32In Britain, there was a different kind of grieving.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Many once-proud manufacturing industries
0:24:34 > 0:24:38were the victims of an unforgiving global economy.
0:24:38 > 0:24:43Male breadwinners in working-class communities had to face
0:24:43 > 0:24:46the fact that their wives often had a better chance of employment.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53In 1994, Swan Hunter shipyard in Newcastle was once of the last
0:24:53 > 0:24:57big manufacturing companies to go into receivership.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02Electrician Jimmy Warne lost his job along with hundreds of others.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Although his wife's job was secure, and Jimmy looked after their son,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09their six-year-old marriage was falling apart.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14His story was emblematic of a generation of working-class men.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22I was ill-prepared for marriage. I think I fell into it.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I think that it was seen as the normal thing to do.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28You know, that was part of the culture, the working-class culture.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32You served your time, you became a tradesmen, you met somebody,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34you got married.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Most men... The overwhelming majority of men went to work.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41And in the shipyard it was very rare that you saw
0:25:41 > 0:25:43a woman on the shop floor.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46That was the perceived wisdom. Men went to work.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49If anybody were going to stay at home and look after the children,
0:25:49 > 0:25:51it would traditionally be the woman.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Becoming a shop steward was a natural thing to me
0:25:57 > 0:25:59because I wanted to help people.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Those kinds of things were very much of interest to me
0:26:01 > 0:26:03because I wanted to see fair play.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05When the shipyard went into receivership,
0:26:05 > 0:26:09I became actively involved in the campaign committee
0:26:09 > 0:26:11to keep the shipyard open.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19The campaign failed, and so, too, did Jimmy's marriage.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22After the divorce in 1995, he lost his role
0:26:22 > 0:26:25as principal carer of his son.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32The main thing that really hurt me at the time was the fact that
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I was losing the day-to-day contact with James.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36All right for me not to see him all day every day,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38but to lose that daily contact with him.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Not seeing him in the morning, not seeing him at night.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Or not seeing him at some point during that day.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45That had a very deep effect upon me.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Some of those early days were very, very difficult for me,
0:26:56 > 0:26:58because I was riddled with angst.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02I was riddled with...turmoil. Mental turmoil.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Trying to come to terms with who I was and what I thought
0:27:05 > 0:27:07and why I was the way I was.
0:27:07 > 0:27:12But as I got through that after the first six, nine, twelve months
0:27:12 > 0:27:15and I started to realise, for all of my faults, you know,
0:27:15 > 0:27:17you might just be a half decent person here.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20And by the end of the four years, I think I was a much better person.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22A much more rounded person.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29In the 1990s, there was a growing trend for women
0:27:29 > 0:27:34to marry for the first time in their late 30s or 40s.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37For many, this was a career choice.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40They worked hard to build up their financial independence,
0:27:40 > 0:27:44but never lost their desire for love and marriage with Mr Right.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Lynn Warne has long enjoyed a career as a chiropodist.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54At the age of 39, though, marriage eluded her.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Deep down, she feared time was running out
0:27:57 > 0:28:00for her dream of a loving husband and children.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02I was just so independent.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04I could be anything I wanted to be,
0:28:04 > 0:28:06do anything I wanted to do.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09I holidayed and partied and got my own home,
0:28:09 > 0:28:13my own cars and it was like everybody who I met...
0:28:13 > 0:28:16They must have thought, well, I was a hard woman!
0:28:18 > 0:28:23I don't think I ever lost the faith of love and marriage.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27It was the case of, well, when will it happen?
0:28:27 > 0:28:30Yeah, I used to think, oh, nobody loves me,
0:28:30 > 0:28:34cos I'm sentimental and it will happen when it happens.
0:28:34 > 0:28:38But then it gets to the fact that you're getting older in life.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Historically, many mining families knew one another
0:28:44 > 0:28:47within the close communities of Newcastle.
0:28:47 > 0:28:52Jimmy Warne's father, James, had been a guest at the wedding
0:28:52 > 0:28:56of Lynn's parents, Pamela and Henry Todd in 1960.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Nearly 40 years later, Pamela thought it time
0:28:59 > 0:29:01she played matchmaker for her daughter.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03It was me mum who sort of said,
0:29:03 > 0:29:08"Well, I'll get Jimmy over to help you sort your flat out...
0:29:08 > 0:29:11"to fix the electricity", and I says, "Well, he's too busy
0:29:11 > 0:29:15"with his union stuff", you know, "What are you asking him for?"
0:29:15 > 0:29:18And me mum says, "Oh, I think he'd help you."
0:29:18 > 0:29:22And then Jimmy came over and fixed me flat and everything.
0:29:23 > 0:29:27She was bringing me home one night and I just said to her,
0:29:27 > 0:29:29"Do you mind if I complicate your life?"
0:29:29 > 0:29:32And she looked at me and she said, "Well, aye, all right."
0:29:32 > 0:29:37I said, "Well, will you come out for a drink with me one night?" And she said yes.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41And I says, "Well, I've got nothing in my life you can complicate",
0:29:41 > 0:29:43but since then, it's been complicated! SHE LAUGHS
0:29:46 > 0:29:51We just started talking and we started really bonding
0:29:51 > 0:29:54and yeah, I felt like I do want him.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56I knew he was right for me. I just did.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59Even though we hadn't thought about getting married,
0:29:59 > 0:30:02I just knew he was right for me.
0:30:02 > 0:30:07The couple lived together for a year when Jimmy came to a decision.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09He was ready to try marriage again.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12But Lynn was struggling with her emotions
0:30:12 > 0:30:15now that her long hoped-for dream could become a reality.
0:30:15 > 0:30:19It was more a problem for Lynn than it ever was for me, marrying.
0:30:19 > 0:30:24I was settled in the view that I wanted to marry her. We were comfortable with each other.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26We were happy enough with each other,
0:30:26 > 0:30:28so let's just say, right, we're now at the stage where
0:30:28 > 0:30:29what we want to do, we say,
0:30:29 > 0:30:31if there's just a reserved sticker on us two, right,
0:30:31 > 0:30:34then we'll keep our foot in both camps.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37Right? Just in case something better comes along.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39Let's decide we're not going to do that.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41And I think the final realisation for Lynn
0:30:41 > 0:30:44was when I got down on one knee and presented her with a ring.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Is this guy serious?
0:30:46 > 0:30:47This guy's not mucking about.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50This guy's committed to this and he wants this.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53He did the romantic thing and got down on one knee
0:30:53 > 0:30:57and presented us with the ring and I had to run out. I had to run away a little bit.
0:30:57 > 0:31:02I jumped in me car and drove away for about five or ten minutes,
0:31:02 > 0:31:06cos I thought, "Oh, my God, this is it.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09"This is the marriage thing. I'm going to get married.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12"I'm going to get married to Jimmy Warne".
0:31:12 > 0:31:14And it was everything all come together.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16So I stopped crying and I come home
0:31:16 > 0:31:18and I says, "Yes, I want to marry you.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20"I want to marry you".
0:31:43 > 0:31:46Jimmy and Lynn chose to have their wedding in Sri Lanka.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49Although they'd both been brought up in the Catholic Church,
0:31:49 > 0:31:53they were married in a Buddhist ceremony attended by just a few close friends.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58It was a wonderful time. I got married,
0:31:58 > 0:31:59there was only six of us there.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01I didn't feel stressed about it.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04I remember Jimmy Craigy, who was my best man,
0:32:04 > 0:32:07walking us along the road. I could turn left and go to the bar,
0:32:07 > 0:32:10or turn right and go to the wedding ceremony,
0:32:10 > 0:32:13and he stopped me at this point and says, "It's your last chance".
0:32:13 > 0:32:16And I said, "No, come on, they're waiting!"
0:32:16 > 0:32:20I just found the whole experience of getting married in Sri Lanka...
0:32:20 > 0:32:24the way it was done by the Buddhists was a fabulous, fabulous thing to do.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26BEATING DRUMS
0:32:33 > 0:32:38It was just so emotional and loving and everybody was happy.
0:32:38 > 0:32:44It was just so free spirited and spiritual, and loving and kind.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48There was a ride on an elephant.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53Jimmy wasn't very happy, like, but I made him get up!
0:32:55 > 0:32:57I tell me girls now, you know,
0:32:57 > 0:32:59"Mummy had an elephant on her wedding day",
0:32:59 > 0:33:04and the kids are like, "Mother!" You know, "Get a life!"
0:33:04 > 0:33:08But you know, I just want them to see how different it can be
0:33:08 > 0:33:12if you love somebody, and you can have anything that you want, really.
0:33:12 > 0:33:16If you're happy and in love with the right one.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27For many, there would be no happy ending.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29The high rate of marital breakdown
0:33:29 > 0:33:34reflected couples' deep dissatisfaction with their long-term relationships.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38Even those with strong Christian religious beliefs
0:33:38 > 0:33:40and the clergy themselves were affected.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45Here in Ovenden near Halifax,
0:33:45 > 0:33:49St George's Church was long a place of work for vicar David Robertson.
0:33:51 > 0:33:55He has returned to the vicarage family home, where in 1998,
0:33:55 > 0:34:00he had been married for 17 years and played a major role in bringing up his four children
0:34:00 > 0:34:03while his wife worked as an English teacher.
0:34:04 > 0:34:08When my wife left, it was totally unexpected.
0:34:08 > 0:34:12I had known that we were going through a difficult place,
0:34:12 > 0:34:16but we'd been through difficult places before and we'd come through them.
0:34:18 > 0:34:19It was a total surprise.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23I remember the children crying.
0:34:25 > 0:34:30I remember us being together and my wife no longer there.
0:34:31 > 0:34:34And they wanted to know why
0:34:34 > 0:34:38and I had nothing to say, because I didn't know why.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43The early stages of it were just a bereavement.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47There's no other word for it.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49It was a bereavement.
0:35:02 > 0:35:07My experience was that when the going got tough, God just held me.
0:35:07 > 0:35:11I continued as a father. I continued as a lone parent.
0:35:11 > 0:35:16I continued as a vicar. I continued in my responsibilities.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18I carried on.
0:35:18 > 0:35:23And that strength that was God holding me, allowed me to be
0:35:23 > 0:35:26what I needed to be for all those people.
0:35:30 > 0:35:34David's marriage formally ended in divorce.
0:35:34 > 0:35:39As a Church of England vicar, during two decades of unprecedented marital breakdown,
0:35:39 > 0:35:41he had often counselled divorced men and women.
0:35:43 > 0:35:47Now he needed to decide if his faith in the sanctity of marriage
0:35:47 > 0:35:49allowed him to consider remarrying one day.
0:35:51 > 0:35:58I believe that marriage, ultimately, is one man, one woman for life.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02But I also recognise that life isn't like that for everybody.
0:36:03 > 0:36:08In my own situation, I needed to think through
0:36:08 > 0:36:14the issues of my own divorce and to think through
0:36:14 > 0:36:20whether it might be appropriate for me to even consider a new relationship.
0:36:22 > 0:36:27David has recently become the vicar at Christ Church in Ossett, Yorkshire.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30Following his divorce, he decided that remarriage
0:36:30 > 0:36:33was a possibility for him.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36After a while of hoping to find a new love within his local community,
0:36:36 > 0:36:41he felt the only way to meet someone would be through a Christian introduction agency.
0:36:41 > 0:36:46I know that introduction agencies and dating agencies are supposed to be new,
0:36:46 > 0:36:50but in my thinking, they were as old as time itself.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53Because cultures across the world and across history have had
0:36:53 > 0:36:57matchmakers and relationships have been arranged.
0:36:57 > 0:37:01And I thought, "Well, this is just a modern reinvention of a very old wheel".
0:37:04 > 0:37:08David met Gill through the Friends First introduction agency.
0:37:08 > 0:37:12She was a Christian youth worker living in Worcester, aged 45,
0:37:12 > 0:37:13and never been married.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18I'd always thought I would meet the person
0:37:18 > 0:37:21that I would marry in the course of my life.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24That either at church or at work or whatever,
0:37:24 > 0:37:27I would meet that person, and I just never did.
0:37:28 > 0:37:32And it took me quite a long time to come round to the point of view
0:37:32 > 0:37:34that I could do something about it.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39Gill signed up to Friends First
0:37:39 > 0:37:42and started sifting through the men's profiles.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44It wasn't long before she spotted David's.
0:37:46 > 0:37:50I was just interested by what he said about himself.
0:37:50 > 0:37:54His background is also musical and my background is musical,
0:37:54 > 0:37:56and I just thought there might be a connection,
0:37:56 > 0:37:59and it said he was a vicar in west Yorkshire.
0:38:00 > 0:38:04So I sent him an email and he replied very quickly,
0:38:04 > 0:38:07so I thought, "Oh, this is good, somebody who replies!"
0:38:07 > 0:38:14Just three e-mails and eight days later, they were meeting for the first time.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16The venue, a cafe in Holmes Chapel.
