0:00:06 > 0:00:07Depression.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09- Bipolar.- Schizoaffective.
0:00:09 > 0:00:10Agoraphobia.
0:00:10 > 0:00:11Anorexia nervosa.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Obsessive compulsive disorder.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Social anxiety disorder.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16Multiple personality disorder.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22BBC3 asked us to film our own lives...
0:00:25 > 0:00:27..to get inside our minds.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Why?
0:00:28 > 0:00:30In order to understand what it's like...
0:00:30 > 0:00:32..to have a mental health disorder.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Bleugh!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra!
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I will be the first boy dinosaur!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Put my glasses on. Do I look a bit more glam now?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45From the moment we find out...
0:00:45 > 0:00:46I felt mental.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I don't think anyone understands.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53To learning to live with our condition.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54The what's...
0:00:54 > 0:00:56And the challenges we face along the way.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Becks just fainted inside the club.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Why does this have to be so hard?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07People.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I feel so angry, I want to pull my face off.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14We're not all axe-murdering people,
0:01:14 > 0:01:17we don't all go crazy at the flip of a switch.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21This is our story.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- Story.- Story.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- In our own words. - In our own words.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26In our own words.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28This is our story in our own words.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Yeah, you are mad.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32SHE LAUGHS
0:01:32 > 0:01:34It's an actual illness.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38It's just like having the flu, but in your brain for a very long time.
0:01:38 > 0:01:49This programme contains some strong language.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Ugh!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02This is shit.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I'm really bad at this.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Doh!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Try again, try again, try again, right.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Hello! It's me, Abby.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Um...basically,
0:02:26 > 0:02:28my care co-coordinator came round on Tuesday last week
0:02:28 > 0:02:31and she gave me all this information about bipolar,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34as I'm literally, like, just coming to terms with the fact
0:02:34 > 0:02:37that I have bipolar and trying to understand it and stuff.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder,
0:02:46 > 0:02:54which is kind of categorised really as extreme highs and manic lows,
0:02:54 > 0:02:59and I think it's really difficult to explain, really.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01I can't do this, I'm so bad!
0:03:01 > 0:03:05So it talks about how there's two extremes
0:03:05 > 0:03:08and she drew this, like, diagram for me
0:03:08 > 0:03:10and I thought it's quite interesting so I might draw it as well.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Everybody's life is like, kind of like this.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17It's got ups and downs and ups and up a bit more
0:03:17 > 0:03:19and then, down a bit.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Kind of thing like that.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24If these were the norms, like,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26that people live in,
0:03:26 > 0:03:30and then, she drew how, like, someone with bipolar would be.
0:03:30 > 0:03:35So their lines would be slightly higher and slightly lower...
0:03:35 > 0:03:37SHE CHUCKLES
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Sorry. Then, a bit higher and they might stay up there,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44then they could come right down,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47cos they're just outside of the norms, kind of thing.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Basically, everybody has highs and lows in their lives,
0:03:50 > 0:03:54but for some people, they're more extreme
0:03:54 > 0:03:57and that's when it's known as bipolar.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Well, because I've only really just been diagnosed,
0:04:14 > 0:04:19I'm only really starting to begin to get in touch with what that's...
0:04:19 > 0:04:21what that really is like for me
0:04:21 > 0:04:24and what, what is my illness and what isn't.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52I first noticed my condition when I was around...
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Well, as far back as I can remember, really, I haven't,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I couldn't remember a time when I had been happy.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I knew that there was something wrong.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I think there's a lot of fear of the unknown,
0:05:05 > 0:05:06I didn't like being in the unknown,
0:05:06 > 0:05:09so I didn't really talk about it for quite a while.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I didn't know it were depression at the time,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14I thought it was something which everybody went through, everybody suffered from.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21When they told me that I had anorexia, I was just like,
0:05:21 > 0:05:26"No, I don't, there's definitely nothing wrong with me at all."
0:05:26 > 0:05:29I felt mental and I hated that feeling.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32I felt like people would label me as crazy.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40One minute I was at school and I was in a lesson,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43just being a normal teenager.
0:05:43 > 0:05:48That afternoon, I collapsed,
0:05:48 > 0:05:53I was taken to hospital in an ambulance straight from school
0:05:53 > 0:05:59and by that evening, I had a nasogastric tube up my nose
0:05:59 > 0:06:02because I couldn't feed myself.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07I was at a dangerously low weight.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25This is my room on the ward.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Pretty average room,
0:06:26 > 0:06:31it's quite empty now, because I've been packing.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Hey, guess who I am? Guess who I am?
0:06:34 > 0:06:38SHE HUMS
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Bye, Tilly's room. Thanks for having me.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16I'm finally home! Ooh!
0:07:20 > 0:07:21SHE LAUGHS
0:07:30 > 0:07:35It hasn't really gone as well as I'd hoped.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40I haven't really managed to stick to my meal plan.
0:07:40 > 0:07:45The thought of eating and eating makes me want to die.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50I wish someone could just take it all away and make it all better.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53If only it worked like that.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12I have agoraphobia and depression.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I thought it'd be a good idea to show you my boundaries.
0:08:15 > 0:08:21If we were to go up here, then up the road is town.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22I don't go that far.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Makes me feel sick just looking at it.
0:08:33 > 0:08:40Agoraphobia is not a fear of spiders, that's arachnophobia.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44I have a fear of leaving my house.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46That's my house, somewhere there.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50I have a fear of being in public places.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I'm very lucky in the fact
0:09:01 > 0:09:06that I have a boyfriend that understands...doesn't understand but is supportive.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- So this is Jake. Say hi, Jake. - Hi, Jake.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12But I know that it's really difficult on him.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14What do you do for me everyday, Jake?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I go to the shop, about once or twice a day...
0:09:17 > 0:09:18SHE CHUCKLES
0:09:18 > 0:09:20..maybe three times.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- What else do you do for me? - Cook and clean...
0:09:22 > 0:09:23SHE LAUGHS
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- All the time.- That's such a lie!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30OK, Mr Hero, what we doing this afternoon?
0:09:30 > 0:09:34We are going to...attempt to go to the pub.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36It's only there, there it is.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37It's there.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Opposite. So it's not that far.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- Nope.- Erm, go for like a drink, got the day off.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I'm going to show you what I have to pack in my bag.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Beta-blockers!
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Propranolol.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58- Lol.- Lol.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Gas mask. Is it called a gas mask?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Oxygen thing?
0:10:05 > 0:10:10Yeah, that's it. We're now going to attempt to go to the pub.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Same again?
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Uh-huh.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Thanks.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- Jesus, take your time.- Sorry.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49'How does my condition affect relationships?'
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I don't envy him, at all.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I don't think anyone does, really,
0:10:53 > 0:10:55because he has to put up with it
0:10:55 > 0:10:57and if I'm having a really bad day, I'll get mad at him
0:10:57 > 0:10:59because he's the nearest person
0:10:59 > 0:11:02and he's the person that I see all day every day,
0:11:02 > 0:11:09other than when he's at work, so he gets, like, the direct hit almost.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18I was thinking about Jake
0:11:18 > 0:11:20and when I first met Jake
0:11:20 > 0:11:23and how I was this, like,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25bright and beautiful and bubbly
0:11:25 > 0:11:28and, you know, just, just so different.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I don't think he realises how much...
0:11:30 > 0:11:32SHE SOBS
0:11:32 > 0:11:34..I care about him and how grateful I am
0:11:34 > 0:11:39for everything that he's done and all the stuff that he has to put up with.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41SHE SOBS
0:11:41 > 0:11:45And if he left me, I just don't know what I'd do.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I just want to be that person again, I just want to be her.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52And I don't know how.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57SHE CRIES
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Ready? Have you pressed play?
0:12:28 > 0:12:33I think there is massive stigma attached to mental health.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35There is a stigma attached to having a mental health disorder.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39They say it's like sometimes being dangerous even, like,
0:12:39 > 0:12:41but it's not like that, people aren't like that.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46It's generally portrayed as "They're so crazy and dangerous!
0:12:46 > 0:12:48"They're going to hurt everyone!"
0:12:48 > 0:12:50When, really, it's the other way around,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53I mean, having a mental illness just makes you so vulnerable
0:12:53 > 0:12:55to being exploited by people.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59It's seen or it's viewed by some as a weakness,
0:12:59 > 0:13:04as something that you should just snap out of or man up.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Perhaps it's because you can't see it, so it's not like a broken arm.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Because it's all in there and it's through emotion,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13people can't sympathise with you.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23I had nothing but stress trying to deal with the comments
0:13:23 > 0:13:28that I received from it, the amount of endless..."freak".
0:13:31 > 0:13:36Mental health in itself is controversial to the general society.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39But then, to have this particular condition on top of it
0:13:39 > 0:13:40makes it so much harder.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56CHILDISH VOICE: I will be the first boy dinosaur!
0:13:56 > 0:13:58SHE CHUCKLES
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra!
0:14:08 > 0:14:13If you can imagine a party of strangers, all living in your body,
0:14:13 > 0:14:17that's probably the best way to describe dissociative identity disorder.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23They believe that DID actually comes about in childhood
0:14:23 > 0:14:27before the age of ten if the child has suffered a severe trauma,
0:14:27 > 0:14:31and what happens is that if a person can't fight or flight,
0:14:31 > 0:14:35which is, like, our natural response to do so,
0:14:35 > 0:14:40the brain will cut off part of itself almost, a part of its being,
0:14:40 > 0:14:44so the person doesn't have to remember what's gone on.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49This compartmentalised part eventually becomes an alter
0:14:49 > 0:14:51and then a person.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Babe?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Do you...
0:15:14 > 0:15:15SHE LAUGHS
0:15:15 > 0:15:21..do you ever find my DID distressing or upsetting or anything,
0:15:21 > 0:15:23do you find it hard to be with me?
0:15:23 > 0:15:24All of the time.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29THEY LAUGH
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Yeah, it's extremely distressing.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33No, it's not at all, to be fair.
0:15:33 > 0:15:39It does have its days when things could be a little bit easier.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Strangely enough,
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I know a lot of people would run to the hills screaming,
0:15:50 > 0:15:54but no, to me, it's just something that's like,
0:15:54 > 0:15:57well, obviously, it's not normal, but it's um...I mean,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I don't think it's anything different to anyone else.
0:16:09 > 0:16:14They've all got that little something that makes them special.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18COCKNEY ACCENT: OK, we're actually going to town
0:16:18 > 0:16:20with me and Vicky together, say hello.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22You've got Ed, very flamboyant, quite camp.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25This is my scene, come across the bridge.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27A really active person who's not afraid to let anyone know
0:16:27 > 0:16:29who he is or what he's about or everything else.
0:16:29 > 0:16:35Emo, artistic, perceptive, insecure, blunt, dark, honest,
0:16:35 > 0:16:37intimidating and vain.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Yeah, cos those are what I am, like.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44My job is really a negative job
0:16:44 > 0:16:48and, like, I'm called like a persecutor whatever,
0:16:48 > 0:16:53which means, like, that I'm...I don't know,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56sort of made to do or take the bad stuff.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07AMERICAN ACCENT: We're going for our usual Costa Coffee now.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10We come here like... What? Every other day?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15You've got Jake then, little star-studded movie cast member.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Let me just check the lighting here,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19is it better if I draw the curtains in a little bit?
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Vicky and Jakey, hello, camera!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Wonderful attitude, really cares about everyone else
0:17:25 > 0:17:27and will protect, will do anything he possibly can for Jess
0:17:27 > 0:17:30and everyone else, but he's very sensitive, but will help anyone.
0:17:30 > 0:17:36On the inside, I am a... I'm an actor, a Hollywood actor
0:17:36 > 0:17:38and I'm also a pop star.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45CHILDISH VOICE: This one, I wrote on it earlier.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Do you see this?
0:17:48 > 0:17:52I would describe myself as shy,
0:17:52 > 0:17:55curious, smart, talkative, and opinionated,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58cos I have strong opinions for a ten-year-old.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59SHE LAUGHS
0:17:59 > 0:18:01And then, you've got Ollie,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03who is just the sweetest little kid ever.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Me and GazGaz are eating jelly beans!
0:18:12 > 0:18:16Ugh. Are you going to give me the coffee? Ugh!
0:18:16 > 0:18:17Sorry, Gaz.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22Very, very inquisitive, intelligent, cute.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26DEEPER VOICE: Yeah, um, we are making food.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28You can like be dynamic with the camera,
0:18:28 > 0:18:30you don't have to stand in the corner.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32But I can't get you all in if I stand close.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34But it is OK. Can you get the food in?
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Then, you've got Jamie which cares a lot for people and is a,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40is a very big extrovert.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44I guess I would class myself as the organiser
0:18:44 > 0:18:46and the protector of the system.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49I sort of tend to run Jess's life on a daily basis,
0:18:49 > 0:18:53as in, like, I sort of organise what we're doing, when we're doing it.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I'm sort of the middleman of everyone.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58So Jess doesn't talk to Ed, because they don't like each other.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Jess has a hard time communicating with Ollie,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02so I am the go-between for everything,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05so Jess has to come to me and then, I'll go to them
0:19:05 > 0:19:08and then, I sort of go back and forth between everybody.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Everyone's got their own essence that makes them them
0:19:17 > 0:19:19and so, it's nice, it's wonderful.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- Would you change anything? - Um...no. Not really.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Actually no, there's one thing
0:19:25 > 0:19:28and that's that I'd make her more open about it.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29She has been more open to her friends,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32but I wish you'd be a little more open to other people about it
0:19:32 > 0:19:35and not be so afraid to tell other people.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Hello, seagull.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47I honestly feel that the biggest challenges
0:19:47 > 0:19:49that I face with this condition...
0:19:50 > 0:19:53..is purely how other people see it.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Um... The fact that people don't believe it
0:19:56 > 0:20:01is an extremely common thing that I come into near enough every day.
0:20:12 > 0:20:17If I was to make the condition more aware,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20you know, that is my ultimate goal.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43It's really difficult to explain to someone
0:20:43 > 0:20:48what it feels like to be in a depressed state of bipolar.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I just want to be normal sometimes.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55The best way I can describe it
0:20:55 > 0:20:59is like a black smog which surrounds you
0:20:59 > 0:21:01and it wraps itself around you,
0:21:01 > 0:21:05your organs, your eyes, in your ears,
0:21:05 > 0:21:09everything is completely intoxicated by this black smog.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22We're in.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24This is my sister, Ellie.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Hello.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27What do you think about, like, my weird ways?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30I think it's weird. But I get it.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- You get it?- I get it.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33What about the bipolar?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Yeah, you are mad.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37THEY LAUGH
0:21:37 > 0:21:41How do you find it to have a sister with the condition?
0:22:04 > 0:22:10So, Mum, what do you think bipolar is?
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Bipolar.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17It's like a bit of a split in your personality, I think.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22It's not. That's not what it is.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25No, but I'm saying, on the face of it,
0:22:25 > 0:22:27sometimes, everything can seem OK.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31I mean, you're not manically depressed all the time, in my view.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Do you know what manically depressed is?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Um... Suicidal tendency.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41No, Mum! Manic depression is the same as bipolar.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45How do you find having a daughter with that condition?
0:22:47 > 0:22:51It's really difficult. It's really challenging.
0:22:51 > 0:22:58Um...I obviously wish, like any parent would for their child,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00that it wasn't a condition my daughter had,
0:23:00 > 0:23:05because, at the end of the day, all you want is your child to be happy.
0:23:05 > 0:23:10- I wouldn't have you any other way than you are.- Uh-huh.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I think you're a fantastic person.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16But then, you know that.
0:23:24 > 0:23:30My moods, they can be the most controlling thing in the world, you know.
0:23:30 > 0:23:36I can go from being in a hyper manic state where I am so out of control.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42So me and Vicky, just here,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45are going to the toilet!
0:23:45 > 0:23:46How exciting!
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I'm so talkative, I can't stop talking.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51And this man's playing the piano and it's amazing
0:23:51 > 0:23:53and I really want to go dance with him!
0:23:53 > 0:23:56'I think I'm the most amazing person in the world.'
0:23:56 > 0:23:59I have this new-found confidence...
0:24:10 > 0:24:11SHE LAUGHS
0:24:11 > 0:24:13..and it's like out of control.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17People don't understand that that's...not actually me,
0:24:17 > 0:24:19that's my illness taking over.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Does it give you a buzz when you do things like this?
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Yeah, I love it.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28But I can go from this really high state
0:24:28 > 0:24:31to being rock bottom on the floor.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I feel really shit, really shit.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41My friend came round to tell me some, like, brilliant news
0:24:41 > 0:24:45and I should be so happy for her, but I'm not.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52I just keep thinking that everything is going to change and...
0:24:52 > 0:24:54how much of a failure I am.
0:24:58 > 0:25:03I know it's useless to sit in here saying it's shit,
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I'm not achieving, I know that.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Getting a diagnosis...
0:25:14 > 0:25:17..that's like the first step,
0:25:17 > 0:25:21and then, from here, I suppose...
0:25:23 > 0:25:25..it's a learning process.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41That's cut! That's meant to be cut that!
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Here's the things I find that are troublesome with my bipolar, yeah?
0:25:51 > 0:25:55If I wake up in a bad mood, I can be ready to start fights,
0:25:55 > 0:26:00start on anyone, and people don't understand that's my condition.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11I'm walking down the street and someone's looking at me funny
0:26:11 > 0:26:14and it's a bad day or something, for instance,
0:26:14 > 0:26:16I'm going to react how I normally wouldn't act.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19That's how my bipolar affects me.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30If you're deemed, like, dangerous enough or unwell enough,
0:26:30 > 0:26:33they can take you off the street and put you in hospital.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35This is a dungeon,
0:26:35 > 0:26:38the dungeon hospital.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41At the same time, I'm happy, they do help me, they do help me.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Now, they're trying to help me, that's the, that's the main thing
0:26:44 > 0:26:47I'm going to say about the system though, they are trying to help.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49But this is the place, this is the place.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Yo. This is my crib.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09That floor there, not cheap.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13That wallpaper there, not cheap. That bo system not G.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Obviously, I'm showing you my house as well,
0:27:15 > 0:27:18cos I don't know what you expect of someone mental health.
0:27:18 > 0:27:23Maybe expect to see, like, poo clumps around the house or something
0:27:23 > 0:27:27or some sort of mental behaviour but no, like.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31And here is the missus.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33The arguing.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- The arguing.- Ramping girl.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37THEY LAUGH
0:27:37 > 0:27:38I'm going to ask you, babe,
0:27:38 > 0:27:40even though we've never had this conversation,
0:27:40 > 0:27:44you tend to tell me, yeah, that it's fucked living with me.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45THEY LAUGH
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Sorry, cut out the swearing.
0:27:47 > 0:27:53I find it hard when you're very hyperactive.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56You're more happy, you can be more sad,
0:27:56 > 0:28:00you can be more aggressive than on a usual day.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03When I'm like that, is that me though, Ashley,
0:28:03 > 0:28:06- like normal, normal Ash, or...? - No, that's not you.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08- Exactly.- That's not you. - That's the point.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10- That is the problem, isn't it? - Yeah, that's the problem,
0:28:10 > 0:28:14cos everyone seems to mix it with my personality, including you,
0:28:14 > 0:28:17and forget, that's the problem I face, innit?
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Because it's hard cos I live with you day in day out,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22so it's, like, we're not supposed to write down
0:28:22 > 0:28:24all the ten different personalities that you have
0:28:24 > 0:28:28and flipping tick them off when I see it, like,
0:28:28 > 0:28:32I try to treat you as Ashley all the time,
0:28:32 > 0:28:38so you don't feel like I'm treating you like you're not normal.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40I'm sorry.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42SHE CHUCKLES
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Out in the bits all day long, out on the strip.
0:29:03 > 0:29:07Today, they've got a little open mic thing going.
0:29:10 > 0:29:15That's Peter, the guy that's in charge of everything.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18When you come down and you get in the studio and you get on the mic,
0:29:18 > 0:29:20I think that what you're talking about on the mic
0:29:20 > 0:29:22through your lyrics....
0:29:22 > 0:29:25- Yeah.- ..shows that you've got real insight
0:29:25 > 0:29:28into your life and your experiences and your health,
0:29:28 > 0:29:32and I think that that is really the best therapy.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36- You ready, Ashley?- Yeah, want to record, yeah?- Yeah, man.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39I'm just going to spit everything and we'll arrange it after, innit?
0:29:39 > 0:29:42- HE RAPS:- Life's been hard Tribulations are all a minor
0:29:42 > 0:29:45Struggle like the girls who Put on weave in the morning time...
0:29:45 > 0:29:47'If I'm not listening to music, I'm writing,'
0:29:47 > 0:29:49I'm writing bars to music,
0:29:49 > 0:29:52cos if you're thinking about music,
0:29:52 > 0:29:55you're not thinking about hard grinds and hard life
0:29:55 > 0:29:57so that's how anything creative,
0:29:57 > 0:30:03anything that can intercept the person's negative thinking pattern is good for you.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05I'm going to give you a sign.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07- HE SINGS:- # Life's been depressive From an early age born
0:30:07 > 0:30:10# Life's been depressive From an early age torn
0:30:10 > 0:30:12# Ripped apart and hurt In the worstest way
0:30:12 > 0:30:15# My mind brings me back To the worstest days. #
0:30:21 > 0:30:22Pause, pause, pause.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25I can't even remember the next part I'm through.
0:30:27 > 0:30:28And I say peace.
0:30:36 > 0:30:38- Hi, Jake!- Hello.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41- What day is it today? - It's Valentine's Day.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44- No, it's Thursday.- It's Thursday. - It's Valentine's Day.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46SHE CHUCKLES
0:30:46 > 0:30:47What are we doing today, Jake?
0:30:47 > 0:30:49We're making...
0:30:49 > 0:30:55Couldn't really go out for a meal, so we thought we'd make pizzas.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24That's mine.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26That's Jake's.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29Mmm! Jake's looks the best, everyone agrees.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31- Say bye, Jake.- Bye, Jake.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42Don't really want to go, as per usual,
0:31:42 > 0:31:47but...not really a lot I can...
0:31:47 > 0:31:50It's difficult, I don't really want to let people down.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52I want to try and push myself,
0:31:52 > 0:31:54because summer's coming up
0:31:54 > 0:31:58and I don't want to be stuck in all summer again.
0:32:08 > 0:32:12- So I'm all ready, Jake is... - Nearly ready!
0:32:12 > 0:32:15..getting ready, he's cleaning his shoes,
0:32:15 > 0:32:19and we're about to go to the pub opposite.
0:32:19 > 0:32:25I'm not taking any beta-blockers today,
0:32:25 > 0:32:29because I'm going to be drinking, so I don't want to get weird.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31SHE SIGHS
0:32:35 > 0:32:36SHE CHUCKLES
0:32:39 > 0:32:40You all right?
0:32:56 > 0:32:57What's the time, Jake?
0:32:57 > 0:32:59- It's 11 o'clock.- 11 o'clock.
0:33:02 > 0:33:03You enjoying yourself?
0:33:06 > 0:33:09This is Helena. Say hi, Helena.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11Hi! My name's Helena.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13This is Zana.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Hi! My name's Zana.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18This is Emma. Oh, Emma!
0:33:18 > 0:33:21- So, we're still in the pub.- Hey!
0:33:21 > 0:33:23I'm really pleased that Bex has come out tonight
0:33:23 > 0:33:26because it's her friend's birthday and...
0:33:26 > 0:33:28Stop it, guys, you're making me sad.
0:33:28 > 0:33:32No, no, it's always...it's always better when Bex is there.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35And we are thinking about going into town,
0:33:35 > 0:33:39which is going to be quite difficult, obviously, for me,
0:33:39 > 0:33:42but we're going to give it a go.
0:33:51 > 0:33:55- OK! So we're on our way to town. - Hey!
0:33:55 > 0:33:56So how do you feel?
0:33:56 > 0:33:59I feel better, the fact that we got a taxi,
0:33:59 > 0:34:02- but I do feel that, as soon as we get into that place, I'm going to be sick.- Yeah.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04I don't want the bouncers to look at me and be like...
0:34:04 > 0:34:07They wont look at you, they'll look at you fine.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:34:13 > 0:34:18We can be genuinely wherever you want. We can go home.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21I'm not going to get let in, cos they are going to think I'm like on...
0:34:21 > 0:34:24They'll let you in fine, Bex, they'll let you in fine.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27- They'll think I'm on some kind of drug.- No, they won't, you're fine.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Bex, come on, positive, you're with me,
0:34:29 > 0:34:32you're with me and Zana, your two best friends.
0:34:32 > 0:34:33Can I have ABC, please?
0:34:33 > 0:34:38- HE SINGS:- A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, let's go,
0:34:38 > 0:34:41let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. Come on.
0:34:45 > 0:34:49MUSIC PLAYS
0:35:04 > 0:35:08Bex just fainted inside the club, so we're coming straight back out.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16To be fair, I am fucking impressed you went in there,
0:35:16 > 0:35:18cos I wouldn't have done.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20It's a lot busier than I thought it was going to be.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22- It's pretty busy. - On the bright side...
0:35:22 > 0:35:27It scares the shit out of me and I don't have what you have, so...
0:35:27 > 0:35:30On the bright side, at least we can get a kebab earlier.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32Yeah!
0:35:56 > 0:35:58So I've just had my telephone assessment
0:35:58 > 0:36:01to see whether I qualify for CBT.
0:36:01 > 0:36:06Basically, a psychologist calls you up
0:36:06 > 0:36:10and asks you loads of questions about...
0:36:10 > 0:36:15stuff and you have to fill in one of these.
0:36:17 > 0:36:21Lots of different questions, like,
0:36:21 > 0:36:25"How nervous have you felt over the last week?"
0:36:25 > 0:36:29And they said that I would be put on the waiting list,
0:36:29 > 0:36:34which is good, but the waiting list is apparently four months at the moment,
0:36:34 > 0:36:37which isn't so good,
0:36:37 > 0:36:42which means I've got another four months of being trapped.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08Is there enough support provided for young people like you?
0:37:08 > 0:37:11Yeah, no, maybe.
0:37:15 > 0:37:16I'd like to think there is.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19I mean, I got support and I know it is out there.
0:37:19 > 0:37:24I didn't know where to turn to, who was there, what was available.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27There are so many places in Liverpool to go to
0:37:27 > 0:37:30and I'm hoping it's like that across the rest of the UK.
0:37:30 > 0:37:34You'd go to a doctor and the first thing they'll prescribe you
0:37:34 > 0:37:36is tablets straight away.
0:37:36 > 0:37:40It's not therapy first, it's tablets, then therapy. That's not good.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43I think it's far too easy to slip through the net
0:37:43 > 0:37:45as a young person with a mental health problem.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56Personally, I really don't think there is enough support.
0:37:56 > 0:38:02I've been through years of being on waiting lists crying out for help.
0:38:02 > 0:38:06You have to prove that you're ill enough and stuff and it's just...
0:38:06 > 0:38:07it's not right.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32CAR ALARM
0:38:38 > 0:38:39Come on.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42I don't want to sit here any more.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46There's people and the noise.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51CAR ALARM
0:38:58 > 0:39:01Oh, God, people.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03SHE SOBS
0:39:16 > 0:39:20My social anxiety, that's something that I, I always had
0:39:20 > 0:39:25and I just sort of thought it was normal for a long time
0:39:25 > 0:39:29and I think because I was younger, people used to just sort of work around that,
0:39:29 > 0:39:31so I didn't notice it so much because it was just accepted
0:39:31 > 0:39:33that when you're young, you're a little bit shy,
0:39:33 > 0:39:35so, so people just worked around it.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37But then, as I got older,
0:39:37 > 0:39:39I realised that people were sort of saying, you know,
0:39:39 > 0:39:42"It's a bit silly, why can't you do this?", you know,
0:39:42 > 0:39:44"Why are you so shy, what have you got to be afraid of?"
0:39:48 > 0:39:51Suddenly something could just make me feel really insecure
0:39:51 > 0:39:53about the way that I look. I mean, I always am,
0:39:53 > 0:39:56but then, suddenly everyone that looks at me, they look at me
0:39:56 > 0:39:57cos of what I'm wearing,
0:39:57 > 0:39:59cos I'm stupid and cos I look fat and cos they're judging me.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03There were situations where now I, you know, recognise
0:40:03 > 0:40:06that it terrifies me.
0:40:08 > 0:40:12This leads me to talk about something,
0:40:12 > 0:40:16which is kind of odd, I guess.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19I'm also a model.
0:40:25 > 0:40:30Not as a career or anything, just sort of part-time, I guess.
0:40:35 > 0:40:36People are always surprised
0:40:36 > 0:40:41when they either know that I'm a model and then find out that I have confidence problems
0:40:41 > 0:40:44or when they know all my problems and then find out I'm a model.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47They're always surprised, and I can completely understand why,
0:40:47 > 0:40:49it does seem really weird.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52When you're shooting, I get many chances
0:40:52 > 0:40:54at creating the perfect image,
0:40:54 > 0:40:57whereas, in real life, I've just got me.
0:41:09 > 0:41:13It's things that, like, I've never even noticed, really,
0:41:13 > 0:41:15when I was growing up.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18Been with my boyfriend for a while now and I've noticed things, like,
0:41:18 > 0:41:21you know, like, I never make my own phone calls and asking him to do it
0:41:21 > 0:41:23and he would say, "Why can't you do it?"
0:41:23 > 0:41:27I feel guilty because I'm causing, you know,
0:41:27 > 0:41:30problems and probably getting on people's nerves.
0:41:56 > 0:41:57It's more that it's, you know,
0:41:57 > 0:41:59kind of fear of things that maybe
0:41:59 > 0:42:01aren't necessarily that threatening.
0:42:01 > 0:42:05You know, and if you can conquer enough situations, you know,
0:42:05 > 0:42:08by trying to just kind of confront them
0:42:08 > 0:42:10and be yourself in those situations.
0:42:12 > 0:42:14It was really interesting though,
0:42:14 > 0:42:16cos, like, he made me think about school,
0:42:16 > 0:42:19which I haven't thought about in ages, and about how middle school,
0:42:19 > 0:42:21image became a thing in middle school
0:42:21 > 0:42:24and that was when I was at my biggest, my heaviest weight.
0:42:24 > 0:42:28Whereas in primary school, I hadn't, I'd always been nervous of people.
0:42:28 > 0:42:31When you're a really young kid, it's like not that much of an issue
0:42:31 > 0:42:33because, you know, you don't really care.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36So that was the first time when I started being scared
0:42:36 > 0:42:39of people judging me and what they thought of me.
0:42:46 > 0:42:50I was on antidepressants for my depression a while ago.
0:42:50 > 0:42:53I took them for about a week and then I decided to come off them.
0:42:53 > 0:42:57One, because they didn't make me feel very good,
0:42:57 > 0:43:03but two, mostly, because I didn't want to treat it like that.
0:43:03 > 0:43:08I don't want to rely on tablets to shut me up, you know,
0:43:08 > 0:43:10or shut up that part of me.
0:43:10 > 0:43:13I want to kind of sort it out myself.
0:43:38 > 0:43:40This is where I live.
0:43:55 > 0:43:59So I just got up and I'm going to make my breakfast,
0:43:59 > 0:44:04which is full cereal
0:44:04 > 0:44:07and two slices of toast with bread,
0:44:07 > 0:44:10so that means 300mls of milk.
0:44:18 > 0:44:24I've used only plastic cutlery for quite a long time now.
0:44:24 > 0:44:28That's, honestly, because...
0:44:30 > 0:44:33..I don't like the taste of metal in my mouth,
0:44:33 > 0:44:37but, obviously, at the unit,
0:44:37 > 0:44:41that's classed as, like, an eating disorder behaviour.
0:44:58 > 0:45:04Um... I thought I'd show you what my current meal plan looks like,
0:45:04 > 0:45:07which is quite extensive.
0:45:07 > 0:45:12I'm vegetarian and I've also got quite a severe nut allergy.
0:45:12 > 0:45:16So, obviously, that cuts out meat and nuts, obviously,
0:45:16 > 0:45:17out of my diet already.
0:45:17 > 0:45:21But then, at the unit, we're allowed three dislikes.
0:45:21 > 0:45:25I've put down as my dislikes mushrooms, which I absolutely hate,
0:45:25 > 0:45:29spicy food, and beans and pulses,
0:45:29 > 0:45:32which I managed to get into one.
0:45:33 > 0:45:36I guess that makes it quite difficult as a vegetarian,
0:45:36 > 0:45:42because they're quite kind of typical sort of, like, vegetariany foods.
0:45:42 > 0:45:45So breakfast is a full cup of cereal.
0:45:45 > 0:45:48Lunch is a standard main course.
0:45:48 > 0:45:50And then, at quarter past three, we have a snack,
0:45:50 > 0:45:53and then tea, which is a lighter meal, a full portion main course.
0:45:53 > 0:45:56It's not easy following that.
0:45:56 > 0:45:58There's one side of it in the sense
0:45:58 > 0:46:02that my eating disorder is telling me I shouldn't be eating that much,
0:46:02 > 0:46:03but then, there's the other side
0:46:03 > 0:46:07in that sometimes I physically can't fit that much in
0:46:07 > 0:46:10and like I feel ridiculously, ridiculously full,
0:46:10 > 0:46:13to the point when I'm in so much pain
0:46:13 > 0:46:14that I just can't carry on.
0:46:29 > 0:46:30I've got to make the decision -
0:46:30 > 0:46:36do I listen to my head or do I listen to this stupid voice inside
0:46:36 > 0:46:40telling me not to have dinner? Do I have dinner or do I not have dinner?
0:46:40 > 0:46:42Why does this stupid illness
0:46:42 > 0:46:45have to make everything so much more difficult?
0:46:47 > 0:46:51I feel like I'm having to pick the lesser of two evils here...
0:46:54 > 0:46:56..but I don't want to do either.
0:46:57 > 0:46:59Well, actually...
0:47:02 > 0:47:03..I don't want dinner.
0:47:25 > 0:47:28Living with my condition, I think the normal things
0:47:28 > 0:47:31that I miss out on are probably social situations.
0:47:31 > 0:47:33The amount of friends I've lost because of it,
0:47:33 > 0:47:36because I've been having problems, I've argued with them
0:47:36 > 0:47:39and I can't say to them, "Look, I've got OCD.
0:47:39 > 0:47:41"My mind is not in the right place at the minute,
0:47:41 > 0:47:43"I need some time away from you."
0:47:53 > 0:47:56I've never had a romantic relationship
0:47:56 > 0:48:00that wasn't hosted over the Internet.
0:48:04 > 0:48:08It's hard to find someone that can sort of accept me for who I am
0:48:08 > 0:48:09and what I've got.
0:48:09 > 0:48:13I often don't feel worthy of people's affection, of people's love.
0:48:17 > 0:48:19So not only do you miss out on the social side of things,
0:48:19 > 0:48:23you've got things like education and work when you're just not up to it.
0:48:23 > 0:48:26I do miss quite a lot of uni through my illness though,
0:48:26 > 0:48:28which, is you know, not brilliant.
0:48:31 > 0:48:34Normal things I miss out on day to day
0:48:34 > 0:48:37can be things like parties and social events.
0:48:37 > 0:48:41Just because I am so anxious, I can't go.
0:48:54 > 0:48:56I feel so stupid holding this camera.
0:49:13 > 0:49:16I told a few close friends of mine and at school.
0:49:16 > 0:49:21It went around like wildfire, what I had and what I did have.
0:49:21 > 0:49:26You know, I had this condition and I wasn't pretending
0:49:26 > 0:49:30and my friends, a lot of my friends stopped talking to me.
0:49:43 > 0:49:45I mean, I wasn't going to tell anyone at university.
0:49:45 > 0:49:48I was going to come here and I was going to act normally
0:49:48 > 0:49:51and nothing, nothing was going to be revealed.
0:49:53 > 0:49:55Girly night ready? Hi!
0:49:56 > 0:50:00Two of my flatmates, who I'm best friends with now,
0:50:00 > 0:50:05sat me down and said, "Jess, why do you change all the time?"
0:50:05 > 0:50:08And I said, "What do you mean? What do you mean why do I change?"
0:50:08 > 0:50:11And they were like, "Everyday you're different.
0:50:12 > 0:50:15"All the time you're different. Your reactions are different.
0:50:15 > 0:50:17"One minute, you're fine, next, you're grumpy,
0:50:17 > 0:50:19"next minute, you're happy, next minute, you're sad.
0:50:19 > 0:50:21"Have we done anything?
0:50:21 > 0:50:23"Is it something you need to tell us about?"
0:50:23 > 0:50:25And then, I just broke down and I told them everything.
0:50:25 > 0:50:27I said, this is what's going on and I'm so sorry.
0:50:27 > 0:50:30I'm so sorry that I haven't been so fluent,
0:50:30 > 0:50:34but they were just so grateful that it made sense to them now.
0:50:37 > 0:50:40And I didn't expect that reaction, and do you know what?
0:50:40 > 0:50:43Ever since that I've been telling people here, my friends here,
0:50:43 > 0:50:45everyone's been so accepting.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51Have you ever had any arguments between your personalities before?
0:50:51 > 0:50:53Oh!
0:50:53 > 0:50:56Would you mind holding the camera? Honestly, right.
0:50:56 > 0:50:58Yes. The other day, actually, you should have seen it.
0:50:58 > 0:51:02Obviously, you guys wouldn't have. Jamie and Ed were having an argument.
0:51:02 > 0:51:05Jamie was out cooking and Ed was arguing about food,
0:51:05 > 0:51:08because Ed is anorexic and doesn't like eating food.
0:51:08 > 0:51:10But Jamie needs food to feed us.
0:51:10 > 0:51:12Like, you could just hear Jamie like saying, like,
0:51:12 > 0:51:15"Oh, for fuck sake, Ed!" And just like, "Blah blah blah" on,
0:51:15 > 0:51:19and then, you'd hear this like, "Oh, my God, bitch, don't start on me!"
0:51:19 > 0:51:21And then, you just hear this like the way it was going on
0:51:21 > 0:51:24and...all you would see from a normal point of view
0:51:24 > 0:51:27is just me talking to myself in funny accents
0:51:27 > 0:51:29cooking at the same time.
0:51:46 > 0:51:50Just put up our first poster for our psych cafe!
0:51:50 > 0:51:51Look at this.
0:51:51 > 0:51:55So it's all in Welsh and in English and yeah,
0:51:55 > 0:51:59it's right on the psychology board, so should be good.
0:51:59 > 0:52:01I'm really, really excited.
0:52:01 > 0:52:04I've just got to hang up the rest of these now,
0:52:04 > 0:52:06so there's about ten to go. One down, ten to go!
0:52:13 > 0:52:15It's a bit muddy.
0:52:15 > 0:52:17Look how pretty the trees are!
0:52:19 > 0:52:22Look at the...is that a snowman?
0:52:22 > 0:52:23Bloody hell.
0:52:28 > 0:52:30Hello.
0:52:30 > 0:52:31I know what you're thinking,
0:52:31 > 0:52:34you're thinking, "That girl's got way too much eyeliner on."
0:52:34 > 0:52:35Hey!
0:52:35 > 0:52:38I am called Sophie.
0:52:39 > 0:52:42Oh, I just knocked the camera with my knee.
0:52:51 > 0:52:54When I was nine years old, I was put on antidepressants
0:52:54 > 0:52:59because I had an eating disorder and a phobia of vomiting.
0:53:05 > 0:53:09OK. Looking through the family album of me.
0:53:09 > 0:53:11How old am I here? Four.
0:53:12 > 0:53:14So I was pretty normal.
0:53:14 > 0:53:17Five, happy little child.
0:53:17 > 0:53:20There's me at school, Gordon Bennett!
0:53:20 > 0:53:23And then, here, I'm nine
0:53:23 > 0:53:25and this is when I first stopped eating
0:53:25 > 0:53:28and I had my eating disorder, which was fun.
0:53:28 > 0:53:33You can't really tell there, but I was pretty ill, I look quite skinny.
0:53:33 > 0:53:39And that was because I was sick in public on the way to school
0:53:39 > 0:53:43and then, two weeks later, I was sick again at a big event,
0:53:43 > 0:53:46and, for some reason, my brain thought that was terrifying
0:53:46 > 0:53:49and I developed a really bad phobia.
0:53:49 > 0:53:53That happened when I was nine and then...
0:53:53 > 0:53:54I don't know, it lasted a year
0:53:54 > 0:53:58and that was when I was put on antidepressants and had therapy.
0:53:58 > 0:53:59And then, when I was 13,
0:53:59 > 0:54:02I don't think I've got pictures of when I was 13...
0:54:03 > 0:54:05There I am.
0:54:05 > 0:54:08Gordon Bennett, look at my hair.
0:54:08 > 0:54:11Oh, my God. And there's me.
0:54:11 > 0:54:13I was 16 there.
0:54:14 > 0:54:16Didn't go out the house very often.
0:54:18 > 0:54:19It's on, yeah?
0:54:20 > 0:54:22Where's you? You're not even in it.
0:54:22 > 0:54:24There you are.
0:54:24 > 0:54:25SHE CHUCKLES
0:54:25 > 0:54:28- Introduce yourself, Esther. - What do I say?
0:54:28 > 0:54:31Say, "Hello, I'm Sophie's friend, Esther." Turn it on to yourself!
0:54:31 > 0:54:37Hi! I'm Esther. I'm Sophie's best friend. You're laughing at me!
0:54:39 > 0:54:41She's a bitch, right.
0:54:41 > 0:54:43THEY LAUGH
0:54:43 > 0:54:45How long have we known each other?
0:54:45 > 0:54:48We've known each other since we were about four, five years old.
0:54:48 > 0:54:50So that's 20 years!
0:54:50 > 0:54:5320 long years. 20 good years.
0:54:53 > 0:54:55- 20 strong, beautiful years. - Strong, yeah.
0:54:55 > 0:54:59When did you know I had a phobia of being sick?
0:54:59 > 0:55:01That must have been in primary school, yeah.
0:55:01 > 0:55:04I think, back then, I think I knew that you were worried
0:55:04 > 0:55:06about being around lots of people
0:55:06 > 0:55:08and I think that's what I kind of understood it as,
0:55:08 > 0:55:12I think, back then. It was more like you didn't like...
0:55:12 > 0:55:15- Eating in front of people.- ..eating in front of people and stuff.
0:55:15 > 0:55:18So I know you like to keep that quite private.
0:55:18 > 0:55:21Yeah. Did you know I took medication or anything then?
0:55:21 > 0:55:23- I don't think so, no.- No.
0:55:36 > 0:55:39OK, the medication I'm on is venlafaxine,
0:55:39 > 0:55:41I'm on 75 milligrams.
0:55:48 > 0:55:50Now, I've been taking this for probably four years,
0:55:50 > 0:55:54before that, I was on citalopram for quite a few years.
0:56:02 > 0:56:05I went to see my doctor and said,
0:56:05 > 0:56:08"I'm feeling fine and dandy, can I come off my tablets?"
0:56:08 > 0:56:10And he agreed, he said, "Yeah."
0:56:10 > 0:56:13And this is the first time in my life
0:56:13 > 0:56:17that I've attempted to come off antidepressants.
0:56:17 > 0:56:22The withdrawals are pretty horrific and it scares me a bit, really.
0:56:22 > 0:56:23Let me just turn it off now.
0:56:23 > 0:56:26I've got to try and find the button. Bye.
0:56:38 > 0:56:40Pill box.
0:56:40 > 0:56:42These are all the tablets that I'm currently taking.
0:56:42 > 0:56:43There's quite a lot.
0:56:48 > 0:56:52OK, this is my medication drawer.
0:56:52 > 0:56:55It's not in a particularly sexy package.
0:56:55 > 0:56:57It actually looks really boring.
0:57:15 > 0:57:20I've been on so many different medications now, I've lost count.
0:57:20 > 0:57:24I can't even remember what they were originally, you know?
0:57:28 > 0:57:31I'm currently...I've been on loads of different ridiculous things,
0:57:31 > 0:57:34but I'm currently on Prozac, fluoxetine.
0:57:34 > 0:57:35Fluoxetine.
0:57:35 > 0:57:39Cipralex 10 milligrams. And it's basically a...an antidepressant.
0:57:39 > 0:57:43They put me on sertraline, which is an antidepressant,
0:57:43 > 0:57:48and sometimes, I get asked if it has any side effects.
0:57:48 > 0:57:53Well, um... Yeah, I think it does, you know.
0:57:53 > 0:57:54Oh, double sided.
0:57:54 > 0:57:57You can get diarrhoea, headaches, dizziness.
0:57:57 > 0:58:00Depression, feeling strange, nightmares, anxiety,
0:58:00 > 0:58:04agitation, nervousness, decreased sexual interest.
0:58:04 > 0:58:07Nobody has sex with me, it's fine.
0:58:07 > 0:58:10Poor appetite, which I found a little bit stupid
0:58:10 > 0:58:13seeing as I also have anorexia.
0:58:13 > 0:58:14Cancer!
0:58:16 > 0:58:18Fuck off!
0:58:18 > 0:58:20Coma. Closing up of throat.
0:58:20 > 0:58:21Can't wait for that one.
0:58:21 > 0:58:24Heart attack and sudden death.
0:58:24 > 0:58:27Not that death would be very sudden after all of those things.
0:58:27 > 0:58:30Intestine problems, ear infections, cancer, swollen glands...
0:58:30 > 0:58:33Whoa, whoa, whoa, roll back - cancer.
0:58:35 > 0:58:38I'd love to come off medication, I'd love to be medication free,
0:58:38 > 0:58:40but I'm just not ready.
0:58:40 > 0:58:42So I've been on them for nearly...
0:58:44 > 0:58:46..eight years now? Seven, eight years?
0:58:47 > 0:58:51Which is never good, really, but I'm trying to get off them.
0:58:53 > 0:58:55I don't want to be on them for the rest of my life.
0:59:39 > 0:59:40Thank you.
1:00:00 > 1:00:02HE MOANS
1:00:07 > 1:00:09'The reason why I drink is because
1:00:09 > 1:00:14'it kind of gives me an hour of feeling normal.'
1:00:14 > 1:00:16Oh, no.
1:00:16 > 1:00:19I'm always spilling, I've spilt it all over my shoe.
1:00:19 > 1:00:21and I always do it.
1:00:21 > 1:00:24If I didn't have a drink, I wouldn't feel normal.
1:00:41 > 1:00:43HE PUFFS
1:00:43 > 1:00:46Having anxiety, anyway, and depression sort of...
1:00:46 > 1:00:50they're both, are like, the anxiety and depression
1:00:50 > 1:00:52and they both work together,
1:00:52 > 1:00:55so it's like, if you get anxiety, that can cause depression,
1:00:55 > 1:00:59if you get depression, that can cause anxiety.
1:00:59 > 1:01:01So they can just rub off on each other like so.
1:01:01 > 1:01:03It's like a circle, you know,
1:01:03 > 1:01:05and then, I start drinking,
1:01:05 > 1:01:07because I want to get rid of it,
1:01:07 > 1:01:09but then, that actually makes it worse in the end
1:01:09 > 1:01:12and I end up drinking more. So I can't win.
1:01:27 > 1:01:29Do you find it hard to smile?
1:01:29 > 1:01:32Yeah, I get embarrassed.
1:01:32 > 1:01:34Really? Can you try and smile now?
1:01:36 > 1:01:37- Yeah.- Go on, then.
1:01:40 > 1:01:43- There. Is that your smile?- Yeah.
1:01:45 > 1:01:48- Can't you do a better one? - I used to smile a lot more.- Yeah.
1:02:26 > 1:02:28Ugh!
1:02:37 > 1:02:40So, yeah, that was me, in London, in Oxford Circus,
1:02:40 > 1:02:46and it was the kind of perfect body that anyone would want.
1:02:46 > 1:02:52When I look at this, I see me, it is me,
1:02:52 > 1:02:54but it's me at a different time in life.
1:02:54 > 1:02:56This was before I even thought mental.
1:02:56 > 1:03:00I didn't know mental health problems existed or I didn't know about them.
1:03:03 > 1:03:06Sorry, that's for all the smoking.
1:03:06 > 1:03:10I used to be really physically fit, really good muscles,
1:03:10 > 1:03:14I felt amazing, I used to train everyday.
1:03:14 > 1:03:16I feel so...
1:03:18 > 1:03:20..so many different things going on in my mind.
1:03:23 > 1:03:27Sort of lost the will to talk now.
1:03:27 > 1:03:29I have to go, sorry.
1:03:31 > 1:03:32Just can't do it at the moment.
1:03:59 > 1:04:01It's Monday morning,
1:04:01 > 1:04:04so I'm going to have to go in
1:04:04 > 1:04:06and get weighed this morning.
1:04:06 > 1:04:08I'm actually pretty terrified,
1:04:08 > 1:04:14because I know that I haven't managed
1:04:14 > 1:04:17to make the weight gain this week.
1:04:17 > 1:04:19It's just been too difficult,
1:04:19 > 1:04:21I don't, I just don't know how to do it,
1:04:21 > 1:04:26I just don't, I don't know how people...
1:04:26 > 1:04:31just kind of eat normally.
1:04:31 > 1:04:36The only thing that I feel like I can do out of desperation
1:04:36 > 1:04:39is water load,
1:04:39 > 1:04:44which is essentially just drinking, like,
1:04:44 > 1:04:50drinking a lot of liquid to falsify my weight.
1:04:50 > 1:04:53I feel like I've got no other choice.
1:04:53 > 1:04:57Like, I've screwed things up and I don't know what else I can do.
1:05:01 > 1:05:05I'm just about to get weighed and I'm actually terrified,
1:05:05 > 1:05:09like, totally and utterly, completely terrified.
1:05:11 > 1:05:13Just off to get weighed.
1:05:25 > 1:05:29As far as they're concerned, I gained 0.8.
1:05:29 > 1:05:34It's in the requirements of 0.5 to one kilo gain
1:05:34 > 1:05:36I need to make a week.
1:05:36 > 1:05:41Um.... However, what they don't know is that actually
1:05:41 > 1:05:43that wasn't a true weight and...
1:05:45 > 1:05:47..I did water load quite a lot.
1:05:49 > 1:05:52Oh, it's a messy business.
1:06:24 > 1:06:26I kind of feel crappy for having to keep people awake.
1:06:26 > 1:06:29I don't mean to, I just, I don't feel tired.
1:06:29 > 1:06:32I've done everything. I've even read a book.
1:06:32 > 1:06:35I never read books, I don't like books.
1:06:35 > 1:06:38So, but that didn't settle me off.
1:06:53 > 1:06:59I wish everyday that I could be the five foot six, brown hair,
1:06:59 > 1:07:03blue-eyed movie star that I am on the inside.
1:07:03 > 1:07:05Imagine yourselves,
1:07:05 > 1:07:07imagine you being stuck in a body,
1:07:07 > 1:07:09stuck in someone's body that isn't yours
1:07:09 > 1:07:11and you have to live their life,
1:07:11 > 1:07:15you can't live your life, because that's not your body to live.
1:07:15 > 1:07:18That's not yours to take.
1:07:18 > 1:07:22I'm fed up of being viewed as an imaginary person
1:07:22 > 1:07:24or a part or a fragment or...
1:07:27 > 1:07:29..just something made up.
1:07:29 > 1:07:30Something non-existent.
1:07:31 > 1:07:34I'm rambling and I'm feeling kind of sorry for myself,
1:07:34 > 1:07:36I get to that stage sometimes.
1:07:38 > 1:07:39Never mind, though.
1:07:39 > 1:07:41Anyway, thanks for listening.
1:08:02 > 1:08:06I'm supposed to be going to a Christmas party in half an hour.
1:08:10 > 1:08:14I don't want to, I don't know what to wear.
1:08:33 > 1:08:39I'm at the party now and just haven't been downstairs yet.
1:08:39 > 1:08:45I'm trying to calm myself down, it's really hard.
1:08:45 > 1:08:47They're all Alex's parents' friends.
1:08:49 > 1:08:54They're all older than me and I feel like...
1:08:56 > 1:08:58..like lower class.
1:08:58 > 1:09:04I just can't imagine right now being able to respond.
1:09:06 > 1:09:08What if someone speaks to me?
1:09:08 > 1:09:11I feel like I'm just going to break down.
1:09:19 > 1:09:22What if I come across like I don't want to talk to people
1:09:22 > 1:09:25because I'm just not bothered? That's not, it's cos...
1:09:25 > 1:09:27I don't think you do.
1:09:27 > 1:09:33I know I do sometimes, but it's not them, it's me being scared of them,
1:09:33 > 1:09:36but I know there's no reason for it most of the time.
1:09:36 > 1:09:37SHE SOBS
1:09:37 > 1:09:38I'm sorry.
1:09:38 > 1:09:42You don't have to be sorry. Come on.
1:09:42 > 1:09:44SHE CRIES
1:09:57 > 1:10:02I've decided I'm going to stay upstairs for a while.
1:10:02 > 1:10:07I would like to go downstairs a bit later, but I'm going to feel, like,
1:10:07 > 1:10:12now that I haven't gone down, going down is going to be a bigger thing.
1:10:29 > 1:10:31Hello.
1:10:32 > 1:10:34I'm having a crap moment,
1:10:34 > 1:10:36so I thought I'd document it.
1:10:36 > 1:10:39I don't know how far away this is from my face or if you can hear me.
1:10:39 > 1:10:44I ran out of my antidepressants two days ago by accident,
1:10:44 > 1:10:46because I put the prescription in for the wrong thing.
1:10:46 > 1:10:49Anyway, it's the weekend
1:10:49 > 1:10:53and I haven't been able to get hold of any more until Monday,
1:10:53 > 1:10:57and...and I'm fed up.
1:11:00 > 1:11:04Just really, in a really bad mood. I hate everyone and hate everything.
1:11:36 > 1:11:39I want to claw my face off, I'm so upset.
1:11:47 > 1:11:51I feel so angry, I want to pull my face off.
1:11:57 > 1:11:59I hate myself.
1:12:08 > 1:12:13I felt like I was a bloody heroin addict coming, going cold turkey.
1:12:13 > 1:12:14That's really how I felt.
1:12:14 > 1:12:16And no-one had ever told me
1:12:16 > 1:12:19that coming off antidepressants was this hard.
1:12:19 > 1:12:22I went to the doctor to get more medication
1:12:22 > 1:12:25and I said, "Look, I don't think I'm ready to come off these tablets,
1:12:25 > 1:12:28"I need to go back on my full dosage because I can't function."
1:12:28 > 1:12:31And he said, "Yeah, you're not ready to come off them."
1:12:31 > 1:12:36So, I'm back on them and I've come to the conclusion
1:12:36 > 1:12:42that I'd rather be on them and want to get up
1:12:42 > 1:12:46than not be on them and be really ill and be horrible to everyone.
1:12:46 > 1:12:51I thought I was ready and I'm not and I'm OK with that now.
1:12:51 > 1:12:52Anyway...
1:12:54 > 1:12:55..I think I've rambled enough.
1:13:27 > 1:13:30If you could get rid of your condition, would you?
1:13:32 > 1:13:33Well, that's a tough one.
1:13:33 > 1:13:35That's a very good question.
1:13:38 > 1:13:39Um...
1:13:42 > 1:13:43Um...
1:13:49 > 1:13:50I don't think so.
1:13:50 > 1:13:53It's made me who I am.
1:13:53 > 1:13:55My obsessive personality is who I am.
1:13:55 > 1:13:59Without it, I don't know who I'd be. I might be really boring.
1:13:59 > 1:14:02I'd like to say no, because it's who I am,
1:14:02 > 1:14:04but to be brutally honest,
1:14:04 > 1:14:08if somebody said, "Would you like me to take this away?",
1:14:08 > 1:14:12I would say yeah, I'd snap their hands off.
1:14:13 > 1:14:16I don't want this to hold me back any more.
1:14:16 > 1:14:19Years of my life have been wasted on this stupid illness,
1:14:19 > 1:14:24and it's so exhausting that I just want to live now.
1:14:26 > 1:14:29If I could get rid of my condition, I happily would, really.
1:14:29 > 1:14:31It's incredibly debilitating
1:14:31 > 1:14:35and it makes simple, negligible things so hard.
1:14:35 > 1:14:38I'd probably get rid of the memories.
1:14:38 > 1:14:40I'd get rid of how it affects my life now,
1:14:40 > 1:14:43but I wouldn't take away the person it's made me.
1:14:54 > 1:14:57CAR RADIO: "Million Dollar Bill", by Whitney Houston
1:14:57 > 1:15:00# I've been searching for something Like this, I'm saying
1:15:00 > 1:15:03# Ooh, oh, oh, oh!
1:15:03 > 1:15:06# If he makes you feel
1:15:06 > 1:15:08# Like a million dollar bill
1:15:08 > 1:15:10# Say - oh, oh, oh
1:15:10 > 1:15:12# Say - oh, oh, oh
1:15:12 > 1:15:14# If you go left, right, up, down
1:15:14 > 1:15:16# Make you spinning round and round
1:15:16 > 1:15:18# Say - oh, oh, oh
1:15:18 > 1:15:20# Say - oh, oh, oh
1:15:20 > 1:15:22# If he makes you feel
1:15:22 > 1:15:24# Like a million dollar bill
1:15:24 > 1:15:26# Say - oh, oh, oh... #
1:15:46 > 1:15:48Morning.
1:15:49 > 1:15:54I've just woken up and got my head around
1:15:54 > 1:15:56the fact this is my last day at the unit.
1:15:58 > 1:16:00It's going to be really, really strange.
1:16:22 > 1:16:25I'm leaving for the last time, signing out.
1:16:27 > 1:16:28It's really sad, actually,
1:16:28 > 1:16:32saying goodbye to people I've been around for so long.
1:16:33 > 1:16:34SHE CHUCKLES
1:16:49 > 1:16:52Still can't quite believe I've left,
1:16:52 > 1:16:53it feels really strange,
1:16:53 > 1:16:57but it's my time to move on,
1:16:57 > 1:16:58my time to fly,
1:16:58 > 1:17:01and this is where the real challenge begins.
1:17:09 > 1:17:13Why does this have to be so hard?
1:17:14 > 1:17:16Why?
1:17:18 > 1:17:21I don't want to go down for tea.
1:17:26 > 1:17:29I don't want to be like this any more.
1:17:29 > 1:17:33I'd do anything in the whole world to be better.
1:18:09 > 1:18:11How you doing?
1:18:11 > 1:18:16I sort of had some really positive times and some really bad times.
1:18:16 > 1:18:17OK, that's life, isn't it?
1:18:17 > 1:18:21Yeah. I had like a really bad depressive mood swing,
1:18:21 > 1:18:23like, my depression got really bad.
1:18:25 > 1:18:27OK, so when, when was that then?
1:18:27 > 1:18:31That was...I think it was Saturday night.
1:18:33 > 1:18:37There were lots of things just kind of had been building up.
1:18:37 > 1:18:38But there was lots of stress.
1:18:38 > 1:18:41Lots of things happened that, that just sort of triggered it off.
1:18:41 > 1:18:43They were small things,
1:18:43 > 1:18:45but, all together, they all happened in one night.
1:18:47 > 1:18:48I was looking after my brother
1:18:48 > 1:18:53and I was trying to fight it the whole time.
1:18:53 > 1:18:56- I knew that I needed to cry, but I was trying to fight it.- Yeah.
1:19:00 > 1:19:03The next few days after that, I had headaches
1:19:03 > 1:19:06and I felt wobbly and I really felt really bad.
1:19:14 > 1:19:18So I've decided that I'm going to go back to the doctor
1:19:18 > 1:19:23- and ask to be put on medication again.- OK.- Because it was really bad.
1:19:23 > 1:19:26Yeah, don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-medication at all,
1:19:26 > 1:19:29you know, I'm quite the opposite, I definitely know its place.
1:19:29 > 1:19:32I just kind of, you know, recognise that,
1:19:32 > 1:19:34you know, you have got a good degree of control
1:19:34 > 1:19:37- and you do manage to get out of these things.- Yeah.
1:19:37 > 1:19:41You know, the one side effect that people don't really kind of think about sometimes,
1:19:41 > 1:19:42and is certainly not on any packets,
1:19:42 > 1:19:46is the sort of, the psychological side effects sometimes
1:19:46 > 1:19:48that, you know, kind of takes away a bit of confidence
1:19:48 > 1:19:52in being able to get through those really difficult patches.
1:20:03 > 1:20:11They...they've put me on two kinds of medication.
1:20:11 > 1:20:14One that will help sort out my anxiety and depression,
1:20:14 > 1:20:16but that will probably mean I can't sleep,
1:20:16 > 1:20:18and another one to make me sleep.
1:20:29 > 1:20:30Oh, bloody hell.
1:20:30 > 1:20:34I took my first tablet that they gave me
1:20:34 > 1:20:40about an hour or so ago now and I can feel something.
1:20:45 > 1:20:48I suddenly don't feel too good.
1:20:48 > 1:20:52I feel a bit like...happier and smiley.
1:20:54 > 1:20:56I'm sorry if I actually be sick, by the way.
1:20:58 > 1:20:59Aw, aw...
1:21:05 > 1:21:07It's day two of my tablets.
1:21:10 > 1:21:13This might sound weird, but even though I noticed the side effects
1:21:13 > 1:21:17and even though I didn't really like them, I didn't feel in a bad mood.
1:21:17 > 1:21:20But then, I don't know if that was just the placebo of taking it.
1:21:20 > 1:21:25You know, I don't know. But I'm going to keep trying.
1:21:45 > 1:21:47I'm so excited right now!
1:21:47 > 1:21:49Everyone is coming into the hall
1:21:49 > 1:21:51and yeah, I just don't know,
1:21:51 > 1:21:53I'm so, so excited, it's unbelievable.
1:21:53 > 1:21:56So here's my talk, this is where I'm set up for the evening.
1:21:56 > 1:21:59It's coming up here and it comes on the big screen projector here.
1:21:59 > 1:22:01So you can see everyone's filling up,
1:22:01 > 1:22:03it's only ten to six at the moment.
1:22:03 > 1:22:05Places, people! Places!
1:22:10 > 1:22:12APPLAUSE
1:22:15 > 1:22:18Wow. Hello, everyone. Wow.
1:22:18 > 1:22:23I honestly didn't expect, like, this many people to turn up today.
1:22:23 > 1:22:25I must tell you, I'm really, really nervous.
1:22:25 > 1:22:27When I was rehearsing this yesterday,
1:22:27 > 1:22:30I certainly didn't think that I would be this nervous,
1:22:30 > 1:22:32but I am a little bit today.
1:22:32 > 1:22:33But first of all,
1:22:33 > 1:22:36I just want to say a big, big thank you for coming today
1:22:36 > 1:22:39to listen to my personal experiences with this condition -
1:22:39 > 1:22:41dissociative identity disorder.
1:22:54 > 1:22:56For those of you who don't know, my name is Jamie.
1:22:56 > 1:23:00I'm about five foot ten, light olive skin, green eyes...
1:23:02 > 1:23:04So, moving on.
1:23:04 > 1:23:06Demonstration, now, this going to be fun.
1:23:06 > 1:23:09I need one person to be a host, like me,
1:23:09 > 1:23:11and I need three people to be alters.
1:23:11 > 1:23:14Do I have any takers or any brave people?
1:23:14 > 1:23:16Yeah, come on, come up, great!
1:23:20 > 1:23:22Brilliant. Now, these bells
1:23:22 > 1:23:24just give you an example of what it's like
1:23:24 > 1:23:25when an alter is coconscious
1:23:25 > 1:23:28and they suddenly have a problem with something you're doing.
1:23:28 > 1:23:30So every time you have a problem with whatever Luke says,
1:23:30 > 1:23:33whatever Luke does, I want you to ring the bells,
1:23:33 > 1:23:35and then I'll ask you why you have a problem with that.
1:23:35 > 1:23:37So, what time do you usually go to bed?
1:23:39 > 1:23:40BELL CHIMES
1:23:40 > 1:23:41LAUGHTER
1:23:41 > 1:23:44So four or five in the morning for you, Luke.
1:23:44 > 1:23:46And what time do you go to bed?
1:23:48 > 1:23:50What would be your ideal dinner?
1:23:52 > 1:23:53BELL CHIMES
1:23:53 > 1:23:55LAUGHTER
1:23:55 > 1:23:56What's your problem with that?
1:23:58 > 1:24:00Brilliant! Just like Jake. This is great.
1:24:00 > 1:24:06BELLS CHIME
1:24:06 > 1:24:08Thank you ever so much to my lovely alters and host!
1:24:08 > 1:24:10Thank you very, very much.
1:24:12 > 1:24:14Thank you ever so much for listening today
1:24:14 > 1:24:17and it means so much to spread the awareness, you've all been amazing.
1:24:17 > 1:24:19Thank you very much.
1:24:23 > 1:24:25Everyone's leaving now.
1:24:25 > 1:24:27I've had 200 people, 220 people,
1:24:27 > 1:24:30nearly had a full house turn up to my talk today.
1:24:30 > 1:24:32I'm...in awe.
1:24:32 > 1:24:34I really, I actually can't describe, like, tell you
1:24:34 > 1:24:37how amazed I am right now, so thank you to everyone who showed up today
1:24:37 > 1:24:41and I hope that everyone enjoyed it.
1:24:41 > 1:24:42MUSIC: "Not Giving In", by Rudimental
1:24:42 > 1:24:44# Well, it's time to start the show
1:24:47 > 1:24:50# Lost my heart and lost my soul... #
1:24:50 > 1:24:52Thanks, guys.
1:24:52 > 1:24:54Right, that's it.
1:24:54 > 1:24:57# Now it's time That you won't know... #
1:24:57 > 1:24:59I'm sure that's enough, isn't it?
1:24:59 > 1:25:04# Lost my mind and lost my goal
1:25:04 > 1:25:06SHE HUMS: # Not giving in
1:25:10 > 1:25:12# I'm not giving in
1:25:17 > 1:25:18# I'm not giving in!
1:25:22 > 1:25:26# Ooh, I'm not giving in, yeah!
1:25:31 > 1:25:36# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
1:25:36 > 1:25:42# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
1:25:42 > 1:25:45# This time, I'm gonna be stronger
1:25:45 > 1:25:48# I'm not giving in
1:25:48 > 1:25:52# This time, I'm gonna be stronger
1:25:52 > 1:25:55# No, I'm not giving in... #
1:25:56 > 1:25:57Got to get a cig.
1:25:57 > 1:25:59# Not giving in
1:26:03 > 1:26:05# I'm gonna be stronger
1:26:09 > 1:26:13# I'm gonna be stronger
1:26:13 > 1:26:17# I'm not giving in
1:26:17 > 1:26:19# This time, I'm gonna be stronger
1:26:19 > 1:26:22# I'm not giving in
1:26:22 > 1:26:24# This time, I'm gonna be stronger
1:26:24 > 1:26:26# I'm not giving in... #
1:26:26 > 1:26:29Yeah, I guess I'm going to just grab my sandwich
1:26:29 > 1:26:30and I'll see you guys later.
1:26:32 > 1:26:34Bye-bye.
1:26:34 > 1:26:35Let's leave it at that.
1:26:35 > 1:26:37Cool. I'll see you later.
1:26:37 > 1:26:41That's all and thank you for listening. Bye.
1:26:41 > 1:26:44# This time, I'm gonna be stronger
1:26:44 > 1:26:46# I'm not giving in
1:26:46 > 1:26:49# This time, I'm gonna be stronger
1:26:49 > 1:26:52# I'm not giving in
1:26:52 > 1:26:56# This time, I'm gonna be stronger
1:26:56 > 1:26:58# No, I'm not giving in
1:26:58 > 1:27:00# Ooh, ooh... #
1:27:04 > 1:27:07Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd