0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Wishin' and hopin'
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# And thinkin' and prayin'
0:00:20 > 0:00:25# Plannin' and dreamin' each night of his charms
0:00:25 > 0:00:29# That won't get you into his arms
0:00:29 > 0:00:33# So if you're lookin' to find love
0:00:33 > 0:00:39# You can share
0:00:39 > 0:00:40# All you've got to do is
0:00:40 > 0:00:43# Hold him and kiss him and love him
0:00:43 > 0:00:48# And show him that you care
0:00:48 > 0:00:52# Show him that you care just for him
0:00:52 > 0:00:54# Do the things
0:00:54 > 0:00:57# He likes to do
0:00:57 > 0:01:01# Wear your hair just for him
0:01:01 > 0:01:03# Because
0:01:03 > 0:01:05# You won't get him
0:01:05 > 0:01:08# Thinkin' and a-prayin'... #
0:01:08 > 0:01:09What about a pork pie, Mum?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Certainly not, Nigel. Pork pies are common.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18- What about some fresh cheese? - Don't be silly, you don't know where it's been.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21I'll have some nice Dairylea slices.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Right you are.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25'My mother was always averse to fresh produce.
0:01:25 > 0:01:30'I'm Nigel, I'm nine years old and I've never had a vegetable that didn't come in a tin.'
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- Thank you, Mrs Slater. - Come on, Nigel.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Come on! What on earth have you been doing?
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Oh, come on.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49'It must have been the lack of nutrients that gave my father his fiery temper.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52'He was not a sweet man, despite a very sweet tooth.'
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Not like that, man!
0:01:58 > 0:02:03'My mother's sweet nature made up for her inability to cook, or even make a sandwich.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10'When you're deprived of something, it just makes you all the more hungry for it.'
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- Can we make the cake, then? - If we have to.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Oh!
0:02:27 > 0:02:29HE GIGGLES
0:02:29 > 0:02:30What does that say?
0:02:32 > 0:02:36I can't even read this. Right, flour.
0:02:38 > 0:02:3916 ounces.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Ooh!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43I think that's enough.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Oh, yes, sieve it.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48And some butter.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Oh.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Mum...
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Oh, dear. Daddy will be pleased.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Mum, let me do it.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Shh, listen.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Don't worry, we'll cheer it up with a little icing.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29It's not too bad.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33SIZZLING
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Mum, the dinner!
0:03:35 > 0:03:37SHE SIGHS
0:03:37 > 0:03:40They're all burnt.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I think I'd better make some toast.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59'No matter how bad things get, it's impossible not to love someone who made you toast.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03'Once you've bitten through that crusty surface to the soft dough underneath
0:04:03 > 0:04:07'and tasted the warm, salty butter, you're lost forever.'
0:04:13 > 0:04:14More tea, anyone?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Oh.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33< Aaah.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37< Mmm.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44< Aaah...
0:04:44 > 0:04:45- What you doing?- Oh!
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- Nothing.- Go to sleep, young man.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Aaah.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Oooh.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Mmm.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Right, I'm off.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26You don't suppose there's anything wrong with him, do you?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41There you go. And was it a pound of streaky bacon?
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Yes, please.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- There you go, Mrs Patten.- Thank you.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- Yes, Mr Salt? - A pound of Caerphilly, please.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Right.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Anything else I can get you?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- Some raspberries, please. - Right you are.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04ENGINE APPROACHES
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Hi, Nige.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Let's get to work, then.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53'What are you doing?'
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Making compost.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58What's compost?
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Sort of nature's way of melting everything together.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Come here.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Give us your hand.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12- Right, feel that.- It's hot! - Cool, eh?
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Everything breaking down lets all the goodness out.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18That's what I love about gardens.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20What?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23They're alive.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- How do you mean, alive?- Come here.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27NIGEL GIGGLES
0:07:27 > 0:07:32Right now, there's 100,000 biological reactions going on all around us.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Thousands of new things being born.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39All these smells and tastes - no wonder it's an assault on the senses.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42That's what nature's all about, ain't it?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44What?
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Get on.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Right.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Smell this.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Do you know what that's called?
0:07:55 > 0:07:56NIGEL SNIFFS
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Go on. Have a guess.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- I don't know.- Well, what does it make you think of?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Parma Violets?
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- Pleasure.- Pleasure?- Yeah.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Cool, eh?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19HE SNIFFS
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Can you really eat them like that? Aren't they dirty?
0:08:31 > 0:08:35There's plenty of things they'll tell you is dirty that won't do you any harm.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- In fact, most of them's good for you in my opinion.- Such as?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Gardening.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42What do they taste like?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47You don't know unless you try.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Please yourself.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51DOOR OPENS Nigel?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Nigel, come on.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58'A tin of braised beef,'
0:08:58 > 0:09:02a tin of sponge pudding and a tin of mixed veg, please.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Can we have spaghetti bolognese?
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- I beg your pardon, Nigel? - Spaghetti bolognese.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11It's from Italy. The sauce comes in a tin.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14I wouldn't know how to cook such a thing.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I'll show you.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Are you sure this is a good idea?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21You have to put it IN the pan.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30What on earth's this?
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- It's spaghetti bolognese. - It's Italian.- Italian?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38What the hell's wrong with you, Nigel? It's rock hard.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It isn't cooked yet.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Stupid idea if you ask me.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52See, I told you it wouldn't fit.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- What the hell's this?- Cheese.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Percy Salt said you have to put it on or it doesn't work.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03HE SNIFFS
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- It smells like sick.- Alan!
0:10:10 > 0:10:12I don't think so.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Here goes.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Mmm, it's delicious.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35You twiddle it round.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I think it's off.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Nigel, get Mum's bag.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Get Mum's bag!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Well, come on, Nigel!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Stupid boy! Come on.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I think I'd better make some toast.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53'I think she's pregnant.'
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Pregnant?
0:11:54 > 0:11:55It's to do with her breathing.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59Breathlessness, nausea. I'm telling you, it's the same as my mum.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Sick all the time for no reason, picky with food.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Nine months later, hello!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Out pops our Julie.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08How do you think she got pregnant?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10For Pete's sake, Nigel.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12- I don't think they've had... - WHISPERS:- ..sex
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- for years.- You'd be surprised.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Oh, milk. I think I'm going to throw up.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Hey, I'll have it if you're not going to drink it.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26- What's it worth? - I'll show you me knickers.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27I'd let you see my willy.
0:12:27 > 0:12:33- What?- Then if you give me your puddings, I'll give you a feel.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Well, actually, I go home for dinners.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Well, just bear it in mind for the future.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Here. You can have it for nowt.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45The offer's there, Nigel.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47SHE SIGHS IN EXASPERATION
0:12:48 > 0:12:51'Josh, how can you tell if someone's pregnant?'
0:12:51 > 0:12:55- Well, you ain't been messing about with someone, have you? - Not me, my mam.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Your mam.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59She keeps getting sick all the time.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Well, she doesn't look very pregnant, Nige.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I hope not.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08What's wrong with being pregnant anyways?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I'm scared that...
0:13:11 > 0:13:16..if she goes into hospital, I'll have to be looked after by my dad.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18DISTANT THUNDER RUMBLES
0:13:21 > 0:13:24RAIN PATTERS
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Oh, no. I'd better go inside.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Why?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I love it when it rains in the summer.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Anyway, what's the matter with your dad?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I don't think he likes me.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Don't be daft, what's not to like?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I think he thinks there's something wrong with me.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51THUNDER CRASHES
0:13:51 > 0:13:54BOTH LAUGH
0:14:04 > 0:14:07You daft bugger! Come on.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Come on, Nige.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10JOSH LAUGHS
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Put that on till these dry.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34There's nothing wrong with you, Nigel.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Everything's going to be OK.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Here.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49I love a pork pie, me.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Hurry up, Nigel!
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Oh, come on, come on!
0:15:02 > 0:15:04CAR ENGINE REVS
0:15:07 > 0:15:09NIGEL YAWNS
0:15:12 > 0:15:14ENGINE REVS AGAIN
0:15:20 > 0:15:24- Are we nearly there yet?- Nigel, we haven't even left Wolverhampton yet.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Do we have to go to Penarth?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29It's very good for the air.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Just try to enjoy yourself, Nigel.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34For your mother's sake.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39There's nothing to do in Penarth.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Nonsense.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44It's the premier resort on the Welsh coast.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46THUNDERCLAP
0:15:47 > 0:15:48It could be worse.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51They say it's going to pick up tomorrow.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Oh, struth.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55SINGING
0:16:01 > 0:16:03THEY CONTINUE TO SING
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Come on, Nigel. Nigel!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Sit up, Nigel. Tomato, anybody?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15You don't have to have salad cream if you don't want it.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- Do I have to have ham?- Course you bloody well have to have ham.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- You're on holiday. - Nigel, you like ham.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I know I like ham, I just don't like the jelly.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32- Can't we go and get fish and chips? - Look, just eat, for God's sake. For your mother.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35CHILD LAUGHS IN DELIGHT
0:16:36 > 0:16:42Look at that! Absolutely disgusting. Letting a child run around naked like that.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- I don't see anything wrong with it. - Don't be stupid.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- Loads of people go around naked. - Don't be ridiculous.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Who have you seen naked?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Josh.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- Josh?- Oh, my God! - He was only getting changed.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Has Josh ever...
0:16:59 > 0:17:04- has he ever touched you? - Alan, Alan...- Of course he hasn't.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Just eat your ham, Nigel.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08We'll forget the whole thing.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Whee! Whee! >
0:17:11 > 0:17:16- I'm going to have a word with those parents.- Alan, calm down.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Oh, for Pete's sake!
0:17:34 > 0:17:39Oh, come back here, you stupid, ignorant boy!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41SHE GASPS FOR BREATH
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Oh, for Pete's sake.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47SHE GASPS AGAIN
0:17:48 > 0:17:50LABOURED BREATHING
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Mum, can I ask you a question?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12You're not pregnant, are you?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15What on earth makes you ask that?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17You keep doing all that heavy breathing.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21It's my lungs, Nigel.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25I'm not going to be very well,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28maybe for quite a long time.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32But you'll be all right by Christmas, won't you?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35I don't know, Nigel.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39But you'll still teach me how to make mince pies, won't you?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- Of course I will.- Promise?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46I promise.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Just because there's something wrong with her lungs doesn't mean to say she's not pregnant.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17What about Parma Violets?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Don't be stupid, they're for old people.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Anyway, I'm not interested in your opinion. I'm going to ask Josh about it.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- How about some Love Hearts? - Piss off!
0:19:27 > 0:19:28They're for girls.
0:19:28 > 0:19:33You fancy that gardener, don't you? What about some Pascall's oblong fruit bonbons?
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Honestly? They'll put you in a retirement home.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40And, no, I don't, I'm just interested in gardening, that's all.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Are you bollocks!
0:19:42 > 0:19:45All you've ever planted is a row of radishes.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Anyway, about your mum, the jury's out in my opinion.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50What about barley sugars?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53We're not getting barley sugars, Warrel, we're not going in a car.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00I'll buy a packet of Refreshers and a quart of chocolate limes so we can burn our tongues!
0:20:02 > 0:20:06- Yes, boys?- A quart of chocolate limes and a packet of Refreshers, please.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Oh, and a pork pie.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10What's the pork pie for?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30ENGINE APPROACHES
0:20:33 > 0:20:35CAR DOOR SLAMS
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Who are you?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44I'm the new gardener, who are you?
0:20:44 > 0:20:48- Where's Josh?- I don't know. I was just told to come down here twice a week from now on.
0:20:50 > 0:20:56- Well, would you like half a pork pie? I bought it myself.- No.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Dad, what have you done to Josh?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18I haven't done anything to Josh.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Joshua doesn't work for us anymore.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24We have a new gardener, Mr Watford.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- Josh was my friend. - Joshua is not your friend!
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Now, I want you to put Joshua right out of your mind! Ow!
0:21:31 > 0:21:34And I don't want you to ever mention his name again!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- I want you to take this up to your mother.- I hate you.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I'm warning you, Nigel...
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Now take this up to your mother.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48And whatever you do, don't disturb her.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Thank you.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40LABOURED BREATHING
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Dad!
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- Dad! Dad! - SHE WHIMPERS
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I told you not to disturb her!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04SHE GASPS FOR BREATH
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Come on.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Let's have a crumpet.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52She's not going to be better for Christmas, is she?
0:23:59 > 0:24:00No, son.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Look...
0:24:14 > 0:24:16HE SIGHS
0:24:18 > 0:24:23What's going to happen to her? Is she going to be all right?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Nigel, erm...
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Everything's going to be fine.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Nigel?
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Mum?
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Aren't you supposed to be in bed?
0:24:58 > 0:24:59(I want you to help me.)
0:24:59 > 0:25:00(What with?)
0:25:00 > 0:25:01Mince pies.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04It's not even Christmas yet.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Doesn't matter.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Now you do it.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13- Oh, Mum...- All right.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14It's all right.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Just stick it back down there.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18(No-one will know.)
0:25:21 > 0:25:22It's going to be so tasty.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24That's perfect.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Here we are. Now we cut them out.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- Nigel...- Mmm-hmm?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- I love you.- I love you too, Mum.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- Now all we need is the mincemeat. - I'll get it.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06- I can't see it. - It's in there somewhere, Nigel, I know it's in there somewhere.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Don't worry. I'll find it.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12RATTLING
0:26:15 > 0:26:18I don't understand. It must be in there somewhere.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23- It has to be here. I'm sure it's here.- It's not.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Let me see.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28SHE SIGHS
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I asked your father specially.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34I'm sorry, Nigel.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38You said you'd teach me.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Well...
0:26:40 > 0:26:41We'll put them in the fridge
0:26:41 > 0:26:45- and we'll get some tomorrow from Percy Salt's.- But you promised!
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- SHE SIGHS - You're going to leave me with him, aren't you?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52- It's not fair!- Nigel...
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Come here...
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- I hate you!- Come here, come here.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57- All right.- You're hopeless!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59I hope you die!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04BOTH SOB
0:27:10 > 0:27:14All right, all right, all right.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Shh.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18SOBS CONTINUE
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Shhh.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30All right.
0:27:40 > 0:27:45- What's that?- It's a stocking, Nigel. - But there's still a month to go.
0:27:45 > 0:27:50We thought we'd give you your presents early this year. As a special treat.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52We thought we'd open them in the morning.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55I don't want them in the morning. It'll spoil Christmas.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56Nigel, please!
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Your mother asked me specially.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08OK. I suppose so.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12So, you're not going to tell me off, then?
0:28:12 > 0:28:15No, I'm not going to tell you off.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18But you mustn't open them until Mum is there.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22Night-night.
0:28:22 > 0:28:23Night-night.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44HE YAWNS
0:29:35 > 0:29:38SOBBING
0:29:42 > 0:29:44Daddy?
0:31:34 > 0:31:38'With Mum gone, things in the culinary department did not get any better,
0:31:38 > 0:31:43'and after months of cheese on toast, Dad decided to be more adventurous.'
0:31:43 > 0:31:45HE MUTTERS
0:31:48 > 0:31:49Ah!
0:31:55 > 0:31:56Ahh!
0:31:59 > 0:32:01Damn it!
0:32:01 > 0:32:03Ah.
0:32:03 > 0:32:04Oh! Ow!
0:32:10 > 0:32:12It's disgusting.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14- You haven't even tried it. - It's not even cooked.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19Look, Nigel, just eat it.
0:32:19 > 0:32:24There are kids in Biafra who'd give their right arm for a Fray Bentos pie.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35- Eat your pie.- No.
0:32:36 > 0:32:40- Eat your pie, Nigel.- I won't.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43I'm warning you.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06- HE SPITS - No!- That's it!
0:33:06 > 0:33:08- Eat the bloody pie!- No!
0:33:08 > 0:33:10- Eat it!- No!- Eat the pie!- No!
0:33:27 > 0:33:31- Maybe it's supposed to be like that. - Warrel, it was completely raw!
0:33:31 > 0:33:32Don't worry about it.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35My mum's no great shakes in the kitchen either.
0:33:35 > 0:33:39At least she's not dead. I wish I came from a normal family.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42Nigel, normal families are totally overrated.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44You'll probably grow up to be interesting.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47I don't want to be interesting.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49I just want him to like me.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52If you want to soften him up a bit,
0:33:52 > 0:33:56you can't expect something for nothing.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00Remember, the way to a man's heart is always through his stomach.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03- Really?- I'm telling you.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06My dad's putty in Mum's fingers once he's had his toad-in-the-hole.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20- Ah, now, there you go, this is for you.- Thank you.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22That's for me. Thank you very much.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24Now then, can I help you, son?
0:34:24 > 0:34:28I'll have two pieces of smoked haddock, please. It's my dad's favourite.
0:34:28 > 0:34:33- Don't you want something for your mum?- She's dead.- OK.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37That'll be two and six, sunshine.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41I've only got this.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43Could you cut a bit off, please.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45It's all right, you can have the tail bit on me.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50Um... How do you cook it?
0:34:50 > 0:34:51Warm the grill first.
0:34:51 > 0:34:55Rub it with a bit of butter and put it on just before you're going to eat.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58- Ten minutes, absolute max, understood?- Thank you.
0:35:24 > 0:35:25ALARM RINGS
0:35:56 > 0:35:58KEYS JANGLE
0:36:00 > 0:36:02DOOR SHUTS
0:36:07 > 0:36:10- Where have you been?- Nowhere.
0:36:10 > 0:36:14Just got a little detained at the factory, Nigel.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23- Did you cook this?- It's ruined.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38No, it's not.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42It's just how I like it.
0:36:42 > 0:36:43No, it isn't. It's bad.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49- Mmm.- Look, Dad, you don't have to eat it.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51No, really, Nigel.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53It's delicious.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02'You see, I told you it'd win him over.'
0:37:02 > 0:37:04Haddock's a very superior fish, Nigel.
0:37:04 > 0:37:09- I really don't think he liked it. - It takes some time, bonding.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11Especially now your mam's dead.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14I'm telling you, you'll be inseparable shortly.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Nothing will get between yous.
0:37:25 > 0:37:26Slater!
0:37:28 > 0:37:29Where is your milk?
0:37:30 > 0:37:33Come out to the front.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Where is your milk?
0:37:41 > 0:37:43I drank it, Miss.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45No, you did not.
0:37:45 > 0:37:50I've watched you give it to Leonard Watson every day this week. I want you to drink it now.
0:37:52 > 0:37:56I have to warn you, Miss, I have a serious aversion to dairy products.
0:37:56 > 0:38:00Drink it now, Slater! It's good for you!
0:38:00 > 0:38:01OK, then.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15You see? It wasn't that bad.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21HE RETCHES
0:38:22 > 0:38:24CHILDREN TITTER
0:38:28 > 0:38:30Sit down.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37Nice one, Slater.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43RATTLING
0:38:43 > 0:38:46Bleedin' hell. I'll be all afternoon on this.
0:38:48 > 0:38:53- What a bloody awful state this is in. When was the last time you cleaned in here?- Who are you?
0:38:53 > 0:38:57Hmm? New cleaner. Who's it bleedin' well look like? Joan of Arc?
0:38:57 > 0:39:01Whoever cleaned inside of here made a right pig's ear of it.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05Does my dad know you're here?
0:39:05 > 0:39:10No, I broke in and thought I'd scrub the kitchen floor clean(!) Bugger off.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13I ain't got all day to stand round talking to you. Snotty little brat.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15DOOR OPENS
0:39:20 > 0:39:23Bugger. I'll be on me knees all night getting this off.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25Mrs Potter.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28- Hmm? Oh!- You're still here.
0:39:28 > 0:39:30Oh, Mr Slater.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32I thought you was out at work at this time.
0:39:32 > 0:39:35- I see you've met Nigel.- Oh, yes.
0:39:35 > 0:39:40I think we're going to get along like a house on fire, aren't we, Nige?
0:39:40 > 0:39:42'I didn't expect Mrs Potter to last long.
0:39:42 > 0:39:47'My father wasn't usually one to associate himself with people who wore Crimplene.
0:39:47 > 0:39:51'But I was soon to be proved wrong.'
0:39:51 > 0:39:55# The look of love
0:39:55 > 0:40:00# Is in your eyes
0:40:00 > 0:40:02# The look
0:40:02 > 0:40:04# Your heart
0:40:04 > 0:40:07# Can't disguise
0:40:09 > 0:40:15# The look of love
0:40:15 > 0:40:19# Is saying so much more
0:40:19 > 0:40:25# Than just words could ever say
0:40:26 > 0:40:29# And what my heart has heard
0:40:29 > 0:40:33# Well, it takes my breath away
0:40:33 > 0:40:37# I can hardly wait to hold you
0:40:37 > 0:40:40# Feel my arms around you
0:40:40 > 0:40:43# How long I have waited
0:40:43 > 0:40:46# Waited just to love you
0:40:46 > 0:40:50# Now that I have found you
0:40:50 > 0:40:55# You've got the look of love
0:40:55 > 0:41:00# It's on your face
0:41:00 > 0:41:02# A look
0:41:02 > 0:41:09# That time can't erase... #
0:41:09 > 0:41:15'And so it was, Mrs Potter became a regular part of my father's routine.
0:41:15 > 0:41:19'She scrubbed, polished and bleached her way into our lives.'
0:41:22 > 0:41:26- Are you still here?- No.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29I'm at home, doing me ironing(!)
0:41:29 > 0:41:32- What ARE you doing? - I'm darning your father's socks.
0:41:32 > 0:41:36- What are you doing that for? - They have holes in them.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38You're only supposed to do the cleaning.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41Where would we be if we only did what we were supposed to do?
0:41:41 > 0:41:44I thought you'd be pleased I'm looking after him.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46I know what you're up to, so just...off his socks.
0:41:46 > 0:41:50Listen, Nigel.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53Look, I know you miss your mother and everything, but if there's a hole,
0:41:53 > 0:41:58sweetheart, somebody is going to darn it, and it might as well be me.
0:41:58 > 0:42:03You're wasting your time. I mean, you're far too common, and anyway, you're married.
0:42:03 > 0:42:05All I'm doing is darning his socks!
0:42:05 > 0:42:07Anyway, it's got nothing to do with you.
0:42:07 > 0:42:12Just because you can sew up his clothes doesn't mean you're anything like my mother!
0:42:12 > 0:42:16- Forget it! He's never going to be interested in you!- Ah, Mrs Potter.
0:42:16 > 0:42:21- You're here rather late again. - That's all right, Alan. I just thought I'd do your socks for you.
0:42:21 > 0:42:23Oh, really, you shouldn't have.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25That's beyond the call.
0:42:25 > 0:42:26Oh, it's nothing, you know.
0:42:26 > 0:42:29Got to keep your toes warm!
0:42:29 > 0:42:34Oh, by the way, baked you a little something for your supper.
0:42:34 > 0:42:36Oh, really, Mrs Potter!
0:42:36 > 0:42:40- It's an apple pie! - Well, I just thought you boys need a bit of looking after.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42Oh, that's very kind.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44Isn't it, Nigel?
0:42:45 > 0:42:49- Oh, that smells delicious.- Oh, it's just something I knocked up.
0:42:49 > 0:42:52Anyway, must be going.
0:42:52 > 0:42:54Here, that'll stop you sticking through.
0:42:56 > 0:42:59- Maybe I could offer you a lift home. - Aren't you going to eat the pie?
0:42:59 > 0:43:04You should probably let it cool. Don't want to burn your lips, do you?
0:43:04 > 0:43:07No, it's no bother. I'll get the bus.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10No, really, really, it's the least I can do.
0:43:10 > 0:43:13Oh, well, if you insist.
0:43:13 > 0:43:15You'll be all right, Nigel, won't you?
0:43:17 > 0:43:19See you, flower.
0:43:19 > 0:43:21I won't be long.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23- Let me get the door.- Thank you.
0:43:38 > 0:43:41'There's no denying Mrs Potter made a decent apple pie.
0:43:41 > 0:43:44'In fact, it was better than decent.
0:43:44 > 0:43:48'It was sublime, and one of the most glorious things I'd ever put in my mouth.'
0:43:55 > 0:43:56HE SNIFFS
0:43:56 > 0:44:00- What's the matter? - You're wearing my mum's apron!
0:44:00 > 0:44:03What do you want me to wear? An evening gown?
0:44:03 > 0:44:08- Would you like to help me bake a cake?- You shouldn't be wearing it. It's not yours.
0:44:08 > 0:44:10All right!
0:44:10 > 0:44:12Keep your hair on, bugger-lugs.
0:44:12 > 0:44:13It's only an apron.
0:44:16 > 0:44:19Does your husband know that you're cooking our suppers?
0:44:19 > 0:44:22Look, don't patronise me, son.
0:44:22 > 0:44:26Just because I don't talk all bay window doesn't mean I'm a fool, you know.
0:44:26 > 0:44:30You're a child. You know nothing about what people go through.
0:44:38 > 0:44:39Here's the apron.
0:44:39 > 0:44:43Wouldn't have thought you were so sentimental about it,
0:44:43 > 0:44:45from what I've heard of her cooking.
0:44:51 > 0:44:53You'll have to put yourself to bed.
0:44:53 > 0:44:56- Where are you going?- Out!
0:44:56 > 0:44:58You're going with her, aren't you?
0:45:00 > 0:45:03It's just to a whist drive.
0:45:03 > 0:45:06- I have to have some life of my own. - With Mrs Potter?
0:45:09 > 0:45:11It's just a social occasion.
0:45:11 > 0:45:13Please, Dad, don't leave me on my own.
0:45:16 > 0:45:18You'll be fine, Nigel.
0:45:19 > 0:45:22HE WHISTLES "The Look Of Love"
0:45:33 > 0:45:35CAR ENGINE STARTS
0:45:42 > 0:45:43CREAKING
0:46:02 > 0:46:04MUSIC: "If You Go Away" by Dusty Springfield
0:46:12 > 0:46:16# If you go away
0:46:16 > 0:46:19# On this summer day
0:46:19 > 0:46:21# Then you might as well
0:46:21 > 0:46:24# Take the sun away
0:46:24 > 0:46:29# All the birds that flew in the summer sky
0:46:29 > 0:46:34# When our love was new and our hearts were high
0:46:34 > 0:46:36# When the day was young
0:46:36 > 0:46:39# And the night was long
0:46:39 > 0:46:41# And the moon stood still
0:46:41 > 0:46:44# For the night bird's song
0:46:44 > 0:46:46# If you go away
0:46:47 > 0:46:50# If you go away...
0:46:50 > 0:46:54# If you go away
0:46:56 > 0:46:59# But if you stay
0:46:59 > 0:47:01# I'll make you a day
0:47:01 > 0:47:06# Like no day has been Or will be again
0:47:06 > 0:47:08# We'll sail on the sun
0:47:08 > 0:47:11# We'll ride on the rain
0:47:11 > 0:47:15# We'll talk to the trees and worship the wind
0:47:15 > 0:47:20# Then if you go, I'll understand
0:47:20 > 0:47:24# Leave me just enough love to hold in my hand
0:47:24 > 0:47:28# If you go away
0:47:28 > 0:47:32# If you go away...
0:47:32 > 0:47:36# If you go away
0:47:38 > 0:47:40# Ne me quitte pas... #
0:47:40 > 0:47:42TELEPHONE RINGS
0:47:51 > 0:47:53- MAN:- 'Hello.
0:47:54 > 0:47:59'Joan, is that you? Is Joan Potter there?'
0:48:07 > 0:48:09# Ne me quitte pas
0:48:09 > 0:48:13# Ne me quitte pas...
0:48:13 > 0:48:17# Ne me quitte pas
0:48:19 > 0:48:23# But if you stay
0:48:23 > 0:48:25# I'll make you a night
0:48:25 > 0:48:30# Like no night has been Or will be again
0:48:30 > 0:48:32# I'll sail on your smile
0:48:32 > 0:48:34# I'll ride on your touch
0:48:34 > 0:48:40# I'll talk to your eyes that I love so much
0:48:40 > 0:48:44# Then if you go, I'll understand
0:48:44 > 0:48:51# Leave me just enough love to hold in my hand
0:48:51 > 0:48:53# If you go away
0:48:54 > 0:48:58# If you go away...
0:48:58 > 0:49:02# If you go away
0:49:04 > 0:49:08# If you go away
0:49:10 > 0:49:12# Please, don't go away. #
0:49:23 > 0:49:27- I don't see why she has to come. - Look, there's nothing wrong with me inviting Mrs Potter.
0:49:27 > 0:49:30This is the Masonic event of the season.
0:49:30 > 0:49:31Dad, she's our cleaner.
0:49:31 > 0:49:33I mean, look where she lives.
0:49:33 > 0:49:37- Look, Joan has been very good to us. - She lives in a council house.
0:49:37 > 0:49:40- Where she lives is of no consequence.- It's not right.
0:49:40 > 0:49:45She should be inside with her husband, not coming out with us to Masonic dances.
0:49:45 > 0:49:47You're the one who didn't want to be left on their own!
0:49:47 > 0:49:52Now, you don't understand anything about Mrs Potter's personal arrangements.
0:49:52 > 0:49:54Anyway, she's got nothing to hide.
0:49:54 > 0:49:56She's a very respectable woman.
0:49:58 > 0:50:00Bugger, bugger, bugger.
0:50:01 > 0:50:04Bleedin' duck.
0:50:18 > 0:50:21I've laddered me tights on that bleedin' wall. Bugger.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24Come on, darling. Let's get a move on before anyone clocks us.
0:50:26 > 0:50:29- Oh, hello, Nigel. - Hello.- Well, how lovely.
0:50:29 > 0:50:31The three of us all together.
0:50:46 > 0:50:50Hello. Have you met Joan? Joan Potter. Ruby Sturridge.
0:50:50 > 0:50:53- Nice to meet you. - She's our cleaner.
0:50:53 > 0:50:54Oh.
0:51:03 > 0:51:04Oh, yes.
0:51:04 > 0:51:07I find Vim a very superior scourer.
0:51:07 > 0:51:11Though I've been very impressed with the new version of Mr Sheen. Do you know of it?
0:51:11 > 0:51:14Don't you find aerosols so very convenient?
0:51:14 > 0:51:16Compared to Jif Cream they really are superb.
0:51:16 > 0:51:20I use bicarb on milk stains. Only thing that gets rid of the stench.
0:51:20 > 0:51:23Nothing worse than curdled milk sweating away in the carpets.
0:51:23 > 0:51:27No. Trust me, you've got a spillage, bicarb is the way to go.
0:51:27 > 0:51:29Joan, do eat.
0:51:29 > 0:51:32- No, watching me weight. - Can I have yours?
0:51:44 > 0:51:49Yes, we were at Alderman Cartwright's for a function, only recently.
0:51:49 > 0:51:54Oh, yes? I know the person that cleans for him, of course.
0:51:54 > 0:51:56(Not great personal hygiene.)
0:51:56 > 0:51:58Or so they tell me.
0:51:58 > 0:52:01Very rarely cleans his windows.
0:52:03 > 0:52:05Oh, Brian. Excuse me.
0:52:05 > 0:52:06I do mine meself, of course.
0:52:06 > 0:52:11Can't beat a chamois leather. Never be without my Windolene.
0:52:11 > 0:52:16- Do you have a favourite disinfectant, Mrs Sturridge? - I can't say I know.
0:52:16 > 0:52:19I'd have to ask Mrs Miller, our housekeeper.
0:52:19 > 0:52:22Oh.
0:52:22 > 0:52:25You might want to ask her to take a look at that stain.
0:52:25 > 0:52:28- Although not much is going to get that out.- Oh, bugger.
0:52:29 > 0:52:31Would you like to dance?
0:52:31 > 0:52:33I'd love to. Come on.
0:52:33 > 0:52:34Hang on.
0:52:36 > 0:52:39- Bit of Dutch. - HE CHUCKLES
0:52:39 > 0:52:41Won't be long.
0:52:56 > 0:52:58He must pay very good overtime.
0:53:00 > 0:53:05Do you know, I've never seen your dad dance before.
0:53:05 > 0:53:09- That's probably a blessing. - Should I try and stop them?
0:53:09 > 0:53:10There's very little you can do.
0:53:10 > 0:53:14She might be common, but there's nothing she doesn't know about cleaning products.
0:53:14 > 0:53:18If I was you, I'd just try to enjoy the food.
0:53:41 > 0:53:44Mind you, they had lovely flowers in the ladies loo.
0:53:45 > 0:53:48I think it was to cover the smell of the urinals.
0:53:48 > 0:53:51But what a fantastic time, eh?
0:53:52 > 0:53:55Thanks for coming, Joan.
0:53:55 > 0:53:57No, thank you.
0:54:01 > 0:54:03Is this all right for you here?
0:54:03 > 0:54:07Yeah. Best be on the safe side.
0:54:07 > 0:54:12See you, flower. Are you all right, love?
0:54:12 > 0:54:15I'm fine. Please, just go home, Mrs Potter.
0:54:15 > 0:54:19Yeah, I will. I'll go home.
0:54:31 > 0:54:33Would you get in the front now, Nigel?
0:54:37 > 0:54:39What do you think of Joan, then, Nigel?
0:54:39 > 0:54:42Mrs Potter?
0:54:42 > 0:54:45I think in some ways she's quite like your mother.
0:54:45 > 0:54:48She's nothing like my mother.
0:54:50 > 0:54:51Look, Nigel...
0:54:53 > 0:54:55I loved your mother.
0:54:55 > 0:54:59And I will always love your mother.
0:54:59 > 0:55:01But sometimes things change.
0:55:02 > 0:55:04Life moves on.
0:55:06 > 0:55:10- We have to accept that. - I don't mind change.
0:55:10 > 0:55:14I don't mind moving on. I just don't like Mrs Potter.
0:55:14 > 0:55:16Give her a chance.
0:55:16 > 0:55:19You don't know what it's like on those estates.
0:55:19 > 0:55:21ENGINE STARTS
0:55:24 > 0:55:27I don't care where she comes from.
0:55:27 > 0:55:28I just hate her.
0:55:28 > 0:55:30I just...
0:55:33 > 0:55:36HE RETCHES Oh, for Pete's sake.
0:55:41 > 0:55:43Oh!
0:55:53 > 0:55:55She was dancing with your dad?
0:55:55 > 0:55:58- I think she'd have been kissing him if I hadn't been there.- Urgh.
0:55:58 > 0:56:01Maybe it's just a phase, cos he's upset about your mum.
0:56:01 > 0:56:06I don't even think he thinks about her any more. Plus, she's a brilliant cook.
0:56:06 > 0:56:08I wouldn't worry about it.
0:56:08 > 0:56:14- Her husband will find out, thump your Dad and get another cleaner.- You reckon?
0:56:14 > 0:56:16That's what happened to Uncle Harry.
0:56:16 > 0:56:20- So, you don't think it's serious, then?- Don't be stupid.
0:56:20 > 0:56:22You've got absolutely nothing to worry about.
0:56:22 > 0:56:25Come on, Nigel!
0:56:25 > 0:56:27Where are we going?
0:56:27 > 0:56:29You'll see.
0:56:29 > 0:56:30It's a surprise.
0:56:47 > 0:56:52Nigel, I know it's been difficult since your mum died,
0:56:52 > 0:56:55but you've been very patient.
0:56:55 > 0:56:57- Haven't you? - Are we nearly there yet?
0:56:57 > 0:56:59And it's just, I've been thinking...
0:57:02 > 0:57:07..it might be better for all of us if we made a new start of everything.
0:57:07 > 0:57:09What do you mean, "a new start"?
0:57:09 > 0:57:14Well, it's just... since your mum died,
0:57:14 > 0:57:18everything got off on the wrong footing.
0:57:18 > 0:57:22- That's all. - So we can get a new cleaner?
0:57:22 > 0:57:25No, no, we don't need a new cleaner.
0:57:26 > 0:57:31Joan is not the... Mrs Potter is not the problem here.
0:57:49 > 0:57:50Is this it?
0:57:52 > 0:57:53It's beautiful, isn't it?
0:57:55 > 0:57:58Imagine living here. No neighbours.
0:57:58 > 0:58:03Perfect seclusion. Wonderful country views.
0:58:03 > 0:58:07- Dad, what's going on? - Nothing, nothing. Only saying.
0:58:07 > 0:58:11- It's got a septic tank and everything.- Dad, who lives here?
0:58:12 > 0:58:14Well, actually...
0:58:14 > 0:58:15we do.
0:58:15 > 0:58:19- What do you mean?!- All the stuff's coming this afternoon.
0:58:19 > 0:58:22But what about school? What about Warrel?
0:58:22 > 0:58:25- I mean, it's miles from anywhere. - You'll get used to it, Nigel.
0:58:25 > 0:58:29I don't want to get used to it. We can't move here.
0:58:29 > 0:58:33- What about Mrs Potter? - Look, everything's going to be all right, Nigel.
0:58:33 > 0:58:35It's not the end of the world.
0:58:35 > 0:58:38What could possibly be worse than moving here?
0:58:38 > 0:58:41Ah! Nigel! Woo-hoo!
0:58:41 > 0:58:42Sweetie!
0:58:42 > 0:58:44Say hello to your Auntie Joan.
0:58:44 > 0:58:46You can call me Joanie, if you like.
0:58:56 > 0:58:58Agh!
0:58:58 > 0:59:00I knew it was a bad idea not to tell him.
0:59:00 > 0:59:02HE SIGHS
0:59:02 > 0:59:04I'll deal with this.
0:59:37 > 0:59:41Look, I know this is all a bit of a shock for you.
0:59:41 > 0:59:43I know it's very hard.
0:59:43 > 0:59:45I can never replace your mother.
0:59:50 > 0:59:53But I know what it feels like to be alone.
0:59:57 > 0:59:59I'm not your enemy, Nigel.
0:59:59 > 1:00:04I want to put all that bad feeling behind us,
1:00:04 > 1:00:06make a fresh start here,
1:00:06 > 1:00:08the three of us.
1:00:12 > 1:00:14Mmm?
1:00:14 > 1:00:16Give us a chance here.
1:00:17 > 1:00:19Come on.
1:00:19 > 1:00:22We can make this work.
1:00:22 > 1:00:23Together.
1:00:25 > 1:00:28No! You're our cleaner, for God's sake, just go back to Wolverhampton!
1:00:28 > 1:00:32Now, you listen here, you spoilt little brat,
1:00:32 > 1:00:36I have given up everything to come here and look after you, all right?
1:00:36 > 1:00:39I will be lynched if I ever go back to Wolverhampton.
1:00:39 > 1:00:40So, let's cut the dogs doo-da, hey?
1:00:40 > 1:00:43You're just going to have to sodding well get used to it,
1:00:43 > 1:00:47or I'll make your every waking hour a complete blinking misery! Capiche?
1:00:47 > 1:00:49- Everything all right?- >
1:00:49 > 1:00:53Yeah! Course, darling!
1:00:56 > 1:00:59I think we've sorted everything out, haven't we, Nigel?
1:01:14 > 1:01:17She may not be your mother, Nigel, but she's a bloomin' good cook.
1:01:17 > 1:01:22Well, as they used to say in Wolverhampton, bon appeti-ti!
1:01:31 > 1:01:34Well, as they used to say in Wolverhampton, bon appeti-ti!
1:01:51 > 1:01:54All done?
1:01:54 > 1:01:57That was absolutely delicious, darling.
1:01:59 > 1:02:01Nigel, help Joan with the dishes.
1:02:01 > 1:02:05- I've got a book to finish for school. - No buts, Nigel, give Joan a hand.
1:02:19 > 1:02:24- Oh, Nigel Slater, nice bag! - Give it back!
1:02:24 > 1:02:28Now, as it's the start of a new term, you all need to pick one option.
1:02:30 > 1:02:32Slater, pay attention.
1:02:32 > 1:02:35Now, hands up for woodwork.
1:02:38 > 1:02:40Home economics.
1:02:46 > 1:02:48Are you serious?
1:02:50 > 1:02:57Ah, are you going to have them later with your mummy and daddy(?)
1:03:41 > 1:03:43Oh, hello, Nigel.
1:03:43 > 1:03:46- What are you doing in there?- Nothing.
1:03:53 > 1:03:55Absolutely delicious.
1:03:55 > 1:03:58- What's for afters? - How about a scone?
1:03:58 > 1:04:00A scone?
1:04:00 > 1:04:02And a nice cup of tea?
1:04:02 > 1:04:04Is he OK?
1:04:06 > 1:04:11- Where the hell did they come from? - Made them, earlier.
1:04:11 > 1:04:13What do you mean, you made them, earlier?
1:04:13 > 1:04:17- At school. Taste one. - But I've made a gooseberry fool.
1:04:17 > 1:04:18I'm sure it'll keep.
1:04:31 > 1:04:33Actually, they're not half bad, Nigel.
1:04:37 > 1:04:39Excellent effort.
1:04:39 > 1:04:43Does this mean you'll be doing the cooking every Wednesday from now on?
1:04:43 > 1:04:46Yes. It does, actually.
1:04:49 > 1:04:53Well done, Nigel. Mmm!
1:04:53 > 1:04:58Yeah, well done, son.
1:04:58 > 1:05:00Well done.
1:05:07 > 1:05:10Oh, very good work, Nigel!
1:05:10 > 1:05:15Oh, dear, that's very sloppy, I'm afraid. Now, this is why we should have put...
1:05:28 > 1:05:31What's all this? It's a Wednesday, I've made a shepherd's pie.
1:05:31 > 1:05:35Oh, I'm sorry, love, completely forgot. Oh, well, never mind.
1:05:35 > 1:05:38Mmm, looks delicious, darling.
1:05:38 > 1:05:42Pop it in the fridge. I'm sure it'll keep, sweetheart.
1:06:11 > 1:06:14- Oh, hello, Nigel.- I've made a trifle.
1:06:14 > 1:06:15Oh, Nigel, we ate early.
1:06:15 > 1:06:18Yeah, but there's some lemon meringue on the side there.
1:06:18 > 1:06:21That was the best lemon meringue pie I have ever tasted.
1:06:21 > 1:06:24Oh, thank you, I'll have to make it on a regular basis!
1:06:58 > 1:07:02That's the best lemon meringue you've ever tasted.
1:07:02 > 1:07:05That's the best lemon meringue anybody's ever tasted.
1:07:07 > 1:07:09If I was you, son, I'd give up.
1:07:11 > 1:07:13You'll never even be in the vicinity.
1:07:15 > 1:07:17What did you put in there to make it so fluffy?
1:07:19 > 1:07:24If you want to make a lemon meringue, sunshine, you're going to have to get your own recipe.
1:07:31 > 1:07:36# Little by little by little by little by little
1:07:38 > 1:07:43# Little by little by little by little by little
1:07:46 > 1:07:50# You're messing up my life, tearing me apart
1:07:50 > 1:07:54# Breakin' up my world and I'm givin' up my heart
1:07:54 > 1:07:56# Ooh-ooh-ooh
1:07:56 > 1:07:58# Little by little by little...#
1:07:58 > 1:08:01You really have to go home now, Nigel.
1:08:01 > 1:08:05# ..it's really getting bad, hurting deep inside,
1:08:05 > 1:08:10- # It's-a making me go mad - Ooh-ooh-ooh
1:08:10 > 1:08:14# Little by little by little by little
1:08:14 > 1:08:17# Little by little, bit by bit
1:08:17 > 1:08:20# I'm going crazy and you're causing it
1:08:20 > 1:08:24# Little by little, bit by bit I should stop caring
1:08:24 > 1:08:27# but my love won't quit
1:08:27 > 1:08:32# Little by little by little by little... #
1:08:32 > 1:08:34Don't you have some homework to do?
1:08:40 > 1:08:44Bugger off. More creamed potato?
1:08:44 > 1:08:47No, sweetheart, I'm s...I'm stuffed.
1:08:47 > 1:08:50I spent all afternoon on this.
1:08:50 > 1:08:54Erm, all right, then just a little bit.
1:09:07 > 1:09:10Oh, I made your favourite for afters - lemon meringue pie.
1:09:13 > 1:09:19- # ..I'm going to get you back - Ooh-ooh-ooh
1:09:19 > 1:09:22# Little by little by little by little
1:09:22 > 1:09:26# Little by little by little by little by little
1:09:26 > 1:09:28# Yeah, little by little
1:09:28 > 1:09:33# Little by little by little by little by little
1:09:33 > 1:09:35# Uh-huh, little by little
1:09:35 > 1:09:39# Little by little by little by little by little
1:09:39 > 1:09:42# Little by little Ooh-ooh
1:09:42 > 1:09:46# Little by little by little... #
1:09:52 > 1:09:54- Dad.- What's that?
1:09:54 > 1:09:56- It's a lemon meringue.- What?
1:09:56 > 1:09:57I made it for you specially.
1:09:57 > 1:10:00- What for?- To eat. For a snack.
1:10:00 > 1:10:02I don't want a snack, we just had our tea.
1:10:02 > 1:10:04But I thought you loved lemon meringue pie.
1:10:04 > 1:10:08- I couldn't eat anything now. - Anyway, I've got a Victoria sponge I made earlier.
1:10:10 > 1:10:13But it's freshly baked, Dad.
1:10:13 > 1:10:18Nigel, look, I appreciate the effort but I'm not even remotely hungry.
1:10:18 > 1:10:22- Just try it.- No!- I know that you'll like it.- Nigel, please.
1:10:22 > 1:10:23Take it away.
1:10:59 > 1:11:01That's my recipe.
1:11:01 > 1:11:02You bleeding well stole this.
1:11:02 > 1:11:06No, I didn't. I invented that myself.
1:11:06 > 1:11:07Mine's even got peel in it.
1:11:07 > 1:11:10I cook for you, I clean for you,
1:11:10 > 1:11:15I look after your every bleeding need and this is how you repay me?
1:11:15 > 1:11:18Get off my patch, matey,
1:11:18 > 1:11:23cos I do the lemon meringues around here, you ungrateful little turd.
1:11:23 > 1:11:26I think you're getting this out of perspective.
1:11:26 > 1:11:29- He didn't even try any. - Perspective? I'll give you a bleeding perspective.
1:11:31 > 1:11:33And you can clean that up!
1:11:35 > 1:11:37What on earth did you say to her?
1:11:37 > 1:11:40I didn't say anything, she's mad. You have to get rid of her, Dad.
1:11:40 > 1:11:43I've asked Mrs Potter to marry me.
1:11:43 > 1:11:45- Marry you? - You're going to have to accept that.
1:11:45 > 1:11:48- Or?- Or we're going to have to put you into care.
1:11:51 > 1:11:55We can't go on like this. Joan...
1:12:12 > 1:12:17Thanks for the cake, Nigel. A lovely gesture.
1:12:18 > 1:12:23Yeah, it's really not that bad for a first attempt.
1:12:23 > 1:12:25Everybody loves the food.
1:12:25 > 1:12:27My meat puffs are going like hot cakes.
1:12:27 > 1:12:29Not much of a crowd.
1:12:29 > 1:12:31It's good that Sheila's shown up.
1:12:31 > 1:12:34Would you like a vol-au-vent? I made them myself.
1:12:34 > 1:12:36Are you all right, Dad?
1:12:36 > 1:12:38Yes, just a bit...tight that's all.
1:12:38 > 1:12:43Funny, it was all right at the fitting. Oh!
1:12:45 > 1:12:48Hey, you must be pleased to have a new mum.
1:12:48 > 1:12:50Not really.
1:12:50 > 1:12:54She might have a heart of ice, son, but she puts on a damn fine spread.
1:12:54 > 1:12:57Her husband's lost two stone since she moved out.
1:12:57 > 1:12:59That'll do for later.
1:13:04 > 1:13:07An absolute nightmare,
1:13:07 > 1:13:10but a bloody good baker, I think she could've been a professional.
1:13:10 > 1:13:12I made this, actually.
1:13:14 > 1:13:17Well, if it all gets too much, son, you can always go into catering.
1:13:24 > 1:13:26Wait, wait! No, no, no, no, no.
1:13:26 > 1:13:30What are you doing? No, Alan, no!
1:13:30 > 1:13:32No, you can't do that!
1:13:32 > 1:13:34No, come on, get up there.
1:13:35 > 1:13:37Let's get you up to the bedroom.
1:13:37 > 1:13:41That's where we can, you know, get your old pyjamas on. Good man.
1:13:41 > 1:13:43Come on, Mrs Slater.
1:13:47 > 1:13:48Come on!
1:13:48 > 1:13:51Come on, up we get.
1:14:21 > 1:14:22< JOAN SQUEALS EXCITEDLY
1:14:38 > 1:14:41- 16? - I'm only looking for a Saturday job.
1:14:41 > 1:14:44I just want to get out of the house, really.
1:14:44 > 1:14:48I'm very good, honest. I've read the complete works of Marguerite Patten and everything.
1:14:52 > 1:14:53Duck a l'orange,
1:14:53 > 1:14:59boeuf bourguignon, veal cordon bleu, that's the most expensive.
1:14:59 > 1:15:02You can feel the duck because of the bones.
1:15:02 > 1:15:05This is sophisticated cooking, Nigel.
1:15:05 > 1:15:08So this is where the magic happens.
1:15:08 > 1:15:10Whack it up, bung it in, 20 minutes.
1:15:10 > 1:15:14Now, if it hasn't got a label on, just chuck it in anyway.
1:15:14 > 1:15:19Now, I know it all seems a bit complicated at first but you'll soon get the hang of it.
1:16:16 > 1:16:18Who was that?
1:16:18 > 1:16:20The owner's son from upstairs.
1:16:20 > 1:16:26You want to watch him. Apparently, he's training to be a ballerina.
1:16:42 > 1:16:45- Really, I can't eat these. - I just cooked them.
1:16:45 > 1:16:47Well, we just had supper an hour ago.
1:16:47 > 1:16:50Just leave them there. You might get peckish.
1:16:55 > 1:16:58Oh, please, try to relax, dear.
1:17:10 > 1:17:13- What are you doing?- Nothing, just watch the telly, don't mind me.
1:17:13 > 1:17:15Where have you been?
1:17:15 > 1:17:17Nowhere. Out with some mates.
1:17:17 > 1:17:20You haven't got any mates.
1:17:20 > 1:17:22I got a part time job helping out at the Green Dragon.
1:17:22 > 1:17:25- What, the pub with the restaurant? - Just on Saturdays.
1:17:27 > 1:17:30- How much are they paying you? - She didn't say.
1:17:33 > 1:17:36I thought you'd be pleased I was out from under your feet for a bit.
1:17:36 > 1:17:38Uh-huh, yeah.
1:17:38 > 1:17:40No, you don't.
1:17:40 > 1:17:43Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I was born yesterday?
1:17:43 > 1:17:45I know what you're up to.
1:17:45 > 1:17:49Well, two can play at that game, sunshine.
1:17:49 > 1:17:50I'll give you boeuf bourguignon.
1:17:50 > 1:17:54Tomorrow, we'll have duck a l'orange or should it be coq au vin?
1:17:54 > 1:17:57And then some moules mariniere. I can do foreign muck, as well.
1:17:57 > 1:18:00- And that's just for starters.- Joan! - I don't know what you're on about.
1:18:00 > 1:18:03Quiches, tortes, omelettes, seafood, souffles, the bleeding lot.
1:18:03 > 1:18:05In fact, I think I'll just rustle up a tarte tatin.
1:18:05 > 1:18:08That's a caramelised apple pie in case you're wondering!
1:18:08 > 1:18:10Just stop it!
1:18:10 > 1:18:12Enough is enough.
1:18:12 > 1:18:15Enough fighting, enough food.
1:18:18 > 1:18:21Will you just please try to get on?
1:18:24 > 1:18:26This is miserable.
1:18:41 > 1:18:42I'm sorry, Dad.
1:18:46 > 1:18:49Oh, just go away, Nigel.
1:19:26 > 1:19:28Are you all right?
1:19:28 > 1:19:29Er, yes.
1:19:29 > 1:19:34Yes...perfectly fine.
1:19:34 > 1:19:36Thanks very much.
1:19:36 > 1:19:39Thank you.
1:20:01 > 1:20:03Mavis!
1:20:03 > 1:20:04Hello?
1:20:07 > 1:20:09You're Nigel, aren't you?
1:20:09 > 1:20:12The Fanny Cradock of Knightswick Lane.
1:20:12 > 1:20:15Not any more. My dad stopped me coming.
1:20:15 > 1:20:17To be honest, I only came to get out of the house.
1:20:17 > 1:20:22Though I think I'd like to be a cook eventually. How come you know so much about it?
1:20:22 > 1:20:23I don't, really.
1:20:23 > 1:20:26My granny was French, I just picked a few things up on holiday.
1:20:26 > 1:20:28They've got a very good attitude, the French.
1:20:28 > 1:20:31- Like Marguerite Patten.- Marguerite Patten is from High Barnet.
1:20:31 > 1:20:36They follow their instincts.
1:20:36 > 1:20:38Let's get out of here.
1:20:38 > 1:20:43That's the trouble with everyone round here, they're all so hidebound.
1:20:43 > 1:20:46If you don't get out, you'll turn into your parents.
1:20:47 > 1:20:49How long have you lived here?
1:20:49 > 1:20:52A few years. We moved from Wolverhampton.
1:20:52 > 1:20:55Oh, the culinary capital of the Midlands(!)
1:20:55 > 1:20:57What made you want to be a chef?
1:20:57 > 1:21:01Don't know, really. I just like it.
1:21:01 > 1:21:03Somehow it feels quite natural.
1:21:03 > 1:21:06How did you know you wanted to be a ballet dancer?
1:21:06 > 1:21:11I don't. I only agreed to go down there so I could get away from them.
1:21:11 > 1:21:13So you don't want to be a ballet dancer?
1:21:13 > 1:21:17God, no. I don't have a clue what I want to be.
1:21:21 > 1:21:25- How the hell do you stand it here? - I don't have much choice.
1:21:26 > 1:21:28You've every choice in the world.
1:21:28 > 1:21:34You just got to be brave. You can be anything you want to be.
1:21:34 > 1:21:38- Do you think?- Sure.
1:21:38 > 1:21:40If you've got the nerve.
1:21:41 > 1:21:44You just have to be prepared to risk something.
1:22:12 > 1:22:14See?
1:22:14 > 1:22:16You can be anything you want to be.
1:22:18 > 1:22:21Come on, Elizabeth David, we better be getting back.
1:22:26 > 1:22:28Stuart!
1:22:30 > 1:22:32Wait!
1:22:36 > 1:22:37< Stuart!
1:22:39 > 1:22:40- See you. - < Come on!
1:22:41 > 1:22:46- Can I see you tomorrow? - Tough tits, Big Ears.
1:22:46 > 1:22:49- I've got to be in White Lodge in the morning.- What?- Term starts on Monday.
1:22:49 > 1:22:54- Come on!- Don't worry, sweetheart, you'll find someone else to play with.
1:22:54 > 1:22:56Please. Don't leave me here alone.
1:23:02 > 1:23:04You'll be all right, Nige.
1:23:15 > 1:23:18- Who's that?- Nigel. He used to work in the restaurant.
1:23:31 > 1:23:34Dad?! Hello?
1:23:40 > 1:23:43I told him to leave it. I told him we'd get a gardener.
1:23:43 > 1:23:46I said leave it till next week.
1:23:48 > 1:23:49He hadn't even eaten properly.
1:23:49 > 1:23:53- What's happened?- I told him, Nigel. I told him. He just wouldn't listen.
1:23:53 > 1:23:55Mrs Potter, what's going on?
1:23:55 > 1:23:57He's gone.
1:23:57 > 1:24:01One minute he was there with the mower, and the next minute he wasn't.
1:24:01 > 1:24:03What do you mean "he's gone"?
1:24:05 > 1:24:07He's dead, darling.
1:24:10 > 1:24:13We're on our own now, son.
1:24:15 > 1:24:16Oh, my poor darling.
1:24:18 > 1:24:22Don't worry. I'll look after you.
1:24:22 > 1:24:24We're going to get through this together.
1:24:24 > 1:24:26We'll both cook together.
1:24:26 > 1:24:29Lovely, healthy dishes.
1:24:29 > 1:24:34We'll cook a lemon meringue. Every year. In commemoration.
1:24:48 > 1:24:49You did this.
1:25:20 > 1:25:25# Yesterday when I was young
1:25:25 > 1:25:31# The taste of life was sweet as rain upon my tongue
1:25:31 > 1:25:34# I teased at life... #
1:25:34 > 1:25:37KNOCKING AT DOOR < Nigel! Nigel!
1:25:37 > 1:25:41# ..as if it were a foolish game The way the evening breeze... #
1:25:41 > 1:25:43KNOCKING AT DOOR < Nigel! Let me in!
1:25:43 > 1:25:46# ..the thousand dreams I dreamed... #
1:25:46 > 1:25:51< Please, Nigel! Open the door! Talk to me! Nigel!
1:25:54 > 1:25:57< Nigel, come on, son!
1:25:57 > 1:25:59< Let me in, love.
1:25:59 > 1:26:02Son, come on! >
1:26:05 > 1:26:09- I brought you a cup of tea and a nice bit of cake.- I don't want it.
1:26:09 > 1:26:13And I don't have to have it. I don't want you in my life any more.
1:26:13 > 1:26:17Aw, no, you're just upset. What you doing?
1:26:17 > 1:26:20Nigel. Talk to me, son.
1:26:20 > 1:26:22Talk to me!
1:26:23 > 1:26:27You won. I don't have to see you ever again.
1:26:28 > 1:26:31- I'm your mother! - You're nobody.
1:26:33 > 1:26:35No, wait! Stop!
1:26:36 > 1:26:42You're too young! I'm ordering you! Nigel! Slater! Stop this right now!
1:26:42 > 1:26:43I said now!
1:26:45 > 1:26:47Nigel, you can't leave me on me own here!
1:26:47 > 1:26:50You're the only thing I've got!
1:26:50 > 1:26:53I'll make up for everything. I'll cook anything you want me to.
1:26:53 > 1:26:56Please, Nigel, say something to me.
1:26:56 > 1:26:58Thank you.
1:26:58 > 1:27:02What do you mean, thank you?
1:27:02 > 1:27:04What do you mean, thank you?!
1:27:06 > 1:27:09What do you mean?!
1:27:09 > 1:27:13Nigel! Come back, Nigel!
1:27:13 > 1:27:15Nigel Slater! Come back here now!
1:27:22 > 1:27:25- So, how old are you really?- 17.
1:27:25 > 1:27:28- But you have worked in a kitchen? - Yeah.
1:27:28 > 1:27:30I do a very good lemon meringue.
1:27:30 > 1:27:32That's what they all say, sunshine.
1:27:39 > 1:27:42- All right, you're on.- Are you sure?
1:27:46 > 1:27:52# ..The friends I made all somehow seemed to slip away
1:27:52 > 1:27:57# And only now I'm left alone to end the play... #
1:27:57 > 1:28:00You're going to be fine. You're really going to be fine.
1:28:19 > 1:28:24# Oh, yesterday when I was young
1:28:24 > 1:28:29# So many, many songs were waiting to be sung
1:28:29 > 1:28:35# So many wild pleasures lay in store for me
1:28:35 > 1:28:41# And so much pain my eyes refused to see... #
1:28:41 > 1:28:44Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd