0:00:03 > 0:00:05My name is Mawaan Rizwan.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07I was brought up in a religious family.
0:00:07 > 0:00:08I'm not practising,
0:00:08 > 0:00:12and I would say I don't necessarily believe in God.
0:00:12 > 0:00:16But I am curious to know if there is some kind of higher being.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Is there something more to life?
0:00:18 > 0:00:20I've heard that some people are looking for answers
0:00:20 > 0:00:22through taking traditional medicines,
0:00:22 > 0:00:25basically powerful hallucinogenic drugs.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32I've been to the USA, where I met people using the drug peyote
0:00:32 > 0:00:35in their worship. HE CRIES OUT
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Now, I'm heading to Brazil
0:00:37 > 0:00:40to find out about the ancient drug of ayahuasca.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47And I've got to decide if it's something I want to try
0:00:47 > 0:00:48in my search for God.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52So, I'm going to knock on God's door,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54and let's see if he's there.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Brazil, a country where 99% of the population
0:01:15 > 0:01:18believe in God or a higher spirit.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21It's home to 123 million Catholics,
0:01:21 > 0:01:23more than anywhere else in the world.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Everywhere I turn, there's loads of religious iconography.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Their biggest landmark is Mr Jesus himself.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33There's one of these on every other street
0:01:33 > 0:01:36and I feel like religion and faith is a big part of culture here,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38it's very much ingrained in daily life.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44To find out more about the power of religion,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47I headed to the Igreja da Penha church in Rio.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Devotion here can be extreme.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56That guy over there, he's crawling all the way up
0:01:56 > 0:01:59to the church on his knees. It looks pretty painful.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02I mean, that's dedication. This is how much it means to people.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04THEY SING
0:02:08 > 0:02:11This is an annual ceremony where the worshippers have to carry
0:02:11 > 0:02:16the statue of the Virgin up 382 steps.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19He's done it, he's done it, the guy's at the top.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22He made it all the way on his knees.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25He deserves an award for that - that looked painful.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27But not everyone in this country is sold
0:02:27 > 0:02:29on this organised definition of faith.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34A growing number of people are turning
0:02:34 > 0:02:37to an entirely different form of religious sacrament.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39It's called ayahuasca.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43It's made by smashing the roots of two plants
0:02:43 > 0:02:46till it turns into a pulp that you can drink.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Apparently, it tastes horrible,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56and you're meant to take it and it will change your life.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59I've heard it being referred to as the God molecule.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Now, if that doesn't sound epic, I don't know what does.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Hello? I'm Mawaan.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Nice to meet you. 'I've come to a suburb of Rio
0:03:11 > 0:03:14'to meet two women who believe that ayahuasca
0:03:14 > 0:03:16'is the route to reaching God.'
0:03:16 > 0:03:17- What a place you live in.- Yeah.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Monkeys come to your front door - that's crazy.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Come get it. Don't be afraid.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25You want it?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32He took it out of my hand!
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Oh, yeah! Happy birthday, man.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38He's loving it.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41You're welcome.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Did you see that? He took it out my hand.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52I live in London and it's very different.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Where does ayahuasca come from?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Ayahuasca's active ingredient is called DMT,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22and that makes it an illegal class A drug in the UK.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27How do you feel about some people referring to it as a drug?
0:04:27 > 0:04:32Cos in Britain, where I live, it's a very naughty thing to do
0:04:32 > 0:04:34and you'd get in a lot of trouble.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Why is it important to you to relate back to the ancient roots of it?
0:05:15 > 0:05:19For myself, I have deep, deep gratitude
0:05:19 > 0:05:21for these Amazonian tribes,
0:05:21 > 0:05:26and ayahuasca and all of these medicines from the forest
0:05:26 > 0:05:30makes you go even deeper and connects you to a deeper source.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48But now this ancient tribal drug
0:05:48 > 0:05:52has come from the forest into Brazil's booming cities
0:05:52 > 0:05:54with their mashup of religious beliefs.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Faith here is like a little spiritual omelette.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Look at this.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05This is like a real patchwork of all sorts of influences.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09You've got Christianity, Hinduism, a Buddha,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12you've got the hand of Fatima there,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14and that is quite an Islamic pattern -
0:06:14 > 0:06:16you see that in mosques a lot.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I feel like in the UK it's kind of cool to be atheist,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21it's cool to be, like, "I don't believe in all that stuff.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23"That stuff ties me down."
0:06:23 > 0:06:26And here, actually maybe it's kind of trendy
0:06:26 > 0:06:30to be part of different things and have various religious influences.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33That's Princess Diana.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36That's a religion for some people, isn't it?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Many of these religions use ayahuasca.
0:06:41 > 0:06:46In Brazil, it's been legal for use in religious ceremonies since 1992.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Now it's thought that half a million people use it regularly.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54This is like a trip in itself - it's very colourful and psychedelic.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I think if any country is going to legalise
0:06:57 > 0:07:00stuff for religious purposes, it might as well be here.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08I grew up in a fairly religious family
0:07:08 > 0:07:10and there were bits of it I really liked
0:07:10 > 0:07:13and bits of it I dismissed completely.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17And I guess that's what's happening here, but in a more liberal way.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19People are taking what they want from it,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21and things like ayahuasca are involved,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24which are quite ancient traditions,
0:07:24 > 0:07:28but people are customising it to what suits them.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30And it feels like people here
0:07:30 > 0:07:33feel liberated enough to experiment with religion.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36It's not so rigid.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44I've never felt like I've had the choice
0:07:44 > 0:07:46to experiment with religion before.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51For me, this is a new way of looking at things,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53and that feels quite comfortable.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00And maybe I do have a shot at finding something spiritual.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Could ayahuasca help me do that?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08I needed to talk to someone who regularly takes it.
0:08:08 > 0:08:1229-year-old artist Gill is part of a church that uses the drug.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15So, I've heard a lot about ayahuasca.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18And I've got friends of friends of friends who told me stories,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21but have you done ayahuasca before? You've done a ceremony?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Yeah, I've been doing it for two years.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25How many ceremonies have you done?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- Once a month for two years. - Really?- You do the math.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I mean, it's not every month but mostly.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34What about traditional religion wasn't working for you
0:08:34 > 0:08:36for you to turn to this?
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Well, I was born in a Catholic family and I have issues with...
0:08:41 > 0:08:45..with Catholics since when I was a teenager.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I was like, "This isn't for me, this has...
0:08:50 > 0:08:55"..problems, logical problems there."
0:08:55 > 0:08:57I was reading a lot of Richard Dawkins at the time,
0:08:57 > 0:08:59and I was like, "This is not for me."
0:08:59 > 0:09:01What made you want to try this thing called ayahuasca?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I don't know, just the experiences people tell me about it.
0:09:04 > 0:09:10I'm searching for, you know, myself.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12One thing I heard, yeah,
0:09:12 > 0:09:17is that people throw up and sometimes even poo their pants.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22I mean, that in itself is quite a vulnerable place to be,
0:09:22 > 0:09:23let alone anything else.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Yeah, they call this the cleansing.
0:09:27 > 0:09:32It's when the ayahuasca is operating and they...
0:09:34 > 0:09:36It needs to clean your body
0:09:36 > 0:09:44and clear it from toxins and stuff that you consume every day.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45And the vomit is...
0:09:46 > 0:09:50I've experienced it. The vomit, it's not just the physical vomit,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53it's, like, you're vomiting emotions,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56stuff you're carrying in your life,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59and after you vomit, you feel so much...
0:09:59 > 0:10:01You feel amazing.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- Really?- So, yeah, I like when I vomit.
0:10:03 > 0:10:08There's been ceremonies where I vomited and pooed at the same time.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- Wow.- It was once.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I can't wait for that. Thanks for the pep talk.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20But the result of taking ayahuasca can be even more extreme.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23People coming to South America looking for enlightenment
0:10:23 > 0:10:26or just a good time have even died.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29It's a powerful and sometimes dangerous drug.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Peruvian police are led to a spot in the Amazon where a shaman,
0:10:33 > 0:10:34or a tribal medicine man,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37says he buried the body of an 18-year-old American
0:10:37 > 0:10:41who he claims died after drinking extracts of psychedelic plants
0:10:41 > 0:10:44at a psychedelic retreat.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Now, DMT is the active ingredient in ayahuasca.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52And even taking it during a controlled, religious ceremony
0:10:52 > 0:10:53can give you a bad trip.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Oh, she's just collapsed.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01I mean, she looks
0:11:01 > 0:11:02like she's just died.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07It doesn't look nice.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09It doesn't look like a pleasant experience.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13She's having a horrible time.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16SHE SCREAMS
0:11:17 > 0:11:18No!
0:11:21 > 0:11:26I think the idea of losing control scares me, because...
0:11:26 > 0:11:29You know, maybe what you get out of it is fulfilling in some way,
0:11:29 > 0:11:33but the actual going through this all just seems a bit extreme.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Surely there's easier ways.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47The day before I left London, I really panicked a bit.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52And I almost didn't want to do this.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57Because I was scared that a lot of dark stuff would come up,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00and I didn't know if I wanted people to see that
0:12:00 > 0:12:01and for a camera to be there.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07It looks like The Exorcist.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14I don't know, maybe YouTube is the wrong place to do your research
0:12:14 > 0:12:18before taking these things, cos this is making me not want to do it.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Oh, my God!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25SHE LAUGHS
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Before I made my mind up about whether I wanted to throw myself
0:12:32 > 0:12:34into such an intense experience,
0:12:34 > 0:12:38I was keen to know more about the drug's positive spiritual effects.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Gill, who I met the other day, has invited me round for dinner
0:12:43 > 0:12:44so that I can meet some of his friends
0:12:44 > 0:12:46and have a deeper chat about it all.
0:12:46 > 0:12:51I've come empty-handed, so I guess I'll have to do the dishes later,
0:12:51 > 0:12:52but I'm going to go now.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59- Hey!- Hey, Gill.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Guys, this is Mawaan.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02- Hey, Mawaan.- Nice to meet you.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05'This lot are right trendy Rio urbanites,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08'and they regularly go to ayahuasca ceremonies in the city.'
0:13:08 > 0:13:12This is nice, innit? It's like the Last Supper.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Very appropriate.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17So, Gill was telling me about his ayahuasca experience
0:13:17 > 0:13:19and how it changed your life, right?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21What is it like for you guys?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Are you involved in ayahuasca?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25It was one of those moments in your life
0:13:25 > 0:13:28when many things start to make sense.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Do you think you've experienced God?
0:13:32 > 0:13:37God, it's a complicated word. God is...
0:13:37 > 0:13:39That's why I ask. THEY LAUGH
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I want to get to the bottom of this whole God thing.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46God is a word full of cultural background.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I'm not entirely comfortable with using it.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Maybe for myself it's fine,
0:13:51 > 0:13:56but will I declare to people that believe that God is something else
0:13:56 > 0:14:00that I experience that? I didn't experience what you believe,
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I experienced what I believed.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07But, yes, I experienced something that I can guarantee.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11As much as I'm learning, I'm really hungry, so shall we get some food?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13All right.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Can I help you with anything?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Absolutely. Get the rice, please.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20I gather we are all trying to make meaning of our lives, right?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22It's nice to have something to believe in
0:14:22 > 0:14:24and I feel like that is missing for me
0:14:24 > 0:14:26cos I'm full of distractions in London,
0:14:26 > 0:14:30and actually I want to know the meaning of life,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33like, I want to feel like I have a deeper understanding of things.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38Right. The answers that you are looking for everywhere else,
0:14:38 > 0:14:40they're really there.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43And again going back to ayahuasca,
0:14:43 > 0:14:47ayahuasca gives you the opportunity to kind of see all of that...
0:14:48 > 0:14:50..within yourself.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55So, ayahuasca is one way of finding something godly within yourself?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Yes, definitely.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Do you think you're getting high for God?
0:15:04 > 0:15:05No.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06It's not getting high.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10First of all, it's not getting high.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15This expression, "getting high", it comes from another context,
0:15:15 > 0:15:19and, all right, it's a context full of substances,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22but do people get high in hospital?
0:15:22 > 0:15:23This is not even...
0:15:23 > 0:15:28People don't even think about that - it's just nonsense.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32It's the same feeling that we have when we ask that.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Are we getting high in the name of God?
0:15:35 > 0:15:39We're not working with God, we're not working with getting high.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Why is this question even being asked?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I feel like I've been seeing it maybe in the wrong perspective,
0:15:48 > 0:15:52cos getting high insinuates being in party situations
0:15:52 > 0:15:54and, like, you know?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Drugs, and whoo!
0:15:56 > 0:15:59And feeling rubbish the next day.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Actually, these guys, this is not that for them.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07And they are making a really active,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10conscious choice to delve deeper into something,
0:16:10 > 0:16:12and this substance that they're taking
0:16:12 > 0:16:16just happens to be part of that journey.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17But they're not doing it
0:16:17 > 0:16:20just so they're going to get a bit of mind alteration.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23That's not the main goal.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25The main goal is for them to understand themselves
0:16:25 > 0:16:27and the world a bit better
0:16:27 > 0:16:30and navigate through that and make sense of it.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32And maybe that's what God means to them.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44The moment has finally come.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48I've got to decide if I want to take ayahuasca.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55We've found a reputable church who have said that I can join them
0:16:55 > 0:16:57at their ceremony tonight.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I'm about to take ayahuasca.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I'm about to do that thing everyone talks about that changes their life.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14And I don't...I don't know how I feel about it.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21I'm lining my stomach up with grapes.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25I mean, it's all going to come back up anyway, but I'll do what I can.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29OK, this is it. I'm here, I'm literally round the corner
0:17:29 > 0:17:32from where the ceremony is going to happen and...
0:17:32 > 0:17:34and I'm absolutely bricking it.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36This is so real now. It's happening.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39And from what I've heard, things are going to come up,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42and it's going to be intense, and I'm going to face demons,
0:17:42 > 0:17:43whatever that means.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45I'm going to have to look my demons in the eye
0:17:45 > 0:17:51and connect with God and find an answer to the issues that come up.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57So, I'm going to suck it up and knock on God's door.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59And let's see if he's there.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Do I knock?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10The Ark of the Blue Mountain Church
0:18:10 > 0:18:12is based in a house in a suburb of Rio.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- Ola.- Ola.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- For Philippe's ceremony?- Sim.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Thank you. I'm Mawaan.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I've got to go to a formal meeting before I'm allowed in.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32The guy in the trippy headband is Philippe Bandeira de Mello,
0:18:32 > 0:18:33the church's spiritual leader,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36who's practised with ayahuasca for nearly 40 years.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39OK, here goes the job interview.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42The church is strict.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44We've all been asked to wear a uniform of white
0:18:44 > 0:18:45to keep the bad spirits out.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Outside, you have bad energies
0:19:19 > 0:19:21going to you.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24De nada.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30The church welcomes people from any religion into their ceremonies.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35My heart is beating really fast.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I have to go in cos they can't start until everyone's in there.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40But...here we go.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44This happens every week at Philippe's house.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47About 90 people rock up and take ayahuasca.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13SINGING
0:20:35 > 0:20:37The force of your guardian angel,
0:20:37 > 0:20:40everything you need for your spiritual and material preparation.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43May the ayahuasca guide you...
0:20:45 > 0:20:50..protect you and bring you inspiration, connection,
0:20:50 > 0:20:52everything you need,
0:20:52 > 0:20:56everything you want for your illumination.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Thank you.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- Good journey.- Thank you.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20I'm feeling a bit sick.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24It feels like I had a really bad steak or something.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27That's what it tastes like - like gone-off meat.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37The singing of ancient shamanic songs
0:21:37 > 0:21:40is supposed to help guide me through my trip.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03About 30 minutes in and I'm starting to feel something.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Where's the bucket to throw up?
0:22:11 > 0:22:12OK. Obrigado.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I thought I was going to throw up, but I don't need to.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Everything feels really eventful.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Like, everything is a thing.
0:22:32 > 0:22:40And I feel very open and vulnerable to things that could come in.
0:22:42 > 0:22:50I have a vision of me as a child sitting in a really big cathedral.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Yeah.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00It's really hard to put into words, because words really diminish the...
0:23:04 > 0:23:08..just how big and expansive the feeling is.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10You can't really put it into words.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Doing this, you interfere with the experience.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Let him sit and close his eyes.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20It's better for him.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Maybe...
0:23:23 > 0:23:24OK?
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Back inside, the ceremony starts getting intense.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Dancing to the repetitive beats of music
0:23:45 > 0:23:48is said to induce a trance-like state.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51This is probably one of the most surreal raves I've ever been to.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07I feel quite overwhelmed by it all.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11I feel like there's no way of hiding
0:24:11 > 0:24:13from all the emotions I usually ignore.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18I'm starting to see religion as this open canvas
0:24:18 > 0:24:23and I can totally personalise it with whatever I want.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38HE LAUGHS
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Come up here. Come up here.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43(What are you doing?)
0:24:44 > 0:24:47This is ridiculous. I'm standing next to a crucifix...
0:24:49 > 0:24:52..asking myself the question, "Have I found God?"
0:25:04 > 0:25:05Yeah, maybe.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Yeah, maybe, maybe...
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Yeah, maybe this is what God feels like.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25HE SIGHS I can't express...
0:25:33 > 0:25:36This is such a massive cliche, and I don't want to say this,
0:25:36 > 0:25:38but I do feel the wonders.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45I feel like I'm being hugged
0:25:45 > 0:25:49by everything from my past and my future
0:25:49 > 0:25:55and living and not living...is hugging me right now and saying...
0:25:58 > 0:25:59"..It's OK."
0:26:19 > 0:26:21The dancing goes on all night.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52But after about six hours..
0:26:54 > 0:26:55..I've reached my limit.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Today I'm feeling really shattered and tired
0:27:16 > 0:27:22and it's a bit like a hangover, actually, but I feel really renewed
0:27:22 > 0:27:26and I feel like I shed skin and I learnt some tough lessons.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30And I feel like it was a lot deeper than I expected it to be.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I've spent all these years building an image of myself -
0:27:41 > 0:27:45the way I see myself was completely shattered last night
0:27:45 > 0:27:47and that was really liberating.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I had to see things that I didn't want to see
0:27:51 > 0:27:53and parts of it were really dark and demonic.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03I can imagine that in the wrong hands this stuff is quite dangerous,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05and it's all about the context.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09Within that context of religious, ritualistic -
0:28:09 > 0:28:11those elements being there really made it what it was.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15Without that, I could have had a terrible time
0:28:15 > 0:28:18and not have known how to navigate
0:28:18 > 0:28:20through this really powerful substance.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24For me, it was the first time I felt something bigger than me
0:28:24 > 0:28:27was guiding me and helping me make sense of my life.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29And that's not really happened before.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32And maybe that's what God feels like,
0:28:32 > 0:28:33and that's a big deal for me to say,
0:28:33 > 0:28:39because I'm a London boy who really felt quite cynical about faith,
0:28:39 > 0:28:41but maybe that's the closest I'll come
0:28:41 > 0:28:43to experiencing some sort of divinity.