0:38:17 > 0:38:20Neither realised it was St Valentine's Day.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23I was just full of butterflies
0:38:23 > 0:38:26and not knowing what was going to happen
0:38:26 > 0:38:29and felt very self-conscious and nervous about what was going to happen.
0:38:29 > 0:38:33I got to the car park before he did, and he got out of the car,
0:38:33 > 0:38:35and I thought, "I'm sure that's him."
0:38:35 > 0:38:38And he came towards me and I thought, "No, I don't think so!"
0:38:40 > 0:38:44We met, and as soon as we got to talk to one another,
0:38:44 > 0:38:48we both of us thought, "Ah, this will only ever be a friendship."
0:38:49 > 0:38:53David and Gill continued to get to know one another as friends,
0:38:53 > 0:38:58but by the autumn, Gill's feelings for him were changing into love.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01We went out for a meal in the evening to a really nice pub.
0:39:01 > 0:39:04And I said to him, "Actually, I've begun to think
0:39:04 > 0:39:07"I would like there to be a bit more to our friendship",
0:39:07 > 0:39:10and David was completely dropped on, because he just thought of me
0:39:10 > 0:39:12as a really good friend.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15The next morning, the atmosphere was really fraught
0:39:15 > 0:39:17and we were both trying to be normal.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20And we got back and had some lunch and sat outside,
0:39:20 > 0:39:23and I thought, "I can't do this in this atmosphere any more",
0:39:23 > 0:39:27and I went in and sat down and started to cry.
0:39:27 > 0:39:33It was when I saw Gill in tears that I knew it was a crossroads moment.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36I needed to think about how I felt.
0:39:36 > 0:39:40With my first wife, we had a four-year courtship
0:39:40 > 0:39:42and a 17-year marriage.
0:39:42 > 0:39:46So we were part of one another's lives for 21 years.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50And it was only really
0:39:50 > 0:39:55when the friendship with Gill began to develop that I realised
0:39:55 > 0:40:00I wasn't as ready for another relationship as I'd thought I was.
0:40:01 > 0:40:07And there were issues in there of trust that I needed to face up to.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11And Gill was very patient with me,
0:40:11 > 0:40:16while I worked through all of the things I still needed to work through
0:40:16 > 0:40:19before I was ready to say to her, "I love you".
0:40:22 > 0:40:25Gill and David have returned to St George's in Ovenden.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Here at their wedding, many of those present
0:40:36 > 0:40:41were from the congregation, thrilled that their vicar was marrying again.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01David has a very special look
0:41:01 > 0:41:06that he only uses on particular occasions,
0:41:06 > 0:41:10and he looked at me with that look
0:41:10 > 0:41:12when we were making our vows to each other.
0:41:12 > 0:41:18Knowing that that was how he felt about me is a very special memory.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22There was a real atmosphere of expectancy.
0:41:22 > 0:41:23Yeah, it was a good day.
0:41:23 > 0:41:27The wedding was a special day for David's children as well.
0:41:32 > 0:41:36Joel and Hannah, they were still at home when we got married,
0:41:36 > 0:41:40and David was very clear all along that they didn't need a mum.
0:41:40 > 0:41:46He wasn't looking for somebody to be another mother for his children,
0:41:46 > 0:41:48and I got on really, really well with them,
0:41:48 > 0:41:51and it was a great blessing to be part of a family,
0:41:51 > 0:41:55not just part of, I mean, I think a couple is a family,
0:41:55 > 0:41:57but to have young people around
0:41:57 > 0:42:02and be involved with their lives as well was a really special thing.
0:42:09 > 0:42:10From the 1990s onwards,
0:42:10 > 0:42:15couples turned increasingly to outside help with their marriages.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17Many attended counselling sessions and courses
0:42:17 > 0:42:20to try to solve deep-seated problems.
0:42:23 > 0:42:27At her home in Somerset, Kate Benson is writing a letter,
0:42:27 > 0:42:31reliving a moment in her marriage in 1995.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35She had turned down the love of another man
0:42:35 > 0:42:38for the sake of her commitment to her husband, Harry.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43In despair, she wrote to him about her feelings.
0:42:45 > 0:42:47I wrote Harry a letter.
0:42:47 > 0:42:51It was actually a job description of being married to Harry.
