0:00:03 > 0:00:06- RADIO:- We're looking at loneliness on BBC Radio Merseyside today
0:00:06 > 0:00:08and how people find ways of dealing with it...
0:00:08 > 0:00:12- RADIO:- The country's been described as the loneliness capital of Europe
0:00:12 > 0:00:13because we are less likely to...
0:00:13 > 0:00:17..The charity says people are coming to them for help in...
0:00:17 > 0:00:20It could be you, it could be me.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22There are literally millions of us out there.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25- RADIO:- Studies have shown that loneliness can be as bad
0:00:25 > 0:00:28for your health as smoking and obesity.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32If it's killing us, why does no-one want to talk about it?
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Facing death doesn't bother me.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38What scares me most is spending the rest of my life alone.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42I can't let myself believe that...that...that this is it.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46'I am lonely. And that's hard to say.'
0:00:46 > 0:00:50You don't have neighbours coming in to see you.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53I live on Lonely Street.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56The headlines say this is the age of loneliness.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58They're calling it a silent epidemic.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- RADIO:- At least three in ten of us feel lonely
0:01:00 > 0:01:03at least some of the time. This is through the year, not just...
0:01:03 > 0:01:07It takes a very brave person to say what it's really like.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10So I went out and asked them to be brave
0:01:10 > 0:01:12and talk about their loneliness.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- My name is Martin. - My name is Iain.- My name is Jaye.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18My name is Richard and I am lonely.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37In every corner of Britain today, people are living alone.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41There are now 7.6 million
0:01:41 > 0:01:44single-person households in this country.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50We leave home. We get divorced.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53We have mental health problems.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56There are many reasons we become isolated.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02'To describe loneliness is one of the hardest things in the world.'
0:02:03 > 0:02:07You can't see it, you can't smell it and you can't touch it.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09You can only feel it when you've got it.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15One of the most significant causes is that we now live longer.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20We're left alone when our husbands, wives or partners die.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Dorothy is the familiar face of lonely.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Oh, dear.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30We were married for 58 years.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34I was only about 17 or 18 when I first met him.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37So it was a lifetime.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40We were ideal. We fitted together.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44When Eric was ill, did you ever think about
0:02:44 > 0:02:46how lonely you would be without him?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- No.- Why not?- No.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Because I never thought that I'd be left without him.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58At times, I turn round and I say, "Eric, why did you go?"
0:03:00 > 0:03:06But... He'd have been...shocked if he'd have heard me, I think.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I've missed him so much that it...
0:03:10 > 0:03:14it just comes natural to say I've missed him.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17I've missed you.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25What's more surprising about the loneliness epidemic
0:03:25 > 0:03:28is that reports now show that it affects young people
0:03:28 > 0:03:31almost as much as their grandparents' generation.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36For 18-year-olds like Isabel,
0:03:36 > 0:03:40leaving home can be a very difficult transition.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42'You tell everyone that you're going to university
0:03:42 > 0:03:44'and everyone's, like, really proud.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46'This is a massive achievement,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48'you're going to love it, you're going to love it.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50'I did think I was going to have what everybody else had.'
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Find the comradeship in my house
0:03:52 > 0:03:56and I was going to go out freshers' week and get a bit drunk.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00As you go on, you realise that you're on your own all the time.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02You don't know anyone, it's a new situation,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04you don't really know what you're doing.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06And actually, you're really lonely.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I was very taken aback by loneliness.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Social media is often blamed for the growing disconnect
0:04:15 > 0:04:18and isolation in our lives.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Great when you're happy and popular,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23but a horrible reminder when you're not.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Facebook does kind of tend to make you feel a little bit worse,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29particularly when you see pictures
0:04:29 > 0:04:31of your friends having fun without you.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36It's not so much that you lie,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38you just kind of, like, brush it under the carpet.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43"Oh, it's great, yeah, you know.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45"I went out on Tuesday and, you know..."
0:04:45 > 0:04:48And then you kind of say, like, "Oh, I'm just chilling by myself now."
0:04:48 > 0:04:51And they kind of think it's because it's, like,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54you've been going out so much, you just need a bit of time on your own,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56when actually, that's all you have.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I do think a lot of students in the first year were lonely,
0:05:02 > 0:05:03but they just didn't admit it.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06You don't want to say, "Actually, I feel lonely."
0:05:06 > 0:05:09You feel like people are going to judge you and mock you.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14I literally stayed in my room for three days.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Sometimes a bit more.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23It felt like a prison because I was in there all the time.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28It feels like there's nowhere else to go.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31And the silence makes you feel a bit funny, so I locked my door.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35It's like I'm stuck in here, this is my prison.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Were you scared?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41I was scared of having to sit in that room.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I was scared of having to go back.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I was scared of the loneliness, really.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Our society has changed.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56And being alone is increasingly part of life today.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00We move away from family and friends.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03We go to the cities to find work, to have a career.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08You're living the dream, you're working hard, you're playing hard.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11And while those things are true, you're not necessarily happy.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13And you feel like you just constantly
0:06:13 > 0:06:15need to be at the top of your game.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I am a bit of a Type A, where I busy myself
0:06:18 > 0:06:21and I want to sort of achieve, achieve, achieve.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Yeah, absolutely. You've come through to the Communications team.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26'And that can be a nice feeling sometimes,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28'but it can also be very, very lonely.'
0:06:28 > 0:06:30And then we'll have our key spokespeople on the ground,
0:06:30 > 0:06:33as well as representatives from each of the regions
0:06:33 > 0:06:34to come in and be available for media.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38I've lived in London for five years and I would still certainly have
0:06:38 > 0:06:40absolute moments of loneliness, for sure.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43In fact, it almost feels like it's getting progressively stronger.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47I kept saying to my parents,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50"Well, next Christmas, I'll be home."
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Now I'm 30 and now I just don't say it.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I say, "Oh, you know, I'm here for the foreseeable."
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I absolutely have days where I feel really sad
0:07:00 > 0:07:04and I do odd things, such as get on Google Maps
0:07:04 > 0:07:06and, like, drive myself around the city,
0:07:06 > 0:07:10and I check in to see my parents' house in New Zealand.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13It does make me feel, "Oh, OK, everything is...
0:07:13 > 0:07:15"You know, they're still there, that is still my home."
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Often, I would think, "What do I have to be lonely about?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25"I have a fantastic job, I'm surrounded by people,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28"I live in London. I mean, there are just so many people here."
0:07:31 > 0:07:34It's difficult to admit you're lonely to other people but I think
0:07:34 > 0:07:37one of the other key things you don't necessarily consider
0:07:37 > 0:07:39is it's really hard to admit it to yourself.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44And it does take a while to, I guess, kind of click in your head.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46"Oh, OK, I think I'm lonely."
0:07:49 > 0:07:51And nobody puts on Facebook,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53"I've just spent the whole weekend inside
0:07:53 > 0:07:56"eating ten packs of Hobnobs and watching Friends."
0:07:56 > 0:07:58People put how great and glamorous their lives are.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- RADIO:- ..Was published recently and your daughter is...
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Everyone posts the best of the highlights reel on social media
0:08:04 > 0:08:06and the highlights reel is not real at all.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- RADIO: - Catherine, let's start with you.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13And what is your evidence that loneliness is more prevalent today?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16To fill the gap in her life, Kylie joined a charity
0:08:16 > 0:08:21that organises monthly tea parties for lonely over-75-year-olds.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25I've been volunteering for three years with Contact the Elderly.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28That has been a key part, for sure, of making me feel
0:08:28 > 0:08:31more connected to London, making me feel more at home.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35And it does provide some semblance of family.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I was very close to my grandmother in New Zealand and she passed away.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43I think it does fill that sort of void.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Would you like a hand cutting and buttering the scone,
0:08:45 > 0:08:47or would you like a serviette?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- I would like a serviette.- Of course.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52The volunteers get just as much out of the charity
0:08:52 > 0:08:54as the elderly, sort of lonely guests.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57And I wish I'd found the charity as soon as I got to London,
0:08:57 > 0:09:00because it would have made the first two years a lot easier.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Kylie's loneliness isn't just caused by being far away from her family.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I moved over to London with my long-term partner.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16We got married and we've recently separated.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19He has made the decision to go back to New Zealand
0:09:19 > 0:09:22and I want to stay in London.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I definitely feel a lot more lonely now. It's really hard.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Times like Christmas and...and anniversaries and things like that.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- Are the tea parties good...?- Yeah.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33And that's exactly it.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36The tea parties have been really, really helpful
0:09:36 > 0:09:38because sometimes Sundays are quite hard, too,
0:09:38 > 0:09:42but you have that to pull you out of the hole that you're in.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45And they remind you, as well, that life, you know, goes on
0:09:45 > 0:09:48and these times will... Things will pass.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52And she can see I'm here
0:09:52 > 0:09:55and she talks to me on the phone all the time.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59'Why I like the tea parties, because of not for the tea.'
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Not for the tea, for the company.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I don't have any company here.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09You're 100! First person I've met.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11I'm telling you, when I go there,
0:10:11 > 0:10:15I meet people and I chat.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I never anticipated being 100.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29I had a wonderful life, looking back.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33At the time, I just took it for granted.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39A century ago, when Olive was born,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42a woman's life expectancy was just 55.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Today, it's 83.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49For so many, this long twilight is now being spent alone.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55My husband was my hand and my foot.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01You won't imagine, he did everything for me.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Take me to work, take me to church.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Bring me back.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13He's dead five years now.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- You all right?- Yeah. - You OK now?- Yeah.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- I'll see you next time. - Thank you so much.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- Bye-bye, darling.- Bye.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30I get up in the morning, then the carer comes.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33She baths me and I have my breakfast.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35FAINT TELEVISION BROADCAST
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Other than that, I'm here on my own day after day,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41just looking at the telly.
0:11:45 > 0:11:50Imagine you sit down here and you don't have nobody to talk to.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53So, what do you want, Olive? What would help your life?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- Moral support.- Company?- Yeah.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00I would like to have somebody to come in and give me a chat.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07But Olive doesn't just sit quietly dozing in front of daytime telly.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12In spite of being 100, she still manages to get out and about.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Keep that going, looking forwards.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Chest plate lifted. Tummies pulling in tightly.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Four to go, and three to go,
0:12:22 > 0:12:26two to go and we're gently stopping there.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Lift your chest.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33If I have to go to exercise on Tuesday, I go.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I have to go to...I go to church every Sunday.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40And I go to a meeting every other Wednesday.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45Other than that...I'm here on my own.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49And again. Pull the elbows back, just to your hips.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Three children, seven grandchildren,
0:12:52 > 0:12:56six great-grand and one great-great-grand.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- That's amazing.- Yeah.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04So, how, Olive, how can you be lonely
0:13:04 > 0:13:07with so many children and grandchildren?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09That is the wonder.
0:13:12 > 0:13:18I say myself, I sit there every day and I wonder.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24I know they're living far. I wouldn't live with them.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I wouldn't live with them.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28- You wouldn't?- No.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36You told me, Olive, that what you're really scared of is...
0:13:36 > 0:13:39To die alone. Yeah.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Yes. That is what I want, somebody to be with me
0:13:45 > 0:13:47and to hold my hand.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49And even we say a prayer when I've gone.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53And now you're scared?
0:13:53 > 0:13:58Well...not that I'm scared, what I'm saying is this,
0:13:58 > 0:14:00that's what I would like.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I don't like to die alone...
0:14:03 > 0:14:05..and they come and find me.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08But I think that is what's going to happen.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Coping with loneliness for the very first time
0:14:17 > 0:14:21when you're in your 80s and 90s is bound to be profoundly difficult.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Everyone has a different way of dealing with it.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30'72 years with the same girl.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33'I mean, we grew together.'
0:14:33 > 0:14:36She used to sort of say we're joined at the hip.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39She'd tell people we'd been together for so long.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Like a lot of people, I mean, Cath and I,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51we had children, we brought them up.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55We didn't volunteer to do anything. We lived our lives.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- Morning, all!- Hiya!- Morning, Bob!
0:15:00 > 0:15:02'And it wasn't until after she died
0:15:02 > 0:15:05'that I realised that something had to change.'
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Hello, everybody. I am Bob Lowe,
0:15:07 > 0:15:12and welcome to this week's edition of the New Milton Talking Newspaper,
0:15:12 > 0:15:17with items of news for the week ending Saturday 6th June, 2015...
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Here is an amusing, light-hearted letter from a scout at camp.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Loneliness affects all of us at some point in our lives.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Relocating to a new area...
0:15:27 > 0:15:29You feel you're doing something good.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31And when you get a feedback from the people,
0:15:31 > 0:15:35it's nice to know that they appreciate what you're doing.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37It's the quality rather than the quantity
0:15:37 > 0:15:39of relationships that counts.
0:15:39 > 0:15:45People who are alone and do nothing deteriorate very rapidly.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Whereas if you're really active,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52um...then you keep your body juices going.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54HE LAUGHS
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- RADIO:- According to Age UK, a million older people
0:15:58 > 0:16:01have not spoken to anyone in the last month.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04And I found that a really startling statistic.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Why is this happening?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Do you feel old, Bob?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- Do I...?- Feel old.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Oh, I'm not old. I'm not old.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13You're thinking I'm old?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15No, no, no. I'm 93, I'm not old.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19- RADIO:- Are we becoming more disconnected, not talking to people...?
0:16:19 > 0:16:23See, I like to go to the shops nice and early, before the crowds get in there.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26So then I'm back, you see, by 8:30
0:16:26 > 0:16:28and I've got the rest of the day ahead of me.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Bob bustles about, volunteering, shopping,
0:16:33 > 0:16:35trying to keep himself occupied.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42But most days, he finds himself drawn back to the life
0:16:42 > 0:16:44he wishes he still had.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50There's nothing that can really replace what I've lost.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57And as I look at pictures of Cath, I'm afraid I can't help but cry.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00So I'm going to stay lonely and have to live with it.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Bob may have accepted that he will now be lonely to the day he dies,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11but he's found a way of keeping Cath by his side.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15After cremation, the undertakers
0:17:15 > 0:17:18brought her ashes back here in a casket.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21It looked horrible standing on the table,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23so one of our daughters made the bag
0:17:23 > 0:17:27and I unscrewed the bottom of the casket
0:17:27 > 0:17:31and took her ashes out and then put them in the bag.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36Is it a comfort, Bob, that you just feel Cath's presence with you now?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Oh, very much so.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42Now I get immense comfort from knowing that she is there,
0:17:42 > 0:17:45albeit in the form of ashes.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Without it, I would really feel desperately alone.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52It's bad enough being alone, as it is.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55To think that she wasn't here...
0:17:56 > 0:17:57To me, she's here.
0:17:57 > 0:18:03Would you rather have Cath there, even with Alzheimer's, than dead?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Is that a dreadful question, Bob?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08It's not a dreadful question.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Under any circumstances, I'd rather have had her live with me,
0:18:12 > 0:18:16because, um...I could nurse her.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19And that's what I'd prefer to do.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28I think what makes so many of us feel lonely
0:18:28 > 0:18:30is the sense of no longer having a purpose...
0:18:33 > 0:18:37..the feeling that no-one really loves or needs us any more.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42My husband, myself, my daughter,
0:18:42 > 0:18:46my granddaughter, all lived here. We had a family of four.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51I went from a family of four to me very, very, quickly.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Barbara's husband died of a heart attack, her daughter of cancer.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00And then her granddaughter moved out of the family home.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06I remember clearly waking up in the middle of this night
0:19:06 > 0:19:11and thought, "My God, Barbara, you're alone."
0:19:11 > 0:19:13That's when it hit me.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15The house was empty.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I had nobody, no person.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21ANSWERPHONE: You've no messages. Main menu.
0:19:21 > 0:19:26To use a personal greeting, press two.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I cannot make the phone ring.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32I cannot make people come to the front door and ring the bell.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34"Solitary" is the word I would use.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I am lonely. I am lonely.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42I am lonely.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I do miss love in my life.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I miss that very much.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55What about your friends? Where were they in all this?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Isn't it awful to say? I have no friends.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Because when you're in a loving relationship
0:20:03 > 0:20:06and you've got your family,
0:20:06 > 0:20:08you don't need friends.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13So when my need came, I didn't have any friends to call upon.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Is it that one of the voids in your life
0:20:18 > 0:20:20is that you felt that nobody needed you?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23They don't need me.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Nobody does need me.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32I don't feel needed, except for the dogs.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36They have to be fed, they have to be watered, they have to be loved.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42What is it that's so special about the dogs?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45They brought me through terrible lonesome times.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49They need me and I need them.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- RADIO:- Becoming a mum or a dad is normally considered
0:21:00 > 0:21:02one of the happiest points of your life,
0:21:02 > 0:21:06but new research from charity Action for Children reveals
0:21:06 > 0:21:10a quarter of British parents admit to feeling lonely and isolated.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Almost 7% say they always...
0:21:12 > 0:21:15'Any big supermarket, you look down the aisles
0:21:15 > 0:21:19'and there'll be lonely mums just like myself pushing buggies.'
0:21:19 > 0:21:21They're there. We're all there.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- SHE LAUGHS - We all do it.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29I stopped doing a big weekly shop
0:21:29 > 0:21:32just so that I had an excuse to pop to the shops.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Even talking to the cashier. I won't go to the self-service things.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Just to get a bit of conversation from the cashier.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Would you like a bag for these?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- How old is little 'un? - Ten months last week.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- Ten months?- Yeah. - Aw! What's her name?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- Darcey.- Oh, that's lovely!
0:21:55 > 0:21:59My loneliness has come about since becoming a stay-at-home mum.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03With the older two, I went back to work at eight months.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06My whole life revolves around the three children and my husband.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I don't have the social life that I used to have.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13It's constant.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15It's 24 hours.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17People think you've got it lucky
0:22:17 > 0:22:19because you're sitting at home doing nothing.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Well, it's not the case.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I didn't think it was going to be as hard as it is.
0:22:32 > 0:22:37My husband, he's sometimes gone at 5am, so I don't even see him.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40And he doesn't get back till gone six of an evening.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50A lot of mums worked previous to having the children.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52We've all been out and had our careers.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57And then all of a sudden, you're stuck indoors.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59You've had... Yeah, you've got a bundle of joy
0:22:59 > 0:23:03and people would absolutely give for that bundle of joy...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06..but you haven't got that adult conversation.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11Emily and a friend use social media
0:23:11 > 0:23:15to suggest a weekly buggy walk to other mothers.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17They were amazed by the response.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I have got over a thousand followers on my Twitter account.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26At least 50% of them are mums.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Either stay-at-home, or they're lonely.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32They use social media as their social life, I suppose.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38It is embarrassing to admit you're lonely.
0:23:39 > 0:23:46And it's one of the hardest things ever to admit that you're not 100%,
0:23:46 > 0:23:51whether it be depression, loneliness, anxious, sad.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53It's really hard.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Emily was brought up surrounded by a large extended family.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Like many mums today,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05she doesn't have that same support to fall back on.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Mum and Dad moved to a Greek island 14 years ago.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12They just retired out there, basically.
0:24:12 > 0:24:18I don't think I'd be anywhere near as lonely if they were here.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21And I'd feel as though that hub that I had as a child
0:24:21 > 0:24:26with my nan and grandad would definitely be back if they were here.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35If life with young children can be a breeding ground for loneliness,
0:24:35 > 0:24:39then when family life collapses, the fallout can be enormous.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46In Britain today, it's predicted that 42% of marriages
0:24:46 > 0:24:47will end in divorce.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Ben's ended after 13 years.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55'I think divorce probably is one of the biggest causes of loneliness.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57'It upsets the whole of your life.'
0:24:57 > 0:25:01When your marriage breaks up, suddenly, you haven't got a map of your life in the future
0:25:01 > 0:25:03and you're thinking, "What comes next?"
0:25:03 > 0:25:06And actually, the first day I moved in here, I had a little cry
0:25:06 > 0:25:09and the kids had a little cry and, I don't know,
0:25:09 > 0:25:13you suddenly then have to find your own future and it's really hard.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16So you don't just lose your partner in life,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18you lose friends, too.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20You've suddenly gone from being a couple to being a single person
0:25:20 > 0:25:22and having no-one to share life with.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25So actually your whole social life changes when you've split up.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30The hardest thing for me would be being a dad
0:25:30 > 0:25:32and not seeing a lot of my children.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36My boys are 15 and 13.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38They're lovely children.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Well, one of them's lovely, the other one's a bit of a shit.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45My kids come home from school, I'll cook their tea,
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I'll talk to them, they'll grunt at me.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51They are "self-absorbed", I think, is one way of putting it.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55I love my kids, but it is quite restrictive when they are in your house.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57You can't go out with your mates and all that sort of stuff,
0:25:57 > 0:26:01so there are nights where you don't see adults night in, night out.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03So, yeah, it is lonely.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07'Day 28 of being divorced,
0:26:07 > 0:26:10'he gave up his job to pen his next masterpiece.'
0:26:10 > 0:26:14I wrote my first book when I was splitting up.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16'Need to get out more and meet people.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17'Maybe should take up something poncey
0:26:17 > 0:26:19'and middle class, like pottery.'
0:26:19 > 0:26:22It was about loneliness and it's about things like waking up
0:26:22 > 0:26:24on a Saturday morning when you haven't got your kids with you,
0:26:24 > 0:26:27and it became real therapy.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30I suppose that helped me combat the loneliness for a while
0:26:30 > 0:26:33because I could get lost in a different world and I could make myself smile.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35But the emotions that I'd write about
0:26:35 > 0:26:37would be genuine emotions that I'd experienced.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39'Day 28 of being divorced.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42'Kids not remotely interested in his career as an author.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45'Kids not remotely interested in talking to him full stop.'
0:26:45 > 0:26:49My first book reached number one on its relevant category on Amazon.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51So when they came home from school, I was really excited,
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I said, "I'm number one on Amazon."
0:26:53 > 0:26:56They said, "That's great, Dad. What's for tea?"
0:26:58 > 0:27:00There's not a cure for loneliness that's written down.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03It's not like a recipe book that you can follow ten points
0:27:03 > 0:27:04and suddenly you're not lonely.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Are we embarking on internet dating now?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11We have embarked on internet dating, yeah.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15The pressure of dating
0:27:15 > 0:27:18is that I've got two children and they come first.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21And I've got a routine with the children
0:27:21 > 0:27:23where I'm at home for three or four nights a week with them.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Who are these two teams?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29'So it's very restrictive, actually, being a dad and dating.'
0:27:29 > 0:27:31But I think, actually, the alternative would be
0:27:31 > 0:27:34sitting feeling sorry for myself, and I don't want to do that.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41Life is better for me when I'm part of a couple.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44That doesn't mean I'm desperate to be part of a couple now,
0:27:44 > 0:27:49but, actually, when I'm 65, I want somebody to share it with.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Dinner is served.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53'I'm probably not quite as lonely as I was,
0:27:53 > 0:27:55'because I've learned to cope with it.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58'But I'm still lonelier than I would want to be.'
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Eat it. Tell me.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Nobody wants to feel lonely.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04And if we are, we hope it won't last forever.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08What we can do is try to protect ourselves
0:28:08 > 0:28:11from being overwhelmed by despair.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16'I'm very good at putting a brave face on it.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20'I'm very good at kind of just getting on with life.'
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Because you don't want to be that person who whinges all...
0:28:23 > 0:28:24I don't want to be Bridget Jones,
0:28:24 > 0:28:27I don't want to be whingeing about not having a boyfriend all the time.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29It's so boring.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33Ten years ago, Jaye moved to Leeds for a new job,
0:28:33 > 0:28:36leaving behind her life and friends in London.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40I'm going to be turning 40 next year.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47I didn't think I would be in this situation when I got to this age.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51I was pretty sure I'd have the whole relationship thing sorted by now.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54It's not happened at all.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57I've actually spent most of my 30s single,
0:28:57 > 0:29:01um...which, er...is not how it is in Sex And The City.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07The last time I had a boyfriend, somebody who said,
0:29:07 > 0:29:10"We're in a relationship, we're in this together," was 13 years ago.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16I think being single is the biggest cause of my loneliness.
0:29:18 > 0:29:22And I'm missing a deeper connection with someone in particular, I think.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27How scared are you of it, loneliness?
0:29:29 > 0:29:33I don't think I'm scared of...the feeling, loneliness.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37I've endured it, I know I'm capable of getting through it.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41But I am scared
0:29:41 > 0:29:44of getting to a point where that's all that there is.
0:29:48 > 0:29:54I'm lying in bed, or I'm just out, wondering why nobody wants me,
0:29:54 > 0:29:56what it is that you're doing wrong
0:29:56 > 0:30:01that means that, for some reason, you're completely undesirable.
0:30:03 > 0:30:08When it gets really dark, when I'm feeling really down about myself,
0:30:08 > 0:30:10I tend to focus on my weight.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13I tend to think that that's...that's the only thing I can think of
0:30:13 > 0:30:17that's really changed in, like, the last 13 years,
0:30:17 > 0:30:19is that I've put on weight.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23I'm not going to meet any single guys at Weight Watchers.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25I think if I thought I was going to meet single guys,
0:30:25 > 0:30:27I might go to Weight Watchers.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29SHE LAUGHS
0:30:32 > 0:30:35Do you think you'll be able to come to terms with that this might be it,
0:30:35 > 0:30:38that that could be you on your own? I mean, how does that make you feel?
0:30:42 > 0:30:43(Sorry.)
0:30:48 > 0:30:49I don't... I can't.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52I can't...I can't come to terms with that.
0:30:53 > 0:30:54Um...
0:30:56 > 0:30:57I don't...
0:30:57 > 0:31:00And that's what's hard, because I don't know how to change it.
0:31:01 > 0:31:02Um...
0:31:05 > 0:31:06I...
0:31:10 > 0:31:13I can't...I can't let myself believe that...
0:31:13 > 0:31:15that...that this is it.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17- RADIO:- And if you live in a big city,
0:31:17 > 0:31:20there's every chance you won't even know the people next door.
0:31:20 > 0:31:25A recent report showed more of us than ever before are living alone.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28So, does that mean we're a lonelier society than we once were?
0:31:28 > 0:31:32I worry about ending up alone, I really do.
0:31:32 > 0:31:36What if it doesn't change? What...what if this is it?
0:31:38 > 0:31:41It sounds awful. It sounds like I'm basically saying
0:31:41 > 0:31:44I'm going to kill myself eventually and I...and I'm...I-I...
0:31:44 > 0:31:47I...I don't think I'm saying that.
0:31:48 > 0:31:52But, um...I-I-I don't think I'm not saying that.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56I have resorted to internet dating.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01I think I've got to the point where I try and make a joke out of it.
0:32:01 > 0:32:02I try not to care.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05I try not to put any weight on it.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08I casually flick through, being all optimistic
0:32:08 > 0:32:11and light-hearted about it, but actually...
0:32:13 > 0:32:16- It's really horrible. - Yeah. Yeah, it is.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18It's quite... It can be quite grim.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21And...and sometimes, actually, going on there is worse than
0:32:21 > 0:32:23not being on there at all.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27It almost feels like another place to be rejected.
0:32:27 > 0:32:31In real life, there's nobody there, I can't find anybody,
0:32:31 > 0:32:33there isn't anybody who seems to be wanting me.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36And I've just opened myself up to another platform
0:32:36 > 0:32:40and a whole host of other people who aren't interested in me either.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46I sometimes wonder if I'll get to a point where I'll just go,
0:32:46 > 0:32:48"Yeah, anyone will do."
0:32:48 > 0:32:51Um...but I don't...I don't think I will.
0:32:56 > 0:33:00Every year that goes by, you think, "Oh, yeah, it'll happen soon.
0:33:00 > 0:33:04"It's got to happen soon. It can't...it can't carry on like this.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07"It can't really be like this all the time."
0:33:07 > 0:33:11Um...and then you start to think that maybe it will.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18I do try to hang on to the hope
0:33:18 > 0:33:21that there is still somebody out there for me.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24I just... I don't know how to find him.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32It takes a very brave person to admit to themselves
0:33:32 > 0:33:34and others how lonely they really are.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41Men tend to be reluctant to talk about their emotions,
0:33:41 > 0:33:43let alone discuss them in public.
0:33:44 > 0:33:48Richard is 72 and lonely for the first time in his life.
0:33:48 > 0:33:56I had no understanding of loneliness at all until Charlie died.
0:33:59 > 0:34:00Having lived with her for 40 years,
0:34:00 > 0:34:0420 years of that time she was fighting one problem after another
0:34:04 > 0:34:06that could have taken her life.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15You learn quite a lot about facing death.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17That doesn't bother me, neither does dying.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20What scares me most is spending the rest of my life alone.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25Richard keeps himself fit and active.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27His doctors have said he has a strong heart
0:34:27 > 0:34:30and he could live for another 20 years or more.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36I've got everything materially that most people want.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38But that's the point.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41I've got material things. Yes, I've got a gorgeous house,
0:34:41 > 0:34:44I've got more than enough money for the lifestyle I want to live.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47I have a boat in the Mediterranean, I have a superb family.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51Five children, 12 grandchildren and a great-grandchild.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54Doesn't do the business.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56I am lonely.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01The only solution is to find another woman.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03That's a degrading statement.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06I need a soul mate. I need a pal.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10Avoiding a problem doesn't make it go away. You have to confront it.
0:35:10 > 0:35:14So I try to confront it...every day.
0:35:14 > 0:35:15And it is every day.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18It's not, you know, this is not something
0:35:18 > 0:35:20that I feel lonely on Fridays, or once a month.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23It's...it's 24 hours a day.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25In a room full of people.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31Smoking. No way. Happy with that.
0:35:31 > 0:35:32Romantic. I like romantic.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37Hasn't got any animals. High score.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39Earns less than 25,000...
0:35:39 > 0:35:41Richard's search for a new partner
0:35:41 > 0:35:44sees him now spending up to four hours a day on dating sites.
0:35:46 > 0:35:47I'm a positive sort of guy,
0:35:47 > 0:35:50but I think my chances of success are pretty remote.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52I think if I was 20, 30, 40 years old,
0:35:52 > 0:35:55even 50 maybe, that might be easier.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03I'm playing the dating game because I want a partner.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06It's not that we're looking for people to do things with.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09I am doing things with you each morning, you know, when I have coffee.
0:36:09 > 0:36:13That's good. I've got plenty of things like that to do. My life is full.
0:36:13 > 0:36:14I've got nobody to do nothing with.
0:36:16 > 0:36:17I want a partner.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19I will not survive without it.
0:36:19 > 0:36:23Um...but, then, what keeps me going at the moment
0:36:23 > 0:36:25is the fun of doing it.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27We have the banter in here, don't we?
0:36:27 > 0:36:29You take the mickey out of me when I tell you the stories.
0:36:29 > 0:36:30THEY LAUGH
0:36:30 > 0:36:33You have to have them ticking all the bloody boxes.
0:36:33 > 0:36:38And it's not... You've got to roll with the punches, you know.
0:36:38 > 0:36:39It's, er...it's...
0:36:39 > 0:36:41That's true. I can't disagree with that.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44Yeah. You've got to enjoy your own company.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46And I don't.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48If I'm honest, I don't.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58Going to bed at night on my own, I still dread that.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00After four and a half years.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03I want to be able to give.
0:37:03 > 0:37:07You can't give unless you've got somebody to give to.
0:37:10 > 0:37:11It's an awful feeling.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14This sounds dreadful, Sue, but it is an awful feeling.
0:37:14 > 0:37:18I walk in that door, it's like opening the door on loneliness.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26If being alone at some point in our lives
0:37:26 > 0:37:28is now inevitable for most of us,
0:37:28 > 0:37:31is there any way we can face it more positively?
0:37:33 > 0:37:36Can we learn to be alone without being desolate and lonely?
0:37:40 > 0:37:44The author Sara Maitland lives in a remote corner of Scotland.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46She embraces and enjoys solitude
0:37:46 > 0:37:50in a more radical way than most of us would ever be able to do.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55One of her books is called How To Be Alone.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58'I don't really do lonely.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00'I like being alone.'
0:38:00 > 0:38:04And choosing solitude is a really different thing
0:38:04 > 0:38:09from having it thrust upon you by usually bad life circumstances.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13After my marriage ended,
0:38:13 > 0:38:16for the first time in my life, I was living alone.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19I went to live in the country and what I discovered,
0:38:19 > 0:38:22after three or four years, is that I really, really liked it.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25BARKING
0:38:25 > 0:38:26BLEATING
0:38:26 > 0:38:29I'm very interested to explore ways
0:38:29 > 0:38:32in which it is possible to be a modern hermit.
0:38:32 > 0:38:36And one of the joys that I feel given, and given by God,
0:38:36 > 0:38:39is the extraordinary beauty of where I live.
0:38:40 > 0:38:44This area has an extraordinary soundscape.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47It's unusually silent.
0:38:51 > 0:38:55There is an astonishingly attentive hush on a moor
0:38:55 > 0:38:58which I just love.
0:38:59 > 0:39:06My lifestyle is a very good fit for my inner world, my psychology.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09I'm happier now than I've ever been. Happier.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11And is that to do with solitude?
0:39:11 > 0:39:15It is to do with the circumstances of me in my solitude.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18I don't think there's a thing over there called solitude
0:39:18 > 0:39:21which simply would deliver these goods to anybody
0:39:21 > 0:39:24who kind of, er...bought a house in the country.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26I don't think it quite works like that.
0:39:44 > 0:39:48People are experiencing loneliness and not liking it.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53We don't want to spend time with ourselves.
0:39:53 > 0:39:54We don't want to spend time alone.
0:39:57 > 0:39:59The commonest reasons for loneliness
0:39:59 > 0:40:02are break-up of relationship and bereavement.
0:40:02 > 0:40:06Neither of those are nice experiences before you start.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Of course you don't feel great about it!
0:40:08 > 0:40:12This idea that relationship is what makes you happy
0:40:12 > 0:40:17makes not being in one...gives you a predisposition to be unhappy,
0:40:17 > 0:40:19that if you're not in a relationship,
0:40:19 > 0:40:22you're somehow a... Yeah, a failure.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27And I think what's frightening about this
0:40:27 > 0:40:32is that aloneness is becoming more and more unavoidable.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38So, is the loneliness epidemic
0:40:38 > 0:40:40related to the mental health epidemic?
0:40:40 > 0:40:44Both ways. Both loneliness is causing depression
0:40:44 > 0:40:46and depression is causing isolation.
0:40:47 > 0:40:51Because it seems to me we've got two epidemics going on. Um...
0:40:52 > 0:40:56And however chirpy I want to be about aloneness,
0:40:56 > 0:40:58I do not want to be chirpy about mental health.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01I think the mental health issues are damaging our society.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07- RADIO:- New research from the Mental Health Foundation
0:41:07 > 0:41:09links loneliness to mental illness
0:41:09 > 0:41:11and says it can be accompanied by depression,
0:41:11 > 0:41:14addiction and other psychological conditions.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16Catherine Hill is the director of Mental Health...
0:41:16 > 0:41:18'I've been married twice
0:41:18 > 0:41:21'and then had another relationship, as well.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23'Unfortunately, one of the relationships
0:41:23 > 0:41:25'turned out to be physically abusive.'
0:41:25 > 0:41:28So I haven't been on my own all the time,
0:41:28 > 0:41:31but I'd rather be lonely on my own
0:41:31 > 0:41:32than lonely in the relationship.
0:41:32 > 0:41:35I think, if anything, that's probably... Well, it is worse.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37- RADIO: - You are very much of the belief
0:41:37 > 0:41:40that loneliness can lead to mental illness.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42Yes. There's clear evidence that says
0:41:42 > 0:41:45that loneliness can lead to depression and anxiety.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47But it can also...
0:41:47 > 0:41:49And, I mean, I'm lonely now, you know, really.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51Um...although, you know,
0:41:51 > 0:41:54as long as I don't talk about it, it's fine.
0:41:57 > 0:41:58I've got four children.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01My daughter's the eldest, and then the three boys.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03But they live all over the country.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06So I don't get to see them that often.
0:42:06 > 0:42:11As a family, there's not that physical or emotional closeness.
0:42:13 > 0:42:17When Christine was in her 20s and at home with her young children,
0:42:17 > 0:42:20she had what today would be recognised as postnatal depression.
0:42:21 > 0:42:26Now 72, she's spent most of her adult life on antidepressants.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30I mean, I... Hm.
0:42:30 > 0:42:34I have tried to commit suicide a couple of times,
0:42:34 > 0:42:38but I made the decision that that was not an option.
0:42:38 > 0:42:40I just couldn't do that to the family.
0:42:42 > 0:42:45So, OK, you're not doing that, so therefore,
0:42:45 > 0:42:48you've got...somehow, you've got to make this work.
0:42:50 > 0:42:54To make it work, Christine radically changed her lifestyle,
0:42:54 > 0:42:58managing to come off medication for the first time in 40 years.
0:43:00 > 0:43:02My week, I need it to be very structured
0:43:02 > 0:43:05so I've got a reason to get out of bed in the mornings.
0:43:05 > 0:43:09Exercise is absolutely critical for my mental health,
0:43:09 > 0:43:11as well as my physical health.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14That's why I go to the gym, why I go swimming.
0:43:14 > 0:43:18From experience, I know if I haven't got things planned,
0:43:18 > 0:43:21the depression will start kicking back in again.
0:43:24 > 0:43:27That really scares me, the, um...
0:43:27 > 0:43:28You know, of going downhill again
0:43:28 > 0:43:31and having to go back on antidepressants.
0:43:32 > 0:43:35Christine admits she finds it hard to make friends
0:43:35 > 0:43:38and tends to keep everyone at arm's length.
0:43:39 > 0:43:41I'm good at listening,
0:43:41 > 0:43:44but I don't want to tell people how I'm feeling.
0:43:44 > 0:43:48Because it's too painful, really.
0:43:48 > 0:43:52I just don't think I'm a very nice person.
0:43:52 > 0:43:55And I don't deserve to be somebody's friend.
0:43:55 > 0:43:57Um...
0:43:57 > 0:44:00That's... Oh, I'm sorry.
0:44:07 > 0:44:10Recently, with sort of illnesses, I've sort of remade my will
0:44:10 > 0:44:13and sort of talked about, um...dying.
0:44:15 > 0:44:18So I've donated my body to medical science.
0:44:20 > 0:44:22Because if I'm very honest about this,
0:44:22 > 0:44:25and this is quite difficult to say, um...
0:44:25 > 0:44:28one of the reasons is because
0:44:28 > 0:44:31I don't want to have a funeral and nobody turn up.
0:44:33 > 0:44:36Because I think that would be the loneliest thing.
0:44:38 > 0:44:41I mean, my children would be there, but who else?
0:44:42 > 0:44:45- That...that...that's really why.- Aw!
0:44:45 > 0:44:49Because I think if you, you know...
0:44:49 > 0:44:51if you had a funeral and nobody came...
0:44:59 > 0:45:01150 miles away in Birmingham
0:45:01 > 0:45:03lives Christine's son, Iain.
0:45:08 > 0:45:09They talk on the phone every week,
0:45:09 > 0:45:13but see each other only once or twice a year.
0:45:15 > 0:45:20'Normally for me, my day starts at about four in the afternoon.'
0:45:22 > 0:45:24And then I watch a bit of telly,
0:45:24 > 0:45:27depending on the TV schedule,
0:45:27 > 0:45:29I'll either play a game or watch a bit more TV,
0:45:29 > 0:45:32and then just sort of keep playing games, watching telly
0:45:32 > 0:45:35until about three or four in the morning,
0:45:35 > 0:45:37and that's when I go back to bed.
0:45:40 > 0:45:42- So, you're hiding?- Yeah, I'm hiding.
0:45:42 > 0:45:46Hiding from everyday life is what I'm doing.
0:45:46 > 0:45:50And trying to...sort of only expose myself to the bits I feel are safe.
0:45:52 > 0:45:54How long has your life been like this?
0:45:56 > 0:45:57Um...
0:45:59 > 0:46:02..probably getting on for ten years.
0:46:04 > 0:46:08Iain used to work in IT, but after the death of his father,
0:46:08 > 0:46:11his anxiety and depression overwhelmed him.
0:46:11 > 0:46:14He hasn't worked or had a relationship since.
0:46:17 > 0:46:19Iain is 42 years old.
0:46:20 > 0:46:24And his tiny flat is now both his sanctuary and his prison.
0:46:27 > 0:46:30You do start wondering if the walls aren't closing in a little bit.
0:46:30 > 0:46:32I think it's very difficult for me to...
0:46:33 > 0:46:36..separate the depression and the loneliness.
0:46:36 > 0:46:39Um...if you've got issues with depression,
0:46:39 > 0:46:40they just feed off each other.
0:46:43 > 0:46:46So you're sad, you don't feel like going out or doing anything,
0:46:46 > 0:46:49so you stay in and then you feel lonely,
0:46:49 > 0:46:52which just makes you sadder,
0:46:52 > 0:46:54so you are less likely to want to go out
0:46:54 > 0:46:56and do anything, which makes you more lonely.
0:46:56 > 0:46:58It's a vicious circle.
0:47:02 > 0:47:06Loneliness has been with me on and off for all of my adult life.
0:47:10 > 0:47:14Sometimes it's very important just to hear a friendly voice.
0:47:16 > 0:47:18Just to reaffirm that actually,
0:47:18 > 0:47:20the rest of the world is still there.
0:47:24 > 0:47:25What's the longest, Iain,
0:47:25 > 0:47:30that you've been in this room and not seen anyone?
0:47:30 > 0:47:35Two weeks was the longest that I've been here on my own.
0:47:37 > 0:47:40There are days when I don't particularly want to wake up.
0:47:43 > 0:47:45I can't imagine life without the games,
0:47:45 > 0:47:48because they provide me with my high points.
0:47:50 > 0:47:52You know, they let me feel that I'm achieving things.
0:47:52 > 0:47:56They, er...occupy my time
0:47:56 > 0:47:59so that I don't have to think about...
0:48:00 > 0:48:02..how shit stuff is.
0:48:05 > 0:48:09Iain isn't just trapped in his flat by anxiety and depression.
0:48:11 > 0:48:14Like many others with mental health problems,
0:48:14 > 0:48:16he's also trapped by lack of money.
0:48:17 > 0:48:21He lives on just £8 a day.
0:48:21 > 0:48:24What three things do you think, Iain, would make your life better?
0:48:24 > 0:48:26Or one thing?
0:48:31 > 0:48:33I think I'd only need,
0:48:33 > 0:48:34you know, someone just to come and see me.
0:48:34 > 0:48:38Maybe for a couple of hours once or twice a week.
0:48:38 > 0:48:42It really helps if there's something to look forward to, if...
0:48:42 > 0:48:46You know, when you know that actually, "I've got this coming up,"
0:48:46 > 0:48:48then...then that can...
0:48:48 > 0:48:50up until that point, that can...
0:48:50 > 0:48:53that can keep me going for, you know, weeks.
0:48:54 > 0:48:57One of the reasons that I'm so pleased to be doing this
0:48:57 > 0:48:59is because of the company.
0:48:59 > 0:49:03You know, it's...it's nice to have people here.
0:49:12 > 0:49:14One in four of us will experience
0:49:14 > 0:49:17a mental health problem in any given year.
0:49:19 > 0:49:22Having a complete breakdown, as Martin discovered,
0:49:22 > 0:49:25puts you in a very lonely place.
0:49:26 > 0:49:29'I left home when I was 16 and I joined the Army.
0:49:29 > 0:49:31'You've got to be driven with that.
0:49:31 > 0:49:34'You see a problem, you just put your head down and go for it.
0:49:34 > 0:49:36'I joined Network Rail as a project manager.'
0:49:36 > 0:49:40I was in charge, responsible of delivering
0:49:40 > 0:49:42enhancement projects on the railway.
0:49:42 > 0:49:45At one point, up to £40 million.
0:49:47 > 0:49:50I was always known as the go-to person if there was a problem.
0:49:50 > 0:49:53"If the project's failing, give it to Martin, he'll turn it around."
0:49:53 > 0:49:56And I started to measure my own self-worth
0:49:56 > 0:49:58through my achievements at work.
0:50:01 > 0:50:05So that was fine, until I started to get overwhelmed with work.
0:50:08 > 0:50:11It was lonely because I was looking at other people, thinking,
0:50:11 > 0:50:13"Well, how come they can manage this? How come they can cope?
0:50:13 > 0:50:17"I'm no good. I'm failing at this. How can I be failing?
0:50:17 > 0:50:20"I'm going to be found out, I'm going to lose my job."
0:50:20 > 0:50:24I didn't want to go home and talk to my wife about how I was feeling,
0:50:24 > 0:50:26how much of a failure I felt
0:50:26 > 0:50:30and how I was just convinced I was going to get made redundant.
0:50:30 > 0:50:33And if I was going to get made redundant, why would she be with me?
0:50:37 > 0:50:39I felt as if I couldn't talk to anybody in my office.
0:50:39 > 0:50:41I felt sort of trapped in that environment.
0:50:43 > 0:50:45That's incredibly lonely because you don't...
0:50:45 > 0:50:48You can't associate with people, you've got no empathy with people.
0:50:51 > 0:50:54And I felt like I just can't carry on like this.
0:50:54 > 0:50:55And I thought about suicide.
0:50:55 > 0:50:59"I need to end this. I need to stop being like this."
0:51:01 > 0:51:04And as soon as I thought about ending my life,
0:51:04 > 0:51:07my thoughts calmed down. Completely calmed.
0:51:12 > 0:51:14Martin did his research thoroughly,
0:51:14 > 0:51:17carefully choosing the method of his planned suicide
0:51:17 > 0:51:21and the day he was going to do it. A Friday.
0:51:21 > 0:51:25I'm sat with my wife, thinking, "I'm going to kill myself."
0:51:25 > 0:51:27Not thinking, planned.
0:51:27 > 0:51:30And I felt so isolated by myself,
0:51:30 > 0:51:34I didn't say that to the one person who knows me the best in the world.
0:51:34 > 0:51:36And if that isn't loneliness, I don't know what it is.
0:51:40 > 0:51:43I said goodbye to my wife, and I think I said,
0:51:43 > 0:51:45"I love...I loved you. I love you."
0:51:45 > 0:51:48And I think I said it two or three times before I left,
0:51:48 > 0:51:50as if I was saying goodbye to her.
0:51:57 > 0:52:01On his way to town, Martin dropped into his local health centre
0:52:01 > 0:52:05and calmly discussed his suicide plan with a nurse.
0:52:05 > 0:52:07I was in the clinic and the door opened.
0:52:07 > 0:52:11There were three very large, body-armoured police officers there.
0:52:11 > 0:52:12HE LAUGHS
0:52:12 > 0:52:14And I thought to myself, "What's going on here, then?"
0:52:18 > 0:52:20And then they said, "You've got two choices.
0:52:20 > 0:52:23"You can either come with us voluntarily,
0:52:23 > 0:52:25"or we're going to have to put the cuffs on you."
0:52:30 > 0:52:32Martin checked into hospital voluntarily
0:52:32 > 0:52:36and stayed there for several weeks receiving treatment.
0:52:36 > 0:52:39I've had depression and I've tried to kill myself.
0:52:39 > 0:52:41These are all, you know, socially unacceptable,
0:52:41 > 0:52:44and you think, "What are people going to think of me?"
0:52:44 > 0:52:47Friends would come around the house, asking how I was
0:52:47 > 0:52:49and I was scared to talk to them.
0:52:49 > 0:52:52I couldn't believe anybody would understand how I felt,
0:52:52 > 0:52:55so I wasn't speaking to anybody about it. And that's lonely.
0:53:00 > 0:53:02It took a long time, a supportive wife
0:53:02 > 0:53:04and a sympathetic employer
0:53:04 > 0:53:08and eventually, Martin was back on his feet and back at work.
0:53:10 > 0:53:13But he's a very changed man these days.
0:53:13 > 0:53:15- RECORDING: - This is a short meditation
0:53:15 > 0:53:18designed to settle and ground yourself in the present moment.
0:53:18 > 0:53:20CHIME
0:53:20 > 0:53:22So finding a comfortable position,
0:53:22 > 0:53:25either lying on a mat, or a thick rug...
0:53:25 > 0:53:28If you'd have told me I was practising mindfulness meditation
0:53:28 > 0:53:31for ten minutes every day, I'd have laughed at you and said,
0:53:31 > 0:53:33"There's no way I'll be a tree hugger.
0:53:33 > 0:53:37"No way on this planet would I be doing that."
0:53:37 > 0:53:39- RECORDING:- Remembering that the aim is simply to notice
0:53:39 > 0:53:41where the mind has been,
0:53:41 > 0:53:45then gently escorting your mind back to the breath.
0:53:45 > 0:53:49Having to man up, so to speak, to the fact that
0:53:49 > 0:53:55my thoughts and my emotions are not...quite right,
0:53:55 > 0:53:59and learning coping mechanisms and being honest with my emotions
0:53:59 > 0:54:00has made me a much better person, I think.
0:54:00 > 0:54:02CHIME
0:54:02 > 0:54:04- RECORDING: - If there are no sensations,
0:54:04 > 0:54:07simply registering a blank, this is perfectly fine.
0:54:07 > 0:54:08INSTRUMENTAL
0:54:11 > 0:54:13Five and six, 56.
0:54:15 > 0:54:17Seven and four, 74.
0:54:18 > 0:54:21If it wasn't for my wife, I wouldn't be where I am now.
0:54:21 > 0:54:26I've rebalanced my work life, so I spend more time with my wife.
0:54:28 > 0:54:30Every Thursday night, we play bingo.
0:54:30 > 0:54:32HE LAUGHS
0:54:32 > 0:54:34Which I would never have said five years ago.
0:54:34 > 0:54:36Four and six, 46.
0:54:36 > 0:54:40So it's a little bit of mindfulness bingo.
0:54:40 > 0:54:41Eight and nine, 89.
0:54:41 > 0:54:43I can't change the past,
0:54:43 > 0:54:46all I can do is put things in place now to have a better future.
0:54:46 > 0:54:52You've only got one life...and work isn't it.
0:54:52 > 0:54:53Your family is it.
0:54:53 > 0:54:55One-oh, number 10.
0:54:55 > 0:54:57I'm having a life that's really quite nice.
0:55:00 > 0:55:02If this really is the age of loneliness,
0:55:02 > 0:55:07then we're all going to have to find new ways of dealing with being alone.
0:55:10 > 0:55:13For some, there is no easy or obvious solution.
0:55:15 > 0:55:18For others, the loneliness will pass
0:55:18 > 0:55:20and they'll find their own way through.
0:55:21 > 0:55:24It's often the smallest gestures of kindness
0:55:24 > 0:55:25that make the biggest impact.
0:55:26 > 0:55:30The weekly visit, the monthly tea party,
0:55:30 > 0:55:31the army of volunteers.
0:55:33 > 0:55:34Lonely lives can be transformed
0:55:34 > 0:55:38by something as simple as a weekly phone call from a stranger.
0:55:38 > 0:55:40- PHONE:- Hi, Dorothy. How are you doing today?
0:55:40 > 0:55:43'Silver Line was a lifeline. It's done me a world of good.'
0:55:43 > 0:55:45Have you finished the crossword?
0:55:45 > 0:55:47It's somebody there.
0:55:48 > 0:55:51Somebody who's taking notice and caring a little.
0:55:51 > 0:55:53I'll call you next week.
0:55:54 > 0:55:57We began with Dorothy, the familiar face of lonely,
0:55:57 > 0:56:00a feisty and determined 85-year-old widow.
0:56:02 > 0:56:03You've got to go on living.
0:56:05 > 0:56:07I didn't want to turn out to be a moaner.
0:56:10 > 0:56:13It's six years since Eric died and Dorothy always knew,
0:56:13 > 0:56:16as they had no children, that going on living
0:56:16 > 0:56:18would mean being totally alone.
0:56:20 > 0:56:22I looked at a photograph and I thought,
0:56:22 > 0:56:25"Do you know, there's nobody alive on that."
0:56:28 > 0:56:31Except me. I'm the only one left.
0:56:33 > 0:56:35What can you do?
0:56:35 > 0:56:41There's nobody else there, so you just have to grin and bear it.
0:56:44 > 0:56:47You've got to go out and meet people again.
0:56:48 > 0:56:51You've got to put yourself forward.
0:56:53 > 0:56:55And I've started going to computer classes.
0:56:55 > 0:56:57I was about 85.
0:56:57 > 0:56:59A late learner.
0:56:59 > 0:57:02Blackpool Sands, Blackpool Zoo or Blackpool Road.
0:57:02 > 0:57:04Shall we go and have a look at the Pleasure Beach?
0:57:04 > 0:57:06- Yeah.- Right, so...- Why not?
0:57:06 > 0:57:08Go down to the Pleasure Beach and click on Pleasure Beach.
0:57:08 > 0:57:11- Amazing!- Yeah.
0:57:11 > 0:57:13'I'm learning bit by bit.
0:57:14 > 0:57:16'I enjoy going.'
0:57:16 > 0:57:18I like the people I meet there.
0:57:18 > 0:57:22Again, it's meeting somebody.
0:57:22 > 0:57:24Do you enjoy your life now, Dorothy?
0:57:24 > 0:57:27I enjoy what I can of my life.
0:57:27 > 0:57:29Well, it's different.
0:57:29 > 0:57:31'The main thing in my life, I love people.'
0:57:33 > 0:57:36And I think this is why I feel lonely, as well.
0:57:36 > 0:57:38I love people.
0:57:38 > 0:57:41I like to talk to them and discuss things.
0:57:43 > 0:57:47Dorothy was ill even before Eric died.
0:57:47 > 0:57:50But she decided against having treatment.
0:57:50 > 0:57:53I've nobody to have to keep myself going for.
0:57:56 > 0:57:57Except a few friends.
0:57:57 > 0:58:00Yes, they'll miss me, but it's not the same.
0:58:00 > 0:58:02Not like missing family.
0:58:03 > 0:58:07What do you think, Dorothy, would make your life less lonely?
0:58:07 > 0:58:09A house full of people!
0:58:09 > 0:58:11DOROTHY LAUGHS
0:58:11 > 0:58:14That's the only way to cure it.
0:58:16 > 0:58:19We had a lovely time filming with Dorothy.
0:58:19 > 0:58:23Then we heard that she'd died five weeks later.
0:58:23 > 0:58:25In her home, alone.