0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains scenes which some viewers may find upsetting
0:00:05 > 0:00:07and very strong language.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17We're going to meet a 21-year-old homeless girl
0:00:17 > 0:00:19using crack and heroin.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23I arranged to meet her yesterday, cos I've got no means of
0:00:23 > 0:00:27contacting her cos she's got no phone, she's got absolutely nothing.
0:00:27 > 0:00:31I've got two bags of clean clothes in the car.
0:00:31 > 0:00:36I just met her on the street - she asked me for £2, and I kind of said,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38"I'll give you £2
0:00:38 > 0:00:41"if you sit down for 20 minutes and have something to eat."
0:00:41 > 0:00:45I said, "There's a possibility that I could have you somewhere safe
0:00:45 > 0:00:49"where you could come off of all the drugs that you're using,
0:00:49 > 0:00:51"if you want that,"
0:00:51 > 0:00:54and she said she wanted to stop doing what she's doing
0:00:54 > 0:00:58but she can't see no light at the end of the tunnel.
0:01:00 > 0:01:06But I said I would meet her here at 6.30. It's 12 minutes past 6 now.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17I kind of know what it's like when people give up on you,
0:01:17 > 0:01:22when society gives up on you. I kind of know how that feels.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27And like I said earlier, when...
0:01:27 > 0:01:29INTERVIEWER: How does it feel?
0:01:29 > 0:01:33It feels like... It feels like you're the scum of the Earth.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38I already thought that I was a piece of shit, anyway, you know?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I never thought that I would ever get a day clean.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49I was kind of resigned to the fact that I'd die
0:01:49 > 0:01:53either from a bullet or a blade or in an institution.
0:01:53 > 0:01:58I kind of accepted that... really accepted that,
0:01:58 > 0:02:03and I never thought that I would ever stop using.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05I never thought that I would ever be employed.
0:02:08 > 0:02:13But there's a way out of this shit. There's a way out.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17You know, there's a way out. And I'm 11 years in to the way out.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24And God willing, I'll continue to go for another 11 years.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28But all I've got to get through is today, and I've got another
0:02:28 > 0:02:32five and a bit hours and I've got another day under my belt.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Don't look like she's going to come.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- Will you come back tomorrow? - Yeah, I'll come into town tomorrow.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48- And the day after?- Yeah.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- The day after that?- Yeah.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Big John first came to Somerset 11 years ago to beat his addictions.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17He's now a support worker
0:03:17 > 0:03:19at the only rehab that was prepared to treat him.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24There she is.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26HOOTS HORN
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- Where are you going?- Um, I'm just... - To score?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37No, I'm going to have a smoke quickly,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- and then if you can be there at one o'clock.- Are you going to come...
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- This is Phil.- Is he filming now? - Yeah.- Oh.- I think so.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- You going to come to Coco Browns? - Yeah, yeah.- At one o'clock?- Yeah.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52When was the last time you slept in a bed, apart from a punter's?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- Well, ages ago.- OK.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Long time.
0:04:16 > 0:04:21- You ever done anything like this before?- Um, like what?
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Go to rehab?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25No. No, I haven't. Um...
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I've never even really got engaged with any of the, like,
0:04:28 > 0:04:33addiction support agencies or anything, really.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37I was on a script for a bit, but I couldn't...
0:04:37 > 0:04:43I couldn't stick to the meetings or anything, you know? Um... Yeah.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Did you ever think of yourself injecting yourself with drugs?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- Cos when I was smoking heroin... - Yeah. No, I...
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- ..I said I would never inject heroin.- That's the same.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I always said... I hated needles, I had a phobia of needles,
0:04:55 > 0:05:00I hated them, do you know what I mean? I never, ever thought
0:05:00 > 0:05:03I'd inject...turn to injecting - and I did, didn't I?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06And it got to the point where I actually had a needle fetish,
0:05:06 > 0:05:10like, I liked stabbing myself, gave me some sort of satisfaction,
0:05:10 > 0:05:11do you know what I mean?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Yeah.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20And do you know what, as well - I've only been injecting a year,
0:05:20 > 0:05:24yeah, and I've already gone in my groin, and that, like,
0:05:24 > 0:05:28that's normally something that happens years and years down
0:05:28 > 0:05:33the line, but my veins, I've smashed them so much already, like,
0:05:33 > 0:05:36they give up already, do you know what I mean?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39SIREN
0:05:41 > 0:05:45- What did you want to be when you was growing up?- Um...
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Do you know what, I never really knew.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I was always a bit confused,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54but I can remember when I was in little school, yeah,
0:05:54 > 0:05:59I think probably about year 5 - no, probably year 6, I think, juniors -
0:05:59 > 0:06:02and I remember the headmaster was coming to the classroom
0:06:02 > 0:06:05and he was asking us all what we all wanted to be,
0:06:05 > 0:06:11and I said I wanted to be a glamour model, and I was only, like,
0:06:11 > 0:06:15ten or whatever, and that's what I said, do you know what I mean?
0:06:15 > 0:06:20And I used to say things like I wanted to be a footballer's wife
0:06:20 > 0:06:24or I wanted to marry an old man and have all his money when he died.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29- I used to say things like that. That's what I wanted to be.- Yeah.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- But I never wanted to be a heroin addict.- Ah.
0:06:32 > 0:06:37- That was last on the list, wasn't it?- Yeah, definitely.- Same here.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- But you know what...? - Or a prostitute.- Yeah.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Never wanted to be that.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45But you know what? If you get this opportunity and you take it
0:06:45 > 0:06:48and you do well, you can be anything you want to be.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52- Yeah.- You know?- Yeah.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29DOOR CREAKS
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Broadway Lodge is a privately-run residential rehab for addiction.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38It's staffed by specialist nurses and counsellors,
0:07:38 > 0:07:40some of whom are former patients.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46For the last 15 years, I've been waiting for this day.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52There are 43 beds here and strict rules apply.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55No drugs, no alcohol, no inappropriate relationships.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I haven't got my glasses on so I can't actually see if this
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- has got alcohol in it or not. Can you have a look?- Let's have a look.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- I can't see. - Does it usually say "alcohol-free?"
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Yeah, it should say "alcohol-free" on the front or it should say
0:08:06 > 0:08:07"contains alcohol" on the back.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11- Oh, it's alcohol-free. You can keep that one.- Brilliant.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16It has 24-hour detox facilities
0:08:16 > 0:08:20where some spend weeks coming off their drugs.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Clients must work through a 12-step programme,
0:08:23 > 0:08:25which requires them to admit they are powerless over their
0:08:25 > 0:08:29addictions and openly discuss the consequences of them.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Everyone goes through a process of intensive therapy
0:08:36 > 0:08:37and written self-examination.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43Daddy's a bit better, yeah, but he's still getting his teeth fixed.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46But I'll see you Sunday.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Yeah. You'll have your daddy back soon.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Yeah, a proper one what you deserve.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59APPLAUSE
0:08:59 > 0:09:02A client's funding is determined by where they live,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05not the severity of their issues.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Some get up to 12 weeks' funding, others as little as 7 days.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19After her assessment, Bea was deemed not yet ready for treatment.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21I never saw her again.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30- Are you going to be OK?- Yeah. - Are you sure?- Yeah.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- See you later.- Bye.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41- Want me to take it?- OK.- OK.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45- Thanks.- OK.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52The start. Everything starts somewhere, don't it?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- It sure does.- Yeah.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21You will.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37- See you soon, OK?- I'll give you a bell, anyway, all right, Dad?- Yeah.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41- Can I finish my coffee and then go? Is that all right?- Course you can!
0:10:41 > 0:10:42I'll ring a cab from here
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- and then I can go.- Absolutely.- Is that all right? Thank you very much.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Have you been through treatment before?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I didn't stop taking drugs until I was 58.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I'm...69 now.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Yeah.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I took drugs from 14 onwards.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Um...
0:11:06 > 0:11:09And it took me where it took me.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Craig's my son.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16He lived through that.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20I... I don't do it any more.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Ten years clean now, and I ain't doing that on my own.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29I did mine through a...through a 12-step programme.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33I work a 12-step programme.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38His mother's in the fellowship, I'm in the fellowship,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41his brother's in the fellowship
0:11:41 > 0:11:47and now Craig is going to start the journey of recovering.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Behind each step, there is a spiritual principle,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56and a spiritual principle is a fundamental truth,
0:11:56 > 0:12:00an origin from which positive change can occur.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Once you start working these steps,
0:12:02 > 0:12:06and these steps become psychologically embedded in you,
0:12:06 > 0:12:09learning to be honest from people who have become dishonest
0:12:09 > 0:12:12through denial - you deny your addiction,
0:12:12 > 0:12:15you deny how bad it is - things start to get better.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19You're not in recovery at the moment - you're in treatment.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21You do what we say when we say it.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25You go to meetings when we tell you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30Recovery starts when you leave here and you go through the gate
0:12:30 > 0:12:32and you make the decisions all yourself.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Right, you be a good boy for your mum, please, um, and just,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40like I say, if you're thinking of me and you get upset just read that
0:12:40 > 0:12:42letter and just know that it's not
0:12:42 > 0:12:44going to be as long as you think, all right?
0:12:45 > 0:12:49I'm going to go now cos my pennies have gone. I love you!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Bye!
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Yes!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- Yes!- What?- I'm so happy.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Just spoke to my little boy and I'm dead happy to hear his voice,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07just...so much lifted off my shoulders by speaking to him.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11I'm just over the moon. I can't explain how happy I am.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14I am so, so happy how. It's just made my night.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18I've got my little things here, which is my little boy and me,
0:13:18 > 0:13:23I've got my picture over there that I kiss every night. He's my world.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Without him, I don't think I'd be in here.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31Um...and I came in here for myself so we can have
0:13:31 > 0:13:34a better life together, and it's working so far,
0:13:34 > 0:13:39it really is working doing the therapies and the counselling,
0:13:39 > 0:13:43and, um, I'm freeing myself of my demons, so to speak.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53The members of this group all share the same problems -
0:13:53 > 0:13:55alcohol and chemical dependency,
0:13:55 > 0:13:59eating disorders and other compulsive behaviours.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02By confirming to others our problems and feelings,
0:14:02 > 0:14:03we find we are not alone.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Through self-disclosure and open discussion our various
0:14:06 > 0:14:09defence mechanisms are recognised and resolved and we find
0:14:09 > 0:14:11a logical approach to our problems.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13These are our group therapy sessions.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Every person should participate as they're an important part
0:14:16 > 0:14:19of the treatment programme. A common concern of the group
0:14:19 > 0:14:22is that each of us help the other become a well person.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24My name's Nessa. I'm an addict.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26My name's Craig and I'm an addict.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Drugs have took me to insanity.
0:14:31 > 0:14:37Drugs were my best friend, but they didn't act like a best friend.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41They sure didn't. I don't know what I saw in them.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45They saw something in me and wanted to keep coming back
0:14:45 > 0:14:47and I just bowed down to them.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54Thanks, Mum, that's nice to hear. Yeah, it's nice to hear. Um...
0:14:54 > 0:14:58And it's lovely to speak to you. Is Dad there? Am I on loudspeaker?
0:14:58 > 0:15:02'Each day, I'm getting a bit of me back that I've lost.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04'Mum and Dad can hear it in my voice.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06'I can see it physically in me.'
0:15:06 > 0:15:10I think there's an underlying problem
0:15:10 > 0:15:12that I'm still to uncover,
0:15:12 > 0:15:18whether it's childhood, whether it's depression...
0:15:18 > 0:15:23It's childhood, it's foster care, six years away from parents.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Broken family.
0:15:24 > 0:15:29I was took into care at the age of nine
0:15:29 > 0:15:32for six, seven years with my little sister.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36My foster mum and dad, they taught me manners,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38they taught me a lot.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39They were all there for me,
0:15:39 > 0:15:41they gave me everything I needed
0:15:41 > 0:15:45when I came in that desperate place of no family.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49INTERVIEWER: Is it easy to accept your mum and dad
0:15:49 > 0:15:51back into your life?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Hm... Um... Yeah, it was...
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I'd like to say it was, yeah.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I don't have no resentment.
0:15:57 > 0:16:04All I wanted was what I never had, um...which was my family.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35INTERVIEWER: What do you want to do when you get out of here?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47HE LAUGHS
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I feel like there's a life I'm meant to live,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59and it's not a complicated life.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02So, simple things.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Be a brother.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Maybe one day be a dad.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Help people.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15See the fields and listen to the wind.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Write poetry.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Listen to music, play music.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Dance shamelessly, which is not something I am currently capable of!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Um...
0:17:29 > 0:17:31And just enjoy being alive.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Simple things, really, that I've not been able to do just yet.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43INTERVIEWER: That's the photo from your passport?
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Yeah, the emergency passport I needed to get out of Indonesia.
0:17:47 > 0:17:54I actually begged for 4 from a guy in the Embassy hall
0:17:54 > 0:17:56so I could go to get the photo taken.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02The passport was paid for by a really good friend of mine's mum,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04who I called in the middle of the night, crying,
0:18:04 > 0:18:06trying to get home,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09and then I got told by the Embassy lady that I would need...
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I think it was 4 or 5, the equivalent of, Australian money.
0:18:12 > 0:18:17And I had no money, and so I kind of begged this Scottish guy.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I was so desperate.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23I just said, "Please, I just need 5."
0:18:24 > 0:18:27And it was just a horrible feeling, having to ask.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31And he gave... I think he gave me about 20,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33which gave me the petrol to put back in the bike
0:18:33 > 0:18:35to get back to where I was...
0:18:35 > 0:18:37To the AA meetings.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40But, yeah, that was the photo that was taken.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45That was the week before I got into Broadway.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49And I thought I was well.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52HE PLAYS PIANO
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Before coming in here, I've never trusted anybody.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13And now, I trust my counsellor.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15INTERVIEWER: You've gone through your whole life
0:19:15 > 0:19:16without trusting anyone?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18No, I don't know how to trust.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Trust is...
0:19:23 > 0:19:24..dangerous.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Trust is what will lead me to get hurt.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Trust is what will...
0:19:30 > 0:19:33You trust me, and the evidence would suggest
0:19:33 > 0:19:36that you're going to get hurt.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39That's what the evidence would say. That's what my mind tells me.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40So, it's a risk.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I have to force myself to trust all the time.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49You know, even right now, trusting you is...
0:19:49 > 0:19:50You don't know me, I don't know you,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53and my mind is going, "You don't know this guy.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54"Why would you bare your soul to this guy?
0:19:54 > 0:19:58"What good is it doing?" But for me, it's an important practice now,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00for me to trust all the time.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Just trust, trust, trust, trust, trust,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06and trust that I won't get hurt or abandoned,
0:20:06 > 0:20:09like I was when I was a kid,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11or trust I won't hurt you, like I've hurt my wife...
0:20:13 > 0:20:17..or I've hurt my brother or my sisters or my friends,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20and trust that, actually, it's going to be OK.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Some people, when you ask them what their primary drug is,
0:20:32 > 0:20:34or what their drug of choice is,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36they'll say, "Oh, it's crack, it's heroin."
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Mine was "more", and a lot of people will say that - "more".
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Of anything, anything.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47That meant pills, puff, crack, heroin...
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I remember I was...I was...
0:20:52 > 0:20:53I was 38 years of age
0:20:53 > 0:20:56and I was sitting in a crack house in Hackney,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59waiting for the dealer to reload,
0:20:59 > 0:21:03and there was a tin of gas on the table in this crack house,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05and I started sniffing the gas, man.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08And the people around me, they couldn't believe it.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Anything to change the way that I felt.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Yeah, I have damaged the receptors in my brain.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18I've had 12 sessions of electric shock treatment.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21I've done offending behaviour courses.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24I've done anger management courses.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26And none of it worked.
0:21:26 > 0:21:32And then I went to Broadway, 5th December 2005.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34And, um...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I knew that I had to change.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41And, for me, you know,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44it's about the relationships that I have with my family.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47My sisters didn't talk to me for many years
0:21:47 > 0:21:49and now I've got a relationship with my sisters.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56A relationship that I've got with my father, with my mother,
0:21:56 > 0:21:59my daughter.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Now I've got a granddaughter, now, you know?
0:22:03 > 0:22:07And when she was three hours up - three hours old - when she was born,
0:22:07 > 0:22:11she was three hours old and I held her in my arms
0:22:11 > 0:22:12and she was tiny.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14She only took up a little bit of my arm.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17And I kind of looked at her and I made a vow
0:22:17 > 0:22:20that she'd never see me out of my nut.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21She'd never see me out of my nut
0:22:21 > 0:22:24and she will never visit me in an institution,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27as long as I keep doing what I'm doing.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29And I couldn't do that for my daughter.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32My daughter was dragged to every prison in this country
0:22:32 > 0:22:34and secure units and...
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Yeah. But, yeah, with my granddaughter,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40it's going to be a different ball game.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Totally different.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49They'll give you some medication. They'll look after you.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52They'll make you feel better
0:22:52 > 0:22:54and they'll continue that throughout the night.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55They'll come in your room and wake you up
0:22:55 > 0:22:57and make sure that you've got meds.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59They'll look after you.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Like I said earlier, you're in a safe place.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04You're all right.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Blow into that, and then it'll...beep and make a clunk.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- HE EXHALES, BEEPING - That's it. Fantastic.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Just to see how much of it is left in your system, OK?
0:23:23 > 0:23:27I should loosen up a bit. If you're feeling a bit sick...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Take your coat...
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Can I shut that window?
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Blimey.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- You don't want the window open?- No. - Let a bit of air in?- No.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- I'm too cold.- Cold, are you?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- Yeah.- OK.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48- WHISPERS:- Oh, dear.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51What have I done to myself?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I've been incredibly selfish
0:24:01 > 0:24:05and I've manipulated a lot of people to serve my needs,
0:24:05 > 0:24:08to drink alcohol, uninterrupted.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I thought if I stopped drinking alcohol,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14everything would be fantastic,
0:24:14 > 0:24:15but it wasn't - it was actually worse,
0:24:15 > 0:24:17cos I became more aware of...
0:24:18 > 0:24:23..of what happens when I don't face that pain that I have inside.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28So, regardless of whether I drink again or not,
0:24:28 > 0:24:33it's...it's about me facing that side of myself
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I don't want to face.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37And I can't do it alone, you know?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39I used to want to face that stuff alone.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41But I need other people, I need counsellors,
0:24:41 > 0:24:43friends, relationships.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Cos God forbid I...
0:24:50 > 0:24:52God forbid I meet someone as beautiful and...
0:24:55 > 0:24:58..and amazing as my wife,
0:24:58 > 0:25:00soon-to-be ex-wife,
0:25:00 > 0:25:01and I do that again.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I can't do that again.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:35 > 0:25:38I don't know how long I'm going to be sober for.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41That's the nature of my disease.
0:25:43 > 0:25:48It means I have to be incredibly grateful for today.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I don't even know if I'm going to be sober till the end of the day.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Something could... A phone call that I'm not expecting.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58It really does force you to live presently, this illness.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Come on, you've got him on the ropes!
0:26:27 > 0:26:28In!
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- Amazing volley, Craig. - The champ. The reigning champion!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35SHE LAUGHS
0:26:35 > 0:26:38The reason why I asked you to do this assignment work
0:26:38 > 0:26:39specifically around your son
0:26:39 > 0:26:42and around the consequences of your using,
0:26:42 > 0:26:45it's part of the 12-step programme to look at
0:26:45 > 0:26:47the consequences, to really own and say,
0:26:47 > 0:26:49"This is what happens when I use."
0:26:56 > 0:26:59"You're only young, and I know you won't understand,
0:26:59 > 0:27:03"but I feel I should be honest with you before I can move forward.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09"You see Daddy looking around his flat...
0:27:10 > 0:27:13"..for things that I think have been moved.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17"You hear Daddy saying, 'I think someone has my keys.'
0:27:17 > 0:27:20"When really, it's just Dad being silly and stupid,
0:27:20 > 0:27:24"because I live for taking drugs.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28"I've been so paranoid and strange, it hurts me to say.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34"Also, nipping in and out all the time to cars,
0:27:34 > 0:27:36"whether selling or buying drugs,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39"asking you to wait at the door,
0:27:39 > 0:27:41"when really, you just want to come with me.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45"Mobile phone's always in my hand,
0:27:45 > 0:27:50"because I want to score, or because I've got a customer.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54"And my big fags - they're drugs, Tee-Jay.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00"It kills me to say it, but I'm a loser because of this.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03"I don't want you to be like me
0:28:03 > 0:28:06"nor have any of my addiction traits
0:28:06 > 0:28:08"to affect your life.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11"And I'm sorry for always being on my phone
0:28:11 > 0:28:15"when we should have been spending quality time together.
0:28:15 > 0:28:22"But I'm going to change my ways, and do what Grandad does, which...
0:28:22 > 0:28:25"In meetings, he's been the dad I've never been.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28"So, so upset, my little man.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30"I love you so, so much. Love, Daddy."
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Very powerful and very honest.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36It is, and I'm sorry.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02BACKGROUND CONVERSATION
0:29:09 > 0:29:15I have to write about step one on manageability and consequences.
0:29:17 > 0:29:18Just thinking about...
0:29:18 > 0:29:20I'm writing about when...
0:29:22 > 0:29:25..uh, I used to be a working girl.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28I went onto a street one night, um...
0:29:31 > 0:29:36Got some money, ended up going back to my boyfriend's house, uh...
0:29:36 > 0:29:40At the time, his mum used to use with him.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42We were all sat there using,
0:29:42 > 0:29:44I remember looking, thinking, "Do you know what?
0:29:44 > 0:29:47"I'd never use in front of my son, ever."
0:29:47 > 0:29:49Not in front of him. I've done it behind...
0:29:49 > 0:29:51You know, like, with the door shut, and things like that,
0:29:51 > 0:29:54but I've never done it in front of him.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Um...
0:29:56 > 0:29:59And, yeah, basically, he just...
0:29:59 > 0:30:01Before I came in treatment, he kept coming round,
0:30:01 > 0:30:04and kept coming round, and he just wouldn't go.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Erm...
0:30:06 > 0:30:10And I ended up just smoking crack in front of him.
0:30:10 > 0:30:11And...
0:30:12 > 0:30:15Ended up in a big argument... He called me a crackhead.
0:30:18 > 0:30:19Not a good place, really.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24SHE SIGHS
0:30:46 > 0:30:47Finding it tough in here?
0:30:48 > 0:30:50Very.
0:30:50 > 0:30:51Yeah, very tough.
0:30:52 > 0:30:53Very emotional.
0:30:56 > 0:30:59Just all different feelings all over my head.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03My head is in a whirl.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06I'm really struggling.
0:31:06 > 0:31:07I wanted to leave earlier.
0:31:09 > 0:31:10Bad.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20But I know I've got to stay here, and I know I've got to do this.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24Because if I don't, there's no other option, I'll just cruise.
0:31:29 > 0:31:30I have just got to keep doing this stuff.
0:31:30 > 0:31:32Sometimes I think, "What's the point?
0:31:32 > 0:31:34"Why are you making me do this?
0:31:34 > 0:31:36"Why are you making me write all this stuff?"
0:31:40 > 0:31:45But when you write it, you get to that shit place.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50It kind of lifts after you've done it. You write it, and you feel shit,
0:31:50 > 0:31:53and you sit with it for a little bit, and then...
0:31:53 > 0:31:56it just lifts. It just... I don't know.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58It's like you have just got it out and...
0:32:00 > 0:32:02..and forgiven yourself a little bit for it.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06And then it comes back.
0:32:06 > 0:32:12It's not going to go in one day, is it? Or two weeks, but I'm kind of...
0:32:13 > 0:32:15Kind of coping with it, I think.
0:32:17 > 0:32:18Well, I've not gone anywhere.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28One of the first things you learn about rehab
0:32:28 > 0:32:31is how brief your encounters can be.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33People leave daily.
0:32:33 > 0:32:37There could be problems at home, the stress of living with other addicts,
0:32:37 > 0:32:38or simply the pain of withdrawing.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Timmy's detox was complicated.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47As well as his opiate addictions, he was hooked on Spice,
0:32:47 > 0:32:50and had come here straight from prison.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52He was permanently on the edge of leaving.
0:33:16 > 0:33:20I've been through a really rough time.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23And I've tormented myself.
0:33:23 > 0:33:24Last year, some...
0:33:26 > 0:33:32They spread horrible rumours, and it was just horrible. Horrible.
0:33:32 > 0:33:34Sounds like a difficult time.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40I'm scared of failing, as well.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Because last time, when it got too much for me,
0:33:43 > 0:33:45I walked out of rehab after a week.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49So, what can you do this time?
0:33:49 > 0:33:51Well, I've opened up.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54- That's good. - I think I've exposed myself.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56- I feel vulnerable. - OK. And that's OK, Tim.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03In the group, in the group, express that.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05Tell people where you are, how you're feeling, and
0:34:05 > 0:34:09you will be surprised at how many people will feel something similar.
0:34:09 > 0:34:13Well, when people are all right with me, I felt all right this morning.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16I don't know if it's my mental health - one minute,
0:34:16 > 0:34:19I'm all right, and then I get down, I don't know where I am.
0:34:19 > 0:34:23It's all fucking... It's all over the place.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25- Do you see what I'm saying? - Ground yourself today.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28Ground yourself today, don't make any rash decisions.
0:34:28 > 0:34:29Just ground yourself.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32Come and speak to the counsellors, come and speak to your peers.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34Yeah?
0:34:36 > 0:34:38- Yeah, sorry. - You haven't got to apologise.
0:34:41 > 0:34:45MUSIC PLAYS
0:34:48 > 0:34:50'You are kicking Friday Night Kiss with me, Steve Smart,
0:34:50 > 0:34:52'live across the UK.
0:34:52 > 0:34:56'Big shout to Cassie in Essex on board tonight, loving the tunes...
0:34:56 > 0:34:59'You know the person, we know the perfume.
0:34:59 > 0:35:03'Time for Sounds Fantastic, so what's THIS sound?'
0:35:13 > 0:35:15"Dear Heroin, Crack and Spice,
0:35:15 > 0:35:19"just a letter to say I miss you very much.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21"At the moment, my physical and mental health is suffering
0:35:21 > 0:35:24"because I'm getting clean.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27"I know it is going to be a long and difficult process,
0:35:27 > 0:35:30"but I can't take much more of the life we have had together.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33"For years, you have been a crutch to me, but you have caused me
0:35:33 > 0:35:37"so much pain, anguish and suffering to me and my family
0:35:37 > 0:35:41"that enough is enough. The chaos within my head is confusing,
0:35:41 > 0:35:45"but I know that this goodbye is going to be painful and upsetting
0:35:45 > 0:35:48"to you, but you can go and fuck your grandmother.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50"They say love and hate is similar.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52"I hate you for killing my mum and dad.
0:35:52 > 0:35:56"I hate you for shaming myself and my family. For years, you have
0:35:56 > 0:36:00"controlled my thinking and emotions, and I hardly knew myself.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03"Now I'm fed up with the cycle of misery I have been caught up in
0:36:03 > 0:36:06"that I am going to say my last goodbye. I think you are a cunt
0:36:06 > 0:36:10"for the destruction you have caused to myself and my family.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13"You will always be part of me, but I seek a new me,
0:36:13 > 0:36:17"a new life where I can live happily without you.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19"So goodbye to the old nasty ways that I lived,
0:36:19 > 0:36:22"and I look on to a new start without the fuckery you have done."
0:36:29 > 0:36:32- INTERVIEWER: Do they itch? - Yeah.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36Yeah, they itch, and they're sore, and they throb.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49I have had these pains in my legs since this morning.
0:36:50 > 0:36:54I went to the doctor's first thing this morning,
0:36:54 > 0:36:57and the doctor had a poke around with a pin to see
0:36:57 > 0:37:02if I could feel any feeling around the back and round the front.
0:37:03 > 0:37:07And there is nothing, I can't feel anything, which is still a worry.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10This one has got more feeling in it than that one,
0:37:10 > 0:37:13but this one has had more of a battering
0:37:13 > 0:37:16from, you know, digging pins in and whatnot.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18- INTERVIEWER: Pins? - Syringes.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22Just years of...
0:37:22 > 0:37:25of abuse in these legs. It's just...
0:37:27 > 0:37:30So, years ago, years ago, when there was a drought and that,
0:37:30 > 0:37:35there was a lot of cement in the heroin, and...
0:37:37 > 0:37:40The madness of it is, you know, although you know that
0:37:40 > 0:37:41there is something in the heroin...
0:37:43 > 0:37:46..you are still going to poke it in you, because that is what...
0:37:46 > 0:37:48That's the addiction.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50That's the madness of it.
0:37:56 > 0:38:01I was thinking that, if I lost this leg, I would get a prosthetic leg,
0:38:01 > 0:38:02and I would just use this leg, you know?
0:38:04 > 0:38:08That's how mad my thinking... That's how mad...
0:38:08 > 0:38:09Madness took me.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27I came here two weeks ago on 80 milligrammes of methadone.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30It's a very rapid detox.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32I still get that niggly thought in my head now that,
0:38:32 > 0:38:35"I just want to go. I just want to go."
0:38:35 > 0:38:38But I've got to fight this, you know?
0:38:38 > 0:38:41I can be strong. You've got to be strong up here.
0:38:41 > 0:38:45I have just got to tell myself, "Nope, if I end up going back home,
0:38:45 > 0:38:48"I'm just going to end up back on the streets of Winchester,
0:38:48 > 0:38:51"and doing the same old, same old, and end up back in prison.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54"If not, I'll probably end up six foot under."
0:38:54 > 0:38:57And I don't want that, I want a life for myself.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59I want a life for my brothers and sisters.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03'I come from a gypsy family.
0:39:03 > 0:39:04'They don't like drugs or crime.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07'I have blackened up my name in the Winchester area,
0:39:07 > 0:39:10'and I've embarrassed them.'
0:39:11 > 0:39:14We were smoking it at first.
0:39:14 > 0:39:16My mum and dad would always smoke it on the foil.
0:39:17 > 0:39:21And when me and my brother were 16, that's when we started injecting,
0:39:21 > 0:39:25and the household was chaotic.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28We would fight with my dad all the time.
0:39:28 > 0:39:30He'd get jealous.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33There would be fights, and my mum kicked us out.
0:39:33 > 0:39:38We were out on the streets, and then we were just in the cycle of prison.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41But me mum would always come and see us.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44She used to always bring us some gear in.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46So she was good stuff like that - she did look after us.
0:39:46 > 0:39:51She kept the family together. My mum was the rock of the family.
0:39:51 > 0:39:56And I remember one time that me and my brother set about my dad.
0:39:56 > 0:40:00It was over gear, over money, and we were back at the house.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02And we set about my dad, and my mum was in her dressing gown
0:40:02 > 0:40:04in the kitchen.
0:40:04 > 0:40:08It was early in the morning still, and she had just boiled the kettle.
0:40:08 > 0:40:12And she came running in from the kitchen with the kettle in her hand,
0:40:12 > 0:40:17and she went to launch it into my face, the hot water into my face.
0:40:17 > 0:40:22But instead of it going over me, it went over her head,
0:40:22 > 0:40:26and she just stood there, "Aah!" Like that.
0:40:26 > 0:40:30And you know what? I thought, "Yeah, you deserve that, you bitch."
0:40:30 > 0:40:33Because she was going to put that in my face, literally, you know?
0:40:33 > 0:40:37There was times she chased us out with knives and everything.
0:40:37 > 0:40:41I remember she stabbed my dad in the head and back on her hen night.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44And she trod over him to go out on her hen night.
0:40:45 > 0:40:49She was only five foot nothing, but she was a feisty little fucker.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52I was best mates with my mum, though, you know?
0:40:52 > 0:40:57But it was a stressful time, and when the whole house has got that
0:40:57 > 0:41:02drug in it, and, you know, you go plucking, and you can't get hold of
0:41:02 > 0:41:05any gear, you get jealousy -
0:41:05 > 0:41:08my dad used to get jealous because we used to have it,
0:41:08 > 0:41:11my mum used to give it to us, and he wanted more.
0:41:11 > 0:41:15All that was going on, so it was just chaotic.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18And I wondered why I would go fucking dim at times.
0:41:19 > 0:41:23Yesterday, I packed my bags, I was ready to go back home to Winchester.
0:41:23 > 0:41:27It was all I wanted to do, was just get a bag of gear, get some Spice,
0:41:27 > 0:41:28and just use.
0:41:29 > 0:41:34The medical team here persuaded me to stay for another 24 hours,
0:41:34 > 0:41:37but I'm nearly there. I'm nearly there.
0:41:37 > 0:41:38Only a couple more days and I'll be clean.
0:41:38 > 0:41:42Two more days and I will be clean. That is what I've got to hold on to,
0:41:42 > 0:41:45and that'll be the first time I've been clean since 2006.
0:41:46 > 0:41:47So that's 10 years.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19This is Craig's group.
0:42:19 > 0:42:23Having written his life story, and reading it out to you,
0:42:23 > 0:42:27it is now an opportunity for you guys to give him feedback on
0:42:27 > 0:42:31what you see as his strengths, what you see as his blocks,
0:42:31 > 0:42:35and how they could affect his recovery. So it is really important
0:42:35 > 0:42:39- that you listen to any feedback and process it.- Of course.
0:42:39 > 0:42:46Self-pity, not sharing, irresponsibility, and defensiveness.
0:42:47 > 0:42:51Craig always mentions he was brought up on a council estate,
0:42:51 > 0:42:54and his parents were addicts several years ago,
0:42:54 > 0:42:57as if that's what's tipped the scales for him being an addict.
0:42:58 > 0:43:02Not sharing, don't think Craig shares his true feelings
0:43:02 > 0:43:06and emotions, but always shares a story in groups and meetings.
0:43:07 > 0:43:09You are pretty much a guy who started between the...
0:43:09 > 0:43:12- Yeah, 10 and 14, yeah. - OK, erm...
0:43:14 > 0:43:17Sometimes it can come across that you have had a clean time.
0:43:18 > 0:43:21And then it can be quite challenging.
0:43:21 > 0:43:22You know what I mean?
0:43:22 > 0:43:25If that makes sense. That is not in a critical way.
0:43:25 > 0:43:29- No, no, I hear you.- That is what you have learned from them.
0:43:29 > 0:43:31- But you have not lived it. - Of course.
0:43:31 > 0:43:34You know what I mean? And sometimes...
0:43:34 > 0:43:37I'm taking a risk here by saying it, because I don't want...
0:43:37 > 0:43:39It's fine, don't worry, Steve.
0:43:39 > 0:43:43Can I just interrupt for a second? Because that bit where you over-talk
0:43:43 > 0:43:46and don't give people time to finish just happened.
0:43:46 > 0:43:48So if you just...
0:43:48 > 0:43:50Let Steve finish, I think the feedback will settle more.
0:43:50 > 0:43:52OK.
0:43:54 > 0:43:56That's just me being straight with you, you know what I mean?
0:43:56 > 0:44:00And I think I spoke to you before about it, and it sort of...
0:44:02 > 0:44:05Yeah, it's walking the walk... It's talking the talk,
0:44:05 > 0:44:07but not walking the walk, you know what I mean?
0:44:16 > 0:44:19Having my worst day since I've been in here.
0:44:20 > 0:44:22Two questionnaires back from my mum and from my dad,
0:44:22 > 0:44:25and my mum's is probably worse.
0:44:28 > 0:44:30"I feel history repeating itself.
0:44:30 > 0:44:33"I was told I could stop the cycle of addiction,
0:44:33 > 0:44:37"and now watch my boy make the same mistakes as myself.
0:44:37 > 0:44:40"Self-sabotage is a familiar route for Craig.
0:44:40 > 0:44:43"I have lost my boy, and my boy is lost.
0:44:44 > 0:44:46"Craig is a lovely-natured lad,
0:44:46 > 0:44:51"who used to wear his heart on his sleeve. Have you seen my boy?
0:44:51 > 0:44:54"I once remember trawling the streets of St Ann's for him
0:44:54 > 0:44:57"after receiving a phone, saying,
0:44:57 > 0:45:00" 'Can you come and get me, Mum, please? People are after me.'
0:45:01 > 0:45:05"In a whisper, I searched everywhere - sheds, garages,
0:45:05 > 0:45:09"empty buildings, expecting to find him dead.
0:45:09 > 0:45:11"No mother should have to go through that.
0:45:11 > 0:45:14"My head was full of thoughts - coffins,
0:45:14 > 0:45:19"undertakers, funerals - and feelings were inconceivable."
0:45:19 > 0:45:22It all hits home, all of it.
0:45:30 > 0:45:33For me, now, to see my boy go down this road,
0:45:33 > 0:45:37the same road I've gone down, knowing what's round the corner,
0:45:37 > 0:45:39cos I've been round the corner...
0:45:39 > 0:45:41Knowing, cos I've walked in his shoes,
0:45:41 > 0:45:43and I've cried on them little beds
0:45:43 > 0:45:46and beat my head against the wall and cursed the world.
0:45:47 > 0:45:49And I can't do anything about it.
0:45:50 > 0:45:52Even with all the knowledge that we've got,
0:45:52 > 0:45:55all the insights we've got, all the awarenesses we've got from
0:45:55 > 0:45:58our own treatment programme,
0:45:58 > 0:46:02- you just can't bottle it and give it to them.- No.
0:46:02 > 0:46:04But he's in the best place now, isn't he?
0:46:04 > 0:46:10And he's taking his own steps. And feeling his own way through this...
0:46:10 > 0:46:12He's doing it for the right reasons,
0:46:12 > 0:46:14- he's doing it because he wants to do it.- Yes.
0:46:16 > 0:46:18Craig at his nana's.
0:46:19 > 0:46:22No doubt on a day where he'd got nothing to eat at home and
0:46:22 > 0:46:24he'd gone for a bit of sanction.
0:46:24 > 0:46:26We'd always send him up there, wouldn't we,
0:46:26 > 0:46:29to go and get money, to blackmail his nana.
0:46:29 > 0:46:31Emotionally blackmail his nana for us.
0:46:33 > 0:46:35And if he didn't want to...
0:46:35 > 0:46:37"Not again, I can't ask her again,"
0:46:37 > 0:46:38we'd quite often get angry -
0:46:38 > 0:46:41"Just get yourself gone," do you know what I mean?
0:46:41 > 0:46:44- And force the situation upon him. - Yeah.
0:46:44 > 0:46:47But what he had at home wasn't really anything
0:46:47 > 0:46:49to stay at home for, was it?
0:46:49 > 0:46:53There was no electric and his meals were cooked on an open fire
0:46:53 > 0:46:55that wasn't even coal-based,
0:46:55 > 0:46:58it was pieces of 6x4 wood
0:46:58 > 0:47:02being pushed into it as they burnt down...
0:47:02 > 0:47:04Taking him to go score with us.
0:47:05 > 0:47:07- Taking him...- Shoplifting.
0:47:07 > 0:47:09Shoplifting with us.
0:47:09 > 0:47:10Police stations.
0:47:11 > 0:47:15- He even went and got me drugs from the drug dealers for me.- Yep.
0:47:18 > 0:47:21And all through the sadness of that upbringing, the loneliness
0:47:21 > 0:47:26and the isolation for them, I suppose, was you in and out of jail.
0:47:28 > 0:47:32Um, quite often crimes that we committed were committed by
0:47:32 > 0:47:35the pair of us, but you'd usually take the fall for them
0:47:35 > 0:47:39so I could be at home with the kids and you served the time for it.
0:47:40 > 0:47:46Since I was 14 and I first started taking drugs, until I was 58,
0:47:46 > 0:47:47I had no breaks,
0:47:47 > 0:47:50no concept of normality.
0:47:51 > 0:47:56Didn't know what it was like to kiss my wife, clean.
0:47:57 > 0:47:59Have a relationship with my wife, clean.
0:47:59 > 0:48:02To see my children, clean.
0:48:02 > 0:48:04For them to see me clean.
0:48:04 > 0:48:07And yet I sit here today...
0:48:08 > 0:48:10What's happened?
0:48:10 > 0:48:13Why aren't I climbing through windows any more?
0:48:13 > 0:48:15Why aren't I taking drugs any more?
0:48:15 > 0:48:17Why am I caring, why am I loving?
0:48:17 > 0:48:19Why am I compassionate?
0:48:19 > 0:48:22Why? Because I found a solution,
0:48:22 > 0:48:24and the solution for me is in
0:48:24 > 0:48:27what I... The fellowship I'm in, or the programme I do.
0:48:29 > 0:48:33I'm just thankful he's... I'm just thankful he's... He asked for help.
0:48:34 > 0:48:38- And that's where it starts, isn't it? Asking for help.- Yep.
0:48:40 > 0:48:46When Craig finally came home, two weeks before he went into rehab...
0:48:46 > 0:48:48he went back in his...
0:48:49 > 0:48:52..little bedroom upstairs, and I'll show you the little room.
0:48:53 > 0:48:59It's the only place that he found peace, the only place he found safe.
0:49:06 > 0:49:08Fucking 'ell.
0:49:10 > 0:49:12And the only place he called his own.
0:49:15 > 0:49:18Yeah. Shoes under the bed,
0:49:18 > 0:49:21his jacket still behind the door...
0:49:22 > 0:49:25Yeah, his ring on his lighter.
0:49:26 > 0:49:28My son's stuff.
0:49:30 > 0:49:32- WHISPERS:- Oh, yeah.
0:49:50 > 0:49:52- Love you.- Love you, too.
0:49:54 > 0:49:56You know what you're doing this time.
0:50:20 > 0:50:21Right.
0:50:25 > 0:50:28I know. That's OK. Right, lovey?
0:50:33 > 0:50:35- WHISPERS:- Stop.
0:50:35 > 0:50:36Sorry.
0:50:39 > 0:50:41I'll give you a call in the next couple of days, all right?
0:50:41 > 0:50:44- Whenever you're allowed, yeah. - All right, then.
0:50:44 > 0:50:48- Look after yourself, Mum.- I will. - Keep taking your medication.
0:50:48 > 0:50:49Yeah, I will.
0:50:53 > 0:50:56All medicine, anything from a chemist, pop it in the basket.
0:50:58 > 0:51:01Because some of these I need, as well.
0:51:01 > 0:51:04I have got medicine in my suitcase in my medicine box as well.
0:51:04 > 0:51:05That's OK.
0:51:07 > 0:51:09You OK?
0:51:10 > 0:51:13So, what have you had today?
0:51:14 > 0:51:18About six o'clock this morning, I did a 10-bag of heroin.
0:51:18 > 0:51:20A 10 bag.
0:51:20 > 0:51:22- £10 bag, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:51:25 > 0:51:28- So, September you were here, wasn't it?- Yeah.
0:51:28 > 0:51:31- How long were you here for?- 11 days.
0:51:31 > 0:51:32OK.
0:51:32 > 0:51:34- Glad you came back.- Yeah, me too.
0:51:36 > 0:51:39So, how have things been since you left here?
0:51:39 > 0:51:42Um... When I left here...
0:51:44 > 0:51:45Ended up in hospital.
0:51:45 > 0:51:49Yes, I was pretty bad and I ended up on train tracks and...
0:51:49 > 0:51:52Tried flying myself out of my fourth-floor window.
0:51:52 > 0:51:56- I went on a big drug binge of crack and heroin.- Mm.
0:51:56 > 0:51:58And then I just felt like there was no point left.
0:51:58 > 0:52:00My mum and dad had washed their hands of me,
0:52:00 > 0:52:02my family didn't want to talk to me.
0:52:02 > 0:52:04I'd fucked my own progress up here,
0:52:04 > 0:52:06so I thought the only way forward was just to end my life.
0:52:11 > 0:52:15And you're back with us for... 12 weeks, aren't you? That's good.
0:52:15 > 0:52:16Yeah.
0:52:16 > 0:52:20- So you're pleased to be back? - Oh, God, yeah.
0:52:20 > 0:52:23- You thought you'd burnt your bridges, I guess.- Yeah.
0:52:23 > 0:52:25Definitely.
0:52:25 > 0:52:29- People give people second chances, you see.- Yeah.- It's good.
0:52:29 > 0:52:33SEAGULLS CRY
0:52:42 > 0:52:44These are our group therapy sessions. Every person present
0:52:44 > 0:52:46should participate, as they are an important part
0:52:46 > 0:52:48of the treatment programme.
0:52:48 > 0:52:51I've been here for five weeks today. Um...
0:52:51 > 0:52:55I've come in for my drug choice, which is cocaine and cannabis.
0:52:55 > 0:52:57I've been using that since I was 16,
0:52:57 > 0:53:01I just had my 30th birthday in here about a week ago.
0:53:02 > 0:53:04I just can't stop using.
0:53:04 > 0:53:07Just can't stop using, no matter what the reason is,
0:53:07 > 0:53:10with my family, I just seem to put my drugs before anything.
0:53:10 > 0:53:12I'm powerless to stop doing that...
0:53:12 > 0:53:13VOICE FADES
0:53:19 > 0:53:22I don't like this bit.
0:53:22 > 0:53:24Cos when I was being discharged, I was kept...
0:53:24 > 0:53:26Had to come out here for our fag,
0:53:26 > 0:53:30I sat there with a few members of staff and I just don't like it.
0:53:31 > 0:53:32What happened?
0:53:34 > 0:53:36- How did I get discharged?- Yes.
0:53:37 > 0:53:39A friend of mine come to visit me and he brung me down
0:53:39 > 0:53:41an eighth of heroin.
0:53:42 > 0:53:46And I put it in my bra and took it upstairs back onto the unit and...
0:53:47 > 0:53:50I got caught, but I handed it in, I didn't use it, but I broke
0:53:50 > 0:53:53the rules, I put everyone at risk, obviously, because I took it in.
0:53:55 > 0:53:57My God, I would do anything,
0:53:57 > 0:54:01absolutely anything to take that back, it was a moment of madness.
0:54:03 > 0:54:05OK, parents.
0:54:05 > 0:54:08- Shall we go with Mum first?- Yes.
0:54:08 > 0:54:13- What's your relationship like with her?- We're not that close any more,
0:54:13 > 0:54:17- now.- Right. - After I failed in here last...- Mm.
0:54:17 > 0:54:19..she kind of washed her hands of it with me.
0:54:19 > 0:54:24- Mm.- But, um... We're on talking terms, but there's like...
0:54:26 > 0:54:28..nothing there any more.
0:54:28 > 0:54:30- Mm.- So...
0:54:32 > 0:54:34Yeah.
0:54:34 > 0:54:35But she brought you up here,
0:54:35 > 0:54:37supported you and come up here with you, so...
0:54:37 > 0:54:39- Yeah. - STRIMMER STARTS UP
0:54:39 > 0:54:42What do you remember about secondary school?
0:54:42 > 0:54:46I lasted three months at that school cos I overdosed on the property.
0:54:48 > 0:54:51That's when the journey started. I've not been back at home with Mum.
0:54:53 > 0:54:55Where did you go from the hospital?
0:54:55 > 0:54:57- Psych unit.- Mm-hm.
0:54:57 > 0:55:01Care home after care home after care home after care home.
0:55:01 > 0:55:05This was from, what, what age were you when this happened?
0:55:05 > 0:55:0712 to...13.
0:55:09 > 0:55:11Had you been diagnosed
0:55:11 > 0:55:15with borderline personality disorder by this time?
0:55:15 > 0:55:18- I got diagnosed with borderline at 18...- 18.
0:55:18 > 0:55:24- ..but it was on my paperwork from the age of 14.- Right.
0:55:24 > 0:55:25Oh, wow.
0:55:32 > 0:55:35We're not going to MAKE you stay. We want you to see in your own head
0:55:35 > 0:55:37that it's the right thing to do today.
0:55:37 > 0:55:40I don't think it's the right thing, going out.
0:55:40 > 0:55:42- Stay here, man. - I think you should stay.
0:55:42 > 0:55:45Your head's not there...
0:55:45 > 0:55:49You decided to stay here, you was fresh for a few days,
0:55:49 > 0:55:52you're coming off all your meds...
0:55:52 > 0:55:54Yeah? You're going to be wobbly.
0:55:54 > 0:55:58I understand the house is a bit disruptive, yeah, you're emotional.
0:55:58 > 0:55:59You're like me.
0:55:59 > 0:56:01But you show your emotions a bit more.
0:56:01 > 0:56:06You don't need to go anywhere else, you're in the best place,
0:56:06 > 0:56:09you're with great people who want to be with you, too.
0:56:09 > 0:56:10Yeah?
0:56:10 > 0:56:12And you're in the best place.
0:56:12 > 0:56:14You ride through the storm and
0:56:14 > 0:56:17then you can fuckin' dance in the next rain, do you know what I mean?
0:56:17 > 0:56:19You're at the most critical stage right now, mate.
0:56:21 > 0:56:23INDISTINCT
0:56:25 > 0:56:28- You've broke through so many barriers.- Come on, man.
0:56:32 > 0:56:33You've done so well,
0:56:33 > 0:56:36you've broke through loads of barriers to get where you are,
0:56:36 > 0:56:39there's no point putting your own barriers back up, you know?
0:56:41 > 0:56:43I just can't be here any more, son.
0:56:46 > 0:56:50I just want to get out of here, and get back home.
0:56:52 > 0:56:54You need to understand you're incredibly vulnerable.
0:56:54 > 0:56:56And if you do use or drink,
0:56:56 > 0:56:59you're not going to be able to take the quantities that you were.
0:56:59 > 0:57:02If you go back home and you use something, you might die.
0:57:02 > 0:57:04Yeah, my mum's dead, my dad's dead.
0:57:04 > 0:57:07My family's fucked anyway, what about if I'm up there?
0:57:07 > 0:57:09All the more reason for you to live.
0:57:11 > 0:57:13Bring some positives to the world.
0:57:21 > 0:57:24- Did they say they'd be 15 minutes? - Yeah. Yeah.
0:57:28 > 0:57:31- Only another five minutes to wait, isn't it?- Yeah.- OK.
0:57:37 > 0:57:40- It's still not too late. - Huh?- It's still not too late, mate.
0:57:40 > 0:57:42I know, but I'm going.
0:58:35 > 0:58:38Emily had told me she had at least ten personalities.
0:58:38 > 0:58:42Staff are becoming concerned about her unpredictable behaviour.
0:58:42 > 0:58:44If clients seem likely to break the rules,
0:58:44 > 0:58:48they go through a warning process, and Emily was being closely watched.
0:58:50 > 0:58:52Whilst we understand that self-harming has been
0:58:52 > 0:58:55a coping mechanism for you in the past, Broadway Lodge
0:58:55 > 0:58:57is a place of recovery
0:58:57 > 0:59:00and involves change, not continued and repeated patterns of behaviour.
0:59:00 > 0:59:03- Mm-hm.- We acknowledge your right to make your own choices, but the
0:59:03 > 0:59:06terms of this contract mean that should you decide to actively
0:59:06 > 0:59:09self-harm, it will result in you going through the formal
0:59:09 > 0:59:14warning process and MAY result in you being discharged from treatment.
0:59:15 > 0:59:20So...the warning process again is a mechanism we use to try and
0:59:20 > 0:59:22help people to change their behaviours,
0:59:22 > 0:59:27so this is the first step in trying to help you change how you cope.
0:59:27 > 0:59:29I know, but sometimes you just need to cut.
0:59:31 > 0:59:36- You know?- But so far, because you've been here, what, four, five days?
0:59:36 > 0:59:41- No, that's bad.- So far, you've done really well with it.
0:59:41 > 0:59:43I can even see it now, I want to self-harm NOW,
0:59:43 > 0:59:45because I feel so overwhelmed,
0:59:45 > 0:59:47I can actually see myself sitting
0:59:47 > 0:59:50there and just the skin opening
0:59:50 > 0:59:51and just bleeding out.
0:59:51 > 0:59:55I wipe it up and that's it, I go on about my day. I don't...
0:59:55 > 0:59:57I don't get what the big deal is.
0:59:59 > 1:00:03But we have to put things in place to care for you, Emily.
1:00:03 > 1:00:07We can't just leave you to self-harm and not acknowledge it,
1:00:07 > 1:00:08or not do something to help you.
1:00:10 > 1:00:13Dennis, I'm not... I'm really not being horrible.
1:00:13 > 1:00:15But I feel like...
1:00:20 > 1:00:22That you are...
1:00:22 > 1:00:24No. That... Oh, fucking hell.
1:00:24 > 1:00:26Can't say it?
1:00:29 > 1:00:34That you especially have no right to tell me about that contract.
1:00:39 > 1:00:40Why is that, then?
1:00:40 > 1:00:42Cos you're a bloke.
1:00:42 > 1:00:44- Mm-hm.- And it's like...
1:00:45 > 1:00:47How dare you?
1:00:48 > 1:00:50Oh, fucking hell, I don't even want to look at you.
1:00:50 > 1:00:51I'm so sorry.
1:00:57 > 1:01:00Whereas I feel this is a little bit of diversion tactics,
1:01:00 > 1:01:01if I'm honest, Emily.
1:01:01 > 1:01:04I'm not dismissing what you're saying, but...
1:01:04 > 1:01:06OK, I'll sign it, I'll sign.
1:01:06 > 1:01:08- Take a minute...- No, it's OK. I'll sign it. It's all right.
1:01:10 > 1:01:12- I've got a pen.- Ta.
1:01:23 > 1:01:25- CRYING:- Yeah, but even if I do this, Mum,
1:01:25 > 1:01:27I don't want to go home on my own.
1:01:32 > 1:01:35- Emily, it's tea-time.- OK.
1:01:35 > 1:01:36Need to be off the phone.
1:01:43 > 1:01:44- WOMAN:- For God's sake.
1:01:44 > 1:01:48It's like a bunch of children, like a school ground.
1:01:48 > 1:01:51You'd better hurry up, cos Marcus is on his way in to talk to
1:01:51 > 1:01:53everyone in the lecture room.
1:01:54 > 1:01:56Rumours have been spreading for weeks about how Craig
1:01:56 > 1:01:59was getting too close to some of the women in the house.
1:01:59 > 1:02:03One night, there was a row about love letters being passed around,
1:02:03 > 1:02:05and some people were threatening to leave.
1:02:08 > 1:02:11I hear that it's chaos in this house.
1:02:11 > 1:02:12Can somebody tell me why?
1:02:18 > 1:02:19Craig, what have you got to say?
1:02:30 > 1:02:33Why did you put your treatment in jeopardy?
1:02:33 > 1:02:35And other people's treatment in jeopardy?
1:02:35 > 1:02:38We saw your facade, talking the talk,
1:02:38 > 1:02:40as if you're doing well.
1:02:40 > 1:02:42You show that to somebody, and you show that, and you...
1:02:44 > 1:02:47..make it look like you're interested in them. OK?
1:02:49 > 1:02:53And then somebody else comes in, and you move on to somebody else.
1:02:53 > 1:02:56And this is all without a drug inside you.
1:02:56 > 1:02:58You're doing this clean.
1:03:01 > 1:03:02Hayley.
1:03:02 > 1:03:04What have you got to say?
1:03:12 > 1:03:14INDISTINCT
1:03:23 > 1:03:25You can leave now.
1:03:25 > 1:03:26But I will be seeing you tomorrow.
1:03:26 > 1:03:28HAYLEY:
1:03:28 > 1:03:30I said you can leave. I'll see you tomorrow.
1:03:56 > 1:03:58And how does that make you feel?
1:03:58 > 1:04:00Cos I get a sense he's been over-friendly with you.
1:04:00 > 1:04:04He hasn't really tried it on as such. But...
1:04:04 > 1:04:07He is very over... Very friendly.
1:04:07 > 1:04:09Your attitudes and behaviours
1:04:09 > 1:04:14have affected a lot of vulnerable women
1:04:14 > 1:04:17in the house.
1:04:17 > 1:04:21What I want you to do
1:04:21 > 1:04:24is to put in your own boundaries.
1:04:24 > 1:04:29And mix with the men in the treatment centre.
1:04:29 > 1:04:31I'll do that.
1:04:31 > 1:04:33- OK?- I will do that.
1:04:36 > 1:04:41- Cos you're trying to get your needs met from women.- I know.
1:04:41 > 1:04:45And you need to be getting your needs met from yourself.
1:04:45 > 1:04:47And on some...
1:04:47 > 1:04:50And you're going round in circles,
1:04:50 > 1:04:53and we won't get anywhere because, really, you're deflecting.
1:04:56 > 1:04:58If you start to sit with yourself,
1:04:58 > 1:05:01the feelings will come up, and we will manage them, OK?
1:05:01 > 1:05:05- OK.- And it will help you.- OK.
1:05:07 > 1:05:12And I know that you're vulnerable, as well. Everybody's vulnerable.
1:05:14 > 1:05:16It's about you working on your stuff, OK?
1:05:17 > 1:05:20And us being here to support you through it.
1:05:23 > 1:05:25OK.
1:05:25 > 1:05:27Your feelings, where have you gotten to now?
1:05:29 > 1:05:31- Sad.- Yeah.
1:05:31 > 1:05:33And I think that's it.
1:05:33 > 1:05:37That's what you have been trying to get away from, that sadness.
1:05:37 > 1:05:40And when we deflect and bounce off of other people,
1:05:40 > 1:05:44we don't get to what's really going on for us.
1:05:44 > 1:05:45And that's what you're here for.
1:05:46 > 1:05:51To get to you, really. And to be able to manage your feelings.
1:05:51 > 1:05:53- OK?- OK.
1:05:56 > 1:05:58- OK?- OK.
1:05:58 > 1:06:01Thank you very much, everyone, for your honesty.
1:06:01 > 1:06:02Thank you.
1:06:04 > 1:06:05Yeah, thanks.
1:06:15 > 1:06:18The group smashed me to pieces
1:06:18 > 1:06:20They just tear me apart
1:06:20 > 1:06:23All their words hit home
1:06:23 > 1:06:25They hurt my confused heart
1:06:25 > 1:06:28I feel the pain, I feel the hurt
1:06:28 > 1:06:31It totally rips me apart
1:06:31 > 1:06:33I feel abandoned by the group
1:06:33 > 1:06:36It wasn't like this at the start
1:06:36 > 1:06:40Rejection issues I'm isolating alone in the dark
1:06:40 > 1:06:43Why do I feel the way I do?
1:06:43 > 1:06:46Please, power, show me the spark
1:06:46 > 1:06:49I know you're here, I feel you there
1:06:49 > 1:06:51Please make it stop
1:06:51 > 1:06:53This feeling of anticipation
1:06:53 > 1:06:55and waiting for the drop.
1:07:04 > 1:07:06I just feel like I'm being picked on, as sad as it sounds.
1:07:09 > 1:07:11And I have learnt a lot, and I feel like...
1:07:13 > 1:07:16..like I could go. I feel like I could just go home.
1:07:16 > 1:07:20Use my mum and dad, as recovering addicts,
1:07:20 > 1:07:21as if they were my peers here.
1:07:21 > 1:07:23Talk to them on a deeper level
1:07:23 > 1:07:26about stuff I've never spoken to them about.
1:07:26 > 1:07:31And I feel like going through NA, AA, whatever it is, working
1:07:31 > 1:07:34the 12-steps programme, continue doing what I'm doing here...
1:07:35 > 1:07:38I feel like I could get that at home.
1:07:38 > 1:07:41INTERVIEWER: What would you talk to your parents about?
1:07:41 > 1:07:46My past. My past and what I've learnt.
1:07:46 > 1:07:47How I feel about it.
1:07:51 > 1:07:55Things I need to talk to them about that I've not spoken to them about.
1:07:59 > 1:08:00It's why I am who I am.
1:08:04 > 1:08:06I don't even know who I am.
1:08:17 > 1:08:19This place is not healthy.
1:08:22 > 1:08:23It's not healthy.
1:08:25 > 1:08:26Cos just... Yeah.
1:08:26 > 1:08:30It's not. Like I said the other day, it's driving me underground already.
1:08:30 > 1:08:32It's going underground already.
1:08:32 > 1:08:35And the last two days that's happened
1:08:35 > 1:08:37has been me disconnecting completely.
1:08:37 > 1:08:39I've shut down.
1:08:39 > 1:08:43So because of these pathetic little contracts that people...
1:08:43 > 1:08:45I don't see the point in them.
1:08:45 > 1:08:48What's the point in giving someone a contract
1:08:48 > 1:08:52within a day of coming in here, for them to just shut down?
1:08:52 > 1:08:53Of course they're going to do that!
1:08:53 > 1:08:56There's no trust there. There's no nothing.
1:08:56 > 1:09:00There is a contract handed to me, I could not do anything about that.
1:09:00 > 1:09:02I have an addiction to cutting myself,
1:09:02 > 1:09:03like I've got other addictions.
1:09:03 > 1:09:06I had to come in rehab to get...
1:09:06 > 1:09:09Because of my addiction to heroin.
1:09:09 > 1:09:12So where's the rehab around my addiction to cutting myself?
1:09:12 > 1:09:14There isn't, I just don't have to do it.
1:09:14 > 1:09:16Therefore it goes underground.
1:09:16 > 1:09:20And then we get done for keeping secrets and all that lot. So I...
1:09:20 > 1:09:23And all this other shit that's... I'm keeping my mouth shut.
1:09:23 > 1:09:25And my feelings have switched off.
1:09:27 > 1:09:29I can't be fucked with it.
1:09:35 > 1:09:37INTERVIEWER: What would help, then?
1:09:37 > 1:09:39Having a fucking bit of gear.
1:09:49 > 1:09:51I'm not going to last in here.
1:09:54 > 1:09:57I think you're stronger than what you think.
1:09:57 > 1:09:58Well, I don't care what you think.
1:10:03 > 1:10:06Shall we go down and show you where the art stuff is?
1:10:06 > 1:10:08How do you feel?
1:10:09 > 1:10:11I feel quite calm.
1:10:13 > 1:10:15I feel quite pleased, as well,
1:10:15 > 1:10:17that you were able to just let off...
1:10:19 > 1:10:20That's about it, really.
1:10:23 > 1:10:24Do I not scare you?
1:10:25 > 1:10:27No. No.
1:10:28 > 1:10:30Well, I wanted to.
1:10:30 > 1:10:32I know.
1:10:33 > 1:10:38MUSIC: Jingles Bells played on piano
1:10:54 > 1:10:56There used to be a big saying in treatment,
1:10:56 > 1:10:59and I'm certainly somebody that it applies to.
1:10:59 > 1:11:02My attitude was wrong.
1:11:02 > 1:11:04And I was told on several occasions,
1:11:04 > 1:11:08"Go away and come back if and when you are ever ready."
1:11:08 > 1:11:10"But don't come back until you are ready,
1:11:10 > 1:11:12"because you're just wasting our time.
1:11:12 > 1:11:13"You're wasting your time,
1:11:13 > 1:11:16"our time and everybody else's around you time."
1:11:16 > 1:11:18I know people out there
1:11:18 > 1:11:21that would give their right arm to be sat in these chairs.
1:11:21 > 1:11:23I was on the phone last night to somebody,
1:11:23 > 1:11:25an active addictionist in Bristol.
1:11:25 > 1:11:27Crying her eyes out,
1:11:27 > 1:11:30"They're desperate to get help, they're desperate."
1:11:30 > 1:11:32There's people in here
1:11:32 > 1:11:35that don't seem to have the right attitude and the right behaviours.
1:11:35 > 1:11:37And I'm going to be straight with you,
1:11:37 > 1:11:41we're going to cull it, because it's not fair on the people
1:11:41 > 1:11:43that have got the right attitudes or behaviours.
1:11:43 > 1:11:46So I'm inviting each and every one of you
1:11:46 > 1:11:48to start to take personal responsibility,
1:11:48 > 1:11:52because the way the team are feeling at the minute with this community,
1:11:52 > 1:11:55we are going to have to take some of the bad apples out the barrel.
1:11:55 > 1:11:58There's plenty of people out there who would be desperate
1:11:58 > 1:12:00to walk in here and get some help.
1:12:07 > 1:12:09INDISTINCT VOICES
1:12:09 > 1:12:12Oh, for fuck's sake. Shut up.
1:12:12 > 1:12:14VOICES CONTINUE
1:12:17 > 1:12:18Are you hiding your face?
1:12:21 > 1:12:22Show me your face.
1:12:24 > 1:12:26Come on. Give me a peek-a-boo.
1:12:30 > 1:12:31SHE SNIFFS
1:12:31 > 1:12:33INTERVIEWER: How many days have you been drug-free?
1:12:33 > 1:12:35Two.
1:12:37 > 1:12:38No methadone for two days.
1:12:40 > 1:12:42No heroin for 14 days.
1:12:45 > 1:12:48No Valium for... I think about a week, now.
1:12:55 > 1:12:57What do you see when you look outside?
1:13:02 > 1:13:05I'm not really looking, I'm just staring.
1:13:11 > 1:13:13I can see what's in my mind.
1:13:14 > 1:13:16TAP RUNS
1:13:18 > 1:13:20- Jo?- Yeah?- You all right?
1:13:22 > 1:13:23JO LAUGHS
1:13:23 > 1:13:24- You all right?- Yes.
1:13:26 > 1:13:28- You got a cold?- Yes, a stinker.
1:13:33 > 1:13:35- You feeling a bit better now?- Yeah.
1:13:37 > 1:13:39- Isn't it weird, these mood swings?- Yeah.
1:13:41 > 1:13:42Really weird.
1:13:44 > 1:13:47I went from one extreme to the next, I feel really calm, now.
1:13:47 > 1:13:48Yeah, you look better.
1:14:03 > 1:14:08INDISTINCT VOICES
1:14:08 > 1:14:09Will you speak to my mum?
1:14:11 > 1:14:12You need to speak to her.
1:14:20 > 1:14:21Yeah, I know!
1:14:21 > 1:14:22I'm not fucking stupid.
1:14:24 > 1:14:26SHE TAPS TABLE
1:14:26 > 1:14:29I hope I'm not the only cunt that's being discharged over this.
1:14:29 > 1:14:30Absolutely not.
1:14:31 > 1:14:33All three of you.
1:14:33 > 1:14:35SHE SIGHS
1:14:35 > 1:14:37Do you want to come up to the office with me and phone the care manager?
1:14:39 > 1:14:43She's been involved with two other patients
1:14:43 > 1:14:45that passed medication to each other.
1:14:45 > 1:14:48Emily's taken some of that medication, as well.
1:14:48 > 1:14:52And under Broadway Lodge rules, that's an automatic discharge
1:14:52 > 1:14:56because we just can't have people taking other people's medication.
1:14:58 > 1:15:00OK.
1:15:01 > 1:15:04So this is the half a zopiclone?
1:15:06 > 1:15:08I didn't take it.
1:15:10 > 1:15:14Emily's sat in my office right next to me now, and she's pulled out
1:15:14 > 1:15:19half a tablet that she was supposed to be taking, and given it to me.
1:15:19 > 1:15:20That's not going to make any difference,
1:15:20 > 1:15:22she's still going to be discharged.
1:15:23 > 1:15:25Yeah.
1:15:26 > 1:15:29So, where are you going to go back to?
1:15:29 > 1:15:31- Eventually?- My place.
1:15:31 > 1:15:33- Your place, in Milton Keynes?- Yeah.
1:15:34 > 1:15:35OK.
1:15:36 > 1:15:39Have you got enough money to buy food and stuff like that
1:15:39 > 1:15:40for yourself this evening?
1:15:40 > 1:15:42Yeah.
1:15:44 > 1:15:46SHE CRIES
1:15:49 > 1:15:52Hello. This is Broadway Lodge. Can I have a taxi...?
1:15:53 > 1:15:56- Where are you going?- Back home.
1:15:57 > 1:15:59I'm one of the cunts in the station van.
1:16:00 > 1:16:02Yeah, I'm going there.
1:16:30 > 1:16:32Look at your hair!
1:16:56 > 1:16:57Selfishness.
1:16:59 > 1:17:01Dishonesty.
1:17:04 > 1:17:06And my prayers.
1:17:15 > 1:17:17And my resentments.
1:17:21 > 1:17:23Bit of intolerance.
1:17:25 > 1:17:26Envy, comparing.
1:17:36 > 1:17:38Mm.
1:17:43 > 1:17:46INTERVIEWER: Does that taste like the best chocolate you've ever had?
1:17:46 > 1:17:48It sure does taste like the best chocolate I've ever had.
1:17:49 > 1:17:50Clean chocolate.
1:17:50 > 1:17:52Chocolate free...
1:17:56 > 1:17:57It's lovely up here.
1:18:01 > 1:18:03Peaceful. I feel at peace now.
1:18:13 > 1:18:15Every minute of every day
1:18:15 > 1:18:18The burning desire subsides away
1:18:18 > 1:18:21As I walk a new life into the unknown
1:18:21 > 1:18:24I now have hope and faith to carry me home
1:18:24 > 1:18:29I felt as though I was approaching my hour to depart
1:18:29 > 1:18:32My extinction could have been the end
1:18:32 > 1:18:34But I can tell this is the start.
1:18:34 > 1:18:35APPLAUSE
1:18:35 > 1:18:38Out of the nether world into the blue
1:18:38 > 1:18:40I thought it was the ending
1:18:40 > 1:18:42But realise I am new
1:18:42 > 1:18:46I've got so much closure and a new quality to give
1:18:46 > 1:18:50I feel the energy I feel I have purpose to live.
1:18:55 > 1:18:56Yeah.