0:42:51 > 0:42:57Because it had got so bad for so long that I just viewed it as a job,
0:42:57 > 0:43:02and I wanted to write down what the job entailed.
0:43:02 > 0:43:08You know, the hours, the work, the perks, the pay.
0:43:10 > 0:43:15Cos I didn't feel as though I was getting love and appreciation.
0:43:15 > 0:43:19I think I said you've got six months or a year to do something
0:43:19 > 0:43:21about this or I'm going.
0:43:29 > 0:43:33I thought, "Blimey." I suddenly realised
0:43:33 > 0:43:34this was an utterly key moment.
0:43:34 > 0:43:38I got down on my knees to Kate for the second time in our marriage.
0:43:38 > 0:43:40The first time was when I proposed,
0:43:40 > 0:43:42so I got down on my knees again and I said, look,
0:43:42 > 0:43:45you've got no reason to believe that I will change,
0:43:45 > 0:43:47but I'm going to.
0:43:47 > 0:43:52And I know in my head that moment was utterly seminal,
0:43:52 > 0:43:55because I made a decision in my head.
0:43:55 > 0:43:57I'd shifted my attitude and I realised
0:43:57 > 0:44:00that I need to make this marriage work for Kate.
0:44:02 > 0:44:04After nearly nine years of marriage,
0:44:04 > 0:44:07this was make or break time for Kate and Harry.
0:44:07 > 0:44:11They decided to take a Christian marriage course in Taiwan.
0:44:11 > 0:44:13We had this massive breakthrough
0:44:13 > 0:44:15where we wrote these very long letters to one another
0:44:15 > 0:44:18and talked to each other on a level where I discovered
0:44:18 > 0:44:23that I could really understand what it was like to be Kate,
0:44:23 > 0:44:26and that was a real moment of emotional intimacy and for me,
0:44:26 > 0:44:29this was almost the time that I fell in love with Kate
0:44:29 > 0:44:30for the first time.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32It was wonderful,
0:44:32 > 0:44:35and it revolutionised our marriage for that moment on.
0:44:37 > 0:44:40God, I felt really loved by Harry.
0:44:40 > 0:44:43He was opening up and writing letters to me.
0:44:43 > 0:44:45Saying things that he'd never said before.
0:44:45 > 0:44:48I think something happened where he felt love
0:44:48 > 0:44:51to the person that he was married to.
0:44:51 > 0:44:55And so I, as a result, felt loved for the first time.
0:44:57 > 0:45:02I got a husband that was going to be faithful, good and intelligent,
0:45:02 > 0:45:04and all the things that I wanted from my man,
0:45:04 > 0:45:06but he actually loved me as well.
0:45:06 > 0:45:09And I wanted to celebrate that, so I gave him a wedding ring.
0:45:10 > 0:45:15And I put the date of that Taiwanese marriage course into
0:45:15 > 0:45:19the wedding ring because that was the first time that I felt loved.
0:45:32 > 0:45:34Before the age of divorce,
0:45:34 > 0:45:37marriages had been sustained by social convention, stigma,
0:45:37 > 0:45:39and lower expectations.
0:45:40 > 0:45:44Now, marriage was less an institution and more a relationship,
0:45:44 > 0:45:48where issues that maintained long-term love mattered most.
0:45:48 > 0:45:52With divorce such an easy option, it was more difficult than ever
0:45:52 > 0:45:55for couples to get through the hard times.
0:45:59 > 0:46:02Many found they had to constantly work at their marriages
0:46:02 > 0:46:03to keep the magic alive.
0:46:06 > 0:46:11Robert Fripp toured the world as a highly-respected guitarist,
0:46:11 > 0:46:13while Toyah Willcox widened her career
0:46:13 > 0:46:16as a presenter on British television.
0:46:16 > 0:46:19When a husband and wife worked far apart for weeks at a time though,
0:46:19 > 0:46:21love might seem a distant memory.
0:46:23 > 0:46:26We were both very busy. I would call every day.
0:46:26 > 0:46:28Very high telephone bills.
0:46:28 > 0:46:30And my rule would be,
0:46:30 > 0:46:33focus in on little T.
0:46:33 > 0:46:38Be a happy, happy husband so that I could give whatever is possible
0:46:38 > 0:46:42to my wife knowing that she'll be missing me as I'm missing her.
0:46:43 > 0:46:46It was a quiet, ongoing form of heartbreak.
0:46:46 > 0:46:50Now a good disciplined player can deal with it,
0:46:50 > 0:46:53and as a good disciplined player, I did.
0:46:53 > 0:46:56When you walk on stage, you're present on stage.
0:46:57 > 0:47:00You're nowhere else, your attention is there,
0:47:00 > 0:47:03but when you walk off stage, then I miss my wife.
0:47:03 > 0:47:06When you get on the bus, I miss my wife.
0:47:07 > 0:47:12When you get off the bus into your lonely vacuum with a bed in it,
0:47:12 > 0:47:15known as your hotel room, I miss my wife.
0:47:15 > 0:47:18On stage, I'm present.
0:47:20 > 0:47:22That's doable.
0:47:46 > 0:47:49He'd start to be away three months at a time
0:47:49 > 0:47:54and that was just so difficult, and I remember one time,
0:47:54 > 0:47:56he'd been away for three months, he was flying back,
0:47:56 > 0:47:59got to Heathrow and got a call to go back to Seattle
0:47:59 > 0:48:02and he went straight back. I didn't even see him.
0:48:02 > 0:48:05And that was hell. It was real hell.
0:48:05 > 0:48:08But when we were together, it was fantastic.
0:48:08 > 0:48:10Yeah, we really made the most of it.
0:48:10 > 0:48:12It was like honeymoon all the time.
0:48:21 > 0:48:25For some couples, the challenge of being apart
0:48:25 > 0:48:28came from very long days at work.
0:48:28 > 0:48:32With Britain in the '90s working some of the longest hours in Europe,
0:48:32 > 0:48:35the support and sacrifice of a partner could be essential
0:48:35 > 0:48:37to the survival of the marriage.
0:48:38 > 0:48:43Mo and Ann Chaudry are at their home in Staffordshire.
0:48:43 > 0:48:46During the early years of their marriage, Mo spent most of his time
0:48:46 > 0:48:50building up his property investment company in Hanley, Stoke-on-Trent.
0:48:50 > 0:48:55I'd realised very early on that we had to get on in life.
0:48:55 > 0:48:58Not once did she say to me, this is not going to work
0:48:58 > 0:49:00because you're working all the hours.
0:49:00 > 0:49:02She knew it was a means to an end.
0:49:02 > 0:49:04So she was very, very supportive of that.
0:49:04 > 0:49:06She gave me a home. She gave me some stability in life.
0:49:06 > 0:49:09A platform from which I could unleash myself.
0:49:09 > 0:49:13So the business side I drove it and at home the maternal side,
0:49:13 > 0:49:14she drove it.
0:49:15 > 0:49:18The Potteries' industry was in decline in the 1990's.
0:49:18 > 0:49:22And Mo Chaudry became a local rags-to-riches success story,
0:49:22 > 0:49:27culminating with his revitalization of Water World.
0:49:30 > 0:49:33After bringing up their three children,
0:49:33 > 0:49:37Ann started to work with Mo, becoming a director in 1998.
0:49:41 > 0:49:44She had her own special way of dealing with a driven,
0:49:44 > 0:49:46work-obsessed man with a fiery temper.
0:49:46 > 0:49:48- Hi. Are you all right? - Yeah.
0:49:48 > 0:49:52- So have you had any information through from the neighbours yet?- Yes.
0:49:52 > 0:49:54Mo is very vocal.
0:49:54 > 0:49:59If things aren't the way he thinks they should be, but both of us
0:49:59 > 0:50:01being the way we are we tend to say there and then,
0:50:01 > 0:50:06"Look, you know, this isn't right. You need to sort it out."
0:50:06 > 0:50:09We've had a few fallouts where we've not spoken for a few days,
0:50:09 > 0:50:12but to be honest it's normally me that makes the peace.
0:50:12 > 0:50:15As usual, I think, the women are always like that.
0:50:17 > 0:50:21If he's wrong in any way, he's very good at apologizing.
0:50:21 > 0:50:25But if he isn't wrong, he's very good at not apologizing.
0:50:25 > 0:50:27I've got a very short fuse. I have my tantrums.
0:50:27 > 0:50:31I rant and rave and say all sorts of wrong things some times
0:50:31 > 0:50:33and then we sleep on it.
0:50:33 > 0:50:35We ignore each other for a few days and then slowly
0:50:35 > 0:50:38but surely we're back on even keel again.
0:50:38 > 0:50:42But the key has always been that there is something that has
0:50:42 > 0:50:45always kept us together. Always.
0:50:45 > 0:50:47# Stuck on you
0:50:48 > 0:50:50# Got this feeling down and deep in my soul... #
0:50:50 > 0:50:54We certainly wouldn't be married if it wasn't for Ann. She's the glue.
0:50:54 > 0:50:57She's kept it all together.
0:50:57 > 0:51:00And she's kept me in check in the nicest possible way.
0:51:00 > 0:51:03It's just life. It's our lives.
0:51:03 > 0:51:07It's the whole of our lives. I wouldn't want it any other way.
0:51:11 > 0:51:14In Britain attitudes have changed greatly since Mo
0:51:14 > 0:51:16and Ann Chaudry's wedding 25 years ago.
0:51:16 > 0:51:19CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS
0:51:19 > 0:51:21Oh, my, that's got a pop in it, hasn't it?!
0:51:24 > 0:51:26At the time Ann and I married, and settled down,
0:51:26 > 0:51:28it wasn't the done thing for a mixed-race marriage,
0:51:28 > 0:51:30particularly an Asian mixed-race marriage
0:51:30 > 0:51:35and I feel very proud of the fact that I did follow my own instincts.
0:51:35 > 0:51:38And you can marry outside of your own culture and your own ethnicity
0:51:38 > 0:51:41and despite all of those issues, if both parties are minded to
0:51:41 > 0:51:45and you mold together, then you can have a very happy life together.
0:51:45 > 0:51:50Happy anniversary, dear. Here's to the next 25 years. Cheers.
0:51:54 > 0:51:58Harry and Kate Benson returned to England in the late 1990's.
0:51:58 > 0:52:00After their marriage crisis,
0:52:00 > 0:52:02they went on to have another four children.
0:52:02 > 0:52:06And have now celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary.
0:52:06 > 0:52:11Inspired by the insights that saved his marriage, Harry devised
0:52:11 > 0:52:15and ran new marriage counselling courses, helped by Kate.
0:52:15 > 0:52:1726 years ago.
0:52:17 > 0:52:19Do you know what that reminds me of?
0:52:19 > 0:52:21That reminds me of standing in the reception
0:52:21 > 0:52:25and not getting any food at all.
0:52:25 > 0:52:27Their passion is to pass on their own
0:52:27 > 0:52:30intimate understanding of married love.
0:52:30 > 0:52:33My love for Kate is a really strong, deep,
0:52:33 > 0:52:37inner sense of connection and a deep care for her.
0:52:37 > 0:52:40And that really starts from this fundamental thing
0:52:40 > 0:52:43about marriage, which is this decision I've made
0:52:43 > 0:52:48somewhere inside me that we are married for life.
0:52:48 > 0:52:50That's the point. That's the whole deal.
0:52:50 > 0:52:55I don't always feel the great sort of gushy emotional stuff
0:52:55 > 0:53:02and mad passionate love, I've got this strong, deep, content feeling
0:53:02 > 0:53:07of care for my other half and she's very much my other half.
0:53:07 > 0:53:11I'm totally happily married. I know my husband loves me.
0:53:12 > 0:53:18I know I love him and yet we can still have really, really bad times.
0:53:18 > 0:53:21We can have some nasty arguments. We can hurt each other.
0:53:21 > 0:53:26We can go through bad and dry patches, but we recognize them.
0:53:28 > 0:53:32I think that a really good marriage has to be worked at.
0:53:42 > 0:53:45Toyah Willcox is working in her office
0:53:45 > 0:53:48at the couple's home in Pershore Worcestershire.
0:53:48 > 0:53:52She and Robert have been married for 26 years.
0:53:52 > 0:53:54HE PLAYS THE GUITAR
0:54:01 > 0:54:03Their decision not to have children
0:54:03 > 0:54:08enabled them to devote what little free time they had to each other.
0:54:08 > 0:54:13In the early years, I expected that my wife might in some way contribute
0:54:13 > 0:54:15to the quality of my life.
0:54:15 > 0:54:20In other words I had an anticipation that my wife would
0:54:20 > 0:54:22make my life better.
0:54:22 > 0:54:24Clearly, she has and does.
0:54:25 > 0:54:30But as I got older, I saw that that imposed a limitation,
0:54:30 > 0:54:32a constraint on the marriage.
0:54:33 > 0:54:39So as my acceptance of who and what Toyah is, my little lovely deepened.
0:54:39 > 0:54:44For me my prayer is may I be the husband that my wife needs.
0:54:44 > 0:54:47He got the picture of what marriage meant to me.
0:54:47 > 0:54:48And marriage was a totalness.
0:54:48 > 0:54:54I wanted to be with him totally and I wanted to be with him
0:54:54 > 0:54:57when he was working and be with him socially.
0:54:59 > 0:55:03He had to compromise and I compromised hugely.
0:55:07 > 0:55:08Marriage, it's a bond.
0:55:08 > 0:55:13It's a spiritual bond where you grow together
0:55:13 > 0:55:17and you can grow apart but you grow together again.
0:55:17 > 0:55:18And it is always challenging,
0:55:18 > 0:55:23but those challenges are hugely rewarding and enriching.
0:55:23 > 0:55:24A toast?
0:55:25 > 0:55:30How about to Wilifred the prince of rabbits?
0:55:31 > 0:55:35- Wilifred, the prince of rabbits. - Cheers, bunny.
0:55:41 > 0:55:44David and Gill are returning to the very same park bench where
0:55:44 > 0:55:46he proposed to her.
0:55:46 > 0:55:50They're both clear that their decision to marry brought out
0:55:50 > 0:55:51the best in one another.
0:55:55 > 0:55:57I believe that there's more than one kind of love.
0:55:57 > 0:55:59I think there's romantic love.
0:55:59 > 0:56:01I think there's friendship love.
0:56:01 > 0:56:05If the love that wants the best for the other person is always present,
0:56:05 > 0:56:11then it means that the relationship is always going deeper.
0:56:11 > 0:56:15And after seven and a half years of marriage with Gill, I would
0:56:15 > 0:56:19say that I love her more now than I ever have before.
0:56:19 > 0:56:22I've done a lot of things that I am proud of
0:56:22 > 0:56:26but loving David is the best thing that I have ever done.
0:56:26 > 0:56:31It has helped him to be himself,
0:56:31 > 0:56:34as well as helped me to be myself.
0:56:34 > 0:56:38It is about becoming one with somebody,
0:56:38 > 0:56:41yes, in a physical sense but also in a spiritual sense.
0:56:47 > 0:56:50This is where mummy used to live. Mummy used to live here.
0:56:50 > 0:56:54Lynn and Jimmy Warne are taking their children back
0:56:54 > 0:56:58to Wallsend in Newcastle, to show them where they grew up.
0:56:59 > 0:57:02Jimmy has no doubts about his choice to marry again.
0:57:04 > 0:57:08If you haven't given it serious consideration before you even
0:57:08 > 0:57:11think about taking the first step, from being single to wanting
0:57:11 > 0:57:15to be married again and have a relationship.
0:57:15 > 0:57:18You've got to want to do it. You've got to want to commit to it.
0:57:18 > 0:57:22If you don't commit to it there's no point in doing it.
0:57:22 > 0:57:24You've got to commit with your heart and your soul.
0:57:24 > 0:57:27If you don't, there's absolutely no point because you're holding back.
0:57:33 > 0:57:37Loving Jimmy means to me the fact that I've always got my soul mate.
0:57:39 > 0:57:45I don't think I... I couldn't imagine anything without him.
0:57:45 > 0:57:49I might be an independent person but he's my other half.
0:57:51 > 0:57:54It's not about graphic terms of how much you love that person.
0:57:54 > 0:57:57It's how comfortable you are with them, how safe you feel them,
0:57:57 > 0:57:59how secure you feel with them.
0:57:59 > 0:58:01It's those thing that are important,
0:58:01 > 0:58:03I mean how do you actually describe love?
0:58:03 > 0:58:08What is it? You know. How does it manifest itself?
0:58:08 > 0:58:11I think it manifests itself in your honesty
0:58:11 > 0:58:13and your decency towards that person.
0:58:13 > 0:58:15That's what love is.
0:58:19 > 0:58:24The social changes that transformed life in Britain during
0:58:24 > 0:58:26the late 20th century put enormous strain
0:58:26 > 0:58:28on the old institution of marriage.
0:58:28 > 0:58:33Couples struggled as never before to hold onto romance.
0:58:33 > 0:58:36Those who succeeded found that marriage in the age of divorce
0:58:36 > 0:58:40can still bring a deep and lasting love.
0:58:58 > 0:59:01Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd