0:00:02 > 0:00:05One in four of us will face a mental health illness
0:00:05 > 0:00:08at some point in our lives.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12We may know the statistic, but what do we really know
0:00:12 > 0:00:14about those who live with challenging conditions
0:00:14 > 0:00:17and the working lives of those involved in their care?
0:00:20 > 0:00:23This series will bring them together - to tell their stories.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Whitchurch Hospital in north Cardiff is facing its final days
0:00:42 > 0:00:45as an ageing institution, built at the start of the last century.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Modern psychiatric services across Wales
0:00:48 > 0:00:51aim to treat people where possible in purpose-built units,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54or outside in the community.
0:00:54 > 0:00:5824-year-old Natalie McCulloch, from the Vale of Glamorgan,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01has been under the care of a specialist mental health team
0:01:01 > 0:01:05since being sectioned for a severe eating disorder 10 months ago.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08I've been diagnosed with anorexia nervosa,
0:01:08 > 0:01:12and basically it's an eating disorder, but it goes
0:01:12 > 0:01:15far further than food.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17It results in weight loss, food restriction,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20exercise compulsion, hospitalisation...
0:01:20 > 0:01:23I get very emotionally anxious
0:01:23 > 0:01:26and tearful - and socially,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I've sort of disengaged with a lot of friends.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32I've dropped out of university, out of work,
0:01:32 > 0:01:36and I've let go of so many opportunities, just because
0:01:36 > 0:01:39so many of them involve food.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44So, I've... Probably about...
0:01:44 > 0:01:4811, 12, 13, that sort of age, and I guess that's when
0:01:48 > 0:01:51your puppy fat gets laid down, and things,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54and those changing shapes provoke the feelings of being
0:01:54 > 0:01:58overweight, even if they would have sort of slipped away.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01The worrying thing was that I'd lost
0:02:01 > 0:02:06six stone in six months, and I think it was just that severity...
0:02:06 > 0:02:11of how I'd been sort of quite a "bonny" little girl
0:02:11 > 0:02:15at the Christmas, and then by the June, I was, well...
0:02:15 > 0:02:18emaciated, I suppose. Erm,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21and I had to be sort of put into a wheelchair.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25People think, "Oh, you know, just eat, you know, just go home and
0:02:25 > 0:02:28"have a few good meals - that'll put the weight on and stuff."
0:02:28 > 0:02:31If only it was that easy.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Natalie's care team is based at Whitchurch Hospital, although
0:02:34 > 0:02:36she isn't being treated here.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40The SHED team is a specialist high-risk eating disorder unit,
0:02:40 > 0:02:44treating around 40 patients each year.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Well, the types of psychological issues that all eating disorders
0:02:48 > 0:02:52have in common is a very severe concern
0:02:52 > 0:02:55with either body shape or body weight,
0:02:55 > 0:02:59or food intake, or the pattern of eating.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03In some senses, the approach to food and eating can become quite rigid,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06and obsessional, and they experience
0:03:06 > 0:03:09quite high perfectionistic standards, in terms of
0:03:09 > 0:03:13achieving their goals with their eating.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17But treating Natalie has meant leaving Wales
0:03:17 > 0:03:21and a bed for her at a specialist clinic in Marlborough in Wiltshire,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24as there are no beds for severely anorexic patients in Wales.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Her care is shared by the team in Whitchurch
0:03:28 > 0:03:31and by the unit in Marlborough where Natalie is being
0:03:31 > 0:03:34supported to shop and plan for meals,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- then eat on her own - and in company.- Thank you very much!
0:03:37 > 0:03:42Everyone understands that you're in there to go through
0:03:42 > 0:03:46some hellish times, and the empathy there is incredible.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49That's one thing that touches everyone when they go in,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52how understanding everyone is, and how willing people are
0:03:52 > 0:03:56to listen to and help other people even if they won't help themselves.
0:03:56 > 0:04:01Getting up, someone stands behind the bathroom door,
0:04:01 > 0:04:05while you go to the toilet, so you don't try and influence your weight.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Then you go down to your underwear and step on the scales.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12I'm always really anxious as I see the numbers go up,
0:04:12 > 0:04:16because it's done in points, and you can see it go up and up and up,
0:04:16 > 0:04:20and part of you is thinking, "I want it to be higher,"
0:04:20 > 0:04:23but then part of me is, "OK, stop now, stop now!"
0:04:23 > 0:04:26as I'm seeing it go up. It's very difficult for me
0:04:26 > 0:04:29to be excited or elated by reaching my target -
0:04:29 > 0:04:32which I think a lot of people can't understand, because
0:04:32 > 0:04:36in an ideal world, that is what I'm working towards, thus,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I've reached it, surely I should be happy.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42But I think it signals a new part of the journey, and that's really scary.
0:04:52 > 0:04:5542-year-old Maddy Read was born in Birmingham,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58but moved to Cardiff over 20 years ago. She has lived
0:04:58 > 0:05:01with debilitating mental illness all her life.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I believe that I was depressed
0:05:04 > 0:05:06from my first memories.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11I think I suffered from anxiety, as well as depression,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13from early childhood.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I think the two come hand-in-hand
0:05:15 > 0:05:17and I was scared of anything and everything.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I was scared of bees, I was scared of wasps,
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I was scared of aeroplanes flying over.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Volcanoes, earthquakes.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Big-time - more than that was normal, really.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Maddy made it through college and a music diploma,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32but became seriously ill in her early 20s.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36I've spent all day, every day,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39either just crying, shaking -
0:05:39 > 0:05:41physically, severely shaking...
0:05:41 > 0:05:43screaming...
0:05:43 > 0:05:46or actually paralysed.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I was very suicidal. All the time.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Became obsessed with killing myself.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I wanted it to be right.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I didn't want to mess it up, I didn't want to wake up
0:05:58 > 0:06:01with a broken neck and not be paralysed for the rest of my life,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03where I couldn't kill myself again.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06I didn't want to die in pain,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08so getting the right way was really important to me,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10so I kind of researched it a bit,
0:06:10 > 0:06:14and just became obsessed with doing it and how to do it.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19I kind of tempted fate by having this cord round my neck...
0:06:19 > 0:06:20hanging from the banister,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23and my tip-toes would just be on the step.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I'd will myself to push, but...
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I never did.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29And then I met my husband, Mike.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31He was a great support,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35and I moved in with him pretty much within weeks.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37And he pushed the Community Team and said,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39"Look, she's not progressing, she's not doing anything.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42"What have you got in mind?"
0:06:42 > 0:06:45After four in-patient admissions at Whitchurch for her severe
0:06:45 > 0:06:48depression, Maddy was offered the chance to attend the day hospital here.
0:06:49 > 0:06:54That was really the most significant thing that helped my recovery.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I had two or three days to go in each week.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01I met this lovely lady who took art groups...
0:07:01 > 0:07:04and it got me mixing with people, as well.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I had a routine, for the first time.
0:07:06 > 0:07:11Get up, go in, see the nurse, do a group, maybe see the doctor.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12And come home.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16The work Maddy did at the day hospital,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18coupled with anti-depressant medication,
0:07:18 > 0:07:22meant that she could begin to recover - for the first time.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Two, three, four years ago, I remember waking up and thinking,
0:07:26 > 0:07:30"Oh! I don't want to die today. I don't want to kill myself today."
0:07:30 > 0:07:32That was fantastic!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Getting well was like being born for the first time.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Dudley Moore! Good Lord, is he "jazz"?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Gosh, it's so dated, it's beautiful!
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I could see things, I could communicate with people,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50I could... SHE SIGHS
0:07:50 > 0:07:52..enjoy, maybe? Nearly?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Get pleasure out of things - that's a better way to say -
0:07:55 > 0:07:58get pleasure out of things I thought I'd never get pleasure out of.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Even just observing scenery, or...
0:08:00 > 0:08:03you know, anything.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17In Flint, 21-year-old Kelly Boylin also knows the pain of mental
0:08:17 > 0:08:19health problems from an early age.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I started self-harming when I was ten...
0:08:22 > 0:08:25but I didn't really understand at all what I was doing.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I had no idea what self-harm was,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30or why people did it,
0:08:30 > 0:08:33or...what caused it, or anything like that.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I just knew that I was in pain and wanted to get away from it.
0:08:40 > 0:08:45It's horrible. Everybody judges you - your friends, your family.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47You're now the person with a mental health problem.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51A diagnosis doesn't make me a monster - I'm not dangerous.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I'm just like you, I'm just like everybody else -
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I'm a normal human being.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59I just find things a bit more difficult sometimes.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03A traumatic childhood, which she's still reluctant to talk about,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06made her mental health worse, and by the age of 15, she was
0:09:06 > 0:09:09placed in a specialist unit for teenagers in Colwyn Bay.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I actually remember the day I got took in
0:09:12 > 0:09:16was the last day of my GCSE exams.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19I remember saying goodbye to my friends at 3.30 at the gates
0:09:19 > 0:09:21and saying, "I hope we all get the results we want."
0:09:21 > 0:09:24And then, literally, crossing the road and there being a taxi
0:09:24 > 0:09:26waiting for me to take me to this mental health unit
0:09:26 > 0:09:28that I knew nothing about,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31and didn't know what I would face when I got there.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34And I was so, so scared.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42It was horrible. I hated every single minute of it.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I think I was just a very angry little girl at the time.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49I just fought against the system by carrying on, trying to take my life,
0:09:49 > 0:09:53and self-harming and... in a number of ways, really.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Slamming doors, getting angry.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Running away - I did that a number of times, as well.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01The opportunity to work with a trained
0:10:01 > 0:10:04psychologist at the unit was a turning point for Kelly.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Bronwyn was my care co-ordinator.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09But she was also a child psychologist.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13She was lovely. She wasn't intimidating or anything like that.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17She was just really warm, and asked the questions quite subtly,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20so she wasn't in my face and didn't scare me.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22She really understood how hard it can be to be that age
0:10:22 > 0:10:24and be struggling with
0:10:24 > 0:10:26such harrowing things.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28She'd see me about once a week,
0:10:28 > 0:10:30and we'd talk about how things are getting on at the unit,
0:10:30 > 0:10:33what I was finding hard and what I was getting a bit better with.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I finally realised it's kind of now or never.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I had to do something with my life,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41and just make people proud of me.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I think I was really fixated on making people proud of me.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47So it definitely spurred me on.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49We really had a really close connection.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52We got on really well and used to be able to have a laugh.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55We'd go out for coffee and for walks.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57We just got on really, really well.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59It felt like she was a massive support network in my life.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Six years later, we're still doing that.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06I'd almost call myself her "transitional object".
0:11:06 > 0:11:09If you think about teddy bears and their significance for toddlers,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12as they move on into school,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15or sleeping in their own bed, or anything of that sort.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17So, although it might sound a little bit trite,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20I've allowed Kelly to "hang on" in a way.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25She's in that very difficult 18-to-25-year-old group
0:11:25 > 0:11:27that finds the movement from, maybe,
0:11:27 > 0:11:31children's services into adults' services quite difficult.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33What if you suddenly find that,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36because it probably will happen - these things are always swings and roundabouts...
0:11:36 > 0:11:39the times when the bad days,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42for whatever reason, outweigh the good again.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43How will you cope with that?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46I really feel I'm here to make a difference, somehow,
0:11:46 > 0:11:48and I want to make that happen.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I don't know exactly what that is.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I find it really, really helpful,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54on the mental health side of things,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56to have somebody around me that's quite a lot older than me,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58that has a lot of experience.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02- I think it's really important. - Luckily, somebody had spotted it.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09In Marlborough, Natalie is facing a difficult task.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Her recovery means daily challenges, such as shopping for food
0:12:12 > 0:12:16with the help of a specialist nurse.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Erm, I don't think I'll be able to do it, to be honest.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Especially cos they've got the calories all over there... and I'm just thinking,
0:12:25 > 0:12:29I don't know what I can have without putting on too much weight.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34But then I know that I'm here to put on weight.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36I want to choose what I want, because, otherwise,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39it's giving in to the anorexia, and I've done that for so many years.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43But that is terrifying.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47I know they're having crisps,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49fruits and a sandwich on the ward,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52so I guess I could follow that...
0:12:52 > 0:12:54It does give you a guide, though.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Can I just steal that around you, sorry? Thank you.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59OK, so what else do I get in this, then?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- If I grab a bottle of water and a pack of crisps?- Yeah.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04And then some fruits.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08I'm always really conscious about what people are thinking about what I've eaten,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I love Worcester sauce.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- Hands-down decision. - And then fruits.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14They're onions - that's not good.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17And especially, like going out and choosing meals
0:13:17 > 0:13:19when you don't know what's in the food...
0:13:19 > 0:13:22how many calories are in so-and-so.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24This feels so weird.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27And a lot of places now put calories on the menu.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Some supermarkets even have them
0:13:29 > 0:13:32in front of the cake when you're choosing them.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35For someone like me, that is horrific,
0:13:35 > 0:13:37as being able to choose something you actually want
0:13:37 > 0:13:38is really difficult.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Natalie's team from the Whitchurch Hospital Eating Disorders Unit
0:13:42 > 0:13:46has come to Marlborough to discuss her future.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Natalie remains sectioned under the Mental Health Act, but she has
0:13:49 > 0:13:52found a flat in Cardiff and wants to live there independently.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Basically, Natalie's been progressing quite well
0:13:55 > 0:13:57with the treatment plan set for her.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59She's been completing meals...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01no problems with that.
0:14:01 > 0:14:06Natalie has progressed really significantly recently.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Having a very focussed determination now to recover.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Personally, I'm very optimistic
0:14:12 > 0:14:15about how she will be able to continue
0:14:15 > 0:14:18this hard work in order to achieve the goals she has in mind.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Ending treatment abruptly at the hospital in Marlborough
0:14:21 > 0:14:23would not be good for Natalie.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26So the staff will discuss allowing her to share her time
0:14:26 > 0:14:29between her flat in Cardiff and the unit in Wiltshire.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Some of the key points would be thinking about planning your meals
0:14:32 > 0:14:37at home, thinking about shopping and what the facilities are.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Getting used to shopping in particular places,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41and what they have available.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Then, preparing those meals and having some support around that.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48I thought that was really positive, actually.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I'm always really anxious before I go in,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53just because it's sort of feeding back on your progress,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56and about planning for the next couple of months.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58I can override those anorexic thoughts
0:14:58 > 0:15:01and hopefully then they'll get quieter.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03It's like anything, I suppose.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05If you don't listen to it, it will eventually give up,
0:15:05 > 0:15:08and I hope that will be the same with the anorexia.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Natalie still has much work to do, though.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Preparing food and eating independently
0:15:17 > 0:15:20will be a key part of her recovery.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22How long does this take to cook, chicken?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24About 20 minutes?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26So that will have to go on first.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I'd probably cook that one with onions.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31OK?
0:15:31 > 0:15:35One of the key issues that makes it difficult for people with anorexia
0:15:35 > 0:15:37to eat, generally,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39is a sense of guilt around eating.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41That's very difficult to manage
0:15:41 > 0:15:43when they're eating on their own,
0:15:43 > 0:15:46but is even more pronounced if they're eating in company,
0:15:46 > 0:15:50and therefore they feel other people are aware of what they're eating...
0:15:50 > 0:15:53and maybe having thoughts that are quite critical
0:15:53 > 0:15:56about them and how much they're eating.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Do you think that looks even? What do you think?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- I don't know. - It looks a hell of a lot.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Do you think there's more on that one?
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Maybe. Does it matter, though?
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Hmm, no. No.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14No, probably not.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- OK.- OK?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Recovering from mental illness is a daily challenge,
0:16:19 > 0:16:23and maintaining wellbeing can often feel like hard work.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25For me, when I was unwell,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28then I wouldn't dream of putting any kind of make up on.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I would always be clean and tidy, but there was no motivation,
0:16:31 > 0:16:33and what's the point anyway?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Everything was pointless.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37It's only when you're well, for me,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40that you think of making it even better.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44I suppose that's a way of putting it, by doing your hair nice
0:16:44 > 0:16:46or having a haircut or putting some make-up on.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49It aids what you've already got.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52But you have to be well enough to want to do it.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Somebody noticed that if I'm feeling not so good,
0:16:55 > 0:16:59I would tend to wear darker, plain clothes.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02It's not something I'm aware of or do consciously,
0:17:02 > 0:17:06but I guess it probably does reflect on how I'm feeling that day.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Cos, I mean, for me, there's quite a lot of actual motivation
0:17:10 > 0:17:12and thought planning in what I wear.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14So, if I can't function very well,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17if my thought processes aren't very good
0:17:17 > 0:17:18and my concentration isn't good,
0:17:18 > 0:17:21then it probably reflects on what I'm wearing.
0:17:22 > 0:17:27I am a person who likes to be a bit individual,
0:17:27 > 0:17:31likes to make, certainly, the best of what I have.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35It's just something I enjoy doing, really, make the best of myself.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I love the compliments, if I get any,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40and I love to give compliments too.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43But it would be the ultimate compliment to me
0:17:43 > 0:17:47for people to like me for who I was, rather than,
0:17:47 > 0:17:49"Oh, I like that jacket."
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Cos, at the moment, I think,
0:17:50 > 0:17:54"Well, nobody would like me for who I am...
0:17:54 > 0:17:56"because I've got nothing to offer."
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Kelly made a good recovery
0:18:02 > 0:18:05from mental health problems during adolescence,
0:18:05 > 0:18:09until she received shattering news three years ago.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I remember being out shopping with my friend.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15I got a phone call from my mum telling me that I had to go home
0:18:15 > 0:18:19because something had happened to one of the family members.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22She sat us both down...
0:18:22 > 0:18:25and I remember her bursting into tears and...
0:18:27 > 0:18:30..just saying that this wasn't a joke
0:18:30 > 0:18:33and that I had to take this seriously
0:18:33 > 0:18:35and that she never wanted to have to tell me this,
0:18:35 > 0:18:38but that my middle sister, Kimberly,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40had committed suicide during the night.
0:18:48 > 0:18:53It just felt like something out of a film, just not real.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57I couldn't believe it, because Kim was such a strong-willed person
0:18:57 > 0:19:01and so dedicated to what she was doing and...
0:19:01 > 0:19:03She wanted to open up her own law firm
0:19:03 > 0:19:07and she had so much going for her, that I literally couldn't believe it,
0:19:07 > 0:19:11and I actually didn't believe it for about two years after her death.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23I come here about once a week
0:19:23 > 0:19:26and I think it's still important for me to come here,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29so I feel that Kim knows that I still care about her, you know,
0:19:29 > 0:19:34I still want to come and commemorate her memory and remember her.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37But I don't always bring flowers. I tend to bring little fairies
0:19:37 > 0:19:40because she used to have a collection of fairies on her bedside table
0:19:40 > 0:19:42and different things like that.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45And sister plaques and little poems and things.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46I just bring something different.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50It's...
0:19:50 > 0:19:55These last three years has to be the worst three years of my life,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57because...
0:19:57 > 0:20:01my sister's not here and I still can't accept that sometimes
0:20:01 > 0:20:04and, for the first two years of when she was gone,
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I continuously tried to join her.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09I felt that she deserved to be here more than me
0:20:09 > 0:20:11and, somehow, magically, if I ended it all,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13then someone would bring her back
0:20:13 > 0:20:17and she'd be able to live the life that she deserved to live.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Well, I set up a campaign in Kim's memory
0:20:33 > 0:20:34because, before Kim took her life,
0:20:34 > 0:20:38she'd been on a waiting list for mental health services for two years
0:20:38 > 0:20:41and she still hadn't been seen by anybody
0:20:41 > 0:20:43by the time she had committed suicide.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46So, in her memory, I set up a campaign called Kim's Voice
0:20:46 > 0:20:49which is fighting for better mental health services in the UK
0:20:49 > 0:20:51and I think it's a really good outlet for my grief,
0:20:51 > 0:20:55it's a really good way for me to reach out and let other people know
0:20:55 > 0:20:58not just how I'm feeling, but actually how a lot of people,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00when they lose people to suicide, feel.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03If I could help one person through this campaign,
0:21:03 > 0:21:06then something good would have come out of Kim's death
0:21:06 > 0:21:08and the rest is just a bonus.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12I hope she'd be proud of me.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13But I guess...
0:21:13 > 0:21:17That's one of the hardest things to accept, that you'll never know.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20But I hope she'd be proud of me. People tell me that she is.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21So, I hope she is.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Natalie's move back to Cardiff
0:21:28 > 0:21:32is a chance for her to live independently for the first time.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35It used to be a constant thing on my mind, you know,
0:21:35 > 0:21:39"Where would I find to live, I need somewhere to live..."
0:21:39 > 0:21:42But I was anxious about whether I'd be able to cope,
0:21:42 > 0:21:46whether I'd like it, whether the area was going to be good,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49whether I was going to feel safe there, that's a big thing for me.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51This is my apron, which is very honest.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55The idea that I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Cooking the easy way, ping!
0:21:57 > 0:22:00That's pretty much my level of cooking skill at the moment.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I didn't want to be placed just anywhere,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I wanted somewhere that was actually going to be good for me
0:22:05 > 0:22:08and good for my recovery, allow me to practise all the skills
0:22:08 > 0:22:13and not put me back into an awkward position, I guess.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15You know, they mentioned hostels and that wasn't for me,
0:22:15 > 0:22:17I didn't want to go into a hostel.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I needed somewhere with my own kitchen,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21because I wanted to be able to cook.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25One of the biggest parts of my journey is to get that independence.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28So, yeah, I placed a lot of hope on this place.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31The period of transition from the inpatient unit
0:22:31 > 0:22:35to living in the community is a very difficult time,
0:22:35 > 0:22:39and that's why we aim to focus a lot of intensive support
0:22:39 > 0:22:41around that period.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47With time, that will be tapered away
0:22:47 > 0:22:51and she will be offered a range of psychological therapies
0:22:51 > 0:22:56and dietician advice in order to maintain her weight.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58It's like the golden carrot,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01the final discharge is the end of the road, a long road.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06It's not the end of the recovery, I don't believe that for one second.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I think I'd be naive if I thought it was.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10The hard work is yet to come.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15For me, this time, it feels really good
0:23:15 > 0:23:19to have gone through the procedure properly, to not have bolted.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21My GP saved my life when he sectioned me,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23and I never thought I'd say that.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I've really enjoyed going out for meals now.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31And really quite empowering just to be able to look at a menu
0:23:31 > 0:23:32and choose what I wanted,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35as opposed to choose what I think I ought to have.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37And last weekend, I went out with friends for a meal,
0:23:37 > 0:23:39but I actually really like looking...
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I look forward to going out for meals,
0:23:41 > 0:23:43mostly if someone else is paying.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54So, please...
0:23:54 > 0:23:561998, take one.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Action!
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Maddy considers paid work to be a crucial part of her recovery,
0:24:02 > 0:24:06offering some financial independence and a structure to her day.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08From the early age of school,
0:24:08 > 0:24:11I never believed I could do a job, ever. Any job.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Any job posed a problem and that's with me throughout my life, really.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I fell into TV extra work.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21I'm a supporting artist, known as SAs.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Because my husband knew an agent, and I phoned,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26and there's no audition, there's no interview,
0:24:26 > 0:24:28and that's kind of suited me.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32I love going out, new places, new people,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34so it's almost like a social thing.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39I like the fact of being part of a team,
0:24:39 > 0:24:41I do like the fact of, you know,
0:24:41 > 0:24:45I've been on Casualty or Doctor Who or, you know, the big shows,
0:24:45 > 0:24:46so that's all great.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50It stops me being at home, moping, thinking I'm useless.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52And action!
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I love my TV work, but it's not nine to five.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00You know, I can go for months where I don't get anything
0:25:00 > 0:25:04and then a block of crazy weeks where there's loads, but...
0:25:04 > 0:25:08So, I suppose I'd feel normal and recovered
0:25:08 > 0:25:10if I had a proper job, but...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14That's a challenge in itself.
0:25:14 > 0:25:20I can't see a normal, proper job that wouldn't scare me to death.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23So, I'm kind of...
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Knowing what I want, and knowing what I should be doing,
0:25:26 > 0:25:27but too scared to do it.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36For me, now... Yes, I'm the best I've ever been.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Yes, I still get bad days.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Yes, I still have issues
0:25:40 > 0:25:44with concentration and motivation, particularly, sometimes focus.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48And I accept that's always going to be a bit harder for me
0:25:48 > 0:25:51than maybe other people.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54But recovery, for me, I suppose,
0:25:54 > 0:25:58is being able to get where you want to be and not have...
0:25:59 > 0:26:02..mental health issues that will hinder that.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Kelly is working hard to maintain her mental wellbeing,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14but knows that she needs time to think and grieve for her sister.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Me and Kim had a massive, massive love for horses.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25My parents had a few horses and we used to go riding regularly.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27So, I guess when I'm riding,
0:26:27 > 0:26:30it's really the one place that I feel Kim around still
0:26:30 > 0:26:33and I feel like I kind of connect with her.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35So, that's really important to me.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41I think having a sense of freedom is really, really important,
0:26:41 > 0:26:45and this, horse riding, is definitely my sense of freedom.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48And, I guess, it's an escapism for me,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51via my post-traumatic stress disorder,
0:26:51 > 0:26:53the memories, the flashbacks...
0:26:53 > 0:26:55It's the one place where I...
0:26:55 > 0:26:57where I feel safe and at home.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12I feel I'm kind of half way recovered, really.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14I still think I've got a lot of work to do,
0:27:14 > 0:27:17and that's mostly around the post-traumatic stress disorder,
0:27:17 > 0:27:19but I've really done well, self-harm-wise,
0:27:19 > 0:27:24and especially with my eating and things like that,
0:27:24 > 0:27:26I've come a long way...
0:27:26 > 0:27:29And, as well, I've not overdosed in a very, very long time.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31I've not tried to take my life in quite a while,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34so, I think that's really important for me to recognise as well,
0:27:34 > 0:27:35for my recovery,
0:27:35 > 0:27:39is how long I've gone without doing these damaging things.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Those who have been brave enough
0:27:41 > 0:27:44to share their stories during this series
0:27:44 > 0:27:47face the prejudice and fear many of us feel about the mentally ill
0:27:47 > 0:27:48every day.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51The aim for psychiatric services in today's Wales
0:27:51 > 0:27:54is to place those with challenging mental conditions
0:27:54 > 0:27:58at the heart of any decisions about treatment in the right environment.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Changing attitudes will take time,
0:28:00 > 0:28:04but the era of treating people in asylums is over
0:28:04 > 0:28:08as professionals and patients now look for a more modern approach.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Many of the mentally ill
0:28:10 > 0:28:13are now being treated alongside the physically ill,
0:28:13 > 0:28:14in purpose-built units,
0:28:14 > 0:28:17helping break down barriers and reduce stigma
0:28:17 > 0:28:21against some of the most marginalised people in our society.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd