0:00:15 > 0:00:20"I'm not a funny man," Bob Monkhouse would once say.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23"I'm just a man who writes and says funny things."
0:00:23 > 0:00:27It was his way of explaining that comedy takes hard work
0:00:27 > 0:00:30and Bob was well-known for being one of the hardest workers
0:00:30 > 0:00:31in the business.
0:00:31 > 0:00:36He wrote jokes not just for himself, but for many, many others, too,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39including legendary names like Bob Hope.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Over the years, also, he drew cartoons for the Beano comic,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47starred in the first-ever Carry On film
0:00:47 > 0:00:51and earned himself a reputation for being the stand-ups' stand-up,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54and stand-up is where we're starting.
0:00:54 > 0:00:59Here's Bob in 1965 talking about taking on the North of England's
0:00:59 > 0:01:01famous working men's clubs.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05There is nothing like this anywhere else, Michael.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Nothing at all, not quite like this.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Certainly not in the South of England.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11This is a strictly northern
0:01:11 > 0:01:13and Midlands phenomenon. North East, too.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Oh, you'd find an enthusiastic audience on a Saturday night
0:01:15 > 0:01:18in Blackpool or Scarborough or Bournemouth,
0:01:18 > 0:01:19but nothing quite like this,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21where people can get together all in a group.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23You work terribly hard.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Do you know any place where you work harder than this?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28I suppose one works harder and longer in summer show or pantomime,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31but when you get out on a stage in a club like this,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33you've got to deliver and you've got to be a pro,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35otherwise the audience will lose interest.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37But if you do deliver, they're the best audience in the world.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41A lot of the material here seems to be very robust, to say the least.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42- Hm.- Very bawdy. Why is this, do you think?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I don't think it's bawdy. I think it's adult.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I think this audience is extremely quick-witted,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49the club audience I'm talking about.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53I think they've had a load of, shall we say, disinfected pap
0:01:53 > 0:01:55from television for a long time,
0:01:55 > 0:01:57which they like very well in their own homes,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59but when they get together in a community,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01they want to hear something stronger, brighter, gayer
0:02:01 > 0:02:04and a little bit more engaged to the adult taste.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Certainly is rough, though, you would agree?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09No, I wouldn't agree it's rough. I think what it is is it's grown-up,
0:02:09 > 0:02:12as distinct from children's hour entertainment.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I don't think it is bawdy
0:02:14 > 0:02:17and I don't think it transcends any bounds of taste whatsoever
0:02:17 > 0:02:19because I think the general trend of public morality
0:02:19 > 0:02:21will always give you your own automatic censorship.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Would you agree that none of the material that you
0:02:23 > 0:02:26and the other comedians have been preparing for viewers
0:02:26 > 0:02:28in a place like this, could be used on television?
0:02:28 > 0:02:29It couldn't be used on television
0:02:29 > 0:02:32cos television couldn't stomach it and I can imagine
0:02:32 > 0:02:34that every one of these people in the audience would be offended
0:02:34 > 0:02:36if they heard certain jokes in their own home,
0:02:36 > 0:02:39which they can thoroughly enjoy either in parties
0:02:39 > 0:02:41or in a place like this.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44In other words, you will exchange a joke at a party in your own home
0:02:44 > 0:02:46when you've got a group that you'll enjoy,
0:02:46 > 0:02:49which you would censor out if you were sitting with your children,
0:02:49 > 0:02:50the vicar or your grandmother.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Here, no vicars, no grandmothers, just people.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Bob was a master of the stage,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59but he was also a television natural.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Over three decades, he took every opportunity that knocked
0:03:02 > 0:03:06and became a permanent fixture on the small screen.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08He wasn't everyone's favourite.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Some found him too slick for his own good.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16But he was a true pro and ended up hosting so many game shows
0:03:16 > 0:03:18that most people lost count.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Not everybody, though.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23You then went on to become, well,
0:03:23 > 0:03:27undisputed king of hosts of quiz shows and game shows.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I can't... I shouldn't think you can remember them all, could you?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Oh, no. HE CHUCKLES
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- What? The game shows I've done?- Yeah.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38I'd have to be obsessed with my own career to remember them all.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I'm not that big an egocentric. I'll try and remember them if I can.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Let's see, there's What's My Line?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46The Name's The Same and Find The Link and I've Got A Secret
0:03:46 > 0:03:48and Trust Your Wife and Beat The Clock and Hit The Limit
0:03:48 > 0:03:51and Bury Your Hatchet and Quick On The Draw, The Golden Shot,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Celebrity Squares and Family Fortunes.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I'll never recall the names of them all.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:04:02 > 0:04:06Bob, you have a way of gently poking fun and I think...
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I mean, I've been the butt of a few jokes along the line...
0:04:10 > 0:04:12..from your good self.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I think, being a cartoonist, which you were earlier,
0:04:14 > 0:04:18you now paint verbal caricatures
0:04:18 > 0:04:22and you make gentle fun, civilised insults, if you like.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23That's a lovely way to put it.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Well, I think if you can't take a gag,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27you shouldn't be in this business for starters, right?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29If I was to throw a few names at you,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32and the ones that do not work, we will cut out.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35See if you can do a little gentle fun.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- Er...- Ah, ah, ah. You said you could do it.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- First time on...- You said you could do it when you wrote in.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- LAUGHTER - I saw you doing this beautiful thing
0:04:43 > 0:04:46where everyone at the table got an insult and we didn't mind.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49In fact, we'd have felt hurt if we'd been left out. So, give us...
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Give us Barbra Streisand.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- What?- Barbra Streisand.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I'm not going to make a joke about Barbra Streisand
0:04:56 > 0:04:59because she's not well. She collapsed...
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Barbra Streisand collapsed last week in the recording studio.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Fortunately, Barry Manilow was on hand
0:05:05 > 0:05:07to give her nose-to-nose resuscitation...
0:05:07 > 0:05:09LAUGHTER
0:05:09 > 0:05:10..and she felt much better after that.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13They stood back-to-back and said, "Look, a pickaxe."
0:05:13 > 0:05:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:17 > 0:05:19All right, OK.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Who's been in London recently? Yul Brynner.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Yul Brynner?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29It's a little tricky because, I don't know, you can't make jokes
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- about his age.- A different one? - No, no, that's OK.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I was trying to think of an age joke on Yul Brynner,
0:05:33 > 0:05:35but he's sort of sensitive about that.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Rumour has it he dyes his head.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER
0:05:40 > 0:05:42I was reading... I'll tell you what's fascinating.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45If you haven't bought it, get Yul Brynner's autobiography.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Oh, it's marvellous.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48The best part is where he and Telly Savalas
0:05:48 > 0:05:50reminisce about dandruff.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52LAUGHTER
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- I've got one.- Have you? - Yes, and I'm delighted.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Two would be nicer. LAUGHTER
0:06:03 > 0:06:05How about David Frost?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08IMITATES DAVID FROST: How about David Frost?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13I did a show with David for Prince Philip at Jollees, Stoke
0:06:13 > 0:06:17and they said in the local paper, the Stoke-on-Trent paper,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19they said, "We're lucky to have David Frost
0:06:19 > 0:06:21"because he is always jetting off in airports.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23"I think it's a nervous weakness."
0:06:23 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Being a comedian was something the young Bob Monkhouse
0:06:32 > 0:06:36had always dreamed of, and he started younger than most.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Here he is talking with Michael Parkinson
0:06:38 > 0:06:40about the early days of his career
0:06:40 > 0:06:44and getting his foot on the first rung at the BBC.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46I wanted very much to have a BBC audition.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49I was in the RAF. This would be 1946.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I'd just gone in - I was 18 -
0:06:51 > 0:06:53and I wanted very much to try out my jokes,
0:06:53 > 0:06:56and I couldn't see how to get a BBC audition.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58I didn't know how to jump the queue, in other words.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01And I was working, because I did shorthand and typing in those days -
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I've lost the art now - in the RAF for a neuropsychiatrist.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06The group captain at the Central Medical Establishment
0:07:06 > 0:07:08at Kelvin House, Cleveland Street,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10which was the very notepaper on which I typed this letter,
0:07:10 > 0:07:14which asked the BBC please to give the undermentioned an audition,
0:07:14 > 0:07:17"As the boy seemed to be crazed with ambition
0:07:17 > 0:07:20"and his mind might turn upon the opportunity."
0:07:20 > 0:07:23So, under the impression they were actually curing me
0:07:23 > 0:07:26of an incipient breakdown, they gave me an audition.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27A curious...
0:07:27 > 0:07:30A curious fact about that is I was auditioned by someone
0:07:30 > 0:07:32who WAS having a breakdown.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Yes.- What, a BBC producer?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Right. I gave it to him. - They're all having breakdowns.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39At that time, this chap was just fresh out of
0:07:39 > 0:07:41British Forces Broadcasting Service.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43A lovely man, whom you know, actually,
0:07:43 > 0:07:45but I won't say who it was.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48He's still in the business and is a wonderfully clever man.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51But at that time, he was having a nervous collapse
0:07:51 > 0:07:53and he was given the job last-minute
0:07:53 > 0:07:56to take over auditioning new personalities for radio, of course,
0:07:56 > 0:08:00cos radio was the big thing then, not the box.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03And he auditioned me and Gary Miller
0:08:03 > 0:08:05and he gave us both 100 marks out of 100.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08He wrote, "Wow!" next to my 100 and then collapsed.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Such was inter-communication at the BBC,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13nobody knew that he'd done this and everyone was saying,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16"It's the first time in history anybody's got 100 out of 100."
0:08:16 > 0:08:17So, I was getting booked like mad.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Gary became a pop singer - alas, he's no longer with us -
0:08:20 > 0:08:23and did tremendously well, but had a great voice.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26I ran out of material by broadcast five. I was in trouble.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28But you, of course, you became, at one point...
0:08:28 > 0:08:30You were on television so much as a young man that
0:08:30 > 0:08:33television was once described as being Bob Monkhouse with knobs on.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34That's right, yes.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- How old were you when you started writing?- Writing jokes?- Yes.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- 12.- 12?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I sent jokes in to Leonard Henry. Do you remember?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- No, you're too young. - No, I don't remember.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47He was a great radio star
0:08:47 > 0:08:51and I was cheeky enough to send him a list of jokes saying,
0:08:51 > 0:08:53"I think these are funnier than the ones you're using."
0:08:53 > 0:08:56And he was kind enough to reply, returning them saying,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59"Young man, I suggest you mend your manners.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01"Yours truly, Leonard Henry." That's what it said.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05But then I used to cycle round to the local music halls to...
0:09:05 > 0:09:08The first person who ever paid me for a joke was Max Miller.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11I stood outside the Lewisham Hippodrome, I think it was,
0:09:11 > 0:09:12and gave him a page of jokes.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Then I stood outside the Penge Empire about eight weeks later
0:09:15 > 0:09:17and he gave me advice. He said...
0:09:17 > 0:09:21After about four times, he paid me half a crown a joke.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24That was hard to get because you know his reputation.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26He was so mean, he only breathed in.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28LAUGHTER
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Really. He made dustmen sign a receipt.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33So, he looked at the jokes and he said,
0:09:33 > 0:09:35"I'll tell you why these don't work, my son."
0:09:35 > 0:09:38He said, "This joke you've got about the nymphomaniacs club
0:09:38 > 0:09:40"where they only get together for meetings
0:09:40 > 0:09:43"to examine prospective members - I can't do that joke."
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I said, "Is it too blue?" He said, "It's not blue, son,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48"but my audience doesn't know what prospective means."
0:09:48 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER
0:09:50 > 0:09:53He said, "You want to give me something about the wife."
0:09:53 > 0:09:56So, I did. He said, "Give me something about the wife that's good
0:09:56 > 0:09:59"and you're into folding money." I'll always remember the words.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I got the half crowns. They didn't fold.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04So, I wrote him this bit that he used Brixton Astoria.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07"I came home the other night unexpectedly,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09"opened the bedroom door and there was the wife
0:10:09 > 0:10:11"with nothing on except the landlord.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12"I said, 'Excuse me, dear...'
0:10:12 > 0:10:14"I'm always polite to her under these circumstances.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16"'Why are you making love to the landlord
0:10:16 > 0:10:19"'when it's the butcher we owe money to?'"
0:10:19 > 0:10:22"Well, that's when she did something that hurt me.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25"She said, 'Sit down, Nacksy, and watch. You might learn something.'"
0:10:25 > 0:10:27LAUGHTER Well, he loved that
0:10:27 > 0:10:29and he sent me a postal order for 15 and six.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31That was a very precocious joke for somebody of your age, wasn't it?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Wasn't it? I would have been about 16 by that time.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39The good old days get another good going over in this next clip
0:10:39 > 0:10:42from one of Bob's appearances on the Wogan show.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44When I started, I'd do anything.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47I would do absolutely anything in show business to survive.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50I was actually given the sack from a funeral parlour
0:10:50 > 0:10:52for practising ventriloquism.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER
0:10:55 > 0:10:57It was a little unnerving.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01For a while, I was a truss juggler, which is an unusual thing.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02There weren't many truss jugglers.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06But I packed it up cos I realised I'd never be anything more
0:11:06 > 0:11:09than a support act. LAUGHTER
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Do you think there's anything to be said...
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I mean, I do take your point
0:11:12 > 0:11:14and I'm glad you've made this very serious point.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19..that the British public appreciate anybody who lasts a long time,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- whether they're any good or not? - Yes.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23The longer you last, it's assumed that you're good.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I mean, look at Jimmy Young.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Yes! He's amazing. Isn't it a joy?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31He sits there with his third Shredded Wheat that he couldn't eat
0:11:31 > 0:11:33on top of his head... LAUGHTER
0:11:33 > 0:11:38Do you remember your first broadcast?
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Oh, gosh. Yes, I do. In fact, I learned a great deal from my...
0:11:42 > 0:11:45The very first broadcast I ever did was called Works Wonders
0:11:45 > 0:11:50and it was done from a factory - 1948, I guess it was - in Leicester.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52And I came out to entertain these people
0:11:52 > 0:11:55who were wearing grimy overalls, who did a very hard job
0:11:55 > 0:11:57at a bench all day making saggar maker's bottom knockers
0:11:57 > 0:11:59or whatever they made,
0:11:59 > 0:12:01wearing what I thought was a smart outfit for a comic -
0:12:01 > 0:12:05the snap-brimmed fedora and the Terylene American suit, zoot suit.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07A spiv.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Hand-painted tie
0:12:09 > 0:12:11with enough colours on it to put a peacock in heat.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15AMERICAN ACCNET: 'I wouldn't say my girlfriend was ugly,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18'but even the bags under her eyes have bags.' All those.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- Nothing happened. It died. - A bit like here.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23A bit like here. LAUGHTER
0:12:23 > 0:12:25I feel I'm back in the funeral parlour.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28But then a sailor came on in full uniform
0:12:28 > 0:12:31and he sang like a duck being ill, but the audience loved him
0:12:31 > 0:12:34because they still had the wartime spirit, Terry,
0:12:34 > 0:12:36so they were applauding the uniform. So, I got smart.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38My second broadcast, I wore my RAF uniform
0:12:38 > 0:12:40with the buttons all polished and I had the two up -
0:12:40 > 0:12:42I was a corporal - and I went better.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Then I went even better on my third broadcast
0:12:45 > 0:12:48because I wore the battle dress and I took the corporal's stripes off
0:12:48 > 0:12:49and put back the airman's badge
0:12:49 > 0:12:52and I affected a slight limp, so they went...
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Really, it was only my innate sense of good taste
0:12:56 > 0:12:59that prevented me entering for my next broadcast in a wheelchair
0:12:59 > 0:13:02with a nurse displaying my medals on a tray.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08- A little ribbon.- Did you learn from other performers as you went along?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Who was a great teacher or mentor for you?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Any one or was it just a variety of people you learned from?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Max Wall, Tommy Trinder.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17I saw them in the variety theatres... Max Miller.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20..and they all had a lexicon,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23a dictionary of little tricks and gestures and things and...
0:13:23 > 0:13:26For example, my first spot that I ever did in a music hall
0:13:26 > 0:13:28had to be 15 minutes and that was it.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31You go 16 minutes, you were fined money. Money!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33But they always did a report on how much applause you got
0:13:33 > 0:13:36at the end of your spot. The company manager wrote that out.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39If you got a good report, you got more work. So, I bought a clarinet.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I'd seen a clarinet and a double bass in a second-hand shop
0:13:42 > 0:13:44and I bought the clarinet,
0:13:44 > 0:13:46which was the more expensive item, but I'll tell you why.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I used to leave it in the wings.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I'd do my 15 minutes, then, to take my bow,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I'd pick up the clarinet and re-enter holding the clarinet.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56The audience, being astute, would see I was carrying a clarinet
0:13:56 > 0:13:58and go, "Oh, he's going to play that,"
0:13:58 > 0:14:00so they'd applaud cos they wanted to hear the clarinet.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03So, I'd stand there with the clarinet and I'd go, "Ooh."
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Then I'd appeal silently to the conductor.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I'd ruefully shrug. I'd surrender, point at my watch.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12"I've got no time for the number. Sorry, folks."
0:14:12 > 0:14:14By that time, I'd had 45 minutes applause, you see, so...
0:14:14 > 0:14:1645 seconds, I should say.
0:14:16 > 0:14:1845 seconds is a long time to get applause.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Thank God no-one ever asked me to play the clarinet
0:14:21 > 0:14:23because if ever they'd told me to play...
0:14:23 > 0:14:28I had bought the clarinet because it was smaller than the double bass,
0:14:28 > 0:14:29so I could get it in my case
0:14:29 > 0:14:34and also people would applaud to hear you do an encore
0:14:34 > 0:14:37on the clarinet, but not to hear you do an encore on a double bass.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39And I also thought if ever I had to try and play
0:14:39 > 0:14:41either the double bass or the clarinet,
0:14:41 > 0:14:43someone would be sure to tell me where to shove it
0:14:43 > 0:14:45and it would be easier with a clarinet...
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- LAUGHTER - Very shrewd.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49..than with a double bass. Are you getting it?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Have you ever regretted the way that your career has gone, in a sense,
0:14:54 > 0:14:57from you were in the Carry On movies
0:14:57 > 0:15:00and all the rest, marvellous comedian, script writer,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03to being the king of the game show,
0:15:03 > 0:15:08the man that most other people who do game shows look up to?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Well, that's very generous of you to say that.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12No, I've never regretted doing game shows.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- You had a ball doing Blankety Blank. - Yes, it was great fun.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17But you do tend to get a bit of pasting from critics
0:15:17 > 0:15:20from time to time on the grounds of triviality and banality and...
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- That's the truth. - ..the uselessness of what you do.
0:15:22 > 0:15:27Whenever that happens, I concentrate my mind mightily upon Groucho Marx,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30who ran a game show for 12, 13 years in the States,
0:15:30 > 0:15:34and he used to say that it kept his ad-lib muscles supple.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35He was...
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Groucho, you see... Only in a game show could you do this.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Groucho had a woman on who had 20 children
0:15:40 > 0:15:42and he said, "Why have you got 20 children?"
0:15:42 > 0:15:43She said, "I love my husband."
0:15:43 > 0:15:47And he said, "I love my cigar, but I take it out once in a while."
0:15:47 > 0:15:51LAUGHTER Where else could you use that?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55As we saw earlier,
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Bob was always happy to crack a joke at the expense of anyone famous,
0:15:59 > 0:16:03but he usually avoided laughing at the general public.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07Here, however, he makes an exception, again to Wogan,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10talking about some characters he encountered during his reign
0:16:10 > 0:16:12as the king of game shows.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16One of the problems, if you'll allow me to speak about it,
0:16:16 > 0:16:20of Family Fortunes, which is a great game,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23is that you do require five intelligent members of a family.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26How many families do you know...
0:16:26 > 0:16:28LAUGHTER
0:16:28 > 0:16:30..with five intelligent members?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32You can find a bright mum, a bright dad,
0:16:32 > 0:16:36a smart son-in-law, a clever auntie.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40You're going to have loony Uncle Ernie dribbling...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42LAUGHTER ..at the end of the line.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45The one they say, "Don't ask him anything."
0:16:45 > 0:16:48You know, "What's the capital of Germany?" "G."
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Oh, God! LAUGHTER
0:16:51 > 0:16:54We had a family... Listen, we had some great families on that show,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56but sometimes they arrived in refrigerated trucks
0:16:56 > 0:16:59and they'd go, "Dun, dun, dun-da-dun," as they came off.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02We had a family, and I mean no offence whatsoever by this.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04This is fact.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06No ethnic or racial offence.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09We had an Irish family on who... LAUGHTER
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Now, look, it's St Patrick's Day.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15It is, so, therefore, in the name of St Patrick and by all that's holy,
0:17:15 > 0:17:17this is the truth.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22We had a family from Northern Ireland called Thicke.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26It was the family name. T-H-I-C-K-E.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28So, we said to them, "Please, it's too cheap a joke.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31"You're nice people. You've applied to be in the show. Please..."
0:17:31 > 0:17:35The son-in-law's name was Wilson. We called them the Wilson family.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37And they came from Newtownards, I think.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40And there was a woman in the group and she was,
0:17:40 > 0:17:42I mean, really unbelievable.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Every now and then, you would get these people who talked
0:17:45 > 0:17:47straight out of left-field.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48We had a question.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51"We asked 100 people to name something pink.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54"What do you think 100 people said? Name something pink."
0:17:54 > 0:17:56NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: 'Is it my cardigan?'
0:17:56 > 0:17:59LAUGHTER
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Um... Good answer, good answer.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Let's see if it's up there.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17We finally wound up... You're not going to believe this but it's true.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19This was in the first series.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I think people have forgotten the disasters we had.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27We had asked 100 people nationwide, those of the survey,
0:18:27 > 0:18:31"Name something which is deserted in the winter time."
0:18:31 > 0:18:34The top answers were a nudist camp
0:18:34 > 0:18:38and, I think, a swimming pool, the beach...
0:18:38 > 0:18:39You can make them up.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42So, we got the five top answers and a couple of the answers had come up.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45I come to this woman again. LAUGHTER
0:18:45 > 0:18:48And I'm like this, so the audience is like this.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51And I said, "Name something deserted in winter time."
0:18:51 > 0:18:53And she said, "My cousin Elsie."
0:18:53 > 0:18:55LAUGHTER
0:18:56 > 0:18:59And the audience laughed like the audience is laughing now
0:18:59 > 0:19:01and she said, "It wasn't funny."
0:19:01 > 0:19:04LAUGHTER
0:19:04 > 0:19:07"Christmas coming up and five children in the house."
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I mean, where have you put yourself?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13So, that's the reason...
0:19:13 > 0:19:17That's where it becomes material for a comedian to live on TV
0:19:17 > 0:19:18and keep himself in front of...
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Of course, that was a taped show.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24I mean, do you remember when you used to do The Golden Shot live?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28That was actually... My first appearance on British television
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- was with you on The Golden Shot. - It was indeed.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Wasn't that a terrifying show to do?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I think The Golden Shot helped me immensely because I'd been...
0:19:35 > 0:19:39I had a kind of a glib, a flip image on TV,
0:19:39 > 0:19:43but when I went out and did that show with not just egg on my face,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46omelettes were seen forming on my chin...
0:19:46 > 0:19:48We had incidents on that.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Did I ever tell you about the loony priest we had on Golden Shot?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Right, we moved up to Birmingham...
0:19:54 > 0:19:56I'm talking about years ago, 1968.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59..and this crazy priest starts writing in - Father Pollock.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01LAUGHTER
0:20:01 > 0:20:03We didn't always refer to him as that.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06We found a variation on that.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09We found two variations, the kinder of which was pillock.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11He starts writing in saying,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14"You shouldn't show weapons on television on a Sunday.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16"These are the machinery of death," he said.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18"You should not show on television on a Sunday."
0:20:18 > 0:20:20And he said he wanted to come to the studio
0:20:20 > 0:20:21and he wanted to be in the studio,
0:20:21 > 0:20:23I think to administer last rites to someone
0:20:23 > 0:20:25who had been struck down by a bolt.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29So, the producer at that time suffered fools more gladly
0:20:29 > 0:20:32than I did and the priest came.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33So, this particular week,
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Father Pollock is sitting in the front row
0:20:35 > 0:20:38and, as you said, the show is live. It had to be.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I should remind perhaps those who don't remember The Golden Shot
0:20:41 > 0:20:44that you had to see the image of a target on your television screen
0:20:44 > 0:20:46at home in order to say on the telephone...
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- "Up a bit. Down a bit." All that stuff.- That's right.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53Guiding events in a television studio maybe 200 miles away.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Great single idea for a show.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58But once you've done that and qualified and exploded an apple,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00you then came to the studio.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03An old woman comes to the studio who's qualified the previous week.
0:21:03 > 0:21:08She came from Kelvinside, Glasgow, and she's got a patch over one eye.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10So, I said, "Is there something wrong with your left eye?"
0:21:10 > 0:21:13And she said, "Why should there be something wrong with it?
0:21:13 > 0:21:14"It's not there."
0:21:14 > 0:21:16"What do you mean it's not there?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19"You had two eyes in the photograph you sent us when you applied
0:21:19 > 0:21:22"to be a contestant." She said, "That's a glass eye.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24"It's not currently in position."
0:21:25 > 0:21:29"The socket is itchy and I shall place it in position for the show."
0:21:29 > 0:21:30And then she did that.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34So, now she's not only... LAUGHTER
0:21:34 > 0:21:37She's not only one-eyed, she's got a twitch
0:21:37 > 0:21:40and she's going to the freestanding crossbow,
0:21:40 > 0:21:42which was the only one that had a little danger to it
0:21:42 > 0:21:45because that thing, you could... LAUGHTER
0:21:45 > 0:21:48And the priest is in the front row. LAUGHTER
0:21:48 > 0:21:52So, we go on air and Father Pollock started praying...
0:21:53 > 0:21:55..audibly in Latin.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Now, the assistant floor manager is going over trying to stop him,
0:21:58 > 0:22:00but how do you stop a priest from praying?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02HE IMITATES PRIEST PRAYING God knows what he's praying for.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05And the woman with the patch and the twitch is up there
0:22:05 > 0:22:07with the freestanding crossbow and I'm ad-libbing the jokes.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10"Well, anything could happen today. We all make mistakes.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13"That's why they put rubbers on the end of pencils."
0:22:13 > 0:22:14She... Poom!
0:22:14 > 0:22:17She twitched at the moment she pulled the trigger.
0:22:17 > 0:22:22The bolt, or quarrel, spun off a metal frame to the target
0:22:22 > 0:22:26and went in, bounced, rebounded into the audience.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Guess who it hit?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30LAUGHTER
0:22:31 > 0:22:32Here.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35So, I've never believed in the power of prayer since then.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER He went out like a light.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Can I tell you another one?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Very quick cos it's just come to mind.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45I was explaining to you
0:22:45 > 0:22:48you had to see the image at home so you got the bit right.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50You remember that. OK.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52We were into about show 18 or something,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55it was still early days, and there's a guy on the phone
0:22:55 > 0:22:57and he's got to phone in and hit the apple
0:22:57 > 0:22:59cos you're looking down the sight
0:22:59 > 0:23:03with this camera mounted on the crossbow. And he says,
0:23:03 > 0:23:04"Right a bit, right a bit. Stop.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07"Right a bit, right a bit. Stop. Right a bit. Right a bit."
0:23:07 > 0:23:09And he's going way off the target.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12So, I said, "Just a second, just a second. Stop the clock."
0:23:12 > 0:23:16I can't hang up on the idiot because we're on live television.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19I want to go, "Berk," and go like that.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20I said, "You've left the target."
0:23:20 > 0:23:24And he says, "Don't blame me.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25"I told the man."
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I said, "What man?" He said, "The man from Rumbelows.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31"He come and took the television set last Friday."
0:23:31 > 0:23:33LAUGHTER
0:23:34 > 0:23:37True. APPLAUSE
0:23:39 > 0:23:43There's more. There's more. I promise you there's more.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45This is live on TV, there's nothing I can do about it.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48The audience is going... HE LAUGHS
0:23:48 > 0:23:49I said, "You mean...?"
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Cos I can't take this in. "You mean you're sitting at home
0:23:52 > 0:23:55"without a television set?" He said, "I'm not a fool, Bob.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57"I'm in a call box."
0:23:57 > 0:24:00LAUGHTER
0:24:00 > 0:24:03I said, "If you're in a call box, you haven't got a television set."
0:24:03 > 0:24:06"I can see the window of Currys."
0:24:06 > 0:24:09LAUGHTER
0:24:09 > 0:24:12I said, "It's Sunday afternoon. They're closed."
0:24:12 > 0:24:15"They leave the TV sets on in the window over the weekend.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18"I can see you plain as day.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21"Give us a wave."
0:24:21 > 0:24:22So, I went...
0:24:22 > 0:24:24He said, "You're not waving."
0:24:24 > 0:24:26I said, "I am waving."
0:24:26 > 0:24:29He said, "They've tuned it to the bloody BBC."
0:24:29 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:37 > 0:24:39However much he enjoyed hosting,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42stand-up would always be Bob's first love.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45So, we'll end with another of his encounters with Des O'Connor
0:24:45 > 0:24:50and a taste of what audiences would enjoy at a Bob Monkhouse live show.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52I was a very late developer.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I must have been in my late 20s and I knew nothing about girls.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Really, very naive. And I was appearing in a pantomime
0:24:57 > 0:25:00and the girl that was playing Cinderella was really sophisticated.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I mean, I was in awe of this girl.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03She knew everything and I knew nothing.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06And it turned out she fancied me. Really.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09And one night after the show, she suddenly said to me, she said,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12"Come back to my place after the show tonight.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15"I have mirrors on the bedroom ceilings
0:25:15 > 0:25:17"and I have mirrors on the bedroom walls.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19"Bring a bottle."
0:25:19 > 0:25:21I took Windolene. LAUGHTER
0:25:21 > 0:25:23I didn't know what she was talking about.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24How was I to know?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Oh, you're very smart.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32All right, you knew, you knew. I didn't know. I knew nothing.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35You know now. I bet you didn't know then because it's...
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Do you know about this? If you have mirrors on your bedroom ceiling,
0:25:38 > 0:25:41it's meant to enhance your romantic life, put it that way.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44So, I thought, "I'll try this to rescue my marriage.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47"I'll get mirrors and that'll..."
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Cos budgies love them, don't they? Budgies do. Mirrors.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54I thought, "If it works, I'll buy the little ladder, the bell.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55"I don't care what I spend."
0:25:55 > 0:25:58LAUGHTER
0:25:58 > 0:26:01You don't have to have heavy mirrors that can threaten your skull.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03You can go to the DIY, get expanded polystyrene tiles.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04They're mirrored on one side.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07You stick them up there with the bonding, they'll stay there forever.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10I measure the bedroom ceiling, I get enough tiles
0:26:10 > 0:26:12and I'm going to stick them up there this weekend.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15I have to go up to Glasgow to do an unexpected TV show,
0:26:15 > 0:26:17so, fool, fool, I said to my wife, I said,
0:26:17 > 0:26:19"Those are for the bedroom. Stick 'em in the bedroom.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21"I'll be back Monday." I get back Monday...
0:26:21 > 0:26:24You're not going to believe this. She stuck them on the floor.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26LAUGHTER
0:26:26 > 0:26:28On the floor! It's not the same.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33It's not. There's no good pretending. It's not the same.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36It's one thing to lie nude on the bed looking up at yourself.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39You know, you don't look too bad.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41But when you're standing there looking down...
0:26:41 > 0:26:43LAUGHTER
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Ah!
0:26:53 > 0:26:56It put me off sprouts for a fortnight.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59LAUGHTER
0:26:59 > 0:27:00The audience reaction there
0:27:00 > 0:27:04brings to mind one of Bob's most famous lines.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07"They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09"They're not laughing now."
0:27:09 > 0:27:12It's pure Bob - clever, loaded with false modesty
0:27:12 > 0:27:14and demonstrating a skill
0:27:14 > 0:27:17other comics would sell their mothers-in-law for.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21You've got to be good to come up with a line like that,
0:27:21 > 0:27:25and Bob Monkhouse was up there with the best.