0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language and some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting
0:00:09 > 0:00:12Teenage girls are self-harming more than ever before.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Admissions to A&E have risen two-thirds in the past decade.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19I don't want people just to know me as "that girl with problems"
0:00:19 > 0:00:21or "the girl who self-harms".
0:00:21 > 0:00:24This is the story of three families
0:00:24 > 0:00:26whose daughters have been sectioned...
0:00:26 > 0:00:29I just thought, I'm your sister.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31You can't leave me behind.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33..away from home,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36as they go through the most crucial stage in their treatment.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38No-one is expecting you to recover overnight.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40It doesn't happen like that.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- SOBS:- Yeah, but it's took a year and a half, Mum!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44What's it like to face the reality
0:00:44 > 0:00:47of being unable to keep your child safe?
0:00:47 > 0:00:51It sounds daft as a parent not to know that your own daughter
0:00:51 > 0:00:53wants to hurt herself.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56You're waiting for that phone call to say that she's killed herself.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Having to hand over responsibility to a secure hospital,
0:01:00 > 0:01:02not knowing when they'll return?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05I'm really hopeful this time that she's going to crack it
0:01:05 > 0:01:07and we're going to get her home.
0:01:28 > 0:01:34"22nd July, 2017. All day yesterday, I was quite emotional.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37"Thoughts are bad at the moment
0:01:37 > 0:01:41"and I'm struggling to just ignore them now."
0:01:41 > 0:01:45"Favourite songs at the moment - Space Oddity, David Bowie.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47"No Surprises, Radiohead."
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Jade is 17.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54She was detained under the Mental Health Act 18 months ago
0:01:54 > 0:01:57to protect her from harming herself.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Can I have some Special K, please?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- Thank you.- That's all right.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06'She's one of 90 patients at Fitzroy House,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08a secure psychiatric hospital
0:02:08 > 0:02:11which treats some of the most unwell children in the country
0:02:11 > 0:02:13with complex mental illness.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Do you mind if I join you, Jade? - No, come join.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Why are you here?
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Um, it started getting bad when I was about 12.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Um...
0:02:24 > 0:02:26..and then,
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I don't know, it's always been around.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31But I just thought it was normal.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34When I was in year ten,
0:02:34 > 0:02:37so by the time GCSEs had already started,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40I just looked completely miserable in my eyes.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Like if you just covered my face, you would see no emotion in my eyes.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46And that's when I actually thought to myself, like, "Crap.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49"I can't keep going on like this."
0:02:49 > 0:02:52With your mental health then, have you been diagnosed?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Yeah.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Schizotypal personality disorder.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03It's a bit of a complicated one.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I don't actually understand it myself.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07For me, it just means...
0:03:09 > 0:03:12..thinking things that may not necessarily be true.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Like paranoid or delusional thoughts.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I don't trust my own mind.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Jade takes a mixture of antidepressants
0:03:27 > 0:03:31and anti-psychotic drugs to help stabilise her mood.
0:03:31 > 0:03:36Her treatment also involves regular group and individual therapy.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Thank you.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40She's observed 24 hours a day
0:03:40 > 0:03:43and lives on a locked ward with seven others.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47She's not allowed to have access to social media
0:03:47 > 0:03:49and is supervised with risk items
0:03:49 > 0:03:51such as mirrors or glass.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I guess to anyone else, if they came here for a day,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57it would be difficult, but I think we're just so used to it now,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00we're so used to having observations and knowing where we are
0:04:00 > 0:04:05and having the doors opened for us and having things locked away,
0:04:05 > 0:04:09it just becomes normal now.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13But I know when I first came into hospital, it was...a shock.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17It was a complete shock.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20What does it feel like being here, then?
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Um...
0:04:21 > 0:04:27It's nice that you get to be with other people kind of like you,
0:04:27 > 0:04:31but I kind of miss home and my family.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I kept blaming myself.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I went over about 50 different things.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Is it me? Is it the divorce? Is it the move?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Is it the change of schools? Is she being bullied?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Is it self-esteem? Oh, dear.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54There was nothing to indicate, as she was getting older,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56that there was anything like this down the pipeline.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Took me ages to walk past her room and not go, "Morning, Jade."
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Or knock on the door, going, "Get up."
0:05:05 > 0:05:08You forget that she's not here. She's not here at all.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12It sometimes just makes me choke up and then, if I do that,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I sometimes just take myself out of the room
0:05:14 > 0:05:16because I feel it's better.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I don't want to get myself too upset.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20It doesn't stop myself from crying,
0:05:20 > 0:05:25but we're all human and entitled to cry about things.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28I just don't like to show it a lot of the time.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34We've had bad times in here, we've had good times in here.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38We had one of the worst ones when Jade tried to...
0:05:38 > 0:05:41She put a ligature around her neck
0:05:41 > 0:05:44and I walked in on her with it around her neck.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47So then we phoned the unit and told them
0:05:47 > 0:05:49they were bringing her straight back.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53In some ways, is it a relief to have her in hospital?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55It sounds horrible, but yes.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00A big relief, and it's not saying that's shirking responsibility
0:06:00 > 0:06:03as a parent, but you kind of feel...
0:06:04 > 0:06:07..yeah, someone else is looking after her and...
0:06:09 > 0:06:11..they are doing far more than we ever could.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Just finding photos.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24I think we must've took about a million photographs.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27At the time, they just looked exactly the same, obviously,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30with slightly different colour hair.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Yes, I did the twin thing, dressing them up in identical clothing.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40What are you doing?
0:06:40 > 0:06:41LAUGHS
0:06:41 > 0:06:43They are completely different.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Jade....
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Jade!
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Jade will just keep everything to herself and only say things
0:06:50 > 0:06:52if she feels appropriate.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Hello, bubby.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Megan's more forthright.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Megan will say what she thinks
0:06:58 > 0:07:00whether people like her opinion or not.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I think she just finds it very hard accepting where Jade is.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Jade was going to be the one that goes to university,
0:07:12 > 0:07:16that goes to college, that gets an amazing job.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I never thought that we'd be in this place right now
0:07:20 > 0:07:22and her being in hospital.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Did you have any idea that she was unwell or did you...?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29No, not at all.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32I knew she had been spending...
0:07:32 > 0:07:34a lot of time in her room
0:07:34 > 0:07:36and obviously I thought nothing of it,
0:07:36 > 0:07:40because Jade's a very quiet person
0:07:40 > 0:07:43and obviously she never said anything to anyone.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46She never mentioned anything to anyone.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50She wasn't upset. She didn't look it.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53She didn't look like anything was wrong with her at all,
0:07:53 > 0:07:55but she'd been self-harming for a while.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57We didn't know how long.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59It got worse and worse as the months went on.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04I was heartbroken.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Don't know, I just thought I was going to lose her.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13And obviously there'd be nights that I'd cry cos I'd think...
0:08:15 > 0:08:17..all these things that we done together...
0:08:19 > 0:08:20It's horrible.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I don't visit her a lot any more
0:08:28 > 0:08:31because it hurts me looking at her.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35It's a horrible place to be.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Like, all the people there that, you know,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41have attempted suicide, and I think,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I don't think that's a good place for my sister.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46To me, it feels like she's in prison.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52# Ground control to Major Tom
0:08:54 > 0:08:57# Ground control to Major Tom... #
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Jade turns 18 next month and will have to move on from Fitzroy.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Like a third of all patients here,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08her next step will be a secure hospital for adults,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11unless her medical team thinks she's ready to come off her section
0:09:11 > 0:09:13and be discharged.
0:09:13 > 0:09:18# And I think my spaceship knows which way to go... #
0:09:18 > 0:09:20I feel like, at the minute, I'm nearly ready
0:09:20 > 0:09:22to get out into the community
0:09:22 > 0:09:23and if I go to adults,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I feel like it's just going to put me back a little bit.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28# Ground control to Major Tom
0:09:28 > 0:09:31# Your circuit's dead, there's something wrong... #
0:09:31 > 0:09:33They say that once you go into adults,
0:09:33 > 0:09:35you kind of get a bit stuck in the system.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38You can get institutionalised.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41I kind of want to start afresh and just get on with my life.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- You can't do that. - I can.- You can't.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56You cannot put that on there.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Jess is also 17
0:09:57 > 0:10:01and another patient at Fitzroy sectioned for her own safety.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Some days, I'm really good. Some days, I'm really bad.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06There's no really in between.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Really?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Yeah. Very up and down.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12One minute, you're fine,
0:10:12 > 0:10:14the next minute, everything's going wrong.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19What do you struggle with, then?
0:10:19 > 0:10:20My emotions.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Don't deal with them in the best way.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Jess began self-harming in her first year at secondary school.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Since then, she's been in and out of psychiatric units.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36You've been to how many different units, Jess?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38About eight or nine, probably.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41All over the country.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Manchester, Woking, Kent,
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Southampton, Northampton, Torquay.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52So, first of all, we're going to start with
0:10:52 > 0:10:56you guys getting some of this, Post-it notes,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59and what I want you to do is brainstorm
0:10:59 > 0:11:01all the emotions that you can think of.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Jess was transferred to Fitzroy seven months ago
0:11:05 > 0:11:06and her medical team are treating her
0:11:06 > 0:11:10for mixed disorder of conduct and emotions.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12So this is the first goal of the session,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14to be able to name your emotions.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18The main part of Jess's treatment plan is DBT -
0:11:18 > 0:11:20dialectical behaviour therapy -
0:11:20 > 0:11:23which helps her develop new ways of coping with her emotions
0:11:23 > 0:11:24so they don't become overwhelming.
0:11:25 > 0:11:31I want you to pick what is the one emotion that you find the hardest.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34I want you to pick it up when you find it.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40So we've got over here - "guilty," "ashamed,"
0:11:40 > 0:11:43so we're looking at how we can change our emotion
0:11:43 > 0:11:44once it's started.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57None of the patients know when they will be able to go home.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Most are on sections which are formally renewed every six months.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Jess has decided to contest her renewal.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Her case will be heard by an impartial panel of volunteers
0:12:18 > 0:12:21specially trained in the Mental Health Act.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26How do you feel about being on section, Jessica?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I don't really want to be.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31You don't want to be on section?
0:12:31 > 0:12:36So that sort of indicates to us that you're contesting the section.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Is that right?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42You said that you don't want to be on section any more.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Could you just tell me why not?
0:12:43 > 0:12:49I don't know. I just feel like I'd be able to get a bit further, like,
0:12:49 > 0:12:53outside the hospital, like, going to college.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Sophie, can you give us an update, please?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I've known Jess since she was first admitted.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04Initially engaged quite frequently in serious self-harm behaviours
0:13:04 > 0:13:06that we were quite concerned about.
0:13:06 > 0:13:11Now she's made progress but her risk is still there and obviously there
0:13:11 > 0:13:15was the episode of Jess attempting to abscond from St Andrews.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18During that incident, she was quite difficult to manage
0:13:18 > 0:13:22and it took about two-and-a-half hours to get her back to the ward.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Jessica, our opinion is, from what we've heard,
0:13:27 > 0:13:33the criteria for detention is met and we feel that you are doing well
0:13:33 > 0:13:38here and need to remain, so that you can continue to improve.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Thank you for coming along. You've done really well, Jessica.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I wasn't expecting to get taken off my section
0:13:53 > 0:13:56but then there's part of me thinking maybe I would.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00It's easy to get in, hard to get out.
0:14:09 > 0:14:14Jess's parents have only had their daughter home for 14 months in the past five years.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20We've missed so much of her growing up
0:14:20 > 0:14:24and all we get is 48 hours at the weekend.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27With no secure hospital for children in their county,
0:14:27 > 0:14:29they've always had to travel to visit her.
0:14:31 > 0:14:36They currently do a 300-mile round trip to Northampton every weekend.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40When Jessica first went in the unit, she was 13 years old.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42To be that far away from your family...
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Jess is the youngest of four siblings.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54You sign that to say that you haven't got anything on you.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59This is the first time her brothers have been able to visit in three months.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05They've got a couple of, well, they are called meeting rooms off the ward
0:15:05 > 0:15:07and that's as far as you go.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11You don't see what they do all day.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14We haven't actually seen her room.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20We never ever wanted to put her in a unit in the first place
0:15:20 > 0:15:25and we did fight really hard to keep her at home,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28but it just got to the stage where we couldn't keep her safe any more,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30so we had no option.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37We had a meeting with the consultant and they said,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40"What do you want, Jessica?"
0:15:40 > 0:15:42And she said, "I want to go home."
0:15:42 > 0:15:45And he said, "So what will you do when you get home?"
0:15:45 > 0:15:46And she said, "Kill myself."
0:15:48 > 0:15:50And then she was sectioned.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53It was the worst day of my life.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00She started with anorexia. And then she progressed from there.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Everything was locked away at home and then we had the kind of overdoses,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07anything she could get her hands on really.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09She drank bleach a couple of times.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Banging her head against the wall.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13She came home one weekend on leave
0:16:13 > 0:16:16and she tried to throw herself out of the car.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Her imagination for harm is just unbelievable.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Had you ever felt at risk of her actually following through
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- with some of this? - Oh, very much so.- Yeah, very much.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- I can't... We can't believe that she's still alive today.- Mmm.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Who's this?
0:16:40 > 0:16:44I think the one who is most affected is Sam, because he's been
0:16:44 > 0:16:46at home the whole time.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50She was in Woking when he was doing his GCSEs.
0:16:50 > 0:16:55I mean, he did his revision for that in the back of the car on the way to Woking and back.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Are you all right?
0:16:58 > 0:17:02It's difficult for her and it's difficult for us to understand what she's going through.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04She's just been...
0:17:04 > 0:17:06stuck in a confined space
0:17:06 > 0:17:09for nearly a year now.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11She hasn't had much contact.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14We'd all prefer to have her at home.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18What have I got to do?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21You've got to collect four fours, three threes.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Got any jacks, Jess?
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- Have I got any jacks? - Yeah, yeah, jacks.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29I haven't been out in a really long time.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I get a bit scared.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I panic.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Anything could happen.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46One queen.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Jess is currently not allowed to leave the secure setting of
0:17:49 > 0:17:53the hospital. The last time staff took her out on the grounds,
0:17:53 > 0:17:55she panicked and tried to run away.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59She's terrified of being in the real world.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Large crowds, she can't do.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05To Jess,
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Joe Bloggs walking down the street is a terrorist, or a murderer.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14It's got a lot worse since she's been in because they are taken out of the real world.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Do you ever ask yourself, "Why Jess?"
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Oh, why Jess? Yeah. All the time.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24And are there any answers the doctors have been able to give you?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Nobody knows why.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I'm hoping that this hospital is the one that sorts her out.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45A lot has happened since the end of last month and it's only been a week.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I'm losing control again.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I can't see any sign of hope,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51light or a future with a sense of wellbeing.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58It's just two weeks until Jade turns 18.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Her medical team have told her that she'll be moving
0:19:04 > 0:19:06to an adult secure unit.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14They say she's not ready, she should still be in a hospital
0:19:14 > 0:19:17but in adult services, and with that,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20because you can't guarantee what age you are going to be put in with.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22bearing in mind she's only 18,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25a lot of time, they don't distinguish between an 18 and an 80-year-old.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27What are you worried about?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30That she could go downhill.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35That we could lose all the hard work that's been put into
0:19:35 > 0:19:37these last few months.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40That she's not going to want to do anything.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46I don't know. Just all manner of feelings.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47It's really difficult.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Sorry.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Fitzroy is just half an hour's drive for Clare,
0:20:06 > 0:20:09but when Jade turns 18, she'll be moved to an available bed
0:20:09 > 0:20:12which could be anywhere in the country.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13Hello, sweetheart.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Hello, Mum.- Are you all right? - Yeah.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Are you tired?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Yeah? Me too.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Shall we go outside?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I don't know how this is going to go.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27I couldn't eat lunch today because I was just thinking about it.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29I was thinking what the fuck is going to happen?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32I just feel like I've let you down so much because...
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- You haven't let anyone down. - I was saying to Jane as well,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I literally feel like I've just let everyone down because I wasn't
0:20:37 > 0:20:40listening to everyone at the start, but I'd got to the point where I was listening,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43and it was too late by that time and now I'm going into adult and I
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- feel like I've let everyone down. - You haven't let anyone down.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Look at me. Look at me.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- Look at me.- I can't, Mum. - Jade!- I can't, I can't.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Jade! You haven't let anyone down.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I'm sorry.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- Why are you sorry? - I feel like I've let you down.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Jade! Stop saying that.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I was only meant to be in here for like, what? Two months?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10No-one's expecting you to recover overnight.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12It doesn't happen like that.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13But it's took a year-and-a-half, Mum.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16It's not your fault. You're doing all you can
0:21:16 > 0:21:20to get yourself off the section.
0:21:20 > 0:21:25Stop saying you've let me down, because you haven't.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Across the country, adult inpatient beds have been cut.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36The number of patients treated out of their local area
0:21:36 > 0:21:40has gone up by 40% in two years.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44I'm hoping it's going to be within this area,
0:21:44 > 0:21:48but it could be outside of the county, as well.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51There's no definites at the minute.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55The only definite is that I'm going to adult and that's it.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59That's not a particularly great definite.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08PHONE RINGS
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Hello?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Hello, darling.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- Hello?- Are you all right? - I'm all right.
0:22:17 > 0:22:22We're coming up today but I don't know whether we'll make it before the end of visiting time.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- That's cool.- We'll come in tomorrow.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- That's fine.- Yeah? OK.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29OK, love you. Bye. Bye.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32OK. Love you too. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44That's the last picture I've got with her arms like that.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50It was about three months after that was taken that I got a phone call
0:22:50 > 0:22:53from the school to say that she'd self-harmed.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59She started on her belly to start off with and then,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01then she went to her arms.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Looking back, there were signs, but at the time,
0:23:07 > 0:23:11she'd say she had a migraine so she didn't have to go to school.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13And within an hour or two, she'd be fine.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Why was she avoiding school?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Because of the bullies.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21They were calling her fat and chubby and...
0:23:22 > 0:23:24And things like that.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28I think it was more verbal and mental bullying
0:23:28 > 0:23:30than it was physical.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34When I was a kid, you didn't have Facebook.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35We didn't have phones.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Obviously, now you've got online bullying.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42One thing that sticks in my mind about Jess,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45in her bedroom, she had a desk clock-radio kind of thing
0:23:45 > 0:23:48and she had the Sugababes song Ugly on repeat.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52She was probably about nine, ten, 11 - that kind of age.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54And it was constantly on, all the time.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57You listen to the words and you think,
0:23:57 > 0:24:00she was worried about the way she looked and the way she felt then.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06It started off with the anorexia but what I can't get my head around is
0:24:06 > 0:24:08how we went from an eating disorder
0:24:08 > 0:24:11to suicide attempts.
0:24:13 > 0:24:19I had a phone call from the police to stay that she was on the multistorey car park.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21They managed to talk her down.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26How old was Jess then?
0:24:26 > 0:24:2712.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33It's heartbreaking for her, really.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37One, that I didn't pick up on it
0:24:39 > 0:24:43and two, that she, you know, was that unhappy
0:24:43 > 0:24:45and couldn't say.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I'm updating your social circumstance report
0:24:56 > 0:24:58in light of your sectioning.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00When Jess came to Fitzroy,
0:25:00 > 0:25:04her parents handed over responsibility for her care,
0:25:04 > 0:25:08from decisions about treatment to whether she's safe enough to go out.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12- Hello.- Hi.- Sorry I was a bit late.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13It's OK.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Jess's parents have fortnightly meetings with her psychiatrist, Ennis.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23He will decide when she's ready to go home.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26- We really do want to help her. - Yeah, sure.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I don't understand it 100%,
0:25:28 > 0:25:30but you have got to try and do the best for your child.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34I've spent many years trying to understand the complexities of
0:25:34 > 0:25:37these types of problems and I think, ultimately,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39some of it is just incomprehensible.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41You know, when you see your son or daughter, you know,
0:25:41 > 0:25:42trying to severely harm themselves,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45it's very hard to get your head around why that's happening,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48but ultimately, the crucial bit is how you manage it.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- Can I go and get Jess, then? Is that all right?- Yes.- Yes.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Right. I'll be two seconds.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Hello, Missus.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- How are things?- Not too bad.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02I understand there's been some ups and downs, sometimes,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04when things have been challenging,
0:26:04 > 0:26:06sometimes when things have been really positive,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08and general mood control at the moment. How's that been?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- It's not been too bad. - It's not been too bad.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15How do you feel that your mum and dad are coping with your mental state at the moment?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- I know they're in the room. - All right.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Do you think you've changed as a person?
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Do you think your brain's maturing or you're developing new coping strategies? Or...
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- Something's changed. - Something's changed?- Mmm.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30She's definitely through that very severe turmoil
0:26:30 > 0:26:33sort of stage when she first arrived.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34I've seen some of the strengths you've got
0:26:34 > 0:26:37and I've seen the areas of challenge that you've got too.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39We will have to give you leave again at some point.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41We can't postpone it forever.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44What would be the challenges for you going out on leave?
0:26:44 > 0:26:47I don't know. Just getting back into socialising
0:26:47 > 0:26:51with like big groups of people, crowds, yeah.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54We don't expect that you're always going to feel great.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56There will be times when your mood will be quite low and you will be
0:26:56 > 0:27:00struggling, but it's how you manage them that's the crucial bit of it.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01All right. Nice to see you all.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- OK.- All right?- Thank you.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- I shall see you later.- Thank you, Ennis. Thank you very much.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08- All the best.- Thank you.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Today, I see quite a positive Jess.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Over the last few weeks,
0:27:11 > 0:27:16she seems to have really come on and is working really hard,
0:27:16 > 0:27:21and she's engaging with DBT, which seems to be helping.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23But, then, Jess changes so quickly
0:27:23 > 0:27:27that you can't get too complacent, really.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Right, girlies. Who is doing nails?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Me.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- What colour are your dresses, girls?- Black.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Are you excited?
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- Yeah.- Is everyone going from your ward?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46- Pretty much.- Yeah.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Jess has decided to go to the hospital's prom.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Do you want me to pin this all up?
0:27:51 > 0:27:54It's a chance to see how she'll cope with a large group of people.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Are you going for the whole two hours?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00I dunno.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Makes you feel better when you've had your hair done, especially going to prom.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04It's such a big thing.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07I don't know. I never got a prom at school.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14LOUD MUSIC AND CHATTER
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Jess, can you hear me, love.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Jess, it's OK. Jess, it's OK.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Listen, I know it's really hard...
0:29:06 > 0:29:08OK? But it's people that you know.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10It's me and Tim. Nadine and Tim.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12Just try and slow that breathing down for me.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Nice and slowly. OK.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17Nice and slow.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19It's OK.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21No, Jess, no kicking.
0:29:21 > 0:29:22Come on.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25Let's get you standing up.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27No, Jess. Come on.
0:29:27 > 0:29:28Are you all right, Tim?
0:29:28 > 0:29:31Jess, I'm going to put some ice in this hand.
0:29:31 > 0:29:36Right, and I'm going to put a little bit on the back of your neck.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38OK. Are you ready?
0:29:41 > 0:29:44What do you reckon? Get up? That's it! Well done, mate.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46- You're OK.- Are you OK?
0:29:46 > 0:29:49- Well done.- Right, we're going to still help you, OK?
0:29:52 > 0:29:54Well done, that's it.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07It was really hot, really crowded, really loud.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12I tried to keep pushing it all out of my head, all my worries, and stuff,
0:30:12 > 0:30:14but then it just got too much.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16I just panicked.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18I just...
0:30:18 > 0:30:20..went out of control.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Does that happen quite a lot?
0:30:22 > 0:30:24Not as much as it used to.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27You're going to go into the bathroom.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29You're going to brush your teeth.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31You've worked so hard. You finally think you're getting somewhere,
0:30:31 > 0:30:34like you'll be able to get out of here soon.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36And it all comes crashing back down.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48The average stay for patients at Fitzroy is just over a year.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52It's been horrible, like, being away from home,
0:30:52 > 0:30:54being away from all my friends, like,
0:30:54 > 0:30:56just being away from kind of real life.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59Erin is 16.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01She's being treated for depression,
0:31:01 > 0:31:04anxiety and mixed disorder of conduct and emotions.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06ALARM RINGS
0:31:23 > 0:31:27It's always hard when the ward's unsettled because a lot of the issues people are
0:31:27 > 0:31:30having, like, you've been in that situation before.
0:31:30 > 0:31:34Sometimes you do kind of think of having incidents again.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40We start by looking at what expectations are for skills training.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42Who'd like to read the first one?
0:31:42 > 0:31:44- I'll read the first one? - Go on, then.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Each member must be attending ongoing, individual therapy.
0:31:47 > 0:31:51Members should not discuss past suicidal behaviours
0:31:51 > 0:31:53with other members outside of the session.
0:31:53 > 0:31:58Like Jess, Erin is being helped to cope when she is distressed,
0:31:58 > 0:32:01so she doesn't self-harm when her feelings become unmanageable.
0:32:01 > 0:32:05Has anybody got any examples of when they've been in one of these mind states?
0:32:05 > 0:32:08I've got one when I was in reasonable mind.
0:32:08 > 0:32:12- Yeah?- So, the ward's been quiet and settled at the minute, and, like,
0:32:12 > 0:32:16I've been thinking through, like, whether or not, like,
0:32:16 > 0:32:22to join in and stuff, so, I'm thinking of all the reasons why I shouldn't.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25- Like, the logic?- Yeah.
0:32:25 > 0:32:28How did you end up being someone who needed hospital treatment?
0:32:29 > 0:32:32Er, well, I don't really know
0:32:32 > 0:32:36how to like start with it, really, because,
0:32:36 > 0:32:38like, it built up over time.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41Things kept happening. So I got bullied at my school,
0:32:41 > 0:32:44so I had to move schools. Then after I moved schools,
0:32:44 > 0:32:48my mum and dad split up and it was all like that.
0:32:48 > 0:32:49It was, like, all had a domino effect.
0:32:49 > 0:32:53Everything just kept getting worse and then it built up over time.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56Then, I did just crack.
0:32:57 > 0:33:01Erin hid her mental illness until she had a mental breakdown at her friend's party.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08She was taken to A&E and was sectioned four weeks later.
0:33:08 > 0:33:13It feels so much different to how I felt then, like,
0:33:13 > 0:33:17that was the first time at that party that anybody had any idea that
0:33:17 > 0:33:20I was actually struggling, myself.
0:33:20 > 0:33:21Like, I'd never...
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Nobody had ever seen me like that, or anything.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28I just felt very alone.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30It's a bit deep.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33But I didn't want to be alive any more.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41Hello. Can we have two phones, please?
0:33:43 > 0:33:44Thank you.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46Take your pick.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48Right.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50Are you ready?
0:33:50 > 0:33:53Erin hasn't self-harmed in over two months.
0:33:53 > 0:33:54I've had a lot of support, so,
0:33:54 > 0:33:58talking to staff has been the main thing for me.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00I'm definitely being more open.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02Like, I can talk about how I'm feeling.
0:34:03 > 0:34:07Now her medical team and parents agree she's ready to start working
0:34:07 > 0:34:08towards going home.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11- Do you want me to just leave you here?- What? Yeah.- Sure?- Yeah.
0:34:11 > 0:34:15- OK. I'm going to walk down this way. - OK.- Have a good time.- Yeah, will do.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Her first step is a trip out with staff.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20And today, for the first time in a year,
0:34:20 > 0:34:22she's having half an hour on her own.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26To help me cope through things,
0:34:26 > 0:34:30I always just think of what effect it will have on me in the future.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33I'm desperate to go home.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41They're so nice. They'd sell them at Kinghead.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43Oh, they do milkshake.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45- Can't we have an Indian?- No!
0:34:45 > 0:34:47"Can we have an Indian!"
0:34:47 > 0:34:50From what we've learned,
0:34:50 > 0:34:53Erin was feeling like there was no future for her.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55You get angry with yourself
0:34:55 > 0:34:57and think, "How did I not know?"
0:34:57 > 0:34:59"How could I not see this?"
0:35:00 > 0:35:03But, she just hid it.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06You know, I think the effect it's had on the family, as a whole,
0:35:06 > 0:35:08has been huge.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Her younger sister. She's autistic.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13She doesn't cope particularly well with change.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15She's seen some things that have been awful.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20It happened in one. It wasn't like gradual to me.
0:35:20 > 0:35:21Like, one minute she was Erin
0:35:21 > 0:35:23and then she was this.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25She as....
0:35:25 > 0:35:26Someone else.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31She was pulling her hair out, screaming,
0:35:32 > 0:35:34like, saying, "She's behind me."
0:35:34 > 0:35:37"She's behind me. She's following me."
0:35:37 > 0:35:40And then she just started saying, "She sits on the end of my bed,"
0:35:40 > 0:35:43talking about this girl with black hair who follows her around,
0:35:43 > 0:35:47who makes herself self-harm
0:35:47 > 0:35:51and she said that she tried to
0:35:51 > 0:35:54end her life. She tried to hang herself
0:35:54 > 0:35:57and she was crying and I just didn't know what to do.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00And it was a horrible night.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03What's it been like without Erin here, then?
0:36:03 > 0:36:04I've been struggling a lot more.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08I went through a phase of not going to school for two months because I
0:36:08 > 0:36:11just couldn't get up in the mornings.
0:36:12 > 0:36:16I feel like bad for telling Mum and Dad when things are wrong,
0:36:16 > 0:36:18because they've already got a lot on.
0:36:18 > 0:36:22Erin needed more help and needed the support more than I did.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35# Happy birthday to you.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37# Happy birthday to you
0:36:37 > 0:36:40# Happy birthday dear Megan.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43# Happy birthday to you. #
0:36:43 > 0:36:45Blow 'em out.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48One, two, three, blow.
0:36:48 > 0:36:50Yay!
0:36:50 > 0:36:52Well done.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54What did Jade say?
0:36:54 > 0:36:56'To Megan, on our 18th,
0:36:56 > 0:36:58'thank you for always being yourself.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01'I'm sorry for not being able to spend this birthday with you.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03'Endless amount of love, Jade.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05'PS - try not to get too hammered.'
0:37:05 > 0:37:08And I did get too hammered!
0:37:08 > 0:37:12Megan, you said you were not going to get to the stage where you were off your trolley.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14I had Malibu and Coke last night.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16No, Malibu and lemonade.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19I had a double Malibu and lemonade, then a single Malibu,
0:37:19 > 0:37:22- then a double vodka, two double vodkas and Coke...- Megan. Megan.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24Then two double vodkas and a Monster.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26MUSIC FROM PHONE
0:37:27 > 0:37:29Was that you on the left-hand side?
0:37:29 > 0:37:30I don't know.
0:37:32 > 0:37:33I don't even remember that.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37Did you not think about forks?
0:37:37 > 0:37:40No, I just thought you could shove it in your mouth!
0:37:42 > 0:37:44I love icing.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49If you want to come, it would be really nice.
0:37:51 > 0:37:55Because this is Jade's very last weekend on the unit,
0:37:55 > 0:37:56because officially she's an adult.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58I'll probably stay here.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00Oh, Megs!
0:38:00 > 0:38:02- No, I will.- No.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05- But...- But, what.
0:38:05 > 0:38:06- I'm hanging.- ..a raging hangover.
0:38:06 > 0:38:10I know you're hanging but that's your own fault, isn't it?
0:38:13 > 0:38:17Me and Megan are so different and you wouldn't even think that we were sisters.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21She is my...
0:38:21 > 0:38:25I know it sounds cheesy, but like my main reason to recover.
0:38:25 > 0:38:29But I know that she doesn't like coming into the hospital.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32- Are you all right?- Yeah.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38Megan was going to come but she's a bit hanging and she said,
0:38:38 > 0:38:40thank you very much for her card.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43We're going to call her later when we get out.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45- That's fine.- Sure? - I knew she would be anyway.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49I wasn't expecting her to come.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52I can't imagine myself in her position.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56I know when my friend was in hospital,
0:38:56 > 0:38:58with me it was really difficult.
0:38:58 > 0:39:02I found it really hard every time I found out she'd had an incident,
0:39:02 > 0:39:06it really got to me and affected me and it properly put me down,
0:39:07 > 0:39:10and I just hope that that's not the same for Megan.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13I hope that that's not how she's feeling.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22Now Jade's 18,
0:39:22 > 0:39:26she's on a waiting list to be transferred to an adult hospital.
0:39:26 > 0:39:28Do you think you're going to be moving tomorrow?
0:39:28 > 0:39:30Maybe. Maybe not.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34I could be moving tomorrow, could be moving Tuesday or Wednesday.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38I don't know.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40I'm feeling OK about it.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43I don't know how OK I'm going to be about it tomorrow, but...
0:39:44 > 0:39:46I don't know.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53DOOR OPENS
0:39:53 > 0:39:57Reception's down there.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05It's six weeks since Erin's first trip out of hospital.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07Hello.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10Hi. I like your top. I have a black one.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14Everyone feels she's ready for the next step -
0:40:14 > 0:40:15a night back home.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19All right. Front or back? Can we do rock, paper, scissors?
0:40:19 > 0:40:21Rock, paper, scissors, shake.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24Get in the back.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27# She works the night, by the water...
0:40:27 > 0:40:29# She's gonna stress
0:40:29 > 0:40:30Stop it!
0:40:30 > 0:40:33# So far away from her father's daughter... #
0:40:33 > 0:40:34Erin's going for it. Look, Mum!
0:40:34 > 0:40:37# She just wants a life for her baby
0:40:37 > 0:40:40# All on her own, no-one will come
0:40:40 > 0:40:43# She's got to save him
0:40:43 > 0:40:45# She tells him, oh, love
0:40:45 > 0:40:47# No-one's ever gonna hurt you, love...
0:40:47 > 0:40:50Oh, you don't like it? Why are you singing it?
0:40:50 > 0:40:52- You can't stop yourself. - It's catchy.
0:40:54 > 0:40:58'I'm honestly like just so excited about being at home.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01'I've not been home in over a year.
0:41:02 > 0:41:06'Like, there's a massive part of me that's just so anxious about it.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11'I'm just worried I'm going to mess things up.'
0:41:20 > 0:41:22Don't make me look stupid.
0:41:28 > 0:41:33It just feels like things are starting to fall into place now and,
0:41:33 > 0:41:36yeah, I'm actually starting to believe that this is it this time,
0:41:36 > 0:41:38that she will come home.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42Look around.
0:41:42 > 0:41:46'In the first unit that Erin was in, we were building up to Erin being
0:41:46 > 0:41:50'discharged and she'd had a couple of overnight stays,
0:41:50 > 0:41:53'and she was staying overnight at her dad's
0:41:53 > 0:41:55'and I got a phone call in the middle of the night saying,
0:41:55 > 0:41:58"Can you come? Erin's taken an overdose."
0:41:58 > 0:42:02'She'd managed to find some tablets.'
0:42:02 > 0:42:04This is great.
0:42:04 > 0:42:07I think it will be a long time before I can actually either
0:42:07 > 0:42:10be out with her, or her out on her own
0:42:10 > 0:42:14without me worrying really what's going on.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17What's that like as her mum?
0:42:21 > 0:42:23Terrifying.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29Yeah, I'm terrified.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35But she'll do it...
0:42:36 > 0:42:39..because she's a fighter and she's strong.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44Reasons to recover.
0:42:44 > 0:42:46Babies.
0:42:46 > 0:42:51YouTube, shopping, have a home, fall in love,
0:42:51 > 0:42:54travel, Lush, first pet,
0:42:54 > 0:42:56first caravan holiday.
0:42:56 > 0:42:58My 18th.
0:42:59 > 0:43:01I think Grace made this for me.
0:43:01 > 0:43:02God, don't.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04What's it say?
0:43:04 > 0:43:06Through thick and thin.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08My teacher said think of something that,
0:43:08 > 0:43:10someone or something that inspires you.
0:43:10 > 0:43:12She gave it me on my birthday.
0:43:12 > 0:43:15Because I spent my birthday in hospital.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18Grace, what does it feel like to have Erin back?
0:43:18 > 0:43:22It's much better because actually waking up in the morning seeing her
0:43:22 > 0:43:25snore her head off is much better than waking up
0:43:25 > 0:43:27and seeing an empty bed.
0:43:27 > 0:43:30And it's my sister, so it's like having,
0:43:30 > 0:43:33like having my partner in crime back
0:43:33 > 0:43:37and we can do things we used to do when we were little.
0:43:40 > 0:43:42It Erin proves she can cope with more time at home,
0:43:42 > 0:43:46she'll be allowed to leave hospital for good.
0:43:56 > 0:43:59Hi, sweetheart. How're you doing?
0:43:59 > 0:44:01It's two weeks since the prom.
0:44:01 > 0:44:05Jess is seeing her parents at another get-together for patients.
0:44:05 > 0:44:08The hospital's annual educational achievement day.
0:44:08 > 0:44:09You don't have to go up.
0:44:09 > 0:44:11Nobody has to go up.
0:44:11 > 0:44:13People only go up if they want to.
0:44:13 > 0:44:15All right? Don't get stressed about it.
0:44:15 > 0:44:17Does that feel better? Yeah?
0:44:19 > 0:44:21DRUMMING
0:44:34 > 0:44:36DRUMMING GETS LOUDER
0:44:48 > 0:44:51- Are you all right there? - Yeah.
0:44:51 > 0:44:56I'm going to ask you to come up now and we're going to present some certificates.
0:45:05 > 0:45:07All right?
0:45:07 > 0:45:09Jess?
0:45:12 > 0:45:15Do you want to go outside?
0:45:43 > 0:45:45She's been struggling all the way through.
0:45:45 > 0:45:49I think it's crowds. She doesn't like being in lots and lots of crowds and noise.
0:45:49 > 0:45:53I think she tried her best to stay there, but she couldn't do it.
0:45:53 > 0:45:58She's come so far - but yet, seeing this, she hasn't.
0:45:58 > 0:46:00This is reality.
0:46:00 > 0:46:02- Yeah, it is.- And that is hard.
0:46:02 > 0:46:04She's got a long way to go.
0:47:01 > 0:47:04I thought I'd come and speak to you guys,
0:47:04 > 0:47:06just to reassure you that she's absolutely fine.
0:47:06 > 0:47:11And actually, what she's done today is a significant stepping stone for
0:47:11 > 0:47:14her in the future. She's made a choice this is too much.
0:47:14 > 0:47:19She's left, she's kept herself safe and that is all we want from her,
0:47:19 > 0:47:22to be able to manage her emotions.
0:47:22 > 0:47:25I think maybe if we
0:47:25 > 0:47:28don't focus any conversations on it.
0:47:28 > 0:47:32But if you're OK, I can go and get Jessica.
0:47:32 > 0:47:34Yeah. Right.
0:47:36 > 0:47:38You've done brilliantly, OK?
0:47:38 > 0:47:42Cool beans. I'll see you later.
0:47:42 > 0:47:45Hello. I've got a present for you.
0:47:45 > 0:47:47I've got a present for you.
0:47:47 > 0:47:49Come here.
0:47:49 > 0:47:52Fine.
0:47:52 > 0:47:56- Oh!- How's that neck?- You've still got a bad neck, have you?
0:47:56 > 0:47:58Yeah. It really hurts.
0:48:03 > 0:48:06When she's having a good day, you wouldn't know she was ill.
0:48:06 > 0:48:08On a good day. But when you see her now,
0:48:08 > 0:48:12you can see she is genuinely a very, very poorly child.
0:48:12 > 0:48:15And unless you can see crutches, or plasters or stitches,
0:48:15 > 0:48:18people don't think they are ill, and she really is poorly.
0:48:18 > 0:48:22It's frustrating because you know she does try her best, but,
0:48:22 > 0:48:25for whatever reason, what goes in her head is stronger than what...
0:48:25 > 0:48:27It's stronger than she is.
0:48:37 > 0:48:38'Mood has varied today.
0:48:40 > 0:48:43'I'm trying to cut down sugar from my diet, not only to lose some weight,
0:48:43 > 0:48:46'but also for less chance of destabilising my mood.
0:48:49 > 0:48:51'They are just waiting for a bed to become free.'
0:48:53 > 0:48:55It's two days since Jade turned 18.
0:48:57 > 0:48:59Jade's social worker, Tim,
0:48:59 > 0:49:02is still waiting to be told if a bed will become available in an adult
0:49:02 > 0:49:04unit, so she can moved.
0:49:07 > 0:49:10Hi, Jade. Just had a phone call with the bed manager.
0:49:10 > 0:49:12So we're still on hold.
0:49:12 > 0:49:15As soon as I know something, I'll let you know.
0:49:15 > 0:49:17OK?
0:49:17 > 0:49:20I'm literally having to put my life on hold at the minute.
0:49:20 > 0:49:21Can't make any plans.
0:49:21 > 0:49:26It's all down to beds, discharges, emergency admissions.
0:49:28 > 0:49:30How are you feeling?
0:49:31 > 0:49:33A bit frustrated.
0:49:33 > 0:49:36A bit worried. Still apprehensive.
0:49:36 > 0:49:38Just longing out the process.
0:49:40 > 0:49:42I'm glad I get to stay here a bit longer,
0:49:42 > 0:49:45but it's still a bit annoying that I don't know when I'm going,
0:49:45 > 0:49:47I don't know where I'm going.
0:49:50 > 0:49:54- So, going to just use an ordinary bowl, is that OK?- Yeah.
0:49:54 > 0:49:55Thank you.
0:49:55 > 0:49:58150.
0:50:00 > 0:50:02Put that into there.
0:50:04 > 0:50:09- Jade, I've just had a call from a unit...- Yeah.
0:50:09 > 0:50:11..and they have a bed available this afternoon.
0:50:11 > 0:50:15Transport is going to be available around about half two,
0:50:15 > 0:50:17OK? So, all a bit quick.
0:50:17 > 0:50:20- Half-past two?- Yeah.- OK.
0:50:20 > 0:50:22Thanks.
0:50:22 > 0:50:25There's a bed free at two o'clock.
0:50:25 > 0:50:30Well, there's a bed free now and transport's booked for two,
0:50:30 > 0:50:33so I think that's it.
0:50:33 > 0:50:35I don't know. That's all I really heard, to be honest.
0:50:37 > 0:50:40- Are you in a bit of shock?- Yeah.
0:50:42 > 0:50:44I guess it's kind of, like, I knew I was going,
0:50:44 > 0:50:46but I didn't know I was actually going until...
0:50:47 > 0:50:50I was actually going.
0:50:50 > 0:50:52How long have you got?
0:50:52 > 0:50:54An hour?
0:50:54 > 0:50:55I don't feel like I'm prepared...
0:50:58 > 0:50:59..for anything.
0:51:10 > 0:51:13This needs to go home to my mum, all of that needs to go home,
0:51:13 > 0:51:15so I need a bin bag, preferably.
0:51:21 > 0:51:23- Kiri.- Hello.
0:51:23 > 0:51:25Can you put that in the trolley whilst I get my stuff together?
0:51:25 > 0:51:27Thank you.
0:51:27 > 0:51:29Careful. Have you lost it?
0:51:30 > 0:51:33I don't know how it can get lost but it was here.
0:51:33 > 0:51:35Jesus Christ!
0:51:36 > 0:51:39Come on, then, ladies, let's go.
0:51:39 > 0:51:42Just the next step to where you need to be, yeah?
0:51:42 > 0:51:45Take care, Jade.
0:51:47 > 0:51:49Pretty much that.
0:52:00 > 0:52:03It's going to be very different because you've got to get used to
0:52:03 > 0:52:06different nurses,
0:52:06 > 0:52:08a different system.
0:52:08 > 0:52:11It's the fear of not knowing what's around the corner.
0:52:13 > 0:52:17I want her to just lead a normal life,
0:52:17 > 0:52:20go to college, go out with her friends,
0:52:20 > 0:52:22do what everyone else her age is doing.
0:52:22 > 0:52:26She should be happy,
0:52:26 > 0:52:28and where she will be independent,
0:52:28 > 0:52:30and whilst she's going to a hospital,
0:52:30 > 0:52:33and I find that very hard.
0:52:44 > 0:52:46It's a sad but happy day.
0:52:52 > 0:52:55I've relied on hospital for a year of my life.
0:52:57 > 0:52:59- Morning.- Are you excited?
0:52:59 > 0:53:02- Yeah.- What time are you actually going?- 12.
0:53:02 > 0:53:06People will probably be thinking, like, "Oh, you're going home,
0:53:06 > 0:53:08"it's not that big of a deal,"
0:53:08 > 0:53:12when, for me, it's like the biggest deal.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17It's several banners, you cut it up.
0:53:17 > 0:53:18You're an idiot.
0:53:19 > 0:53:22Oh, sorry. Grace, go and get me some scissors.
0:53:22 > 0:53:24- Please.- She's been waiting for this day
0:53:24 > 0:53:30and, now it's here, it's just a whole big ball of different emotions.
0:53:30 > 0:53:31I just couldn't sleep.
0:53:34 > 0:53:37I am going to be worried about Erin being on her own,
0:53:37 > 0:53:41having access to all the things she had access to before.
0:53:41 > 0:53:44She's still on her way to recovery.
0:53:44 > 0:53:48Leaving hospital is just part of that recovery.
0:53:48 > 0:53:49- Good luck, dude.- Thank you.
0:53:49 > 0:53:53- All the best, all right. - Cheers.- Good luck, Erin.
0:53:53 > 0:53:56You've been amazing. You should be really proud of yourself.
0:53:57 > 0:53:58Nearly there, Gracie.
0:54:00 > 0:54:02The fact that Erin's coming home, like,
0:54:02 > 0:54:06she's getting better, so it's making me feel better.
0:54:06 > 0:54:08I desperately hope it goes well
0:54:08 > 0:54:13because I can't cope another few months, it's already been a year.
0:54:13 > 0:54:15It will have a major effect, I know it will on Mum,
0:54:15 > 0:54:18I know it will on Dad, and it will definitely have a major effect on me.
0:54:53 > 0:54:57I'm sorry, I can't keep it in!
0:55:12 > 0:55:14Thank you.
0:55:24 > 0:55:27See you.
0:55:31 > 0:55:33Bye...
0:55:45 > 0:55:47My face looks really fat in this.
0:55:47 > 0:55:49- Yeah, so does mine, go for it. - No, it doesn't!
0:55:55 > 0:55:58Quick, before I lose my pout.
0:55:58 > 0:56:02Recovery isn't perfect and I didn't want to recover for a long time.
0:56:03 > 0:56:04But right now...
0:56:05 > 0:56:07You know, I'm OK.
0:56:07 > 0:56:11Will you always have a mental illness, Jade?
0:56:11 > 0:56:12I feel like I will.
0:56:12 > 0:56:14I hope that I won't,
0:56:14 > 0:56:18but I'm probably going to be having psychology for the rest of my life,
0:56:18 > 0:56:21and I'm OK with that.
0:56:21 > 0:56:26I'm going to have moments when I'm not well and I relapse, but...
0:56:26 > 0:56:29I've just got to pick myself up again, and that is my hope,
0:56:29 > 0:56:32that I do that, that I keep picking myself back up and just
0:56:32 > 0:56:34don't give up.
0:56:36 > 0:56:38I know, put your notebook inside your folder.
0:56:40 > 0:56:43- OK.- That way, you won't need the extra...
0:56:47 > 0:56:50Now I can be open and honest with my parents, I can tell them anything,
0:56:50 > 0:56:52if I'm struggling.
0:56:53 > 0:56:55I think if I hadn't gone into hospital...
0:56:57 > 0:56:59..there's a possible chance
0:56:59 > 0:57:01I may have taken my own life.
0:57:05 > 0:57:07Which is...
0:57:07 > 0:57:09..scary.
0:57:14 > 0:57:16And you don't feel like that any more?
0:57:16 > 0:57:20No, I feel completely different now.
0:57:35 > 0:57:37What's changed?
0:57:37 > 0:57:39I don't know.
0:57:39 > 0:57:41Just...turned round.
0:57:43 > 0:57:45I guess I'm just using the skills more,
0:57:45 > 0:57:48rather than going to self-harm.
0:57:48 > 0:57:50But you're still going to have these bad emotions,
0:57:50 > 0:57:52but you've kind of got to let them pass,
0:57:52 > 0:57:56they're not going to be there forever.
0:57:56 > 0:58:01People need to realise that there's a lot of people like Jessica around.
0:58:01 > 0:58:03Jessica's been quite extreme with her illness,
0:58:03 > 0:58:06but there are a lot of children there suffering and struggling.
0:58:06 > 0:58:09There seems a lot of pressure on particularly teenage girls these days,
0:58:09 > 0:58:11the way they should look and the way they should behave
0:58:11 > 0:58:12and the way they should be.
0:58:12 > 0:58:15I don't know whether it's down to pressures of life or social media.
0:58:15 > 0:58:19I think that's to the detriment of society, really, I think.