0:00:02 > 0:00:03'Clear for landing.'
0:00:03 > 0:00:06Bangkok Airport is like no other airport on Earth.
0:00:06 > 0:00:07Welcome to Thailand!
0:00:07 > 0:00:10This is my best smile.
0:00:10 > 0:00:11It's where East meets West....
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Chin, chin, chin. Chin, chin, chin.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15..Buddhist meets backpacker...
0:00:15 > 0:00:16That way to the beach.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18..and traveller meets trouble.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20You'll never see me in Thailand again.
0:00:20 > 0:00:21No, no!
0:00:21 > 0:00:22Yes!
0:00:22 > 0:00:23And if the culture seems strange...
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Free hugs?
0:00:24 > 0:00:27- ..the language seems foreign... - SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
0:00:27 > 0:00:29..and you're 6,000 miles from home...
0:00:29 > 0:00:31I'm stuck in Bangkok.
0:00:31 > 0:00:32..don't panic.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35There's an army of airport staff just waiting to help you out.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40- One way...- How may I help you?
0:00:40 > 0:00:41..or another.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Get in the line.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44So whether it's your gateway
0:00:44 > 0:00:46to a million once-in-a-lifetime experiences...
0:00:46 > 0:00:49It's all about love, love, love and love.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52..or just the ticket to a good old-fashioned holiday nightmare...
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Look at all the cancelled flights!
0:00:54 > 0:00:55..this is your final call.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Really happy, everyone.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- Welcome...- Passport please. - ..to Bangkok Airport.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06This programme contains some strong language
0:01:06 > 0:01:09# This is how we do, yeah, chillin' laid back, straight stuntin'... #
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Today, we go behind the scenes of the world's smiliest airport.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18We meet the Far East's happiest immigration officer.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19I love my job.
0:01:20 > 0:01:25And the laughing doctor who has his patients in stitches.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27But not everyone is smiling.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29They're not really taking care of me, in a nutshell.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Melody's lost her passport,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33and Matt can't get back to Rotherham.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Well, I'm here for ever, then, aren't I?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38John's around-Asia trip hits the skids.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Oh, shit!
0:01:41 > 0:01:42I had it wrapped around my head
0:01:42 > 0:01:44because I didn't know how bad the cut was.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45And will Paul make it to the gate
0:01:45 > 0:01:47after a big night out in Departures?
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Cheers.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51It's just another day at the Airport of Smiles,
0:01:51 > 0:01:53and no-one smiles more than Jack.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57My name is Captain Jack...
0:01:57 > 0:01:59You can call me Jack.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Yeah, Captain Jack.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06'I love my job, you know?'
0:02:06 > 0:02:08I love my... I love my job.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09I love to be immigration.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Chin, chin, chin. Chin, chin, chin.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I issue the visa on arrival.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20One passenger, I have to stamp it three times.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Then I have to count...
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Chin, chin, chin, chin, chin, chin.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29..from this classic numbering machine.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31I love this machine.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32It just sounds so good. IT CRUNCHES
0:02:32 > 0:02:33See?
0:02:33 > 0:02:38And then I issue the visa from stamping.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40This is the visa.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Done, OK?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46It makes my day.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I don't know, I just love it.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Yes!
0:02:53 > 0:02:56After clearing Immigration, the adventure begins.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58The airport handles 50 million passengers a year
0:02:58 > 0:03:01and Bangkok's a top long-haul destination
0:03:01 > 0:03:03for young British travellers.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05- ALL:- Hi, we're on a gap year.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Beach, culture and partying, we're doing all three.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10For some, it's a voyage of self-discovery.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14- I'm soul-searching because I really want to find who I am. - He wants to find himself.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16But for beauticians Alicia and Georgia,
0:03:16 > 0:03:17it isn't.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I came to Thailand
0:03:19 > 0:03:21because my dad was paying for it.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24So, it was a free holiday!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27But now they're here, they're going to make the most of it.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Top five things I want to do is get a massage,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- get a tan...- Erm...
0:03:34 > 0:03:35What else?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39She wants to see a ladyboy!
0:03:41 > 0:03:44It's really hot when you get outside, you can't breathe.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Yeah, we wore tights on the plane
0:03:46 > 0:03:49so that we could just take them off as soon as we got off.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- You lie, you said easy access! - Oh, shut up!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58That as well. Two birds, one stone.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00What does that mean?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02You're hitting two birds with one stone.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- Doing two things in one... - Oh, OK.- ..shot.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08OK.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Alicia and Georgia will spend the first half of their hols
0:04:10 > 0:04:13with Alicia's dad Andy and his partner Chan.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15The second half they're on their own,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17including a trip to the Full Moon Party.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I think they should go and experience
0:04:19 > 0:04:21but I've told them to be very, very careful.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Yes, I'm a bit worried about them.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I'm quite worried when they have, like, drink and drugs and that.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- Shall we just go and get pissed? - Probably.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31We can't get too drunk.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33No, we've got to get up in the morning.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34We've got to get up in the morning!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37We've got to go to the gym in the morning, don't we?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Get a beach bod!
0:04:40 > 0:04:42We'll go to the gym every day in the hotel.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43When we leave her old man,
0:04:43 > 0:04:47we're going to be nicking lads, so we've got to get beach bods!
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Oh, don't get my cellulite!
0:04:51 > 0:04:52With Dad footing the bill,
0:04:52 > 0:04:56the first half of the trip should be a doddle.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59But will they still be smiling when they go it alone?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13If you're ever in bother at Bangkok Airport,
0:05:13 > 0:05:17your best bet is to head for tourist police HQ.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19This 90-strong squad of officers
0:05:19 > 0:05:21are dedicated to helping travellers in trouble
0:05:21 > 0:05:24and doing it with a smile.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Sergeants Bopit and Jang
0:05:26 > 0:05:30patrol one of the biggest airport terminals in the world.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32At six million square feet, it's some beat,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35but they've got it covered on their brand-new Segways.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38I...I am the best Segway rider!
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Everybody can do it.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45On their super Segways,
0:05:45 > 0:05:47the tourist police are ready for any emergency,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50from taxi touts to threatening behaviour
0:05:50 > 0:05:51to lost property.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Lots of lost property.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- Camera.- Yeah, lots of camera.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- Passport.- A lot of passports.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- Husband.- Mm-hm.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01- Husbands, friends.- Friends.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- More, do you have more?- Uh...money.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Money! Well, money is number one.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10- Yes, and some can't learn hotel. - Yeah.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- Lost the way, you know? - Lost the way to their hotel!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- They cannot reme... - Forget the name of the hotel!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Back at the office, the first loser of the day is Matt from Rotherham.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I did not have flight... I had e-ticket.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24But I just got...
0:06:24 > 0:06:27He's desperate to get home after his wallet,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30containing credit cards and cash, was stolen.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32It's a tough one but Sergeant Jang is on the case.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Can help him for sending back. But how?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I try to think of that.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41You know, don't worry because tourist police,
0:06:41 > 0:06:43we are Superman!
0:06:44 > 0:06:46My daughter's in hospital.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Well, she had an accident. I need to get home. I don't...
0:06:52 > 0:06:55My flight isn't for two weeks
0:06:55 > 0:06:57so I've come to change today
0:06:57 > 0:07:00and there's no ticket. I've lost my bank card...
0:07:02 > 0:07:03I just can't get home.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Matt's return ticket is non-transferable
0:07:05 > 0:07:06and with no money,
0:07:06 > 0:07:08he wants to buy a ticket online
0:07:08 > 0:07:10using his girlfriend's card number back home.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15- My girlfriend has sent me t'number on her card.- Mm-hm.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20- If I can get flight, I can just type in and go.- Ah, yes.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- So I try on internet.- Yeah, yeah.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25And now, are you hungry?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- I don't know what I am.- Oh, OK. - No, I've got...
0:07:28 > 0:07:32- Some coffee?- I need a drink - water.- Drink?- Water?- Water.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34What airport is this?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Manchester tomorrow, that'll do.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Matt checks his flight options
0:07:39 > 0:07:42but just as he's about to buy his ticket,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Sergeant Jang spots a problem.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Some airline, in Thailand, some airline,
0:07:47 > 0:07:51if you buy a ticket by credit card,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53you must show this card.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57- Do you not have card, right? - No, I have not got card.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00This card is at home. What do I need to do now?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Your girlfriend buy ticket for you
0:08:02 > 0:08:05and then send this ticket to your e-mail.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07THEY SPEAK OVER EACH OTHER
0:08:07 > 0:08:12Angela, you're going to have to book me a ticket.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Right? I've just...
0:08:14 > 0:08:19Angela, I've got one up here on t'internet but I can't pay for it.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21You've got to...
0:08:21 > 0:08:24You've got to buy it and then e-mail,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27when it comes through, the document,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30you're going to have to e-mail that document then, to here.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Departure? Tomorrow. Qatar Airways.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Yes, it's from Bangkok. That's right, Angela.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Book it me.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Angela, I can't.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Because if I could book it, I'd need the card to show them.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49This is strange.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52She's doing exactly the same what I can do here.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54But I can book this now.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56But they're saying I can't have it.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59It's just the same. She's going to do exactly the same.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Whatever they e-mail me here, I've got it here.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07I just don't... I do not understand.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08What's the difference?
0:09:08 > 0:09:13I could buy that now and print it off, the e-ticket.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17- "Matthew goes tomorrow."- OK... - INTERPRETER RELAYS WHAT HE SAYS
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Three hours in, Matt's no nearer to flying out.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23This could be a long haul.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Two floors down from Police HQ
0:09:33 > 0:09:37is the airport's state-of-the-art medical centre.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Doctors here treat more than 30,000 patients a year.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- But they still find time for a laugh.- Oh, sorry!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45And no-one likes a laugh more than Dr Art.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47No, I'm just kidding!
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Except his best pal Dr Jack.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51HE GIGGLES
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Oh, Dr Jack?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56He's the most funniest guy ever.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01And when he comes in, he always comes with a loud laugh.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05'Even when he is in the toilet, from the outside,
0:10:05 > 0:10:06'we can hear his laugh.'
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Today, Jack's put a smile on everyone's face.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13He's just back from London with presents for the team.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15THEY SQUEAL
0:10:15 > 0:10:18'Most of the Thai girls love shopping.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22'So four of the nurses make an order with me.'
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- The Toblerone from London.- Ooh!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28But Dr Jack wasn't on holiday in London,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31he actually flew there at the controls of his jumbo.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- Thank you, Jack. - His other job's a pilot.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37I dreamed to be a pilot since I was a young boy,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39but when I graduated as a physician,
0:10:39 > 0:10:43I tried to follow my dream, to be a pilot.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45But multi-talented Dr Jack pops into the clinic
0:10:45 > 0:10:47when the staff are pushed.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Today he's helping John, who has been in the wars.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51That's my T-shirt after the crash.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I had it wrapped around my head
0:10:53 > 0:10:55because I didn't know how bad the cut was.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56And he was actually cut...
0:10:56 > 0:10:58He was passed out so I thought he was dead.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01John and his mate Chris were on a round-Asia trip
0:11:01 > 0:11:02until the wheels came off.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Yesterday I was in Laos,
0:11:03 > 0:11:06trying to get to the airport for a connecting flight to here
0:11:06 > 0:11:08and unfortunately we had a road crash,
0:11:08 > 0:11:09ended up in a ditch in the jungle.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11It was a freak accident, basically.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13I don't know if it was the car's fault or the weather
0:11:13 > 0:11:15or a little bit of our fault.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18But basically as we tried to turn the corner,
0:11:18 > 0:11:20the car didn't respond quite as it should.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22It just so happened that I happened to turn the camera on
0:11:22 > 0:11:25at the time, you know, a second before it happened. So...
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Hang on. This is pretty traumatic,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29just me screaming my head off most of the time.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Chrissy, hard round, hard round.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Oh, fuck.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Last thing I remember is just going down the ditch but I passed out.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45I passed out, I was out.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Chrissy! Chrissy!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Chrissy, wake the fuck up, Chrissy!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Chrissy, wake the fuck up.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55CAR HORN TOOTS Chrissy! Wake up, man.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Chrissy, WAKE UP!
0:11:57 > 0:12:00I was just tired. I just wanted to get my head down.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03So that was scary, I thought I'd lost my best mate
0:12:03 > 0:12:05and then there was blood everywhere with me so...
0:12:05 > 0:12:08But, look, there was people all around that came and helped us straightaway.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11As soon as he woke up I knew we'd be fine.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Great holiday snaps.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Very good for the album.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Although I'm not Facebooking that one.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18John's problems aren't over.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Dr Jack has to decide if he's well enough to board his plane.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Without a "fit to fly" certificate, his journey ends here.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26So you've confirmed that
0:12:26 > 0:12:29when you had the accident you didn't lose conscious, right?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32No, definitely not, definitely not. I saw the whole thing, unfortunately.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- OK, good. Do you feel nausea? - No, not at all, no.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- Any blurred vision?- No, no.- Great.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40It's the first time John's had a good look at his wound.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44I just hope the girls like scars. It makes a guy more attractive, right?
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Selfie over, Dr Jack begins his examination.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55'I just observed his movement and his pupil reaction with the light.'
0:12:55 > 0:12:57OK, follow the light, please?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01I think that all of his neurological signs are perfectly normal
0:13:01 > 0:13:04so I think it's just... only the wounds.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Would you mind if I prescribed you antibiotics?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- Because right now I think you will need it.- OK.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- Is that going to affect my flight? - Pardon?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Is that going to affect me getting on this next flight?
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- No, no, I think that you can catch your flight.- Great.- No problem.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21It's a result, though Jack says John's had a narrow escape.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23In the case of John, I think his accident is
0:13:23 > 0:13:26not serious at all, by my experience,
0:13:26 > 0:13:30because I used to have the case who lost his arm or maybe decapitated.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33With the all clear and a new dressing,
0:13:33 > 0:13:35John and Chris can make their way to check-in.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36- Thank you very much.- Thank you.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- Thank God for that. - Fit to fly.- Fit to fly, get in!
0:13:42 > 0:13:45This business doing its hardest to try and, like, ruin things for us
0:13:45 > 0:13:47but we're just not going to give in.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50There are better times ahead, we know that, for sure.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52But once again fate takes a hand.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I don't think I got my passport back off them.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01I handed it in at the desk at the hospital there.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- Did they give it back to you?- No.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Here we go again!
0:14:09 > 0:14:13With John convinced he's left his passport at the medical centre,
0:14:13 > 0:14:17airline staff race over to see if they can retrieve it in time,
0:14:17 > 0:14:19or has that knock to the head affected his memory?
0:14:19 > 0:14:23The agent at the medical centre has confirmed that they returned
0:14:23 > 0:14:26the passport to you already. Did you find it yet?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29They didn't give it back to me, no.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Could you please have a look again?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Sorry! I had it, I had it.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40It was mixed in with all my bloody clothes.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Passport in hand, John and Chris are free
0:14:43 > 0:14:46to continue their Far East adventure.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Bangkok Airport serves more than just Bangkok,
0:15:02 > 0:15:06it's the gateway to Thailand's holiday islands.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Alicia and Georgia have been sampling the delights of Koh Samui.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12So far, they've done it in style thanks to Alicia's dad Andy
0:15:12 > 0:15:13and his partner Chan,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16but they're flying out today and the girls will be on their own.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20So far on the holiday, they have done absolutely nothing for themselves.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Chan's organised virtually everything.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28So we've decided from now on they've got to organise it all themselves.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32- But we had to force them into booking their accommodation.- Yes.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35They haven't even booked their boat yet to go to the Full Moon Party
0:15:35 > 0:15:37so we're going to have to tell them to do that
0:15:37 > 0:15:39otherwise that's not going to happen.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Now they're down to reality,
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I don't know how they're going to get on once we've gone back.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46They've been staying in the same accommodation we have but they're
0:15:46 > 0:15:52now having to do the backpacker's bit with the one-stars and the hostels.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53So, now it's the moment of truth
0:15:53 > 0:15:55as Dad and Chan say goodbye to the girls.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Good luck, then. Well, you'd better be careful.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- I don't want to get a phone call. - Off who? The police?
0:16:01 > 0:16:05I'm not a kid any more. I'm 24.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10- Bye, love you.- Right, bye.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14- You're sweaty.- See you later. - See you. Bye. Love you.- Bye!
0:16:14 > 0:16:17So, it's goodbye to the good life.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19From now on, the friends will be roughing it.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23They've already had to move into more modest accommodation.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26'We've not got room service.'
0:16:26 > 0:16:28We need the room service.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32I can't do my back.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35I don't know. They don't really have toilet paper up here but in the bars
0:16:35 > 0:16:37and that, people just...
0:16:37 > 0:16:40squirt themselves and then be done with it.
0:16:40 > 0:16:46- I couldn't do it, to be honest.- You just have to squat...- Into the hole.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48..then you get this bowl.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51It's just like a big bucket full of water with a little pot in it
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- and they just...- Obviously, you've got to splash it.- ..scoop it.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Just go like that.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I don't know, but we didn't do it. We had to go and get a tissue.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01We couldn't...couldn't do it.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- I think it's good to do things like this.- Yeah.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08- Gives you a kick up the arse, doesn't it?- I'm not scared.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I think I'm quite sensible.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13THEY LAUGH
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Am I not?- Say that again.- Am I not?
0:17:18 > 0:17:22The first task is to book a boat to the Full Moon Party
0:17:22 > 0:17:24on the nearby island of Ko Pha Ngan.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Hello.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Do you know the speedboat for Full Moon Party? Speedboat.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- Speedboat.- Full Moon Party.- I have...
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- High-speed boat, yeah. That's it. - Yes.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37High-speed boat.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38That's not right.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40It starts from one and goes all the way through to seven.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44So you get picked up and you have to wait an hour. That's not right.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- That is right. You're just a div. - No, I'm not booking nothing.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I'm not paying for a speedboat.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50I want to get there in speedy time,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53not fucking sit on the boat an hour and wait.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Five-star restaurants are now a thing of the past.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02We didn't come to places like this when we were with my dad and Chan.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Don't really know about what money I've got cos
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I don't even check my account, I just draw it out.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10It's not going to last for ever, is it?
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- Thank you.- Thank you.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19They've discovered a knack to eating cheaply.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Thank you. Sorry, we can't tip you.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26It's not just food and accommodation.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Every bus and boat will have to be paid for.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32OK, so how much is it altogether?
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Thank you.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Now they're on a budget,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Alicia and Georgia will have to watch what they spend.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40But what DID they spend?
0:18:40 > 0:18:45- How much is that anyway?- 2,400. - What's eight plus eight? 18?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48It's 58. Eight plus...
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- What's eight plus eight? - It's 2,400. It weren't 2,800.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Eight plus eight is... Eight plus eight is 19.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- 6.- 16. So that's...
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Eight plus... Wait, how much was it?
0:19:01 > 0:19:06They're smiling now but they'll have to improve their maths
0:19:06 > 0:19:09if they're to survive the holiday without the bank of Dad.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20- I cannot afford more. - OK, OK.- I have no money.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Back at the Airport of Smiles, Matt's still stranded.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26His wallet's been stolen and now he's losing his sense of humour.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31That is... That is cheap. That's what I can afford.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Sergeant Jang has told him
0:19:33 > 0:19:36he can't use his girlfriend's card details to book the flight.
0:19:36 > 0:19:42Some airlines, if you buy tickets by credit card,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44before you have flight,
0:19:44 > 0:19:47when you check in, you must show this card, too.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49So he's calling his mum to see
0:19:49 > 0:19:52if he can get some cash through his travel insurance.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55All right. Ta-ra, ta-ra, ta-ra, Mum.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59But phoning Rotherham on your mobile doesn't come cheap.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I use telephone?
0:20:01 > 0:20:08- We have some card. You want to... make overseas, right?- No.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I don't know. I've got to ring that number.
0:20:10 > 0:20:16That number... That number, they've told my girlfriend...
0:20:16 > 0:20:19That number, I ring that, it says they will definitely help me
0:20:19 > 0:20:21and they'll bring me money to the airport.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I don't think that's working.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Wrong number. Wrong number.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42I have to go back.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48You'll never see me in Thailand ever again.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Ever.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Back at the tourist police, Matt bites the bullet
0:20:54 > 0:20:56and calls Mum on his mobile.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57It doesn't connect to anything.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Well, it's a massive number as it is.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I'm thinking it's what, one, two, three, four, five, six,
0:21:05 > 0:21:06seven, eight, nine,
0:21:06 > 0:21:0810, 11, 12...? It's 14 numbers long.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Right. All right. All right, Mum, I'll try it again.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15I'll try it again. All right, Mum. Yeah. Ta-ra.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Finally, Matt gets through to the insurers.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24It's a flex account travel cover upgrade. Worldwide cover.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Yeah, it's an emergency. International emergency.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31So, that is meaning you can get money?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I need... I need to fax this.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35What do you want to do?
0:21:35 > 0:21:42- Sir, can you take a photo and send by...?- By scan?- Because we...
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- We no have.- Can you send by e-mail?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46You just make things complicated.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52They need that document to prove that I've been robbed
0:21:52 > 0:21:54and then they might send me... might give me money.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00You can't just buy a ticket and show them your passport
0:22:00 > 0:22:04and get on a plane. Why can't they pull strings and make one exception?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Why can't they just go to the airline and say,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09"Look, he's here, just let him show that ticket, passport,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12"and get him on"? Why can't they just do that?
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Unbelievable.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20So, if I don't do that, I'm just here for ever, am I?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22I just waste away?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24With no solution in sight,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Matt's in danger of forgetting the airport's golden rule.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Smile!
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Not only does Bangkok call itself the Airport of Smiles,
0:22:32 > 0:22:35it prides itself on its helpful and friendly staff.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41As Matt's discovered, from dawn to dusk, they're here to help.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Take Officer Nook from airport security.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49I love working at the airport. I love passengers from every country.
0:22:49 > 0:22:54But beware, when she's checking you in, she's really checking you out.
0:22:54 > 0:22:59I come to work at the airport because I need to find
0:22:59 > 0:23:01boyfriend from Europe.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I love people from England.
0:23:04 > 0:23:09Yes, I find them every day but I don't know why they don't like me.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Maybe because I am a funny girl.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18While Officer Nook wishes passengers a pleasant flight,
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Captain Jack welcomes them to Thailand with a smile.
0:23:22 > 0:23:27People visiting Thailand, like, they know the rule.
0:23:27 > 0:23:32They know the rule. Most of them, when I smile, they will smile back.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Yes.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Can I ask you, how do you like Thailand?
0:23:41 > 0:23:42This way.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Did he say welcome to Thailand?
0:23:47 > 0:23:51See? I missed that. See?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- How do you like Thailand? - Huh? Pardon?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- How do you like Thailand? - Thailand? Very much.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- Which way?- Here. This way.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Welcome to Thailand, by the way.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09- Why you come to Thailand?- Sorry?
0:24:09 > 0:24:13- Why you come to Thailand? - For honeymoon.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18- Honeymoon? Oh, my gosh. Congratulations.- Thanks.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Captain Jack is especially happy to welcome this visitor to Thailand.
0:24:22 > 0:24:27- So, you have a good trip. - Hope so.- Yeah.- Thank you.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30He's just got hitched himself and he's still basking in the afterglow.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35We are happy and we make the music video
0:24:35 > 0:24:38and I share it to the cyber world.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41MUSIC: Birthday by Katy Perry
0:24:41 > 0:24:44# I heard you're feeling nothing's going right
0:24:44 > 0:24:46# Why don't you let me... #
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Is it fun?
0:24:48 > 0:24:52# ..The clock is ticking Running out of time
0:24:52 > 0:24:56# So we should party all night
0:24:56 > 0:24:58# So cover your eyes. #
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Me.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00My wife.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Me and my wife.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06My wife.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Me.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09My wife.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Me.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Me and my wife.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Back at tourist police HQ, Melody's just stepped off a connecting
0:25:25 > 0:25:28flight from Phuket, and her passport's not with her.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31It's another case for Bopit to look into.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35On the plane, where did you keep your passport?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37I can't remember.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- You cannot remember?- No.
0:25:39 > 0:25:45But both of these bags, both of these bags here was in the...
0:25:45 > 0:25:47What is that called?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- You know, above the heads. - I know. I know.- Yeah?
0:25:50 > 0:25:54After you get on the plane, did you take it out from the cabin?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- Can you remember?- No, I didn't. I didn't take it out.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- Oh.- No.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Lost passports are an everyday problem at Bangkok Airport.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Melody thinks hers fell out of her little bag
0:26:05 > 0:26:07when she was putting it in her big bag.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12It's heavy, it's a beach bag and it doesn't shut.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13I should have...
0:26:13 > 0:26:16I've only had one bit of hand luggage, but where I was
0:26:16 > 0:26:21so over in my normal luggage, they told me to take out seven kilos.
0:26:21 > 0:26:28So that's when I got this bag out to put everything in.
0:26:28 > 0:26:35- She lost passport, camera... - Wallet.- ..wallet, sunglasses.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Everything inside.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Gucci bag.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44My name is Miss Melody, with a Y. Melody...
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Without a passport, Melody can't leave Thailand,
0:26:47 > 0:26:51never mind catching a flight. She calls the British Embassy for help.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54I need to do an emergency travel document.
0:26:54 > 0:26:59But you only can do that in the morning not the afternoon.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02I'm thinking, am I going to be stuck here? Do you know what I mean?
0:27:02 > 0:27:06Like, how long for? I've got no way of getting home.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10No passport, no transport, I've got no other ID on me. So, yeah.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14Really, really stressful.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18You need a stiff drink after this. Definitely.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20The staff take a moment to discuss her case
0:27:20 > 0:27:23when Melody steps out for some fresh air.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35But Melody's not happy with the way the police are handling her case.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38They're not really taking care of me, in a nutshell.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42There's no sympathisation here... at all.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45And I felt a little bit interrogated.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47With the embassy due to close for the day,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Melody doesn't want to risk the trip into Bangkok.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52I don't want to get there and it's going to be shut.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Like, that would just be the worst.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56That would, like, tip me off the iceberg.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01It really would. Cos I'm so stressed out right now, like...
0:28:01 > 0:28:03It's very stressful.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06It's starting to look like another night in Bangkok.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10You know, I was so looking forward to getting home and now I can't.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14I suppose I can top up on my tan, though, can't I?
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Back at the airport's medical centre, Jack the flying doctor
0:28:24 > 0:28:27is busy taking orders for his next trip to England.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31The nurse who works here earns just only £20 for one day.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35As a pilot, you can shopping in any place you fly.
0:28:35 > 0:28:36OK.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40So I try to make everyone happy when they work with me.
0:28:40 > 0:28:47OK, so we finish getting many orders from my nurse.
0:28:47 > 0:28:48Emergency, yes.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
0:28:51 > 0:28:52OK.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55One patient get faint at...
0:28:55 > 0:28:59gate delta one alpha, so I have to be there.
0:28:59 > 0:29:00The presents will have to wait.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02A passenger has collapsed at one of the gates
0:29:02 > 0:29:04with a suspected heart attack.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15As a pilot, Jack takes the short cut across the tarmac.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38OK, sir, let me hold this for you.
0:29:38 > 0:29:39THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE
0:29:42 > 0:29:44The patient is an Italian tourist
0:29:44 > 0:29:46taken ill as he boarded the plane home.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48He literally just collapsed.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50OK. So just collapsed.
0:29:50 > 0:29:54- OK.- He's 74 years old.- OK.
0:29:54 > 0:29:57Antibiotics. Bronchitis, hypertension.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59- OK, so that's all you have, right?- Yes.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07The patient's pulse is faint, so Dr Jack administers oxygen.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09PATIENT GROANS
0:30:09 > 0:30:11OK, sir. OK, sir. Let me help.
0:30:11 > 0:30:12OK, let's move.
0:30:14 > 0:30:18When the patient starts responding, he's stretchered out of Departures.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30There's an ambulance waiting to take him to hospital in Bangkok.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36Two hours later, Jack's back.
0:30:36 > 0:30:38I'm exhausted.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41He's confident the patient will make a full recovery.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45When he arrived at the hospital, he gained full conscious,
0:30:45 > 0:30:47but he still is confused.
0:30:47 > 0:30:51And he's pleased with the way his staff responded to the emergency.
0:30:51 > 0:30:55The team, I have to say, the team took care of him complete.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57My team is fantastic today.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59- It's another happy ending.- Thanks.
0:30:59 > 0:31:03But he knows his next shopping trip is really going to cost him.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14On the island of Koh Phangan,
0:31:14 > 0:31:17British holiday-makers Alicia and Georgia have joined the crowds
0:31:17 > 0:31:18at the Full Moon Party.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21This techno-fuelled dusk-to-dawn rave on a beach
0:31:21 > 0:31:24has become a rite of passage for thousands of young Brits.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30With its Day-Glo face paint, vodka buckets and magic milkshakes,
0:31:30 > 0:31:34it's a good place to find yourself - or just get lost.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37Eight out of ten times we're going to lose each other tonight.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39That's why we're holding hands.
0:31:40 > 0:31:44But losing each other could be the least of their worries.
0:31:46 > 0:31:47Fucking lethal, ain't they?
0:31:49 > 0:31:52We watched some documentary on Thailand and it was saying
0:31:52 > 0:31:54all the dodgy stuff that happens
0:31:54 > 0:31:56and we thought, "Right, we'd better not go!"
0:31:56 > 0:31:59And we actually was not going to come, but then we thought,
0:31:59 > 0:32:00"We'll go, we'll have a look,
0:32:00 > 0:32:03"if it feels a bit dodgy, we'll just go home early."
0:32:03 > 0:32:07But having come all this way, it would be a shame not to join in.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09- What do you want to do? - I'm running out of drink.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12- Do you want to get another bucket? - We're going to be on the floor.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15- What do you want to do, then? - Let's get another one.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17THEY LAUGH
0:32:17 > 0:32:20But even the drinks are a disappointment.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23- That ain't vodka, is it? - That is disgusting.
0:32:23 > 0:32:27- That's not vodka.- That is disgusting. Don't taste nothing like this.
0:32:27 > 0:32:28Try that.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32We don't want it. It's disgusting.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36- Where's the money?- I haven't paid her.- You haven't paid her?
0:32:36 > 0:32:37- We won't have it.- Don't want it.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43They'll just probably refill it round the back.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45With petrol or something!
0:32:45 > 0:32:49It's not just the vodka buckets that are a letdown.
0:32:51 > 0:32:55It's like being in Magaluf with a load of university students
0:32:55 > 0:32:57all bunged together in one.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00It's not what it's cracked up to be at all.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08WHOOPING
0:33:08 > 0:33:12- To be honest with you, I thought it was absolutely shit.- Yeah.
0:33:12 > 0:33:16It was all right. But I wouldn't rave about it.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19- London is the best thing... - Shoreditch is better!
0:33:19 > 0:33:23Yeah, Shoreditch is better than that. That fucking party.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25So much for the Full Moon Party.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28Oh, for fuck's sake!
0:33:28 > 0:33:31And Alicia is not the only one feeling fed up tonight.
0:33:34 > 0:33:38Back at the airport, Matt seems no nearer to getting home
0:33:38 > 0:33:40after his long evening with the tourist police.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45One, two, three, four, five, six...
0:33:45 > 0:33:47About six hours.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52Matt's insurers want to see proof he's had his wallet stolen.
0:33:52 > 0:33:57This e-mail, there's something attached to it. It needs opening.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59- Printing?- Ah, I know.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02I have to sign, scan, send back.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05OK, OK. Just a moment.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08Despite doubts from Sergeant Jang, Matt's convinced
0:34:08 > 0:34:11he can buy a flight online using card details from the UK.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14He calls the British Embassy for advice.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17I know. I know, that's what I've told these...
0:34:17 > 0:34:20The embassy man here's saying it's bloody stupid.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23I don't need the card to get on the plane.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26I'll try that, then. Thank you.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29Thank you. Bye. Bye.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31He said to me, British Embassy man,
0:34:31 > 0:34:36if my girlfriend books me flight with my card, I need to show them.
0:34:36 > 0:34:41She booked back home with her card, I don't need to show nothing.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44Suddenly, Sergeant Jang has a thought.
0:34:44 > 0:34:48- What kind of card?- What kind of card? - Yeah, that she buy the ticket?
0:34:48 > 0:34:52- Is credit card, like?- Credit card or debit card?- Debit card.
0:34:52 > 0:34:57- Oh, debit card is no problem. - It's OK.- It's OK.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59Debit card is OK, not credit card.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02It turns out while a credit card might have to be produced
0:35:02 > 0:35:05on departure, a debit card doesn't.
0:35:05 > 0:35:09- Well, this could have been sorted hours ago.- Ah, sign.- Right.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13Things are finally on the move.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16All Matt needs now is his girlfriend's debit card.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20I need a debit card.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22I need a debit card, you've got to find me one.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28You'll have to ring your mates! I don't know.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30I need, right... What you...
0:35:32 > 0:35:34Not a credit card, debit card.
0:35:36 > 0:35:37Well, I can't do it, then, can I?
0:35:39 > 0:35:42Well, I'm here for ever, then, aren't I?
0:35:42 > 0:35:43So long!
0:35:45 > 0:35:48At 2.55am, Matt finally books his flight.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51It's another triumph for the tourist police.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55He get a flight, just, he will be going home.
0:35:55 > 0:35:57Coming soon!
0:35:59 > 0:36:02I don't know what I'm going to do for the next...
0:36:02 > 0:36:05The Manchester plane is not leaving for quite a while.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08..13 hours.
0:36:08 > 0:36:12But once again, the tourist police can put a smile on his face.
0:36:12 > 0:36:13I just want to be home.
0:36:13 > 0:36:18- Sergeant Jang unrolls the official tourist police duvet.- Clean.
0:36:18 > 0:36:22And he can get his head down for one more night in Bangkok.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38MUSIC: She Looks So Perfect by 5 Seconds of Summer
0:36:38 > 0:36:40It's a brand-new day at the Airport of Smiles
0:36:40 > 0:36:43and with so many different nationalities passing through,
0:36:43 > 0:36:47it's one of the best places in the world to people-watch.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50# She looks so perfect standing there
0:36:50 > 0:36:53# In my American Apparel underwear
0:36:53 > 0:36:55# And I know now
0:36:55 > 0:36:59# That I'm so down... #
0:36:59 > 0:37:02And no-one is better placed to do it than Officer Jibbydoo.
0:37:02 > 0:37:03How may I help you?
0:37:03 > 0:37:06From her vantage point at the information desk,
0:37:06 > 0:37:08she can see you coming a mile off.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10Head left, please, at the red line.
0:37:10 > 0:37:15With their appearance, I can tell very easily if they are from India,
0:37:15 > 0:37:17Dubai, yes...
0:37:18 > 0:37:23..Pakistan, China, they have this specific look.
0:37:23 > 0:37:29British? They have this elegant look, especially with business guys,
0:37:29 > 0:37:32yeah, pride with themself,
0:37:32 > 0:37:37they stand straight and with their strong accent.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41You know, like, a bit snobby! A bit snobby.
0:37:45 > 0:37:49But not everyone matches that snobby British stereotype.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52In fact, some people make a point of smashing it to bits.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55MUSIC: Dr Who by Tujamo & Plastik Funk
0:37:55 > 0:37:58# Who are they? Who are they? Who are you? Who am I? #
0:37:58 > 0:37:59It's me. It's Paul.
0:38:02 > 0:38:06Paul is from Dundee but he lives out here in Thailand,
0:38:06 > 0:38:09only leaving reluctantly when he's due back on the rigs.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16I work in Norway. I do two weeks on, four weeks off,
0:38:16 > 0:38:21so I spend my time over here, have my girlfriend over here
0:38:21 > 0:38:23and just enjoy myself.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26The thought of even going back to Dundee...
0:38:26 > 0:38:28No. Love Thailand. Love it to bits.
0:38:28 > 0:38:32Full of beautiful woman, sunshine,
0:38:32 > 0:38:34you can't even compare the two, you know.
0:38:34 > 0:38:38I've got a tie with a little Thai badge.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40I've got the headband on
0:38:40 > 0:38:43and of course, you've seen the mask.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45Little bit of terrorism.
0:38:48 > 0:38:50Just for the shock.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53Thailand, one love.
0:38:56 > 0:38:57Paul's done the sensible thing
0:38:57 > 0:39:00and arrived at the airport in plenty of time.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03In fact, he's got 14 hours to kill before he catches his plane.
0:39:05 > 0:39:09My flight's at 2am, so I have to check in about 11pm tonight,
0:39:09 > 0:39:13but that's fine by me. I'm happy. I don't mind. Just float about.
0:39:13 > 0:39:17Couple of beers, couple of smokes, have a little lie down somewhere.
0:39:18 > 0:39:21But passing time at any airport can be a drag,
0:39:21 > 0:39:23even at the Airport of Smiles.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35Chok de ka!
0:39:39 > 0:39:40It means "cheers".
0:39:49 > 0:39:52OK, I'm going to get another beer, if that's OK.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54Are you sure you don't want one?
0:39:54 > 0:39:57It's not just the passengers who get bored.
0:39:57 > 0:39:59The staff too have to manage their downtime.
0:40:02 > 0:40:06Sergeants Jang and Bopit take the opportunity to do a spot of PR work
0:40:06 > 0:40:08for the tourist police.
0:40:08 > 0:40:09Reverse...
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Ow! Sorry, sorry!
0:40:11 > 0:40:13You're welcome.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17- OK. Bye.- Where are you from?- Israel.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20- Italy? Have you been here before? - Israel.- Israel.- Israel. Oh.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22- I've been here once.- OK.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25If you need some help, call to my office. Yeah.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28- Call it.- Yeah.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30- Call to this number.- Thank you.
0:40:30 > 0:40:35You can use for a bookmark, you know, when you're reading a book.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38- You're welcome.- Yeah. Bye.- Bye.
0:40:38 > 0:40:39But for Captain Jack,
0:40:39 > 0:40:42there's nothing sadder than an empty immigration room.
0:40:42 > 0:40:46This time is like...nobody. You can see nobody.
0:40:48 > 0:40:50See? See? Nobody, nobody.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52Nobody's here.
0:40:53 > 0:40:57Thai people, we love our country and we like to have...
0:40:59 > 0:41:01..everybody come visit,
0:41:01 > 0:41:06so it's kind of sad situation that I got right now.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09Captain Jack cheers himself up
0:41:09 > 0:41:14- by uploading another one of his home videos.- This is my channel.
0:41:15 > 0:41:19This is my first performance in Immigration.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21His star turn at the last Immigration party
0:41:21 > 0:41:24has gone down in departmental history.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27Do you know what you're talking with?
0:41:27 > 0:41:31The superstar of Immigration Bureau.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33Look, look. In the middle.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38MUSIC: Gangnam Style by Psy
0:41:40 > 0:41:42Look.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44# O pan Gangnam style... #
0:41:44 > 0:41:48The Commissioner of Immigration Bureau retired,
0:41:48 > 0:41:51so we made a party to farewell him
0:41:51 > 0:41:55and our division made the performance
0:41:55 > 0:41:57to celebrate the retirement.
0:41:59 > 0:42:03# Hey, sexy lady... #
0:42:04 > 0:42:06I am in the middle. Still in the middle, look.
0:42:06 > 0:42:08# Hey, sexy lady. #
0:42:08 > 0:42:10And, now, Mr Commissioner,
0:42:10 > 0:42:13he will call me up like, "Gangnam, Gangnam.
0:42:13 > 0:42:14"Come here. Come here."
0:42:14 > 0:42:15# Hey, sexy lady #
0:42:15 > 0:42:17# Op, op, op, op
0:42:17 > 0:42:18# Eh-eh-eh, eh-eh-eh. #
0:42:18 > 0:42:21And I wonder, one day, he will remember my name?
0:42:21 > 0:42:23SONG ENDS
0:42:23 > 0:42:24No.
0:42:24 > 0:42:26CROWD CHEERS
0:42:36 > 0:42:40In downtown Bangkok, Melody's a step closer to getting home.
0:42:42 > 0:42:46Yesterday, she told the British Embassy she'd lost her passport,
0:42:46 > 0:42:49but today, a funny thing's happened.
0:42:49 > 0:42:51So, I found my passport...
0:42:51 > 0:42:54within another bit of hand luggage that I had...
0:42:54 > 0:42:58that had a bit of a rip in it and it was underneath,
0:42:58 > 0:43:02between a particular notebook that I use.
0:43:02 > 0:43:06I take it out, because I like to write notes, etc,
0:43:06 > 0:43:10and it was just floating in between.
0:43:10 > 0:43:12After reporting her passport missing,
0:43:12 > 0:43:14Melody wants to double-check it's still valid.
0:43:14 > 0:43:17- We spoke on the phone yesterday. I found my passport.- Oh, that's good.
0:43:17 > 0:43:20- I found my passport. - Glad to hear that.
0:43:20 > 0:43:23So I just thought I'd come to the embassy, out of courtesy,
0:43:23 > 0:43:24to see yourself.
0:43:24 > 0:43:28Maybe so you can make sure that this is valid.
0:43:28 > 0:43:31- All right. - And not reported stolen, or lost.
0:43:31 > 0:43:34It's not the first time something like this has happened to Melody.
0:43:34 > 0:43:38I have got a track record of missing flights
0:43:38 > 0:43:41and being late everywhere, etc,
0:43:41 > 0:43:46but that's because I've got a busy schedule and I suppose
0:43:46 > 0:43:49leave everything to the last minute.
0:43:49 > 0:43:50Yeah, so...
0:43:50 > 0:43:54I suppose it is a little bit of a typical me. I throw my hands up.
0:43:54 > 0:43:56- Keeping it safe.- Yeah.
0:43:56 > 0:43:59You've got to laugh about it, ain't ya?
0:44:00 > 0:44:04A very relieved Melody can go ahead and book her flight home.
0:44:08 > 0:44:12Alicia and Georgia are also on their way back to Britain,
0:44:12 > 0:44:15none the worse for their Full Moon Party experience.
0:44:15 > 0:44:17One of these boys was, like, a proper weirdo
0:44:17 > 0:44:20and he just come up behind me and started dancing behind me,
0:44:20 > 0:44:22grabbing my hands and going like this...
0:44:22 > 0:44:25And I was like, "What the fuck are you doing? Fuck off!"
0:44:25 > 0:44:28And then we had to leave, because he was such a weirdo.
0:44:28 > 0:44:31Georgia ended up sleeping with him!
0:44:31 > 0:44:33GEORGIA SPLUTTERS
0:44:33 > 0:44:35THEY LAUGH
0:44:35 > 0:44:36No, I did not.
0:44:36 > 0:44:38I need a tissue.
0:44:39 > 0:44:41After all those budget hotels,
0:44:41 > 0:44:43the girls have decided to treat themselves.
0:44:43 > 0:44:47In-flight premium, because then the chair reclines
0:44:47 > 0:44:49and you get extra legroom and stuff.
0:44:49 > 0:44:52It's a long flight.
0:44:52 > 0:44:54We are seating you this time one by the aisle
0:44:54 > 0:44:56and one next to it, together.
0:44:56 > 0:44:59- OK.- One by the aisle and one by the exit?
0:44:59 > 0:45:01One next to...
0:45:01 > 0:45:04- One where?- Next to each other. - Next to each other.
0:45:04 > 0:45:07One aisle and one in the middle.
0:45:07 > 0:45:09They might have survived Thailand,
0:45:09 > 0:45:12but they didn't quite do it on a backpacker's budget.
0:45:12 > 0:45:14Shall we tell them how much we spent?
0:45:15 > 0:45:18We put all our money together...
0:45:18 > 0:45:19and, erm...
0:45:19 > 0:45:21You shouldn't tell them.
0:45:22 > 0:45:25We spent about five-and-a-half grand.
0:45:26 > 0:45:29Don't know how people do it on a grand.
0:45:29 > 0:45:32I was on the phone to my dad saying,
0:45:32 > 0:45:35"You couldn't send us 200 squid, could you?
0:45:35 > 0:45:37"Fatty ran out of money."
0:45:37 > 0:45:39At the departure gate, the friends take
0:45:39 > 0:45:42a few final moments to reflect on their experiences
0:45:42 > 0:45:45and the profound effect Thailand has had on them.
0:45:47 > 0:45:49We've definitely changed, though.
0:45:49 > 0:45:53We had dinner the other day and we found hair in the food.
0:45:53 > 0:45:56And usually, if I was in England, I'd be like...
0:45:56 > 0:46:01complaining, saying, "I'm not paying for this, it's disgusting."
0:46:01 > 0:46:06And I just pulled the hair out and carried on eating. I shocked myself.
0:46:09 > 0:46:12And on his way home to Yorkshire is Matt.
0:46:12 > 0:46:15- He'd kill for a meal with a hair in it.- Last thing I had to eat?
0:46:15 > 0:46:16Cockroach.
0:46:18 > 0:46:20Crunchy.
0:46:20 > 0:46:22After a night under the tourist police duvet,
0:46:22 > 0:46:26- he's not had much kip. - So I've had, what?
0:46:27 > 0:46:30I've had about five hours in the last 48 hours, I think.
0:46:30 > 0:46:32Well, I'm on my way home now.
0:46:34 > 0:46:36Last night, I couldn't see light at t'end of t'tunnel.
0:46:36 > 0:46:39Thought I were here for ever.
0:46:39 > 0:46:42Upstairs? Up that escalator? Thank you.
0:46:42 > 0:46:46After checking in for his flight to Manchester via Guangzhou in China,
0:46:46 > 0:46:49Matt has his hard-earned boarding pass in his hand.
0:46:51 > 0:46:53No, I won't lose that.
0:46:58 > 0:47:00I've misplaced my boarding pass.
0:47:00 > 0:47:03I think I've put it down when I've put my stuff through
0:47:03 > 0:47:05the x-ray machine and that.
0:47:05 > 0:47:07I don't understand where it's gone.
0:47:07 > 0:47:09"Matthew, Matthew J..."
0:47:11 > 0:47:15- You're waiting here for...the new... - New boarding pass.
0:47:15 > 0:47:17- Boarding pass, yes. - Right, no problem.
0:47:17 > 0:47:20Once again, the airport staff save the day. A replacement
0:47:20 > 0:47:24is issued, and Matt can finally get home to see his daughter.
0:47:24 > 0:47:27Thank you, yeah. Does that... Does everything match?
0:47:27 > 0:47:29Does it match with that?
0:47:29 > 0:47:32- Sorry. OK.- Thank you.- Welcome.
0:47:34 > 0:47:35I'll keep my eye on that.
0:47:37 > 0:47:39Zip.
0:47:39 > 0:47:42Can't wait to get on t'plane. Can't wait.
0:47:42 > 0:47:45It'll be the biggest hug she's ever had.
0:47:46 > 0:47:49Got to go. I can't talk about my daughter, it upsets me.
0:47:49 > 0:47:51See you later.
0:47:52 > 0:47:55Matt's on his way, but Paul's still
0:47:55 > 0:47:57got six hours to go before his flight takes off...
0:47:57 > 0:48:00although he's managing to pass the time...
0:48:04 > 0:48:05Cheers.
0:48:06 > 0:48:11SLURRED: From the minute I get up to the minute I go to sleep, I drink, so...
0:48:11 > 0:48:13That's it. I'm pure Scottish.
0:48:13 > 0:48:16It's in the blood.
0:48:16 > 0:48:19Paul may be Scottish, but his heart's in Thailand.
0:48:19 > 0:48:23I've been having a party since the minute I got here.
0:48:23 > 0:48:26I'm not actually pissing, it's an elephant,
0:48:26 > 0:48:29that has water coming out of it.
0:48:29 > 0:48:31That's my girlfriend.
0:48:31 > 0:48:34I love her to bits, miss her a lot.
0:48:34 > 0:48:36My dream would just be to stay here
0:48:36 > 0:48:39and not have to go back to work at all, you know.
0:48:41 > 0:48:45Paul's starting to feel sentimental, so he decides to go back
0:48:45 > 0:48:47into Bangkok and give his girlfriend a surprise.
0:48:47 > 0:48:50I've been here from 12 o'clock today.
0:48:50 > 0:48:53My flight's at two o'clock in the morning. I've had enough.
0:48:53 > 0:48:55I just want go back...
0:48:55 > 0:48:58I've checked in, but I'm away to check out again.
0:48:58 > 0:49:00But he's already passed through Immigration. He can check in
0:49:00 > 0:49:04any time he likes, but he can never leave, except on a plane.
0:49:04 > 0:49:07- You've got to board a plane. - Yeah, but I already changed, I've already been through
0:49:07 > 0:49:10- and come back again. - You cannot...back outside.
0:49:10 > 0:49:12If I go to change flights, I can do.
0:49:12 > 0:49:16You cannot outside, because you can see - "passenger".
0:49:19 > 0:49:22The airport has put its foot down.
0:49:24 > 0:49:28There's nothing for it, but to have another drink.
0:49:28 > 0:49:30I have to pay with card.
0:49:30 > 0:49:32I cannot...
0:49:32 > 0:49:33Aw, for fuck's sake.
0:49:35 > 0:49:38- Because she's drunk. - She's running away.
0:49:38 > 0:49:40Paul's not the only one who's had a few tonight.
0:49:40 > 0:49:42Blackburn girls Becky, Jenny
0:49:42 > 0:49:46and Courtney are on their way home after the holiday of a lifetime.
0:49:46 > 0:49:47It's been the best holiday ever.
0:49:47 > 0:49:51Like, literally, I can't even put into words how good it actually is.
0:49:51 > 0:49:53And I can't even...
0:49:53 > 0:49:55I actually cried.
0:49:55 > 0:49:58All the fireworks went off, and a little tear came down my face
0:49:58 > 0:50:01and then I went, "Oh, forget it, it's happening."
0:50:01 > 0:50:03And I just burst out into tears.
0:50:03 > 0:50:07- It was so funny. It was amazing. - Magaluf, never again.
0:50:07 > 0:50:11Zante, never again. Thailand, every year.
0:50:11 > 0:50:12For ever.
0:50:12 > 0:50:15Sounds like the partying went on till the very last minute.
0:50:17 > 0:50:21We ended up having a few drinks, singing along to all the songs.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24Yeah, there was a band playing Oasis and everything.
0:50:24 > 0:50:27# So, Sally can wait... #
0:50:27 > 0:50:30And we were loving it. So we were like, "We don't want to go."
0:50:30 > 0:50:33So it got to 11 o'clock, we were like, "Right, we need to board."
0:50:33 > 0:50:36And we were like, "10 more minutes, 15 more minutes."
0:50:36 > 0:50:39And then half an hour. 11.30, we said, "Right, we need to go."
0:50:39 > 0:50:42Can I see boarding pass, please?
0:50:42 > 0:50:45- OK. This way, please.- Thank you.
0:50:45 > 0:50:48On check-in tonight is Officer Nook, still single,
0:50:48 > 0:50:50still smiling.
0:50:50 > 0:50:52But those last few drinks could prove costly
0:50:52 > 0:50:55if the friends don't make their gate in time.
0:50:55 > 0:50:59Oh, gosh. This is so much... This is so much stress right now.
0:51:05 > 0:51:08What is this place? What do we do here?
0:51:09 > 0:51:14- OK, we're flying...- It's 1.23 and we need to board at 1.30.
0:51:14 > 0:51:17Right, so we've got six minutes to get to our gate.
0:51:18 > 0:51:21The girls aren't the only ones having trouble.
0:51:22 > 0:51:26- Paul's got his gate number, but he can't find the gate.- C8?
0:51:26 > 0:51:28ALARM BUZZES
0:51:28 > 0:51:29Yep...
0:51:29 > 0:51:32- C8?- C8?- C8.
0:51:37 > 0:51:39Here?
0:51:48 > 0:51:50I think I'm in the wrong bit.
0:51:50 > 0:51:52- Ah!- Right, Jenny, hurry up.
0:51:54 > 0:51:56But no matter how late you are for boarding,
0:51:56 > 0:51:59- you've got to make time for the essentials.- Excuse me.
0:51:59 > 0:52:03- Where can I get a smoke? - Jenny, we really need to go.
0:52:03 > 0:52:07- We really, really need to go. - Take your time.- All right, Mum.
0:52:07 > 0:52:09Bye-bye, bye...
0:52:09 > 0:52:13- Why don't we have a look on this board, see where we are?- YOLO.
0:52:14 > 0:52:18- There!- Where? Oh, God, I'm scared.
0:52:19 > 0:52:23- I think we should run. How is this even happening?- Shut up.
0:52:23 > 0:52:25Right, hurry up. I think there's about five people left.
0:52:25 > 0:52:28We actually do need to be really quick.
0:52:28 > 0:52:31The girls make their flight in the nick of time.
0:52:33 > 0:52:34Oh, my gosh!
0:52:34 > 0:52:38Meanwhile, Paul's epic journey is nearing an end.
0:52:38 > 0:52:40We're getting there, we're getting there.
0:52:40 > 0:52:42We're getting there.
0:52:48 > 0:52:50At last, he's tracked down gate C8.
0:52:52 > 0:52:55But after all that walking, he decides to take a short nap,
0:52:55 > 0:52:58just as boarding gets under way.
0:53:00 > 0:53:01And as the plane fills up,
0:53:01 > 0:53:04Paul goes almost unnoticed behind the partition.
0:53:05 > 0:53:08# Hello, hello
0:53:08 > 0:53:11# Is there anybody in there? #
0:53:11 > 0:53:14Then, just as the gate is about to close,
0:53:14 > 0:53:16an eagle eyed airport official spots him.
0:53:16 > 0:53:18Hello?
0:53:26 > 0:53:30After a few anxious moments, they manage to revive him.
0:53:41 > 0:53:43And after checking on his well-being,
0:53:43 > 0:53:46Paul is helped gently on board.
0:53:46 > 0:53:49So, it's goodbye to the Airport of Smiles,
0:53:49 > 0:53:52but you can always get another drink on the plane...
0:53:59 > 0:54:01Next time at Bangkok Airport,
0:54:01 > 0:54:03it's the annual awards for customer service...
0:54:03 > 0:54:08I loves my work, I loves my job, I love tourists.
0:54:08 > 0:54:11..but not everyone's impressed with the airport's service.
0:54:11 > 0:54:14That's impossible. That is impossible.
0:54:14 > 0:54:15That doesn't work from me at all.
0:54:15 > 0:54:18A British backpacker puts his foot in it...
0:54:18 > 0:54:20This is it from two days later.
0:54:20 > 0:54:23It is quite gruesome.
0:54:23 > 0:54:26..we meet the singing doctor with his own fan club...
0:54:26 > 0:54:31- and more high jinks in Departures. - The passenger, they strip.
0:54:31 > 0:54:34- They take off their clothes. - Fuck me, that's strong.
0:54:34 > 0:54:37..when we check in again at Bangkok airport.