0:00:12 > 0:00:17Les Dawson was the rubber-faced comedy master who started his career
0:00:17 > 0:00:23cracking one-liners and playing the piano on the northern club circuit.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27He found national fame in the late '60s on the television talent show
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Opportunity Knocks, and from that moment on,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33he had the British public laughing.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38Les looked funny, and he was funny, instinctively so.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Interviewers over the years would struggle to get a serious word
0:00:41 > 0:00:45out of him. One who tried was Michael Parkinson.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48So, let's begin with a look at Parkie cracking up over
0:00:48 > 0:00:51territory that Les excelled in -
0:00:51 > 0:00:56laughter over language barriers and the classic mother-in-law joke.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01- You've done some work recently in Germany, haven't you?- Oh...
0:01:01 > 0:01:03LAUGHTER
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Did you have to learn German for it or...?
0:01:06 > 0:01:07- Yeah, I tried.- You tried?- Yeah.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09But...how do you get the gags over?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Well, that was the difficult part of it
0:01:11 > 0:01:13because when we got there...
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Before the show was actually due to go, two of us went to try
0:01:16 > 0:01:18and suss the scene out to see what they wanted.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21And the German mentality is something I had never previously
0:01:21 > 0:01:23come across because it's all...
0:01:23 > 0:01:25You know, faces really like flint.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28You know, no... Really hard. Unyielding.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31So they had a girl there with braided hair, you know,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34looked a bit like Danny La Rue. Awful.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35And she sat there and she said...
0:01:35 > 0:01:39IN GERMAN ACCENT: "You tell me what you're going to do, which is funny."
0:01:39 > 0:01:42"And I will tell all mein colleagues round the table."
0:01:42 > 0:01:43So, in this atmosphere, I said,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46"Well, the first thing we'd like to do is there is a man sweeping
0:01:46 > 0:01:47"the streets." She said...
0:01:47 > 0:01:51IMITATES GERMAN TRANSLATION: "Und man fastrausen sveiten wit da broomen."
0:01:51 > 0:01:52They all went, "Ja, ja, ja..."
0:01:52 > 0:01:55I said, "He looks one way." And this is what broke me. She said...
0:01:55 > 0:01:58IMITATES GERMAN: "Man who looks ein fart."
0:01:58 > 0:02:00LAUGHTER
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Which is... HE LAUGHS
0:02:03 > 0:02:05..which is German for one way. LAUGHTER
0:02:05 > 0:02:08And I said, "He then looks the other way." She said...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10IMITATES GERMAN: "Eins fart vie fart ubstrauss..."
0:02:10 > 0:02:12SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I said, "He then lifts up the pavement
0:02:14 > 0:02:16"and brushes the dirt underneath it."
0:02:16 > 0:02:19And there was a silence like the forgotten tomb.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22And she said... IN GERMAN ACCENT: "I think I should tell you
0:02:22 > 0:02:24"that in Germany, the pavements don't lift up."
0:02:24 > 0:02:27LAUGHTER Terrible!
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Oh...
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Oh...
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- Frightening, really was frightening.- How did you survive it?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- Only just?- Yeah, we got through, actually.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39In fact... It's considered a mountainous area.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42They called it... You know, they're named after a mountain flower
0:02:42 > 0:02:44over there - the edelswine. LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:46No, it went quite well.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48They put a top course on the Berlin Wall after that.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- It really was frightening, it really was.- Yeah.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Because there... I mean, to tell a joke
0:02:52 > 0:02:54about the mother-in-law's brassiere...
0:02:54 > 0:02:57When I do a joke, I say, "I'm not saying she's a big woman,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00"but when she hangs her bras up to dry, a camel makes love to it."
0:03:00 > 0:03:02LAUGHTER
0:03:02 > 0:03:04In German...
0:03:04 > 0:03:06In German, this comes out like...
0:03:06 > 0:03:10IMITATES GERMAN: "Dies fies un wutas bustenhuten,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12"mitsa ain with a und feinfendersun."
0:03:12 > 0:03:14LAUGHTER
0:03:14 > 0:03:17By the time you've said it, you've forgotten the bloody thing.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- LAUGHTER - What's your mother-in-law...
0:03:20 > 0:03:24- I mean, you've got a mother-in-law, haven't you?- Oh, yeah.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25She's...
0:03:25 > 0:03:28MICHAEL LAUGHS, LES SIGHS
0:03:28 > 0:03:31She's very nice, actually.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34She's very nice. She's got a face like a bag of spanners.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37LAUGHTER
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- Oh, good...- She once went for a swim in Loch Ness
0:03:39 > 0:03:41and the monster got out and picketed the lake.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44LAUGHTER
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- LAUGHING:- What does she...what does she think, though, about you?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- I mean, does she... - HE CRACKS UP
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Does she think you are a loving son-in-law?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Oh, we... We get on ver... Really. Very well together.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58When we stay at her house, you know,
0:03:58 > 0:03:59which is decorated in early Dracula...
0:03:59 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:03..she knows that I am personally very fond of pets.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06And you can bet your life when I go to bed every night,
0:04:06 > 0:04:08there's always a black widow spider in the corner.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10LAUGHTER She is a very big woman, you know?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12She has her knickers on a prescription.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16LAUGHTER
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- LAUGHING:- Be serious for a...
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Be serious...
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- Daffy.- Daft. It is daft. It's lovely.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26LAUGHTER
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- That was old... Who was that? That was old Norman...- Norman Evans.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- Norman Evans, yeah.- You see, one of the beautiful things about...
0:04:32 > 0:04:36On the last series, we introduced these two old women in a launderette.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38But it is something peculiar to Lancashire the fact that
0:04:38 > 0:04:41when two women talk particularly of that age group,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44if there is anything at all which they consider risque or something...
0:04:44 > 0:04:47comparable to the female body,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49- they never finish the sentence.- Hm.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50You see... So, you'll get...
0:04:50 > 0:04:52How are... How's things?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I'm... HE MOUTHS
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I believe she's near her time.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Oh, yes.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59I believe she had a... MOUTHS: stroke.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:03And they never finish the sentence!
0:05:03 > 0:05:06LAUGHTER
0:05:06 > 0:05:09It was really most peculiar, and they used to get things mixed up.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I may quote one thing that Peter Maloney from Liverpool thought.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13- It's very true. - Oh, he's a funny man.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16About the woman in hospital and the chap said, "How are you?"
0:05:16 > 0:05:19She said, "I've been very ill, you know?" MOUTHS: Very ill.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21She said, "That was my time of life...
0:05:21 > 0:05:26HE MOUTHS, LAUGHTER
0:05:26 > 0:05:28He said, "It's a very serious operation.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32"It's called a hysterical rectum." LAUGHTER
0:05:33 > 0:05:38Beautiful, isn't it? HE LAUGHS
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- It does you good to have a laugh. - Hey!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46LAUGHTER
0:05:49 > 0:05:53The pleasure in watching Les Dawson wasn't just about the jokes.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55There was also the sound of his sentences
0:05:55 > 0:05:59and the way he used words like a human thesaurus.
0:05:59 > 0:06:04He discussed this in a programme from 1977 called Word For Word
0:06:04 > 0:06:06with interviewer Vicky Payne.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Noel Coward made Clapham funny.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Private Eye made Neasden funny.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17King George VI made Bognor funny.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21but could anyone raise a laugh by saying London? And if not, why not?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Les Dawson has some theories.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Les Dawson, do you indeed have theories?
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Why do we, perhaps, laugh at words or place names like Neasden or
0:06:30 > 0:06:34- Dollis Hill?- I think it's the softness of the word in question.
0:06:34 > 0:06:39London is a very soft word. It's a very soft sound, therefore it's...
0:06:39 > 0:06:40it's more of a tenderness almost.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43There's a fondness about saying London or Landand.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46If you say Ormskirk,
0:06:46 > 0:06:49it's Descartes, straight to the point. Ormskirk.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Goole - you can't soften Goole.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54So, if you want to build any sort of line on, say, Goole,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57you wouldn't say, "He was an ex-religious leader from London."
0:06:57 > 0:06:58It wouldn't sound very funny.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01But if you said, "He was a lapsed Methodist from Goole,"
0:07:01 > 0:07:02then it starts become funny.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Do people in the North laugh at places in the South
0:07:04 > 0:07:06and do we in the South laugh at places in the North?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Oh, I should think so, yeah.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11We find Watford seems a fairly strange name.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I fell in love with... You know, with a...
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I used to do a gag where I used to... I went...
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I met the wife at a discount store in Watford.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20I went in for a lampshade and I said, "What do you take off for cash?"
0:07:20 > 0:07:22She said, "Everything but my earrings."
0:07:22 > 0:07:24What about individual...
0:07:24 > 0:07:26It's not true... SHE LAUGHS
0:07:26 > 0:07:30What about individual words as opposed to place names?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Can individual words be intrinsically funny on their own?
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Oh, yeah. For instance, a marvellous description of a dirty pond -
0:07:37 > 0:07:38so I threw the stick into the depths
0:07:38 > 0:07:41and the smell that emerged was positively mauve.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43And it summed it all up.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46You obviously think very hard about the gag itself
0:07:46 > 0:07:48and about the punchline.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Do you think equally hard about the order in which you put
0:07:52 > 0:07:54the words to achieve the best effect?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Oh, yes, this can happen...
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I used to do a gag in the act which never got a laugh.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I forget how I used to word it properly now,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02but I used to say, "I wouldn't say my father was lazy,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05"but during the hunger march from Jarrow in the '30s,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07"he was the only one singing." The way I used put it before,
0:08:07 > 0:08:10"He used to sing when he was unemployed," so I just switched
0:08:10 > 0:08:11the thing round and got more of a laugh.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14And by the same token, do we laugh at the same words in the South as...
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- Oh, yes.- ..in the North? - Oh, you are slightly more...
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- You're getting educated down here. It's quite true.- Thank you very much.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Oh, you are, definitely. It's on the increase.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24You wouldn't alter your act according to whether you were
0:08:24 > 0:08:26playing in the North or the South?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28No, I die in the North and the South equally as well as the other.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Makes no difference to me.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Going back to names, we mentioned place names, do you think
0:08:32 > 0:08:34individual Christian names are funny?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Or surnames or names together?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Well, yes, I think, you know, you can say, for instance,
0:08:39 > 0:08:44that our love affair was born on the shores of Geneva as the sunlight
0:08:44 > 0:08:46dappled the waters into fragmentations of patterns
0:08:46 > 0:08:49and I turned to Miriam... And you know, I think the word Miriam
0:08:49 > 0:08:51after this build-up... HE MUTTERS
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Probably some very nice Miriams in Ealing.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55I wouldn't know, but I think that sort of thing, yeah.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57They are not meant to be terribly funny.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59It's the ring, the connotation you put them in
0:08:59 > 0:09:01or the situation you put them in.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Les Dawson, thank you very much indeed for...
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- Will you send the check on? - I'll send the check on.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07That's a very funny word at the BBC.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09..for coming on to us. Thank you very much.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Been a pleasure to be in this cupboard.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15By the mid-'80s, Dawson was well-established as one
0:09:15 > 0:09:18of the nation's favourite entertainers, which made him
0:09:18 > 0:09:21the perfect guest for Roy Plomley's television version
0:09:21 > 0:09:24of Desert Island Discs called Favourite Things
0:09:24 > 0:09:28and here he is discussing the origins of his routine
0:09:28 > 0:09:30and his love of writing.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Where did you spend your childhood, Les? Where do you come from?
0:09:36 > 0:09:37- Originally, Manchester.- Hm.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Yes, it was hard childhood in many ways.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Mainly because, although it's difficult for you,
0:09:44 > 0:09:48I know, looking at this magnificent profile,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51but oddly enough, I was an incredibly ugly baby.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52In fact, I was so ugly,
0:09:52 > 0:09:56they had to give the midwife gas and air before she delivered me.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59My own mother used to look at me often in the cot
0:09:59 > 0:10:01and she'd say to my father, "I don't know what to make of him,"
0:10:01 > 0:10:04and my father used to say, "Have you thought of a rug?"
0:10:04 > 0:10:07But basically we were a poor, but poverty-stricken family.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- You had an ambition to write.- Yeah.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14What did you want to write?
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Er, essays.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20- Why essays, Les? - I don't know. I liked words.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I think the only one I was ever proud...
0:10:22 > 0:10:23I went to Paris to write them.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27I used to want to write things in the vein like Elia, Lamb,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30or something like this. You know, lovely prose, sort of thing.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Or, "Frost hanging delicately from sodden leaves,"
0:10:32 > 0:10:33or something like this, you know?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Tell me about Paris. You wanted to have a sort of Left Bank existence.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Well, I thought Paris was the place to gravitate to.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I mean, it's not really. If you're going to write a novel,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44you should do it in Bradford because there are too many distractions
0:10:44 > 0:10:48- in Paris, you know?- How long were you there?- About 18 months, actually.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Why did you come back? Why did you leave Paris?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I was broke.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Is Paris a favourite thing you go back to?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Oh, I think Paris is a lovely city, yeah.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01To me, it's like a spoilt woman, Paris, you know?
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- I love Paris. It's very nice.- Hm. - It's wasted on the French totally.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10So, you'd done some piano playing in the army and in Paris,
0:11:10 > 0:11:12when did comicking come into it?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Well, I used to play on the piano and sing
0:11:15 > 0:11:18and tell a few gags especially when I sang and played the piano.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21The act in those days was dreadful. I mean, it really was.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- Would you like to see a little gobbet, would you?- I'd love to, yes.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- What did you do?- Well, this is...
0:11:26 > 0:11:28You sat yourself at the piano?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Well, I found it more comfortable that way.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33And this was the sort of thing I used to do.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38"Hi..." With this terrible grimace,
0:11:38 > 0:11:40with all the fillings showing.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Cos I've got quite a few fillings, you know?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- In fact, my gums have got metal fatigue.- Oh, yes.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48And I go "Hi there! I just love being here, ladies and gentlemen.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51"I'm going to play you a little song and I hope you like it."
0:11:51 > 0:11:56HE SINGS INCOHERENTLY
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- And I used to get paid off.- Yes, I can...- Quite regularly.- Mm-hm.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06And then after that, I was living in London for quite some time.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10I was living in a cubicle with a plug point that passed as a flat.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13And I went round to all the clubs and so and all the agents
0:12:13 > 0:12:16and got the usual thing, you know, "We'll let you know."
0:12:16 > 0:12:19"We'll ring you," which was hard to do cos I ain't got a phone.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21That didn't dawn on me for months after.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23And I went to see an agent - Al Heath, his name was,
0:12:23 > 0:12:24and he still is in existence.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29- And he gave me a week's booking for 16 quid in Hull.- Yes.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35- Have you ever been to Hull?- Doing that same act?- Yes.- Yes.- Totally.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38To all of these hardened fisherfolk.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Men with salt creased into the lines of their faces. Hard men.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45And on I went, "I just want to say what a great pleasure to be in Hull.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48"I had been here before, but it was shut."
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- See? Which got roars of silence. - Of course.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53You know, I was getting crouching ovations.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56And on the Wednesday, it began to dawn on me
0:12:56 > 0:12:59that by this time, failure was a stark reality.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Really fail. I mean, I was lucky.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06I mean, my only ambition in those days were for luxuries in life,
0:13:06 > 0:13:07like bread in my shoes.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11You know, I think it was getting worse. And on the Thursday...
0:13:11 > 0:13:13I did the time-honoured mistake,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16although in this case it worked, of going for a few drinks.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- And I drank more than I should have done.- Right.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20This is before your show?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22And that night at the piano,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25"It's a great pleasure to be in this kipper depot."
0:13:25 > 0:13:27And I found that I was playing off key.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30HE PLAYS DISSONANT NOTES You know, terrible things like that.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I started telling about my life and about how bad things were.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35For the first time in my chequered career,
0:13:35 > 0:13:36somebody clapped in the corner,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39a little bald-headed man clapped in the corner.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40I said, "Thank you for clapping."
0:13:40 > 0:13:43He said, "I'm not clapping. "I'm slapping my head to keep awake."
0:13:43 > 0:13:46But then I started to get a few laughs and that's how it started.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48So, I owe Hull quite a lot, actually.
0:13:50 > 0:13:56In 1984, Les became host of the popular game show Blankety Blank.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59He spent six years on the show.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03During this time, he lost his first wife Margaret to cancer,
0:14:03 > 0:14:07suffered his own health problems, married his second wife Tracy
0:14:07 > 0:14:11and wrote a biography that he would shamelessly plug in this
0:14:11 > 0:14:12appearance on The Wogan Show.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- So how do you feel, Ter?- I'm OK. You look very fit.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Well, I feel fit, actually. I'm a great believer in exercise.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26LAUGHTER
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- Can't be bad, the band laughed. - No, no.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36If you'd like to use the phrase band.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Know what? LAUGHTER
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Don't start them off. Don't...
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I've had to put up with them for six weeks. Listen, it's not...
0:14:44 > 0:14:46I know a lot of people think it in the audience,
0:14:46 > 0:14:49but everybody just leaps up and down today.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- That's the thing to be fit.- Hm.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54But take the turtle.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01In the South Sea, there are turtles that live 200 years of age.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04What does a turtle do?
0:15:04 > 0:15:05It crawls.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09- Doesn't it?- Mm-hm.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12And it does nothing else.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Now, that's exercise.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18- LAUGHTER No.- Oh, please.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I believe and every morning, I wake up, I go,
0:15:20 > 0:15:24"One, two, three. Up, one, two, three. Down, one, two, three."
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Then the other eyelid.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28LAUGHTER
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Fit as a fiddle and every artery is as solid as a rock.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35It's too much rubbish talked about exercise.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Sloth is the key to life.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Doing nothing as I've written in the book!
0:15:41 > 0:15:43LAUGHTER
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Giving things up. Yes, seriously.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48But don't you even take a little gentle exer...?
0:15:48 > 0:15:49I mean, you potter about in the garden?
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Well, there's nothing wrong with... What's wrong with pot...?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- Well, nowadays, gardening is bad for you.- Is it?- Oh, yes.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58The only way to get over gardening is...
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Particularly for a married man, cos women are obsessed
0:16:02 > 0:16:04with the idea that a man should be doing something.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Wives don't like somebody who sits there.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- There's something wrong.- Yeah. - You see?- Yeah.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12So what you do is you buy a small plant
0:16:12 > 0:16:16and you put it in the garden and you deliberately pull
0:16:16 > 0:16:19the leaves off so the thing looks as though it's dying.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21She comes out and says...
0:16:21 > 0:16:23LAUGHTER
0:16:23 > 0:16:25MOUTHS: What's wrong with this?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28You say, "I don't know, I haven't got green fingers." She says,
0:16:28 > 0:16:30"Well, your neck's a funny colour,
0:16:30 > 0:16:32but that's got nothing to do with it."
0:16:32 > 0:16:34That was a joke to put Ter at ease. LAUGHTER
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Then you by another plant
0:16:36 > 0:16:39and you say to her, "Well, you have a go at the first plant,"
0:16:39 > 0:16:41and she pours a little water over it.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Now, you get up at four o'clock in the morning, you sneak out,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46put a chloroform pad over her first.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49You sneak out and you change the flowers over.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51So the new flower has grown.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54And she says, "There you are, love. In future, I'll do the gardening."
0:16:54 > 0:16:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:59 > 0:17:00What a rascal!
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Yes!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- Another fine mess.- It's all there.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08What about the grouting and the rendering and the DIY
0:17:08 > 0:17:09and that kind of stuff?
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Well, you must always avoid that like the plague.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Always keep away from do-it-yourself.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18You don't fancy extending the house or...?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20No, because you see the trouble is you have people in...
0:17:20 > 0:17:23If you have builders in to do the house up,
0:17:23 > 0:17:26the first thing they will do is they will go, "Tsk, tsk, tsk."
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Now, you've lived in that house for years.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31You are proud of it, it's your domain.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33It's where your children have their nest.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35And you are happy with that house.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Suddenly, this fella comes in with overalls,
0:17:38 > 0:17:41takes a few measurements and goes, "Tsk, tsk, tsk."
0:17:41 > 0:17:45And then he sighs. They all go... HE SIGHS
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Which means that for years, you've been living in a Gothic slum
0:17:48 > 0:17:50and you didn't know it. LAUGHTER
0:17:50 > 0:17:53So, you've got to keep well away from that. What you do, you go to
0:17:53 > 0:17:56a theatrical agency and find an actor who has not worked for years, right?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Or even Lionel Blair, somebody like that.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00LAUGHTER
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Get them to come round and say, "What a magnificent house!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07"You would be a fool to change it."
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Leave it as it is. LAUGHTER
0:18:11 > 0:18:13It's the art of getting no stress.
0:18:13 > 0:18:18Stress-free life. But then, why get married?
0:18:18 > 0:18:22If you want a stress-free life? And you've just done that.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27- Well, yes, you've got a good point there. I'm very lucky.- Yeah?
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Yes, she does...
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I mean, she does things her way
0:18:30 > 0:18:33and I do things her way. LAUGHTER
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- Does she nag?- She never nags.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I've found the perfect answer to nagging.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43It's called half a brick. No!
0:18:43 > 0:18:44No, she doesn't nag at all.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- We get guidance. I get guidance off Tracy.- Do you?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Yes, she guides me very gently. TERRY LAUGHS
0:18:50 > 0:18:52No, there's no stress at all. It's...
0:18:52 > 0:18:57I'm so happy. LAUGHTER
0:18:58 > 0:19:00It's just lovely to be on the show.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02It's like being on the Titanic being on the show.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05LAUGHTER, HE BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Such a quality act!- What?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I never knew you had an audience, and I was right.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Now, listen.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Doesn't she take you shopping... You go shopping with her.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Now, come on, don't tell me you get out of that.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Well, that's quite easy shopping. That's very easy to avoid that.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- Yes?- You see, the trouble with women is, economically,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- and I've said this many times and I'll say it again...- Thank goodness.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29..they're tremendous economists.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30You see, I am very lucky with Tracy.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Not many men in the audience tonight could say the same thing. She saves
0:19:33 > 0:19:35me every time she goes shopping...
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Like the other week, she went to Harrods and she came back
0:19:39 > 0:19:41and she had saved me £80.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44That's terrific.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48It only cost me 200. But she had saved me 80.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49You see, so I'm lucky.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52LAUGHTER
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Yeah. I'm lucky.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56And you believe in letting it all hang out, don't you?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58You've always been one of those. I was saying...
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Well, no, the police are getting very interested in that. Sorry?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I'm just saying, you are known in the business as the stud,
0:20:03 > 0:20:07- apart from anything else and you do...- Really?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10You haven't... You haven't restricted your...
0:20:10 > 0:20:12LAUGHTER
0:20:12 > 0:20:14You haven't restricted...
0:20:14 > 0:20:19ROARING LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:22 > 0:20:24You haven't...
0:20:24 > 0:20:27I mean, you had a small illness there...
0:20:27 > 0:20:29LAUGHTER
0:20:29 > 0:20:31You had a small illness some time ago.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Now, you must've had the doctor go round and say,
0:20:33 > 0:20:36"Now, look, cut down on the...cut down on the fags,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39"cut down on the drinking, cut down on the eating."
0:20:39 > 0:20:41You mean, you've just taken no notice?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Well, that's not absolutely true.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46They all gave me these... Except...
0:20:46 > 0:20:50As everybody knows in the audience, if you've had a slight illness,
0:20:50 > 0:20:55straightaway there seems to be a power surrounding us,
0:20:55 > 0:20:59which suddenly predetermines that you are now suspect for every germ,
0:20:59 > 0:21:03microbe that ever coexisted on this planet.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07You're going to get it, so first of all, the greybeards come round
0:21:07 > 0:21:09and they look at the size of you, the weight.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12First of all, they looked at my stomach,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15which we all have to do cos that's the way it is. That had to go.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17They said, "You'll have to diet." I said, "What colour?"
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I did all the gags, it didn't make any difference.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22First of all, lose weight.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Don't smoke, don't drink and breathing can be difficult
0:21:26 > 0:21:29because there's toxic fumes in the air.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31So, what do you do, Terry?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- I don't know. - You come on the show. No!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35LAUGHTER
0:21:35 > 0:21:40All you can do is do what you think is right. So, I didn't do anything.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41I've given up the fags. I smoke cigars now.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45Didn't you have some technique with the doctor of the suits?
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Oh, yeah.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50I put this in the book, and I hope you don't mind me plugging the book.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53No.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56The idea is, and this is a worthwhile tip...
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Appearances matter to everybody.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05So you buy a suit that is slightly too small and they go,
0:22:05 > 0:22:10"You are a mess. You look like a frankfurter about to burst." Huh.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Now, your other suit that you buy fits,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15but it's just a bit too big.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Now, the doctor says,
0:22:18 > 0:22:19"You've listened."
0:22:19 > 0:22:22LAUGHTER
0:22:22 > 0:22:24You've been on the F-plan. You've listened.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27You've spent your time in the loo. You've listened.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29You've got rid of all that toxic waste. You are now a person.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32You're going thin, and to be thin today means to be healthy.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35And you feel great because he doesn't know that the suit is a bit bigger.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Now, the third suit has got to be enormous...
0:22:39 > 0:22:40LAUGHTER
0:22:40 > 0:22:44..and preferably with a hat that is too big.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Now, when you go to see him, he says, "My God, you've gone too far!"
0:22:47 > 0:22:50LAUGHTER
0:22:50 > 0:22:52"Get some steak and chips down you straight away."
0:22:52 > 0:22:56And you are back to square one. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:56 > 0:22:58It's true!
0:23:03 > 0:23:04And you... Despite all you say,
0:23:04 > 0:23:07you are an old traditionalist at heart, aren't you?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09You're going to do panto. Jack And The Beanstalk.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Jack And The Beanstalk at Sunderland, yes.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14WILD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:23:14 > 0:23:18IN NORTHERN ACCENT: They'll be great. We're great.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Two nice people - Rose Marie and Diamond and Layton, a nice team.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23So, it's been a busy year with the book and the...
0:23:23 > 0:23:25You're doing it to avoid the in-laws, aren't you?
0:23:25 > 0:23:26The panto.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- No, my in-laws are fabulous. - Are they?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Oh, you're joking, yeah. Well, I'm a bit...
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Well, you've got a nice show going. I don't know why I should...
0:23:36 > 0:23:38LAUGHTER
0:23:38 > 0:23:42The wife's mother went to Sydney last week to see her sister
0:23:42 > 0:23:45who works over there as a brick layer.
0:23:45 > 0:23:50And they apparently went swimming off of Bondi Beach and...
0:23:50 > 0:23:53the wife's mother was attacked by a great white shark.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58You know, they pulled her out, all night they worked in the hospital,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01but it was too late, the shark died.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04LAUGHTER
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I sort of had a feeling that it would.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Everybody is very pleased that you are so happily remarried
0:24:12 > 0:24:15and that Tracy, your wife, is looking after you so well.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- Well, we've still got the wedding present.- Have you?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Yeah, it still ticking away there. TERRY LAUGHS
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Ladies and gentlemen, my friend Les Dawson.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26APPLAUSE
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Four years after that appearance in 1993,
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Les died of a sudden heart attack.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39He was 62.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Since then, he has been cited as a major influence
0:24:42 > 0:24:46and inspiration for many of today's comedians.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50So, let's end with one of the routines that made his peers
0:24:50 > 0:24:54and the public fall for him so heavily.
0:24:54 > 0:24:59It's from a 1976 appearance on Parkinson with Les playing up
0:24:59 > 0:25:01whilst playing the piano.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06We will start off with Side By Side, so let's hear you sing. You ready?
0:25:06 > 0:25:11Raise the roof. It won't take much doing, the guttering's on the inside.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16HE PLAYS, AUDIENCE SINGS FEEBLY
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Now, wait a minute. LAUGHTER
0:25:19 > 0:25:21This sounds like an asthma clinic.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Try it again. You haven't paid. Go on.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26HE PLAYS
0:25:26 > 0:25:30AUDIENCE SINGS That's it!
0:25:30 > 0:25:34HE PLAYS OUT OF TUNE
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Oh, come on! Come on!
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Try this one. The bells are ringing For Me And My Gal.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56HE PLAYS OUT OF TUNE AUDIENCE SINGS ALONG
0:25:56 > 0:25:57That's it!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05That's the idea. Keep it up.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07# For me and my gal... #
0:26:07 > 0:26:12HE CONTINUES PLAYING OUT OF TUNE AUDIENCE SINGS ALONG
0:26:12 > 0:26:16It just flows. HE PLAYS OUT OF TUNE
0:26:28 > 0:26:31# For me and my gal... #
0:26:34 > 0:26:36My father always told me, "If you can play the piano, son,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38you'll never be short of a bob or two."
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Wrong. LAUGHTER
0:26:45 > 0:26:47HE CONTINUES TO PLAY OUT OF TUNE
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Marvellous! APPLAUSE
0:27:12 > 0:27:16His fingers at the keys and the audience in the palm of his hand,
0:27:16 > 0:27:18that was a comedy master at work.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22No wonder that Les Dawson is known as one of Britain's best-ever,
0:27:22 > 0:27:24best-loved funny men.