0:00:01 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language and some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Everybody's perception of being a footballer
0:00:07 > 0:00:10is that you've made it, you're a superstar.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Football produces some magical highs.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21But it also produces some really, really dark lows.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27As a footballer, I have experienced all the ups and downs of the game.
0:00:27 > 0:00:32There is one taboo no-one wants to talk about - mental illness.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35It's offside... COMMENTATOR SHOUTS
0:00:35 > 0:00:37When you get to a stage where...
0:00:37 > 0:00:40you don't want to be here any more, you know,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43to the point of wanting to take my life.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49I'm going to investigate the dark side of the beautiful game
0:00:49 > 0:00:53to find out why some players are close to mental breakdown.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56It comes to the stage, in the case of Robert,
0:00:56 > 0:00:58where the thought of killing yourself takes over
0:00:58 > 0:01:00and you can't get it out of your mind.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Gary Speed has died at the age of 42.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06A huge regret that I didn't get him to one side and say,
0:01:06 > 0:01:07"Is everything all right?"
0:01:09 > 0:01:12We miss him, you know. We miss him.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I'll meet the footballers who suffered in silence...
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I had everything, you know -
0:01:21 > 0:01:25money, cars, houses - and everything had gone.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29..and find out if the game is hiding an ugly truths.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32To be perfectly honest, I'm not comfortable talking about it,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34not because I don't want to, because I don't know enough about it.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37What I discover will make me confront my own past.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41I'm going to take all these pills... and kill myself.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Because I am now of no use to anyone.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55My name is Clarke Carlisle.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I've been playing professional football for 17 years.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03I've played across all divisions,
0:02:03 > 0:02:06won trophies
0:02:06 > 0:02:10and competed against the best players in the Premier League.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12There's my England Under-21s top,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15the FA Cup fourth round at Loftus Road.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17And here's my memory lane.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23As well as playing full-time for Northampton town,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I am the chairman of the footballers' union, the PFA.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30In my experience, the best teams and the most successful teams
0:02:30 > 0:02:35are the ones that have every worker pulling in the same direction.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38'I'm here to give players support if they need it.'
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Don't ever hesitate to text me or call me.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Clarke Carlisle!
0:02:43 > 0:02:45CHEERING
0:02:48 > 0:02:51This is the most euphoric moment of my career.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Promotion to the Premier League. The final whistle there was just unreal.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Unreal.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02What no-one knew at the time is that despite my footballing success,
0:03:02 > 0:03:06I was suffering from major depressive disorder.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11It's so hard to describe how illogical your thoughts are
0:03:11 > 0:03:14when you are in depression. It's madness.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19I feel my body shutting down and I don't just mean I'm tired,
0:03:19 > 0:03:22it feels like my brain is closing.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I don't want to get out of bed because I don't want to face
0:03:24 > 0:03:28that day and I don't want to have to think or process anything.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31You just don't face anyone.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34My depression was so severe, it led me to try
0:03:34 > 0:03:37and take my own life at the age of just 21.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43I kept it a secret, but I'm not the only one who's battled with
0:03:43 > 0:03:47mental illness on and off the pitch.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Now I want to find out why some players in dream jobs
0:03:54 > 0:03:56can be pushed right to the edge.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Do the problems start young?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I've come to Bailey Elite Academy where top young players
0:04:05 > 0:04:08are being primed for full-time careers.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Speed that middle up, please!
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Some are on the cusp of being signed by clubs.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Sharp! Sharp!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20This is where the dreams of football are made.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Kingsley, I'm Clarke.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27'But do these youngsters know what they are letting themselves in for?'
0:04:27 > 0:04:32- What will it mean to you if you make it?- It's the richest pay, isn't it?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- So it sorts me out for life.- Yeah.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38And do you think if you get a professional contract anywhere,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- that's going to do that for you? - Yes.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- And have you made any plans for in case it doesn't happen?- No plans.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45No plans whatsoever?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Have you gone to college or have you got jobs or...?
0:04:48 > 0:04:53- Nothing.- With me, I don't think of plan B.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Football is my plan A.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59- Yeah, and your plan B and your plan C.- Yeah.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03The likelihood is that he won't make it. You know that, don't you?
0:05:03 > 0:05:04That's the truth.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Of all the guys who come into football,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08there's only 1% who will.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11So you're not making any other plans,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- you're just solely focused on this? - 100%.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I love your optimism and I love that passion and commitment,
0:05:17 > 0:05:18it's fantastic.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I'm interested to see how you guys do.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23'Academies are coming under more scrutiny
0:05:23 > 0:05:26'for the way they hothouse young talent
0:05:26 > 0:05:31'with reports of hopefuls suffering from chronic stress.'
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Can we get that past? Good. Can we get it past?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36'Danny's been a coach for over 15 years.'
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Evening, Danny. How are you? Are you well?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42'It's his job to manage the expectations of the players.'
0:05:42 > 0:05:45There's a lot of these lads here just said that football
0:05:45 > 0:05:48is their plan A, their plan B and their plan C.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Yeah, I find the lads that have been in academy football
0:05:51 > 0:05:54since the age of seven, it's their world.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58I've got lads who play for me who were at, you know,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00top football clubs for ten years.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02But for every success story,
0:06:02 > 0:06:07- you must see a number of guys who don't make it.- Absolutely.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11You know, I'm quite interested in that because I see this age group,
0:06:11 > 0:06:1515 to 18, it's the first drop-off point, I think.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20It's the first major rejection when you're moving into adulthood.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24They are... They are wounded. They've got bits missing.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27They're like a jigsaw that was put together once upon a time
0:06:27 > 0:06:28then you threw it up in the air
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- and you're trying to put the bits back together again.- Yeah.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35'I know first-hand how it feels to be rejected at this age.'
0:06:37 > 0:06:40I went to Blackburn Rovers at 13, 14 years of age
0:06:40 > 0:06:44and that was the first time that I was released from a football club.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47It was horrible. I cried for two or three days.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50'Some of the lads here have already experienced
0:06:50 > 0:06:53'the highly competitive world of football.'
0:06:53 > 0:06:54What's your story, Tim?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56What were your feelings on that day
0:06:56 > 0:06:59that you were told that you weren't getting a contract?
0:06:59 > 0:07:03I was just gutted as well, but my dad's just got round the fact
0:07:03 > 0:07:06that I didn't get my pro, so he's still kind of dealing with it.
0:07:06 > 0:07:11Do you feel like he was disappointed in you or in the game?
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- I think he was disappointed in me, the fact...- Really?- Yeah.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Because it was like, did I try hard enough?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21I thought it was very interesting that one of the lads felt
0:07:21 > 0:07:24the disappointment of his father, you know.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29That's quite a burden to bear. It's very similar to mine, you know.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Football was my reason for being,
0:07:31 > 0:07:35it was the reason that people liked me and loved me.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40And I hope... I hope that Tim is not starting out on that road.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Good, good.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53For the 1% who make it out of football's academy system,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56instant fame and fortune can await.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Success stories include the likes of Gareth Bale, Frank Lampard
0:08:02 > 0:08:07and Manchester United's new £15 million signing, Wilfried Zaha.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10CHEERING
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Zaha is the latest young star to have come through
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Crystal Palace's youth academy.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I've come to see Simon Jordan,
0:08:20 > 0:08:22chairman of Crystal Palace for ten years.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- Mr Jordan, good afternoon. - Clarke Carlisle, nice to see you.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- How are you?- Pleasure to see you.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Thank you so much for taking time out to talk to me today.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- Pleasure, pleasure. - You know, we see these guys,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33they're taken from school at 16.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38How do you prepare someone for this instant level of adulation?
0:08:38 > 0:08:39I don't think you can.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43One minute they're at school, 16 years of age, next minute they could
0:08:43 > 0:08:46be in the first team, having grown men shouting their name.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Cos I liken footballers to rock stars.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51You read about certain rock stars that come off stage
0:08:51 > 0:08:53and they can find this high and then everything
0:08:53 > 0:08:58beneath that high is a low and then that triggers depression
0:08:58 > 0:09:00and low feelings and all the mechanics
0:09:00 > 0:09:03that go on inside people's psyche.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Football is a difficult world.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06It's difficult to get into that world and, you know,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I used to look at the academy and the youth development at Palace,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12you know, prepare these boys for the world they're going in.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Not for the idealistic world,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15but the real world of professional football,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18which is hard and sometimes unfair and it's a school of hard knocks
0:09:18 > 0:09:20and managers don't always put their arms over players
0:09:20 > 0:09:22and tell them they're not playing on Saturday,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25they throw them a bib and that's how they know they're not playing
0:09:25 > 0:09:27and they have to get used to that.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29They've got to be prepared for the world they're in
0:09:29 > 0:09:32because you spend a lot of money on your youth development policy...
0:09:32 > 0:09:34To take a mercenary point of view, you spend a lot of money
0:09:34 > 0:09:37to bring these boys into your football team to make them an asset.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41How have you seen these pressures manifest themselves in players?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44I had a particular player that...
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I put under a lot of pressure
0:09:46 > 0:09:48because I was unhappy with his conditioning.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I put him under a lot of pressure
0:09:50 > 0:09:53and I'm not going to name him and neither would you ask me to,
0:09:53 > 0:09:57but at the time, I was greeted with the fact that he had
0:09:57 > 0:09:59very serious issues as a result of the pressure
0:09:59 > 0:10:02the football club put on him to be in the right condition.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Right.- So...I think I was wrong there.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12'I've got to say, I was completely blown away by Simon Jordan there.'
0:10:12 > 0:10:15You know there is a duty of care from the chairman
0:10:15 > 0:10:19and the football club to ensure that they are vigilant enough
0:10:19 > 0:10:21to be able to spot these issues
0:10:21 > 0:10:24and to make sure that the mechanisms are in place
0:10:24 > 0:10:27and we have to ensure that we do bridge that gap
0:10:27 > 0:10:32from 16 to stardom that can be instantaneous.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39At 20 years old, I signed to Queens Park Rangers for £250,000.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I felt like I'd made it.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Playing in front of thousands of fans every week.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55When you step out of the tunnel, and the stadium goes...
0:10:55 > 0:10:57CHEERING
0:10:57 > 0:10:59..it's an awesome moment.
0:10:59 > 0:11:05The roar of expectation, of support, of love for you and your team
0:11:05 > 0:11:07and it is magical.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16At QPR, I was suddenly thrown into the glare of the media spotlight.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Everyone around the place knows who you are and you're treated
0:11:23 > 0:11:27like royalty in certain circles and you've got a lot of money to spend.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30You go out to places and get treated as VIPs
0:11:30 > 0:11:32and you get lots of things for free.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34It is a real big ego trip.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42But on the pitch, my every action was suddenly scrutinised,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45analysed and judged by thousands of strangers every game.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49# It's all your fault
0:11:49 > 0:11:51# It's all your fault
0:11:51 > 0:11:52# It's all your fault... #
0:11:52 > 0:11:54When you make mistakes on the football pitch,
0:11:54 > 0:11:58especially at a ground like this where the stands are so close
0:11:58 > 0:12:02and the fans are right on you and you hear some of the heckling...
0:12:02 > 0:12:05CROWD BOOS
0:12:05 > 0:12:10..and especially as a young aspirational, hopeful footballer,
0:12:10 > 0:12:15it can knock you down, it can really, really hurt your confidence.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20You can't convey that you're upset or anything.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25You don't want to give any sign of perceived weakness.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27# He's going to cry in a minute... #
0:12:27 > 0:12:32You can feel lonely, you can feel down, you can feel...
0:12:32 > 0:12:35sad, upset that maybe
0:12:35 > 0:12:39this football life isn't all it's cracked up to be at times.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47As a football club, you are their asset,
0:12:47 > 0:12:51they are investing time and money into you and in order to do that,
0:12:51 > 0:12:56they control as many parts of your life as humanly possible -
0:12:56 > 0:12:59where you're told what to think, how to think it,
0:12:59 > 0:13:00how to process situations.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03You're told who to talk to, what to say to them,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07how to say it, what not to say, who to definitely stay away from.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10So you are moulded,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13so that an image and a life and a profile
0:13:13 > 0:13:15is manufactured by your employer.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20This is done every day for the entirety of your contract.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22It just warps your mind.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Former England midfielder Lee Hendrie
0:13:28 > 0:13:31started his career at Aston Villa.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33He was only 16 years old.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Lee Hendrie turning on the six-yard line
0:13:37 > 0:13:40to score his second goal in as many games.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I've come to ask Lee what instant fame can do
0:13:48 > 0:13:49to the mind of a young player.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54When you broke into the first team
0:13:54 > 0:13:59and you are now playing Premier League football,
0:13:59 > 0:14:02as a young, local superstar, was that pressure for you?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05When I first did get into the team, it was great.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I sort of established myself, as such,
0:14:08 > 0:14:10people were saying good things about me.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Before I knew it, I signed a five-year contract
0:14:12 > 0:14:15and it was thousands of pounds a week.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Which was massive for me, you know?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I just thought, "This is it.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23"I've got to where I want to be. I've got security."
0:14:23 > 0:14:25That was one thing that I wanted to do.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29I always said that I'd look after my nan and grandad,
0:14:29 > 0:14:32my mum and dad, my brother and sister, and I did that.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36I bought them houses, made sure that they was in nice cars
0:14:36 > 0:14:40- and stuff like that. I wanted to give a little bit back to them.- Yeah.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42That's just the sort of person I am.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47But, you know, in the long run, it's come back and bit me on the backside.
0:14:48 > 0:14:53At the top of his game, Lee was earning £40,000 a week.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57He built up a multi-million-pound property portfolio.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00But then, the recession hit,
0:15:00 > 0:15:04leaving Lee unable to afford his mortgages.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I got declared bankrupt.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09And, I mean, that was just... It was horrific.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- Obviously, having all that sort of money, fame.- Right.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I was too embarrassed to go to the shop.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I felt like my whole world had just fell down on top of me.
0:15:18 > 0:15:23It was just... I mean, I'd had my mum's property, my dad's, my nan's.
0:15:23 > 0:15:29Mum's got repossessed first, so I was just absolutely beside myself.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33I was blaming myself, really, because I'd put everyone in these
0:15:33 > 0:15:37positions where they had nice cars, houses and they end up with nothing.
0:15:37 > 0:15:42Honestly, I said to myself, "I can't go on."
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I had a big packet of sleeping tablets and I took every single one.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49I remember waking up and my family, obviously, was all there,
0:15:49 > 0:15:54and to wake up and see everyone there upset, I was embarrassed.
0:15:54 > 0:16:00The second attempt was I sort of had a bad day. It was...
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I remember someone saying something to me, saying,
0:16:03 > 0:16:05"Oh, you've got no money."
0:16:05 > 0:16:09And it hurt me really bad, like, you know, I thought, "I can't cope."
0:16:09 > 0:16:13- Yeah.- And I tried to do the same thing.
0:16:13 > 0:16:19Again, I woke up and I found my family sort of angry at me.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23- OK.- As in, you know, "Why are you doing this?"
0:16:23 > 0:16:27But I don't think I could describe how I felt
0:16:27 > 0:16:32and I don't think anyone could understand how I felt.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36- Yeah.- You know? I had everything - money, cars, houses.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38And everything had gone.
0:16:38 > 0:16:44So, to be there and to fall that massive drop down to the bottom,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47it was horrible.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Frightening.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50If you looked at that time in between,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53do you think you got any support?
0:16:53 > 0:16:58Do you think that maybe the second attempt could have been avoided?
0:16:58 > 0:17:04Yeah, I do, but I think that's down to the individual, like myself.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I felt like I'd got myself in that situation.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08I've got to get myself out of it.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Thanks, mate.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17God bless you, mate. God bless you.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Get that!
0:17:23 > 0:17:27You know, this was a young, local lad who'd just hit the top
0:17:27 > 0:17:30of the game and all of a sudden had everything, like he said.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35He didn't buy a car and a house - he bought cars and houses, you know?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38He pluralised everything, cos he had it all.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41And in one fell swoop, that was all gone
0:17:41 > 0:17:43and he didn't feel like he could talk to anyone.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56'In football, you're only one tackle away from losing everything.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01'In 2001, I was stretchered off the pitch
0:18:01 > 0:18:03'and ended up at this London hospital.'
0:18:07 > 0:18:09The worst injury in my career
0:18:09 > 0:18:15and probably the precursor to the majority of my mental health issues.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19It was a game at Loftus Road, QPR against Fulham.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20'That's going to be a free kick...'
0:18:20 > 0:18:23And I went to clear the ball and Rufus Brevett
0:18:23 > 0:18:26was coming the other way and he got to the ball first
0:18:26 > 0:18:29and we just swung our legs together and landed in a heap on the floor.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37And then he got up and ran away and I didn't.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40'Clarke Carlisle certainly feeling
0:18:40 > 0:18:41'the full force of that.'
0:18:41 > 0:18:43And I knew there was something wrong,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45but I don't think
0:18:45 > 0:18:47that I understood the severity of it.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53'Really in a lot of pain, is Clarke Carlisle.'
0:18:58 > 0:18:59I'd ruptured my ACL,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02popped the TS, wrenched the hamstring,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04the biceps femoris.
0:19:04 > 0:19:09Iliotibial band. I had dislodged the nerve. It was a mess.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17'It's a worrying moment for QPR.'
0:19:17 > 0:19:20The real shock came for me
0:19:20 > 0:19:23when post-op, coming round from the operation...
0:19:23 > 0:19:27might not be able to walk without a stick again.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30'I could not get my head around that.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32'My career was just starting, so to just...'
0:19:34 > 0:19:37..have it slide down.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38I...
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I couldn't...
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I couldn't and didn't want to think about that.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49'Clarke Carlisle looks like
0:19:49 > 0:19:50'that's the end of his game.'
0:19:52 > 0:19:56I think that's where my inability to control what was
0:19:56 > 0:19:58going on upstairs began.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07At the time, I didn't realise
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I was in danger of slipping into chronic depression.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I've come to see Leon McKenzie,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16a former Premier League striker for Norwich.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20'For Norwich, McKenzie too!'
0:20:22 > 0:20:26He scored over 100 goals during his career.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30But now, Leon works in the family business.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Which of these pictures mean the most to you and your family?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44There's a lot of good memories of my family,
0:20:44 > 0:20:47because my dad's a former British and European champion.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51- Yeah.- And I was there last time he won the British title.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I must have been about 12 years old.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56# We are the city light
0:20:56 > 0:20:59# Wham, jam, knock 'im out... #
0:20:59 > 0:21:03The pressure probably crept into my life towards the back
0:21:03 > 0:21:05and I started suffering a lot of injuries.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I ruptured my thigh.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10And then I ruptured my Achilles.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- After that, I was never really the same.- Yeah.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Everything sort of changed in my life.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20I got scared of, "What actually am I going to do after this finishes?"
0:21:20 > 0:21:23I just lost who I was, I lost my direction.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27I just... I couldn't cope with things any more.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32When you get to a stage where you don't want to be here any more,
0:21:32 > 0:21:35to the point of wanting to take my life, to the point
0:21:35 > 0:21:38of not wanting my existence any more,
0:21:38 > 0:21:39I didn't even hesitate.
0:21:39 > 0:21:45You know? And, luckily for me, I got found and everything else.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49- Let's go there. You know, you tried to commit suicide.- That's right.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53And, you know, by the grace of God, you're still here today.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Yeah.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58What took you to that point? What was going though your head?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01The pressure probably crept into my life at a period of probably
0:22:01 > 0:22:06missing my children after sort of my first divorce.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09In our game, we can bottle things up, you know?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12And, if you do that, sometimes you can come unstuck.
0:22:14 > 0:22:19And I do really think that we do need to do a lot more in our field.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- I really do.- What was in place for you? Where could you go?
0:22:23 > 0:22:24What support was there for you?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27That's where I feel that we do need to
0:22:27 > 0:22:31start catching on a little bit more.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34I think the PFA do some fantastic things,
0:22:34 > 0:22:38but also I do think that they can do a lot more.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41The reason I say that is because, when I tried to call up
0:22:41 > 0:22:45and I sort of said, "Look, I've gone through this
0:22:45 > 0:22:48"and I tried to take my life," unfortunately for me,
0:22:48 > 0:22:52I had someone on the other end of the line who didn't really get it.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- Right.- And what that did is I didn't
0:22:54 > 0:22:58really feel any comfort in that conversation.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02So, when I put that phone down, I didn't want to call the PFA back.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06That's a problem for me. That phone call could help so much.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Sometimes, with these things, I think you've got to look
0:23:10 > 0:23:14after your players and you've got to look after your sport.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Why don't the PFA get some sort of hotline, emergency line,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20because it's the phone call that is probably the main thing...
0:23:20 > 0:23:23That first point of contact.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26..in giving them the courage to then be able to be confident and speak.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28A hotline's a very good shout, mate.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35I just find it so sad that someone can get to that point
0:23:35 > 0:23:37and feel so alone.
0:23:37 > 0:23:42And I agree with him that that first point of contact is vital.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45You know, people need to know where they're at.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48They need to be aware of where they're heading to,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51and if they're not, someone around them needs to be aware.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54And when they become aware, they need to know where to turn
0:23:54 > 0:23:58and that place that they turn to is vitally important.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05'I'm surprised that the players union which I represent, the PFA,
0:24:05 > 0:24:09'might not be offering the right support for players in need.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12'I know how vital it is to speak to someone
0:24:12 > 0:24:14'when you're at your lowest ebb.'
0:24:20 > 0:24:22'Whilst recovering from my knee injury,
0:24:22 > 0:24:24'I was unable to play for nearly two years.'
0:24:26 > 0:24:29I was trying to process the fact that I might never play again
0:24:29 > 0:24:32and I couldn't cope with it.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36I couldn't, because, at that time, football...
0:24:36 > 0:24:39football was me. I was Clarke the footballer.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43And the fact that that was taken away,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46I didn't know what I was going to do with my life.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50You know, I couldn't see the reason for anyone to be proud of me,
0:24:50 > 0:24:52least not my family.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I'd already made my mind up about what I was going to do.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58When I was here and I saw the park...
0:25:00 > 0:25:02there was no-one there
0:25:02 > 0:25:04and I thought,
0:25:04 > 0:25:08"I'm going to take all these pills and kill myself...
0:25:09 > 0:25:12"..because I am now of no use to anyone.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15"Because now, without football, they're going to see me
0:25:15 > 0:25:18"for what I really am and that was nothing."
0:25:23 > 0:25:25'I sat on a bench...
0:25:27 > 0:25:29'..popped pills'
0:25:29 > 0:25:31and waited for it to happen.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38It's horrible being here.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Sometimes, you can go back to points in your life
0:25:41 > 0:25:42when something negative happens
0:25:42 > 0:25:46and you know that you've learned from it and you know that
0:25:46 > 0:25:49you've grown and you know that
0:25:49 > 0:25:51you learned life's lessons from it...
0:25:54 > 0:25:57..but I can't stand being here, because...
0:26:03 > 0:26:05..because of all that I, you know...
0:26:05 > 0:26:07What a fucking idiot.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17There's certain things you don't appreciate at the time and...
0:26:18 > 0:26:21You know, my wife and my children.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28So horrible that something could come over you that makes you
0:26:28 > 0:26:31lose sight of these things in your life.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33You know?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Even now, I feel so ashamed.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44HE SOBS
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Luckily, I was found by my girlfriend
0:26:59 > 0:27:01and rushed to hospital in time.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08'I have a very strong body.'
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I do all the work to make it strong,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13yet it can still break down
0:27:13 > 0:27:17and my mind is exactly the same.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20'Cos I have an incredibly strong mind.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24'But that mind can get ill or break down.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30'Depression, in my opinion,'
0:27:30 > 0:27:32is a mental injury that needs
0:27:32 > 0:27:36diagnosing, treating and then you're back on track again.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44I kept my attempted suicide a secret from all my team-mates.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Depression is still seen as a weakness, which makes it
0:27:48 > 0:27:51a taboo that no-one in the game will admit to.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54But keeping it a secret can be fatal.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56Good afternoon.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00The Welsh football manager, Gary Speed, has died at the age of 42.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02It appears he had taken his own life.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06When he died in 2011,
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Gary Speed was a successful manager for the Welsh national side.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11You know, we believe in the way we play.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13We believe in what we've got
0:28:13 > 0:28:15to do, so, you never know, we might make a result.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18His death shocked the nation.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22There was nothing to suggest any problems, anything untoward at all?
0:28:22 > 0:28:25No, nothing at all. I'm just...
0:28:25 > 0:28:27I just can't believe it.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- COMMENTATOR:- 'Speed scores and effort is finally...'
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Gary had lived a dream football career with a record number
0:28:32 > 0:28:36of outfield appearances for his country.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40God only knows why what happened happened.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43No-one could understand what had driven him to such an act.
0:28:48 > 0:28:54I'm on my way to go and see Lesley Speed, Gary Speed's sister.
0:28:54 > 0:28:59Hopefully, Lesley can give us some kind of insight into,
0:28:59 > 0:29:03if not the actual state of mind at the time, the impact
0:29:03 > 0:29:08of suicide on what was seemingly a happy and functional family.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19- Hi.- Hi, I'm Clarke. Nice to meet you.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22- Come on in. - Thank you very much.
0:29:22 > 0:29:26'This is the first time that Lesley has spoken publicly
0:29:26 > 0:29:27'about her brother.'
0:29:27 > 0:29:29If somebody had asked me if I thought
0:29:29 > 0:29:31that my brother was depressed,
0:29:31 > 0:29:35I'd have said, no, absolutely not.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38What I know now about depression and suicide,
0:29:38 > 0:29:42of course he was depressed. Of course he was. He hid it from us.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45People that are suffering from depression and not only fighting
0:29:45 > 0:29:50the illness, they're also fighting the stigma that goes with it.
0:29:50 > 0:29:56- Yeah.- It perhaps did stop him from asking for help...
0:29:56 > 0:29:58within his job.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00Why do you think that was?
0:30:00 > 0:30:05Trust. You know, that probably had a lot to do with it.
0:30:05 > 0:30:09Who could you trust? What if it got out?
0:30:09 > 0:30:11He would have been seen as weak.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14Depression wasn't talked about in our family.
0:30:14 > 0:30:20It was something that you didn't have. You're not depressed.
0:30:20 > 0:30:21You're fine.
0:30:21 > 0:30:25"Pull yourself together," that's a common thing that people say.
0:30:25 > 0:30:29You get treated if you have an illness but with depression,
0:30:29 > 0:30:30people tend to withdraw.
0:30:30 > 0:30:34You don't know. You don't have any idea.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37Maybe he thought he had to put on this persona
0:30:37 > 0:30:39and hide how he was really feeling.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45Just hours before his death, Gary Speed appeared on television.
0:30:46 > 0:30:50There was nothing to suggest that anything was wrong.
0:30:50 > 0:30:54But later that night, his wife found him hanged in his garage.
0:30:55 > 0:30:59We were just so sad that we couldn't help him through.
0:30:59 > 0:31:05That's a huge regret that I didn't get him to one side and say,
0:31:05 > 0:31:07"Are you all right?"
0:31:08 > 0:31:13Even now, when we look back, it's still so unbelievable. We miss him.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16We miss him.
0:31:18 > 0:31:22I can't even begin to imagine... I'm so sorry.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25That's OK. I'm glad you're here.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29I'm so sorry.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34'I will never know what she's feeling.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36'I'll never know what the family are feeling.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38'Just being there and talking to her
0:31:38 > 0:31:41'and hearing what they're feeling...'
0:31:41 > 0:31:45I almost put that on my own family and that is...
0:31:50 > 0:31:55It's a tough, tough feeling. That is hard.
0:31:57 > 0:32:02'For it to not be in vain that this man took his life,'
0:32:02 > 0:32:04we have to do something about it.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07- I- have to do something about it.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18In the aftermath of the Speed tragedy,
0:32:18 > 0:32:20ten footballers came forward
0:32:20 > 0:32:23to contact a clinic called Sporting Chance.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25Initially, it was for footballers,
0:32:25 > 0:32:29but now it's progressed to sportsmen and women who are suffering
0:32:29 > 0:32:33with problems with addiction of all different types.
0:32:33 > 0:32:39I know the impact and what is offered by the clinic
0:32:39 > 0:32:42and how tremendous and life-saving it can be.
0:32:44 > 0:32:48I want to find out from the CEO Colin Bland if they've seen
0:32:48 > 0:32:51an increase in footballers seeking help.
0:32:54 > 0:33:00- Hey, Clarke.- Colin, how are you? - Good to see you. This has changed.
0:33:00 > 0:33:04This is just the office space. It used to be a lot different.
0:33:04 > 0:33:09Oh, yeah. There are more people working here.
0:33:11 > 0:33:15'The clinic was set up by ex-Arsenal and England captain Tony Adams.'
0:33:19 > 0:33:21We've got four guys who have just completed the first week
0:33:21 > 0:33:24- of our treatment programme. - Right.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27Two of those are current sportsmen and two are retired sportsmen.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30Not long retired but retired.
0:33:30 > 0:33:34You would be pretty familiar with the work that they are doing
0:33:34 > 0:33:38and the process that they're involved in.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40One of the things that has changed over ten years is that we run
0:33:40 > 0:33:44more treatment episodes and actually they are all full.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47The largest group we ever had in together is four players.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49A mix of men and women getting well.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52'One in four people in the UK is likely
0:33:52 > 0:33:54'to suffer from mental illness.'
0:33:55 > 0:33:59With over 50,000 current and former pro footballers,
0:33:59 > 0:34:03I'm worried that this small four-bed farmhouse is not big enough
0:34:03 > 0:34:06to accommodate every player that may need help.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12After my injury, I was back playing.
0:34:12 > 0:34:16On the face of it, my career was flying again.
0:34:16 > 0:34:21But my mental health was still fragile.
0:34:21 > 0:34:25My confidence and self-esteem in particular were inextricably linked
0:34:25 > 0:34:28with football. Losing a game makes me feel low.
0:34:28 > 0:34:34This is a daily, weekly occurrence that you are caused to assess
0:34:34 > 0:34:37what's going on in your contribution and your value.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40You have a definitive result.
0:34:40 > 0:34:44Every Saturday is, yes, success or, no, failure.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49In 2003, QPR reached the play-off final against Cardiff
0:34:49 > 0:34:52for the Millennium Stadium.
0:34:52 > 0:34:5790 minutes away from glory... or despair.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59- COMMENTATOR:- 'Some cannot bear to watch the play-offs.'
0:34:59 > 0:35:05I still dream now about moments in that match where things
0:35:05 > 0:35:06could have changed.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12I broke out from the back, passed the ball out to Kevin Gallen
0:35:12 > 0:35:16and then carried on my run to the back post.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21I headed it down for the near post...
0:35:24 > 0:35:27..and it went wide.
0:35:31 > 0:35:37In every manual, you are taught - head across the goal.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42Head down across the goal.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53And if I had done that, A, I might have scored.
0:35:53 > 0:35:57B, one of my team-mates might have got it in.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59C, the keeper might have saved it
0:35:59 > 0:36:02and pushed it out to someone who could put it in.
0:36:02 > 0:36:04And the game changes.
0:36:04 > 0:36:08'Carlisle...clearance. Campbell, he's onside.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11'It's Andy Campbell. It's in!
0:36:13 > 0:36:19'Campbell comes off the bench to be a hero. A superhero.'
0:36:20 > 0:36:24I'm not sure I've had a worse moment in my career.
0:36:24 > 0:36:28Losing that play-off final for QPR, I lost that summer.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31I drank for the entire summer.
0:36:41 > 0:36:42'When players fail on the pitch,
0:36:42 > 0:36:45'they can cost the clubs millions in lost revenue.'
0:36:47 > 0:36:49TANNOY: 'Welcome to Munich.'
0:36:51 > 0:36:53The cost to the player can be even higher.
0:36:55 > 0:36:59I've come to a place that produces some of the world's best players.
0:36:59 > 0:37:05Germany. Robert Enke was Germany's national goalkeeper.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07He played for Barcelona and Benfica.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12Like me, he also suffered from depression.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15I've come to talk to his friend, Ronald Reng.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20He did struggle with certain pressures of football.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23How much do you think those pressures contributed
0:37:23 > 0:37:25to his depression?
0:37:25 > 0:37:28It's fair to say he was prone to depression.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31In this case, it was the pressure he put himself
0:37:31 > 0:37:36under as a goalkeeper to always be perfect, to never make mistakes.
0:37:36 > 0:37:39Football, lots of times, was the trigger for his illness.
0:37:39 > 0:37:43We had the first case of clinical depression in 2003
0:37:43 > 0:37:47when he joined Barcelona Football Club.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49Playing for one of the world's leading football clubs
0:37:49 > 0:37:52was Enke's biggest challenge.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54He put himself so much under pressure himself -
0:37:54 > 0:37:58"I need to be Barcelona's number one goalkeeper."
0:37:59 > 0:38:02His first game for the club was disastrous.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05He conceded three second half goals
0:38:05 > 0:38:08and Barcelona were knocked out of the cup.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10The following day, Enke was lambasted by the press
0:38:10 > 0:38:13and his own team-mates.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17Soon after, he left the club.
0:38:17 > 0:38:20Because he had such high expectations of himself,
0:38:20 > 0:38:26he blamed himself so much and he went into a spiral of blame.
0:38:26 > 0:38:30Basically, the whole process of the depression started there.
0:38:32 > 0:38:35- NEWSREADER:- 'A period of soul-searching has begun over
0:38:35 > 0:38:39'how a soccer idol could feel compelled to take his own life.'
0:38:41 > 0:38:44Robert Enke killed himself in 2009.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46At the age of 32.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49Leaving a nation reeling in disbelief.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53He was Germany's number one goalkeeper.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56Nobody understood why would he kill himself.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58He always looked so calm and strong on the pitch.
0:38:58 > 0:39:02It comes to a stage, in the case of Robert, where the thought
0:39:02 > 0:39:06of killing yourself takes over and you can't get it out of your mind.
0:39:10 > 0:39:15Ronald did say that there was still a shame about it for Robert.
0:39:15 > 0:39:19He felt like he was hiding when he was going to his therapy
0:39:19 > 0:39:22and it was his secret.
0:39:22 > 0:39:28I can definitely empathise with that about hiding it away
0:39:28 > 0:39:31and feeling like it's an embarrassment and shame
0:39:31 > 0:39:33and a slight on your character and personality.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37That can be very difficult to cope with.
0:39:37 > 0:39:42If we can address that issue, and make people's awareness of it
0:39:42 > 0:39:45and understanding of it and tolerance of it...
0:39:48 > 0:39:50..at an acceptable level,
0:39:50 > 0:39:55then that's what makes me think that there can be help for all.
0:39:58 > 0:40:03Enke's death led to widespread changes in how German football deals
0:40:03 > 0:40:06with the players' mental health.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11Now every club provides access to psychiatric treatment.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16'They've set up a 24-hour hotline
0:40:16 > 0:40:19'and raise awareness through the Robert Enke Foundation.'
0:40:21 > 0:40:25In the UK, I'm surprised more hasn't been done to tackle the taboo.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28There is no research to...
0:40:28 > 0:40:32base any decisions or actions or reactions on.
0:40:32 > 0:40:37That means that everything that we do as an industry
0:40:37 > 0:40:39is essentially reactive.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42We have nothing to say that transferring club
0:40:42 > 0:40:45s that the third most stressful thing you'll do,
0:40:45 > 0:40:48or being released from a football club at 18
0:40:48 > 0:40:52is one of the most damaging incidents
0:40:52 > 0:40:56in a young footballer's career.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58We have no clue as to what they are.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00Everything is guesswork.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06Earlier this season, whilst playing for Northampton Town,
0:41:06 > 0:41:09I suffered a serious bout of depression.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17Unable to go to work for days, my manager,
0:41:17 > 0:41:21Aidy Boothroyd, told everyone that I had the flu.
0:41:24 > 0:41:30- Gaffer.- Hello.- How are you? - I'm very well. How are you? OK?
0:41:30 > 0:41:33'I want to ask him why depression is still a stigma.'
0:41:33 > 0:41:38People are reluctant to talk about mental health issues and depression.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41When I went through what I went through this season,
0:41:41 > 0:41:43we told the press that I had the flu.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45That's what was said to the lads, that I was ill.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48I wonder whether that was for ease
0:41:48 > 0:41:52or if you felt that that was to protect me.
0:41:52 > 0:41:56I think some people who don't understand it might think,
0:41:56 > 0:41:59"We can't pick him to do this thing or this
0:41:59 > 0:42:04"because of how he is or what he's suffered from."
0:42:04 > 0:42:06I think it's one of those things that people skirt over
0:42:06 > 0:42:09because they'd rather avoid it.
0:42:09 > 0:42:14I'm from Yorkshire. My thinking used to be, get on with it. Sort it out.
0:42:14 > 0:42:16Grow a pair and move on.
0:42:16 > 0:42:21But, as time has gone on, and terrible things have happened...
0:42:21 > 0:42:25Gary Speed, for example. It's one of them things -
0:42:25 > 0:42:28wow, where did that come from?
0:42:28 > 0:42:32I don't think...mental health, we know an awful lot about it.
0:42:32 > 0:42:34I certainly don't.
0:42:34 > 0:42:37To be perfectly honest, I'm not comfortable talking about it
0:42:37 > 0:42:38not because I don't want to -
0:42:38 > 0:42:40because I don't know enough about it.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43I think there's a protection issue in terms of the chairman
0:42:43 > 0:42:45and the people that put the money in and,
0:42:45 > 0:42:48when I signed you, I said that to him.
0:42:48 > 0:42:49I was straight and honest to him.
0:42:49 > 0:42:52I said, "Clarke may go off the rails now and again.
0:42:52 > 0:42:53"But this is what he gives us."
0:42:53 > 0:42:54Gaffer, thank you very much.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56It was a very long-winded answer, wasn't it?
0:42:56 > 0:43:01Not as many syllables as you use! But it was a very good answer.
0:43:01 > 0:43:04- Thank you very much.- Always a pleasure. Always a pleasure.
0:43:04 > 0:43:08I don't blame anybody for having that, "pull yourself together"
0:43:08 > 0:43:11mentality because it...
0:43:11 > 0:43:15you can only think that if you don't understand the illness.
0:43:15 > 0:43:17That...that is it.
0:43:17 > 0:43:22If someone has been alongside me
0:43:22 > 0:43:26and learnt about the illness and the effects
0:43:26 > 0:43:28and how and why it happens
0:43:28 > 0:43:31and then they say, "Oh, pull yourself together," then I will
0:43:31 > 0:43:34blame that person because that is just plain ignorance.
0:43:36 > 0:43:41But someone who doesn't know about it, how can you blame that person?
0:43:41 > 0:43:44You just can't.
0:43:47 > 0:43:49The gaffer has spent this season
0:43:49 > 0:43:53getting our club from the bottom of League Two into the top six.
0:43:55 > 0:43:57CHEERING
0:43:57 > 0:43:59We are through to the play-off final at Wembley.
0:44:01 > 0:44:03And this might be my last game.
0:44:04 > 0:44:08I am seriously thinking of retiring at the end of the season.
0:44:09 > 0:44:11- Are you ready, son?- Yeah.
0:44:11 > 0:44:13Yeah.
0:44:13 > 0:44:16What a lot of people don't appreciate is that each time,
0:44:16 > 0:44:20you know, we move as a family, Gem has to change her job,
0:44:20 > 0:44:23she changes community, you know, get new friends
0:44:23 > 0:44:27and neighbours, and settle into a whole new way of life,
0:44:27 > 0:44:30and it is about time that there is a bit of focus on her
0:44:30 > 0:44:33and the kids instead of me and the football.
0:44:35 > 0:44:37As soon as Clarke thought about retiring last year,
0:44:37 > 0:44:39every single person that he spoke to was like,
0:44:39 > 0:44:42"Don't. Play football for as long as you can,
0:44:42 > 0:44:43"you know, you'll regret it."
0:44:43 > 0:44:46Would you like to be a footballer?
0:44:46 > 0:44:49No. Do you not like football?
0:44:49 > 0:44:54- Why don't you like football?- Because I...I don't want to get hurt.
0:45:01 > 0:45:03Marley, you are going to have to tell me
0:45:03 > 0:45:05- where to go when we get there, OK, son?- OK.
0:45:07 > 0:45:10It is a really big decision for us to make.
0:45:11 > 0:45:14It is going to be very tough to replace football, you know.
0:45:15 > 0:45:17But it's...
0:45:17 > 0:45:20It is going to be incredibly tough to replace football.
0:45:22 > 0:45:24I am not deluded.
0:45:24 > 0:45:30There are going to be some hard moments coming forward.
0:45:30 > 0:45:34I am at the end of my career now. A 33-year-old man.
0:45:34 > 0:45:39I will leave football and I will have hopefully another 40,
0:45:39 > 0:45:4150, 60 years to go.
0:45:42 > 0:45:44That is a scary thought.
0:45:45 > 0:45:47Football is all I have ever known.
0:45:49 > 0:45:52What the hell do I do now?
0:45:56 > 0:46:00This season, the biggest names in football have retired.
0:46:00 > 0:46:02And like me,
0:46:02 > 0:46:06they're going to have to fill the dangerous void that football leaves.
0:46:06 > 0:46:08After retirement,
0:46:08 > 0:46:11the chances of suffering from clinical depression
0:46:11 > 0:46:13can go up by 40%.
0:46:13 > 0:46:18So when you land on football's scrapheap, how do you bounce back?
0:46:20 > 0:46:24Focus Fitness is a new initiative designed to retrain footballers
0:46:24 > 0:46:26as personal fitness trainers.
0:46:26 > 0:46:28..delivers a 50- to 60-minute programme today...
0:46:28 > 0:46:32The ex-players here are all facing up to the difficult reality
0:46:32 > 0:46:34of life after football.
0:46:34 > 0:46:37Are you sure? I don't want to rush you. Connor?
0:46:37 > 0:46:39Frankie, couple of minutes.
0:46:40 > 0:46:43Former West Ham player Ishmael Welsh is only 25,
0:46:43 > 0:46:46but his football career has already come to an end.
0:46:46 > 0:46:50That moment when you realised that it wasn't going to be football
0:46:50 > 0:46:53that was going to pay your way, you know,
0:46:53 > 0:46:57that was going to be your career, what was that moment like for you?
0:46:57 > 0:47:00It was scary. It was really scary.
0:47:00 > 0:47:01But my head was all over the place,
0:47:01 > 0:47:03I was thinking of all sorts of things to do.
0:47:03 > 0:47:06To an extent, I was quite depressed because I didn't know...
0:47:06 > 0:47:07"Where am I going to go from here?"
0:47:07 > 0:47:11- This is the time I have to make the big decision of my life.- Yeah.
0:47:11 > 0:47:13You know, no-one is going to make it for me.
0:47:13 > 0:47:15I have had decisions being made for me all of my life -
0:47:15 > 0:47:19when you're at football, your parents, but I'm an adult now.
0:47:19 > 0:47:22I have got to grow up and I have got to grow up fast.
0:47:23 > 0:47:27Ishmael's story shows how precarious my industry can be.
0:47:28 > 0:47:30His career has only lasted eight years.
0:47:30 > 0:47:34We need to go into football clubs and where these guys have egos
0:47:34 > 0:47:37and that, "Oh, it doesn't apply to me cos I am going to make it,"
0:47:37 > 0:47:38slap 'em down.
0:47:40 > 0:47:41Slap them down and say,
0:47:41 > 0:47:44"You know what, out of all of you guys here, you will be lucky
0:47:44 > 0:47:47"if six of you are still playing in five years."
0:47:47 > 0:47:52We need to get real instead of just wrapping people in cotton wool.
0:47:55 > 0:47:59I feel we have to make some radical changes as an industry.
0:48:01 > 0:48:05The chairman of the FA, David Bernstein, has agreed to meet me.
0:48:07 > 0:48:11To discuss my findings looking into football's mental health.
0:48:12 > 0:48:15- Ah, fantastic.- Clarke, good to see you. Welcome to Wembley.
0:48:15 > 0:48:17How are you, are you well?
0:48:17 > 0:48:19How important is players' mental health
0:48:19 > 0:48:21to the FA as our national governing body?
0:48:21 > 0:48:23Clearly, it is crucially important.
0:48:23 > 0:48:28- Football is fundamentally an insecure profession...- Yes.
0:48:28 > 0:48:32..and I think that lack of security can lead to these things very easily.
0:48:32 > 0:48:35But what has been done by the FA in this area?
0:48:35 > 0:48:37One of the things is to try and remove that stigma,
0:48:37 > 0:48:40- to get people open... talking about these things.- Yeah.
0:48:40 > 0:48:45There is an FA programme aimed at trying to help with these areas.
0:48:45 > 0:48:47There are a number of initiatives
0:48:47 > 0:48:50that are taking place and are under development.
0:48:50 > 0:48:54What's the FA programme do, cos I haven't come across that?
0:48:54 > 0:48:58To be honest with you, I am not au fait with the full detail of it...
0:48:58 > 0:49:04- OK.- ..but there is a programme that we have put in place.
0:49:04 > 0:49:07I am unaware of some of the initiatives
0:49:07 > 0:49:10that you are running as our national governing body
0:49:10 > 0:49:14and yourself as chairman of the FA are unaware of certain
0:49:14 > 0:49:18initiatives that are going, how can we expect all of that to translate?
0:49:18 > 0:49:20You are absolutely right.
0:49:20 > 0:49:22This is not something that has been high on my agenda,
0:49:22 > 0:49:25but in honesty, maybe it should have been higher.
0:49:25 > 0:49:28The very nature of the problem tends to be kept quiet.
0:49:28 > 0:49:35There is a real reluctance to dip into the entire issue to find out
0:49:35 > 0:49:39- exactly what it is about and how to deal with it.- I agree with you.
0:49:39 > 0:49:42I am sure it has been badly neglected in the past.
0:49:42 > 0:49:44But when you think of the top end of the game,
0:49:44 > 0:49:47the investment in players and the value of those investments,
0:49:47 > 0:49:51anything that goes towards their wellbeing has to be a win-win.
0:49:51 > 0:49:55I think getting the whole of football together is absolutely key.
0:49:55 > 0:49:57Probably THE key thing,
0:49:57 > 0:50:00and I am, in a way, very happy we are having this conversation
0:50:00 > 0:50:07because it is raising the profile of the issue for me as well.
0:50:07 > 0:50:10David, thank you so much for your time. Really appreciate it, sir.
0:50:17 > 0:50:22I genuinely hope that this meeting is the beginning of something big.
0:50:23 > 0:50:25It is the first step in us
0:50:25 > 0:50:30taking some positive strides in tackling this issue.
0:50:34 > 0:50:37- Would you like to watch a DVD?- Yeah!
0:50:38 > 0:50:41It is only days away from the play-offs at Wembley
0:50:41 > 0:50:43and what could be my final game.
0:50:45 > 0:50:49You get this one game, the 49th game of the season, at Wembley,
0:50:49 > 0:50:53you are talking 50, 60, 70, 80,000 people.
0:50:53 > 0:50:55It has got quite a weight of importance for me
0:50:55 > 0:50:58this year to be successful, to know that I have contributed.
0:50:58 > 0:51:03To know that I... still have a footballing worth.
0:51:03 > 0:51:06This year is quite big for me. I can't pretend it is not.
0:51:16 > 0:51:19# Northampton! Northampton! Northampton! #
0:51:26 > 0:51:28CHEERING
0:51:30 > 0:51:33Losing again in a final is unthinkable.
0:51:34 > 0:51:38The last time it happened, my depression wiped me out for months.
0:51:39 > 0:51:42This is my last chance to go out on a high.
0:51:42 > 0:51:47Can I end my career in glory by captaining my team to promotion?
0:51:51 > 0:51:54- COMMENTATOR: - '18 months ago Aidy Boothroyd
0:51:54 > 0:51:58'took charge at Northampton Town and it was a side facing the very
0:51:58 > 0:52:03'real possibility of relegation into the abyss of non-league football.
0:52:04 > 0:52:08'18 months on, and he is looking for a happy ending.'
0:52:09 > 0:52:13It all culminates in one 90 minutes.
0:52:13 > 0:52:1890 minutes that define your season as a success or a failure.
0:52:18 > 0:52:20'..cross into the box towards the back post,
0:52:20 > 0:52:21'over the head of Hanson.
0:52:21 > 0:52:23'Might still be an opportunity for Bradford.
0:52:23 > 0:52:24'Chipped back into the penalty area.
0:52:24 > 0:52:27'Need to be careful. The Cobblers... Over the goalkeeper's head...
0:52:27 > 0:52:31'and 1-0 Bradford lead in this play-off final.'
0:52:33 > 0:52:35'Carlisle not happy with the decision at all.
0:52:35 > 0:52:37'It is only 10 yards or so inside the Cobblers' half.
0:52:37 > 0:52:39'Break kindly for Doyle.
0:52:39 > 0:52:41'Ball back into the box, diving header and goal!'
0:52:41 > 0:52:44CROWD CHEER
0:52:44 > 0:52:46'And another goal for Bradford. They lead 2-0,
0:52:46 > 0:52:50'and this game is slipping away from Northampton Town already.'
0:52:50 > 0:52:52'Finds Reid. Kyel Reid chips it up to the back post.
0:52:52 > 0:52:54'The Cobblers undone again here.
0:52:54 > 0:52:57'Wells with a chance to make it 3-0 and he does.
0:52:57 > 0:53:00'And things just go from bad to worse.
0:53:00 > 0:53:03'And Northampton Town are suffering a Wembley nightmare.
0:53:04 > 0:53:07'Northampton just didn't mount enough of a challenge
0:53:07 > 0:53:10'to ever threaten to unsettle Bradford City.
0:53:10 > 0:53:13'Final score from Wembley, it's so disappointing.
0:53:13 > 0:53:16'It's Bradford City 3, Northampton Town 0.'
0:53:21 > 0:53:26I was certain that we were going to win that game.
0:53:28 > 0:53:32But we didn't, we got beat and we got beat comfortably.
0:53:32 > 0:53:33It is really horrible.
0:53:33 > 0:53:37You know, sometimes you can draw consolation in a game
0:53:37 > 0:53:41where your team loses but you have played really well.
0:53:41 > 0:53:44And that can be a small consolation to you,
0:53:44 > 0:53:46but I can't even clutch at that one.
0:53:48 > 0:53:51You just feel like you have let everybody down,
0:53:51 > 0:53:52it is such a horrible feeling.
0:53:59 > 0:54:03On my journey into football's mental health, I have discovered
0:54:03 > 0:54:06that many of my fellow professionals have suffered in silence.
0:54:06 > 0:54:07Yes, that's right.
0:54:07 > 0:54:10And even tried to take their own lives.
0:54:10 > 0:54:14I have seen how other countries like Germany tackle this taboo.
0:54:16 > 0:54:18And now it is time for us to rise to the challenge.
0:54:20 > 0:54:23This process has been cathartic for me.
0:54:23 > 0:54:25And allowed me to tackle my own demons.
0:54:25 > 0:54:30It has helped me to accept that failure on the football pitch
0:54:30 > 0:54:32does not mean failure in life.
0:54:33 > 0:54:38I had invested so much in my personal psychological state
0:54:38 > 0:54:44in success in this game when, you know,
0:54:44 > 0:54:48the reality is that I have actually gained more, I think,
0:54:48 > 0:54:53in defeat because it is from that that...
0:54:54 > 0:54:59..I realise and appreciate what it is that actually makes me
0:54:59 > 0:55:05whole, what it is that is important to me.
0:55:05 > 0:55:10I had my priorities all wrong, you know, like I kept saying,
0:55:10 > 0:55:15football defined me as what gave me my position in life.
0:55:16 > 0:55:18Whereas...
0:55:18 > 0:55:20you know,
0:55:20 > 0:55:23don't get me wrong, football means a lot to a lot of people.
0:55:25 > 0:55:28But being a father and a husband means more.
0:55:28 > 0:55:33- Would you like something to eat? - INTERVIEWER: So have you retired now?
0:55:33 > 0:55:36Have I? That's a really good question.
0:55:37 > 0:55:40"Have I retired?"
0:55:41 > 0:55:43I think I am ready for the next step now.
0:55:48 > 0:55:52- Hi there. - Good morning, sir. Is this it?
0:55:52 > 0:55:55Yeah, Clarke, this is the necessary document.
0:55:56 > 0:55:58It wasn't an easy decision.
0:55:58 > 0:56:02The fact of the matter is that my body can't do
0:56:02 > 0:56:04what I want it to do any more.
0:56:06 > 0:56:10I have thoroughly enjoyed my entire career,
0:56:10 > 0:56:12but it doesn't define me as a human being.
0:56:12 > 0:56:17- Should probably read this before I sign it.- Yeah, you probably should.
0:56:17 > 0:56:19Free's up a wage.
0:56:19 > 0:56:23I can now go and get an experienced international in(!)
0:56:23 > 0:56:25CLARKE LAUGHS
0:56:25 > 0:56:26- That's all done.- Brilliant, cheers.
0:56:26 > 0:56:29- All the very best for the future. - Thank you very much.
0:56:29 > 0:56:30..no.
0:56:30 > 0:56:33- Thank you very much.- Well done.
0:56:33 > 0:56:38Oh-hoo-hoo! Here it is. I am done.
0:56:38 > 0:56:41Free at last! Free at last!
0:56:55 > 0:56:59Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd