0:00:02 > 0:00:04This film contains some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting
0:00:04 > 0:00:06and strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09'I'm Rowena Kincaid, a fun-loving, hard-working 39-year-old from Cardiff
0:00:09 > 0:00:12'with a lust for life and a laugh that'll make your ears bleed.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14'I'm also terminally ill. I'm dying from cancer.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17'I've been told that this year is likely to be my last
0:00:17 > 0:00:20'and not to even think about making it to 40.'
0:00:20 > 0:00:21When I was first diagnosed,
0:00:21 > 0:00:23I was told I had three to six months to live.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26'What would you do if you found out you only had months to live?
0:00:26 > 0:00:29'Would you keep calm and carry on as normal?
0:00:29 > 0:00:32'Set about achieving all of your hopes and dreams or say,
0:00:32 > 0:00:35' "Sod this for a game of soldiers, I'm going streaking"?'
0:00:35 > 0:00:37SHE SHRIEKS
0:00:37 > 0:00:40'The first thing I did was to buy myself a car that I can't afford
0:00:40 > 0:00:43'on three years' finance, jump on a plane to Cuba,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45'get drunk and stage a sham wedding
0:00:45 > 0:00:47'with a stranger I'll never see again.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50'For the last 12 months, I've also been making this film
0:00:50 > 0:00:53'for the BBC. You may have seen the first instalment last year,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55'but this is the full story,
0:00:55 > 0:00:58'including what's happened since the broadcast.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00'It's a no-punches-pulled account of my life
0:01:00 > 0:01:04'and my attempt to work out what the hell I'm going to do with it.'
0:01:04 > 0:01:06This is the worst thing that can happen.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- There's nothing worse than this now.- Apart from dying.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09SHE LAUGHS
0:01:09 > 0:01:11It says here, to join the mile-high club.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I still haven't done that.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15'Because if these are my final months,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18'I don't want to tick off a list of wacky cliches.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21'I want to live well and treasure every single second.'
0:01:21 > 0:01:24I don't want to leave this planet. It's too beautiful.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26There's too many nice things to do.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29'So, I'm on a mission to meet others in the same boat as me
0:01:29 > 0:01:31'and see what they're doing with their lives.'
0:01:31 > 0:01:33I will live every single day like it's my last.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36So it's called three girls, two legs, two tumours
0:01:36 > 0:01:37and one enormous mountain.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I've got too many things to do.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41I know. I know, I feel that, as well.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44'But I'm also going to fight this wretched disease.'
0:01:44 > 0:01:46I've been looking forward to meeting my tumour,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I've got some really big swear words for it.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50I wish I could punch it, or something!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53And goddamn you, cancer, I'm going to make it to my 40th!
0:01:53 > 0:01:57'I want to live beyond my prognosis, make it to 40
0:01:57 > 0:01:59'and throw the biggest party for all my friends,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01'but will that be enough?'
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I don't want any more treatment.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I can't believe I'm doing this.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I'm going for a fake tan. I'm going to spray my bald head.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10'Should I be doing more?'
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I've been to plenty of funerals. I sit there and go, "Wow!"
0:02:13 > 0:02:16If they were to write about me, there'd be nothing to say!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19'What if I'm haunted on my deathbed by all the things I didn't do?'
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I don't actually think it's that far off.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23I am actually petrified of dying.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27'I guess we're about to find out, so settle down and strap in,
0:02:27 > 0:02:31'because this is my life, before I kick the bucket.'
0:02:48 > 0:02:50I discovered my lump on a hangover.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54For one moment, I still thought nothing was wrong.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56They found a cyst or something similar, I thought,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59and they're going to tell me to stop eating chips
0:02:59 > 0:03:01or stop drinking alcohol, or something.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06"Your results are back and I'll get straight to it.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09"Your biopsy came back with cancer.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12"I'm sorry to tell you you have breast cancer."
0:03:14 > 0:03:16"You're having a fucking laugh."
0:03:16 > 0:03:20'Last year, I was diagnosed with stage-four secondary breast cancer.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23'There is no stage five. There is no cure.'
0:03:23 > 0:03:25How could this be happening to me?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28I'm too young. Really unfair, so unfair.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33A girl in her prime, fit as a fiddle, and I've got cancer.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36'This is likely to be my last year on this planet
0:03:36 > 0:03:39'and I need to work out what the bloody hell I'm going to do.'
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Make The Most Of Your Time On Earth.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45'Everyone tells me I should write a bucket list.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47'Apparently, that's what you're meant to do
0:03:47 > 0:03:49'when you're terminally ill.'
0:03:49 > 0:03:52They're all saying the same thing - get a tattoo,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55visit every country, skydive...
0:03:55 > 0:03:58It says here to join the mile-high club.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I still haven't done that!
0:04:00 > 0:04:03But they're so cramped in those little toilets!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05It's a little bit bollocks-y, really.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07It is a little bit load of bollocks, isn't it?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I don't know.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I mean, it says here to be an extra in a film.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Well, I've always wanted to do that.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Imagine that, being a Stormtrooper!
0:04:15 > 0:04:16'I've made and posted a video online
0:04:16 > 0:04:19'in the hope of meeting other young people who are terminally ill
0:04:19 > 0:04:21'and living on borrowed time.'
0:04:21 > 0:04:23It might be that you have a bucket list
0:04:23 > 0:04:27or you might think they're actually a waste of time and energy.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29'I'll let you in to a secret.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32'When you tell people on the internet that you're terminally ill,
0:04:32 > 0:04:34'things tend to get a bit crazy.'
0:04:34 > 0:04:36"What a lush girl!"
0:04:36 > 0:04:38'Not only are hundreds of people now getting in touch,
0:04:38 > 0:04:41'my story's been picked up by the media.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42When I was first diagnosed,
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I was told I had three to six months to live.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47That's why I feel like I have to do stuff
0:04:47 > 0:04:51to make the most of my life, while I feel OK to do it, at present,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53before I'm on more treatment
0:04:53 > 0:04:56and then it's treatment and treatment and treatment
0:04:56 > 0:05:00and then it gets worse and there's nothing else I can do but give up,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I suppose. But I'm not going to give up,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04because I've got this massive fire in my belly
0:05:04 > 0:05:05and I just want to do stuff
0:05:05 > 0:05:08but I'm not entirely sure what it is I'm going to do!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10'Of course, there are thousands of things I could do,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12'but when you've only got a few months,
0:05:12 > 0:05:15'how do you know you're not wasting them?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17'I've also got to be realistic.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20'I'd love nothing more than to travel the world,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23'but my trip to Cuba was probably my last.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25'Physically, I'm in no fit state.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29'And besides, have you ever tried getting travel insurance
0:05:29 > 0:05:30'when you're terminally ill?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32So, are you asking, if I'm doing to die?
0:05:32 > 0:05:36'We would need to know how many months your doctor has given you.'
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Yeah. No-one knows how long I've got.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42'Right. Unfortunately, without the information,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44'we wouldn't be able to proceed on the quotation, I'm afraid.'
0:05:44 > 0:05:47'One of the reasons I haven't got a bucket list is because,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50'whilst I've always made an effort in life to travel
0:05:50 > 0:05:55'and have fun, for the last 15 years, my job was my life.'
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Time for the weather now. With the details, here's Rowena Kincaid.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Hello, good morning.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Well, it's going to be a very cloudy Good Friday
0:06:03 > 0:06:07and we do have some rain in the forecast, too...
0:06:07 > 0:06:10'After 13 years working behind the scenes at BBC Wales,
0:06:10 > 0:06:13'I finally got the chance to seize my dream job.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16'Cruelly, soon after starting as a weather presenter,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18'cancer pulled the rug out from under my feet.'
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I've always been that person that believes you can do
0:06:21 > 0:06:25anything in your life, if you set your mind to it,
0:06:25 > 0:06:27and that was my goal,
0:06:27 > 0:06:31and now I'm, kind of, like, "Oh, shit."
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I don't have kids and I don't have a boyfriend
0:06:34 > 0:06:37and I'm never going to get married,
0:06:37 > 0:06:44and I think all those nice, normal, pleasant, reasons-for-living things
0:06:44 > 0:06:46are not mine.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48I think I've got to the point now
0:06:48 > 0:06:50where those things are not meant to be for me now,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52because I was too busy doing that.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55'So, when an e-mail popped up from a young doctor from Bristol
0:06:55 > 0:06:57'saying he was in the same boat as me
0:06:57 > 0:07:00'and completely got what I was saying,
0:07:00 > 0:07:02'I wanted to meet him straight away.'
0:07:02 > 0:07:04So, how long have you been a doctor for?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Only 18 months. I'm enjoying my job. It's good, actually.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11'Because Mark Sims was told only three weeks ago
0:07:11 > 0:07:14'that the skin cancer that nearly killed him as a child was back
0:07:14 > 0:07:20'and that, now, aged 27, he was, like me, terminally ill.'
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Yeah, you know, my life before
0:07:25 > 0:07:27was sat down watching Breaking Bad or something.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- I've been feeling like Breaking Bad, yeah.- Yeah.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30I've wanted to do things.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Maybe we should start cooking crystal meth together...
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- OK, then!- ..on the back of this.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37This is it, this is the kind of thing that,
0:07:37 > 0:07:41when I first got diagnosed, like, I wanted to do crazy shit.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43I did. I just wanted to get myself arrested.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Where do bucket lists come from? Is it from a film?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I don't know. I saw your video and it, kind of, resonated with me,
0:07:49 > 0:07:53the fact that people are almost expected to have a bucket list.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Yeah. Do you feel like there's maybe a little bit of a pressure
0:07:57 > 0:08:01to do more or be extravagant, because this is our time now?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04This is it. This is, like, you've got to do something before you die.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I do.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I clearly don't have the stereotypical bucket list
0:08:09 > 0:08:13of jump out of a plane or do a bungee jump, because...
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Well, I've done a bungee jump, anyway.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17'It's really interesting talking to Mark.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20'It seems that, if you're young and terminally ill,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23'there's a definite expectation to behave in a particular way.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26'But reality is way more complicated.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29'And it's this we're both really valuing sharing.'
0:08:29 > 0:08:31It was only until I broke up...
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Me and the guy I was seeing,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35we broke up on Wednesday,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38did I really realise how shit having cancer is,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41because I can't have a future with him.
0:08:41 > 0:08:46How do you go, "Actually, this can't be a long relationship"?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49'Not only the difficulties of dating whilst dying,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52'but about the lengths you'd go to for a cure.'
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I'd pretty much fuck anything...
0:08:54 > 0:08:56SHE LAUGHS
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I'd fuck the Pope for a cure.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02You've got to live for ever or die trying, in my book, so...
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Oh, my God. Yeah.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06'And the complicated emotions you feel.'
0:09:06 > 0:09:08I'd never really come to terms with being cured from cancer,
0:09:08 > 0:09:10let alone having it again.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Yeah, and then, when it came back...
0:09:14 > 0:09:16It's always been...
0:09:16 > 0:09:20It's always been my worst nightmare and...
0:09:21 > 0:09:24..and there it is.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27You're living through your worst nightmare.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30(Oh, God.)
0:09:33 > 0:09:35I've got too many things to do.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I know.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I know, I feel that, as well.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43'I know exactly how Mark feels.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47'That fear in his gut, I feel it myself every day.'
0:10:01 > 0:10:02'Just over a year ago,
0:10:02 > 0:10:06'a tumour the size of a baked potato began pushing out of my chest.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09'Chemotherapy and radiotherapy shrank it down,
0:10:09 > 0:10:13'but its cells had already spread to my chest cavity and nodes.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16'Life is now a battle just to stay alive.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19'Treatment is gruelling and never ending,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21'not only for me, but for my sister Mel,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24'who tirelessly brings me each time I need chemo.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27'At some point, it will stop working,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29'but for now, it keeps my cancer at bay
0:10:29 > 0:10:32'and it buys me just a little bit more time.'
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I just feel rotten.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Eating is impossible.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38So rotten, I can't move.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40My head is pounding.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41I hate it.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Oh, my God, I just wish it would stop.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47But it keeps me going.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55'After a session of chemo,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57'I'm generally in bed for well over a week.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00'It's like the worst hangover you've ever had,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02'combined with the worst flu.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04'You wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08'And so, when I finally re-emerge into the land of the living,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10'there's often a bit of cleaning up to do.'
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Being on your own,
0:11:14 > 0:11:16living on your own, going through chemo is really hard.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18When you live on your own
0:11:18 > 0:11:20and you're used to doing everything by yourself,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22when you're so independent,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25It's just really testing to get up for a glass of water
0:11:25 > 0:11:30or going to the loo sometimes, even, has been a bit of an effort.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32It's ridiculous.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34It's so sad.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I've never asked anyone for anything and I think,
0:11:37 > 0:11:43if I start asking for help, then that means I'm really ill.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45So, I don't ask for it
0:11:45 > 0:11:48and I don't like to.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49I'm young.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Why should I be asking for help for cooking my dinner?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55It's not right, is it? Really?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00'I do know that I try to protect people from how I feel at home,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03'because it's hard enough to control my own emotions,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06'let alone those of my family and friends.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08'In truth, I don't see my parents particularly often
0:12:08 > 0:12:10'and whilst my brother and sister are my rock,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13'I don't want them, or my mates, as shoulders to cry on.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16'I need them as a refuge of normality
0:12:16 > 0:12:19'and so, I try to keep them at arm's length from my cancer,
0:12:19 > 0:12:20'for their sake and mine,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23'but I've recently heard from a young woman
0:12:23 > 0:12:26'with incurable brain tumours who's not only written a bucket list,
0:12:26 > 0:12:28'but has written it with her friend,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31'and so, I've come to meet her, to see if she can teach me anything
0:12:31 > 0:12:34'about making the most of what time I've got left.'
0:12:34 > 0:12:35- Hello!- Hey, Beth.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37How are you?
0:12:37 > 0:12:41'Beth's only 23 and had just qualified as a teacher
0:12:41 > 0:12:42'when she was diagnosed.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45'She's invited me to her parents' house to meet the whole gang
0:12:45 > 0:12:48'and help them tick off one of their bucket list ambitions -
0:12:48 > 0:12:51'a charity night in for Macmillan.'
0:12:51 > 0:12:53So, it's not a bucket list, then?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55It's not called a bucket list. A bucket list is morbid,
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- so it's a "fuck it" list. - Fuck it?- Fuck it! We're doing it.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00See, it's really interesting,
0:13:00 > 0:13:02because it seems like everyone has to have a bucket list.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05The stereotypical social bit was pushed into my mind,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07because I thought, "I haven't done this!
0:13:07 > 0:13:10"I haven't done it! What am I going to do? I haven't done it!"
0:13:10 > 0:13:12And then, "So... I haven't done it anyway!"
0:13:12 > 0:13:13So you just chilled out about it?
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Yeah! We didn't make the list the week after I was diagnosed.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Ours was to make memories, from my point of view.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23If I don't do them, I don't do them.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- And you're not going to sweat about it?- No.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- It's not going to make a change... - Definitely not.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29'I can't believe how relaxed Beth is.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32'Looking at her, laughing with friends
0:13:32 > 0:13:34'and making jokes about her tumours,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37'I had a bit of an out-of-body experience...'
0:13:37 > 0:13:39What is the point in not laughing about it?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- I do that, as well.- It's not going to solve anything.- That is superb.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43'..because I could, for the first time,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46'see what my friends must see when they look at me -
0:13:46 > 0:13:49'a fun-loving girl making light of a situation.'
0:13:49 > 0:13:51What was it the other day?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I said, "I'll be the one with cancer, dribbling in the corner."
0:13:54 > 0:13:57And they went, "You can't say that!" and I went, "Yeah, I can."
0:13:57 > 0:13:59'But it must also make it so difficult for them
0:13:59 > 0:14:02'to fully grasp the seriousness of my situation.'
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Do you think they really understand what's going on?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I don't think they can. I don't think it's possible.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10It's hard for anyone to understand,
0:14:10 > 0:14:12unless they're in the position, with anything.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16They ask the questions, which they want to understand,
0:14:16 > 0:14:19which is brilliant, and I'd never say they're not supportive,
0:14:19 > 0:14:21because they are.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23If I rang them, they'd be there.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26It's not about support, it's about understanding.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28But I don't think you can understand.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- I didn't understand.- No.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34I didn't understand. Like, I had family relations
0:14:34 > 0:14:37that were really terminally ill
0:14:37 > 0:14:39and I found myself saying those things -
0:14:39 > 0:14:42"You're going to be fine. You're going to make it."
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Do you know what? It's really weird, I know I'm in the same situation,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48but it's really weird looking at you and chatting to you,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I feel like your friends probably do.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52It's just surreal.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56'I'm amazed by Beth's calm.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59'I want whatever she's on.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02'Because as someone who hides behind humour and make-up,
0:15:02 > 0:15:06'I know just how exhausting it is to hold it together
0:15:06 > 0:15:08'in front of friends and family,
0:15:08 > 0:15:12'and just how hard it is to look so happy, healthy and brave
0:15:12 > 0:15:13'all of the time.'
0:15:16 > 0:15:20I don't pretend it's not happening, but I just like to look well.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24I'm really scared that I won't start looking well
0:15:24 > 0:15:27and I know my body's going to be a terrible state, at some point,
0:15:27 > 0:15:32as it all starts getting really bad and...
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Obviously, I won't give a shit about the make-up, by then
0:15:35 > 0:15:40but while I can look good, I want to look good.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42That's basically it.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Because I don't know how long I'm going to look like this for...
0:15:47 > 0:15:51..really, and that does upset me. Sorry.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55'The hardest thing about terminal illness
0:15:55 > 0:15:57'is the total lack of control,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00'but I've realised recently that there is one thing
0:16:00 > 0:16:02'I can completely control,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05'so I've decided to start planning my own funeral.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07'And do you know what?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09'I think I'm going to have a party.'
0:16:09 > 0:16:14Have you given any thought to burial or cremation?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Oh, it's very difficult, because, with burial,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I don't really like the idea of worms eating me.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21And then, there's the cremation...
0:16:21 > 0:16:25I don't like the idea of being burnt to death,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- even though I'll be dead anyway.- Hmm.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30But then, it's really hard to imagine yourself dead.
0:16:30 > 0:16:35- Oh, gosh. It's quite hard to think about, isn't it?- It is.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38'To try and help me make a decision, John, my funeral director,
0:16:38 > 0:16:42'has agreed to talk me through some of the available options.'
0:16:42 > 0:16:45I'm not a boring person, I'm not looking for a boring funeral.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I want people to go to my funeral
0:16:47 > 0:16:50and go, "That was a good funeral, wow."
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I want a funeral like that.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54I know exactly what I'm wearing.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Most of the songs I know are all dance tunes
0:16:56 > 0:16:58and they're all crazy and they're all like,
0:16:58 > 0:17:01# Boop, boop, boop, p-pew! Boop, boop, boop, p-pew! #
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Can you imagine a whole load of people singing that?!
0:17:03 > 0:17:06'Planning your own funeral is a bit like internet shopping -
0:17:06 > 0:17:08'you buy things you wouldn't usually buy.'
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Like, embalming and stuff - what's that all about?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14'And you tend to get carried away.'
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- Flowers or donations?- Both?- OK.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21'But my philosophy is that, with all of the big purchases in life,
0:17:21 > 0:17:25'it's always best to try before you die.'
0:17:25 > 0:17:27You always think about hearses stopping fast
0:17:27 > 0:17:30and then coffins shooting out the back.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34I think that comes from comedy programmes, doesn't it?
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Not that it's very comical.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38'John doesn't normally include a visit to the warehouse
0:17:38 > 0:17:41'as part of the service, but he's kindly doing so for me.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44'And whilst I don't know whether to be buried or cremated,
0:17:44 > 0:17:48'I do know that I want to be comfortable in my coffin.'
0:17:48 > 0:17:49What's that piece of wood there?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- That's a headrest.- Oh, is it?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I don't know how I feel about that.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56So, can you make that more cosy?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- Yes.- Because that's really not cosy, at all.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02In my head, I imagine having a coffin
0:18:02 > 0:18:04that's really comfortable and cosy.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07'I assume John's customers are usually a little less demanding,
0:18:07 > 0:18:10'because this is the first time he's had to fit a coffin
0:18:10 > 0:18:12'on someone still living.'
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I can't believe I'm doing this! That's ridiculous.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- I'm fitting... Oh, no, I'm too tall. - A little bit tight.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I'm not comfortable in this one. No, I don't like this one.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22I want a bigger one, please.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25'But I know exactly what I want to wear,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28'and it's very important that everything looks right.'
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Ta-da!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32So, thanks for letting me do this.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I wouldn't do it for everybody.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37But then, not everyone's as crazy as I am.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41No, you're absolutely right, Rowena! You're absolutely right!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47'Life isn't a dress rehearsal.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49'This is it.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51'This is happening now.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53'And it's funny.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55'I used to put things off till tomorrow.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58'I always told myself that, in the future,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00'my real life, the one I secretly imagined,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02'was finally going to start.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05'I just always thought I had time,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07'but knowing that my time is now limited,
0:19:07 > 0:19:12'well, that's the scariest feeling in the world.'
0:19:12 > 0:19:15I always think that I'm bigger than my cancer,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18but I know it's bigger than me.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22It really upsets me...
0:19:24 > 0:19:30..because at any time, it can just do what it wants
0:19:30 > 0:19:32and I hate it,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34because this isn't me.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38'I'd recently heard from a man who's lived for over 40 years
0:19:38 > 0:19:40'fearing each day could be his last.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44'How do you do that? How do you sleep at night?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47'I'm hoping Tim Wotton can enlighten me
0:19:47 > 0:19:49'because, born with cystic fibrosis,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52'he was told he wouldn't even make it past 17.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54'Yet, here he is,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57'a husband and a father, with a busy City job,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00'who lives every day as if it's his last.'
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Do you always go for a walk on your lunch break?
0:20:03 > 0:20:07And do you always get out and about and do stuff when you can?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Yeah, I try and carpe diem - seize every day.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12When I was younger,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15when I didn't really expect to get beyond 30,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17because so many few people with my illness did,
0:20:17 > 0:20:21I had this mantra around weekends, called "window seven".
0:20:21 > 0:20:25You had a slot, Friday evening, Saturday morning,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28afternoon and evening, and the same on Sunday.
0:20:28 > 0:20:34- I had to fill every single window, hence my "window seven".- OK.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I still feel that way, actually, about life now,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39I've had to slow down, but actually, I still like to feel,
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- should tomorrow never happen... - Yeah. You've done something.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46I feel delighted that I've seen something memorable,
0:20:46 > 0:20:50felt something memorable, and that's important.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Is that a bucket list?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Do you actually have a list of things to do?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- It's never formally been written down.- Right.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00What it is, it's a mantra and a mind-set every day that,
0:21:00 > 0:21:04despite the two to three hours of treatment every day
0:21:04 > 0:21:07and the constant reminders of my illness,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I will live every single day like it's my last.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15So, it's seeing the unseen opportunities to make a difference.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19It's going to appreciate a sight, like today, in London.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23It's going to see some landscape, it's going to get a sea view.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Even stopping still and being in awe of the world around you,
0:21:27 > 0:21:29that people just fly by and miss.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33A bird, an animal, I pick a worm up from the path.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Anything that actually feels like you're in touch
0:21:36 > 0:21:38with your surroundings.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41A lot of people go their whole life and not open their eyes
0:21:41 > 0:21:45and see what's around them, and appreciate being in the moment.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49- Mm-hm.- But actually, every day, that is what I live for.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52'I wonder how many people see the world like Tim.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56'How many people stop and appreciate the beauty of life flying by,
0:21:56 > 0:22:00'and all the everyday opportunities to feel alive?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02'I know I don't.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05'And so, I had decided that, after my next round of chemotherapy,
0:22:05 > 0:22:07'to try living by Tim's mantra.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10'However, before I had the opportunity,
0:22:10 > 0:22:14'I was hit with the devastating news that one of my closest friends -
0:22:14 > 0:22:17'a young and perfectly healthy girl -
0:22:17 > 0:22:19'had been killed in a freak accident,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22'and I'm finding it very hard to take.'
0:22:22 > 0:22:23She's gone.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27SHE SNIFFS
0:22:27 > 0:22:30My friend has died and...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34..this is horrific, really.
0:22:41 > 0:22:49But it's made me think a lot about everything, really, and...
0:22:54 > 0:23:00..I know, like, I'm still lucky...
0:23:03 > 0:23:05..because I'm still here...
0:23:08 > 0:23:13..and I've decided that I'm going to fight on harder,
0:23:13 > 0:23:16because I've got that opportunity,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19whereas she didn't.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21She didn't have that time.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27'In homage to my friend and in the spirit of embracing life,
0:23:27 > 0:23:29'I decided to haul myself out of bed to see an event
0:23:29 > 0:23:33'I know will never happen again in my lifetime.'
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Oh, my God! It's early.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40'Now, there hasn't been a solar eclipse since 1999.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41'I'm pretty sure I was there,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44'but, to be honest, I can't recall anything.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48'At the time, I was in my twenties and partying pretty hard.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50'If it was as early as this one,
0:23:50 > 0:23:52'there's a good chance I was still in bed, hungover.'
0:23:52 > 0:23:55I've brought myself a hat. I've got my gloves, my scarf,
0:23:55 > 0:23:58I've got a blanket, and I've also got
0:23:58 > 0:24:02something quite important in my pocket.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05I believe this is welding glass
0:24:05 > 0:24:08and with that, I should be able to see what's going on.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10I'm going to give it a go now.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I haven't actually looked at the sun yet.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Oh, wow. Oh, my God, you've got to see this! Can we do that?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Can I just put that right to your lens? That's incredible!
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Oh, I'm so glad I've done this.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23I'm so glad I've done this.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Amazing.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29'Now, I don't want to sound like a hippy,
0:24:29 > 0:24:31'but as I walked the beach,
0:24:31 > 0:24:34'I was overwhelmed by a feeling of awesome happiness.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36'And, yes, it had something to do with
0:24:36 > 0:24:39'the mind-boggling magnificence of the eclipse,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42'but it was mostly a consciousness of the simple things -
0:24:42 > 0:24:47'the sun on my face, the sand beneath my feet,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49'the salt air in my lungs
0:24:49 > 0:24:53'and a day of relative health,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55'but, ironically, I'm only enjoying this moment today
0:24:55 > 0:24:58'because my chemotherapy was cancelled.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02'And it only ever gets cancelled when it starts to fail.'
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I had some scan results and it turns out
0:25:04 > 0:25:07that I've got a tumour that's growing and the chemo that I'm on
0:25:07 > 0:25:11is now not really effective. It's not doing its job well enough,
0:25:11 > 0:25:15so now they're going to try a new drug and see if that works instead.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18It's oral, so I have to take it as a pill
0:25:18 > 0:25:21and I'll be taking it every day, day and night,
0:25:21 > 0:25:26and if it works, there's a chance I'll be on this drug permanently,
0:25:26 > 0:25:31and I have been told that people can live more, like, years,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33rather than living by months.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35So, if that's the case,
0:25:35 > 0:25:37then I'll do it, obviously,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40because sitting on a beach, like today,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42to see stuff like what I've seen today,
0:25:42 > 0:25:46I don't want to leave. I don't want to leave this planet.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48It's too beautiful.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51There's too many nice things to do and I'm not done yet.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55I refuse to be taken, because I'm a fighter and I keep on going
0:25:55 > 0:25:57and I... and I...
0:25:57 > 0:26:00and I never give up.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02So, there.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05'The reality of yet another tumour growing inside me
0:26:05 > 0:26:07'is taking time to sink in.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09'In eight months, it's my 40th birthday -
0:26:09 > 0:26:12'the age I was told I would never reach.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15'I've got it into my head as a goal I desperately want to achieve,
0:26:15 > 0:26:18'but until I know that this new drug is working,
0:26:18 > 0:26:21'it just seems like a terrifyingly long way off.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23'The stakes are high -
0:26:23 > 0:26:26'if this particular type of chemotherapy works,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28'I could live on it for a few more years.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30'But every chemo is different.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32'You'll never know how you'll react.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35'And, worryingly for me, after only a few weeks,
0:26:35 > 0:26:38'this one's really messing with my mind.'
0:26:38 > 0:26:42I have this overwhelming feeling of dread
0:26:42 > 0:26:47that, tonight, if I close my eyes, I wouldn't wake up in the morning.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51It was really real.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I could feel my body sinking into the mattress
0:26:53 > 0:26:59and I just felt scared that that was going to be the end.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02I don't actually think it's that far off,
0:27:02 > 0:27:04and that's what scares me a lot.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08I am actually petrified of dying.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11So I've had a few bad days recently.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14I've been having a bit of insomnia.
0:27:14 > 0:27:19I'm having a really hard time of it...again.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22I've kind of really freaked out.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I'm trying to go to sleep but I can't.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28I have this really overwhelming feeling... My tits hurt.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30..that I'm going to die soon.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33They're great to look at, still.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36This whole fear of just not waking up tomorrow morning.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38I just wish they'd behave themselves.
0:27:38 > 0:27:43The chemo tablets I've been on have made me want to go to sleep.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45My cancer is starting to win.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Have I done everything that I need to do?
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Should just put me down, like an animal.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52I had such an awful nightmare.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Oh, my God.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I just hope that I go in my sleep.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00I dreamt that I was in the last stages and I was lying in bed
0:28:00 > 0:28:04and I was next to my sister, the phone just kept ringing and ringing.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05It's never going to stop.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08She was saying, "You can't pick up the phone!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10"You're going to die as soon as you answer."
0:28:10 > 0:28:12It's never going to stop.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14And I was like, "I'm going soon."
0:28:14 > 0:28:18And I had to wake up, because I was like, "Oh, my God.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20"Oh, my God."
0:28:20 > 0:28:22'Chemotherapy is a deal with the Devil.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25'You poison your body in the hope of prolonging your life.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28'But the collateral damage is immense.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30'Because it doesn't just target cancer,
0:28:30 > 0:28:32'it poisons every bit of your body.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35'I had to stop for a couple of weeks, because I was exhausted,
0:28:35 > 0:28:39'but taking a break is itself a risk, because, without chemo,
0:28:39 > 0:28:42'my tumours continue to grow.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44'I'm starting it again with a clear head
0:28:44 > 0:28:46'and I seem to be coping better.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48'In fact, on the days I'm feeling up to it,
0:28:48 > 0:28:50'I've decided to get out there
0:28:50 > 0:28:52'and embrace life with family and friends
0:28:52 > 0:28:56'in the hope of rekindling that fire I felt on the beach.'
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Yes, I've got the yellow Lamborghini!
0:28:58 > 0:28:59'Generally speaking,
0:28:59 > 0:29:02'one day out requires three days in bed recovering.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04'But when your friends surprise you
0:29:04 > 0:29:06'with a snog for the Welsh rugby captain,
0:29:06 > 0:29:09'it's a welcome reminder that life is worth fighting for,
0:29:09 > 0:29:11'even if all the fit ones are already taken.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14'But something else is happening now my cancer's spreading.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17'I'm finding myself being incredibly spontaneous
0:29:17 > 0:29:19'and embracing the moment.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21'I'm not even planning anything,
0:29:21 > 0:29:23'I'm just saying yes to every opportunity.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25'And so, when my hospital asked
0:29:25 > 0:29:27'whether I was interested in meeting my original tumour,
0:29:27 > 0:29:31'the one that got me into this blooming mess, I said yes.'
0:29:31 > 0:29:33In a weird, strange way,
0:29:33 > 0:29:35I've been looking forward to meeting my tumour
0:29:35 > 0:29:37and I've got some really big swear words for it,
0:29:37 > 0:29:40to be honest, but I'm a lady in front of you, so I won't swear.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43Feel free to say whatever you want.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Oh, I've just got lots of words to say to it, I really have.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47You fucking bastard.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50I wish I could punch it or something, but I can't,
0:29:50 > 0:29:52it's your slide here.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55'I can see that saying yes to everything might get me
0:29:55 > 0:29:56'in a spot of bother,
0:29:56 > 0:29:59'but when my friend Sarah said she wanted to take
0:29:59 > 0:30:03'some saucy photos of me in fancy dress for a glamour calendar,
0:30:03 > 0:30:04'how could I refuse?
0:30:04 > 0:30:07'She's actually been asking me for three years,
0:30:07 > 0:30:09'and it's only now that I've got the confidence.'
0:30:09 > 0:30:11So what is the calendar for?
0:30:11 > 0:30:15- A bit of fun...- OK.- ..because... - Was it on your bucket list?
0:30:15 > 0:30:17No, it wasn't on my bucket list,
0:30:17 > 0:30:20but do you remember when you were saying, "I'd love to shoot you"?
0:30:20 > 0:30:23Yeah, I've wanted to for ages. Years, three years ago!
0:30:23 > 0:30:24Three years ago, yeah,
0:30:24 > 0:30:27and I was like, "No, no, no, you can't take a photograph of me,"
0:30:27 > 0:30:31because I would never get undressed or do anything like that.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33So why have you got the courage?
0:30:33 > 0:30:35I've only just discovered that I wanted to do stuff.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38People are offering me things to do and I would never necessarily
0:30:38 > 0:30:41take them up on their offers, but now I'm like, "Why not?"
0:30:41 > 0:30:44'It's funny - you spend so much of your life saying no
0:30:44 > 0:30:48'and living in fear, but precisely when I should be most afraid,
0:30:48 > 0:30:50'I've found myself saying, "Yeah, all right." '
0:30:50 > 0:30:53I look like something out of Amsterdam!
0:30:53 > 0:30:55'Perhaps life's this process in which we slowly relax
0:30:55 > 0:30:58'and accept living in the moment?
0:30:58 > 0:31:00'In truth, I fear something else is happening.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03'I think this is frantic rush is my subconscious speaking,
0:31:03 > 0:31:05'terrified time's running out.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08'So I've decided to visit Dr Linda Blair,
0:31:08 > 0:31:11'a clinical psychologist who I hope might help.'
0:31:11 > 0:31:13I feel like my life is in fast-forward,
0:31:13 > 0:31:15so now it's like, "Get on with it."
0:31:15 > 0:31:18It's like some people do, when they want children and get married,
0:31:18 > 0:31:21it's like, "Right, got to that age, I've got to buy a house,
0:31:21 > 0:31:24"have kids and get married," but it's different.
0:31:24 > 0:31:28Well, it's the same, actually, only I have a death and it's looming.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30Will I actually die going,
0:31:30 > 0:31:33"Oh, I should have gone to the Taj Mahal"?
0:31:33 > 0:31:36- Nobody is ever going to do everything, are they?- No, you can't.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40And so, if it's all these things that you haven't done,
0:31:40 > 0:31:42think how sad you'd feel.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44We've grown up in a society now,
0:31:44 > 0:31:46we're driven really by commercialism
0:31:46 > 0:31:49more than anything, we are so goal orientated.
0:31:49 > 0:31:54We have to have something or do something. What about being?
0:31:54 > 0:31:56I mean, you're a miracle as it is.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59You're an inspiration as it is. That's already enough.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01Does it not energise you?
0:32:01 > 0:32:03It energises those around you.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06I've been to plenty of funerals and I've sat at some and gone,
0:32:06 > 0:32:09"Wow, this person has had such a fruitful life
0:32:09 > 0:32:11"in such a short space of time,"
0:32:11 > 0:32:13but if they were to write about me, there'd be nothing to say.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16If you talk to people on their deathbeds,
0:32:16 > 0:32:20it isn't what they haven't done they regret,
0:32:20 > 0:32:23it's the people they haven't spent time with.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25When humans really talk about what counts,
0:32:25 > 0:32:30it's about feelings and relationships.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33- It stems really from the fear of missing out...- It does.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36..which is rife at this moment in time,
0:32:36 > 0:32:38with the technology we've got.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41People aren't really looking around themselves enjoying their day,
0:32:41 > 0:32:43they're too busy looking at what they're missing out on
0:32:43 > 0:32:46on Twitter and on Facebook and whatever else.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49Meanwhile, they're missing out on life.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51Meanwhile, they're walking past the man of their dreams,
0:32:51 > 0:32:53because their head's down in their phone.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56- See, you've got it! - I'm getting it.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59'Maybe that's what happened that day on the beach.
0:32:59 > 0:33:03'Maybe I wasn't trying too hard. Maybe I was just being?
0:33:03 > 0:33:07'But living with terminal cancer, it's hard to just be.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09'You're always looking over your shoulder,
0:33:09 > 0:33:13'because treating it is like a real-life game of whack-a-mole -
0:33:13 > 0:33:15'a tumour pops up, you whack it with chemo
0:33:15 > 0:33:20'and wait until it inevitably pops up elsewhere.'
0:33:20 > 0:33:24I had some results after a scan.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27It was quite a mixed result.
0:33:31 > 0:33:38Basically, it's controlling the tumours that are in my chest cavity,
0:33:38 > 0:33:40in my breasts, in the skin,
0:33:40 > 0:33:46and also, the tumour that had grown under my armpit had actually shrunk,
0:33:46 > 0:33:54however, the really bad news is that it's in both of my lungs.
0:33:58 > 0:33:59'Cancer in the vital organs.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02'It's not really what you want to hear, is it?'
0:34:02 > 0:34:05I'm just really scared my quality of life
0:34:05 > 0:34:07is going to go down the shitter.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10I'm really dreading that day, and I know it's coming.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15I don't want any more treatment.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18I don't.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21I'm fed up with it.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23I've been on it almost a year...
0:34:24 > 0:34:26..non stop.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28Non stop.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32But I can't stop...
0:34:34 > 0:34:36..because it is keeping me here,
0:34:36 > 0:34:40and that's when you know that you've got something good...
0:34:42 > 0:34:45..is when it all goes wrong.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49Fuck you, cancer!
0:34:49 > 0:34:53Right now, I'm not entirely sure if I'm going to make my birthday.
0:34:53 > 0:34:57I'm not a pessimist at all, I'm very much a realist,
0:34:57 > 0:35:01and although I can see me being alive for my 40th,
0:35:01 > 0:35:03I don't think I will.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06That's the honest truth, I don't think I will.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13'It's now September.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15'And I've been doing some thinking.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17'I've realised up until this point,
0:35:17 > 0:35:20'I didn't really believe I was dying.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23'For some reason, I always thought there'd be a miracle cure.
0:35:23 > 0:35:27'The question of what I do with the rest of my life is now irrelevant.
0:35:27 > 0:35:31'What I want to do, and what I need to do, is to survive.
0:35:31 > 0:35:34'My birthday is still three months away.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37'I'm going to have to begin weekly intravenous chemotherapy.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40'But first, I need to make some preparations
0:35:40 > 0:35:44'that I've been avoiding for a very long time.'
0:35:44 > 0:35:46I've got a Blue Badge! I AM ill!
0:35:46 > 0:35:48SHE LAUGHS
0:35:48 > 0:35:51"This badge should be displayed at the front of the vehicle.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54"It needs to be clearly visible so it can be checked."
0:35:54 > 0:35:56The Blue Badge is not a licence to park anywhere.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58I can park here now,
0:35:58 > 0:36:00because this is all double-yellow lines, isn't it?
0:36:00 > 0:36:02'They say there are five stages you go through
0:36:02 > 0:36:04'when diagnosed with terminal illness -
0:36:04 > 0:36:08'denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally,
0:36:08 > 0:36:10'accepting that parking right in front of the supermarket
0:36:10 > 0:36:12'is actually quite helpful.'
0:36:12 > 0:36:15It feels really weird, just parked in disabled.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18I'm worried people will just think I'm a fraud or something,
0:36:18 > 0:36:19and I'm not.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22'But whilst I can reluctantly accept that getting a Blue Badge
0:36:22 > 0:36:26'is helpful, losing my hair is unquestionably traumatic.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28'I guess I've been lucky that, for the last year,
0:36:28 > 0:36:31'my chemotherapies haven't made my hair fall out.'
0:36:31 > 0:36:33Right, what can we do for you today?
0:36:33 > 0:36:37Well, basically, I'm having chemo
0:36:37 > 0:36:39and my hair is likely to fall out.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42It'll go thin or it could all fall out.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44- It depends on how it goes. - So something similar?
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Something similar would be nice.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48- Yeah.- I think we can sort you out.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51Bear with me a sec while I grab some.
0:36:51 > 0:36:55I need to put this on you - it's hygiene as well as comedy.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Ooh! I look like an elf!
0:36:58 > 0:37:02'I actually lost my hair when first battling cancer six years ago.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04'However, then my future was brighter -
0:37:04 > 0:37:06'my cancer was primary and beatable
0:37:06 > 0:37:09'and I knew my hair would eventually grow back.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11'Now I'm in the market for a wig
0:37:11 > 0:37:13'that I'll likely wear until the end.'
0:37:13 > 0:37:18I think I need help with this one! I look like Cousin Itt!
0:37:18 > 0:37:20'And whilst I'm curious about what I'd look like
0:37:20 > 0:37:23'with a maverick new barnet, it's probably not the best time
0:37:23 > 0:37:25'to stray too far off piste.'
0:37:25 > 0:37:29But it's constant up-keep. I couldn't do that.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32And that's the wig I got! She looks better than me, though.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34I don't think so!
0:37:35 > 0:37:39She looks prettier than me. She's got more make-up on.
0:37:40 > 0:37:44'Whilst I've got my 40th birthday as a goal I am determined to make,
0:37:44 > 0:37:48'I need to be realistic and make some preparations in case I don't.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51'Writing letters to family and friends...'
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Nothing to make them too sad or upset,
0:37:53 > 0:37:56but it would be really nice to have a little note to them
0:37:56 > 0:38:01to say goodbye and how much I loved them.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03'..clearing my flat out of junk...'
0:38:03 > 0:38:06I decided that today was going to be the day
0:38:06 > 0:38:09that I was going to sort out all the bank statements,
0:38:09 > 0:38:10all the utility bills,
0:38:10 > 0:38:13that my family can just close down accounts.
0:38:13 > 0:38:18So hopefully I can leave that in the house and they'll find it.
0:38:18 > 0:38:22'..and trying to pick what music I want played at my funeral.'
0:38:22 > 0:38:25God Is A DJ by Faithless.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28TRACK PLAYS
0:38:30 > 0:38:32I like that one
0:38:32 > 0:38:35but it seems quite...
0:38:35 > 0:38:38MUSIC: Happy by Leona Lewis
0:38:38 > 0:38:40See, this makes me cry,
0:38:40 > 0:38:43cos it's like, if you win or lose,
0:38:43 > 0:38:46and you can't have it all, can you?
0:38:47 > 0:38:50Now, all my mates, and you'll get this,
0:38:50 > 0:38:53all my mates would just laugh their tits off.
0:38:53 > 0:38:55They'd just laugh...
0:38:55 > 0:38:58MUSIC: Out Of Space by The Prodigy
0:38:58 > 0:39:01..because I used to love the Prodigy and I still do.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05Well, I'll be having a party, you see, I'll be up there.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11Big box, little box.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14'Planning my death isn't so much difficult as surreal,
0:39:14 > 0:39:17'because, whilst I know that everyone eventually dies,
0:39:17 > 0:39:20'it's just so hard to imagine the party continuing without me.
0:39:20 > 0:39:25'My final preparation is one I've been struggling with for months.
0:39:25 > 0:39:26'Cremation or burial?
0:39:26 > 0:39:29'Do I become an urn on someone's windowsill
0:39:29 > 0:39:32'or get myself boxed up and buried for the worms?
0:39:32 > 0:39:34'I'm out today for a behind-the-scenes tour
0:39:34 > 0:39:37'of the crematorium where my body would be processed,
0:39:37 > 0:39:39'to see if that helps me make a decision.'
0:39:39 > 0:39:42I've got to get my head around how it feels for other people,
0:39:42 > 0:39:43for them to say goodbye.
0:39:43 > 0:39:47That's the part I think of more than anyone else.
0:39:47 > 0:39:51How do your family feel about you pre-planning like this?
0:39:51 > 0:39:52They don't say anything.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55They don't really say anything. They just say, "Oh, OK, then."
0:39:55 > 0:39:59I think they're coming to terms with the fact that it's not good
0:39:59 > 0:40:04and they worry a lot, and I try and not take on their emotions
0:40:04 > 0:40:09any more, because it's too hard, because I have to cope with my own.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Let's have a look, then.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13This is a bit weird, isn't it?
0:40:13 > 0:40:17Oh, it's a door, it's a door! I imagined something else.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19I don't know.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22Oh, goodness. Is that a person? That's a proper person in there.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29Um...I've forgotten what I was going to say now,
0:40:29 > 0:40:32- seeing that person in the coffin. - You weren't expecting it.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35No. It's fine. I'm quite hardened, but...
0:40:35 > 0:40:40So this is where... Wow. This is where it all goes on, then.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43- Is that a fridge in there? - That's a refrigerator, yeah.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46You know what? It's very weird being in here,
0:40:46 > 0:40:49because now it's become very clinical and very matter of fact.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52I was expecting fire and everything,
0:40:52 > 0:40:56but there's nothing going on here, it's like a lab.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58- Oh, I can see a bone.- Yeah.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00It's not that bad, you know?
0:41:00 > 0:41:04It's more fascinating than anything else.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07- So are these dusty bits dead people? - They are dusty bits.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09Are they dead people? What's all that?
0:41:09 > 0:41:12- That's somebody's hip! - That's hip joints, yeah?
0:41:12 > 0:41:16Would you allow my cat in my coffin to be burnt and cremated with me?
0:41:16 > 0:41:19Officially no, we cremate human beings.
0:41:19 > 0:41:23- Oh. Don't want to mix up the humans with the cats?- No.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Genetically, we're not the same.
0:41:25 > 0:41:30Ultimately, though, I feel kind of like, I am just flesh and bone.
0:41:30 > 0:41:34- Hmm.- It actually homes in that I am just something
0:41:34 > 0:41:37that can be burnt and just put into a box.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40Even though it's a bit hard,
0:41:40 > 0:41:46it's not bad. It's like, you've got to put your body somewhere.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51It's really depressing.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53I don't like being in a graveyard.
0:41:55 > 0:41:57It's horrible.
0:41:57 > 0:42:02It's nice, it's peaceful but all these people?
0:42:02 > 0:42:05It's the people that are left behind, innit?
0:42:05 > 0:42:08It's all right for me, I can bugger off and die,
0:42:08 > 0:42:12but then you've got all the people afterwards.
0:42:14 > 0:42:16There's so much love in this place.
0:42:16 > 0:42:21'I do think I'm now in a position to say, yes, I want to be cremated
0:42:21 > 0:42:24'and, yes, I'm ready to write my last will and testament
0:42:24 > 0:42:27'and, yes, I now desperately want chemotherapy,
0:42:27 > 0:42:30'because, since the last one failed,
0:42:30 > 0:42:32'I can feel that my tumours have grown.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35'And with three long months to go before my birthday,
0:42:35 > 0:42:38'I need to get something toxic into my body soon
0:42:38 > 0:42:41'if I have any chance of making it.
0:42:41 > 0:42:43'Today, as usual, my sister Mel is with me
0:42:43 > 0:42:46'for what is to be my 16th course of intravenous chemo,
0:42:46 > 0:42:50'including tablets, that's my 200th chemotherapy treatment.
0:42:50 > 0:42:54'Before we can start, they've got to make sure I can tolerate it.
0:42:54 > 0:42:57'If I can't, I may have run out of options.'
0:42:57 > 0:42:59Have you got any allergies?
0:42:59 > 0:43:01Penicillin. What else am I allergic to, Mel?
0:43:01 > 0:43:02I'm allergic to the dishes.
0:43:02 > 0:43:05- Just general dusting and cleanliness, I think, yeah.- Shut up!
0:43:05 > 0:43:08I clean! You try doing bloody housework when you're bloody ill,
0:43:08 > 0:43:10- I tell you, it's not funny. - Like I don't offer!
0:43:10 > 0:43:14You say, "No, no, no, I like to save it for when I'm feeling better!
0:43:14 > 0:43:15"It gives me something to do!"
0:43:15 > 0:43:17I love bringing my sister to my chemo sessions.
0:43:17 > 0:43:20- Oh, my God, she does my head in! - You do my head in.
0:43:20 > 0:43:23- I'm going home.- Shut up. - You're going to have to walk back.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25You cow bag.
0:43:28 > 0:43:30Oh, shit.
0:43:30 > 0:43:32Sorry, I don't know why I'm crying.
0:43:32 > 0:43:33Do you want a tissue?
0:43:33 > 0:43:35No, I'm fine.
0:43:35 > 0:43:37Sorry...
0:43:37 > 0:43:39- I didn't know I was going to cry. - It's OK.
0:43:41 > 0:43:43I feel silly now.
0:43:44 > 0:43:47Right, even strong people have to cry, right?
0:43:47 > 0:43:50I'm going to kick its fucking ass again.
0:43:50 > 0:43:51Ooh!
0:43:51 > 0:43:55'Intravenous chemotherapy is like psychological torture.
0:43:55 > 0:43:59'Four tedious hours of toxic dripping into your arm.
0:43:59 > 0:44:02'And you can't leave, you can't fight.
0:44:02 > 0:44:05'You've just got lie back and take it and hope,
0:44:05 > 0:44:09'but one thing I've learnt is that these wards are not to be feared.
0:44:09 > 0:44:13'No matter how brutal the treatment, life doesn't end here.
0:44:13 > 0:44:16'These corridors are trenches of unimaginable kindness...'
0:44:16 > 0:44:20- Look after yourself. You as well. - I'm going to be fine.
0:44:20 > 0:44:22- Take care, darling.- Ta-ra.
0:44:22 > 0:44:24'..of unflinching bravery...'
0:44:24 > 0:44:26Oh, love her.
0:44:26 > 0:44:29'..and of unconditional love.'
0:44:37 > 0:44:39'Good news and bad news.
0:44:39 > 0:44:42'My body seems to be tolerating the new chemotherapy.
0:44:42 > 0:44:45'I've got the usual hangover-like symptoms, but I'm not being sick.
0:44:45 > 0:44:49'I am, however, moulting like a dog.'
0:44:49 > 0:44:52It's going really bald already today.
0:44:52 > 0:44:55I don't think it's going to last another couple of days.
0:44:55 > 0:44:59I'm just touching it and that's how much hair just comes out.
0:45:00 > 0:45:03'I've asked my friend Natalie to cut my hair
0:45:03 > 0:45:05'and see if we can salvage something
0:45:05 > 0:45:08'because I'm not quite ready to shave it all off.'
0:45:08 > 0:45:11This is it now. Now I'm, like, on my way to being bald
0:45:11 > 0:45:13and obviously a cancer patient,
0:45:13 > 0:45:16which is what I've tired not to look like for two years.
0:45:17 > 0:45:20I don't know if it's myself I'm trying to convince
0:45:20 > 0:45:24or everyone else around me, that I'm fine, but obviously I'm not.
0:45:24 > 0:45:27It's really highlighting the fact I'm not well.
0:45:27 > 0:45:29I fucking hate it.
0:45:30 > 0:45:32Ohh!
0:45:32 > 0:45:34Always.
0:45:35 > 0:45:36Thank you.
0:45:40 > 0:45:43'Predictably, over the last few days,
0:45:43 > 0:45:45'my hair continued to fall out.'
0:45:45 > 0:45:48I look like something out of a horror movie.
0:45:48 > 0:45:51'So I've called Natalie back and roped in my friend Benny
0:45:51 > 0:45:55'for moral support, and told them bring the wretched clippers.'
0:45:55 > 0:45:58- I think my hair was actually upset it was falling out.- I'd be fuming.
0:45:58 > 0:46:00Yeah, it's really not happy.
0:46:00 > 0:46:03- I've just had my colour done. - Did you just have your colour done?
0:46:03 > 0:46:06Yeah, 80 quid. I'm going to go for a fake tan this afternoon.
0:46:06 > 0:46:09- Are you?- Going to spray my bald head. It's got to match, innit?
0:46:09 > 0:46:11Imagine that, a brown face and a white head.
0:46:11 > 0:46:13You're making this very pain free.
0:46:13 > 0:46:16I can guarantee my friend would make me laugh
0:46:16 > 0:46:17in such a horrible situation.
0:46:17 > 0:46:19Thing is, if you did speak to me five days ago,
0:46:19 > 0:46:22I was really upset, I was crying every five minutes.
0:46:22 > 0:46:25I think you just need time to re-adjust and know what's going on.
0:46:25 > 0:46:28- Were you on your own, though?- Yeah.
0:46:28 > 0:46:30I think being on your own is not good.
0:46:30 > 0:46:31You need to be with people.
0:46:31 > 0:46:34You need to be with company, even if you go on Skype or something.
0:46:34 > 0:46:35I don't want to upset people.
0:46:35 > 0:46:39"Hi, I'm crying today, can you come and give me a cuddle?"
0:46:39 > 0:46:42This is a disease that will wipe you out in a week if it chooses to.
0:46:42 > 0:46:45- Of course.- You're going, "I'll just deal with these days on my own.
0:46:45 > 0:46:47"When I feel a bit better, I'll see people."
0:46:47 > 0:46:49But you need to see people on the days you don't feel so good.
0:46:49 > 0:46:52It's a personal identity thing, I was having an identity crisis.
0:46:52 > 0:46:54My blueprint of myself had gone.
0:46:54 > 0:46:57- Do you want a mirror?- Yeah, let's have a look at this face, then.
0:46:57 > 0:47:00Oh, it's horrible, isn't it? It's horrible.
0:47:00 > 0:47:02Don't you think it looks better than this morning?
0:47:02 > 0:47:05Yeah, it's miles better, but it's still horrible to see.
0:47:05 > 0:47:07You look better in yourself today than you did on Friday.
0:47:07 > 0:47:10I'm happier, because now I know where I am.
0:47:10 > 0:47:13It's done now and I've just got to move on and just get on with it.
0:47:13 > 0:47:15I got most of my strength from having my hair,
0:47:15 > 0:47:17because I didn't look ill.
0:47:17 > 0:47:19This is the worst thing that can happen.
0:47:19 > 0:47:22- There's nothing worse than this now. - Apart from dying.
0:47:22 > 0:47:24SHE LAUGHS
0:47:24 > 0:47:25'You've got to have a sense of humour
0:47:25 > 0:47:27'when you've got terminal cancer.
0:47:27 > 0:47:31'There's no other way of dealing with its relentless cruelty.
0:47:31 > 0:47:34'For the foreseeable future, I'm confined to weekly chemo.
0:47:34 > 0:47:37'If I'm not lying on a bed in hospital,
0:47:37 > 0:47:39'I'm lying in a bed at my flat,
0:47:39 > 0:47:43'frustrated, knowing that life in all its glory
0:47:43 > 0:47:48'continues to unfold outside these four walls...without me.'
0:47:48 > 0:47:53It's mental torture and I'm just in this permanent state of exhaustion.
0:47:53 > 0:47:58And I hate the way I look now, there's nothing I can do about it.
0:47:58 > 0:48:01I don't particular feel very attractive any more.
0:48:01 > 0:48:05'For the last two years, I've been saving money for two things -
0:48:05 > 0:48:08'my funeral and my 40th birthday.
0:48:08 > 0:48:11'On the days I'm feeling up to it, 'I'm planning the latter with Greig,
0:48:11 > 0:48:14'a new friend who got in touch after watching my video.
0:48:14 > 0:48:16'Greig is a cancer survivor himself
0:48:16 > 0:48:19'and knows just what I'm going through.'
0:48:19 > 0:48:22I have felt at times that I just want to stop.
0:48:22 > 0:48:23I know it's crap.
0:48:23 > 0:48:27As long as I've got something positive at the end of it,
0:48:27 > 0:48:29it's worth it.
0:48:29 > 0:48:31Most of the time I'm at home by myself,
0:48:31 > 0:48:34like, recovering from chemo at the moment,
0:48:34 > 0:48:37but I'm a party girl and I love going out partying.
0:48:37 > 0:48:39I think it's really important,
0:48:39 > 0:48:42when you're in this situation, to have things to plan for.
0:48:42 > 0:48:46You want to be there, so you kind of mentally think,
0:48:46 > 0:48:49"I have to be there," so it keeps you going.
0:48:49 > 0:48:52- Yeah.- Does that make sense? - No, it does, definitely.
0:48:52 > 0:48:55'This could be my last birthday, I don't know.
0:48:55 > 0:49:01'So I am making the most of it and I am making it big and out there.'
0:49:01 > 0:49:04Why not? There's no rules!
0:49:04 > 0:49:08'I've decided to empty the bank account and book Cardiff Castle
0:49:08 > 0:49:10'for a fancy-dress, medieval-themed extravaganza.
0:49:10 > 0:49:13'You know, I love the Tudors and I love castles.'
0:49:13 > 0:49:18I just think it will be an awesome venue to have a party,
0:49:18 > 0:49:21instead of a nightclub, and going out just drinking in pubs.
0:49:21 > 0:49:22And why fancy dress?
0:49:22 > 0:49:24Everything has to be fancy dress.
0:49:24 > 0:49:26- Every party?- Every party.
0:49:26 > 0:49:28If I could be in fancy dress every day, I would.
0:49:28 > 0:49:32If I could go to the supermarket in fancy dress, I probably would.
0:49:32 > 0:49:36Obviously, this is way for me to have my friends around
0:49:36 > 0:49:38and celebrate with them.
0:49:38 > 0:49:40I never get to go out and party very much any more.
0:49:40 > 0:49:44In fact, I don't think I can remember the last time I went out
0:49:44 > 0:49:46and partied, so it's about time I had a party.
0:49:46 > 0:49:48I deserve it.
0:49:48 > 0:49:51I've been on chemo for a whole year, I'm knackered but I'm ready
0:49:51 > 0:49:54and I want to have fun so, you know,
0:49:54 > 0:49:59while I still have breath in my lungs and I'm still standing,
0:49:59 > 0:50:01I'm going to enjoy myself,
0:50:01 > 0:50:04even if it's just for that one night, you know?
0:50:04 > 0:50:07'I've been thinking a lot about what Dr Blair said,
0:50:07 > 0:50:10'that people on their deathbeds don't regret what they didn't do,
0:50:10 > 0:50:13'they regret the people they didn't spend time with.
0:50:13 > 0:50:17'I think my biggest regret is never allowing myself to fall in love,
0:50:17 > 0:50:23'because relationships and love and the warmth of human touch,
0:50:23 > 0:50:25'that's what it's all about.
0:50:29 > 0:50:31'With my birthday still a few weeks away,
0:50:31 > 0:50:35'I want to catch up with Mark, the young doctor I'd met with melanoma.
0:50:35 > 0:50:38'Cancer has now spread to his liver, spleen and brain,
0:50:38 > 0:50:40'but is currently being kept stable
0:50:40 > 0:50:42'by a remarkable drug called Debrafanib.'
0:50:42 > 0:50:45My bucket list was simple, so simple I've completed it,
0:50:45 > 0:50:49the last item being the best man for my twin brother Dave,
0:50:49 > 0:50:51all thanks to Debrafenib.
0:50:51 > 0:50:54I was reminded recently that a day can change everything.
0:50:54 > 0:50:57I was asked to talk at my medical school.
0:50:57 > 0:50:59In the bar, a lovely young lady came up to me,
0:50:59 > 0:51:01she told me how much she liked the talk.
0:51:01 > 0:51:04We've been dating for seven months and she's the love of my life.
0:51:04 > 0:51:06It's a mixture of building ourselves up to fail,
0:51:06 > 0:51:08but then there's a desperate desire
0:51:08 > 0:51:10to have what other young couples have,
0:51:10 > 0:51:12and that's each other, for eternity.
0:51:13 > 0:51:15HE GASPS SOFTLY
0:51:17 > 0:51:19I'm going a bit off script here,
0:51:19 > 0:51:23because I found out today that Debrafenib has stopped working,
0:51:23 > 0:51:28so the next line doesn't fit, which is a horrible thing to think.
0:51:28 > 0:51:33You can't work as a doctor with unstable brain cancer,
0:51:33 > 0:51:36- so I might be forced to give up. - Oh.- So...
0:51:36 > 0:51:40I like my job, but it's not where I get my happiness from,
0:51:40 > 0:51:44I get my happiness from spending time with my family
0:51:44 > 0:51:45and my girlfriend,
0:51:45 > 0:51:48and loads of people in life
0:51:48 > 0:51:50throw themselves too far into their jobs
0:51:50 > 0:51:53and people need a reality check and think,
0:51:53 > 0:51:57"Actually, there's only really one thing you need in life
0:51:57 > 0:51:59"and that's good health." I'm sure it's the same for you.
0:51:59 > 0:52:01Yeah, yeah. I've been a little bit down,
0:52:01 > 0:52:03because, obviously, it was in my lungs
0:52:03 > 0:52:05and I wasn't able to breathe properly.
0:52:05 > 0:52:07I had a few breakdowns, as well.
0:52:07 > 0:52:11I lost all my hair and I always promised myself
0:52:11 > 0:52:13that I would never die one of those
0:52:13 > 0:52:16bald, ill-looking, chemo-ridden patients,
0:52:16 > 0:52:19but take away all of this and I'm one of those.
0:52:19 > 0:52:23But on a day like today, where I'm able to come and meet you
0:52:23 > 0:52:26and do stuff, it kind of reminds me that it's necessary,
0:52:26 > 0:52:30- because, if I stop my chemo, I'm gone.- Yeah.
0:52:30 > 0:52:36So I know I have to keep going, because I enjoy days like this.
0:52:36 > 0:52:38I've met other cancer patients and there's this idea
0:52:38 > 0:52:41that a lot of people are dying with cancer.
0:52:41 > 0:52:44- Me and you, we're...- Living. - ..living with cancer.
0:52:44 > 0:52:47Both of us have got too much to live for.
0:52:47 > 0:52:51'December 3rd, 2015.
0:52:51 > 0:52:55'It's grey, overcast and the weather forecast is awful.
0:52:55 > 0:52:58'But Cardiff this morning looks beautiful to me.
0:52:58 > 0:53:01'I'm now grateful for every single day I get on this planet.
0:53:01 > 0:53:03'But this one is special.
0:53:03 > 0:53:06'This is one I thought I'd never see.'
0:53:07 > 0:53:11So today is my birthday
0:53:11 > 0:53:13and I've made it to 40,
0:53:13 > 0:53:15which is brilliant.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17I didn't sleep all last night,
0:53:17 > 0:53:20because I've just been too excited.
0:53:20 > 0:53:22I just can't wait to go and get drunk, really.
0:53:22 > 0:53:26Get me a rum and lemonade as soon as possible, to celebrate.
0:53:26 > 0:53:28'I'm going to be up against it today
0:53:28 > 0:53:30'getting everything set up for the party.
0:53:30 > 0:53:32'I've asked Greig to give me a hand,
0:53:32 > 0:53:34'but let's get our priorities straight.
0:53:34 > 0:53:36'The postman's been with some presents!'
0:53:36 > 0:53:38Let's see what this is, from hospital, first.
0:53:38 > 0:53:41There's always something from the hospital every day,
0:53:41 > 0:53:43even on my birthday.
0:53:43 > 0:53:44Right, what's this?
0:53:46 > 0:53:48Anyway, next card.
0:53:48 > 0:53:51- Oh... Look! - 40 and fabulous, baby.
0:53:51 > 0:53:54Aw... Do you know what? I like that. Always looking for a mirror
0:53:54 > 0:53:58to make sure my eyelashes haven't fallen off and my wig hasn't moved.
0:53:58 > 0:54:00'I'm really pleased about being 40.
0:54:00 > 0:54:03'Most people are really miserable when they hit 40.
0:54:03 > 0:54:05'They're like, "Oh, my God, I'm over the hill," or whatever.
0:54:05 > 0:54:09'It hasn't been without hard work and determination
0:54:09 > 0:54:11'and mental strength, but I'm still here.
0:54:11 > 0:54:14'It is a massive milestone for anyone,
0:54:14 > 0:54:17'but it is an incredible milestone for me.'
0:54:17 > 0:54:20I do love this outfit, though. Do you know what?
0:54:20 > 0:54:23I feel like I should just go down Tesco's like this.
0:54:23 > 0:54:27So I've got wallet, keys, money, lipstick.
0:54:29 > 0:54:31Do I need anything else?
0:54:31 > 0:54:33Oh, yeah, eyeliner glue.
0:54:33 > 0:54:36I bet they never had this trouble back in bloody medieval times.
0:54:36 > 0:54:38COUGHING
0:54:38 > 0:54:41You all right, Greig? Don't die on me now.
0:54:41 > 0:54:44I think I'm allergic to this outfit.
0:54:44 > 0:54:46Oh, no! Don't say that.
0:54:46 > 0:54:48You'll say anything to get out of that outfit!
0:54:48 > 0:54:52'Sorry, Greig, but considering what I've been through to get here,
0:54:52 > 0:54:55'nothing except for actual death is going to stop me making this party.
0:54:55 > 0:54:58'Not allergies...' What a nightmare!
0:54:58 > 0:54:59'..not exhaustion...'
0:54:59 > 0:55:04I've worn myself out so much and I'm just knackered now.
0:55:04 > 0:55:07I can't hear you!
0:55:07 > 0:55:08'..not even foul weather...'
0:55:08 > 0:55:12It's rubbish. See, the rain is ruining my plans!
0:55:12 > 0:55:15'..because tonight I don't just want a night to remember.
0:55:15 > 0:55:19'I want to remember how it feels to be me again.'
0:55:19 > 0:55:22I never did think I was ever going to make it to 40,
0:55:22 > 0:55:24and here I am, in my outfit.
0:55:24 > 0:55:26Yeah.
0:55:27 > 0:55:30I am excited, I'm also a little bit nervous, actually,
0:55:30 > 0:55:34because, you know, it is a big deal
0:55:34 > 0:55:37and it is my big party,
0:55:37 > 0:55:40but I also feel a little bit shy all of a sudden.
0:55:41 > 0:55:42OK. Queen?
0:55:42 > 0:55:46I'm going to pin a bin-liner on my head again. Thanks, Drive!
0:55:46 > 0:55:48- Where...- Oh!
0:55:49 > 0:55:53Oh, my God, why am I born in frickin' December?
0:55:53 > 0:55:55Ladies and gentlemen,
0:55:55 > 0:56:01please be upstanding for our queen of hearts, Miss Rowena Kincaid!
0:56:01 > 0:56:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:07 > 0:56:09SHE LAUGHS
0:56:11 > 0:56:13This is amazing!
0:56:13 > 0:56:16You all look bloody brilliant!
0:56:25 > 0:56:27Wow. Basically wow. Look at you all.
0:56:27 > 0:56:31You look absolutely amazing, every single one of you!
0:56:31 > 0:56:35Better than me, some of you, so off with your heads!
0:56:35 > 0:56:38Thank you for coming and making such an effort,
0:56:38 > 0:56:40and what an effort you've made!
0:56:40 > 0:56:42- Oh, my God...- Because we love you.
0:56:42 > 0:56:45Oh, my God. This is an extra-special milestone for me,
0:56:45 > 0:56:48because, obviously, it's always a milestone when you're 40,
0:56:48 > 0:56:51but, to be honest, I didn't even know I was going to make it,
0:56:51 > 0:56:53so thank you for sharing your time with me.
0:56:53 > 0:56:56I have to say, it has been touch and go,
0:56:56 > 0:56:59and my health has been deteriorating.
0:56:59 > 0:57:01It has been really hard and I have been on chemo
0:57:01 > 0:57:03for a whole year without a break,
0:57:03 > 0:57:06so you can thank chemo for me being here.
0:57:06 > 0:57:09- Whoo!- Yay, chemo.
0:57:09 > 0:57:10- GUESTS:- Yay, chemo!
0:57:10 > 0:57:13I did have some scary news, actually.
0:57:13 > 0:57:17Basically, my baked potato is back, it's growing again,
0:57:17 > 0:57:20so I hope I do have another birthday next year,
0:57:20 > 0:57:23but if I don't, let's make this one count.
0:57:23 > 0:57:25Make it a big one, get absolutely arse-holed
0:57:25 > 0:57:29and if you don't mind, I want you all to dance for me.
0:57:29 > 0:57:31Long live the queen!
0:57:31 > 0:57:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:57:36 > 0:57:39# You don't own me
0:57:39 > 0:57:44# Don't try to change me in any way... #
0:57:44 > 0:57:46'Over the last 12 months, there have been times
0:57:46 > 0:57:48'when I thought I'd never finish this film.
0:57:48 > 0:57:52'But making it has been an absolute dream come true.
0:57:52 > 0:57:55'It's helped me, it's kept me going,
0:57:55 > 0:57:58'and I hope, in some small way, it helps you too.
0:57:58 > 0:58:01'Because tonight, surrounded by those I love,
0:58:01 > 0:58:04'I've found the answer to my question
0:58:04 > 0:58:06'has been within me all along.
0:58:06 > 0:58:09'Life - it's fragile and it's precious -
0:58:09 > 0:58:12'but it's everywhere and it's now.
0:58:12 > 0:58:15'So don't wait till it's too late or leave it all to chance.
0:58:15 > 0:58:17'Just grab it by the balls
0:58:17 > 0:58:24'and remember, life IS a party, so get out there and dance.'
0:58:24 > 0:58:26# ..Whatever I please
0:58:26 > 0:58:29# Don't tell me what to do
0:58:29 > 0:58:32# Don't tell me what to say
0:58:32 > 0:58:36# And please, when I go out with you
0:58:36 > 0:58:40# Don't put me on display
0:58:40 > 0:58:43# I don't tell you what to say
0:58:43 > 0:58:47# I don't tell you what to do
0:58:47 > 0:58:51# So just let me be myself
0:58:51 > 0:58:55# That's all I ask of you... #