0:00:00 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language and scenes of a sexual nature
0:00:04 > 0:00:05No, no. Listen, listen!
0:00:05 > 0:00:07We'll get on with the comedy acting.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09The comedy stuff. Is that all right?
0:00:09 > 0:00:11- OK. - HE CLEARS THROAT
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Ooh, no! Ooh, no, Mrs!
0:00:14 > 0:00:18No! No! You shut your face, you!
0:00:18 > 0:00:21No, not on your nelly! Titter ye not!
0:00:21 > 0:00:26Titter ye not! Nay, nay and thrice nay. Yay again, nay!
0:00:26 > 0:00:30I'll do an encore. I don't usually do an encore until the end. If I get to the end.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36# They say for every boy and girl
0:00:36 > 0:00:38# There's just one love In this whole world
0:00:38 > 0:00:45# And I know, I've found mine
0:00:47 > 0:00:52# The heavenly touch of your embrace Tells me no-one Could take your place
0:00:52 > 0:00:58# E-e-ever in my heart
0:01:00 > 0:01:05- # Young love,- (young love) - # First love,- (first love)
0:01:05 > 0:01:11# Filled with true devotion
0:01:13 > 0:01:15- # Young love,- (young love)
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- # Our love,- (our love)
0:01:18 > 0:01:21# We share with deep... #
0:01:23 > 0:01:26I suppose you'll go into politics?
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Yes. You a True Blue?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Ooh, I don't like Labour people.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33No, no, no. They're all po-faced.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37All seem to have this terrible...problem with their hair.
0:01:37 > 0:01:42- Not like you.- We're very honoured to have you here. I'll introduce you, and then...
0:01:42 > 0:01:47- you can expect a warm hand on your entrance.- Yes. You've done your homework, you. Oh!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Are you...?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52It's my back, Sheridan. I'm a martyr.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Would you, um... Would you...
0:01:58 > 0:02:00..Be a pal?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10We're low on Get Your Titters Out.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Well, I can't do anything about that now, can I?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Sheridan, President of the Oxford Union, this is Mr Heymer, my, er...
0:02:16 > 0:02:19manager and my chauffeur.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- I can see to him now, thank you.. - Excellent.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I'm getting too old for this.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- Too old for what? - Should really give it up.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Ooh! On with the motley.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Give us a kiss, then.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I'm not giving you a kiss.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Go on.
0:02:37 > 0:02:43- Dennis...you won't forget to heckle me, will you?- No, I bloody won't.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47CHEERING AND HECKLING
0:02:57 > 0:03:02I'm not, you know, well, you don't know, but you'll believe me when I tell you, I'm not what you'd call
0:03:02 > 0:03:07a clever clogs, you know, sort of...O-levels and A-levels. Nothing like that, no, no, no.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Being students, I'm not what you'd call an academic.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15- By no way could you call me an intellectual.- Hear, hear.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20- Which is why I feel so at home here tonight. - LAUGHTER
0:03:21 > 0:03:25You shut your face, you! He's mocking! He's mocking Francis.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27He's mocking your Francis.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34Well, I'm going to tell this story about a gamekeeper, right. This gamekeeper
0:03:34 > 0:03:38used to go round the woods all the time, you know, with his gun looking for game.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40In the woods to shoot.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43And he comes across this coppice.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45It's a coppice!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47A coppice in a wood.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Yes, please, missus, please! Pay attention.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57And oh, there's this girl! A beautiful girl.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Yes! In this coppice, and she's beautiful.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03A coppice! A coppice in a wood. Yes,
0:04:03 > 0:04:05please, missus... please pay attention.
0:04:14 > 0:04:19- Were you nervous? - Me? Nervous?- I mean, standing up in front of the Queen.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Never had a moment's trouble with nerves in my life.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24He's all right, Rodge. Big funny-looking fella over there.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27I used to love him on Variety Bandbox.
0:04:27 > 0:04:32- 'Stars is all the same. Last Christmas, he offered me ten bob to wank him off.'- Ten bob?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Yeah, stingy bastard. You know, he's the highest paid entertainer in the country.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Even Gilbert Harding give me a fiver.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I'm sick of being a comic.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47In any case, I want to be an actor.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Yes, in the coppice... And well, she's beautiful, yes.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00And, you know, he... she looked at him.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05He, you know, looked at her.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11He said, um... "Excuse me,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14but are you game?" She said, "Yes".
0:05:14 > 0:05:16So he shot her.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19LAUGHTER
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I'm just gonna go and powder my nose.
0:05:44 > 0:05:50- I like your girlfriend. Very nice. - Jane's my companion, not my girlfriend.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53The kind of "girls" I usually go for...I prefer
0:05:53 > 0:05:56girls with shorter hair and rather flatter chests, you understand.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59The kind who don't expect too much in return.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Were you breast-fed?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06No, I'm serious. Were you breast-fed? I mean, by your mother.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I don't suppose I was, no.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I was. Every day.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11I couldn't get enough of it.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15They used to have to pull me off her like a limpet. Do you ever feel the urge
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- to return to the womb? - I don't think my mum'd let me.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22She doesn't much like me living in the back bedroom.
0:06:23 > 0:06:28- Oh!- What? What? It's my back. - I've terrible trouble with it.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Where's the boss? Come on, where is he? LADY SHRIEKS
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Come here, you!
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Rather you than me.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41'Ooh, no! Oh, no, missus!'
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Oh, no!
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Titter ye not! Titter ye not!
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Nay, nay and thrice nay! And yay again, nay!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Bugger it!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07All coming out in a torrent now!
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- 'Yes, well, you can't lie there all night, can you?' - 'Whatever you like.'
0:07:36 > 0:07:42- 'Very good-looking, aren't you? I haven't got as much money as you'd think.'- 'Didn't ask for money.'
0:07:42 > 0:07:44No, not yet.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Nice to meet you...Dennis.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54I can stay.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12'When I was a little boy in Eltam, I was very timid.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15'I was a very shy boy, yes. And I put that down'
0:08:15 > 0:08:16to breast-feeding.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21Oh, no, don't, please. Listen! Listen! After I was born,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24my mother went back to her job in the chocolate factory.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29And she left my father, who was unemployed, to look after me at home.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32And you know, he used to breast-feed me.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Don't! Please! You're not taking this seriously.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37He used to, you know, warm the bottle up.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40He used to stick it up his vest. He'd make a little hole.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44He'd make a little hole here. He'd stick the teat through the hole.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Well, cos people used to make their own entertainment in those days.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Well, once again, let's say welcome to What's My Line
0:09:02 > 0:09:05and start off in the usual way, by introducing the experts.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08I don't need you to help me.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- Top of the table, we have David Nixon.- Good evening.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15'I wish you wouldn't do that'
0:09:15 > 0:09:19- in front of the television set. - Well, they can't see us, Mum.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21And our very special guest, Mr Frankie Howerd.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Don't like Frankie Howerd.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35I prefer Eamonn Andrews, even if he is a bloody Mick.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Bloody hell, Dennis!
0:09:39 > 0:09:41I can smell that from here!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Don't he smell like a tart, Bob?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46'All right, all clear. We start with Frankie Howerd,'
0:09:46 > 0:09:49'and we'll tell you that Mr Rosenthal is wage-earning.'
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Frankie?
0:09:55 > 0:09:59'What the bleedin' hell's his problem?'
0:09:59 > 0:10:03'Is it then one of the main services that go to people's houses?'
0:10:03 > 0:10:06'No...let's go back to Frankie.'
0:10:14 > 0:10:16LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:27PHONE RINGS
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Who is it?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- 'It's Dennis'.- Dennis who?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50'Dennis Heymer'.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54We were at Chequers together. Do you remember? And the man with the gun came.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- Yes.- 'I saw What's My Line.'
0:10:59 > 0:11:03I just thought I'd, um... I thought I'd call to see if you were OK.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Um...were you nervous?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Well, of course I was fucking nervous.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10'I'm useless if I haven't got a script.'
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- Oh, I'm sorry.- 'I've always been nervy. I had an audition'
0:11:13 > 0:11:17for RADA once. My poor mother packed me a bag of cheese and onion sandwiches,
0:11:17 > 0:11:23and I was trembling so much during To Be Or Not To Be", I lobbed them right in Dame Helen Haye's tits.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Are you going to be OK?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Oh, it was a bloody disaster.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Here we go.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- Happy birthday.- Cheers, mate!
0:11:43 > 0:11:47- Cheers!- Thanks for coming. - You all right?
0:11:47 > 0:11:52Yeah, it's just that I invited someone, but they haven't, um...
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Fuck me.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Oh, no. Oh, no, I meant my agent.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05He's very nice. Yes! Very nice, but he's always a scruffy man.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I mean, they call him Scruffy. I mean, don't they, Jane?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Scruffy Dale?
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Yes. He's on the Uxbridge Road, if you want to check, above a pub.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19Yes. He sits there in his pyjamas most days, you know, fag ash down his you-knows.
0:12:19 > 0:12:25The thing is, I'm not important to him. He's got all these other artistes, you see. Oh, no, please.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I mean, he's got Rusty,
0:12:27 > 0:12:31and his pigeon friends, which are very, very popular in Bridlington.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34And he's got, he's got Windy Blow and his balloons.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Yes, you should see where he puts those balloons. They'd make your eyes water.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46I used to love you on Variety Bandbox.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Yes, it was a very popular...programme. Ohhh!
0:13:03 > 0:13:05What's up?
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Well, it's emotional isn't it, you know, the cork coming out of the bottle.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13I get a bit anxious sometimes.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18I think it's coming back... I used to have a terrible stammer when I was a boy.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19You grow out of a stammer.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Yes, you'll be wanting to pop off.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Nah, I can stay.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Morning.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Yes, make yourself at home, young man.- You want some eggs?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- Yes, wife!- You any family?
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Yes, my mother and my sister.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I love them both very dearly. No, I do.
0:13:49 > 0:13:54- Always been very good to me. Made me feel very special. - Your dad still on the go?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56No, he's dead.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Extremely.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Kids, I'd like.
0:14:00 > 0:14:05- What about Jane?- No! I could never physically go about making one.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I'm not sure I'd like to inflict myself on a child, either.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12I thought for ages that my mother was dead.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16She, um...ran off with a bloke when I was evacuated.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20And I think that's what she wanted them to say. You know, that she was dead.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22What was it like when she came back?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- It was a surprise, wannit?- Yes!
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I'd love to meet your mother.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31She sounds very nice. She look after you?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Oh, no, I look after her.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Well, I think you need someone to look after you.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43That's just the problem with being well-known.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47People say they wanna look after you, but they're only after hanging on. Or a job.
0:15:00 > 0:15:05# I may be right, I may be wrong, you know you're gonna Miss me when I'm gone... #
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Can't Scruffy get you better than that?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12He's not seeing to you right.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14You'd think 10% of what you earn...
0:15:14 > 0:15:18I don't want to turn things down, do I? I don't want a reputation.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- You'll never have a reputation, Frank.- How did it go, Mr Howerd?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Another bloody disaster. I was shitting myself with nerves.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Frank! Sit up in the front if you want, Frank, love.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- Janie and me will be in the back.- The star doesn't sit in the front, Mum.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35I'll go in the front.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I've always wanted to go to the BBC. Nice, innit?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Take us to the Savoy, will you?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Certainly.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52You can't keep staying, though.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Am I red?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Dennis, we've got to be discreet.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I'm trying to get things back on track.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02If anyone knew I was queer, it'd do for me.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Where are we heading today, then?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Where am I taking you?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28'Oh, it's a sad story.'
0:16:28 > 0:16:34A sad story, yes. Get your aahs out. Your aahs, dear, yes. Terrible tragedy.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Yes. Tragedy!
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Turmoil after turmoil! There's a girl here crying her eyes out.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40I shouldn't be doing comedy.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43You know, I should be doing drama.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44But I did do drama. Yes!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46You should have seen my Bottom.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I can't, I can't.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55In that case, get out of the production!
0:16:55 > 0:17:00Get out of the production! You can't threaten the livelihoods of the others because of your incompetence.
0:17:00 > 0:17:05Get out if you're going to soil yourself every weeknight and twice on Thursdays.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20'My Bottom attracted some warm appreciation, yes.'
0:17:20 > 0:17:23They tittered at Francis' Bottom. Yes.
0:17:45 > 0:17:52Do you find my genitals attractive, Dennis? Don't subject them to parliamentary scrutiny.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Yeah. Yeah.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Not bad.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Where do you think it comes from?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Where does your attraction to the male parsnip come from?
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Don't know. I don't particularly think about it. No point worrying, is there?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Beautiful and brainless.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11And a natural blonde.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Do you like mine?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Yes. Half the time.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Beforehand, yes, I do.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Turn round.
0:18:28 > 0:18:34What, and present you with a nice clean pair of buttocks for your perusal and delectation?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- Not on your nelly. - Frank, turn round.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Look at yourself.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56You're a lovely man, Frank.
0:18:56 > 0:19:02You're funny and you've got presence, but you've got to calm down a bit about everything.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04It's dirty.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10I love you.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16I love you.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23You'll have to make yourself scarce in the morning.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Yeah, course.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- Discreet.- I've got a doctor coming.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- Why, what's up? - I've got a doctor coming to talk.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31I think I need it.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35I asked him to come. It's my nerves.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38I can't work.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34No! Stop it, Dennis. Stop it!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I'm all right. Sorry, I didn't know there was a menage.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- Fuck off!- Can I have my jacket?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- Fuck off, or I'll fill your fucking face in!- I won't have violence!
0:20:42 > 0:20:47- I bought you a fucking Monopoly set! - Get out of my flat, you poof!- Frank!
0:20:47 > 0:20:52- You know perfectly well you wouldn't be here if I wasn't who I am.- Frank! - Fuck off! Fuck off!
0:21:09 > 0:21:14# They say for every boy and girl There's just one love In this whole world... #
0:21:14 > 0:21:16What you been up to, Dennis?
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Bit of driving.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24- Do you want one? - Who for?- Frankie Howerd.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28No wonder you're back here. He's fucked, in't he?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Ta-ta.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40- # Young love,- (young love) - First love,- (first love)
0:21:40 > 0:21:46# Filled with true devotion... #
0:21:47 > 0:21:50What the bloody hell are you moping around for?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52You've been in my way all morning.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- Mum?- She mucking you around?- Mum...
0:21:55 > 0:21:59You're too soft, Dennis, always have been.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01You fall for people and you go all doe-eyed.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05You want to get out there and make some hay while the sun shines.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07You don't want to be tied down, your age.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Well, you'd know, wouldn't you?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Don't speak to me like that, Dennis.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- I'm trying to dust. - Do you want a hand?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17I can manage on me own, thanks.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22DENNIS SOBS
0:22:25 > 0:22:27What kind of a man are you?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47'I don't much feel like it tonight.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49'And I'm usually so vivacious.'
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I mean, people say "That's Francis.
0:22:51 > 0:22:58"He's so vivacious". I feel... I feel...I feel...I feel limp.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02LAUGHTER
0:23:04 > 0:23:07'You know, I should be in bed.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08'I should be in bed.'
0:23:08 > 0:23:13- Anyone? - LAUGHTER - Oh, get back! Get back!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37She, er...
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- she wants you to come back.- Well, she can come herself, can't she?
0:23:40 > 0:23:44- She's right down. - I know how she feels.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46She's, er...
0:23:48 > 0:23:51..She's got himself into trouble, Dennis.
0:23:51 > 0:23:57- Scruffy's done a runner with about 80 grand of his money.- Really?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00'What's she doing sending a friend? She that high and bloody mighty?'
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Don't shut that door!
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Jane, I don't want to be hidden away all the time.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I was quite comfy with it, before he came along.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Then I met him and he makes it...
0:24:13 > 0:24:16uncomfortable. And not just cos we have to hide it for work.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20You're yourselves at home, aren't you?
0:24:20 > 0:24:25- Yeah, but it's just backgammon and tidying up.- We get a lot of glamour out of him, you and me.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29I'm not bothered about the glamour. I thought I was, but I'm not.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31The glamour's not the thing I'm in it for.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Listen.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35He said to say that he loves you.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Are you taking the piss out of me?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40He said that he loves you, Dennis.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47Well...he never told me that.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Well, that's what he asked me to say.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51That he loves you very much,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54and he needs you.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56He needs you, Dennis.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Really?
0:25:03 > 0:25:08I'm not going to stay locked in that spare room for ever. Not if you really need me. Do you need me?
0:25:08 > 0:25:12- I said I did.- Yep.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15I know we'll have to be discreet. I understand that.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17But I can look after you.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21- If you want. Is that what you want? - Yes.- Yes.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25I can clean your clothes because sometimes, I'm sorry, but you look a disgrace.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29I can sort out your household stuff. And we can do a bit of work getting your jobs coming in.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Get you back where you should be.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Right?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39I missed you.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Well, I missed you.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Come in! Come in!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Now, dear, this is Dennis.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10He's my new manager.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Didn't you used to drive him?
0:26:12 > 0:26:18- Yeah. Yeah.- Well, you'll have to give me some suggestions or two.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20I could never manage him.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24- Oh, he's no trouble, Mrs Howerd. He's a joy, really.- Yes, he is.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26We're proud of him.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Aren't we proud of you, Frank?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32I made you your jelly, love.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Is work all right?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39A load of bloody rubbish.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44I don't like this house, Mum.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48- Why don't you sell it, and I can buy you a new one? - I'm settled here.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51It's been a happy house.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55You look like the Cheshire Cat.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Be discreet!
0:27:03 > 0:27:07I used to bring you it home from the factory, didn't I, love?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Bit of chocolate.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14I always tried and gave them a little treat every day, even if it was just
0:27:14 > 0:27:17half an hour of playing or whatever.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19It's important for kids.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24That the three of you?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27That's the two of us...
0:27:27 > 0:27:30and Frank senior.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Do you want a bit more jelly, love?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Yes, I'll get it.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42You been in show business long?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Oh, no. Not long. Not really.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45What was your line before?
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Er, I was a waiter.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50And before that I delivered bread for the Co-op.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51Oh!
0:27:55 > 0:27:56She's mutt.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58She's mutt. Mutt!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00She's mutt and Jeff.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04Means deaf. They're there if you dig deep.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06'I shan't book him again, Mr Heymer.'
0:28:06 > 0:28:09I'm afraid his entrance is much too vulgar for Scarborough.
0:28:09 > 0:28:17I told him, what he wants to do is smarten himself up a bit, come on, and say, "How are you?
0:28:17 > 0:28:19"Are all your cars parked nicely?
0:28:19 > 0:28:22"Are all your cars parked nicely?"
0:28:22 > 0:28:24I told him he could have that one.
0:28:24 > 0:28:29- What did he say? - He said thanks for putting him right.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31I'm really chasing Tommy Steele.
0:28:31 > 0:28:36I told him "You're on your way out, aren't you?
0:28:36 > 0:28:39"You've been round a bit too long, Frankie".
0:28:43 > 0:28:47That may be your opinion... and it may be true.
0:28:47 > 0:28:52But if you say anything like that to him again, I'll kick your fucking bollocks off.
0:28:52 > 0:28:56'..He says to her, "Do you want to go to sleep now or what?"'
0:28:56 > 0:28:58She says "What?"
0:28:59 > 0:29:03We've got an hour of this, so try and reconcile yourselves with it.
0:29:07 > 0:29:08Got any kippers?
0:29:30 > 0:29:32It's rather a lot, isn't it, a thousand?
0:29:32 > 0:29:35Well, what is it usually, when you don't bother telling me?
0:29:36 > 0:29:39Do you want me to tell the truth about that?
0:29:39 > 0:29:42- Why did you open my post? - I answer your fan mail.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44You asked me to.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52I'm not going to get angry with you, cos you need to do what you need to do.
0:29:52 > 0:29:56But if you want to get the jobs, you've got to pack this sort of thing in.
0:29:58 > 0:30:04- This bloke won't go to the law, but someone else might.- I'm sorry, Dennis. I'll be a bit more careful.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Well, that'd be a start, yes.
0:30:09 > 0:30:13- I won't ever do it. That was the last time.- Don't make promises you can't keep.
0:30:13 > 0:30:18- I want to keep it, Dennis. I don't want to send you away.- Oh, you won't.
0:30:18 > 0:30:22I've been reading about this new kind of thing.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24I think it might make me better.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Your valium's in your case.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49Have you got the photos?
0:31:26 > 0:31:30- What's all this?- The first course will be Sodium Amytal.
0:31:30 > 0:31:34I'll then give you 80 gamma of LSD to start with.
0:31:34 > 0:31:40It'll take about 20 minutes, and you'll feel a little warmer, and there'll be some flashing lights.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42What, you lay those on, do you?
0:31:42 > 0:31:44No, in your mind's eye.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46And you'll experience euphoria.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48I bloody hope so.
0:31:48 > 0:31:52I'll then give you some Ritalin to concentrate your thoughts.
0:31:52 > 0:31:56You should use the photographs and props.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58And write it down. Or draw.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01Mr Howerd will be needing some time on his own.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06- I'll come and get you Monday. - And don't be late.
0:33:22 > 0:33:26'It makes you feel soiled in some way?
0:33:27 > 0:33:31- 'Dirty?'- 'It's a sad story, yes...
0:33:31 > 0:33:33'It's a sad story.'
0:33:33 > 0:33:35Get your aahs out.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38HE SOBS
0:33:40 > 0:33:42Listen! Listen!
0:33:45 > 0:33:48Don't laugh, it's wicked to mock these things.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53He's mocking your Francis!
0:34:31 > 0:34:33How did it go?
0:34:33 > 0:34:35Oh, what's the matter?
0:34:36 > 0:34:39No, please. Don't cuddle me out on the street, Dennis.
0:34:59 > 0:35:03I'm trying to get you a couple of weeks in Butlin's.
0:35:03 > 0:35:04Filey.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15No. No, don't. I haven't got a libido.
0:35:15 > 0:35:16I'm worn out.
0:35:18 > 0:35:22Do you know how long it's been since you touched my dick?
0:35:22 > 0:35:24No. I don't keep those facts at my fingertips.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26Since my birthday.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28When was that?
0:35:40 > 0:35:44- Is he all right?- He's fine.
0:35:44 > 0:35:48Just having a bit of a rest. He wanted me to give you the housekeeping.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53Is he all right?
0:35:58 > 0:35:59He's nervy.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13CAR DOOR OPENS
0:36:16 > 0:36:18DOOR SHUTS
0:36:18 > 0:36:22- What good is it going over and over everything? You think too much. - How can I stop myself thinking?
0:36:22 > 0:36:25- Oh, I dunno.- I've got nothing else to do than think!
0:36:25 > 0:36:29It breaks my heart! You should see yourself...when you come back.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31I...I feel as if you're cheating on me.
0:36:31 > 0:36:36I cheat when I go down under Waterloo Bridge. I cheat when I get a dresser to suck me off. Not then.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38Well, why do you need to talk?
0:36:38 > 0:36:40It makes you worse!
0:36:42 > 0:36:43Because I hate the way I am.
0:36:43 > 0:36:47It's dirty and it's disgusting, and I don't want people knowing.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50And what we do together makes me want to vomit.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53I've fucking had it!
0:38:22 > 0:38:25How was she? Your mother.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28She was all right, thanks.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30I don't think my mother's very well.
0:38:38 > 0:38:42MUSIC: "Garden Of Eden" by Frankie Vaughan
0:38:43 > 0:38:46# When you walk in the garden
0:38:46 > 0:38:49# In the garden of Eden
0:38:49 > 0:38:52# With a beautiful woman
0:38:52 > 0:38:56# And you know how you care
0:38:56 > 0:38:58# And the voice in the garden
0:38:58 > 0:39:02# In the garden of Eden
0:39:02 > 0:39:07# Tells you she is forbidden Can you leave her there?
0:39:07 > 0:39:11# When you're yearning for loving
0:39:11 > 0:39:13# And she touches your hand
0:39:13 > 0:39:20# And your heart starts a-pounding And you're feeling so grand
0:39:20 > 0:39:24# Can you leave her to heaven?
0:39:24 > 0:39:27# And obey the command?
0:39:27 > 0:39:30# Can you walk from the garden?
0:39:30 > 0:39:33# Does your heart understand?
0:39:33 > 0:39:35# And that voice in the garden
0:39:35 > 0:39:40# In the garden of Eden
0:39:40 > 0:39:47# Tells you she is forbidden Can you leave her there?
0:39:48 > 0:39:55# Can you leave her there? #
0:40:21 > 0:40:24I'm trying to get you work, Frank. You gotta work.
0:40:24 > 0:40:28- I don't want it.- Why don't you try and get out the flat, then? Play tennis or something.
0:40:28 > 0:40:32- Tennis, Dennis?- Yes, you like tennis, it cheers you up.
0:40:32 > 0:40:38I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth,
0:40:38 > 0:40:40forgone all custom of exercises,
0:40:40 > 0:40:44and indeed, it goes so heavily with my disposition
0:40:44 > 0:40:48that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52HE BREAKS WIND
0:40:52 > 0:40:55Oh, it's bitter out.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01'I won't have to put up with any more bloody psychiatrists.'
0:41:01 > 0:41:03What a bloody relief!
0:41:05 > 0:41:09OK, all right, but I'll have to go round his house first.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12Pick up a few things, you know.
0:41:12 > 0:41:13Tell him I'm going.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17OK.
0:41:17 > 0:41:18Bye-bye.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32- That you?- Of course it's me.
0:41:32 > 0:41:33I'm not stopping.
0:41:33 > 0:41:38- Cos you know we've not been getting along, Frank... - My mother's had a stroke, Den.
0:41:38 > 0:41:39She's going to die.
0:41:57 > 0:41:58I don't know what I'll do.
0:42:00 > 0:42:01Do you want your Valium?
0:42:12 > 0:42:13Thank you.
0:42:26 > 0:42:29It bothers me sometimes...
0:42:29 > 0:42:32we didn't meet when things were destined to be better. You know,
0:42:32 > 0:42:34- you and me.- Doesn't bother me.
0:42:34 > 0:42:36Maybe for your sake.
0:42:38 > 0:42:42Was a bit more fun when you were big, but that's not what I fell in love with.
0:42:42 > 0:42:43I wasn't any happier.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45You know,
0:42:45 > 0:42:50you worry about losing it when you've got it, and you worry about getting it back when it's gone.
0:43:02 > 0:43:08- Listen. Frank, I know this isn't a good time, but...- I've started to know it's not the work, Dennis...
0:43:10 > 0:43:12..It's the people...
0:43:12 > 0:43:14that count.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18I've been thinking.
0:43:18 > 0:43:20I've... I've been thinking practically.
0:43:20 > 0:43:25There's no use me just working two or three months a year and...
0:43:25 > 0:43:32well, we can't rely on a waiter's wage. Why don't we sell up and buy a pub?
0:43:34 > 0:43:36You could run a pub, couldn't you?
0:43:36 > 0:43:37You're not serious.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40No, I am.
0:43:43 > 0:43:44Right?
0:44:07 > 0:44:09What time is it?
0:44:09 > 0:44:11It's half-one.
0:44:13 > 0:44:15Hm!
0:44:15 > 0:44:17He was always a good sleeper.
0:44:24 > 0:44:25Dennis.
0:44:28 > 0:44:32You must promise me that you'll look after him.
0:44:40 > 0:44:42He needs looking after, Dennis.
0:44:45 > 0:44:49I need to know that he's being seen to.
0:44:52 > 0:44:54But what about me?
0:44:54 > 0:44:57He loves you back, doesn't he?
0:45:01 > 0:45:06I...I don't know how you've got yourself set up...
0:45:07 > 0:45:11..but there has to be one of you who makes things peaceful.
0:47:06 > 0:47:09Put it on the teapot, will you?
0:47:09 > 0:47:13- It doesn't make it any better putting it on the teapot.- It does. It steams it.
0:47:13 > 0:47:17It keeps its contours. Bette Davis told me.
0:47:17 > 0:47:20Yeah, well, I think she was taking the piss out of you.
0:47:24 > 0:47:29Listen, I'm going to stay at my mother's tonight. All right? You gonna be all right on your own?
0:47:31 > 0:47:33Hmm? I said, I'm going to stay at my mum's.
0:47:33 > 0:47:35Will you be all right on your own?
0:47:35 > 0:47:37Frank!
0:47:37 > 0:47:40Where are you really going?
0:47:40 > 0:47:42To my mum's.
0:47:43 > 0:47:46Do you want to know why I feel the need to see a psychiatrist?
0:47:46 > 0:47:50Well, it's because you don't want to be queer. That's become very plain.
0:47:52 > 0:47:59It's because in that bedroom where she died...my father used to get hold of me.
0:48:00 > 0:48:03He'd lock the door.
0:48:03 > 0:48:07He'd hold my neck tight with these great spiky fingers...
0:48:09 > 0:48:12..and he'd push my head down and make me suck his dick.
0:48:15 > 0:48:19Let me get this out of the way, because I'm not going to tell you again.
0:48:21 > 0:48:23He'd either come in angry...
0:48:25 > 0:48:28..and he'd strip me off and beat me or scald me...
0:48:29 > 0:48:31..Or he'd come in drunk and do that.
0:48:34 > 0:48:36I don't think Mum knew,
0:48:36 > 0:48:39not until later.
0:48:39 > 0:48:41Eventually it stopped.
0:48:41 > 0:48:45He did something similar to a kid across the road.
0:48:47 > 0:48:49She threw him out.
0:48:49 > 0:48:51Then he died.
0:48:59 > 0:49:01Frank...
0:49:03 > 0:49:05PHONE RINGS
0:49:13 > 0:49:14PHONE KEEPS RINGING
0:49:26 > 0:49:27Hello?
0:49:30 > 0:49:32No, no. No time like the present.
0:49:34 > 0:49:36Nothing much.
0:49:39 > 0:49:40Really?
0:49:43 > 0:49:45OK, Max, thank you.
0:49:45 > 0:49:47Goodbye.
0:49:47 > 0:49:50What?
0:49:50 > 0:49:53They want me to do the Evening Standard Awards again.
0:49:53 > 0:49:56That's nice.
0:49:56 > 0:50:00Right, just do this one last thing, and then get out of it.
0:50:02 > 0:50:07- Frank, I don't know what to say about your dad...- I said I wouldn't talk about it again. You know now.
0:50:07 > 0:50:10Well, are you sure you wanna get out?
0:50:10 > 0:50:12Get that pub?
0:50:15 > 0:50:18I've never been more sure of anything.
0:50:25 > 0:50:29I'm variety, you know. I'm not satire. Not made for this.
0:50:29 > 0:50:33- I'm not going to miss it.- And now, to say a few words, Frankie Howerd!
0:50:33 > 0:50:36APPLAUSE
0:50:37 > 0:50:40I love you, Dennis.
0:50:51 > 0:50:54INAUDIBLE
0:50:56 > 0:50:59INAUDIBLE
0:51:11 > 0:51:14INAUDIBLE
0:51:21 > 0:51:23APPLAUSE
0:51:23 > 0:51:30I'd just like to say, um, thank you so much for everything over the years. And, er...
0:51:36 > 0:51:39Good night.
0:51:55 > 0:51:57I like you in this coat, Frank.
0:51:57 > 0:52:01- Was I all right tonight? - You were lovely. Nerves seem to have cleared up, then?
0:52:01 > 0:52:06Well, vis-a-vis that, I seem to remember that I was perfectly all right before I met you.
0:52:06 > 0:52:09- I think you put the curse on me. - Yeah, it was me, wasn't it?
0:52:09 > 0:52:13- And you brought my piles on as well. - 'Mr Howerd?'- Oh, yes? Oh!
0:52:13 > 0:52:17- I'm Peter Cook. - Yes, I know. Congratulations. I saw your show. Very good.
0:52:17 > 0:52:19Very funny, yes. We're just off.
0:52:19 > 0:52:22Um, could I possibly call you next week?
0:52:23 > 0:52:27- Well...- I'm just... I'm opening a cabaret club.
0:52:27 > 0:52:29And I was wondering if you'd do a residency.
0:52:36 > 0:52:42So anyway, I'm there, and this young man comes up to me and he says, you know, "Hello.
0:52:42 > 0:52:45"I'm Cook." And I said, "Well, yes! It was a lovely meal!"
0:52:45 > 0:52:48And I was there...no, I'll tell you...I was there with...
0:52:48 > 0:52:51He's a lovely fella. He needs it a bit softer.
0:52:51 > 0:52:58I suppose it's the over-the-garden-fence school of comedy. Very anti-joke. Very modern.
0:52:58 > 0:53:00It's a bit harsh on him, I think.
0:53:00 > 0:53:02I know what I'm doing.
0:53:04 > 0:53:06And now, the Week at Westminster.
0:53:06 > 0:53:10And our lobby correspondent is Mr Frankie Howerd.
0:53:12 > 0:53:15- No, no, he can't do next week. - TV PLAYS
0:53:15 > 0:53:17Yeah, three weeks tomorrow is the next time.
0:53:17 > 0:53:19- OVEN TIMER RINGS - Can I call you back?
0:53:22 > 0:53:24PHONE RINGS
0:53:29 > 0:53:31Hello?
0:53:32 > 0:53:35I don't know when he's going to be available. I'm sorry.
0:53:38 > 0:53:40Do you want to do the Royal Variety?
0:53:40 > 0:53:43Of course. Oh, I like this bit.
0:53:45 > 0:53:47Shall we, um,
0:53:47 > 0:53:50leave off that pub for a while?
0:53:50 > 0:53:53Yeah. Yeah, all right.
0:54:05 > 0:54:07I'll have to watch how I go, Frank.
0:54:07 > 0:54:10Fellers see me with you and I'm in danger of getting left on the shelf.
0:54:10 > 0:54:15- Oh, you could have brushed your hair, Frank, it's a publicity shoot. - Someone else'll do it.
0:54:15 > 0:54:18I mean, you don't wanna get left out, Janie.
0:54:18 > 0:54:22- You don't wanna live your whole life a fag hag.- Oh, I don't know Frank.
0:54:22 > 0:54:24I've always found it very agreeable.
0:54:24 > 0:54:27If I could take a pill,
0:54:27 > 0:54:31if there was a pill that would cure me of the way I am, I'd do it tomorrow. I'd take it.
0:54:31 > 0:54:36- Yes, and I'd give it to you, you miserable git.- Drive.
0:54:43 > 0:54:46'She's been pregnant, you know. Over and over. Over and over!'
0:54:46 > 0:54:50Because of her ears! I mean, she's got an appliance, you see.
0:54:50 > 0:54:53You know, she pops it in.
0:54:55 > 0:54:58In her ear! Oh, the disgraceful...!
0:54:58 > 0:55:02And she pops it out again when she goes to bed. And her husband.
0:55:02 > 0:55:04I mean, he luxuriates.
0:55:04 > 0:55:08He luxuriates! He luxuriates at her side.
0:55:08 > 0:55:12And he rolls over, and he says to her,
0:55:12 > 0:55:14"Do you want to go to sleep now, or what?"
0:55:14 > 0:55:17- And she says "What?" - LAUGHTER
0:55:23 > 0:55:27Up the students! Up all students everywhere!
0:55:41 > 0:55:44Here we are. Thank you, yes. Thank you.
0:55:46 > 0:55:50You've got an interview tomorrow for Channel 4 on The Word,
0:55:50 > 0:55:53and they want four Roman centurions to carry you on.
0:55:53 > 0:55:55Bit gay, isn't it? Was I any good?
0:55:55 > 0:55:58Yes, you were very good, Frank, on stage, at least.
0:56:00 > 0:56:04- So, still going to give it all up, are you?- Well, why not?
0:56:04 > 0:56:08- We could still get that pub. - I think they'll have sold it by now, don't you?
0:56:08 > 0:56:13Anyway, I knew you when you weren't working, and you were even more bloody insufferable than usual.
0:56:13 > 0:56:18- And I can't retire, can I? Looking after you's a bleeding full-time job.- Rather you than me.
0:56:18 > 0:56:22- Sorry about earlier, with...- Yeah, never mind. I'm used to it.
0:56:22 > 0:56:28- Now get in the back of the car, you big old poof.- Mocking! You're mocking Francis! No, I'll, um,
0:56:28 > 0:56:32come in the front. I can't really hear you when I'm in the back.
0:56:43 > 0:56:47- # Young love,- (young love) - First love,- (first love)
0:56:47 > 0:56:54# Filled with true devotion
0:56:55 > 0:57:00- # Young love,- (young love) - Our love,- (our love)
0:57:00 > 0:57:07# We share with deep emotion. #
0:57:07 > 0:57:10Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:57:10 > 0:57:13Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk