0:00:02 > 0:00:05This may be my favourite television programme I ever made.
0:00:05 > 0:00:10It's about small things - tiny, shortened, miniaturised.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12- Good night. - MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Ha-ha, small joke to begin with!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32The overwhelming impulse to take everyday things
0:00:32 > 0:00:35and shrink them down to a scale we can lord it over
0:00:35 > 0:00:38is as old as the human race itself.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42For example, have you ever seen any prehistoric cave paintings?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Well, apart from them being really amateurish,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47just how big are the bison and woolly mammoths in them?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49What, about that big?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Come on, troglodytes, who are you trying to kid?
0:00:51 > 0:00:54I should imagine when they first had a showing
0:00:54 > 0:00:57they invited guests who would've said, "Yeah, it's really nice.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00"Bit little, though, aren't they?" And then one or two others,
0:01:00 > 0:01:04probably cavewomen, will have said, "Oh, I don't know, I like them.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08"They're sweet." And so the tricky concept of 'cute' was born.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Welcome to the real little Britain.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22JOLLY MUSIC
0:01:46 > 0:01:50A particular "well done" to the fella riding the tiny bike in that package.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56He is experiencing everything life has to offer, in my book.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58They say about Sir Christopher Wren
0:01:58 > 0:02:01that if you want to see his monument, then look around you.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03But what of the Dobbins brothers,
0:02:03 > 0:02:07for my money the greatest architects this nation has ever produced.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10How might we observe their legacy?
0:02:10 > 0:02:14You'll have to start by getting down on your hands and knees.
0:02:14 > 0:02:19The Dobbins brothers. Southport in '57, Great Yarmouth in '61,
0:02:19 > 0:02:21and Babbacombe in Torquay in '63.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Very important that we change with the times, keep up with the times,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29that we must keep advancing every day.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32We look for the news and we watch for the...
0:02:32 > 0:02:35different things that are happening. If it's in the papers today,
0:02:35 > 0:02:39you can bet that it will be in the village here tomorrow.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42People love the sense of humour here, but it, er...
0:02:42 > 0:02:44it has times has got me into trouble, yes.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47A few years ago, there was a little beach here
0:02:47 > 0:02:51where quite a few people used to go on in the nude.
0:02:51 > 0:02:57So we made a little beach and we put a few nudes on just to be topical.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02A reverend rang me up, and two ladies rang me up,
0:03:02 > 0:03:03and one or two people complaining,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06they never thought the model village would sink so low.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Me neither! You know, I'm no prude
0:03:08 > 0:03:12but those figures were all a bit too...accurate for my liking.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14There's no need for it.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Living opposite an open-air swimming baths, as I do,
0:03:16 > 0:03:20I see enough miniature shrunken sex organs, thank you very much,
0:03:20 > 0:03:24and we shouldn't be encouraging such decadence among the minuscule.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27It's no wonder they closed down that open sewer in Southport.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Southport was doomed.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33When I realised that the Southport model village was going to cease,
0:03:33 > 0:03:37not only cease but be wiped off the face of the earth,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I was very sad.
0:03:39 > 0:03:44Safeway's now is built on the old site of the model village,
0:03:44 > 0:03:49and when the wife and I now go down to Safeway's, which we do...
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Oh, I-I feel terrible.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56To think that the old model village is no longer there,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58and Safeway's now is on top.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I'll never get over losing Southport. Never.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Never. No.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Well, perhaps you should have thought about that, my friend,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11before you began painting the pants off the tiny townsfolk.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Oh, I know what you're all saying -
0:04:13 > 0:04:16"Come on, Dan, it's only a model village. What's so wicked about that?"
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Well, I take it you know what they use to thatch
0:04:19 > 0:04:22those adorable reduced-sized roofs with?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Human hair!
0:04:24 > 0:04:28It may strike one as unromantic to lop pieces off a lovely girl's hair,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30moth-proof it and stick it on the roof,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32but it's all in a good cause, and it looks decorative
0:04:32 > 0:04:35as well as lifelike, when it's in position.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39The thatch is made of Chinese human hair
0:04:39 > 0:04:44but that costs over £7 a pound, so now we use plumber's hemp.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Hemp!
0:04:45 > 0:04:48So know we can add narcotics to the temptations available
0:04:48 > 0:04:51in these perverted pint-size plots.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Where will the debauchery end?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Well, happily, on such a scale,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58at least we may be spared any crass phallic imagery.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02If you've seen model villages, this is the daddy of them all.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Four acres of it, the biggest and best in the world.
0:05:06 > 0:05:12'Oh, really! What have we become? Tom Thumb, you unspeakable satyr!'
0:05:12 > 0:05:16As you can see, this is Toytown as Sodom and Gomorrah!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18And they're death traps, too. Look!
0:05:22 > 0:05:25If all that wasn't enough, some aspects of these
0:05:25 > 0:05:28what I now like to call "Mayhem Villages"
0:05:28 > 0:05:31are seemingly designed to send you insane.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34In 1935, a Cotswold innkeeper, Mr Morris,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37decided to transform his own vegetable garden.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40But this time it wouldn't be a make-believe village
0:05:40 > 0:05:43but a miniature replica of the real place where he lived,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Bourton-on-the-water in Gloucestershire.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50A model village of a real village must feature a model of itself.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54That model village, too, must have a model, and so on.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00This is the moment, with only a few days to opening,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03when welders, modellers and site workers
0:06:03 > 0:06:06of all sorts are frantically putting the finishing touches
0:06:06 > 0:06:10to something that's been a completely new experience for all of them.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12It's always rather a tense moment
0:06:12 > 0:06:14when one of the major pieces arrives.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17And with the appearance of Westminster Hall,
0:06:17 > 0:06:20due to take its rightful place next to the Houses of Parliament,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22you begin to see why.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26There must be some kind of jinx on Westminster Hall.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Somebody lobbed a bomb into the real one a couple of years ago,
0:06:30 > 0:06:32and now...this.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- CREAKING AND MOANING - His bloody arm!
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Get your arm out, mate.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43SNAPPING AND CREAKING
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- Don't drop it!- Get it out.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03It's going to mean a major patch-up job.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06You know, the Elephant Man took thousands of individual match-sticks
0:07:06 > 0:07:09and created a magnificent model of a cathedral.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Those blokes appear to be working on the opposite idea.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Mr Alf Tabb of Kidderminster riding the smallest ride-able bicycle
0:07:16 > 0:07:20in the world, with three-inch wheels and standing only five inches high.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Mr Tabb is a cycle maker by trade, and the miniatures are his hobby.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27But his physical prowess is particularly remarkable,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30especially when you consider his age. 75, believe it or not.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Mind you, he's been doing it for a few years now.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I'm joined by the Reverend Sir Peter Boothbury,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39a lecturer in scale tensile engineering at the University of Chicago.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41So, Peter, we've had some fun,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- but is there a precedent for the miniature in theology?- Well...
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- PHONE RINGS - One second.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Yeah, hello?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Oh, sure, no problem. OK, sure.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54That was the producer.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56According to Twitter, nobody cares what you've got to say.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59They just want to see more Alf Tabb footage.
0:08:04 > 0:08:09Model maker Bill has been building ships in his flat for over ten years.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13The ship that's really taken over Bill's life and flat is the Corsair.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17a 25-foot scale model of the luxury steam yacht
0:08:17 > 0:08:21takes up so much room there isn't space to swing a cat-o'-nine-tails.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23What do you do when you have company, Bill?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- I don't have any company.- You don't bother?- I don't bother with company.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Bill's not given to dewy-eyed romanticism.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33He chose the Corsair not for its luxury, its opulence or its history,
0:08:33 > 0:08:37but because, when it was finished, it would be the right width.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39And it had dimensions...
0:08:39 > 0:08:42sufficient to allow it to go through the window.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- Now, how wide is your window? - It is 35 inches.- Exactly?- Yes.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51- And how wide is the yacht? - It is 31½ inches.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- 31½? So you've actually got 3½ inches...- I've got quite a few, yes.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58You're absolutely sure about that?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01There is the tape measure behind you.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03So you found a boat with exactly the right width,
0:09:03 > 0:09:07- but what about the length? - Well, that sort of crept up on me.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10How did you feel when it started to creep into the bathroom?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12As I say, I was committed then. I'd built one half of it,
0:09:12 > 0:09:16I couldn't leave a half a boat, so I just carried on.
0:09:16 > 0:09:21I see you've had to make one or two not-so-fancy alterations to the flat.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24This was my own cupboard structures,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27which I hammered out to accommodate the bridge.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Have you been able to calculate how many man-hours have gone into that?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33About 20,000, I should think.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35If Bill remains out of work,
0:09:35 > 0:09:39he reckons he can finish the Corsair in 18 months.
0:09:39 > 0:09:45If he finds a job, it'll take ten years, working evenings and weekends.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48A job would be ideal coming at the end of this, really,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51because then I could probably borrow the firm's lorry,
0:09:51 > 0:09:55if I drove a lorry or something, and it would be equally...
0:09:55 > 0:09:57I could take it in two halves, join it up on the lake and sail it.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01For those of you thinking, "He should get out more," he can't.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03But how could that man be unemployed?
0:10:03 > 0:10:08My wife's been waiting for me to level up the legs on our kitchen table for three years.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10He built an oceangoing liner in two.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Then again, I live in a house, not a dry dock.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Who could put up with that? Well, not many, is the answer,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20and thus a good deal of our dedicated model-makers
0:10:20 > 0:10:23appear to be solely married to their craft.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27They live with balsa wood brides, which can be easier.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Not so many awkward questions.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- That's very fine work, Ken. - Yes, it is very fine work.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37- It's a very fine-edge file.- Need a good pair of eyes for that job.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Oh, you've got to have very good eyes.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42If you've got no eyes, you can't do the job at all.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- Ken, everything you make is wood? - Everything is wood.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51The pinpoint detail of the tiny engines at Banbury Sheds
0:10:51 > 0:10:55is repeated on a grander scale in Ken Rotherham's masterpiece,
0:10:55 > 0:10:59his seven-foot long by four-foot wide model of Paddington Station,
0:10:59 > 0:11:02headquarters of the old Great Western Railway.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- This facade is magnificent, Ken, isn't it?- Yes, it is.
0:11:09 > 0:11:14- You started when you were 16.- Yes. - You're 41 now...- And I'm 41 now.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18- ..and you've been working on it ever since?- And I've been working on it ever since.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21I think of it while I'm at work,
0:11:21 > 0:11:25and, er, when I get home, tea's ready,
0:11:25 > 0:11:28sometimes I have not got time to even eat my tea
0:11:28 > 0:11:30because I long to get on my model.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34And sometimes I can't sleep cos it's a worry on my mind.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Don't you ever take a holiday from it, Ken?
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Well, when I go on holiday, I take it with me, and sit on the beach.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- Well, wh...- And I take it shopping with me.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47What does the missus think with you going along with her, you know,
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- with a bit of wood?- Well, at one time she used to get annoyed.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Every time we were going out, I'd say, "Wait a minute,"
0:11:53 > 0:11:56and she said, "If we've got to wait for you, we'll wait all day long.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00"You'll never get away from that at all. I'll be glad when you've finished it."
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Well, in another three years, anyway, you'll have finished it.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05What are you going to do then?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Well, that's often crossed my mind,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11and I don't know what I'm going to do with it.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15As, er, my wife says, it's too big.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18At the end of the show, there will be a phone number for anybody
0:12:18 > 0:12:21who has been affected by the issues raised in tonight's programme.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24We'd particularly like to hear from other men whose wives
0:12:24 > 0:12:28won't let them bring Paddington Station on holiday with them.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Obsessive modelling is nothing to be ashamed of.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32We want you to know you're not alone.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Although, actually, you probably are.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39So, what is it about the allure of little locomotives in particular
0:12:39 > 0:12:41that so governs the male senses?
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Yes, you.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49How long is this programme?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Because, if you ask me a question like that,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I can go on quite happily for the next 3½ hours.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Oh, I see. These hams are only economical with material
0:13:00 > 0:13:02when it comes to hammering away at the hobby.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07The layout represents part of the old Great Western line
0:13:07 > 0:13:11in South Devon, as it was about 1935.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16Great Western was described, probably by Brunel, rather aptly,
0:13:16 > 0:13:18as a line built by gentlemen for gentlemen.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21It isn't so much a question of playing trains here.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24We operate an actual timetable,
0:13:24 > 0:13:30taken from the Great Western's operating timetable of 1938.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Of course! Otherwise the whole thing would be pointless.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37We work it, as far as we possibly can,
0:13:37 > 0:13:40to the actual signalling regulations
0:13:40 > 0:13:44that the Great Western were running under in 1938.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47The signalling apparatus is simple enough.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50These two are double line absolute block instruments,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53these are the bells relating to them.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57If we were going to have a trip out, we were offering a stopping train forward.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00We should call the signalman's attention with one beat on the bell.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02That would be answered by a single beat.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Then, we should describe the train -
0:14:05 > 0:14:08in this case a stopping passenger -
0:14:08 > 0:14:10three beats, with a pause and one beat.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12BELL RINGS THREE TIMES
0:14:12 > 0:14:13BELL RINGS
0:14:13 > 0:14:17And then, he would give us the "line clear" on his instrument.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18I shall have to do it.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23We have an interesting problem in that the LMS have offered us
0:14:23 > 0:14:27the Aberdeen sleepers, approximately two hours behind time.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Very well. Geoff?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Hello, Ted?
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Aberdeen's two hours down.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38And I've got a stopping freight through for you.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Can you take it as a 341?
0:14:41 > 0:14:42OK, Ted.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44I'll put it online to you as that.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48BELLS RING
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Things are a little more complicated here
0:14:56 > 0:15:00because we don't work to ordinary time.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Obviously we can't spend 24 hours in here working
0:15:02 > 0:15:04through a 24-hour schedule.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07So, we have a clock which has been doctored to run eight
0:15:07 > 0:15:10times as fast as any normal clock.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12We work to this.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16This gives us a schedule of 180 train movements within 24 hours,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19within a compass of three hours of actual time.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Meanwhile, back at the font, newborn babies are having to christen
0:15:22 > 0:15:26themselves because Casey Jones there has got a loose caboose.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Still, it can't be a carefree life knowing your entire universe
0:15:30 > 0:15:34is always just one power cut away from total paralysis.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Then there are the natural hazards any major network has to face.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Always a good train this, all the way from Glasgow.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Now going up through St Pancras.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53What's happening now?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Got a train stuck at St Pancras.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Have to go up there and see what's wrong.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01You do get these things go wrong sometimes
0:16:01 > 0:16:03and here's one gone wrong now.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07I think we'd better go and have a look at it.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Think it might be a crash?
0:16:09 > 0:16:10- No.- Derailment?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13No, it wouldn't be a derailment. It might be mice.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Blooming mice with their flipping insistence on the empirical -
0:16:17 > 0:16:18denying the otherwise obvious
0:16:18 > 0:16:23reality of the 9.25 from Glasgow Central to London, St Pancras.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Calling at the kitchen, the downstairs toilet,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28the back porch and that little cupboard under the stairs.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I mean he had the hat on and everything. Mice!
0:16:30 > 0:16:33I bet it was that stuck up Angelina Ballerina and her friends.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Them and all their exquisitely furnished homes.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Dennis Hillman lives in Sussex, his wife goes out to work
0:16:40 > 0:16:43and he works at home, all alone.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47A Louis XIV commode, oak frame, veneered with Makassar Ebony and
0:16:47 > 0:16:49panels of padauk,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52lined with ofara and inlaid with tulipwood,
0:16:52 > 0:16:54rosewood and iron.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Marble top and ormolu mounts.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00A little drawer at the back to hold the keys in case they get lost.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02The chevron veneer is the most difficult to do,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05as one is bending it against its will.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Of course, it didn't reckon with Dennis Hillman.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13I suddenly realised, when I was holding a piece in my hand,
0:17:13 > 0:17:20that the models are not miniature to me, but are in fact full-size.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24His pieces fetch between £60 and £1,200.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28But if you bought one, you would get something that would last.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33And it's not even glued yet.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Not even Dennis Hillman would try to sit in one of his chairs.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41In the world of infinitesimal fixtures and fittings,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44putting your full weight on a piece is the acid test
0:17:44 > 0:17:47to see if you have a genuine Dennis Hillman.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54That one's a fake.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57The studio seems to be full of miniature animals today,
0:17:57 > 0:18:01because a few weeks ago, Megan and Gwyneth Northwood of Warwickshire
0:18:01 > 0:18:04wrote to us to tell us about a very rare breed of miniature cow.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Tell me, is Nicky old enough to be milked yet?
0:18:07 > 0:18:08No.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12How old will she have to be before you can give your dad a hand
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- to milk her?- Erm...two.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16You'll be able to give your dad a hand when he does the milking.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Will he use a machine or will he use his hands?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20He'll use his hands.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22You'll be able to have a go at doing that, won't you?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Have you any idea why a milking stool has only got three legs?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Shall I tell you?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Because the cow's got the "udder".
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Get it? - Who the hell is this rube?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Anyway...
0:18:33 > 0:18:36We've got a chance to compare this one with a full-size cow -
0:18:36 > 0:18:37it's not a Guernsey,
0:18:37 > 0:18:40but it is another Channel Island breed called a Jersey,
0:18:40 > 0:18:45and we have Gwyneth's sister coming in now, this is Megan with Delilah.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47# My, my, my, Delilah. #
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Isn't she gorgeous?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Now, Megan, what about her? Is she being milked at the moment?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Yes.- How many gallons of milk a day does she give?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- About five.- Do you get lots of cream from her?- Yes.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Well, they're both tucking in, aren't they?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Do you get nice Jersey cream?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Yes.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06What does your mum make with the cream?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Can you turn round this way? Then we can see you.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10What does she make with the cream?
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Milkshake.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Wonderful - Jersey cream milkshakes. That's tremendous.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Thanks for coming along.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Now, we've got time for the dressing up....
0:19:24 > 0:19:26I'll get it right in a moment.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Simon Groom putting the udder into shudder there.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Every presenter's worst nightmare.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Time suddenly standing still - except it didn't.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39In those drowning moments before the next segment seemed to bring
0:19:39 > 0:19:42the sweet release of death, there was enough time to count out
0:19:42 > 0:19:44a heavyweight boxer - watch.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48One, two, three, four, five,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51six, seven, eight, nine, ten!
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- You're out - that's it. - Some news about the...
0:19:54 > 0:19:57dressing up which I was telling you about earlier...
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Somebody wasn't paying attention at the read-through, were they?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02"Simon? Simon?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04"Are you getting all this?" "Yep, yep.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05"Little cows, cute kids,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08"the gag about the stool - it's all in here, got it."
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Then come showtime, yes, the miniature beef but
0:20:11 > 0:20:15what about the MASSIVE egg - and all over his face!
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Attention to detail, Simon, that's the name of the game.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Just look at her.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Isn't she a thing of delicacy and beauty?
0:20:24 > 0:20:28I know. De-lickassy. I've never heard it pronounced that way.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31And I've heard polo ponies pronounced "poloponies".
0:20:31 > 0:20:33But we can overlook that peculiar delivery
0:20:33 > 0:20:36because that man is the titan of the titchy,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39the Maharaja of the model kit - Mr Bob Symes,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42whose TV career covered anything and everything
0:20:42 > 0:20:45that came in a kit form and simultaneously
0:20:45 > 0:20:50assembled himself a sizable set of simian stalwarts along the way.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Roy Dealy is using me as a subject for one of his military models.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Roy, is this pose all right?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Yes, that's fine, Bob. Hold it right there.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01What I'm doing now, I've got the pose
0:21:01 > 0:21:05and I'm going to apply your beard.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08And this we put on with a liquid plastic.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11It does take a little while to harden off.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Once it's hard, it is, in effect,
0:21:13 > 0:21:17welded onto the base plastic and becomes part of it.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20The hobby now has developed to such an extent
0:21:20 > 0:21:21that it is a true art from.
0:21:21 > 0:21:26For instance, this model of the Western Front in 1916.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29You can actually show people what it was like to be there.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33Let's turn to the lesser horrors of the Second World War's battlefields.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Well, there's your finished self, Bob.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Yes, I wish I was as slim as that nowadays.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Well, let's put you back into the mid-war years in the Western Desert.
0:21:41 > 0:21:46Go and have a cup of tea with some of the boys.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48I suppose I look slightly out of place amongst all these soldiers,
0:21:48 > 0:21:51but I was there all right.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I had a car just like this and I wish I still had it.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Unfortunately, I wrote mine off at Silverstone some time ago.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02These radio-controlled model racing cars hit speeds of more
0:22:02 > 0:22:03than 60 miles per hour,
0:22:03 > 0:22:05which if you scaled it up,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08would be well in excess of 400 miles per hour.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14The accidents look horrific but, of course, they're never fatal.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Well, that was pretty exciting.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19When we talked about this place, it seemed to have real,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21live people in it.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Yes, over the course of building we have, in fact,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- built up a real living community. - Have you got a mill?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Yes, the mill's no longer working, I'm afraid, now.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Old Mr Hobbs passed away a few days ago.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35I see you have some sheep in the pen in your goods yard.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37They've been recently sold, have they?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Yes, Quibble and Cuss, the auctioneers,
0:22:40 > 0:22:42sold them to the local abattoir.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Now, along the railway line, next to the station, you've got Hobbs.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50It's now been taken over by the son of Hobbs, the miller,
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- as a transport business. - It's got a good position for that.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56And right behind Hobbs is the church
0:22:56 > 0:23:00and I see the grave-digger is digging away there.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- You've had a recent bereavement. - Yes, Mr Hobbs, the Miller.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Oh, that's sad, but I presume his son is carrying on the business.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Yes, he is indeed.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10In the days when Dr Beeching chopped off branch lines
0:23:10 > 0:23:13with a blunt axe, I tried to resurrect one of them,
0:23:13 > 0:23:17the Waverley line, the line that runs between Carlisle and Edinburgh.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Unfortunately, nothing came of it.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Well, Bob, you said bushes so now let's put in some trees.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24The prescription for trees,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27some hairy string from your friendly newsagent.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- Just ordinary string. - Just ordinary, hairy string.
0:23:31 > 0:23:36- And there is your tree.- I think that is quite remarkable.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37OK, boys, lower it in.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40WINCH SQUEAKS
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Well, there it is.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47The great Bob Symes, who, at his peak, was selling
0:23:47 > 0:23:5120,000 boxes of his beard in kit form every week.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Indeed, so popular an accessory did it prove that in 1971,
0:23:55 > 0:23:59his facial hair-construction sets surpassed the sales of similar
0:23:59 > 0:24:01replica beards of James Robinson Justice
0:24:01 > 0:24:03and post-Beatle Paul McCartney combined.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07It wasn't until Christmas four years later, that he was toppled from
0:24:07 > 0:24:10his perch as the nation's favourite dealer in the undersized,
0:24:10 > 0:24:13when a pair of shrunken sporting sensations began to sprawl
0:24:13 > 0:24:18across Britain's carpeting, Scalextric and Subbuteo.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Go!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- Yours is off.- Where's yours? - Mine's off!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28You've got it the wrong way round.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35As a product showcase, this couldn't be going better, could it?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Is yours going, Val?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- Which track am I on? - I will play four then.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44- Down the bottom there. - Who's winning, by the way?- I am.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47At least you could blame the props there.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52Everything you are about to see can only be classified as human error.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56- There's the Welsh team, playing with flippers, by the looks of it.- Yes!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Bella, come on!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00It's a game of delicate skill,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03speed and mental ability.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Who do you want to avoid in the draw?
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Only McGiffen.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12By the second day of the competition, the two fiercest
0:25:12 > 0:25:16rivals in Subbuteo had been drawn to face each other.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Carl Young is the maverick of the British game, highly
0:25:19 > 0:25:23critical of Subbuteo's rulers and by his own admission, highly strung.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29By contrast, the McGiffens are Subbuteo's first family,
0:25:29 > 0:25:30part of the game's establishment.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32John is among the top six in the world
0:25:32 > 0:25:36and the man who has helped put him there is his father, Bob, former
0:25:36 > 0:25:39player, now international referee and elder statesman of Subbuteo.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41By the morning of the game though,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Bob McGiffen stood accused of trying to sort out his son's opponent,
0:25:44 > 0:25:47man-to-man, and Carl Young was furious.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48In front of a coachload of people,
0:25:48 > 0:25:50as I got on the coach with him,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53he started spitting at me, pushing me down the aisle
0:25:53 > 0:25:55so as I sat down, he put two fingers...
0:25:55 > 0:25:58tried to poke my eyes out and as he got off the coach,
0:25:58 > 0:26:00he elbowed me in the back of the head.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Witnesses confirmed Carl Young's story
0:26:03 > 0:26:05but Mr McGiffen was having none of it.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06I don't know how he can say that.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10After the evening meal last night, we had a bit of...
0:26:10 > 0:26:14good-humoured banter that he didn't want to participate in.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16OK, I will declare a disinterest here.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20The only thing that leaves me colder than Subbuteo are blokes who
0:26:20 > 0:26:23play Subbuteo. Haven't they noticed there is no game there?
0:26:23 > 0:26:27All that ridiculous apparatus and you could just as easily
0:26:27 > 0:26:30waste the same time with a pea and two matchboxes.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34But such a football junkie am I, that even with this wee nonsense,
0:26:34 > 0:26:38I just have to know how this big weeing contest turns out.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41We join it at 2-2.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44- He's in the shooting area. - Yes.- With a gap.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- And takes full advantage of it. - Absolutely good goal.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51No shouting now. It's all concentration.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- No time now for McGiffen. It's all over.- That's it.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Carl, jubilant with victory there.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Heard Carl Young shouting 'justice' there.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11Well, these two had a score to settle and it has been settled in favour
0:27:11 > 0:27:15of the Welsh boy, Carl Young. John McGiffen doesn't want to know.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Well, there has been bad blood between these two.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Let's hope now it's settled once and for all.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23HE SIGHS
0:27:23 > 0:27:25People of Earth, you can
0:27:25 > 0:27:28pray to whatever God you like but is there any better example
0:27:28 > 0:27:32that as long as blokes run this planet, there will never be peace?
0:27:32 > 0:27:37So, how now to retrieve what should've been the nicest show in this series?
0:27:37 > 0:27:41Well, I had to look back into my distant past and under regression,
0:27:41 > 0:27:44try to find why it was that the prospect of parading
0:27:44 > 0:27:48miniature creations tonight so warmed my heart. And I found it.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51A little series that acted upon me as a child,
0:27:51 > 0:27:55like wrapping my newborn mind in a velvet blanket -
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Tales From The Riverbank -
0:27:57 > 0:28:00tiny world, tiny props, tiny cast.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03It's been a huge pleasure. Good night.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Guinea pig appears on the scene.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17Well, fellas, you've wandered a little far from home, haven't you?
0:28:17 > 0:28:20The guinea pig suggests that perhaps he could give them
0:28:20 > 0:28:25a ride back home in his car. Hammy accepts immediately.
0:28:25 > 0:28:30Hammy has a terrible job trying to get into the car. He's so excited.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32What a fuss.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Please can we start?
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Oh, dear me. I wish they'd go.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Now, that's what I call a good run.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59# Driving that train
0:28:59 > 0:29:01# High on cocaine
0:29:01 > 0:29:04# Casey Jones is ready
0:29:04 > 0:29:06# Watch your speed
0:29:06 > 0:29:08# Trouble ahead
0:29:08 > 0:29:10# Trouble behind
0:29:10 > 0:29:13# And you know that notion
0:29:13 > 0:29:16# Just crossed my mind. #