0:00:06 > 0:00:07I'm Michael Smiley -
0:00:07 > 0:00:09comedian, actor, North Down hallion.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12I've done stand-up, I've done drama, I've done film and TV.
0:00:12 > 0:00:16I've done all right for myself. But my true love is cycling.
0:00:16 > 0:00:17And 30 years after leaving home,
0:00:17 > 0:00:19I'm back for a pedal around Northern Ireland.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22This could turn out to be the ride of my life.
0:00:34 > 0:00:39Look at that. Huh? These are the roads you dream about.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41You know, just you on the bike, out on your own.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Just completely empty, feeling you're on top of the world.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I recognise this part.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51I cycled over here about...
0:00:51 > 0:00:5220 years ago,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54when I was just getting into stand-up.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58I needed to make a decision in my life, which way I was going to go.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00To get my head clear, I decided to come home
0:01:00 > 0:01:02because I thought home would give me the answers.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04So I cycled from Dublin to Donegal,
0:01:04 > 0:01:06and across the border...
0:01:06 > 0:01:10I was expecting a proper frontier-type border, you know?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14You know, like a gate coming down,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16and people standing with submachine guns,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19and asking you for identification.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21And I go across to the Southern Irish part of the border,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24and there's an old beat-up Portakabin
0:01:24 > 0:01:27with a guard, with a peaked cap down over his head,
0:01:27 > 0:01:30sleeping with his feet up. I cycle past him.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32And then beside it, down the road...
0:01:32 > 0:01:35was the British border.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37It was completely derelict.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I'm laughing my head off, thinking,
0:01:39 > 0:01:41everybody's going on about the security situation
0:01:41 > 0:01:44in Northern Ireland. I'm laughing so much that when I turn round,
0:01:44 > 0:01:46the bushes come out into the middle of the road
0:01:46 > 0:01:49and ask me for my identification. It's a whole army foot patrol.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Twigs coming out of their heads, their faces all painted up.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Hello, there, how are you doing?
0:01:55 > 0:01:58And I realised, I didn't have a passport on me.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01And I'd brought with me the only identification that would be
0:02:01 > 0:02:03good enough, because my passport was out of date.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06The only identification I had on me...
0:02:06 > 0:02:07was my gun licence.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09HE CHUCKLES
0:02:09 > 0:02:11IN ENGLISH ACCENT: They laughed. I laughed. I'll tell you,
0:02:11 > 0:02:15it was a right old laugh, up on that side road! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Yeah. They didn't laugh much, though.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21'Later, I'll be in the Maiden City for a ride around the walls
0:02:21 > 0:02:22'with a not-so-fair maiden.'
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Last time I was on one of these, my da was holding the back of the seat.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27When was that? A couple of weeks ago?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30High up in the Sperrin Mountains, I'll get a reality check
0:02:30 > 0:02:34with Harps Cycling Club, and Jim Eastwood from The Apprentice.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I'm going to speak too soon, but this is lovely.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39It's long. Brutal, isn't it?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41'And back in Belfast, I'll try out roller racing -
0:02:41 > 0:02:45'cycling for people who don't want to leave the pub.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47'Cycling requires a bit of road-safety awareness,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50'and it's good to start young.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52'I went to Enniskillen Integrated Primary School
0:02:52 > 0:02:54'to brush up on my skills, with some pupils.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56'This place is well used to film crews,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59'having received a visit from Barack Obama and David Cameron.'
0:02:59 > 0:03:01He came in with Obama as well, before me.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Turned up before me, tried to turn these people's heads.
0:03:04 > 0:03:09I have to say, though, they were better looking than you are.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11This can be cut out. SHE LAUGHS
0:03:11 > 0:03:13So tell me about your school. It's an integrated school,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15is it one of the first in Northern Ireland?
0:03:15 > 0:03:19We're not the first, but one of the earliest.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24And we arrived from a sad story. The Enniskillen bomb. Right.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Out of it, Enniskillen Together was a group that was formed,
0:03:27 > 0:03:30and they decided they wanted to establish an integrated school
0:03:30 > 0:03:32from the aftermath of the bomb.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37And we opened our doors in 1989, on this site, to 64 pupils.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41In second-hand, third-hand mobiles. Lovely.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43And here we are, brand-new school building.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45And we can't take any more children.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47All right, now, on my signal,
0:03:47 > 0:03:49you're going to practise your moving off safely...
0:03:49 > 0:03:52I remember doing the Cycling Proficiency Test.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Have you got your test? Well... I did pass it. Are you sure? Yeah.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Have you got your certificate? I've got a badge, a Tufty badge as well.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Oh, but it's changed. Has it? Yeah.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04It's much more difficult. Obviously, with the increase in traffic
0:04:04 > 0:04:07since you would have done it all those years ago...
0:04:07 > 0:04:10She gives, she takes away!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12The increase in traffic and the changes.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14There's a lot more to the Cycling Proficiency
0:04:14 > 0:04:19when you and I did it with Tufty.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21He did. And he looked like that too.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Tufty doesn't come in any more, which is a shame.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27This would be like the introductory that we do to it,
0:04:27 > 0:04:32where the teachers get a feel for
0:04:32 > 0:04:34It's amazing. Children have different levels.
0:04:34 > 0:04:41You think everybody can ride a bike, then you suddenly put them on
0:04:41 > 0:04:44OK, away you go.
0:04:44 > 0:04:50We set it up with cars parked,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I've noticed a lot more traffic in Northern Ireland.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54And towns like Enniskillen...
0:04:54 > 0:04:56or Holywood, we were in,
0:04:56 > 0:05:0011 o'clock, it's tailgates. It's chock-a. So you're seeing people
0:05:00 > 0:05:06really bored, "I want to go here!" They'll pull left without looking.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Good lad.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09I notice that children cycling to and from school
0:05:09 > 0:05:13is becoming less and less.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Did you have a Penny Farthing, or...?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20one of those ones that you did that along the street with.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Hence, the plus-fours. The plus-fours, yeah.
0:05:22 > 0:05:34I had sideburns when I was a kid, as well.
0:05:34 > 0:05:39Left and right. All clear? All clear. So let's go.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42And then, push off. There you go.
0:05:42 > 0:05:47Pull out. Do we stop and give way?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50And we're going right again. Are we going right again, so we indicate?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53You need to signal. Ah-ha. And turn. And turn.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54There's no oncoming traffic.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56You can lift your hand and wave.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Wave to everyone. Hello, everyone. Hi.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01IN POSH ACCENT: We're in the countryside, having a lovely day.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03There's no traffic, the sun's shining.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Smile at the sky. It's a beautiful day.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Where are we going to go from here? We're going round. Going round.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10And you can lift your hand off and wave again.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Can we wave? Hello, children. Hello, children.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16This is your Principal, Mrs Kerr. Isn't she lovely?
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Come on, Smiley, speed up!
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Now, brake slowly, to stop. And...stop.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24CHILDREN CHEER
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Isn't she great? You did very well.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Good control.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34You've been on a bike before today, I suspect. I have.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Do I get a certificate?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38I have one prepared for you here. You've done very well today.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Give him a round of applause, children. Well done.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD Thank you so much.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49It's great when you go to a school
0:06:49 > 0:06:53and you see the connection between the teacher and the pupils
0:06:53 > 0:06:56are a lot more than just teacher and pupil.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57They really care about each other.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Lovely blurred line in all the right ways.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04It wasn't the same when I was a kid. I'm a lot older now, obviously.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07When I was a kid, it was very much 'spare the rod, spoil the child'.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11You'd get strapped, get beaten with a cane.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I know for a fact if I'd told my ma and da
0:07:13 > 0:07:15that I'd got strapped or beat,
0:07:15 > 0:07:19they'd want to know why, and what I'd done to deserve it.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22We had a Dean Of Discipline. Yeah.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26And his job was to deal out discipline. And he was great at it.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30He used to just manifest. Just...pooft! He was there.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31I don't know how he did it.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Amazing psychology, he could be in the right place at the right time.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Or, for us, the wrong place at the wrong time.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40One of the most sinister people I've ever come across in my life.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42But with a lot of charm and charisma as well.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45You'd stand in front of him like that.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Phwar! Pah, pah, pah.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50"Thank you, Father." Walk off.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Yeah, I left school with six O-Levels and a high pain threshold.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56What kind of man would I be
0:07:56 > 0:07:58if I didn't put that threshold
0:07:58 > 0:07:59to the test every now and then?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Up in the stunning Sperrins,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05I joined my favourite Northern Irish Apprentice contestant
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Jedi Jim Eastwood, for an afternoon of cross-country mountain biking,
0:08:08 > 0:08:10with his Harps Cycling Club colleagues.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11We're halfway up the green mile,
0:08:11 > 0:08:13and we'll maybe take you down
0:08:13 > 0:08:15kamikaze at some stage too.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18OK. You know, it's that thing when somebody from Belfast
0:08:18 > 0:08:20comes down into the countryside.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24You just feel, I'm going to be stretched out somewhere
0:08:24 > 0:08:26against my will. I can feel it in my water.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27HE CHUCKLES
0:08:27 > 0:08:30So, Kerry-Ann, how did you get into it, and when did you get into it?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32I got into it a few years back.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I've always liked being outdoors.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I enjoy that you get to see so much,
0:08:36 > 0:08:38and the sport as well, the camaraderie.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Do you compete? Yes, I do.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Mostly mountain biking, but I prefer the endurance events,
0:08:43 > 0:08:45the likes of Da Cooley Thriller.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I'm just back from the Isle Of Man. That's off-road or on-road?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51It's off-road, so this is the best training ground for it here.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Jim, people will recognise you from The Apprentice.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56How's that changed your life?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Lord Sugar, or Shugs, as I call him... Shugs!
0:08:59 > 0:09:02..didn't hire me. That was massively disappointing.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05But I suppose I can say this two years down the line,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08but it allowed me to fast-track some other things I wanted to do.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Work for a big company, and do a bit of charity work,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14and get out on my bike every now and again.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I think I chipped away at him a bit.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18I found his weak spot. He's a cyclist, would you believe?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Ah, Sugar's a cyclist. Yeah, we were talking cycling.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23You can get him over here. Yeah. In the Sperrins.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27I wouldn't dream of telling Lord Sugar to do anything.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30What have I got ahead of me today? Lots of climbing.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Thanks! You're welcome. SHE CHUCKLES
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Beware for Kerry-Ann and Paul saying to you,
0:09:43 > 0:09:47"Oh, it's just up round this corner, we're nearly there." That's a myth.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49They're country miles. I don't listen to country miles.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Don't believe in country miles. "Och, it's just round the corner."
0:09:52 > 0:09:56It IS round the corner. Yeah, you're talking about Mexico, to be fair!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58I'm going to speak too soon, but this is lovely.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01You will hate it, but get an incredible sense of achievement
0:10:01 > 0:10:03when you get to the top. Are you trying to point out
0:10:03 > 0:10:06this is probably the closest I'll come to childbirth? Yeah.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09How long has Harps CC been going?
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Probably 25, 28 years, I think, now. OK.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15How many members do you have?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17We've about 70. 70 members? Yeah. That's a big club.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19We have a good split between road and off-road.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22What about the dangers, how dangerous is it?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24On a scale of one to ten? Aye. Four.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Four? But a country four sounds like a city seven.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Seven-and-a-half. A city seven!
0:10:31 > 0:10:32THEY LAUGH
0:10:35 > 0:10:37It'll be one of those shows at the end where, you know,
0:10:37 > 0:10:41like one of the true stories where it says what the person's doing now.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45It'll say, Smiley never returned to Northern Ireland after filming.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Actually, we don't know where he went!
0:10:48 > 0:10:52You're rocking the socks, anyway. Socking rocking!
0:10:53 > 0:10:55It's the last wee bit. Is that it done?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58No, you go up to that mast. But as I say,
0:10:58 > 0:11:02it's just across here, and then it's road, so it's a lot easier terrain.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11HE PANTS That was...
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Well done, sir. That was fun(!)
0:11:14 > 0:11:16You're not at the top yet.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19This is fun(!) This is fun(!)
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I'll race you.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24THEY LAUGH
0:11:24 > 0:11:26You were going to leave me for dead, you know you were!
0:11:27 > 0:11:30That was great. Wow.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Not when I was doing it, I didn't think it was great.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35But that's the part of cycling I enjoy.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I always seem to enjoy it in retrospect.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40A sense of achievement when you've finished it. Yeah.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43I felt my kneecaps really hurting going up there. But it was good
0:11:43 > 0:11:46because you were amongst everybody. I was taking the cajoling,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49and we were getting up. You didn't have time to think about
0:11:49 > 0:11:51how much pain you were in, really. It was hard, you done great.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Thank you, Kerry-Ann. You made it to the top.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I thought you'd be my worst critic. I was expecting to get
0:11:55 > 0:11:58monstered by you, by the time I came up here. You manned up.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00SHE LAUGHS
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Don't do that. I bruise like a Savanna peach.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Are we racing to this mast?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Because you guys have suddenly upped the pace. No, no.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10It's Kerry-Ann. She's doing that thing that women do.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Raising the bar? No, making us look stupid and ugly.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19That last wee bit's a dinger, isn't it? It is. Well done. Aye, lad.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Did you enjoy it? I really did, I really did.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Kerry-Ann, you've been slabbering on about how much you like my socks...
0:12:25 > 0:12:28so you can have these and wash them. Oh, thank you!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Take them home with my love. SHE LAUGHS
0:12:30 > 0:12:33There you go. I've only had them on for the whole ride.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35You can have them. Thank you so much!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I've very cleverly had a brand-new pair for myself.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41So you can have my old ones, I can have the box-fresh new ones.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44SHE LAUGHS
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Oh, they're sweaty! Aren't they? Yeah. Hot and sweaty.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50They take their socks off and they have six toes!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Well, the views were worth it, but it really took it out of me.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57A few years back, I wouldn't have been able for it, though.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04I've always been a cyclist, so it's a level of fitness.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07But I stopped drinking.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Coming up to three years, stopped drinking.
0:13:10 > 0:13:15And one thing I don't have any more, and I'm grateful for,
0:13:15 > 0:13:20is that I can get up in the morning and I don't have the hangover.
0:13:20 > 0:13:26God, I do not miss hangovers, oh-ho! No way, no way, boy.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31I used to get them bad, that's why I gave it up. It crippled me for days.
0:13:31 > 0:13:37I'd be lying on the sofa like Nosferatu. Welded to the sofa.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40You had to get me off with a pizza shovel,
0:13:40 > 0:13:42and lots of baby lotion.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46I've got to be honest with you, I don't miss the drink either.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I tell you why I don't miss it...
0:13:48 > 0:13:51A few times, you go into the pub,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54and your mates, man!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56God, people don't half talk a lot of rubbish
0:13:56 > 0:13:58when they've had a drink on them.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01And they repeat themselves.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04"All right? Did I tell you about that time...?" "Yeah, you did."
0:14:04 > 0:14:07"No, no, there was a time when... I'm sure I haven't told you..."
0:14:07 > 0:14:10"Yeah, you have told me." "No, I haven't. Why do you keep...?"
0:14:10 > 0:14:12"Well, you've only got four subjects, mate!
0:14:12 > 0:14:16"And you've told me them over and over again.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18"So either pick another subject, or talk to somebody else."
0:14:18 > 0:14:21"Tell you what, you've become very intolerant
0:14:21 > 0:14:23"since you stopped drinking." "Have I?"
0:14:23 > 0:14:26'What's this, Smiley, what's that you're saying?
0:14:26 > 0:14:27'After all this giving up drinks spiel,
0:14:27 > 0:14:29'and you're stopping at a boozer?
0:14:29 > 0:14:30'Out the back is
0:14:30 > 0:14:32'The Shepherd's Rest campsite and my digs for the night,
0:14:32 > 0:14:34'so less of your slabbering, all right?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37'It's an ideal spot for two-wheeled enthusiasts of all stripes.'
0:14:37 > 0:14:40All right, there? THE BIKER GREETS HIM
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Uh-huh...
0:14:42 > 0:14:45For those about to ride, we salute you.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46I'm in love.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48There's a bottle of Buckfast lashed
0:14:48 > 0:14:50to the back of that, so there is.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52They're gorgeous.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Scare the life out of me, like, but they're gorgeous.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56It's like a golf course, so it is.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Small, levelled areas for tents here.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01And cyclists, cyclists use them for jump-offs.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04A wee practice before they go to the Davagh mountain bike track.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Oh, do they? So they come down and have a wee run at it.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Kids use these wee heights for run-offs. Run their bikes off.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13And how does this wee fella like being on the back of a bike?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15He loves it. He usually falls asleep.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19We'd two runs... We bought a seat for the back of it,
0:15:19 > 0:15:21and the first one we bought was an upright,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24and he hated it, because he loves to sleep.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26So we bought that one which reclines. BABY CRIES
0:15:26 > 0:15:29He sleeps, and he's happy out. Oh, look.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31BABY GRIZZLES
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Oh, dear, we're talking about you, not to you!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36One of the things I love about camping,
0:15:36 > 0:15:39and I've always wanted to do, was try it in a camper van.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45And that, my loves, is the Bongo.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Let me have a wee look.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Lift up, you've got your cooker and wash hand basin there.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52This pops up into a bed. This pulls it into a bed.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Japanese. It's brilliant, isn't it? It's like, inside, a bit of origami.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58IN COCKNEY ACCENT: I tell you what we'll do, right?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I'm looking for a monkey for it. If you give me a bull's-eye,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04and we'll have the rest on the trip, know what I'm saying, all right?
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Be nice, it's a family do. HE SNIGGERS
0:16:13 > 0:16:15HE SIGHS
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Right, these things are great.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24One round the neck.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26You can pull it up to here. Keep your face warm.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Australian headband.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Look at me, I'm a pirate.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33IN EXAGGERATED IRISH ACCENT: Old Irish lady!
0:16:33 > 0:16:37You get off the land or, I swear to God, I'll put the dogs on you!
0:16:37 > 0:16:40OLD MAN'S VOICE: I'll beat you with a stick if you come out here again!
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I've got to go now. I'm going to make some buttermilk.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50HE CHANTS
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I'm a Catholic Buddhist.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I've got all the guilt, but I rise above it.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00This morning takes me to Stroke City,
0:17:00 > 0:17:03where Northern Ireland's newest Maritime Museum
0:17:03 > 0:17:05is being developed at Ebrington Barracks.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07My late-father was a submariner after World War II.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10And as I've recently acted in a movie about U-boats, with Jude Law,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I was eager to chat to Peter Campbell, former Commander of
0:17:13 > 0:17:15the NATO Anti-Submarine School,
0:17:15 > 0:17:16and Margaret Edwards.
0:17:16 > 0:17:21You were famous for... was it anti-submarine training?
0:17:21 > 0:17:26After the war, we set up this joint anti-submarine school
0:17:26 > 0:17:28here in Londonderry.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32And we trained NATO ships
0:17:32 > 0:17:37and, sitting outside, the Russians kept a monitoring brief.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40So like a forerunner to The Hunt For Red October?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Very similar to that. Indeed. Great stuff.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Towards the end of the Second World War,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48almost 60 submarines, German U-boats, were surrendered here
0:17:48 > 0:17:53to signify that Germans now were on their last legs.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55So the city was very important because
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Commander...or Admiral Horton actually came here
0:17:59 > 0:18:01to officially receive the surrender of
0:18:01 > 0:18:02that number of U-boats.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03So it was quite significant.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07I've just done a film set on a submarine.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09It's called Black Sea.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12And it was especially poignant for me
0:18:12 > 0:18:15because my father, who's passed on, was a submariner.
0:18:15 > 0:18:20It was a period of his life that I have a bit of a blank about
0:18:20 > 0:18:23because he went and joined the Navy.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25I always assumed that it was his National Service,
0:18:25 > 0:18:29but there was no National Service here. So he was a volunteer.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33He was in a boat that was called the Totem.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Does that ring any bells with you? Very much.
0:18:35 > 0:18:40What was he, a torpedo man, sleeping on the torpedoes?
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Yeah. He said he slept by the torpedoes.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44So he would have been a torpedo man, then, do you think?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46He would have been. They were the guys
0:18:46 > 0:18:48who had to prepare and maintain,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51and there was an awful lot of maintenance had to go into them.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55And then the big moment came when you fired the torpedoes,
0:18:55 > 0:19:00and you then had space... Of course, you had all those torpedoes
0:19:00 > 0:19:02taking up the room, so when you blasted them off,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05you've a bit more space. Yes. Much more room.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09And you could tell a submariner ten paces away by the atmosphere
0:19:09 > 0:19:12of diesel that he carried around, particularly in his shoes.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17The smell of diesel off his shoes? The smell of everything around them.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20It took them a long time to get everything cleaned up
0:19:20 > 0:19:22and returned to normal again.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25So it's not unsurprising that my ma was from the markets area,
0:19:25 > 0:19:29so she would have been used to the smell of offal and fish,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32rotten vegetables. My da must have been like a breath of fresh air!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Of diesel air! THEY LAUGH
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I love Derry. I had some great gigs here in the Delacroix.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41I used to come up here on a Wednesday.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Tuesday was The Empire, in Belfast.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46The Empire people used to shout at you, and you had to fight them
0:19:46 > 0:19:48to get them to shut up so you could do your stuff.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Derry people used to sit in silence with their arms folded,
0:19:51 > 0:19:52going, "Entertain me."
0:19:52 > 0:19:54When I come to Derry, I come back home again,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I remember how beautiful it was,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00and the coincidence that I got into doing stand-up.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I met a man, Stuart. He talked me into being a stand-up.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07I knew I was funny, but I never thought I'd make a living out of it.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10"You should ring up comedy clubs and get open spots,"
0:20:10 > 0:20:12which is unpaid two to three minutes.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15There was a club called the VD Clinic,
0:20:15 > 0:20:16in Belsize Park in London.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20It was on a Sunday night. It was especially for newcomers.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23And the guy said, "We're fully booked this week,
0:20:23 > 0:20:25"but why don't you come down anyway?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27"Just get a lie of the land and see what it's like."
0:20:27 > 0:20:29So I went down with Stuart.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31He came up to me anyway, and he said,
0:20:31 > 0:20:33"What did you say your name was again?" I said, "Smiley."
0:20:33 > 0:20:35He said, "What did I say to you?"
0:20:35 > 0:20:38"You said you were full this week, but come and get a lay of the land,
0:20:38 > 0:20:40"maybe we can book you in for future gigs."
0:20:40 > 0:20:42And he went, "Give me a second."
0:20:42 > 0:20:43He came back and said,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46"You're on first after the break, somebody's dropped out."
0:20:46 > 0:20:52Oh, my days! A certain part of my anatomy was playing the clarinet.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56About four beers and 20 cigarettes later, I'm up on stage.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57I'd never been on stage before.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I could see the spotlight in front of me.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01So I played it like Roy Walker
0:21:01 > 0:21:04and said what I'd seen. I said to the audience, "I'm from Belfast.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06"These spotlights are making me feel homesick!"
0:21:06 > 0:21:08I got a roar of laughter.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10That encouraged me to say some more funny stuff.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12I came off stage, couldn't sleep that night.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Just thought, this is the best feeling in the world,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17the most frightening, exciting feeling in the world,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I want more of it. So, I kept going.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I realised this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25I started doing open spots all over the place,
0:21:25 > 0:21:26getting as many gigs in as I could.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29I went to a competition called So You Think You're Funny?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32A split decision between me and Dylan Moran.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Dylan won it.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37And that was it, I was on my way.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Another comic who's very much on his way is this man, Micky Bartlett,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44a brilliant young comedian who knows his way around the comedy clubs
0:21:44 > 0:21:45in this city.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50Derry, have you got fond memories as a stand-up in Derry?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Yeah, I started here. I was at university in Derry.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55That's when I first started my stand-up career.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57It is quite an arty city.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Because it's away from everywhere else, it's very self-contained.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04So when I started here, I found it easy to start doing stand-up.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06You know yourself when you tell someone you want to be a comedian,
0:22:06 > 0:22:15like your ma and da hit you, "You'll be a welder like your father."
0:22:15 > 0:22:21or are you happy here? I've thought about it,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I've heard that, but I don't know how to work those.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25No, I have thought about it,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28but I think I am a home bird. I do like it here. Yeah.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32People... I don't have to slow down when I'm speaking. Yes.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35In your career, you always visit everywhere twice.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Once on the way up, once on the way down.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39So it's good to be back. MICKY LAUGHS
0:22:39 > 0:22:41What comedian wouldn't want to follow in the footsteps
0:22:41 > 0:22:43of Will Ferrell?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Well, today, Micky and I get our chance... Sort of.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Probably the wealthiest of the lot would be Will Ferrell. Anchorman.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53He turned up for my tour one day,
0:22:53 > 0:22:57he spent quite a long time with me.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00and it's about time myself and the Bartlett learned more
0:23:00 > 0:23:06about the town we know so well.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10I haven't been on one of these since I was a childer...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I do. I'm terrified, to be honest.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15But you're excited, at the same time. I am. Exactly.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Last time I was on one of these, my da was holding the back of my seat.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20When was that, a couple of weeks ago?!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22That's it, boys, it's all ankles.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26Spin those ankles, tap it out.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29This is where the Londoners built their first Town Hall.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31This is the first planned city in Ireland.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34They built the first Town Hall exactly where we're standing
0:23:34 > 0:23:37because, from here, they could see the four gates into the city.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40The gate at the bottom of that street.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42The gate at the top of the street.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44And the gate at the bottom of the street.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50I like the, er, shops. They just call it like it is, as well.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52The Sandwich Company. Meat in a bap!
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Aye. We sell spiders! MICHAEL LAUGHS
0:23:56 > 0:23:59"How do you know?" "There's a few in your window!"
0:23:59 > 0:24:00THEY LAUGH
0:24:02 > 0:24:05See, we're still within Derry's walls.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Do you know, I've lived here for four years and I've never been up here.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Why not? I was too drunk. HE LAUGHS
0:24:12 > 0:24:16This section behind me is where the name "catwalk" originated from.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Oh, right. Catwalk originated from this part of the walls
0:24:18 > 0:24:21because all the better-off people of the city
0:24:21 > 0:24:23used to parade around here in their finery.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25So became the name the Catwalk.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29It's a cat going up the steps... Oh, it's a catwalk. It was a cat.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32That was a cat, that.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35What was interesting, when I started doing these tours 20 years ago,
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I used to describe the wall that we're standing on today as a noose.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Today, I call it a necklace.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Because around these walls, the whole way around the walls,
0:24:43 > 0:24:47on the top of these walls, there used to be 16 ugly-looking gates.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49There's only three sets of them left now.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52They used to be always locked, and only open for special occasions,
0:24:52 > 0:24:53which was marching.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56In my younger years, I called the walls of the city a noose.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57But today, I call them a necklace.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59'Spending time with Martin,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01'I discovered we had something in common.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03'We both got married 30 years ago.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06'Not only that, but both marriages were mixed.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09'I left the country, and Martin stayed.'
0:25:09 > 0:25:12I wouldn't say I chose to stay. I couldn't afford to go. Right.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14And times were very difficult when we got married.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Did you want to leave? Of course I did. Who wouldn't have
0:25:17 > 0:25:19wanted to leave here 30 years ago?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Religion has never been mentioned in our household.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24I have to say, I'd be annoyed when people arrive to the city
0:25:24 > 0:25:26and they think all the Catholics hated all the Protestants
0:25:26 > 0:25:28and all the Protestants hated the Catholics.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30As you know, that certainly hasn't been the case.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32It's only been a very small minority of people
0:25:32 > 0:25:36have been opposed to anything. For me, when I left Northern Ireland,
0:25:36 > 0:25:39I left because I didn't want to be part of this narrow-minded,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41small-town attitude.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I wanted to go and see the big, bad world.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Anybody who stayed behind, to me, were sad and parochial,
0:25:46 > 0:25:48and they could keep it.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52I had a very... I looked down upon people who stayed behind.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54But actually, to go to a new city
0:25:54 > 0:25:57and start a new life, and start off...
0:25:57 > 0:25:58I was homeless, with a child,
0:25:58 > 0:26:00and we built it up to having the life that I have now,
0:26:00 > 0:26:04which is a blessed life. I realise how hard it is to live your life.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08So I can go back on those words and take those words back,
0:26:08 > 0:26:10and say to the people who stayed...
0:26:10 > 0:26:12and led a good life, and led a decent life,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15and brought up their children to lead a decent life,
0:26:15 > 0:26:17and pushed on through hard times,
0:26:17 > 0:26:20to get a good job and keep their houses clean
0:26:20 > 0:26:24and go about their lives as normal, human people, normal citizens.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27They're the ones, for me, who are the heroes as well.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Right... So that was Derry.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Now the last leg to Belfast.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42HE PANTS This is The Glenshane Pass.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46If you think I'm cycling it, you've got another think coming.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49What we need now...
0:26:49 > 0:26:51is a montage.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00# And until the leaves of summer turn to shades of brown
0:27:01 > 0:27:05# I try and I try
0:27:05 > 0:27:08# But, baby, you know that I... #
0:27:10 > 0:27:13'I'm back in Belfast, and tired of being buffeted by the elements.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15'But I just can't stop pedalling.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18'This is White's Tavern, home of Joe Henry's roller-racing nights.'
0:27:18 > 0:27:19I like this. I've never tried it before,
0:27:19 > 0:27:22so I'm a bit apprehensive about it.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24It lends itself to public houses.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26The more people get a few liquors into them,
0:27:26 > 0:27:28the more they want to try it out. Exactly.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31And then there are people sitting at the back,
0:27:31 > 0:27:33not wanting to have a go.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Suddenly, they've had five or six pints,
0:27:35 > 0:27:37they're up there giving it loads.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40It's fairly basic. You get a couple of sets of rollers.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44You get some sensors that hook into some software on the laptop...
0:27:44 > 0:27:46and project it on the wall, and that's it.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50The thing is, you hit 10, 11 seconds at full pelt,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52you start to hurt anyway.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55So 20 seconds is what you've got to beat, to not be on the bottom. OK.
0:27:55 > 0:28:00So, after...three programmes of me cycling all over Northern Ireland,
0:28:00 > 0:28:03sleeping in a Bongo, climbing mountains,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05cycling around with women's cycling clubs,
0:28:05 > 0:28:09I end up, as ever, upstairs in a pub in Belfast,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12with a young buck who's going to teach me a lesson.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Three, two, one.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16CROWD CHEERS THEM ON
0:28:31 > 0:28:33APPLAUSE
0:28:34 > 0:28:37'Well, you can't win them all, but I'll get him next time round.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39'Sure, life's cyclical.'