0:00:10 > 0:00:13LAUGHTER
0:00:16 > 0:00:20Hey, Harry, that lad of yours, he never stops, does he?
0:00:20 > 0:00:22I know.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25HE HUMS NONCHALANTLY
0:00:25 > 0:00:28- He'll wear himself out. - He's like this all the time.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- BAND PLAYS - # Let's have a tiddly at the Milk Bar
0:00:52 > 0:00:56MUSIC: NELLIE WALLACE # So let's have a tiddly at the Milk Bar
0:00:56 > 0:00:59# Let's make a night of it tonight
0:01:00 > 0:01:03# Let's have a tiddly at the Milk Bar
0:01:04 > 0:01:08# Let's paint the town a lovely white
0:01:08 > 0:01:10# You buy half a pint
0:01:10 > 0:01:12# I'll buy half a pint... #
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Boys. If I don't make it,
0:01:28 > 0:01:32then give my wine gums to my sweetheart.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36OK, men.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40What the...?!
0:01:44 > 0:01:45You buggers!
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Go, go!
0:01:52 > 0:01:56SHOOT-OUT EFFECTS FROM WESTERN
0:02:06 > 0:02:07I've been hit!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12WESTERN SOUNDTRACK: Come on, git up!
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I said get up, you snake!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Ma, I can see Ma.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23And she's not laughin'.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Just entertaining the lads. - I'll entertain you in a minute.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- You can't play cowboys and Indians all your life.- Can't I?
0:02:32 > 0:02:36- Home, now, you'll be late for your dance class.- See you, lads.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Bye, Eric.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46# So let's have a tiddly at the Milk Bar
0:02:46 > 0:02:51# (HUMS)... old cow.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54TOILET FLUSHES
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Ladies and gentlemen, you loved him last time...
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I'm sure you'll love him this time.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Give a big Beeston welcome to Carson and Kid.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21# What I couldn't be, little pal
0:03:21 > 0:03:26# I want you to be, little pal
0:03:26 > 0:03:29# I want you to laugh and to sing and play
0:03:29 > 0:03:34# And be good to Mother while Daddy's away
0:03:34 > 0:03:37# I'll pray every night, little pal
0:03:39 > 0:03:42# That you'll turn out all right, little pal
0:03:43 > 0:03:49# So if we meet again, heaven knows where or when
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- # Think of me now and then, little pal. #
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Have you got the sprockets?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08No, I always walk like this.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Do you want to buy me an airgun?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- Why would I want to buy you an air gun?- Because I laugh at your jokes.
0:04:16 > 0:04:22- Very good but no. You'll have to save up from your pocket money. - I don't get pocket money.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Well, when you do you can save up for it.- I've got a better idea.
0:04:25 > 0:04:31- I give up dance classes and the money we save buys me an airgun. What do you reckon?- I'll see, all right.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35What the bloody flip are you playing at, it's 10 past. Why don't you keep an eye on the time?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- If you get oil on that shirt... - We're doing up his bike.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39It's going to be bespoke.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- Be-spoke!- I'll bespoke you if you don't get movin'.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Dad says I can give up dance classes.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46- Hey...- Dad's talking scribble then.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50He says with the money we save he'll buy me an airgun. Didn't you?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- I didn't say it was a done deal exactly.- Get your coat on, Eric.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56And you, stop filling his head with daft ideas. He's got enough of his own!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59The bike will still be here when you get back.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Airgun... Where's an airgun going to get you?
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- Will you get a ruddy move on! - Could have got changed when I got there.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Nobody's looking at you, I don't know where you get that daft idea from.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14I've got my own plans, you know.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18- This better not be a joke. - At 15, I'll get a paper round.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20At 17, I'll learn to read it.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Very funny. Very cute. Write it down, use it after your Bud Flanagan.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26CAR HORN BEEPS
0:05:26 > 0:05:30- Look at Eric!- Oh, no. Flaming heck!
0:05:31 > 0:05:32# I'm not all there
0:05:32 > 0:05:34# There's something missing... #
0:05:34 > 0:05:37More gormless!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Shoulders.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41No, more gormless!
0:05:41 > 0:05:431, 2, 3.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Eric, what does your dad look like when he's checking his coupon?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Skip and...
0:05:52 > 0:05:55TRAIN WHISTLES
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Tiddly at the Milk Bar, My Little Pal, Sheikh Of Araby.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09I think we should open with Sheikh of Araby.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Then the white horse gag.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Get them on our side, then make them cry.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Fair enough.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34# Let's have a tiddly at the milk bar
0:06:34 > 0:06:37# Let's make a night of it tonight
0:06:37 > 0:06:41# Let's have a tiddly at the milk bar
0:06:41 > 0:06:45# Let's paint the town a lovely white
0:06:45 > 0:06:49# You buy half a pint, I'll buy half a pint
0:06:49 > 0:06:52# We'll try to drink a pint somehow
0:06:52 > 0:06:55# So let's have a tiddly at the milk bar
0:06:55 > 0:06:59# And drink to the dear old cow. #
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Then we go into a more sentimental number for the big finish.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Not a dry eye in the house, guaranteed.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14It works better if I'm in blackface for it, but you get the idea.
0:07:14 > 0:07:19Don't bother, Ronnie, I've seen enough. Now, I need an act for tonight.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Ernie, I could use.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24But not you, Mr Wise.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32But we're Carson and Kid.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33Well, it's Kid I want.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39You can stay on and do a few bits and pieces while the lad's there
0:07:39 > 0:07:45so he's not on his own, but let's be clear about one thing, it's Ernie as a solo act.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Take it or leave it.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Next!
0:08:03 > 0:08:06We can go straight home and do the clubs.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09We were doing all right.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Let's just get the train home.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21I don't have to play the West End.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Of course you have to play it.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Chance of a lifetime.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29You understand that, don't you?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33I can't stay, son.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Let's get you to the hotel.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38You understand, don't you?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Your mam's got her hands full.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Come on.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45We can't survive on bits and pieces.
0:08:48 > 0:08:53Bloody hell! What would your brothers and sisters make of this, eh?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01What about that?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- Talk about living!- Grand, yes.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09And think on.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Don't trust any bugger.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Ever. Keep yoursen to yoursen.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Work hard, never let up.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Don't fall for girls. Keep your bank book close to your heart.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Of course.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22You do what Mr Hylton tells you, all right?
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Yes, Dad.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I'm proud of you.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47You hear me?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Good lad.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17'Ernie? Ernie?'
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Are you nervous, lad?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22No.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to give a big hand for a very big talent.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Little Ernie Wise!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30APPLAUSE
0:10:30 > 0:10:32JAZZY MUSIC
0:10:50 > 0:10:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:55 > 0:10:59# I know they think I'm slow
0:10:59 > 0:11:01# Let them think, let them think
0:11:01 > 0:11:03# I don't care
0:11:03 > 0:11:08# Sometimes I run errands for the folk at the Grange
0:11:08 > 0:11:10# With a five pound note they trust me
0:11:10 > 0:11:13# Perhaps you think that's strange
0:11:13 > 0:11:17# But they never call a policeman when I say I've lost the change
0:11:17 > 0:11:21# Cos I'm not supposed to be all there. #
0:11:21 > 0:11:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Eric Bartholomew, ladies and gentlemen.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36And now we'd like to introduce Nelly Braithwaite, Flight of the Bumblebee.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39What did I tell you? Best act here by a mile.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I'm not wearing this again. Look at the state of me!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Give over. The bigger you are, the funnier it looks.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46HE SNORES
0:11:46 > 0:11:48FRONT DOOR CLOSES
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Never mind, son.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59- Happen you'll lose next time. - I heard that.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12- Guess what first prize was? - By the look on your face, I take it it wasn't tea with Miss Blackpool.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- An audition.- Another audition? - Not just another audition.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18He gets to audition for Jack Hylton.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Oh, Jack Hylton.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23THE Jack Hylton?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Well, I'll be.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Who's Jack Hylton?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Ha-ha!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33ORGAN PLAYS
0:12:35 > 0:12:37APPLAUSE
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Thank you, thank you so much.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Thank you so much.
0:12:54 > 0:13:00Now, the reason you are all here is because you've got talent.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03You've proved that by winning your regionals.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07But I'm here to tell you that talent counts for nothing
0:13:07 > 0:13:10without hard work, application and nerve.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12But don't just take my word for it.
0:13:12 > 0:13:18Oh, no. There's a young man come here today, just like you a few years back, young man, yes!
0:13:18 > 0:13:22He auditioned for me in the afternoon and I put him onstage
0:13:22 > 0:13:27at the London Palladium with Arthur Askey that very night.
0:13:27 > 0:13:33Let me please introduce you to the current star of Youth Takes a Bow.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Britain's Mickey Rooney... Ernie Wise!
0:13:36 > 0:13:39APPLAUSE
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Why can't I wear something like that?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- It's not funny. - It is with him in it.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Boys and girls, welcome.
0:13:57 > 0:14:03When I first appeared at the Palladium, they called me the Jack Buchanan of tomorrow.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06And who knows, perhaps one of you out there right now
0:14:06 > 0:14:12will one day be written up as the Ernie Wise of tomorrow.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Or the Jack Buchanan of a week last Tuesday.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Isn't he confident?
0:14:20 > 0:14:26- That's one word for it.- Next... - Crack a smile, why don't you? - I'm not doing it.- ..Eric Bartholomew!
0:14:26 > 0:14:30You've come this far, of course you're ruddy doing it! You could be like Ernie Wise.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34I don't want to be like Ernie Wise. Big head, short legs, full of himself.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- Eric Bartholomew! - Go on, give it all you've got.
0:14:37 > 0:14:42If you do, I'll buy you that airgun. How about that?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Right, Adolf. This will put a goose in your step!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Prepare to see the finest display of gunmanship
0:14:54 > 0:14:56since Nelson shot Napoleon in the Dardanelles.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00MUSIC: "Guarding the Home of the Home Guard" by George Formby
0:15:01 > 0:15:04# I'm guarding the home of the Home Guard
0:15:04 > 0:15:07# Guarding the Home Guard's home... #
0:15:07 > 0:15:08Eric!
0:15:09 > 0:15:15- Eric!- Have I been called up?- Yes. - Oh, they know a sniper when they see one.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18They've picked you. You're in Youth Takes a Bow!
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Flaming heck!
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Your favourite. Before you say anything, George, I know tinned salmon is not an everyday thing,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32but it's not every day, is it?
0:15:32 > 0:15:33And, oi!
0:15:33 > 0:15:38- Vanilla slice for afters. One each. - Bloody hell, what's he landed, London Palladium?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Only a matter of time, according to Mr Hylton.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Six months on the road, who knows where it might lead?
0:15:43 > 0:15:48- How do you mean, on the road? - We'll not be back every night if we're touring the country, will we?
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- No, I suppose not, now you mention it.- Touring the country?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- When will I see my mates? - You'll make new mates.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Variety mates. Mates with a bit of something about them.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I don't want variety mates, I've got a gang here. And an airgun.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06- Eric, do you want to be tied to a whistle all your life like your dad? - Well...- Eric, listen to me.
0:16:06 > 0:16:11You make people laugh, you're a lovely dancer and you can hold a tune.
0:16:11 > 0:16:17But more than that, and I mean this as the mother who carried you and nursed you and raised you,
0:16:17 > 0:16:19you aren't any good at anything else.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22You told me it was the teachers' fault!
0:16:22 > 0:16:27You were bottom of the class at everything except fooling around.
0:16:27 > 0:16:33So if fooling around is what you are good at, then why not do it for a living, then?
0:16:33 > 0:16:34There's no answer to that.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39What's your name again, sonny?
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Eric Bartholomew. He's a bit nervous, first day and all that.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49- Bet you were just the same, weren't you?- Not really. I went straight on in the West End.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54- Arthur said it was as though I'd been doing it for years. - You should get some new material.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Arthur Askey, he's a lovely fella.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Hey, I'll introduce you when he comes down. Good luck, sonny.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- APPLAUSE - Thank you, thank you,
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Arthur Tolcher.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to go easy on this next youngster,
0:17:13 > 0:17:17because it's his first time on a professional stage.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22- I'll smash his face in!- You'll do no such thing.- A warm welcome
0:17:22 > 0:17:24for the big baby...
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Eric Bartholomew!
0:17:26 > 0:17:31- Eric, Eric, go!- Right.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32I'll give them a big baby.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34What are you doing?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49LAUGHTER
0:17:56 > 0:17:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Ernie! Ernie!
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Eric can sign a couple if you're very quick.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09I'm Not All There. You maybe don't recognise him, the lollipop.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Thank you. You were great, you were really good.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- Thank you.- Thank you.
0:18:24 > 0:18:30- Ernie, are you with us at Mrs Last's?- No, I'm with a Mrs Waite. She's kept me the first floor front.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- Where's your mother? - She's at home in Leeds.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- Have you not got a chaperone? - Why would I need a chaperone?
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Cheerio.
0:18:40 > 0:18:45- Did you hear that?- Yeah, even his own mother's fed up with him.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- Yes?- Ernie Wise, I'm booked in for two nights.
0:18:52 > 0:18:57- Ernie who?- Wise. I'm the headline in Youth Takes a Bow.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Mr Hylton has made my arrangements.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Not with me, he hasn't. Try Mrs Last's on Cross Street, love.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05But...
0:19:11 > 0:19:13AIR RAID SIREN WAILS
0:19:24 > 0:19:26# Oh, you beautiful doll... #
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Swing, tap, swing.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Sidestep, sidestep.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- Picture. Picture. - BOMB WHISTLES OVERHEAD
0:19:34 > 0:19:36LOUD CRASH
0:19:40 > 0:19:44- Mum? You know said I'd enjoy showbusiness?- Yeah.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I'm not. KNOCK AT DOOR
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Aagh!
0:19:48 > 0:19:51That were very close.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52All you all right in here?
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- Yes. What about everybody else? - Everybody's fine.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- It'll be bad news for somebody. - Hope it didn't hit the theatre.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02KNOCK AT DOOR
0:20:02 > 0:20:06If that's Hitler, tell him he missed!
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- Come on, come on! - All right, I'm coming.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13I'm Ernie Wise, I'm looking for a room for tonight.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15We're fit to burst in here.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Come in a minute.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I'll get a pencil and paper and I'll write some addresses down.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Is that Ernie, is that our Ernie?
0:20:22 > 0:20:27- Hello, Mrs Bartholomew.- What are you doing wandering around in the blackout? You're not courting?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32A mix-up with the digs, I'm just sorting something out.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35We can't have you wandering the streets. You can share with us.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43What happened to your first floor front, then? Eh?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Did it not pass muster?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51My digs got bombed.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Expecting you, were they?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Come on, you and me will have to top and tail.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00- What? I'm not sharing with you! - Good, I was hoping you'd say that. You and Ernie can top and tail.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- Are you keeping your socks on, are you?- Yes.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20When did you last change them?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22February.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31You've got all the blankets.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I'm top of the bill.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- See you tomorrow.- Hang on, Eric, I'm bunking up with you again.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- Oh, no, sunshine. - I arranged it with your mum.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48- You didn't want to ask me about it, then?- Hey, give over sulking.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- We'll all save a few bob and you might learn some manners.- Allow me.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Thank you, Ernie.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Go on.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05- How much have you saved so far? - Sixpence ha'penny.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Jelly baby?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- Thank you.- Don't take a boy.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Perhaps he's not all there.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- What?- Your song, I'm Not All There.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22That's what it's about, your whatsits are missing. It's a double meaning.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26No, it's a simpleton routine, isn't it, mum?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33I was going to tell you when you were 21.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I can't believe it.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Goodnight, boys.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39All right, who's this?
0:22:39 > 0:22:43I thought I told you to just drink half the soda.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46I did, but my half was at the bottom!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48AIR RAID SIREN WAILS
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Flaming heck!
0:22:57 > 0:23:03'We have to be prepared in the Mediterranean as the air battle is continuing...'
0:23:12 > 0:23:15MUSIC PLAYING ON RECORD PLAYER
0:23:26 > 0:23:29And now, I bring you... Mr Fred Astaire!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Ernie, Ernie. Enough now.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42It was lovely, but we're trying to get a bit of rest.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- You were rubbish anyway.- Hey!
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- All right!- Get out of that. - Ssh, ssh, ssh, the pair of you!
0:23:50 > 0:23:53It's like being trapped with the Crazy Gang.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57- I see us as a more of a Wilson, Keppel and Betty.- I think you'll find there are three of them.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02Now there's a novelty! LAUGHTER
0:24:02 > 0:24:08- Go on. Write that down.- Eh? - That was a good gag, you can work up a double act.
0:24:08 > 0:24:13Solo from Ernie, soft shoe to finish. Let Ernie do it, he's got better handwriting.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I've missed this.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Me too.
0:24:22 > 0:24:27You can see it every day, there isn't a better view in the world.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I thought you meant holding hands.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31I did, you daft beggar.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Sorry we're away so much.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Get away with you.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43It's not too much for you, being on your tod all the time?
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Who says I'm on me tod? Ada Bailey makes a very acceptable egg custard.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52Ha-ha! She had ringworm right through school, I just thought you should know that.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Give us a cuddle.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02- What are you supposed to be? - A businessman.- A businessman doesn't walk like that.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04You don't know my business.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- Those two ever stop?- Not really.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11I sometimes wonder what I've started.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26APPLAUSE
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- What's this?- What's what?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- What's that? - A Greek urn.- What's a Greek urn?
0:25:38 > 0:25:42About 30 bob a week. LAUGHTER
0:25:42 > 0:25:45That reminds me, can you lend me £2, please?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47It's all right, one'll do.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Now you owe me one.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51I don't understand.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Lend me £2.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55No, it's all right, one'll do. Now you owe me one.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57I don't understand.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59It's not sharp enough. Do it again, faster.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Lend me £2. No, it's all right, one'll do.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- Now you owe me one. - I don't understand.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Lend me £2. No, it's all right, one'll do.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- Now you owe me one. - I don't understand.- I'll show you.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- Ask me for £2. - Lend me £2.- There's £2.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- How much have you asked for?- £2. - How much have I given you?- £2.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Now you owe me two. Now we're all square.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20ERIC SOBS
0:26:20 > 0:26:23What are you crying for? You've just conned me out of £2!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25It's me father.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29He died this morning.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Oh, that's terrible! How did it happen?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34He was on the roof of a paint factory,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37slipped, fell through.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39He drowned in a tank of varnish.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40That's a horrible way to go.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44On the contrary, everybody said he had a beautiful finish.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46I thank you!
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Very sharp last night, lads, very sharp.
0:26:51 > 0:26:56- Sharp enough to give us a rise? - Sharp enough for you to strike out on your own.- What?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58You're not sacking us, are you?
0:26:58 > 0:27:03- You can't sack them. - Hey, nobody's sacking anybody. - Thank goodness for that.
0:27:03 > 0:27:08I'm letting you go. The show is called Youth Takes a Bow.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- So what?- They're 18 years old.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14It's more like Grown Men Taking Liberties.
0:27:14 > 0:27:19The audience wants plucky little boys and girls. They want cute.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22You are a lot of things, boys, but cute ain't one of them.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Besides, king and country will be knocking any minute. Sorry, lads.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28No hard feelings.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Ernie, can I have a word?
0:27:38 > 0:27:42Shall we wait for you, Ernie?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44You run along, Mrs B.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Oh, not another blooming power cut!
0:28:14 > 0:28:16What are you playing at, sitting in the dark?
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Ta-da!
0:28:18 > 0:28:24- You daft beggar.- Oh, it's like Morecambe illuminations. Only bigger.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Ta-da!
0:28:26 > 0:28:29I'll make a brew while I can still see the kettle.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32It'll be a green one, it's always a green one.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Does anybody actually like sprouts?
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Shut up and keep peeling.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45Why do folks send Christmas cards so late?
0:28:45 > 0:28:47I forget Dorothy Gambit every year.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49KNOCK AT DOOR
0:28:49 > 0:28:52- Sounds like a big turkey!- Ha-ha!
0:28:52 > 0:28:56- Well, well, well, look who it is! - That rules the Salvation Army out.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Look who the wind's blown in.
0:28:58 > 0:29:02Father Christmas must be close, one of his little helpers is here already!
0:29:02 > 0:29:05At least say hello before your routine. What a lovely surprise.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07It is if you like sprouts.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10It's a bit crowded at ours, as it turned out.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Well, there's always room for you here, Ernie.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18Oh, yes, there's always room for Lily White.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21I expect I'll be sleeping in the coal bunker.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25Ern, you're missing your best mate, Arthur Askey's on!
0:29:25 > 0:29:26Nightingale!
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Go in and listen if you want.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34- I'll get these done first. - Good lad, Ernie.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36It's the least I can do.
0:29:36 > 0:29:40- Why's that, then?- Well, you've given me Christmas and everything.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43- Whatever else would it be? - I don't know.
0:29:43 > 0:29:48- You might be feeling bad about planning to go solo. - What makes you think that?
0:29:48 > 0:29:52Because if I was Jack Hylton, I might have advised you to give Eric the push and go solo.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58How did you know?
0:29:58 > 0:30:00He told Eric to do the same.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04- What did Eric say? - He said you were partners,
0:30:04 > 0:30:08and you'd stick together thick and thin, there was nothing more to say.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Why? What did you say?
0:30:13 > 0:30:17Well, it's difficult to know what to think.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20Jack Hylton knows what he's talking about. There's no-one bigger.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23You don't need Jack Hylton, you need Eric.
0:30:23 > 0:30:29Stay with Jack Hylton, you'll be Little Ernie Wise all your life. You and Eric, you belong together.
0:30:29 > 0:30:33You're both good solo acts, very good. But you're a great double act.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36- And do you know why?- I've a feeling you're about to tell me!
0:30:36 > 0:30:39Because you have a great feel for the material.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43You know what works, as a pair. You just do.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46You just need to trust your instincts.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55I knew you were too bright to disagree with me!
0:30:55 > 0:30:58- Do you need a hand?- Oh, now he asks me, now the job's done!
0:30:58 > 0:31:01- Come on! It's cracker time! - I might have a cracker.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04- Are they jokes or mottoes? - I hope it's jokes... - We need the material.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08THEY LAUGH
0:31:08 > 0:31:11Nightingale!
0:31:13 > 0:31:15'On Christmas Day,
0:31:15 > 0:31:20'I speak to millions of you,
0:31:20 > 0:31:21'scattered far...'
0:31:21 > 0:31:23Ta-da!!
0:31:23 > 0:31:27- Hmm.- '..across the world...'
0:31:29 > 0:31:33Doesn't feel the same, Christmas, without Eric and Ernie, does it?
0:31:33 > 0:31:36Still, they'll be back on Civvy Street soon enough.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39Mmm. Jobless on Civvy Street, if I can't find them something.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42Southampton Hippodrome looking for acts.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44Oh. No double acts, no vets.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51Could we not treat ourselves to a new Advent calendar next year?
0:31:51 > 0:31:53We're not made of money.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56Swansea Empire...
0:31:56 > 0:31:58looking for dancing girls.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01- Well, Ernie's got the legs for it! - Hmm!
0:32:01 > 0:32:05You know what I think's holding them back?
0:32:05 > 0:32:08- The war?- Eric's name. Bartholomew and Wise?
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Sounds like a firm of solicitors.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14Oh. His name.
0:32:17 > 0:32:18Got it!
0:32:18 > 0:32:21That's what he should call himself.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Eric Visitor?
0:32:23 > 0:32:25TRAIN WHISTLES
0:32:35 > 0:32:36Hello, Eric!
0:32:36 > 0:32:38Hello!
0:32:41 > 0:32:43Hey, you've grown!
0:32:43 > 0:32:49- Oh, have I?- So, was it dark?- Was what dark?- Hiding in Churchill's cigar box until the war was over.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51- Hello, Mrs B. - Are you ready to start work again?
0:32:51 > 0:32:53I think I already have!
0:32:53 > 0:32:56- I've got the pair of you a job. - A job? Is it number three circuit?
0:32:56 > 0:33:00- Not quite number three. - It's not pie and peas, is it?
0:33:00 > 0:33:02No, it's better than pie and peas.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Well, it's a job.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08I know it's not up to our usual standards.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11I didn't know I had standards, till I got here.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13LLAMA BLEATS
0:33:14 > 0:33:17CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS
0:33:28 > 0:33:30SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:33:42 > 0:33:44- Hey, what are you doing? - I'm fishing.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47You don't catch fish with an apple, you catch fish with a worm!
0:33:47 > 0:33:49It's all right, the worm's in the apple.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58Stop playing with your woggle, son, it's not nice.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01You can't talk to a wolf cub like that!
0:34:01 > 0:34:04It's for his own good! I'm only thinking of his ging-gang-goolie!
0:34:04 > 0:34:06ERNIE SNIGGERS Did I say something funny?
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Very nearly!
0:34:08 > 0:34:11- Come on.- Oh, you're off, then?
0:34:11 > 0:34:12We'll carry on, though.
0:34:24 > 0:34:25Much needed sustenance.
0:34:25 > 0:34:29- Thank you, Ernie. - Homemade.- Oh, I see!
0:34:29 > 0:34:31Bit of courting in your spare time?
0:34:37 > 0:34:40Nothing as irresistible as a small fellow with cake.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42Come on, cheer up.
0:34:42 > 0:34:46Happen things will pick up after the advertising campaign.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49What advertising campaign?
0:34:56 > 0:35:00THEY TITTER
0:35:05 > 0:35:06Oh, it's a living!
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Undignified.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12I'm not laughing.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15- The Victoria Theatre, Henley. - They've got Jewel and Warris.
0:35:15 > 0:35:21- Found an ad for a couple of comics to close down a show?- That wasn't your fault. It was never going to work.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24- The Davenport, Stockport. - It's a panto, too simple.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27- I'll get Dad to put in a word with the council.- Oh? - Bournemouth Winter Gardens.
0:35:27 > 0:35:31What makes you think he wants to? Manager's a lunatic. You'd never get paid.
0:35:31 > 0:35:38- You wouldn't mind, would you?- Well, there's two sides to everything, isn't there?- It'd kill you.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41- It'd kill you, you mean. - Your mum's right, you won't be happy in Morecambe.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44Just because you were born tap-dancing, like a clockwork mouse!
0:35:44 > 0:35:51The pair of you are brilliant, but you won't get noticed up here. You need to be in London.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01Do you think we should go to London?
0:36:02 > 0:36:04Ooh...
0:36:04 > 0:36:07You know me, I don't go much on thinking.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10Well, if you did, what would you say?
0:36:13 > 0:36:15Thing is...
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Thing is,
0:36:18 > 0:36:23I think you should listen to your mum and Ernie,
0:36:23 > 0:36:26and weigh the whole thing up.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32Don't you mind being on your own all the time?
0:36:34 > 0:36:39Eric seems to be under the impression that you're going down to London with them.
0:36:39 > 0:36:43Somebody's got to pay the rent, and I'd get more skivvying down there than up here.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46- Oh, right.- You don't mind too much, do you?
0:36:46 > 0:36:49No, course I don't mind.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51It's not forever, just until they get set up, like.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53I don't mind.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56What? What is it?
0:37:00 > 0:37:02Sometimes I think it might be nice if you did.
0:37:04 > 0:37:05All right,
0:37:05 > 0:37:07I do mind.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09I'm begging you not to go.
0:37:09 > 0:37:10Now, will that stop you?
0:37:15 > 0:37:18No, not really.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20Well, there you are, then.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22There you are.
0:37:46 > 0:37:48You going to spit it out, lad?
0:37:48 > 0:37:51- You wouldn't listen. - You're a performer.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54- A born performer.- It isn't about performing, it's about Dad.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56What about Dad?
0:37:59 > 0:38:01I think you take advantage.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04I think he's dead easy-going, and you take advantage.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07Oh. Do you?
0:38:07 > 0:38:09Well, it's a bit more complicated than that.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11Well, how?
0:38:12 > 0:38:15I thought you knew about double acts.
0:38:15 > 0:38:16What?
0:38:16 > 0:38:19It's just a bit more complicated.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21Let's leave it at that, shall we?
0:38:34 > 0:38:35Next!
0:38:41 > 0:38:42Strewth!
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Name?
0:38:44 > 0:38:46Morecambe and Wise.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50PIANO INTRO: "BY THE LIGHT OF THE SILVERY MOON"
0:38:55 > 0:38:58- # By the light... - Not the dark, but the light.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00# Of the silvery moon
0:39:00 > 0:39:02Not the sun, but the moon.
0:39:02 > 0:39:05- # I want to spoon... - He's going to spoon.
0:39:05 > 0:39:09# To my honey I'll croon love's tune
0:39:09 > 0:39:12- # Honeymoon... - He's going on a honeymoon.
0:39:12 > 0:39:16# Keep a-shining in June
0:39:16 > 0:39:20# Your silvery beams will bring love's dreams
0:39:20 > 0:39:23# We'll be cuddling soon
0:39:23 > 0:39:26- # By the silvery moon... - Get off!
0:39:26 > 0:39:30- # By the light... - Not the dark, but the light.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33- # Of the silvery moon... - Not the sun, but the m...
0:39:39 > 0:39:42- You're booked.- Thank you.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45Thank you. Oh!
0:39:45 > 0:39:47SLINKY, JAZZY MUSIC
0:40:19 > 0:40:21Got a cigarette, darling?
0:40:21 > 0:40:23Er... yeah.
0:40:31 > 0:40:32How about a light?
0:40:32 > 0:40:35Yeah. There you go.
0:40:52 > 0:40:56- What's her name again?- I don't know, I call her the five of spades.
0:40:56 > 0:40:57- Morecambe and Wise!- We're on.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03Hello, music lovers!
0:41:05 > 0:41:08Feel free to applaud one-handed, gentlemen.
0:41:12 > 0:41:17If you don't laugh, then we might be forced to take our clothes off. Then you'd laugh, believe me.
0:41:17 > 0:41:20SOLITARY LAUGHTER
0:41:20 > 0:41:24- Was that a laugh?- I don't know, I've forgotten what they sound like. - Strike it up, fellas.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27INTRO TO "BY THE LIGHT OF THE SILVERY MOON"
0:41:28 > 0:41:30- # By the light... - Not the dark, but the light.
0:41:30 > 0:41:34- # Of the silvery moon... - Not the sun, but the moon. What was that?
0:41:34 > 0:41:37- # I want to spoon... - Pardon?
0:41:37 > 0:41:42# To my honey I'll croon love's tune
0:41:42 > 0:41:44- # Honeymoon... - He's going on a honeymoon.
0:41:44 > 0:41:48- # Keep a-shining in June... - January, February, March, forget it.
0:41:48 > 0:41:52# Your silvery beams will bring love's dreams
0:41:52 > 0:41:54# We'll be cuddling soon
0:41:54 > 0:41:57- Not me, you won't. - # By the silvery moon
0:41:57 > 0:41:59Get off me!
0:41:59 > 0:42:02- # By the light... - Not the dark, but the light.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04# Of the silvery moon
0:42:04 > 0:42:06Not the sun, but the moon.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09- # I want to spoon... - He's going to spoon somebody.
0:42:09 > 0:42:14# To my honey I'll croon love's tune
0:42:14 > 0:42:15# Honeymoon
0:42:15 > 0:42:18- What are you doing? - Having a little dance.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20This is my solo!
0:42:22 > 0:42:24What was that?
0:42:24 > 0:42:27# We'll be cuddling soon
0:42:27 > 0:42:29# By the silvery moon
0:42:29 > 0:42:32- What's this bit?- The ballet bit. - Oh, right.
0:42:45 > 0:42:47# Honeymoon
0:42:47 > 0:42:51- Honeymoon, you've said that. - # Keep a-shining in June...
0:42:51 > 0:42:52Very good.
0:42:52 > 0:42:56# Your silvery beams will bring love's dreams
0:42:56 > 0:42:59- # We'll be cuddling soon... - What you doing?
0:42:59 > 0:43:01# By the silvery moon
0:43:03 > 0:43:05# By the silvery moon
0:43:06 > 0:43:08# By the silvery moon
0:43:10 > 0:43:12# By the silvery... #
0:43:14 > 0:43:17Moon! Ha-hey!
0:43:21 > 0:43:24- The girls don't come out this way.- No, no, no.
0:43:24 > 0:43:26It was you, you I wanted to see.
0:43:26 > 0:43:28Oh, that's a worry.
0:43:28 > 0:43:31Gordon Noval. Theatrical agent.
0:43:31 > 0:43:34I can make sure you never play dumps like this again.
0:43:36 > 0:43:38- Keep them closed. - I don't like surprises.
0:43:38 > 0:43:41Hey, come on, that's no way to talk about your only child.
0:43:43 > 0:43:45You can open them now.
0:43:45 > 0:43:50- Ham and eggs? What's this in aid of? - I found Ernie's wallet and managed to open it with a crowbar.
0:43:50 > 0:43:54- We've landed a tour. - Number two circuit. £25 a week.
0:43:54 > 0:43:57- £25 a week? When do we start? - We didn't mean you.
0:43:57 > 0:43:59We meant us.
0:44:00 > 0:44:02You've done your bit, Mrs B.
0:44:02 > 0:44:07Yes. We've got a proper manager now, Mum.
0:44:07 > 0:44:11You can go home, put your feet up. And here's your ticket. Ernie, give the lady her ticket.
0:44:11 > 0:44:13First class!
0:44:16 > 0:44:19First class.
0:44:28 > 0:44:30Watch that you tip the stage doorkeeper,
0:44:30 > 0:44:34he'll see your laundry gets done, now I'm not there to do it.
0:44:36 > 0:44:42Always trust your own material. You know better than any other beggar what works and what doesn't.
0:44:42 > 0:44:48Now... you take care of him.
0:44:48 > 0:44:51And you, you take care of him.
0:44:51 > 0:44:53OK.
0:44:56 > 0:44:59Don't let him get his hands on the money.
0:44:59 > 0:45:00HE CHUCKLES
0:45:16 > 0:45:20Say hello to Dad for me. And thanks, Mum. Thanks for everything you've done.
0:45:20 > 0:45:24Don't forget to work hard. Take a leaf out of Ernie's book. Push, push, push.
0:45:24 > 0:45:26Don't go all sentimental on me, Mum.
0:45:26 > 0:45:31Eh? You're never too big to clout, even if I do need a ladder to reach you. Hang on.
0:45:31 > 0:45:35- You've got a bit of breakfast on your chin.- People are looking! - Yeah, well.
0:45:35 > 0:45:38People always will look, you've got that kind of a face.
0:45:39 > 0:45:41Bye, Mum.
0:45:43 > 0:45:45I'll say hello to Dad for you.
0:45:47 > 0:45:49WHISTLE BLOWS
0:46:01 > 0:46:03Ohh!
0:46:40 > 0:46:41Morecambe and Wise.
0:46:43 > 0:46:47You're on the top floor. And don't piss in the sink.
0:46:53 > 0:46:57'I remember my wedding day like it was yesterday.'
0:46:57 > 0:47:00'Do you? You know what an awful day yesterday was.'
0:47:00 > 0:47:02- 'It was a very emotional day.' - 'Was it?'
0:47:02 > 0:47:05'Even the wedding cake was in tears.'
0:47:05 > 0:47:07Morecambe and Wise.
0:47:12 > 0:47:14Ninepence deposit for the plug.
0:47:14 > 0:47:16You get it back at the end of t'week.
0:47:21 > 0:47:23Ernie?
0:47:23 > 0:47:25'Come on, Eric. Put down your urn.'
0:47:25 > 0:47:28'You're short, and I don't like your hair.'
0:47:28 > 0:47:29'You know what I meant.'
0:47:29 > 0:47:32- 'Oh, the urn?!' - 'Yes.'- 'You meant the urn.'
0:47:32 > 0:47:35- 'Why didn't you say that? I'll put it down, then.'- 'Put it down.'
0:47:35 > 0:47:39Morecambe and Wise. Ernie, show the gentleman our plug.
0:47:45 > 0:47:47One and three if you break it.
0:47:48 > 0:47:51Pay him now, Ernie. We might have a party.
0:47:51 > 0:47:53You can't see the join, you know. Very good.
0:47:55 > 0:47:58He's got a lovely wife, as well.
0:47:58 > 0:48:00- Can you see a policeman around here?- No.
0:48:00 > 0:48:04- OK. Stick 'em down! - Surely, you mean stick 'em up?
0:48:04 > 0:48:07Don't confuse me! Just give me your watch.
0:48:07 > 0:48:11What do you want that for? Look, it's worthless. Its only value is sentimental.
0:48:11 > 0:48:14Well, give it to me anyway, I feel like a good cry.
0:48:14 > 0:48:16Ardwick Hippodrome.
0:48:16 > 0:48:18Lovely acoustics there.
0:48:23 > 0:48:25TRAIN WHISTLES
0:48:28 > 0:48:30- 'Tell me about her brother.' - 'He lived with me, and I told him,
0:48:30 > 0:48:35- 'you can treat my house as if it were your own.'- 'And did he?' - 'Yes, he sold it this morning.'
0:48:35 > 0:48:37- 'Where did you meet her?'- 'Who?'
0:48:37 > 0:48:38'Your wife.'
0:48:38 > 0:48:42'Oh, the wife. At a dance. She was the prettiest thing on the ballroom floor.
0:48:42 > 0:48:45'I can see her now, lying there.'
0:48:46 > 0:48:50- Tell me about your father. - He's a very shy man, my father. Very shy indeed.- Is he?
0:48:50 > 0:48:55- Oh, yes. In fact, if he hadn't been so shy, I'd be two years older.- Ooh!
0:49:11 > 0:49:14- Hey, this is all right, isn't it? - It's no more than we deserve.
0:49:18 > 0:49:22- Oh, look, it's Arthur. - "The World in his Harmonica."
0:49:25 > 0:49:29Second on the bill, eh? Knockout.
0:49:29 > 0:49:33Hey! Stage door's round the back.
0:49:33 > 0:49:35We're Morecambe and Wise.
0:49:35 > 0:49:36English comedians?
0:49:36 > 0:49:39Morecambe and Wise, stars of radio.
0:49:39 > 0:49:41We sing, we dance.
0:49:41 > 0:49:43Can you duck?
0:49:45 > 0:49:49- What shall we do today?- Get off! - Let's toss a coin.
0:49:49 > 0:49:54- Heads, we'll go to the dog racing, tails, we'll go to the football. - Go now!
0:49:54 > 0:49:56Go on, get off!
0:49:56 > 0:50:01You know, Eric, you should get away from it all, go somewhere exciting.
0:50:01 > 0:50:06- Spain.- Spain? - HECKLER: I'll pay your bleedin' fare.
0:50:06 > 0:50:10- You'd make a fantastic bullfighter. - HECKLER: You make a bloody terrible comedian.
0:50:10 > 0:50:13LAUGHTER
0:50:13 > 0:50:17SLOW HANDCLAP
0:50:17 > 0:50:20HECKLER: Go on, get away!
0:50:26 > 0:50:27Tough crowd tonight.
0:50:27 > 0:50:30- They're just toying with you tonight, lads.- Oh.
0:50:30 > 0:50:32What if we start with a slap?
0:50:32 > 0:50:34A bit of violence might win them over.
0:50:37 > 0:50:39- What do you think? - I think I'm in love.
0:50:39 > 0:50:41Joan Bartlett? No chance.
0:50:41 > 0:50:44- Former Miss Margate. - Future Mrs Morecambe.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51They've asked us to do an extra five minutes.
0:50:51 > 0:50:53'Oh, that's good. They must like you.'
0:50:53 > 0:50:55- Not really. Des O'Connor fainted on stage. - Best he's ever gone down.
0:50:55 > 0:50:58- It's left a gap in the bill. - Phoof. It's not going to be easy.
0:50:58 > 0:51:01- It's taken you ten years to get ten minutes.- That's what I said.
0:51:03 > 0:51:05What sort of song?
0:51:09 > 0:51:14- If we sing it too slow, we give them a chance to heckle. - Ask them to join him on the song.
0:51:14 > 0:51:18- That way they can't heckle.- That's a good idea. What sort of song?
0:51:18 > 0:51:22What was that thing? Remember Eric did that da-ba-da ba-baa, ba-ba da-bab baa?
0:51:22 > 0:51:25- What was that? Woody Woodpecker. - What do you think, Eric?
0:51:28 > 0:51:29- Eric.- Eric?
0:51:29 > 0:51:31That's a coincidence.
0:51:31 > 0:51:32I'm Joan.
0:51:32 > 0:51:35- Do you like time-wasters, Joan? - Not really.
0:51:35 > 0:51:39Good. Will you do me the honour of marrying me?
0:51:39 > 0:51:43- I don't know you.- Well, that's probably for the best. Are you going to say yes?
0:51:45 > 0:51:47- I've got a better reply.- Oh, I see.
0:51:49 > 0:51:50Fat chance.
0:51:50 > 0:51:52Oh.
0:51:58 > 0:52:00What did I tell you? Not a hope.
0:52:02 > 0:52:06- So, what we doing?- A song. Can't you ever pay attention?
0:52:06 > 0:52:08Oh, a song. Good idea. What song?
0:52:08 > 0:52:12CATCALLING
0:52:13 > 0:52:14Poor Arthur.
0:52:17 > 0:52:19He must have tripped over Des O'Connor.
0:52:39 > 0:52:41MUSIC: Woody Woodpecker theme
0:52:44 > 0:52:48# Ha-ha-ha-ha haa Ha-ha-ha-ha haa
0:52:48 > 0:52:51# It's the Woody Woodpecker Song
0:52:51 > 0:52:55# Ha-ha-ha-ha haa Ha-ha-ha-ha haa
0:52:55 > 0:52:57# He's pecking his... #
0:52:57 > 0:52:58Hold it, hold it, fellas.
0:52:58 > 0:53:02Hold it... What are you doing?
0:53:02 > 0:53:06The Woody Woodpecker Song. I'm going to be a star.
0:53:06 > 0:53:07You can't do it on your own.
0:53:07 > 0:53:10- Can't I?- No. You need backing.
0:53:15 > 0:53:16Are you ready?
0:53:20 > 0:53:23# Ha-ha-ha-ha haa Ha-ha-ha-ha haa
0:53:23 > 0:53:27# That's the Woody Woodpecker Song
0:53:27 > 0:53:30# Ha-ha-ha-ha haa Ha-ha-ha-ha haa
0:53:30 > 0:53:34# He's a-pecking it all day long
0:53:34 > 0:53:39# He pecks a few holes in a tree to see if a red... #
0:53:39 > 0:53:42Hold it, hold it, hold it a second. Stop waving that. Stop it, will you?
0:53:42 > 0:53:44- What now?- Listen.
0:53:44 > 0:53:47I'm just doing the "Ha-ha-ha-ha haa".
0:53:47 > 0:53:51Well, of course, that's the most important part, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen?
0:53:51 > 0:53:53Keep going, before they remember they hate us.
0:53:53 > 0:53:57In fact, it's so important, I'm going to ask the ladies and gentlemen to help you.
0:53:57 > 0:53:59A-one, two, three...
0:53:59 > 0:54:03# Ha-ha-ha-ha haa Ha-ha-ha-ha ha-Ow!
0:54:03 > 0:54:06# That's the Woody Woodpecker Song
0:54:06 > 0:54:10# Ha-ha-ha-ha ha-Ow! Ha-ha-ha-ha ha-Ow!
0:54:10 > 0:54:13# He's pecking it all day long... #
0:54:15 > 0:54:17ERNIE SIGHS
0:54:17 > 0:54:20You hear that? Silence.
0:54:20 > 0:54:22They're starting to like you.
0:54:27 > 0:54:30WOLF WHISTLING FROM AUDIENCE
0:54:49 > 0:54:51Hello, Eric. I wasn't expecting you, was I?
0:54:51 > 0:54:55Hiya, Mum. This is Joan, my fiancee.
0:54:56 > 0:54:57You'd better come in.
0:54:58 > 0:55:01I'm just going to get some cigarettes.
0:55:01 > 0:55:03- You don't smoke.- Yes, he does.
0:55:03 > 0:55:06There you are, that's two new things you've found out already.
0:55:42 > 0:55:45- How long have you been courting? - Six months.
0:55:45 > 0:55:47I was dancing up at Glasgow Empire.
0:55:50 > 0:55:55A dancer! Oh...
0:55:55 > 0:55:58So...
0:55:58 > 0:55:59I see.
0:56:02 > 0:56:06- So, are you in the family way?- No!
0:56:06 > 0:56:10- Not marrying him for his looks and he's hopeless with money. - I'm marrying him
0:56:10 > 0:56:14- because he's as daft as a brush. - Who's going to be in charge of the money?
0:56:14 > 0:56:18- Don't say him, because you'll be in the poorhouse in a month. - He wants me to handle the money.
0:56:18 > 0:56:22- Not that he'll ever make any. - Well, they've got the summer season.
0:56:22 > 0:56:24Summer season, where?
0:56:24 > 0:56:26Blackpool.
0:56:26 > 0:56:29- Didn't Eric mention it?- No.
0:56:29 > 0:56:31No, he didn't.
0:56:31 > 0:56:36And if Ernie's plans for television pay off, you never know.
0:56:36 > 0:56:39I might have to have two purses.
0:56:42 > 0:56:45Yes...you might.
0:56:48 > 0:56:52- Did she pass?- Never mind. How come I'm the last to know television's sniffing around?
0:57:05 > 0:57:07George, go and open the...
0:57:08 > 0:57:11Three steps up to the front door.
0:57:16 > 0:57:19- Oh, don't do yourself a mischief with the electrics. - I'll try not to.
0:57:21 > 0:57:23It's a right size, isn't it?
0:57:23 > 0:57:26Perhaps we need a bigger set, with them being a double act.
0:57:26 > 0:57:29Very funny. They'll be giving you your own series next.
0:57:29 > 0:57:30Yeah.
0:57:31 > 0:57:34What are you doing? Nobody's died.
0:57:34 > 0:57:41- You don't get the benefit unless the lights are down. It's been given out, it's bad for your eyes.- Oh.
0:57:42 > 0:57:45- Right.- Right.
0:57:56 > 0:57:59Do you think this is it?
0:57:59 > 0:58:00Look at us, eh?
0:58:00 > 0:58:02Look at us, at BBC Television.
0:58:02 > 0:58:04We've come a long way.
0:58:04 > 0:58:07You've come a lot further, with only having little legs.
0:58:08 > 0:58:12- Ernie.- Eric.- Eric and Ernie. - Pleased to meet you again.
0:58:12 > 0:58:14- Mr Waldman.- Call me Ronnie.
0:58:14 > 0:58:16If you like.
0:58:16 > 0:58:21We've had Tom Vesty writing for you. He writes for Monkhouse and done a bit for Jewel and Warris.
0:58:21 > 0:58:25We don't need writers, we have our own material - right here.
0:58:27 > 0:58:31I love your live act, but what you need to know is the BBC is funded by the public,
0:58:31 > 0:58:36so there are one or two guidelines on what is and isn't acceptable.
0:58:36 > 0:58:38No jokes about effeminacy.
0:58:41 > 0:58:45No references to honeymoon couples and ladies' underwear.
0:58:45 > 0:58:47- No innuendo...- Let's have a look.
0:58:47 > 0:58:52- ..or allusions to animal habits and marital infidelity.- Ah.
0:58:52 > 0:58:53What writers have you got?
0:58:56 > 0:58:59- This is Nigel, meet Eric.- Ernie.
0:58:59 > 0:59:03- And Eric.- When I'm not Ernie.
0:59:03 > 0:59:06Nigel's a rising star here at the BBC.
0:59:06 > 0:59:09Problem number one, you're Northern.
0:59:09 > 0:59:11Northern comedy just doesn't play on television.
0:59:12 > 0:59:17What if we stood on the south side of the stage, do you think that might help?
0:59:17 > 0:59:20I'll leave you chaps to it. Call me if you need anything.
0:59:21 > 0:59:26- Right, shall we have a read? - Well, we can, but shouldn't we be getting on with the rehearsal?
0:59:28 > 0:59:31- OK, I'll be Gloria. - They can't touch you for it.
0:59:33 > 0:59:34No?
0:59:37 > 0:59:39Let's crack on, shall we?
0:59:39 > 0:59:43The scene is Transylvania. A small bar, with barmaid.
0:59:43 > 0:59:45Are you doing it now? Is that you doing it?
0:59:48 > 0:59:50Small bar with a barmaid.
0:59:54 > 0:59:56What do you think of Nigel?
0:59:56 > 1:00:00Well, let's just say it's a good job he's not paid to be funny.
1:00:00 > 1:00:04Well, he must know his stuff, otherwise he wouldn't be working at the BBC, would he?
1:00:04 > 1:00:06Yeah, he's confident enough.
1:00:07 > 1:00:09The material, what do you think?
1:00:09 > 1:00:13Well, it's all right, but not really us, though, is it?
1:00:13 > 1:00:16You've hit the nail right on the head there.
1:00:16 > 1:00:20- Do you think we should say something? - Can't do any harm, can it?
1:00:25 > 1:00:27Right, let's have a look at this.
1:00:33 > 1:00:34Nigel...
1:00:36 > 1:00:40..Eric and I were talking over lunch and we feel we've moved away from
1:00:40 > 1:00:42material like this. We talk to each other on stage more.
1:00:42 > 1:00:46- Not just gags and wordplay.- That's another concern, actually, Ernie -
1:00:46 > 1:00:50- you talking to the audience about Eric.- Well, that's our act, that's how it works.
1:00:50 > 1:00:55On television, it will come across as...well, smug. Not what we want at all.
1:00:55 > 1:00:58- But that's what get the laughs, isn't it, Eric?- On stage, yes.
1:00:58 > 1:00:59I'm telling you now,
1:00:59 > 1:01:03it won't work on television.
1:01:03 > 1:01:06Well, it worked pretty well on the radio, didn't it, Eric?
1:01:06 > 1:01:08Let's see how it goes this afternoon, shall we?
1:01:21 > 1:01:25Ta. So, big night for you tonight, Mrs Bartholomew?
1:01:25 > 1:01:28Well, they've done very well, yes.
1:01:30 > 1:01:34I've a lovely piece of finny haddock put aside, if you're interested?
1:01:34 > 1:01:35Just the shrimps, thank you.
1:01:35 > 1:01:38We're not letting it go to our heads.
1:01:47 > 1:01:49Am I doing under the chairs?
1:01:49 > 1:01:54- And under the rug.- They're not going to be looking under the rug, are they?
1:01:54 > 1:01:59George, your son is going to be on the television. Try and rise to the occasion.
1:02:04 > 1:02:06So you'll make your entrances here.
1:02:06 > 1:02:09For the Transylvania sketch, the bar will be stage right.
1:02:09 > 1:02:13Where will the cameras be, like, tonight?
1:02:13 > 1:02:16- The cameras will be where they are now. - Between us and the audience?
1:02:16 > 1:02:18Can we get a milk crate for Ernie?
1:02:18 > 1:02:21They see you on the monitors, in front of the stage.
1:02:21 > 1:02:24Gentlemen, gentlemen. Trust me.
1:02:24 > 1:02:26It works.
1:02:26 > 1:02:29Now, come on. Let's crack on. Lots of work to do.
1:02:29 > 1:02:31All right, bring that in.
1:02:37 > 1:02:39What about that, is that all right?
1:02:39 > 1:02:42Hello. We're not too late, are we?
1:02:42 > 1:02:43No, Edna. There's an hour yet.
1:02:43 > 1:02:46Oh, good. Come on, Vernon.
1:02:47 > 1:02:49At least we'll get a good seat, eh?
1:02:49 > 1:02:51Here we are.
1:02:51 > 1:02:54Oh...we're not the first, then?
1:02:54 > 1:02:58Shift yourself, George, get it switched on. Let the valves warm up.
1:02:58 > 1:03:01- Looking forward to this. - Look at the size of that.
1:03:01 > 1:03:04- And what a lovely spread. - Woman's Realm.
1:03:04 > 1:03:07"Home entertaining, without the strain."
1:03:12 > 1:03:16Here at the Shepherd's Bush Empire, we have three cameras for transmission.
1:03:20 > 1:03:22Up, that's it, up, up, up.
1:03:36 > 1:03:38Come on, up you go.
1:03:43 > 1:03:45That's it. Yeah... Oh, go on.
1:03:45 > 1:03:47Yeah, up. Try up. Up, yeah.
1:03:47 > 1:03:49Edna, gherkin?
1:03:49 > 1:03:51Yeah.
1:03:51 > 1:03:53Yeah. Try higher, higher. Yeah.
1:03:53 > 1:03:56- Ready?- Get on with it, George.
1:03:56 > 1:03:59Bang on, that, George. Any clearer, we'd be there.
1:03:59 > 1:04:02TV dinner, they call this in America.
1:04:03 > 1:04:05Well, dinner, at any rate.
1:04:05 > 1:04:07Who moved? Somebody moved.
1:04:07 > 1:04:10LAUGHTER
1:04:16 > 1:04:20True story, that. You can ask any of them, yeah, they're all brothers.
1:04:20 > 1:04:22I can hear laughter, that's a good sign.
1:04:22 > 1:04:26Billy Crackers, best warm-up man in the business.
1:04:26 > 1:04:30Now, you madam, on the fourth row, this camera here is going to be
1:04:30 > 1:04:34close up on you as the titles roll, so try and look excited.
1:04:34 > 1:04:39Oh, I bet you wish you'd put your teeth in now, don't you, missus?
1:04:39 > 1:04:42Oh, no, keep your mouth shut!
1:04:44 > 1:04:47'For the forecast, then, to the North it's going to
1:04:47 > 1:04:51'be rather longer before any really good weather'
1:04:51 > 1:04:56begins to come through. The depression centre moving across there will spread
1:04:56 > 1:04:59an almost completely cloudy belt right across the country.
1:04:59 > 1:05:02When I do this, I want you to laugh.
1:05:04 > 1:05:08And when I do this, I want you to really laugh. And when I do this,
1:05:08 > 1:05:12it means the onion in my cheese sandwich is repeating on me.
1:05:12 > 1:05:13LAUGHTER
1:05:13 > 1:05:16- His material's better than ours. - That's what I've been trying to tell you.
1:05:18 > 1:05:19He's good, isn't he?
1:05:26 > 1:05:27All right, Lillywhite?
1:05:27 > 1:05:29All right, Jifflearse?
1:05:33 > 1:05:35Now then, ladies and gentlemen.
1:05:35 > 1:05:38Morecambe and Wise are Running Wild.
1:05:38 > 1:05:41INTRODUCTORY PROGRAMME MUSIC
1:05:57 > 1:06:00APPLAUSE
1:06:04 > 1:06:07Hello, ladies and gentleman, good evening and welcome to the show,
1:06:07 > 1:06:11- live from the famous Shepherd's Bush Empire.- Ho, yes.
1:06:11 > 1:06:16And we hope you enjoy our special guests, Ray Buckingham and Miss Alma Cogan.
1:06:16 > 1:06:21But first, our first guests of the evening, Four In Accord.
1:06:23 > 1:06:25So far, so good, Sadie.
1:06:25 > 1:06:27They remembered their words.
1:06:29 > 1:06:30Mmm.
1:06:38 > 1:06:42Putting a couple of big chickens on now, I mean, sorry, cape ons.
1:06:46 > 1:06:47Ooh, you're on my wire.
1:07:01 > 1:07:04Vot brings you to our 'umble village of Vasaria?
1:07:04 > 1:07:07We're from BBC Television. Yes, Eurovision.
1:07:07 > 1:07:09- Eurovision? - You're a vision yourself.
1:07:14 > 1:07:18You did well locked up in that case for three hours, you can pat yourself on the back.
1:07:18 > 1:07:21I could kiss myself on the back. Next time, you travel in it.
1:07:21 > 1:07:25I would, but I've got this fear of being locked up. the doctor calls it a complex.
1:07:25 > 1:07:27The magistrate calls it six months.
1:07:27 > 1:07:29Well, where do we go from here?
1:07:29 > 1:07:32We've got to get some money. We haven't even got our bus fare.
1:07:32 > 1:07:33Let's get a taxi.
1:07:33 > 1:07:36POLITE APPLAUSE
1:07:47 > 1:07:51- That Alma Cogan can hold a tune, can't she?- Oh, yes.
1:07:51 > 1:07:55Still...lovely set, though, isn't it?
1:07:55 > 1:07:57Nice, clear picture.
1:07:57 > 1:08:01'It will be followed by the latest film of events and happenings at home and abroad.'
1:08:08 > 1:08:10- Well, that's the first one under our belts.- Mmm.
1:08:20 > 1:08:23You've got to feel sorry for the lads.
1:08:23 > 1:08:25Perhaps nerves got the better of them.
1:08:25 > 1:08:28They were nervous before the stage - never came out with that rubbish.
1:08:28 > 1:08:32- Look, Sadie, I know you're upset. - Upset? I'm bloody furious.
1:08:32 > 1:08:36They should be ashamed of themselves. Timing, out. Crosstalk, out.
1:08:36 > 1:08:40Material - they know bad material when they see it. They've done enough over the years.
1:08:40 > 1:08:42And they looked like two frightened...
1:08:42 > 1:08:44camels.
1:08:45 > 1:08:47- Camels?- You know what I mean.
1:09:40 > 1:09:43Not really my cup of tea, I must admit.
1:09:43 > 1:09:47Give them a chance to warm up. There's five more shows to go yet.
1:10:24 > 1:10:26You ARE sure about this?
1:10:26 > 1:10:30We're dying on national television every week. We don't have any choice.
1:10:33 > 1:10:36- What's this?- It's a cheque, we thought it was fair.
1:10:36 > 1:10:40We're not doing the rest of the series. We're giving you your money back.
1:10:40 > 1:10:42- Well, this is a first. - It is, indeed.
1:10:42 > 1:10:45I've never seen the inside of Ernie's wallet, either!
1:10:47 > 1:10:50Now, bugger off and go and work on the rest of your series.
1:10:50 > 1:10:53I've got Dickie Henderson waiting for me.
1:10:53 > 1:10:56You're both first-rate TV material.
1:10:57 > 1:10:59Now, go and prove it!
1:11:14 > 1:11:18- How do you feel? - Like an oyster at low tide.
1:11:18 > 1:11:20Well, at least this is the last one, eh?
1:11:21 > 1:11:26We should have said to Nigel we can't tell the difference between Southern humour and not funny.
1:11:26 > 1:11:30- "Should have said." But you didn't, did you, not at the time?- What?
1:11:30 > 1:11:34Did you back me up when I was trying to get the scripts changed? No.
1:11:34 > 1:11:36Did you come up with any ideas? No.
1:11:36 > 1:11:39You just sat at home, waiting for me to sort it out.
1:11:39 > 1:11:42Eh, come on, come on, we don't want to be falling out.
1:11:42 > 1:11:46- When this is done, we'll go straight into panto and forget all about it. - There is no panto.
1:11:46 > 1:11:53- Sheffield Hippodrome, with Ugo Garrido.- They've pulled the booking! They've gone with Mike and Bernie.
1:11:53 > 1:11:55What, since when? Nobody told me.
1:11:55 > 1:11:59Nobody told you, because you can never be bothered to phone our agent!
1:11:59 > 1:12:03It's always down to me, like everything else.
1:12:04 > 1:12:08Ern... Ernie.
1:12:08 > 1:12:12TRADITIONAL SING-A-LONG GERMAN FOLK SONG PLAYS ON STAGE
1:12:50 > 1:12:52What are you thinking?
1:12:52 > 1:12:55- How do you know I'm thinking anything?- Your lips were moving.
1:12:59 > 1:13:01I'm just thinking...
1:13:01 > 1:13:04go easy on the lad, all right?
1:13:04 > 1:13:06- George?- Mmm.
1:13:06 > 1:13:10When all's said and done, I am his mother.
1:13:11 > 1:13:12Mmm.
1:13:25 > 1:13:27Hello. Hello.
1:13:34 > 1:13:39What are you playing at? I can't show my face outside the house,
1:13:39 > 1:13:41I think we'll have to move! Come through, Joan.
1:13:46 > 1:13:50I told you time and time again to trust your own material.
1:13:50 > 1:13:53And what do you do the moment my back's turned?
1:13:53 > 1:13:55- You forget everything!- Hiya, Mum(!)
1:14:09 > 1:14:12- Do you mind? This is my hiding place.- Can I borrow your bike?
1:14:12 > 1:14:14Where are you planning on going?
1:14:14 > 1:14:18- Anywhere they don't have televisions. - You could try Barrow-in-Furness.
1:14:20 > 1:14:24You'll soon be back, people will forget.
1:14:24 > 1:14:26They won't forget this.
1:14:26 > 1:14:29Here...read that.
1:14:30 > 1:14:34"Definition of a TV - the box they buried Morecambe and Wise in last night."
1:14:36 > 1:14:39- You read it?- I did. And do you know what I think?
1:14:40 > 1:14:43There's nothing harder to find than yesterday's paper.
1:14:44 > 1:14:48- The daft thing is, I didn't even want to be a performer in the first place. - Don't come that one.
1:14:48 > 1:14:50I should have stayed here.
1:14:50 > 1:14:55- I should have worked for the gas board, like you, I'd have been just as happy.- No, you wouldn't.
1:14:55 > 1:14:56It's a dead-end job.
1:14:56 > 1:14:58You're not cut out for a dead-end job.
1:14:59 > 1:15:02Nobody is, not really.
1:15:02 > 1:15:03You are.
1:15:03 > 1:15:05Mr Happy-Go-Lucky. Everyone says so.
1:15:05 > 1:15:09Oh, "everyone says so"? Well...
1:15:11 > 1:15:13..it must be true, then.
1:16:06 > 1:16:08Shouldn't you at least call him?
1:16:10 > 1:16:12Let him call me.
1:16:12 > 1:16:14That isn't going to happen, is it?
1:16:14 > 1:16:17Eric never calls you.
1:16:17 > 1:16:18Exactly.
1:17:00 > 1:17:03- How long are you going to keep this up, then?- What?
1:17:03 > 1:17:06This sulking malarkey.
1:17:06 > 1:17:09You used to sulk when I made you wear that schoolboy outfit.
1:17:09 > 1:17:11Up until it got you a big laugh.
1:17:11 > 1:17:15Television isn't about dressing up as a schoolboy and singing, you know.
1:17:15 > 1:17:18It isn't about being funny, if what you two do is anything to go by.
1:17:18 > 1:17:21Don't go easy on me just because we're related, will you(?)
1:17:21 > 1:17:25- I don't know how to soft-pedal - not in my nature. - You don't have to tell me!
1:17:25 > 1:17:28I'm hard on you because you and Ernie are better than that.
1:17:28 > 1:17:32When I saw you on that television show, doing that tripe.
1:17:32 > 1:17:37Biggest break, your chance, you forgot everything.
1:17:37 > 1:17:40You and Ernie know what's funny.
1:17:40 > 1:17:44You know what plays funny, you know what tells funny.
1:17:44 > 1:17:50- You must have known deep down the material was not funny. - What d'you want me to say?
1:17:50 > 1:17:52You could start by telling me I'm right.
1:18:01 > 1:18:03I'm sorry, if you feel we've let you down.
1:18:05 > 1:18:07I'll get over it.
1:18:08 > 1:18:09Will you?
1:18:11 > 1:18:14I don't have much choice, do I?
1:18:14 > 1:18:16Like you always said, it's what I'm best at.
1:18:19 > 1:18:20You know what you need, don't you?
1:18:37 > 1:18:40What the bloody hell are you doing?!
1:18:40 > 1:18:42Finding them new material.
1:18:42 > 1:18:47- I'll get Eric to drive me down to Ernie's tomorrow, bash their heads together.- No, Sadie!
1:18:47 > 1:18:53What do you mean, no? Push, push, push. It's what I do, that's what our Eric needs.
1:18:53 > 1:18:55Maybe it's time you stopped pushing.
1:18:57 > 1:19:01- Are you saying I pushed him into it? - Nobody's saying that, Sadie.
1:19:01 > 1:19:04You were right to push him, and I'm glad you did,
1:19:04 > 1:19:08but what I'm saying is...
1:19:10 > 1:19:12..he's got to do the pushing now.
1:19:12 > 1:19:15He's got to go down to Ernie.
1:19:15 > 1:19:19He's got to do it for himself. He's got to want to do it himself.
1:19:23 > 1:19:25Well, beggar me.
1:19:25 > 1:19:31- You don't put your foot down for 25 years of married life and when you finally do, you're wrong.- Oh...
1:20:32 > 1:20:35BIG BAND DANCE NUMBER PLAYS
1:20:43 > 1:20:46ECHOING: Ernie?
1:20:46 > 1:20:47Ernie.
1:20:47 > 1:20:49Are you nervous, lad?
1:20:49 > 1:20:51No.
1:21:23 > 1:21:25KNOCKING
1:21:25 > 1:21:26Hey-hey!
1:21:26 > 1:21:29When do the rest of the Beverley Sisters arrive?
1:21:29 > 1:21:33- Just keeping my eye in.- Well, you'll need it, we've got a booking.
1:21:33 > 1:21:35I rang our agent.
1:21:35 > 1:21:37Well, wonders will never cease.
1:21:37 > 1:21:39Where did you get it? Directory enquiries(?)
1:21:39 > 1:21:42ERIC CHUCKLES
1:21:50 > 1:21:51Is he in?
1:21:51 > 1:21:53You know he is.
1:21:55 > 1:21:57Is it cold in here?
1:21:57 > 1:21:59No, just me?
1:22:03 > 1:22:05"Directory enquiries." Very good, that!
1:22:05 > 1:22:08I should write that down, use that for your solo slot.
1:22:08 > 1:22:10What makes you think I'm going solo?
1:22:10 > 1:22:12You were practising a solo dance routine.
1:22:12 > 1:22:14It was like Jiminy Cricket on a hotplate.
1:22:14 > 1:22:16I've had interest.
1:22:16 > 1:22:19I'm not surprised, in those trousers.
1:22:19 > 1:22:22So who are you playing, then? Grumpy or Sneezy?
1:22:25 > 1:22:29- Come on, it's Ardwick Hippodrome. Not to be sniffed at. - It's fourth on the bill.
1:22:29 > 1:22:34We've not been fourth on the bill for ten years. I'm not doing it.
1:22:34 > 1:22:36- Well, I can't do it on my own. - Why not?
1:22:36 > 1:22:38I haven't got my lollipop, for a start.
1:22:43 > 1:22:45Oh, that's where it went.
1:22:48 > 1:22:51# I'm not all there There's something missing... #
1:22:51 > 1:22:55- Shall I tell you what really bothers me?- Apart from your small change?
1:22:55 > 1:23:00All double acts start out as mates, then they stop being mates, but carry on being a double act.
1:23:00 > 1:23:03Well, I'm not having that.
1:23:03 > 1:23:05I'd rather lose the act than my best mate.
1:23:08 > 1:23:10- Do you mean my mum?- Oh, very funny(!)
1:23:12 > 1:23:14What if we make the act fun again?
1:23:14 > 1:23:18What if we change the act? What if we put more of ourselves out there?
1:23:18 > 1:23:23- What have we been doing for the past 13 years?!- We've been a double act, but we've never been us.
1:23:23 > 1:23:25That's what we should do. Nobody's got what we've got.
1:23:25 > 1:23:29And I tell you what, if it doesn't work out, we call it a day and no hard feelings.
1:23:38 > 1:23:39So, this new act...
1:23:40 > 1:23:43..what would it be, how would it start?
1:23:43 > 1:23:48- You'll be short and bad-tempered... - Mmm.- ..and I'll be tall and lazy.
1:23:48 > 1:23:50But we'll BOTH be idiots.
1:23:59 > 1:24:01Fourth on the bill, eh?
1:24:01 > 1:24:03That's the magic of television.
1:24:09 > 1:24:12What went wrong with telly show, then, lads?
1:24:12 > 1:24:16Scripts, cast, music, director, lighting.
1:24:16 > 1:24:18Apart from that, it were great, eh?
1:24:21 > 1:24:22Good luck, boys.
1:24:22 > 1:24:26HARMONICA PLAYS
1:24:26 > 1:24:28IN UNISON: Not now, Arthur.
1:24:28 > 1:24:31HARMONICA TAILS OFF
1:24:32 > 1:24:34- All right.- All right.
1:24:40 > 1:24:41Thank you, thank you!
1:24:41 > 1:24:44You really are too kind.
1:24:44 > 1:24:47What a great honour it must be for you to be here tonight.
1:24:49 > 1:24:52Ladies and gentlemen, hello, good evening and welcome to the show.
1:24:54 > 1:24:55- Excuse me.- What?!
1:24:55 > 1:25:00- I'm Eric Morecambe's mother! - I'm afraid I can't let you in without a ticket.
1:25:00 > 1:25:05- I don't need a ticket, I'm his mother.- How do I know that? - Did you see their television show?
1:25:05 > 1:25:08Do you think I'd own up to that if it wasn't true?
1:25:08 > 1:25:12- Have we got a show for you tonight! - Have we got a show for them?
1:25:12 > 1:25:17- I'm going to give them my all! - Do you think they'll notice?
1:25:17 > 1:25:18I've had a tiny inkling lately.
1:25:18 > 1:25:20So I've heard.
1:25:21 > 1:25:24Ever since you were engaged to that contortionist.
1:25:24 > 1:25:28- Well, she broke it off. - I'm not surprised.
1:25:28 > 1:25:34- What went wrong?- She didn't take to my little foibles.- Well, they take some getting used to.
1:25:34 > 1:25:36I got married, you know.
1:25:36 > 1:25:39- I didn't know you were married. - Oh, it was a quiet wedding.
1:25:39 > 1:25:41- Quiet wedding?- I didn't go.
1:25:41 > 1:25:43Well, where did you meet her?
1:25:43 > 1:25:45- Who?- Your wife!
1:25:45 > 1:25:47Oh, the wife. I thought you meant her.
1:25:47 > 1:25:49- Not her.- I've never met her.
1:25:49 > 1:25:53I've met her now. Hello, Mum, are you all right? Er...
1:25:53 > 1:25:55- Oh, the wife.- Yes!
1:25:55 > 1:25:58I met her at a dance - prettiest thing on the ballroom floor.
1:25:58 > 1:25:59I can see her now...lying there.
1:25:59 > 1:26:01ENTHUSIASTIC LAUGHTER
1:26:01 > 1:26:05- Tell me about the day you got engaged.- Ah, I bought her an engagement ring.
1:26:05 > 1:26:07It had five stones.
1:26:07 > 1:26:11Not diamonds, just stones - five big bricks. She walked about, all on one side.
1:26:11 > 1:26:14- Forgotten what she looked like. Ooh hoo hoo!- What's the matter?
1:26:14 > 1:26:16Oh, I just remembered!
1:26:16 > 1:26:19My goodness, sir,
1:26:19 > 1:26:20you don't look well.
1:26:21 > 1:26:25- He's emaciated.- Has he? Very bad for your eyesight, is that.
1:26:27 > 1:26:31I tell you, there'll be trouble when they open the coffin and find him gone.
1:26:31 > 1:26:34Let's just get on with it, shall we?
1:26:34 > 1:26:36They don't want to hear this rubbish.
1:26:36 > 1:26:37Didn't they read the poster before they bought tickets?
1:26:37 > 1:26:41- They're here for high-class entertainment. - All right, we'd better go.
1:26:41 > 1:26:43Er, let's...just get on with it.
1:26:43 > 1:26:45- Can I do the song first, though?- Yes.
1:26:45 > 1:26:47Strike it up, fellas.
1:26:50 > 1:26:53Hold it! Hoooooold it!
1:26:53 > 1:26:54LAUGHTER
1:26:54 > 1:26:56When did you learn how to play?
1:26:56 > 1:26:59I know it was today, but what time today?
1:27:00 > 1:27:03Well, why don't you try rehearsing it on your own?
1:27:03 > 1:27:06- Ern, that's a very good idea... - I've seen enough.
1:27:08 > 1:27:12- # You see a pair of loving eyes # - Now start wiggling.
1:27:14 > 1:27:17I've never...wiggled in front of anybody in my life.
1:27:17 > 1:27:20- Well, it's time you made a start. Get a hold of yourself.- I...
1:27:20 > 1:27:23I'll smash your face in!
1:27:23 > 1:27:26- I used to be a boxer.- Were you any good?- Well, put it this way,
1:27:26 > 1:27:30I spent so much time on the canvas, they put handles on my trunks.
1:27:30 > 1:27:34They used to sell advertising space on the soles of my feet.
1:27:40 > 1:27:44- What do you think of it so far? - Rubbish!- Oh!- Shall we go?
1:27:44 > 1:27:45THEY LAUGH
1:27:45 > 1:27:47APPLAUSE
1:27:47 > 1:27:49# When you feel down
1:27:49 > 1:27:54# Try positive thinking That's what I told them and said
1:27:54 > 1:27:58# Don't wear a frown Try positive thinking
1:27:58 > 1:28:00# Laugh at your troubles instead
1:28:00 > 1:28:05# You've got to look on the bright side
1:28:05 > 1:28:08# On hope, so much depends
1:28:08 > 1:28:12# With your confidence sinking Positive thinking
1:28:12 > 1:28:14# Helps you on the way, my friend... #
1:28:14 > 1:28:15Thanks for waiting.
1:28:15 > 1:28:20# When things look black Try positive thinking
1:28:20 > 1:28:24# Treat every season as spring No glancing back
1:28:24 > 1:28:27# Try positive thinking
1:28:27 > 1:28:33# Trust what tomorrow may bring This crazy world that we live in
1:28:33 > 1:28:36# Will keep on spinning round
1:28:36 > 1:28:40# But with good, strong positive thinking
1:28:40 > 1:28:45# We'll get together and life won't let us
1:28:45 > 1:28:52Dow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w
1:28:52 > 1:28:56# Dow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-n #
1:28:58 > 1:29:00- I wish I could sing like that, don't you?- Yeah, I do.