0:00:27 > 0:00:32Every year, one in four people will suffer from a mental illness.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36My name is Tim Rhys-Evans and I am one of those people.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40There's still a massive stigma around this disease
0:00:40 > 0:00:43and that's why I've decided to make this programme,
0:00:43 > 0:00:47sharing the story of some of the darkest episodes in my life in
0:00:47 > 0:00:52the hope that it might help others with this most taboo of subjects.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Thank you for watching.
0:00:57 > 0:01:02In 2013, Tim Rhys-Evans was tasting success
0:01:02 > 0:01:04beyond his wildest dreams.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09His choir Only Men Aloud hit the big time
0:01:09 > 0:01:12with commercial and critical acclaim
0:01:12 > 0:01:15and Tim was made an MBE by the Queen.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22In the same year, he attempted suicide.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27"A suicide note is a weird thing
0:01:27 > 0:01:31"and I want everyone to know that, as I write this, I don't have tears
0:01:31 > 0:01:35"streaming down my face, nor do I feel much of anything, to be honest.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39"I think I've gone past feelings except one - love.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42"As I write this last paragraph, I can see all of you
0:01:42 > 0:01:45"and you're all smiling as I am now.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48"Keep smiling and thank you.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54"I'm sorry that I've abdicated the responsibility but I have to.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56"I can see no other way."
0:02:05 > 0:02:08HE SIGHS
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I had a classic Valleys upbringing.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Terraced house.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Very, very close family life.
0:02:32 > 0:02:39They're still a bedrock of me emotionally and physically, I guess.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I started playing the piano when I was five,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44but having a passion for playing the piano was very
0:02:44 > 0:02:49different from most of the kids I was in school with, who loved
0:02:49 > 0:02:52playing football or rugby
0:02:52 > 0:02:56or doing "boys" things, you know,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58and I wasn't one of those.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05When you are a bit different
0:03:05 > 0:03:11and you might want to go to school in your grandad's pocket watch
0:03:11 > 0:03:15and waistcoat, a cravat on a casual-dress day,
0:03:15 > 0:03:18and you go into Bedwellty Comprehensive School,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21that's not the way to win friends.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25And it kind of is inviting a kicking, really.
0:03:26 > 0:03:31I had a pretty miserable time in school from bullying.
0:03:31 > 0:03:36I guess I've always hidden parts of my personality
0:03:36 > 0:03:40so eventually I began to realise there was something
0:03:40 > 0:03:43about the way I behaved
0:03:43 > 0:03:49and I got used to trying to not let that show.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54The person who I really was
0:03:54 > 0:03:57I knew that I didn't really like,
0:03:57 > 0:04:01so I spent years trying to be somebody who I wasn't.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07That was very difficult to reconcile,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10those two strands of my personality.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Tim left home and followed his heart
0:04:13 > 0:04:16to the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20As his early career blossomed, he also found love.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24'I must say I've been very impressed with how organised we've been,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26'I must say, mostly thanks to Alun.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29'Yes, I was just about to thank myself.'
0:04:29 > 0:04:31LAUGHTER
0:04:31 > 0:04:33'Ready, everyone?'
0:04:33 > 0:04:37We had our civil partnership back in 2008 and it meant such a lot to know
0:04:37 > 0:04:44that our family were happy to be there, supporting us, proud of us.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46What we were didn't matter.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49It's who we were that mattered.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I would say it was the best day of my life.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55We met on a trip to America.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59We'd both joined the choir as choristers.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00That was it, basically,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03and just before we were meant to be going out on a three-month
0:05:03 > 0:05:06tour of America, the conductor became ill
0:05:06 > 0:05:10and Tim took over as conductor of the choir,
0:05:10 > 0:05:15so that was the beginning of his choral conducting career, really.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18# Big world...
0:05:18 > 0:05:21# ..here I...
0:05:21 > 0:05:25# ..am! #
0:05:30 > 0:05:34In the summer of 2008, Tim's choir, Only Men Aloud,
0:05:34 > 0:05:38reinvented the image of male voice choirs and took Britain by storm.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46When he mentioned he was starting this new, fashionable, sexy
0:05:46 > 0:05:50male voice choir, I think I just jumped at the chance
0:05:50 > 0:05:52and never looked back since.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57# I'll march my band out
0:05:57 > 0:06:01# I'll beat my drum. #
0:06:01 > 0:06:04'It was the best damned performance of the series.'
0:06:04 > 0:06:10Tim sprinkles the stardust. He just comes in and he makes it magical
0:06:10 > 0:06:12and that's Tim.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15That's just him and no-one else can do that.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I'm just really proud of the boys
0:06:17 > 0:06:21because they've just done an amazing job.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Oh, gosh, this is ridiculous!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Winning Last Choir Standing, winning a Classical Brit,
0:06:25 > 0:06:29playing stadiums, playing arenas, Only Boys Aloud being
0:06:29 > 0:06:32on Britain's Got Talent and singing for the Queen in Buckingham Palace.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35It was an amazing time. A very intense time.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Ridiculously intense time.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39We were living with each other pretty much 24/7,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41but it was incredible.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Last Choir Standing providing the platform
0:06:45 > 0:06:48for seven plus million people to watch us every week,
0:06:48 > 0:06:54we have an amazing opportunity now that I really want to seize.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Tim was always ambitious. He wanted the best out of us, I think.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59He was a bit of a perfectionist
0:06:59 > 0:07:02when it came to what we were singing, what we were looking like.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04He would have fun with us as well.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07He would always be one of the boys as well, which was great.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:15 > 0:07:22'The external perception of me was somebody who was revelling in
0:07:22 > 0:07:25'being on red carpets and winning awards.'
0:07:25 > 0:07:31Tonight's packed house has therefore raised a fantastic £33,000
0:07:31 > 0:07:33for Children in Need.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36'I can walk out on stage.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40'I could be the Tim Rhys-Evans that was fronting a concert or whatever.'
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I enjoyed it.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48It was great, but I can't say I ever stopped
0:07:48 > 0:07:50and thought, "Wow!"
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Really hard-working. Never really had any free time for himself.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00It was always one thing after another.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02He was having meetings in London and he would come back
0:08:02 > 0:08:05and have a rehearsal and go back to London and have more meetings.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07He would always double-book himself for things.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10He kind of had our lives in his hands at that point,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12which I think he felt very responsible for.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15All the pressure is on him, because every time we saw him,
0:08:15 > 0:08:19we had to ask him a question. "Can we do this? A TV company's called.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20"They want to interview you.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24"They want the boys on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?'"
0:08:24 > 0:08:27So I think the pressure probably started to build
0:08:27 > 0:08:30just because there was nobody else,
0:08:30 > 0:08:34there was only him that could answer that question.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38When I look back now, I'd been burning the candle at both ends
0:08:38 > 0:08:43from a work perspective, been asking too much of myself,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46and this had been going on for some time.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50And I'd become used to feeling...
0:08:52 > 0:08:54..exhausted,
0:08:54 > 0:08:56to feel constantly on the edge.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02I remember him saying, "I think I've worked out a way
0:09:02 > 0:09:07"I can get everything done and that's to work even harder."
0:09:07 > 0:09:11And I thought to myself, "How is that even possible?
0:09:11 > 0:09:15"You are working every hour God sends, seven days a week.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16"You cannot do that."
0:09:16 > 0:09:18So, at the time when he did say that,
0:09:18 > 0:09:24maybe I should have thought, "Hang on, he needs to stop this now."
0:09:24 > 0:09:26'The winner and Last Choir Standing is...
0:09:26 > 0:09:27'Only Men Aloud!'
0:09:27 > 0:09:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:29 > 0:09:34Mental illness doesn't care about success.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38All it does is feed off it and tell you that,
0:09:38 > 0:09:42"Well, yeah, but that's not really YOU that's done that, is it?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44"You've just taken all the glory."
0:09:46 > 0:09:50It feeds off those moments of success in a very nasty way
0:09:50 > 0:09:54and it turns everything on its head.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57'They've been absolutely fantastic throughout this.'
0:10:08 > 0:10:12I would come home and I would do nothing,
0:10:12 > 0:10:14absolutely nothing.
0:10:14 > 0:10:19I'd become very used to not sleeping so I would go to bed,
0:10:19 > 0:10:24possibly the wrong side of a bottle of wine, and then three o'clock
0:10:24 > 0:10:29in the morning wide awake in what I realise now were panic attacks.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34I was not coping well at all.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38But what I was very good at was
0:10:38 > 0:10:41hiding the fact that anything was wrong.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47I suppose a period of weeks of suicidal thoughts...
0:10:47 > 0:10:52Probably, no, more than weeks, MONTHS of suicidal thoughts,
0:10:52 > 0:10:58but then that got into a period of days of, "I must do this."
0:10:58 > 0:11:01I was looking for ways in which I could buy a gun
0:11:01 > 0:11:05and, ultimately, it was, "OK, I'm going to do this now."
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Whilst Tim was suffering in silence, outwardly he was
0:11:11 > 0:11:16at the height of his success and was honoured with an MBE from the Queen.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18That was the pinnacle of his life, really.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22He'd been recognised by the Queen for all the work he'd done.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I know that they went for some amazing food.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29His nana had always wanted to go to Buckingham Palace
0:11:29 > 0:11:33and things like that, so that was important to him.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36He really wanted them to have an amazing day.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Whilst I was pleased as Punch, I felt a fraud.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44I felt that people didn't know the real me and
0:11:44 > 0:11:49if they did the last thing they'd be nominating me for is an MBE.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53I don't know why I thought like that, but I guess
0:11:53 > 0:11:58a lifetime of telling yourself you're rubbish, you believe it.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01It was two days before the MBE
0:12:01 > 0:12:04and I really wasn't sleeping at all,
0:12:04 > 0:12:06so I went to my GP.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09"Can you give me something to get through it?"
0:12:09 > 0:12:12The following day he was visiting the Queen to get an MBE
0:12:12 > 0:12:14and I thought that was a bit of juxtaposition.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16This is someone who's very,
0:12:16 > 0:12:20very successful in ways people judge success
0:12:20 > 0:12:23but yet he was deeply, deeply troubled on that day.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26He'd said something to me like,
0:12:26 > 0:12:30"As long as you're not having any suicidal thoughts," and I said,
0:12:30 > 0:12:34"Of course I'm having suicidal thoughts. Everyone has them."
0:12:35 > 0:12:40And his eyes looked shocked and he said, "No, they don't."
0:12:40 > 0:12:43It very much concerned me that he was presenting with a severe
0:12:43 > 0:12:47depressive episode with suicidal thoughts.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50That's something which needs to be taken very seriously indeed.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I remember Dr Pink saying to me,
0:12:52 > 0:12:58"Well, look, if the suicidal thoughts get more commonplace and
0:12:58 > 0:13:04"if you do anything like making any lists, like a goodbye list,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06"you must call me."
0:13:08 > 0:13:12And I remember coming back from an Only Boys Aloud gig
0:13:12 > 0:13:17and, as I was driving home, I was just thinking,
0:13:17 > 0:13:21"OK, I must write to them. Must write to them."
0:13:21 > 0:13:23But then I just caught myself.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Hang on, you're making these lists of people you're going to say sorry
0:13:27 > 0:13:32to because you're killing yourself, so I rang my GP and he said,
0:13:32 > 0:13:36"I want you to stop what you're doing, come in and see me."
0:13:36 > 0:13:38And I said, "I can't.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40"I've got a sound check to go to and a gig tonight."
0:13:40 > 0:13:47He said, "No, you haven't. I can get the police to come in and I can
0:13:47 > 0:13:50"section you under the Mental Health Act if you don't come in."
0:13:50 > 0:13:53So I said, "OK, I'll make a deal with you. I'll do the sound check,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56"then I'll come in, I'll see you, then I'll go back and do the gig."
0:13:56 > 0:13:59We were singing with Bonnie Tyler, we were singing with Ruth Jones,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01so it was a kind of a real special evening.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03At the end of the rehearsal he came up to me and said,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06"I've got to go to the doctor's." I didn't think any more of it.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I just thought maybe it's cos he wasn't sleeping, maybe he
0:14:09 > 0:14:12wasn't feeling very well, and he kind of kept things to himself anyway.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I was persuaded that I had to go to Whitchurch Hospital.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18I said, "There's nothing wrong with me. Why would you hospitalise me?"
0:14:18 > 0:14:20"It's because you're depressed."
0:14:20 > 0:14:24"Well, I'm not depressed. I don't feel sad. I'm not tearful.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28"I just don't want to live."
0:14:28 > 0:14:32I then had a call from him probably about an hour before we were
0:14:32 > 0:14:36due to go on and he said, "I'm outside, I'm in the car.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38"I can't come in. Could you bring my stuff out?"
0:14:40 > 0:14:44And he was quite distant, looked like he wasn't quite there,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47so I said, "Here's your stuff. Are you OK?"
0:14:47 > 0:14:50He went, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've just got to go to hospital,"
0:14:50 > 0:14:52and I didn't think more of it.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55He just said bye. I closed the door and he drove off.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57I guess that should have been the last time I'd ever see him.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01That should have been the last time I'd have said goodbye to him.
0:15:04 > 0:15:10So, anyway, they didn't have any beds for me in Whitchurch Hospital.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12They said, "Is there somebody at home?"
0:15:12 > 0:15:16I lied and said there was -
0:15:16 > 0:15:20yet again, lies - and went home.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23They gave me a sleeping tablet they said would knock me out
0:15:23 > 0:15:25for 12 hours.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I got about five.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38I wanted out.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42I was adamant that I should kill myself,
0:15:42 > 0:15:47that everyone would be better off without me here.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I couldn't see any point in my existence.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Couldn't see any point in prolonging the inevitable.
0:16:02 > 0:16:08In the end I decided the best way to go about it would be to hang myself
0:16:08 > 0:16:13so, forget the gun, it's got to be the rope,
0:16:13 > 0:16:15the rope that we keep in the garage
0:16:15 > 0:16:17to tie the Christmas tree on every year.
0:16:22 > 0:16:27At this point, Tim sat down and wrote his suicide note in a journal.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29It was 15 pages long.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34As I'm just saying my final sort of...
0:16:36 > 0:16:41..literally final thing that I was ever going to say,
0:16:41 > 0:16:44or so I thought,
0:16:44 > 0:16:49this...wail from inside me,
0:16:49 > 0:16:53this scream, this primal noise,
0:16:53 > 0:16:57nothing like I've ever experienced ever before...
0:16:59 > 0:17:05..just erupted, just seemed to take over my whole body.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15Before you know it, I'm kneeling on the floor of my kitchen
0:17:15 > 0:17:17just...screaming.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22And, with that, the phone rang
0:17:22 > 0:17:26and I knew it was going to be the people from the crisis team
0:17:26 > 0:17:30so I answered the phone, pulled myself together, thought,
0:17:30 > 0:17:37"This is great cos you can arrange for them to call and,
0:17:37 > 0:17:42"in the meantime, you can hang yourself."
0:17:45 > 0:17:51So I answered the phone and she said, "Is that Tim?" I said yes.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53"How are you?"
0:17:53 > 0:17:55"Oh, I'm fine," and then...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59..this...
0:18:00 > 0:18:04..thing overtook me once again and I couldn't speak.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06I was...
0:18:06 > 0:18:11I was truly inconsolable,
0:18:11 > 0:18:15just sobbing, and I'm not a crier particularly,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18not at sad things anyway.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24And she said, "OK, keep talking to me. We're coming to you."
0:18:25 > 0:18:31And, before I knew it, the psychiatric team arrived at my house
0:18:31 > 0:18:35and, er...intervened.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45There was just something that I just didn't feel was right.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49I phoned Tim's mobile and the house and he didn't answer,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52which is not unusual at all.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58But I just said to my husband, "I've got to go to Tim's."
0:18:58 > 0:19:01I don't know what it was, just a sixth sense.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Then, as I drove up, the feeling of...
0:19:05 > 0:19:07..doom, I suppose.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12I didn't know what I was going to find, so as I pulled up to the house
0:19:12 > 0:19:17there was a car jackknifed across the drive, a car I didn't recognise,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20so I walked through, and through the glass in the door
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I could see the back of a lady's head, again who
0:19:22 > 0:19:26I didn't recognise, so I knocked on the door and she opened it,
0:19:26 > 0:19:31so I went up and he was there and he couldn't...
0:19:31 > 0:19:34get dressed so... I helped him to get dressed
0:19:34 > 0:19:39and he came down and he was really sorry that I was there
0:19:39 > 0:19:43and he'd put me out, you know,
0:19:43 > 0:19:47those feelings of, you know,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50that he'd put people out, really, and he didn't want to do that.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55The support that the crisis team gave to us
0:19:55 > 0:20:01on that day was really quite amazing, you know,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04and they said they're not always that lucky, cos quite often
0:20:04 > 0:20:06when they arrive at people's homes it's too late.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10That was quite difficult to hear.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Tim's husband Alun, a professional opera singer, was away at the time
0:20:15 > 0:20:18performing with the English National Opera.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22I was sitting in Starbucks, of all places, right next to the
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Coliseum in London and I just had a phone call.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29I was so cross with the people who admitted him. God, was I frank.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I was really angry.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Maybe...
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I didn't feel angry towards him actually, but maybe it was
0:20:36 > 0:20:38an inverted anger towards him
0:20:38 > 0:20:41that I was angry towards the medical people at the time.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46I was really angry with the crisis team that were here.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48I just wanted them out of my house.
0:20:48 > 0:20:53I think I remember telling them, "You just have to leave now.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56"I'll be back in two hours from London."
0:20:56 > 0:20:59I went straight on the train.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03"But you have to leave. I do not want you there when I'm back."
0:21:03 > 0:21:05I thought I could deal with it all myself.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09I thought I was able to deal with it myself
0:21:09 > 0:21:14and to brush it maybe all nicely under the carpet
0:21:14 > 0:21:20and none of this would have maybe existed at all and the great
0:21:20 > 0:21:25superhero that I am would phone from London and think you're fine, you're
0:21:25 > 0:21:29OK, you don't need any medical help, you don't need any medication.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33We'll just carry on as we are.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I think it was to do with stigma.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39That name of Whitchurch Hospital carries such a...
0:21:39 > 0:21:42"Oh, my gosh, they're in Whitchurch Hospital!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44"They must be absolutely mental!"
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Tim was placed under emergency supervision
0:21:54 > 0:21:56at Whitchurch Psychiatric Hospital, Cardiff.
0:22:05 > 0:22:10The thing about mental illness is that it's a devious little shit
0:22:10 > 0:22:17and it sits there and it knows exactly how to
0:22:17 > 0:22:21get into those dark places that can really mess with your head.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25That's what it does. That's its function.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29I gave my less...
0:22:29 > 0:22:32healthy mind a name.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I called him Derek.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38It felt like he was there lurking
0:22:38 > 0:22:42and when I was least suspecting it,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44he would just come in
0:22:44 > 0:22:47and poison.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51It felt like he'd been doing that for years and years
0:22:51 > 0:22:56and years and years and all of a sudden he was going to overtake me.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12Despite strong antidepressant drugs and the highest standards of care,
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Tim was still not safe from his demons.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19I do remember...
0:23:21 > 0:23:26..being in my room and there was a little sort of shutter on the door
0:23:26 > 0:23:31which was periodically looked through to check every 15 minutes
0:23:31 > 0:23:35that you were fine,
0:23:35 > 0:23:39and I thought I'd timed it well,
0:23:39 > 0:23:40that I could...
0:23:42 > 0:23:48..I could strangle myself with my dressing-gown cord.
0:23:50 > 0:23:55I waited for the shutter to open and then set to work but...
0:23:59 > 0:24:02..it reminded me, the nurse said to me
0:24:02 > 0:24:06that she'd noticed my behaviour that morning was slightly odd.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14So, yeah, I do remember that, being sort of...
0:24:14 > 0:24:17reprimanded...
0:24:19 > 0:24:23..held down and...the thing being untied.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Seeing him in there was heartbreaking.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33I just thought to myself, "You don't deserve to be here."
0:24:33 > 0:24:38It's not quite One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, but it's up there.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41It really is up there.
0:24:41 > 0:24:46At the time, I actually hated them with a passion.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48I felt they were responsible for pulling him
0:24:48 > 0:24:53into the mental-health system, which, of course, he needed.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55I didn't know that,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58but, looking back at it, it's a tremendous system.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01That crisis team, if they weren't there,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04I don't know what we would have done.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13He wasn't aware at the time of telling people, telling his mother,
0:25:13 > 0:25:15or telling my parents.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18He just wasn't aware of it.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23It was at the back of my mind constantly, you know,
0:25:23 > 0:25:26"I have to ring them, I have to tell them,"
0:25:26 > 0:25:28and that was hard.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Sorry.
0:25:35 > 0:25:40I think you always want to protect your closest family
0:25:40 > 0:25:43from any kind of hurt...
0:25:45 > 0:25:48..and telling my parents, my sisters,
0:25:48 > 0:25:53telling his mother, his brother, was just awful
0:25:53 > 0:25:56because you knew instantly you'd...
0:25:58 > 0:26:00..hurt them.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Not me personally hurt them, but the information that I was about to tell
0:26:03 > 0:26:08them would change their life for the next, well,
0:26:08 > 0:26:10however long it took him to get better.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18It's hard to get your head to where he was.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22He was in such a dark place, to try and kill himself, to try
0:26:22 > 0:26:26and kill himself again when he was in the hospital,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28you just can't imagine where someone is,
0:26:28 > 0:26:31someone that you know, someone that has such lust for life
0:26:31 > 0:26:34and that love of music
0:26:34 > 0:26:37and making people happy,
0:26:37 > 0:26:41to be in such a dark place that you just want to end it all.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53I'd never been in anywhere like that.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56It was very sparse and bare.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00It was hard seeing him there, cos he did look smaller and tired
0:27:00 > 0:27:06and older and all those things but he seemed quite...not happy,
0:27:06 > 0:27:10but more content in there,
0:27:10 > 0:27:13so that was some comfort.
0:27:13 > 0:27:18Me and Alun were allowed to take him out. We took him for a walk.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20I'd never been so frightened in my life.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23So we walked down Whitchurch high street and I thought he was
0:27:23 > 0:27:26just going to throw himself into the road, but it was fine.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29We had a coffee and then he wanted to go and buy a notebook,
0:27:29 > 0:27:32and then he started to write, which was great.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34It was really cathartic for him to do that.
0:27:41 > 0:27:46Over eight days in hospital, Tim filled six journals with thoughts
0:27:46 > 0:27:50and pictures as his mind struggled to make sense of what was happening.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54There's moments of real bizarre fantasy like,
0:27:54 > 0:27:59"Who knows where in this emporium of wonders I'll find myself next.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01"Maybe it'll be Space Mountain or fighting with Yoda
0:28:01 > 0:28:05"while we fend off evil oompah-loompahs
0:28:05 > 0:28:06"in the chocolate fountain.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09"We shall see, my dear, we shall see."
0:28:11 > 0:28:13I've written poetry.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16I've written music, which is odd...
0:28:18 > 0:28:21..because I didn't think I could face music.
0:28:29 > 0:28:34It would take several weeks for drug therapy to stabilise Tim's mind.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Until then, he would be kept safe.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41"All the meds, they're like manna from Heaven,
0:28:41 > 0:28:45"like that first drink of cold tap water after a long run.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47"They're like that cold rush of air that fills your lungs
0:28:47 > 0:28:50"after swimming too long under the sea.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54"They're a gift from God via the scientists' laboratory.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55"I worry less about work.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59"I care less about the future and I think less about dying.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02"Surely that must be a good thing for now.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06"Thank God the veil has lifted.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09"I will face this demon head on.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12"I'm not afraid to get into the lowest place
0:29:12 > 0:29:15"and look it into the eyes, for then only can I rid myself of it.
0:29:15 > 0:29:20"Only then can I tame this ugly and destructive, devious and clever
0:29:20 > 0:29:23"creature and only then can I live my life properly."
0:29:28 > 0:29:30Despite the austere building,
0:29:30 > 0:29:34the care Tim received at Whitchurch was second to none.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37In Whitchurch Hospital there was an art therapist.
0:29:37 > 0:29:42She encouraged me to just get my old watercolours out
0:29:42 > 0:29:47and we had this day when she was getting me
0:29:47 > 0:29:50to experiment with different washes
0:29:50 > 0:29:53and paint sunsets and paint
0:29:53 > 0:29:56just sort of calming scenes
0:29:56 > 0:30:00and she said, "I'll leave you to have five minutes
0:30:00 > 0:30:04"and I'll come back and find you."
0:30:04 > 0:30:08So I was doing a little bit of this watercolouring
0:30:08 > 0:30:13and then I just thought, "No, sod this," and I got the biggest piece
0:30:13 > 0:30:18of paper I could find and I got red acrylic paint
0:30:18 > 0:30:22and I just painted the first thing which came into my head,
0:30:22 > 0:30:24which was a question mark.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28By the time she came back into the room
0:30:28 > 0:30:33I'd painted 14 different question marks.
0:30:34 > 0:30:39All red, all on white backgrounds,
0:30:39 > 0:30:43variety of sizes
0:30:43 > 0:30:46and they were getting progressively smaller,
0:30:46 > 0:30:49but the question was always there no matter how small it was.
0:30:51 > 0:30:55Sometimes it's screaming at you in the face and sometimes it's
0:30:55 > 0:31:00just this little nagging, gnawing thing,
0:31:00 > 0:31:03but it never left me.
0:31:03 > 0:31:08It's cliched in so many ways, but it was fantastically...
0:31:08 > 0:31:10invigorating
0:31:10 > 0:31:13and it enabled me to do something that I just felt
0:31:13 > 0:31:15I could be creative.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19It did.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22It made me feel better, and I think those types of therapies,
0:31:22 > 0:31:28art therapy, talking therapies, all of that is this package of help.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35Over two years on since his life-saving treatment at Whitchurch,
0:31:35 > 0:31:38Tim's long-term care continues under his GP.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45I haven't seen you for a little while. How have you been?
0:31:45 > 0:31:48No, I've been good, actually.
0:31:48 > 0:31:52Since we adjusted the medication tail end of the summer,
0:31:52 > 0:31:56I've been finding that I've been coping with things much better.
0:31:56 > 0:32:01I'd be lying if I said that I never have
0:32:01 > 0:32:03suicidal thoughts
0:32:03 > 0:32:08but they are few and far between now
0:32:08 > 0:32:11and they are...
0:32:12 > 0:32:18I think all the protective factors around me now of the need to be well
0:32:18 > 0:32:24in order to be a fully functioning human being...
0:32:25 > 0:32:28..when I have any of those thoughts
0:32:28 > 0:32:31I'm able to put a lot of my coping strategies into place.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39I think it has been a real wake-up call for him.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42I think he's now established on some medication which seems to be
0:32:42 > 0:32:46helping him and I think that
0:32:46 > 0:32:50he's got a very good chance of recovering completely.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54He'll probably always be a little bit vulnerable for mental-health
0:32:54 > 0:32:59issues, but I think he's got a really good chance of making
0:32:59 > 0:33:02almost a complete recovery.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07OK, let's...do that again.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09Just once, just once.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12Tim's health continues to improve.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14He's taken a big step by returning to work.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19Who knows where this is going to go? Just feel it.
0:33:19 > 0:33:24Just dance or whatever. Shut up, Tim. Here we go.
0:33:24 > 0:33:30- ALL:- # To stop the train in cases of emergency just pull on the chain. #
0:33:30 > 0:33:36'I've always found music to be this chalice into which
0:33:36 > 0:33:39'I could pour all of my problems,
0:33:39 > 0:33:43'but when I had my breakdown,
0:33:43 > 0:33:47'music was completely off limits to me.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49'I just couldn't listen to music
0:33:49 > 0:33:54'because it was too painful a reminder of the person I wasn't.'
0:33:57 > 0:34:00THEY CHEER
0:34:00 > 0:34:05To be back in work now, to be able to make music again
0:34:05 > 0:34:11and enjoy this thing that is SO important to me,
0:34:11 > 0:34:16to enjoy being in a room with no instruments, no piano,
0:34:16 > 0:34:21just a group of people and then you start to sing and you create
0:34:21 > 0:34:24harmony, so what I'm trying to do, and I would be lying
0:34:24 > 0:34:27if I said I did this very successfully all the time,
0:34:27 > 0:34:32but I am trying in the middle of a piece of music, when we're
0:34:32 > 0:34:36in the middle of a rehearsal, just to think, "This is great.
0:34:36 > 0:34:41"It's really, really good to be back
0:34:41 > 0:34:44"and to be...happy."
0:34:45 > 0:34:48THEY HARMONISE
0:34:48 > 0:34:51LAUGHTER
0:34:51 > 0:34:55I was thinking something completely different. Jesus Christ!
0:35:10 > 0:35:13Tim's mother and family were there for him
0:35:13 > 0:35:16throughout every stage of his illness.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19The memories of that time are still very raw.
0:35:22 > 0:35:27'I saw my dad's parents survive him.
0:35:27 > 0:35:31'He died at the age of 49 of natural causes
0:35:31 > 0:35:35'and they were completely devastated and they never got over it...'
0:35:36 > 0:35:39Hi, Mam!
0:35:40 > 0:35:43Hello.
0:35:43 > 0:35:49'..and I had to see my mother witness her son wanting to just say,
0:35:49 > 0:35:52'"Thanks for giving birth to me, thanks for all you've done,
0:35:52 > 0:35:55'"I'm off now."'
0:35:59 > 0:36:03You never want to tell the person who's given you life that
0:36:03 > 0:36:07you're in that state,
0:36:07 > 0:36:09but, thank God, Mam never judged me,
0:36:09 > 0:36:12never questioned me.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14Just supported me.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20Yeah, I think
0:36:20 > 0:36:24- one of the problems is that you kept everything inside you...- Yeah.
0:36:24 > 0:36:28..and didn't tell everybody.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31Because you think you know the answer
0:36:31 > 0:36:35and the answer is not good...
0:36:36 > 0:36:40..but it's the last thing you're going to do, is tell people that.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46But, yeah, thank God, things are...
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Well, you know the story.
0:36:50 > 0:36:55I got there, thanks to this one, thanks to Alun.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Look at that. An original lightsaber.
0:37:01 > 0:37:031979, that was.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05I had my record player
0:37:05 > 0:37:09and I had my double album of Grease.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12Oh, yeah, you danced and listened to that for hours.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26Despite being advised to get rid of them,
0:37:26 > 0:37:31Tim has kept the journals in which he recorded his darkest thoughts.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33I don't know why I keep them.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36I don't know why I keep the question marks.
0:37:36 > 0:37:40I don't know why I haven't had just a post-breakdown bonfire.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44Um...
0:37:44 > 0:37:49Maybe one day that will be the thing to do,
0:37:49 > 0:37:51but, at the moment, I think
0:37:51 > 0:37:55they're a very useful and...
0:37:55 > 0:38:00arresting reminder of a period in my life
0:38:00 > 0:38:03that I do not want to go back to.
0:38:03 > 0:38:07So, at the moment, they're like a guard in front of the fire.
0:38:11 > 0:38:15Today, Tim has chosen to read his suicide note
0:38:15 > 0:38:17for the first time since he wrote it.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21Right, OK, so, um...
0:38:24 > 0:38:27"I'm sorry that I haven't been honest with you about how I've been
0:38:27 > 0:38:30"feeling and if you're reading this then I've probably gone through
0:38:30 > 0:38:35"with escaping from what seems to me like an overly exhausting situation.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38"I'm not sure whether I will do this at the moment
0:38:38 > 0:38:39"but, as this comes over me in waves,
0:38:39 > 0:38:43"I wanted to make sure that I'd at least written something down.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46"A suicide note is a weird thing and I want everyone to know that,
0:38:46 > 0:38:50"as I write this, I don't have tears streaming down my face.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52"Nor do I feel much of anything, to be honest.
0:38:52 > 0:38:56"I think I've gone past feelings except one - love.
0:38:57 > 0:39:01"I feel an overwhelming sense of love that can't be contained almost.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05"I've loved you all with all my heart and continue so to do,
0:39:05 > 0:39:08"so wherever I be, I know that will continue.
0:39:09 > 0:39:12"I feel blessed, so blessed to have had a wonderful family
0:39:12 > 0:39:16"and friends and to have an opportunity to do something good.
0:39:18 > 0:39:22"I want you to know that this isn't anybody's fault."
0:39:26 > 0:39:29It's very, very odd reading that.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36Mmm, it's...
0:39:38 > 0:39:41I don't recognise that man.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47But I do remember writing it and I do remember how I...
0:39:48 > 0:39:53..just the state I was in and it was a weird mixture of...
0:39:55 > 0:39:58..calm and...
0:40:00 > 0:40:02..complete mess.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05I feel a bit shaken, to be honest.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11No, maybe I should get rid of it.
0:40:11 > 0:40:12Maybe I need to be shaken.
0:40:12 > 0:40:17Maybe I need to have a constant reminder what happens
0:40:17 > 0:40:21when you don't talk,
0:40:21 > 0:40:26when you keep fears and problems in...
0:40:29 > 0:40:32..and why I can never go there again
0:40:32 > 0:40:36because, if I do,
0:40:36 > 0:40:40if I go to that depth ever again,
0:40:40 > 0:40:43I don't think I'll come out.
0:41:01 > 0:41:05I do fear it coming back, of course I do. Anybody would.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08Anybody would.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10It's taken years, actually,
0:41:10 > 0:41:13to get the right balance of medication,
0:41:13 > 0:41:20and thank God for it, because that kind of realigns the chemical
0:41:20 > 0:41:25inbalances of your brain and of your mental health and it helps.
0:41:35 > 0:41:39I would urge people to, if they are feeling...
0:41:40 > 0:41:44..any signs of depression
0:41:44 > 0:41:49or can't cope at work or at home,
0:41:49 > 0:41:54to seek advice or just tell somebody about it.
0:41:54 > 0:41:59There's lots of help out there in different forms,
0:41:59 > 0:42:02but I just hope that people don't feel
0:42:02 > 0:42:06there's no other option or no way out.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22I think him getting back into work
0:42:22 > 0:42:26and getting back into doing the things he loves is great to see.
0:42:26 > 0:42:30He's just inspiring these people again and it's great to see that.
0:42:30 > 0:42:34It's what we've missed over the past few years,
0:42:34 > 0:42:37so it's lovely to see and I just hope he continues, he will, he will
0:42:37 > 0:42:41continue to get better and, one day, let's hope he's fully recovered.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53I'm really, really lucky.
0:42:53 > 0:42:58I'm in a very stable, long-term relationship with a wonderful man.
0:42:58 > 0:43:00I've got a brilliant family.
0:43:00 > 0:43:03I've got great friends.
0:43:03 > 0:43:08It shouldn't really have happened to me,
0:43:08 > 0:43:10yet it did,
0:43:10 > 0:43:13and there are people out there who have nobody
0:43:13 > 0:43:17and if, by making this programme,
0:43:17 > 0:43:24I can increase the awareness of this
0:43:24 > 0:43:27very common illness,
0:43:27 > 0:43:31and if I can help to normalise it
0:43:31 > 0:43:34in a very, very small way,
0:43:34 > 0:43:37then that's why I wanted to do it.