0:00:02 > 0:00:05Good evening. Before you're settled, I'd like to UNSETTLE you
0:00:05 > 0:00:07with an absolute bombshell of a statement -
0:00:07 > 0:00:11- "Monumental statuary died with the advent of the trouser". - DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:00:11 > 0:00:13There, I've said it. Think about that.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17You rarely see a statue of a person in trousers and ask yourselves why.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21Because trousers on a statue just look like fat legs.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Oh, the sculpturists were on easy street
0:00:23 > 0:00:26while all "great men" strode around nude
0:00:26 > 0:00:28or in gartered breeches or a toga
0:00:28 > 0:00:32but as soon as we began slipping into anything with a belt
0:00:32 > 0:00:35or that came in a relaxed fit, the game was up.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38They can't even stick our heroes on a horse any more and who,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41for crying out loud, wants to see a statue of a king in a car?
0:00:41 > 0:00:44That'd be ridiculous!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Even the Flintstones didn't have a stone car, did they?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48- I mean, where are we? - NEEDLE SCRATCHES
0:00:48 > 0:00:50I'm sorry.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53As you can see, this is a highly emotive subject for me
0:00:53 > 0:00:55and I'm getting ahead of myself.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Let me start again.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Tonight's programme examines the TV history of statues.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Statues! Oh! It's going to be ripe!
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Nobody knows how statues got going.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Not the most academic statement,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26but they are bizarre, old things, aren't they?
0:01:26 > 0:01:31Possibly, an early caveman looked at a rock and said to his chum,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34"Is it me or does that boulder look like John's wife, Wendy?"
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Then with a piece of flint he just went ahead and finished the job.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Bingo! Statues have started. Now, they're everywhere.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44MUSIC: "Eye Level" by The Simon Park Orchestra
0:02:15 > 0:02:19I think it's fair to say we're all mesmerised by statues.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Transfixed. How much easier would it be to get about town
0:02:22 > 0:02:26if we didn't always have to stop, ponder, and yes, sometimes weep
0:02:26 > 0:02:30at the foot of some newly erected public figure?
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Nobody takes them for granted,
0:02:31 > 0:02:33despite what some obsessives believe.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Thousands of people must pass this statue every day
0:02:37 > 0:02:41without having the faintest idea who it is.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43I'm pretty certain you haven't either.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47It's Spencer Compton, Eighth Duke of Devonshire.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51What was his claim to fame? Well, he had two great claims to fame.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55First, he had an absolutely uproarious love affair
0:02:55 > 0:02:56with a tart named Skittles.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00And his other claim to fame was that on two occasions,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03he refused the job of Prime Minister.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04That's quite something.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I don't buy a word of that -
0:03:06 > 0:03:09although Skittles IS a brilliant name for a tart.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13But how can this man, so preoccupied with historic strumpets,
0:03:13 > 0:03:17claim WE don't notice a statue of the Eighth Duke Of Devonshire
0:03:17 > 0:03:23when he hasn't even noticed that His Grace himself is standing right behind him!
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Most likely on his way to a rendezvous with Skittles herself.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32Oh, yes, the history of monumental TV is littered with half-truths.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Though, as ever, when in doubt, dial a Dimbleby.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Good evening. Hello.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I've noticed what I dare say many of you have noticed, too,
0:03:40 > 0:03:44the extraordinary number of statues that there are about the place.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Now, for example, in Trafalgar Square,
0:03:46 > 0:03:50I also found what must be the most beautiful equestrian statue
0:03:50 > 0:03:53in London - King Charles I at the top of Whitehall.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58I found two statue cleaners from the Ministry of Works,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00giving the king a wash and brush up.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04And it struck me that they must have a very interesting job.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Polishing a horse's bum?
0:04:05 > 0:04:09You know, it strikes me that polishing a horse's arse
0:04:09 > 0:04:11is pretty much the sole duty
0:04:11 > 0:04:13of Simon Cowell's make-up lady. Ha! Anyway...
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Hello, how do you do? You've never fallen off the top of one of those?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- You bet I have!- Which one?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Abraham Lincoln, I lost two teeth!
0:04:29 > 0:04:31This is Toxteth, Liverpool.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Here, on the wall of a Methodist church, is the site of a new statue.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40A larger than life-size figure of the resurrection by Arthur Dooley.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41That's it? OK.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I'll just have a look for the gear.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53LOUD WHIRRING
0:04:53 > 0:05:01WHIRRING DROWNS SPEECH
0:05:04 > 0:05:07LOUD WHIRRING
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Oh, don't wince like that!
0:05:09 > 0:05:11What you're witnessing here is bold!
0:05:11 > 0:05:15It's the Omar Sharif's entrance into Lawrence Of Arabia...
0:05:15 > 0:05:17of irritating blender footage.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21I suggested, "Let's put a multi-racial Christ up.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23"Winning HERE, not in the next world."
0:05:23 > 0:05:27That pie-in-the-sky thing has played out.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30We want it now, you know? And they bought it.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I don't know exactly what he's going to do,
0:05:32 > 0:05:34and I don't think, at this stage,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Arthur fully knows how he's going to work this thing out.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40How much remains to be done to the face?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Are you going to give it a great deal more expression
0:05:42 > 0:05:46- or are you going to leave it this blank...?- That's the second one.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48I took one off that wasn't good enough.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I'm happy with it now I've got something to work on.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53So, I'm not even bothered about it.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I unveil this piece of sculpture
0:05:55 > 0:05:58depicting the resurrection of Jesus Christ.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59GROANS, MURMURING
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Praying that God, who inspired the work,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05will speak his own word though it.
0:06:05 > 0:06:10- What have been the reactions from your congregation?- Very mixed.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Do you think he looks like that?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15I mean, no-one's ever really seen him, but, um...
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I think it's revolting.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19"Revolting"? Too strong.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Though not as harsh as the little kid who made a throwing up noise
0:06:22 > 0:06:24when the sheet came off it.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Uggghhh!
0:06:25 > 0:06:29The unveiling ceremony, of course, has a powerful hold upon us all.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31As a nation, indeed, as a species,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35we yearn to see a finely hewn hunk of marble or bronze
0:06:35 > 0:06:39dramatically released from its tarpaulin hideaway.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41I believe it was Socrates, or possibly Eminem,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44who put it best, when they said, "Come on, Pop.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46"Let the top drop. And show us the prop."
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Mrs Pankhurst has won...
0:06:51 > 0:06:55..for herself a niche...
0:06:55 > 0:06:57..in the temple of fame
0:06:57 > 0:07:00which will last for all time.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02SHOUTS OF "HEAR, HEAR!"
0:07:02 > 0:07:05APPLAUSE
0:07:05 > 0:07:07BRASS BAND PLAYS
0:07:20 > 0:07:22SILENCE
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Come on, everyone. Applause, applause, applause.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Lord Elpus has come a long way to be with us today!
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- APPLAUSE - That's better.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:38 > 0:07:43In honour of the memory of Henry Croft, the first Pearly King,
0:07:43 > 0:07:45I unveil this statue.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50GASPS AND MURMURS
0:07:50 > 0:07:53APPLAUSE
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Actual gasp of awe, there! That's more like it.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58And did you see the size of those crowds?
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Now that's a turn out for an unveiling, isn't it?
0:08:02 > 0:08:03You wouldn't get that today, I grant you.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07But back in the '30s, getting an early glimpse of a new statue wasn't
0:08:07 > 0:08:10a niche event, it was a huge national deal.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Sort of Britain's Got Chisels.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Incidentally, did you catch Lord Elpus'
0:08:15 > 0:08:18ad-lib at the end of his speech? Listen again.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Just after his fine words climax,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23he mutters the stage instruction, "Now the trumpets."
0:08:23 > 0:08:24And trumpets there are!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Now the trumpets.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29TRUMPETS PLAY
0:08:29 > 0:08:32You see? Total control.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36And that's why he earned the big bucks for those gigs. He's the best.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Of course, you have to be very careful with these things
0:08:38 > 0:08:42that your chosen unveiler doesn't outshine the unveilee.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Perhaps that's why so many committees and corporations
0:08:45 > 0:08:50play rather safe when it comes to one particular chosen subject.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Somebody even the Queen herself can barely upstage.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57By the way, look out for some champion nervous lip licking here
0:08:57 > 0:08:59alongside Her Majesty.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03APPLAUSE
0:09:16 > 0:09:18NEWSREEL: 'Nearly a tonne of belligerent bronze...'
0:09:18 > 0:09:21'Two tonnes of Churchill in bronze.'
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Mr McFolley, there are lot of uncomplimentary things that have been
0:09:26 > 0:09:31- said about this and the gorilla-like caricature.- Well, you can see for
0:09:31 > 0:09:35- yourself they are quite without foundation.- Do you feel you have
0:09:35 > 0:09:39- brought out every facet of Sir Winston's character? - No. It wasn't my
0:09:39 > 0:09:45endeavour to bring out every facet of his character, but I claim that I
0:09:45 > 0:09:49have revealed the most dominant characteristics of Sir Winston, for
0:09:49 > 0:09:55example, the great breadth of his brow
0:09:55 > 0:09:57and, er..
0:09:57 > 0:10:01the slightly hooded eyelids which reveal his warm humanity.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Now the aim of this programme is to celebrate the sculptor's gift,
0:10:05 > 0:10:06not to denigrate.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09But the only Winston that thing looks a bit like is Ray.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14Maybe the artist has just sculpted the entirely wrong English
0:10:14 > 0:10:18hero by mistake. Aiming for Churchill, he has in fact
0:10:18 > 0:10:19delivered Noel Coward.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21# Mad dogs and Englishmen... #
0:10:21 > 0:10:23On the other hand, this is your second attempt, isn't it?
0:10:23 > 0:10:29Yes. I offered my sponsors two distinct versions.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33My first is shown here.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Sir Winston stands with his fists clenched
0:10:37 > 0:10:41and in a somewhat theatrical position.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47The test which we applied was to cover the head
0:10:47 > 0:10:52and then I asked my sponsors who this could be.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Oh, I don't know, standing like this? Larry Grayson?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58See, here's the problem.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Statues famously have permanence.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Sculpting is the only job in the world where you can't use
0:11:04 > 0:11:07the phrase, "All right, calm down, it's not set in stone."
0:11:07 > 0:11:11The fact is, no public monument ever takes its place in a town square
0:11:11 > 0:11:15without having been preceded by a very cultured, very frank,
0:11:15 > 0:11:19very adult, very British verbal bloodbath.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Which brings us to the great steel structure Of Sheffield.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25They invented stainless steel in Sheffield.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29So, I thought very early on how very lovely to have something
0:11:29 > 0:11:31made of stainless steel.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Rarely used for sculpture on a large-scale, it's expensive,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36very difficult to make. So...
0:11:36 > 0:11:39there was my starting point.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43He knew what was wanted in terms of scale
0:11:43 > 0:11:46and in terms of size or perhaps more importantly
0:11:46 > 0:11:49in terms of size and scale
0:11:49 > 0:11:51and he, erm...
0:11:51 > 0:11:53came up with an idea.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57When I saw the first maquette...
0:11:57 > 0:12:00A maquette is just a fancy name for a little model.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02..I was appalled. I thought it looked awful.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Certainly everybody's opinion is worth listening to,
0:12:05 > 0:12:07not necessarily worth taking.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12The client is usually deeply concerned and usually
0:12:12 > 0:12:15an intelligent fellow like oneself and if he says, don't you think
0:12:15 > 0:12:19it should be like this, you either say, by Jove, you're right,
0:12:19 > 0:12:23marvellous, that sort of help is terrific...
0:12:23 > 0:12:25or you say, no, I don't and these are my reasons.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28And if he still doesn't like it, well, then, to hell with him!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30We will return to that particular unfolding drama
0:12:30 > 0:12:33elsewhere in tonight's programme. Also, if there's time,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I'll be showing you how you can sculpt a tribute
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- to the councillor's hair... - I was appalled...
0:12:38 > 0:12:41..using just three boxes of Brillo pads and a memory of Danny La Rue
0:12:41 > 0:12:42in everyday clothes.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46# His name was Rico He wore a diamond. #
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Ultimately, of course, you can't please everyone and what one person
0:12:50 > 0:12:54sees as the perfect classical melding of form, grandeur
0:12:54 > 0:12:58and deep spiritual nourishment might always make the person next to them
0:12:58 > 0:13:00go, "Ha-ha-ha!"
0:13:00 > 0:13:02This is the spare fig leaf
0:13:02 > 0:13:05for the Achilles statue in Hyde Park.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10We carry this because when the statue was originally...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12erected...
0:13:12 > 0:13:15it was completely naked. Achilles was completely naked
0:13:15 > 0:13:18and the women of England who had subscribed to the statue
0:13:18 > 0:13:20were quite horrified!
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Immediately steps were taken to rectify this
0:13:23 > 0:13:27and Achilles was provided with a fig leaf.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Some five years or so ago, this fig leaf was removed
0:13:31 > 0:13:33and very quickly we had to replace it
0:13:33 > 0:13:36and so in case this happens again, we carry a spare one
0:13:36 > 0:13:40so that we can immediately take action to cover him up if necessary.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44I mean, fair play to him for playing that entire scene
0:13:44 > 0:13:47with a straight bat. And, yes, I know, you up the back,
0:13:47 > 0:13:51I do know he hesitated fatefully before one particular word.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54When the statue was originally... erected...
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Oh, please. Stop that tiresome giggling, will you?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00May I remind you, your accumulative age as an audience,
0:14:00 > 0:14:05based on the most recent figures, is 11,672,000 years old.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Can we grow up a bit?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10If we are going to seriously examine public statues then
0:14:10 > 0:14:14obviously there's going to be lots and lots of talk about erections.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Many of them sizeable and handsome. Oh, come on!
0:14:18 > 0:14:21You may as well snigger at the word "bullocks".
0:14:21 > 0:14:26I want to see a statue, a big statue, of a genuine Hereford bull.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30The Hereford bull is like the British Empire used to be.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32The sun never sets on it.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36What do you think about the idea to erect a statue to a Hereford bull
0:14:36 > 0:14:40- in town?- It wants it. - It wants it?- Definitely.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Well, it seems a singularly appropriate thing to do.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45You mean in the centre of High Town?
0:14:45 > 0:14:49We're not sure where they are going to put it. Where would you put it?
0:14:49 > 0:14:50I think perhaps in High Town.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I would like to have it put in the middle of a roundabout
0:14:53 > 0:14:57situated at the junction of the ring road
0:14:57 > 0:15:00with Commercial Street and Commercial Road.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04If you consider what they have done in America for Lincoln,
0:15:04 > 0:15:09what they used to do for Stalin in Russia before he fell into discredit,
0:15:09 > 0:15:11it was two or three times the real size.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- How big would you like to see it? - Tremendous size.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Same size as an ordinary bull.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Big as possible.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Oh, 500 feet!
0:15:20 > 0:15:24- About 500 feet?- You like Herefords that much, do you?- Yes.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27That pan-Hereford pine for a bovine shrine
0:15:27 > 0:15:32actually bore fruit in 2012 when a solid bronze of the revered beast
0:15:32 > 0:15:35was finally plonked down in the town centre.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37You mean in the centre of High Town?
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Though only life-size sadly and not the 500 feet of tribute
0:15:41 > 0:15:44as requested by that one blue-sky thinker.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Can you imagine 500 feet of cow flesh?
0:15:48 > 0:15:49That's Herculean!
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Or, as Eric Pickles calls it, a sandwich.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Oh, and speaking of Hercules...
0:15:54 > 0:15:55FEROCIOUS GROWLING
0:15:55 > 0:15:58NEWS REPORT: A big statue to remember an even bigger personality.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01This life-sized carving of Hercules the bear
0:16:01 > 0:16:04has been unveiled in woodland in North Uist.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07It's a spot that is very special to Andy and Maggie Robin.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10It's the scene of their beloved bear's biggest adventure.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Hercules the grisly bear,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15which went missing in the Outer Hebrides last month, has been seen
0:16:15 > 0:16:17alive and apparently well.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19'Reports of other sightings came in,
0:16:19 > 0:16:23'among them Alistair MacDonald and his neighbour, Angus MacDonald.'
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- You actually saw the bear?- Yes. - From what distance?
0:16:25 > 0:16:30- Be about a mile or so. - And what was he doing?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32He was just walking across the moors, you know.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35The police chased it for three or four miles
0:16:35 > 0:16:36and then it eluded us altogether.
0:16:36 > 0:16:41In fact, he was found on North Uist. 15 miles from Benbecula.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44The Robins raised Hercules from a cub
0:16:44 > 0:16:47and Andy intended to incorporate him in his wrestling act.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Wait, whoa, wait... his wrestling act?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53The bear was part of a Highland wrestling act?
0:16:53 > 0:16:58How could the reporter just deliver that incendiary titbit so calmly -
0:16:58 > 0:17:01no surprise, no chuckle in his voice, no censure. Listen.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04'Andy intended to incorporate him in his wrestling act.'
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Today on TV there'd be about 20 exclamation marks after that
0:17:07 > 0:17:11phrase in case we didn't "get" how insane it is.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13A bear in his wrestling act.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Maybe he was making it up.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Oh, no, he wasn't!
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I don't think he would ever, ever turn on me,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24but don't let's forget it is a very,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27very dangerous thing to wrestle Hercules,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30because he's 32 stone just now and stretches to nearly seven feet.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34And if he hooks you accidentally, catches any part of your body,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36you are a goner.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Look at him there. He's just beautiful.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41One swipe of these big paws and the wife'd be a goner.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44When he was finally found, his Hebridean exploits
0:17:44 > 0:17:46shot Hercules to stardom.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48He was voted Scottish Personality of the Year.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52Well, there's one in the eye for previous winner Sheena Easton.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55People have always said that bears have no expressions,
0:17:55 > 0:17:59- but you can read his face.- A lot of rubbish. Look at him there.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02His expressions change every ten minutes.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05I'll just go and get him some Coca-Cola.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Get him some Coca-Cola.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11He was eating baked beans and Coca-Cola. Beans and Coca-Cola.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14And, be fair, he looked great on it, a lot better than
0:18:14 > 0:18:18the only other species who exclusively share that diet -
0:18:18 > 0:18:19teenagers.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Seriously, I don't think his tag-team partner did too much
0:18:22 > 0:18:25research on bears in the wild before buying Hercules, do you?
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Or he would have noticed under "what bears eat", it said,
0:18:29 > 0:18:33baked beans - no. Human beans - yes!
0:18:33 > 0:18:34FEROCIOUS GROWLING
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Let us ingest a small palate cleanser at this point.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Remember David Wynne, the artist
0:18:39 > 0:18:42whose bold vision was being worn away by a meddling bureaucracy?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44How's he doing?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- I think you want one leg off.- Yes.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51- Yes, at least.- I reckon you want to take the two arms...
0:18:51 > 0:18:54up there. There's no room for a clean joint. We'll have to cut
0:18:54 > 0:18:58straight and that wants to come off about there.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Well, if we're having one leg off
0:19:00 > 0:19:03might it not be as well just to have them both off?
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Up to you.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Taking the legs off that now.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Seems to me the council didn't so much want the statue
0:19:09 > 0:19:10as the plinth it stands on.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Still, that would cut down on maintenance
0:19:13 > 0:19:17and be in no doubt, statues require constant maintenance, else lose
0:19:17 > 0:19:19ground to their eternal enemy -
0:19:19 > 0:19:22the cursed bums of passing birds.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Over the last month,
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Nelson's Column has had over 600 weight of droppings cleaned off it.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29And the other week I went along there
0:19:29 > 0:19:31to see how they were getting on.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- You go first and I'll follow.- OK.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36If you're expecting something facetious now
0:19:36 > 0:19:38because it's Blue Peter, think again.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40This footage is too breathtaking -
0:19:40 > 0:19:43children's television as imagined by Alfred Hitchcock
0:19:43 > 0:19:47and the entire team deserve nothing but total respect.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I think I'll have a little rest.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53'Our cameraman, Terry, was waiting at the top
0:19:53 > 0:19:56'and he really did have a bird's-eye view of me
0:19:56 > 0:19:58'reaching the worst part of the climb.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02'At this level, the plinth on which Nelson stands overhangs the Column.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05'I found myself literally hanging from the ladder
0:20:05 > 0:20:07'with nothing at all beneath me.'
0:20:07 > 0:20:10BIRDS SQUAWK
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Ughh! You told me there was overhang
0:20:17 > 0:20:19but you didn't tell me it leant to one side.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- No, that was the awkward part! - By gum!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25It's a long way up, really, isn't it?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I'm just... that's it. You're all right there.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32When you're lowering, you just slacken it off a touch like that.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Don't slacken it off too much. OK?
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Now just look over the edge and see those steps down there.- Yeah.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40If you look over the edge, you can see all the footholds.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43A note here to anyone under the age of 20.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47You may be saying now, "Oh, I know how they do that, it's very clever.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49"They put up a green screen
0:20:49 > 0:20:52"and then a computer puts all the effects in afterwards!"
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Kids... it's not.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Embarrassingly though, this...
0:20:58 > 0:21:01is. We can't all be John Noakes, you know.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I'd rather not let go of the edge!
0:21:04 > 0:21:08It's one of those sort of sights that you can do without!
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Move down a couple of more feet.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13That's it, get your hands underneath there. Don't scrape your hands
0:21:13 > 0:21:15on there too much.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Once you've got a decent foothold,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19you can let yourself down a bit more there.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21There's a bit of technique, I suppose, that you...
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Yeah, once you have mastered it, you're all right.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27- Right.- OK?- Yeah. You coming down to join me?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Yes, I am coming right down there now.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34- Ha-ha-ha!- OK? Do you feel all right? - Yeah. Feels fine.- Good.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38I tell you what. There's only one bucket, only one trouser.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42I'll just swing around and watch you work and see how the experts do it.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46That's the stuff, John!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Under the circumstances, you couldn't really blame
0:21:51 > 0:21:55John if he had already contributed a bit of that himself there,
0:21:55 > 0:21:57could you? Of course, being the Noakes,
0:21:57 > 0:22:01he decided that in fact the scenario needed even more peril.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06I suppose before I go down I need to go right to the very top.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- Yes, why not?- I'll never do it again.- Go and have another look.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13By gum!
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Incredible to think that these days there's an express lift
0:22:25 > 0:22:29inside that Column that goes right up to the great new restaurant
0:22:29 > 0:22:32inside Nelson's hat. Try the Battle Of The Nile Burger,
0:22:32 > 0:22:35although if you're weight-watching, specify I See No Chips.
0:22:35 > 0:22:40And mention this show for a free Kiss-Me-Hardy Cocktail!
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Do you remember David Wynne
0:22:41 > 0:22:45and the Sisyphean task he had with his statue in Sheffield?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Well, he eventually won over the dozen members of the council
0:22:48 > 0:22:51but then he had to start on the rest of the world.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54HORSE WHINNIES
0:22:54 > 0:22:56WONDROUS EXCLAMATIONS
0:22:58 > 0:23:02REPORT: What do Sheffield's town planners feel about the piece?
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Mr Adamson, Chief Planner.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Erm...
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- And Chris Goode, Assistant Planner.- I think it's superb.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Sheffield sculpture teacher, Graham King.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13I don't like it at all. It's too smooth, ain't it?
0:23:13 > 0:23:17One has one's thing and it isn't exactly my thing.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21I love the head of Virginia Wade and every time I look at it
0:23:21 > 0:23:24I keep going back and thinking, I wish Virginia Wade's head was there.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I think that is absolutely splendid.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29So, now what?
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Erm...
0:23:36 > 0:23:39..there's still, I mean, there's still work to be done.
0:23:45 > 0:23:52What I've tried to do is to find a balance between naturalism
0:23:52 > 0:23:56and formal classical abstraction.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Oh, well played, mate!
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Yes, when losing professional altitude like that, if you can't
0:24:02 > 0:24:05find the ejector seat then reach for some challenging modish claptrap.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Usually helps.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Usually.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11The one thing that struck me is her shoes.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Shoes with those sort of straps
0:24:17 > 0:24:20always look a bit tarty to me.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22I can hear my wife saying...
0:24:24 > 0:24:27..why is she wearing those shoes? Those shoes...
0:24:27 > 0:24:29It's the ankle strap that gives it that...
0:24:29 > 0:24:34Are they timeless, classic shoes or are they out-of-date shoes?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41The... you know,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44I'm happy to look at straps.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45The poor bloke.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Commissioned to create a touching lover's tableau
0:24:48 > 0:24:52for St Pancras Station and they're making him feel like he's delivered
0:24:52 > 0:24:55some sort of sleazy sex doll. Tarty shoes!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58There is nothing "tarty" about high-heeled sling-backs,
0:24:58 > 0:24:59my provincial pal.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02They're hard on the calf muscles for sure,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05but some of us prefer to sacrifice comfort for fashion. OK?
0:25:05 > 0:25:09I found that a touching, timeless and tasteful effigy,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11if you must know. Well, comparatively.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Well, what made you decide on King Kong for a place like Birmingham?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Well...
0:25:17 > 0:25:19the work was meant to be...
0:25:19 > 0:25:23"city-orientated" was the way it was described
0:25:23 > 0:25:26and that immediately made me think of King Kong.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29How do you think King Kong is city-orientated?
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Well, as... when you think of King Kong, you think of New York.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37And as I must... I haven't really compared Birmingham with New York
0:25:37 > 0:25:40till I came in on the train this morning, actually.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42It did look quite like New York, I thought.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46Lord Nelson's Column should be there, Lord Nelson's statue.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Something to stand up for.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50It's nothing. What does that represent?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52What does it represent? Nothing.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Weirdly, in a complete reversal to the climax of King Kong,
0:25:55 > 0:25:58an outraged city soon climbed up the giant gorilla.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02No squadron of biplanes were sent to pepper the protestors
0:26:02 > 0:26:05with bullets, however - just a pair of half-hearted Old Bill.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07This is the property of the people of Birmingham.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09It's the property of the town.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12This is the property of the town. You've no right to arrest us.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14I'm not going anywhere.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16PEOPLE REMONSTRATE
0:26:16 > 0:26:19And just six months after its...
0:26:19 > 0:26:20erection...
0:26:20 > 0:26:24the big Baboon Of Birmingham was crated up, shipped off and sold.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Now he's been demoted to selling second-hand cars.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30The man who bought King Kong is Mr Mike Shanley.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Mike, why have you bought King Kong?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35I think he'll be a good publicity agent for me
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- and he'll bring more customers here. - You paid almost £3,000?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- You think it's a good buy for the money?- I think so.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45I'm sure he'll bring people here. You've only got to look at the cars
0:26:45 > 0:26:46and buses going past.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51He paid £3,000
0:26:51 > 0:26:55for a big statue of King Kong. In 1972!
0:26:55 > 0:27:00Kids, in 1972, a top footballer's wages was only £4.50 a week.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03It's like Jack And The Beanstalk all over again.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06His mum gave him £3,000 to go out and buy Man United
0:27:06 > 0:27:09and he came home with a giant statue of King Kong.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Yes, people climbed up it. But there was no pot of gold. No singing harp.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Just a couple of Plod yearning for the warmth of their Z-Car.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Anyway, we're nearly done.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Believe it or not, this has been the first ever proper examination
0:27:22 > 0:27:25of statues on television.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29I guess that's because TV is such an animated, bustling industry
0:27:29 > 0:27:32that the static, motionless world of lifeless figures
0:27:32 > 0:27:35is a totally alien concept to us.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38But perhaps we've helped explode that myth tonight.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Statues - fun, fascinating, controversial, divisive -
0:27:41 > 0:27:43and a tremendous amount of hard work
0:27:43 > 0:27:47both before completion, during installation and after erection!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49I'm all for them!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Good night.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52Trumpets now!
0:27:52 > 0:27:54# Here comes the equestrian statue
0:27:56 > 0:27:58# Prancing up and down the Square
0:28:00 > 0:28:03# Little old ladies stop and say, "Well..."
0:28:03 > 0:28:05# And declare
0:28:05 > 0:28:08# Once a month on a Friday There's a man
0:28:08 > 0:28:12# With a mop and bucket in his hand
0:28:12 > 0:28:16# To him it's just another working day
0:28:16 > 0:28:21# So he whistles as he rubs and scrubs away... #