Holy Flying Circus

0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains very strong language.

0:00:22 > 0:00:24Shalam.

0:00:39 > 0:00:41That's a bit controversial, isn't it?

0:00:43 > 0:00:45HE FARTS LOUDLY

0:00:47 > 0:00:50Holy (BLEEP) Circus.

0:00:53 > 0:00:57MUSIC: Theme from Monty Python's Flying Circus: "The Liberty Bell" by JP Sousa

0:01:42 > 0:01:47HEAVENLY CHOIR: # Amen. #

0:02:46 > 0:02:49I'll sit over here.

0:02:49 > 0:02:52- Hello, Graham.- Johnny.

0:02:52 > 0:02:54Barry.

0:02:56 > 0:03:00- So what did you think? - Of the rough cut?

0:03:00 > 0:03:03Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

0:03:03 > 0:03:06- Loved it.- I think it might be the best thing we've done.- Oh, easily.

0:03:06 > 0:03:09By miles. Now I've spoken to Chris who's head of North America

0:03:09 > 0:03:13and we'd like to open it first in the States.

0:03:13 > 0:03:18- Aw Terrific. Really terrific. - So what's the thinking?

0:03:18 > 0:03:22The First Amendment guarantees the right to freedom of speech.

0:03:22 > 0:03:27Plus it's a melting pot, there's all kinds of different religions out there. And it's Hollywood.

0:03:27 > 0:03:30And Chris reckons you're ready to play with the big boys now.

0:03:30 > 0:03:31Jolly good.

0:03:31 > 0:03:33I love Americans.

0:03:33 > 0:03:38Here in New York City Monty Python's Life of Brian had its world premiere

0:03:38 > 0:03:40and Americans have come from far and wide to see it.

0:03:40 > 0:03:43Not to watch the film, but to protest against it.

0:03:43 > 0:03:45I'm going to ask them why.

0:03:45 > 0:03:47This film is disgusting. Enough with the stereotypes.

0:03:47 > 0:03:49It's not funny. How is this funny?

0:03:49 > 0:03:51Life Of Brian is an evil film.

0:03:51 > 0:03:54And Monty Python is an evil man.

0:03:54 > 0:03:56I would like to say it's morally repugnant.

0:03:56 > 0:03:58And also, kill the blacks.

0:03:58 > 0:04:00I agree with him.

0:04:00 > 0:04:03Except the bit about killing black people. Obviously, that's not cool.

0:04:06 > 0:04:08That went well.

0:04:08 > 0:04:12I knew it. Americans. Total idiots.

0:04:12 > 0:04:14- Waste of space.- Wasn't all bad.

0:04:14 > 0:04:16I got this lovely jacket.

0:04:16 > 0:04:20- Yes. Very nice.- We won't have the same problems here though, right?

0:04:20 > 0:04:23Protests? Here? Oh, no, I wouldn't think so no.

0:04:23 > 0:04:28Because the Great British Public, they aren't quick to judge or completely close-minded?

0:04:28 > 0:04:30Oh, no, sorry. They ARE quick to judge

0:04:30 > 0:04:34- and massively closed-minded.- Not the queers.- Apart from the queers.

0:04:34 > 0:04:40Right, here are the press cuttings and early box office breakdowns.

0:04:40 > 0:04:42Listen to this. This is from Variety.

0:04:42 > 0:04:47- Rabbi Hecht says the film, quote, 'could result in violence'.- Oh, yes.

0:04:47 > 0:04:50Copycat crucifixions. I hadn't thought of that.

0:04:50 > 0:04:52That is a worry, isn't it? Cretin.

0:04:52 > 0:04:57I mean, they've been out of favour for two thousand years but suddenly all the kids will be doing it.

0:04:57 > 0:05:00"Hey, Johnny, want to come out for a kick-about?"

0:05:00 > 0:05:03"No, no, no. Me and Gary thought we'd nail his brother to a tree."

0:05:03 > 0:05:08I think the Rabbi meant violent protest. As in violence against us.

0:05:08 > 0:05:10Right. Well, that wasn't clear.

0:05:10 > 0:05:11- It sort of was.- Wasn't.

0:05:11 > 0:05:14- Was.- Wasn't. - Really was.- Really wasn't.

0:05:14 > 0:05:18He goes on to say the movie was produced in Hell.

0:05:18 > 0:05:20Oh, I love that.

0:05:24 > 0:05:29Could we have a scene where we show some Christians killing some babies?

0:05:29 > 0:05:32Oh, yeah, funny. That is funny. I like that.

0:05:32 > 0:05:36- Jesus having sex with Judas? - Good. Offensive. Put that in.

0:05:36 > 0:05:38Maybe a scene where Jesus is on the cross and gets quite turned on

0:05:38 > 0:05:41and ejaculates over everyone?

0:05:41 > 0:05:45Oh, that is sick. That's... you've gone way too far.

0:05:45 > 0:05:47That crosses a fucking line.

0:05:51 > 0:05:53Oh, crap!

0:05:55 > 0:05:58So, while you're all in the same room, gents,

0:05:58 > 0:06:04I just need you to sign these release forms for distribution in France.

0:06:04 > 0:06:06- Oh, so we're getting released in France?- Yeah.

0:06:06 > 0:06:09Have you seen French films? It's all picnics and incest.

0:06:09 > 0:06:11You can't shock that lot.

0:06:11 > 0:06:13And what about here?

0:06:13 > 0:06:15There's no need to worry.

0:06:15 > 0:06:17Well, I wasn't going to worry

0:06:17 > 0:06:21but now you've said there's no need to worry I'm thinking I might worry.

0:06:21 > 0:06:23You're not getting cold feet, are you, Barry?

0:06:23 > 0:06:25No, course not.

0:06:25 > 0:06:31All I'm saying is, you know, let's not project it on to the side of Westminster Abbey

0:06:31 > 0:06:33or start selling Life of Brian Christmas crackers.

0:06:35 > 0:06:39Have you seen Monty Python's Life of Brian Christmas crackers?

0:06:41 > 0:06:43- Knock knock.- Who's there?- No-one.

0:06:43 > 0:06:46We're all alone in a godless universe.

0:06:46 > 0:06:50ALL LAUGH

0:06:51 > 0:06:54Monty Python's Life of Brian Christmas crackers.

0:06:54 > 0:06:58Fun for all the family. As long as you're not Christian, easily offended or expecting good jokes.

0:06:58 > 0:06:59Hee-hee-hee-hee!

0:07:30 > 0:07:32So...

0:07:32 > 0:07:35it's all going OK here so far?

0:07:35 > 0:07:38Yes, there's been the odd article, nothing too bad.

0:07:38 > 0:07:39Mind you, we haven't opened yet.

0:07:42 > 0:07:44If it wasn't going well,

0:07:44 > 0:07:47if things got bad...

0:07:47 > 0:07:49would you be OK?

0:07:49 > 0:07:56- Even if all the religious leaders in the world denounce you, I'll be there for you.- Thank you.

0:07:56 > 0:08:02Until we die. When I'll go to heaven and you'll be in hell.

0:08:02 > 0:08:05- That's nice.- Oh, I'm joking!

0:08:05 > 0:08:08- It's a joke. - It's not a very funny joke.

0:08:08 > 0:08:10Terry would have found it funny.

0:08:12 > 0:08:14Terry's got a terrific sense of humour.

0:08:22 > 0:08:25- Can I have a cuddle? - Oh, of course you can.

0:08:29 > 0:08:31Oh, God, gently love!

0:08:31 > 0:08:34Sorry... (HIGH-PITCHED) Sorry!

0:08:38 > 0:08:41- I just came from Wildlife... - Shall we begin?

0:08:41 > 0:08:44Right! Listen up. I'm in charge.

0:08:46 > 0:08:48This is the office for Friday Night, Saturday Morning?

0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Yes.- Good. Well, listen up.

0:08:51 > 0:08:54I know you were all expecting to be working with Trevor

0:08:54 > 0:08:57and I'm sure you were terribly saddened by his sudden death

0:08:57 > 0:08:59but I'm in charge now and he's history. Moving on.

0:08:59 > 0:09:01Point two. That was point one.

0:09:01 > 0:09:04Point two. I don't care what you think you were doing before.

0:09:04 > 0:09:07You're not doing that now. You, what did you think you were doing?

0:09:07 > 0:09:09- A chat show?- Wrong!

0:09:09 > 0:09:11Chat shows are bullshit.

0:09:11 > 0:09:13I don't want to make a chat show.

0:09:13 > 0:09:18People chatting? Uh-uh. Boring. People talking? Now you're talking.

0:09:18 > 0:09:22- I'm not sure I follow. - I want this show to be about where Britain's at today.

0:09:22 > 0:09:25The Sixties were all free love, anything goes.

0:09:25 > 0:09:29The Seventies were No Sex Please, We're British and everything's a downer.

0:09:29 > 0:09:31But we're about to head in to a new decade.

0:09:31 > 0:09:35What will the Britain of the future be like? Will it be prim?

0:09:35 > 0:09:38- Or full of quim?- Oh, dear God. - You, bring me a chair.

0:09:38 > 0:09:45- So, how are you going to do all that on what will essentially be something quite like a chat show?- OK.

0:09:45 > 0:09:47Random example.

0:09:48 > 0:09:51- We have a homeless guy.- What?

0:09:51 > 0:09:55Hear me out, big man. We have a homeless guy on the same show as the Queen.

0:09:55 > 0:10:01- Oh, right...Really? - No, it's just an example. I'm showing you what's possible.

0:10:01 > 0:10:04I'm reaching into your tiny mind and opening the doors of the TARDIS.

0:10:04 > 0:10:09It's a police box. Whoosh! No it's not, it's Narnia. You!

0:10:09 > 0:10:12I want you to build me a set that looks like I've dropped acid in Hawaii. Oh yeah.

0:10:12 > 0:10:16I'm out there. It'll be like when Dylan went electric.

0:10:16 > 0:10:19That's what's happening, so boo me, beardy, or get on board.

0:10:20 > 0:10:24- Sorry, who are you? - Well, I'm Alan Dick.

0:10:24 > 0:10:29- I'm the new BBC Head of Talk.- So... I'm confused. It's my first day.

0:10:29 > 0:10:34Do I answer to you, or do I work for the producer, Iain Johnstone?

0:10:34 > 0:10:39- You answer to me.- Oh. - Oh. Brilliant. Isn't it?

0:10:42 > 0:10:45All these 'orrible bags...I dunno.

0:10:57 > 0:10:59Oh!

0:10:59 > 0:11:01This is a bit of script from Life of Brian.

0:11:01 > 0:11:04This looks like it might be quite offensive.

0:11:04 > 0:11:09I should pass this on to someone who might find it even more offensive.

0:11:17 > 0:11:21- All right, Desmond. The usual, is it? - Yes, please, Keith.

0:11:21 > 0:11:23And a pint of mild, thanks.

0:11:23 > 0:11:26ARSE, BALLS, PRICK, SHIT!

0:11:26 > 0:11:28No problem.

0:11:35 > 0:11:40- There's your pint of lager. - Keep the change.- Cheers. Grand.

0:11:44 > 0:11:48Sam tells me you've got news on the Life of Brian.

0:11:48 > 0:11:50Prepare to be blown away...

0:11:50 > 0:11:53I'M NOT QUEER!

0:11:58 > 0:12:00Where did you get hold of this?

0:12:00 > 0:12:04- A man found out it out walking his dog. - You didn't steal it did you?

0:12:04 > 0:12:06No. A man really did find it while out walking his dog. WANKER!

0:12:06 > 0:12:09- Is it real?- I DID IT WITH STENCILS!

0:12:09 > 0:12:13- I didn't. - I've got a friend who is a comedy writer and a committed Christian.

0:12:13 > 0:12:18- Really?- It's odd, isn't it? Anyway I'll show him this and if he can verify it's 100% genuine

0:12:18 > 0:12:20- we can get the ball rolling.- BALLS!

0:12:22 > 0:12:23Sorry.

0:12:23 > 0:12:28Well, I suppose congratulations are in order. Well done, Desmond. Cheers.

0:12:28 > 0:12:30SCROTUMS! Cheers! BANJO FUCKER!

0:12:33 > 0:12:36The bad language. Is it, is it...are you...?

0:12:36 > 0:12:37The doctor suggested seeing a therapist.

0:12:37 > 0:12:39A bit American, isn't it?

0:12:39 > 0:12:43- YANK ME! It is a bit.- Of course, the irony is a few hundred years ago

0:12:43 > 0:12:49someone like me would probably have someone like you burnt at the stake for being possessed by demons.

0:12:49 > 0:12:52That's not very nice.

0:12:52 > 0:12:53BELL-END!

0:12:55 > 0:12:57What about this?

0:12:57 > 0:12:59We get Harold Wilson.

0:12:59 > 0:13:02Harold Wilson the former Prime Minister?

0:13:02 > 0:13:05- OK. I can work with that. - Yeah. Harold Wilson.

0:13:05 > 0:13:08And a bin man. Ask them the same question -

0:13:08 > 0:13:12- why is this country such a mess? - But the bin men are on strike?

0:13:12 > 0:13:14You're right.

0:13:14 > 0:13:18Shit idea. Fuck it, bin it... it's gone, it's history. Moving on.

0:13:18 > 0:13:20You! Any ideas? Too slow. Forget it.

0:13:20 > 0:13:23- Yes?- I didn't say anything.

0:13:26 > 0:13:29What about Life of Brian?

0:13:29 > 0:13:32- Did you see that news report about the US opening?- Ah, yes,

0:13:32 > 0:13:33now, good, because Iain suggested...

0:13:33 > 0:13:38OK, for the UK premiere we get the Pythons versus...

0:13:38 > 0:13:39the Pope.

0:13:39 > 0:13:41The Pope? The actual Pope?

0:13:41 > 0:13:44Try the Pope. Aim high. Start there and work your way down.

0:13:44 > 0:13:46How about bishops?

0:13:46 > 0:13:50Bishops. Fantastic. I love bishops.

0:13:50 > 0:13:52I can just imagine it.

0:13:52 > 0:13:57- What have the Christians ever given us?- Well...

0:13:57 > 0:14:00a moral code, charity, good works, inspiration, counter-veiling,

0:14:00 > 0:14:03an oppositional force against the evils of capitalism.

0:14:03 > 0:14:07Yeah, apart from that, what have the Christians ever given us?

0:14:07 > 0:14:09- Christian names?- Very useful.

0:14:09 > 0:14:11Yeah, obviously Christian names.

0:14:11 > 0:14:13Apart from that, what have the Christian ever given us?

0:14:15 > 0:14:18- Hot cross buns? - Yes, I can see it now.

0:14:18 > 0:14:20It'll be like one of their sketches. Hilarious.

0:14:20 > 0:14:23Do you want it to be funny? Or do you want it to be a proper debate?

0:14:23 > 0:14:28I want it to be a proper debate. That is also funny. And moving.

0:14:28 > 0:14:29And edgy.

0:14:29 > 0:14:31And I want it to win a BAFTA.

0:14:31 > 0:14:37- I see.- I'm serious. This could be the greatest TV show ever made. Who else have you got for that night?

0:14:37 > 0:14:40- Paul Jones and Norris McWhirter. - Maybe not.

0:14:41 > 0:14:45So who's heard about Sue Lawley?

0:14:47 > 0:14:52Now you've had a letter off the BBC asking if you want go on Friday Night, Saturday Morning

0:14:52 > 0:14:58- to do a debate on Brian with some religious types. - Is there any money in it?- No.- Oh.

0:14:58 > 0:15:01I don't want to do anything for the BBC any more.

0:15:01 > 0:15:06I got so bored and fed up on Flying Circus of them wanting us to rework our scripts.

0:15:06 > 0:15:09Telling us we could only have three shits or a bugger.

0:15:09 > 0:15:11Ridiculous rule.

0:15:11 > 0:15:13Who came up with that, anyway?

0:15:13 > 0:15:15That was the BBC's Head of Rude Words.

0:15:15 > 0:15:17Lovely chap.

0:15:17 > 0:15:19Used to get terribly embarrassed though.

0:15:19 > 0:15:24So, this is the list of words the sample group said they found the most offensive.

0:15:28 > 0:15:31Cunt.

0:15:31 > 0:15:32So sorry.

0:15:35 > 0:15:39- Motherfucker.- Is that two words?

0:15:39 > 0:15:41- I think it's just the one.- Right.

0:15:41 > 0:15:43Then comes 'fuck'.

0:15:43 > 0:15:45Good old fuck.

0:15:45 > 0:15:47Ahem. No? Sorry.

0:15:47 > 0:15:50Moving on. Cocksucker.

0:15:50 > 0:15:53Shit. We are now over the worst.

0:15:53 > 0:15:55Bastard.

0:15:55 > 0:15:57Tits.

0:15:57 > 0:16:01- Winky woo.- Maybe you could just give me the list?- Good idea.

0:16:01 > 0:16:04I could have done that in the first place. Saved this whole...

0:16:04 > 0:16:06scene.

0:16:08 > 0:16:12- So do we have a decision on the show? What do you think?- Fine by me. I'm happy to plug the film.

0:16:12 > 0:16:15No. Absolutely not. I forbid it.

0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Why?- Because.- Because what?

0:16:18 > 0:16:21- No.- Do you want to elaborate on that position?

0:16:21 > 0:16:25We don't need to explain ourselves. It's all in the film.

0:16:25 > 0:16:27I've got to tell them something, I know you've got to do

0:16:27 > 0:16:30your little vote thing so shall we just skip to that?

0:16:30 > 0:16:35All those in favour of boycotting say, "Fuck Auntie Beeb!". F...

0:16:38 > 0:16:40Right.

0:16:40 > 0:16:43- We're all on Mike's side, are we? - ALL: Yes.- Why?

0:16:43 > 0:16:46Because he is The Nicest Man In The World?

0:16:46 > 0:16:48- Pretty much.- Yup.

0:16:48 > 0:16:53- Do you want to change your mind, John?- No.- All right, so you're not unanimous, are you?

0:16:53 > 0:16:55No.

0:16:55 > 0:16:58And we have to be unanimous. Thus, I win.

0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Does that make you happy, love?- No.

0:17:02 > 0:17:05OK, I've had it verified.

0:17:05 > 0:17:10- It's as real as the Turin Shroud. - That is b-b-b-b...

0:17:10 > 0:17:14- BOLLOCKS!- Brilliant? Yes, I know!

0:17:14 > 0:17:18And if this is the route that Python are taking, then who knows

0:17:18 > 0:17:21- what else could be in the film? - TITS!

0:17:21 > 0:17:23Probably. Now. I've given it some thought.

0:17:23 > 0:17:27And what we don't want is to give them free publicity

0:17:27 > 0:17:31or turn them into martyrs. So I'm suggesting a back-door approach.

0:17:31 > 0:17:33- GAYLORD!- W-w-w-w-w...

0:17:33 > 0:17:38What's the plan? Well, we lobby the BBFC and urge them

0:17:38 > 0:17:40to think of the consequences of allowing the film to be shown.

0:17:40 > 0:17:44Oh, you know w-w-what else we could do?

0:17:44 > 0:17:48W-W-W-We could ask people to pray,

0:17:48 > 0:17:52You know, just let God sort it out.

0:17:52 > 0:17:54- Yes.- Could do.

0:17:54 > 0:17:57Let's not rely on that though.

0:17:57 > 0:18:02- OK, everyone. Let's get out there and spread the word.- MARMITE!

0:18:11 > 0:18:14They turn the crucifixion into a song-and-dance number.

0:18:14 > 0:18:17- They ridicule the Sermon on the Mount.- You see Jesus's willy.

0:18:17 > 0:18:20Apparently, if you watch the film backwards it implies

0:18:20 > 0:18:24Jesus made the healthy sick and went round blinding people.

0:18:24 > 0:18:27I heard they burn a puppy in the belly of a giant wicker kitten.

0:18:27 > 0:18:30- Why?- Exactly.

0:18:30 > 0:18:31That's fucked up.

0:18:47 > 0:18:51- But what if we have over-stepped the mark?- Hey, come on.

0:18:51 > 0:18:56We all knew Mary Whitehouse and the Festival of Light weren't going to like it. You worry too much.

0:18:56 > 0:18:58I can't help it. I do. Why is that?

0:18:58 > 0:19:01Why do you worry about what other people think? Gee, I don't know.

0:19:01 > 0:19:03Maybe it's because you're the Nicest Man in the World.

0:19:03 > 0:19:05That's ridiculous. Excuse me, miss.

0:19:05 > 0:19:08- You dropped this.- Thank you.

0:19:08 > 0:19:11John just likes saying that as a dig.

0:19:11 > 0:19:13- You see?- What? Morning, Bill.

0:19:13 > 0:19:16Get yourself some lunch.

0:19:16 > 0:19:19- You're constantly doing nice things. - I really don't think that's true.

0:19:19 > 0:19:21You're also self-deprecating about it.

0:19:21 > 0:19:23I'm no more self-deprecating than the next man.

0:19:23 > 0:19:26You're even self-deprecating about being self-deprecating.

0:19:26 > 0:19:27- Oh, great!- What?

0:19:27 > 0:19:30I've trodden in some dog poop.

0:19:30 > 0:19:35Oh, Terry, I'm sorry, that was probably my fault for distracting you. Have a tissue.

0:19:36 > 0:19:38- It hasn't even come out yet. - Sells papers.

0:19:38 > 0:19:41It's hardly fair reporting, is it?

0:19:41 > 0:19:44I'm not in the business of fair reporting, I'm in the business of selling papers.

0:19:44 > 0:19:47I notice you haven't made fun of the Muslims.

0:19:47 > 0:19:49- Why would we make fun of the Muslims?- Why not?

0:19:49 > 0:19:51Are you afraid of them?

0:19:51 > 0:19:55It's 1979. No-one in this country knows anything about Islam.

0:19:55 > 0:19:57- No-one's read the Koran. Have you read the Koran?- Yes.

0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Have you?- No.- No.

0:19:59 > 0:20:01And do you know why?

0:20:01 > 0:20:04- Doesn't sell papers. - Because this is a Christian country

0:20:04 > 0:20:07with a Christian heritage. And we are brought up within a Christian framework.

0:20:07 > 0:20:12OK. Imagine it's the future and there are two and a half million Muslims living in Britain.

0:20:12 > 0:20:14Would you make a film about them then?

0:20:14 > 0:20:17No! That would still only be four percent of the population.

0:20:17 > 0:20:22Assuming, of course, the population had risen to, let's say, 61½ million.

0:20:22 > 0:20:24And I would still doubt, given the general decline in standards

0:20:24 > 0:20:27of education that your average Briton would have read the Koran.

0:20:28 > 0:20:30- That's just a cop out.- No it isn't.

0:20:30 > 0:20:35Christianity stands as a metaphor for all organised religions and the abuse they're open to.

0:20:35 > 0:20:39You're just scared of reprisals.

0:20:39 > 0:20:42Scared of reprisals? Scared of...

0:20:51 > 0:20:55Hello. John Cleese here. Sorry to interrupt.

0:20:55 > 0:20:59Just wanted to point out that this a fictional representation of me

0:20:59 > 0:21:02based loosely on my Basil Fawlty persona.

0:21:03 > 0:21:05Oh, please, Mr Fawlty!

0:21:05 > 0:21:08You breaking my head!

0:21:08 > 0:21:11In real life, I'm a lovely man.

0:21:11 > 0:21:13Oh, a dolly, thank you, that is so nice.

0:21:13 > 0:21:17So there you have it. Just to reiterate, John Cleese...

0:21:17 > 0:21:20in real life, absolutely tremendous chap.

0:21:20 > 0:21:22Thanks for listening.

0:21:22 > 0:21:23KITTEN MEWS

0:21:25 > 0:21:28Yes, I'm very well. Hang on a moment, please.

0:21:30 > 0:21:32Miiiichaaaael!

0:21:35 > 0:21:37Miiiichaaaael! It's your mum for you.

0:21:42 > 0:21:43Hello, Mum!

0:21:43 > 0:21:45"Michael, have you seen the news?"

0:21:45 > 0:21:48- "About all these protests?"- Yes, Mum.- "I'm really worried, Michael.

0:21:48 > 0:21:52"I'm worried sick. I can't tell you how worried I am.

0:21:52 > 0:21:54"It's so worrying."

0:21:54 > 0:21:56- DOORBELL - "Oh, that's the door, I've got to go."

0:21:56 > 0:21:58HANGS UP Bye then, Mum.

0:22:21 > 0:22:25- I want the Pythons!- We've asked them already and they said no.

0:22:25 > 0:22:28Oh, all right, so what? We just give up?

0:22:28 > 0:22:31No. This is Friday Night, Saturday Morning.

0:22:31 > 0:22:35I'm not here to make bland TV, I want to make something memorable.

0:22:35 > 0:22:40I want people to come in to work the next day and talk about the show as they stand around the...

0:22:40 > 0:22:42water jug.

0:22:42 > 0:22:46I want a water jug moment. I'm creating water jug television.

0:22:46 > 0:22:51- What?- What if people don't have a water jug?- And the next day is a Saturday.

0:22:51 > 0:22:56- Most people don't work Saturdays. - Shut up! I want the Pythons,

0:22:56 > 0:22:59so get me the bloody Pythons.

0:22:59 > 0:23:00Barbara Dixon is available.

0:23:00 > 0:23:03The Two Ronnies don't need her this week.

0:23:03 > 0:23:05Good.

0:23:05 > 0:23:10Barbara Dixon is the closest thing this country has to a true star. And she's totty.

0:23:10 > 0:23:12Very classy totty.

0:23:15 > 0:23:19So Barry here has asked me to outline a defence if a religious group

0:23:19 > 0:23:23tries to get the film banned for being blasphemous.

0:23:23 > 0:23:26But before I do that... can I just say,

0:23:26 > 0:23:28Huge fan.

0:23:31 > 0:23:38Moving on, the basis of the case we would make in that eventuality is that

0:23:40 > 0:23:45Brian and Jesus are two different people

0:23:45 > 0:23:51and that Jesus appears as a separate character in the film.

0:23:51 > 0:23:53So that's a robust defence, is it?

0:23:53 > 0:23:59- You're confident that will work?- No. It's a bit of a punt, to be honest,

0:23:59 > 0:24:01But let's hope it works!

0:24:01 > 0:24:05I don't want to be the man who sent the Pythons to prison!

0:24:05 > 0:24:09Right. Yes. And that's it, is it?

0:24:09 > 0:24:11Fingers crossed? Touch wood?

0:24:11 > 0:24:14- Say a prayer?- Afraid so.

0:24:14 > 0:24:16And I hate to say this...

0:24:16 > 0:24:22because I am a fan...but you did sort of bring this on yourselves.

0:24:22 > 0:24:29- I beg your pardon? - Well, the blasphemy laws remained unused for about 60 years.

0:24:29 > 0:24:34But about two years ago a poem was published in Gay News...

0:24:35 > 0:24:41which I believe Graham here was instrumental in setting up.

0:24:41 > 0:24:45Well, I am gay. I like news. And it's very good for film reviews.

0:24:45 > 0:24:49Fuck the film reviews, what was the poem about?

0:24:49 > 0:24:53It was a poem about a Roman soldier sticking things into Jesus's

0:24:53 > 0:24:58- stigmata while he was on the cross and becoming aroused by that.- What?

0:24:58 > 0:25:05Who the fuck would write a poem about a soldier sticking his knob in a crucified man's spear wounds?

0:25:05 > 0:25:08- I've had an idea for a poem. - Is it about wound fucking?

0:25:08 > 0:25:13- Yeah.- Sounds good. I'm writing a novel about a dysfunctional family in a Northern mining town.- Really?

0:25:13 > 0:25:19No, I'm kidding. It's actually about a really hot guy who likes to jizz over guys in a burns unit.

0:25:19 > 0:25:23- Oh, my God. That sounds amazing. - It's actually very moving.

0:25:24 > 0:25:28- Mary Whitehouse didn't like the poem.- No shit.

0:25:28 > 0:25:32And the upshot was she prosecuted Gay News.

0:25:32 > 0:25:37- And that reactivated the blasphemy laws. - And you lot knew about this?

0:25:37 > 0:25:40Oh, yes, they contributed to the Gay News fighting fund -

0:25:40 > 0:25:44which is a principled stand I really admired.

0:25:44 > 0:25:46Big fan of that.

0:25:46 > 0:25:51Although, wearing my QC's hat, or wig,

0:25:51 > 0:25:54I would say it was unhelpful.

0:25:54 > 0:25:58Or, to put it in the words of my nine-year-old grandson, 'Jo-ey!'.

0:26:02 > 0:26:03No.

0:26:03 > 0:26:05I thought that would be quite funny.

0:26:05 > 0:26:08Whoa, epic fail.

0:26:09 > 0:26:11Dear BBC,

0:26:11 > 0:26:17the Joey Deacon reference in Holy Flying Circus is inexcusable.

0:26:17 > 0:26:22The story is set in 1979

0:26:22 > 0:26:27and Mr Deacon did not appear on Blue Peter until 1981

0:26:27 > 0:26:32therefore, a nine-year-old would be unlikely to be aware of his existence

0:26:32 > 0:26:39unless you're implying he was a relative or neighbour WHICH I DOUBT.

0:26:39 > 0:26:43Also, the sub-Python self-referential

0:26:43 > 0:26:48quasi-avant garde posturing bullshit sucks arse.

0:26:48 > 0:26:53Big...hairy...nana...arse.

0:26:55 > 0:26:57Come in!

0:26:57 > 0:26:59Yeah, I want a three-part series about canals.

0:26:59 > 0:27:04a documentary about Scandinavian jazz and some old footage of a barge.

0:27:04 > 0:27:08That's all we'll be showing for the next six months.

0:27:11 > 0:27:14We've had a complaint.

0:27:14 > 0:27:16Oh...oh...

0:27:20 > 0:27:22Do you know what I like about BBC Four?

0:27:22 > 0:27:24Nobody gives a fuck.

0:27:24 > 0:27:27D'you like to dance, Lowry?

0:27:27 > 0:27:29Dance for me, Lowry.

0:27:30 > 0:27:33HEAVY HIP-HOP Come on!

0:28:04 > 0:28:05Hi, you're here about Life of Brian?

0:28:05 > 0:28:10- Yes.- Yes.- Barry Atkins. I'm representing the film. - Andrew Thorogood.

0:28:10 > 0:28:12I'm here protesting about the film.

0:28:12 > 0:28:15- Oh. This is John. - Yes, I know who he is.

0:28:15 > 0:28:16- I'm Michael.- I know who you are.

0:28:17 > 0:28:21So. Should we duke it out right here?

0:28:21 > 0:28:26I don't like conflict. Just here to register our feelings.

0:28:29 > 0:28:34- So, what's the damage, Jim? - We're giving it a double A.

0:28:34 > 0:28:39A double A?! On what grounds? In what way is that film suitable for a 14-year-old?

0:28:39 > 0:28:42- There's no sex... - There are buttocks.

0:28:42 > 0:28:45- There's no violence. - People are crucified.

0:28:45 > 0:28:48- And there's no C word. - What about the B word?

0:28:48 > 0:28:50- Bastard or bugger?- Blasphemy.

0:28:50 > 0:28:54This could undermine a 14-year-old's faith in Christianity.

0:28:54 > 0:28:58In our view, it's just a bunch of silly jokes. Very good ones, though.

0:28:58 > 0:29:00- Thanks very much. - Good? Bloody brilliant.

0:29:00 > 0:29:04I see. In that case, I shall have to take this up with a higher authority.

0:29:04 > 0:29:05Who's that then, God?

0:29:05 > 0:29:08No. The council.

0:29:08 > 0:29:12- Could you sign these for me? - Certainly. It would be a pleasure.

0:29:12 > 0:29:14What did he mean about the council?

0:29:14 > 0:29:16The BBFC is only advisory.

0:29:16 > 0:29:19Local councils can have the final say over what films are shown.

0:29:19 > 0:29:21And they can reclassify films if they don't like our rating.

0:29:21 > 0:29:23- You're kidding?- I kid you not.

0:29:30 > 0:29:31Right, OK.

0:29:31 > 0:29:34The BBFC have given it a double A.

0:29:34 > 0:29:37Oh, that is a sh-sh-sh...

0:29:37 > 0:29:39SHITBUCKET!

0:29:39 > 0:29:42Sh-Shame. So, what now?

0:29:42 > 0:29:45We write to local councils asking them to ban Life of Brian.

0:29:45 > 0:29:47# DAN-DAN-DAAAN!

0:29:47 > 0:29:56- Or reclassify it as an X.- ECZEMA! - Maybe if the B-B-B-B-B-B-B...

0:29:56 > 0:30:00B-B-B-B-B...

0:30:00 > 0:30:05Maybe if they think it's OK, m-m-maybe it is OK.

0:30:08 > 0:30:11They make fun of the Lord and you think that's OK, do you, Gareth?

0:30:11 > 0:30:14- N-n-n-n...- Good. That's the end of the discussion.

0:30:14 > 0:30:15- Yes, b-b-b-b... - That's quite all right.

0:30:15 > 0:30:18No need to apologise.

0:30:22 > 0:30:23CUNT!

0:30:28 > 0:30:31Some councils are definitely going to ask for an X certificate.

0:30:31 > 0:30:37So my question to you all is this - are you happy to take an X certificate

0:30:37 > 0:30:41- and at least get the film seen by some people?- ALL: No.

0:30:41 > 0:30:44They show it with the BBFC certificate or they don't get to show it at all.

0:30:44 > 0:30:46We can't give in to censorship.

0:30:46 > 0:30:50- So you'd rather censor yourselves? - Yes.- It's half logical, half silly.

0:30:50 > 0:30:54- Out of interest, how much revenue will we lose?- Fifty percent? Maybe more.

0:30:54 > 0:31:01All those in favour of refusing the X certificate say Eric is a money-grabbing bastard.

0:31:01 > 0:31:04- ALL:- Eric is a money-grabbing bastard.

0:31:04 > 0:31:08- Eric is a money-grabbing bastard. - All right. I'll let Doug know.

0:31:08 > 0:31:13I know various churches are writing to their members to ask them to put pressure on councils for a boycott.

0:31:13 > 0:31:18Let's just hope our politicians to do the right thing and don't act out of cowardly self-interest.

0:31:38 > 0:31:41# Soldiers of Christ, arise

0:31:41 > 0:31:42FRONT BOTTOM!

0:31:42 > 0:31:44# And put your armour on

0:31:50 > 0:31:52# ..His eternal son

0:31:52 > 0:31:56# Strong in the Lord of hosts

0:31:56 > 0:31:59# And in his mighty power...

0:31:59 > 0:32:00P-P-P-Power...

0:32:00 > 0:32:02SINGING FIZZLES OUT

0:32:02 > 0:32:03Oh, shit.

0:32:04 > 0:32:05Hello.

0:32:05 > 0:32:07I thought you didn't like conflict.

0:32:07 > 0:32:10We are merely peacefully protesting.

0:32:10 > 0:32:12Exercising our right to free speech.

0:32:12 > 0:32:16Right. Thank you so much. Piss off.

0:32:26 > 0:32:27DOORBELL

0:32:29 > 0:32:31You expecting anyone?

0:32:32 > 0:32:34No.

0:32:37 > 0:32:42Hello. Can I talk to you about Life of Brian?

0:32:42 > 0:32:44Yes, but can I talk to YOU about Life of Brian?

0:32:44 > 0:32:47- Great...What?- No, never mind.

0:32:47 > 0:32:52- We'd like you to sign our petition to help get Life of Brian banned. - I don't think it should be banned.

0:32:52 > 0:32:55- We believe it's evil and should be banned.- Would you like to come in and discuss it?

0:32:55 > 0:33:00No! Nothing to discuss, it's blasphemous and it should be banned. Can you sign our petition?

0:33:00 > 0:33:02Can you explain to me why it should be banned?

0:33:04 > 0:33:06Look, you're wasting my time.

0:33:06 > 0:33:09I have other people to talk to who want to sign my petition.

0:33:09 > 0:33:11Don't you think it's worth talking over? Maybe you can persuade me to sign?

0:33:11 > 0:33:13Maybe I'll persuade you why people shouldn't sign?

0:33:13 > 0:33:16Are you trying to brainwash me?

0:33:16 > 0:33:17No, I just want to have a conversation with you.

0:33:17 > 0:33:19There's no conversation to be had.

0:33:19 > 0:33:21- Do you want to sign my petition?- No.

0:33:21 > 0:33:25- Why not?- I'm not convinced the film should be banned.- Why not?

0:33:25 > 0:33:28- Did you write it?- Er, yes.

0:33:28 > 0:33:30Oh, I see.

0:33:30 > 0:33:31You're one of them.

0:33:31 > 0:33:36- It's not Invasion of the Bodysnatchers.- Deny it if you can - you're one of them.

0:33:36 > 0:33:39- Why would I deny it? I just told you. - You can't. You can't deny it.

0:33:39 > 0:33:43- I don't want to deny it!- You see! - I do see, because I told you.

0:33:43 > 0:33:47- You're one of them. - God, are we still on this? Yes, I am one of them.

0:33:49 > 0:33:51So will you sign my petition or not?

0:33:51 > 0:33:54- No.- Why not?- Oh...

0:33:56 > 0:33:59We want to have a debate about the Life of Brian.

0:33:59 > 0:34:02Well, that sounds tremendous.

0:34:02 > 0:34:06And we wondered if you, the People's Church of St Sophia, would like to come on the show?

0:34:06 > 0:34:09Us?

0:34:09 > 0:34:14On the show? I don't think that's a good idea.

0:34:14 > 0:34:17- Why not?- Well, I can't.

0:34:17 > 0:34:20I don't like conflict.

0:34:20 > 0:34:21What about you two?

0:34:21 > 0:34:24N-N-N-N-N-N...

0:34:24 > 0:34:26- That's a no.- Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y

0:34:26 > 0:34:28Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y...

0:34:28 > 0:34:32That's a yes. As in yes, it's a no. He has a stammer.

0:34:32 > 0:34:35And you, Desmond? Would you like to come on the show?

0:34:37 > 0:34:39Come on! Speak up!

0:34:39 > 0:34:43I had no idea he was going to say that. Really, I had no idea.

0:34:43 > 0:34:46I've had that Friday Night, Saturday Morning on the phone again.

0:34:46 > 0:34:48Want to know if you've changed your minds.

0:34:48 > 0:34:51The exact words were "being as it's all gone tits up".

0:34:51 > 0:34:55No, there's no point. Everyone's mind up their minds already. You can't persuade anyone.

0:34:55 > 0:34:58- I think we should. - You said no before!

0:34:58 > 0:34:59- No, I didn't.- Yes, you did!

0:34:59 > 0:35:02No, I didn't. Well, you said yes.

0:35:02 > 0:35:05- So, I've changed my mind. - Oh, so you're just being contrary.

0:35:05 > 0:35:07No, I'm not.

0:35:07 > 0:35:09I'm really not.

0:35:09 > 0:35:10I think we can persuade people.

0:35:10 > 0:35:13We are intelligent men.

0:35:13 > 0:35:18Well, you might struggle with your flabby Oxford minds.

0:35:18 > 0:35:22No danger of that with our sharper Cambridge intellects.

0:35:22 > 0:35:27And I, for one, think it's vital we exercise our right to free speech to defend free speech.

0:35:27 > 0:35:29No. Everyone's entrenched. It's utterly futile.

0:35:34 > 0:35:37Fuck! We can't have spunked it.

0:35:38 > 0:35:40There must be something we can do. Try their agent again.

0:35:40 > 0:35:42- Not going to happen.- All right.

0:35:42 > 0:35:46We ring Ken, get the Nine o'clock News to pump up the story even bigger

0:35:46 > 0:35:49- so they have to defend themselves. - You can't do that.

0:35:49 > 0:35:53- Or we send them death threats. - That's not very nice.- Someone will do it.- I'm sure they will.

0:35:53 > 0:35:59- All right we send them a shit in the post.- What?- Something to rile them... stir them into action.

0:35:59 > 0:36:02- No, I don't want to do that.- Shh. - No, Ian said...- Shh.

0:36:02 > 0:36:03- Don't tell me to...- Shh.

0:36:05 > 0:36:06- But I... - SHHH!

0:36:09 > 0:36:11And what did the police say?

0:36:11 > 0:36:14They said, "Can you think of anyone who might want to send you faeces?"

0:36:14 > 0:36:20- What did you say to that? - I said, "Yes. Jesus. Anyone who likes Jesus.

0:36:20 > 0:36:26"Businessmen, philosophers, upper class twits, Australians, women, TV presenters, Alan Whicker,

0:36:26 > 0:36:31"The Beatles, Yorkshiremen, anyone who works in the production or marketing of Spam, men who say,

0:36:31 > 0:36:35"'Nudge nudge', knights who say Ni!' and anyone who doesn't like jokes about ocelots.

0:36:35 > 0:36:39- "You know, Officer. The usual." - What did you actually say?

0:36:39 > 0:36:44I said, "Have you tried Derek 'So Mad He Shits In A Box' McNee at Number 24?"

0:36:44 > 0:36:46- What did you actually say? - I said no. Happy now?

0:36:46 > 0:36:50I said, "No, I do not know anyone who hates me enough to send me poo in the post,

0:36:50 > 0:36:52- apart from the other Pythons. - What did they say?

0:36:52 > 0:36:54They said, "Nothing we can do, I'm afraid,

0:36:54 > 0:36:59- "unless someone threatens you or attacks you."- Oh, for fuck's sake! And they can't trace it?

0:36:59 > 0:37:01No, to be fair to them it's not like there was a trail of shit

0:37:01 > 0:37:04leading out the door to a man trying to do up his trousers.

0:37:04 > 0:37:06And they can't do anything forensic?

0:37:06 > 0:37:08No, each shit is not unique. They're not fingerprints.

0:37:08 > 0:37:10Some of them can be quite swirly.

0:37:10 > 0:37:12Yes,

0:37:12 > 0:37:14but we cannot identify people from their shit.

0:37:14 > 0:37:17Shits do not look like their owners. Which is lucky, because

0:37:17 > 0:37:22otherwise we'd have old ladies standing round lavatories cooing, "Ooh, it's the spit of you."

0:37:22 > 0:37:25Hello, Barry. Have you heard about Eric's shit in a box?

0:37:25 > 0:37:28Oh, right, you've had one too? Yeah, we've had some here.

0:37:28 > 0:37:33Now while I've got you all here, I've been told in the light of the current situation,

0:37:33 > 0:37:35I need to ask you all to make wills.

0:37:35 > 0:37:40It's just shit, Barry. I think the worst that can happen is we go blind, isn't it?

0:37:40 > 0:37:44- Yeah, we've had death threats... - What?- It's just jokes for fuck's sake.

0:37:44 > 0:37:48What happened to sticks and stones may break my bones but names can never hurt me?

0:37:48 > 0:37:50I told you! What did I say!

0:37:50 > 0:37:52The great British Public are fucking bastards.

0:37:52 > 0:37:56It's a bit apocalyptic, isn't it? A third part of the sea became blood

0:37:56 > 0:38:00and people didst shit into a box and threaten to kill thy comedy performers for no good reason.

0:38:00 > 0:38:02Look, do you want to back down?

0:38:02 > 0:38:07We could withdraw the film like Kubrick did with Clockwork Orange?

0:38:07 > 0:38:08All right, don't answer that now.

0:38:08 > 0:38:15Maybe just go away, have a think about it, talk to your families.

0:38:15 > 0:38:20All those in favour of maintaining our zero-tolerance stance to censorship say Mrs Niggerbaiter.

0:38:20 > 0:38:22ALL: Mrs Niggerbaiter.

0:38:26 > 0:38:27You seem worried.

0:38:27 > 0:38:32- How can you tell?- Well, you're pacing, which you don't normally do.

0:38:32 > 0:38:35And you're smoking, which you don't normally do.

0:38:35 > 0:38:37Well, I admit I am worried.

0:38:37 > 0:38:40You can't take it personally. How can I not take it personally?

0:38:40 > 0:38:43They're burning an effigy of me in my own garden.

0:38:49 > 0:38:51They're just weird.

0:38:51 > 0:38:53Close the window, darling. It smells of burning you.

0:38:53 > 0:38:55This is ridiculous. How did this get so out of hand?

0:38:55 > 0:38:59I think it's because you made that film making fun of their religion.

0:38:59 > 0:39:03Maybe I should go on Friday Night, Saturday Morning? Would that help?

0:39:03 > 0:39:05Don't ask me, darling, I'm just a pretty face.

0:39:05 > 0:39:09What if it just makes things worse? Just fans the flames?

0:39:09 > 0:39:13Sorry! We set fire to your tree. ­

0:39:13 > 0:39:15Oh, for God's sake.

0:39:37 > 0:39:39Can I just say...

0:39:39 > 0:39:44it's been a tremendous honour for me to help prepare your wills.

0:39:44 > 0:39:49As well as getting your signatures, I was wondering if I could also

0:39:49 > 0:39:51get your autographs?

0:39:53 > 0:39:56Wrong time?

0:39:56 > 0:39:59Wrong time. Sorry.

0:40:05 > 0:40:07Terry says you've had to make a will.

0:40:07 > 0:40:10It's just a precaution, Mum, it's nothing to worry about.

0:40:10 > 0:40:13No. Why would I worry about my son making fun of religion and being murdered by a fanatic?

0:40:13 > 0:40:17No, I won't be losing any sleep over that one. Perfectly normal.

0:40:17 > 0:40:21My friend Elaine... her son's just been stabbed for pulling a face at a Buddhist.

0:40:21 > 0:40:23Happens all the time.

0:40:23 > 0:40:26Honestly, mum. They've just done it to cover themselves.

0:40:26 > 0:40:29Besides, if the protestors wanted to kill anyone it would probably be John. He's the annoying one.

0:40:29 > 0:40:32Did you make a proper will?

0:40:32 > 0:40:34Or have you promised to leave all your money to a penguin?

0:40:34 > 0:40:37- And a rickshaw to a Spaniard? - No, it's a proper will.

0:40:37 > 0:40:39So it is a proper will. So I should be worried.

0:40:40 > 0:40:42What are you trying to do, Michael?

0:40:43 > 0:40:45Are you willy waving at Jesus?

0:40:45 > 0:40:47Sh! Mum, we're in a restaurant.

0:40:47 > 0:40:50- Why make fun of religion? - We're not. And even if we were...

0:40:50 > 0:40:52is that so bad?

0:40:52 > 0:40:56Look how much you're upsetting people. You might think they're stupid people. Or priggish people.

0:40:56 > 0:40:58But they're real people.

0:40:58 > 0:41:00Why are their thoughts and feelings less important than yours?

0:41:00 > 0:41:03Well, why are my feelings less important than theirs?

0:41:03 > 0:41:06Oh... SHE TUTS

0:41:07 > 0:41:10I just don't understand why you're doing this, Michael.

0:41:10 > 0:41:12I want to understand.

0:41:13 > 0:41:16I just don't.

0:41:18 > 0:41:21MUSIC: "Death of a Clown" by The Kinks

0:41:36 > 0:41:39I've changed my mind about the debate.

0:41:39 > 0:41:43- I think we should do it.- Why?

0:41:43 > 0:41:45Because this is getting out of hand.

0:41:45 > 0:41:50We've got an orchestrated campaign against us. We've been banned by 39 local councils.

0:41:50 > 0:41:54We're only opening in one cinema. People who work for us are getting death threats

0:41:54 > 0:42:00and there are people outside right now praying that we withdraw the film and renounce our sins.

0:42:04 > 0:42:07- Renounce your sins!- Go away!

0:42:07 > 0:42:09You're sinister and intimidating!

0:42:09 > 0:42:13ALL: We are not sinister or intimidating!

0:42:13 > 0:42:16We are merely following you and watching you.

0:42:16 > 0:42:20Like the Lord is watching you.

0:42:20 > 0:42:23Always and forever.

0:42:23 > 0:42:24I'M SPARTACUS!

0:42:29 > 0:42:30­ WANKER!

0:42:31 > 0:42:35We've got to stick up for ourselves. If we don't stand up for ourselves

0:42:35 > 0:42:38who's going to stand up for all the other comedians who come after us?

0:42:38 > 0:42:41We need to take a stand to allow funny men and women everywhere to

0:42:41 > 0:42:48make jokes about murder and rape and projectile vomiting and handicapped kiddies and Mohammed in a bear suit

0:42:48 > 0:42:52and I don't know, Olympic swimmers with faces like spoons.

0:42:52 > 0:42:55- Mike's got a point. - I agree. You should do it.

0:42:55 > 0:42:58No. No way. Not at all, I'm out.

0:42:58 > 0:43:01- Please, John. I know you love being contrary.- No I don't.

0:43:01 > 0:43:06But on this, can't you see? It's them we should be disagreeing with, not each other.

0:43:06 > 0:43:07I think you should do it.

0:43:07 > 0:43:09You and John.

0:43:09 > 0:43:11And why us, pray tell?

0:43:11 > 0:43:15Because you're good at shouting at people and being enormously sarcastic.

0:43:15 > 0:43:19And Mike's the nicest man in the world. You're the perfect team.

0:43:19 > 0:43:23I can't do it, because Christians and homosexuals can't be in the same room together.

0:43:23 > 0:43:28We're their natural predators. Terry G can't do it because he's American

0:43:28 > 0:43:32and I think deep down none of us like or trust Americans. No offence, Terry.

0:43:32 > 0:43:37- Screw you, ass-monkey.- Terry J can't do it because he'll just prattle on about the camera angles.

0:43:37 > 0:43:39- And Eric won't do it because they won't pay him.- Exactly.

0:43:39 > 0:43:43So you two have to do it. All those in favour say Christ on a gondola.

0:43:43 > 0:43:45ALL: Christ on a gondola.

0:43:45 > 0:43:49Come on, John. You can shout at a man in a dress.

0:43:49 > 0:43:51It'll be like doing the show again.

0:43:51 > 0:43:53I thought you said there was no point,

0:43:53 > 0:43:56that everyone had made up their mind.

0:43:56 > 0:44:01I spoke to my mum. She said she doesn't understand why we've done it.

0:44:01 > 0:44:03She wants to but she doesn't.

0:44:03 > 0:44:05I think maybe there are other people like that out there.

0:44:05 > 0:44:10- Is this about them, or about you and your mum?- Oh, please, John.

0:44:10 > 0:44:12I'm asking nicely.

0:44:12 > 0:44:15Well, you would, wouldn't you?

0:44:15 > 0:44:20Fine. Fine, no don't do it, I'll do it myself.

0:44:27 > 0:44:29No, fine.

0:44:29 > 0:44:32I can't let you have all the fun.

0:44:33 > 0:44:36I'll do it.

0:44:36 > 0:44:37Christ on a gondola.

0:44:37 > 0:44:38Christ on a gondola.

0:44:53 > 0:44:55Oh, sorry love.

0:45:01 > 0:45:04Was Terry there tonight?

0:45:04 > 0:45:06Yes.

0:45:06 > 0:45:08I like Terry.

0:45:08 > 0:45:10He's my favourite.

0:45:12 > 0:45:15John's coming round tomorrow.

0:45:15 > 0:45:17Homework. For the debate.

0:45:17 > 0:45:20Are you sure it's a good idea to do that show?

0:45:20 > 0:45:22Why?

0:45:22 > 0:45:25Well, what if the debate doesn't go ok?

0:45:25 > 0:45:27What if it makes things worse?

0:45:27 > 0:45:31Then we'll move to Mexico and change our names.

0:45:31 > 0:45:36I'll start a new life as Miguel Palinez and work as a guacamole inspector.

0:46:00 > 0:46:02HE VOMITS

0:46:10 > 0:46:13Don't expect me to go with you.

0:46:13 > 0:46:18Hey. I thought you said even if all the religious leaders of the world denounced me you'd stick by me.

0:46:18 > 0:46:22I just don't want to see you murdered by some religious maniac.

0:46:28 > 0:46:30You put that away.

0:46:34 > 0:46:39- What?- We've got the Pythons! Cleese and Palin confirmed this morning!

0:46:39 > 0:46:43YEEEEES! ONE-NIL! KEMPES!

0:46:43 > 0:46:44Bloody brilliant!

0:46:44 > 0:46:46Come here and give me a hug!

0:46:46 > 0:46:50- I don't want to give you a hug, Alan.- Come on, give me a hug!

0:46:51 > 0:46:53So how did we do it?

0:46:53 > 0:46:56I asked Iain. He knows them.

0:46:56 > 0:46:59- I told you that.- Iain...?- Iain.

0:46:59 > 0:47:01Iain Johnstone.

0:47:01 > 0:47:02Never heard of him.

0:47:02 > 0:47:07- So,...who's heard about Frank Bough? - HE SNIGGERS

0:47:11 > 0:47:14You know, sometimes I truly despise this country.

0:47:14 > 0:47:17The descent into yobbery goes on unabated.

0:47:17 > 0:47:19Do you know I just saw two teenagers spitting in the street?

0:47:19 > 0:47:22Do you think they know that's how TB spreads? Of course they don't. Do they care?

0:47:22 > 0:47:24No.

0:47:24 > 0:47:29I blame the Tories. Things would be a lot different if the Lib Dems were in power, that's for sure.

0:47:29 > 0:47:32The Lib Dems? There's no such thing as the Lib Dems.

0:47:32 > 0:47:33- Don't you mean the Liberals?- Shh.

0:47:36 > 0:47:38So I've been doing a spot of homework.

0:47:38 > 0:47:40Right. Crikey.

0:47:40 > 0:47:44Someone's taking it all very seriously.

0:47:44 > 0:47:47Any idea who we're up against?

0:47:47 > 0:47:48Funny you should ask that.

0:47:48 > 0:47:52- Not a clue.- So who are we gonna put 'em up against?

0:47:52 > 0:47:56- Well, I still think we can still get a couple of bishops. - Two bishops? No. Way too dry.

0:47:56 > 0:48:00About as dry as a dry roasted peanut up a dead nun's noo-noo.

0:48:00 > 0:48:02No, we need a comedy type person on.

0:48:02 > 0:48:05- You know there are comedy people who are Christian.- Really?

0:48:05 > 0:48:08I know. Weird, isn't it?

0:48:08 > 0:48:10What about Malcolm Muggeridge?

0:48:10 > 0:48:15Malcolm Muggeridge? The hard-drinking, chain-smoking, womanising Malcolm Muggeridge?

0:48:15 > 0:48:20Yeah. The hard-drinking, chain-smoking, womanising, BORN-AGAIN Malcolm Muggeridge.

0:48:25 > 0:48:27It says here he's famously contrary.

0:48:27 > 0:48:31His maxim is, 'only dead fish swim with the stream'.

0:48:31 > 0:48:34Great. Whatever happens, he'll be dynamite TV.

0:48:38 > 0:48:41Are you sure you want this guy on the show?

0:48:41 > 0:48:44Yes. He'll bring gravitas.

0:48:48 > 0:48:49HE FARTS

0:48:49 > 0:48:52Look. He used to do comedy. Now he does religion.

0:48:52 > 0:48:56And he likes to go on TV and say shit he knows will wind people up.

0:48:56 > 0:49:01He could only be better if he had tits like Cleo Rocos and did the splits like Nadia Comaneci.

0:49:01 > 0:49:04But what if... I'm ignoring that last bit...

0:49:04 > 0:49:09what if he ends up siding with the Pythons? According to this he was in a similar situation once.

0:49:09 > 0:49:13There was some big outcry about an article he wrote.

0:49:14 > 0:49:16What the hell were you thinking?

0:49:16 > 0:49:17- Have you read it? - I don't need to read it, Malcolm,

0:49:17 > 0:49:20it's called, "Does England Really Need A Queen?"

0:49:20 > 0:49:24You might as well have called it, "I Think It's Acceptable To Masturbate Into Marmalade".

0:49:24 > 0:49:27- What the bloody hell were you thinking, man?- Fuss over nothing.

0:49:27 > 0:49:30I said pretty much the same thing in another piece about two years ago.

0:49:30 > 0:49:32That's as maybe but no-one complained about that one.

0:49:32 > 0:49:36They are complaining about this one because they find it offensive, and quite rightly so.

0:49:36 > 0:49:39How can it possibly be offensive? It's only a thought.

0:49:39 > 0:49:43- I hear Beaverbrook's cancelling your contract.- Apparently.

0:49:43 > 0:49:46I'm sorry to hear that, Malcolm, but you've brought this on yourself.

0:49:46 > 0:49:50We have to let you go. It's the BBC, for God's sake, we've got certain standards.

0:49:50 > 0:49:53- No hard feelings?- Towards you?

0:49:53 > 0:49:55Not at all.

0:49:55 > 0:49:56Good. Come on.

0:50:00 > 0:50:03- I've shagged his wife. - Who? Marjorie?

0:50:03 > 0:50:06No, Olivia.

0:50:06 > 0:50:08That's MY wife.

0:50:08 > 0:50:10Oh, then I've shagged YOUR wife.

0:50:10 > 0:50:13Sorry about that. Lovely woman though.

0:50:13 > 0:50:17Makes a wonderful breakfast.

0:50:17 > 0:50:19Maybe he'll side with the Pythons.

0:50:19 > 0:50:21Maybe not. That's the beauty of it.

0:50:21 > 0:50:23The guy's totally unpredictable.

0:50:23 > 0:50:27He's a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a...shit.

0:50:27 > 0:50:33Maybe he'll argue with the Pythons AND the Bishop and we've got a three-way fist fight. Love it.

0:50:33 > 0:50:36Post me my Bafta.

0:50:38 > 0:50:40OK. I'm the bishop.

0:50:40 > 0:50:45- Right.- Why have you deliberately set out to offend people of faith?

0:50:45 > 0:50:51Well, Bishop, it wasn't our intention to deliberately offend Christians or to be blasphemous.

0:50:51 > 0:50:55- I totally disagree with that. - Sorry, is this you in character or are you talking as you?

0:50:55 > 0:50:57I'm talking as me.

0:50:57 > 0:50:59Talk to Graham about it. Ask him what he thinks.

0:50:59 > 0:51:04He's not that keen on Christians because they're not that keen on homosexuals.

0:51:04 > 0:51:06I don't think we intended to be offensive just for the sake of it.

0:51:06 > 0:51:09There's nothing wrong with being offensive.

0:51:09 > 0:51:10It's part of life.

0:51:10 > 0:51:13If you get offended, so what?

0:51:13 > 0:51:14In a way, it's a good thing.

0:51:14 > 0:51:18It tells you you're still alive at least.

0:51:18 > 0:51:21Why can't I say things to offend you?

0:51:21 > 0:51:24Why can't I say I don't like your hair?

0:51:24 > 0:51:28Or your wife looks like a man and makes fucking awful soup. What's the worst that can happen?

0:51:28 > 0:51:31- Hello, John.- Oh, hello.

0:51:31 > 0:51:33- Didn't realise you were... - Cup of tea?

0:51:33 > 0:51:37I can put the kettle on, although I don't think it'll suit me.

0:51:37 > 0:51:41Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:51:41 > 0:51:45Very good! Very good. Well done.

0:51:45 > 0:51:48Most amusing. Tres amusant.

0:51:48 > 0:51:51No, we're fine, thank you, most kind of you to ask.

0:51:51 > 0:51:54We're-We're-We're-We're fine.

0:51:54 > 0:51:58Sure I can't I get you anything? Glass of cordial? Spot of soup?

0:52:00 > 0:52:02No, we're fine, thank you.

0:52:02 > 0:52:05Although your soup is always delightful.

0:52:15 > 0:52:16Right. Where was I?

0:52:16 > 0:52:21- Being offensive.- Being offensive, thank you. What is the worst that could happen?

0:52:21 > 0:52:23You'll stop talking to me? Heaven forfend!

0:52:23 > 0:52:25What will probably happen?

0:52:25 > 0:52:28You'll be upset for a bit and then forget about it.

0:52:28 > 0:52:30What's the best that can happen?

0:52:30 > 0:52:32Maybe you'll think "John's got a point.

0:52:32 > 0:52:35"My wife does look like a man

0:52:35 > 0:52:38"and her soup does taste fucking awful. Maybe I should leave her."

0:52:38 > 0:52:41I've been able to keep my marriage together thanks.

0:52:41 > 0:52:44That's the spirit!

0:52:44 > 0:52:47Besides, we haven't been offensive, Mike.

0:52:47 > 0:52:49People just like complaining.

0:52:49 > 0:52:51The British love complaining.

0:52:51 > 0:52:54Complaining about the weather, complaining about the government,

0:52:54 > 0:52:57the fucking darkies, the fucking queers, Noel fucking Edmonds

0:52:57 > 0:52:59and his Multi-Cunting Swap Shop.

0:52:59 > 0:53:03When it comes to the British you can't please any of the people

0:53:03 > 0:53:06any of the time, and you know why they like complaining so much?

0:53:06 > 0:53:09Maybe because deep down they know there is no fucking God and it takes

0:53:09 > 0:53:15their mind off the fact that their lives are a pathetic sham that won't amount to a hill of shitty beans.

0:53:17 > 0:53:19Are you going to be like this on the TV?

0:53:19 > 0:53:22Yes, I am.

0:53:25 > 0:53:27So what about our bishop?

0:53:27 > 0:53:31He can't be too serious but he can't be too flippant.

0:53:31 > 0:53:34How will we find the best bishop?

0:53:49 > 0:53:51Hmm, no.

0:53:51 > 0:53:53No.

0:53:53 > 0:53:54No.

0:53:54 > 0:53:55Ooh, no.

0:53:56 > 0:53:59Him. He's perfect.

0:53:59 > 0:54:03- Are you sure?- Oh, yes. He's absolutely mad.

0:54:05 > 0:54:09You know what? We should just go on this show and make fun of God.

0:54:09 > 0:54:11Yes, that would be helpful.

0:54:11 > 0:54:16- What if the Christians just attack us? - It's a rational argument.

0:54:16 > 0:54:18It's a debate.

0:54:18 > 0:54:20I think we go on the attack.

0:54:20 > 0:54:24"Bishop. You work for an organisation that is closely associated with kiddie fiddling.

0:54:24 > 0:54:28"Where do you stand on the issue of child rape? Good Christian behaviour?"

0:54:28 > 0:54:31Yes, that's helpful, John, thanks.

0:54:31 > 0:54:33Well, let's not take it too seriously.

0:54:33 > 0:54:34We could go on in fancy dress.

0:54:34 > 0:54:37I could go on dressed as Christ. You can go on dressed as Satan.

0:54:37 > 0:54:39We both go on dressed as Mary.

0:54:39 > 0:54:41Or babies wearing nappies. Or apostles wearing nappies.

0:54:41 > 0:54:44- And bondage gear.- You've got to take this seriously, John.

0:54:44 > 0:54:47There are people working for us who have had death threats.

0:54:47 > 0:54:49They're not important. They're the little people.

0:54:49 > 0:54:51- They're expendable.- What?

0:54:51 > 0:54:53I'm joking.

0:54:53 > 0:54:55It's not very funny.

0:54:55 > 0:55:00- I think it is.- I don't think it is. You've gone too far.- No I haven't.

0:55:00 > 0:55:02And even if I had, you could pretend I hadn't.

0:55:02 > 0:55:04You can ignore me.

0:55:04 > 0:55:06Or you could stop being my friend.

0:55:06 > 0:55:08- God, you're difficult.- No, I'm not.

0:55:08 > 0:55:11- Yes, you are.- Right. That's it.

0:55:11 > 0:55:14Enough is enough.

0:55:14 > 0:55:17It doesn't have to be like this.

0:55:37 > 0:55:40I look inside you, Palin, and all I see is weakness.

0:55:40 > 0:55:43I look inside you and see hatred.

0:55:43 > 0:55:46Give in to hatred. Hating things is funny.

0:55:46 > 0:55:49No, never. I'd rather be nice.

0:55:49 > 0:55:52Sorry. No offence.

0:55:54 > 0:55:57Stop being nice, you soppy bastard.

0:55:57 > 0:56:01That's it, run away, run away from the fight, you big chicken.

0:56:04 > 0:56:07- You all right, John? Hang on, I'm coming.- Got you!

0:56:12 > 0:56:16Bloody BBC, they should have had stunt men for this.

0:56:18 > 0:56:21- Who won?- No idea. - You should have storyboarded it.

0:56:21 > 0:56:24I did do a storyboard it but I left it by the window and it blew away.

0:56:24 > 0:56:28- Well, maybe shut the fucking window. - I know but it adds an interesting visual texture to the room...

0:56:28 > 0:56:30I'll just see you at TV Centre tomorrow, shall I?

0:56:30 > 0:56:32John, what are you going to say on the show?

0:56:32 > 0:56:38- I'm going to talk about how Fawlty Towers is much funnier than Ripping Yarns.- Seriously, John.

0:56:38 > 0:56:41- I'm going to be as offensive as possible.- This is important, John.

0:56:41 > 0:56:44This isn't just the future of comedy we're arguing for,

0:56:44 > 0:56:45this is free speech.

0:56:45 > 0:56:47I believe in free speech, Mike.

0:56:47 > 0:56:49That's why I can't let you censor me.

0:56:49 > 0:56:53That's why I'm going to say whatever the fuck I like.

0:56:55 > 0:56:59Arse...Balls...Prick...

0:56:59 > 0:57:00..Shit.

0:57:02 > 0:57:05Thank you and good night.

0:57:05 > 0:57:10# Balls and bugger and shits and tits and a whole lot of fanny... #

0:57:25 > 0:57:28How did it go with John today?

0:57:28 > 0:57:32He thinks I'm taking it all too seriously.

0:57:32 > 0:57:34- And are you?- I don't know.

0:57:34 > 0:57:38What's more important than making fun of things?

0:57:38 > 0:57:40If we're not allowed to make fun of things that take themselves

0:57:40 > 0:57:44too seriously, how do we stop them from taking over the world?

0:57:44 > 0:57:47What happens if the comedians take themselves too seriously?

0:57:47 > 0:57:49Comedians are allowed to take themselves too seriously

0:57:49 > 0:57:52because they're special and better than everyone else.

0:57:52 > 0:57:54- Oh, really?- Yes.

0:57:56 > 0:57:58I can't think straight any more.

0:57:58 > 0:58:01Come to bed. You've done too much homework.

0:58:01 > 0:58:04If you don't know why comedians are better than God now, you'll never know.

0:58:06 > 0:58:09I should probably do a bit more prep, love.

0:58:20 > 0:58:23Fancy a bunk-up?

0:58:25 > 0:58:27Yeah, go on then.

0:58:34 > 0:58:40Do you ever think that we're persecuting the Pythons?

0:58:41 > 0:58:44No. They're persecuting us.

0:58:44 > 0:58:47Thousands of films get made every year.

0:58:47 > 0:58:52So one happens to be a comedy about religion. Is that them focusing on us?

0:58:52 > 0:58:56Or are we focusing on them?

0:58:56 > 0:58:57WEIRDO!

0:58:57 > 0:59:00Are you having a moment of doubt, Doubting Desmond?

0:59:00 > 0:59:04PATRONISING TIT! No. No.

0:59:04 > 0:59:07Just, you know, playing devil's advocate. PISS OFF!

0:59:12 > 0:59:13Desmond, swearing...

0:59:13 > 0:59:16Yes, yes. I am aware of it.

0:59:16 > 0:59:21- It's never deliberate, is it? - No. No. LIAR! No.

0:59:23 > 0:59:26Good. Good.

0:59:30 > 0:59:32Oh, not again.

0:59:39 > 0:59:41WHIRRING

1:00:05 > 1:00:11You're not the nicest man in the world, you're a very naughty boy.

1:00:13 > 1:00:18AGH! Run for it! I'm running for it!

1:00:23 > 1:00:26Oh, hello. You're awake. Um...

1:00:26 > 1:00:30This is awkward. The thing is, I really don't like conflict.

1:00:30 > 1:00:35but you made fun of my all-loving, all-forgiving God, so I'm going to kill you.

1:00:36 > 1:00:38Tent peg.

1:01:01 > 1:01:03You're still dreaming.

1:01:20 > 1:01:24And then Jesus popped up on a piece of toast. And there was John...

1:01:24 > 1:01:27dressed in a giant rabbit costume saying, "You're still dreaming."

1:01:27 > 1:01:30- What does that mean?- We've always been quite close, haven't we?- Yes.

1:01:30 > 1:01:34Well, until this is all over, just stay away from me.

1:01:36 > 1:01:37I'm still dreaming, aren't I?

1:01:37 > 1:01:42Yeah, you are. Please stop staring at my penis. It's disturbing.

1:01:46 > 1:01:49Probably shouldn't have had that cheese.

1:01:52 > 1:01:57Tonight on Friday Night, Saturday Morning, Michael Palin and John Cleese will

1:01:57 > 1:02:00debate the film The Life of Brian with...

1:02:00 > 1:02:03You'll be all right. You're quite good at public speaking.

1:02:03 > 1:02:07- Cup of tea.- "We interrupt our current programming...

1:02:07 > 1:02:10- I have faith in you. - Thanks, love.

1:02:10 > 1:02:15"The film The Life of Brian has just opened in London.

1:02:15 > 1:02:20"I have not seen it and I suppose I am unlikely to do so.

1:02:20 > 1:02:24"However, members will have seen the reviews and will be aware that

1:02:24 > 1:02:28"there is a great deal of concern throughout the country about it.

1:02:28 > 1:02:32"For the immediate future it will be up to Christian people

1:02:32 > 1:02:37"and others who share this concern to ensure that in this case as in other cases

1:02:37 > 1:02:43"where it seems that a film has been made which devalues humanity in their own areas

1:02:43 > 1:02:49"the local viewing committee is alerted to the need to see the film before it is publicly shown and

1:02:49 > 1:02:57"having done so, to take responsible decisions as to whether and on what conditions it should be shown.

1:03:17 > 1:03:19"Be sober, be vigilant..."

1:03:19 > 1:03:28because thy adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about seeking whom he may devour.

1:03:28 > 1:03:31Very definitely at the beginning.

1:03:31 > 1:03:34Three Wise Men arrive and...

1:03:38 > 1:03:41I can rely on you, can't I, John?

1:03:44 > 1:03:45John!

1:03:45 > 1:03:49Sorry, miles away. Wondering what to have for dinner.

1:03:49 > 1:03:51What do you think? Fish?

1:03:51 > 1:03:53God, you're a difficult bastard.

1:03:53 > 1:03:56Mike, don't say that. Doesn't suit you.

1:03:56 > 1:03:58You're the Nicest Man in the World.

1:03:58 > 1:04:01And you're the most disrespectful, disagreeable, objectionable,

1:04:01 > 1:04:03- obnoxious and annoying man in the world.- That's right.

1:04:03 > 1:04:05I fought very hard for that title.

1:04:05 > 1:04:07Wasn't easy to wrest it away from Michael Winner.

1:04:07 > 1:04:10John, this is important.

1:04:10 > 1:04:13Don't put so much pressure on yourself. It's only a chat show.

1:04:13 > 1:04:15It's not though, is it? This is about the future of comedy.

1:04:15 > 1:04:17It might even be about the future of religion.

1:04:17 > 1:04:19Well, I wish I believed we were that important but I don't.

1:04:19 > 1:04:22Well, if we're not, why are so many people protesting against us?

1:04:22 > 1:04:24This must be Harry.

1:04:24 > 1:04:26- Try to be nice.- Of course.

1:04:26 > 1:04:28Hi! Harry Balls.

1:04:28 > 1:04:32- Lovely to meet you, Harry! - Harry Balls! Jolly good!

1:04:32 > 1:04:35Thanks for agreeing to come on the show.

1:04:35 > 1:04:36Who can resist Harry Balls?

1:04:36 > 1:04:40Everyone wants to see Harry Balls. I have a...

1:04:40 > 1:04:42Can't think of anywhere we'd rather be.

1:04:42 > 1:04:44Tell me, will we be seeing Mr Dick?

1:04:44 > 1:04:46- Yes, he'll pop in.- Will he?

1:04:46 > 1:04:48Will he indeed? I'll look forward to that.

1:04:48 > 1:04:51Right, shall we...

1:04:51 > 1:04:54Remind me, is Dick above Balls?

1:04:56 > 1:05:00- ALL: Hey! - Look who's here. - The sacrificial lamb.

1:05:00 > 1:05:03It's M-M-Monty Python!

1:05:03 > 1:05:06- FAMOUS!- Don't be seduced.

1:05:06 > 1:05:08So was Adolf Hitler and Aleister Crowley.

1:05:08 > 1:05:14- Who?- What?- Michael, John - Alan Dick, Head of BBC Talk.

1:05:14 > 1:05:19So, looking forward to seeing who's going to win this one.

1:05:19 > 1:05:21Tim! This is your host for the evening.

1:05:21 > 1:05:26Tim Rice. Hello, guys, hi. Thanks so much for coming on the show.

1:05:26 > 1:05:29Listen, obviously, my role is to be impartial.

1:05:29 > 1:05:31But I just want to say I know exactly what you're going through.

1:05:31 > 1:05:36When we did Jesus Christ Superstar in 1971 it got accused of blasphemy.

1:05:36 > 1:05:38Admittedly, I did co-write it with Beelzebub.

1:05:38 > 1:05:42- Now, of course, it's the height of respectability.- I tell you what...

1:05:42 > 1:05:44I wouldn't mind having a hit musical.

1:05:44 > 1:05:48That's got to be worth a few quid. If only I had an idea for one.

1:05:48 > 1:05:52Well, you could always do what we did and lovingly rip off a story that already exists.

1:05:52 > 1:05:56So, John, will we be seeing any Basil Fawlty tonight?

1:05:56 > 1:06:01Actually, Tim, if you don't mind, I'd rather you directed most of the questions at Michael.

1:06:02 > 1:06:07- Oh, right, OK, yes, fine by me. - We're ready.- See you in there.

1:06:07 > 1:06:09Um...what?

1:06:09 > 1:06:13- Suddenly feel quite nervous for some reason.- What about me.

1:06:13 > 1:06:16It's all right for you, you draw confidence from your spirituality, don't you?

1:06:16 > 1:06:21Malcolm Muggeridge. Good evening, good evening, hello, hello.

1:06:28 > 1:06:33Wow. That is one big motherfuckin' Bishop.

1:06:40 > 1:06:42Ah, Bishop. Alan Dick,

1:06:44 > 1:06:47Let me introduce you to your opponents.

1:06:47 > 1:06:50John, Michael, this is...a bishop.

1:06:50 > 1:06:52Best of luck for the show.

1:06:52 > 1:06:54Break a leg, as they say.

1:06:54 > 1:06:57This is not the bishop I wanted.

1:06:57 > 1:07:01- Iain said he'd be better. - Who the fuck is Iain?

1:07:03 > 1:07:05Are you expecting vampires?

1:07:05 > 1:07:09Come on, Joan. You'll have to be funnier than that.

1:07:09 > 1:07:12Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

1:07:12 > 1:07:16You pompous arse. I'll take that crucifix and I'll garrotte you with it.

1:07:16 > 1:07:17Lovely cassock, Bishop.

1:07:17 > 1:07:20Very flattering.

1:07:20 > 1:07:23Thank you, Joan. You're too kind.

1:07:23 > 1:07:25Ready to go?

1:07:25 > 1:07:28So remember. The key points are we didn't kill Jesus.

1:07:28 > 1:07:31That was the Jews. If you're going to be angry with anyone...

1:07:31 > 1:07:35blame the Jews. Plus the Monty Python Scrapbook available now in all good bookshops.

1:07:35 > 1:07:38- How do we look? - Good.- Fine.- Yup.

1:07:38 > 1:07:40Shit scared.

1:07:40 > 1:07:42We should probably be going...

1:07:48 > 1:07:50OK, let's shake a leg, people.

1:07:50 > 1:07:53Let's smash the arse off of it.

1:07:53 > 1:07:54Cue titles.

1:07:54 > 1:07:58"# Friday night, Saturday morning

1:07:58 > 1:08:02"# By yesterday's dawn there's a weekend dawning

1:08:02 > 1:08:07"# Friday night, Saturday morning at last...

1:08:07 > 1:08:11You know, I find these opening credits quite offensive.

1:08:11 > 1:08:13Yes.

1:08:13 > 1:08:15As a woman.

1:08:15 > 1:08:18Yes. Yes, I knew what you meant.

1:08:25 > 1:08:27This is all a bit heterosexual, isn't it.

1:08:27 > 1:08:29Yes, I rather like it.

1:08:29 > 1:08:34Please welcome one third of Monty Python, Michael Palin and John Cleese.

1:08:44 > 1:08:47Cracked. BBC cutbacks.

1:08:47 > 1:08:52So why the name Brian?

1:08:52 > 1:08:54It's one the funny names, isn't it?

1:08:54 > 1:08:57Like Trevor or Kevin.

1:08:57 > 1:09:04- It's just funny.- So you must have known you were heading for criticism and controversy.

1:09:04 > 1:09:05A) because you were well known

1:09:05 > 1:09:09B) because, to put it mildly, the subject matter is quite well known.

1:09:09 > 1:09:15Yes but we...we wrote an awful lot which was then just thrown away because it was sort of

1:09:15 > 1:09:18struggling too hard to be controversial or...

1:09:18 > 1:09:21Well, actually, I don't know if I agree with that.

1:09:21 > 1:09:26Because I don't think that we were coming in with stuff about Christ.

1:09:26 > 1:09:30We all started writing around the edges.

1:09:30 > 1:09:35All the people who arrived five minutes after the miracle being done.

1:09:35 > 1:09:36Come on, Tim.

1:09:36 > 1:09:40No more Mr Nicey-Ricey. Poke them. Prod them. Get a reaction.

1:09:40 > 1:09:43Weren't you all in some danger of splitting up?

1:09:43 > 1:09:45Or, at least there was some internal conflict.

1:09:45 > 1:09:47Did the film in fact bring you closer together?

1:09:47 > 1:09:54Yes, I think it did. After the Grail there was about a year spent sort of in the wilderness, as it were.

1:09:54 > 1:09:57Also, there was a stage where we hated each other.

1:09:58 > 1:10:00- We're ready for you now. - "I never hated you."

1:10:00 > 1:10:02If He calls, we must answer.

1:10:02 > 1:10:05"Whatever any of the others may say, I always liked you."

1:10:05 > 1:10:07Good luck, God bless.

1:10:08 > 1:10:10- A-A-A-men.- HYMEN!

1:10:10 > 1:10:13"What about your solo projects?"

1:10:13 > 1:10:15"Are there going to be any more Ripping Yarns? Any more Fawlty Towers?"

1:10:15 > 1:10:18There'll be no more Fawlty Towers, no.

1:10:25 > 1:10:29OK. In a moment we'll be joined by two men who don't usually review films.

1:10:29 > 1:10:31So this is it, then.

1:10:31 > 1:10:37In the red corner, Organised Religion, the beliefs of billions, and if He exists, God.

1:10:37 > 1:10:42In the blue corner, some men who like to get naked and talk about moose choreography.

1:10:42 > 1:10:44Let battle commence.

1:10:47 > 1:10:51"We're joined now by Mervyn Stockwood, the Bishop of Southwark and Malcolm Muggeridge.

1:10:51 > 1:10:53What do you think's going to happen?

1:10:53 > 1:10:55- Who's going to win? - Well, obviously, I know already.

1:10:55 > 1:10:58Don't tell me! I hate it when you tell me how everything ends.

1:10:58 > 1:11:00Well, let's just say...

1:11:00 > 1:11:05I'm not listening, not listening. Blblblblblblbl!

1:11:10 > 1:11:12You've turned the beer into water, haven't you?

1:11:12 > 1:11:15Christ! I wish you'd grow up.

1:11:15 > 1:11:19Bishop, what was your review?

1:11:19 > 1:11:23People have said to me, "Bishop, you'll be horrified."

1:11:23 > 1:11:27But I wasn't the vicar of the University Church for nothing.

1:11:27 > 1:11:31I am familiar with undergraduate humour.

1:11:31 > 1:11:33AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1:11:33 > 1:11:37I'm also a governor of a mentally-deficient school...

1:11:37 > 1:11:39Oh, I like this guy!

1:11:39 > 1:11:43He's my kind of bishop! Horrible.

1:11:43 > 1:11:50It's the sort of thing, I'm sorry to say, that at Cambridge the Footlights did on a damp Tuesday afternoon,

1:11:50 > 1:11:54"or the lower fourth when I was a school master."

1:11:54 > 1:11:56- Bit strange. - That's not very constructive.

1:11:56 > 1:11:58I thought this was meant to be a constructive debate.

1:11:58 > 1:12:01I wouldn't worry about it. It's just a bit of banter, innit?

1:12:01 > 1:12:05Why lampoon death? I think this is the thing that really worried me.

1:12:05 > 1:12:09I don't think you'd make a farce about Auschwitz.

1:12:10 > 1:12:12Good. Always good to play the Auschwitz card early.

1:12:12 > 1:12:15Yeah. He won't have any trouble topping that later.

1:12:15 > 1:12:18When I look at that figure, I know you're going to say

1:12:18 > 1:12:23that Brian isn't Jesus but, I mean, that is just rubbish.

1:12:23 > 1:12:29The whole thing is quite clear, if Jesus hadn't lived, that film would not have been produced.

1:12:29 > 1:12:31Come on, Tim! Stir it up some more!

1:12:31 > 1:12:33"Call someone a shitbag."

1:12:33 > 1:12:34Pull a face like a mong.

1:12:34 > 1:12:36- Kick the bishop.- Oh, dear God.

1:12:36 > 1:12:42- Could I bring in Malcolm and ask what your review is like?- Yes. Um.

1:12:42 > 1:12:49Remember that I was engaged for four years in the appalling task of trying to make English people laugh.

1:12:49 > 1:12:51As editor of Punch.

1:12:51 > 1:12:54It's almost an impossible thing to do.

1:12:54 > 1:13:00I couldn't help feeling enormous envy of the ease with which

1:13:00 > 1:13:03this particular film aroused laughter.

1:13:03 > 1:13:08You simply had to use a four-letter word or display a man's private parts in the window and the whole

1:13:08 > 1:13:11- place fell on the ground with laughter.- What's wrong with that?

1:13:11 > 1:13:14- Swearing is funny. - Windows are funny.

1:13:14 > 1:13:18- My genitals are funny.- And that shot was beautifully framed. Even the framing was funny.

1:13:18 > 1:13:21Also, of course, I agree entirely with the Bishop.

1:13:21 > 1:13:27It's quite humbug to say that this is not a ridiculing of the founder of the Christian religion

1:13:27 > 1:13:32and of the Incarnation in an extremely cheap and tenth-rate way.

1:13:32 > 1:13:33Rummenigge! Two-nil!

1:13:33 > 1:13:37Great stuff. Malcolm's even better than the bishop.

1:13:37 > 1:13:40Don't just believe because someone tells you to, someone in the pulpit

1:13:40 > 1:13:44says something, question it, work it out yourself.

1:13:44 > 1:13:48Are you seriously suggesting that someone who saw that film,

1:13:48 > 1:13:52say a young kid, who knew nothing about the gospels or about history,

1:13:52 > 1:13:57that the figure of Christ that would emerge from it would be a noble one?

1:13:57 > 1:14:01Well, it's not supposed to be about him so people shouldn't go and see it to learn about him.

1:14:01 > 1:14:04- Well, it's no good saying it's not about him... - I'm not being dishonest.

1:14:04 > 1:14:07You're being utterly dishonest, my dear chap.

1:14:07 > 1:14:13- They're n-n-not letting the Pythons h-h-have their s-s-s-say. - MOUTH NAZI!

1:14:13 > 1:14:15I am very confused and perturbed by a religion,

1:14:15 > 1:14:20an established religion, in this country

1:14:20 > 1:14:26where people can go into church on a Sunday morning and the same people can sing hymns and say prayers

1:14:26 > 1:14:31and at the same time these people can stand by while

1:14:31 > 1:14:37their money is spent making bombs, making guns, building up appalling

1:14:37 > 1:14:40weapons of destruction... they can sit by...

1:14:40 > 1:14:45- I would urge you not to make careless generalisations which are not dependent on evidence.

1:14:45 > 1:14:48I... I make them in all humility...

1:14:48 > 1:14:51I think the Pythons are on the ropes here.

1:14:51 > 1:14:54..but I have observed people...

1:14:54 > 1:14:59- Because what you're saying, if I may say so, is a great load of sheer rubbish

1:14:59 > 1:15:06and you've made the most ridiculous generalisations which are unworthy of an educated man.

1:15:06 > 1:15:11This whole thing is wrong. Wrong and really, really repugnant.

1:15:11 > 1:15:14- Your lisp is getting worse. - It really is.

1:15:14 > 1:15:18If you made that film about Mohammed, you see, there would be

1:15:18 > 1:15:26absolute hullabaloo in this country, racial, anti-racialist people would rise up in their might.

1:15:26 > 1:15:30The same people who would approve of this would have thought it quite

1:15:30 > 1:15:35disgraceful and behind people's minds would be the thought that they might lose a bit of oil.

1:15:35 > 1:15:37But you see the difference.

1:15:37 > 1:15:40Four hundred years ago we would have been burnt for this film.

1:15:40 > 1:15:44Now, I'm suggesting we've made an advance.

1:15:44 > 1:15:46I've never seen Mike this angry.

1:15:46 > 1:15:52- This isn't good.- This great drama of the incarnation you have reduced to a sort of comic film.

1:15:52 > 1:15:58You don't make people open by producing the sort of buffoonery that you have produced.

1:15:58 > 1:16:00You keep making the basic assumption

1:16:00 > 1:16:04that we are ridiculing Christ and Christ's teaching and I say we are not.

1:16:04 > 1:16:08Do you imagine that your scene, for instance, of the Sermon on the Mount

1:16:08 > 1:16:14is not ridiculing one of the most sublime utterances that

1:16:14 > 1:16:18any human being has ever spoken on this earth? Course it is.

1:16:18 > 1:16:24No, no, it's making fun of the guy who's remembered it wrong and the people who've missed the point.

1:16:24 > 1:16:28Christ is played by an actor Ken Colley, he speaks the words from the sermon on the mount, he is treated

1:16:28 > 1:16:32absolutely respectfully, the camera then pans away,

1:16:32 > 1:16:36right to the back of the crowd to someone who shouts "speak up"

1:16:36 > 1:16:39because they can not hear him. Now if that utterly undermines my faith in Christ then...

1:16:39 > 1:16:42No, of course it doesn't undermine it.

1:16:42 > 1:16:45I started off by saying that it is such a tenth-rate film

1:16:45 > 1:16:48I don't believe it would disturb anybody's faith...

1:16:48 > 1:16:53Yes, you started with an open mind, I realise that. APPLAUSE

1:16:53 > 1:16:56PALIN'S LOST IT! STAY ON PALIN! STAY ON PALIN!

1:16:56 > 1:17:00This is aw aw-awful.

1:17:00 > 1:17:02They're behaving like total shits.

1:17:02 > 1:17:06- SHITS!- Yes. It's not very Christian.

1:17:06 > 1:17:09The question I put to you... Could you really put your hand on your heart

1:17:09 > 1:17:16and say that film is going to help the younger generation in its pilgrimage for truth?

1:17:16 > 1:17:20And the lampooning of Christ's death is the most disgraceful part of the whole thing.

1:17:20 > 1:17:24You have succeeded in reducing something

1:17:24 > 1:17:27which has inspired the greatest art

1:17:27 > 1:17:31into something which is presented in terms of the lowest art. That's your feat!

1:17:31 > 1:17:34That's your achievement!

1:17:38 > 1:17:42My face! My beautiful face!

1:17:42 > 1:17:45Oh, yes! I have just come in my pants.

1:17:45 > 1:17:49- You're not funny!- Go on, Mike! Give him what for!

1:17:52 > 1:17:54Please don't.

1:17:54 > 1:17:59Stay out of it, Rice! This is gold! Sit down or join in or fuck off!

1:18:02 > 1:18:03Oh, I do love physical comedy.

1:18:10 > 1:18:12What's going on?

1:18:12 > 1:18:18I think we might be in Michael Palin's fantasy sequence.

1:18:18 > 1:18:21Oh, piss on me through a sieve!

1:18:21 > 1:18:24Another fantasy sequence? This is lame.

1:18:26 > 1:18:28Gentlemen, I'm going to have to call a halt.

1:18:28 > 1:18:33I think you've made people happy and made them think and made them laugh.

1:18:33 > 1:18:34APPLAUSE

1:18:34 > 1:18:39Although you will get your thirty pieces of silver. Of that I'm quite sure.

1:18:39 > 1:18:41That's ridiculously harsh.

1:18:41 > 1:18:43- Ow!- Fuck.

1:18:43 > 1:18:45- R-really.- YAHTZEE!

1:18:45 > 1:18:48KRANKL! IT'S ALL OVER!

1:18:48 > 1:18:52Is that a Bafta in my pocket? No, I'm just pleased to see me.

1:18:52 > 1:18:54And I've got a massive erection.

1:18:54 > 1:18:57..you're seeing it in those terms and it's utterly tragic.

1:18:57 > 1:18:59Utterly tragic.

1:18:59 > 1:19:02Gentlemen, thank you.

1:19:02 > 1:19:07Now here's Paul Jones and his Blues Band with Boom Boom, Out Go The Lights.

1:19:11 > 1:19:15Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

1:19:15 > 1:19:20Damn and blast it all to hell!

1:19:22 > 1:19:25You OK, Mike?

1:19:25 > 1:19:27Pissed off?

1:19:27 > 1:19:30I can put you in touch with a very good therapist.

1:19:35 > 1:19:37Mike. Sorry. Joke.

1:19:37 > 1:19:39Couldn't resist. Sorry.

1:19:39 > 1:19:42- I understand why you're angry, of course I do.- They didn't listen.

1:19:42 > 1:19:44They didn't debate.

1:19:44 > 1:19:46They just shouted us down and played to the gallery.

1:19:46 > 1:19:48- We took it seriously and they took the piss.- I know.

1:19:48 > 1:19:52And I thought you were going to be swaggering and offensive.

1:19:52 > 1:19:55Yes, well, I was kidding about that.

1:19:55 > 1:19:56Shame.

1:19:56 > 1:20:00- It might actually have been useful out there.- You've changed your tune.

1:20:00 > 1:20:03They mauled us, John. They tore us to shreds.

1:20:03 > 1:20:05Come for a drink.

1:20:05 > 1:20:08- No.- No?- No.- No?

1:20:08 > 1:20:10NO!

1:20:10 > 1:20:13- Why?- Don't mock me, John.

1:20:15 > 1:20:17All right, I'm not in the mood!

1:20:22 > 1:20:24I do...

1:20:24 > 1:20:26love you, M-Mike.

1:20:42 > 1:20:45I know you! You're Michael Palin.

1:20:45 > 1:20:50- Yes.- You been doing some more of your TV show? The Flying Circus one?

1:20:50 > 1:20:52- No.- Probably just as well.

1:20:52 > 1:20:54It was very hit and miss, wasn't it?

1:20:54 > 1:20:56That's the problem with sketch shows - very hit and miss.

1:20:56 > 1:20:58So what were you doing then?

1:20:58 > 1:21:01I've been on a debate.

1:21:01 > 1:21:03Sorry, can we just go?

1:21:03 > 1:21:07Oh, yeah? Life of Brian thing is it? You want to know what I think?

1:21:07 > 1:21:10I think that sounds pretty bloody offensive, actually.

1:21:10 > 1:21:11I mean, I haven't seen it.

1:21:11 > 1:21:14- But I don't think people should have to see it.- Do you know what?

1:21:14 > 1:21:19I couldn't give a shit. So just shut the fuck up, do your fucking job, drive me home and don't be a cu...

1:21:22 > 1:21:24I know you!

1:21:24 > 1:21:26You're Michael Palin.

1:21:26 > 1:21:28Yes.

1:21:28 > 1:21:29You're my wife's favourite, you are.

1:21:29 > 1:21:31She loves you.

1:21:32 > 1:21:34Thank you.

1:21:37 > 1:21:39It's nice to feel loved.

1:22:31 > 1:22:35- Oh, come on! - What are you laughing at?

1:22:35 > 1:22:37Your faces, you idiots.

1:22:37 > 1:22:38You didn't come off badly out of it.

1:22:38 > 1:22:39They did.

1:22:41 > 1:22:42Wahey! The champion!

1:22:42 > 1:22:47Well done, couldn't have gone any better for us.

1:22:47 > 1:22:48So, where's Mike?

1:22:48 > 1:22:51Gone home.

1:22:51 > 1:22:54- Why?- Bit miffed.

1:22:56 > 1:22:58BISHOP'S STORTFORD!

1:22:58 > 1:23:01That was aw-aw-aw...

1:23:01 > 1:23:04- Awe-inspiring?- Thank you, love.

1:23:04 > 1:23:09Pretty good display, I thought, seeing as we saw the film for the first time today

1:23:09 > 1:23:12and we missed the first fifteen minutes.

1:23:13 > 1:23:16Oh, I see.

1:23:16 > 1:23:21So you missed the part of the film where the wise men go to visit Brian, thinking he's Jesus

1:23:21 > 1:23:25then realise their mistake and go to visit Jesus?

1:23:25 > 1:23:27Oh.

1:23:28 > 1:23:30Yes.

1:23:30 > 1:23:36So you make it clear that Brian isn't Jesus?

1:23:36 > 1:23:38Yes.

1:23:40 > 1:23:44Great show, guys! Best piece of television I have ever seen.

1:23:44 > 1:23:46Thought you'd be funnier.

1:23:46 > 1:23:51But still, great to see Michael looking so angry. Unmissable.

1:23:51 > 1:23:54Oh, well, there you go. All's well.

1:23:54 > 1:23:59I'm sorry to say this because I don't like conflict

1:23:59 > 1:24:02but I thought you behaved disgracefully.

1:24:02 > 1:24:06You didn't represent us or our beliefs.

1:24:06 > 1:24:08Have you seen the film?

1:24:12 > 1:24:13No.

1:24:13 > 1:24:20But rest assured, we'll be going to the first screening in the morning and making up our own minds.

1:24:20 > 1:24:22You don't need to make up your own minds.

1:24:22 > 1:24:26The Church has spoken for you.

1:24:26 > 1:24:29I think we'll do what we think is right. Thank you.

1:24:33 > 1:24:37Good man. Won't you join us for a drink?

1:25:02 > 1:25:04Oh, love. You're squashing me.

1:25:04 > 1:25:06Sorry, love.

1:25:06 > 1:25:08What was that for?

1:25:08 > 1:25:09You won.

1:25:09 > 1:25:13- Really?- Absolutely. You absolutely won.

1:25:13 > 1:25:18But...we were serious and they did jokes and made fun of us.

1:25:18 > 1:25:22Yes. It was weird. But that's part of why you won.

1:25:22 > 1:25:24It was good you took it seriously.

1:25:24 > 1:25:26And they looked very silly.

1:25:26 > 1:25:29Oh, Michael, it was awful.

1:25:29 > 1:25:33- Yes, Mum.- No, I mean THEY were awful. What awful men.

1:25:33 > 1:25:34They were complete bullies.

1:25:34 > 1:25:37I can see what you meant, Michael.

1:25:37 > 1:25:39You can criticise religion...

1:25:39 > 1:25:41it's not all perfect.

1:25:41 > 1:25:44Thanks, Mum.

1:25:44 > 1:25:47Ooh, what a face though.

1:25:47 > 1:25:50- Thanks, Mum.- Glass of sherry?

1:25:55 > 1:25:57'I am writing in my diary.

1:25:57 > 1:26:01'The camera is tracking slowly towards me.

1:26:01 > 1:26:06'I am thinking about summing things up because it will be the end credits soon.

1:26:06 > 1:26:09'I look meaningfully out of the window for a moment.

1:26:11 > 1:26:14'I suppose this particular episode is nearly at an end.

1:26:15 > 1:26:18'Nearly...'

1:26:31 > 1:26:34Hello, Michael.

1:26:34 > 1:26:36Hello.

1:26:36 > 1:26:40I'm sorry to say I'm not sure I believe in you any more.

1:26:40 > 1:26:46Oh, well, I suppose that's the sort of intellectual, fashionable thing of the moment, isn't it?

1:26:46 > 1:26:51- I hope you're not offended.- Oh, good lord no, God is love and so on.

1:26:51 > 1:26:55So is it over now? This conflict between religious institutions and freedom of speech?

1:26:55 > 1:26:58Um...No.

1:26:58 > 1:27:00Oh. Won't people get less offended by jokes at least?

1:27:00 > 1:27:02Oh, no.

1:27:02 > 1:27:05No. No no no no no. You see, the trouble is, Michael...

1:27:05 > 1:27:09and this doesn't apply to you, of course,

1:27:09 > 1:27:12but a lot of people aren't very nice.

1:27:12 > 1:27:16- So what happens? - Well, where do I begin?

1:27:16 > 1:27:23Satanic Verses, Jerry Springer the Opera, Danish cartoons, South Park, Richard Dawkin.

1:27:23 > 1:27:27- None of this makes any sense to you whatsoever, does it?- Not really.

1:27:27 > 1:27:33Never mind, it will probably form the basis of the ending of some rather heavy-handed BBC Four drama.

1:27:33 > 1:27:36Gosh! Is there a BBC Four in the future?

1:27:36 > 1:27:39The BBC must be doing very well for itself.

1:27:39 > 1:27:43(HE LAUGHS) No, you couldn't be further from the truth.

1:27:46 > 1:27:50- I am dreaming this, aren't I? - Yes. You should stay off the cheese.

1:27:51 > 1:27:54MUSIC: "Black And White" by Three Dog Night

1:28:03 > 1:28:07# The ink is black, the page is white

1:28:07 > 1:28:11# Together we learn to read and write

1:28:11 > 1:28:16# A child is black, a child is white

1:28:16 > 1:28:20# The whole world looks upon the sight

1:28:21 > 1:28:26# A beautiful sight

1:28:27 > 1:28:31# And now at last we plainly see

1:28:31 > 1:28:35# The alphabet of liberty

1:28:35 > 1:28:38# Liberty

1:28:40 > 1:28:44# The world is black, the world is white

1:28:44 > 1:28:48# It turns by day and then by night... #

1:28:49 > 1:28:50Ow!

1:28:52 > 1:28:56You know, I think we'd think twice about it now.

1:28:56 > 1:28:59Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd