0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:06This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Body image is all about a person's self-esteem.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11And once you get over that massive hurdle of trying to come out,
0:00:11 > 0:00:13the next stage is trying to figure out
0:00:13 > 0:00:14how in the world you're going to fit in
0:00:14 > 0:00:17to this brand-new community that you find yourself in.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20And this will often start with how you look and how you behave.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24The gay community has created some quite clearly defined tribes
0:00:24 > 0:00:27based on your body. Whether you are fat, thin, hairy, muscular -
0:00:27 > 0:00:30there is a label for it.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Bear, twink, otter, jock, femme, rhino.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Rhino isn't one, but you know what, it might as well be.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36There are a lot of animals in there, that's all I'm saying!
0:00:36 > 0:00:41These tribes, based purely on body image, define not only how we look,
0:00:41 > 0:00:45but supposedly who our friends are and who we have sex with.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I want to know why gay culture puts such a heavy pressure on us men
0:01:11 > 0:01:13to look a certain way, to act a certain way,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16and what better place to do that than right here
0:01:16 > 0:01:18in the centre of gay London, Soho?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Penises.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29One, two, three.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Four, five, six, seven.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Eight, nine, ten.
0:01:33 > 0:01:3611, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.
0:01:36 > 0:01:3721.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Oh, shit! 22.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Looking for more dick.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Look at these!
0:01:43 > 0:01:46You would be a very brave guy to wear a pair of these
0:01:46 > 0:01:48if you didn't have a banging body.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49No fucking way!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51HE LAUGHS
0:01:51 > 0:01:52It's got padding in it.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Look, this is incredible.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Why have I not known about this before?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Not that I need it...
0:02:00 > 0:02:01just saying.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06These ones are glorious.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I don't know if it's because of the gold bottom underneath it,
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- but they are...- They are one of our best sellers, actually.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I think it's because they are sheer.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16If you go into Ann Summers, it's all that kind of fabric
0:02:16 > 0:02:19and it's sexy and it's slinky and here you have it for guys.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Do you ever get people coming in who feel like
0:02:22 > 0:02:24there is nothing for them here?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27We have all walks of the scene coming in,
0:02:27 > 0:02:31from your very slim twink-style guy,
0:02:31 > 0:02:35to your very, very large bear-type guy.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38What would you categorise me as?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41You know, in these, like, tribes, what am I?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43If I saw you coming through the door,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I would probably say you were probably very like myself,
0:02:46 > 0:02:48in that, you know,
0:02:48 > 0:02:53bottom and, you know, conscious of your body,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55conscious of your appearance.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59So would you say that bottoms are a little bit more feminine?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01The stereotype would be that, yeah.
0:03:01 > 0:03:08You know, that we do tend to lean more towards that ilk.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12What would you say if I told you I'm actually a top and I go to the gym?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- Personally, I'd be very surprised. - OK.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17"Masc"!
0:03:19 > 0:03:20But they also have "power bottom".
0:03:20 > 0:03:22This is the whole thing, isn't it?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24This is what the whole scene has been broken down to -
0:03:24 > 0:03:26you're either that or that.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28There is no in-between. If you're masculine,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31you're going to be the top, you're going be the one doing the fucking.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34And if you a power bottom, you're a sissy boy.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38You're a queer, you're a poof and you're going to be ploughed.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41You're minimised to a sexual act, that's your identity.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44"Penetrate me. I am nothing more."
0:03:47 > 0:03:48In the act of stereotyping,
0:03:48 > 0:03:52there's a clear message in the gay community that masculinity
0:03:52 > 0:03:55is highly prized and femininity is unattractive.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02I identify myself as a male and I'm gay.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05I am a guy that likes to be really feminine,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I like to experiment with different things.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I have always been this feminine guy.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Getting myself ready and heading out,
0:04:13 > 0:04:14it kind of boosts my confidence, actually,
0:04:14 > 0:04:18to wear make-up, because I just feel like I'm not the same
0:04:18 > 0:04:22as everyone else. I look different. I have my own unique style.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Growing up, it was kind of like wrong to be gay.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28So I didn't really fit in.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33So when I hear comments such as "faggot",
0:04:33 > 0:04:35or "gay", "queer", all of those,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37it does take me back to my school days,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40where life was hard and I was still trying to find myself.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Femme-shaming is when you bash people for being
0:04:46 > 0:04:50really, really, really feminine. It happens in the gay community A LOT.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I have experienced being femme-shamed,
0:04:54 > 0:04:58but still I walk with my head high and I still strut my stuff
0:04:58 > 0:05:00like nobody's business.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03So tell me about your identity.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I think of myself as a femme tornado.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Being me is a full-time job.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- OK!- I put so much work in, like, getting my hair done, you know,
0:05:10 > 0:05:14spending money on make-up, spending money on my hair, skin,
0:05:14 > 0:05:17and I've always wore really feminine clothes as well, so...
0:05:17 > 0:05:20the tighter, the more revealing, the better, to be honest.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24What kind of guy, do you think, is sort of like the most attractive,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26in terms of the gay scene?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28It's probably the straight-acting ones.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I don't fit in because most of them don't really like feminine guys.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I have been told so many times, with the way I am so feminine,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37the way I'm so camp, that I give gay people a bad name.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40So, like, I don't fit in with the normal crowds,
0:05:40 > 0:05:44but then I stand out from, like, the gay community.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Is it harder for you to find love, then?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49I would definitely say it's harder, especially when I go out
0:05:49 > 0:05:51and I'm wearing, like, batty riders and stuff...
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- What's a batty rider?- Batty riders are shorts that are, like,
0:05:54 > 0:05:55with your bum cheeks hanging out.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- Oh, "batty", like arse? - Batty riders, yeah.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- OK.- You can basically see your arse.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Do you think the guys in the gay community who are a little bit
0:06:02 > 0:06:06more masculine see you as lesser in any way?
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Oh, yeah, definitely. Because, you know, we're feminine.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14You know, we're apparently trannies, which is not true,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17because at the end of the day, I don't want to have a sex change.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I just like having long hair.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22And I like experimenting with my make-up and looking different.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Being gay is a sexuality, it's not a personality.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27And every single guy has a right to be
0:06:27 > 0:06:29what they want and how they want to be.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32So I don't understand why we have so many labels
0:06:32 > 0:06:33in the gay community.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37When you walk out onto the scene, say, into a nightclub,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39what kind of reception do you get from guys?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I've had people come up and say, "You do know you're a boy, right?"
0:06:42 > 0:06:44And I'm like, "Yeah." And they're like, "You're not a drag queen.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46"Are you trying to transition?"
0:06:46 > 0:06:48I'm like, "No." I try to make everyone like me,
0:06:48 > 0:06:50but sometimes I do come across as
0:06:50 > 0:06:52a bitch and a shady queen - which I love.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I mean, so? Be honest is the best policy.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56But, um, no,
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I definitely feel like sometimes my personality is a way for me
0:07:00 > 0:07:03to hide behind, like, the hurt that I've been through.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06When I was in high school, I was bullied out of high school,
0:07:06 > 0:07:09actually, for being gay and being really feminine.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10You know, I had people call me names,
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I had people trying to rob me,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I had people, you know, beating me up all because I was...
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- Physically beating you up? - Yes, physically.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21So I decided upon myself to drop out of high school.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I had the exact same thing in school, but I was lucky because...
0:07:26 > 0:07:30..I would sometimes pass as straight, as a younger kid.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32But that's because I would try and butch it up.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Constantly butching it up, make sure you don't give the gay away.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Did you ever have that, where you tried to...
0:07:38 > 0:07:40It would never work because I'm way too feminine.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41As soon as I opened my mouth, like,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44people would clock on and be like, "Oh, you're gay, aren't you?"
0:07:44 > 0:07:46So, yeah.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Has it impacted your life, the fact that you had to leave school early?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Has it made things harder for you?
0:07:51 > 0:07:55I feel like when you have GCSEs, you have a better chance in life.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59I feel like I was robbed of my future when I was in school.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Femme-shaming and stuff like that,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06it does bring back memories of me being a child.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10We should be kind of coming together as one big family
0:08:10 > 0:08:12and kind of fighting off the homophobes.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Instead we're fighting with each other.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Jamal has had to become so resilient over the years,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28from so much of that heavy, heavy femme-shaming.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31And it's shocking to think that the one community
0:08:31 > 0:08:33that's doing this mostly to him is his own.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Us gays.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39I don't understand. You'd think that after all we've been through,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41that we would be the most accepting bunch out there.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Femininity is frowned upon.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49- Yes.- So much!
0:08:49 > 0:08:53And it infuriates me because obviously, like, I'm quite feminine.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57I feel like feminine gay people are at the bottom of the list, 1,000%.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01I've even had comments such as feminine gay guys
0:09:01 > 0:09:04are the gays that give gay people a bad name.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Some masculine men, they're like,
0:09:06 > 0:09:08"Oh, why are you dressing like that?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11"Why are you looking like that? You're meant to look like this."
0:09:11 > 0:09:13The iconic gay body, well, we all know that.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16It's sexy muscle boy and all this...
0:09:16 > 0:09:21Oh, six-packs, eight-packs, um, tall, um, masculine.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Very toned, muscular.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Sort of overtly, kind of sometimes comically masculine bodies.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Tight tops, big muscles.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33That's the sort of things that I see a lot of.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Gay men are their own worst enemy
0:09:35 > 0:09:39within the community when it comes to body image.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40So I have some news.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44As part of this documentary...
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I'm going to be doing a naked photo shoot - wahey!
0:09:47 > 0:09:49It's for Gay Times Magazine
0:09:49 > 0:09:51and a feature that they're doing on body image,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54and I am terrified.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59You know, we're constantly fed these images on Instagram,
0:09:59 > 0:10:01through the media, everywhere online,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04of the perfect body and what that is.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06And it subconsciously makes you think
0:10:06 > 0:10:07that you need to have that body.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10So I guess...
0:10:11 > 0:10:15I am worried about thousands of people seeing my body, in the buff,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18as it is right now, and I feel compelled to go to the gym.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22I'm sorry, I just don't feel comfortable getting naked as it is.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26I just feel like I need to tighten up a little bit.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Is that OK?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Morning! So, before I have any breakfast,
0:10:38 > 0:10:42I'm having half the juice of a lemon.
0:10:42 > 0:10:48It speeds up your metabolism, clears out your lymphatic system.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Here's to a lovely body!
0:10:59 > 0:11:01OK, it's dinner time.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Nice, spicy, garlicky chicken,
0:11:04 > 0:11:08some stir-fried broccoli and I have actually toasted those cashews.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Ohh, look at that. Boom.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Carrot sticks...
0:11:19 > 0:11:20hummus.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22No wine. No gin.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Which is really, really hard for me.
0:11:25 > 0:11:30Eggs, broccoli, chicken breast and basil pesto with olive oil.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Get them healthy fats, yo.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Just got my hair cut. Dinner tonight, I'm having sea bass.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Dandelion tea.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40And...that's it.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Why dandelion tea, I hear you ask?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Because apparently...
0:11:44 > 0:11:46it helps with water retention.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48I don't know if I have water retention,
0:11:48 > 0:11:53but I don't want to take any risks.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57So I am here in south London to visit
0:11:57 > 0:11:59a male-focused inclusive gym,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02to find out where that pressure for gay men
0:12:02 > 0:12:04to have a perfect body actually comes from.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Personal trainer Stephen is going to show me around.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Right, the chest is always a very popular thing.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19For the gays. Oh, tell me about it.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20As soon as I go into the gym,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22it's the first thing, I hit these boys.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26- Really?- Yeah.- Well, let's start you off with one of the machines.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- OK.- Give me ten.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- That's a little tougher, isn't it? - Yeah. I like it, though.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- "Feel the burn."- Feel the burn. And other cliches.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36STEPHEN CHUCKLES
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- I forgot to start counting. What are we at?- Eight.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43This looks like a torture contraption.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45STEPHEN STRAINS
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Look, it's the same size as my head!
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Amazing. I'm trying the same way you did.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- OK?- I'll get you off the ceiling.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Look, it's pulling me above the ground!
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- OK, possibly that's a little too heavy.- Yeah, yeah.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Let's drop it down to two.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Across, like that.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- Perfect.- I like this one. - You like that one?- Yeah.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- Because you can really feel it. - Yes.- It doesn't feel wasteful.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20It's quite a heterosexual thing, actually.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23To lift the heaviest weight possible
0:13:23 > 0:13:25and outcompete the person you're training with.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27But there's no technique in that.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Do you not think that there is a lot of competition
0:13:29 > 0:13:31in gyms between gays, though?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Like, "Oh, he's doing 20s on each arm."
0:13:33 > 0:13:36I think gays are more interested in who looks better
0:13:36 > 0:13:40in their low-cut vests than what weights they are lifting.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Is there more of a pressure on a gay man
0:13:42 > 0:13:46to look a certain way than there is for a heterosexual man?
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Historically, there's always been more pressure on gay men.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Being muscular means being accepted.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54It means you get more sex.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58So this idea of going to the gym has almost become central
0:13:58 > 0:14:00to the gay personality.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02If you want to avoid being ostracised
0:14:02 > 0:14:05as you were when you were at school or whatever,
0:14:05 > 0:14:07then you hype up the masculinity.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Are some feminine gay guys
0:14:09 > 0:14:13trying to sort of suppress that or make up for that
0:14:13 > 0:14:16by becoming these bulky muscle gods?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Muscularity does counteract effeminate behaviour
0:14:19 > 0:14:21from other people's perspective.
0:14:21 > 0:14:26Effeminate is the thing that guys probably are naturally.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I know I am. And I love my camp side.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34But it's not going to get you sex with the masculine guys.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Do you think that some of this pressure that exists comes from you
0:14:38 > 0:14:40comparing and contrasting yourself
0:14:40 > 0:14:43to potentially who is lying in bed beside you?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Yeah. And I think we've all done it.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48You know, I've gone home with guys
0:14:48 > 0:14:51and they've taken off their T-shirts,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54if they haven't walked in the door with their T-shirt off,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56and you see this fantastic physique.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59And you compare yourself to them and think, "Am I good enough?"
0:14:59 > 0:15:01You've actually felt that way?
0:15:01 > 0:15:02- Yes.- You?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- Yes.- There's no hope for any of us!
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I mean, what the fu...?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10All right, three, two, one, it's like jumping in a pool.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14So, what are you not happy with?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- There's like a little... - Oh, I have that.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- Look.- That little pooch there.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20I call it a papoose.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- A papoose.- It's a papoose of fat.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I guess another bit that I don't like is... See that?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Oh, the back fat? Yeah, yeah, I have that.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- Look.- You can actually grab mine like that.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Is that an invitation?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- I don't want to touch you without an invitation.- No, grab it.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37RIYADH LAUGHS
0:15:37 > 0:15:39What bits do you like then?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I don't mind my chest when I do that.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- But only when you do that? - Only when I do that.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Actually, I like my chest when I do that.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47I like your chest when you do that.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Yeah. So, relax.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51What do you feel about your chest now?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I don't like the shape of it.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57What...? Describe more.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Er, I don't like the shape of it here.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03I don't have like a nice line that just sticks out,
0:16:03 > 0:16:05that has real deviation from the body.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06It's a genetic thing.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11You're not 100% happy with your own body?
0:16:11 > 0:16:12No.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14There is a vast difference
0:16:14 > 0:16:17between what I see and what other people see.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22If I look in the mirror one morning and I see, you know,
0:16:22 > 0:16:26less than what I want to - or more than what I want to -
0:16:26 > 0:16:29then, yeah, it can make me unhappy with myself.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31If you feel that bad about yourself,
0:16:31 > 0:16:36depression and anxiety are natural consequences of it.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I hope that one day I don't feel...
0:16:38 > 0:16:41I don't put myself under as much pressure.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44That's probably the best that I hope for.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48But I'm not doing this just to look good for other people.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51But I can understand that that is a big part of it.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54And I would be a liar if I said it wasn't.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Because, you know, who doesn't love that validation?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07The problem is, what is perfection?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10You're going to be constantly going around like a hamster in a loop,
0:17:10 > 0:17:14in a loop, striving for a thing you cannot get. A bit depressing.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17There's no up.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Do you get me?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Body image is huge.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27You want to look as good as you can.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Athletic, lean.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Like, muscular, a nice bum.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Think Tom Daley.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35To be honest, it's all gym and fitness.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Really muscly and masculine.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39You know, kind of rugged.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43I feel there's a majority of gay men out there that are like spending
0:17:43 > 0:17:47their lives at the gym because they know it's going to, like,
0:17:47 > 0:17:49attract who they want to attract.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50I think that's a problem
0:17:50 > 0:17:52because beauty doesn't solve anybody's problem.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- It's the community that is making things worse for itself.- Right.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Because they're constantly having to
0:17:58 > 0:18:00live up to the stereotype or this image, or...
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- And it's just so tiring after a while.- Yeah.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04But...
0:18:06 > 0:18:09You know, we all come in different shapes and sizes.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24I moved to London just over six years ago.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28It was quite difficult coming out at 16, living up north.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I feel people's attitudes are different
0:18:30 > 0:18:32and that made it more difficult.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37The bulimia took effect when I was about 17,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39but I would say I had issues with my body image
0:18:39 > 0:18:41and how I looked before that.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Within a year or two, it was full-blown
0:18:46 > 0:18:49and pretty much lasted for the next nine or ten years.
0:18:51 > 0:18:56It's difficult to explain exactly what the motivation was,
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I suppose, behind throwing up.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01But it had a lot to do with how I looked.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02It's a control thing.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06I felt like for a long time it was the only thing I had control over.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07It was...
0:19:10 > 0:19:12..very, very lonely.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14To be honest, I don't know how I survived.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23With the community putting so much emphasis on how you look,
0:19:23 > 0:19:26it's no surprise that gay men are three times more likely
0:19:26 > 0:19:29to suffer from an eating disorder than straight men.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32'I'm on my way to meet Rye, a 26-year-old man...'
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- Hiya.- '..who suffered from his own
0:19:34 > 0:19:36'eating disorder for ten years.'
0:19:37 > 0:19:42Do you think the gay community in general is quite judgmental?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Yeah. I think it's very judgmental.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51I almost feel that, as a gay guy, it's harder to please other gays
0:19:51 > 0:19:54than it is the rest of society sometimes.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58What things must a gay man do to fit in?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00A lot of it is based on looks.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03If you don't kind of conform to certain things, then, you know,
0:20:03 > 0:20:04you're not going to be accepted.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08And then, when you look at other guys who are already fitting into
0:20:08 > 0:20:09those stereotype and tribes,
0:20:09 > 0:20:13and everyone looks like they're having fun and accepting everyone,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16why wouldn't you think, if I act like that, or if I look like that,
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I'm going to be included.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20I wanted to fit in.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24So I thought, "What kind of is the most achievable?"
0:20:24 > 0:20:27So obviously me being young, it would be kind of what we call
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- like the kind of slim twink. - Twinks?- Yeah.- Right.
0:20:29 > 0:20:35So in this period of adjusting myself and becoming the twink,
0:20:35 > 0:20:40it did more and more become about liking my body type
0:20:40 > 0:20:42and how slim I was.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46I basically developed an eating disorder.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49So...I was still eating,
0:20:49 > 0:20:53but I was starting to throw up meals and vomit.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56It started off slow but eventually it was every day.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58It becomes ingrained.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59It's everyday life.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Oh, my God!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Are you sucking in here?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05I think I'm tensing.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- But you can see...- It's so skinny!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- Look at the hip.- Your hipbones. - My hip sticks right out
0:21:12 > 0:21:14and my ribs were sticking right out.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17If you could say something to him right now, what would you say?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Get some help.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Really, get some help.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27And what kind of feelings or things go through your head then
0:21:27 > 0:21:30at the worst moment, and you know you can't get out of it?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33It's isolating. Even though I had friends.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38And there were a few times people asked questions - "Are you OK?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41"What's going on? You look sick. Are you sick?"
0:21:42 > 0:21:44But I could never open up.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46It affects the way you interact with people.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49It does affect the friendships and the fact that, you know,
0:21:49 > 0:21:53you love your friends, love your family, but you're always hiding.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57It's not just about the physical deception of maybe wearing clothes
0:21:57 > 0:21:59or wearing make-up so you don't look sick.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03It's actually having to make lies up and...
0:22:03 > 0:22:07follow them through and remember what lies you've told people.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08It made me really low.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11In the worst times it made me suicidal.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- It did?- Yeah.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Those thoughts actually came into your mind?
0:22:16 > 0:22:20At what point did you think, this has gotten too far?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23I'd been in hospital quite a few times.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25At one point I was drinking quite a lot as well.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Obviously, if I hadn't ate for a few days,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30or I have ate and I've thrown everything up,
0:22:30 > 0:22:32it's understandable that my body can't take alcohol.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35So I would have two or three glasses of wine
0:22:35 > 0:22:37and pass out and wake up in hospital.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39And the last time it was actually
0:22:39 > 0:22:43a nurse who had already seen me in hospital.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45And she had said, "You're going to kill yourself.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48"You're going to die if it carries on."
0:22:49 > 0:22:54And I wouldn't say that that was the moment of change, but it was...
0:22:55 > 0:22:59..the trigger of the change to recover.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Do you think, in the community,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04the fact that this is happening to so many people,
0:23:04 > 0:23:07is known, or even understood?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10It's like a taboo subject. People don't want to talk about it.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13And because people aren't talking about it,
0:23:13 > 0:23:14how can anyone understand it?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17But I would be surprised if...
0:23:18 > 0:23:21..someone was able to prove that this wasn't happening
0:23:21 > 0:23:23to a lot of guys, because I think it probably is.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29The gay community puts so much pressure on us
0:23:29 > 0:23:30to look a certain way,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33and Rye is a perfect example of when that pressure
0:23:33 > 0:23:36for the perfect body goes too far.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Although I knew there were issues in the community with this,
0:23:39 > 0:23:44I now understand that there are so many people suffering in silence.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47It's way bigger than we ever imagined.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50People are really good at hiding it though.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Really good.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59In a bid to raise awareness about
0:23:59 > 0:24:02all the body image issues I've come across,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05I agreed to bare all for a photoshoot.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06And today is the day.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13So we've arrived at the studio.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Say hi, guys.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Whoo!
0:24:16 > 0:24:17This is Ryan from Gay Times.
0:24:17 > 0:24:22- Hi, Ryan.- Hi.- So, Ryan just gave me a synopsis of what's going on.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25What is it that I have to do today?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27- Take all your clothes off. - All of them?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- All of them.- Not even like tighty whities?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- Not even.- Nothing, guys!
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Fucking nothing!
0:24:36 > 0:24:40So, this was the last naked issue for Gay Times.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Oh, my God. They're so attractive.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44It's not too posed, it's playful and it's a good way
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- of showing your personality as well.- OK.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49The most important thing, for any photo shoot,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52doesn't matter what you're doing, is it's all about confidence.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Confidence is the key thing.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56And I reckon, give it ten minutes of the photoshoot
0:24:56 > 0:24:58and you'll be absolutely fine.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01'I've trained, I've dieted, I've spray-tanned,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04'but Luke is going to give me a final polish and finishing touch.'
0:25:04 > 0:25:05Just take your jacket off.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08The first of many items to be removed.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18What would be your concern about doing a naked shoot?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21I just... I don't feel like it's perfect.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25But also then I realise that nothing can be perfect.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Just stand up and take your shirt off for me.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Lovely! Can we do this again?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42- What's this, now? - This is a bit of oil.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45I'm being oiled. I'm literally being oiled.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46LUKE LAUGHS
0:25:46 > 0:25:48That's nice. I like that.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Do you normally contour your models' bodies?
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Some of them, yes.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58But, for the purposes of this shoot, I'm not going to do it.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- Really?- It just needs to be you - raw, real, as it is.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03I'm feeling OK...I think.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05I am worried about getting aroused.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Don't...don't even go there.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10So, what do we do now?
0:26:10 > 0:26:14- Come on over. We'll do a couple of test shots and then get going.- OK.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17LAUGHTER Can someone help me?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19No, now I need to change hands!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22LAUGHTER
0:26:23 > 0:26:24I'll keep hold of that.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Hi!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28OK, so take a seat.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32OK. Let's start with a couple of slightly moodier sort of looks.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33That's good.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Perfect.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Stripped bare, this leap of faith
0:26:39 > 0:26:42is about so much more than a pretty photo.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Perfect. That's good.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47I've been handed the chance to highlight issues
0:26:47 > 0:26:50in the gay community about the body image pressures people feel,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52which, for some, lead to very dark places.
0:26:52 > 0:26:57But, for everyone I've met, these issues have led to second-guessing,
0:26:57 > 0:27:01moments of insecurity and the desire to find validation.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Can I see any of them? It's like I have no neck.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06That's the only thing I'm noticing here.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08That's nicer. Oh, I like that one.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Yeah.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I've seen a couple of the pictures and I'm really surprised.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Like, I'm really happy with them.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19My confidence is through the roof. I look like... Whoo, I don't care!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Standing here, in my birthday suit,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26the one thing that is absolutely clear
0:27:26 > 0:27:28is that my body doesn't define who I am.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Can you maybe swap hands quickly?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Do it the other way.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34Sorry.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Good, perfect. Hold that there. Try the other way.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Let's have your other hand up with your glasses.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44OK. So, slightly moodier.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Three, two, one...go.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Yeah, that works really well.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Three weeks ago, I did a naked photoshoot for this magazine
0:27:55 > 0:28:00to promote body positivity and body-love and self-love.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Ta-da! All my God!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06There it is there.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Can you see that?
0:28:08 > 0:28:10A six-page spread.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12This is the next one. This is my favourite one.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13That's a nice angle, isn't it?
0:28:13 > 0:28:17Look, it's favourable lighting, I got a spray tan the night before.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19And this is the last one, on a chair.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Using my foot and my leg
0:28:21 > 0:28:23to covertly cover my special bits.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26That's the feature. I think it's a really great read
0:28:26 > 0:28:29because hopefully it will give you some insight into the issues
0:28:29 > 0:28:31that exist in the community and how you can kind of
0:28:31 > 0:28:33be more at one with your body.
0:28:33 > 0:28:34I know, after doing this,
0:28:34 > 0:28:37I have gained so much confidence in my own appearance.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40I'll chat to you in a couple of days, my loves.