0:00:02 > 0:00:03ROCK MUSIC
0:00:06 > 0:00:09'I'm Michael Smiley, comedian, actor, North Down hellion.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13'I've done stand-up, I've done drama, I've done film and TV.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16'I've done all right for myself, but my true love is cycling,
0:00:16 > 0:00:17'and 30 years after leaving home,
0:00:17 > 0:00:19'I'm back for a pedal around Northern Ireland.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23'This could turn out to be the ride of my life.'
0:00:23 > 0:00:25SOUL MUSIC
0:00:30 > 0:00:32This is the joy. That's what I signed up for.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Air's all sweet and heavy after the rain.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38A lovely country road.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Way out in the countryside, beautiful. Absolutely lovely.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45What's lovely is I get to cycle alone, get to think. You know?
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Get meditative and stuff. But it's also nice to share it.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Cycling on your own's great,
0:00:50 > 0:00:52but it's like watching a cartoon on your own.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54You know, you're laughing,
0:00:54 > 0:00:56but you want to share that laughter with somebody.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58The push-bike and the joy and the smell
0:00:58 > 0:01:00and the inspiration, you want to share it.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03The other great thing about being out there with company
0:01:03 > 0:01:04is you can slipstream.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07If I was with my mate Bill, we used to cycle back in the day, he would
0:01:07 > 0:01:11go to the front and he'd ride for as hard as he could and I would sit in.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13So you can conserve your energy.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17When he's knackered, he goes behind me and I move to the front.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20The disadvantages was, Bill used to like a rake of Guinness
0:01:20 > 0:01:24at night-time and a chicken jalfrezi, so...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Yeah. You know.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Nice country lane, sweet smell in the air,
0:01:29 > 0:01:31and one of his air biscuits.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Takes the edge off things, doesn't it?
0:01:32 > 0:01:35'Later I'll be enjoying the Loughshore air over in Jordanstown
0:01:35 > 0:01:38'and comparing cycle times with gold medallist Martyn Irvine.'
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I think I'm anaemic when I go to Europe.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43He should go into one of those spray tan places or something.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45'I'll be in Lisburn to meet the inspiring pensioner who
0:01:45 > 0:01:47'pedalled her way into the record books.'
0:01:47 > 0:01:50You're a beast. You're a beast of a woman.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51- SHE LAUGHS - I'm not.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53'I get my first off-road cycling experience up
0:01:53 > 0:01:55'a mountain in Kilbroney.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58'All that and I also attempt a 25 mile time trial up
0:01:58 > 0:02:00'the M1 near Dungannon.'
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I hate it already.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04'Now where was I? Oh, yeah. Slipstreaming.'
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Slipstreaming, that's what you see in the Tour de France.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12Get a long row of riders, one's in the back, saving their energy,
0:02:12 > 0:02:14one in the front, goes as hard as he can,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17then he pulls off, he goes to the back.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Then the one behind moves up and they keep doing that.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Cyclical, cyclical, cyc...
0:02:25 > 0:02:27# I'm just a sucker for love
0:02:27 > 0:02:30# Sucker for love Sucker for love, baby! #
0:02:30 > 0:02:33As if by magic, the shopkeeper appeared, huh?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Hello, girls! Urgh!
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Room for a wee one?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41# Sexy little lady... #
0:02:41 > 0:02:44'Found myself slipstreaming with the Steady Ladies Cycling Club,
0:02:44 > 0:02:48'led by Frances Knipe, with members from Armagh, Portadown, all over.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52'Thankfully, no air biscuits at the end of this pedal, just cake.'
0:02:52 > 0:02:54We only cycle for the coffee stop.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58We go from one coffee shop to the next.
0:02:58 > 0:03:03We know all the coffee shops within a 25 mile radius of Armagh, I'd say.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Are you the founder of the Steady Ladies?
0:03:05 > 0:03:06I suppose you could say I am, yes.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I decided it was time that ladies got out there on the road,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11so started up a ladies' club.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- You're top hoo-hah. Number one dog.- Well...
0:03:14 > 0:03:15WOMEN LAUGH
0:03:15 > 0:03:17MICHAEL HOWLS
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I wanted to get out on a road bike and cycle,
0:03:19 > 0:03:23but I felt a bit intimidated by the bunch of macho males racing
0:03:23 > 0:03:28past in Lycra, so I decided that I would contact our local steady
0:03:28 > 0:03:33cycling club, and spoke to them about starting up a women's group.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36At the time, it was very clearly defined that this is
0:03:36 > 0:03:39a women's group and no men were allowed to join it.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Had to be ladies,
0:03:40 > 0:03:44and it was really to give ladies that opportunity to get out
0:03:44 > 0:03:46cycling, get out on their bikes,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49enjoy it without feeling in any way intimidated.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53I think when men go out in a bunch, they talk about bikes,
0:03:53 > 0:03:55they talk about gears, they talk about
0:03:55 > 0:03:59when are they going to upgrade their wheels and blah, blah, blah.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01When the women go out, what do we talk about?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03We talk about our family and our interests and our holidays.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Cakes and men, cakes and men, isn't it?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Cycling for me is definitely an antidepressant,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11and the old thing about, you know,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13a problem shared is a problem halved, you know,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I go out and I cycle with these ladies and I say
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I'm having trouble with my teenagers, or trouble
0:04:17 > 0:04:20with my relationship or my elderly parents,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23and somebody always has, "I feel the same way." Sharing.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25I love getting out on the bike, chatting to these,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28moaning about children not doing their homework,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31and it's great to come back in and you're just like a new person.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32It's great, yeah.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35And you're doing something that's good for your body, mind and soul.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38It's not like you're just going round the corner to moan
0:04:38 > 0:04:39with your mate, having a cup of tea,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- you're doing something good.- There's the guys.- There's the Steady Boys.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- There goes the Steady Boys. - Ooo-oooh!- Hi, boys!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Look at them. Look at them.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48LAUGHTER
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Do you want to become an honorary member?- I would love to.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54One is that you've got to be female, but you're not going to meet that.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- Got my feminine side.- The other is your legs. We need to see your legs.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- You have to shave your legs. - Without the socks.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Who's got the waxing kit?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04WOMEN GIGGLE AND SHOUT
0:05:04 > 0:05:05MICHAEL LAUGHS
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Oh, no, no, no, no!
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- Oh, sweet... - Go on.- Let's see.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Oh, jeez, you're not going to wax my leg!
0:05:14 > 0:05:18- Aaaah! Ah-haa! Oh.- One, two...
0:05:18 > 0:05:19WOMEN LAUGH
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Are you ready?
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Ahhh, ya...!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23WOMEN LAUGH
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- Now you can be a member. - Now you're a member.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- IN HIGH VOICE:- Thank you so much!
0:05:28 > 0:05:29WOMEN LAUGH
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Got the freedom of the Steadies now.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I feel the pain of womanhood already.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35WOMEN LAUGH
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- Do you need to get another take? - No, I don't need another take!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41'Clearly, cycling's not just for hairy blokes like me.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44'Steady Ladies, I salute you.'
0:05:44 > 0:05:45Fair do.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48# There ain't much time to say goodbye... #
0:05:48 > 0:05:53This is a gorgeous day. Look at it there. This is a God-given day.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58That is breathtaking. That's as beautiful as any place in the world.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I love women, I think that's a given.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03# It's a given that I love the women! #
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I think it comes from...
0:06:05 > 0:06:08When I was growing up, I had a lot of aunties,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11and they weren't really my aunties, they were my ma's mates.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14So it was my Auntie Kathleen, my Auntie Dora, my Auntie Sarah
0:06:14 > 0:06:17and my ma, and they used to go to Butlin's Mosney.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20And my dad didn't go to Butlin's. He hated it.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22He'd go fishing with Joey Buchanan and that.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25They'd go fishing together to places like this, down to Warrenpoint.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Because all the men were away fishing,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29I was used for the dancing.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32So my Auntie Kathleen would get me out, she was my favourite.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Auntie Kathleen was exotic. She'd make you stand on her feet.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39As my dad would say, "Upholstered to Rolls-Royce specifications."
0:06:39 > 0:06:41HE LAUGHS
0:06:41 > 0:06:44She'd take you round the dance floor, she'd whisper in your ear,
0:06:44 > 0:06:46"Left, right, right, left, left, right."
0:06:46 > 0:06:50I couldn't hear a thing cos I was wedged into her cleavage.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Belfast women are camp.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53I love it.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Just talking like this, you see.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57"Love your hairdo. Is that a hairdo or a scare do?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59"I love what you've done. Love your dress.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02"Has your man noticed the curtains are missing from the caravan?"
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I think maybe in the old days,
0:07:04 > 0:07:08the dancers were just a wee bit looser, you know?
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Someone just spoke, they got a wee whistle at the back of the teeth.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12And of course you would come home
0:07:12 > 0:07:14and you'd go out for a rake of drinks,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16and you'd find yourself falling asleep on the sofa,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18then your ma would wake you,
0:07:18 > 0:07:21and then you thought that she was using the S word on purpose.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23"Morning, son. How you doing? What are you doing lying on the sofa?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25"Why you lying on the sofa for, son?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27"A wee sausage sandwich, son? A wee sausage sandwich?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30"Make you a sausage sandwich and lie on the sofa, son. What about that?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32"I'll bring down a san... Sofa..." "Stop it!"
0:07:32 > 0:07:35"If you've got nothing nice to say about anybody,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37"come and sit beside me."
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Get them socks in the shot there, boy. That makes them tax deductible.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49'With my new aerodynamic right leg,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52'I headed off to Lisburn to meet cycling legend 86-year-old
0:07:52 > 0:07:56'Isobel Woods, a truly inspirational woman who set no less
0:07:56 > 0:07:59'than seven world records for long distance cycling.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03'It was obvious what my first question to her was going to be.'
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- What do you think of my socks, Isobel?- Wonderful, wonderful.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Ooh, see them in the distance well.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- Of all your records, how many are still standing?- Seven.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14The Mizen Head to Fair Head, you done that...
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- 23 hours and two minutes. - Less than a day.- Mm-hmm.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21- You done that in less than a day? - Mm-hmm.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- Yes.- Let me just get that right. You done that in less than a day?
0:08:24 > 0:08:28You couldn't drive that in less than a day. Is that record still going?
0:08:28 > 0:08:32That's the only one that has been broken, in 2007.
0:08:32 > 0:08:38But the course that the girl took who beat it was 18 miles shorter,
0:08:38 > 0:08:43so I didn't really feel too bad about losing it under those conditions.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Not in my eyes, you didn't lose. You didn't lose.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- You're still the record holder as far I'm concerned.- Not really.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50And you did that on a five speed.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52With that ride, you'd have used all five gears, would you have?
0:08:52 > 0:08:57I never really needed the five, I just seemed to stick to three.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- That was just my routine.- You're a beast. You're a beast of a woman.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01SHE LAUGHS
0:09:01 > 0:09:02I'm not. Not at all.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Pushing a steel frame end to end in under a day.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- Yes.- That is just... I'm...
0:09:09 > 0:09:11HE MUMBLES NONSENSICALLY
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Just blown me out of the water, that.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15'Isobel has put her name to two brilliant books
0:09:15 > 0:09:19'on Northern Ireland cycling, Wheels Of Change and Recycled Memories,
0:09:19 > 0:09:22'which features photography from my other hero, Bill Kirk, and some
0:09:22 > 0:09:25'great snaps of Isobel in her prime.'
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- That's you. The wet gear. - Our gear was all woollen.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Our jerseys were woollen. I was doing a 12 hour race. It rained
0:09:32 > 0:09:36from the start till it finished. Solid rain for 12 hours.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- And wet wool.- Very heavy. I had to change clothes
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- four times during that.- Does that bike still exist? Have you got it?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Yes, it's in the Transport Museum. They've done me very well.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51They have the bike exhibited and the big six foot photograph above it.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- My bike's just outside.- Yes.- Could I invite you to have a wee look at it,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- see what you think of it? - Certainly, certainly.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59'Isobel doesn't know we've arranged to have her bike delivered from the
0:09:59 > 0:10:03'museum so she can be reunited with it for this interview.'
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- Is that my bike?- That's your bike.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Very kindly, the Ulster Folk Museum and Transport Museum said...
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- Imagine that.- ..they would let it out.- Yes. Honest to goodness.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- Isn't it beautiful?- A big surprise!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17When you were doing the record-breaking rides,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19what sort of food and drink would you take on?
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Well, I usually made brown bread sandwiches with raisins and honey,
0:10:23 > 0:10:24but the one race that I did want
0:10:24 > 0:10:27a lot of hot tea in was, I did a 24-hour.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28And where was that?
0:10:28 > 0:10:33You had to go from Glengormley up to Cushendall and back and up again
0:10:33 > 0:10:37and back, and then out to Dungannon direction and back, and up.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41You had to sort of go back and forward four times on each road.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44How does it feel, seeing it again after all those years?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Oh, wonderful, wonderful. You just miss,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49you miss what it did for you, you know? Really.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51That weight, with just five gears on,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53you probably only used three gears.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57And you're doing end-to-end of Ireland, road racing,
0:10:57 > 0:11:01winning championships, that are still standing today, a champion.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- A champion, with a champion's bike. Look at that.- You did make my day.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I didn't think I would ever get feeling it again, you know?
0:11:08 > 0:11:12I've found that, you know, you're competing against the weather,
0:11:12 > 0:11:16and so I sort of felt, I'll make friends with the road, you know?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- Yes! - THEY LAUGH
0:11:18 > 0:11:21"Make friends with the road." What a great expression. That's lovely.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Oh, I love it. It's so good!
0:11:29 > 0:11:31If you haven't cycled long distances,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34if you haven't cycled on your own along a country lane,
0:11:34 > 0:11:38then you'll never understand what I'm talking about.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Once it gets into your blood, you'll do this for the rest of your life.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43God willing, you know?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46'When you have as many mountains in this country as we have,
0:11:46 > 0:11:48'it's only a matter of time before somebody decided it would be a
0:11:48 > 0:11:51'great idea to design a course on the side of a really steep one
0:11:51 > 0:11:52'and ride bikes down it.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54'High above Kilbroney Park in the Mournes,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57'there's a new mountain biking centre designed by this man,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00'Glyn O'Brien, fireman and gold-medal winner
0:12:00 > 0:12:03'at the recent World Police and Fire Games, which was staged here.'
0:12:05 > 0:12:08This one's called Mega Mission, and it's littered with man-made features.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Sounds like a nightclub in Ibiza, doesn't it?
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Same sort of clothing, as well.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I hope you've brought a spare pair of pants, have you?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17I have, I'm wearing them as we speak.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19'Clearly not too worried about making me look stupid,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22'Glyn strapped a little camera to my head and tried to test my mettle.'
0:12:22 > 0:12:25This first bit is actually designed to be probably one of
0:12:25 > 0:12:28the most technical features on the trail. It's quite steep.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31There's a lot of big rocks and boulders and things like that.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34It's designed that way so that, if you can get down the first section,
0:12:34 > 0:12:36that you can ride down the rest of the trail quite easily.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39You make that sound like a Christmas present, you know what I mean?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41It is, it's a Christmas present every day.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45If you eat this wee bit of dinner, you'll get a lovely bit of pudding afterwards.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- Yous country boys, huh? - GLYN LAUGHS
0:12:49 > 0:12:52One, two, three four...
0:12:52 > 0:12:54ROCK GUITAR
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I'll go the long way round.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Can anybody come up and go down that?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06The beauty of it is, man, that we've got red and black graded
0:13:06 > 0:13:09trails here, so basically, anybody that wants to try mountain-biking,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12they can come up and have a blast round the easier graded trails.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16And would I call you, and you would come out and I would be taken round?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Yes, pretty much. I think you can handle this part of the trail OK,
0:13:19 > 0:13:21here, but just a few tips before you set off.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Keep your weight towards the back of the bike,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27especially when we get up to speed and it gets quite steep.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30The second one, then, is to look ahead all the time, to give
0:13:30 > 0:13:34yourself plenty of time to react to what's on the trail.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37The third one, then, is just to go as fast as you can and enjoy the ride.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56It's so much more fun, riding off-road, than have to...
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Let's not have a road versus mountain-biking,
0:13:59 > 0:14:00let's not go down that road.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Look at the beautiful views, now, that you get up here.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06I get to shave my legs. I get to shave my legs and wax my armpits.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Do you get many women, or is it nearly all blokes?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12A lot of girls are getting into the sport now.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16It is mostly male, guys, at the weekend, but a lot of girls
0:14:16 > 0:14:19are getting into the sport, and doing the cross-country trails.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20And what about the age groups?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22That's the cool thing about mountain biking.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25There's guys enjoying the sport, and they're literally this height.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27To this, and everything in between.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29All ages. I run a summer camp here as well.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32And we have kids there, five and six years old.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35And then we have guys, 60-plus get out here as well.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38'Fair play to Glyn for helping put Northern Ireland on the map
0:14:38 > 0:14:41'for mountain biking, but I think I'll stick to the open road for now.'
0:14:42 > 0:14:45You've heard of the Hollywood Bowl?
0:14:45 > 0:14:49I feel like I'm performing on the inside of the belly of a whale.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Jonah. Jonah of Jordanstown, huh? Look at that. Look over there.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Belfast Lough. We on the north side of it. I'm 50 years of age, right?
0:14:58 > 0:15:02When I throw my leg over the bike, no matter what mood I'm in,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04if I'm in a bad mood, if I'm depressed,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07if I've had an argument with the missus, I throw my leg over the bike,
0:15:07 > 0:15:08as I'm going along the road,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11I can let the inner spirituality, the inner serenity, come out.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Cycling and serenity go hand in hand, for me. I love it.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I absolutely love it. I'm a complete nutter for it.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19And this cycle path, which is
0:15:19 > 0:15:22part of the National Cycle Route number five.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24It's great, it means I can cycle along, at ease,
0:15:24 > 0:15:27gives me a chance to look at all these commuters going in
0:15:27 > 0:15:29and feel sorry, a wee bit.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Look at all them, going to work.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35And in that car, there's a wee angry man, or a wee angry woman,
0:15:35 > 0:15:39who's doing a job that he hates, and he's just had an argument
0:15:39 > 0:15:43with his spouse back in the house, and the kids won't shut up.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Just getting more and more frustrated with life.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49And all they can smell is their Magic Tree.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51And all they've got for comfort is
0:15:51 > 0:15:54the dulcet tones of some idiot on breakfast radio,
0:15:54 > 0:15:58rabbiting on about somebody from the Moyard, who's just rung in,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01who's found a four-leafed clover at the bottom of his garden,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04and could they play some Chris Rea for us?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06"And I'm going to work and nobody listens to me
0:16:06 > 0:16:10"and I just sit there just punching numbers in on the phone,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13"trying to get somebody to buy double glazing.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15"And I don't even like double glazing!"
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Morning!
0:16:17 > 0:16:21How are you? See? Look at that. I always get a smile off people.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Not me, I'm cycling along the road, song in my heart,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26wind in my hair, dead flies in my teeth.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28'Jordanstown is also home to
0:16:28 > 0:16:31'the Sports Institute of Northern Ireland, where elite athletes
0:16:31 > 0:16:34'and professional sportspeople from all over the world come to
0:16:34 > 0:16:37'train and overcome injury, using cutting-edge fitness technology.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40'Mere mortals like you and me are not usually allowed in,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43'but, luckily, Northern Ireland's world champion cycling star
0:16:43 > 0:16:46'Martyn Irvine is here today, so they've let us in
0:16:46 > 0:16:49'for a wee chat about all sorts of important cycling matters.'
0:16:49 > 0:16:53And as you can see, Martyn's got the classic cycling tan here, look at that.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56And I'm a white man, that is white, compared to a cyclist's tan.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- They must be laughing at you. - I'm anaemic, look.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01They think I'm anaemic, when I go to Europe.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04It's a badge of honour, it's a badge of honour.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07There's people that are going to be watching this now
0:17:07 > 0:17:11and they're going, "He should go into one of those spray-tan places, or something.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15"I know Deirdre, Deirdre'd give you a good hosing down, so she could."
0:17:15 > 0:17:18And there's you there. Who are you actually racing for there?
0:17:18 > 0:17:22That's Northern Ireland, which I get to ride for, once every four years.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23The Commonwealth Games is it,
0:17:23 > 0:17:26because I was born in Northern Ireland, I can ride for them.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29But cycling in Ireland is cycling in Ireland.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32It's seen as one country. That's why I ride for Ireland.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36I just like riding my bike, so I'll ride for anybody that'll take me.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37'Representing Ireland in 2012,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40'Martyn became the first Irish cyclist in over 100 years
0:17:40 > 0:17:43'to win a gold medal at a World Championship.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45'But just four weeks after that achievement,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48'he had a serious crash during a professional race in Taiwan.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51'It was the team at the Sports Institute, led by physio
0:17:51 > 0:17:54'Chris McNicholl, that helped put him back together, and now he's one of
0:17:54 > 0:17:57'our best hopes for a cycling medal at the next Commonwealth Games.'
0:17:57 > 0:17:59The terminology is, he had what you call
0:17:59 > 0:18:01an intertrochanteric fracture of his hip.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02That's why I didn't say it!
0:18:02 > 0:18:06It's just, it's a very unusual injury in a young person.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09So, for an elite cyclist, it's a huge injury.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Believe it or not, I was world champion, four weeks to the day
0:18:13 > 0:18:16on the track, so I went off to Taiwan racing with the road team in Asia.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19And then that's what I got for it.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21It's a humbling experience.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Yes, it brings you back to ground.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Certainly does! It brought you back to ground pretty quick.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29'One of the machines crucial to Martyn's recovery is this bad boy,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32'the anti-gravity treadmill or, to you and me, a running machine
0:18:32 > 0:18:34'that makes you feel like you're jogging on the moon.'
0:18:34 > 0:18:35It was designed by NASA.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38To try and increase the amount of weight-bearing
0:18:38 > 0:18:42- that astronauts have in space. - It's meant to suck you down.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44For bone density, is that it? For astronauts, they would be
0:18:44 > 0:18:47floating around, breaking their bones, and all this.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48It creates gravity.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Now, it's the total opposite. It's like a leaf blower.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55'Well, you know me. Never one to turn down the chance
0:18:55 > 0:18:57'to try on a pair of skin-tight Lycra shorts
0:18:57 > 0:18:59'and go all light on my feet in the name of science.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00'And a cheap laugh, obviously.'
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Take your hands off there, so we just can get your whole mass.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Lifted by the peelers, and my peelers are now airborne.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Oh, I'm up! Feel like Mary Poppins!
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- Getting it, yes.- I'll take you back to earth here, by the way.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23I feel like an old man. Somebody get the brush for us, would you?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26That running malarkey, that's only for chasing sheep down the hill.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Oh, I'm back up again, here we are now, I'm back on the balls of my feet.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Whoa! Ha-ha!
0:19:31 > 0:19:34You can't get out now, I warn you, all right?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Oh! Ha-ha! Are you getting me underneath here, now?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40HE LAUGHS
0:19:42 > 0:19:44I don't want to come down, darling!
0:19:44 > 0:19:45"Work-out ending".
0:19:45 > 0:19:48That's one of the first times in my life that I've felt sad
0:19:48 > 0:19:50when something said, "Work-out ended."
0:19:50 > 0:19:53'I was starting to feel like I was fitting in
0:19:53 > 0:19:55'at this centre for elite sporting excellence.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57'So, no better time to put my own fitness to the test with Lisa,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00'one of the strength and conditioning coaches, who is no stranger to
0:20:00 > 0:20:03'working with athletes like myself.'
0:20:03 > 0:20:04So I pull this bar up?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- You pull this bar up and push into the floor plate.- OK.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10And you're going to strain for six seconds and then, from that, I'll be
0:20:10 > 0:20:13able to tell you how much force you're generating into the plate.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15If you hear a rivet popping,
0:20:15 > 0:20:16you might hear something just falling out.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I'll pick it up. It's all right.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Would you pick it up? Put it in a wee jar for us and I'll get it on the way out.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Three, two, one, go. Keep pulling, keep pulling, keep pulling right up,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28right into the plate, keep going, three, two, one, done.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32So, this is your force, as you're pushing into the plate for that six seconds.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36That looks pretty rubbish, doesn't it? Why are you laughing?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38- About 2,000 Newtons. - You're laughing at me, aren't you?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41So we divide that by your body weight.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44It's not elite, but... it's good for first go.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48So, if we were to try Martyn, we'd probably get a score of 50...
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Well, we'll just see how Martyn does. We'll just see.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Ready? Three, two, one, go.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Go on, go on you! Pull her, boy!
0:20:55 > 0:21:00Pull her, like you're pulling a tractor up a hill!
0:21:00 > 0:21:03About 600 Newtons better than you.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04600 Newtons. That's good.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07What can I buy in a shop with 600 Newtons?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10You could buy a few gold titles, probably!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Aye, aye, good answer. She's got a future!
0:21:12 > 0:21:15'Not only is Martyn great company but he's a very inspiring man, too.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18'And when he wins gold in the next Olympics, I'm hoping
0:21:18 > 0:21:21'this signed team shirt will be worth a few quid on eBay.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24'Seriously, though, I was blown away at the Sports Institute.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27'Pity I couldn't have gone there when I had my own cycling accident.'
0:21:30 > 0:21:34When I was a courier, there was an urban myth that if you go
0:21:34 > 0:21:38onto Oxford Street, or onto the South Bank,
0:21:38 > 0:21:39or onto the Marylebone Road,
0:21:39 > 0:21:44and if you hit the first traffic light at 30mph,
0:21:44 > 0:21:46and kept your bike at a constant 30mph,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49it would be green lights all the way home.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52There's one Friday, we'd all been paid, it was a good week,
0:21:52 > 0:21:55and a whole rake of us met up and went to the pub on Friday night,
0:21:55 > 0:21:56got a good drink into us.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59And I had to be put onto the bike and strapped in,
0:21:59 > 0:22:00and pushed onto Oxford Street.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Now, the thing about riding a bicycle is, you can't ride
0:22:03 > 0:22:07a bicycle drunk, you can't do it slowly, you have to do it at speed.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Now, I'm not making that a serving suggestion.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15This is definitely a cautionary tale. I'm saying, don't do this.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18But, in my head I had a wee voice saying to me, "30mph."
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Hit Oxford Street at speed.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24Got across Oxford Circus and the lights are green.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Put it onto the big ring, and I was off like a young gazelle.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29The next set of traffic lights goes green,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32and I'm up and running now, like la-la-la-la, you know?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I'm feeling like Jack the Biscuit Man,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37I'm feeling like the world is my lobster.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I catch myself in Selfridges' window.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43The yellow jersey flashing past. "Mmm, you look magnifique!"
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Because yeah, I was arrogant enough to think
0:22:46 > 0:22:48I could ride around in a yellow Jersey.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Look back, lamp post, pfft!
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I go over the top like an oven-ready chicken.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Face first, down into the ground, and up into a lamp post.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58That's the last I remember. What I feel is a massive rush of warmth.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01What I see is Close Encounters white light.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04And then I'm out.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I'm coming to, in a hospital bed.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11I'd split my lips in half, smashed my nose, and fractured my skull.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14One side of my face looked like Braveheart.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Broken a bone in the elbow, chipped a bone off my knee.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Got home, and it was then I got into bed beside the missus
0:23:21 > 0:23:24and pulled the duvet over my head. She leant over.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27She pulled back the duvet and looked at me and went, "You stupid..."
0:23:27 > 0:23:29HORNS BLARE
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Right, as you can see, I'm not cycling. I'm in a van.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36And the reason I'm in a van is
0:23:36 > 0:23:38because I'm going to do a 25-mile time trial,
0:23:38 > 0:23:41which I'm going to be taking part in, which is on down in Dungannon.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45A bit nervous, to be honest. Because I've never done a time trial before.
0:23:45 > 0:23:50But, as the old saying goes, fear knocked on the door. Faith answered.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51And there was nobody there. Huh?
0:23:53 > 0:23:56'My life-affirming optimism soon withered when I found myself
0:23:56 > 0:23:59'among some very serious athletes with their game faces on.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03'Organiser Tommy Lamb and his wife Marion brought me up to speed.'
0:24:03 > 0:24:06This is the Ulster Championship, so obviously,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- it's only on once per year.- Today? - Yes, it's the Ulster Championship.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12You never told me that. Today is the Ulster Championship.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14You just said we're just doing a 25-mile time trial.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16You never said it was the Ulster Championship!
0:24:16 > 0:24:20- You're eligible.- I'm not... I'm in the Ulster Championship now!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I thought it was just... I'm going to kill you.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25When you get more serious into cycling,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28it's the dream of every cyclist to break the hour, which is
0:24:28 > 0:24:29obviously 25mph,
0:24:29 > 0:24:34and a lot of these guys today will be under the hour, and well under.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I'm a bit nervous about it, to be honest. How are you feeling?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Are you OK? How do you feel before races? Do you get a bit...?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43A bit nervy, a bit nervous, 25 miles.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45I've never done it in a time trial situation before. So it's a bit...
0:24:45 > 0:24:48So, tell me about this bike here. How long have you been using them?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50When did you have your injury?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52I had my injury in 2001.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Cycling's just, it's a nice sport, it's sort of, out in the fresh air.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- Can I go for a spin on it? - Certainly, yeah.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- Go as low as you can?- Yeah.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06This is great.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Hey-hey! C'mere, you!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Ha-ha! Aye, you thought I'd gone, had you?
0:25:16 > 0:25:20I think, Michael, you can take my place, here.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- It's great fun, but it's work, man, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25How do you think you'll do today? What do you think your time will be?
0:25:25 > 0:25:29- I think maybe about, about 140, or something.- 140?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Maybe, yeah. I think so.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34I'm looking for about the two, two-and-a-half
0:25:34 > 0:25:36mark, for meself.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Think there might be a cappuccino stop or something, for me.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43'Not only is this my first time trial,
0:25:43 > 0:25:46'but I've never cycled on a motorway before.'
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- So, go left?- Yes, straight to the roundabout and back again.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51You'll not get lost.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56Five, four, three, two one, go!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00'I have to say, it was a bit of a shock, to say the least,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02'to see what I'd be sharing the road with.'
0:26:02 > 0:26:03TRAFFIC ROARS
0:26:08 > 0:26:09I hate it already.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13What a lonely...
0:26:13 > 0:26:15horrible...
0:26:15 > 0:26:16pressurised existence.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20There he goes.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I'd like to be happy for them.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24But I'm not.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I tell you that.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I am not smelling the soft country air now.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33I'm smelling blood.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35It's my own.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37It's filling my ears.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38I shouldn't worry about it.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40It's only the Ulster Championships.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43"Oh, aye, let's do a time trial."
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Keep tapping them out.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Keep tapping them out. Keep tapping them out.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Keep tapping them out...
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Unst, unst, unst, tapping them out!
0:26:53 > 0:26:56HE MIMICS CLUB MUSIC BASSLINE
0:26:58 > 0:27:01When we headed off, your man said we can't get lost.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Says head to the roundabout and come back.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07What he didn't tell me was...
0:27:07 > 0:27:08HE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:27:08 > 0:27:10It was Ballygawley roundabout.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Tell you something. It's times like this...
0:27:14 > 0:27:18that you wish you had a welded undercarriage, like an Action Man.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Oh!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24There's your man. Flew past me like I didn't exist.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Not remember me? I was in Luther!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Tyres! Huh?
0:27:29 > 0:27:32I was a zombie in Shaun of the Dead, if you freeze-frame.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Is that of no interest to you? Ah, whatever.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Ai-yi-yah!
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Oh, this hurts, man.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46This really hurts.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52That's me, anyway.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I'm feeling...
0:27:58 > 0:27:59..not good, around here.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02This is really tight.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05One thing's for sure. I'm not a time-triallist.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09And I have the utmost respect for people who are.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12There's more of these heroes coming in now. Go on, you boy, you!
0:28:12 > 0:28:14He had a wee shout, too!
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Ultimately, you know, I'm not built for this game.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19These boys, just, they're beasts.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Lonely, lonely beasts.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Cut it, now. Live to fight another day.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
0:28:32 > 0:28:35You know, I've lived here for four years, and I've never been up here.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38- Why not?- I was too drunk!
0:28:38 > 0:28:41MUSIC: "You Can't Be Told" by Valerie June
0:28:41 > 0:28:44# Won't do right and he can't be told
0:28:44 > 0:28:46# No, he can't be told
0:28:46 > 0:28:48# No, he can't be told
0:28:48 > 0:28:52# Won't do right and he can't be told
0:28:52 > 0:28:54# No, he can't be told
0:28:54 > 0:28:57# No, he can't be told. #