0:00:02 > 0:00:03We are British.
0:00:03 > 0:00:05Look at us.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08We don't like strange places.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10We don't like new experiences.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13For the first time since we left Manchester,
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Grandpa was getting a little anxious.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16We don't like foreign languages.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19If you don't know what you want in a restaurant,
0:00:19 > 0:00:21just show this up and just point!
0:00:21 > 0:00:24We don't like unfamiliar food...
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Fish and chips, pint of English ale and all the trimmings.
0:00:27 > 0:00:31..unfamiliar surroundings or unfamiliar customs.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37We don't like too much sun, too much heat,
0:00:37 > 0:00:41too much cold or too much anything.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45All we really want is a decent cup of tea.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Deep in our hearts, we know we're not going to get one.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Now the water. Our advice would be don't drink it.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57We're British and we're going abroad.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Welcome to The Great British Foreign Holiday.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Britain.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26This sceptered isle.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30This precious stone set in a silver sea.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Rubbish summers, though.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36But that was when we went on holiday, so we made the most of it.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40Until the '60s, thrilling meant a ride on a donkey.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43And exotic meant a slice of lemon with your fish and chips.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Extreme sports meant going to the beach without a windbreak.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52It was all we wanted, because it was all we knew.
0:01:52 > 0:01:58Dinner at five o'clock, breakfast at nine o'clock, and everything is in the same place as it was last time.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02We'd heard there was somewhere else out there, but we knew it wasn't for us.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06This mythical land of milk and honey had a name.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09It was called... abroad!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11We're off on a holiday journey.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13All that you need is a passport.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Abroad was invented by the Romans.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27They stood on a hill and said, "I wonder what's over there - let's invade it!"
0:02:27 > 0:02:31When they got there, they discovered it was a bit dirty and uncivilised.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34That floor will be all mud!
0:02:34 > 0:02:37It's all mud anyway, Mother, a bit more won't hurt.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41So the Romans rebuilt it, to be as much like home as possible.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Palaces, theatres,
0:02:44 > 0:02:46baths, villas...
0:02:50 > 0:02:53The British picked up this magnificent idea and ran with it.
0:02:53 > 0:02:58Pubs, discos, greasy spoons, high-rises...
0:02:58 > 0:03:00From Bombay to Benidorm, we decided the only way
0:03:00 > 0:03:04to really experience the richness and diversity of the globe
0:03:04 > 0:03:07is to make it as much like Essex as possible.
0:03:09 > 0:03:15That way, like the Romans said, it might be rubbish, but at least we know what we're getting!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18# You what, you what, you what, you what, you what! #
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Here's a thought from 17th-century poet John Milton...
0:03:28 > 0:03:30# You what, you what, you what! #
0:03:30 > 0:03:35Our great grandfathers used to have the time of their lives, often no further from home than up the river.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Romance achieved marvels at Bolters Lock.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Very few in those days thought of going abroad.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45The British are an island race.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50Abroad is really abroad - not just across the border but actually over the horizon.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54It's far away, outlandish, exotic and scary.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Frankly, we're terrified of it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00And why wouldn't we be?
0:04:00 > 0:04:05Throughout history, Brits largely went abroad for two reasons. To kill people...
0:04:07 > 0:04:09..or to get killed.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13If it wasn't the Crusades, it was the Anglo-Dutch War,
0:04:13 > 0:04:18the 100 Years War, the Second Anglo-Dutch War...
0:04:20 > 0:04:23..the War of Jenkins' Ear, the Third Anglo-Dutch War...
0:04:23 > 0:04:28There's loads more. Basically, you really didn't want to go.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Despite this, there were some Brits who went abroad of their own accord.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Explorers, adventurers, pirates.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Then there were pilgrims, who were mad.
0:04:41 > 0:04:47Or aristocrats doing the grand tour, who were also mad from either in-breeding or syphilis.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53That just left us lot - the peasants.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56You couldn't really get time off from being a peasant.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59No. A holiday was half an hour scraping scabs off your leg.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Going to the next village was foreign.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Going 20 miles was the equivalent of going to Madagascar.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10But then, someone came up with the idea of the British Empire,
0:05:10 > 0:05:14and that's when foreign travel really took off.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18All the peasants were given a tin hat and a bayonet and turned into soldiers.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21They were sent off to places like Belgium and the Sudan.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Right up until the end of World War Two, beaches were dangerous places.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30You stormed them, covered them in barbed wire and hoped you wouldn't get your backside shot off.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38But in 1950, all that changed.
0:05:38 > 0:05:44That year some British people sat on a beach and realised no-one was shooting at them.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49The sun was shining, the food was quite nice and the people were friendly.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53They were having something strange and unfamiliar - a nice time.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55A toast to all of us.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59We work all the year round and we deserve champagne.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Then they realised they weren't in Britain, but...
0:06:02 > 0:06:06abroad! And at a stroke, the foreign holiday was born.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10So let's go to another country and enjoy ourselves.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Right... Where are we going to go?
0:06:18 > 0:06:23Shall we go to Spain? Sun, sea, sand and sangria?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Skiing in St Moritz?
0:06:26 > 0:06:30A safari in Senegal?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Surfing in St Lucia?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Damn it! There's too much choice!
0:06:35 > 0:06:37We need some help!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Fortunately, it's all been taken care of.
0:06:40 > 0:06:45We're British and we know our place so like most of our choices, it's all pre-determined.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50Tourism has created a new British Empire.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54If you're upper-class, you go here, here or here.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Unless you have a yacht, in which case you go here.
0:06:58 > 0:07:04If you're middle-class, you go here, here or here.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08If you're working-class, you go here or here.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10And for that, you can thank one man.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16No, not him. That's Thomas Cook.
0:07:16 > 0:07:21He was no slouch. He invented travel agents, excursions and travellers' cheques
0:07:21 > 0:07:24but he didn't come up with a package holiday.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26That was this bloke.
0:07:27 > 0:07:34Vladimir Raitz was born in the Soviet Union and made a fortune sending Brits abroad.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37He figured out that if you chartered your own plane and had somewhere
0:07:37 > 0:07:43to stick people when they got there, you could send them on holiday for half the cost of a scheduled flight.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47His first plane left Britain in May 1950 with 32 passengers.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53They stayed in tents made out of old US Army canvas, drank the local wine -
0:07:53 > 0:07:58the stuff they used to strip paint from German tanks - and ate meat twice a day.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01That might not sound much. I eat meat twice an hour!
0:08:01 > 0:08:05But meat-rationing didn't end in Britain until 1954.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07The whole thing cost 32 quid,
0:08:07 > 0:08:12equivalent in today's money of £650.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16So that's 650 quid for a week in an army base, eating meat!
0:08:23 > 0:08:27For most people, that was still unthinkably expensive.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32They had to content themselves with looking at models of other people's holidays in windows!
0:08:32 > 0:08:35There's no place like home, but there's nothing like
0:08:35 > 0:08:40a rainy, miserable day when you've nothing special to do and nowhere particular to go,
0:08:40 > 0:08:45to make you think of sunny shores and snow-capped mountains and places far away across the horizon.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Perhaps it's the thought of doing something you've never done before,
0:08:49 > 0:08:54of seeing, at least once in your life, places where only the rich folks can afford to go.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57It feeling that gets you on a rainy day
0:08:57 > 0:09:01when you want to find out what the rest of the world looks like.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05But the package-tour idea slowly took off and the price came down.
0:09:07 > 0:09:13By the mid-'60s, abroad was suddenly within people's reach.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17# We're all going on a summer holiday... #
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Before the 1960s, the whole business was insanely complicated.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26You'd get your Thomas Cook international timetable and you'd buy the travel guide,
0:09:26 > 0:09:30figure out how to get from Euston to Paris via Antwerp, Marseilles and Naples,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33book a taxi, a train, a boat,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36another taxi, a ferry, a team of porters with donkeys,
0:09:36 > 0:09:40a cook, a translator and a donkey mechanic.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43All this without the World Wide Web!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46The package-tour boys kicked all that into touch.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51You popped into a travel agent, they spoke to you like a child for 20 minutes, and that was that.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57'The travel adviser was extremely helpful and put my wife at ease right away
0:09:57 > 0:10:03'by answering all the little queries that bother a family putting to sea for the first time.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07'What clothes should we take? How should we set about booking a hotel in Melbourne?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10'And what was the best way of getting from Melbourne to Brisbane?'
0:10:10 > 0:10:15It was now so simple that even Grandpa here could arrange a surprise holiday.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- What's this? - 'Yes...
0:10:28 > 0:10:31'what are you doing about YOUR holiday?'
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- You don't mean?- Yes, I DO mean...
0:10:34 > 0:10:39And this is what we are doing about our holidays and you must choose where we're going to stay.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Well, Spain, of course, Grandpa.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43You know I've always wanted to go to Spain.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Well, Mary and Sue went last year with their mother and father
0:10:46 > 0:10:48with Gaytours, and they had a wonderful time!
0:10:48 > 0:10:52Right, Spain it is. And tomorrow I'm going to book the tickets.
0:10:52 > 0:10:58We decided to go to Tossa De Mar. And grandpa went the following day and booked the holiday.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01A few weeks later he picked up the tickets.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04There was incredibly little to it.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06There was no fuss, no trouble at all.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11The agent told me that the price of the holiday was inclusive and that there would be no extras to pay.
0:11:11 > 0:11:17Gaytours couriers would always be available on our holiday if we needed help or advice.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20As soon as we've recovered from the trauma of deciding where to go
0:11:20 > 0:11:24and booking the trip, we start losing sleep over what to pack.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31And here's some sound advice from journalist Susan Heller...
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Right, let's go!
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Start with the three S's -
0:11:42 > 0:11:45sandals, socks and shorts.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Oh, and shirts!
0:11:48 > 0:11:51# I'm too sexy for my shirt... #
0:11:51 > 0:11:56Take some plastic bags. That is one of the unbreakable rules of travel -
0:11:56 > 0:11:58you have to take some plastic bags.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02No-one knows what for. Maybe there are no plastic bags in Malta.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06You'd think once you've decided what to pack, your nightmare is over.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Don't be ridiculous!
0:12:08 > 0:12:12- You need to know- how- to pack. - Now, look at the way we've done this.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14We've put some toiletries in a plastic bag,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17so these are not going to leak over your clothes.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Look at how these have been packed.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22These have been packed very, very flat, and the main thing
0:12:22 > 0:12:26is to fold them so you don't get sharp creases in the clothes.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30So we've laid them in flat at the bottom of the case
0:12:30 > 0:12:32and then we've put other items on top of them
0:12:32 > 0:12:35so the creases are not quite as sharp.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- Seven pairs of boxer shorts there, Nick.- Thank you very much.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I usually take 12 - one for each month. But, anyway, go on.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Before we had suitcases, we had trunks -
0:12:48 > 0:12:51a massive box carried by servants.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54It had to be big. You were taking everything you owned.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56You were going on the grand tour.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59And according to 18th-century traveller Tobias Smollett,
0:12:59 > 0:13:01you needed, and I quote...
0:13:01 > 0:13:05"Pistols, knives, tinderbox, map,
0:13:05 > 0:13:09"half a dozen shirts capable of withstanding the ferocious treatment
0:13:09 > 0:13:14"of continental washerwomen, one pair of waterproof buckskin breaches and, of course,
0:13:14 > 0:13:20"50 fathoms of waxed string for measuring the height of columns and circumference of pillars in ruins."
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Oh, and some plastic bags.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28The grand tour was the gap year of the 18th century.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32If you were posh, a bit thick and your parents had a few hundred grand to waste,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35you'd head off to the cultural hotspots of Europe
0:13:35 > 0:13:40to learn about stuff like art, architecture and how to kill people in a duel,
0:13:40 > 0:13:44do some wenching and catch syphilis.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48It required a large staff of servants, tutors
0:13:48 > 0:13:51and locals prepared to carry all your stuff over the Alps.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54The grand tourist was deemed a proper English gentleman,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57worldly-wise, pox-ridden and skint.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01He was the ancestor of the modern tourist in every way.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08The important thing to remember when packing
0:14:08 > 0:14:11is that abroad is incredibly dangerous, so best be prepared.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14# Feelin' hot, hot, hot... #
0:14:14 > 0:14:17For starters, take some sunscreen.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- This could be a bit shocking for our audience!- Shocking?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I don't know whether they're ready for this.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Have you had your braces facing the wrong way?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26No, I didn't have my braces on.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Take insect repellent.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32The mosquitoes here are plucky, so bring some of this, too.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36It doesn't bring the swelling down but it does stop you scratching.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Bring this, well, whatever that is.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40It's no good for them. They're sand flies.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42For them, you need some of this.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- It's not perfect, but it helps. - What was that again?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48And of course you must remember to bring a pair of forceps.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Forceps?!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52They're for taking out the spines of sea urchins.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Even then you're not safe! - But the salt water is very good
0:14:55 > 0:14:59for prickly heat and skin rashes. You get a lot of that out here.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02It's the humidity, which is always somewhere around about 90%... Ooh!
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Oh, he's hurt himself! What's he done?
0:15:05 > 0:15:06- Coral.- Coral.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09That can give you very nasty septicaemia, too.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Septicaemia? Ooh!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Oh, pretty fish!
0:15:15 > 0:15:17If you step on the spines of a stone fish,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- you've at least half an hour to live.- Poisonous fish? God!
0:15:20 > 0:15:25Make sure you pack your sandals, or a pair of wellies! Ow!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27You can always kill it before it kills you.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Or get one of the locals to kill it.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35So, having decided what to pack, we could finally leave.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38We can start to relax and enjoy our holiday
0:15:38 > 0:15:42just as soon as we've dealt with the minor inconvenience of getting there!
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Here's a thought about getting there from Mark Twain...
0:15:56 > 0:15:59He, er, didn't invite me back this year.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Whitsun, and the world goes on holiday.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04A well-dressed, orderly world.
0:16:07 > 0:16:13For years, the great problem with travelling abroad by train was the English Channel.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18No matter how much speed you got up through Kent, you just couldn't drive a train across it.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21You had to get on a train, get off a train, get on a boat, throw up,
0:16:21 > 0:16:26get off the boat, get on another train, and you were still nowhere near wherever you wanted to be
0:16:26 > 0:16:31unless it was Calais, or the other Calais - Boulogne - which, let's face it, probably wasn't.
0:16:33 > 0:16:38Until the invention of the aeroplane, if you wanted to leave Britain, you needed a boat.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Our primitive ancestors used dug-out canoes.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Since then we've added layers of sophistication, engineering and design know-how
0:16:45 > 0:16:48to create the cross-channel ferry.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52It differs from the dug-out canoe in several crucial ways.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55It's got lifeboats, a duty-free shop,
0:16:55 > 0:16:59a captain to make you feel like you're on a proper ship,
0:16:59 > 0:17:03and endless amusements to take your mind off the fact that you feel sick.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08It feels like crossing the channel on a washing machine.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12The ferry was briefly knocked off its perch by the hovercraft until
0:17:12 > 0:17:15they realised it couldn't travel in anything more than a gentle breeze.
0:17:15 > 0:17:21It was impossible to go further than the other end of the harbour without everyone on board throwing up.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24It was like crossing the channel in a washing machine!
0:17:27 > 0:17:29The buzz word was hover.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33You sat back to enjoy the hover-view with a nice cup of hover-tea
0:17:33 > 0:17:37and hoped you wouldn't feel hover-sickand need to ask for a hover-bag
0:17:37 > 0:17:42Over the years, there have been many fanciful and downright lunatic ideas
0:17:42 > 0:17:45for getting over this narrow stretch of sea.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Getting over the channel was basically horrible, however you did it.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53What we needed was a bloody great tunnel,
0:17:53 > 0:17:55and in the '90s that's what we got.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03'Her Majesty was to travel in the new Eurostar passenger train
0:18:03 > 0:18:07'along the first land link between Britain and the Continent since the Ice Age.'
0:18:07 > 0:18:10We were joined to the Continent forever.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Or until someone fills it in.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Suddenly, abroad was only half an hour away.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I think it will encourage international travel.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22It will, I suppose, in a few years become commonplace, but today it's very special.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27Tunnels were all very well, but since the dawn of time, mankind's ultimate dream has been to slip
0:18:27 > 0:18:33the bonds of gravity and soar like birds, airborne, unfettered, free.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37In the 20th century, that dream finally became a reality.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Now we have Ryanair.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Come back, gravity - all is forgiven.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49In the 1940s, it took six days to fly from London to Nice,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52with refuelling stops at Brighton, Calais and Paris,
0:18:52 > 0:18:56and a toilet break at a motorway services just outside Lyon.
0:18:57 > 0:19:02'Having taken off into the wind, we turn towards our destination.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11'The captain discusses points of interest on the way.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16'We pass over Littlehampton, the English coast and the Channel, then the French coast.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19'That should give you a good clue as to where we're going.'
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Er... France?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26'This passenger couldn't care less.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30'And here is the end of our journey in sight.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32'But where are we? Amsterdam?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34'No, not flat enough.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36'It's built on the hillside in the form of terraces.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39'Did you say Lisbon?'
0:19:39 > 0:19:40No, I didn't say anything.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44These days you get to choose where you go BEFORE you take off.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48'London. From Heathrow and other airports
0:19:48 > 0:19:54'in the country, millions this year will fly to the Continent for their holidays and even further afield.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56'This is the holiday pattern of the jet age.'
0:20:01 > 0:20:07In the early days, air travel was exclusive and luxurious, mimicking the glamour of the railways -
0:20:07 > 0:20:10the Orient Express, the Flying Scotsman and...
0:20:10 > 0:20:11the other one.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17It was the preserve of the wealthy and sophisticated
0:20:17 > 0:20:20and the pilot even came out to show you where you were going.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Shouldn't he be in the cockpit?
0:20:22 > 0:20:27'You will dine superbly, watch an in-flight movie you choose.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31'You will sample attentive cabin service as BOAC lifts you far across
0:20:31 > 0:20:35'the Atlantic in an atmosphere of quiet and English comfort.'
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Everyone went in first class.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43It was only years later that someone pulled back that little curtain and realised they had 200 empty seats
0:20:43 > 0:20:47back there, and they started letting scum like us on board.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50MUSIC: "The Birdie Song" by The Tweets
0:20:51 > 0:20:56'This is the main disadvantage of flying on a package holiday charter.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00'The seats are closer together because they pack 119 people on these planes
0:21:00 > 0:21:04'compared with 80 or 90 on a regular run by the same aircraft.'
0:21:04 > 0:21:08We shall be serving lunch, sir, in about ten minutes.
0:21:08 > 0:21:13But not if you're in economy. Your meal was actually built into the aircraft at the Boeing factory.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17'Seat-back catering is something you don't find on scheduled flights.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22'It's been heavily criticised for reasons of hygiene and by those who think service
0:21:22 > 0:21:25'to the customer is more important than the tour company's budget.'
0:21:25 > 0:21:29And after you've eaten, perhaps you might fancy a cigarette.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Until the 1980s, it was illegal not to smoke on planes!
0:21:32 > 0:21:36If you were caught in the toilets trying to get a bit of fresh air,
0:21:36 > 0:21:37you'd be arrested on landing!
0:21:37 > 0:21:43Anyway, it's time to extinguish all cigarettes and fasten your seatbelts. We're about to land.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54'Just two hours from London, each day dozens of chartered jets
0:21:54 > 0:21:57'unload their pale-faced passengers at Ibiza Airport.'
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Finally, we're in a foreign country.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Oh, God, it's hot!
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Why's it so hot?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Right, we need to get past the men in uniforms with guns.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Still, it'll be easy.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I'll just wave my British passport at them!
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Before we joined the EU, the British passport was a huge, gold-embossed,
0:22:20 > 0:22:24leather-bound volume designed to send a message to the world.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27That message was... "Look here, Johnny,
0:22:27 > 0:22:31"I'm a subject and close personal friend of Her Majesty the Queen.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33"Mess with me and you'll find yourself in the Tower.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36"Now, hurry along and fetch me a taxi."
0:22:36 > 0:22:38It translates into every other language in the world as,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42"I don't know who this idiot in the sandals thinks he is,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45"but let's strip-search him, anyway."
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Oooh...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51..thank God that's over!
0:22:51 > 0:22:56Exhausted, mentally shattered and physically wrecked. Never mind -
0:22:56 > 0:22:59only a three-hour coach trip and we're on holiday!
0:22:59 > 0:23:01TOOT!
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Sorry, your rooms are not ready.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06In fact, neither is your hotel!
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Which hotel did you book in England?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11The Carousel, just over there!
0:23:11 > 0:23:15- Why are you laughing? - Because we couldn't stay there
0:23:15 > 0:23:19because one of the floors fell in and there was this great crack down the back!
0:23:19 > 0:23:25In the brochure it says it was "Designed by experts, with cheerful bars and lazy sun terraces."
0:23:25 > 0:23:27What went wrong with the Hotel Carousel?
0:23:29 > 0:23:34What was wrong? I don't think nothing went wrong with the Hotel Carousel.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36But you've got a crack through the middle of the hotel.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Well, it's not a crack - it's an expansion join.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44But by no means at all is the holiday
0:23:44 > 0:23:46the same as it's described in the brochure.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48What about mini-golf?
0:23:50 > 0:23:54The only place I think mini-golf could possibly go
0:23:54 > 0:23:57from where we are at the moment now
0:23:57 > 0:24:00is in this assault course that's here.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06As the package boom took hold, Spanish developers went hotel-crazy.
0:24:06 > 0:24:12If you were an elderly, Spanish peasant with a nice sea view from your hacienda, God help you!
0:24:21 > 0:24:25So here we are. Hotel's only half-built, but who cares?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27We're on holiday!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Juste cinq francs.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Sorry, what was that?
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Pardon?
0:24:36 > 0:24:41We realised that somehow we had to communicate with these people.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Three francs worth.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46With this, is that sufficient for those?
0:24:46 > 0:24:50But it was no good. They stubbornly refused to understand English.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- Each, some of each.- Some of each.
0:24:53 > 0:24:59Reluctantly, we decided to meet them halfway - the phrase book was born!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Allio. Allio, si.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05'You could tell, she was really impressed!'
0:25:05 > 0:25:10- Tomorrow, manana, is the first word they learn in Spanish.- No, it isn't.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12The first thing I learned was ...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Donde este el bar?
0:25:14 > 0:25:18Then, later on, these came in handy.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23Tengo la espalda muy quemada del sol.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Puede darme algo que ponerme?
0:25:26 > 0:25:29And towards the end of the holiday...
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Donde este el Consulado Britanico?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Came in handy.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Most of the waiters in the bars only speak enough
0:25:38 > 0:25:42to serve you with a drink. They don't actually speak English.
0:25:42 > 0:25:47Once you deviate from the subject that they're selling to you, they don't understand what you're saying.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Eventually, we resorted to this.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54It turns out the universal language isn't love - it's pictures of crabs!
0:25:54 > 0:25:57If you don't know what you want in a restaurant,
0:25:57 > 0:26:00just show this up and just point to the appropriate thing.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04- This always assumes the waiter is quite intelligent.- Aubergine, yeah.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08- And they should understand what you want.- That's probably very good.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13After a few years of this, we found the perfect solution to dealing with the locals.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17We brought our own locals, in the form of holiday reps.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22They were like the natives - friendly, knowledgeable,
0:26:22 > 0:26:24sexually-liberated,
0:26:24 > 0:26:28but called Pat or Simon, not Fernando or Azouz.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Welcome to our little island of Ibiza.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36I'd like to introduce myself and my name is Pat.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38We thought they were our friends.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42We were nervous, and they smiled at us and spoke English.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45They were in uniform - we always liked that.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Right, at last we can get on with our holiday.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I'll just... I'll just nip to the loo.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56All aspects of going abroad make the British anxious,
0:26:56 > 0:27:00and nothing makes the British more anxious than toilets!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Combine the two, and it's like an anxiety bomb.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07'Standards vary enormously, but they're often very basic,
0:27:07 > 0:27:10'a hole-in-the-ground type.
0:27:10 > 0:27:15'And you have to usually pay about 5 pence before you enter to the person in the booth outside.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18'Don't forget to wait for your ration of toilet paper.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21'It's not a bad idea to carry some spare in case of emergency.'
0:27:21 > 0:27:27Anyway, let's try and relax and get in the holiday mood.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40The sun is shining, everything is beautiful.
0:27:40 > 0:27:47We're a million miles from the daily grind of our miserable lives and the world is fresh and new,
0:27:47 > 0:27:52full of pleasure and promise of the simple joy of being alive.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Right, to hell with that! I'm bored!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Let's have some fun!
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Hang on. We've been here for hours and we haven't been to the beach.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Are we mad? Come on!
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Grab the two towels, the hat, the straw beach mats,
0:28:27 > 0:28:31the factor 10, 15, 25, 40, 60...
0:28:33 > 0:28:36..sunglasses, lilo, plastic bag for wet stuff...
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Oh, that's what they're for!
0:28:38 > 0:28:42..camera, book, radio, another hat,
0:28:42 > 0:28:45a bottle of water, snacks, icebox.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Right, we're ready!
0:28:54 > 0:28:58'The call of the sun - irresistible!
0:29:00 > 0:29:06'What an age it seems since we were all happy to go to the nearest seaside place and sit on the pier.'
0:29:06 > 0:29:08The beach is the edge of the world.
0:29:08 > 0:29:12Normal rules don't apply on the sand.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Inhibitions shed.
0:29:15 > 0:29:21Society's rules are abandoned and a dizzying sense of freedom takes hold.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24MUSIC: "Mr Blue Sky" by Electric Light Orchestra
0:29:53 > 0:29:57Wait a minute! None of these people are British.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59We're over there.
0:29:59 > 0:30:03We are now playing for big prizes!
0:30:26 > 0:30:30Let's face it, we're not the best at enjoying ourselves.
0:30:30 > 0:30:35The idea of losing our inhibitions makes us feel a bit awkward and unhappy.
0:30:35 > 0:30:39Given the opportunity for raucous, madcap fun, this is what WE do.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46The pedalo was originally designed to emulate
0:30:46 > 0:30:50the comfort and manoeuvrability of a World War Two landing craft.
0:30:50 > 0:30:55Actually, it would be more fun if you were being strafed with machine-gun fire while driving it!
0:30:55 > 0:31:02Gradually, gingerly, we put down our newspapers and began to join in!
0:31:02 > 0:31:07The Continentals simply kept up the pressure so we were worn down and agreed to have some fun.
0:31:07 > 0:31:08THEY CHEER
0:31:09 > 0:31:14But then, much to our surprise, we discovered we had THESE...
0:31:33 > 0:31:36Suddenly, Britain had baps,
0:31:36 > 0:31:39and was getting them out all over the Mediterranean.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41Maggie, tell me what happened to you?
0:31:41 > 0:31:45Well last year we went on holiday to Corfu
0:31:45 > 0:31:48and everyone was topless there
0:31:48 > 0:31:51and Paul asked me, just for a bet,
0:31:51 > 0:31:57he bet me that for £10 if I dare take the top of my bikini off.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00And it's something I'd never done before,
0:32:00 > 0:32:02so just on impulse, you know, I did,
0:32:02 > 0:32:05because I thought I'll shock him, you know,
0:32:05 > 0:32:10I'll get £10 out of him! And it felt so good to be like that,
0:32:10 > 0:32:13you know, I never put it back on the whole time that we were there.
0:32:13 > 0:32:17This poor lad is slowly realising what his first day back at school is going to be like.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20"Hey, Danny, we saw your mum on telly!"
0:32:20 > 0:32:22No-o-o-o-o-o!
0:32:24 > 0:32:27Here's a top travel tip from Rudyard Kipling...
0:32:35 > 0:32:40Right, lunchtime, what's on offer back in the hotel?
0:32:40 > 0:32:44No fear of Spanish Tummy with roast beef, liver and onions with chips.
0:32:44 > 0:32:49The food in the hotel made the food on the plane taste like Gordon Ramsay's Christmas dinner.
0:32:49 > 0:32:54It took us a long time to twig that none of the people who worked in the kitchens ate this rubbish.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57They went a hundred yards down the road and had something fabulous.
0:32:57 > 0:33:03'Here, as everywhere in this part of Italy, the preparation of food is a worthy end in itself.
0:33:03 > 0:33:08'An art lovingly and critically appreciated by cook and customer alike.'
0:33:08 > 0:33:12Eventually, under cover of darkness and after checking our insurance,
0:33:12 > 0:33:16we followed the locals, and our world changed.
0:33:33 > 0:33:38'Keith and Ann decide to try a local speciality - calamari, or squid.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41'Mmm, delicious!'
0:33:41 > 0:33:46Keith and Ann thought you couldn't get better than a nice shepherd's pie.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48Oh, yes, you can!
0:33:48 > 0:33:53Squid, sea urchin, spider crab, wild boar, stingray...
0:33:53 > 0:33:56We'd only seen these in zoos, not on plates,
0:33:56 > 0:33:59but it turned out these animals were not dangerous.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01They were delicious!
0:34:04 > 0:34:06Even the bread was nice!
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Bread, nice!
0:34:08 > 0:34:11What kind of world had we stumbled upon?
0:34:11 > 0:34:13We even ate al fresco.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16Until we went on holiday, the only reason we ate outdoors
0:34:16 > 0:34:19was if we were working on a building site,
0:34:19 > 0:34:22we'd lost our keys or we'd forgotten it was Britain and had a picnic.
0:34:22 > 0:34:27But here, everyone ate outdoors, and they enjoyed it!
0:34:27 > 0:34:32And they drank coffee, which is just as well, as you couldn't get a decent cup of tea.
0:34:32 > 0:34:33God knows, we tried!
0:34:33 > 0:34:39'We were very struck with these rules and straightaway I put the hotel to the test by asking for a cup of tea.'
0:35:00 > 0:35:04'However exotic your surroundings, there is always time on your holiday
0:35:04 > 0:35:09'for the one thing the English never like to be long without - a cup of tea.'
0:35:10 > 0:35:14If there's one thing we can show the rest of the world how to do
0:35:14 > 0:35:19with style, elegance and the kind of louche, carefree joviality that has made the British tourist
0:35:19 > 0:35:23so respected and admired around the world, it's drink.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36THEY CHANT
0:35:38 > 0:35:41When we're on holiday, we like a drink.
0:35:41 > 0:35:45As far as I'm concerned, well, it wouldn't be a holiday without a drink.
0:35:45 > 0:35:51Whether it's tequila or Tuscan wine, we sniff out whatever the locals sip, buy it by the bucket-load
0:35:51 > 0:35:54and binge-drink like the world's about to end.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57Well, literally, we just drink as much as we can
0:35:57 > 0:36:02and it depends on where we go, and we just thoroughly ourselves.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08After a few bucketfuls of lager, ouzo, grappa, retsina,
0:36:08 > 0:36:13Pernod and an absinthe chaser, we're in the mood to party.
0:36:13 > 0:36:15# Let's all do the conga Let's all do the conga
0:36:15 > 0:36:19# Na, na, na, nah Na, na, na, nah
0:36:19 > 0:36:22# Let's all do the conga Let's all do the conga... #
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Let's go to a discotheque!
0:36:25 > 0:36:28MUSIC: "I Feel Love" by Donna Summer
0:36:33 > 0:36:36'It's a very touristy place, and very commercialised.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39'I don't really think I'm in another country.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42'We don't see much of the real Spain, but I enjoy the discos.
0:36:42 > 0:36:46'You just go into a pub, and there's disco music and you just get up and dance.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48'It's not like that at home.'
0:36:48 > 0:36:51I should think not. You'd get in the way of the dartboard!
0:36:55 > 0:37:00Then we wake up the next morning and find the world has ended. Ooh!
0:37:00 > 0:37:05That's also when we find that the local cuisine has its limitations.
0:37:05 > 0:37:10It might be good at the end of the day, but at breakfast time, it just doesn't cut the mustard.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13I miss my morning breakfast - eggs and bacon.
0:37:13 > 0:37:17I like my rolls but you get a roll here but that's only like...
0:37:17 > 0:37:21- what do you call it?- We don't want hard-boiled eggs and honey.
0:37:21 > 0:37:26We don't want yoghurt, croissants, dates or fish.
0:37:28 > 0:37:34We need fried eggs, we need bacon and... Oh, to hell with it - another lager, then.
0:37:34 > 0:37:38Between the '60s and the '80s, three out of every five flights
0:37:38 > 0:37:40from the UK was heading for the Spanish coast,
0:37:40 > 0:37:44and one of them was full of eggs and bacon.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46British tourists ate their own bodyweight
0:37:46 > 0:37:50in fat every morning for two weeks then got straight down the beach.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53MUSIC: "Agadoo" by Black Lace
0:37:59 > 0:38:02Breakfast, beach, bar, bed.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04Breakfast, beach, bar, bed.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07Bar, beach, bed.
0:38:07 > 0:38:11Breakfast, bar, bed.
0:38:11 > 0:38:16Bar...bar...bar... bed.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19And after, oh, about five days of this,
0:38:19 > 0:38:23we're feeling a bit empty inside, a bit guilty.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26Perhaps we had better do something cultural.
0:38:30 > 0:38:36Our mates, the holiday reps, were waiting for this moment to pounce and sell us some excursions.
0:38:36 > 0:38:40Apparently, there are two five o'clocks in the day, and one of them is in the morning,
0:38:40 > 0:38:45and that's when the coach leaves to go to that monastery/amphitheatre/vineyard.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48Whatever it is, it's good for us.
0:38:48 > 0:38:52Well, it'll absorb some of the shame so we can get on with the drinking!
0:38:52 > 0:38:56'Today our hostess has organised a coach trip to the Dolomites,
0:38:56 > 0:38:58'the mountains just across the Italian frontier.
0:39:01 > 0:39:07'And so we set off in a comfortable coach, passing by a constant panorama of chalets and mountains.
0:39:09 > 0:39:12'The observation coach offers excellent views.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15'In fact, it's difficult to know which side to look for the best.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17'The coach driver knows every inch of the way
0:39:17 > 0:39:21'and soon we reach a small town just beyond the Italian frontier.'
0:39:23 > 0:39:26Ever since the days of the grand tour, poking around some ruins
0:39:26 > 0:39:30has been an essential activity for the British on holiday.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32This is the Sphinx -
0:39:32 > 0:39:35the guardian of the sacred enclosure of the second pyramid,
0:39:35 > 0:39:37and is the most celebrated monument here.
0:39:37 > 0:39:43And if there's a saint or a pharaoh named after them, you can charge what you like! We're in!
0:39:49 > 0:39:54Oh, and don't worry - if you get tired, you can pay the locals to enjoy the culture for you!
0:39:54 > 0:39:561, 2, 3!
0:39:57 > 0:40:00You don't get that at Stonehenge!
0:40:00 > 0:40:02They're very clever, those people, you know.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05That's their business, you know.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10- I won!- I lost. - Bravo, bravo!
0:40:13 > 0:40:17Churches are always good for trowelling on the guilt.
0:40:17 > 0:40:21You'll walk out with five postcards, a couple of candles, some brass rubbings and a pewter model
0:40:21 > 0:40:25of St Barnabus's right knee, the one he knelt on the leper with, you know.
0:40:25 > 0:40:2735 Euros, thank you.
0:40:33 > 0:40:38As if the peasants don't have enough to do all day in the fields, they have to dance for us, too!
0:40:40 > 0:40:42We feel we're getting a bit more culture.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45They seem to be enjoying themselves.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51That's because they own the venue and we're drinking a lot.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00Also, they're safe in the knowledge that in 20 minutes time,
0:41:00 > 0:41:05they'll be watching the semi-final of the X-Factor on their 42-inch flat-screen. We get their culture -
0:41:05 > 0:41:08they get our pop culture. Fair swap!
0:41:11 > 0:41:14These peasants, I tell you, they work hard!
0:41:14 > 0:41:17They've got to get up the next morning to flog us all their
0:41:17 > 0:41:20old bits and bobs ooh, I'm sorry, handicrafts.
0:41:20 > 0:41:25We've got to bring something home, haven't we, other than hotel towels and peeling skin.
0:41:25 > 0:41:29The local market provides us with the perfect opportunity. Hee-hee, look at that!
0:41:29 > 0:41:32ARCHIVE: Most Spanish towns have their flea markets, called
0:41:32 > 0:41:37rastros and this one, in Palma, is as colourful as any.
0:41:38 > 0:41:44This rastro has been held every Saturday morning for as long as anyone can remember.
0:41:44 > 0:41:50It brings two sides of the island together, as tourists and traders mingle.
0:41:50 > 0:41:57With their children safely in the hands of a Vista Jet nanny, Keith and Ann have plenty of time to browse...
0:42:01 > 0:42:04..even if some were made last week.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09Still, there's always a taker...
0:42:09 > 0:42:12and a loser.
0:42:12 > 0:42:15Oh, well, it'll do for Aunt Edna.
0:42:15 > 0:42:18It looks like Keith would rather be back home doing his milk round!
0:42:21 > 0:42:23'Was it a bargain?
0:42:23 > 0:42:25'Obviously!'
0:42:25 > 0:42:27Have a bit of foresight when buying.
0:42:27 > 0:42:30Will we have enough space in the loft for that?
0:42:30 > 0:42:34And another thing Brits like to buy on holiday are ridiculous hats.
0:42:38 > 0:42:42'What a surprise it turned out to be.
0:42:42 > 0:42:46'I knew at last that Grandpa was really enjoying his holiday.'
0:43:03 > 0:43:09'Aboard our ship, they compete for the prize given to the one with the most inventive turn of mind,
0:43:09 > 0:43:11'the best-decorated hat made up from anything
0:43:11 > 0:43:16'they can find lying around on deck, in the restaurants or in the cabins.
0:43:16 > 0:43:23'The winner always wins, but if she hadn't won, she would have eaten her hat but the judge decided to.'
0:43:23 > 0:43:27But what do we do when there's no price tag?
0:43:27 > 0:43:29We're British! We panic!
0:43:29 > 0:43:31'Come to the old city. Learn how to haggle.
0:43:31 > 0:43:34'It's he customer's right and the salesman's duty.
0:43:34 > 0:43:39'It make take hours to strike a bargain, but haggling is the custom of ages.'
0:43:39 > 0:43:42Haggling might be the custom of the ages, but we're scared of it!
0:43:42 > 0:43:48There are a few hawkers around here that you will come across. You are fair game outside the coach.
0:43:48 > 0:43:52If you don't want to buy anything, don't look at them in the eyes, OK?
0:43:52 > 0:43:57If you're actually too scared to look the locals in the eyes, maybe you should have gone somewhere else!
0:44:05 > 0:44:09But other types of holiday experience are available. Really?
0:44:09 > 0:44:15Yes, if you are a middle-class Brit you feel vaguely guilty all the time about the environment, about having
0:44:15 > 0:44:21all the nice houses, about sending your kids to public school, about everything, really, especially
0:44:21 > 0:44:25if you're ever enjoying yourself, you feel really guilty about that.
0:44:25 > 0:44:30Hey, don't worry, there's plenty of holidays tailored to take all the fun out for you!
0:44:30 > 0:44:35You just pretend you're learning something, improving yourself, getting fitter, whatever.
0:44:35 > 0:44:39It might be bird-watching, yoga or bread-making,
0:44:39 > 0:44:42maybe a spot of archaeology, sculpture in your hotel room.
0:44:45 > 0:44:49And if you wanted to experience what it's like to walk around with no clothes on, you could
0:44:49 > 0:44:50walk around with no clothes on!
0:44:55 > 0:44:57Oh, they are travelling light!
0:45:05 > 0:45:09When you come to Estepona, you're going to find sun and if it an all-over tan you're after, you
0:45:09 > 0:45:12could do no better than to head for the only nudist beach on the entire
0:45:12 > 0:45:19Costa Del Sol, and when you're here, be prepared to strip off and enjoy it - that's what it's all about!
0:45:23 > 0:45:28But if you like wearing lots and lots of clothes, maybe this is more your thing.
0:45:28 > 0:45:31Skiing was the original activity holiday.
0:45:31 > 0:45:35The well-off daddy of upstart children like scuba-diving or bungee-jumping.
0:45:35 > 0:45:39Skiing used to be the preserve of the posh people. How posh?
0:45:39 > 0:45:41Very!
0:45:41 > 0:45:44Because they owned all the mountains, and most of the snow.
0:45:44 > 0:45:48I've been here as often as I've been able to, ever since I was 12 years old.
0:45:48 > 0:45:51It was like Mayfair-on-ice!
0:45:51 > 0:45:54How very kind the people were and how very, very helpful.
0:45:54 > 0:45:58It rather reminded me of during the war in England.
0:45:58 > 0:46:02Then, gradually, some people who were just plain posh came along.
0:46:02 > 0:46:05One of the most spectacular parts of Switzerland.
0:46:05 > 0:46:0750 minutes later I could see St Moritz,
0:46:07 > 0:46:13where I was going to meet the young Swiss ski instructor I first knew in London when he was studying English.
0:46:13 > 0:46:15Ooh!
0:46:15 > 0:46:17There he is! Simon!
0:46:19 > 0:46:23I could hardly believe my ears when the pilot said we were going to land on the lake.
0:46:23 > 0:46:26I hope it's frozen hard enough!
0:46:27 > 0:46:33The very posh didn't like this - standards were slipping.
0:46:33 > 0:46:36They were right! Soon enough, the package holiday rabble were in on
0:46:36 > 0:46:40the act, and the whole thing went to hell in a handcart!
0:46:40 > 0:46:43# Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way
0:46:43 > 0:46:47# Oh what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh! #
0:46:47 > 0:46:49Oh, my God!
0:46:49 > 0:46:50Done it!
0:47:03 > 0:47:04Woah!
0:47:04 > 0:47:05LAUGHTER
0:47:05 > 0:47:09The very posh people didn't like all the commoners on the mountains,
0:47:09 > 0:47:12so they bought islands and sloped off to the Caribbean.
0:47:12 > 0:47:14Many thanks. See you later, goodbye.
0:47:14 > 0:47:19But if you found all this luxury a bit daunting, there was no need to worry.
0:47:20 > 0:47:23You could always go camping!
0:47:25 > 0:47:29Camping was like going on holiday but without the pleasure.
0:47:29 > 0:47:35The British section of the Colombier campsite, in the South of France.
0:47:35 > 0:47:39Now, the campers did not have to bring these tents or any of the equipment in them.
0:47:39 > 0:47:41They didn't even have the bother of putting up the tents.
0:47:41 > 0:47:45It was all here, ready and waiting, when they arrived from Britain.
0:47:45 > 0:47:50Never mind expansion joints in your hotel - this is what you'd
0:47:50 > 0:47:53stay in if the entire resort had been destroyed in an earthquake.
0:47:53 > 0:47:56Still, at least the toilets have seats.
0:47:56 > 0:47:59Even wilful discomfort has its limits!
0:47:59 > 0:48:05That's what's always said holiday to me - hot fat splashing on bare skin!
0:48:05 > 0:48:08I just rub it in and call it factor 5!
0:48:08 > 0:48:13Camping is many things - cheap, practical, cheap...
0:48:13 > 0:48:18and cheap, but what it's not is sexy.
0:48:18 > 0:48:22If it's romance you're after, there are much better places to look.
0:48:27 > 0:48:29Such as...the Love Boat!
0:48:29 > 0:48:35Cruising usually means the chance of meeting someone new, even, who knows,
0:48:35 > 0:48:37someone you might marry.
0:48:37 > 0:48:39But anyhow, I think
0:48:39 > 0:48:45of course I would have married her, but she found out my age when she got hold of my passport.
0:48:45 > 0:48:48- How about the men? How have you found them?- The men?
0:48:48 > 0:48:51Yes, that's a good question.
0:48:51 > 0:48:54Pretty damn awful, on the whole.
0:48:54 > 0:48:56She's a good-looker,
0:48:56 > 0:48:59and she goes on and she's got plenty of money.
0:48:59 > 0:49:03Her father left her £22,000.
0:49:03 > 0:49:07Some men are all right. There are a few dirty old men.
0:49:07 > 0:49:10One picks them out easily and quickly and disposes of them.
0:49:10 > 0:49:12What sort of chap is she looking for, do you know?
0:49:14 > 0:49:18- Did she tell you?- I think she wants a younger man. She wants someone with
0:49:18 > 0:49:25a bit of go. An athlete sort of fellow, you know,
0:49:25 > 0:49:27that will do a little gymnast sort of thing.
0:49:27 > 0:49:30She wants somebody like... She's very good herself.
0:49:30 > 0:49:32She's a bit of a gymnast herself.
0:49:32 > 0:49:37She can get on the floor and twist herself over.
0:49:38 > 0:49:41All this, and 22,000 too?
0:49:41 > 0:49:45I'm not sure if I'm feeling lovesick or seasick!
0:49:45 > 0:49:48Let's get back on dry land!
0:49:48 > 0:49:53Holidays mean exotic places and romance is always in the air.
0:49:53 > 0:49:59In a glamorous place like this, romance can be very hard to resist, and it can change your life.
0:49:59 > 0:50:04Well, I was in Spain on holiday, I was divorced, had three children, I was 36 years old.
0:50:04 > 0:50:09I think I've been just one of life's many frogs, hoping desperately that
0:50:09 > 0:50:13one day I would find a handsome prince to kiss me and
0:50:13 > 0:50:20turn me into a beautiful princess and in fact, when David came along, that's exactly what happened!
0:50:22 > 0:50:27But if you're older than 17, and you're younger than 31, all this could be yours.
0:50:29 > 0:50:34It was called Club 18/30, but it wasn't a club at all - it was a travel company.
0:50:34 > 0:50:37They just put the word club in front to make people think
0:50:37 > 0:50:42they were getting something special and exclusive, which is precisely the opposite of what they got.
0:50:42 > 0:50:47Club 18/30 became notorious for its sex games.
0:50:47 > 0:50:50These were basically traditional, innocent beach pastimes,
0:50:50 > 0:50:55only without the innocence, or the tradition, or sometimes the beach.
0:50:55 > 0:50:57It's pretty promiscuous over here.
0:50:57 > 0:51:01Well, it's promiscuous in a lot of places in Spain, but Majorca more than anywhere.
0:51:01 > 0:51:03I mean everything you read in the magazines, well, believe it!
0:51:08 > 0:51:11It's around there somewhere, mate!
0:51:11 > 0:51:14Here's a thought from Shakespeare about romance -
0:51:19 > 0:51:22And he never even went to Magaluf!
0:51:24 > 0:51:30When you turn 31, all the fun stops and you have to wait 20 years before it starts again.
0:51:33 > 0:51:37ARCHIVE: Tango 506 was carrying some of the first of the 30,000 British old age
0:51:37 > 0:51:41pensioners who have chosen to spend part of the winter in Spain.
0:51:45 > 0:51:53That was in the '70s. These days, thousands more British nanas spend their British pensions in the Med.
0:51:53 > 0:51:59Loads of them travel with an outfit called Social Amenities for the Golden Age, otherwise known as...
0:51:59 > 0:52:01"Sex And Games For The Aged!"
0:52:04 > 0:52:09One of the latest ones is "Send All Geriatrics Abroad."
0:52:09 > 0:52:12Yeah, yeah, we get it, mate. It's SAGA.
0:52:12 > 0:52:16One I heard last winter was "Start At Gatwick Airport."
0:52:20 > 0:52:22They call it the grey pound.
0:52:22 > 0:52:26It's worth as much as a normal pound except that it comes in coppers.
0:52:26 > 0:52:29They spend it on gin, or tonic, or both.
0:52:31 > 0:52:34It's cheaper than living in freezing England.
0:52:34 > 0:52:36Do you really think it is cheaper in the long run?
0:52:36 > 0:52:39Oh definitely! If you come for a long holiday, definitely!
0:52:39 > 0:52:45You've no heating bills, you're warm, you're fed, you're looked after, and you have a lazy life!
0:52:48 > 0:52:51Some of them like it so much, they tear up their return ticket,
0:52:51 > 0:52:56cancel the milk, have the post redirected and end up staying.
0:52:59 > 0:53:01BAGPIPES PLAY
0:53:01 > 0:53:06What is so nice about the British ex-pat is the way they really blend in with the locals.
0:53:11 > 0:53:15What makes life in Malta different from life in England?
0:53:15 > 0:53:19Well the best thing is the sixpenny tax, really!
0:53:19 > 0:53:21That's what I'm here for!
0:53:21 > 0:53:27Well I think there's the freedom, the sunshine and the chance of doing the things you want to do
0:53:27 > 0:53:33on a limited income instead of having to work darn hard to do
0:53:33 > 0:53:36the same things in England with a fortnight or three weeks' holiday.
0:53:36 > 0:53:38Ready, one, two, three!
0:53:39 > 0:53:40Hey, hey!
0:53:44 > 0:53:47So I find, of course, that I can live out here on very
0:53:47 > 0:53:52small means indeed, quite happily, no fuss at all, very friendly people.
0:53:52 > 0:53:57I'm Irish and I find the Maltese are extraordinarily like the Irish in some ways -
0:53:57 > 0:54:00they have damn nice manners, they're very friendly, they're
0:54:00 > 0:54:07quite inconsequential at all sorts of things and it amuses me and I find I'm just thoroughly happy here.
0:54:08 > 0:54:11What does Malta conjure up for you?
0:54:11 > 0:54:16Urm, I'm not sure, either, but I wasn't expecting this lot!
0:54:17 > 0:54:20The middle classes, meanwhile, abandoned the beaches to the rabble...
0:54:20 > 0:54:24ALL CHANTING: You what, you what, you what, you what, you what?
0:54:25 > 0:54:31..and headed permanently for the Dordogne, Brittany, Provence or Tuscany.
0:54:31 > 0:54:35They told anyone who would listen that the locals were hardworking,
0:54:35 > 0:54:38honest and cultured, paid them peanuts to renovate their houses,
0:54:38 > 0:54:42and wrote bestselling books about how they were lazy, mistrustful and stupid.
0:54:46 > 0:54:50But for the rest of us, after the holiday, it's back to Blighty.
0:54:53 > 0:54:56Here's what an imaginary science-fiction character has to say about holidays -
0:55:03 > 0:55:04Oh!
0:55:09 > 0:55:14If you were one of the millions who travel back every year - then remember Duty Free?
0:55:14 > 0:55:18Before 1999 we could all buy duty-free goods in the EU.
0:55:18 > 0:55:21For many of us, this is why we started smoking and drinking in the first place.
0:55:21 > 0:55:23It was bloody cheap!
0:55:23 > 0:55:25You'd often hear this in a pub back home,
0:55:25 > 0:55:33"Oi, Jake, can I scrounge a fag?" "Sorry, Paul, I've only got 270 left."
0:55:35 > 0:55:38So, you and your straw donkeys have made it to the airport,
0:55:38 > 0:55:42just in time for the second baggage handler strike of the summer.
0:55:42 > 0:55:47I've been delayed now for two hours.
0:55:47 > 0:55:51Should be another two now before we get any information,
0:55:51 > 0:55:53so God knows what time we're going to take off tonight!
0:55:53 > 0:55:55But that doesn't bother us.
0:55:55 > 0:55:58We'll be back next year - we've already booked it!
0:56:06 > 0:56:10We're British, and we like strange places,
0:56:10 > 0:56:14new experiences, foreign food and foreign people.
0:56:19 > 0:56:23We like too much heat, too much cold, too much sun, too much everything.
0:56:23 > 0:56:26In fact, we love it!
0:56:33 > 0:56:35But somewhere along the way,
0:56:35 > 0:56:37something went horribly wrong.
0:56:40 > 0:56:4650 years ago, a holiday meant a week in some drizzly seaside resort, a pint of milk stout and a pie.
0:56:46 > 0:56:49The idea of sunning ourselves on a foreign beach was insanity.
0:56:50 > 0:56:55But slowly we were led, blinking into the sunshine...
0:56:56 > 0:56:59..and what was once the preserve of the wealthy became everyone's.
0:57:00 > 0:57:04After years of air raids and rationing, half-built hotels
0:57:04 > 0:57:07with expansion cracks down them seemed like paradise!
0:57:09 > 0:57:14And now look at us! We've been everywhere, eaten everything, drunk everything.
0:57:14 > 0:57:20If there's an experience to experience, we've experienced it, again, and again and again.
0:57:22 > 0:57:24There's nowhere else to go,
0:57:24 > 0:57:28but we've got a taste for it now, and we want more!
0:57:31 > 0:57:35We want islands built in the sea, air-conditioned beaches, we want to
0:57:35 > 0:57:41go on holiday under the ocean, at the North Pole, in outer-space. Oh stop, stop, I feel sick!
0:57:41 > 0:57:42I want to go home!
0:57:48 > 0:57:53The oil is running out, the money is all gone, the planes are destroying the planet.
0:57:57 > 0:58:03Maybe it's time we sat on a drizzly beach again and wondered what's out there, over the horizon?
0:58:04 > 0:58:10What's out there is abroad - outlandish, exotic and scary.
0:58:10 > 0:58:16Maybe one day, if we save up, we can go there... Maybe...
0:58:20 > 0:58:26Paradise, or at least paradise on earth is very much what you yourself make it. Let's have a bit of music.
0:58:26 > 0:58:30What about Lure Of Tahiti? That sounds about the right sort of thing.
0:58:30 > 0:58:34Oh really, that's not my colour, you know, it really isn't!
0:58:41 > 0:58:44Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:44 > 0:58:47E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk