0:00:03 > 0:00:06I'm Jamelia and I'm a singer.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10I'm one of nearly two million single mums living in Britain,
0:00:10 > 0:00:12and it's not something I'm proud of.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15I was bought up by a single mum,
0:00:15 > 0:00:20and I always dreamed of having the perfect nuclear family for my own children.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23But things didn't turn out that way,
0:00:23 > 0:00:26and I've ended up raising my two daughters alone.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Like any mum, I love my children to bits,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33but now that I'm on my own, I feel judged by others
0:00:33 > 0:00:38and disappointed with myself for not doing it the right way.
0:00:38 > 0:00:43It doesn't help that single mums are always being given a hard time.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Right, just wait there.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I'll just be a few hours.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Don't be giving me baby evils!
0:00:50 > 0:00:53I want to try and understand why I feel the way I do,
0:00:53 > 0:00:59by finding out about the experiences of other single mums in the past.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03The women who had to hide themselves and their children from the rest of the world.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06She stayed away from anybody in authority -
0:01:06 > 0:01:08no doctors, no dentists.
0:01:08 > 0:01:15And those for whom this shame was so great, they had to give their newborn babies away.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17I felt the longing to have her, to hold her, to keep her.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21But in my head, I knew that I had to give her up.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26I really want to walk in other people's shoes,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I want people to tell me their stories and I want to know,
0:01:29 > 0:01:31what was it like for you?
0:01:48 > 0:01:5211 years ago, when I was 19, my music career was just taking off.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57I was travelling the world, and had won my first big award
0:01:57 > 0:01:59when I found out I was pregnant.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04I just remember thinking at that point, "You've messed up."
0:02:04 > 0:02:09And I thought once I told my record label, I'd be dropped.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Pull it back. And go.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18That's it. Good girl.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I never wanted to be a single mum,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22even now I don't want to be a single mum,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25that definitely was not one of my ambitions.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27You going to help me do Teja's hair?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Why don't you do this one, and then I'll do...
0:02:29 > 0:02:35- I'll do this one. I'm her stylist. - You're her stylist?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38This is Teja, and she's ten,
0:02:38 > 0:02:43and this is Tiani, and she's five.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47They see their dads at least once a week and spend time with them
0:02:47 > 0:02:49and that's something that I actively encourage,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I want them to be close to their dads,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I want them to have the father-daughter relationship
0:02:54 > 0:02:55that I've always wanted myself,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58and when their dads come and I see them jump into their arms,
0:02:58 > 0:03:02I just think, "Aw". It's lovely to see, it really is.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04I had Teja with my first love,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07and my first love was by far the wrong love.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12Basically, it was a domestically abusive situation.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16And it was just one incident, and I just got out of there.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19And I think that, had I not had Teja,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21I would not have had the balls to get out.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26When Teja was three, nearly four, I met Darren.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30I would describe that as a bit of a whirlwind romance, to be honest.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33I became pregnant quite early on in that relationship,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35and I didn't want to be on my own,
0:03:35 > 0:03:39I didn't want to admit to myself, "Oh God, I've failed again."
0:03:39 > 0:03:43And so we stuck it out for, like, five years.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47It just got to a point where we were just being horrible to each other,
0:03:47 > 0:03:52and I just thought, "This isn't a nice environment, this is no nicer an environment for our children
0:03:52 > 0:03:53"than us being apart."
0:03:53 > 0:03:57I'm in no way a promiscuous person or anything like that,
0:03:57 > 0:04:01but I've got two children by two different dads,
0:04:01 > 0:04:05it really is something that I'm not proud of, I'm really not proud of.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I do wish that I'd done it right,
0:04:08 > 0:04:12and when I say "done it right", I mean, you know, met someone,
0:04:12 > 0:04:16be with them for years, get married, and then have children,
0:04:16 > 0:04:18cos I think that's the right way to do it.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I want to start by looking at the past,
0:04:27 > 0:04:31but strangely, there's very little written about single mums.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34War, war, war,
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Tudors...
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Great Harry, the Prince.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42How can I not find anything, not one book?
0:04:42 > 0:04:47Is it the fact that we're being hidden, you know,
0:04:47 > 0:04:51we're being hidden away, as if they didn't exist in history.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53How can there just be nothing?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59But I've heard that 100 years ago, if you were pregnant and unmarried,
0:04:59 > 0:05:02you could end up living like an outcast.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15I'm off to visit a place which used to take in single mums
0:05:15 > 0:05:17who had no way of supporting themselves.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24It's called a workhouse, and there was one of these in every town.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27It just looks so bare!
0:05:27 > 0:05:31All enclosed in as well, like a prison or something.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Hi, I'm Jamelia.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38'My guide, Catherine, is going to show me around.'
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Welcome to the workhouse at Southall. - Thank you.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43So basically, 100 years ago,
0:05:43 > 0:05:47this was probably a place where mothers today,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50single mothers today on benefits, would have ended up?
0:05:50 > 0:05:54If you were a mother with children and your family's not going to be able to support you,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56then basically, you're going to be destitute,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59and the only relief that can be offered to you is the workhouse.
0:05:59 > 0:06:04The idea that you've had sex outside of marriage is very bad,
0:06:04 > 0:06:07and the Victorians are making a concerted effort
0:06:07 > 0:06:08to try and stamp it out.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12They're doing that because it's very rampant, very prevalent,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15it's not like it's not happening, it was very common in society.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19And so they're trying to find a moral way of reforming people.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Sounds like the workhouse was a kind of hiding place for anyone
0:06:23 > 0:06:25that society was embarrassed by,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28"Let's put them in the workhouse," was it that kind of thing?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30They do have a physical separation,
0:06:30 > 0:06:32there are high walls round the garden,
0:06:32 > 0:06:35so that the people in the workhouse can't see beyond the workhouse,
0:06:35 > 0:06:39there are no windows on the side wall, so you can't see beyond the workhouse property,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42and equally, so people can't see in.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47'In the workhouse, unmarried mothers
0:06:47 > 0:06:50'were given a bed in a dormitory and three meals a day.'
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Oh, my gosh!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54You've got a nice straw mattress,
0:06:54 > 0:06:59and then a nice scratchy sheet, nothing pleasant about that.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03'In return, they had to earn their keep by working in the kitchens,
0:07:03 > 0:07:07'recycling old rope and scrubbing the floors.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08'They had no privacy,
0:07:08 > 0:07:12'and any free time was spent praying for forgiveness.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16'The women could leave the workhouse at any time,
0:07:16 > 0:07:21'but many often arrived pregnant, and would stay for several years.'
0:07:21 > 0:07:25This was horrible, what was this used for?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28This was the original infirmary building,
0:07:28 > 0:07:35so if you were unwell or needed isolating because of your illness, you would come here.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36In the case of unmarried mothers,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39if you're going to be giving birth,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42this is where it's going to take place.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45How long would they be in here, before...?
0:07:45 > 0:07:50They'd be with the babies the first few weeks, and then later on, the babies are separated out
0:07:50 > 0:07:54and they'd be in a special area for the younger children.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58With, usually, assistant nurses and a trusted inmate,
0:07:58 > 0:08:02perhaps acting as a wet nurse, actually breastfeeding the babies
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- on behalf of you and all the other mothers.- OK.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09- Why weren't they able to look after their own babies? - They genuinely believe that,
0:08:09 > 0:08:13particularly with unmarried mothers, that the mothers are morally dubious,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15and have made a bad decision in life,
0:08:15 > 0:08:19and the best thing to do was to whip it away from its mother,
0:08:19 > 0:08:23and to show it good Victorian values
0:08:23 > 0:08:26of, you know, hard work and cleanliness and schooling.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30They don't want the... particularly the unmarried mothers corrupting them.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Honestly, it just seems...
0:08:34 > 0:08:37It sounds to me just so kind of heartbreaking,
0:08:37 > 0:08:43because obviously, I'm a single parent myself, and it doesn't make you any less of a mother
0:08:43 > 0:08:46or any less capable as a mother,
0:08:46 > 0:08:50and just to have your child, in a way, ripped away from you
0:08:50 > 0:08:55and then being told you're dubious character and stuff like that,
0:08:55 > 0:09:01I can't imagine what that must have felt like, it's just heartbreaking.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03It's another part of the deterrent.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05The thing that people most fear about the workhouse,
0:09:05 > 0:09:09apart from the stigma they're going to get from having come here,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11is that family separation.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19I'd really like to speak to one of the single mums who was in the workhouse,
0:09:19 > 0:09:24to find out what it was like to be separated from her children, and the rest of the world.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31It's unlikely that any of them are still alive,
0:09:31 > 0:09:36but amazingly, I have managed to track down 91-year-old Bill Golding.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40He went into the workhouse with his mum in 1924,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43after she was thrown out of her home by her family,
0:09:43 > 0:09:46for having a second child out of wedlock.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52- Hello Bill, nice to meet you. - Hello, Jamelia. - How are you? Thank you.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59- What was your mum's name?- Ida Rose.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Ida Rose, oh, that's a nice name. That's a nice name.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Do you remember anything about being there?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Um yeah, I do remember the smell there,
0:10:09 > 0:10:13carbolic and stale bread,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16and I remember the old women,
0:10:16 > 0:10:22they always looked old in those days, scrubbing the floors, yeah.
0:10:22 > 0:10:28What would your mother's father have thought about her having a child out of wedlock?
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Well, disapproved of course.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36It was frowned upon in those days, and, um...
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Well, the stigma that I carried along with me as well, you see.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47You were called a bastard, for starters,
0:10:47 > 0:10:51one thing about embarrassed about things...
0:10:51 > 0:10:56when I got married, er, in 1945,
0:10:56 > 0:11:01where it says, um, "father's name",
0:11:01 > 0:11:04rather than say I had no father,
0:11:04 > 0:11:11I said "Oh, yes, my father was William Golding, deceased" you see,
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- so, um... - Oh, so you told a lie?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18So, so...
0:11:18 > 0:11:24To save embarrassment for everybody, you know.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27So did your wife know you were born out of wedlock?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- Er, yes.- Did she know at this point?
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Um, at that point, no.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Wow.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41I mean, are you happy that the world has changed in the way that it has?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Well, the world gets better all the time, I think,
0:11:44 > 0:11:51when they talk about the good old days, it was not at all, no.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54It's really sad.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58'Bill was sent to a children's home after being in the workhouse,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00'and hardly saw his mum again.'
0:12:00 > 0:12:07'It really did hit me when Bill kept referring to himself as illegitimate,
0:12:07 > 0:12:11'and that he was a bastard, it's just so wrong,'
0:12:11 > 0:12:15and also for Bill to carry that shame,
0:12:15 > 0:12:21the shame that his mother put on him, and...
0:12:21 > 0:12:25obviously me, I can totally understand how someone ends up
0:12:25 > 0:12:27in that situation as the parent,
0:12:27 > 0:12:33but I cannot understand, or even accept the fact
0:12:33 > 0:12:35that Bill himself was penalised
0:12:35 > 0:12:39for being born within a single parent family, it's just...
0:12:41 > 0:12:42..awful.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Bill's story has made me realise how lucky I am to be able to
0:12:46 > 0:12:48come back to a lovely home
0:12:48 > 0:12:50and look after my own children.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I know that because of my singing career,
0:12:56 > 0:13:01I don't have the same money problems as many single mums.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03You know, I don't worry about...
0:13:03 > 0:13:05"I haven't got enough money to buy bread"
0:13:05 > 0:13:08or "I can't... What are we going to eat tonight?"
0:13:08 > 0:13:10because I haven't got any money.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12I don't have those worries.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16- I should have did some garlic bread or something.- Oh!
0:13:16 > 0:13:21I think the hardest thing about being a single mum, is being alone.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25It's being, you know, having everything on your back.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29The worst times are when, you know, when I'm worried,
0:13:29 > 0:13:33when I'm down, when I'm upset, those are the worst times,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36because I feel as if I don't even have the room to do that,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I've got to schedule my tears, you know.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42For instance, going through the divorce,
0:13:42 > 0:13:46I've had times where I've been so down and so depressed
0:13:46 > 0:13:51and all I want to do is wrap up in my duvet and cry, and I can't.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53It's not a splinter, looks like...
0:13:53 > 0:13:58'I've got to make sure I've done everything else, or seen to their needs first.'
0:13:58 > 0:14:01It's not cut, you were ready to cry then!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I've discovered that during the Second World War,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14the number of women having babies out of marriage went up.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19There were also a lot more women raising their kids on their own,
0:14:19 > 0:14:21because their husbands were away at war.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25But even in this climate, it seems as if there was
0:14:25 > 0:14:28still a huge stigma about being an unmarried mum.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32I know this because I'm really struggling to get anyone to talk.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38Would you to be willing to share your story? We have tried so hard...
0:14:38 > 0:14:40'Eventually I strike gold with Micheline,
0:14:40 > 0:14:43'who has agreed to tell me her own mum's story.'
0:14:43 > 0:14:46It seems to be a point in time where that people are kind of
0:14:46 > 0:14:50embarrassed about, you know, about this subject in particular.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55I mean, how does that make you feel? Is it a familiar feeling?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Well, being in this street is very strange,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01because this is where I grew up and I remember being a tiny kid.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06It's full of memories, but also it's a bit strange for me
0:15:06 > 0:15:09to be talking about this, because it's very private,
0:15:09 > 0:15:11and...
0:15:11 > 0:15:14I just hope that my mother would...
0:15:14 > 0:15:17understand the reason that we're doing this.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Because it's a piece of history,
0:15:20 > 0:15:24but I'm a little bit uneasy about talking about such a private matter.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29This is my mother about the time that I was born.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- Wow, she looks like a film star! - She does, doesn't she?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I always say that, but it's true, isn't it?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37She came from Leeds in Yorkshire,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40and she was a fashion designer.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43She came to live in London and this is where she ended up
0:15:43 > 0:15:47in the summer of 1940, and this is where she had me.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49She was very sociable.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52She, in a strange sort of way, was enjoying the war,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55that seems bizarre, but you can imagine London was the...
0:15:55 > 0:15:59party capital of Europe at that time.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02London was a great, fun place to be with soldiers coming in,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05and my father was in the free French air force,
0:16:05 > 0:16:08and she met him in a dance hall not far from here
0:16:08 > 0:16:09in Tottenham Court Road.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13- That's him with the free French air force people.- Oh, wow, OK.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17That was all his mates in whatever they called a squadron or something.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20I must emphasize that she was an extremely proper person,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23so although she was out dancing and merry making,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26she was not the kind of girl who would go and have sex with anybody.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29So how it was that my father...
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Well, he said that he would marry her as soon as the war was over, and she believed him.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37He came back in 1945 after I'd been born
0:16:37 > 0:16:39and stayed for a week,
0:16:39 > 0:16:43and disappeared forever, and she was on her own.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45And of course she WAS a very proper person
0:16:45 > 0:16:47and for her, that was a terrible shock
0:16:47 > 0:16:52because it was embarrassing to have got caught out like that,
0:16:52 > 0:16:56to have believed that story, and then find out that it wasn't true.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59So she just changed magically from being Miss O'Sullivan
0:16:59 > 0:17:01to Mrs O'Sullivan,
0:17:01 > 0:17:04and I suppose if you think about a street like this during the war,
0:17:04 > 0:17:09a lot of people coming and going, she just managed to keep a low profile.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Because of course, what we now know,
0:17:12 > 0:17:16the anxiety was that if you had a baby and you weren't married,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19somebody somewhere might come and take it away from you.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- I absolutely love it.- This is where we used to come every summer.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29It's a five-minute walk from the house,
0:17:29 > 0:17:33and my mother would work every morning sewing at her machine,
0:17:33 > 0:17:37until midday when she would get washed and dressed
0:17:37 > 0:17:40and get me ready, put me in the pram,
0:17:40 > 0:17:42and we came here every day.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46It seemed as if you and your mum
0:17:46 > 0:17:49lived like in a little bubble,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51do you know why that was?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54It was the fear of having the baby taken away.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58The best way to make sure that didn't happen was to not let anybody know that we were there,
0:17:58 > 0:18:02and so she stayed away from anybody in authority.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06No doctors, no dentists,
0:18:06 > 0:18:07no baby clinic.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11It must have been a huge compromise the day that she decided to send me to the nursery,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13that must have been quite worrying.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16But she needed to take up her career again. She took me
0:18:16 > 0:18:19to the nursery and I was there for a year. When I was five,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22the strangest thing of all, she sent me to a private school.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Which was very expensive, she sent me to the French Institute.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29I mean, how did she afford to do that?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31She worked and worked.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35- She worked very long hours, ten to 12 hours a day...- Yeah.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39..and she never asked anybody for any money.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41As far as I can recall,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43nobody ever gave her money except if she had earned it.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47- No benefits?- No benefits, nothing. Nothing at all,
0:18:47 > 0:18:51and so it was a very quiet, secluded hermit-like existence,
0:18:51 > 0:18:53and I was incredibly happy.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56That's what little kids want, isn't it, to be with their mum,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- and have her undivided attention. - Yeah.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03What do you think of the possibility that you could have been
0:19:03 > 0:19:07separated from your mum, that you could have been taken away?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10She'd have been like a lioness, she would never have let anybody take me.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13She'd have lived in a hole in the ground if she'd had to,
0:19:13 > 0:19:18she would never, ever, ever have let anybody take me away.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21I always knew that I was absolutely wanted
0:19:21 > 0:19:24and absolutely cherished all the way through,
0:19:24 > 0:19:26and I'm glad she was my mum.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31There's no way of knowing how many other women had to hide
0:19:31 > 0:19:34the fact that they were single mums, just to be able to raise their kids.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40The thing I can really relate to about Micheline's mum's story is
0:19:40 > 0:19:44the feeling you have to make up for being a single parent in some way.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47OK, so what is she, what is her job?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- Farmer.- She's a farmer, so where would she go? What letter?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- F.- Yes, good girl.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00With the job I have, I don't have that support system at home,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I don't have that other person who can pick them
0:20:03 > 0:20:06up from school, that consistent, you know, partner.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Let's do this together.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11'You know, once I knew that I could home school,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14'I knew that that was the best thing for our family.' Exactly.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Good girl, high five. You got it right, good girl, that's excellent!
0:20:18 > 0:20:22"Last one into bed has to switch out the light..."
0:20:22 > 0:20:25'I think as a single parent, you do overcompensate because
0:20:25 > 0:20:28'people think that your child is missing out,
0:20:28 > 0:20:32'and you feel that your child is missing out if your child doesn't
0:20:32 > 0:20:36'have that Mummy and Daddy situation which is in every single story.'
0:20:36 > 0:20:38"..After I switched out the light..."
0:20:38 > 0:20:41But it does kind of get to you,
0:20:41 > 0:20:45even if it's the prince and the princess in the palace, she's got the King and the Queen,
0:20:45 > 0:20:49and it's just like you do feel like, well, I don't want my child
0:20:49 > 0:20:53to feel as if she missed out, I want her to feel as if she had
0:20:53 > 0:20:58as full and as round an upbringing as any child in any environment.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02'And so I definitely overcompensate, I do it all.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05'I don't care how tired I am, how much effort it takes,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08'I don't care how it impacts on me or even my health,
0:21:08 > 0:21:11'anything, I'm going to do it just because I want them
0:21:11 > 0:21:15'to feel like they had it all and they did it all and they didn't miss out.'
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Looking at magazines from the 1950s, it's clear that
0:21:25 > 0:21:29the traditional family continued to be the only option for women.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Teaching you how to make jelly and fudge...
0:21:34 > 0:21:36..perfect homemakers.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Shirt expertly ironed.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Could do with reading this!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47You know, every single thing is aimed at...
0:21:48 > 0:21:54..the nuclear family, everything is aimed at that whole situation
0:21:54 > 0:21:57and any pictures, any representation, of women,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00there seems to always be a man next to them.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03"The Art of Marriage,"
0:22:04 > 0:22:08I mean, the fact that they've got, you know, a section
0:22:08 > 0:22:11which is "The Art of Marriage",
0:22:11 > 0:22:14it kind of indicates to me that...
0:22:14 > 0:22:19They assume that every woman reading it would be a married woman.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23It's not called Married Woman, it's just called Woman,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25so what if you're not a married woman?
0:22:25 > 0:22:29I mean, a single mother at this time must have...
0:22:29 > 0:22:32really felt outcast.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Then came the swinging 60s, which I've always been told
0:22:40 > 0:22:44was a time of cool music, fashion and sexual liberation.
0:22:46 > 0:22:51And in Britain by now, there was a well established benefits system,
0:22:51 > 0:22:55so by this time, I was really expecting that everything would be easier for single mums.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07'In 1965, Padmoney Staples was 16 years old
0:23:07 > 0:23:11'when she discovered she was pregnant.'
0:23:11 > 0:23:13So, Padmoney, this used to be your old house?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Yes, this is where I lived as a child.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18You had a baby, was it in the 60s?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20It was in 1965 that I got pregnant and at the time,
0:23:20 > 0:23:24- I was going to technical college doing a secretarial course.- OK.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I worked part time on a Saturday in the Co-op.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30I didn't know quite what to do, cos I couldn't tell me parents,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33I was really terrified, so I waited
0:23:33 > 0:23:36and hoped it would go away and of course it didn't go away.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37So in the end, I told my father
0:23:37 > 0:23:41and my father took me to the doctors,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44and sort of just everything went into overdrive
0:23:44 > 0:23:47about what would happen, but mostly it was kept a secret,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49nobody really knew.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Had to leave college, and I was actually sacked from my job
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- at the Co-op because I was unmarried and pregnant.- Gosh! Yeah.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00I know people think of it as the swinging 60s, but it wasn't really.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04It was a thing of shame and I had to hide and it was horrible.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11There were very few birth control options available at this time.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13There was no sex education,
0:24:13 > 0:24:16abortion was illegal until 1967,
0:24:16 > 0:24:20and you couldn't go on the pill unless you were married.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25- Well, this is the bus that I would have taken to go to the mother and baby home in Newcastle.- Oh, OK.
0:24:25 > 0:24:30And I went there just about one month before the baby was born,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33and we caught this bus, my father came with me,
0:24:33 > 0:24:37I had me little suitcase with me clothes and things in
0:24:37 > 0:24:41and a little layette for the baby. I knitted the cardigans and things for her.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Do you remember what you spoke about on the bus journey?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Did you speak about what was happening?
0:24:47 > 0:24:51No. No, I don't know what we talked about, whether we talked
0:24:51 > 0:24:54about the weather or the sites that we were passing or what,
0:24:54 > 0:24:57but we certainly didn't talk about what was happening.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01About I was going away to have the baby,
0:25:01 > 0:25:02that just...
0:25:02 > 0:25:07I can't explain that enough, it just was not talked about.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11It was as though I'm sitting with this belly out and it was ignored.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13We were just going on a bus
0:25:13 > 0:25:15to a place where I was going to live for a few weeks.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18And that was that.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Unmarried pregnant women would be sent
0:25:27 > 0:25:30to church-run mother and baby homes, like Ellswick Lodge,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32eight weeks before their due date.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39Some did keep their babies, but many, because their parents' shame was too great,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42had to give up their babies for adoption.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48How do you feel being back here?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Strange, it's very strange.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I mean, did your dad just say bye at the door or...?
0:25:53 > 0:25:57He was shovelled away. I don't think he stayed any time at all,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59he just left me at the door with my bag.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02This was the main sitting room where we used to all go
0:26:02 > 0:26:06and sit round in chairs knitting, all knitting while we were pregnant.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Knit, knit, knit, knit, knit, knit...
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Did you have like a kind of, you know, like a unit of friends,
0:26:11 > 0:26:16- did you find...?- I made one or two very close friends. Actually, when I came to be here,
0:26:16 > 0:26:20it was a relief because it was so nice to be with other women
0:26:20 > 0:26:22who were all in the same boat, younger women,
0:26:22 > 0:26:26older women, it was just such a relief to be able to talk
0:26:26 > 0:26:30about things and feel the same, not feel so ashamed as we had at home.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34When you'd had your baby, you came out of the annexe
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- and went into the bedroom. - Where did you have your baby? Did you go to hospital?
0:26:38 > 0:26:40I did go to hospital to have my baby. They took you by taxi
0:26:40 > 0:26:43when you were in labour, they took us in taxi.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Did your parents come and help you? No, you're laughing!
0:26:47 > 0:26:50That's just so bizarre! No, nobody went with me
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I went totally on me own. The whole thing I did on me own.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I think my dad came once to see me.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59So your parents did know you'd had the baby?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Oh, yes, yes, they knew, yeah.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06- But my mother never came to see me, just my dad.- Hmm.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14I just remember...
0:27:19 > 0:27:23This is where you came, this is where you came with your baby?
0:27:24 > 0:27:25- You came here?- Yes.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31When you gave birth... I mean, I remember this kind of just
0:27:31 > 0:27:34euphoric feeling and just instantly falling in love.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39I mean, how did that feel for you?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Well, I can't remember any euphoria,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43but I can remember falling in love.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Cos the moment I clapped eyes on her, I didn't want to give her up.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51I felt the longing to have her, to hold her to keep her,
0:27:51 > 0:27:54that bonding it was just there. She was MY baby.
0:27:55 > 0:28:00But in my head I KNEW that I had to give her up, so it was like trying
0:28:00 > 0:28:02to keep the lid on that, trying to keep it controlled.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05It was a fight between the head and the heart all the time,
0:28:05 > 0:28:08wanting to keep her and hold her, and knowing she had to go,
0:28:08 > 0:28:10that I had no choice.
0:28:10 > 0:28:15When it was leading up to that day, I mean, how did you feel?
0:28:15 > 0:28:18What was going through your mind at that time?
0:28:18 > 0:28:23It's hard to sort of think of the dichotomy, but was terrified of the day arriving...
0:28:24 > 0:28:29..but I also couldn't stand it, the sort of waiting, waiting, waiting was terrible.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33So I both wanted it to happen and didn't want it to happen.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36We never quite knew when it was going to happen either.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40They didn't really tell you until about the day before.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43What do you mean? Oh, sorry, that's... That's shocking.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47So they just one day would come up to you and say OK?
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Your baby's going tomorrow, yeah.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Quiet word in your ear,
0:28:51 > 0:28:55maybe the evening before when we're all sat in the lounge after dinner.
0:28:56 > 0:29:02I can remember whoever it was, you know, the other girls would rally round and try and be nice to them,
0:29:02 > 0:29:06but it was always a subdued atmosphere when a baby was going the next day.
0:29:11 > 0:29:19So...when, you know, when it came to that point...
0:29:19 > 0:29:22..where you had to go there... Sorry, I'm getting really upset.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41So, um, when it when it got to that point where you had to go to...
0:29:42 > 0:29:45I mean, what happened? The next day, what happened?
0:29:45 > 0:29:49The next day, we did the morning routine, getting up.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53I think I probably was a bit more relaxed about being up in the night.
0:29:53 > 0:29:57- Yeah.- Thinking, "It's my last night," so I probably took more time,
0:29:57 > 0:30:01but in the morning you got your baby ready, got it dressed in its best clothes.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Yeah.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08And then my father came.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11He probably came up on the bus, but we got a taxi,
0:30:11 > 0:30:16and I took the baby in the taxi to the moral welfare workers office.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18So you went, like, to an office?
0:30:18 > 0:30:20Yeah, to an office in Newcastle, yeah.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23And then what, you know, what happened there?
0:30:25 > 0:30:28Well, I waited in one room,
0:30:28 > 0:30:32with the baby, and the parents were in the next room.
0:30:33 > 0:30:37And then the moral welfare worker
0:30:37 > 0:30:40took the baby into them
0:30:40 > 0:30:43and I was just so distraught, and crying and things.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46I was supposed to meet them, but because I was so distraught,
0:30:46 > 0:30:51they let the parents go, so when I was ready, when I'd pulled myself together and said, "Can I see them?",
0:30:51 > 0:30:54- it was too late they'd gone.- Yeah.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57I mean, what did you feel at that point?
0:30:57 > 0:31:01Did you get to kiss her goodbye, did you get to...? What did you do?
0:31:01 > 0:31:05I kissed her goodbye, I hugged her and I said goodbye
0:31:05 > 0:31:08- and told her it was for the best. - Hmm.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13I mean, so...
0:31:14 > 0:31:18..once you'd had... Once you'd experienced that and...
0:31:20 > 0:31:23..having to leave... I mean, did you feel as if you were reluctant?
0:31:23 > 0:31:27Did you feel as if this really wasn't a situation that you wanted to happen?
0:31:27 > 0:31:31I knew I didn't want it to happen, and I knew it had to.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35And it was kind of just, "Let's just get it over with, let's just get it over with."
0:31:35 > 0:31:39So going through the motions of doing it, and some kind of fog, really.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43Cos, well, I cried and cried and cried,
0:31:43 > 0:31:47I cried all the way home on the bus,
0:31:47 > 0:31:51I cried myself to sleep for months and months and months afterwards.
0:31:52 > 0:31:56And I had to sign the papers in about the October.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59I had an interview with somebody, and I don't know who it was,
0:31:59 > 0:32:03but I can remember she was some kind of social worker person,
0:32:03 > 0:32:08and I remember having to answer lots of questions and I was upset then, I was crying.
0:32:08 > 0:32:12She told me to shut up and stop crying, not to be so silly,
0:32:12 > 0:32:15you know, "It was months ago now, you should be over it by now."
0:32:16 > 0:32:18I know, in six months,
0:32:18 > 0:32:20I hadn't got over it.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23I haven't got over it in 47 years.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26I certainly hadn't got over it in six months.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31Sorry. I'm sorry.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34I really didn't want to get you upset.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38Thanks so much.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47'The older generation are holding in so much.'
0:32:49 > 0:32:53Half a million women had their babies taken from them.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57You know, it wasn't... Even though they may have signed the papers,
0:32:57 > 0:32:59they didn't want that to happen.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04And we don't know how many of them are walking the streets,
0:33:04 > 0:33:07how many of them we're in contact with every day.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10These people may even be in our own families
0:33:10 > 0:33:13and we don't know because it's all swept under the carpet.
0:33:13 > 0:33:17I'm so glad so glad that I'm doing this programme and so glad that...
0:33:19 > 0:33:23..people are getting to hear stories like this, because I don't know
0:33:23 > 0:33:25in a way I feel so ignorant, I feel like...
0:33:28 > 0:33:32I don't know, I just feel like I've kind of had my eyes closed
0:33:32 > 0:33:34and really taken for granted...
0:33:34 > 0:33:38I complain sometimes about being a single mum, it's not an issue now.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40You know, I haven't got it hard,
0:33:40 > 0:33:42I haven't got it as hard as I thought I did.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47You know, at least I got the opportunity to be a single mum,
0:33:47 > 0:33:49I've had the option of being a single mum
0:33:49 > 0:33:53and didn't have to have a ring on my finger.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58Padmoney went on to have a son,
0:33:58 > 0:34:03but she never forgot the daughter she had to give up. 33 years later,
0:34:03 > 0:34:08she managed to track her down in New Zealand, and they're still in touch.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25Things must have changed quickly because in 1980,
0:34:25 > 0:34:3014 years after Padmoney had her baby, my mum got pregnant with me.
0:34:33 > 0:34:37- My sister wants to know if she can be your back up dancer.- Does she?
0:34:37 > 0:34:39Is she good at dancing?
0:34:39 > 0:34:43'I wish I could bring her back here and chat about what it was like being a single mum in the '80s,
0:34:43 > 0:34:45'but she lives in Jamaica now.'
0:34:45 > 0:34:49Not even for a second did she feel that she wasn't going to have me
0:34:49 > 0:34:53or that she couldn't have me, that she would have to give me up
0:34:53 > 0:34:55or anything like that, I know that it was always,
0:34:55 > 0:34:58"OK, I'm pregnant, that means I'm going to have a baby."
0:34:58 > 0:35:02That's very indicative of the fact that times had changed by then.
0:35:02 > 0:35:07I mean, this is only, you know... My mum had me in 1981,
0:35:07 > 0:35:10this is only, what, 13, 14 years after Padmoney's story,
0:35:10 > 0:35:15where she felt as a 16 year-old getting pregnant, 16, 17 year-old getting pregnant,
0:35:15 > 0:35:19that she had no choice, she had no option. It was the unspoken rule.
0:35:21 > 0:35:25I actually lived in that house there, number three.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28I grew up there with my mum and my two brothers.
0:35:28 > 0:35:32Growing up on this street with a single mother was pretty normal,
0:35:32 > 0:35:3690% of the houses on this street were single-parent families, single mothers.
0:35:36 > 0:35:40My mum struggled financially from time to time.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43Everybody was borrowing, "Have you got some sugar, some eggs?"
0:35:43 > 0:35:45It was very much that kind of community.
0:35:45 > 0:35:51Everybody helped each other out, and I guess it's because everyone understood each other's situations.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55My mum saw benefits as assistance,
0:35:55 > 0:35:58as help when you needed it, but as soon as she was capable
0:35:58 > 0:36:02of getting back to work, which she felt was when we got to school,
0:36:02 > 0:36:07that's when she volunteered at the local play centre and worked her way up to the manager.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11I look to my childhood and I say, genuinely,
0:36:11 > 0:36:14my mum did the best she could, and that for me
0:36:14 > 0:36:17is all you could want as a child, to know that your mum did
0:36:17 > 0:36:21everything to the best of her ability for you.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38So what had changed between the '60s and the '80s?
0:36:38 > 0:36:42The answer is everything. For the first time ever,
0:36:42 > 0:36:44women had choices and freedom.
0:36:44 > 0:36:49They could buy a house, go on the pill, abortion was legal,
0:36:49 > 0:36:53and they could now get a divorce from their husbands.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55And everybody was talking about it.
0:36:55 > 0:36:59She's only a child... and her without a father!
0:36:59 > 0:37:04Well, I'm one of the new breed of free-thinking women - sex, yes, babies, yes, marriage, no.
0:37:04 > 0:37:08Mother of God! What's the world coming to?
0:37:08 > 0:37:12I find it so amazing the difference in, you know,
0:37:12 > 0:37:17things that are on TV now, like the '70s seemed to be like the death
0:37:17 > 0:37:21of shame almost, you know, the fact that, I don't know,
0:37:21 > 0:37:25people having sex outside marriage now is kind of OK to talk about.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28And even on TV, I mean, it's not...
0:37:28 > 0:37:32The thing is it's not that long, but I guess...
0:37:32 > 0:37:36I don't know, I guess maybe these new changes that came in really did make
0:37:36 > 0:37:41a huge difference and, you know, had that kind of an impact on women
0:37:41 > 0:37:43and popular culture as well.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51I wonder what impact this new freedom for women had
0:37:51 > 0:37:55on the new generation of us children who grew up with single mums.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00These are just little bits that I've...
0:38:00 > 0:38:05I made this, I'm such a Blue Peter kid. I made this for my mum for Mother's Day.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10'Like me, the Emmerdale actress and TV star Roxanne Pallet
0:38:10 > 0:38:14'was brought up by a single mum in the 1980s.'
0:38:14 > 0:38:16I was born in 82,
0:38:16 > 0:38:21so it was primary school for me, and I couldn't...
0:38:21 > 0:38:26I mean, I've brought a picture this will make you laugh. It's Mummy, Grandma and Roxanne,
0:38:26 > 0:38:30we're all smiling, but to me that was like the norm.
0:38:30 > 0:38:34It was me mum an grandma, not a big deal, whereas I'm sure there was a few kids
0:38:34 > 0:38:38who'd have to go and see the school psychologist with what they drew.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40And they had a mum and a dad.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43But this probably sums up my childhood best,
0:38:43 > 0:38:46because it's the Betty Boo pose - do do be do -
0:38:46 > 0:38:52and it's Mum, very windswept cos we were in Greece, Auntie Jackie,
0:38:52 > 0:38:56and my grandma and me, and so it's three generations, and we were just
0:38:56 > 0:38:59we were all so in sync with each other. I was always part of a gang.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01Yeah, yeah.
0:39:01 > 0:39:04It was a happy time and it was you and Grandma doing a high five.
0:39:04 > 0:39:08She'd come in from one shift, you'd go out for another,
0:39:08 > 0:39:12and we'd go out at the weekend and do stuff.
0:39:12 > 0:39:16We weren't ruled by that stigma, because even though you were the only single mum
0:39:16 > 0:39:20out of 30 kids in my class, I was one of the happy kids
0:39:20 > 0:39:21and the brightest kids,
0:39:21 > 0:39:24and I think that's what matters really, doesn't it?
0:39:24 > 0:39:27Do you feel you've been affected in any way
0:39:27 > 0:39:29by not having a dad around?
0:39:29 > 0:39:33I've never missed out because it's all I've ever known, is
0:39:33 > 0:39:38to have my mum and my grandma, and for me, that is my most... It doesn't
0:39:38 > 0:39:42matter what I do in my career, my most prized possession
0:39:42 > 0:39:46is you and Grandma bringing me up. I know I wouldn't be
0:39:46 > 0:39:51as strong and as creative and as strong minded and independent,
0:39:51 > 0:39:54and I value that. There's been moments in my life that
0:39:54 > 0:39:57without this strength and this belief and tenacity
0:39:57 > 0:40:01that I've got from you and Grandma, and watching a mum, a woman, do it
0:40:01 > 0:40:04on her own, I don't think I would've survived certain moments.
0:40:04 > 0:40:08- Absolutely.- I think I'd have crumbled.- The President of the United States
0:40:08 > 0:40:12was brought up by a single mum, and I just think that we have
0:40:12 > 0:40:16something in us, we do have something in us as children.
0:40:16 > 0:40:20You know, to see our mums struggle like that makes us think,
0:40:20 > 0:40:23"Well, if my mum can do it, I can do absolutely anything,"
0:40:23 > 0:40:27and my mum gave me that. It's something that I now pass on to my daughters.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30My mum definitely gave me the feeling that nothing is impossible.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33If I'm going to have a man in my life, he has to be strong,
0:40:33 > 0:40:36not just physically, but mentally, emotionally,
0:40:36 > 0:40:39and I can't... There's no room for error
0:40:39 > 0:40:41if I'm going to invite a man into my life.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44And if I have a kid, I'm hoping that there will be
0:40:44 > 0:40:47the dynamics of a mum and a dad, but I'm not scared if there isn't.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50- Yeah.- I'm not scared to do the single mum thing at all.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53What do you think, Monica?
0:40:54 > 0:40:56Oh, the tight lips have come out - she disagrees!
0:40:58 > 0:41:04How could you cope with sleepless nights? You forget about the sleepless nights...
0:41:05 > 0:41:07..and it is hard.
0:41:07 > 0:41:11Don't be fooled into women making it look easy, because it isn't.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14And I don't think that's changed from the '80s till now, you know.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18Roxanne and Monica were part of a growing number
0:41:18 > 0:41:21of single-parent families.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26By the 1990s, there were 1.3 million of them,
0:41:26 > 0:41:29and a special lone parent's benefit had been introduced
0:41:29 > 0:41:31to help them out.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33But the political climate was changing.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37It is time to get back to basics.
0:41:42 > 0:41:46Britain's fast growing population of single parents have found themselves in the eye of a storm.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49There is a small minority who need encouraging to form
0:41:49 > 0:41:52stable relationships and marriages before having children.
0:41:52 > 0:41:57We do believe in the family unit as being the basis of a stable society.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00We want to discourage the young mum who turns up with child in arms
0:42:00 > 0:42:03and stands on the town hall steps expecting the council
0:42:03 > 0:42:05to immediately be able to help her.
0:42:05 > 0:42:09'Annie Oliver has chosen to live as a single mother, and when three years...'
0:42:09 > 0:42:12Single mum Annie Oliver was so upset by what was being
0:42:12 > 0:42:16said at the time, that she went on television to defend herself.
0:42:16 > 0:42:20Single parents are being scapegoated it seems.
0:42:20 > 0:42:24It's not going to promote childcare to single-parent families
0:42:24 > 0:42:27when he thinks single-parent families are unnatural.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29'And she's still doing it today.'
0:42:29 > 0:42:33- Hello. Hi, I'm Jamelia.- I'm Annie. - Hello, nice to meet you.- And you.
0:42:36 > 0:42:37What's all this, then?
0:42:39 > 0:42:43This is some of the newspaper articles and cuttings from the '90s.
0:42:43 > 0:42:47Well, I became a single parent in 1990, I had my son Alex...
0:42:47 > 0:42:51- Oh, OK.- ..in 1990. I was on my own with this baby,
0:42:51 > 0:42:54I'd left a violent relationship so I thought
0:42:54 > 0:42:57I would do the right thing which is bring him up WITHOUT violence.
0:42:57 > 0:43:02I had no money, I was living in this house that was cold.
0:43:02 > 0:43:06I was really miserable, and then when I started to read this
0:43:06 > 0:43:10stuff in the newspapers, it actually made me really, really depressed.
0:43:10 > 0:43:14Made me really upset, I actually took it very, very personally.
0:43:14 > 0:43:18"Single parents fail children," says a judge.
0:43:18 > 0:43:22"Life on the estate of missing fathers."
0:43:22 > 0:43:26Oh, this is John Redwood, he suggested that we put our children up for adoption.
0:43:26 > 0:43:27What?!
0:43:27 > 0:43:32This one, headed up," The single mothers, just who is to blame?"
0:43:32 > 0:43:34says the statistics tell a damning story
0:43:34 > 0:43:37of social and moral irresponsibility.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40So this is how we were being spoken about.
0:43:40 > 0:43:44This is so unfair. What a horrible picture. Oh, my gosh.
0:43:44 > 0:43:48This is how the people in power saw single parents at the time.
0:43:48 > 0:43:51It's just so unfair, it's unfair to the mothers,
0:43:51 > 0:43:55it's unfair to the children. As you said, children can read, my daughter could read that,
0:43:55 > 0:43:58and I'd hate to be faced with something like this every day.
0:43:58 > 0:44:02There was so much negative stuff that there was a cartoon in one of the newspapers,
0:44:02 > 0:44:05and England had been knocked out of the World Cup,
0:44:05 > 0:44:08and it was a cartoon of despondent footballers sat like that,
0:44:08 > 0:44:12and underneath it said, "I blame single parents."
0:44:13 > 0:44:16That's how much was in the media about how single parents were wrong.
0:44:16 > 0:44:21This is the backlash, this is kind of, "Well, this has got too much,
0:44:21 > 0:44:26"these women are leaving their husbands, and wanting social housing,
0:44:26 > 0:44:29"and wanting access to benefits, and it's all too much."
0:44:29 > 0:44:32And I think what happened was we became a scapegoat.
0:44:32 > 0:44:37We are not in the business of subsidising scroungers...
0:44:38 > 0:44:42..so Mr Chairman, just like in the Mikado,
0:44:42 > 0:44:44I've got a little list...
0:44:44 > 0:44:48of benefit offenders, who I'll soon be rooting out.
0:44:48 > 0:44:52And who never would be missed. They never would be missed.
0:44:52 > 0:44:56There's young ladies who get pregnant just to jump the housing queue,
0:44:56 > 0:44:59and dads who won't support the kids
0:44:59 > 0:45:02of the ladies they have...kissed.
0:45:02 > 0:45:04LAUGHTER
0:45:09 > 0:45:11'Who was that?'
0:45:11 > 0:45:14That was Peter Lilley who was, um...
0:45:14 > 0:45:16the minister for social security.
0:45:16 > 0:45:19He upset a lot of people with that speech.
0:45:19 > 0:45:22On his list is the list of fraudsters,
0:45:22 > 0:45:25and that basically included single mothers?
0:45:25 > 0:45:29- Looking after their children. - Do you think that there are any women who get pregnant
0:45:29 > 0:45:32- to get a council house? - It would be a very small minority.
0:45:32 > 0:45:36There's no way you would get pregnant
0:45:36 > 0:45:38to have a council maisonette.
0:45:41 > 0:45:45'I want to understand what was going on in the '90s.'
0:45:46 > 0:45:48- Hi, Jamelia.- Lovely to see you, come on in.
0:45:48 > 0:45:50'So I'm off to meet journalist Julia Hartley Brewer
0:45:50 > 0:45:54'who has written about some of the issues in the newspapers.'
0:45:54 > 0:45:58I'd love to know where it kind of came from.
0:45:58 > 0:46:00Was it the politicians, was it the media,
0:46:00 > 0:46:02did the media just make it up or...?
0:46:02 > 0:46:06What the government and I think the media were reacting to, and the public at large,
0:46:06 > 0:46:11was the evidence before their eyes, the anecdotal and statistical evidence that was backing it up.
0:46:11 > 0:46:14Unfortunately, it is the case, whether you like it or not
0:46:14 > 0:46:18that a child who comes from a single-parent family regardless of their income,
0:46:18 > 0:46:23regardless of whether they're middle class and educated as opposed to a two-parent family is more likely,
0:46:23 > 0:46:27by a LONG way, to turn to crime, more likely to use drugs, have an alcohol problem,
0:46:27 > 0:46:32less likely to be in full-time employment, more likely to have a teen pregnancy
0:46:32 > 0:46:36and to do badly in school. The statistics on average are not good.
0:46:36 > 0:46:40Well, did the government want to get it into people's heads that
0:46:40 > 0:46:44- being a single mum is bad for your children?- It's, you know...
0:46:44 > 0:46:47I think the idea was not to say it's bad, but to say it's not desirable.
0:46:47 > 0:46:50We did have a benefits system, which is now changing, where
0:46:50 > 0:46:53there were perverse incentives where a woman who was single
0:46:53 > 0:46:57would be better off than if she stayed with the guy or if she moved
0:46:57 > 0:47:00in with a new guy. We were discouraging, by only a couple
0:47:00 > 0:47:03of grand a year, which for a lot of families is a huge percentage
0:47:03 > 0:47:07of their income, and stopping people from setting up new family units.
0:47:07 > 0:47:11It's all about really just trying to, well, encourage
0:47:11 > 0:47:15the family unit, but not to penalise single mums at the same time.
0:47:15 > 0:47:19That's a very difficult balance. It's not a balance the media, I admit, has got very well.
0:47:19 > 0:47:21We do like a bogey man, someone to blame
0:47:21 > 0:47:24and single mums for a long time have been an easy target.
0:47:24 > 0:47:29Through someone's lifestyle choice, if you want to call it that, there's a massive effect
0:47:29 > 0:47:31on the economy, on the taxes, on other people.
0:47:31 > 0:47:35Other people's lifestyles are affected by your lifestyle choice.
0:47:35 > 0:47:38I do believe that being a single mother is never
0:47:38 > 0:47:42a choice, it's never something that... It's very rare that someone
0:47:42 > 0:47:45has set out and said, "I'm going do this on my own."
0:47:45 > 0:47:48There are some women for whom there is a choice
0:47:48 > 0:47:52and for whom that is a financially sensible choice in terms
0:47:52 > 0:47:55of getting on the housing. Yeah, in terms of getting council housing,
0:47:55 > 0:48:01in terms of making a living, because they're never going to work or get a home of their own otherwise.
0:48:01 > 0:48:04I find that that picture of a single mother is the one that is painted
0:48:04 > 0:48:10to represent all single mothers, and I mean, that surely is unfair,
0:48:10 > 0:48:12particularly because most of us
0:48:12 > 0:48:16don't want to be in that bracket and are not in that bracket,
0:48:16 > 0:48:20but media-wise, they were the ones that were chosen
0:48:20 > 0:48:23to represent all single mothers, and is that intentional?
0:48:23 > 0:48:27I don't think it's been intentional, but it has been a caricaturing of single mums.
0:48:27 > 0:48:31You think pram face, you know the image I'm talking about. You know?
0:48:31 > 0:48:33Look, no-one wants to be in that situation,
0:48:33 > 0:48:38no-one rational will choose that situation. I don't know any single mums who would not rather be
0:48:38 > 0:48:43either in a happy marriage with a guy with whom they had their child or with somebody else,
0:48:43 > 0:48:47so why are we pretending that this is a positive lifestyle choice? It's not.
0:48:47 > 0:48:52It's not a bad one, but it's not the best one, so why don't we encourage people for the best one?
0:48:52 > 0:48:55I hear that, but at the same time, I think that this is...
0:48:55 > 0:48:58Would you think it was fair to say that this is part
0:48:58 > 0:49:03of the reason why single mothers of today feel this stigma and feel...
0:49:03 > 0:49:07Even me as a single mother myself, because of things like this
0:49:07 > 0:49:08I can't help but question,
0:49:08 > 0:49:11"Am I doing the right thing by my children?"
0:49:11 > 0:49:14In an ideal world, you would probably...
0:49:14 > 0:49:17As great a mum as you are and for all the good reasons you had for getting out
0:49:17 > 0:49:20of your relationship, you'd rather be in a happy, loving one
0:49:20 > 0:49:24with somebody to help you look after your kids, and your kids would prefer that.
0:49:24 > 0:49:28So lets stop pretending that that isn't what we're all after.
0:49:28 > 0:49:32'I know that Julia is only saying what a lot of people think,
0:49:32 > 0:49:35'and she's right, I WOULD rather be bringing up my kids
0:49:35 > 0:49:39'with a partner, but for me that's just not a reality'
0:49:39 > 0:49:42I refuse to believe that I've made the wrong choice with
0:49:42 > 0:49:46where my children are concerned and I don't know a single mum who
0:49:46 > 0:49:50was in a positive relationship and decided to leave. It wasn't
0:49:50 > 0:49:53that situation, most of us didn't want to be single mums, most of us
0:49:53 > 0:49:57don't want to be without the partner, but circumstances
0:49:57 > 0:50:02have led us to this place. Now don't tell us that we're all doomed!
0:50:02 > 0:50:04I refuse to believe that, I really do,
0:50:04 > 0:50:07and it's really upsetting. For someone to basically tell me
0:50:07 > 0:50:12it's pointless, if you ain't got man in the house it's pointless,
0:50:12 > 0:50:16it's extremely offensive, it really is, and more upsetting
0:50:16 > 0:50:21than offensive because, you know, I don't want to think
0:50:21 > 0:50:25that my kids will be nothing, just because of choices
0:50:25 > 0:50:28that I have made. Sorry.
0:50:29 > 0:50:33It's really, really, really hard to even think of.
0:50:34 > 0:50:38I want to feel as if my kids have got the same chance as anybody else's.
0:50:44 > 0:50:47It's becoming clear why I don't feel proud to be a single mum.
0:50:49 > 0:50:52In the Daily Mail, it says, "The collapse of family life,
0:50:52 > 0:50:57"births outside marriage hit the highest level for two centuries.
0:50:57 > 0:51:00"Some 46% of children are born to unmarried mothers,
0:51:00 > 0:51:05"according to research by the Centre for Social Justice.
0:51:05 > 0:51:08"The think tank said a child growing up in a one-parent family,
0:51:08 > 0:51:14"is 75% more likely to fail at school, 70% more likely
0:51:14 > 0:51:19"to become a drug addict, and 50% more likely to have an alcohol problem."
0:51:20 > 0:51:23It's because of things like this why single mothers
0:51:23 > 0:51:27can feel sometimes a bit bogged down,
0:51:27 > 0:51:29with society's views.
0:51:29 > 0:51:33With other people, having pre-conceptions and coming up with
0:51:33 > 0:51:38their own opinions and prejudices, because they're fed crap like this.
0:51:38 > 0:51:39You know, they're...
0:51:39 > 0:51:43I think it definitely affects how we're looked at
0:51:43 > 0:51:46and I feel that as a single mother myself,
0:51:46 > 0:51:51this is part of the reason why I fight so hard, why I try so hard,
0:51:51 > 0:51:54and why it's so important for me...
0:51:55 > 0:51:59..to show people I can do it, and...
0:51:59 > 0:52:05to do more than the average, you know, to do more than possibly a married mother would do,
0:52:05 > 0:52:07because I feel I've got much more to prove.
0:52:07 > 0:52:11If I'm honest, this is my deepest, darkest fear -
0:52:11 > 0:52:17that somehow no matter what I do, my kids will be damaged in some way.
0:52:17 > 0:52:18And I'm not imagining it
0:52:18 > 0:52:22because here are the statistics in black and white in the paper.
0:52:22 > 0:52:24So what IS the truth?
0:52:24 > 0:52:29I'm off to Cambridge University to meet the most qualified expert I can find.
0:52:30 > 0:52:36He's Professor Lamb, head of the Department of Social and Developmental Psychology.
0:52:36 > 0:52:40He's spent 30 years studying what happens to children brought up
0:52:40 > 0:52:42in single-parent families.
0:52:42 > 0:52:46Perhaps he can tell me what these statistics mean and whether we are really to blame.
0:52:46 > 0:52:49So this is an article that was in The Daily Mail,
0:52:49 > 0:52:54and basically says that a child growing up in a one-parent family is 75% more likely
0:52:54 > 0:52:59to fail at school, 70% more likely to become a drug addict,
0:52:59 > 0:53:02and 50% more likely to have an alcohol problem.
0:53:02 > 0:53:06When I read this, I literally picked up the newspaper
0:53:06 > 0:53:08and I saw it and I was literally horrified,
0:53:08 > 0:53:10as a single parent, I was just thinking,
0:53:10 > 0:53:13"Oh, my gosh, my children are finished."
0:53:13 > 0:53:18Right, and I think of course that that's part of the message
0:53:18 > 0:53:22that people are meant to get, when they read these stories.
0:53:22 > 0:53:25But it does involve...
0:53:25 > 0:53:28presenting the statistics in the way
0:53:28 > 0:53:32that makes them seem most scary.
0:53:32 > 0:53:36In most studies, you find that somewhere around 15%
0:53:36 > 0:53:40of the children in two-parent families,
0:53:40 > 0:53:42show some sign of mal adjustment.
0:53:42 > 0:53:47If you look at a group of children in single-parent families,
0:53:47 > 0:53:51you find 25 to 30%. What this means is that
0:53:51 > 0:53:57the majority of children in both these groups are absolutely fine.
0:53:57 > 0:54:00So here you have 85%,
0:54:00 > 0:54:02in the other group you have 75%,
0:54:02 > 0:54:07now they don't look quite so different when you look at these statistics.
0:54:07 > 0:54:10At the positive side of it, yeah.
0:54:10 > 0:54:13What this means is that the problem isn't the single parent
0:54:13 > 0:54:17because the majority of the children in the single-parent families
0:54:17 > 0:54:19are doing just fine.
0:54:19 > 0:54:22I like to think in terms of three types of factors
0:54:22 > 0:54:24that help explain it.
0:54:24 > 0:54:28So the first of those have to do with the children's relationships
0:54:28 > 0:54:30- with their parents.- OK.
0:54:30 > 0:54:34Second factor is the amount of conflict
0:54:34 > 0:54:36that the parents are engaged in.
0:54:36 > 0:54:41- We have lots of evidence that conflict isn't good for children. - Of course.
0:54:41 > 0:54:47And then the third factor has to do with the social and economic circumstances.
0:54:47 > 0:54:50For as long as I've been around,
0:54:50 > 0:54:54the single most economically disadvantaged groups
0:54:54 > 0:54:56have been single mothers.
0:54:56 > 0:54:59So it's not the fact that you are a single mother, it's the fact
0:54:59 > 0:55:04that you're a single mother possibly facing one of these struggles.
0:55:04 > 0:55:09Which MAY make it more difficult for your children, but in most cases,
0:55:09 > 0:55:16most single mothers are raising their children as well as most,
0:55:16 > 0:55:21two-parent, or married mothers, or cohabiting mothers.
0:55:21 > 0:55:25So it is important to remember that actually
0:55:25 > 0:55:29the majority of kids, the majority of families do fine.
0:55:30 > 0:55:33Yeah. It's good to know, that is!
0:55:39 > 0:55:44'My visit to the professor feels like a weight off my shoulders.
0:55:44 > 0:55:48'When I started this film, I felt ashamed to be a single mum.
0:55:48 > 0:55:51'It's like the club that no-one wants to join.
0:55:51 > 0:55:55'What I've learned is that although circumstances might have
0:55:55 > 0:56:00'changed dramatically over the years, we don't have to go to workhouses,
0:56:00 > 0:56:04'we don't have to give up our babies for adoption, or hide our kids away.
0:56:04 > 0:56:09'There is a stigma that has never completely gone away.'
0:56:09 > 0:56:12I feel really privileged to have met women who are willing to kind of
0:56:12 > 0:56:16put aside that shame and speak to me and share their stories with me.
0:56:16 > 0:56:19It really helped me, it helped me understand,
0:56:19 > 0:56:23and also to get rid of some of my own shame.
0:56:24 > 0:56:25I feel that...
0:56:27 > 0:56:30..yeah, it's not the ideal situation,
0:56:30 > 0:56:32it's not the best situation in the world,
0:56:32 > 0:56:36but what single mothers deserve more than anything is respect.
0:56:57 > 0:57:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:57:00 > 0:57:03E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk