0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language from the start.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07I've got a mirror opposite my bed,
0:00:07 > 0:00:09and I look in the mirror and say, "Eff off, cancer."
0:00:09 > 0:00:12When I look in the mirror, I don't see the same person.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14I laugh all the time.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17I've had, erm, a long life.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Erm, I'm ready to die.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25Do you ever wonder what YOU'D do if you were given a terminal diagnosis
0:00:25 > 0:00:29and told you may only have months to live?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Being told you've got a terminal illness
0:00:32 > 0:00:33hasn't got to be a death sentence.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35It can actually be a live sentence.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37I don't ever like to say that I'm dying.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40I'm NOT dying. I'm living.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45I set out to find people who knew death was round the corner,
0:00:45 > 0:00:49but had chosen to make the most of the time they had left.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52My life isn't about motor neurone disease.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- What's it about?- It's about going out and having fun.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59For the 12 people in this film,
0:00:59 > 0:01:03their impending death came as a complete surprise.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- MAN:- I've always lived my life expecting things to go wrong,
0:01:06 > 0:01:10and they usually do, so...it didn't really bother me.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14I wanted to find out what they'd discovered about themselves
0:01:14 > 0:01:16and about life.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20I think cancer has taught me a lot about what matters in life
0:01:20 > 0:01:24and it isn't about having a long life, it's about having a good life.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27This is not a film about death and dying.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29My death is an adventure.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I've never done this before.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33In some ways, are you happier than you've ever been?
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Yes. And every day that goes by, I'm happier.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I've stolen another day.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43This is a film about living.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I used to worry all the time what other people thought of me.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56And now I really don't give a fuck!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Good!
0:02:01 > 0:02:04My name is Fi, and I was 30 years old when I was told
0:02:04 > 0:02:06that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Before I got diagnosed, I was really busy, I was working,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15so I was constantly on the go and I never, ever stopped.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24By the age of 25 I had a PhD, I just kind of was really ambitious,
0:02:24 > 0:02:25really, really driven.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Ewan and I had been married a couple of years
0:02:29 > 0:02:31and we were looking to have children
0:02:31 > 0:02:34and the plan was that I would be working and he would take time off.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38We just kind of felt we had it all sorted.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Do you look back on your former self and think, "urgh"?
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Yeah, I look back on who I was before all the time and just think,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51you know, it was crazy how I was just so busy,
0:02:51 > 0:02:53always worrying what people thought,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55always wanting to be the best at everything
0:02:55 > 0:02:58and now realising that none of that actually matters.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Death was now sitting on my shoulder and it wasn't...
0:03:04 > 0:03:06it wasn't in the distant future,
0:03:06 > 0:03:08it wasn't something I could ignore any more, so, for me,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I always view it that I've got just six months left.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17This week I had an update meeting with the surgeons
0:03:17 > 0:03:20about what my operation's going to involve.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24What they're going to do is an incision from my breastbone,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26all the way down.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29And then they're going to complete a full hysterectomy,
0:03:29 > 0:03:31which involves removing...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33my womb.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38We knew early on that we wouldn't be able to have children,
0:03:38 > 0:03:42and it did upset me at the start but, as it went on, there was almost
0:03:42 > 0:03:45a comfort in knowing that that was definitely out of window.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50So after I got diagnosed, we got a rescue dog.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54When we got him, they said no-one else wanted him
0:03:54 > 0:03:57because he was falling to bits, and that's what made me want him,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59so he just sits with me after chemotherapy
0:03:59 > 0:04:02and he's just there and is a comfort.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Chemotherapy was utterly brutal.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09It's like being tortured.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12And I remember saying to my husband, you know,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14"I now understand why people give up."
0:04:17 > 0:04:20But Ewan was so stricken with grief
0:04:20 > 0:04:24and it was at that stage that I realised that I had a choice.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I could either give in to this and just be miserable
0:04:28 > 0:04:30or I could be positive.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34'I hate people getting upset around me.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37'I think that's just... they're anticipating my death
0:04:37 > 0:04:39'rather than enjoying my life.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44'And I do tell people to piss off if they're crying in front of me!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- 'Really?- Yeah.'
0:04:47 > 0:04:49So, is Ewan allowed to get upset?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Yeah, Ewan can get upset.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58I hate to ask you this because this feels like a stupid question,
0:04:58 > 0:05:02- but would you have liked to live longer?- Oh.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Sorry, I'm now thinking.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13I think, if my choice had been to live longer and not have cancer
0:05:13 > 0:05:16and not have the insight that I've got, I wouldn't take it.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20I think I would rather have my cancer diagnosis
0:05:20 > 0:05:22and have changed my life the way I have.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23So, no.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25That's a remarkable answer.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- Yeah, I think... - Does it surprise you?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31No, I think it's something I think about quite a lot,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33that I was, kind of, wasting life before.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38And I would never have appreciated life if it hadn't been for cancer.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40So cancer's definitely been a gift.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42And if my exchange for that is time,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44then, I'm willing to accept that gift.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51If you've got a limited amount of time,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- then what do you want to spend it doing?- Laughing.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Having a good time. Having fun.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Admiring my wonderful breasts...
0:05:59 > 0:06:01that are made out of my tummy.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I'm 50, and when I take my bra off, they don't move.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05That's quite nice, isn't it?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10My name's Lisa.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13I was 48 when I was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16And I was given 12 to 18 months to live.
0:06:21 > 0:06:26I'd been given the all-clear and we had a fantastic carefree Christmas.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31And I was in the bath.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36And I found a lump in my neck. And I knew. I just knew.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37I thought, "My Lord, it's back."
0:06:40 > 0:06:44I remember going in to see my breast surgeon.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49And I said, "OK, all I need is three years
0:06:49 > 0:06:51"to get my girls into university."
0:06:51 > 0:06:54And she just shook her head and said, "No."
0:06:56 > 0:06:59So, when we came back from the hospital, they were waiting.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02And Georgie said, "How bad is it?"
0:07:03 > 0:07:05And I said, "It's as bad as it can get, love."
0:07:05 > 0:07:07I said, "It's terminal."
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Girls?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Georgia! Ellie!
0:07:12 > 0:07:14' "And...
0:07:15 > 0:07:18' "..probably, 18 months, 2 years, max.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21' "Be lucky to see you out of A-levels." '
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I like the little stars, don't you?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27' "But your future's yours.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31' "This disease will probably take your mother.'
0:07:31 > 0:07:35"It's up to you if you let it take your future.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39"So this is not an excuse to go off the rails,
0:07:39 > 0:07:41"it is not an excuse to fail at school."
0:07:42 > 0:07:44But if it all works out according to your plan,
0:07:44 > 0:07:47you're going to come out really well, because you're going to get
0:07:47 > 0:07:50three A-levels and two ASs, so that's, you know.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53' "The way to fight this is to carry on
0:07:53 > 0:07:56' "without this thing ruining your life." '
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- Do you fear for their future without you there?- No.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Because that's a bit futile, isn't it?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13I can't control that.
0:08:13 > 0:08:19All I can do is be here now, doing the best I can.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Like every mum.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30I'm really pleased with it because that came up. See that Lobelia?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34'Is there any way in which you can see positives in this diagnosis?
0:08:34 > 0:08:35'Absolutely.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38'I've been given a heads-up.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40'I can live the life I want to live
0:08:40 > 0:08:42'and do the things I want to do
0:08:42 > 0:08:44'and put my house in order.'
0:08:45 > 0:08:49I had very, very, very good life insurance.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50'I've been able to retire.'
0:08:52 > 0:08:55It allows you to DO things instead of talking about them.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Is there an intensity that comes with it, Lisa?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Oh, yes, yeah.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05It is in a different way now. It's a gentler intensity.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07It's like, you know, this sounds...
0:09:08 > 0:09:11..I don't know... but the colours ARE brighter.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14'The trees ARE greener.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18'I notice the colour of my girls' hair.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21'Because you notice things.'
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I try to drink my husband's face in.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I try to remember every feature.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Um, and his hands. He's got the most beautiful hands.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37And I look at them more these days.
0:09:45 > 0:09:50'Now, when you are lying in bed for months on end
0:09:50 > 0:09:54'and you cease to look like a human being...
0:09:55 > 0:09:57'..and your husband tells you...'
0:09:57 > 0:10:01you still look like the girl he fell in love with...
0:10:04 > 0:10:06You know, that takes a special man.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12'I'm not a 50-year-old woman with cancer who looks like she's been
0:10:12 > 0:10:14'in a shark attack when she takes her clothes off.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18'He has treasured me.'
0:10:23 > 0:10:25If I allow myself to think...
0:10:27 > 0:10:28..or imagine...
0:10:29 > 0:10:32..my girls getting married without me there...
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Or...
0:10:38 > 0:10:40..my parents at Christmas-time.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Or...
0:10:45 > 0:10:47my husband...
0:10:48 > 0:10:50..waking up every day on his own.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Or never being able to watch Poldark again.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59If I allow myself to do that, this happens.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02That's not good.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Am I doing myself...any good...
0:11:06 > 0:11:07doing this right now?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10No, I'm not.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Have you thought of having a big party before you go or not?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- Oh, we are having that.- Oh! Silly me!
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Next ye... Of course!
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Next year we're having a joint 50th.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24And if that's my last hurrah, it may not be,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26but if it is, that'll be lovely.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30And also, if I make it to August '18,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33that'll be our 20th wedding anniversary,
0:11:33 > 0:11:37and we are retaking our vows in the Saxon church here.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40'And it's already in the vicar's diary.'
0:11:46 > 0:11:48I was a typical man.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51I went to work, I had a family.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54My job was pretty full-on
0:11:54 > 0:11:58and it was 11-hour days and some weekend work.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Hi, my name's Kevin. I was 49 years old
0:12:02 > 0:12:05when I was diagnosed with incurable prostate cancer.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11'I have three children. My eldest children live with their mum.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15'My daughter, Hayley, she's 18, Ben is 16,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18'and Ollie's 11, and he's just started high school.'
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Before I told them, I didn't really know what to say or how to say it.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27And I went on to one of the charities' websites
0:12:27 > 0:12:30and it talked about how you tell your children.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34They knew that there was some bad news coming.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37And they thought I was going to tell them Grandad was going to die,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39and they were quite shocked when I said it was me
0:12:39 > 0:12:43that actually had prostate cancer and that I was going to die.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Actually, that's not quite true.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48I said I had prostate cancer and it wasn't curable.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52And we cried a bit. You know, lots of big hugs.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Bit like the Teletubbies, really.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Then I went to the park with the three kids and played football,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00just to prove that even though I had this, sort of, rubbish disease,
0:13:00 > 0:13:02it didn't mean we had to stop doing things we always did.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08'When I was first diagnosed, I was sad about everything all the time.'
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Wake up at one in the morning and just cry for three hours.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15And I remember being very conscious that I mustn't wake my wife up
0:13:15 > 0:13:18because I didn't want to share the burden with her,
0:13:18 > 0:13:20so I would just lie there and sob quietly to myself.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I came home from the first dose of chemotherapy
0:13:26 > 0:13:29and I felt like I had to behave a certain way.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37And I shuffled out of the car, up the steps into my front room,
0:13:37 > 0:13:41sat in the armchair, a bit like a really, really old person.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47The next morning I woke up and I thought, this is a defining moment.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52Now is the time I either lie in bed or get up and do something.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I got up and I said, "I'm going to go for a run."
0:13:56 > 0:13:57My wife looked at me and said,
0:13:57 > 0:13:59"No, you can't go for a run, you've just had chemotherapy."
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I said, "Why can't I?"
0:14:04 > 0:14:06And I ran three miles.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09And I was very slow and I felt awful.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14But, mentally, I felt absolutely elated,
0:14:14 > 0:14:18cos I felt I could still do something.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Running is my salvation, really.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27How important is hope?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I don't really have any hope.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34That's not me. I deal in factual things and probability.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37There is no miracle cure.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40So the probable situation for me is that there will be something that
0:14:40 > 0:14:43might give me another few months but it's never going to cure me
0:14:43 > 0:14:47and it's never going to give me a whole more load of years.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51- TANNOY:- Cinq, quatre, trois, deux, un!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55'The one thing which I wanted to do since my diagnosis
0:14:55 > 0:14:58'is a race called the Marathon des Sables.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02'It is a marathon on a Sunday, a marathon on a Monday,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05'a marathon on Tuesday, a double marathon on Wednesday.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07'Thursday you get off,
0:15:07 > 0:15:09'a marathon on Friday and a half marathon on Saturday.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14'You do all of that in the Sahara, over sand dunes,
0:15:14 > 0:15:16'carrying 24lbs on your back.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20'I never really thought I would make it,'
0:15:20 > 0:15:24so getting to the start was actually my bucket list thing.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26It wasn't about finishing it.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42'Having any terminal illness has to be lonely at times.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44'And it is.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55'Running is the one thing where I can escape my reality.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58'It's like a miracle cure.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04'I feel like Captain Ahab at the wheel, with Moby-Dick'
0:16:04 > 0:16:07saying, "Come on, bring it on, how strong do you want to throw at me
0:16:07 > 0:16:10"because I'm still going to keep on going, you're not going to beat me."
0:16:10 > 0:16:13And that...I think that helps me get through cancer.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23'And in the end, yeah, maybe Moby-Dick's going to get me,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26'but along the way I'm going to give it a damn good fight.'
0:16:39 > 0:16:41I've had the job that I always wanted to have.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I have a husband and I'm incredibly happy.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48'I have four beautiful children.'
0:16:48 > 0:16:51And I just want to see them through childhood,
0:16:51 > 0:16:53so I'm going to fight like mad.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58'My name's Louise'
0:16:58 > 0:17:03and I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer when I was 44.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09'It's been 18 months since my stage 4 diagnosis.'
0:17:09 > 0:17:11And I do spend a very, very long time
0:17:11 > 0:17:14researching alternative treatments.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I would like to think that they are going to extend my life
0:17:19 > 0:17:21and they are extending the quality of my life.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24And I know that sometimes people probably think,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26"Oh, she's completely deluded, poor woman."
0:17:26 > 0:17:29But I've just got to hope that...
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I will defy the odds.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38I drink lots of vegetable juices.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I went vegan. I've got an infrared sauna upstairs.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Suitcases of supplements. Curcumin, that's turmeric.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Milk thistle is really good for the liver.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I don't eat any sugar. I don't have any alcohol.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53In fact, I'm much more healthy than I've probably ever been.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03'I'll tell you a conversation I had with Ned, he's the youngest,'
0:18:03 > 0:18:07and I wanted to know if he had thought about me dying.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I've never said to him directly, erm...
0:18:10 > 0:18:13"Mummy's probably going to die."
0:18:15 > 0:18:19So, then I said, "Have you ever thought about me dying?"
0:18:19 > 0:18:22And he looked out the window and he looked around,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25like he was embarrassed, and then I knew that he had.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28And I said, "It's OK if you have."
0:18:28 > 0:18:30And he said, "Yes." He goes, "Yes, I have."
0:18:32 > 0:18:34' "And what does that make you feel?"
0:18:34 > 0:18:37'I said, "I'm going to try not to, I'm trying really hard not to,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39' "but what if I do?" '
0:18:40 > 0:18:42He went, "Well...
0:18:42 > 0:18:46"You know, I think I might, I might cry, you know, a lot,
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"for maybe an hour."
0:18:49 > 0:18:53So then I went, "An hour?! You'd only cry for an hour?!"
0:18:53 > 0:18:56And then it was just, like, it broke...
0:18:56 > 0:19:00I felt so relieved that even though we'd not talked about it directly
0:19:00 > 0:19:05in that way, that he was under no illusion that I might die.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07And that kind of gave me comfort.
0:19:16 > 0:19:21I've, sort of, planned out what I want to do before I die.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26I feel really privileged that I've got the time to do that.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30It's about organising the photographs for the children,
0:19:30 > 0:19:34because I'm the only one who ever knows where anything is.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I'm going to knit them each a blanket.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41And, of course, if you've got a project,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43you can't die until your project's over.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47So, four children, four blankets, and a hopeless knitter,
0:19:47 > 0:19:52means I'll be working on that project for a very long time!
0:19:55 > 0:19:59I get to write them little messages, so they've got a block of postcards
0:19:59 > 0:20:01so that they can just, like, pick one out,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03and it just says things like...
0:20:04 > 0:20:09We always do a sweepstake when it's the World Cup,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12and that they have to still include a couple for me.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Ned is the one who,
0:20:19 > 0:20:23I just have been in terror of the idea of him without a mother.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26He's 13 now.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29A vulnerable time for a boy.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32And so I've sent him to my sister's for a term.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Hello.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- How are you?- Hello. - How are you, sweetie?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43'And my sister has got her own children
0:20:43 > 0:20:45'and she lives in Singapore.'
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Can you sit up straight? I can't see you properly.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53My ambition is that he builds a much closer relationship
0:20:53 > 0:20:56with Cecilia so that maybe, if I don't make it,
0:20:56 > 0:21:00that he could possibly go to school there.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03It's one of those things I was afraid of.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06And I feel like I've made just such a right decision
0:21:06 > 0:21:10to give him that life for when I'm not here.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- Love you.- Love you.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Bye.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Do you think you've learned quite a lot about life
0:21:17 > 0:21:19and about yourself because of this?
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Yes.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Have I? Well, I'm more brave than I thought I was.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29'I feel as if, if I didn't have my family,
0:21:29 > 0:21:32'I wonder if I would be so strong.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34'I...
0:21:34 > 0:21:40'I feel that I'm achieving the end of life'
0:21:40 > 0:21:44in a way that I would respect someone for doing.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47And every time I see the children happy
0:21:47 > 0:21:53and our family just functioning as normally as possible...
0:21:54 > 0:21:59..I'm so proud that we are managing to do this,
0:21:59 > 0:22:01erm, and not be...
0:22:01 > 0:22:07you know, dominated by the possible death of Mum.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19'If you said to me, did I want this project, I can think of other ones
0:22:19 > 0:22:22'I'd rather have than project managing my own death.'
0:22:28 > 0:22:31What's a little relief is I didn't want to grow old
0:22:31 > 0:22:33and be a miserable old bugger.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36'Jenny, I know, didn't ever want to have to tell me
0:22:36 > 0:22:39'I was so old I couldn't drive any more.'
0:22:39 > 0:22:42The relief is, we haven't got that problem now.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48'I'm Kevin, I'm 69 years old,'
0:22:48 > 0:22:51and four months ago I learned that I had incurable cancer.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55It's prostate cancer which has spread to my bones.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02The prognosis might give me an additional two years.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06To know how long you have helps you develop the game plan
0:23:06 > 0:23:07for coping with it.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Are you going to ring her later or do you want her to ring you?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I know that Martin couldn't make the meeting
0:23:14 > 0:23:16but I think he'll be pleased with the position we've got to.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Turns out that's a green day for me so that should be no problem at all.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26It's not consciously project managing my own death,
0:23:26 > 0:23:29but if you take a project management model
0:23:29 > 0:23:33you, kind of, set targets and you assess progress.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37And for somebody whose dad dropped dead at 64,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40so my mother was never able to say goodbye,
0:23:40 > 0:23:43it's a huge privilege to know that we've actually got some time.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47It's a real opportunity to live the rest of my life
0:23:47 > 0:23:49as positively as possible.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54My first wife died of cancer at the age of 49,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57but I only had a vague expectation
0:23:57 > 0:24:00that I would die one day.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04And what this gives you is clarity about that.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Real clarity.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11You read all the stuff about diet.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15And I know that I could become a green-tea-drinking vegan
0:24:15 > 0:24:17and that might give me a little while longer,
0:24:17 > 0:24:19but the things that have got me to 69,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22there's no point junking them now
0:24:22 > 0:24:24in case it gave me another two months
0:24:24 > 0:24:26because it's given me the 69 years I've had.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28And that includes a glass of wine.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Good for you!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I'm hugely lucky I've got a supportive wife
0:24:38 > 0:24:40who's on the journey with me for as long as she can be.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46But there'll come a point where our destinations diverge,
0:24:46 > 0:24:48cos I'm going to die and she's not.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51And I see my duty as her husband
0:24:51 > 0:24:55is to help her approach that new life as positively as she can.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59There's a Word document of all the things
0:24:59 > 0:25:01that I need to share with Jenny,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04and we've been through nearly all of them.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06That gives me great comfort because it means...
0:25:06 > 0:25:10it means that I'm loving her to the last possible moment.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I'll have the English breakfast, please.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16'Since the diagnosis four months ago,'
0:25:16 > 0:25:19we've actually had some of the best times of our life.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Thank you. That was a lovely breakfast. Thanks.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25The gift of life is somehow reinforced
0:25:25 > 0:25:28when suddenly you're reminded it's finite.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33When you know that you haven't got long,
0:25:33 > 0:25:35are there things that you think,
0:25:35 > 0:25:37"I'd like to sort that out before I die?"
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- Do you have any areas like that? - Yes, I do.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Yes, I do.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I...erm, I have two children.
0:25:44 > 0:25:49My daughter has just given birth to our first grandchild.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53And I talk to my daughter a lot more than I used to, as a result of this.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58I also have a son but, sadly, I have no contact with him.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02I haven't seen my son for some eight years.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Whatever I did wrong, I regret.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10If I could put that right in some way before I die,
0:26:10 > 0:26:12I would be delighted to.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20I'm not afraid of death.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24I think if I was 19, 29, 39, 49, instead of 69,
0:26:24 > 0:26:27I think I might well feel differently.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29I might well feel robbed of opportunity,
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I might well feel that I was entitled to longer.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38My job is to make my death as positive as possible,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41which means smiling to the end.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43And saying, "Goodbye. Thank you."
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Can you tell me something, Jolene, do you feel
0:26:59 > 0:27:02like you've been robbed of your life because you're so young?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Yeah, definitely.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08I feel really hard done by, but I think it teaches you a lot.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13My name is Jolene and I was 23 when I was told I had malignant melanoma
0:27:13 > 0:27:15and may only have 18 months to live.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21You just want to feel like a normal 20-something-year-old
0:27:21 > 0:27:23doing normal things.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27Hanging out with your friends, getting takeaway on a Friday night,
0:27:27 > 0:27:29going to work.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Hello, Sadler's Wells press office. Jolene speaking.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41I work at Sadler's Wells Theatre in the press and communications team.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44People don't focus on the fact that you're ill,
0:27:44 > 0:27:47they just focus on the work that you're doing
0:27:47 > 0:27:49and they care if you're doing a good job.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54But you were told that you might only have 18 months to live.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58Why on earth, Jolene, did you go back to work?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Work is important to me.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04To have something to focus on that isn't being ill
0:28:04 > 0:28:08is a big distraction, and I really enjoy that.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13I think it's hard to tell, as well, because they're in rehearsals,
0:28:13 > 0:28:15which has only just started this week...
0:28:15 > 0:28:17'I think, at my age, you just have to get on with it.'
0:28:17 > 0:28:21You either carry on or you choose to admit defeat.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23And I'm not ready for that yet.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28One of the best things I've ever done in this process
0:28:28 > 0:28:29is have my eyebrows tattooed.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33It's not really anything to do with vanity.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Basically, you want to fit in,
0:28:35 > 0:28:38and cancer makes you an outsider in a world full of insiders.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43I never know whether to actually smile.
0:28:44 > 0:28:49I like that I look well. I like that I don't look ill.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Tell me about blokes and boys and boyfriends.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Yeah, I definitely think that would be nice,
0:28:57 > 0:29:00but how do you introduce yourself to someone?
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Basically, "By the way, I'm dying, do you want to go out with me?"
0:29:03 > 0:29:05That's not going to happen, is it?
0:29:05 > 0:29:08Like, everyone goes, "Oh, yeah, it'll be fine."
0:29:08 > 0:29:10It wouldn't be fine! Like, that's a stupid idea!
0:29:14 > 0:29:17I've divided my life into two very clear segments in terms of me
0:29:17 > 0:29:22having my treatment and me having a life outside of that.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25I very much keep them separate as much as I can.
0:29:25 > 0:29:30I think that's actually quite key to me staying as positive as I am
0:29:30 > 0:29:32and as sane as I am.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34- I thought you went to Poland with that?- And Poland, yes.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36Remember I went to Dubai - you said,
0:29:36 > 0:29:37"You're never going to cope with the heat."
0:29:37 > 0:29:40- Not long till OUR break away! - I know.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42- When do you go? - We go on the 12th to the 15th,
0:29:42 > 0:29:43so it's, like, Saturday to Tuesday.
0:29:43 > 0:29:47'I guess nicer times are when I'm in London.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50'And then the other part is when I go home every three weeks
0:29:50 > 0:29:52'to have chemotherapy.'
0:29:53 > 0:29:56Are you quite proud of yourself, of what you've managed to do?
0:29:56 > 0:29:59Yeah, I'm really smug about it, if I'm honest.
0:29:59 > 0:30:05- Really?- I'm a bit like, "Hm, look at me, haven't I achieved a lot?"
0:30:05 > 0:30:09In terms of, obviously, being unwell
0:30:09 > 0:30:12and how I've, sort of, responded to treatment and overcome,
0:30:12 > 0:30:13I guess, a lot of hurdles.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18I definitely know that I'm going to keep fighting,
0:30:18 > 0:30:21but I know that eventually I won't win.
0:30:21 > 0:30:25But if I admit that I'm not going to win, then I'll lose sooner.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31- That's quite scary, that admission, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:30:31 > 0:30:36Because, ultimately, we all know that I'm living on borrowed time.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39Like, that's pretty hard to comprehend,
0:30:39 > 0:30:41but we all know it's true.
0:30:44 > 0:30:45Breathe deeply.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53Yeah, that's a real tough one.
0:31:01 > 0:31:05If I were to just admit to myself, like, I'm going to die,
0:31:05 > 0:31:07and I don't know how long it's going to be,
0:31:07 > 0:31:10I think I'd be worse off than I am now.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12- Do you think you'd die quicker? - Yeah.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20When I'm less well, I guess I'll end up going and living at home
0:31:20 > 0:31:24with my mum. I don't really want to do that any time soon or by choice
0:31:24 > 0:31:28because, to me, that's the beginning of, sort of, a downward spiral.
0:31:29 > 0:31:33Is it important to you that people think that you're strong?
0:31:33 > 0:31:36Yeah, it's REALLY important that people think I'm strong.
0:31:36 > 0:31:37I don't want to look weak.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40Why not?
0:31:40 > 0:31:42Because I think that's admitting defeat.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46So, I'm going to stay, you know,
0:31:46 > 0:31:50standing on my two feet independently for as long as I can.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00So, did your prognosis change you, Annabel?
0:32:00 > 0:32:02Did it make you a stronger person?
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Certainly, yeah.
0:32:04 > 0:32:08It made me a much more confident person than I had ever been before.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12'My name's Annabel.
0:32:12 > 0:32:17'I was 51 when I discovered that I had stage 4 cancer.'
0:32:20 > 0:32:23I decided to make myself a bucket list
0:32:23 > 0:32:26and my first thing was to...
0:32:26 > 0:32:29leave my husband.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34I met my husband at university.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36We were together 28 years.
0:32:37 > 0:32:41I had a good life in my marriage but I just felt trapped,
0:32:41 > 0:32:45completely trapped, and I wanted to just break free.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49I got some inheritance money from my family.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53I moved into my own flat.
0:32:53 > 0:32:58I took up art, painting, I went travelling all around the world,
0:32:58 > 0:33:00I took my children to different places.
0:33:01 > 0:33:05Knowing that I only had a short time to go...
0:33:05 > 0:33:10I thought, I just can't live my life just carrying on being a housewife.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14I wanted to spend the last two or three years
0:33:14 > 0:33:15doing something different.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20How did your children react?
0:33:20 > 0:33:23I did ask my children before I left,
0:33:23 > 0:33:27and they both actually agreed that I would be happier
0:33:27 > 0:33:30if I went and did my own thing.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37'I'd always wanted to learn salsa dancing.'
0:33:38 > 0:33:43It was a good way to meet new people and maybe meet a new partner.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48People didn't know I had a terminal illness,
0:33:48 > 0:33:51they just thought I had a dodgy leg.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55But it's a real shame I can't do it any more.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57It's one of the things I miss.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01When I left my husband,
0:34:01 > 0:34:04I didn't leave him for another man or anything,
0:34:04 > 0:34:08but I did need to make a new love life for myself.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10And I have done that.
0:34:13 > 0:34:17I've lived for four years now with bone cancer,
0:34:17 > 0:34:19and I think it's helped
0:34:19 > 0:34:23because I've lived such a positive life and changed so much of it.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29If I hadn't had the cancer, I'd just be a dull, sort of, person,
0:34:29 > 0:34:33but because of the cancer I've become a much more...
0:34:33 > 0:34:35interesting,
0:34:35 > 0:34:37outrageous,
0:34:37 > 0:34:40naughty older woman.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52My name is Paulette.
0:34:52 > 0:34:56I was 45 years old when I was diagnosed with Thymoma 3B.
0:35:00 > 0:35:04Everything happened very quickly and I went to see an oncologist.
0:35:04 > 0:35:09And I boldly asked him, "Well, how long do you think I have,
0:35:09 > 0:35:11"if this is so serious?"
0:35:11 > 0:35:14And he said, "Four months."
0:35:16 > 0:35:18You could have blown me away.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24I'd always been a very fit person.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27I love my swimming, running, netball.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33I work full-time in a secondary school.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36And I really enjoyed my job.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39I continued to enjoy it until my diagnosis.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49I've brought two boys up.
0:35:49 > 0:35:50Lovely boys.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55Since I was 25, I brought them up on my own.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58And it's been a challenge,
0:35:58 > 0:36:00especially having one with special needs,
0:36:00 > 0:36:02severe learning difficulties.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09Tell me how much and how important your faith is.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11Tremendously.
0:36:11 > 0:36:15God lives within me. I don't do one without the other.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17I am who I am because of him.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22Do you ever scold him and say,
0:36:22 > 0:36:24"Haven't I had enough problems to deal with?"
0:36:24 > 0:36:26- I've been mad. - Have you? Have you shouted at God?
0:36:26 > 0:36:28I've been mad. I shouted, I've screamed.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31Welcome, welcome. Thank you. Good morning, church.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33- ALL:- Good morning.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36"How dare you?! Look how good I've been to people,
0:36:36 > 0:36:38"and you turn round and do this."
0:36:38 > 0:36:43With this cancer that I have, I've decided that I'm going to go away,
0:36:43 > 0:36:47I'm going away in faith, but I will be in the hospital,
0:36:47 > 0:36:51and I will do what I need to do and I'll be on the journey with God.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53Thank you very much.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55APPLAUSE
0:36:58 > 0:37:00I grew up in a children's home
0:37:00 > 0:37:04and, um, I stayed there up until I was five years old.
0:37:06 > 0:37:10My mother was a schoolgirl mother, at 14 years old.
0:37:11 > 0:37:15I remember taking a coach at five years old
0:37:15 > 0:37:17with one of the ladies from the home,
0:37:17 > 0:37:22who said that I was going to stay with my gran, aunt and my uncle.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26I was never able to...
0:37:27 > 0:37:30..acknowledge my birth mother.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35But I always remember Bev, my mother,
0:37:35 > 0:37:38coming to see me every time I had a child.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41She would come and bring me a gift and we had pleasantry.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44We'd just say, "How are you?" I'd say, "Fine." And that was it.
0:37:46 > 0:37:51- So the cancer changed everything? - Everything. Everything, it changed.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53She was at my door straightaway.
0:37:53 > 0:37:55And since then, we've spoken every day.
0:37:56 > 0:38:00I can't believe how much she loves me.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03And I can't imagine life without her.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06And I won't have life without her now.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11That's been the best antidote for coping with cancer.
0:38:21 > 0:38:24What's helped you most get through this?
0:38:24 > 0:38:27'Having the support of Carrie, who...'
0:38:27 > 0:38:31is tremend...is just tremendous.
0:38:31 > 0:38:34'She keeps everything together.'
0:38:36 > 0:38:40I've been with Carrie since we were 18 - her 18th birthday.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45Been married for nine years.
0:38:46 > 0:38:50Been working as a police officer for 14 years.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57General stresses of two young children!
0:38:58 > 0:39:01We were exactly where we wanted to be.
0:39:05 > 0:39:10My name's Steve, and last year, at the age of 36,
0:39:10 > 0:39:15I was diagnosed with a grade 4 brain tumour...
0:39:16 > 0:39:20..that had an average life expectancy of two years.
0:39:24 > 0:39:28'The first 18 months have been really positive.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32'I've still managed to get around because I can still talk'
0:39:32 > 0:39:35and communicate, and I can still walk and I'm still able to work.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39'Does it feel like a fight?
0:39:40 > 0:39:43'Erm...it did to start off with.
0:39:43 > 0:39:47'Because I thought there was a chance I was going to win.'
0:39:47 > 0:39:49But, yeah, more recently it's been...
0:39:50 > 0:39:51..tougher.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57'Do you ever kick and shout and scream?
0:39:57 > 0:40:00- 'Erm...- Or do you just cry?
0:40:00 > 0:40:01'Cry mainly.
0:40:01 > 0:40:05'And then spend the next hour feeling guilty
0:40:05 > 0:40:08'and apologising to those that have had to see it.'
0:40:08 > 0:40:10- And...- What are you apologising for? Grumpiness?
0:40:10 > 0:40:13Grumpiness, snappiness,
0:40:13 > 0:40:16the fact that I've brought this into the family.
0:40:16 > 0:40:17Erm...
0:40:18 > 0:40:22And that I've... I'm doing this to everyone
0:40:22 > 0:40:24and knowing that...
0:40:24 > 0:40:28in the not-too-distant future it's going to get a lot worse.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36I've been prescribed anti-depressants,
0:40:36 > 0:40:38but I haven't taken any. I've...
0:40:39 > 0:40:41I'm too stubborn.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44- You see it as a weakness. - I do, I do.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51In your heart...
0:40:52 > 0:40:54- Sorry to ask this.- It's OK.
0:40:55 > 0:40:56What do you think?
0:40:57 > 0:40:59I've been given January.
0:41:01 > 0:41:02So that's where I am.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07- I've got until then. - How long is that?
0:41:08 > 0:41:10I don't think about it.
0:41:10 > 0:41:12I try not to think about it.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16But it's not long. It's not very long at all.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27It's been an eventful two weeks.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29There's been some quite massive developments.
0:41:31 > 0:41:35'So I had my first seizure on Monday.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38'I was seizing for about ten minutes.'
0:41:38 > 0:41:41Um, I remember nothing about it.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43Coat on.
0:41:44 > 0:41:45Go on.
0:41:45 > 0:41:49'And it's been something I've been worried about since being diagnosed.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53'The kids seeing their dad collapse.
0:41:53 > 0:41:55'Luckily they weren't here.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06'And we told them when they got home from school,
0:42:06 > 0:42:10'and the only thing they heard was, "Daddy fell off the toilet," '
0:42:10 > 0:42:11and they thought that was hilarious, which...
0:42:11 > 0:42:14- Was that a huge relief? - Yes, massive.
0:42:14 > 0:42:16Massive. Yeah.
0:42:16 > 0:42:17Yeah.
0:42:17 > 0:42:21To know that they can find the comedy aspect in it...
0:42:21 > 0:42:23is brill...yeah, it's brilliant.
0:42:26 > 0:42:30'Anti-depressants, which is a massive step for me,'
0:42:30 > 0:42:34to admit that I would need some extra help
0:42:34 > 0:42:37in the form of anti-depressants, anything like that,
0:42:37 > 0:42:39is a big step for me.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42You do seem much happier.
0:42:42 > 0:42:46Well, people are telling me that, which is a worry,
0:42:46 > 0:42:49cos I don't feel any different, but I must have been miserable!
0:42:56 > 0:42:58'What has helped is the seizure.'
0:43:00 > 0:43:03I could have died Monday
0:43:03 > 0:43:06and not known anything about it.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08At all.
0:43:09 > 0:43:13When that final moment does happen, I'm going to suggest
0:43:13 > 0:43:15I'll know nothing about that either.
0:43:16 > 0:43:20So some of the fear I had about that has gone.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25- That was lovely. Thank you. - It's all right.
0:43:25 > 0:43:27- Thank you very much.- You're welcome.
0:43:32 > 0:43:34It was a great life.
0:43:34 > 0:43:35It was all fun.
0:43:35 > 0:43:37It was never, ever boring.
0:43:37 > 0:43:41And that's the whole thing for me. I haven't got to be bored.
0:43:48 > 0:43:51I always thought I was going to be that old lady of 100
0:43:51 > 0:43:55that you read about in the paper, who's parachuting out of a plane.
0:43:55 > 0:43:57That was my idea of myself.
0:43:59 > 0:44:03I'm Anita, and two weeks before my 70th birthday,
0:44:03 > 0:44:06I was diagnosed with motor neurone disease.
0:44:11 > 0:44:13Did you ask them how long you had?
0:44:13 > 0:44:17The average is three to five years after diagnosis.
0:44:19 > 0:44:23Some people live longer, some people are gone within six months.
0:44:25 > 0:44:28There's no point in me being miserable about it
0:44:28 > 0:44:31because if I've got a short time left to live,
0:44:31 > 0:44:34then it's even more important that I make the most of every day
0:44:34 > 0:44:36and be happy every day.
0:44:38 > 0:44:41I joined a site on the internet for women
0:44:41 > 0:44:43who want to find travel companions.
0:44:43 > 0:44:47That's the best thing I ever did after my husband died.
0:44:53 > 0:44:57As soon as I got home from one fantastic trip,
0:44:57 > 0:45:01I would be sitting on the internet looking to book another one.
0:45:01 > 0:45:03You know, "When's the next?"
0:45:06 > 0:45:09So, although my husband didn't leave me any money,
0:45:09 > 0:45:12he did leave me all his coins and his stamp collection...
0:45:14 > 0:45:18..which I then sold on eBay, and that was my travel account.
0:45:23 > 0:45:25I've had a wonderful life
0:45:25 > 0:45:30and I'm still managing to squeeze a bit more out of it.
0:45:32 > 0:45:34Hey!
0:45:38 > 0:45:42'Obviously, we all want to live a wonderful, long life,
0:45:42 > 0:45:47'full of quality for a long time, but if that's taken away from you,'
0:45:47 > 0:45:50you've absolutely got to make sure you've got the quality every day.
0:45:54 > 0:45:58I don't want to see this disease through to the end...
0:46:02 > 0:46:05..because my brain will remain as it is,
0:46:05 > 0:46:09while my body completely gives up.
0:46:11 > 0:46:14And eventually I will need 24-hour care
0:46:14 > 0:46:17and I don't have the money to pay for that care.
0:46:20 > 0:46:24I could have gone and lived with my son, but I don't want to do that.
0:46:24 > 0:46:27I don't... I'm just too independent.
0:46:27 > 0:46:30I have to live my own life here.
0:46:30 > 0:46:34And when I can't do that any more, then I've had enough. That'll do.
0:46:35 > 0:46:37What have you decided, then?
0:46:38 > 0:46:42I've decided that when the time comes
0:46:42 > 0:46:44I will go to Switzerland.
0:46:45 > 0:46:49I don't want to go, and I will have to go too early
0:46:49 > 0:46:52because I need to be fit enough to travel.
0:46:54 > 0:46:57I wish I could do it in my own home, that's all I wish.
0:46:57 > 0:46:59I want to stay here and do it.
0:47:00 > 0:47:02You're not a rich woman, are you,
0:47:02 > 0:47:04so how have you managed to afford it?
0:47:04 > 0:47:07It will take every last penny I've got.
0:47:08 > 0:47:10I'm not worried about dying at all.
0:47:12 > 0:47:14What I want to know is that I'm going to die
0:47:14 > 0:47:16with some sort of dignity.
0:47:17 > 0:47:20I'm taking the easy way out.
0:47:23 > 0:47:24Why do you think it's easy?
0:47:24 > 0:47:28All I've got to do is go on another trip. Another aeroplane ride.
0:47:29 > 0:47:31Drink a drink.
0:47:31 > 0:47:33Off I go.
0:47:33 > 0:47:37Wonderful. That is how we all want to go, isn't it?
0:47:48 > 0:47:50My death is an adventure.
0:47:51 > 0:47:54I've never done this before. This is all new to me.
0:47:59 > 0:48:04I'm Cindy, and I was 69 when I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma.
0:48:05 > 0:48:08Do you still enjoy your life?
0:48:08 > 0:48:11I enjoy my life incredibly, yes.
0:48:11 > 0:48:14In some sense I enjoy it far more than I ever had before.
0:48:14 > 0:48:18And I think having a death sentence really helps me with that.
0:48:21 > 0:48:23Do you think you're better equipped than many
0:48:23 > 0:48:27at dealing with your impending death?
0:48:28 > 0:48:31I think both the Buddhism and the mindfulness
0:48:31 > 0:48:35have really honed my way of being with...
0:48:35 > 0:48:37whatever happens in life.
0:48:38 > 0:48:42Buddhism doesn't make a big distinction between life and death.
0:48:42 > 0:48:44- That's helpful.- That's a big help.
0:48:51 > 0:48:55I asked the haematologist what would happen if I would stop all chemo.
0:48:55 > 0:48:59And there was shock and horror on their faces.
0:48:59 > 0:49:02NOT what they wanted to hear.
0:49:02 > 0:49:05And I was told at that point that it would be probably a matter of weeks
0:49:05 > 0:49:08rather than months that I would have to live,
0:49:08 > 0:49:10which did shock me.
0:49:10 > 0:49:15I knew that death was coming, but it was, "Ooh, weeks. Ah."
0:49:17 > 0:49:20It was, for me, very much a choice of quality of life,
0:49:20 > 0:49:25and that was far more important to me than how LONG my life would be.
0:49:25 > 0:49:27So I said, "OK, I'll take weeks."
0:49:27 > 0:49:31And actually I've had seven or eight months.
0:49:34 > 0:49:37I decided that it was important for me to be at the cottage
0:49:37 > 0:49:38for my last summer.
0:49:41 > 0:49:44My cottage is definitely my soul home.
0:49:45 > 0:49:46It's a, erm...
0:49:46 > 0:49:51little 500-year-old derelict cottage that my husband and I bought
0:49:51 > 0:49:53about 25, 26 years ago.
0:49:54 > 0:49:58This is not a wealthy person's country cottage!
0:49:58 > 0:50:00This is rather primitive.
0:50:01 > 0:50:03Since my husband died,
0:50:03 > 0:50:07I've found it a lot easier to not be so...
0:50:07 > 0:50:10attached to this life.
0:50:14 > 0:50:18I've stopped all chemo treatment. I'm still having pain relief.
0:50:18 > 0:50:21And I am having to up that.
0:50:22 > 0:50:26This might sound perverse, but I've always wanted to have SOME pain
0:50:26 > 0:50:29so that my body speaks to me.
0:50:33 > 0:50:35So my palliative care consultant said,
0:50:35 > 0:50:38"I think we have different goals."
0:50:39 > 0:50:42She said, "My goal for you is no pain, but that's clearly
0:50:42 > 0:50:43"not quite yours, is it?"
0:50:43 > 0:50:47So we work very well together and we're working on
0:50:47 > 0:50:50getting the pain just manageable.
0:50:55 > 0:50:56There is a big assumption
0:50:56 > 0:50:58that because of my background as a counsellor,
0:50:58 > 0:51:02a psychotherapist, a Buddhist, a mindfulness teacher,
0:51:02 > 0:51:06all these things, that I couldn't possibly need any help.
0:51:09 > 0:51:11I wanted to die in a hospice,
0:51:11 > 0:51:15and there I met other people like me
0:51:15 > 0:51:17who have a terminal illness
0:51:17 > 0:51:20and we could just be normal people together.
0:51:21 > 0:51:23And that was a revelation to me.
0:51:29 > 0:51:33Paulette was a totally unencumbered friendship.
0:51:34 > 0:51:37I've got lots of friends, very dear friends...
0:51:38 > 0:51:42..many of whom find it terribly hard to see me dying.
0:51:42 > 0:51:46..happen someday. I'm old, I'm old.
0:51:46 > 0:51:48I've had a long life.
0:51:49 > 0:51:53Paulette, you know, she's not going to burst into tears
0:51:53 > 0:51:54cos I'm dying.
0:51:56 > 0:51:58'We have a laugh.
0:51:58 > 0:52:00'We're both enjoying life.'
0:52:01 > 0:52:04And we're able to talk to one another
0:52:04 > 0:52:09about quite deep things that we don't want to necessarily share
0:52:09 > 0:52:11with our family and friends
0:52:11 > 0:52:14'because we don't want to frighten them.
0:52:15 > 0:52:17'It's a bit of normal.
0:52:17 > 0:52:19'I hadn't realised...
0:52:20 > 0:52:22'..how much I needed that.'
0:52:22 > 0:52:24- Yes, I did.- Fantastic!
0:52:24 > 0:52:26'Are you scared of death?'
0:52:27 > 0:52:30I was terrified of death...
0:52:31 > 0:52:33..in relation to my husband's death.
0:52:36 > 0:52:40And I think his death freed me not to be afraid of my own death.
0:52:43 > 0:52:45I've had a long life.
0:52:45 > 0:52:49I don't want it to go on indefinitely.
0:52:51 > 0:52:53Erm, I'm ready to die.
0:53:02 > 0:53:04After a few months, people ring up
0:53:04 > 0:53:07and there's a definite pause in the conversation
0:53:07 > 0:53:09and I know exactly what they're thinking.
0:53:09 > 0:53:12"He's still alive. What the hell is he doing still alive?
0:53:12 > 0:53:15"He's supposed to have died six months ago."
0:53:16 > 0:53:20So you get, sort of, um, sympathy fatigue setting in.
0:53:20 > 0:53:25I'm Nigel. I was told about 20 months ago, when I was 69,
0:53:25 > 0:53:29that I had a grade 4 brain tumour -
0:53:29 > 0:53:31the nastiest sort you can get.
0:53:31 > 0:53:34Yes, I think I can see mine.
0:53:34 > 0:53:36Yea, and I can't see mine.
0:53:36 > 0:53:38'I wasn't at all surprised.'
0:53:38 > 0:53:41I've always lived my life expecting things to go wrong,
0:53:41 > 0:53:44and they usually do, so it didn't really bother me!
0:53:44 > 0:53:47- You've got to watch where it goes. - Yes, I'm watching.
0:53:47 > 0:53:50- All right, come on. - I'm going over there to get mine.
0:53:51 > 0:53:54'I'm probably the worst golfer in the countryside.'
0:53:54 > 0:53:56But my friend, Simon, plays with me,
0:53:56 > 0:53:59and he looks for my ball cos I can't see it.
0:53:59 > 0:54:02So it's going to go round to the right, is it?
0:54:03 > 0:54:05I tend to be looking for it over here
0:54:05 > 0:54:09and I get tapped on the shoulder and told it's gone that way.
0:54:11 > 0:54:12'It's a strange situation
0:54:12 > 0:54:15'cos you can't avoid being the centre of attention.'
0:54:15 > 0:54:17The best people are the people who just say, "You're a stupid arse,
0:54:17 > 0:54:20"Get on with your life." That's much easier to handle.
0:54:20 > 0:54:22But kindness is difficult to handle.
0:54:23 > 0:54:26As a result of my lessons, my golf has got considerably worse.
0:54:27 > 0:54:30'Did I think they were going to find a miracle cure? No, I never did.
0:54:30 > 0:54:32'It's fatal to raise your expectations
0:54:32 > 0:54:34'cos they can only be dashed.'
0:54:34 > 0:54:38And then, as time went on, people, friends would ring up,
0:54:38 > 0:54:42very lovingly, say, "Have you tried this in Dakota?
0:54:42 > 0:54:43"South Dakota?"
0:54:43 > 0:54:46Or, "Have you tried this new cancer treatment in Brooklyn?"
0:54:46 > 0:54:48And, "Have you tried this?"
0:54:48 > 0:54:51And I thought, "That's interesting." Then I thought, "No, forget it."
0:54:51 > 0:54:53Who's waiting for who?
0:54:53 > 0:54:56- HE MUMBLES - Pardon?
0:54:56 > 0:54:58Driving is a bit of a sore subject.
0:54:58 > 0:55:01I am naturally...erm, bossy.
0:55:01 > 0:55:04And poor Denise does all the driving and she's very good.
0:55:04 > 0:55:07She might get a muddle occasionally.
0:55:09 > 0:55:11What? I didn't touch it.
0:55:11 > 0:55:13You jolly nearly hit the car on the left.
0:55:13 > 0:55:14I did not, Nigel.
0:55:15 > 0:55:18She doesn't take very kindly to my instruction.
0:55:18 > 0:55:22So I have to tread a rather careful line.
0:55:22 > 0:55:26- Am I going over the bridge or down? Which way?- No, round, round.
0:55:26 > 0:55:28- Down the bottom bit? - Yes, down the bottom bit.- OK.
0:55:30 > 0:55:32You only have to say, you don't have to...
0:55:32 > 0:55:34- Well, it's a bit bloody...- You don't need to get annoyed, just tell me.
0:55:34 > 0:55:36How long have you been driving here?
0:55:36 > 0:55:40Do you feel as though you're putting a brave face on it or not?
0:55:40 > 0:55:42Yeah, I've thought about that.
0:55:42 > 0:55:44Do I put on a brave face and, at three o'clock in the morning,
0:55:44 > 0:55:45weep buckets?
0:55:45 > 0:55:49I don't. I genuinely don't. I really don't, to my surprise.
0:55:49 > 0:55:51Are you all right?
0:55:51 > 0:55:54I'll tell you when we get to the end of the journey.
0:55:55 > 0:55:58I keep thinking, am I in denial? But I don't think I am.
0:55:58 > 0:56:01I know I've got cancer, I know I'm going to die.
0:56:01 > 0:56:02There we are.
0:56:03 > 0:56:05Miracle.
0:56:08 > 0:56:12'Somebody said, "Do you have targets you want to get to?"
0:56:12 > 0:56:14'And I said, "No, I studiously avoid that because,
0:56:14 > 0:56:16' "as soon as you do that, you keel over." '
0:56:18 > 0:56:22But then I realised that, actually, there WAS a target that I...
0:56:29 > 0:56:31..was keen on...
0:56:33 > 0:56:36..which is one of the children's wedding.
0:56:39 > 0:56:41Helpless.
0:56:46 > 0:56:47Erm...
0:56:47 > 0:56:50which is next weekend, down in Cornwall.
0:56:52 > 0:56:54So that will be good.
0:56:55 > 0:56:57BELLS CHIME
0:57:00 > 0:57:03I'm glad you haven't asked me about my career
0:57:03 > 0:57:06because that's about as catastrophic as it could have been.
0:57:07 > 0:57:09Do you see yourself as a bit of a failure?
0:57:09 > 0:57:12Erm, almost a complete failure, yes.
0:57:15 > 0:57:18But since I met Denise and her family,
0:57:18 > 0:57:20that has had the most...
0:57:21 > 0:57:23..profound effect on my life.
0:57:25 > 0:57:27'Some people probably say they need faith.
0:57:27 > 0:57:30'Well, the faith that I've got is with all of that lot.
0:57:31 > 0:57:33'It's a bit corny talking about it,
0:57:33 > 0:57:37'but it's being loved that really, really matters.
0:57:39 > 0:57:42'I was pretty sure I wasn't going to make it.'
0:57:42 > 0:57:46I'd assumed I would have been long since pushing up daisies.
0:57:46 > 0:57:48Erm...
0:57:48 > 0:57:51but for some peculiar reason, I'm still here.
0:57:56 > 0:57:59I set out to make a film about living, not dying.
0:58:01 > 0:58:06Everyone I talked to in this film knew that death was coming soon,
0:58:06 > 0:58:10but they made a choice to make the most of the life they had left.
0:58:13 > 0:58:17I also made a choice not to tell you who's still alive or dead.
0:58:19 > 0:58:22I want THEIR voices to live on.
0:58:23 > 0:58:25CHUCKLING
0:58:28 > 0:58:31To watch more of the stories from the people featured
0:58:31 > 0:58:34in this programme, go to -
0:58:37 > 0:58:40..and follow the links to the Open University.